LATE FESTIVUS MIRACLES  9:32 pm January 3, 2012

Ron Paul Is (Briefly) the Winner of the Iowa Caucus!

by Ken Layne

Totally like in Fellowship of the King or whatever.Haha, what the hell is going on in Iowa? Ron Paul is winning right now, with 15% of the Iowa Caucus Pie Socials reporting, while the disgustingly frothy Santorum Surge has sprayed all over Mitt Romney’s $25,000 suit. (Don’t worry, Mitt has another dozen $25,000 suits in his limo, and more in the suite, and more probably being flown in on his private jet, probably from Milan.) The people on the cable news swore that Ron Paul could only win if there was a Snowpocalypse, and yet it’s relatively warm and dry in Iowa and he’s still winning. It’s like the Republicans suddenly decided that they’re giving up on America, too. And it’s about time!

What time is it, in Iowa, anyway? Time to learn about life in the President Ron Paul world, that’s what! A world with no foreign oil, which means no petroleum fertilizer and no tractors and no endless miles of semi trucks and choo-choo trains carrying corn syrup and soy fillers to America’s gaping maw. Maybe Iowa can return to Tall Grass Prarie, with bison and stuff! Literally anything would be better than the current Iowa, with its Saudi Arabian-fueled monocultures and high school football games on every radio station. Oh, sorry Iowa, we forgot that an Iowan hipster made a YouTube (with the F-word!) to defend the state! No more Iowa jokes, then … not until exactly four years from now.

Anyway, let’s say it’s “about 8:30 p.m.” in Iowa.

8:30 PM (In Iowa) — There is big excitement, as many cable news personalities are in Iowa, just like four years ago! We have learned (again) about the quaint customs, such as “pie” and “ethanol subsidies.”
8:34 PM — What kind of horrible country is America? It’s the kind of horrible country that would give Wolf Blitzer many hundreds of thousands of dollars of year to say things like this, while other people are trying to talk about the Iowa caucus: “AND … THE .. BLACK EYED PEAS … ARE PERFORMING, DID YOU … CATCH THAT … IN IOWA?”
8:39 PM — Oh noes, the Washington Post twitter media person says Rachel Maddow got HOAXED by … eh, it is too unimportant to repeat, as it involves the name “Gary Johnson.”
8:45 PM — While the networks run the usual loops of fun features they run every four years, such as “How do caucuses work,” Talking Points Memo has posted alleged new results showing Mitt Romney now has a small lead over Santorum and Paul, with 31% of the pies having been eaten in middle school “multipurpose rooms.”
8:47 PM — Here is an article on The Atlantic website called “The Greatness of Ron Paul.” It’s not even by Andrew Sullivan! See these while you can, so you can tell your kids (“Atlas” and “Shrug”) what it was like when Doctor Paul almost nearly won the Iowa caucus in 2012.
8:49 PM — Oh, and if you’re wondering “How do caucuses work,” as so many watching the Iowa caucus would seem to be wondering, based on the constant video news-feature explanations, this is how they work: Sometimes when a man and woman really love each other, they have sex at night. And then there are the people of Iowa, who go to school auditoriums to listen to Ann Romney read off an iPad or whatever, and then everyone has some pie and politely talks about getting that black man out of the White House.
8:54 PM (again, in IOWA TIME) — Only one of the GOP candidates has a tasteful home, this row house in Washington, and this is the same candidate currently at 1% in the Iowa caucus: Jon Huntsman.
9 PM IOWA TIME / 10 PM EASTERN / 7 PM PACIFIC — MSNBC lawn gnome Chuck Todd just said NBC/MSNBC will not call it, not now, not until “all the votes are counted,” whatever that may mean. So, long night ahead! Or, short night, if you just go do something else like read a book or sleep or take a bath or yell at the neighbors.
9:16 PM — We are watching the Des Moines Register video feed, because … we don’t know? It lacks the high comedy of the MSNBC and Fox and CNN clowns. Let’s paste in a picture of Rick Santorum, seen today, looking exactly like the French racist “Tin Tin.”

Garanimals.

9:22 PM — And with 46% of the pies now consumed, it’s Romney and Santorum swimming gracefully in a pool of semen at 24% each while Doctor Newsletter is at 22% and Michele Bachmann is deep into next month’s pill prescription already.
9:35 PM — The Ron Paul second surge may still come, as the college counties have yet to report. So, if everybody finished D&D and figured out where to do this caucus thing and didn’t get distracted by “Second Dessert” (pies), then Ron Paul may still come in first place!
9:37 PM — Almost halfway counted, and now it’s Santorum 24.3%, Romney 23.6%, Paul 21.8%.
9:49 PM WHICH IS NEARLY 11 P.M. IN NEW YORK — Shall we have Kirsten Boyd do a liveblog? YES WE SHALL.

 
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{ 280 comments }

DrunkIrishman January 3, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Iowa Republicans voted for Mike Huckabee. Obviously, they're all children of the corn there.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 3, 2012 at 9:34 pm

I hope this means more blimps more often.

nounverb911 January 3, 2012 at 9:51 pm

And maybe some Hindenburgs.

