CONSPIRACY THEORIES  7:00 pm January 3, 2012

Some Guys: Obama Teleported to Mars With Us

by Liz Colville

barry in space

The latest ploy to draw skepticism (or bizarre, unwanted fandom) to our $99 Million Dollar Man, President Obama, is to suggest that he teleported to Mars during a top-secret CIA mission to explore the planet in the 1980s. According to two guys named Andrew D. Basiago and William Stillings, Obama, then known as one “Barry Soetoro,” joined them and seven other young Americans, including the current director of DARPA, in a project that involved teleporting to the Red Planet through a so-called “jump room.” The claim is apparently serious enough that the White House has taken the time to deny it ever happened to Wired magazine’s Spencer Ackerman.

As “chrononauts,” Obama and friends were able to visit the sometimes quite hot, sometimes very cold planet far more cheaply than the current U.S. budget would allow. Rather believably, the two men claim, the jump room was adjacent to Los Angeles International Airport! Less helpful for the defense is that the program held its classes at a college in the town of Weed, California, very near the spiritual enclave and alleged vortex region Mount Shasta, where the water is said to have healing powers and that type of thing.

Last year, Obama assured us that we, too, could teleport or probably some other less mentally straining form of -port to the planet at some point within the next 20 years, but since then, NASA’s come under budget cuts, so any “space taxi” trips to Mars or elsewhere will likely be done in conjunction with private organizations (Virgin Galactic, to name one). In the meantime: try using your wash closet as a jump room and tell us what happens! [Exopolitics via Wired]

 
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{ 139 comments }

Barb January 3, 2012 at 7:04 pm

And Santorum landed on Uranus.

bagofmice January 3, 2012 at 7:07 pm

That seems to be completely logical, captain.

Wadisay January 3, 2012 at 8:56 pm

To wipe out the Klingons?

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 9:00 pm

But the Federation and Klingons have been allies since the signing of Khitomer Accords; there's even Klingon officers in Starfleet these days.

iburl January 3, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Santorum is a dish best not served.

Harry_S_Truman January 3, 2012 at 7:26 pm

. . . in a frothy splash-down.

Numbat_Dundee January 3, 2012 at 7:32 pm

That explains the rash.

KenLayIsAlive January 3, 2012 at 7:36 pm

That jump room, though, is in a stall in the Minneapolis Airport Men's Room.

Generation[redacted] January 4, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Tap your foot three times and say, "There's no place like home."

Loaded_Pants January 3, 2012 at 8:10 pm

That would explain the burning sensation.

miss_grundy January 3, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Actually, he is from Uranus.

Harry_S_Truman January 3, 2012 at 7:06 pm

That never happened. I know for a fact that this program specifically excludes Kenyans from the jump room.

outragedcitizen January 4, 2012 at 8:27 am

No, they are not excluded, they just have to stand in the back of the room.

Radiotherapy January 3, 2012 at 7:08 pm

And when he got there he said "let them eat cake!" Then he came back because there were no golf courses.

Crank_Tango January 3, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Chemtrails or GTFO.

WinterOuthouse January 3, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Marilyn Monroe was teleprompted there with JFK where they live in wedded bliss enjoying a monogamous relationship.

sphincterorleaveher January 3, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Marcus Bachmann's "jump room" has a far more sinister purpose.

hollywooddood January 3, 2012 at 7:10 pm

I was there and we had a great flight. So shut up.

weejee January 3, 2012 at 7:12 pm

The White House didn't deny Barry was teleprompted to Mars now did they?????

fuflans January 3, 2012 at 7:13 pm

what's in that sack?

Mort_Sinclair January 3, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Cats.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 3, 2012 at 7:59 pm

All of our hopes and dreams?

Barrelhse January 3, 2012 at 8:06 pm

I dunno, but he shoulda brought a Volkswagen door. Then when it gets hot he could roll down the window.

Sharkey January 3, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Maybe rat dicks.

WhatTheHeck January 3, 2012 at 8:17 pm

the 2012 election?

user-of-owls January 3, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Hitler.

CZL January 3, 2012 at 8:27 pm

All the treasures of Red Mars! I hereby declare Martian Law.

Limeylizzie January 3, 2012 at 8:31 pm

His nuts.

