Math class is tough!Bad news for Mitt Romney, again, as always: Now that his only real competition is a charm coffin like Rick Santorum, the press has no other choice but to pay attention to Romney’s actual, boring campaign. THAT IS SOOOO UNFAIR! Especially because the only way Romney’s campaign can back up his job creation record — Mitt’s only possible cudgel against Obama’s record — is by using imaginary numbers gleaned by looking into a hat full of “seer stones.”

Building the foundation of one’s presidential campaign with a random number generator is usually frowned upon! So who forgot to upload this protocol into the maniacally chipper robot currently d/b/a Mitt Romney? (And was it revenge for Mitt outsourcing his/her programming job? If so, kudos, friend!)

The Washington Post goes down the rabbit hole:

Romney also claims to have created more than 100,000 jobs as a business consultant.

[Romney spokesperson Eric] Fehrnstrom says the 100,000 figure stems from the growth in jobs from three companies that Romney helped to start or grow while at Bain Capital: Staples (a gain of 89,000 jobs), The Sports Authority (15,000 jobs), and Domino’s (7,900 jobs).

This tally obviously does not include job losses from other companies with which Bain Capital was involved — and are based on current employment figures, not the period when Romney worked at Bain. (Indeed, Romney made his comments in response to a former employee of American Pad & Paper Co. who says he lost his job after Bain Capital took it private.)

Let’s put on our Professor Math hats for a second, shall we?

  1. That 100K figure comes from companies that were involved with Bain while Mitt worked there, long ago.
  2. But the employment figures are themselves recent, from long after Romney abandoned Bain.
  3. And the 100,000 “number” does not take into account (i.e., SUBTRACT!) the (millions? BILLIONS?) of jobs Romney/Bain were involved in eliminating, which is what Bain Capital did as a business: eliminate jobs.

Let’s elect a businessman in 2012! [WaPo via Think Progress]

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  • Barb

    Mitt Romney is also calling the 'Occupy Wall Street' movement, "dangerous class warfare".
    You know, Mitt– those who live in Swarovski crystal houses shouldn't throw jewels…

    • SorosBot

      What's so dangerous about class warfare anyway?

    • GregComlish

      Swarovski crystal houses? Is this the Mormon equivalent of vagazzling?

  • SorosBot

    Fuckin' math: how does it work?

  • OCcupied_Surf_Serf

    Many Millionaire Mormons Maintain Math is Magical, Mysterious and Maybe Muslim.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Marriott Hotels refuse to disseminate adult movies featuring Brooke Lee Adams, as well.

  • nounverb911

    I'll be happy with Mitt staying unemployed for the next four years.

  • DaRooster

    "I have created a billion jobs… overseas."

    • "Have you met my wife, Morgan Fairchild?"

    • DahBoner

      Hey, jobs in India and China at 1/10th the wages puts a lot of coin in my pocket, my friends…

  • Buzz Feedback

    Nothing says "upward mobility" like the Domino's Heatwave Bag.

    • SayItWithWookies

      So between Romney saving Domino's and Herman Cain saving Godfather's, it's pretty reasonable to conclude that the Republican Party is largely responsible for destroying pizza in America. I already see the commercial tagline: "If this is what they did to pizza, imagine what they'll do to the country. Re-elect Obama in 2012."

  • Pragmatist2

    But on the plus side, Romney, with his large family, has created dozens of jobs in he Holy Underwear business.


    20 years ago I bought a Plymouth Horizon. Am I a job creator or what?

    • OCcupied_Surf_Serf

      Nice! Thanks for those 20 jobs at local salvage yards!

    • Dashboard Buddha

      You are! Did you know they called it the Horizon because the following was heard so often?

      "Honey…I think I see the tow truck on the horizon!"

      Tow truck drivers, AAA operators, and mechanics all owe a part of their livelihood to the majestic Plymouth Horizon. (yeah…I owned one for 12 years)

      • emmelemm

        My first car, in high school, bought for me by my dad for $1000, was a Plymouth Horizon TC-3. Good God was that fucker a piece of shit.

