Some Guys: Obama Teleported to Mars With Us

barry in space

The latest ploy to draw skepticism (or bizarre, unwanted fandom) to our $99 Million Dollar Man, President Obama, is to suggest that he teleported to Mars during a top-secret CIA mission to explore the planet in the 1980s. According to two guys named Andrew D. Basiago and William Stillings, Obama, then known as one “Barry Soetoro,” joined them and seven other young Americans, including the current director of DARPA, in a project that involved teleporting to the Red Planet through a so-called “jump room.” The claim is apparently serious enough that the White House has taken the time to deny it ever happened to Wired magazine’s Spencer Ackerman.

As “chrononauts,” Obama and friends were able to visit the sometimes quite hot, sometimes very cold planet far more cheaply than the current U.S. budget would allow. Rather believably, the two men claim, the jump room was adjacent to Los Angeles International Airport! Less helpful for the defense is that the program held its classes at a college in the town of Weed, California, very near the spiritual enclave and alleged vortex region Mount Shasta, where the water is said to have healing powers and that type of thing.

Last year, Obama assured us that we, too, could teleport or probably some other less mentally straining form of -port to the planet at some point within the next 20 years, but since then, NASA’s come under budget cuts, so any “space taxi” trips to Mars or elsewhere will likely be done in conjunction with private organizations (Virgin Galactic, to name one). In the meantime: try using your wash closet as a jump room and tell us what happens! [Exopolitics via Wired]

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Liz is a writer. She has written for this site, evidently, and also The Awl, The San Francisco Chronicle, NPR, The Economist and others. She is the author of a short story collection, Cover Story.

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        1. SorosBot

          But the Federation and Klingons have been allies since the signing of Khitomer Accords; there's even Klingon officers in Starfleet these days.

  1. Harry_S_Truman

    That never happened. I know for a fact that this program specifically excludes Kenyans from the jump room.

  2. Radiotherapy

    And when he got there he said "let them eat cake!" Then he came back because there were no golf courses.

  3. WinterOuthouse

    Marilyn Monroe was teleprompted there with JFK where they live in wedded bliss enjoying a monogamous relationship.

    1. Barrelhse

      I dunno, but he shoulda brought a Volkswagen door. Then when it gets hot he could roll down the window.

    2. WhatTheHeck

      This time I’ve got it. It’s Freedom. He’s bringing freedom to the Martians on account of them being mooslim.

  4. Geminisunmars

    True story: My oldest step-son convinced his younger brother that they had actually traveled to Mars when they were about 11 and 8. This must be where Basiago and Stillings got their idea when they were spying on them.

  5. fuflans

    and i will not miss an opportunity to remind mr. hope and change that we were promised jetpacks.

    not teleports.

  6. MzNicky

    Well, I for one totally believe every word of this. In fact, I can't wait to run and share it with the wingtards on my local "news" site! The Kenyan/Muslin/ birth-certificate stuff is getting a little tireworn, even for them.

  7. chascates

    Was Elvis there? What kind of atmosphere does it have? Do they play addictive, pop-music constantly?

  8. Callyson

    “Simply put, your task is to be seen and not eaten,” an elder chrononaut, retired Army Maj. Ed Dames, is alleged to have told a young Obama.
    Actually, that's good advice for dealing with the Republicans…run with it, Mr President!

  9. Joshua Norton

    Now, you'll have to pardon me. I have to photoshop more pictures of Dead Bin Laden and email them to fly-over country republican senators.

    1. natoslug

      I think one of Snoopie's brothers lives in Weed. It's one of those towns that you'll miss if you blink while driving by, or at least it was the last time I drove through/by (25 years ago?).

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    "the White House has taken the time to deny it ever happened to Wired magazine’s Spencer Ackerman"

    Had I been the WH staffer designated to handle the task of replying to Mr Ackerman's query, I think it would have been something along the lines of "Whaddayoo, some kinda fucking nutcase!?"

