GIFZETTE DAILY BRIEFING  8:33 am January 3, 2012

Iowomp Womp Womp: Happy Caucus Day!

by Matt Langer

OCTUPY THE ROSE BOWLNEW YORK—Friends, we have arrived. Months and months of penetrating insight and attentive poll-watching from our dedicated, thoughtful crew of professional political reporters have all been leading up to this moment, when tonight, in living rooms and VFW halls across the frost covered fields of the great state of Iowa, a block of voters representing fewer than three one-hundredths of one percent of the total US population kick off this year’s Republican nominating contest. It is here that so many months of breathless speculation will finally see a pay off when panelists, columnists, and editorial boards all simultaneously turn their attention to… breathlessly speculating about exit polls! Before it starts all over again for New Hampshire! And then South Carolina! And then in Florida and again on Super Tuesday until a president is finally elected on November 6th and we can all get back to the important business of breathlessly speculating about who will be running in 2016.

So here’s what to look foward to this evening, sports fans: caucusing begins at 7:00PM local time (8:00 in beltway and Rock Center television studios), when Iowa Republicans will read off a few well-vetted prepared talking points (Rick Santorum’s supporters will apparently be quoting Glenn Beck) before literally scribbling down the name of their preferred candidate on a piece of paper (you’re so adorably rustic, Iowa). But good news for one-L two-N Michele Bachmann: the Iowa state GOP tells Talking Points Memo that misspellings will be counted. And it’s important to remember that Iowa Republican nominating rules have no 15% viability threshold, meaning the chips will fall however they will after only one round of balloting (this is in contrast to the ‘Survivor’-style Democratic nominating contests, where supporters of candidates who obtain less than 15% of the total vote throw their support behind another candidate who’s still standing in later rounds—and with Gingrich, Perry and Bachmann enjoying the support of a total of 30% of caucusgoers with not one of them capturing over 15%, this is very good news for Mitt Romney).

Also, even unregistered Iowa voters should feel free to show up at their local caucus tonight, where they can register on the spot without any form of photo identification, since it turns out Republicans aren’t so concerned about voter fraud when the only people voting are Midwestern white people.

But thankfully for all of us there’s actually no need to tune in at all, because as usual Nate Silver has already predicted everything: the Bill James of American politics is putting the smart money on Mitt Romney, with only a slightly smaller chance that Ron Paul stages an upset. But we’re not about to let the professional pundit class have all the fun here, so if you’ll let us put on our prognosticator’s cap for just a moment (it looks a lot like Princess Beatrice’s), we’re a bit more inclined to agree with Howard Dean here and suspect we may just end up with a Santorum upset.

Speaking of Santorum, the distinguished halls of the Grey Lady are swelling with Rickmentum today, where the ungoogleable one is not only getting special attention for his sweater vests but even seems to have sealed the David Brooks endorsement.

And if there’s any good news to come out of tonight’s theatrics it’s that none of us will ever again have to pay attention to Rick Perry or Michele Bachmann, a payoff which really couldn’t have come a moment too soon considering that at a Bachmann campaign stop yesterday, according to the Times, “One man brought his Bible to be autographed. And Mrs. Bachmann said she was delighted to do it.” (And that’s when our heads exploded.)

Meanwhile, former Politico star Ben Smith is already bringing the lulz in his new gig over at BuzzFeed, where he outlines “Ron Paul’s secret plan to actually win.” BuzzFeed readers rate this theory “Win” over “Fail” by a two-to-one margin, with “LOL” and “Cute” trailing not too far behind in a statistical dead heat.

Don’t miss yesterday’s look ahead from Greg Sargent at the GOP’s game plan for the general: “After doing everything in their power to prevent Obama from successfully transcending partisanship and achieving transformative change — even if it meant repeatedly opposing solutions to profound national problems they once embraced — Republicans will now attack him for failing to transcend partisanship and achieve transformative change.”

Lastly, we were slow-clapping at our laptop yesterday when we saw this truly herculean effort from Capital New York’s Joe Pompeo, “An Annotated Field Guide to the Campaign 2012 Press Corps.” All 1,500 of them!! (Which of course made us think of this tweet from David Sirota: “Shocking that same media spending this much cash on 24-7 coverage of IA caucus somehow pleads poverty when it comes to actual journalism.”) (#truthbombs #shotsfired #etc #etc #etc)

[READ MORE AT THE GIFZETTE.]

