poll pr0n

Mitt Romney Supposed To Win Iowa Caucuses, Unless He Doesn’t

Worse things could happen, like six comets hitting Earth, maybe.

There are several billion polls out there variously dropping coy hints about a Ron Paul win, a Mitt Romney win or that more apocalyptic outcome, a “Santorum surprise,” GAH, but let’s check in with poll nerd king Nate Silver: Mitt Romney has a 42% chance of winning and everyone else has less, with the important caveat that Iowa’s schizophrenic Republican voters have been off meds for months now and it’s possible that poll averages mean nothing since Saturday’s Des Moines Register poll found that 41% of likely caucus-goers are still sort of weepy about their choices and continue to waffle over whom to support.


  • Mittens said he was going to “win this thing,” and then excitable political reporters assumed “thing” meant Iowa since HELLO IOWA IS THE ONLY THING ON EARTH right now, and Mittens was forced to clarify that he does NOT think he will win Iowa, just “the nomination,” BOO. Please confine your soundbites to the current news cycle, to avoid confusion. Romney then crushed a small child to signal that he understands.
  • Hahahahaha, Rick Santorum called Ron Paul “disgusting” without any hint of irony.
  • Newt Gingrich admits to making a mistake! What was it? “I made the amateur mistake of having two compound sentences,” he said, which means that he thinks he might still win the caucuses, since Republican voters are indifferent to poor syntax.
  • Rick Perry thinks Alaska is in Arizona.
  • Most importantly of all, WHAT HAS AMERICA’S TOP POLITICAL EXPERT SARAH PALIN FIGURED OUT ABOUT THE IOWA CAUCUSES: “Michele Bachmann isn’t going to win.”

All of which is moot, since Barack Obama’s pollsters have already declared him the only Republican capable of winning the Iowa caucuses, the end. [Five Thirty Eight/ Des Moines Register]

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        1. JustPixelz

          Last I heard you were getting web-married to V or someone. I'm pretty sure one-man-avatar, one-pussycat-avatar is still legal. Did you "Say 'Like' to the Dress"? Are you going to be a Mozilla-Bridezilla? Will you honeymoon in Second Life?

          1. V572 the Merciless

            We're going to Costa Rica, where they have no military, exquisite weather and beautiful beaches.

            And by the way, was it a drug flashback or dead I hear Newtie on the teevee saying that no matter who wins in Iowa, it's a victory for him (Newtie)?

          2. Chichikovovich

            Maybe he met a pretty, ambitious, young Republican fourth-wife-to-be working the phone bank at some campaign office in Bettendorf or Davenport.

            [Well, perhaps not as young and pretty as Callista was before the Stepfordization, but Newt, as an idea man, understands that as you approach pocket battleship/heavy cruiser tonnage category, you need to adapt your expectations to the new circumstances.]

    1. Barb

      Me too! I am thinking that America could lose 400 pounds of blubber if Newt drops out of the race tonight.

        1. GOPCrusher

          LOL! Huckabee has come out and said that Ron Paul's and Rick Perry's plans to cut off all foreign aid is nuts.

  1. AlterNewt

    "41% of likely caucus-goers are still sort of weepy about their choices and continue to waffle over whom to support"


    1. Terry

      Whoever wins, Hopey wins.

      This bunch of candidates include both the crazy and the desperate. They're going to tear each other to pieces primary by primary. At the end, they'll have a candidate that most of the GOP voters hate for one reason or another. Independents and Democrats will see a bloody halfwit running against Barry and vote for Barry even if he didn't close Gitmo and so forth.

  2. SorosBot

    A Santorum win would be so fun; let's hope this thing gets dragged out as long as possible and gives us the worst possible candidate, instead of just handing it off to the boring Mittens (who also stands a chance of winning the general) and ending our fun with the clown show.

    1. chicken_thief

      The CW seems to be that Mittens is "electable", but I don't get it. While all the not-Mittens have risen and fallen in the polls, Willard has retained his paltry 20% or so, despite diving hard right on every issue known to man. In the general, he is now going to have to revise his positions once again. There are already plenty of pre-2011 Mittens vs 2011 Mittens, the Iowa primary will now give Obama pre-Iowa Mittens vs post-Iowa Mittens to use at will in the general. And in the general, Obama will push back against his "Obummer Lie of the Day".

