VISIONS OF AMERICA  11:56 am January 3, 2012

66% of Americans Cannot Even Guess Approximate Population of USA

by Wonkette Jr.

Americans like these two patriots seem to be getting even dumber!What better occasion than the nation’s first caucus/primary thing of 2012 to remember that Americans are mouth-breathing idiots. The new Vanity Fair/CBS survey of U.S. dumbness has been released, and it proves that two-thirds of this nation’s adults have no idea that the population of the USA is approximately 300 million people. You didn’t even need to be correct, just approximate! You could round off the entire population of New York City, or the whole L.A. metropolitan area, and still be “close enough” for the Vanity Fair pollsters. Anyway, 28% of Americans apparently believe there are a billion of us, while 23% believe there are 500 million of us, and 5% live under the happy delusion that there are only 100 million awful Americans on the planet.

Any other telling replies in this latest survey? Yes: People in this country are at least vaguely aware of how much they’re lacking in the brains department. A full 75% of American adults say they would go back to school if the government paid for higher education. This is not a very Ron Paul-y freedumb type of answer, to be sure, but it may also simply reflect that sad condition of our people. Because whether it’s unemployment and struggle or a miserable job and struggle, it’s clear that 75% of our fellow citizens wish they could be doing something else with their lives, even if that means trying to learn to read at age 47. [Vanity Fair]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 194 comments }

Donner, Party of 1 January 3, 2012 at 11:58 am

66%!? Holy Innumeracy, Batman. That's at least half of America!

Smitros January 3, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Nah, dude. It's only, like, a quarter.

Barb January 3, 2012 at 11:59 am

*fingers crossed* I hope that couple in the picture is into swinging.

Harry_S_Truman January 3, 2012 at 12:11 pm

They are. In fact, their entire family is.

JustPixelz January 3, 2012 at 12:16 pm

They are! But think swinging is a kind of dance. No, the other kind of dance. The kind with music. No, not porn music. Oh, nevermind.

Dashboard Buddha January 3, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Are you the lady that ordered the Fried Chicken?
:::boom chicka bow bow:::

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I've always wanted to get it one with Meth-Lab Susan Sarandon.

Barb January 3, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Crack whore Sissy Spacek.

KeepFnThatChicken January 3, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Sean Penn in his most enduring role.

poncho_pilot January 3, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Vincent Price and Harry Dean Stanton's moonshine swilling layabout of a love child.

BigDumbRedDog January 3, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Guys with no teeth can do amazing things in bed.

Barb January 3, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Yes, and that lack of a chin lets him burrow in deeper. (writing that just gave me the hiccups)

Slim_Pickins January 3, 2012 at 12:43 pm

If I am remembering the video correctly they are drunken birthers riding off into the sunset on an ATV. They only swing with immediately family and cousins.

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Brandine: I just don't feel right, a-doin' this in front of my parents.
Cletus: Now, Honey, they's my parents, too.

Loaded_Pants January 3, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Is that a friggin' washing machine out in the yard?

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 1:59 pm

When you say "swinging", do you mean swinging by their tails or swinging by their necks?

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:01 pm

No wonder those people don't believe in evolution.

Fare la Volpe January 3, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Jim and Carol Bumpus are indeed swingers, and so are their spouses.

Give it a minute.

ChuckieJesus January 3, 2012 at 8:01 pm

NnnnnnnnIdunno. He looks like the kind of guy into eating random Craigslist black dude creampie.

C_R_Eature January 3, 2012 at 8:39 pm

Yep. but they pronounces it Swangin'.

Youse gots tew larn the local lingo.

Loaded_Pants January 3, 2012 at 8:48 pm

"We be swangin' & bangin', ya'll!"

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 11:59 am

Well at least it's not like we just had a count of the number of American people that was highly publicized or anything.

MissTaken January 3, 2012 at 12:43 pm

If the Founding Fathers wanted a national census they would have put it in the Constitution!

not that Dewey January 3, 2012 at 2:01 pm

No, silly. That's just to find out how many times you flush the toilet, and whether you have difficulty bathing or getting dressed.

