Try To Act Surprised: Iowa Republicans Love Santorum
It's still early in Vampire Hours for the Iowa caucus results to be definitive, but Rick Santorum appears to be holding a slight lead, or maybe even a tie, with Asteroid Jesus-worshipper Mitt Romney. We are what, half-way thru this abomination? This is just embarrassing for everyone involved, because Rick Santorum has spent approximately "his last six dollars" in Iowa, one millionth of what all other candidates campaigning in Iowa have spent each in order to lose to a weepy, whiny bigot whose principal appeal to the rest of America is sex comedy, due to his filthy name.
10: 51 - Here is a disgusting Google Map of the Santorum wave, in Iowa. WE THOUGHT YOU PEOPLE LIKED SNOW, JESUS.
10: 55 - We are noticing a thing, on Twitter: people seem to be referring to Rick Santorum as "Santo," which is COMPLETELY incorrect. SANTO, as your formerly Messican editor can tell you, is a venerable Mexican luchador who represented Good in the battle versus Evil beings such as B-movie vampires, unlike this horrible fake human "Rick Santorum" who wants to destroy America, to prove he is straight.
11: 02 - (EASTERN TIME) Twitter reports that Michele Bachmann is supposed to drop out, immediately. Eff, WE NEED A FEW MINUTES TO MAKE THAT BLINGEE, sheesh. Calm down, Twitter. It's a Tuesday night.
11: 08 - Ha ha, Politico's talking bald people report that Rick Santorum's surge is pooping out (SORRY), because Americans overwhelmingly enjoy birth control, a thing that Rick Santorum wants to outlaw.
11: 12 - MEAN GRAMPA:
11: 19 - Ahahahaha, Newt is sobbing, somewhere. Oh right, he is in 894th place.
11: 22 - Your favorite neighborhood cat lady Kathryn-Jean Lopez is subtly mocking Newt Gingrich, can you catch it? "newt is all congrats, unless your name is mitt, it would seem." Oh god, we are slapping our knees, SUCH WIT.
11: 25 - Oh wait, has no one stopped to consider yet that Ron Paul is 438 years old? John McCain was only 104 years old when he ran for the Republican nomination. Sorry, Ron Paul, your insanity is due to being Too Old, so it doesn't count. Probably Eric Cantor should get into the race at this point, because everyone loves his youthful nutiness, right?
11: 33 - The AP reports that Michele Bachmann may abandon her attempt to sell books tonight. Comedy sincerely weeps. SAY IT AIN'T SO, our dear pill-abuse poster child! We aren't ready for this yet.
11: 40 - "With 95% reporting, Iowa is between a frothy mix of fecal matter and lube, and a space demon."
11: 49 - Marcus Bachmann is wearing "doggie sunglasses," because of Rick Santorum's man-on-dog sex fetish. Whatever that means, we don't really want to know.
11: 51 - The LIZARD PEOPLE are making a comeback in the polls tonight, for dignity.
11: 54 - Less than negative six votes separate Frothy from Fakey. We are referring to Jack Kemp and Michael Dukakis, obviously.
11: 56 - Political reporters in a weird dither over the idea of a RECOUNT, since there are only a few votes worth of difference between Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum. True, not like anyone knew how to make sense of the 2008 recount. MATH IT IS HARD.
12: 01 - NYTIMES Twitterati are reporting that Rick Perry will return to his home in his gun safe in Texas in shame, without ever resolving any of these "Rick Perry is gay" rumors. This is the worst night ever.
12: 06 - Jesus X. Christ, Rick Perry actually seems to be dropping out. Has GOD authorized this, as Rick Perry's campaign manager?
12: 11 - WALNUTS!! Oh, good old Walnuts. Thank you for rescuing tomorrow's political coverage: 2008 loser John MccCain will endorse other 2008 loser Mittens, tomorrow. This will probably change everything.
12: 17 - No matter how many times we refresh this Google Map, Santorum and Romney remain tied in Iowa.
12: 22 - Everyone is getting tired. "MITT ROMNEY AND RICK SANTORUM ARE STILL STUCK IN A THREE-WAY" is a headline, even though there are two of them. It is late, to be fair. We are also tired. Why does Iowa have to be in the Midwest, in a godforsaken timezone that is one hour earlier than our own?
12: 25 - OH HOORAY, Mittens is finally leading by 0.01%, maybe this thing will be over soon?
12: 27 - Rick Perry will probably finish in fifth place. It's like America didn't appreciate all that whimpering spam he forwarded to Jesus on their behalf, INGRATES.
12: 31 - Oh hooray, we have moved onto the part of the evening where all the dipshit pundits discuss how Mitt Romney won the libtard "suburban" areas of Iowa, whereas Rick Santorum won over the hibernating fungus that lives under hay bales to survive the winter. State caucuses are awesome.
12: 41 - Rick Santorum still winning by 0.01% of the vote with 99% reporting. You are the most amazing state that America has ever invented, Iowa.
12: 47 - Democracy is exhausting. Political pundits are guessing "by how many votes are Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum separated at this point, in the orgy?" Here, Google search can easily solve this puzzle: FIVE VOTES.
12: 49 - The New Yorker alcoholics have determined that Mitt Romney is one of them. Who could blame him?
12: 56 - Remember that terrifying homophobe pastor who blessed Barack Obama's inauguration? He is glad to hear that Rick Santorum is hitting on everyone like a common prostitute:
1: 05 - OH NOES it's another day entirely, isn't it? The TEEVEE IDIOTS have given up talking about the caucuses, apparently. There is nothing but Silence now on the airwaves, which in a strange way is a thing we would like to liveblog in itself. Ready?
1: 09 - That was it. We liveblogged Quiet. Enjoy. In a dual triumph for Boredom and Insanity, Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney continue to be tied for the win, forever. GOOD NITE, DEAR READERS!