Rick Perry Still in This Thing, Because Governing Texas Is So Last Summer

running on empty

The night after finishing fifth place in Iowa, ahead of now-quitter Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, one of the most subdued dudes (subdudes!) ever, was up running around a lake in serious winter running gear, his hair as unkempt and fluffy as a lamb’s. He tweeted something about training for a marathon? And it included this photo, complete with a thumbs-up sign, which is what people do when things aren’t good enough that they can just stand there looking cocksure. Actually the marathon is the race for the Republican presidential nomination, which he is still running in, get ittttttttt. The lieutenant governor of Texas must be thrilled.

But anything to keep the poll numbers dispersed enough to keep everyone feeling dejected about their chances. As lots of people have been noting today, Santorum’s one-state approach is super trendy right now, never mind that, arriving in the state today, Rick Perry will only have 17 days to charm South Carolina into googling him for the first time, not the seeming eons that Santorum has spent pandering around Iowa.

Not to mention that in Iowa Tuesday night, Perry decided again to remind us in his post-caucus speech that “this” — the presidential race — “wa’int my purpose in life.” WE GET IT. And it’s not like you don’t have a JOB. Your job even has a website with a lot of business-y looking stock photos.

But now that the Santorum Approach is here, the typers of the Internet (and at least one member of Team Perry) are having a hard time believing that the Santorum Approach will not work for Huntsman in New Hampshire and Perry in South Carolina and Buddy Roemer in Fiji. All we know for sure right now is that the only thing we can truly count on for words of all persuasions is Twitter — “Phone messages left with [Perry’s] campaign were not immediately returned Wednesday.” [CS Monitor]

About the author

Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

View all articles by Liz Colville
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    1. arihaya

      Rick Perry made Texans miss George Bush

      at this rate,,,, we will have a dumbfucker so terrible it will make us miss Rick Perry

  1. memzilla

    Gubbnuh "Let's Secede From The Yoonyun" Perry should feel right at home in The Birfplace of Secession, South Cackalacky. Wherever the "next leg of the marathon" is, Rick Perry will be there, dry-humping it.

  2. i_AM_ready

    Was it me, or did he fall off the wagon again last night during his speech? When he was trying to read the love letter from his boyfriend in the Army, but kept stopping because his eyes were tearing up and he couldn't see the words?

      1. PalinzADummy

        What is it with all these fucking wrinkled elderly crybaby boys of the GOP?

        The bastard's vain as all fuck, he wears contacts, probly needs readers, but won't spring for 'em coz they'll make him look old, trying for a grip on his flabby wrinkles.

  3. pinkocommi

    This picture would be perfect if Perry were accompanied in his running by all the other Republican candidates and they were being chased by the 99% – all carrying pitchforks.

  4. mavenmaven

    He figures if Santorum can come from behind, well so can he! After all, he's been coming up on "santorum" for more years than most…

    1. tessiee

      This is a perfect set-up for a Simpsons-type montage:
      *perky, upbeat music in background*
      — Rick, wearing half-glasses, reads a book titled "intermediate math"
      — Rick, same half-glasses, "intermediate math" in wastebasket, reads a book titled "beginning math"
      — Rick, same, "intermediate math" and "beginning math" in wastebasket, looks up the word "math" in dictionary
      — Rick, no glasses, "intermediate math", "beginning math", and "dictionary" in wastebasket, watches intently but uncomprehendingly as staff act out campaign using hand puppets

      1. Donner, Party of 1

        That's pretty smart of them to use puppets. Puppets allow us to transcend ourselves and absorb knowledge without realizing it, thereby circumventing potential issues with the reasoning portion of the cerebral cortex. Or so I've been led to believe with a puppet show.

  5. TanzbodenKoenig

    Honestly, executing innocent and usually mentally handicapped blacks while watching your whole state burn down around you as you gut the firefighting budget has got to get boring eventually.