 
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{ 228 comments }

Captain_Quark January 3, 2012 at 8:40 am

A general rule to live by: if it's popular in Iowa, it must really suck. With that in mind, I'm ready for the frothy surge of Santorum to erupt in a come-from-behind blowout.

Baconzgood January 3, 2012 at 8:42 am

Spelling errors will be counted? This is Baconz kinda election!

I vote for Markiss Oreelious!

weejee January 3, 2012 at 8:44 am

Not Markiss Swishiehips Bachmann?

MrFizzy January 3, 2012 at 9:18 am

speaking of santorum

Negropolis January 3, 2012 at 9:28 am

Is Mishell Cockman a proper spelling error?

DaRooster January 3, 2012 at 9:30 am

Yay Seazer!!

Terry January 3, 2012 at 10:12 am

I'm kinda hoping that Reagan wins the caucus and the Iowa GOP has to consider whether being dead should prohibit a candidate from winning.

PubOption January 3, 2012 at 11:55 am

That spelling might confuse them, even if Cain has withdrawn.

HempDogbane January 3, 2012 at 8:42 am

Michele: Please go to South Carolina !

Grief_Lessons January 3, 2012 at 8:42 am

J Bush/Walker 2016!

ManchuCandidate January 3, 2012 at 8:46 am

Jimmy Walker?

"Dynooooomite!"

MrFizzy January 3, 2012 at 9:17 am

I think I would prefer Johnnie Walker and Palin Bush.

ThundercatHo January 3, 2012 at 9:47 am

Walker, Texas Ranger?

Chichikovovich January 3, 2012 at 10:34 am

Hoverround/Walker 2016!

Let's get America moving again!

weejee January 3, 2012 at 8:43 am

First: ♪♫ Tall Paul, he's a my all ♫♪
Second: A Frothy Santorum
Turd: Mittens
Totally Snakebit: Neuter, Shel3y, Perry, & Huntsman

Obvs, it's all about having the faithful coming out a the caucus and if nothing else, the Paultards and Evangeliculls are faithful..

Mojopo January 3, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I made a movie poster – can I use your jingle? http://imgur.com/FVvPU

weejee January 3, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Absolutely

ManchuCandidate January 3, 2012 at 8:44 am

Ron Paul's "Secret" Plan to win sounds a lot like the last "secret" plan…

1. Mix some truth with the crazy and ideological libertarian bullshit
2. Aspergy and irrational followers annoy the shit out of everyone
3. ???
4. Get elected!

Guppy January 3, 2012 at 9:39 am

And here I thought it really was spelled "ass-pie."

Negligently_Joe January 3, 2012 at 10:01 am

I keep on saying that libertarians and paultards give Aspies a bad name, but you know what, fuck it, a ton of them are and generally the most ridiculous, stereotypical, never-even-make-the-effort-to-shore-up-your-shortcomings sorts of Aspies, too.

I love literal-minded, geeky people, but dear god, do I ever hate other Aspies so much. They're so fucking terrible.

elviouslyqueer January 3, 2012 at 10:25 am

Oh Manchu, you forgot the most important part of his plan:

2a. Reinflate blimp. #winning!

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 12:57 pm

*raises hand*
Where 3.??? = legalize weed?

Baconzgood January 3, 2012 at 8:44 am

"Ron Paul stages an upset"

Is it snowing really bad in Iowa?

ManchuCandidate January 3, 2012 at 8:46 am

Lots of Santorum on the road, I suspect.

Negropolis January 3, 2012 at 9:30 am

I've heard of black ice, but brown ice is new to me.

Geminisunmars January 3, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I think that is called brown surge.

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 12:32 pm

According to weather.com (which is not always reliable, but that's a rant for another topic), Des Moines will get to 41 degrees and windy today, and a high of 33 degrees in Iowa City is expected. Also known in those parts as a heat wave…

Baconzgood January 3, 2012 at 1:28 pm

That is now offically all I ever will (or want to) know about Iowa.

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 12:59 pm

""Ron Paul stages an upset"

Is it snowing really bad in Iowa?"