Loaded_Pants January 3, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Oh the humanity!

hollywooddood January 3, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Stop making fun of Sarah.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 9:36 pm

Yeah, like I'm going to spread Santorum on this $25,000 suit. Come on!

memzilla January 3, 2012 at 9:36 pm

– The Ballad of Newt Gingrich —

♫ ♪ Come and listen to my story 'bout an ass named Newt
A triple-married whiner, always griftin' for the loot.
He led all the Rethuglicans in callin' Clinton crude
While cheatin' on his wife an' doin' things that you'd call lewd.

Adultery, that is. Blowjobs. Doggie style.

Well the first thing you know ol' Newt's a millionaire
Then America said "Newt, now vacate the Speaker's chair."
He thought, "Doin' lobbyin' is what I oughtta be"
So he married two more wives and bought a lotta Tiffany.

Jewels, that is. Whore diamonds. Charge accounts.

Well, now it's time to say goodbye to Newt and all his kin
You screwed up this whole country with greed, war, and racism.
We all hope the Rethuglicans are never majority
They've made the US Congress an embarrasing parody.

Of gummint, that is. Koch Brothers. Bought 'em all off.

Y'all f**k off now, y'hear? ♫ ♪

ThundercatHo January 3, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Very, very nice. I did one a while back for our contractor friend (from WVA) who dug into his own septic line but this is much better.

Barrelhse January 3, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Waylon Lives!

weejee January 4, 2012 at 9:12 am

He didn't take the plane with Buddy.

outragedcitizen January 4, 2012 at 8:23 am

Most Excellent, Sir!

weejee January 4, 2012 at 9:11 am

Seems all the music didn't die in that frozen Clear Lake, Iowa cornfield. You rock Mem. Buddy would be pleased.

Crank_Tango January 3, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Looks like they are frothing at the mouth in the browneye state. Sucks to be Gingrich tho, as can be expected.

Mumbletypeg January 3, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Ron Paul poised to capture the brass ring. Will conservatard heads asplode like last weekend's made-in-Chinese fireworks display? or will it be enough just to envision how many Repuglican handlers' necks will wring, in the New Year?

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Rachel Maddow speculates that Ron Paul's goal, besides actually winning, is keeping Mittens from getting the nomination…could be an amusing GOP convention this year…

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 9:44 pm

And Chris Hayes says that, paradoxically, he'll probably actually help Mittens get the nomination; but Paul's an idiot and doesn't realize that.

Barb January 3, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Suck it, Bachmann. I said, SUCK IT!

ThundercatHo January 3, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Rick Perry to Marcus in the back of a tour bus?

Crank_Tango January 3, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Win.

UW8316154 January 3, 2012 at 10:41 pm

omfg win

darthclaytor January 3, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Just wait until the old vote comes it.

wondering where i am January 3, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Yep, it takes the oldz a long time to come.

PuckStopsHere January 3, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Oh, fuck yes. Nominate this guy, Ron Paul, for president. Republicans are a scream!

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 3, 2012 at 9:37 pm

So, this is good news for the Iranians?

And the pot smokers?

Never thought those two would get together.

darthclaytor January 3, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Toss a blimp in there and Iran will capture the world!

Crank_Tango January 3, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Reminds me of when I was a young man studying in Paris and the Iran Air office on the Champs Elysées had a big hookah in the window and we thought it was for hash and always got a big kick out of it.

Which in turn reminds me of my Iranian gf who I last saw in Paris…oh Leila, where are you now, my beautiful evening? (She's in NY). Oh well.

anniegetyerfun January 3, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Oh, goodness, all Iranians are total potheads.

Doktor Zoom January 3, 2012 at 9:37 pm

NPR mentioned that the entrance polls showed that a pretty substantial percentage of people supporting Paul said they were Democrats or Independents voting R for the night

anniegetyerfun January 3, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Stupid liberals! You'd think they could vote for Gingrich. I just can't get enough of that guy.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 3, 2012 at 9:38 pm

It is truly a 3-way from hell.

KenLayIsAlive January 3, 2012 at 9:50 pm

I am finding this three way difficult to masturbate to.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 3, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Flop, flop, flop instead of fap, fap, fap?

flamingpdog January 3, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Flip-flop, flip-flop instead of fap, fap, fap.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 3, 2012 at 9:38 pm

I'm just waiting for the headline: Santorum Eclipses Romney.

Spurning Beer January 3, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Inundates.

flamingpdog January 3, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Santorum dates Romney. Marcus jealous.

Barrelhse January 3, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Old Mittens gonna look like the rear window of a station wagon on family vacation.

horsedreamer_1 January 3, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Bottom falls out in Iowa; Romney prolapses, Santorum in a rout.

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Is it just me, or are all the networks going to commercial at the exact same time? Ugh.

DustBowlBlues January 3, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Hasn't mattered for the last half hour for me. I've been dealing with netflix sign in. Mission not accomplished.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 3, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Based upon the exit poll data I've seen, Romney is doing very well with those making over $100,000 a year. So he has that base to build upon.

Local_Mojo January 3, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Jehovah, the maker of heaven and earth, told Michele and Perry to run. I think it was actually a prank call, or else God has a Wonkettish sense of humor.

flamingpdog January 3, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Are all of Ron Paul's robo-calls* crank calls?

*no, not Soros-libel.

Barrelhse January 3, 2012 at 10:08 pm

He may have meant for them to run
Out on Highway Number Sixty-one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yclRjptWlW8&fe

Biff January 3, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Same deity also told the Pizza Guy to run. And Romney, too. I'm not sure about Santorum, though.

