Sexy Rick Santorum’s Top 10 Sex Tricks To Drive God Wild In Bed

Now that he’s just eight paid Romney supporters away from being the most popular Republican presidential candidate in all the land, Rick Santorum is getting a “second look” from many who had mostly forgotten about the Pennsylvania oddball back when he lost his Senate seat by 17 points, to a Democrat, in Pennsylvania. But Rick Santorum has not quit being Rick in the half-dozen years since history tried to wash him away like a weird stain. And now that he’s theoretically closer to being the Republican nominee, it also means it is scientifically possible he could end up as president of the United States. Many gentleman and ladies will be wanting to know some of his sex tips!

All of these are REAL THINGS RICK SANTORUM HAS SAID, about sexytime and its tragic consequences:

• Stay clear of homo sex, lest you start humping dogs: “In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be.”
• The best way to die is by auto-erotic asphyxiation, alone on a hilltop somewhere, to prevent gay marriage: “The battle we’re engaged in right now is same sex marriage, ultimately that is the very foundation of our country, the family, what the family structure is going to look like. I’ll die on that hill.”
• Please don’t make Rick put on a condom! That makes sexytime “deconstructed,” which sounds liberal: “And all of a sudden, it becomes deconstructed to the point where it’s simply pleasure.”
• In fact, all contraception — especially stupid condoms! — should be illegal, the way Jesus wanted it back when He wrote The Bible: “One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country. It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”
• But if you insist on enjoying sexytime, you should have sex in public: “The right to privacy … doesn’t exist in my opinion in the United States Constitution.”
• If you are a bear in the woods, don’t scratch your ass on a tree, because this is liberal: “My colleague Senator John Ensign of Nevada told me a story that epitomizes the selfishness of our culture: ‘When I was a teenager, I had a sticker in my car with a picture of a bear scratching himself on the tree, and under it was the saying, ‘If it feels good, do it!’ That was the motto of the ’60s and the ’70s, and certainly it is the motto today. The image of the bear scratching himself highlights a view of human beings as animals, and that people should do what pleases them at the moment without a thought to the broader long-term consequences of their actions.”
• Rick Santorum wants you to take him home so he can fuck your mother: “I may not be the guy that the girls are initially attracted to when they walk into the dance hall, but ultimately once you get to know all the folks, I’m the one you want to take home to Mom.”
• Let’s just say this is 10, okay? There they are, the Top 10 Sex Tricks To Drive God Wild In Bed, courtesy of Sexy Rick Santorum!

You may be wondering, after enjoying this erotic collection of mental misfires, if anyone outside of a few thousand deranged weirdos in Iowa trying to “teach Mitt Romney a lesson” ever took Rick Santorum seriously. Well, yes, there was one person. Peggy Noonan. Peggy Noonan took Rick Santorum seriously. Probably still does. This is what she actually wrote for publication about Rick Santorum in 2006, the year he was brutally thrown out of office by Pennsylvania’s repulsed voters:

But here’s an exception: the state of Pennsylvania, which has been this year a bright patch of meaning. Its U.S. Senate contest has been the great race of the cycle, the one about which conservatives in their hearts most care. And not only conservatives, but those who know, for whatever reason and in whatever way, that there is something truly at stake here, something beyond mere red team and blue.

That would be Sen. Rick Santorum. The sense among so many people — including politicians and journalists — is that the Senate needs his sort, his kind.

Never forget.