If "Ron Paul stages an upset" means Ron Paul got a surprisingly large number of votes, I suspect it's snowing really bad in Hell.

GOPCrusher January 3, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Beautiful sunny day here in Iowa. Look for the Ron Paul movement to come to a screeching halt.

Baconzgood January 3, 2012 at 8:46 am

Matt sure wrote alota words about shit none of us Wonkers care about.

Radiotherapy January 3, 2012 at 8:52 am

The fucker's been off for two weeks, whatcha expect?

Texan_Bulldog January 3, 2012 at 8:58 am

Yeah, I think Wonkette readers have very short attention spans (plus all the hangovers). I quit reading after

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 9:09 am

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

*gets coffee mug thrown upside head*

Baconzgood January 3, 2012 at 9:36 am

I can help you with that stutter…

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 1:00 pm

You already tried hitting him upside the head with a coffee mug, and it obviously didn't work.

HempDogbane January 3, 2012 at 10:33 am

I want to read about Pizza Ranch. Christian/cowboy-themed Pizza is so good !

Biff January 3, 2012 at 10:41 am

The trick is in the cowpie…

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Yeah, I love those stories and movies about the Wild West, where all the cowboys are sitting around the campfire with the blue-and-white speckled tin coffee pot over the fire, and one of them is tossing a pizza in the background, ready to bake it in the brick oven that they brought on the trail with them.

hollywooddood January 3, 2012 at 8:46 am

At least Ron Paul has the youth-with-grandpa-issues tied up.

Joshua Norton January 3, 2012 at 8:48 am

Y' know even if they relegated Iowa to the Stone Age, it would only set them back about 6 months.

With all the "we want to be first" state primary fetishes going on, they'll soon be pushing them up to the day after Inauguration.

GOPCrusher January 3, 2012 at 1:16 pm

The 2016 Caucuses start next week.

Radiotherapy January 3, 2012 at 8:49 am

I've got my Carly Simon, Anticipation, cued up on the turntable.

ClydeMydia January 3, 2012 at 10:03 am

What's a turntable???

Mumbletypeg January 3, 2012 at 10:43 am

It's for backup when Radio is too broke or spent or hung over to play anymore. Like the old John Prine songs that "…never last too long on broken radios"

I'll just be right over here…

Radiotherapy January 3, 2012 at 11:35 am

I got two turntables and a microphone.

Mumbletypeg January 3, 2012 at 12:00 pm

oh that definitely has a better beat, and can dance to it, than Prine's ballad – - not that there's anything wrong w/ his slower tunes but now that I've had Sam Stone playing in my head all morning I welcome the transition to Beck~

Dudleydidwrong January 3, 2012 at 10:54 am

I'm gonna listen to Eric Burdon. "We gotta get out of this place" seems appropriate. No offense to animals or The Animals but there's nothing in Iowa but dumb-fuck animals.

Callyson January 3, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Peggy Lee, "Is That All There Is?"
(Somehow, music of that era seems to fit, though it might be too modern for some of today's Reeps…)

Geminisunmars January 3, 2012 at 12:59 pm

And tomorrow we can sing "What a Difference a Day Makes", or maybe "Bye Bye Miss American Pie".

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 1:03 pm

"I've got my Carly Simon, Anticipation, cued up on the turntable."

*salutes briskly*
Ketchup bottle is ready!

Arken January 3, 2012 at 8:49 am

When Iowa's caucus ends, we can all sit back and be thankful that there are only 7352 more GOP debates to follow it.

skoalrebel January 3, 2012 at 8:50 am

The Founders wisely said that "If you build it, they will come." [spit] This is why Iowa will always the great cornfield of democracy. It's all about that vision thing. And moonshine. But don't forget the dip! [spit]

Dashboard Buddha January 3, 2012 at 9:11 am

Hey…good to see you. How were the holidays?

skoalrebel January 3, 2012 at 9:18 am

Great! [spit] The whole family gathered at my cousin Bubba's place to celebrate. We had it all: turkey, stuffing, pie, hard liquor, guns, and plenty of dip! Bubba gave me a book for Christmas. it's called The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. It explains a lot of interesting stuff.