Dudleydidwrong January 3, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Santorum is always runny.

anniegetyerfun January 3, 2012 at 10:31 pm

I'm not kidding, I actually totally forgot about Rick Perry. Completely.

mannacler January 3, 2012 at 10:56 pm

God is a drunk dialer.

Dashboard Buddha January 3, 2012 at 11:25 pm

If god doesn't have a Wonketeer sense of humor, I don't want to go to heaven.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 3, 2012 at 9:39 pm

With all the santorum spraying about, I forgot about lil' Ronnie.

The little newsletter writer that could!

wheelie_ January 3, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Nothing like a good old crazy maverick to lead the Republican ticket.

Radiotherapy January 3, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Fuck yeah, Santorum, what could be more fun?

noodlesalad January 3, 2012 at 9:40 pm

You say you want a reLOVEution, well you know, what the fuck is that?
You say it's the Constitution, well you know, you're crazier than a loony bat.
But if you go writing newsletters filled with racial slurs
All I can tell you is Iowa GOP voters will probably concur.
Well you know it's going to be, Obama's night.
Well you know it's going to be, Obama's night.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Did you see the bit where Cee-Lo changed the lyrics of Imagine from "And no religion, too" to "And all religions true" on one of the New Years Eve shows? Fuck that guy.

noodlesalad January 3, 2012 at 9:51 pm

If all religion is true, then none of it is true. I like Cee-Lo but give me a break, and please spare America from the musings of a Philosophy 101 student because 90% will be pissed that you're equating their old guy in the sky with someone else's, and the other 10% will be pissed about the obvious logical fallacies in the sophomoric argument.

OneDollarJuana January 3, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Just you wait. It'll be Te-bow next who sings it every time he fucks up a pass.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Tebow's would be "and one religion, too (and that's mine, bitches)"

noodlesalad January 3, 2012 at 10:03 pm

"Imagine there's no Broncos" is something I could get behind.

Fukui_SanYesOta January 3, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Fuckface also changed "imagine no possessions" to "imagine all possessions"

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 9:42 pm

The Paultards on HuffyPo are getting to be utterly tiresome…

ShaveTheWhales January 3, 2012 at 9:54 pm

"getting to be"?

Beowoof January 3, 2012 at 10:53 pm

Oh I can't even go there, I would be losing my mind with those Forrest Gump wannabes.

PalinzADummy January 3, 2012 at 11:01 pm

It's why I rarely visit.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 3, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Interesting aside: I just finished watching Return of the King last night.
Spoiler alert: The hobbits never kissed like I expected them to.

fuflans January 3, 2012 at 9:42 pm

i do not care who wins as long as there is reason to keep running the santorum family photo.

FatalServerErrorFace January 3, 2012 at 9:42 pm

You Northern Mexicans are most entertaining. Please carry on…

EatFrankRich January 3, 2012 at 9:51 pm

The frenzy on the am talk radio this afternoon is made ever so much more delightful by learning it's a hoax. Gary Johnson still has a lot of supporters here who remember
1) he legalized gambling
2) he got liquor sales on Sunday

He tried to legalize pot for a trifecta, but that's two major accomplishments that have earned him some undying love in these parts. Plus many laffs in a Johnson administration.

Mariecohn January 4, 2012 at 6:49 pm

EFR: My husband and I are new to these parts. Well, sorta new. Saw Richardson depart and Cruella make her grand entrance. Aaaanywaaayyyys, just recently discovered that one of my more educated, elitist (or so I thought) compatriots has a huge hard on for Johnson. So, I looked him up. Oh man, if my (D) friends wax nostalgic about him, could they possibly turn to Ye Olde Doctor later in the year? That just completely icks me out.

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Chris Matthews makes an old movie reference….take a drink!

Limeylizzie January 3, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Oh I sort of love that about him, that and the fact that he is crazy about his wife.

Spurning Beer January 3, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Great DirecTV commercial on MSNBC. This caucus business isn't so bad after all.

chascates January 3, 2012 at 9:45 pm

All Hail Pope Cat! He will lead us through the valley of Iowa and into the whatever of New Hampshire.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 9:45 pm

I got shown that video Ken references elsewhere online earlier today, after lightly mocking the High Fructose Corn Syrup State and its' importance in the primaries.

Dashboard Buddha January 3, 2012 at 9:46 pm

A 3-way between Ron Paul and Mittens with santorum in the middle. sounds about right

flamingpdog January 3, 2012 at 10:10 pm

First chicken salad and now a sandwich? What will those clever Iowayans come up with next?

DemonicRage January 3, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Didn't Chris Christie promise to come back to Iowa and show them some Jersey style retaliation if they didn't give the caucus vote to Romney? Could Martin Scorsese photograph Christie wielding the baseball bat as he swats heads?

KenLayIsAlive January 3, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Baseball? I think the only sport Chris Christie gets close to is eating contests.

DustBowlBlues January 3, 2012 at 9:53 pm

The threat might have been stronger if he'd threatened to sit on them.

KenLayIsAlive January 3, 2012 at 10:01 pm

"If the weight don't get 'em, the stench of Santorum will."

Beowoof January 3, 2012 at 10:54 pm

He plans to bring Gandolfini and Little Steven for fun.

Spurning Beer January 3, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Hey, 23-23-23 is the new 9-9-9.