WhatTheHeck January 3, 2012 at 9:05 pm

This time I’ve got it. It’s Freedom. He’s bringing freedom to the Martians on account of them being mooslim.

DerrickWildcat January 3, 2012 at 7:14 pm

He went with O.J Simpson and James Brolin!

fuflans January 3, 2012 at 7:15 pm
user-of-owls January 3, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Well there's 20 minutes or so, maybe a bit more, that I'll never get back.

MzNicky January 3, 2012 at 8:29 pm

You watched it that long? Man, that hairdo alone made me run away in fright.

themcwow January 3, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Scarface soundtrack! Topnotch.

Geminisunmars January 3, 2012 at 7:16 pm

True story: My oldest step-son convinced his younger brother that they had actually traveled to Mars when they were about 11 and 8. This must be where Basiago and Stillings got their idea when they were spying on them.

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Your move, Doctor Manhattan.

emmelemm January 3, 2012 at 7:54 pm

[snort] Good one.

Joshua Norton January 3, 2012 at 7:19 pm

They’re so cute when they’re fucking stupid.

fuflans January 3, 2012 at 7:19 pm

and i will not miss an opportunity to remind mr. hope and change that we were promised jetpacks.

not teleports.

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 7:20 pm

I thought you were kidding with that town's name, but it exists… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weed,_California

weejee January 3, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Ya gotta get out of LA moar.

Biff January 3, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Here's a conundrum for ya.

MissTaken January 3, 2012 at 7:21 pm
PubOption January 3, 2012 at 7:43 pm

That's a smokin' t-shirt.

Somebody had to say it!

Steverino247 January 3, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Nice little town. Was in the Army with a guy from there, though. He was an asshole.

Blueb4sunrise January 3, 2012 at 7:21 pm

ogodogodogodogodogodogodogod!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sue4466 January 3, 2012 at 7:21 pm

So Kenya is on Mars?

MzNicky January 3, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Well, I for one totally believe every word of this. In fact, I can't wait to run and share it with the wingtards on my local "news" site! The Kenyan/Muslin/ birth-certificate stuff is getting a little tireworn, even for them.

chascates January 3, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Was Elvis there? What kind of atmosphere does it have? Do they play addictive, pop-music constantly?

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 7:22 pm

“Simply put, your task is to be seen and not eaten,” an elder chrononaut, retired Army Maj. Ed Dames, is alleged to have told a young Obama.
Actually, that's good advice for dealing with the Republicans…run with it, Mr President!

Joshua Norton January 3, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Now, you'll have to pardon me. I have to photoshop more pictures of Dead Bin Laden and email them to fly-over country republican senators.

chascates January 3, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Must check out this 'Weed, California' and see if it is inhabited by kind bud(dies).

natoslug January 3, 2012 at 7:37 pm

I think one of Snoopie's brothers lives in Weed. It's one of those towns that you'll miss if you blink while driving by, or at least it was the last time I drove through/by (25 years ago?).

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 7:24 pm

"the White House has taken the time to deny it ever happened to Wired magazine’s Spencer Ackerman"

Had I been the WH staffer designated to handle the task of replying to Mr Ackerman's query, I think it would have been something along the lines of "Whaddayoo, some kinda fucking nutcase!?"

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Their informant was a mysterious shape-changer named J'onn J'onzz

BloviateMe January 3, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Undoubtedly looking for even more illegal aliens to take our jobs.

MissTaken January 3, 2012 at 7:29 pm

I think the only town in California better-named than Weed is Rough And Ready. Oh yeah!

Barrelhse January 3, 2012 at 8:02 pm

There's always Needles.

Biff January 3, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Which we refer to as Needless.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 8:06 pm

While Pennsylvania just has Intercourse, Blue Ball, Beaver and Big Beaver.

ShaveTheWhales January 3, 2012 at 8:18 pm

And, of course, Indiana.

KenLayIsAlive January 3, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Sounds legit to me! But I'm a complete fucking idiot that will believe anything so… consider that too.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 7:31 pm

So did Obama meet with the spiders from Mars when he went there?

Doktor Zoom January 3, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Well, he WAS the nazz, with god-given ass. There's really no dispute there.

MrFizzy January 3, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Ziggy Obama has a ring to it.

horsedreamer_1 January 4, 2012 at 7:15 am

He's going to start wearing an eyepatch, too.

