Famous head case Michele Bachmann held an unprecedented meeting with “reality,” which has sadly and inevitably led to the announcement that she is dropping out of the presidential campaign. Poor Marcus Bachmann will never get to be First Lady, after all!
What with Herman Cain already gone from the race and Rick Perry about to quit, and for god’s sake even Sarah Palin didn’t bother to run, GAH this election season is not looking good, for comedy.
National Journal reports:
Rep. Michele Bachmann is suspending her presidential campaign, said a senior Republican official with direct knowledge of the lawmaker’s plans.
The official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the Minnesota lawmaker, a favorite of the tea party wing of the party and a harsh critic of President Obama, realized after her sixth-place finish in Iowa’s caucuses that “there was no viable way forward.” By suspending her campaign, Bachmann is effectively dropping out.
So… now she will return to space? Or, probably just to her job of collecting a paycheck in return for refusing to show up for work, like all the other Republican losers who have so effectively managed to monetize “doing nothing,” besides incessant jabbering about how everyone else in America is refusing to work hard. It’s not a bad back-up gig to running for President!
Then again, there’s always room for a lunatic Republican woman in the Vice Presidential slot on the ticket, MAYBE? We can always “hope.” [National Journal]
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So sorry about your campaign and your crippling migraine headaches. That's what happens when you don't get a little pornography every now and then.
A little diddling now and then is relished by the wisest men.
Fare, do you think now we can stop lying to our kids and telling them that anyone can grow up to be POTUS?
I always liked to tell my daughter she could grow up to be Santa Claus. Sort of the double-whammy of the evil, lying Dad. She is not TOO incredibly scarred.
My son wants to be Pope and King.
I never understood why that was supposed to be incentive.
"That's right, kids. If you work hard and do your best, one day you too can grow up to be a bureaucratic figurehead with no real power who has to babysit whiny senior citizens all day and get blamed for everything bad that happens in the world. Mommy loves you! Night night!"
Don't forget that you can age 15 years worth in only 4!
Dr. Oz recommends no less than three orgasms per week for optimum health – seriously!
Um, is it alright if I take it down to one or two? It's been lonely around Swampgas Manor, and the porn quality hasn't been up to my high standards recently.
Sometimes a corndog is just a corndog.
Damn. This is too much reality for me today.
That's because Marcus only let her watch man on man gay porn.
This is bad news for Marcus, now he’s going to miss his hook up with Lindsey.
A Dream Deferred.
Is that Marcus and Michelle doing a gay homosex pose in the top right picture? It's bad enough they want to persecute and kill tey gays but do they have to mock them too?
But she ended with the thought that God has a plan for us all if we can just figure it out. She wasn't able to.
Where's Tebow when you really need the fucker?
Oh, the hannity!
Marcus can finally stop measuring the drapes…
And asking his Mammy to make a fine ball gown from them.
All good…He was never good of matching feminine carpet to drapes.
The Bachmann campaign released the following poem, penned by Shelly herself as she contemplated the results of the Iowa caucus:
On Leaving the Campaign Trail
I know where the raisins hide.
Scheming to overthrow the righteous order,
They inflate the pom-poms of the untrammeled mind.
Where, then, are the scones?
Dipped in lassitude, they beckon from afar.
And I shall follow them.
Yet my bus will remain parked.
Ah, the ancient Japanese poetry form of Wacku.
Oh, I thought you said "Shelley."
Like that fag Percy "The Bitch" Shelley? [spit!] I think he was in a porno film with Tom Byron.
Who wasn't?
All the serious candidates are signing off with Pokemon.
She always sounds like she's talking to a bunch of 3rd graders.
Guess she knows her audience.
Americans? Yea, you're probably right…
Well, mentally she has been…
She's been talking to herself?
She is.
Romper Room Reaganism for Dummies
Each and everyone of those foster kids were taken in because they were third graders
It's sad, the comedic portion of the GOP Primary is rapidly becoming just so much Santorum. We might lose li'l Ricky real soon too.
She's gonna adopt Iowa and South Carolina in her down time.
Bachman 2016!!!
Her God told her to run.
Her God told her to suspend her campaign.
Her God does have a sense of humour….
She has her own personal God? Wow, and I thought getting a GPS for XMAS was grand.
Don't you have your own personal Jesus? Someone to hear your prayers, someone to care?
My personal Jesus slipped his collar. I didn't have him chipped either. I hope he is okay, he was never the best at checking both ways when crossing a street.
Sorry, Liz Colville, now Ol' Crazy Eyes returns to Minnesota, with a blast radius of stupid easily able to take out Winnepeg.
And, evidently, Winnipeg features a constant, omnipresent echo! if you time it right you can create a street corner doo-wop quartet all by yourself!
