visions of america

66% of Americans Cannot Even Guess Approximate Population of USA

Americans like these two patriots seem to be getting even dumber!What better occasion than the nation’s first caucus/primary thing of 2012 to remember that Americans are mouth-breathing idiots. The new Vanity Fair/CBS survey of U.S. dumbness has been released, and it proves that two-thirds of this nation’s adults have no idea that the population of the USA is approximately 300 million people. You didn’t even need to be correct, just approximate! You could round off the entire population of New York City, or the whole L.A. metropolitan area, and still be “close enough” for the Vanity Fair pollsters. Anyway, 28% of Americans apparently believe there are a billion of us, while 23% believe there are 500 million of us, and 5% live under the happy delusion that there are only 100 million awful Americans on the planet.

Any other telling replies in this latest survey? Yes: People in this country are at least vaguely aware of how much they’re lacking in the brains department. A full 75% of American adults say they would go back to school if the government paid for higher education. This is not a very Ron Paul-y freedumb type of answer, to be sure, but it may also simply reflect that sad condition of our people. Because whether it’s unemployment and struggle or a miserable job and struggle, it’s clear that 75% of our fellow citizens wish they could be doing something else with their lives, even if that means trying to learn to read at age 47. [Vanity Fair]

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194 comments

    1. Slim_Pickins

      If I am remembering the video correctly they are drunken birthers riding off into the sunset on an ATV. They only swing with immediately family and cousins.

      1. tessiee

        Brandine: I just don't feel right, a-doin' this in front of my parents.
        Cletus: Now, Honey, they's my parents, too.

    2. ChuckieJesus

      NnnnnnnnIdunno. He looks like the kind of guy into eating random Craigslist black dude creampie.

  1. SorosBot

    Well at least it's not like we just had a count of the number of American people that was highly publicized or anything.

    1. hagajim

      I'm thinking more like 200 million idiots and 50 million normal people and the rest (dickholes)

      1. tessiee

        Mercy Dee's House of Beauty, Soul Food Kitchen, and School of Self-Defense

        [yes, this is a real place -- or used to be, anyway; I don't know if it's still in bidness]

  2. donner_froh

    A full 75% of American adults say they would go back to school if the government paid for higher education

    A few years of bong hits, chasing women and sleeping late every day? Yeah I could do that if the G picked up the tab.

    1. chascates

      I went there, took 10 hours (Spainsh I & II) in one semester, goofed off and couldn't take the second half of the semester, already spent the money, and now, rather than simply pay it back, the community college sicked a law firm on me to get the money back.

      I would take another loan to pay off the first one. Maybe I'll try political science this time around.

      1. tessiee

        "goofed off … already spent the money, and now, rather than simply pay it back, the community college sicked a law firm on me to get the money back. … take another loan to pay off the first one. Maybe I'll try political science this time around."

        You should totally go for it; sounds like you're a natural for a career in politics. That, or banking.

    1. MissTaken

      I once heard a tale about some sort of DC place. I think it is a magical land with orange people, like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, but creepier.

      1. SorosBot

        There are rumors of a mysterious land known as Ye Country of the Flyovers, home to a strange and rustic folke of great girth and mulleted hair. In the middle of this land is one miraculously modern city, on the banks of a lake which is said to be quite great, in which a people who more fairly resemble normal folks but manage live in winters that reach temperatures no human can withstand, and spend much of their time crying over losing bears and their cubs.

        1. tessiee

          There is another such land, on the banks of another great lake, where fabled carriages were once made, and now stand idle, rusting in disrepair alongside urban farms, while merchants laugh evilly in their fortresses. The mustangs, cougars, impalas, vipers, and barracudas of the halcyon days no longer roam the plains, living on only in the memories of the people.

          It is said, among those who know such things, that Bear-land and Carriage-land were once greatly loved for their bards, whose songs brought great joy to the peasants, and fame to their villages, but this, too, may be only a legend of Pandora.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      I can testify to that, went to India a couple years ago and they got over 1 billion *normal* size humans but they take up a lot less space than the *average* 'Merkan…I swear the first thing I noticed upon returning to the States was some HUGE monster 16 year old *youth* lumbering thru O'Hare airport at about 300 lbs, about made me want to vomit/ get back on the plane

  3. nounverb911

    "even if that means trying to learn to read at age 47."
    Has Laura finished teaching George to read yet?

