Do you like to protest against the 1% and also rage against the machine and also find sex partners at the various activist actions? WATCH OUT, and not just for the usual reasons of venereal disease and having some dude never leave your couch. Undercover police are increasingly being given orders to have sexytime with young, sexy activists. Totally legal, at least in England, right now! (So Obama probably already made it “legal” in America, with a “signing statement.”)

The Guardian reports:

Undercover police officers routinely adopted a tactic of “promiscuity” with the blessing of senior commanders, according to a former agent who worked in a secretive unit of the Metropolitan police for four years.

The former undercover policeman claims that sexual relationships with activists were sanctioned for both men and women officers infiltrating anarchist, left-wing and environmental groups. Sex was a tool to help officers blend in, the officer claimed, and was widely used as a technique to glean intelligence.

Must be a super-sexy leftist infiltrator who is sexing the leftists, right? Maybe somebody like Che, or Angela Davis, right? NO NOT RIGHT:

Nice swap-meet mirrored shades and double earrings and sketchy goatee, scumbag.

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  • nounverb911

    Rupert Murdoch is jealous that he didn't think of this first.

  • DaveJ

    Overtime? More like UNDERtime, amirite, fellows?

  • Barb

    "Sex was a tool to help officers blend in…"
    The same thing happens at the Wasilla Jr High School.

  • savethispatient

    This is all James Bond's fault.

  • KathrynSane

    So the government is literally raping us now? Legally? Great.

    • iburl

      Only if you're involved in illegal activity, like giving a shit about the environment.

  • bureaucrap

    "Hey babe, from each according to her ability, to each according to his need! You got the ability, babe, and I got the need!"

    • horsedreamer_1

      Putting the man in Communist Manifesto.

  • bureaucrap

    the government's under-covers agent.

    Someone had to say it. Thank you, I'll be here all week.

    • AlterNewt

      "Try the veal."

      • emmelemm

        Don't forget to tip your waitress!!

        • BarryOPotter

          "Tip her, shaft her — excuse me, Jenkins, but what's so effin' amusing?"

  • MiniMencken

    Last year's news, Wonkette, Jr.! Find evidence of organ harvesting for transplants into 1%-ers or GTFO.

  • Our "special relationship" partners apparently place high reliance on things strangers say to each other during sexytime.

    This must be how the sun came to set on that "empire" thingy.

  • Oh, Kid Rock looks like shit.
    Which is to say, about normal..

  • Well what do you think they mean by undercover?

  • hagajim

    So in England it's OK to get dicked by the bobbies? In America we just get screwed by the cops.

    • Loaded_Pants

      After being pepper-sprayed, no less. Worst foreplay ever.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Dizzie Rascal, M.I.A., & Tinie Tempeh need to update that mid-80s Comptonian chestnut "Bloody Coppers".

  • Callyson

    The one stipulation, according to the officer from the Special Demonstration Squad (SDS), a secret unit formed to prevent violent disorder on the streets of London, was that falling in love was considered highly unprofessional because it might compromise an investigation. He said undercover officers, particularly those infiltrating environmental and leftwing groups, viewed having sex with a large number of partners "as part of the job".
    First the Iowa caucuses, now this. I give up on my species…

  • iburl

    He's the bobby dick that's a sex machine with all the chicks, MARK!

    • AlterNewt

      "They say that dick is a b-a-d mutha…."

      • horsedreamer_1

        Silence, chap!

  • DaRooster

    "It's hard work… but some body's got to do it."

  • x111e7thst

    I used to have fantasies where I was some kind of undercover agent and had lots of sex that actually involved other people. It is nice to see that cops have these fantasies too. It humanizes them.

    • Chichikovovich

      Hey, I've had those fantasies too! Except for the undercover agent part – I don't remember the fantasies involving that.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    No fair. The Cops always have the best drugs, and now they are getting the best hippie tail!

    • Crank_Tango

      "feast your ears on THIS Spin Doctors mix, Mr. Mare!"

      (I know I went out there on that one, but hit me with some upfists if you get it)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Wait, BONO is an undercover cop?!?!?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      That would explain a lot.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Not Bono. Mc Phisto.

  • CliveWarren

    "Squeal like an undercover pig!!!"

  • Chichikovovich

    Look, this is highly misleading. All that false-pretenses-but-otherwise-presumably-consensual forensic boning took place in England, which is one of those immoral socialistic European places. Here the law enforcement professionals are decent folk, who only shoot, taze and brutally beat unarmed, unresisting people including those spreadeagled and held on the ground by several other officers, blast pepper spray at close range down throats and directly into the eyes of unresistant protesters while decked out in more armour than Richard, Coeur de Lion, gather en masse at a courthouse to intimidate the prosecutors of ticket fixing corruption cases, ship innocent citizens of close allies who made the mistake of switching planes at JFK airport off to Syria for months of barbaric torture, and other such morally upright things. Here in America we can be confident that our police will never follow the path of their decadent European counterparts and have sex with subjects of an investigation, except for occasionally, and even then only using toilet plungers.

    • not that Dewey
      • user-of-owls

        Hey, you ok amigo? We ok? I'm guessing the answer is yes, but it never hurts to ask. I was thinking about your comment that I'd never given you my number. I hope you don't feel hurt in any way by that, I just have real big problems with phones generally, they actually stress me out quite a bit. It's the fact that I've always relied on visual cues, you know, the whole 'anxious to please/child of an alcoholic' thing. So I just wanted to make sure you knew that. And in the event that something really does pop up, either way of course, it's not going to take a whole lot of professional-grade sleuthing to track an owl. We're the flagship, dept. has a webpage, photo included! So please feel free at any point to creep all over me. In fact, we could even do the whole FB thing if that was any interest to you! Ok, got to dash…semester's ending with a bang, and not in a cozy sense. But I am truly, truly happy and that's the fucking bee's knees, man! Abrazos.