This is what happens when one's comment takes too long to post, so one starts going all crazy on the clicky thing trying to make something happen.
I've heard that somewhere….
I love "blast radius of stupid," and think I may have to steal it.
What with Herman Cain already gone from the race and Rick Perry about to quit, and for god’s sake even Sarah Palin didn’t bother to run, GAH this election season is not looking good, for comedy.
Two words, KBJ darling… Rick. Santorum. *sharpens knives* MUAHAHAHAHAHA.
Frothy Ricky still brings the stupid, and Ron Paul still brings the crazy, so there's plenty of entertainment left to be had.
Yeah.
Talk about "blast radius of stupid!'
"realized…that “there was no viable way forward.”
I could have told her this back when she announced and saved her a lot of trouble.
Looks like I don't have to leak the news! (Glenn Rice fucked her ,also.)
"I'd like to spend more time with my extremely heterosexual Husband and perfectly well-adjusted children."
"That crazy wom…I mean, Mom's here!
Or, "I quit so i can spend more time depositing public-money checks".
Stop calling her a Minnesota lawmaker! What laws has this crazy woman passed? Her insanity nearly defies Newtonian physics!
Guess that would make her a "lawbreaker."
What kind of people would elect this woman to represent them in Congress? They must be as stupid and as crazy as she is.
Michele died on the way back to her home planet.
Bachmann=MILF
Minnesotan I'd Like to Forget
Unfortunately, like another female that shall remain nameless, I think we can look forward to at least four more years of pundificating on the Faux Noise Channel.
Just as well. I'm sure it was getting tiresome keeping that tail pinned where no one could see.
Picture needs more llama.
This puts Ron Paul one step closer to being the first president elected posthumously.
McCain came sooooo close.
"McCain came…"
As Lindsay slurped.
Gah!
Honest to Limping Jeebus, here's the transcript of Ol' Crazy Eyes surrender: "Socialist Socialist Obamacare, Socialist Take Back Our Country, Founding Fathers God, Fight Socialist Obamacare, Socialist Obamacare God, Ben Franklin, Take Back Our Country, God."
Michele, check your meds.
Ben Franklin. Isn't he the guy who crossed the Delaware to crush the Whiskey Rebellion?
For Jesus.
I call bullshit — if there isn't at least 17 references to St. Ronnie, then it didn't come from a real republican.
But there were! I had that as my drinking game phrase, and boy am I hammered! Party of reagan, fuck me…
Needz moar "1-term prezdent".
She is not dead yet. Where there is life there is hope.
She's just resting, Norwegian Blue style.
Pining for the fjords.
Yeah, damned shame she didn't realize that her husband is an ass-tronaut before she died.
This is why I stand in awe before you.
Hopefully, with a Diet Mountain Dew. Thanks!
comedians everywhere are weeping…….
Punked by God!
(the world is a safer place today)
I hate to be a “the glass is bone dry and coated with maggots”® kind of guy but this will give her more time to spend in Washington.
Yes, except that won't happen.
Yeah, but it's not like she votes or submits bills or anything like that.
Maybe she can get her gig back going on Hardball and saying all kinds of stupid shit to an incredulous Chris Matthews.
Lesbians may once again use all public restrooms, free of the threat of Secret Service interference.
Wait, didn't she decline to run for reelection to the House so she could run for President? Does that mean that Shelly fades from the National scene at the end of this term?
It'd be fab if she concentrated on traveling the country giving speeches at fundy mega-churches for the next couple of years until the fundies replace her with the next wingnut du jour.
Nah, Minnesota just has pesky laws about running for two federal offices at the same time. She'll be back, but if we're luck her district will get merged with another one that has slightly less reprehensible candidates.
Let's hope Minnesotans see fit to elect her dog catcher of some backwoods area.
This will be a great workload reduction for FactCheck.org and the like.
Politifact is going to have to lay off some of their staff.
Stick a hanger in her campaign, it's done.
OMG!!!1! She's aborting her campaign???
Maybe Rick Santorum can bring it home to show the family?
Gah! You beat me to it! My p-ness will never forgive you.
Do I sense some rivalry here, between our writers? You would think it would be better to let Liz's introduction have a little time on top, before posting a new comment and shoving it down the page.
It is Dog Eat Dog, Prommie.
As long as it keeps Ken from posting and harshing my buzz. The man could make money as a professional party assassin.
He does bring the angst.
I bet Marcus is livid.
You can't find a decent pair of Dior doggie sunglasses in Minnesota!
Was this abortion caused by the HPV vaccine being FORCED on Bachmann AGAINST HER WILL?????
That explains the retardation.
Careful, now.
Michele's Faux News contract coming out of the laserjet in 5… 4… 3…
Crazy eye for the straight guy
She'll need some remedial teleprompter training, first.
