Sexy Rick Santorum’s Top 10 Sex Tricks To Drive God Wild In Bed

  cosmo's worst selling cover ever

12 Hot Tips to make Rick Santorum want to sex you up, for Jesus.Now that he’s just eight paid Romney supporters away from being the most popular Republican presidential candidate in all the land, Rick Santorum is getting a “second look” from many who had mostly forgotten about the Pennsylvania oddball back when he lost his Senate seat by 17 points, to a Democrat, in Pennsylvania. But Rick Santorum has not quit being Rick in the half-dozen years since history tried to wash him away like a weird stain. And now that he’s theoretically closer to being the Republican nominee, it also means it is scientifically possible he could end up as president of the United States. Many gentleman and ladies will be wanting to know some of his sex tips!

All of these are REAL THINGS RICK SANTORUM HAS SAID, about sexytime and its tragic consequences:

You may be wondering, after enjoying this erotic collection of mental misfires, if anyone outside of a few thousand deranged weirdos in Iowa trying to “teach Mitt Romney a lesson” ever took Rick Santorum seriously. Well, yes, there was one person. Peggy Noonan. Peggy Noonan took Rick Santorum seriously. Probably still does. This is what she actually wrote for publication about Rick Santorum in 2006, the year he was brutally thrown out of office by Pennsylvania’s repulsed voters:

But here’s an exception: the state of Pennsylvania, which has been this year a bright patch of meaning. Its U.S. Senate contest has been the great race of the cycle, the one about which conservatives in their hearts most care. And not only conservatives, but those who know, for whatever reason and in whatever way, that there is something truly at stake here, something beyond mere red team and blue.

That would be Sen. Rick Santorum. The sense among so many people — including politicians and journalists — is that the Senate needs his sort, his kind.

Never forget.

Related

 
Related video

About the author

Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!

View all articles by Wonkette Jr.

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

175 comments

  1. Barb

    I'd love to "take him home to mom" We scattered her ashes on Niagara Falls. Well, most of them anyway.

      1. Barb

        Even more awkward is the fact that I wasn't there, lol. It became a HUGE production and my sister, Nancy decided to sprinkle just a few to punish me. She saved the rest and does stupid shit like places the baggie on the dash if I am in the car and throws them on the table in restaurants. She says she is not going to scatter the rest until I agree to give her a free trip somewhere. It's been 7 years and I'm not budging on this.

        1. user-of-owls

          How about you mush 'em up with some Vaseline or lard or something, then rub them under Tim Tebow's eyes before The Big Game. That would be kinda sacred and respectful, wouldn't it?

    1. Indiepalin

      The American or Candian side? I used to live in Niagara Falls, NY. We had to ride thorugh town with the windows rolled up in the summer and no air conditioning.

        1. thebeatgoeson

          I was born in North Tonawanda, as was my mother and grandmother. Wasn't old enough when we moved away to remember, but I do recall the lovely paper mill smell when we used to go back for visits.

      1. Maman

        Naturally. The green chlorine fog hung over the American side thanks to Occidental Chemical. I grew up in Lockport, NY. We kept our windows closed in NF too.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        Oh please. Being anywhere in close proximity to Carson Kressley would put Rick at risk of bursting into flames.

  2. freakishlywrong

    For a RWNJ with a million kids, he sure is obsessed with people having sex. Other people having sex.
    Lecture this; Asshole.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    "The sense among so many people — including politicians and journalists — is that the Senate needs his sort, his kind."

    WRONG!!!!!

    1. LesBontemps

      Dear Ms. Nooningtonshire:

      The people of Pennsylvania beg to differ — by an 18-point spread.

      Sincerely yours,

      2006 Election Results

  4. EatsBabyDingos

    Today on "Nooner with Noonan," a tough look at why even gay bears will not have sex with Rick "Itchy" Scrotum.

    "Smells like ranch dressing"-Fozzie
    "Saves his unborn sperm in a jar"-Smokey
    "Craggy scrotum"-Stacey's Mom

  5. FNMA

    Ah, a dose of Noonington…Been a long time since we've been treated to her gin and Xanax-soaked prose.