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Too right. That was Plymouth's "hot rod" Horizon. Just like putting lipstick on Sarah Palin.

          • emmelemm

            Sorry, I forgot I just had to reply to this. Yes, it SO was their "hot rod". It had those fucking black louvers (I don't know what they're officially called) on the back hatchback window. I could never see a fucking thing. I backed up into many, many things.

            Lipstick on Sarah Palin, indeed.

        • James Michael Curley

          There is a small Band of Brothers – warriors in the ancient, daily battle to recover automotive parts strewn randomly down the highway of life – who breath a quiet sigh into their beers when the term Plymouth Colt Vista is recalled.

  • What would help is if the Romney campaign released the videos of the morning staff meetings at Bain where Romney is exhorting his veeps to get out there and create more jobs.

  • Q: How do you get Mittens off your porch?

    • Sue4466

      have the bank foreclose on your home so it's not your porch anymore?

    • OkieDokieDog

      Water cannon. Or flame thrower.

    • chicken_thief

      Punch him in the throat?

    • Blueb4sunrise

      With a drummer?

    • widestanceshakedown

      Set fire to the porch under him?

    • Callyson

      Impose a means – based tax on entering your property. Mittens will mutter something incoherent about socialism and move on.

    • jus_wonderin

      A fist full of dollars?

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Throw a Jehovah's witless at him.

    • DahBoner

      Porches don't pay property taxes, my friends.

      Rich motherfucking people who own seaside mansions with porches do..

  • Boehneriffic

    Can we put on our Professor Meth hats instead?

  • memzilla

    1. War is peace.
    2. Freedom is slavery.
    3. Ignorance is strength.
    4. Unemployment is jerbs.

    /end Orwell update via

    Also, Nobel economist Paul Krugman's great exposition on Flip Romney.

    "The point is that Mr. Romney’s claims about being a job creator would be nonsense even if he were being honest about the numbers, which he isn’t."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I think in algebra we called this "balancing the equation."

    • kissawookiee

      Algebra is Muslin, and that other math stuff is probably also of the Devil. U-S-A

  • prommie

    You can only see Romney's jobs while wearing the Urim and Thummim.

  • MissTaken

    I was a cashier at a mini golf course back in high school. They have since hired at least 7 people in the 20 years (good god, I'm getting old) since I worked there. I'm a job creator!

    • SorosBot

      While I worked at a Woolworth's back in high school, and the entire chain no longer exists, so I guess I must be a job destroyer. And fuck I'm getting old too.

      • memzilla

        Yeah, but look at all the nice blah people who got to sit at the lunchcounter!

      • horsedreamer_1

        The custard stand where I worked 15 years ago seems to be more heavily staffed now, so I am a jb creator too.

        & the co-owner killed himself on 2001, so I suppose I am a murderer, as well.

  • Baconzgood

    Numbers are hard to understand.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "We just got bought out by Bain Capital, and all of you have a new work schedule: Every day off!

  • chascates

    On the upside the Church of Latter Day Saints will make all of those unemployed into Mormons upon their death.

    • memzilla

      Let's see… elder ones, a leader from heaven, an unknowable agenda, special clothing, interstellar travel… it's either LDS or the Cthulhu Cult.

      Mittens fhtagn!

  • Goonemeritus

    This would be like Japan claiming responsibility for thousands of new lives in mainland China during WWII. Not that I’m directly comparing Blain Capital to the Rape of Nanking.

    • Fare la Volpe

      You're just implying it very strongly.

      • Goonemeritus

        Well “some people say……”

        • MaxNeanderthal

          "You may well say that, but I couldn't possibly comment…"

          • "House of Cards"
            Loved that series.

        • horsedreamer_1

          "Both sides do it".

    • beavertank

      The Japanese were just SO pro-life they couldn't stand by and let those uteruses (uteri?) sit idle when they could be churning out infants. Turns out THEY'RE the most republican!

      • Biff

        Just imagining how pro-life the Nazis must've been!

  • SorosBot

    He really created 100,000i jobs.

