HISTORY LESSONS FROM THE GREAT TEACHERS  6:00 pm January 4, 2012

Gingrich Lies To Potheads About Dope-Growing Founding Fathers

by Liz Colville

Mount Cushmore

Settled in to roost in New Hampshire for the next week, Republican candidate Newt Gingrich was faced with some pretty zany questions Wednesday afternoon during a town hall meeting with his potential suitors. Talking health care, asteroid travel, and marijuana, faraway-galaxy-dwelling Gingrich was, as Observer reporter Paul Harris noted, “brought down to earth” by the relative far-outness of some of the audience members. One attendee asked for the candidate’s thoughts on legal homegrown pot, to which Gingrich harked back to his knowledge base, HISTORY, and dropped some knowledge (actually misinformation! love that history!) on how Founding Fathers Thomas Jefferson and George Washington would have felt about marijuana.

Said Newt:

“I think Jefferson or George Washington would have rather strongly discouraged you from growing marijuana, and their techniques of dealing with it would have been more violent.”

Really! Picturing a guillotine here. One would speculate that it was probably more lax back then, in the Time Before Science. Helpfully, the Straight Dope did a very thorough review of the matter back in 2009, and found that Washington and Jefferson attempted to farm the stuff, but more to make money (hemp being used for all kinds of things like socks and paper) than to medicate/try to enjoy life:

Both Washington and Jefferson tried growing hemp on their Virginia farms, with mixed success. Washington used some of what he grew to make hemp clothing worn by his slaves. However, U.S. hemp exported to Britain often was of such poor quality that it couldn’t be sold, and Washington was never able to turn a profit on the crop despite sustained effort. Jefferson also seems to have grown hemp strictly for local consumption, from which we deduce he couldn’t make money at it either. In short, not only were Washington and Jefferson marijuana farmers, they were unsuccessful marijuana farmers.

Booooring! [Washington Times, H/T Paul Harris]

 

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{ 184 comments }

nounverb911 January 4, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Gingrinch lied? Didn't just this morning Newt promised to tell the truth and nothing but the truth?

Tundra Grifter January 4, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Remember the George Costanza rule: It's not a lie if you think it's true when you say it.

Maman January 4, 2012 at 6:23 pm

George also believed that all of his instincts were incorrect and that to be successful he should do the EXACT opposite of what his instincts told him to do. So. Let inform your opinion of the Newtster.

V572 the Merciless January 4, 2012 at 6:44 pm

That's Condi's story about why Saddam failed to have WMDs.

Negropolis January 4, 2012 at 11:58 pm

He didn't lie. But, just like a lot of other Gingrichisms, he didn't know of the shit of which he speaks.

PalinzADummy January 5, 2012 at 12:04 am

That was SO long ago!

Jukesgrrl January 5, 2012 at 12:31 am

I think he just promised to hate Romney even more than he did on Monday.

coolhandnuke January 4, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Hemp libel!

HempDogbane January 4, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Libel libel !

HempDogbane January 5, 2012 at 10:57 am

What are the odds that the Constitution itself is written on paper made, at least in part, from hemp?

Tundra Grifter January 4, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Too bad the local didn't ask Ole Newt about the Founding Fathers' views of "covering" their female slaves. I read Mandingo, so I think I know what I'm writing about here.

nounverb911 January 4, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Jefferson didn't seem to have a problem with it, neither did Strom Thurmond.

PalinzADummy January 5, 2012 at 12:05 am

I think it depends on what they were covering them *with.* Clearly, Washington was doing it with hemp. So to speak.

johnnymeatworth January 4, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Newt must have been stoned out of his fucking mind to think that Washington and Jefferson would have disapproved of growing pot….

GregComlish January 4, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Today we are all unsuccessful marijuana farmers

LesBontemps January 4, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Today and every day, *sob.*

PalinzADummy January 5, 2012 at 12:06 am

There, there. (passes the spliff)

BaldarTFlagass January 4, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I'm quite the successful marijuana consumer, though, so I have that going for me, at least.

chicken_thief January 4, 2012 at 7:23 pm

JERB CREATOR!!!

