late festivus miracles

Ron Paul Is (Briefly) the Winner of the Iowa Caucus!

Totally like in Fellowship of the King or whatever.Haha, what the hell is going on in Iowa? Ron Paul is winning right now, with 15% of the Iowa Caucus Pie Socials reporting, while the disgustingly frothy Santorum Surge has sprayed all over Mitt Romney’s $25,000 suit. (Don’t worry, Mitt has another dozen $25,000 suits in his limo, and more in the suite, and more probably being flown in on his private jet, probably from Milan.) The people on the cable news swore that Ron Paul could only win if there was a Snowpocalypse, and yet it’s relatively warm and dry in Iowa and he’s still winning. It’s like the Republicans suddenly decided that they’re giving up on America, too. And it’s about time!

What time is it, in Iowa, anyway? Time to learn about life in the President Ron Paul world, that’s what! A world with no foreign oil, which means no petroleum fertilizer and no tractors and no endless miles of semi trucks and choo-choo trains carrying corn syrup and soy fillers to America’s gaping maw. Maybe Iowa can return to Tall Grass Prarie, with bison and stuff! Literally anything would be better than the current Iowa, with its Saudi Arabian-fueled monocultures and high school football games on every radio station. Oh, sorry Iowa, we forgot that an Iowan hipster made a YouTube (with the F-word!) to defend the state! No more Iowa jokes, then … not until exactly four years from now.

Anyway, let’s say it’s “about 8:30 p.m.” in Iowa.

8:30 PM (In Iowa) — There is big excitement, as many cable news personalities are in Iowa, just like four years ago! We have learned (again) about the quaint customs, such as “pie” and “ethanol subsidies.”
8:34 PM — What kind of horrible country is America? It’s the kind of horrible country that would give Wolf Blitzer many hundreds of thousands of dollars of year to say things like this, while other people are trying to talk about the Iowa caucus: “AND … THE .. BLACK EYED PEAS … ARE PERFORMING, DID YOU … CATCH THAT … IN IOWA?”
8:39 PM — Oh noes, the Washington Post twitter media person says Rachel Maddow got HOAXED by … eh, it is too unimportant to repeat, as it involves the name “Gary Johnson.”
8:45 PM — While the networks run the usual loops of fun features they run every four years, such as “How do caucuses work,” Talking Points Memo has posted alleged new results showing Mitt Romney now has a small lead over Santorum and Paul, with 31% of the pies having been eaten in middle school “multipurpose rooms.”
8:47 PM — Here is an article on The Atlantic website called “The Greatness of Ron Paul.” It’s not even by Andrew Sullivan! See these while you can, so you can tell your kids (“Atlas” and “Shrug”) what it was like when Doctor Paul almost nearly won the Iowa caucus in 2012.
8:49 PM — Oh, and if you’re wondering “How do caucuses work,” as so many watching the Iowa caucus would seem to be wondering, based on the constant video news-feature explanations, this is how they work: Sometimes when a man and woman really love each other, they have sex at night. And then there are the people of Iowa, who go to school auditoriums to listen to Ann Romney read off an iPad or whatever, and then everyone has some pie and politely talks about getting that black man out of the White House.
8:54 PM (again, in IOWA TIME) — Only one of the GOP candidates has a tasteful home, this row house in Washington, and this is the same candidate currently at 1% in the Iowa caucus: Jon Huntsman.
9 PM IOWA TIME / 10 PM EASTERN / 7 PM PACIFIC — MSNBC lawn gnome Chuck Todd just said NBC/MSNBC will not call it, not now, not until “all the votes are counted,” whatever that may mean. So, long night ahead! Or, short night, if you just go do something else like read a book or sleep or take a bath or yell at the neighbors.
9:16 PM — We are watching the Des Moines Register video feed, because … we don’t know? It lacks the high comedy of the MSNBC and Fox and CNN clowns. Let’s paste in a picture of Rick Santorum, seen today, looking exactly like the French racist “Tin Tin.”