Dashboard Buddha January 3, 2012 at 9:32 am

What a coincidence. I got a copy of Behold A Pale Horse. Man…is that turning out to be an eye opener!

Negropolis January 3, 2012 at 9:35 am

I prefer to think of it as a corn pit. A field sounds too egalitarian, too much implying that they see everyone on the same level. No, it's the great cornpit of authoritarianism, with the oligarchs hanging onto the edge of the corn sarlacc, and everyone else fighting to not slide down to jaws.

ThundercatHo January 3, 2012 at 9:56 am

So I suppose the the message here is, "Don't go to Iowa without your body armour and jetpack"?

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Didn't Stephen King make a horror movie about this?

GorzoTheMighty January 3, 2012 at 8:53 am

I am betting my Ameros on Ron Paul. Midget/ Clown 2012

Monsieur_Grumpe January 3, 2012 at 8:54 am

There goes my ounce of respect for David Brooks.

Troubledog January 3, 2012 at 8:58 am

David Brooks, in reply:
"In these troubling times, some people feel one way. But others feel differently. Still others remain undecided. It reminds me of a historical event, where also people were trying to decide something. A character in that event faced a dilemma and ultimately, he had trouble deciding. It was much like the current situation, where people are trying to decide. But this is why our system is pretty good, even though it could be better."

Chichikovovich January 3, 2012 at 11:08 am

Brooks continued:
"And for a non-partisan independent above the fray like me, this is no time for partisan fingerpointing. The Democrats are always seeking, and will only accept, solutions that increase government spending and government power*. They remain the party of Acid, Amnesty and Abortion and American troops in harm's way rightly regard them as failing to give adequate support. They don't dare propose education reforms for fear of offending the teachers unions. They stick to old strategies as Medicare and Social Security head toward bankrupcy, while the bold efforts to confront the problems head on, by Newt Gingrich, Scott Walker and Paul Ryan show the Republicans to be the party of ideas. [...etc....] Meanwhile, last Daylight Savings Time weekend, John Bohner forgot to turn the clocks in his house forward until late Monday afternoon. So both sides have faults and I can be treated as a credible independent observer because am critical of both."

*[Editor's note: Actual moronic thing straight from Rove/Luntz talking point central that Brooks has written (variations of) on several occasions. As if the Democratic leadership considers a proposed solution by asking "First priority: will this increase government spending and government power? Second priority: Will it solve the problem?" [Fantasy populating Brooks' mind: US ambassador to Afghanistan: "The Taliban and all of Al Qaeda have agreed to cease hostilities and kill themselves if we just ask them nicely." Socialist Democrat: "Sorry, no can do. That won't increase government spending."] ]

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 1:10 pm

"As if the Democratic leadership considers a proposed solution by asking "First priority: will this increase government spending and government power? Second priority: Will it solve the problem?""

Since the loyal opposition actually does something like the evil mirror image of this — with increasing power to corporations instead of government, and a desire NOT to solve the problem, thereby supporting their theory that "government just doesn't work" — I can only suspect projection on a major scale.

Geminisunmars January 3, 2012 at 1:04 pm

"The News Hour" was wondering if you could fill in this Friday as Brooks has the night off.

GhostBuggy January 3, 2012 at 9:36 am

Essentially, he seemed to be saying that if Santorum doesn't win, it's because of money and the unfair coverage of his INSANE IDEAS. You know, just like Palin and Buchanan!

Go fuck yourself, Brooks.

GOPCrusher January 3, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I thought that was Ron Paul's excuse?

Joshua Norton January 3, 2012 at 8:55 am

And in the name of all that's holy, could we put the kibosh on the term “Santorum surge”? It sounds like something you'd get after eating a fish taco that you bought off a street vendor in Tijuana.

Guppy January 3, 2012 at 9:41 am

Though occasionally in the vicinity, fish tacos are actually completely uninvolved in the production of santorum.

Troubledog January 3, 2012 at 8:55 am

Michele Bachmann's Last Day Off

freakishlywrong January 3, 2012 at 8:58 am

We, (U.S of America), are fucked.

DaRooster January 3, 2012 at 10:25 am

I said the exact same thing…

(… when Bush beat cheated Gore)

proudgrampa January 3, 2012 at 10:48 am

I TOLD you we were freakin' doomed!