  6. Troglodeity

    All I want to know is, where can I get me one of those sensual, sexy putty-gray monochrome sweater vests?

  7. GuanoFaucet

    Sex and Rick Santorum do not belong in the same sentence. Jesus fuck, where's the brain bleach.

  8. MissTaken

    “I may not be the guy that the girls are initially attracted to when they walk into the dance hall, but ultimately once you get to know all the folks, I’m the one you want to take home to Mom.”

    He's 100% correct. My mom has a shotgun and thanks to her scientific background knows how to dispose of a body without a trace.

    1. freakishlywrong

      Tune in to Morning Blow, they have her quivering, hung over ass on there and treat her like every pearl of wisdom that drops from her lips isn't Santorum.

  9. Donner, Party of 1

    Pleasure is bad, bad, bad! Santorum must be a real blast to hang out with. They prolly play that game a lot where you stare at each other and the first person that smiles loses. Between games of that, they have singalongs featuring uplifting Gregorian chants from the medieval period.

    1. SorosBot

      He's the ultimate expression of the evangelical anti-humanism; in Rick's world, if it feels good, that means it must be wrong, condemned and outlawed. He hates the pursuit of happiness.

    2. Airshipahoy

      Woah, love everything in your comment -except- for the Gregorian chant part. As a semi-prof Gregorian chanter myself, I can tell you that it's a lot more uplifting than most other religious singalongs – admitted if it's sung right. If done right it imbues a sense of serenity, awe and carries one deeper into contemplation, all of which doesn't quite fit with the image of Santorum. ;)
      So sing along with me now: "No-o-o Gre-e-e-goria-a-a-n chant ha-a-a-te"

  10. SheriffRoscoe

    That sweater vest could be considered contraception, if you figure that nobody in their right mind would ever fuck a guy wearing something so hideous.

    1. edgydrifter

      "I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a life vest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweater vest protects you from pretty girls."
      –Demetri Martin

  11. memzilla

    "…the state of Pennsylvania, which has been this year a bright patch of meaning…"

    A half-cup of Tide will get that bright patch of Santorum right out.

  12. GOPCrusher

    You know. If you put a turban and a beard on Rick and changed his name to al-Santorum, the majority of his supporters would want him dead.

  13. Schmannnity

    At the risk of being redundant, Santorum is what your penis would look like if you started putting Rogaine on the tip.

  14. prommie

    This brings up my theory as to the REAL reason the Catholic church is so down on sex in general: The church hates sex because sex leads to fraternizing with women, who are the true evil, what with Eve and the serpent and the foul temptresses and all that. Something about celibate men, they seem to fear women.

    1. paris biltong

      Catholics against sex? Have you ever considered Italy? Marginally celibate priests, maybe, but not anyone else. It's a little like saying that Catholics are against drinking.

      1. prommie

        These conservative catholics, the catholic version of fundamentalists, they are a breed unto themselves, jesuitical, obsessed with sex, self-hating like Augustine, all twisted like Aquinas. They have these bizarre arguments that condoms CAUSE VD, on account of, if there were no condoms, people wouldn't have sex, and thus, no spread of VD. Fucking tards, just like the gun nuts who constantly cite to the trillions of murders that are prevented by guns, and compare these many hypothetical murders against the comparatively few actual murders.

      2. tessiee

        "Catholics against sex? Have you ever considered Italy?"

        There was an old National Lampoon article that listed countries with a little icon next to them indicating what was wrong with them — too poor, fascist government, puritanical, degenerate, etc. etc. Italy was the only country that got icons for both "puritanical" and "degnerate".

    2. tessiee

      Recovered former Catholic here. The regular Catholic Church, not the loony branch with Mel Gibson's father et. al., has one simple rule: Any time anybody has an orgasm, a woman *must* give birth nine months later. They don't really care if you smoke, drink, dance, gamble, kick puppies, etc., etc. — just no orgasms that are not followed by The Miracle of Childbirth [tm]. Their single-mindedness on the subject is really fascinating, in a horrifying sort of way.