PuckStopsHere January 3, 2012 at 8:34 pm

NO. But he was jamming good with Will and Gilly.

C_R_Eature January 3, 2012 at 8:57 pm

*Chuckle.* I love this place.

MissTaken January 3, 2012 at 7:31 pm

And yet again, Mr Hopey Changey shows his true colors. Had to go to Male Mars, huh? Couldn't go to the Divine Feminine of Venus. Oh no. Typical male.

Guppy January 3, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Jump rooms in the 1980's? I've read that one, and it didn't end well…

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 7:39 pm

I thought we stopped the teleportation experiments in the 1980s after the incident when the telepod merged Seth Brundle with that fly…

ShaveTheWhales January 3, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Oh, that's a good one by Charlie.

Harry_S_Truman January 3, 2012 at 7:31 pm

". . . the White House has taken the time to deny it ever happened to Wired magazine’s Spencer Ackerman."

Ackerman: Is any of that shit true?

WH Staffer: Oh, for fuck's sake.

WhatTheHeck January 3, 2012 at 7:32 pm

You know, Obama was always preoccupied with “How to serve humans.”

mavenmaven January 3, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Was Obama the guy who brought with him the Spiders From Mars?

real_dc_native January 3, 2012 at 7:34 pm

My wash closet is a jump room! You just need to be properly medicated to use it. I usually just go to the Moon though. I'm getting a bit old for the jump to Mars.

Doktor Zoom January 3, 2012 at 7:35 pm

BARSOOM OBAMA!!!!

scarface99 January 3, 2012 at 7:37 pm

too bad barry don't play that game. better response would be 'yes the president teleported to mars in the '80s, ju got a problem wit dat?!?! huh punk!'

chascates January 3, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Nate Silver goes out on a limb:
Why I’d Bet on Santorum (and Against My Model)
http://fivethirtyeight.blogs.nytimes.com/

KenLayIsAlive January 3, 2012 at 7:52 pm

I would rather have an inanimate jar of frothy feces and lube as President of the United States than that fucking asshole.

MissTaken January 3, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Of course the Socialist would go to the RED planet.

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Today we're all Strangers in a Strange Land.

Dashboard Buddha January 3, 2012 at 7:51 pm

ONCE UPON a time there was a Martian named Valentine Michael Soetoro…

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 9:06 pm

So THAT's where the birth certificate is.

Steverino247 January 3, 2012 at 8:03 pm

I saw what you read there…

Arken January 3, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Pff. How did Obama go to Mars in the 80s when everyone knows he was PRESIDENT OF SOCIALIST KENYA in the 80s?

Spurning Beer January 3, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Barry was 19 years old when he got involved with the CIA's Mars visitation program in 1980. Clearly, he knew he would need the secrets of the Martians to secure the Presidency of Earth.

Arken January 3, 2012 at 7:44 pm

The jump to Mars obviously occurred some time after the sadly unsuccessful attempt to jump the English Channel.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qvk2wNWmB20

JustPixelz January 3, 2012 at 7:47 pm

This phenomenon has been reported already in "Ghostbusters II":

Dr. Peter Venkman: Where did you get your [end of the world] date, Elaine?

Elaine: I received this information from an alien. As I told my husband, it was in the Paramus Holiday Inn, I was having a drink at the bar, alone, and this alien approached me. He started talking to me. He bought me a drink, and then I think he must have used some kind of a ray or a mind control device because he forced me to follow him to his room and that's where he told me about the end of the world.

Dr. Peter Venkman: So your alien had a room at the Holiday Inn, Paramus.

Elaine: It might have been a room on the spacecraft made up to look like a room in the Holiday Inn. I can't be sure about that, Peter.

BarackMyWorld January 3, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Here. Just sit back and enjoy.

chascates January 3, 2012 at 7:49 pm

I rushed to FreeRepublic to see their take on this but it hasn't got there yet. Instead is:
Mexican Grand Warlock predicts Obama loss in 2012

Mahousu January 3, 2012 at 7:54 pm

This is all true; in fact, one of Obama's fellow travelers recorded a detailed account of his entire journey. Compelling viewing.