Mojopo January 3, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Iowa, just when I thought electability meant something to you, you went for the oldest clown out of the circus car. YAY YAY YAY.

chascates January 3, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Uh, actually I think people are eating blackeyed peas in Iowa. Or goobers, in honor of Newt Gingrich.

JackObin January 3, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Politics attracts some real idiots, doesn't it?

GregComlish January 3, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Hooray! This changes nothing whatsoever!

BTW, is it too late to switch my registration in MD? I really want vote me some Ron Paul RELOVEUTION

Dudleydidwrong January 3, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Deadline to register for the primary in MD is March 13.
National election registration deadline is October 16.

Join the fun.

lulzmonger January 3, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Oil is sooooooo over-rated … maybe blimps are rich in vitamins?

SO LONG, & THANKS FOR ALL THE STRAW-POLLS.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 3, 2012 at 9:50 pm

This will probably lead to a whole lot of super PAC funded anti-Santorum ads. I. Can't. Wait.

DustBowlBlues January 3, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Okay, I gave MSNBC another chance and there was the moronic former congressman from OK–a mediocre black guy who would have been a Democrat if he weren't mediocre and an opportunist. If David YW Schu says you're welcome, the night is worth it.

chascates January 3, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Is there life after Congress for J.C. Watts?

DustBowlBlues January 3, 2012 at 9:57 pm

I hope not. I don't think he's come back to OK since the day he was elected to the congress. Thanks, dipshit, for nothing. I hate that guy.

Texan_Bulldog January 3, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Apparently not. There's not a lot of use for African Americans in Oklahoma if they don't play football.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 10:03 pm

But he did! Though he was only good enough for the Canadian League; still that is probably how he got elected in Okie.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Romney's currently on top, but has Santorum on his behind.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 3, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Is it too much to ask for some footage of Michele crying while Marcus is bitch slapping her for coming in last?

chascates January 3, 2012 at 10:07 pm

I'd feel better about her if I knew she had some fetus in a jar stored somewhere.

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Just putting this out there: I'd bang Jennifer Granholm silly.

Spurning Beer January 3, 2012 at 10:03 pm

That cheek mole is way hot.

Beowoof January 3, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Oh yeah, she is a politician I could get behind.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Jon "who?" Huntsman is rallying, he's now got 211 votes!

Slim_Pickins January 3, 2012 at 9:54 pm

This is why I'm a registered Republican, so I can encourage the loons during the primaries, and I can tell my state rep "As a Registered Republican, I think that you should…blah, blah,blah…"

fuflans January 3, 2012 at 9:56 pm

so far this is my fav from this evening (thanks nate!):

8:46 P.M. Bachmann In Early Hole.

ShaveTheWhales January 3, 2012 at 10:01 pm

while santorum surges

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Well I don't think Marcus gets in her hole very often.

Barb January 3, 2012 at 10:46 pm

That's fucking sick, Soros.
Oh, thanks for giving me something to sign my Valentines with.

KenLayIsAlive January 3, 2012 at 9:56 pm

"Santorum is people too, my friends."

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Hey…Evan Bayh's on Fox News! Why am I not surprised?!

KenLayIsAlive January 3, 2012 at 9:59 pm

haha. "Hmm. How can I be more of a traitor…"

Texan_Bulldog January 3, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Surprised Harold Ford Jr. (aka Putz) doesn't have a recurring gig over there.

horsedreamer_1 January 3, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Megyn Kelly would not be safe, in the event.

Jukesgrrl January 3, 2012 at 10:35 pm

They must have paid him well to get him to take time out from cashing lobbyists' checks.

ShaveTheWhales January 3, 2012 at 9:59 pm

That is quite a clean and articulate brick row-house.

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Fox News Update:

Looks like Juan Williams has been replaced on the panel by a pretty white lady…

And coming up: Sarah Palin!

ShaveTheWhales January 3, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Oh good, I'm in the mood for a santorum word salad.

UW8316154 January 3, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Who?

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 10:01 pm

OH GOD–MSNBC is saying they may not be able to call this thing until every vote is counted.
How long does it take to count the damn votes anyway?!?

ShaveTheWhales January 3, 2012 at 10:03 pm

And wtf does "call this thing" mean when it's proportional voting this time?

Jukesgrrl January 3, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Don't forget they have to take time out to have their pie.

DustBowlBlues January 3, 2012 at 10:02 pm

I wish Brian Unger would talk. He's so snarky and rueful, like he doesn't take anything too seriously.

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 10:02 pm

DWS on MSNBC, thank GOD…

DustBowlBlues January 3, 2012 at 10:12 pm

DWS?

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 10:45 pm

As in, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, DNC chair. She gave a good reminder of why it's important to go out for Obama this November.

imissopus January 4, 2012 at 12:01 am

I thought this entire caucus clusterfuck was a good reminder.

Biff January 3, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Dancing With Stars?

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Debbie Wasserman Schultz, DNC chair. She gave a good reminder of why it's important to go out for Obama this November.

flamingpdog January 3, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Dildo With Santorum?

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Debbie Wasserman Schultz, DNC chair.
Though your version works too
:-)

HedonismBot January 3, 2012 at 10:33 pm

That's fitting, considering "Dancing With the Stars" will be the obvious next career move for most of these chumps.