They don't actually keep track of the population or decide how much federal assistance the various red states will receive.

chascates January 3, 2012 at 12:00 pm

150 million idiots, 150 million average people, 2 million politicians.

Radiotherapy January 3, 2012 at 12:21 pm

300,000 (0.1%) scum.

hagajim January 3, 2012 at 1:00 pm

I'm thinking more like 200 million idiots and 50 million normal people and the rest (dickholes)

Papa_Uniform January 3, 2012 at 2:12 pm

That's 152 million idiots, 150 million average people.

Loaded_Pants January 3, 2012 at 5:43 pm

12 million lobbyists.

slowhansolo January 3, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Free education from the government? Sounds, I dunno, redistribute-y…

chascates January 3, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Only if the college you attend is Clown or Barber.

slowhansolo January 3, 2012 at 12:08 pm

"I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way."

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Mercy Dee's House of Beauty, Soul Food Kitchen, and School of Self-Defense

[yes, this is a real place -- or used to be, anyway; I don't know if it's still in bidness]

Loaded_Pants January 3, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Sounds like that would be an awesome place (to me, anyway).

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:05 pm

On the plus side, it's probably cheaper, dollar for dollar, than their usual prison sentence.

donner_froh January 3, 2012 at 12:00 pm

A full 75% of American adults say they would go back to school if the government paid for higher education

A few years of bong hits, chasing women and sleeping late every day? Yeah I could do that if the G picked up the tab.

chascates January 3, 2012 at 12:04 pm

I went there, took 10 hours (Spainsh I & II) in one semester, goofed off and couldn't take the second half of the semester, already spent the money, and now, rather than simply pay it back, the community college sicked a law firm on me to get the money back.

I would take another loan to pay off the first one. Maybe I'll try political science this time around.

James Michael Curley January 3, 2012 at 12:42 pm

How 'bout math?

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:06 pm

"goofed off … already spent the money, and now, rather than simply pay it back, the community college sicked a law firm on me to get the money back. … take another loan to pay off the first one. Maybe I'll try political science this time around."

You should totally go for it; sounds like you're a natural for a career in politics. That, or banking.

slowhansolo January 3, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Don't forget about selling your blood/plasma for beer money!

starfanglednut January 3, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Fluid goes in, fluid goes out, you can't explain it.

nounverb911 January 3, 2012 at 12:01 pm

There are people in places other than NYC and LA?

nedbeaumontjr January 3, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Only for the laughs.

MissTaken January 3, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I once heard a tale about some sort of DC place. I think it is a magical land with orange people, like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, but creepier.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 12:56 pm

There are rumors of a mysterious land known as Ye Country of the Flyovers, home to a strange and rustic folke of great girth and mulleted hair. In the middle of this land is one miraculously modern city, on the banks of a lake which is said to be quite great, in which a people who more fairly resemble normal folks but manage live in winters that reach temperatures no human can withstand, and spend much of their time crying over losing bears and their cubs.

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:11 pm

There is another such land, on the banks of another great lake, where fabled carriages were once made, and now stand idle, rusting in disrepair alongside urban farms, while merchants laugh evilly in their fortresses. The mustangs, cougars, impalas, vipers, and barracudas of the halcyon days no longer roam the plains, living on only in the memories of the people.

It is said, among those who know such things, that Bear-land and Carriage-land were once greatly loved for their bards, whose songs brought great joy to the peasants, and fame to their villages, but this, too, may be only a legend of Pandora.

actor212 January 3, 2012 at 12:48 pm

What's this "L A" of which you speak?

starfanglednut January 3, 2012 at 3:15 pm

*Ahem*, Boston.

GregComlish January 3, 2012 at 4:21 pm

it's called meth country

TeaNuts January 3, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Like the saying goes "5/4ths of Americans ain't good with math."

nounverb911 January 3, 2012 at 12:04 pm

But Ron Paul certainly knows his 3/5ths.

poncho_pilot January 3, 2012 at 4:23 pm

and Rick Perry knows his way around a fifth.

Gratuitous World January 3, 2012 at 12:02 pm

yes, but 90% can locate the Ice Cream Sea on the Candyland board.