      1. poncho_pilot

        methinks it'd be kind of gross if you were. unless, like Mariah Carey, you would "…love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

        1. tessiee

          Not to worry; I'm all about the curves. I agree with whoever it was that said, "Zero isn't a size; it's a cry for help".

  4. EatsBabyDingos

    In 1790, there were 2.4 million free Americans, 600K slaves, 26 Senators and 69 Congresscritters. We now have 313 million Americans, and now need 2600 Senators and 6900 Representatives.

    1. tessiee

      Yes, but thank God at least we're civilized now, and know better than to have slavery… officially.

      1. Rotundo_

        It's become more like indentured servitude, only they don't give you a place to live, at least in the traditional sense. You work 30 hours at WalMart, 10 on the weeked at McDonalds, and 20 at the quickee mart until you collect a bullet and go on to the subterranean horizontal retirement plan, or the corrugated container golden retirement plan (where the kids you knew at Mickey D's let you have a bag of non-bleached leftover quarter pounders when they do trash runs), or the WalMart park under the moonlight mobile home plan (sleep in your car at different WalMart parking lots so you have less chance of getting shot or raped or both). So there isn't official slavery, but plenty of opportunity for being treated as chattel by wealthy folks

        1. PhilippePetain

          I totally had a shop teacher who had a missing finger, a Santa beard, booze breath, and a propensity for hugging the 16 year old girls. He was like a whole cartoon in one person.

  5. edgydrifter

    After cutting out the blacks, browns, yellows, reds, women, homos, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, atheists, Papists, Mormons, eggheads, immigrants, freaks, junkies and those jerks down at the head office, there are only a few thousand real Americans. This is one of those "gotcha" questions.

    1. emmelemm

      Not to mention the sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads…

  6. memzilla

    And yet most of these same people can tell you how many marriages Kim Kardashian has had, what Snooki last wore at the club, and what the top-grossing movie was last week.

    And many of these same people believe that US debt is the biggest problem, that Obama is stealin' their freedoms, that Rethuglicans have a plan for "restoring America" (– yes, to the Gilded Age of 1895), and that Shrub was a good president.

    As Will Rogers said: ‘‘It’s not the things we don’t know that get us into trouble; it’s the things we do know that ain’t so.’’

  7. DerrickWildcat

    I don't think we can know how many people there are in America because some people may live in the woods up in the trees and some people may live in secret underwater towns in big lakes. Also, like if some guy came to my house and counted how many people he saw in it, he might miss my Mom and Sister because they were at the grocery store or at Target. Or they might count me at my house, but then I may go over to Kevin's house and another guy shows up and counts me there too.This probably happens a lot when they try to count people.

  8. Barb

    That's okay, tax season is about to come around and Sarah Palin doesn't know how many children/grandchildren and children who are grandchildren that she has.

    1. Spurning Beer

      USA: It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your children are?

      Wasilla: It's ten o'clock. Do you know how many children you have?

      Rick Perry: It's ten o'clock. Do you know what time it is?

    2. tessiee

      Between pretending that her illegitimate grandchildren from her slutty daughters are actually her children, and pretending she's not a grandmother at all because she thinks that if nobody ever calls her "Grandma", she'll be able to fool everyone into thinking she's not a day over 22, she's kinda painted herself into a corner.

      also, tr!g

        1. tessiee

          The amount of time and effort one spends in thinking up a cutesy, Kre8tiv name for a kid is in directly inverse proportion to the amount of time and effort one spends actually raising said kid.

    3. Loaded_Pants

      Supposedly, Piper's full name is Piper Indie Grace Palin. That's right: P.I.G. Palin.

      What the fuck is wrong with Sarah?

