running on empty

The night after finishing fifth place in Iowa, ahead of now-quitter Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, one of the most subdued dudes (subdudes!) ever, was up running around a lake in serious winter running gear, his hair as unkempt and fluffy as a lamb’s. He tweeted something about training for a marathon? And it included this photo, complete with a thumbs-up sign, which is what people do when things aren’t good enough that they can just stand there looking cocksure. Actually the marathon is the race for the Republican presidential nomination, which he is still running in, get ittttttttt. The lieutenant governor of Texas must be thrilled.

But anything to keep the poll numbers dispersed enough to keep everyone feeling dejected about their chances. As lots of people have been noting today, Santorum’s one-state approach is super trendy right now, never mind that, arriving in the state today, Rick Perry will only have 17 days to charm South Carolina into googling him for the first time, not the seeming eons that Santorum has spent pandering around Iowa.

Not to mention that in Iowa Tuesday night, Perry decided again to remind us in his post-caucus speech that “this” — the presidential race — “wa’int my purpose in life.” WE GET IT. And it’s not like you don’t have a JOB. Your job even has a website with a lot of business-y looking stock photos.

But now that the Santorum Approach is here, the typers of the Internet (and at least one member of Team Perry) are having a hard time believing that the Santorum Approach will not work for Huntsman in New Hampshire and Perry in South Carolina and Buddy Roemer in Fiji. All we know for sure right now is that the only thing we can truly count on for words of all persuasions is Twitter — “Phone messages left with [Perry’s] campaign were not immediately returned Wednesday.” [CS Monitor]

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  • Prolly stuck on his third option.

  • Barb

    He'll be back to answering personal ads on Craigslist and jogging soon enough.

  • OneDollarJuana

    The longer Perry stays out of Texas, the better for Texans.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe he can take the drought and the wildfires with him.

      • nounverb911

        No thanks, Texans have to pay for the sin of electing Perry.

    • Like they always tell him: "I wish you could quit us."

    • arihaya

      Rick Perry made Texans miss George Bush

      at this rate,,,, we will have a dumbfucker so terrible it will make us miss Rick Perry

  • ProgressiveInga

    Is that a six-shooter attached to your tights or are you just happy to see me?

  • PsycWench

    He's running but his campaign is the walking dead.

    • CapeClod

      Perry/Flesh-eating Zombie 2012.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Run, Ricky/Forrest, Run!!

    • Generation[redacted]

      When you get to the ocean, keep on running.

  • Captain_Quark

    Being dumber than Michele Bachmann is no way to go through life, Rick.

  • LiveToServeYa

    This is an 'oops' decision if I ever heard one.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Cocksure? WELL PLAYED, Liz. Well played indeed.

  • He just needs a few more calm days of poignant reflection at Niggerhead.

    • Radiotherapy

      That must be Niggerhead Lake.

  • memzilla

    Gubbnuh "Let's Secede From The Yoonyun" Perry should feel right at home in The Birfplace of Secession, South Cackalacky. Wherever the "next leg of the marathon" is, Rick Perry will be there, dry-humping it.

    • Ah yes, South Carolina, where the deep south meets the appalachians and creates giant pockets of indigenous stupidity.

      • tessiee

        And gum disease.

  • i_AM_ready

    Was it me, or did he fall off the wagon again last night during his speech? When he was trying to read the love letter from his boyfriend in the Army, but kept stopping because his eyes were tearing up and he couldn't see the words?

    • It was hard to tell if he was tearing up or just can't read for shit.

      • DaRooster

        So, "tearing up" is the new excuse?

        • Well, tearing up and Santorum are the usual byproducts of a good ass-reaming. Or so I've heard.

      • What is it with all these fucking wrinkled elderly crybaby boys of the GOP?

        The bastard's vain as all fuck, he wears contacts, probly needs readers, but won't spring for 'em coz they'll make him look old, trying for a grip on his flabby wrinkles.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Is Fiji one of the 57 states?

  • Troglodeity

    Real men don't wear tights.

  • pinkocommi

    This picture would be perfect if Perry were accompanied in his running by all the other Republican candidates and they were being chased by the 99% – all carrying pitchforks.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Get yer' ass back on down to Texas, Rick. Them Coyotes ain't gonna shoot themselves!

    • LesBontemps

      If he goes back, they just might.

      • I was kinda hoping they'd evolved sufficiently to get together and shoot HIM, the miserable little varmint bastid.

