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PEACE OUT, CRAZY PERSONNEW YORK—Hi good morning! Did you also stay awake until 3am last night to learn who 0.04% of the American population considers the preferable Republican candidate? No? Well good for you! Because boy did we just feel like a bunch of jerks for staying up like this was Florida 2000 or something. And it wasn’t even close! Because Romney cleaned Santorum’s clock by a staggering eight votes, fully seven more than it took George Bush to beat Al Gore in 2000’s Supreme Court election. Eight votes! That breaks down to something like 12% of the total number of ballots cast in Tuesday night’s contest. This thing wasn’t even close!

(We kid.) (But only sort of.)

Romney snagged thirteen of Iowa’s delegates last night, while the remaining twelve went to Rick Santorum, leaving Ron “We’re All Austrians Now” Paul—who finished a strong third with 21% of the vote—not a single delegate to take to Tampa. Now do you see? This is why the Fed shouldn’t control interest rates!!

So what does this all add up to in the money game? Oof, well: Rick Santorum spent merely $1.65 per vote compared to Romney’s $113 apiece, both of which were markedly less than Rick Perry’s whopping $817 per vote (related: Mr. Perry will be taking his ball and going home now thank you very much).

And some polls were taken! Rick Santorum has already enjoyed a bump in New Hampshire according to a CNN snap poll, jumping from 5% to 10% in the overnights.

And voters across the country must have been paying attention last night, since as Ari Melber points out at The Nation ‘Rick Santorum’ also surged to the top of the Google Trends list, and remains there this morning. The good news for Santorum here is that people were searching for ‘Rick Santorum’—which returns pages from his campaign website as the only above-the-fold hits—as opposed to just ‘Santorum’—which, well, we all know where that leads.

Oh and some other polls were taken! Totally meaningless ones that made our collective heads explode! Because leave it to US News—which, wait, how is this thing still in our Google Reader?!—to take care of the Very Pressing Business of asking a bunch of GOP insiders who they expect to see joining the ticket with (presumptive?) nominee Mitt Romney later this year. The list? John Thune (ok, sure), Chris Christie (obviously), Marco Rubio (very calculated!), and (wait for it…) Condoleezza Rice!!

So the circus heads to New Hampshire now, where John McCain will be endorsing Mitt Romney later today. (And we think Mitt might want to keep that one under wraps? Just a hunch!)

We have very little to report this morning from elsewhere in the world, because apparently nothing else happened in the world that was nearly as important as the fourteen people who cast votes last night in Iowa. But! It’s worth paying attention to Richard Berner, the White House’s nominee for the new Office of Financial Research established by Dodd-Frank, because we’re likely going to see a replay of Richard Cordray’s blocked nomination to head the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, when Republicans decided to block his nomination not so much because they disliked him but because they disliked the agency he’d be heading that oh by the way *they’d already voted to establish in the first place when Dodd-Frank was passed seriously now what’s the matter with you guys.

Oh also we hear there was an important football contest last night? So we would like to finish today by congratulating the good young student athletes who received scholarships to never attend class at the University of Michigan for beating the other team of good young student athletes who received scholarships to never attend class at Virginia Tech.

[READ MORE AT THE GIFZETTE.]

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  • This either means something important or it's a harbinger of something else. We'll know in deep retrospect.

    • Troubledog

      Thank you, David Brooks

    • I think the next six months are going to critical in telling us which. I know, because my taxi driver in Dubai said so.

    • UW8316154

      It could go either way here, Donner. Only time will tell.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Like my most recent fortune cookie said: "Something may happen to you before long." (really!)

    • CapeClod

      I believe that we are on the verge of television pundits fapping endlessly about what all this means.

  • SorosBot

    "Oh also we hear there was an important football contest last night?"

    Uh, no; last night was Tuesday, there was no football, the playoffs start next weekend. Note that minor-league football with unpaid players is by definition not important.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      You mean college players don't get a paycheck? What the hell's the point, then?