KenLayIsAlive January 4, 2012 at 7:55 pm

HERB CREATOR!

valgal2342 January 4, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Down in Appalachia 100 years ago, the hemp/pot plant was commonly called, "Everlasting Life". I have no idea why, but I like it.

PalinzADummy January 5, 2012 at 12:06 am

Those Appalachians knew whereof they spoke.

billy_reuben January 5, 2012 at 8:51 am

You just gotta rub it in, dontcha?

Harry_S_Truman January 4, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Wow, how could Gingy be so wrong? I'll bet no one ever tried to pay him to be a historical consultant.

PalinzADummy January 5, 2012 at 12:07 am

Not very much, anyway, seeing as how he gets his facts wrong and stuff.

smokefillednewyear January 4, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Hemp was everywhere in our founding father's days–including their pipes.

gullywompr January 4, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man.

BaldarTFlagass January 4, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Argh, beat me to it!!!

To the Back-up Mobile!!
"George Washington was in a cult, and the cult was into aliens, man. Didja ever look at a dollar bill, man? There's some spooky shit goin' on there. And it's green too. "

gullywompr January 4, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Hey man, get off my case man.

emmelemm January 4, 2012 at 6:27 pm

And something of a fox when she was young, as I learned on this here very site!

Martha Washington Hot

Loaded_Pants January 4, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Definitely in Ol' Benny Franklin's. He wrote in "Toke Proudly" that was how he got his best ideas.

PalinzADummy January 5, 2012 at 12:08 am

Methinks he was referring to his other end therein.

chicken_thief January 4, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Opium was pretty common in those days, too.

PalinzADummy January 5, 2012 at 12:09 am

Laudanum was routinely administered to screaming sproggen, for example, to the great relief, no doubt, of their mothers and nurses. Gripe water, we called it, back in the day.

emmelemm January 5, 2012 at 4:02 am

Did you also tie an onion to your belt?

PalinzADummy January 8, 2012 at 6:50 pm

It was the fashion back then.

C_R_Eature January 4, 2012 at 9:47 pm

"Old King Cole George was a Merry Old Soul,
A Merry Old Soul was He.
He called for Hie Pipe and He called for His Bowl,
I guess we all know about Old King Cole George:
He just wanted to Get Stoned and Dig the Fiddlers!

Negligently_Joe January 4, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Bud Libel!

JackObin January 4, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Next, he'll tell us Jefferson had six chins and ditched his wife just like he did. Give the blimp credit, he knows how to lie.

MissTaken January 4, 2012 at 6:25 pm

At least Jefferson waited till the wifey croaked before having relations with her sister/slave. That's almost respectable!

DerrickWildcat January 4, 2012 at 7:47 pm

who is that lady in your picture?

DerrickWildcat January 4, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Had a pretty good chance to snag some Paul supporters and blew it.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 4, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Look at poor Roosevelt and Lincoln, trying to make do with secondhand highs.
~

ManchuCandidate January 4, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Newt's Not here, Man.

smokefillednewyear January 4, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Can we just shoot Newt to the moon?

natoslug January 4, 2012 at 7:29 pm

We're gonna need a bigger rocket.

flamingpdog January 4, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Before Newt moons us, please.

tessiee January 4, 2012 at 10:29 pm

I'm a book geek, not a science geek, so don't take what I'm saying as gospel — but I think that would pull the moon within Newt's gravitational field.

Negropolis January 5, 2012 at 12:00 am

One'a these days, Alice…

Radiotherapy January 5, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Or, Mars.

meatlofer January 4, 2012 at 6:16 pm

I knew Jefferson, and you Newt are no Jefferson.

Beowoof January 4, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Newt is no Regan, the Alzheimers is not yet full blown.

tessiee January 4, 2012 at 10:30 pm

"you Newt are no Jefferson"

Shhheeeeeyyyyyiiit, he's not even Barry Goldwater!