    • Chichikovovich

      That's even better: he didn't just create manual labor – he created complex jobs.

      • DahBoner

        Just like the square root of minus one, these jobs had almost zero duration and infinite pay!

      • ShaveTheWhales

        As there is no real component, those are entirely imaginary jobs.

  • pinkocommi

    Let's not forget all the people Mittens keeps on retainer to do his manscaping. There is the botox guy, the hairstylist, the eyebrow plucker/ear and nosehair trimmer, the personal stylist, the personal trainer, the personal chef…. It take a village to keep a middle aged man looking that good.

  • Radiotherapy

    Job Creators, Blah, blah, blah, jobs, blah, blah, defeat Obama, blah, blah.
    (It's the new dog whistle.)

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Is that you, Rick Santorum?

    • chicken_thief

      Hey, we're all Americans – blah, whah, rah, and yelah. No need to single out any group.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Stray and gah, too.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    A=L+E. Ipso facto, beer.

    • MissTaken

      Yay, I'm not the only one!

  • I think we can safely fill in option #2 in the magic underpants Mitt's business plan.

    1. Leveraged debt to acquire existing companies
    3. Profit!!!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    '…charm coffin….'


    • Dashboard Buddha

      too right – I need to fit that into my daily usage. Wonkette is like a snarky Reader's Digest Improve Your Word Power.

  • MissTaken

    For my fellow accounting nerds – there's gotta be at least one more of us out there. Right?!

    Real World Balance Sheet:
    Assets – Liabilities = Owner's Equity

    Romney World Balance Sheet:
    Assets = Owner's Equity

    • memzilla

      Employees = Liabilities.

    • chicken_thief

      THAT'S exactly why the country needs a biznus man to lead us back to prosperity.

    • snackypants

      I love accounting nerd humor. There are two of us lurking here!

    • Callyson

      Liabilities = Someone Else's Problem

    • GOPCrusher

      Privatize the profits, socialize the losses.

  • AlterNewt

    I did pretty good in school, except for the stuff with numbers and letters.

    • OkieDokieDog

      Dubya, iz dat U ?

  • freakishlywrong

    Poor Mittens. How's his hair holding up?

    • He grew another 100,000 strands!

    • GOPCrusher

      I half expect the Republiklan Poo-Flingers to make their way back to Iowa. Sounds like they've been getting abused since they went to New Hampshire, full-time.

  • In fairness to Romney, the 100,000 jobs he did create were for the Messicans doing his lawn

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Upper Class Twit of the Year

    • Thanks for the laffs!

    • Loaded_Pants

      That has never gotten old.

  • Baconzgood

    Staples and Domino’s Pizza? So it was 100,000 really shitty jobs.

    • They encompass Mitt's two great passions at work. Having a pizza delivered for lunch and playing with the stapler.

  • Tundra Grifter


    That right there is more actual analysis than an army of media drones managed to accomplish on Herman Cain's claim to have been a business success as CEO of Godfather's Pizza.

    Well played!

    I do continue to enjoy Mike Tyson's impersonation of him, however.

  • Terry

    He DID create jobs, it's just that those jobs were in other countries.

  • Slim_Pickins

    On what do you bias your conclusions, Mitt?

  • Only Mitt Romney could be responsible for the utterly bland shitpizza that is Dominos, this makes perfect sense

    • Loaded_Pants

      "'Bland shitpizza'? Did someone call me?"

      –Rick Santorum

  • flamingpdog

    I don't know about the jerbs thingie, but Mitt has definitely been giving us the business.

  • x111e7thst

    I've said it before but it's worth repeating. Occupy Wall Street is discourse in the public square. Hanging all the bankers from streetlights is class warfare.

    • GOPCrusher

      And the problem with that is what?

    • rickmaci

      And that's a problem because….?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Another thing that bothers me about Mittens (among many) is that he’s one of these friggin' prowar chicken hawks and yet he and all of his kids have never enlisted. Mormons used their religion to get deferments from the draft back when there was a draft and of all of his 5000 kids, not one signed up to protect America’s Freedumbs. I hope someone asks him about this hypocrisy.