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:17 pm

And the ice cream aisle in Wally Mart.

chascates January 3, 2012 at 12:02 pm

This is good news for Nate Silverman.

SexySmurf January 3, 2012 at 12:02 pm

In their (our?) defense, Americans are fat enough to count as a billion people.

Dashboard_Jesus January 4, 2012 at 12:49 am

I can testify to that, went to India a couple years ago and they got over 1 billion *normal* size humans but they take up a lot less space than the *average* 'Merkan…I swear the first thing I noticed upon returning to the States was some HUGE monster 16 year old *youth* lumbering thru O'Hare airport at about 300 lbs, about made me want to vomit/ get back on the plane

nounverb911 January 3, 2012 at 12:03 pm

"even if that means trying to learn to read at age 47."
Has Laura finished teaching George to read yet?

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Puh-lease! If he's 47, I'm a size zero.

poncho_pilot January 3, 2012 at 4:27 pm

methinks it'd be kind of gross if you were. unless, like Mariah Carey, you would "…love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Not to worry; I'm all about the curves. I agree with whoever it was that said, "Zero isn't a size; it's a cry for help".

EatsBabyDingos January 3, 2012 at 12:03 pm

In 1790, there were 2.4 million free Americans, 600K slaves, 26 Senators and 69 Congresscritters. We now have 313 million Americans, and now need 2600 Senators and 6900 Representatives.

shrillharpy January 3, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Don't forget the half a billion or so lobbyists! Woot! Woot!

Mahousu January 3, 2012 at 12:32 pm

We'd also need around 80 million slaves, though. I think we're a bit short.

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Yes, but thank God at least we're civilized now, and know better than to have slavery… officially.

Rotundo_ January 3, 2012 at 5:10 pm

It's become more like indentured servitude, only they don't give you a place to live, at least in the traditional sense. You work 30 hours at WalMart, 10 on the weeked at McDonalds, and 20 at the quickee mart until you collect a bullet and go on to the subterranean horizontal retirement plan, or the corrugated container golden retirement plan (where the kids you knew at Mickey D's let you have a bag of non-bleached leftover quarter pounders when they do trash runs), or the WalMart park under the moonlight mobile home plan (sleep in your car at different WalMart parking lots so you have less chance of getting shot or raped or both). So there isn't official slavery, but plenty of opportunity for being treated as chattel by wealthy folks

donner_froh January 3, 2012 at 12:03 pm

The poll must have included everyone who did the redistricting in Michigan plus all the descendants of Ellbridge Gerry.

PhilippePetain January 3, 2012 at 12:04 pm

To be fair, most Americans only have ten fingers to count them on.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 12:13 pm

However many of our inbred redneck-Americans have an extra one or two.

GOPCrusher January 3, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Which make up for the shop-teacher Americans that are usually missing one or two.

PhilippePetain January 3, 2012 at 2:38 pm

I totally had a shop teacher who had a missing finger, a Santa beard, booze breath, and a propensity for hugging the 16 year old girls. He was like a whole cartoon in one person.

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Although usually not equal to the number of their missing teeth.

edgydrifter January 3, 2012 at 12:05 pm

After cutting out the blacks, browns, yellows, reds, women, homos, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, atheists, Papists, Mormons, eggheads, immigrants, freaks, junkies and those jerks down at the head office, there are only a few thousand real Americans. This is one of those "gotcha" questions.

emmelemm January 3, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Not to mention the sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads…

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Andrea Mitchell? Is that you?

memzilla January 3, 2012 at 12:06 pm

And yet most of these same people can tell you how many marriages Kim Kardashian has had, what Snooki last wore at the club, and what the top-grossing movie was last week.

And many of these same people believe that US debt is the biggest problem, that Obama is stealin' their freedoms, that Rethuglicans have a plan for "restoring America" (– yes, to the Gilded Age of 1895), and that Shrub was a good president.

As Will Rogers said: ‘‘It’s not the things we don’t know that get us into trouble; it’s the things we do know that ain’t so.’’

Slim_Pickins January 3, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I think that it was Mark Twain that said that….