  6. chascates

    He could have help from unexpected sources. James Dobson, Gary Bauer, and other Jesus Goblins are meeting in Texas next weekend to try to find an alternative to evil non-Christian Mitt Romney. http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/religious-r

    Once people learn more about Santorum Perry could come across as someone the Rapture Ready crowd could get behind. It worked for Bachmann. For a while.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Movement conservatives for Santorum? Makes sense. Nothing like a good reaming to loosen things up for a satisfactory movement.

    2. finallyhappy

      That article says these morons might back Rick Perry as someone who could beat President Obama. Well, yes, if the only voters were really stupid right wing white Christian males. America- we make the world feel proud of themselves

      1. SorosBot

        It looks like they did back Rick Perry, but are reassessing that choice in the wake of his disastrous Iowa results; and may be considering putting their hands on Santorum instead.

          1. SorosBot

            Papists are the wrong kind of Christian, but they're more acceptable than Mormons, who Evangelicals don't consider to be Christian at all.

          2. Dudleydidwrong

            You don't create a theocracy with the moran you want; you create a theocracy with the idiot you have.

            Santorum/Rumsfeld 2012

    3. GOPCrusher

      I guess it would be too much to hope that the Religious Right gets behind Santorum and he still loses the nomination to Romney, so they walk off the North Rim of the Grand Canyon?

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    "serious winter running gear"

    It was 50 degrees down here this morning. I only wore a light jacket to work. What a fucking pussy this guy is.

    1. lizcolville

      I am continually disappointed by how people overdress for this sport. But it makes them look faster!!!

    2. Monsieur_Grumpe

      Oh yeah, it was 20F here this morning and I went to work in my underwear…. briefs that is, como briefs.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        For the next 10 days, forecast calls for mostly clear with lows in the 40s, highs in the 60s and 70s. It's goddam Texas fer Chrissakes, I don't stay here for the high culture, of that you can be sure.

  8. Wilcoxyz

    Yes, remind Merikuns that you're an underachieving Texas governor with a strong commitment to exercise.

    1. SorosBot

      It was shocking to find that there was another Texan who was actually somehow even dumber than Bush; I have three-year-old cousins that are smarter than this guy.

      1. PalinzADummy

        Look, not to put too fine a point upon it, but I'm pretty sure my fucking CAT is smarter than this guy (and he's the stupidest fucking cat I ever encountered. Runs away from his kibble if it moves while he's eating it.)

        1. NellCote71

          Ahh, explains my dog's skittishness. If there is a leaf in the driveway in the morning when it was not there the night before, my dog backs away and growls and then looks at me accusingly, kind of the way the way Perry tries to stare Romney down.

    2. anniegetyerfun

      Hey, it's not like he's a black woman trying to help other people exercise, right? Like that damn uppity First Lady.

    3. Rotundo_

      There isn't much of anything else he can competently do, save for use the toilet and feed himself, so he exercises and eats in public and makes a show of it. Dubya even fucked up eating when it came to pretzels (the Perry staff probably have to idiot proof his food for him). He probably is very proud of how well he wipes and flushes and washes his hands, but that doesn't impress the GOP base much: Too sophisticated for them.

      1. Swampgas_Man

        There isn't much of anything else he can competently do, save for use the toilet and feed himself, so he exercises and eats in public

        Well, at least he hasn't publicly shit himself — that we know about, anyways.

      2. tessiee

        "Dubya even fucked up eating when it came to pretzels"

        Secret Service guy: "Chew, Mr. President! You can do it! Chew, Sir, chew!"

  9. FakaktaSouth

    Oh my God, this means somebody has promised him some money somewhere. Who is doing this? And thank ya, I wasn't really ready for him to go.

  10. Mumbletypeg

    for Huntsman in New Hampshire and Perry in South Carolina and Buddy Roemer in Fiji

    Say, I like the cut of this wonk writer's jibberish. Thumbs up Ms. Colville! Only not the thumbs-up's that populate photo's of Texan lametards (as you astutely pointed out, its a gesture ultimately devoid of value) or Marcus Bachmann's fever dreams (nevermind). Rather, thumbs that are the currency of wonk salutes a.k.a. fisters' little sisters.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Nikki Haley is going to love this — next to the dumbest man in Texas, she'll look like a genius.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      It's possible that he is unaware of what is going on, but someone in his campaign (someone Rovian, if not Rove himself) knows that the Republicans of South Carolina are even DUMBER than Perry, and just might vote for him.