  9. DemonicRage

    OK, now factor in what I heard on NPR this morning about the number of Americans who are obsese and what do you have: a nation of bowling pin shaped people, toppled over, their mouths open, drool coming out of their mouths and the hands working to lift salted potato chips up to those drooling mouths. China, do you want to come and occupy what you already own the mortgage to?

  10. Blueb4sunrise

    The survey was conducted by the What do you think? sidebar.

    I remember that couple, there was an interview. Not flattering. Will Google/YT for it, maybe. Nah, too lazy, fuck it, let someone else do it.

    1. BigDumbRedDog

      I remember them too. It was during the 2008 election, something about Obama being a secret, foreign muslin kenyan terrorist? Either that or it was about the dangers of meth addiction. Or both.

      1. tessiee

        If the Dems had any nutsacks at all, they would run this every hour on the hour on national television.

  11. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Troll at the bridge: How many Americans are there?
    Knight: Real Americans or immigrants?
    Troll: Ummmmm?
    *Screaming is heard as the troll is ejected off the cliff*

    1. tessiee

      The real question in their minds:

      Troll at the bridge: How many Americans are there?
      Knight: African or European?

  12. WhatTheHeck

    The population of the U.S. is made up of Corporations (they are people) and lesser people (made up of idiots, morons and village idiots – the 99%).
    All the others, have been at one time, probed by space aliens and are never included in the census. Thank god I’m included in the latter.

      1. DerrickWildcat

        True story, I took a picture of a giant chicken statue (about 30 feet tall) that's wearing a top hat and a monocle that's standing in front of a local restaurant. I posted said picture on the fancy schmancy snotty Bird Photography group on Flickr. They didn't think it was as funny as I did and banned me.

        1. tessiee

          "I took a picture of a giant chicken statue (about 30 feet tall) that's wearing a top hat and a monocle that's standing in front of a local restaurant. I posted said picture on the fancy schmancy snotty Bird Photography group on Flickr. They didn't think it was as funny as I did and banned me."

          They were probably offended by the eleeeetism of the giant chicken's top hat and monocle.

  13. CapnFatback

    Anyway, 28% of Americans apparently believe there are a billion of us,

    Well, 28% of a billion is just south of 300 million, so what's the problem?

  14. freakishlywrong

    Somewhere betwixt that 28% and that 23% lies the vaunted 26%. These are the ones that erect "Miss me yet?" billboards of Dubya and are glued, nee, addicted to a fake teevee news outlet. (They are also teatards).

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    Fox News graphics department personnel are all high-fiving the shit out of each other right now.

    1. Rotundo_

      One of the sad things about this country is the amount of misinformation generated and the amazing volume of useless information. You may not hear interesting little factoids like what the population of the country is, but tonight there will be endless regurgitation of why Katy and Russell broke up and what the ramifications are for their careers. You actually have to search for pertinent information for survival these days in the crap storm of infotainment we're fed.

    1. tessiee

      ??
      I'm pretty sure the Obama votes were made out of dark matter; the Bush votes were made out of *dumb* matter.

  16. Callyson

    And only 1 in 10 could place Christine Lagarde, the head of the I.M.F. (That’s twice as many as identified her as the 2011 Miss USA, at least. But still.)
    You expect Americans to know something like that? Hotties of International Finance 2012 calendar or GTFO…

  17. JustPixelz

    It's a little unfair to ask that question right after the holidays. I went shopping and it seemed like there were a billion people in the mall, all walking too damn slowly.

    1. tessiee

      I don't mind the people who walk slowly (or for that matter, drive slowly); it's the people who walk/drive slowly *so that nobody can get around them* that incur my disfavor.

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    Everyone probably answered the question "How many castaways on Gilligan's Island?" correctly, though.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Yeah, but you can sing that and get the right answer. It's like those drunk driving videos were the cop has the suspect say the alphabet, but have to tell them not to sing it.

  19. BigDumbRedDog

    I feel like a mouth breathing idiot compared to a lot of the extremely intelligent commenters here on Wonkette, so a story like this once in a while is nice to remind me that I am actually of above average intelligence.

