The latest ploy to draw skepticism (or bizarre, unwanted fandom) to our $99 Million Dollar Man, President Obama, is to suggest that he teleported to Mars during a top-secret CIA mission to explore the planet in the 1980s. According to two guys named Andrew D. Basiago and William Stillings, Obama, then known as one “Barry Soetoro,” joined them and seven other young Americans, including the current director of DARPA, in a project that involved teleporting to the Red Planet through a so-called “jump room.” The claim is apparently serious enough that the White House has taken the time to deny it ever happened to Wired magazine’s Spencer Ackerman.
As “chrononauts,” Obama and friends were able to visit the sometimes quite hot, sometimes very cold planet far more cheaply than the current U.S. budget would allow. Rather believably, the two men claim, the jump room was adjacent to Los Angeles International Airport! Less helpful for the defense is that the program held its classes at a college in the town of Weed, California, very near the spiritual enclave and alleged vortex region Mount Shasta, where the water is said to have healing powers and that type of thing.
Last year, Obama assured us that we, too, could teleport or probably some other less mentally straining form of -port to the planet at some point within the next 20 years, but since then, NASA’s come under budget cuts, so any “space taxi” trips to Mars or elsewhere will likely be done in conjunction with private organizations (Virgin Galactic, to name one). In the meantime: try using your wash closet as a jump room and tell us what happens! [Exopolitics via Wired]
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And Santorum landed on Uranus.
That seems to be completely logical, captain.
To wipe out the Klingons?
But the Federation and Klingons have been allies since the signing of Khitomer Accords; there's even Klingon officers in Starfleet these days.
Santorum is a dish best not served.
. . . in a frothy splash-down.
That explains the rash.
That jump room, though, is in a stall in the Minneapolis Airport Men's Room.
Tap your foot three times and say, "There's no place like home."
That would explain the burning sensation.
Actually, he is from Uranus.
That never happened. I know for a fact that this program specifically excludes Kenyans from the jump room.
No, they are not excluded, they just have to stand in the back of the room.
And when he got there he said "let them eat cake!" Then he came back because there were no golf courses.
Chemtrails or GTFO.
Marilyn Monroe was teleprompted there with JFK where they live in wedded bliss enjoying a monogamous relationship.
Marcus Bachmann's "jump room" has a far more sinister purpose.
I was there and we had a great flight. So shut up.
The White House didn't deny Barry was teleprompted to Mars now did they?????
what's in that sack?
Cats.
All of our hopes and dreams?
I dunno, but he shoulda brought a Volkswagen door. Then when it gets hot he could roll down the window.
Maybe rat dicks.
the 2012 election?
Hitler.
All the treasures of Red Mars! I hereby declare Martian Law.
His nuts.
This time I’ve got it. It’s Freedom. He’s bringing freedom to the Martians on account of them being mooslim.
He went with O.J Simpson and James Brolin!
here's the guy:
http://timetraveler.ytmnd.com/
Well there's 20 minutes or so, maybe a bit more, that I'll never get back.
You watched it that long? Man, that hairdo alone made me run away in fright.
Scarface soundtrack! Topnotch.
True story: My oldest step-son convinced his younger brother that they had actually traveled to Mars when they were about 11 and 8. This must be where Basiago and Stillings got their idea when they were spying on them.
Your move, Doctor Manhattan.
[snort] Good one.
They’re so cute when they’re fucking stupid.
and i will not miss an opportunity to remind mr. hope and change that we were promised jetpacks.
not teleports.
I thought you were kidding with that town's name, but it exists… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weed,_California
Ya gotta get out of LA moar.
Here's a conundrum for ya.
I love Weed!
http://www.zazzle.com/i_love_weed_california_tshirt-2355...
That's a smokin' t-shirt.
Somebody had to say it!
Nice little town. Was in the Army with a guy from there, though. He was an asshole.
ogodogodogodogodogodogodogod!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So Kenya is on Mars?
Well, I for one totally believe every word of this. In fact, I can't wait to run and share it with the wingtards on my local "news" site! The Kenyan/Muslin/ birth-certificate stuff is getting a little tireworn, even for them.
Was Elvis there? What kind of atmosphere does it have? Do they play addictive, pop-music constantly?
“Simply put, your task is to be seen and not eaten,” an elder chrononaut, retired Army Maj. Ed Dames, is alleged to have told a young Obama.
Actually, that's good advice for dealing with the Republicans…run with it, Mr President!
Now, you'll have to pardon me. I have to photoshop more pictures of Dead Bin Laden and email them to fly-over country republican senators.
Must check out this 'Weed, California' and see if it is inhabited by kind bud(dies).
I think one of Snoopie's brothers lives in Weed. It's one of those towns that you'll miss if you blink while driving by, or at least it was the last time I drove through/by (25 years ago?).