      • NellCote71

        I know I am ready. To shoot myself, that is.

  • mavenmaven

    He figures if Santorum can come from behind, well so can he! After all, he's been coming up on "santorum" for more years than most…

  • First they have to teach him about math and percentages. Then they have to break the bad news to him.

    • tessiee

      This is a perfect set-up for a Simpsons-type montage:
      *perky, upbeat music in background*
      — Rick, wearing half-glasses, reads a book titled "intermediate math"
      — Rick, same half-glasses, "intermediate math" in wastebasket, reads a book titled "beginning math"
      — Rick, same, "intermediate math" and "beginning math" in wastebasket, looks up the word "math" in dictionary
      — Rick, no glasses, "intermediate math", "beginning math", and "dictionary" in wastebasket, watches intently but uncomprehendingly as staff act out campaign using hand puppets

      • lolz

      • That's pretty smart of them to use puppets. Puppets allow us to transcend ourselves and absorb knowledge without realizing it, thereby circumventing potential issues with the reasoning portion of the cerebral cortex. Or so I've been led to believe with a puppet show.

  • Honestly, executing innocent and usually mentally handicapped blacks while watching your whole state burn down around you as you gut the firefighting budget has got to get boring eventually.

  • chascates

    He could have help from unexpected sources. James Dobson, Gary Bauer, and other Jesus Goblins are meeting in Texas next weekend to try to find an alternative to evil non-Christian Mitt Romney.

    Once people learn more about Santorum Perry could come across as someone the Rapture Ready crowd could get behind. It worked for Bachmann. For a while.

    • Ducksworthy

      Movement conservatives for Santorum? Makes sense. Nothing like a good reaming to loosen things up for a satisfactory movement.

    • finallyhappy

      That article says these morons might back Rick Perry as someone who could beat President Obama. Well, yes, if the only voters were really stupid right wing white Christian males. America- we make the world feel proud of themselves

      • SorosBot

        It looks like they did back Rick Perry, but are reassessing that choice in the wake of his disastrous Iowa results; and may be considering putting their hands on Santorum instead.

        • Geminisunmars

          Isn't Santorum a papist? Isn't that almost as bad as Mormonisticism?

          • SorosBot

            Papists are the wrong kind of Christian, but they're more acceptable than Mormons, who Evangelicals don't consider to be Christian at all.

          • Dudleydidwrong

            You don't create a theocracy with the moran you want; you create a theocracy with the idiot you have.

            Santorum/Rumsfeld 2012

        • tessiee

          "putting their hands on Santorum instead"


      • At this point, the world is giggling too hysterically to feel much of anything.

    • GOPCrusher

      I guess it would be too much to hope that the Religious Right gets behind Santorum and he still loses the nomination to Romney, so they walk off the North Rim of the Grand Canyon?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "serious winter running gear"

    It was 50 degrees down here this morning. I only wore a light jacket to work. What a fucking pussy this guy is.

    • lizcolville

      I am continually disappointed by how people overdress for this sport. But it makes them look faster!!!

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Oh yeah, it was 20F here this morning and I went to work in my underwear…. briefs that is, como briefs.

    • slithytoves

      You lucky, lucky bastard. 4 degrees here.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        For the next 10 days, forecast calls for mostly clear with lows in the 40s, highs in the 60s and 70s. It's goddam Texas fer Chrissakes, I don't stay here for the high culture, of that you can be sure.

        • I'm surprised, I tell you. Must be the haute cuisine, then?

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Tex-Mex food and tasty margaritas help.

          • Yeah, I could totally whore myself out for Tex-Mex and margaritas.

  • Wilcoxyz

    Yes, remind Merikuns that you're an underachieving Texas governor with a strong commitment to exercise.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Well, it worked for the last one…

    • SorosBot

      It was shocking to find that there was another Texan who was actually somehow even dumber than Bush; I have three-year-old cousins that are smarter than this guy.

      • Geminisunmars

        They can count to three.

      • Look, not to put too fine a point upon it, but I'm pretty sure my fucking CAT is smarter than this guy (and he's the stupidest fucking cat I ever encountered. Runs away from his kibble if it moves while he's eating it.)

        • NellCote71

          Ahh, explains my dog's skittishness. If there is a leaf in the driveway in the morning when it was not there the night before, my dog backs away and growls and then looks at me accusingly, kind of the way the way Perry tries to stare Romney down.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Hey, it's not like he's a black woman trying to help other people exercise, right? Like that damn uppity First Lady.