9:22 PM — And with 46% of the pies now consumed, it’s Romney and Santorum swimming gracefully in a pool of semen at 24% each while Doctor Newsletter is at 22% and Michele Bachmann is deep into next month’s pill prescription already.
9:35 PM — The Ron Paul second surge may still come, as the college counties have yet to report. So, if everybody finished D&D and figured out where to do this caucus thing and didn’t get distracted by “Second Dessert” (pies), then Ron Paul may still come in first place!
9:37 PM — Almost halfway counted, and now it’s Santorum 24.3%, Romney 23.6%, Paul 21.8%.
9:49 PM WHICH IS NEARLY 11 P.M. IN NEW YORK — Shall we have Kirsten Boyd do a liveblog? YES WE SHALL.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. DrunkIrishman

    Iowa Republicans voted for Mike Huckabee. Obviously, they're all children of the corn there.

  2. memzilla

    – The Ballad of Newt Gingrich —

    ♫ ♪ Come and listen to my story 'bout an ass named Newt
    A triple-married whiner, always griftin' for the loot.
    He led all the Rethuglicans in callin' Clinton crude
    While cheatin' on his wife an' doin' things that you'd call lewd.

    Adultery, that is. Blowjobs. Doggie style.

    Well the first thing you know ol' Newt's a millionaire
    Then America said "Newt, now vacate the Speaker's chair."
    He thought, "Doin' lobbyin' is what I oughtta be"
    So he married two more wives and bought a lotta Tiffany.

    Jewels, that is. Whore diamonds. Charge accounts.

    Well, now it's time to say goodbye to Newt and all his kin
    You screwed up this whole country with greed, war, and racism.
    We all hope the Rethuglicans are never majority
    They've made the US Congress an embarrasing parody.

    Of gummint, that is. Koch Brothers. Bought 'em all off.

    Y'all f**k off now, y'hear? ♫ ♪

    1. ThundercatHo

      Very, very nice. I did one a while back for our contractor friend (from WVA) who dug into his own septic line but this is much better.

  3. Crank_Tango

    Looks like they are frothing at the mouth in the browneye state. Sucks to be Gingrich tho, as can be expected.

  4. Mumbletypeg

    Ron Paul poised to capture the brass ring. Will conservatard heads asplode like last weekend's made-in-Chinese fireworks display? or will it be enough just to envision how many Repuglican handlers' necks will wring, in the New Year?

  5. Callyson

    Rachel Maddow speculates that Ron Paul's goal, besides actually winning, is keeping Mittens from getting the nomination…could be an amusing GOP convention this year…

    1. SorosBot

      And Chris Hayes says that, paradoxically, he'll probably actually help Mittens get the nomination; but Paul's an idiot and doesn't realize that.

  6. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, this is good news for the Iranians?

    And the pot smokers?

    Never thought those two would get together.

    1. Crank_Tango

      Reminds me of when I was a young man studying in Paris and the Iran Air office on the Champs Elysées had a big hookah in the window and we thought it was for hash and always got a big kick out of it.

      Which in turn reminds me of my Iranian gf who I last saw in Paris…oh Leila, where are you now, my beautiful evening? (She's in NY). Oh well.

  7. Doktor Zoom

    NPR mentioned that the entrance polls showed that a pretty substantial percentage of people supporting Paul said they were Democrats or Independents voting R for the night

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Stupid liberals! You'd think they could vote for Gingrich. I just can't get enough of that guy.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Hasn't mattered for the last half hour for me. I've been dealing with netflix sign in. Mission not accomplished.

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Based upon the exit poll data I've seen, Romney is doing very well with those making over $100,000 a year. So he has that base to build upon.

  9. Local_Mojo

    Jehovah, the maker of heaven and earth, told Michele and Perry to run. I think it was actually a prank call, or else God has a Wonkettish sense of humor.

  10. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    With all the santorum spraying about, I forgot about lil' Ronnie.

    The little newsletter writer that could!