Crank_Tango January 5, 2012 at 1:27 am

you never know, Tiffany's might sell Goldwater…

Goonemeritus January 4, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Not to mention Benjamin Franklin's ill fated foray into free basing.

user-of-owls January 4, 2012 at 7:02 pm

And they didn't call Grover Cleveland, "Eight-Ball" for nothin'.

AlterNewt January 4, 2012 at 7:56 pm

There is, however, no truth to the rumor that John Hay and Henry Adams dealt huge quantities of opium from their curiously conjoined houses in turn-of-the-century D.C.

user-of-owls January 4, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Well really, why would any decent person look askance at members of the "Five of Hearts" club? Except maybe a filthy Jew. Or Czar. Or socialist.

AlterNewt January 4, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Why indeed? Close your eyes and open to any page of their voluminous correspondence. Such nice people.

tessiee January 4, 2012 at 11:14 pm

"Benjamin Franklin's ill fated foray into free basing. "

Which was actually an ill Sated Soray in to Sree basing.

Numbat_Dundee January 4, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Surely the founding fathers would have said something like: "What need have ye of this puny weed when the apothecary can provide you with a draft of laudanum for your ills?"

Dashboard Buddha January 4, 2012 at 6:18 pm

I read something once about a growing technique Washington used to make the hemp more something. According to the article, this particular technique was recognized as one used to make more potent pot…not useful for making rope at all. I'll try to find it.

TomAmitai January 4, 2012 at 6:44 pm

Google "george washington sinsemilla"

KenLayIsAlive January 4, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Are you sure you're not talking about George Clinton? I think that "growing technique" was "dipping the joint into a little sherm".

doloras January 4, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Washington's diaries talk of separating the male from female plants. That is considered good practice when growing weed for smoking and seems pointless when growing it for industrial purposes.

Crank_Tango January 5, 2012 at 1:31 am

and then he was all "I cannot tell a lie…I'm so baked right now. I have cotton mouth so bad it feels like my teeth are made of wood, man…."

BaldarTFlagass January 5, 2012 at 8:24 am

"And I got the munchies so bad I chopped that fucking cherry tree down so I could get at all of those sweet little berries."

JudasPeckerwood January 4, 2012 at 6:19 pm

"In short, not only were Washington and Jefferson marijuana farmers, they were unsuccessful marijuana farmers."

They were, however, successful presidential candidates, unlike you-know-who.

user-of-owls January 4, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Is this a Hitler question?

chicken_thief January 4, 2012 at 7:28 pm

i'll take "Cunts from Wasilla" for $200, Alex…

Loaded_Pants January 4, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Johnson? Bachmann? Perry?

PalinzADummy January 5, 2012 at 12:14 am

Don't make me say it!

Oh, all right. All of them, Katie. Well, except one. One's gotta survive, right?

gullywompr January 4, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Ganja Grinch.

PalinzADummy January 5, 2012 at 12:15 am

Seems more like a Gin Grinch to me. Much too nasty for the noble weed.

Schmannnity January 4, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Jefferson, however, was much more successful at creating America's first bong, using a chamber pot and a salvaged pipe bowl.

Loaded_Pants January 4, 2012 at 7:10 pm

The founding daddies could do almost anything.

Negropolis January 5, 2012 at 12:05 am

They truly were the MacGyvers of nascent America.

flamingpdog January 4, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Based on the pic at the top of the page, he was also adept at smoking out of his ear.

tessiee January 4, 2012 at 10:34 pm

It's a little known fact that Jefferson planned, designed and built Monticello so that, if the upstairs windows were open and a pinch of ganga put in the fireplace, the building itself actually functioned as a huge bong.

Negropolis January 5, 2012 at 12:06 am

By gawd! Mind = blown.

MissTaken January 4, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Tonight at 11!

Newt tells the NAACP that Washington and Jefferson strongly discouraged the owning of slaves, and their techniques for dealing with slaveholders were more violent.