"the White House has taken the time to deny it ever happened to Wired magazine’s Spencer Ackerman"
Had I been the WH staffer designated to handle the task of replying to Mr Ackerman's query, I think it would have been something along the lines of "Whaddayoo, some kinda fucking nutcase!?"
Their informant was a mysterious shape-changer named J'onn J'onzz
Undoubtedly looking for even more illegal aliens to take our jobs.
I think the only town in California better-named than Weed is Rough And Ready. Oh yeah!
There's always Needles.
Which we refer to as Needless.
While Pennsylvania just has Intercourse, Blue Ball, Beaver and Big Beaver.
And, of course, Indiana.
Sounds legit to me! But I'm a complete fucking idiot that will believe anything so… consider that too.
So did Obama meet with the spiders from Mars when he went there?
Well, he WAS the nazz, with god-given ass. There's really no dispute there.
Ziggy Obama has a ring to it.
He's going to start wearing an eyepatch, too.
NO. But he was jamming good with Will and Gilly.
*Chuckle.* I love this place.
And yet again, Mr Hopey Changey shows his true colors. Had to go to Male Mars, huh? Couldn't go to the Divine Feminine of Venus. Oh no. Typical male.
Jump rooms in the 1980's? I've read that one, and it didn't end well…
I thought we stopped the teleportation experiments in the 1980s after the incident when the telepod merged Seth Brundle with that fly…
Oh, that's a good one by Charlie.
". . . the White House has taken the time to deny it ever happened to Wired magazine’s Spencer Ackerman."
Ackerman: Is any of that shit true?
WH Staffer: Oh, for fuck's sake.
You know, Obama was always preoccupied with “How to serve humans.”
Was Obama the guy who brought with him the Spiders From Mars?
My wash closet is a jump room! You just need to be properly medicated to use it. I usually just go to the Moon though. I'm getting a bit old for the jump to Mars.
BARSOOM OBAMA!!!!
too bad barry don't play that game. better response would be 'yes the president teleported to mars in the '80s, ju got a problem wit dat?!?! huh punk!'
Nate Silver goes out on a limb:
Why I’d Bet on Santorum (and Against My Model) http://fivethirtyeight.blogs.nytimes.com/
I would rather have an inanimate jar of frothy feces and lube as President of the United States than that fucking asshole.
Of course the Socialist would go to the RED planet.
Today we're all Strangers in a Strange Land.
ONCE UPON a time there was a Martian named Valentine Michael Soetoro…
So THAT's where the birth certificate is.
I saw what you read there…
Pff. How did Obama go to Mars in the 80s when everyone knows he was PRESIDENT OF SOCIALIST KENYA in the 80s?
Barry was 19 years old when he got involved with the CIA's Mars visitation program in 1980. Clearly, he knew he would need the secrets of the Martians to secure the Presidency of Earth.
The jump to Mars obviously occurred some time after the sadly unsuccessful attempt to jump the English Channel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qvk2wNWmB20
This phenomenon has been reported already in "Ghostbusters II":
Here. Just sit back and enjoy.
I rushed to FreeRepublic to see their take on this but it hasn't got there yet. Instead is:
Mexican Grand Warlock predicts Obama loss in 2012
This is all true; in fact, one of Obama's fellow travelers recorded a detailed account of his entire journey. Compelling viewing.
Was there acid involved in this, at any point? They made LSD illegal, at some point, fyi.
You know, it's funny. The last time I jumped to the moon I woke up in a hospital when I got back. The doctor asked me the same question.
I'd give that doctor some credit, actually.
You know…this just might explain how he was able to go back in time to fiddle the birth notices and even the birth certificate. Shit…if you can teleport between planets, how hard could it be to travel in time? In fact, not long before Barry produced his Long Form Birth Certificate, wasn't there a huge power drain on the east coast?? Oh.my.god…he didn't have it all along, he went back in time to create one! Follow the dots people!
I think that picture is a fake. You can't walk around Mars in khakis because you'll get red dirt all over them.
and the white gym shoes.
that is David Allen Grier
so its a funny joke
Was it after Labor Day?
I know…. I wore khaki shorts to the
Grand CanyonRed Planet… whadda freakin' mess.I'm failing to see how this news does anything other than make President Obama infinitely more AWESOME.
DARPA? Isn't that the evil corporate project in Lost?
I thought DARPA and Greg was a pretty good sitcom.
Well, at least we now know where his actual birth certificate is. I'm sure Trump is sending his people to Mars to track it down.
Dang! I was hoping he would go to Mars himself, so we wouldn't have to put up with having him on teevee again! Rats!