Geminisunmars January 3, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Regardless who gets nominated, we are fucked just by the sheer buffoonery of the entire repub contingent. Sorry about the snarklessness of this.

freakishlywrong January 3, 2012 at 9:01 am

“after doing everything in their power to prevent Obama from successfully transcending partisanship and achieving transformative change — even if it meant repeatedly opposing solutions to profound national problems they once embraced caused — Republicans will now attack him for failing to transcend partisanship and achieve transformative change.”

Better.

Mumbletypeg January 3, 2012 at 10:30 am

I was gonna try to make a pun out of "dang-gone dangling modifiers" – - but feared you would come up w/ a better pun to correct mine with.

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 1:14 pm

“after doing everything in their power to prevent Obama from successfully transcending partisanship and achieving transformative change … Republicans will now attack him for failing to transcend partisanship and achieve transformative change.”

"Republicans attack Obama for opposing them with insufficient zeal" — future headline in "The Onion"*

*I went to the website and searched to make sure that this wasn't an *actual* headline in The Onion.

MrFizzy January 3, 2012 at 9:03 am

I'm voting for the white Teletubby in the sleeveless sweater. He seems very nice.

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 9:06 am

Bible signed by Michele Bachmann? pft. I had my Bible signed by the Father and the Son. I didn't get the Holy Ghost's autograph, though, because I couldn't see him.

MrFizzy January 3, 2012 at 9:15 am

Plus he writes in invisible pen. Jeebus can see it of course.

Barrelhse January 3, 2012 at 9:48 am

My dick has some lettering on it- says "Mann," but when I'm erect you can see that she signed it "Michele Bachmann."

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 9:58 am

So, she gave you a woody? Eww.

MrFizzy January 3, 2012 at 10:42 am

At least it's not Marcus.

Terry January 3, 2012 at 10:16 am

Hard for a ghost, regardless of how holy, to hold a pen.

GunToting[Redacted] January 3, 2012 at 12:25 pm

There's that damn echo again!

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 1:16 pm

The Holy Ghost doesn't give autographs, but if you're very virtuous, he may slime you.

Doktor Zoom January 3, 2012 at 9:08 am

Huh-huh…they got santorum on their caucus…huh-huh-huh….

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 9:09 am

So here, on the day after a three-day weekend that also marks a return to the normal work schedule, we all have this spectacle to look forward to. It's like the RNC is in a conspiracy with the alcohol companies to make sure we never stop drinking.

ThundercatHo January 3, 2012 at 9:59 am

Well, it's worked out so well for the tobacco companies and the oil companies.

James Michael Curley January 3, 2012 at 9:16 am

For the upcoming (or is that outgoing?) Santorum Surge I recommend Depends.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 9:46 am

Santorum has come back from the rear!

chascates January 3, 2012 at 9:17 am

I'm guessing there will be a live blog here for tonight's festivities? I'm waiting for the liquor store to open for my caucus bourbon.

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 9:19 am

Iowomp Womp Womp:

Shouldn't that read "Iofap Fap Fap"?

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I, personally, was singing:
"Iowomp Womp Womp, another one bites the dust",
but yours is good, too.

Negropolis January 3, 2012 at 9:20 am

Trouble in River City, y'all! Sound the alarms!

Iowa is just now getting Michael Jackson's music, right? Wait until they get Lady Gaga. The old Iowan church ladies are going to shit their britches when she hits the airwaves.

twoeightnine January 3, 2012 at 9:23 am

I drove across Iowa one day this summer, it was the longest 16 years of my life.

MARCdMan January 3, 2012 at 9:26 am

Since all these Caucus things do is identify the wingnut-preferred candidate, when is the media going to simply start ignoring the winner.

EatsBabyDingos January 3, 2012 at 9:26 am

Throughout it all, one song has been knocking around in my empty head, and it seems to sum up the slate of these mentall midgets:

"WHO LET THE DOGS OUT"

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 9:30 am

I've had a whole album doing the same thing. Pink Floyd "Animals"

Ha ha, charade they are.

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 1:22 pm

"You've got to be able to pick out the easy meat with your eyes closed.
And after a while, you can work on points for style.
Like the club tie, and the firm handshake,
A certain look in the eye and an easy smile.
You've got to be trusted by the people that you lie to"

freakishlywrong January 3, 2012 at 9:35 am

All I hear is clown music.