        • user-of-owls

          Ok, sorry this has to be so brief, but I think I've hit on a solution to some of our problems. I just set this up, so bare bones and all. If it's something you're interested in, send a message to the 'owner' and we can make it a closed loop. One thing though, ok, two: 1) no, you can and will get up; 2) yes, you will do it again. More later today after an afternoon of (political) violence. Abrazos, hermano.

          • user-of-owls

            Morning amigo, just checking in. Replying to me so you can delete yours. No need for it now. Are you holding up? I was a bit confused by a couple of things, like what the "long day and a half" referred to. I'll leave it at that for now, you know how to get in touch. Take care, hermano, te amo.

          • user-of-owls

            Yay! ;)

  • Goonemeritus

    Mark Kennedy seems to be quite a step down from the British 007 tradition. If I were to guess he is only licensed to give you crabs.

    • CthuNHu


      More likely, double-oh-I-have-a-headache.

  • edgydrifter

    Does the pepper-spraying happen pre- or post-coitus?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Most cops find coitus is easier if it is pre-.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      green balloooeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhh.

      • Iam_Who_Iam

        Bonus points for the obscure green balloon reference. Well done Blue.

    • GOPCrusher

      Well, it is a food product.

      • horsedreamer_1

        "Hold on a minute, Caligula! Don't get ahead of yourself".

  • SayItWithWookies

    What the hell constitutes "infiltrating a ring of environmental activists" — signing up, going to the meetings and buying the magazine subscription? Someone better not tell the police chief that said environmental activists publish their meeting minutes on the web or the whole undercover operation will be blown. I mean screwed. I mean ruined. I mean, some cops will have to actually look for criminals, see?

  • mavenmaven

    "infiltrating anarchist, left-wing and environmental groups" infiltrating indeed. They probably leaked this story as a recruitment tool.

  • It's the only reason I joined Green Peace when I was 19.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Why? To have sex with cops?

  • Radiotherapy

    Lucky in England, you don't have to have nice teeth to be sexy.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Isn't this the plot of the latest Guy Ritchie movie? "Get Some More Snatch"?

  • Bluestatelibel

    Those are some tough cops, going up against those dangerous environmental activists. Next thing you know they'll be going up against the local animal welfare society, then onto the plant-a-tree foundation.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Can we see the photos of the women who actually slept with this guy?

  • Police Academy 69 : Occupying the Love Cave

    Law & Order : Special Officers Unit

    Reno 911 : London Pants are Falling Down

  • SenileAgitation

    Good thing America is too sexually repressed to encourage the 5-0 to indulge in boning dissidents for their secrets!

  • BigDumbRedDog

    Ha ha. What these assholes don't know is that they are going to get slapped with paternity suits and be forced to finance the upbringing and fuzzy liberal education of some smelly hippy slacker baby.

    • emmelemm

      To be fair, most babies are smelly – not just the hippy slacker ones.

  • Ah, yes, but what about those extremely devious left-wing activists who are sleeping with the undercover cops in order to give them false information.

  • Sue4466

    Wondered where Sawyer went after he got off that island.

  • The former undercover policeman claims that sexual relationships with activists were sanctioned for both men and women officers infiltrating anarchist, left-wing and environmental groups. Sex was a tool to help officers blend in, the officer claimed, and was widely used as a technique to glean intelligence.

    I forsee a new career for me.

    Ah, yes, but what about those extremely devious left-wing activists who are sleeping with the undercover cops in order to give them false information.

    Followed by an even newer career

  • CrunchyKnee

    That is the poster boy for the Brits cops, you should see the others. Low standard indeed.

  • HarryButtle

    So, this means I can literally fuck the police?

  • Bonghits4Jesus

    Cops must have been infiltrated by Children of God cult ("Flirty Fishing")!

  • chicken_thief

    So Mark sez he got some pussy and we believe him – why? If people are that gullible then I say, "everyone owes me $20".

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Since this is England we're talking about, shouldn't that headline read "dodgy" instead of "sketchy"?

    • jus_wonderin

      Gordon Bennett! Your observation has me chuffed to bits!

  • Beowoof

    Usually you can spot the cops by their wing-tips at the rally.

    • MissTaken

      I don't want to get close enough to Mark's tip to see if it has wings or not.

  • jus_wonderin

    "To protect, or to serve…?"

    • "To protect, or to serve service…?"

      Fixed yer post…

    • horsedreamer_1

      Though lacking a cherry atop, for when I climax I am dispersing much seminal fluid…

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, I call shenanigans on this. As, to my knowledge, it has never been proven that British people have sex.

  • GregComlish

    Are the lady cops authorized to give anal? You can never truly blend in without a little bendin'.

    • This will be Santorum's first act as President.

  • CthuNHu

    Fuck the police!

    I'm Officer Friendly, and I approved this message.

  • MissTaken

    I'm finding this very difficult to masturbate to. Where's LimeyLizzie and her Nazi spy roleplaying when you need it?

  • Neoyorquino

    So, those handcuffs aren't just for business use?

  • ttommyunger

    Jeez, if a dickwad like this can get laid I should have half a chance…..I feel a sudden urge to demonstrate, folks!

  • C'mon now! Our cops show WAY more initiative. They'll fuck hippies whether the hippies like it or not!

  • rickmaci

    Now why don't they have an episode like THAT on Law and Order?

  • Ducksworthy

    I have gleaned most of what little intelligence I have from having sex with women I barely knew, in the biblical sense, of barely.

  • Wonderthing

    And sex continues to win in the "What Makes You Stupid" poll.

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