  20. SorosBot

    Probably the most interesting result from the poll was on the religion question. Overall, 12% of the respondents said the world would be be best with no religion; but among Catholics, 15% wanted no religion – more than the full sample, which presumably included the atheists who might be expected to pick that answer.

    1. GOPCrusher

      What was up with all the Catholics Come Home.Org commercials during the football games yesterday?

  21. prommie

    This cherry-picked statistic protrays Amurrica in a dim light, so to speak, but it does not portray an accurate picture. The fact is that an amazing number of people in the US are capable of such sophisticated feats as synthesizing methamphetamine in their kitchen sink, and calculating their profit on a kilo of same based on a street price of $80/gram. Thats pretty impressive stuff. Plus baseball stats, too.

    1. kissawookiee

      Well, NASCAR Skoal Cup or whatever the fuck it is standings are more likely than baseball, but still, point taken.

    2. tessiee

      All sarcasm aside, I read a library book (sorry, I don't remember the title) about a guy who ran an inner-city drug ring, and I was impressed by how organized and efficient he was, e.g.:
      – you cut your product by exactly this much; more than that, and you lose customer goodwill, less than that, and it makes your profit margin drop;
      – your selling territory is here, here, and here; conflict with rival merchants brings unwanted attention from the cops and diverts time and effort that could be used for moving product;
      – in order to minimize problems with law enforcement, you dress this way, drive this kind of car, etc. etc.

      I thought it was interesting in and of itself, but (setting aside the issue of whether drug prohibition creates more problems than it solves) it also made me a bit sad that somebody that smart and hard-working, who could have been successful and accomplished in a real meritocracy, was limited to being successful and accomplished only in a criminal career.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Shit, I saw it happening in 1992. I was a junior taking a senior's English class. After some assignment, the teacher announced that she was disappointed that only 2 students (out of a class of 30) could write a complete sentence in English. Now, these were all students who's first, and only, language was English.

  22. Harry_S_Truman

    That's okay. A whopping 73% think Christian LeGarde is a Right-wing paramilitary organization that protects Rick Warren from groupies.

  23. Mumbletypeg

    Learning to read, Jr., isn't the problem, I fear – - although rates of dyslexia and other LDs' indicate otherwise – - but what we have here (to misquote what's been borrowed to death, I'll aver) is "a failure to retain the bulk of what one has read."

    And that's just operating on the assumption one has correctly interpreted what one has read.

  24. MissTaken

    You laugh, but all 1 billion of those Mericans know exactly how many pennies they needs to buy a Big Mac.

  25. DahBoner

    You know how dumb the Average American is, right?

    Well, 50% of Americans are dumber than average…

    1. tessiee

      Believe it or not, if you go to the youtube video with these two, what they actually say is drastically stupider.

  26. CommieLibunatic

    Wait, what does the body of this post say? I can't read since I stabbed my own eyes out in frustration after seeing the headline.

  27. VinnyThePooh

    I don't needs no edumacation with the queer math and faggy wirds . Just tells me where dem libruls are so I kin shewt 'em.

  28. CommieLibunatic

    I'm embarrassed to report that I got it wrong, too… I thought the number was somewhere around 330 million. Excuse me while I hang my head in shame.

    But a billion? Have these seen what a country with a billion people looks like? (hint: CHINA CHINA CHINA CHINA CHINA)

  29. Steverino247

    Yep, you blew off twelve years of public education only discover it was actually necessary. So, now you want more public education? I've got a better idea: Draft these idiots and give them two years of service in construction battalions somewhere in Afghanistan.

    Yesterday, they were the butt of Wonkette comments. Today, they're the honored dead.

  30. Redhead

    Well hold up now. Do you mean the population with or without all dem illegal brown peoplez stealin mah jerb and spendin mah tax money on their brown people needz like medicine and food and schoolin?

  31. LiveToServeYa

    7 million years we've been evolving intelligence and it turns out to be no goddamned use.

      1. LiveToServeYa

        Oh, sure, we can capture the motion of photons at a shutter speed of 1e-12 secs, but where are the dancing angels on the pin-head? How many can you have without undue discomfort to the bottom-most?