  15. PsycWench

    What are these "dance halls" he speaks of? Where can I find one?

    Or did he mean "DANCE HELLS"?????????

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Dance Halls are where boys take girls to stand awkwardly around a punch bowl. Actual "dancing" to music mimics sexytime, ever since ballroom went out of fashion.

      1. tessiee

        And then, about an hour into the evening, the one Going Steady couple whom everyone envies and loathes dances slow to every song, including "I Wanna Be Sedated", while the boys and girls, on opposite side of the gym, glare sullenly.

    2. Chichikovovich

      I think he was referring to places that play Jamaican "dance-hall". Rick is totally into Bounty Killer.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Yeah, what's with that? Is it some kind of Pittsburgh thing, like saying "This needs fixed." or drinking bottled goat's urine from the Iron City Brewing Company?

    1. MissTaken

      Nah, remember he banged the Judge's slutty daughter at the yacht party?

      OH, Peggy? Yes, because she can't figure out which hole is which for whatever reason and in whatever way.

  16. SheriffRoscoe

    God, when He was intelligently designing us, made sex pleasurable so as to ensure procreation. He just never counted on us doing it for fun, or using our mouths and other assorted creases and crevices, hence the threat of eternal damnation.

    1. Rosie_Scenario

      Good point. Seems right wing Xtians like Santorum, Ashcroft, et al, have the biggest complaints about god's creation. Sex, pleasure, nudity, etc. Why do they hate god so much?

  17. SayItWithWookies

    Rick is constantly horrified that millions of Americans are having sex for fun every day. Actually that's not what horrifies him — what horrifies him is that his wife might find out.

  18. paris biltong

    I can't for the life of me understand why this guy is a Catholic instead of a Lutheran or member of some other Protestant church that doesn't condone pleasure. RC's like to eat, drink and fuck, which is what confession was invented for. He so totally misses the point that I'm afraid he isn't qualified to preach anything to anyone.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      True story. I went to high school deep in Cajun country, which is about 1,000,000% Catholic. It was widely understood that the Catholics were expected to party, drink, swear, and fuck like rock stars 6 1/2 days out of the week because, after all, they could confess it all away at Sunday mass, do their penance, and still have time to hit the drive-through daiquiri hut on the way home.

      1. user-of-owls

        Oh fuck yeah, we had it made. You could pour a gallon of gin into yourself, a quart of same into a 14-year old virgin, fuck the daylights out of her, gut and clean her and wear her coiled intestines on your head, then stop by Father James' little magic box on Saturday, tell him what you did and get off with five Hail Marys. Seriously, five Hail Marys pretty much functioned as a sort of "Abomination-Away" spray.

        Good times, good times.

      2. tessiee

        "It was widely understood that the Catholics were expected to party, drink, swear, and fuck like rock stars 6 1/2 days out of the week because, after all, they could confess it all away at Sunday mass, do their penance, and still have time to hit the drive-through daiquiri hut on the way home."

        The really hard partiers in my town used to go to 6:00 am Mass on Sunday morning on the way home from their Saturday nights.

    2. SorosBot

      There are evangelical Catholics, who are just as nutty as the evangelical Protestants and actually to the right of Catholic Church itself. For one, Ricky supports the creationist bullshit when the Church, embarrassed over how badly they fucked up with Galileo, accepted the proven reality of evolution a long time ago.

      1. tessiee

        I don't know the name of it, but I think it's the subset of Catholicism that Mel Gibson and his father belong to. Apparently, the regular church isn't hateful enough for guys like that.

        1. doloras

          I believe these are the nutbar Latin-speaking Benedict-XVI-is-a-liberal droids you're looking for. They argue that Catholic priests NEVER raped little boys before all that 60's permissiveness, Mass in English and meat on Fridays etc. took hold.