GeorgiaBurning January 3, 2012 at 2:05 pm

I see you've met my relatives in Maryland

Loaded_Pants January 3, 2012 at 5:59 pm

And mine in VA, TN, KS, FL…oh, and CO.

DerrickWildcat January 3, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I don't think we can know how many people there are in America because some people may live in the woods up in the trees and some people may live in secret underwater towns in big lakes. Also, like if some guy came to my house and counted how many people he saw in it, he might miss my Mom and Sister because they were at the grocery store or at Target. Or they might count me at my house, but then I may go over to Kevin's house and another guy shows up and counts me there too.This probably happens a lot when they try to count people.

Ducksworthy January 3, 2012 at 12:08 pm

We're stoopid but we vote. USA! USA!

Loaded_Pants January 3, 2012 at 6:02 pm

"Now where's that votin' box?"

Barb January 3, 2012 at 12:08 pm

That's okay, tax season is about to come around and Sarah Palin doesn't know how many children/grandchildren and children who are grandchildren that she has.

GunToting[Redacted] January 3, 2012 at 12:16 pm

All of them, Katie!

Spurning Beer January 3, 2012 at 1:06 pm

USA: It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your children are?

Wasilla: It's ten o'clock. Do you know how many children you have?

Rick Perry: It's ten o'clock. Do you know what time it is?

AlterNewt January 3, 2012 at 1:48 pm

(Rick Perry looks at watch) "Nope".

Spurning Beer January 3, 2012 at 5:55 pm

"Can't. Oops."

horsedreamer_1 January 3, 2012 at 10:30 pm

RICK PERRY/FLAVA FLAV 2012.

Coldplay can supply the campaign theme.

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Between pretending that her illegitimate grandchildren from her slutty daughters are actually her children, and pretending she's not a grandmother at all because she thinks that if nobody ever calls her "Grandma", she'll be able to fool everyone into thinking she's not a day over 22, she's kinda painted herself into a corner.

also, tr!g

starfanglednut January 3, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I just found out Romney has a kid named Tagg. What is it with these people?!

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 3:29 pm

The amount of time and effort one spends in thinking up a cutesy, Kre8tiv name for a kid is in directly inverse proportion to the amount of time and effort one spends actually raising said kid.

Loaded_Pants January 3, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Supposedly, Piper's full name is Piper Indie Grace Palin. That's right: P.I.G. Palin.

What the fuck is wrong with Sarah?

Harry_S_Truman January 3, 2012 at 12:09 pm

With to without Texas, Ricky?

AlterNewt January 3, 2012 at 12:09 pm

"People are people, my friends."

MosesInvests January 3, 2012 at 12:37 pm

So why should it be that you and I should get along so awfully?

DemonicRage January 3, 2012 at 12:10 pm

OK, now factor in what I heard on NPR this morning about the number of Americans who are obsese and what do you have: a nation of bowling pin shaped people, toppled over, their mouths open, drool coming out of their mouths and the hands working to lift salted potato chips up to those drooling mouths. China, do you want to come and occupy what you already own the mortgage to?

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 12:31 pm

So, like Weebles, but with flat instead of rounded bottoms?

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I was thinking like the people in Wall-e (the movie, I meant, but the store works, too).

Blueb4sunrise January 3, 2012 at 12:10 pm

The survey was conducted by the What do you think? sidebar.

I remember that couple, there was an interview. Not flattering. Will Google/YT for it, maybe. Nah, too lazy, fuck it, let someone else do it.

BigDumbRedDog January 3, 2012 at 12:33 pm

I remember them too. It was during the 2008 election, something about Obama being a secret, foreign muslin kenyan terrorist? Either that or it was about the dangers of meth addiction. Or both.

shrillharpy January 3, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Gawddammit. I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT. Now that accent's gonna be stuck in my head the rest of the DAMN DAY. COME ON, PEEEPUL! Luve me some hangin' in da holler! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BaxECcTjCuw

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:34 pm

"These are simple, rural people. The common clay. You know… Morons." — Blazing Saddles

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:36 pm

If the Dems had any nutsacks at all, they would run this every hour on the hour on national television.

starfanglednut January 3, 2012 at 3:22 pm

No way am I watching that.