  11. MissTaken

    And yet again, Mr Hopey Changey shows his true colors. Had to go to Male Mars, huh? Couldn't go to the Divine Feminine of Venus. Oh no. Typical male.

    1. SorosBot

      I thought we stopped the teleportation experiments in the 1980s after the incident when the telepod merged Seth Brundle with that fly…

  12. Harry_S_Truman

    ". . . the White House has taken the time to deny it ever happened to Wired magazine’s Spencer Ackerman."

    Ackerman: Is any of that shit true?

    WH Staffer: Oh, for fuck's sake.

  13. real_dc_native

    My wash closet is a jump room! You just need to be properly medicated to use it. I usually just go to the Moon though. I'm getting a bit old for the jump to Mars.

  14. scarface99

    too bad barry don't play that game. better response would be 'yes the president teleported to mars in the '80s, ju got a problem wit dat?!?! huh punk!'

  15. Arken

    Pff. How did Obama go to Mars in the 80s when everyone knows he was PRESIDENT OF SOCIALIST KENYA in the 80s?

  16. Spurning Beer

    Barry was 19 years old when he got involved with the CIA's Mars visitation program in 1980. Clearly, he knew he would need the secrets of the Martians to secure the Presidency of Earth.

  17. JustPixelz

    This phenomenon has been reported already in "Ghostbusters II":

    Dr. Peter Venkman: Where did you get your [end of the world] date, Elaine?

    Elaine: I received this information from an alien. As I told my husband, it was in the Paramus Holiday Inn, I was having a drink at the bar, alone, and this alien approached me. He started talking to me. He bought me a drink, and then I think he must have used some kind of a ray or a mind control device because he forced me to follow him to his room and that's where he told me about the end of the world.

    Dr. Peter Venkman: So your alien had a room at the Holiday Inn, Paramus.

    Elaine: It might have been a room on the spacecraft made up to look like a room in the Holiday Inn. I can't be sure about that, Peter.

  18. chascates

    I rushed to FreeRepublic to see their take on this but it hasn't got there yet. Instead is:
    Mexican Grand Warlock predicts Obama loss in 2012

    1. real_dc_native

      You know, it's funny. The last time I jumped to the moon I woke up in a hospital when I got back. The doctor asked me the same question.

  19. Dashboard Buddha

    You know…this just might explain how he was able to go back in time to fiddle the birth notices and even the birth certificate. Shit…if you can teleport between planets, how hard could it be to travel in time? In fact, not long before Barry produced his Long Form Birth Certificate, wasn't there a huge power drain on the east coast??…he didn't have it all along, he went back in time to create one! Follow the dots people!

  20. MissTaken

    I think that picture is a fake. You can't walk around Mars in khakis because you'll get red dirt all over them.

  21. emmelemm

    I'm failing to see how this news does anything other than make President Obama infinitely more AWESOME.

  22. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, at least we now know where his actual birth certificate is. I'm sure Trump is sending his people to Mars to track it down.

    1. miss_grundy

      Dang! I was hoping he would go to Mars himself, so we wouldn't have to put up with having him on teevee again! Rats!

  23. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    It's on Amerika's tortured brow
    That Mickey Mouse has grown up a cow
    Now the workers have struck for fame
    'Cause Lennon's on sale again
    See the mice in their million hordes
    From Ibiza to the Norfolk Broads
    Rule Britannia is out of bounds
    To my mother, my dog, and clowns
    But the film is a saddening bore
    'Cause I wrote it ten times or more
    It's about to be writ again
    As I ask you to focus on

    Sailors fighting in the dance hall
    Oh man! Look at those cavemen go
    It's the freakiest show
    Take a look at the Lawman
    Beating up the wrong guy
    Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know
    He's in the best selling show
    Is there life on Mars?

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I would just like to add that Life On Mars is a fine series to watch on DVD. The UK one, not the disappointing American remake. Whoa….maybe Obama's not really President, he's just imagining this after a car accident….