Negropolis January 3, 2012 at 9:38 am

What an existential question. Indeed, who did cry "havoc!" and let slip the dogs of war? Not Willard, for sure. His dog was strapped in kennel atop his station wagon on the freeway.

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 9:45 am

Wasn't that Christopher Walken?

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Now I'm hearing, in Christopher Walken's voice:
'Your dog. He seems to be. On the roof of your car. Why is your dog. On the roof of your car?"

Biff January 3, 2012 at 10:48 am

And leaking santorum down onto the windshield, I heard.

Negropolis January 3, 2012 at 9:29 am

How much any of you want to bet that Sarah is already on her way on her tacky bus to reach Des Moines by 7:00 to be greeted as a liberator?

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 1:24 pm

She *does* have a history of showing up where she's not expected nor invited (see also Thunder, Rolling), and assuming that she'll be the guest of honor.

sbj1964 January 3, 2012 at 9:30 am

The Republican primary's are doing a good job at electing Obama.

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 1:28 pm

And you think this is accidental?
They're not sending in their first team because they don't *want* to win this election, and why would they? They've already got someone in office who will do whatever they want, cleaning up the messes that Bush made, without their having to do any actual work or get blamed for anything — and when the inevitable crash comes, it will happen on The Black Guy's watch.

GhostBuggy January 3, 2012 at 10:30 am

Silly Gifzette! We'll never make it to 2016!

fartknocker January 3, 2012 at 9:31 am

I won't watch any of it. I'm afraid the Screech Owl of Wasilla will be making an apperance on the Tee-Vee. Her voice combined with the voice of Joan of St. Cloud, MN causes my beloved cat to have seizures. We will be drinking however and watching the Wonkette commentary, because its considered fair and accurate reporting in the Fartknocker casa.

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 9:37 am

Maybe I'll tune in for a second if the Michigan/VaTech game turns out to be a snoozer.

fartknocker January 3, 2012 at 10:03 am

I'm pleased as punch that my beloved OSU Cowboys won the Fiesta Bowl. That was a great game. We usually make it to the Dog Chow Bowl or some other obscure late-night no-prime-time bowl so last night was a treat.

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 10:12 am

I can feel your pain—my beloved Longhorns "dominated" in the BRIDGEPOINT EDUCATION HOLIDAY BOWL. Wowser.

Texan_Bulldog January 3, 2012 at 10:28 am

As a Sooner fan, I had to clinch my sphincter to root for OSU…but I managed it (with the help of a lot of drinking).

Mumbletypeg January 3, 2012 at 10:37 am

oh… that's perfect for the new band I want to start as a new year's rez.. we will call ourselves "Clinch My Sphincter"

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Yeah!
Ducks won the Rose Bowl!
DUCKS WON THE ROSE BOWL!!
YEAH!!!
*dances around living room*
*shakes ass triumphantly*

user-of-owls January 3, 2012 at 10:51 am

the Screech Owl of Wasilla

You'll be hearing from my lawyers soon.

gullywompr January 3, 2012 at 9:37 am

Meh.

DaRooster January 3, 2012 at 9:38 am

Obama will win this caucus… by double digits.

sbj1964 January 3, 2012 at 9:38 am

The Caucus system,or as the GOP likes to spell it Cock-us,is what they have been doing for some time.

ThundercatHo January 3, 2012 at 10:17 am

I thought it was Koch-us?

gurukalehuru January 3, 2012 at 4:53 pm

I thought it was Koch-Ass

slithytoves January 3, 2012 at 9:41 am

I'll be watching The Biggest Loser tonight. Seriously.

Negropolis January 3, 2012 at 9:42 am

Which one?

slithytoves January 3, 2012 at 9:44 am

The one where your life gets better because of the losing. Does that help?

Guppy January 3, 2012 at 9:43 am

Michele probably checked to make sure the Bible was KJV before signing it. Otherwise, she'd have burned it on the spot.

Now, imagine if she was handed a Book of Mormon to sign…

HedonismBot January 3, 2012 at 11:13 am

Just for lulz, I'm gonna go ask her to sign a copy of Dawkins' "The God Delusion." Or maybe "The Communist Manifesto."