James Michael Curley January 3, 2012 at 12:10 pm

You want the number of people or the number of voices I hear?

weejee January 3, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Another pollz post? Is there something going on today?

Monsieur_Grumpe January 3, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Troll at the bridge: How many Americans are there?
Knight: Real Americans or immigrants?
Troll: Ummmmm?
*Screaming is heard as the troll is ejected off the cliff*

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 12:30 pm

And the other troll says "Fifty Seven States!!!"

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:38 pm

The real question in their minds:

Troll at the bridge: How many Americans are there?
Knight: African or European?

WhatTheHeck January 3, 2012 at 12:12 pm

The population of the U.S. is made up of Corporations (they are people) and lesser people (made up of idiots, morons and village idiots – the 99%).
All the others, have been at one time, probed by space aliens and are never included in the census. Thank god I’m included in the latter.

Fred_Wertham_Jr January 3, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Those answers are within an order of magnitude so I assume this was multiple-choice.

DerrickWildcat January 3, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Ever try to count a pen full of Chickens? It's really really hard because they all look alike and they won't stop moving around.

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 12:29 pm

But if you took a picture of them and posted it on your Flicker page, we could count them.

DerrickWildcat January 3, 2012 at 12:57 pm

True story, I took a picture of a giant chicken statue (about 30 feet tall) that's wearing a top hat and a monocle that's standing in front of a local restaurant. I posted said picture on the fancy schmancy snotty Bird Photography group on Flickr. They didn't think it was as funny as I did and banned me.

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Maybe you should have gone with wild rather than domesticated giant fowl.
http://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/1256

DerrickWildcat January 3, 2012 at 1:32 pm

That is pretty cool. A Roadrunner is basically a Chicken with a purpose. They have places to go and they need to get there fast!

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:39 pm

"I took a picture of a giant chicken statue (about 30 feet tall) that's wearing a top hat and a monocle that's standing in front of a local restaurant. I posted said picture on the fancy schmancy snotty Bird Photography group on Flickr. They didn't think it was as funny as I did and banned me."

They were probably offended by the eleeeetism of the giant chicken's top hat and monocle.

DerrickWildcat January 3, 2012 at 3:20 pm

I think you might be right because the chicken also had a fancy white tipped cane.

CapnFatback January 3, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Anyway, 28% of Americans apparently believe there are a billion of us,

Well, 28% of a billion is just south of 300 million, so what's the problem?

freakishlywrong January 3, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Somewhere betwixt that 28% and that 23% lies the vaunted 26%. These are the ones that erect "Miss me yet?" billboards of Dubya and are glued, nee, addicted to a fake teevee news outlet. (They are also teatards).

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Fox News graphics department personnel are all high-fiving the shit out of each other right now.

Rotundo_ January 3, 2012 at 5:20 pm

One of the sad things about this country is the amount of misinformation generated and the amazing volume of useless information. You may not hear interesting little factoids like what the population of the country is, but tonight there will be endless regurgitation of why Katy and Russell broke up and what the ramifications are for their careers. You actually have to search for pertinent information for survival these days in the crap storm of infotainment we're fed.

actor212 January 3, 2012 at 12:21 pm

A billion Americans?

Well, that might explain how Bush could create votes out of thin air! They must be made of dark matter.

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:40 pm

??
I'm pretty sure the Obama votes were made out of dark matter; the Bush votes were made out of *dumb* matter.

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 12:21 pm

And only 1 in 10 could place Christine Lagarde, the head of the I.M.F. (That’s twice as many as identified her as the 2011 Miss USA, at least. But still.)
You expect Americans to know something like that? Hotties of International Finance 2012 calendar or GTFO…

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 12:27 pm

And only 6% know Romney's real first name; two of the fake ones got many more.

JustPixelz January 3, 2012 at 12:22 pm

It's a little unfair to ask that question right after the holidays. I went shopping and it seemed like there were a billion people in the mall, all walking too damn slowly.

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I don't mind the people who walk slowly (or for that matter, drive slowly); it's the people who walk/drive slowly *so that nobody can get around them* that incur my disfavor.