Fukui_SanYesOta January 4, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Newt Gingrich
@NewtGingrich
Husband, father, grandfather, citizen, small businessman, author, former Speaker. I'm running for president to offer leadership to solve America's challenges. <a href="http://Newt.org” target=”_blank”>http://Newt.org

There's a rumor that the Bibble preaches monogamy. Not true. Also Washington had five wives at once and only one got the divorce elbow because of cancer.

Loaded_Pants January 4, 2012 at 7:35 pm

"small businessman"? Really? More like a corpulent one.

jakegittes January 4, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Give the Newtski a double martini (made from really cheap Vodka. Aw fuck, made with isopropy) for that one.

OzoneTom January 4, 2012 at 8:35 pm

Even better, make that some top-shelf methanol.

tessiee January 4, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Olive, onion, or anthrax?

PalinzADummy January 5, 2012 at 12:16 am

Anything that'll cause him to curl up and die within 20 minutes or fewer.

coolhandnuke January 4, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Newt was just poaching from his 1993 comedy/history album "Cheech and Wrong."

LesBontemps January 4, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Hey Newt! George Washington will kick you apart. He's coming, he's coming.

user-of-owls January 4, 2012 at 7:06 pm

He'll save children, but not the Gingrich children.

doloras January 4, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Callista will dig his strut and his gallant stroll.

tessiee January 4, 2012 at 10:38 pm

And who wouldn't? He was 6 foot 4 and a natural redhead.
$: – }

LesBontemps January 4, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Uh, "six-foot eight, weighs a fucking ton." (Alt: "Six-foot twenty, fucking killing for fun.")

LetUsBray January 4, 2012 at 10:34 pm

To borrow from a thread in the mists of wonkette past: George Washington will kill you in your sleep at Christmas.

tessiee January 4, 2012 at 10:37 pm

If he could take Jebediah Springfield, he could kickbox the shit out of Newt without even mussing up his wig.

Harry_S_Truman January 4, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Well, of-fucking-course Washington and Jefferson were unsuccessful marijuana farmers; they were stoned on crack all the time.

SayItWithWookies January 4, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Newt knows that Washington and Jefferson, regardless of historical reality, would've had the good sense to retroactively learn from Newt's mistakes. For instance — that time he sat on a sofa with Nancy Pelosi and advocated cap and trade? High as a fuckin' kite.

BaldarTFlagass January 4, 2012 at 6:30 pm

"their techniques of dealing with it would have been more violent.”

♫ I done two tours of duty in Vietnam
And I came home with a brand new plan
I take the seed from Colombia and Mexico
I plant it up the holler down Copperhead Road
Well the D.E.A.'s got a chopper in the air
I wake up screaming like I'm back over there
I learned a thing or two from ol' Charlie don't you know
You better stay away from Copperhead Road ♫

Tundra Grifter January 4, 2012 at 6:35 pm

BTF:

Back in them days (Washington and Jefferson, not Steve Earle) didn't most gentlemen farmers also brew their own beer and make their own brandy?

BaldarTFlagass January 4, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Hell, humans have been figuring out ways to get fucked up since they came down out of the baobab trees and started walking upright on the savanna. Probably before that. Every decent estate since Mesopotamian days has probably had a vineyard and a couple acres dedicated to hops, oats, and barley.

tessiee January 4, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Yeah! Steve Earle FTW!!
[that could be "for the win" or "for the weed"]

JustPixelz January 4, 2012 at 6:36 pm

This actually explains a few things for me.

Washington reads to Jefferson: "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

Jefferson bursts out laughing. "Dude! It says two different things: well-regulated and not be infringed. That is fucked up."

Washington: "Are you hungry?"

Jefferson: "And I thought we were agreeing to bare arms, bear arms."

Washington: "Bear's have arms?! I thought they had paws."

Jefferson: "Dude!"

Washington: "Dude!"

rickmaci January 4, 2012 at 7:29 pm

ROFLMAO. Tom and Wash as Cheech and Chong. Brilliant.