      1. GhostBuggy

        Well, I think people think Mittens is electable because he (and Huntsman) seems to be the only one that's not a rampaging psychotic. Sure, he's terrible and everything, but in that old-fashioned Republican way. The others, Jesus, the thought of them with access to nuclear weapons makes me vomit in terror. Mitt, not so much.

        But I could be wrong. We could all be horribly, horribly wrong.

        1. chicken_thief

          I'm sure that my view is clouded by the fact that I just can't stand the fucker. Nothing to do with his political views, if anyone can figure out what they are today – I just don't like him. I have to admit, though, I have tried to emulate his kinda breathless, rushed speaking voice when I make obscene phone calls.

          Given the choice between two moderates, I'd much rather vote for Obama (again) than Wheezy. As for the rest of the bunch, I wouldn't let any of them watch my pets, let alone run the country.

          1. MissNancyPriss

            The fact that folks on this site have to say "I'd rather vote for Obama than….(insert illiterate, freakish, heartless lunatic)" means that FOXsnooze has infected more than just the teatard types. Come on, guys! Let's have some perspective and clarity! RICK SANTORUM.

          2. Loaded_Pants

            There is no "clarity" with santorum (too frothy) & there's no "perspective" associated with it unless one is staring at one's own ass.

      2. Chichikovovich

        I'm with you. Has there ever been a Republican nominee who won the general election despite not being able to attract more than a fifth of the Republicans?

    2. GOPCrusher

      If Romney would have a chance of winning in the general election, it would because of the independents. The Republiklan Base won't vote for him because he was pro-abortion, pro-health care reform, and not a Real Xtian.
      The only thing he has going for him with them is that he's white.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      After the excitement of the cockus has ended, will there be a santorum surge, and if so, will mittens be able to clean it up?

  3. Chillwaver

    "Rick Perry thinks Alaska is in Arizona."

    Don't you wish they we could merge them and sell them back to Russia?

    Also, not that I give two shits about Iowa, but wouldn't be awesome if cocky Mittens lost today?

    1. Terry

      I think Ron Paul is certifiably insane, as are his followers, but I'm actually hoping he wins today just to see the reactions within the various GOP camps.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        I was going to make a joke about many head assplosions, santorum, and how Santorum couldn't tell his head from his ass so they both exploded.

        For some reason I seem to be stuck on Santorum today. Hehe…"stuck"

  4. SexySmurf

    Here is a partial list of topics I would rather discuss instead of the Iowa caucus:

    1. Why my mother doesn't have any grand-kids yet.
    2. Katy and Russell's split.
    3. The new season of Mob Wives.

      1. SexySmurf

        1. I haven't found the right girl yet. Get off my back; I'm still young.
        2. Hot musician/gross actor. It's usually the other way around.
        3. The show that has replaced Storage Wars as the best thing on TV.

    1. Mojopo

      I haven't seen Mob Wives, but I did see Finding Bigfoot on Animal Planet Sunday night. A hairy hippy named Bobo runs through the woods calling out, "SQUATCH! SQUAAAATCH" and I find this extremely fascinating. I think he must be a libertarian.

      1. GhostBuggy

        Isn't that the show with a Bigfoot "researcher" actually named Matt Moneymaker? I mean, it's like they're not even trying.

        1. Mojopo

          Yeah, and some whispering lesbian in camping clothes named Ranae. I love that every broken twig and thump is considered a "clear indication of Bigfoot activity". Everything counts. The wind. A fart. A fart in the wind. "Definitely Sasquatch."

  5. MrFizzy

    There is a 100% chance the GOP is going to nominate a hypocritical, white drone to run against Obama.

  6. OkieDokieDog

    I certainly don't envy the Iowans. How does one decide who is the biggest and bestest bible humpin' lily white-assed douchebag dipshit in that race to the bottom? I would have to line up photos of all the POTUS wannabees then close my eyes and toss a dog turd at them. Which might be how some Iowans decide. Who knows?

  7. chicken_thief

    Ah-ha! Wonkette was trapped by it's own advice about sticking to the current news cycle. What Palin said was "it isn't Michele's time". Silly Wonkette assumed the Grifter Queen meant "to win Iowa" but was really referring to Shelz period. Go for it, Marcus!!!

  8. BigDumbRedDog

    I almost never root for a santorum surprise, but I am today! Go frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter.

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    “I made the amateur mistake of having two compound sentences,” Gingrich said to about 100 people who attended an event he hosted

    To which the audience responded, "Compound sentence? Wuzzat?"