El Pinche_v2 January 3, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Is a billion bigger than a kajillion?

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Everyone probably answered the question "How many castaways on Gilligan's Island?" correctly, though.

El Pinche_v2 January 3, 2012 at 12:28 pm

And naming each whore in the Kardashian family (bonus: include any Jenners).

GOPCrusher January 3, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Yeah, but you can sing that and get the right answer. It's like those drunk driving videos were the cop has the suspect say the alphabet, but have to tell them not to sing it.

LionHeartSoyDog January 3, 2012 at 2:29 pm

All of 'em?

BigDumbRedDog January 3, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I feel like a mouth breathing idiot compared to a lot of the extremely intelligent commenters here on Wonkette, so a story like this once in a while is nice to remind me that I am actually of above average intelligence.

El Pinche_v2 January 3, 2012 at 12:30 pm

me to

Come here a minute January 3, 2012 at 12:27 pm

At least my expensive education got me something — I don't want no more.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Probably the most interesting result from the poll was on the religion question. Overall, 12% of the respondents said the world would be be best with no religion; but among Catholics, 15% wanted no religion – more than the full sample, which presumably included the atheists who might be expected to pick that answer.

jus_wonderin January 3, 2012 at 12:32 pm

"Imagine……"

Ken Layne January 3, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Haha and only half of self-identified evangelicals thought everybody should be Christian. /doing it wrong

GOPCrusher January 3, 2012 at 1:58 pm

What was up with all the Catholics Come Home.Org commercials during the football games yesterday?

dadanarchist January 3, 2012 at 4:22 pm

The Church must be out of money after all the child-fucking lawsuits.

MrFizzy January 3, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I doubt most Americans could estimate the population of their families, nevermind anything else.

prommie January 3, 2012 at 12:37 pm

This cherry-picked statistic protrays Amurrica in a dim light, so to speak, but it does not portray an accurate picture. The fact is that an amazing number of people in the US are capable of such sophisticated feats as synthesizing methamphetamine in their kitchen sink, and calculating their profit on a kilo of same based on a street price of $80/gram. Thats pretty impressive stuff. Plus baseball stats, too.

Buckminster January 3, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Just think, they're doin' their selectin' in Iowa as we speak! Glory be!

kissawookiee January 3, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Well, NASCAR Skoal Cup or whatever the fuck it is standings are more likely than baseball, but still, point taken.

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:49 pm

All sarcasm aside, I read a library book (sorry, I don't remember the title) about a guy who ran an inner-city drug ring, and I was impressed by how organized and efficient he was, e.g.:
– you cut your product by exactly this much; more than that, and you lose customer goodwill, less than that, and it makes your profit margin drop;
– your selling territory is here, here, and here; conflict with rival merchants brings unwanted attention from the cops and diverts time and effort that could be used for moving product;
– in order to minimize problems with law enforcement, you dress this way, drive this kind of car, etc. etc.

I thought it was interesting in and of itself, but (setting aside the issue of whether drug prohibition creates more problems than it solves) it also made me a bit sad that somebody that smart and hard-working, who could have been successful and accomplished in a real meritocracy, was limited to being successful and accomplished only in a criminal career.

Slim_Pickins January 3, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Further evidence that the failure of the US educational system did not happen recently.

Loaded_Pants January 3, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Shit, I saw it happening in 1992. I was a junior taking a senior's English class. After some assignment, the teacher announced that she was disappointed that only 2 students (out of a class of 30) could write a complete sentence in English. Now, these were all students who's first, and only, language was English.

Harry_S_Truman January 3, 2012 at 12:42 pm

That's okay. A whopping 73% think Christian LeGarde is a Right-wing paramilitary organization that protects Rick Warren from groupies.

AlterNewt January 3, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Percents. How do they work?

Mumbletypeg January 3, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Learning to read, Jr., isn't the problem, I fear – - although rates of dyslexia and other LDs' indicate otherwise – - but what we have here (to misquote what's been borrowed to death, I'll aver) is "a failure to retain the bulk of what one has read."