C_R_Eature January 4, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Awesome. My sides hurt now. Thanks.

Negropolis January 5, 2012 at 12:10 am

WIN!

BaldarTFlagass January 4, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Hopefully, Newt will make it to South Carolina, and someone will ask him about Congressman Preston Brooks' meth lab and how he dealt with his anger issues.

Loaded_Pants January 4, 2012 at 7:24 pm

This is true: Preston was a distant relation of my VA/TN ancestors. They were a fightin' bunch, too. Some of their descendants are still making meth.

tessiee January 4, 2012 at 11:19 pm

They just don't make those gutta-percha canes like they used to.

Negropolis January 5, 2012 at 12:12 am

Brooks and Keitt were not prosecuted or censured for the attack, and both were overwhelmingly re-elected by their South Carolina constituents.

My, how little has changed.

owhatever January 4, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Newt is dangerously stupid. In New Hampshire, you always tell voters hell yeah you can grow your own pot and do anything else you want. Live Free or Die, dude. He must like coming in low in the vote count.

tessiee January 4, 2012 at 10:40 pm

"In New Hampshire, you always tell voters hell yeah you can grow your own pot and do anything else you want."

Well, the Magna Carta doesn't say anything about it, so it must be OK.

Hera Sent Me January 4, 2012 at 6:37 pm

The Founding Fathers would have ground Gingrich into fertilizer and used him to nourish their hemp crops before they entrusted him with any sort of authority.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 4, 2012 at 6:38 pm

What a Newtwit.

chascates January 4, 2012 at 6:45 pm

More violent than placing one-third of all young black men in jail for being connected with it? More violent than spending tens of billions in a fruitless campaign to eradicate a weed that can grow anywhere?

Actually I think adultery is something the Founders might have been more violent in dealing with than growing hemp.

MissTaken January 4, 2012 at 6:46 pm

With Michele out of the race and Perry running around a lake somewhere I was worried that the stupid would be missed. Thank you Newt for keeping the stupid flowing.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 4, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Phhhhhttt. Like there was danger of that not happening.

weejee January 4, 2012 at 6:54 pm

So Dr. Professor Mr. Speaker Newt is saying TJ was a conservtard? Talk about revisionist history. Professor Owl can you put a well placed talon into Newt's behind?

user-of-owls January 4, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Sorry, we don't eat carrion.

weejee January 4, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Or low hanging fruit?

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 4, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Leave Marcus out of this!

flamingpdog January 4, 2012 at 9:15 pm

When you take flight, do you ever have carrion luggage?

Sue4466 January 4, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Gingrich wrong about history? GTFO!

ttommyunger January 4, 2012 at 7:04 pm

I'm embarrassed just reading about this fuck-fest.

fuflans January 4, 2012 at 8:12 pm

i not so much embarrassed as sick to fucking death of it.

GregComlish January 4, 2012 at 7:14 pm

I'm surprising Newt didn't bring up that episode of the Jeffersons where Lionel learns the value of a dollar by becoming a part-time janitor while his sister starts smoking ganja and hanging out on the porch.

mrblifil January 4, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Um…in those days people smoked whatever they could get their hands on. In 16th Century Europe, the tobacco of Trinidad was immortalized in song. The songs directly reference what a buzz you could catch off it. I'm sure Washington and Jefferson were perfectly aware of the "medicinal" benefits of herb. And about the only thing a young dude could have said to them to warrant violent retaliation would have been something along the lines of "Long Live the King!"

In fact here are the King's Singers to give their rendition now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6mQltwfP8Y

BarackMyWorld January 4, 2012 at 7:24 pm

It should be pointed out that Newton Leroy Gingrich, Ph.D., is actually a historian of European history.