        1. yyyaz

          Who cares about "undue discomfort to the bottom-most?"? As long as 99% are willing to support the top 1% just like here in EWE-ESS Marekkkuh, ANY discomfort is their just due and they will bear it gladly. After all, it is each and everyone of their's birthright to win the lottery and join the Onesies, "temporary" discomfort be damned.

  32. DerrickWildcat

    The picture reminds me of Prefab Sprout's cover art of, "Two Wheels Good."
    It is indeed good, so I should probably listen to it again for the 10 millionth time right now.

  33. owhatever

    I didn't understand the question. Do it mean people here right now? What about those ones on vacation to Ireland and Kansas? Should I include them what died in the past week and ain't been buried yet because the ground is frozen? Do I give a full count for a black or a homosexual or the greezer greeter at WalMart? Just off the top of my head, not including my own family, I'd say about three dozen hundred real Americans and too many of the others that don't own guns or listen to Rush.

  34. tessiee

    "A full 75% of American adults say they would go back to school if the government paid for higher education."

    I, personally, would be very interested to see the Venn Diagram showing how many of these people are opposed to "guvmint giveaways to lazy bums who don't want to work".

  35. Chichikovovich

    begin{wingnut}
    Don't you realize that instead of selling that blood for a few bucks you could have used it along with your own tears, urine, feces and phlegm to make a painting of Jesus with a boner, wearing on his head a baseball hat with beercans attached and tubes to his mouth (in lieu of thorns and vinegar), crucified on a crossed pair of AK-47's while Bush and Cheney applaud? Then you would have received the entire 500 billion budget of the NEA as a grant, plus a one-artist showing at the Smithsonian? See, poor people really are to blame for their situation. Bad choices.
    end{wingnut}

  36. natoslug

    Yeah, yeah, yeah, you fuckers all knew how many USA Americans there are, but can you name them all? I THOUGHT NOT!!! And you all thought you were so smart. Hah!

    Really, how many Americans are there? Too fucking many. Now get off my goddamned lawn.

  37. starfanglednut

    I gotta admit, I didn't know the population of the US. I would have placed it at a higher number. But then, I spent my formative years drinking beer and taking acid.

  38. dadanarchist

    Since a frighteningly large percentage of Americans live in imminent fear of Sharia Law and want to pass laws to make English the official language, I assume that our dumb nation is dramatically overestimating the numbers of Mooslims and Mehicans.

  39. DocChaos

    Sure, there's only 300 Million Americans in the US, but everybody knows there are at least 200 Million illegals who aren't counted, though they are allowed to vote for Demoncrats and collect welfare

  40. Rotundo_

    I still have to wonder at the sampling methodology: I really can't imagine that many ignorant people as an overall percentage of the population, or do I just hang out with smart folk?

  41. Troglodeity

    Thanks for resurrecting that wonderful photo of "Mr. and Mrs. Real Average Toothless, Skoal-Dipping American Riding Their ATV in Front of Their Delapidated Trailer Home in the Mud and Calling Obama a Muslim Terrorist." I'm sure we'll hear a lot more from them in 2012.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      The plasma thing I did only once, in the early 90s. Then I discovered how to earn better money in somewhat healthier fashion, via waitressing >> tips.

  42. Antispandex

    Over 80% of Americans care more about who will win the Super Bowl, then who will be the next President…according to my survey…which has a small margin for error. Anyway, +/- is 80%. Trust me.

  43. fuflans

    i have NO fucking idea what the population of the US america is.

    i can quote you a lot of shakespeare. i can extempore from my mother wit name many members of the current british and french cabinets and german and latvian oppositions. i have an encyclopedic knowledge of 'lord of the rings' and 'dr. who'.

    NO fucking idea what the population of US america is.

  44. Slim_Pickins

    Wait, wait, don't colored folks only count 3/5ths? (I read that in the constipation, somewheres), and mesicans count 0 'cuse of the Alamo? That puts us way under 300 mill.

  45. ttommyunger

    What? 'Merikans are an ignorant, incurious and dull-witted lot? I'm shocked, I tell you, shocked (clutches pearls and swoons onto fainting couch).

Comments are closed.