And that's just operating on the assumption one has correctly interpreted what one has read.

mavenmaven January 3, 2012 at 12:42 pm

This is good news for the Fox News team.

MissTaken January 3, 2012 at 12:50 pm

You laugh, but all 1 billion of those Mericans know exactly how many pennies they needs to buy a Big Mac.

ManchuCandidate January 3, 2012 at 12:54 pm

The 3Rs of US America nowlije…

Reading People Magazeen
Ritting insane skreeds on the internets
Rithmatik, outsoursing it to smurter tinted peoplez.

DahBoner January 3, 2012 at 1:18 pm

You know how dumb the Average American is, right?

Well, 50% of Americans are dumber than average…

LettucePrey January 3, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Photo caption contest:

"I hate thinking."
"Me too! Let's have 10 kids!"

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Believe it or not, if you go to the youtube video with these two, what they actually say is drastically stupider.

CommieLibunatic January 3, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Wait, what does the body of this post say? I can't read since I stabbed my own eyes out in frustration after seeing the headline.

VinnyThePooh January 3, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I don't needs no edumacation with the queer math and faggy wirds . Just tells me where dem libruls are so I kin shewt 'em.

CommieLibunatic January 3, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I'm embarrassed to report that I got it wrong, too… I thought the number was somewhere around 330 million. Excuse me while I hang my head in shame.

But a billion? Have these seen what a country with a billion people looks like? (hint: CHINA CHINA CHINA CHINA CHINA)

Steverino247 January 3, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Yep, you blew off twelve years of public education only discover it was actually necessary. So, now you want more public education? I've got a better idea: Draft these idiots and give them two years of service in construction battalions somewhere in Afghanistan.

Yesterday, they were the butt of Wonkette comments. Today, they're the honored dead.

Redhead January 3, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Well hold up now. Do you mean the population with or without all dem illegal brown peoplez stealin mah jerb and spendin mah tax money on their brown people needz like medicine and food and schoolin?

LiveToServeYa January 3, 2012 at 1:48 pm

7 million years we've been evolving intelligence and it turns out to be no goddamned use.

yyyaz January 3, 2012 at 3:22 pm

OTOH, we can now photographically capture the motion of photons at a shutter speed of 1/trillionth secs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtsXgODHMWk

LiveToServeYa January 3, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Oh, sure, we can capture the motion of photons at a shutter speed of 1e-12 secs, but where are the dancing angels on the pin-head? How many can you have without undue discomfort to the bottom-most?

yyyaz January 3, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Who cares about "undue discomfort to the bottom-most?"? As long as 99% are willing to support the top 1% just like here in EWE-ESS Marekkkuh, ANY discomfort is their just due and they will bear it gladly. After all, it is each and everyone of their's birthright to win the lottery and join the Onesies, "temporary" discomfort be damned.

DerrickWildcat January 3, 2012 at 1:51 pm

The picture reminds me of Prefab Sprout's cover art of, "Two Wheels Good."
It is indeed good, so I should probably listen to it again for the 10 millionth time right now.

owhatever January 3, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I didn't understand the question. Do it mean people here right now? What about those ones on vacation to Ireland and Kansas? Should I include them what died in the past week and ain't been buried yet because the ground is frozen? Do I give a full count for a black or a homosexual or the greezer greeter at WalMart? Just off the top of my head, not including my own family, I'd say about three dozen hundred real Americans and too many of the others that don't own guns or listen to Rush.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 2:30 pm

But Rush isn't a real American; they're from Canada!

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:04 pm

"A full 75% of American adults say they would go back to school if the government paid for higher education."

I, personally, would be very interested to see the Venn Diagram showing how many of these people are opposed to "guvmint giveaways to lazy bums who don't want to work".

not that Dewey January 3, 2012 at 2:08 pm

And then those same 75% would see the two concentric circles and think "mmm..donuts"

Chichikovovich January 3, 2012 at 2:06 pm

begin{wingnut}
Don't you realize that instead of selling that blood for a few bucks you could have used it along with your own tears, urine, feces and phlegm to make a painting of Jesus with a boner, wearing on his head a baseball hat with beercans attached and tubes to his mouth (in lieu of thorns and vinegar), crucified on a crossed pair of AK-47's while Bush and Cheney applaud? Then you would have received the entire 500 billion budget of the NEA as a grant, plus a one-artist showing at the Smithsonian? See, poor people really are to blame for their situation. Bad choices.
end{wingnut}

starfanglednut January 3, 2012 at 3:19 pm

We've missed you.

natoslug January 3, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you fuckers all knew how many USA Americans there are, but can you name them all? I THOUGHT NOT!!! And you all thought you were so smart. Hah!