    • Mitt's kids are defending your freedom by working in his campaign – I mean didn't you know that???

      • Chichikovovich

        I do hope the Obama people have prepared a commercial for heavy rotation in which that "Hey, getting me elected is defending freedom" quote gets major prominence.

        Hey, Rachel Maddow – if you're reading this, please call anybody you know in the Obama circles and ask them to do this for us. We'll owe you one. TIA!

    • Gainsbourg69

      Why ask him about that when you can start a Super Pac called 'Vets Against Draft Dodging Chicken Hawks' and blame it all on Ron Paul?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Life in this country will be really fun when we elect Montgomery Burns as president.

    • GOPCrusher

      Smithers! Release the hounds!

    • Biff


  • anniegetyerfun

    Romney was giving a speech in South Carolina recently (I guess it was SC; it could have been NH, but I honestly don't fucking care) when a military plane flew overhead and interrupted his speech. He stopped and said, "That's the sound of freedom right there."

    Part of the crowd cheered in the way that only bloodthirsty warmongering fuckwits can cheer, because I'm serious, I have never heard anyone say anything that sounded less enthusiastic, less sincere. I know that Romney is constantly struggling to pretend that he is something he's not, but this… like, you could HEAR the deadened cynicism in his voice.

    • elviouslyqueer

      I loved how NPR's Ari Shapiro played that this morning, noting that "Romney's military experience is no deeper than his Tea Party experience." ZING, motherfucker, ZING.

    • Radiotherapy

      I just let one rip, now that's the sound of freedom.

    • gullywompr

      I've heard politicians say that several times over several years. The first time I heard it, it was said by a staff seargent being interviewed during the first Gulf War while sitting in the desert of Kuwait just before going into Iraq. I thought it was a pretty gungy thing to say. Everytime I've heard it since, I thought it was a pussy copycat thing to say.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Agreed. Although, I mean, it's a horrible thing to say at all, given that fighter jets don't generally shower people with freedom and happiness. But at least, you know, with an actual military person making the statement, during a time when the military believes (or at least, attempts to believe) that current military actions are going to lead to some kind of happy ending, then I can at least say “Well, he WOULD say that.” But with Romney, it's like, “Seriously, dude? Fuck you. A military plane doing a practice run? That's the sound of millions of dollars being burned per second.”

        • SorosBot

          Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose – except your life, and you're gonna lose that when we bomb ya, brown people!

  • flamingpdog

    Mitt is a Bain in the ass.

    Or was that an ass in the Bain?

    • MissTaken

      A Bain in the ass is worth two in the bush?

      • Chichikovovich

        A bush* is worth two Bains in the ass?

        * Note – small "b". Not … ah, well you know what I mean.

    • Callyson


    • Biff

      Bain(sp) of my existence.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Highlight of the day: 2% of Americans believe Mitt's first name is "Mittens."

    • Isyaignert

      LOl – and no lie – about 10% think his first name is Grommit.

  • Wilcoxyz

    The Indianapolis Colts are 2-0. Undefeated! But not in the playoffs??? I call bullshit.

    • chicken_thief

      Take that, '72 Dolphins!!!

    • Chichikovovich

      Tim Tebow's undefeated season nudged them out.

  • neiltheblaze

    But, but – he saved the Olympics!!!1!

  • MissTaken

    Why didn't he just use the Easy button to create the jobs?

  • edgydrifter

    Look, he's a white Republican, so his record as a job-creator is obviously solid. Let's not get hung up on the details and facts and such.

  • Ruhe

    You sillys. The jobs Mitt created are on his planet. The one he'll rule over later…when he's done here.

    • WinterOuthouse

      Oh yeah. Now I remember he will be fornicating with all his wives to make spirit babies for those Mormon bodies. A vote for the Mittens is a vote for the fetus… or is it feedus.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So Mitt does create jobs — but it's after he leaves the company. Shit, let's not hire him and start the process immediately.

  • Thank God for a man like Romney creating these high pay, high tech jobs at Sports Authority and Dominos Pizza.