It's on Amerika's tortured brow
That Mickey Mouse has grown up a cow
Now the workers have struck for fame
'Cause Lennon's on sale again
See the mice in their million hordes
From Ibiza to the Norfolk Broads
Rule Britannia is out of bounds
To my mother, my dog, and clowns
But the film is a saddening bore
'Cause I wrote it ten times or more
It's about to be writ again
As I ask you to focus on
Sailors fighting in the dance hall
Oh man! Look at those cavemen go
It's the freakiest show
Take a look at the Lawman
Beating up the wrong guy
Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know
He's in the best selling show
Is there life on Mars?
I would just like to add that Life On Mars is a fine series to watch on DVD. The UK one, not the disappointing American remake. Whoa….maybe Obama's not really President, he's just imagining this after a car accident….
Dark They Were, and Golden-Eyed.
Do these guys have a show on the History Channel, by any chance?
IT WAS ALIENS
And visiting another planet somehow disqualifies him from being President? Bachmann lives on another planet, full time
I want a President who is capable of teleportation! Like it's bad? This is way better than a Michael Bay movie.
Don't laugh, if Barry was a Republican the "I've come back from Mars" line would put him ahead of Romney in Iowa.
Yeah, because Romney's only comeback would be "Oh, yeah? Well I just came back from Kolob." and everyone would be all like "WTF is Kolob?" Seems everyone has heard of Mars, at least.
Andrew D. Basiago and William Stillings
At least William made an effort to cover up his true, moon cheese name: Stilton. But Andrew Basiago? Really, that's just lazy is what that is.
You think maybe his real name is Sam Francisco? See how he reacts to sour milk….
NEEDZ MOAR SQUATCH!!!!1!!!
It only has to be denied due to the fact that we (Americans) are so
naivedumb.The worst part is that with the birthers, Paultards, and other nuts, you just know that someone has to deal with these types of "questions". I am guessing it is a punishment for screwing up.
ZOMG! He's not Kenyan, after all! He's a Time Lord!
If this story were any more Improbable, Barry would have run into Ford, Arthur, Trillian, Zaphod and Marvin up there.
Did you know that
D&D inventor Gary Gygax also invented the game "Warriors of Mars"?
I'm beginning to think that we're all pawns in an elaborate Democratic role-playing game.
Barry is no typical magic negro. He is the SUPER magic negro. He just keeps on magicalling.
Aha! This is just a clever marketing tie-in by Jeff Wayne
(Apologies to any who get that horrid "Forever Autumn" song going though their heads…'cause you're not heeeeeeeeeeere)
Bagomice is now my follwer! Why do I always get the crazy ones,and the fat chicks?Nice Email Bags is that really a 2 liter bottle?Sorry I'm no slacker,but really;I can't help you.Stop stalking me.Your creeping me out.
And back in the '80s, poor Mitt Romney was out in the cold, bankrupting companies and sending jobs overseas… all because he loves America, while Nobama was living the good life on Mars. It figures.
On the plus side, all these conspiracy folks appear to believe Obama is really intelligent, what with planning complex cover ups, traveling between planets, and plotting the destruction of democracy and all.
And coordinating with teh muslinz.
Maybe that whole teleprompter thingy was valid!
Some other headlines from the home page of Exopolitics:
Is Putative President Barack Hussein Obama II Really Bari Shabazz, Fugitive from Justice For 21 Years Following An Auto Accident in Honolulu County, Hawaii on March 12, 1982?
Expert: Prince William is the Antichrist, future king of one world government
Unity consciousness will collapse military-industrial complex
Roger Ailes immediately called the site's proprietor to set up an interview.
This is just some bullshit stunt being pulled by Disney to help promote that new John Carter of Mars movie that's being released in March. http://disney.go.com/johncarter/
Rachel Maddow just that Santorum has "dark" money.
This is just crazy enough to have happened, and it would have been irresponsible of Spencer Ackerman not to have asked.
I know that teleport for sure – it's right next to the car rental return at LAX. I've wandered over several times and on one occassion teleported to Venus – which has one of the best Starbucks – and smoking hot barristas. (with three eyes!)
Lots of fun!
I'm sure I could teleport to the sun if I hung around breathing the air in Weed, California for long enough, too.
Dude, share the shrooms.
I think the White House statement should have been something like, "The White House would like to deny that President Obama travelled to Mars on the dates indicated in those reports," because that would be fun.
Sure, and that was right after I teleported my dick right up Carmen Electra's snatch.
John Carter Of Mars Libel!! Only courtly southern Virginians who fought for the Confederacy get to teleport to Mars!! Just like only white English Lords get to be King Of The Jungle.
What–you guys didn't know this! Sheesh! Scores of people have been doing this for years! A bunch of members of Late Night Shots just tele-ported, or "jump-ported," as LNS members call it, because they always have to come up with their own names for things, during the Christmas break. The LNSers, as they call themselves, frequently jump-port to Mars about four times a year, holding frat parties and keggers on Mars for several days. Then they come back, more insane, irrational, ridiculous and crazy as ever. Jump-porting is also popular with far-right-wing Republicans, NRA members, and abortion protesters.
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