  24. Slim_Pickins

    And visiting another planet somehow disqualifies him from being President? Bachmann lives on another planet, full time

  25. Mojopo

    I want a President who is capable of teleportation! Like it's bad? This is way better than a Michael Bay movie.

  26. GeorgiaBurning

    Don't laugh, if Barry was a Republican the "I've come back from Mars" line would put him ahead of Romney in Iowa.

    1. Biff

      Yeah, because Romney's only comeback would be "Oh, yeah? Well I just came back from Kolob." and everyone would be all like "WTF is Kolob?" Seems everyone has heard of Mars, at least.

  27. user-of-owls

    Andrew D. Basiago and William Stillings

    At least William made an effort to cover up his true, moon cheese name: Stilton. But Andrew Basiago? Really, that's just lazy is what that is.

  28. glamourdammerung

    The worst part is that with the birthers, Paultards, and other nuts, you just know that someone has to deal with these types of "questions". I am guessing it is a punishment for screwing up.

  29. C_R_Eature

    If this story were any more Improbable, Barry would have run into Ford, Arthur, Trillian, Zaphod and Marvin up there.

  30. JackDempsey1

    Did you know that
    D&D inventor Gary Gygax also invented the game "Warriors of Mars"?

    I'm beginning to think that we're all pawns in an elaborate Democratic role-playing game.

  31. An_Outhouse

    Barry is no typical magic negro. He is the SUPER magic negro. He just keeps on magicalling.

  32. sbj1964

    Bagomice is now my follwer! Why do I always get the crazy ones,and the fat chicks?Nice Email Bags is that really a 2 liter bottle?Sorry I'm no slacker,but really;I can't help you.Stop stalking me.Your creeping me out.

  33. Bluestatelibel

    And back in the '80s, poor Mitt Romney was out in the cold, bankrupting companies and sending jobs overseas… all because he loves America, while Nobama was living the good life on Mars. It figures.

  34. Terry

    On the plus side, all these conspiracy folks appear to believe Obama is really intelligent, what with planning complex cover ups, traveling between planets, and plotting the destruction of democracy and all.

  35. imissopus

    Some other headlines from the home page of Exopolitics:

    Is Putative President Barack Hussein Obama II Really Bari Shabazz, Fugitive from Justice For 21 Years Following An Auto Accident in Honolulu County, Hawaii on March 12, 1982?

    Expert: Prince William is the Antichrist, future king of one world government

    Unity consciousness will collapse military-industrial complex

    Roger Ailes immediately called the site's proprietor to set up an interview.

  36. johnnyzhivago

    I know that teleport for sure – it's right next to the car rental return at LAX. I've wandered over several times and on one occassion teleported to Venus – which has one of the best Starbucks – and smoking hot barristas. (with three eyes!)

    Lots of fun!

  37. Redhead

    I'm sure I could teleport to the sun if I hung around breathing the air in Weed, California for long enough, too.

  38. AddHomonym

    I think the White House statement should have been something like, "The White House would like to deny that President Obama travelled to Mars on the dates indicated in those reports," because that would be fun.

  39. Chet Kincaid

    John Carter Of Mars Libel!! Only courtly southern Virginians who fought for the Confederacy get to teleport to Mars!! Just like only white English Lords get to be King Of The Jungle.

  40. thefrontpage

    What–you guys didn't know this! Sheesh! Scores of people have been doing this for years! A bunch of members of Late Night Shots just tele-ported, or "jump-ported," as LNS members call it, because they always have to come up with their own names for things, during the Christmas break. The LNSers, as they call themselves, frequently jump-port to Mars about four times a year, holding frat parties and keggers on Mars for several days. Then they come back, more insane, irrational, ridiculous and crazy as ever. Jump-porting is also popular with far-right-wing Republicans, NRA members, and abortion protesters.

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