Sharkey January 3, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Was there acid involved in this, at any point? They made LSD illegal, at some point, fyi.

real_dc_native January 3, 2012 at 8:59 pm

You know, it's funny. The last time I jumped to the moon I woke up in a hospital when I got back. The doctor asked me the same question.

Sharkey January 5, 2012 at 8:23 pm

I'd give that doctor some credit, actually.

Dashboard Buddha January 3, 2012 at 7:56 pm

You know…this just might explain how he was able to go back in time to fiddle the birth notices and even the birth certificate. Shit…if you can teleport between planets, how hard could it be to travel in time? In fact, not long before Barry produced his Long Form Birth Certificate, wasn't there a huge power drain on the east coast?? Oh.my.god…he didn't have it all along, he went back in time to create one! Follow the dots people!

MissTaken January 3, 2012 at 7:57 pm

I think that picture is a fake. You can't walk around Mars in khakis because you'll get red dirt all over them.

rocktonsam January 3, 2012 at 8:09 pm

and the white gym shoes.

that is David Allen Grier

so its a funny joke

Barrelhse January 3, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Was it after Labor Day?

DaRooster January 3, 2012 at 8:35 pm

I know…. I wore khaki shorts to the Grand Canyon Red Planet… whadda freakin' mess.

emmelemm January 3, 2012 at 7:57 pm

I'm failing to see how this news does anything other than make President Obama infinitely more AWESOME.

Schmannnity January 3, 2012 at 8:03 pm

DARPA? Isn't that the evil corporate project in Lost?

Biff January 3, 2012 at 8:38 pm

I thought DARPA and Greg was a pretty good sitcom.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 3, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Well, at least we now know where his actual birth certificate is. I'm sure Trump is sending his people to Mars to track it down.

miss_grundy January 3, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Dang! I was hoping he would go to Mars himself, so we wouldn't have to put up with having him on teevee again! Rats!

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 3, 2012 at 8:06 pm

It's on Amerika's tortured brow
That Mickey Mouse has grown up a cow
Now the workers have struck for fame
'Cause Lennon's on sale again
See the mice in their million hordes
From Ibiza to the Norfolk Broads
Rule Britannia is out of bounds
To my mother, my dog, and clowns
But the film is a saddening bore
'Cause I wrote it ten times or more
It's about to be writ again
As I ask you to focus on

Sailors fighting in the dance hall
Oh man! Look at those cavemen go
It's the freakiest show
Take a look at the Lawman
Beating up the wrong guy
Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know
He's in the best selling show
Is there life on Mars?

Doktor Zoom January 3, 2012 at 8:09 pm

I would just like to add that Life On Mars is a fine series to watch on DVD. The UK one, not the disappointing American remake. Whoa….maybe Obama's not really President, he's just imagining this after a car accident….

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 3, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Dark They Were, and Golden-Eyed.

C_R_Eature January 3, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Do these guys have a show on the History Channel, by any chance?

IT WAS ALIENS

Slim_Pickins January 3, 2012 at 8:17 pm

And visiting another planet somehow disqualifies him from being President? Bachmann lives on another planet, full time

Mojopo January 3, 2012 at 8:19 pm

I want a President who is capable of teleportation! Like it's bad? This is way better than a Michael Bay movie.

GeorgiaBurning January 3, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Don't laugh, if Barry was a Republican the "I've come back from Mars" line would put him ahead of Romney in Iowa.

Biff January 3, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Yeah, because Romney's only comeback would be "Oh, yeah? Well I just came back from Kolob." and everyone would be all like "WTF is Kolob?" Seems everyone has heard of Mars, at least.

user-of-owls January 3, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Andrew D. Basiago and William Stillings

At least William made an effort to cover up his true, moon cheese name: Stilton. But Andrew Basiago? Really, that's just lazy is what that is.

Doktor Zoom January 3, 2012 at 8:44 pm

You think maybe his real name is Sam Francisco? See how he reacts to sour milk….

ShaveTheWhales January 3, 2012 at 8:24 pm

NEEDZ MOAR SQUATCH!!!!1!!!

DaRooster January 3, 2012 at 8:33 pm

It only has to be denied due to the fact that we (Americans) are so naive dumb.

glamourdammerung January 3, 2012 at 8:40 pm

The worst part is that with the birthers, Paultards, and other nuts, you just know that someone has to deal with these types of "questions". I am guessing it is a punishment for screwing up.