DustBowlBlues January 3, 2012 at 10:36 pm

I flunk popular culture most of the time.

smashaduck January 3, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Snow barbie's on fox.

chascates January 3, 2012 at 10:08 pm

I thought she wouldn't dare say anything until the winner was confirmed. That way she can say she knew it all along, etc.

PalinzADummy January 3, 2012 at 11:09 pm

And? What's she saying?

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Sarah Palin is looking more and more like actress Beth Grant.

memzilla January 3, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Or irascible newsroom curmudgeon Lou Grant.

Chichikovovich January 3, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Or the remains of General Grant.

Mojopo January 3, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Gloria Borger thinks Carrie's Mom needs to do some soul searching. "They're all gonna laugh at you!"

DustBowlBlues January 3, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Yay Al. He just said there's more than one primary, including the News Corp primary. How will that go down with KKKarl Rove.

Doktor Zoom January 3, 2012 at 10:05 pm

OK, so now I'm switching from NPR to the stream of MSNBC… there's only so much of that damned brass fanfare I can take…

chascates January 3, 2012 at 10:32 pm

NPR has it too. I keep expecting to hear the clip-clop of the Royal Houseguards about to ride through my living room.

SheriffRoscoe January 3, 2012 at 10:05 pm

293 votes for Huntsman. That is an excellent night for the Chinese restaurant where his supporters are caucusing!

DustBowlBlues January 3, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Old hippie on Current using a Mac. I love this station.

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Fox News Update:
Sarah Palin is not saying anything other than just talking in circles without actually saying anything at all. Blah, blah, defeat Obama….blah, blah, all the candidates are great…blah blah…Brett Baier can't wait to end the interview.

There's some money well spent, Ailes.

chascates January 3, 2012 at 10:09 pm

I bet Todd is happy he's alone tonight. If, indeed, he is.

HedonismBot January 3, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Have we ever seen Todd and Marcus Bachmann in the same room? I bet they are tonight.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 10:28 pm

I figure Marcus is with Rick Perry, they're consoling each other.

KenLayIsAlive January 3, 2012 at 10:37 pm

With so much consoling to do, it was probably difficult to figure out who gets to play the corn dog.

mavenmaven January 3, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Suggested headlines: Paul vaults over Romney, Santorum piles up caucus members

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 10:08 pm

MSNBC pundits: Perry voters will likely flow with Santorum.

DustBowlBlues January 3, 2012 at 10:08 pm

J.C. is for Gingrich. Perfect. But did the Cur. guy have to mention Watt played football at OU? Right. Politically, we have no reputation to protect, do we?

flamingpdog January 3, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Jesus Christ is for Gingrich? Or did you mean Tebow?

ProgressiveInga January 3, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Rock – 23%
Paper – 23%
Scissors – 23%

ShaveTheWhales January 3, 2012 at 10:11 pm

oops

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Fox News Update: Perry thinks he can still win because he's a moron AND oh, good, Juan's back.

William Kristol doesn't think Perry has any better chance in the S.C. primary and think he should just get out, which probably means the exact opposite will happen.

BarackMyWorld January 4, 2012 at 3:38 am

Holy crap…looks like the Human Dildo was finally right about something!

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Ed Schultz thinks Santorum's a good campaigner; really? It's not just that he lost; he lost big, and not with a scandal, just because everyone in Pennsylvania hated him, and his name had literally been turned into a joke.

smashaduck January 3, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Ed Shultz also thinks people give a flying fuck what he thinks.

Spurning Beer January 3, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Joke: Why did Rick Santorum cross the road?

HedonismBot January 3, 2012 at 10:28 pm

I'll bite. Why?

Biff January 3, 2012 at 10:29 pm

To lay it on the line?

Spurning Beer January 4, 2012 at 8:05 am

The correct answer is, "To end abortion in this country once and for all, and to affirm that marriage is between one man and one woman."

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Al Sharpton: They're running as if the 99% never happened…they're running in an alternate universe
That's as good an explanation for this field of candidates as any I can come up with…

ProgressiveInga January 3, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Alt/Al – "They're the ones who ate the PIE!"

jakegittes January 3, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Megyn's looking like she's working on an eating disorder.

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 10:15 pm

If I were to watch FOX news, I'd certainly lose my appetite.
Hmmm, maybe I should…and drop those last ten pounds…

KenLayIsAlive January 3, 2012 at 10:15 pm

That's just her conscience eating her from the inside.

jakegittes January 3, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Plus, she keeps huffing pepper spray with everything she eats. (Because it's really a vegetable product.)

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 10:16 pm

She probably put on a whopping 10 pounds while she was pregnant.

ShaveTheWhales January 3, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Shoot David Gregory now. Just because.

Spurning Beer January 3, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Dude has a mouth like the Tasmanian Devil.

DerrickWildcat January 3, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Yes, Fox is probably the channel to watch Since Paul is doing well. I bet they are shitting their pants and breaking things.

chascates January 3, 2012 at 10:15 pm

I'm hoping this isn't one of those deals where someone (Shelly?) can ask for a recount. Just heard John Thune on NPR. What a douche.

jakegittes January 3, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Brett Baier: Sioux City is "skewing" towards Santorum.
Sioux City is screwing towards Santorum. Fixed.

DustBowlBlues January 3, 2012 at 10:15 pm

I can't believe no one has said this yet, so I win: Next up, South Carolina, where they will be orgasmic for Santorum.