      • DaRooster

        Well, it isn't like the schools make any money from all the players work… 'cuz then we might think it wasn't quite fair.

      • Terry

        They get free room and board for four years, plus enrollment in classes that they pretend to attend.

        • SorosBot

          Plus free coverups for every rape they commit on campus.

        • CapeClod

          And when they matriculate, they get offered millions of dollars to sustain concussions for five years then wind up bankrupt and punchy a few years after they 'retire.'

      • BerkeleyBear

        I dunno, they get paid as much as the grad students who actually teach the classes they may or may not attend do (ie, bupkis). Seriously, it is about the same – the Graduate Teaching Assistants get tuition waivers plus a stipend, athletes get scholarships that cover tuition, room and board (and the room part of it, at least, is typically a monthly stipend that most players turn into beer and pizza money by having 3-4 guys share an apartment).

        So in the university plantation logic, it all makes sense. All hail massa alma mater!

        • unclejeems

          Wouldn't that be Ole Miss alma mater?

    • Fare la Volpe

      You say that like major league paid football is important.

      • paris biltong

        Maybe a new Goodwin's law could address the distracting power of sports in discussions. In a discussion about other things besides sports, after how many exchanges among otherwise sane adults does someone mention a game?

        • This, albeit gender-flipped, is basically my reaction to every sports discussion ever.

          Also, "sportball" and "Sportland Sports" are seriously a part of my lexicon.

    • Them's fightin' words

    • mrbubb

      Yeah, I guess since you didn't attend college, the games don't matter to you. And of course, Michigan-Ohio State has nothing on that eternal rivalry, Saints-Lions. Enjoy your redneck rabid fandom, jackhole.

  • Goonemeritus

    I for one hail the brave caucus voters for sending Bachmann and Perry a clear message to go home.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      But an 8 vote victory? Not exactly a mandation for restoring the fundamental time tested truths of real America free market corporate personhood freedoms.

  • dijetlo

    The Libertarians go full paultard in 3…2…

    • prommie

      They're always full Paultard, thats the problem with libertarianism, it only has one setting, its stuck on "11."

  • Goonemeritus

    If I had just one wish for the New Year it would be that Santorum win the nomination. Come on evangelicals aren’t you tired of being the homely BFF of the Republican Party, stand up for your rights.

    • CapeClod

      Plus he has a plan to make all of us well off financially by getting everyone to finish high school and then get married.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Good thing I slammed that quart of Who Gives A Flying Fuck when I got home last night.

  • Barrelhse

    Bachmann is thanking God for bringing the US into existence. What a stupid cunt

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Lulz….wasn't expecting that! (But, yeah…)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Of course, this is definitely a double edged sword for us down here in Texas, insofar as now Perry comes back here to governate for the next three years. Fahk!!

  • PubOption

    Is that a photo of Muchele's bus leaving town?

  • Harry_S_Truman

    God lied to Bachmann and Perry; he set them up for failure. What a mean god.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      When they pray to him tonight and ask him what went wrong, God will tell them, "PSYCH!!!!!"

    • Guppy

      They were hoping for Jesus and got Old Testament Jehovah instead. Smiting and genocide for all!

    • Terry

      God was distracted by trying to help Tim Tebow defeat the heathens and infidels on whichever team Tebow's is playing.

      • Chichikovovich

        And for the past few weeks, he's been screwing that up too. He really needs to learn how to multitask.

        • Terry

          Even a supreme being can only do so much.

    • SorosBot

      It's been pretty obvious that he's a total mean asshole ever since god said to Abraham, "Kill me your son."

  • Baconzgood

    NEEDZ MOAR FREE RANDY TRAVIS!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Oof, well: Rick Santorum spent merely $1.65 per vote compared to Romney’s $113 apiece, both of which were markedly less than Rick Perry’s whopping $817 per vote"

    A buck-sixty-five per vote!?!?! Man, those Jewish guys sure are clever with the money, and making it stretch. Wait, what? He's not?