        2. SorosBot

          The one Mel is in is an actual splinter church that broke off after Vatican II; the Catholic evangelicals aren't an organized group, but they do share a lot in common with evangelical Protestants in ways that differ from official Church doctrine, primarily with belief in Biblical literalism; so creationism, belief in an imminent apocalypse, and the like.

  19. MissTaken

    Don't know about you all, but after reading this I got a helluva urge to go scratch my ass on a tree. HAWT!

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    “The right to privacy … doesn’t exist in my opinion in the United States Constitution.”

    Yeah well, that's just, ya know, like, your opinion, man.

  21. elviouslyqueer

    Quoth Dame Peggington: "But if Rick Santorum goes down to the defeat all expect, I will feel it. Like the crusty old moderate Republican, I know a national loss when I see one."

    What is Creepy, Masturbatory Fetishism, Alex?

    1. tessiee

      I will pay her $10 dollars if she promises NEVER, EVER AGAIN to use the words "Santorum" and "crusty" in the same sentence.

  22. arihaya

    Rick Santorum is a walking advertisement on why contraception should be readily accessible to Conservatives parents

  23. DerrickWildcat

    These are not the best ways to get girls to like you. I watch a lot of TV so I'm kind of an expert on this. A good way to get girls to like you is by giving them a diamond (make sure it is a real one because I think girls can tell if they are real or not by just touching them), but you just can't give them a diamond any old time. You have to give them a diamond at night when it is raining or snowing. You have to be out in the snow or rain, maybe even lying down in the snow or rain (if you think she won't mind getting rain or snow in her hair) when you give it to them. Another good way is to take the girl to a fancy European city like France or or on one of those skinny boats in Italy. Once there, you give them a diamond. This is how you can get a girl to like you.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      And here I thought all I had to do was use AXE and drink Dos Equis beer and the panties would be flying off.

      1. prommie

        Tell her she completes you. That'll get you that little hiney-lift so you can pull the panties off.

          1. SenileAgitation

            Many gals also respond to the alternate "If you hang out with me, I will make you thinner." You will be adding notches to the bedpost like a beaver in a whittling tournament.

      2. tessiee

        According to the commercial, Axe Body Spray will turn you into a person made entirely out of chocolate.

        I don't think it works that way in real life, though.

  24. savethispatient

    I thought the first half* of his acceptance speech on Tuesday could have been made by a Democrat, all about hard working families, etc etc. He'd be a very effective candidate were it not for the crazy-uber-religious thing. Of course, he'd never reach this level of support within Republican circles without it, so basically, they're screwed.

    * okay, third.

  25. prommie

    Rick's so much the whacky uptight Catholic that he probably believes in the sin of concupiscience, which is the doctrine that says that even if you have sex only with your wife, and you don't use birth control, and you do it for the purpose of procreation, its still a sin, if you enjoy it. I'd wager he was rogered by some priests back when he was an alterboy, no other explanation for this obsession of his.

    1. El Pinche_v2

      Yup, he's probably lives by the proverb "Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom."

      I'm sure he had to do plenty of Hail Mary's for confessing that he enjoyed the holy banging, too.

    2. tessiee

      "Rick's so much the whacky uptight Catholic that he probably believes in the sin of concupiscience, which is the doctrine that says that even if you have sex only with your wife, and you don't use birth control, and you do it for the purpose of procreation, its still a sin, if you enjoy it."

      However, if he doesn't enjoy it enough to, um…
      how shall I say this?
      produce the precious little sperm babbys for fertilizing the precious little egg babby…
      Then there's no possibility of reproduction.
      So I guess he's fucked.
      Or, you know, not.

    3. tweeksmom

      I'm guessing that his mother probably did something to him. I doubt if a priest would find him all that attractive….

    1. El Pinche_v2

      No, but sometimes doing it for the pain is good, too. "Pull my hair!! Spank me mama! I've been a bad Santorum!!"

  26. Not_So_Much

    Odd how John Ensign went from bears to fucking his best friend's wife. Not sure he should be included in 'Frothy's List of Stuff That is Moral'?