Michele Bachmann is suspending her presidential campaign
Well that fits. Her brain has been in suspended animation for decades.
At least it wasn't in the third trimester…
~
Nicely played, sir.
*polite golf clap*
Martini?
Sure!
I'll have (another) Bloody Caesar…
~
So let me get this straight, God told Michele to run so she could make an ass of herself and be humiliated in front of the entire world. Now that she has been emarrassed enough, God is telling her to drop out. Doesn't seem like God likes Michele all that much either. Not that I blame him.
what I don't understand with these hypocrites that if God told them to run, how can they stop? Even Cain should stay in if God told him to run in the first place, and presumably God can remove the obstacles etc. I mean, if I believed in all this religious claptap, and really thought an omnipotent deity wanted me to run for President, I wouldn't quit in my mission.
The separation of religion and logic is firmly enshrined in our Constitution, silly.
I'm just trying to give them the benefit of the Doubting Thomas….
She quit the campaign.
She left Marcus off the family Christmas card.
Methinks she's about to write a tell-all book, then pull an Arianna to gather in that juicy Soros currency.
Freedumb isn't free, it needs to buy a clue and get a pricey Superpac.
Candidates take note:
Injecting their leader with Crazy serum will render an Army of Fetuses impotent.
I think that was part of the ongoing storyline of "V", which also got tragically aborted, because Morena Baccarin.
Now, now – comedy is alive and well in the candidacy of Rick Santorum.
No, it's stillborn and in a plastic salad container on his mantle, however.
Ew, is that what's in Santorum Salad?
Really, could someone explain to me, and the Mensa meeting that is cable news, why mild reforms on a for-profit health insurance industry spells the end of freedom and America as we know it? This really needs to be asked of all these assclowns, every time they start to guano faucet it.
"Freedom" to Republicans means the "freedom" for wealthy insurance moguls to swindle people out of all their hard-earned money. If they can't even make a measly 60 billion a year, then the terrorists have won.
Because, soshalizms, Kenyan, death panels, is why.
Because shut up, is why
Mega-dittoes!
Because I said so.
Ipse Dixit.
I hate to say it so bluntly, but because racism, that's why.
You are, unfortunately, 100% correct. Never before in our history has an opposition party stated, from day one, that it would oppose everything a new president submitted. The ONLY explanation is racism.
so long and thanks for all the corn dogs!
(PS – best photo montage ever)
Right? One for the ages.
Yes I especially like seeing her bent over like that.
How will this affect the resale value of my signed Bible?
As with all great works of art, hang onto it until she's dead..
Our hearts go out to Congresschick Bachmann at this sad time. We should give her the peace she and Marcus need to put cute baby clothes on her aborted snowflake campaign, and gather those of the children who haven't already jumped the barbed wire and escaped, to kiss and cuddle the precious thing, and sing hymns to it. Be comforted, Michele: sweet little Campaignie is in heaven now, where as Luke 16:19-26 in the Good News tells us, Campaignie will have a front row seat to watch with giggling delight the writhing torment of your enemies in that place where the fire is not quenched, unable to receive the succor of the mere drop of water they plead for, because the gap cannot be crossed.
Now is the moment Sarah Palin's been waiting for…..
Sorry kids… Mommy's coming home…
And is she PISSED! Wouldn't wanna be the first kid to answer the door, is all I'm sayin'.
At least the question "Who's the dumbest GOP candidate?" has been answered. Shelley mustered up enough brain cells to conclude it was time to quit. Rick Perry is still going.
In the photo up there? Of Marcus and the corndog? Methinks he doth protest too much…
He's trying too hard to make it look like he's never eaten one before.
Goddess help me. But I can't stop looking at the one with "1L" and the corn dog.
It looked like smooth sailing for her after she won the Iowa straw poll, but then tragically, she spoke openly about what she believes in.
I told her to adopt the Marcel Marceaux Strategy, but would she listen to me? Nooo.
Too true. America is obsessed about slavery at traffic signals.
Note to self: Your obsession with all things "x" is not serving you well.
This is good news for John McCain.
This is why you always ask a follow up question. God is famous for being sketchy on the details. "President of what?" Would have saved us all a lot of time.
Michele, an oppressed nation cries out for your leadership! Okay, that nation is Uganda, and they want you to perform an exorcism and then have a pogrom against the gays, and then institute a government run by a series of high priestesses who speak to the The LORD after inhaling mephitic vapors from the Rift Valley — but you were close.
I'm sure there's a vacancy in the Lord's Resistance Army she could fill.
She'd have to explain Marcus.
I cut this out of Memzillas posting but…the phrase "Take Back Our Country" really, really, really chaps my ass. I want a bumpersticker that reads "My Country is still here. Sorry, that you seem to have misplaced yours."