  12. Callyson

    Are we sure he isn't training for a half marathon? You know, in the same way he is now running for Veep?

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Sarah Palin runs half marathons. They start as marathons, however.

      Perry/Palin, paired in the Fiji marathon.

    2. Rotundo_

      Dear lord, Palin was scary enough, Goodhair here makes her look like an intellectual giant by comparison, and thats on the occasions he's not wasted.

  13. Goonemeritus

    He needs to go, the four main factions of the Republican Party have already picked their champions. All that remains is to lock them in a cage filled with chainsaws broken bottles and pointy sticks and see who comes out alive. Don’t mess this up Rick, until Doctor Who’s new season starts I have nothing to watch on the TeeVee.

      1. tessiee

        Grimm is an awesome show that is set and filmed right here in Portland, so that I've watched episodes and thought, "Hey, I know where that is! I passed it today on my walk!"

        But then, I'm a geek, and it doesn't take much to make me happy.

  14. Tundra Grifter

    That snappy photo reminds me of President Bush prancing across the flight deck of the USS Lincoln in his cute little flightsuit. It had a bigger codpiece than Gov. Perry's jogging outfit. I remember G. Gordon Liddy getting quite a thrill from seeing it. And Chrissy Matthews, as well.

  15. Arken

    Pretty much all the governor of Texas has to do is issue stays of execution for condemned prisoners and really, how likely is it for Perry to be doing that? Let him stay out of Texas. They're better without him.

    1. Millennial Malaise

      Alas, it was one of the many positives of CrazyEyes' campaign. Less doing her job of voting on congressional bills.

  16. Slim_Pickins

    After he quits the marathon, maybe he can get the Todd Palin role in the movie version of "The Rogue."

  17. JoeHoya

    Meh. The lt. governor in Texas has all the power, anyway. Perry will just be missing a few ribbon-cutting ceremonies, and the coyotes will be safer.

    1. tessiee

      "The lt. governor in Texas"

      Abbreviation for the Italian governor in Texas? Unlikely.
      Or, the "It" governor in Texas — as in, the charismatic governor with charm and sex appeal? Also unlikely.
      My best guess is the IT governor in Texas, a murderous shape-shifting monster in a clown suit who lives in the sewer and eats children.

      1. SorosBot

        Or the IT governor is a guy with asperger's who is always poorly dressed and groomed, mostly communicates in grunts and treats everyone who's not as computer expert like morons.

        1. PalinzADummy

          And probably has a huge, bushy, UNIX-geek-type beard and a huge collection of arms and ammo in the office between/under all the various boxes in various stages of disembowelment.

  18. weejee

    The eyes of Tejas may be upon him, but the nays of Iowa just showed him da door. Be equally a-doorable Palmetto State and send his tiresome ass back to N****rhead.

  19. DahBoner

    Perry went back to Texas.

    Stood on a haybale in front of his supporters.

    Do ya'll think I'm dumb enuff to represent your interests?


    They made it rain money.

    Rick bent over and put all the Benjamins in his G-string.

    The End.

    OR IS IT???

  20. HedonismBot

    What exactly does it mean when a candidate "suspends" his/her campaign? It seems like a way to quit without really quitting, in hopes that – if supporters just clap hard enough – the moribund campaign will come back to life.

      1. PalinzADummy

        Actually, he ended up with nearly 60 votes, I believe. There are 60 dumb crackers in IA dumb enough to vote for some schlub who dropped out of the race already.

        1. tessiee

          And what's her face said that Iowa wasn't representative of Ameriduh!
          Well, who looks stoopid NOW, huh?

    1. anniegetyerfun

      It means that people can keep a'sendin' the funds, which will be spent on rent boys and meth (or whiskey, Perry strikes me as more of a lush).

      1. HedonismBot

        Yeah. That's pretty much what I thought it meant.
        "I know I can't win, but I'll still take yer money."