  27. Callyson

    Santorum: “And all of a sudden, it becomes deconstructed to the point where it’s simply pleasure.”
    Mrs Santorum: "I wouldn't know anything about that…"

  28. unclejeems

    Rick's conservatism is founded on the notion that somewhere, someone is having fun. And that it's up to him to stop it.

  29. Maman

    Anybody who supported Ensign and didn't call for him to be arrested has no right to tell the rest of us how to live out our sex lives. Clearly Santorum is a hypocrite for protecting that scumbag.

  30. Schmegeg

    After the sweet three way with Mom, don't forget to leave a Franklin on the dresser, since we have taken her Social Security away.

  31. Chichikovovich

    "My colleague Senator John Ensign of Nevada told me a story that epitomizes the selfishness of our culture"

    I'll hand it to Splotchy, he really is a superb storyteller. 'Cause, like, this opening setup had me expecting a totally different story epitomizing the selfishness of "our" (I guess he means "fundamentalist Christian") culture from his colleague Senator John Ensign. But then he shocks the audience with something completely unexpected. Like in No Way Out when it's revealed that Kevin Coster's clean-cut all-American war hero character really was a Soviet spy. Or the whole dead, mummified mother thing in Psycho.

    I detest the guy, but I'll give credit where it's due. Guy has a true gift for dramatic surprise.

  32. edgydrifter

    Santorum has actually found a pretty clever cover for his being a twelve-second shooter:
    "Remember, honey, this is about procreation not recreation. If I went any longer, you might start to enjoy it, and that would make you a whore."

  33. kissawookiee

    I never used to put much stock in that whole hole-in-the-sheet thing, regardless of which fundamentalist religion it was ascribed to, but I gotta say Senator Frothy is making it sound more plausible by the moment.

  34. Chichikovovich

    once you get to know all the folks, I’m the one you want to take home to Mom.

    That's really very true. My mother is a very sweet, moral, kind and thoughtful person, who, as a Canadian out in the bush, really knows nothing at all about Rick Santorum. But I'm sure that if she just had a chance to meet him and talk to him for five minutes, she'd love to kick him in the nuts.

    [Edit: No snark: My mother and father (50th wedding anniversary this year!! Still in love.) had a very young marriage. No wedding pictures around our house, because she was six months along with her first child at the time. She can tell stories for hours about the words and actions of the local, small town "bible-believing Christians" toward her and my dad that could make your hair stand on end. So, yes, I think it would take less than five minutes for Senator Santorum to be doubled over in pain.]

    1. proudgrampa

      God bless your parents! Mine were together for 55 years and my mom is still kicking at 96.

      Mom is a convert to Catholicism, but she thinks Santorum is an "awful man." She sees through his hypocrisy instantly. I love my mom.

  35. Chet Kincaid

    Let me state again that this weird prohibition against use of condoms ANYWHERE, ANYTIME by ANYBODY is some Papist bullshit that even normal Prot-Evan-Fundies find bizarre and stupid. Let a husband cleave unto his wife with a jimmy cap on, goddammit!

    1. prommie

      These conservative catholics, they don't believe in condoms because condoms prevent disease, I am not making this up, this is for truth and for real, they think there should be repercussions for sex, they want people to have to fear disease.

      1. SorosBot

        That's why the Catholic Church has actually encouraged the spread of AIDS in Africa, by lying and claiming that condoms increase the chance of catching HIV, and has indirectly killed millions of people all in the name of their anti-sex ideology. They are a truly reprehensible evil organization.

  36. barto

    Nothing tops moral platitudes from John Ensign, the poster child of Republican hypocrisy. I hope Rick picks him for Veep!

  37. chicken_thief

    “The battle we’re engaged in right now is same sex marriage, ultimately that is the very foundation of our country, the family, what the family structure is going to look like. I’ll die on that hill.”

    Ricky spends time with the other Ricky on Niggerhead?! Easy does it, Perrywinkle, apparently you're going to fuck your good buddy to death.