  11. noodlesalad

    You say you want a reLOVEution, well you know, what the fuck is that?
    You say it's the Constitution, well you know, you're crazier than a loony bat.
    But if you go writing newsletters filled with racial slurs
    All I can tell you is Iowa GOP voters will probably concur.
    Well you know it's going to be, Obama's night.
    Well you know it's going to be, Obama's night.

    1. SorosBot

      Did you see the bit where Cee-Lo changed the lyrics of Imagine from "And no religion, too" to "And all religions true" on one of the New Years Eve shows? Fuck that guy.

      1. noodlesalad

        If all religion is true, then none of it is true. I like Cee-Lo but give me a break, and please spare America from the musings of a Philosophy 101 student because 90% will be pissed that you're equating their old guy in the sky with someone else's, and the other 10% will be pissed about the obvious logical fallacies in the sophomoric argument.

  12. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Interesting aside: I just finished watching Return of the King last night.
    Spoiler alert: The hobbits never kissed like I expected them to.

    1. EatFrankRich

      The frenzy on the am talk radio this afternoon is made ever so much more delightful by learning it's a hoax. Gary Johnson still has a lot of supporters here who remember
      1) he legalized gambling
      2) he got liquor sales on Sunday

      He tried to legalize pot for a trifecta, but that's two major accomplishments that have earned him some undying love in these parts. Plus many laffs in a Johnson administration.

      1. Mariecohn

        EFR: My husband and I are new to these parts. Well, sorta new. Saw Richardson depart and Cruella make her grand entrance. Aaaanywaaayyyys, just recently discovered that one of my more educated, elitist (or so I thought) compatriots has a huge hard on for Johnson. So, I looked him up. Oh man, if my (D) friends wax nostalgic about him, could they possibly turn to Ye Olde Doctor later in the year? That just completely icks me out.

  13. chascates

    All Hail Pope Cat! He will lead us through the valley of Iowa and into the whatever of New Hampshire.

  14. SorosBot

    I got shown that video Ken references elsewhere online earlier today, after lightly mocking the High Fructose Corn Syrup State and its' importance in the primaries.

  15. DemonicRage

    Didn't Chris Christie promise to come back to Iowa and show them some Jersey style retaliation if they didn't give the caucus vote to Romney? Could Martin Scorsese photograph Christie wielding the baseball bat as he swats heads?

  16. Mojopo

    Iowa, just when I thought electability meant something to you, you went for the oldest clown out of the circus car. YAY YAY YAY.

  17. chascates

    Uh, actually I think people are eating blackeyed peas in Iowa. Or goobers, in honor of Newt Gingrich.

  18. GregComlish

    Hooray! This changes nothing whatsoever!

    BTW, is it too late to switch my registration in MD? I really want vote me some Ron Paul RELOVEUTION

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Deadline to register for the primary in MD is March 13.
      National election registration deadline is October 16.

      Join the fun.

  19. lulzmonger

    Oil is sooooooo over-rated … maybe blimps are rich in vitamins?


  20. Monsieur_Grumpe

    This will probably lead to a whole lot of super PAC funded anti-Santorum ads. I. Can't. Wait.

  21. DustBowlBlues

    Okay, I gave MSNBC another chance and there was the moronic former congressman from OK–a mediocre black guy who would have been a Democrat if he weren't mediocre and an opportunist. If David YW Schu says you're welcome, the night is worth it.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        I hope not. I don't think he's come back to OK since the day he was elected to the congress. Thanks, dipshit, for nothing. I hate that guy.

      2. Texan_Bulldog

        Apparently not. There's not a lot of use for African Americans in Oklahoma if they don't play football.

        1. SorosBot

          But he did! Though he was only good enough for the Canadian League; still that is probably how he got elected in Okie.

  22. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Is it too much to ask for some footage of Michele crying while Marcus is bitch slapping her for coming in last?

  23. Slim_Pickins

    This is why I'm a registered Republican, so I can encourage the loons during the primaries, and I can tell my state rep "As a Registered Republican, I think that you should…blah, blah,blah…"

  24. BarackMyWorld

    Fox News Update:

    Looks like Juan Williams has been replaced on the panel by a pretty white lady…

    And coming up: Sarah Palin!