PalinzADummy January 3, 2012 at 11:16 pm

Not NH? Urk?

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 10:16 pm

The dog is insisting on going for a walk. I'd tell him to relieve himself on the GOP field if we were anywhere near Iowa…

DustBowlBlues January 3, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Crap. I have to go scoop kitty crap. You just reminded me. Thanks a lot.

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Now you know how the reporters in Iowa feel…

Mumbletypeg January 3, 2012 at 10:17 pm

KL: "MSNBC will not call it.. until 'all the votes are counted,' whatever that may mean. So, long night ahead! Or, short night, if you just go do something else like read a book or sleep or take a bath"

Thanks Ken; book is next on my list. I am simultaneously waiting for cookies to bake while completing a video workout and maintaining the fire in the fireplace. As a 99%'er my house is tiny enough to triangulate such multitasks all at once, YES I CAN.

flamingpdog January 3, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Bathroom is next for me. YES I go to the CAN!

LettucePrey January 3, 2012 at 10:19 pm

I have a "friend" who has a problem with Santorum getting all over the place… Does anyone know if Walgreens, RiteAid, or any other of the major drugstores sell any sort of Santorum cleanup kits, or any other product that helps in the cleaning up of Santorum?

KenLayIsAlive January 3, 2012 at 10:23 pm

I'd just get some plastic drop cloths. Makes clean up a breeze.

Biff January 3, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Servicemaster. Just sayin'.

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Fox News Update: Over on Fox Business, Donald Trump is talking to Cavuto….and he's STILL pissed at Bachmann for turning down his debate.

anniegetyerfun January 3, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Like he's EVER let go of a grudge. Pettiest motherfucker alive (and I say this as someone who still hates Josie Hopkins for laughing at me when I tripped in the locker room in 6th grade – fucking bitch).

fuflans January 3, 2012 at 10:20 pm

k.. 'romney – paul – santorum' three way is worst pron ever.

KenLayIsAlive January 3, 2012 at 10:20 pm

People are actually voting for a man who made his children hug a tiny corpse. I just want to make that clear.

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 10:23 pm
KenLayIsAlive January 3, 2012 at 10:30 pm

As much as I hate Rich Lowry AND Alan Colmes, I still managed to enjoy that. Very much. Thank you.

Rich Lowry trying to get all concern troll is just a gas. Really, is there a lower form of human puke than Rich Lowry?

flamingpdog January 3, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Let’s paste in a picture of Rick Santorum, seen today, looking exactly like the French racist “Tin Tin.”

Worst Ronald Raygun haircut knock-off, EVAH.

Doktor Zoom January 3, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Woahh! Woahh!! Snowy libel!

HedonismBot January 3, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Santorum is winning!?!?!? This is dee-LITE-ful!

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Wait, it's Deee-Lite-ful? Are you saying these results mean that a groove is in your hear (oh-oh, Eskimo)? Is that your superdish, your succotash wish?

HedonismBot January 3, 2012 at 10:35 pm

One hit wonder libel!

HedonismBot January 3, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Imagine Stewie Griffin saying those words and clapping his hands with glee, laughing at the delicious absurdity of it all.
But since you suggested it, I had to find that song and put on my dancing shoes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4D1HSL7P98

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Oh, I had to find that song after you accidentally reminded me of it too; and now it'll be stuck in my head all night. That video is so weird; it's 60s nostaligia as filtered through the half-generation between my parents' (the actual hippies) and mine (their children). It made me feel like I was in high school again.

PalinzADummy January 3, 2012 at 11:21 pm

Right now, Mittens is winning by — get this — THIRTEEN VOTES. Santorum in second (or, for your entertainment, Santorum is #2), and Paul, in 3rd place with 21% of the vote (23,737), and 89% of precincts reporting.

ShaveTheWhales January 3, 2012 at 10:24 pm

How did they get to 45% so quick and now it's +1% every half hour? Is this the late-night drunk half of the caucus?

eldswede January 3, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Anybody remember Andy Kaufman, crazed comedian? That's who I finally figured out Santorium reminds me of.

Spurning Beer January 3, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Santorum's face with Bachmann's eyes, maybe.

If Andy were alive today, he would totally be running for the Republican nomination. It's just like wrestling women.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Hey Ricky you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky

Hey, Ricky, I would love to see another race
Like my parents did in sixty-four, the Reps put in their place
Hey Ricky you give me hope when I see your face
In the lead 'cause with you Ricky…

…You'd bring them down Ricky down Ricky down Ricky down Ricky!

Hey Ricky you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind
Hey Ricky
Hey Ricky

Barb January 3, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Oh Ricky, what a pity you don't understand,
Everyone's voting for the father of the Paul, whose name is Rand.

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Who did Andrea Mitchell piss off to have to interview Steve King (R-Crazyland)?

horsedreamer_1 January 3, 2012 at 11:55 pm

No one. It's foreplay, then finger cuffs with her monomaniacal Randroid husband & a monomaniacal racist Congressman. A little r & r for AM.

jakegittes January 3, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Wow. Look at that Faux Spews control room with all the monitors and eggheads sitting around looking at their computers. They must need all those monitors to keep up with all the phones that have been hacked in Great Britain.