  21. Steverino247

    Disembodied voice from behind the camera: Hey Rick Perry! You just got your political ass handed to you in Iowa. Where are you going now?

    Rick Perry: I'm going to South Carolina!

  22. wonkettkinkster

    My dad was in the same undergraduate program as Rick and I have it on good authority that he does not know how to inseminate large animals.

      1. wonkettkinkster

        Ha! But, seriously, Rick Perry was in the animal sciences program, and he clearly knew nothing about fertility or the mechanics of "making whoopiee", as they called it in those days.

        1. user-of-owls

          I'm fully prepared to accept that Rick Perry knows nothing about fertility. But the mechanics of putting his peen in an orifice that has nothing to do with fertility, well that's just not credible.

  23. Millennial Malaise

    Is that a gun in your scuba suit or you just happy to see me?

    A gun, right. I forgot it was coyote hunting season.

  24. KeepFnThatChicken

    I was just listening to American Family Radio (sadist. *shrug*), and Bryan Fischer is perplexed by Perry and his "reassessment." He pointed out that Santorum has momentum, but no money. If Perry were to bow out and Santorum runs out of dough, with Bachmann and Cain gone, there won't be an evangelical running.

    Even though I'm an atheist, that shit would be divine.

  25. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You have to think about this with Perry's logic. Clearly, God has forsaken Michele Bachman, probably because of her closeted gay husband, and their is no way he is going to take up with Romney (a heretic), Gingrich (an adulterer), Paul (because he is a Randian and they don't believe in God) or Santorum (assuming God uses the Internet), so clearly this is his chance to assume the mantle of Heaven and emerge victorious.

    Plus, there is still a huge country outside of Texas that needs people put to death after bad trials. Many of them minorities. Everything is coming up Perry!

    1. tessiee

      "clearly this is his chance to assume the mantle of Heaven and emerge victorious"

      You know who else was a brain-dead Texas governor who thought that he was god's choice for…
      Oh, fuck it.

  26. tessiee

    It is for me, because the mental picture of Rick the Prick bending over in a G-string killed me, but good.
    *iz ded*

  27. Wonderthing

    Texas ain't stupid! It's smart! And it's ready to read and write for you! And do math! How many cows do it take to make a beef jerky? Depends on how much you want to eat! Dumbass! Everybody knows that! Running for President is like making jerky! You got to know what spices to use! And how long to dry it! I'll bet your jerky tastes bad! Texas!

    1. tessiee

      "How many cows do it take to make a beef jerky?"

      Depends on how long the beef was strokin' off?

      *runs away*

  28. user-of-owls

    I'm beginning to see the logic here. Since Santorum's got the Right To Life crowd locked up, Perry's going after that other vote-rich demographic for Republican candidates, the Right To Death bloc.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Is "handle" the proper term? They so stole that from the CB radio people. I was "KKD9806, The Midnight Rambler" (I drove a 1968 AMC Javelin) back in those halcyon days.

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        Well, the computer folks stole it first (e.g., "file handle"). And I had a '69 Javelin. I'm kinda surprised to learn they sold two.

  29. MissTaken

    Is he going to run all the way to South Carolina? Is this why he's skipping NH, too far of a jog?

  30. SwanSwanH

    Sounds like a lot of work. Since "Colt" wrote Rick's Iowa concession speech, maybe he can do the South Carolina door-to-door stuff, too.

  31. Guppy

    Hi Liz, welcome to Wonkette.

    There's an ALT element you can use in the <IMG> HTML tag. Learn it, love it, live it.

    I realize that you may not have it on the Canadian Internet (may not work in metric tubes), but it's something we're rather ravenous about down here.

  32. BaldarTFlagass

    Believe me, I'd hightail it back to Massachusetts in a heartbeat if there wasn't such a thing as air conditioning.

  33. tessiee

    "coyotes are lining up outside of gun and sporting goods stores in a frantic attempt to purchase self-defense weapons, in whatever calibers are available. … The poor critters will even settle for a TASER."

    Anything will be fine, provided that they *don't* buy it from the ACME Corporation.

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