Loaded_Pants January 4, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Romney's campaign should point out that we don't want someone who taught Commie History 101 to be President.

flamingpdog January 4, 2012 at 9:18 pm

European history? He's a-peein' on history.

rickmaci January 4, 2012 at 7:26 pm

I think the word "zany" best describes the 2012 Teatardlican primary process so far. SMH. Newtly is doing a hell of a job tarnishing the value of a Tulane University Phd..

tessiee January 4, 2012 at 10:43 pm

*poorly suppressed snicker*
As though that were possible!

chicken_thief January 4, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Did Newt have the same American History teacher as One L Michele and Lou Sarah?

Fukui_SanYesOta January 4, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Xanax and "some guy I met one time"?

weejee January 4, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Mittens must be wetting his magic undies with joy now that Perry has chosen to soldier on to South Carolina.

Did former Senator Lubeandfecal say something naughty about the Tejas Aggies? Piling-on with some bonfire humor about Iowa being Perry's torch song? Otherwise it makes no sense.

Barrelhse January 4, 2012 at 7:42 pm
flamingpdog January 4, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Dr Francis Thackeray, head of palaeontology, at the Transvaal Museum, said: "This project was initiated in part by a re-reading of Shakespeare's sonnets, in particular, sonnet number 76, where Shakespeare refers to 'invention in a noted weed'.

And Newt's an amateur paleontologist!!! Why doesn't he know this??

DahBoner January 5, 2012 at 10:34 am

There are about eight million cannabis takers in this country at the present time. Are they producing anything comparable to Shakespeare's sonnet, I ask…

Uh, what about Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures?

Slim_Pickins January 4, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Hence, the term "Newtwit."

Slim_Pickins January 4, 2012 at 7:56 pm

What does the Magna Carta have to say about growing your own?

FakaktaSouth January 4, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Has there ever been a time when people were more willing to say wrong shit outloud on tv, just blatantly, provably wrong? (I know this is the "if you quote me you're a liar" guy but good Lord.)
Is it the population being so large that there are just MORE of them willing to do this so it seems there are actually two "realities" going on in this country? What is this with just saying whatever you come up with – no facts or knowing stuff needed, just running your fat fucking mouth? I need gravity bong hits at this point. A vaporizer? Whatever the kids do now to smoke A LOT AT ONE TIME. That's what I need now.

tessiee January 4, 2012 at 10:45 pm

"Has there ever been a time when people were more willing to say wrong shit outloud on tv, just blatantly, provably wrong?"

And other people are UN-willing to call them on it and say, "Good lord, these people are fucking idiots who can't be trusted with a burnt-out match, let alone political power!"?

emmelemm January 5, 2012 at 3:59 am

Burnt-out matches can be really dangerous. Just sayin'.

C_R_Eature January 4, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Well, that's Our Broken Media Environment for you. These people say crazy shit in public because the stenographers employed as reporters these days let them get away with it:
"Yes, Mr. Gingrich? Jesus & his disciples wrote the Constitution? Satan was a card-carrying member of the ACLU? Aliens took Elvis to Gliese 581g to marry their Queen? How interesting."
Whet pisses me off is that all these lies can be easily disproved in less than 10 minutes by any average 7th grader with an internet connection. With Video. And "Media Personalities" are paid huge amounts of money to show up on Sunday, grin, preen deliver the CW of the day & be totally incompetent in analyzing the day's real News.
AARGH. Why is the Rum always Gone?

Jukesgrrl January 5, 2012 at 12:46 am

Even when these people are provided with facts, statistics, and even video, they reply, "Well, that's just your opinion." Not only do people not seem to comprehend the concept of cause and effect, they also refuse to accept that an opinion is not the same thing as a fact. The Ailesification of America.

Isyaignert January 5, 2012 at 2:11 am

It's well known that facts have a liberal bias; the facts are always on our side!

BaldarTFlagass January 5, 2012 at 8:21 am

"I need gravity bong hits at this point. A vaporizer? Whatever the kids do now to smoke A LOT AT ONE TIME. That's what I need now."