  • AlterNewt

    I'm just not feeling that old Romney buzz like in 08.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Like the Kerry Sparkle in 04.

  • CrunchyKnee

    WHERE WAS THE BLIMP!!!!11111!

    • hollywooddood

      It was in Gingrich's pants. But then it deflated.

      • DaRooster

        Poor Calista… like… forever…

      • Fare la Volpe

        Bob Dole can fix that.

    • smitallica

      Governing in New Jersey.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Lakehurst, New Jersey, that is…

  • Fukui_SanYesOta

    Oddly enough, I remember Malt Rimley's concession speech after Florida 2008, where he claimed that he'd spend his time fighting terrorism (wtf?) and that the US would become France if Democrats got elected.

    I quite like croissants, so I'm a little disappointed.

    Anyway, the best thing about this whole pointless Iowa clown comitatus is that the freepers are totally melting down and claiming the whole thing is a swindle cooked up by Flopney, Karl Rove and .. get this .. FOX NEWS. The true wingtards really believe everything is a conspiracy to deprive them of their god-given rights to be clueless fools.

    • elviouslyqueer

      The true wingtards really believe everything is a conspiracy to deprive them of their god-given rights to be clueless fools.

      I would totally go along with this, except for old Poop-and-Cumfroth's second place finish. What in the ever-loving fucking fuck was Iowa thinking?

  • Hera Sent Me

    I'm sure Rick could have gotten George W.'s Supreme Court buddies to help him out if things seemed to go the other way.

    It's carved right there on the front of the court building – MONEY TALKS

  • I ran across this from Nate Silver back in spring 2010. If I'm not mistaken it was the earliest speculation what a "generic Republican" contender to unseat Obama would look like. Lede goes: "The most electable Republican in America is … um … Ron Paul?"
    Yes, compadres, there are anomalies, crackpots, and charlatans in this strange brew and little has changed since polls were testing Silver's mien 18 months previous.

  • I don't know about the rest of you but I just wanna hug all over conservatives for rejecting Perry. I don't know if I coulda took one more deliberate Fuck You from the mouthbreathing crowd without killing a few of them.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Being able to count to at least three is the baseline qualification for running as a Republican, and Perry couldn't do it.

  • Would saying last night's results should lube Santorum's campaign be redundant?

    Wuz sad to miss the live blogging, and you guys did a magnificent job, but actually wuz under a pier last night because of those tide things which we don't why they go in or out. Fortunately Madame Lulu at the tide chart plant can channel the tide Gods so they can publish their tables.

  • Doktor Zoom

    The Junior Anti-Sex League has always supported a ban on contraception.

    • Chichikovovich

      And war with Iransia.

  • Baconzgood

    OK OK OK….I'm trying to be calm so I'll say this in my indoor voice….

    Being from PA (born and lived for a large part of my life) I'd like to do the following. Drink beer (which I'm not a big fan of) to the verge of alcohol poisoning and take all those rubes who voted for Santorum and take them into a giant room, a gym perhaps, and gouge out their eyes with a spork and piss on them…..Fuck that fucking fuck tard fuck head dick whore cunt shit stain fuck. Any one who votes for that douche bag is a fucking fuck-fuck head that couldn't find a somthing with a somthing and a compass and somthing else…..AHHHHHHGGGGGHHHHGHGHGHHGHH!!!!! I'm so pissed I can't even snark or come up with a good quip!

    • At least we know the October surprise: the death of his Trisomy 18 baby daughter! Let's just see Obama try to muslim-socialize his way against that!

    • prommie

      I love you for your hate and rage!

    • proudgrampa

      Oh, c'mon, tell us how you REALLY feel.