    • El Pinche_v2

      Sounds like the making of a Republican utopia where there are no high tech jobs, most are under/un/home-educated, and most are working at minimum wage in retail and food&services. And of course, you'll have that small percentage who can afford slaves. Mittens will bring back the America we once knew and Lupus.

    • GOPCrusher

      To be fair, Dominos Pizza is part of the manufacturing sector.

  • Mittens is following the sage advice of the anti-Descartes Slimy the Younger who said, "conito, ergo poo" – I con, therefore I'm shit.

    • user-of-owls

      Post hoc ergo poopyhead hoc.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Avoid the Noid.

  • freakishlywrong

    Of course, no journalist will dare bring this up. Mitt will laugh too hard and then get that weird, hate-fuck smile and start crossing and un-crossing his legs. He's got a tell, I'd love to play poker with this fuckwit.

  • MrsBiggTime

    Wow, 100,000 jobs! That's fantastic! His ideal running mate would have to be Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels, who as Bush's budget director told us we could buy a nice shiny new Iraq war for only $50 billion American dollars, and it would be over in just a few months!

    • GOPCrusher

      And it would be paid for by the Iraqi oil revenues.

  • Wonder how many of these jobs went to the blahs?

  • El Pinche_v2

    Math? How can you expect a Mormon man to keep track of how many people he puts out of work, when he loses track of how many wives and kids he owns .

  • Numbers go up, numbers go down. You can't explain it.

  • SoBeach

    Mitt Romney created a bajillion jobs at Staples? Good luck selling that one.

    Mittens made tens upon tens of millions of dollars helping companies become lean ("reduce headcount"), competitive ("reduce headcount"), and focused ("reduce headcount"). He did this by consolidating divisions ("reduce headcount"), closing unprofitable locations ("reduce headcount"), and outsourcing ("reduce domestic headcount").

    As a result the companies Mittens touched looked a lot more valuable. Then he sold them and raked in gobs of cash.

    He can try to sell the "job creator" thing all he wants, but how many million people have gotten Romneyed out of a job (or three) in the past 20 years when sharks like Mitt got involved with their companies? Think they'll agree he's a job creating machine?

  • widestanceshakedown

    Yes, 100,000 jobs–all security detail to escort the multiple other thousands out the door.

  • Wonderthing

    "Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a statistic out of my ass!" (Huge farting noise)"Oops! Wrong ass!"

  • Fox n Fiends

    The DNC needs to print out 10 million "JOB KILLER ROMNEY" bumper stickers, one for each of Mitt's cars.

  • user-of-owls

    If we allow x to vary and hold y fixed, where x is Mitt's policy stance and y is the Romney dog…

  • Did you remember to carry the bum?

  • carlgt1

    accentuate the positive!

  • owhatever

    The Mormons are secretly setting up religious re-education camps in Utah for Evangelical Christians, awaiting the day that Mitt ascends. Spread the word. Guard jerbs for Mormons.

  • rickmaci

    "Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics." From Mark Twain's Autobiography

    Looks like Willard wins a trifecta on this one.

  • Bonghits4Jesus

    Not fair! Romney did create 100,000 jobs… in China.

  • WinterOuthouse

    Fuzzy Math. I like the republican concept of make up your own reality to fit the present circumstance. Isn't there medication for that?

  • VaWyo

    Maybe he should include all those jobs he created in various unemployment offices around the country. Someone had to process all those hundreds of thousands of unemployment insurance claims.

  • DustBowlBlues

    It's Mormon math. He used the abacus that Joseph Smith copied from the golden tablets.

  • DaniloTifoso

    'Hat full of seer stones'

    Laughing my FREAKING ASS OFF!!

    That's all that needs to be said about LDS/Rommmney_Fudge/Warren Jeffs/Etc.

  • ttommyunger

    Mitt just wants it too bad, he'll say or do anything at this point. He's wearing his clothes out from the inside-out fer Chrissakes. I honestly wonder if he'll actually make it to November without being checked-in somewhere for "exhaustion". Meanwhile, back at the WH, Barry is just cruisin' along…..

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