Really, how many Americans are there? Too fucking many. Now get off my goddamned lawn.

not that Dewey January 3, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Great. Now I've got Song for a Future Generation stuck in my head.

Wanna be the first lady of infinity
Wanna be the nicest guy on earth
Let's meet and have a baby now!

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm

I'm not sure exactly how, but this is obviously the fault of too many holidays.

smitallica January 3, 2012 at 2:22 pm

How many people live in America?
In what respect, Charlie?

Negligently_Joe January 3, 2012 at 2:27 pm

66% of Americans Cannot Even Guess Approximate Population of USA

Right, but who even knows how many people that actually adds up to.

stew1 January 3, 2012 at 2:47 pm

She can do better. Not much, but some.

starfanglednut January 3, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I gotta admit, I didn't know the population of the US. I would have placed it at a higher number. But then, I spent my formative years drinking beer and taking acid.

dadanarchist January 3, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Since a frighteningly large percentage of Americans live in imminent fear of Sharia Law and want to pass laws to make English the official language, I assume that our dumb nation is dramatically overestimating the numbers of Mooslims and Mehicans.

DocChaos January 3, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Sure, there's only 300 Million Americans in the US, but everybody knows there are at least 200 Million illegals who aren't counted, though they are allowed to vote for Demoncrats and collect welfare

Rotundo_ January 3, 2012 at 5:33 pm

I still have to wonder at the sampling methodology: I really can't imagine that many ignorant people as an overall percentage of the population, or do I just hang out with smart folk?

southrnbelle100 January 3, 2012 at 5:54 pm

313 million.

Americans are stupid?

Where to you think Republicans come from?

Troglodeity January 3, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Thanks for resurrecting that wonderful photo of "Mr. and Mrs. Real Average Toothless, Skoal-Dipping American Riding Their ATV in Front of Their Delapidated Trailer Home in the Mud and Calling Obama a Muslim Terrorist." I'm sure we'll hear a lot more from them in 2012.

donner_froh January 3, 2012 at 6:20 pm

I had to lie about my weight in order to get in & get bled.

It must have been a sad day when National Plasma Centers discovered the scale.

Mumbletypeg January 4, 2012 at 5:10 pm

The plasma thing I did only once, in the early 90s. Then I discovered how to earn better money in somewhat healthier fashion, via waitressing >> tips.

Antispandex January 3, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Over 80% of Americans care more about who will win the Super Bowl, then who will be the next President…according to my survey…which has a small margin for error. Anyway, +/- is 80%. Trust me.

rocktonsam January 3, 2012 at 6:26 pm

I don't care what the population is as long as those two in the picture don't add to it.

Loaded_Pants January 3, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Trust me, the odds are good that they have.

fuflans January 3, 2012 at 9:13 pm

i have NO fucking idea what the population of the US america is.

i can quote you a lot of shakespeare. i can extempore from my mother wit name many members of the current british and french cabinets and german and latvian oppositions. i have an encyclopedic knowledge of 'lord of the rings' and 'dr. who'.

NO fucking idea what the population of US america is.

Slim_Pickins January 3, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Wait, wait, don't colored folks only count 3/5ths? (I read that in the constipation, somewheres), and mesicans count 0 'cuse of the Alamo? That puts us way under 300 mill.

ttommyunger January 3, 2012 at 11:05 pm

What? 'Merikans are an ignorant, incurious and dull-witted lot? I'm shocked, I tell you, shocked (clutches pearls and swoons onto fainting couch).

AlterNewt January 3, 2012 at 6:16 pm

One learns so much here at the Wonkette.

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