    1. chicken_thief

      About 99 of the 100 thought back to the time when they did concurrent sentences and quickly forgave Newt his error.

    2. gurukalehuru

      It's all in keeping with that "Newt is what a stupid person thinks a smart person sounds like" thingie. Newt knew perfectly well most of his audience had no idea what he was talking about.

  10. prommie

    Its a tough choice, you have to admit. On the one hand, you have a pandering mormon, who is actually a moderate republican who has to lie to appear acceptably insane, and on the other hand, you have an assortment of genuinely insane people, ranging from the narcissistic grifter Newt, to the Bull Goose Loonie maniac, Michele Bachmann.

  11. slithytoves

    Cool beans. If you type ret@rded your comment gets deleted by the administrator.

    But cunt gets through. Sarah – is that you?

    1. fuflans

      the r word has been banned from the wonkettes since poor ginger jack brought down internet fire and brimstone.

      one assumes inadvertently.

    1. chicken_thief

      I like Ricky's "sometimes the best isn't that great" reason to vote for him instead of the other disgusting douche bags.

    2. Loaded_Pants

      He often googles himself and, yes it does involve santorum. And yes, like Ron Paul, it's disgusting.

  12. MissTaken

    Uh oh. If Palin says that Bachmann isn't going to win I predict a landslide for Miche1e. We all know that Sarah has never been right about anything, and tonight is no exception.

    1. chicken_thief

      Predicting that One L won't "win" hardly requires Jeanne Dixon or Nostradamus-like premonitions. And even if Shelz were to eek out a marginal victory, Mama Griz can just say "I meant a majority of the vote, not a plurality". Like she would know the difference…

  13. OneYieldRegular

    Well, if we hadn't allowed unruly protestors to remove an America-supported unpopular dictator in Iowa, then we wouldn't have to worry about the radical Christian Brotherhood taking power.

    Wait, what? Coffee. Need coffee.

      1. prommie

        Its the only way it could be more disgusting, isn't it? And maybe get some blood in there, from a bleeding hemarroid. (edit: is it "hemorroid?" "Hemohrroid?" Its one of those words with spare letters scattered all through it, isn't it? "Haemohrhoidhi?")

  14. Mumbletypeg

    variously …a Ron Paul win, a Mitt Romney win or …a “Santorum surprise”

    It occurs to me that hazarding a guess as to which amongst any of these puppets-on-crutches will nab the victory, is equivalent to wondering which secret toy surprise one will pull from the snack box.
    They're all cracker jacks in a batch loaded with extra nuts. With the real candy I got used to the nuts, but nowadays these things are really sticking in my craw.

  15. owhatever

    Before tying his dog to the top of the car and heading off on a well-deserved vacation to New Hampshire, the happy winner Mittens surprised all with his victory speech: "My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, and loyal servant to President Obama."

    Some crazy spit-slimed woman yelled at him from the stage, "I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next."

  16. prommie

    A Santorum win would be the sweetest treat of all! He might not be as crazy as Bachmann, but he is just as stupid. He's a fetus-worshipping inanimate carbon rod.

  17. An_Outhouse

    I heard the London Bridge was moved to Arizona. That could be what Perry was referencing, but probably not. I forgot he was still in this. I'm going to miss his
    child like ignorance and the playfulness of his little cowboy routine.

  18. DerrickWildcat

    I thought it would be fun to watch a few of the Omaha Channels for once to see the last chance desperate campaign ads (Council Bluffs, IA is across the river so they buy air time on Omaha Channels) It sucks, because all there is on now is a bunch of dumb soap operas and talk shows where people scream at each other.
    It ain't worth it.
    Did you know that network daytime TV was so terrible? Well, I did not know this.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      DW: Some years back, when my Mother lived in Western Illinois (near the Quad Cities and the Iowa border) her tv was chock full of ads for agricultural chemicals.

      Henry County – "The Hog Capital of the World" – apparently was an attractive market for "Boar Power." I never could find the gimmie cap for that product, but I'd have proudly worn it.

      Overall, the astonishing variety of products to make crops grow just put me off my feed.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I watched a lot of college football this past season on the Big 10 Network, and the other half of the ads were for agricultural machinery. I guess it's like watching "regular" TV and seeing all these 20-somethings buying new Lexus cars for each other every Christmas. How often do you need a new fucking harvester?

  19. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Potential slogans for Romney from here on out:

    Romney, Because he isn't that crazy!