    • Swampgas_Man

      I've only been in these parts for a little while (20 yrs), but I understand that the surge of Santorum is the Kwazy Kwotient — that hearty "Fuck You!" to sanity and reality that the nutbars emit on a weekly, if not daily, basis. They'd be just as horrified if he won, Gawd forbid, but they enjoy poking the media bear in his cage.

    • Chichikovovich

      Gotta lay off the Iron City, man. That stuff is poison.

      No, really – it's poison. They add arsenic and mercury to give it that unique chemical taste.

      • Baconzgood

        Yuengling! I hate Iron Shitty. It is poison. I always feel sorry for the people by me the day after drinking. It's the most farty of beers.

        • Could be worse; they brew PBR from the water in the bottom of trash dumpsters so you smell like Oscar the Grouch the whole next morning and everyone thinks you're a hipster cuz you look like shit and reek of PBR

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if the winner of the 2008 Iowa Republican Caucus, Mike Huckabee, made congratulatory phone calls to last night's winners.

  • On "we're all Austrians now," this is the thing other than the white supremacist stuff that terrifies me about Ron Paul.

    Republicans are willing to destroy the economy because they're thugs seeking electoral victory and want to discredit Democrats on the way, sure, but Ron Paul wants to destroy the economy because he actually believes this evidence-free bullshit.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      You know who else was an Austrian?

      • IncenseDebate

        Mozart?

      • SorosBot

        Schwarzenegger?

      • Doktor Zoom

        Crocodile Dundee?

      • hollywooddood

        Russell Crowe?

      • YasserArraFeck

        Ahnuld Schvahrtzenazi?

      • Von Trapps FTW!

        The hills are alive
        With the sound of music
        With songs they have sung
        For a thousand years

        The hills fill my heart
        With the sound of music
        My heart wants to sing ev'ry song it hears

        My heart wants to beat like the wings of the birds
        That rise from the lake to the trees
        My heart wants to sigh like a chime that flies
        From a church on a breeze!!!!!!!!

      • Fmr Govercalifornicator Arnold Hauskeeperbänger?

      • doloras

        Josef Fritzl?

    • Fare la Volpe

      If evidence mattered to Paultards they wouldn't be Paultards in the first place.

  • CliveWarren

    "Ron “We’re All Austrians Now” Paul"

    G'Day mates! Shrimps on the barbies are on me!!!

    • prommie

      You know who else was an Austrian?

      Yahoo Serious!

      • CliveWarren

        Cuckoo-dial Dundee?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      There's nothin like going walkabout in the Austrian outback.

      I love to go a-wandering,
      Along the Ayres Rock track,
      And as I go, I love to sing,
      My sixpack on my back.

      Val-deri,Val-dera,
      Val-deri,
      Val-dera-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
      Val-deri, Val-dera.
      My sixpack on my back.

      • Barrelhse

        Is the Austrian Outback near Vienna?

  • hollywooddood

    Go Santorum! We need a President obsessed with birth control and gay sex!

  • raygotaway

    If I could just get myself to care . . .
    Okay, I can't.

  • IncenseDebate

    Running for president is like going through hell. It looks like Romney will have to go through Santorum to get the nomination.

    • Fare la Volpe

      That's a slippery slope.

  • kissawookiee

    You know who *else* was Austrian and hated non-whites and, and, and…

    Damn. Some fruit is so low-hanging it's already sitting in the horseshit on the road.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Josef Fritzl?

    • DaRooster

      Ahnold?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, looks like going to the race card paid off, in spades, if you will, for Santorum.

  • The upside of the Iowa vote is that is gives Rick Santorum a chance to let his freak flag fly.

    I doubt very muc that he can get through the next couple primaries without stepping on his short little dick.

  • poorgradstudent

    Plutocrat versus Theocrat: No Matter Who Wins, We Lose.

  • Redrighthand

    Anyone else notice that huge herpe on Marcus bachmanns lip last night? In HD it was simply stunning!

  • hollywooddood

    Santorum really did come from behind.