ProgressiveInga January 3, 2012 at 10:34 pm

They're watching porn. Like the rest of us.

ttommyunger January 3, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Haven't seen a smile that vapid since last night's "Saul of the Mole Men" Episode featuring Johnny Tambourine.

chascates January 3, 2012 at 10:30 pm

In a desperate attempt to keep going both Bachmann and Perry are skipping New Hampshire for now to go to South Carolina: (LA Times)

Perry plans to open a three-day bus tour at a gun store in Aiken, with stops also set for Duke's Bar-B-Q in Orangeburg, Fat Jack's Grillin' and Chillin' in Walterboro, and Squat & Gobble in Bluffton.

Bachmann's less ambitious schedule includes a house party in Greenville and a Fuddruckers stop in Spartanburg.

PalinzADummy January 3, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Please tell me you made this up.

HalluxValgus January 3, 2012 at 10:31 pm

have we determined how many of Santorum's votes have come from various Duggars? Half?

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 10:32 pm

I enjoyed how Lawrence O'Donnell made fun of Sen. Thune for endorsing Romney a few minutes ago after Thune was on, basically saying Thune's going to have a hard time explaining that in 4 years when he runs.

Chillwaver January 3, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Interesting choice of color for Santorum on Faux Newz' Iowa map. http://www.foxnews.com/politics/elections/2012/io

SheriffRoscoe January 3, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Looks more like baby shit.

Chillwaver January 3, 2012 at 10:40 pm

I'm no expert, but it looks more like santorum to me. Besides, it wouldn't be the first time Faux tries to fuck with its audience, would it?

KenLayIsAlive January 3, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Glad they picked the photo of Ron Paul from when they suddenly woke him from his 4pm nap.

Seriously, he looks like Mr. Magoo.

ShaveTheWhales January 3, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Santorum spreads over the Iowa political map.

PalinzADummy January 3, 2012 at 11:25 pm

They've GOTTA be doing it on purpose!

Negropolis January 3, 2012 at 10:38 pm

If there is a god, it will allow Ron Paul to pull this out.

I want chaos, damnit!

fuflans January 3, 2012 at 10:46 pm

chaos is come again.

(sorry – othello just came to mind)

mavenmaven January 3, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Santorum: From Number Two to Number One
Santorum Slides Into First
Romney Slips Up on Santorum…. these headlines just flow, if you know what I mean…

Spurning Beer January 3, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Rick is sure pulling this one out of his ass.

PalinzADummy January 3, 2012 at 11:26 pm

(strikes up the Londonderry Air)

iburl January 3, 2012 at 10:41 pm

"It's a good night for santorum." – MSNBC's Token Republican

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Wish I cared at *all* about the Sugar Bowl right now…am envious of those who root for either Michigan or Virginia Tech at the moment.
Can't turn away…

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Fox News Update: Karl Rove predicting a Romney win with Santorum a very close second, and Paul in third.

Now Mark Sanford is on making some predictions about the South Carolina primary, without actually saying anything except its cheaper to campaign there than in Florida. "Please come campaign in South Carolina!" he basically says. Did the S.C. Chamber of Commerce put him up to this?

KenLayIsAlive January 3, 2012 at 10:44 pm

But who is his pick for President of Argentina?

SayItWithWookies January 3, 2012 at 10:52 pm

I just hope Newt doesn't win, or he'll serve Cristina Kirchener with divorce papers.

KenLayIsAlive January 4, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Those women really should look at the bright side of getting cancer – the fact that they'd never have to fuck that fat slob again.

anniegetyerfun January 3, 2012 at 10:46 pm

If Rove says it, it's true, because he has paid for it to be so.

PalinzADummy January 3, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Remember when he said "I have *the* math"?

DustBowlBlues January 3, 2012 at 10:58 pm

I forgot all about him. He was the–ugh–governor? Of New Carolina–wait–South Carolina or, crap, what ever Carolina has the Argentine Trail.

PalinzADummy January 3, 2012 at 11:30 pm

Edited to fix stupid math error.

PalinzADummy January 3, 2012 at 11:29 pm

At this exact moment with 90% of precincts reporting, it's Santorum leading Romney by 99 votes, who leads Paul by about 400 votes.

Biff January 3, 2012 at 11:38 pm

It's a great day in South Carolina, no doubt.

MilwaukeeKent January 3, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Fox News has the three top guys at 30% each, with the other candidates splitting the remaining 25%.

flamingpdog January 3, 2012 at 10:47 pm

They better redo their math – that only adds up to 115%.

subsum January 3, 2012 at 10:43 pm

I'm just glad Newt is fucked. I'm so glad…

PalinzADummy January 3, 2012 at 11:34 pm

At 13% with no ground game, now's the time for him to drop out. Watch Mittens pivot into an immediate attack on Drippy, though.

Biff January 3, 2012 at 11:40 pm

So why the hell did his speech sound so damned victorious? Unsure of the concept of losing, I think.

SayItWithWookies January 3, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Why isn't anybody watching the bottom of this pack? Yeah, there's a Marcus joke in there somewhere, but let's stay focused, people — right now, according to TPM, Other (231 votes) is whuppin' Herman Cain (28 votes) and Buddy Roemer (21 votes). And Jon Huntsman — whom everyone had already written off — is killing it with 324 votes.

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 10:45 pm

I wonder how much ad revenue MSNBC is bringing in tonight…Sheesh, that's a lot of commercial breaks.

fuflans January 3, 2012 at 10:45 pm

i have to go to bed as i may actually try for a job tomorrow but!

rock on santorum!