    • Rotundo_

      There isn't much of anything else he can competently do, save for use the toilet and feed himself, so he exercises and eats in public and makes a show of it. Dubya even fucked up eating when it came to pretzels (the Perry staff probably have to idiot proof his food for him). He probably is very proud of how well he wipes and flushes and washes his hands, but that doesn't impress the GOP base much: Too sophisticated for them.

      • Swampgas_Man

        There isn't much of anything else he can competently do, save for use the toilet and feed himself, so he exercises and eats in public

        Well, at least he hasn't publicly shit himself — that we know about, anyways.

      • tessiee

        "Dubya even fucked up eating when it came to pretzels"

        Secret Service guy: "Chew, Mr. President! You can do it! Chew, Sir, chew!"

  • FakaktaSouth

    Oh my God, this means somebody has promised him some money somewhere. Who is doing this? And thank ya, I wasn't really ready for him to go.

  • for Huntsman in New Hampshire and Perry in South Carolina and Buddy Roemer in Fiji

    Say, I like the cut of this wonk writer's jibberish. Thumbs up Ms. Colville! Only not the thumbs-up's that populate photo's of Texan lametards (as you astutely pointed out, its a gesture ultimately devoid of value) or Marcus Bachmann's fever dreams (nevermind). Rather, thumbs that are the currency of wonk salutes a.k.a. fisters' little sisters.

    • prommie

      The Christ-Tards have no love for the mormon nor the Papist.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Nikki Haley is going to love this — next to the dumbest man in Texas, she'll look like a genius.

  • SorosBot

    He's too stupid to see the writing on the wall that his campaign is dead.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Oh, he can see it, alright, he just can't read it.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Mene, mene, tekel, err, umm , oops!

    • anniegetyerfun

      It's possible that he is unaware of what is going on, but someone in his campaign (someone Rovian, if not Rove himself) knows that the Republicans of South Carolina are even DUMBER than Perry, and just might vote for him.

  • HarryButtle

    The Santorum Approach. I imagine something like The Blob, only frothier.

  • x111e7thst

    There are used condoms in the pockets of that running suit.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      But are they his, or did he just pick them up along the running trail?

      • Ew. Do you think he's THAT into recycling? Or does he just check for *bouquet*?

  • Callyson

    Are we sure he isn't training for a half marathon? You know, in the same way he is now running for Veep?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Sarah Palin runs half marathons. They start as marathons, however.

      Perry/Palin, paired in the Fiji marathon.

    • Rotundo_

      Dear lord, Palin was scary enough, Goodhair here makes her look like an intellectual giant by comparison, and thats on the occasions he's not wasted.

  • arihaya

    this is Rick Perry's "Brokeback moment": he's broke in Iowa and now back to Texas

  • nounverb911

    If Perry is elected, which country will he secede from?

    • elviouslyqueer

      All of them, Katie.

      Oh hesh up, all of you. I waited four whole days!

      • Not long enough!

        Oh, wait, that came out all wrong.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq


  • BigDumbRedDog

    His time would be better spent cutting brush like other Texans.

    • His time would be better spent cutting brush Bush, like that other Texans.

      FIFY, NNTT

  • Goonemeritus

    He needs to go, the four main factions of the Republican Party have already picked their champions. All that remains is to lock them in a cage filled with chainsaws broken bottles and pointy sticks and see who comes out alive. Don’t mess this up Rick, until Doctor Who’s new season starts I have nothing to watch on the TeeVee.

    • finallyhappy

      I like Grimm and Person of Interest.

      • tessiee

        Grimm is an awesome show that is set and filmed right here in Portland, so that I've watched episodes and thought, "Hey, I know where that is! I passed it today on my walk!"

        But then, I'm a geek, and it doesn't take much to make me happy.

  • Tundra Grifter

    That snappy photo reminds me of President Bush prancing across the flight deck of the USS Lincoln in his cute little flightsuit. It had a bigger codpiece than Gov. Perry's jogging outfit. I remember G. Gordon Liddy getting quite a thrill from seeing it. And Chrissy Matthews, as well.

  • Arken

    Pretty much all the governor of Texas has to do is issue stays of execution for condemned prisoners and really, how likely is it for Perry to be doing that? Let him stay out of Texas. They're better without him.