You need the Atomic Bong. Equipped with a belt-driven supercharger similar to that found on high-performance European sedans and Top Fuel Funny Car dragsters, the Atomic Bong will drive the sweet numbing smoke through the roof of your mouth directly to your brain at velocities approaching Mach one, producing a buzz that lasts days, weeks, or even months.

FakaktaSouth January 5, 2012 at 9:42 am

Holy Smokes that is EXACTLY what I need…bypass the lungs, straight to the brain, no muss, no fuss, no thinking about nothing – much less these stupid, lying assholes. I like it!

prommie January 5, 2012 at 10:13 am

You must not get the quality stuff down there in Jurrasic Park; the weed they grow these days, holy shit, its not a matter of forcing more into yourself, its a matter of being very very careful to titrate. Strong isn't the word. Not at all like the days of $25 OZs of Mexican Blonde.

FakaktaSouth January 5, 2012 at 10:42 am

Hyperbole aside, I'm all about efficiency (and it's still the number one cash crop in the state) but weed with Names that cost a hundred an eighth is over my head. Look here, it's Jack Herrera with Blueberry Cush (kush?) and some strain of British Columbian basement gold…Like Dennis Leary said, whatever happened to smoking a joint (Brick-weed baby ewww) eating some twinkies, watching tv and going to fucking bed? But I ain't above hanging with folks that like snotty weed by no means.

prommie January 5, 2012 at 10:10 am

"No one ever went broke underestimating the stupidity of the American people."

mnotrtoo January 4, 2012 at 8:00 pm

How could a president who grew opium poppies in his "medicinal garden" as Jefferson did have dealt more violently with someone else smoking their hemp?

mavenmaven January 4, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Had Newt been around then, he might have advocated for invading Jamaica.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 4, 2012 at 8:09 pm

In Newt's defense, he was really, really high when he said that.

fuflans January 4, 2012 at 8:13 pm

you people keep saying math is hard.

clearly, history is harder.

PalinzADummy January 5, 2012 at 12:25 am

For Newt, maybe.

Angry_Marmot January 5, 2012 at 2:02 am

Just the parts he doesn't like, anyway.

PalinzADummy January 8, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Yeah, like anything having to do with FACTS. Jeez, what a feckin' ignorant heap of shite he is.

iburl January 4, 2012 at 8:17 pm

It costs millions to hire the most creative historians.

flamingpdog January 4, 2012 at 9:32 pm

"I think Jefferson or George Washington would have rather strongly discouraged you from growing marijuana, and their techniques of dealing with it would have been more violent," he said, in response to a question.

Snark off:
What kind of moronic answer is this? More violent than what? And why would their techniques have been more violent? What clown college did Bozo get his diploma from, anyway? I think Marcus must have left one of his dildoes up Newt's ass as a going-away present, because this clown is just farting out of his mouth now.

tessiee January 4, 2012 at 10:21 pm

“I think Jefferson or George Washington would have rather strongly discouraged you from growing marijuana, and their techniques of dealing with it would have been more violent.”

Translation: "Back in MY day, they didn't just put those dope-smoking hippies in prison, they KILLED them! Now you kids get off my lawn!"

tessiee January 4, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Newt is such a Jeebus-lovin' serial adulterer that he believes in Creation history as well as Creation science.

Gainsbourg69 January 4, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Fuck you, Newt. You're just jealous that Obama has a weed named after him and you don't.

Isyaignert January 5, 2012 at 2:15 am

No shit? What's it called?

littlebigdaddy January 4, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Dude, I have been reincarnated several times. Believe me, GW could suck on a bong. Franklin wasn't bad, but Jefferson always wanted to give you a blow job after the first couple of hits.
Dr. Ron Paul

Negropolis January 4, 2012 at 11:55 pm

Can I just say that I love that New Gingrich is reverting back to Old Gingrich? You know, the Gingrich that doesn't mind cutting a bitch? Like Crystal Pepsi, New Gingrich sucked balls.