  25. Callyson

    OH GOD–MSNBC is saying they may not be able to call this thing until every vote is counted.
    How long does it take to count the damn votes anyway?!?

  26. DustBowlBlues

    I wish Brian Unger would talk. He's so snarky and rueful, like he doesn't take anything too seriously.

      1. Callyson

        As in, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, DNC chair. She gave a good reminder of why it's important to go out for Obama this November.

      1. Callyson

        Debbie Wasserman Schultz, DNC chair. She gave a good reminder of why it's important to go out for Obama this November.

    1. HedonismBot

      That's fitting, considering "Dancing With the Stars" will be the obvious next career move for most of these chumps.

    1. chascates

      I thought she wouldn't dare say anything until the winner was confirmed. That way she can say she knew it all along, etc.

  27. Mojopo

    Gloria Borger thinks Carrie's Mom needs to do some soul searching. "They're all gonna laugh at you!"

  28. DustBowlBlues

    Yay Al. He just said there's more than one primary, including the News Corp primary. How will that go down with KKKarl Rove.

  29. Doktor Zoom

    OK, so now I'm switching from NPR to the stream of MSNBC… there's only so much of that damned brass fanfare I can take…

    1. chascates

      NPR has it too. I keep expecting to hear the clip-clop of the Royal Houseguards about to ride through my living room.

  30. SheriffRoscoe

    293 votes for Huntsman. That is an excellent night for the Chinese restaurant where his supporters are caucusing!

  31. BarackMyWorld

    Fox News Update:
    Sarah Palin is not saying anything other than just talking in circles without actually saying anything at all. Blah, blah, defeat Obama….blah, blah, all the candidates are great…blah blah…Brett Baier can't wait to end the interview.

    There's some money well spent, Ailes.

  32. DustBowlBlues

    J.C. is for Gingrich. Perfect. But did the Cur. guy have to mention Watt played football at OU? Right. Politically, we have no reputation to protect, do we?

  33. BarackMyWorld

    Fox News Update: Perry thinks he can still win because he's a moron AND oh, good, Juan's back.

    William Kristol doesn't think Perry has any better chance in the S.C. primary and think he should just get out, which probably means the exact opposite will happen.

  34. SorosBot

    Ed Schultz thinks Santorum's a good campaigner; really? It's not just that he lost; he lost big, and not with a scandal, just because everyone in Pennsylvania hated him, and his name had literally been turned into a joke.

  35. Callyson

    Al Sharpton: They're running as if the 99% never happened…they're running in an alternate universe
    That's as good an explanation for this field of candidates as any I can come up with…

    1. Callyson

      If I were to watch FOX news, I'd certainly lose my appetite.
      Hmmm, maybe I should…and drop those last ten pounds…

      1. jakegittes

        Plus, she keeps huffing pepper spray with everything she eats. (Because it's really a vegetable product.)

  36. chascates

    I'm hoping this isn't one of those deals where someone (Shelly?) can ask for a recount. Just heard John Thune on NPR. What a douche.

  37. jakegittes

    Brett Baier: Sioux City is "skewing" towards Santorum.
    Sioux City is screwing towards Santorum. Fixed.

  38. DustBowlBlues

    I can't believe no one has said this yet, so I win: Next up, South Carolina, where they will be orgasmic for Santorum.

  39. Callyson

    The dog is insisting on going for a walk. I'd tell him to relieve himself on the GOP field if we were anywhere near Iowa…

  40. Mumbletypeg

    KL: "MSNBC will not call it.. until 'all the votes are counted,' whatever that may mean. So, long night ahead! Or, short night, if you just go do something else like read a book or sleep or take a bath"

    Thanks Ken; book is next on my list. I am simultaneously waiting for cookies to bake while completing a video workout and maintaining the fire in the fireplace. As a 99%'er my house is tiny enough to triangulate such multitasks all at once, YES I CAN.