    • Millennial Malaise

      Alas, it was one of the many positives of CrazyEyes' campaign. Less doing her job of voting on congressional bills.

  • LesBontemps

    Texas Toast is getting stale.

    • finallyhappy

      how the hell does a half hamburger bun with greasy margarine get its own name??

      • tessiee

        It's just like any other whitebread, except thicker and greasier.

  • Slim_Pickins

    After he quits the marathon, maybe he can get the Todd Palin role in the movie version of "The Rogue."

  • JoeHoya

    Meh. The lt. governor in Texas has all the power, anyway. Perry will just be missing a few ribbon-cutting ceremonies, and the coyotes will be safer.

    • tessiee

      "The lt. governor in Texas"

      Abbreviation for the Italian governor in Texas? Unlikely.
      Or, the "It" governor in Texas — as in, the charismatic governor with charm and sex appeal? Also unlikely.
      My best guess is the IT governor in Texas, a murderous shape-shifting monster in a clown suit who lives in the sewer and eats children.

      • SorosBot

        Or the IT governor is a guy with asperger's who is always poorly dressed and groomed, mostly communicates in grunts and treats everyone who's not as computer expert like morons.

        • And probably has a huge, bushy, UNIX-geek-type beard and a huge collection of arms and ammo in the office between/under all the various boxes in various stages of disembowelment.

        • tessiee

          What about the It governor who lives in the Addams' Family's house? He was kinda cool.

  • gullywompr

    South Carolina!
    And one other state…. Which one was it again? Oops.

  • Radiotherapy

    Jogging around Niggerhead Lake in neon shoes is gay!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Cut and run. Coward!

  • magic_titty

    Rick Perry doesn't pull out when coming from behind. This is common knowledge.

  • The eyes of Tejas may be upon him, but the nays of Iowa just showed him da door. Be equally a-doorable Palmetto State and send his tiresome ass back to N****rhead.

  • DaRooster

    "But… but… but fuck it!"

  • DaRooster

    Rick Parry will now throw his support behind…

    Gary Johnson!

    • Nostrildamus

      Full-throated support?

  • DahBoner

    Perry went back to Texas.

    Stood on a haybale in front of his supporters.

    Do ya'll think I'm dumb enuff to represent your interests?


    They made it rain money.

    Rick bent over and put all the Benjamins in his G-string.

    The End.

    OR IS IT???

  • The Santorum Approach is really a departure.

    • DaRooster

      Well… an evacuation…

    • One can only hope and pray that it really departs.

  • MissTaken

    I don't understand this 'governing Texas' melarkey.

  • CapeClod

    This is the first stay of execution he has ever granted.

  • HedonismBot

    What exactly does it mean when a candidate "suspends" his/her campaign? It seems like a way to quit without really quitting, in hopes that – if supporters just clap hard enough – the moribund campaign will come back to life.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      Perry/ Tinkerbelle 2012

    • YasserArraFeck

      "It puts the campaign in the basket!"

    • GOPCrusher

      Herb Cain suspended his campaign. He got 0 votes yesterday. GET THE BODY BAG!

      • Actually, he ended up with nearly 60 votes, I believe. There are 60 dumb crackers in IA dumb enough to vote for some schlub who dropped out of the race already.

        • tessiee

          And what's her face said that Iowa wasn't representative of Ameriduh!
          Well, who looks stoopid NOW, huh?

    • anniegetyerfun

      It means that people can keep a'sendin' the funds, which will be spent on rent boys and meth (or whiskey, Perry strikes me as more of a lush).

      • HedonismBot

        Yeah. That's pretty much what I thought it meant.
        "I know I can't win, but I'll still take yer money."

  • Steverino247

    Disembodied voice from behind the camera: Hey Rick Perry! You just got your political ass handed to you in Iowa. Where are you going now?

    Rick Perry: I'm going to South Carolina!

  • wonkettkinkster

    My dad was in the same undergraduate program as Rick and I have it on good authority that he does not know how to inseminate large animals.

    • tessiee

      Your Dad doesn't?

    • user-of-owls

      Leave his wife outta this!

      • wonkettkinkster

        Ha! But, seriously, Rick Perry was in the animal sciences program, and he clearly knew nothing about fertility or the mechanics of "making whoopiee", as they called it in those days.

        • user-of-owls

          I'm fully prepared to accept that Rick Perry knows nothing about fertility. But the mechanics of putting his peen in an orifice that has nothing to do with fertility, well that's just not credible.