MosesInvests January 3, 2012 at 8:41 pm

ZOMG! He's not Kenyan, after all! He's a Time Lord!

C_R_Eature January 3, 2012 at 8:42 pm

If this story were any more Improbable, Barry would have run into Ford, Arthur, Trillian, Zaphod and Marvin up there.

JackDempsey1 January 3, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Did you know that
D&D inventor Gary Gygax also invented the game "Warriors of Mars"?

I'm beginning to think that we're all pawns in an elaborate Democratic role-playing game.

An_Outhouse January 3, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Barry is no typical magic negro. He is the SUPER magic negro. He just keeps on magicalling.

Doktor Zoom January 3, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Aha! This is just a clever marketing tie-in by Jeff Wayne

(Apologies to any who get that horrid "Forever Autumn" song going though their heads…'cause you're not heeeeeeeeeeere)

sbj1964 January 3, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Bagomice is now my follwer! Why do I always get the crazy ones,and the fat chicks?Nice Email Bags is that really a 2 liter bottle?Sorry I'm no slacker,but really;I can't help you.Stop stalking me.Your creeping me out.

Bluestatelibel January 3, 2012 at 8:58 pm

And back in the '80s, poor Mitt Romney was out in the cold, bankrupting companies and sending jobs overseas… all because he loves America, while Nobama was living the good life on Mars. It figures.

Terry January 3, 2012 at 9:04 pm

On the plus side, all these conspiracy folks appear to believe Obama is really intelligent, what with planning complex cover ups, traveling between planets, and plotting the destruction of democracy and all.

Mojopo January 3, 2012 at 9:07 pm

And coordinating with teh muslinz.

Radiotherapy January 3, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Maybe that whole teleprompter thingy was valid!

imissopus January 3, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Some other headlines from the home page of Exopolitics:

Is Putative President Barack Hussein Obama II Really Bari Shabazz, Fugitive from Justice For 21 Years Following An Auto Accident in Honolulu County, Hawaii on March 12, 1982?

Expert: Prince William is the Antichrist, future king of one world government

Unity consciousness will collapse military-industrial complex

Roger Ailes immediately called the site's proprietor to set up an interview.

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 9:09 pm

This is just some bullshit stunt being pulled by Disney to help promote that new John Carter of Mars movie that's being released in March. http://disney.go.com/johncarter/

Radiotherapy January 3, 2012 at 9:10 pm

Rachel Maddow just that Santorum has "dark" money.

imissopus January 3, 2012 at 9:11 pm

This is just crazy enough to have happened, and it would have been irresponsible of Spencer Ackerman not to have asked.

johnnyzhivago January 3, 2012 at 9:18 pm

I know that teleport for sure – it's right next to the car rental return at LAX. I've wandered over several times and on one occassion teleported to Venus – which has one of the best Starbucks – and smoking hot barristas. (with three eyes!)

Lots of fun!

Redhead January 3, 2012 at 9:20 pm

I'm sure I could teleport to the sun if I hung around breathing the air in Weed, California for long enough, too.

Beowoof January 3, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Dude, share the shrooms.

AddHomonym January 3, 2012 at 10:23 pm

I think the White House statement should have been something like, "The White House would like to deny that President Obama travelled to Mars on the dates indicated in those reports," because that would be fun.

ttommyunger January 3, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Sure, and that was right after I teleported my dick right up Carmen Electra's snatch.

Chet Kincaid January 4, 2012 at 12:18 am

John Carter Of Mars Libel!! Only courtly southern Virginians who fought for the Confederacy get to teleport to Mars!! Just like only white English Lords get to be King Of The Jungle.

thefrontpage January 4, 2012 at 10:58 am

What–you guys didn't know this! Sheesh! Scores of people have been doing this for years! A bunch of members of Late Night Shots just tele-ported, or "jump-ported," as LNS members call it, because they always have to come up with their own names for things, during the Christmas break. The LNSers, as they call themselves, frequently jump-port to Mars about four times a year, holding frat parties and keggers on Mars for several days. Then they come back, more insane, irrational, ridiculous and crazy as ever. Jump-porting is also popular with far-right-wing Republicans, NRA members, and abortion protesters.

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