  41. LettucePrey

    I have a "friend" who has a problem with Santorum getting all over the place… Does anyone know if Walgreens, RiteAid, or any other of the major drugstores sell any sort of Santorum cleanup kits, or any other product that helps in the cleaning up of Santorum?

  42. BarackMyWorld

    Fox News Update: Over on Fox Business, Donald Trump is talking to Cavuto….and he's STILL pissed at Bachmann for turning down his debate.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Like he's EVER let go of a grudge. Pettiest motherfucker alive (and I say this as someone who still hates Josie Hopkins for laughing at me when I tripped in the locker room in 6th grade – fucking bitch).

      1. KenLayIsAlive

        As much as I hate Rich Lowry AND Alan Colmes, I still managed to enjoy that. Very much. Thank you.

        Rich Lowry trying to get all concern troll is just a gas. Really, is there a lower form of human puke than Rich Lowry?

    1. SorosBot

      Wait, it's Deee-Lite-ful? Are you saying these results mean that a groove is in your hear (oh-oh, Eskimo)? Is that your superdish, your succotash wish?

        1. SorosBot

          Oh, I had to find that song after you accidentally reminded me of it too; and now it'll be stuck in my head all night. That video is so weird; it's 60s nostaligia as filtered through the half-generation between my parents' (the actual hippies) and mine (their children). It made me feel like I was in high school again.

    2. PalinzADummy

      Right now, Mittens is winning by — get this — THIRTEEN VOTES. Santorum in second (or, for your entertainment, Santorum is #2), and Paul, in 3rd place with 21% of the vote (23,737), and 89% of precincts reporting.

  43. ShaveTheWhales

    How did they get to 45% so quick and now it's +1% every half hour? Is this the late-night drunk half of the caucus?

  44. eldswede

    Anybody remember Andy Kaufman, crazed comedian? That's who I finally figured out Santorium reminds me of.

    1. Spurning Beer

      Santorum's face with Bachmann's eyes, maybe.

      If Andy were alive today, he would totally be running for the Republican nomination. It's just like wrestling women.

  45. SorosBot

    Hey Ricky you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind
    Hey Ricky
    Hey Ricky
    Hey Ricky you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind
    Hey Ricky
    Hey Ricky

    Hey, Ricky, I would love to see another race
    Like my parents did in sixty-four, the Reps put in their place
    Hey Ricky you give me hope when I see your face
    In the lead 'cause with you Ricky…

    …You'd bring them down Ricky down Ricky down Ricky down Ricky!

    Hey Ricky you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind
    Hey Ricky
    Hey Ricky
    Hey Ricky you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind
    Hey Ricky
    Hey Ricky

    1. Barb

      Oh Ricky, what a pity you don't understand,
      Everyone's voting for the father of the Paul, whose name is Rand.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      No one. It's foreplay, then finger cuffs with her monomaniacal Randroid husband & a monomaniacal racist Congressman. A little r & r for AM.

  46. jakegittes

    Wow. Look at that Faux Spews control room with all the monitors and eggheads sitting around looking at their computers. They must need all those monitors to keep up with all the phones that have been hacked in Great Britain.

  47. ttommyunger

    Haven't seen a smile that vapid since last night's "Saul of the Mole Men" Episode featuring Johnny Tambourine.

  48. chascates

    In a desperate attempt to keep going both Bachmann and Perry are skipping New Hampshire for now to go to South Carolina: (LA Times)

    Perry plans to open a three-day bus tour at a gun store in Aiken, with stops also set for Duke's Bar-B-Q in Orangeburg, Fat Jack's Grillin' and Chillin' in Walterboro, and Squat & Gobble in Bluffton.

    Bachmann's less ambitious schedule includes a house party in Greenville and a Fuddruckers stop in Spartanburg.

  49. BarackMyWorld

    I enjoyed how Lawrence O'Donnell made fun of Sen. Thune for endorsing Romney a few minutes ago after Thune was on, basically saying Thune's going to have a hard time explaining that in 4 years when he runs.