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Ron Paul is slipping…

anniegetyerfun January 3, 2012 at 10:46 pm

I don't want him to stop! I want it to keep going and going and going!

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 10:57 pm

But he's been replaced by a gushing of Santorum, which is even better.

memzilla January 3, 2012 at 10:47 pm

The sound of Iowa vote tallies… Flip, flap, flop.

WinterOuthouse January 3, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Fuckin' A. "Tin Tin" better watch the corn hole..

flamingpdog January 3, 2012 at 10:47 pm

So, why isn't the lamestream media covering the Democratic caucuses? Liberal media my ass!

Barb January 3, 2012 at 10:48 pm

Palin stated:
Bachmann's "going to be back in the House.. and we're going 2 be thankful for her being there"
Um, she ain't running for re-election, you twat.

flamingpdog January 3, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Every time I start to think a person can't possibly be more ignorant than Rick Perry, Lou Sarah shows up on the scene again.

johnnyzhivago January 3, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Thought for sure they would all go rogue and write in the snobilly…

PalinzADummy January 3, 2012 at 11:35 pm

Hasn't there been some kind of twatter Sarah write-in campaign lately?

UW8316154 January 3, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Santorum smothers Perry

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 10:50 pm

NBC–Paul will be 3rd
Oy vey, the Paultards on HuffyPo will get even worse…hee hee hee…

Limeylizzie January 3, 2012 at 10:52 pm

WTF is with that on Huff Po, I only just noticed that.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Considering that it's the center of convincing parents to kill their children by not vaccinating them, because of discredited conspiracy theories only morons would believe, Huff Po has long established themselves as a place to never visit.

MilwaukeeKent January 3, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Gary Johnson is running away with the Iowa Libertarian Caucus tonight. Weirdly, it's the only place not crawling with Paulites.

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 10:53 pm

So…how long until Michele drops out and endorses Santorum?

Tomorrow? Next week? 5 minutes from now?

ugonnaeatthat January 3, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Why would she do that? She got almost 10 times more votes than the only person in the race who has actually met a foreign leader

flamingpdog January 3, 2012 at 10:55 pm

In a possible stunning upset, the LA Times is reporting that Huntsman is ahead by 86 votes over Other.

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Ad on MSNBC:
"OK! Who gets occasional constipation, diarrhea, constipation or bloating?"
They sure know the impact of the news on the audience…

Jukesgrrl January 3, 2012 at 10:59 pm

I'm rooting for Santorum just for the lulz. My mother said to me drolly this evening, "I'll bet this is the first time in history you and Rick ever wanted the same thing."

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Chris Matthews: Newt has to get revenge…he has to get his manhood back
Too late–it drowned in Santorum

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Ron Paul addressing his supporters
Going on about his wife and a cookbook

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Ron Paul: Let's obey the constitution!
OK, how about we start with the equal protection clause?

PalinzADummy January 3, 2012 at 11:37 pm

No, only some of those parts we like.

trickywicket January 3, 2012 at 11:09 pm

1. Tintin wasn't a racist character.
2. He is Belgian, not French.

NellCote71 January 3, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Sigh. Am I the only one who reads the Wonkette carefully crafted post, is bored, and thus takes the time to click through. Do you realize that Santorum's street address is Creamcup. Srsly. http://donnauscinski.com/PropertyDetailsPage.aspx

smashaduck January 3, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Um. Pretty motherfucking sure you're not allowed to appear at a campaign rally in uniform.

ugonnaeatthat January 3, 2012 at 11:15 pm

and landslide willard roars into a 25 vote lead!

succalina January 3, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Ron Paul just had his Governor Dean moment. Wow, he blathered on about paper money forever, in his old man's voice.

ttommyunger January 3, 2012 at 11:21 pm

People aren't always as dumb as they look; but not in David Gregory's case. He is one sold-out dumb motherfucker who keeps that sly smile on his face to fool you into thinking he knows something you don't. He doesn't.

Biff January 3, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Nice to have Colbert back. He just read the "official" definition of santorum on-air. I guess the cat's out of the bag now, after what–3 years?

horsedreamer_1 January 4, 2012 at 12:22 am

Ten years. SpreadingSantorum.com launched in early '03.

imissopus January 3, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Well, we had a good run.

Limeylizzie January 3, 2012 at 11:58 pm

Rick Perry's daughter has a wall-eye , shame because she is really pretty other than that.

NellCote71 January 4, 2012 at 12:00 am

Damn. Perry is threatening to return to Texas. Thanks soooo much Iowans. See if we Texans ever offer one of our native–or even not so native–sons evah again.

CheeseNPear January 4, 2012 at 1:39 am

I'm sorry, but I am not going to stand by and let comic-book hero Tin Tin be referred to as a "French racist." That is a cheap and completely uncalled for slur.

He is a Belgian racist, and don't you forget it!

LiveToServeYa January 4, 2012 at 9:45 am

'I'm not a Frenchie! I'm a Belgie!'
-Milo Perrier, 'Murder by Death'

mrblifil January 4, 2012 at 2:25 am

This Santorum seems to have come from nowhere.

Egomet_bonmot January 4, 2012 at 11:25 am

Four years ago today Wonkette was ass-deep in paultard jokes. Now not so much.

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