  • DaRooster

    Stayed up until 3 am?

    For that… No.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Well, Mittens should be happy he wasn't smeared by Santorum.

  • tcaalaw

    Suggested headline: "Romney leaves Santorum in his wake."

  • freakishlywrong

    I believe I speak for all of us here when I say; "Meh". Fucking "Meh".

  • NorthStarSpanx

    I don't know about y'all, but he makes fetus jars more preferable to what he and his wife did with their premature baby. . .

    • Chichikovovich

      One of the less-publicized planks on the Santorum platform is a federal requirement that hospitals give the following sheet to women who have miscarried:

      How would you like your special, real baby and not a "fetus", baby's remains treated (choose one only, no write ins):

      a) Dumped in a biohazard disposal unit along with medical waste and urine-soaked diapers*? The sweet angel resting in Jesus' arms will be photographed in the bin, with the photographs used for 4' x 3' signs hoisted by the protesters who will surround your house and block your driveway.

      b) Interred with a respectful Christian service after you and your legal husband and children have kissed it and cuddled it and sung hymns to it for hours.

      *Note – choosing a) may lead to indefinite detention in Gitmo once we get one more Supreme Court vote.

  • He missed it by just one dick wriggle.

  • CapeClod

    Those Iowa voters are just setting up Rick Santorum's children for another huge, publicly embarrassing bawl session.

    • DaRooster

      I think they are done bawling… you know who their dad is?

  • Guppy

    It's mourning in America!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Just repeat this phrase in your head: "President Santorum."
    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!

    • proudgrampa

      Four to eight years of nonstop hilarity!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I'll miss Callista. Long Live the Romtorum (Santorum santorum.)

  • Santorum Surges From Behind!

    Not gonna to let a mere 8 votes stop this headline. Wouldn't be prudent.
    ~

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Next up, New Hampshire. Isn't that where the "wriggle in excrement" lady hails from? I wonder if she will be voting for Santorum.

  • freddymcmurray

    the santorum missed it by a cunt, er, ass hair.

  • prommie

    Santorum surge scares Romney!

  • prommie

    But, but, but, how will the savior and restorer of western civilization save and restore our civilization now?

  • paris biltong

    For 1,634 dollars, I would gladly have voted for Perry twice.

  • El Pinche_v2

    Did BP cause a gas leak in Iowa. Holy shit.

  • Bachmann has a bright future as a reality TV star ahead of her, maybe something like North Country Fist Fishing or Fargo Storage Wars?

    • prommie

      Anna Nicole.

  • prommie

    The best thing about this is the Newtenfreude. Romney is a rich republican, and he'd be horrible for the country, Santorum is half a tard and a religious zealot as well, and he'd be bad for the country and the world, but Newt, he is the one you'd most like to punch in the face and kick in the nads and then stuff in a garbage can face first. Fat little fucker's face just begs to be smacked. Fuck you, Newt!

  • subsum

    I heard he won by 8 votes. I wonder who those 8 douchebags are.

    • proudgrampa

      The unused ones?

  • Anyone, butt, Romney.

  • proudgrampa

    God help me, I was sorta rooting for the Ron Paul fella. Everybody else in that field just took themselves too seriously.

  • And Rick Perry heads back to Texass after seeing his "huge opening" filled by Santorum…

  • Douché

    Santorum must be bubbling with anticipation at his new prospects.

  • Slim_Pickins

    And Newt WON ALL THE VOTES among caucus goers that didn't vote for someone else, an astounding performance?

  • Karma_Suture

    Poles (sic) show Santorum surge?

    Eewwwwwwww!

  • Chichikovovich

    There must have been 10 or fifteen Iowans who wrote in "Lizard People". I bet they're embarrassed now – Santorum could have won if it weren't for the splitting of the lizard vote.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Wednesday morning quarterbacking, lil' Ricky is asking who he should have butt fucked to get 8 more votes.

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