  50. mavenmaven

    Santorum: From Number Two to Number One
    Santorum Slides Into First
    Romney Slips Up on Santorum…. these headlines just flow, if you know what I mean…

  51. Callyson

    Wish I cared at *all* about the Sugar Bowl right now…am envious of those who root for either Michigan or Virginia Tech at the moment.
    Can't turn away…

  52. BarackMyWorld

    Fox News Update: Karl Rove predicting a Romney win with Santorum a very close second, and Paul in third.

    Now Mark Sanford is on making some predictions about the South Carolina primary, without actually saying anything except its cheaper to campaign there than in Florida. "Please come campaign in South Carolina!" he basically says. Did the S.C. Chamber of Commerce put him up to this?

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I forgot all about him. He was the–ugh–governor? Of New Carolina–wait–South Carolina or, crap, what ever Carolina has the Argentine Trail.

  53. MilwaukeeKent

    Fox News has the three top guys at 30% each, with the other candidates splitting the remaining 25%.

  54. SayItWithWookies

    Why isn't anybody watching the bottom of this pack? Yeah, there's a Marcus joke in there somewhere, but let's stay focused, people — right now, according to TPM, Other (231 votes) is whuppin' Herman Cain (28 votes) and Buddy Roemer (21 votes). And Jon Huntsman — whom everyone had already written off — is killing it with 324 votes.

  55. BarackMyWorld

    I wonder how much ad revenue MSNBC is bringing in tonight…Sheesh, that's a lot of commercial breaks.

  56. Barb

    Palin stated:
    Bachmann's "going to be back in the House.. and we're going 2 be thankful for her being there"
    Um, she ain't running for re-election, you twat.

    1. flamingpdog

      Every time I start to think a person can't possibly be more ignorant than Rick Perry, Lou Sarah shows up on the scene again.

      1. SorosBot

        Considering that it's the center of convincing parents to kill their children by not vaccinating them, because of discredited conspiracy theories only morons would believe, Huff Po has long established themselves as a place to never visit.

  57. MilwaukeeKent

    Gary Johnson is running away with the Iowa Libertarian Caucus tonight. Weirdly, it's the only place not crawling with Paulites.

  58. BarackMyWorld

    So…how long until Michele drops out and endorses Santorum?

    Tomorrow? Next week? 5 minutes from now?

    1. ugonnaeatthat

      Why would she do that? She got almost 10 times more votes than the only person in the race who has actually met a foreign leader

  59. flamingpdog

    In a possible stunning upset, the LA Times is reporting that Huntsman is ahead by 86 votes over Other.

  60. Callyson

    Ad on MSNBC:
    "OK! Who gets occasional constipation, diarrhea, constipation or bloating?"
    They sure know the impact of the news on the audience…

  61. Jukesgrrl

    I'm rooting for Santorum just for the lulz. My mother said to me drolly this evening, "I'll bet this is the first time in history you and Rick ever wanted the same thing."

  62. Callyson

    Chris Matthews: Newt has to get revenge…he has to get his manhood back
    Too late–it drowned in Santorum

  63. succalina

    Ron Paul just had his Governor Dean moment. Wow, he blathered on about paper money forever, in his old man's voice.

  64. ttommyunger

    People aren't always as dumb as they look; but not in David Gregory's case. He is one sold-out dumb motherfucker who keeps that sly smile on his face to fool you into thinking he knows something you don't. He doesn't.

  65. Biff

    Nice to have Colbert back. He just read the "official" definition of santorum on-air. I guess the cat's out of the bag now, after what–3 years?

  66. NellCote71

    Damn. Perry is threatening to return to Texas. Thanks soooo much Iowans. See if we Texans ever offer one of our native–or even not so native–sons evah again.

  67. CheeseNPear

    I'm sorry, but I am not going to stand by and let comic-book hero Tin Tin be referred to as a "French racist." That is a cheap and completely uncalled for slur.

    He is a Belgian racist, and don't you forget it!

Comments are closed.