    Romney, You don't really have a choice, do you?

    Romney: At least when you Google him it isn't immediately disgusting.

    Romney: Because he wants it so bad.

    Romney: Come on, he will say whatever you want to be elected!

    1. GOPCrusher

      Wonder if that assclown that was dressed up as a flip-flop will show at the MSNBC broadcast booth during the RNC like he did for the 2004 DNC. Annoying shit. Didn't matter what time of the day or night you turned on MSNBC, that clown would be standing in the camera angle.

  20. sbj1964

    RON PAUL! 2012!!! Hey the GOP'er should elect the biggest nut in the party.After all they elected G.W. Bush twice.

  21. chicken_thief

    This is a little off topic, but here is Gov Palin's quoted prediction about Bachmann's chance.

    "As for Michelle Bachmann. She has a lot to offer, also, but I don't think it is her time this go around. And I believe that unless she, too, wants to spend her own money or borrowing money and perhaps go into debt. Which heaven forbid, you do that to your family? Perhaps she is one, too, who would start saying 'supporters of mine, why don't we coalesce around one of the other candidates and let's move together as a team to get that right primary candidate chosen?'" Sarah Palin said on FOX News today.

    Goddamnit, I miss that woman!!! Who can make that shit up? Who else can garble a statement so badly it requires an interpreter?!

    Oh, and Lou Sarah: Glenn sez Happy New Years!

    1. Tundra Grifter


      Duh Gov'Nuh really doesn't know there is no personal liability for presidential campaign debt?

      Ask Alan Keyes about that one!

      1. chicken_thief

        I didn't know that, but did notice that the Grifter Queen did not volunteer any financial support.

    2. Geminisunmars

      Thanks for providing that tidbit. I like reading her quotes rather than actually having to listen to them. I can laugh at her battiness instead of crawling under 12 quilts with a fifth of wodka in order to retreat from the owl-screech that is her voice.

    3. GOPCrusher

      They really are concerned that Michele will split the Evangelical vote, thus harming Santorum's chances.

  22. Ducksworthy

    Does anybody have a preview picture of Romney's coronation:ermine robes over magic underwear? With a prominent 1% on his crown?

  23. DaRooster

    Excuse me but Palin and Sanity should never be used together without an IN shoved in there somewhere.
    Oh OK… Romney/Pal-Insanity… got it.

  24. DaRooster

    “Michele Bachmann isn’t going to win.”

    Wow… talk about someone who has her finger on the pulse. That Sarah is a Jeenius.

  25. weejee

    Republican voters are indifferent to poor syntax.

    Hah! KBJ you should know that the Repugs are against all taxes, syn or otherwise.

    1. chicken_thief

      Please don't use Sarah and Glenn in the same sentence – to this day it still makes Todd's blood boil.

  26. SayItWithWookies

    All these stories are missing the really big harbinger here: the fact that an election where Ron Paul and Rick Santorum are both in the running to win for an office bigger than timekeeper at the group therapy sessions means the Republican Party is finally doing its Exxon Valdez imitation and breaking up on shoals it should've seen coming well beforehand. And it's going to be great fun.

    1. prommie

      Plus Bachmann. Just the fact that people don't laugh so explosively that spittle flys when they mention her as a candidate, is incredible.

    2. GOPCrusher

      This AM on NPR, a talking head said that this is proof that the Republklans realize that they have no chance to take back the White House, since none of the people that actually have a chance to win are running.

    1. natoslug

      Miche1e's going to get a bit worn out in a six-way. Although considering the other participants, she's more likely to remain untouched.

  27. emmelemm

    I'll be a little sad if Michele and Rick Perry go bye-bye after this. Gingrich, Santorum and Paul are all despicable little trolls who are not, in the least, amusing. At least Bachmann and Perry bring the comedy.

      1. emmelemm

        I don't really miss him, although I do kind of miss that really, really creepy video with smoking man and the rousing, patriotic music.

      2. GOPCrusher

        I miss the fact that he deluded himself into thinking that a black man had the chance to win the Republiklan nomination.

  28. voodooeconomics

    I just peed on a Ron Paul bumper sticker. Is that illegal?
    What is wrong with the Iowa cockauasses. Why would they even consider Rick? have they even read what this man stands for.

  29. ttommyunger

    Ummmmm. Excuse, me; but has anyone thought to mention that the Iowa Caucus doesn't really mean shit to anyone except Iowans, pundits and other assholes?

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