I guess that is to wordy, right? How bout "FUCK YOU Conservative IDIOTS"
Or-
"My country is still here… maybe YOU should go."
The rest of the "Take Back Our Country" sentence, of course, is "…From That N***** In The White House."
They mean the Theocracy of Jesusland, which is another country. And besides, the wench is … I mean she quit her campaign.
She has put Tim Tebow in a tricky situation.
Not really. He will suspend his campaign for the Super Bowl this coming weekend after Pittsburgh flattens him nearly as badly.
"The lord god told me to quit football, to spend more time with my family. I wasn't winning all the time, also too."
Marcus will help him find his way.
Now who'll kiss this maiden, all forlorn?
The one over there milking the cow with the crumpled horn~
God: "Pwned!!1!"
At least she won't have to deal with all those "gotcha journalism" questions anymore.
A sad day in comedy.
but a funny day for the sad.
"…GAH this election season is not looking good, for comedy."
Like someone (I can't remember who) said in these pages, "Comedy is hard, motherfuckers. Better leave it to the professionals."
"Comedy is hard, motherfuckers. Better leave it to the professionals."
That's pretty funny, coming from an amateur!
ha! i think i said that! thank you for your attention.
Woman are great. It's just that they may not have some of the necessities to be, let's say, a president, or, perhaps, a vice-president.
I know that they have wanted to govern, and many of them haven't managed. But they are outstanding humans, very God-gifted and wonderful people … They are gifted with great musculature and various other things. They are fleet of foot and this is why there are a number of women politicians in Washington D.C.
"They are gifted with great musculature"
Especially if they kegel.
But they never get their own planet, because they must remain otherwise occupied, making spirit babies, in the afterlife.
So hopefully her and Marcus are now free to rejoin the Twin Cities swingers scene. We've missed them.
Maybe Perry will invite Newt and Bachmann and her petting zoo of children to Niggerhead for a loser barbecue.
So, with the shutdown of the Perry and Bachmann campaigns, I wonder if unemployment will go up now. Of course, Obama will be blamed.
Adiós, loca-ojos.
Marcus is understandably inconsolable; reportedly heard to sob: "Now Ted Haggard will never give me that reach-around in the Lincoln Bedroom!".
Since when has having no "viable way forward" ever stopped this zombie?
GAH this election season is not looking good, for comedy.
[cough] Santorum [cough]
Careful with all that coughing, some Santorum might slip out.
Quitters never win. Usually that is because they quit.
But Sarah says they make a lot more money. Now she and Shelly can finally stage the long-sought mud wrasslin match on PPV.
I wouldn't pay good money to watch that.
God's plan in Michele's mind strongly resembles the Cylons'.
Since God told Michele to run, did she check in first to see if it was OK to quit? Or maybe, she will come to the realization that the voices in her head, are not God.
It's the morning of the long knives. Duh Gov'Nuh waited in the bushes a long time to pay Ole Crazy Eyes back for some perceived slights. One-L turned her back, Duh Gov'Nuh saw her chance, and BANG! Right between the shoulder blades.
Meanwhile, Ole Crazy Eyes must go back to work. Along with Sen. Paul and Gov. Perry, she was one of the 3 major GNoPee candidates on the public payroll while campaigning for another office.
Gingrich, Huntsman and Romney appear to be independently wealthy and not feeding at the Federal trough while looking for a new job.
Jukesgrrl did some great research and reported it here, but it isn't completely clear to me what the heck Santorum is living on these days.
A prayer, obvs.
Salad.
She really is crazy if she thought the people she panders to would ever vote for her. They hate women. Duh.
Zactamundo.
I don't think she mentioned "Obamacare" enuf …
This sucks because now she might run for office in Minnesota again although they did change her district and I think they spread out the crazies that vote for her… I hope.
Marcus can't be First Lady, but he can still be Queen.
"There was no viable way forward." – That's what Marcus said!
Is that a corndog or Jesus's mummified penis? If the later then all I have to say is "way to go Jesus!
Also, Marcus should know not to use his teeth like that.
Bachman's wretched campaign was worth it, if only for the Wonkette photo montage.
PS- She looks like she knows what she's doing with that corndog. Marcus? He's pretending NOT to know what to do with it.
Speaking from the 'peg, you've been away too long, with global microwaving, we have a lot less winter than ever before, and guess what, no more mosquitos in our spring/summer/fall. As for the screaming meenie, she comes across as deranged to the outsider …
Bitch needs to get laid (for something besides procreation).
Amen!
Needs more corn dogs & beef sundaes!
Bottom right .. is that crazy eyes and ob….oba….obam…
o never mind.
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