  38. GregComlish

    One time I was fucking this feminist postdoc and she started giving me a post-structualist critique of suburban male sexuality and I was like "Damn Bitch! If I wanted my sex 'deconstructed' then I would've fucked Rick Santorum in the ass with a condom!"

  39. Chichikovovich

    OK, I've been thinking about the Santorum parable, once I got over the surprise of the super-shock dénoument (Cause. like, I was totally expecting that the story would be Senator John Ensign telling Santorum about the time he…ah, let it go. Earlier post. Focus.) But I don't get it. We're not supposed to scratch our butts? Is that it? Even if we're alone in the woods? Or is it that it's bad to touch trees? Maybe some kind of anti-Druid thing?

    A puzzlement.

  40. Toomush_Infer

    Well, I can't infer from this whether or not Santorum would shit in the woods, but it is clear that Peggy Noonan would be glad (if he does!) to cover it with leaves….

  41. widestanceshakedown

    Rick's best trick: wiping himself on the curtains when he's done–chicks (aka, fetal delivery systems) go crazy for it.

  42. DemonicRage

    First Michelle tells us to put down the pizza with the oil running down off of the melted cheese and eat a crisp, freshly washed carrot stick. Now Rick tells us to stop having sex merely for fun. WHEN DID THIS START TO BE ABOUT BEING A GOOD NANNY or THE POPE, rather than running the powerhouse economy of the Free World…..oh, I forgot, we aren't that anymore. Carry on!

  43. Antispandex

    “The battle we’re engaged in right now is same sex marriage, ultimately that is the very foundation of our country, the family, what the family structure is going to look like. I’ll die on that hill.”

    Has Rick checked the divorce stats lately? Because, you know, that was something Jesus actually WAS against. I wonder how a Teapublican candidate would do if they said, "He who divorces his wife for any reason, except for fornication, commits adultery, and causes her to commit adultry"? That would be AWESOME! Ok, not for Newt, but it would still be pretty cool.

  44. user-of-owls

    Thank you Junior!! I've been looking for some way to quit my job and start over in a different career and you've just shown me how to do that!

    Starting tomorrow, I'm going to manage a K-pop girl band named, "A Bright Patch of Meaning." This is gonna be awesome!!

  45. ms_mcgee

    Speaking of your mom, he may have been with her last night. According to Politico:

    "In his first public appearance since the caucuses at a jam-packed nursing home in the most Republican county in the state, Santorum on Wednesday opened and closed his 90-minute pitch."

    HAHAHA. "Jam-packed nursing home."

  46. proudgrampa

    WTF? In one breath he blathers about "freedom." In the next, he wants to control gay sex, contraception, and privacy.

    Santorum is a fucking hypocrite. Asshole.

  47. Tommmcattt

    The battle we’re engaged in right now is same sex marriage, ultimately that is the very foundation of our country, the family, what the family structure is going to look like. I’ll die on that hill

    Promises, promises…

  48. salt_bagel

    Sending your wife to the artificial insemination clinic while you stay home and rub one out with a dry hand. THAT'S deconstructed.

  49. ttommyunger

    I can imagine having good use for a sweater vest, but not a wool one, my anus chaps easily.

  50. KennyCB

    Rick's Sex tip # 10: "As distinguished ladies like Miss Peggy Noonan have demonstrated throughout their careers, going down on a conservative hero (like me!) in print is a Jesus-approved form of non-procreational sex. Now, girls, don't forget to wear your 'WWPB' bracelets to school today, OK?"

  51. NewtsChicknNeck

    Rick does not believe sex should be, in any way, pleasurable. To that end, he and Mrs. Santorum have over 20 years of solid first-hand evidence proving the complete absence of any such pleasure.

  52. DahBoner

    "As a young lawyer, [Santorum] worked at the Pittsburgh law firm of Kirkpatrick & Lockhart where he represented the World Wrestling Federation. In is most high-profile case, he argued that professional wrestling was not technically a sport, and therefore wasn’t subject to federal steroid regulations."

    ONE WEIRD TRICK…

Comments are closed.