  • tessiee

    You know who *else* ran for President because being a govenor was too much like work?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Franklin Roosevelt?

      • GOPCrusher

        Beat me to it.

    • GOPCrusher

      Howard Taft?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Saint Ronnie?

  • MissTaken

    I kinda like his new pic. It shows his sporty side!

  • Millennial Malaise

    Is that a gun in your scuba suit or you just happy to see me?

    A gun, right. I forgot it was coyote hunting season.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Shee-it, it's Texas. Always huntin' somethin'.

  • Fukui_SanYesOta

    Famed grampa-corpse impersonator James Carville says Perry is the worst presidential candidate in American history

    • finallyhappy

      sure it wasn't Bill Hader?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I was just listening to American Family Radio (sadist. *shrug*), and Bryan Fischer is perplexed by Perry and his "reassessment." He pointed out that Santorum has momentum, but no money. If Perry were to bow out and Santorum runs out of dough, with Bachmann and Cain gone, there won't be an evangelical running.

    Even though I'm an atheist, that shit would be divine.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You have to think about this with Perry's logic. Clearly, God has forsaken Michele Bachman, probably because of her closeted gay husband, and their is no way he is going to take up with Romney (a heretic), Gingrich (an adulterer), Paul (because he is a Randian and they don't believe in God) or Santorum (assuming God uses the Internet), so clearly this is his chance to assume the mantle of Heaven and emerge victorious.

    Plus, there is still a huge country outside of Texas that needs people put to death after bad trials. Many of them minorities. Everything is coming up Perry!

    • tessiee

      "clearly this is his chance to assume the mantle of Heaven and emerge victorious"

      You know who else was a brain-dead Texas governor who thought that he was god's choice for…
      Oh, fuck it.

  • tessiee

    It is for me, because the mental picture of Rick the Prick bending over in a G-string killed me, but good.
    *iz ded*

  • Wonderthing

    Texas ain't stupid! It's smart! And it's ready to read and write for you! And do math! How many cows do it take to make a beef jerky? Depends on how much you want to eat! Dumbass! Everybody knows that! Running for President is like making jerky! You got to know what spices to use! And how long to dry it! I'll bet your jerky tastes bad! Texas!

    • iburl

      Is this Rick Perry or Dr. Steve Brule?

    • tessiee

      "How many cows do it take to make a beef jerky?"

      Depends on how long the beef was strokin' off?

      *runs away*

  • Barrelhse

    Looks a lot like a poor imitation of Mike Nelson in Sea Hunt. Or one of those C words.

  • user-of-owls

    I'm beginning to see the logic here. Since Santorum's got the Right To Life crowd locked up, Perry's going after that other vote-rich demographic for Republican candidates, the Right To Death bloc.

  • MissTaken

    The only way that Perry knows he's still Governor is his twitter handle.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Is "handle" the proper term? They so stole that from the CB radio people. I was "KKD9806, The Midnight Rambler" (I drove a 1968 AMC Javelin) back in those halcyon days.

      • MissTaken

        That's a big 10-4, Midnight Rambler

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Well, the computer folks stole it first (e.g., "file handle"). And I had a '69 Javelin. I'm kinda surprised to learn they sold two.

  • Eve8Apples

    Perry's getting in shape for some hot South Carolina Appalachian trail action.

  • At a quick glance I thought Perry was wearing a wetsuit and I thought, "Of course he is."

  • An_Outhouse

    That's not a 'thumbs up', that's a 'do you want to smell my finger?'.

  • MissTaken

    Is he going to run all the way to South Carolina? Is this why he's skipping NH, too far of a jog?

  • AlterNewt

    Did someone say 'subdudes'?

  • SwanSwanH

    Sounds like a lot of work. Since "Colt" wrote Rick's Iowa concession speech, maybe he can do the South Carolina door-to-door stuff, too.

  • ttommyunger

    Speech bubble in photo: "C'mere boy! Smell this and tell me what you think."

  • rocktonsam

    like this numbskull knows where the Palmetto state is
    is that water?

  • Guppy

    Hi Liz, welcome to Wonkette.

    There's an ALT element you can use in the <IMG> HTML tag. Learn it, love it, live it.

    I realize that you may not have it on the Canadian Internet (may not work in metric tubes), but it's something we're rather ravenous about down here.

  • Negropolis

    Rick Perry is the Matthew McConaughey of politics.

    That is all.

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