BZ1 January 5, 2012 at 12:24 am

Paul Krugman summed up the Newt's appeal quite succinctly: "he’s a stupid man’s idea of what a smart person sounds like."

Jukesgrrl January 5, 2012 at 12:50 am

Same for George Wills.

DaRooster January 5, 2012 at 12:54 am

You don't try to "Out Grow" the Founders of Shit… they will beat your ass out of the business.

DesertTed January 5, 2012 at 12:55 am

Jefferson only grew it because his black girlfriend liked to smoke it before getting freaky.

Isyaignert January 5, 2012 at 2:08 am

Wait a minute! Isn't this the same douchebag (Gnewt) who wanted to shoot people who enjoy God's flowers, yet he himself once partook? Typical two-faced RepubliCON!

Isyaignert January 5, 2012 at 2:14 am

Sorry for the nitpik, but it's actually Newton Leroy Gingrich. However, I spell his name Gnewt because he's just a fukkin' annoying bug to me (like a gnat).

iburl January 5, 2012 at 9:16 pm

It was supposed to be a goofy reference to Wile E. Coyote, Super-Genius. http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_qbAozUJuidk/TS0sFwBCW2I

Also I like it because you say "newtie" when you read it.

prommie January 5, 2012 at 10:09 am

Liz, come on, are you Slater-San? This is all right out of Dazed and Confused: "Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man."
Lets betake us now to the Hashfire Inn! Then we can invite over some immigrants and build cars!

DahBoner January 5, 2012 at 10:19 am

I'm surprised Gittin'rich didn't have Crazy Eyes explain why the Founding Fathers hated Obama Care

Nesnora January 5, 2012 at 10:24 am

Wait, they were sober during the lemon parties?! That's dark.

Sharkey January 5, 2012 at 11:02 am

Back then everybody smoked Himalayan Cream – the HG was just for seeds and oil.

lulzmonger January 5, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Yes indeed, teh Colonials were very concerned about hemp in the Colonies.
In fact, they passed the first American law regarding the growing of The Devil's Weed.

It was FUCKING MANDATORY by law – & you'd be harshly fined if you DIDN'T grow some.

Odds that Blowjob-Boy knows this already = roughly 100%. That fat fuck must go through Listerine by the 40-gallon drum to get the constant stink of corporate cock out of his breath.

exCollegeStudent January 5, 2012 at 1:54 pm

everyone can grow pot, didn't they have closets and attics in the 18th century?

BaldarTFlagass January 5, 2012 at 10:51 am

My dealer brings in shit from some medical marijuana store up in Colorado. Plushberry, Sour Diesel, Armageddon, Sweet Tooth, etc. Of course, in straight life he's a wine rep, and he describes the smoke the same way he describes wine, but with different adjectives for the taste, and descriptors for the buzz type. Hey, dude, you can call it Kansas Side-of-the-Road Utility Grade Ditch Weed for all I care, as long as it changes the channel for me. But all my dirt-weed connections are long gone and I can only get the $125/quarter stuff anymore. Haven't bought rolling papers in a decade or more.

prommie January 5, 2012 at 11:21 am

I don't like snotty weed, its just all there IS around here. People think I am kidding when I ask for middling stuff.

FakaktaSouth January 5, 2012 at 11:02 am

My buddy in Colorado (nine plants a house???) keeps telling me to come up there. When I decide what I am gonna be when I grow up, that might be the place I do it. (And I'll be a farmer)
I learned everything I know abt Sour Diesel from a Florida football player's twitter. It sounds like a trainwreck. (Or that it wd make a trainwreck funner to watch) These kids today with all their cash for fed ex are amazing. (Shakes fist)

user-of-owls January 5, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I heard he had, like, a hundred dicks.

FakaktaSouth January 5, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Wow it really IS the Garden State. I've been meeeeaning to get to Franklin Lakes for a Real Housewives of NJ tour – talk about incentive to get out of town. (like I need incentive. btw, jurassic park – very good.)

PalinzADummy January 8, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Most places will give you a bag of the House Shake for cheap.

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