Geminisunmars January 3, 2012 at 1:17 pm

How about "Heather Has Two Mommies"? 10th Anniversary edition.

e_z January 3, 2012 at 9:48 am

As Iowa goes, so goes the Iowa…hmmmmmmmmmmm, needs work.

Steverino247 January 3, 2012 at 9:51 am

Say "2016" and you lose a testicle…

DaRooster January 3, 2012 at 10:28 am

… Michele.

johnnyzhivago January 3, 2012 at 9:55 am

Mittens strapped TWO dogs to the roof of his campaign bus as a good luck charm.

WIDTAP January 3, 2012 at 10:02 am

It ain't about who wins Iowa. It's about who loses Iowa, New Hampshire and the other early states, and who loses badly.

Campaign deathwatch for Michele Bachmann starts today. So Iowa can't be all that bad, can it?

Let the winnowing begin!

proudgrampa January 3, 2012 at 10:52 am

Your point is well taken: let's accentuate the positive!

El Pinche January 3, 2012 at 11:52 am

Good point. The Iowa caucus can serve as a hospice. Hopefully, they throw Bachmann on the gurney and send her back to her kid farm.

GOPCrusher January 3, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Don't see it happening. I predict that she will lose badly here in Iowa, then have a Howard Dean moment, go to New Hampshire and lose even worse. Then give it up.

ThundercatHo January 3, 2012 at 10:05 am

I totally read that as "Nate Silver: the Rick James of American politics. SUPERFREAK, superfreak, he's super freaky, yeah.

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 10:35 am

Did Nate "do" Linda Blair too?

MrFizzy January 3, 2012 at 11:54 am

The kind you don't take home to muh-thah

Terry January 3, 2012 at 10:08 am

After midnight tonight, Iowa fades back into well deserved obscurity. In a month, the pundits realize…again…that the Iowa caucuses mean absolutely nothing with regard to the eventual selection of the candidate.

James Michael Curley January 3, 2012 at 10:13 am

"After Midnight,
We gonna let it all flush down,
After Midnight, After Midnight

After all that cross talk an suspicion
We gonna start an inquisition
We gonna find out what its all about
After Midnight, After Midnight"

GOPCrusher January 3, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Wait a minute. What about the Iowa Straw Poll results?

prommie January 3, 2012 at 10:11 am

I just can't believe that this field of candidates hasn't been revealed as a Colbert-esque piece of comedic theater, I still cannot believe that this lineup of clowns, cranks, and loons is it, that these are the best the GOP can do. This cannot be real.

freakishlywrong January 3, 2012 at 10:14 am

And our alleged media is taking them deadly serious. Mark Halperin is regarded as a sage, constantly asking this hack his "thoughts". Pathetic.

prommie January 3, 2012 at 10:35 am

Hacks gonna hack.

proudgrampa January 3, 2012 at 10:59 am

I agree, prommie. It's downright surreal. It's almost like they are parodies of themselves.

Dudleydidwrong January 3, 2012 at 11:09 am

With their only tactics being obstructionist, their only heavy thinkers in the mold (note word) of Karl Rove, their only beliefs based on biblical ideas of hatred–I can believe that these are the best that the GOP can field. The party of Lincoln has become a graveyard and we now deal with the walking dead.

prommie January 3, 2012 at 11:41 am

The Southern Strategy has turned the GOP into the party of racist reaction. They got nothing else, every policy they espouse is either disguised racism, or creeping theocracy. Abortion, bibles, homophobia, creationism and prayer in schools, thats the theocratic agenda, and the anti-welfare, anti-"liberal judges," small government, thats all racism, they lurve states rights and hate big gubmint just because that Big Gubmint let the blacks into their schools. Throw in the Ayn Rand retarded cult of narcissim, and you have it all, thats all the GOP is about. Jeebus, guns, and don't give my money to shiftless blacks, as Santorum just said openly, it is all they have.

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 9:48 pm

*pipes up from balcony*
Don't forget the massive transfer of wealth and power to the 1%!

BigDumbRedDog January 3, 2012 at 10:12 am

I think caucus is a funny word.

Naked_Bunny January 3, 2012 at 10:24 am

Especially when Santorum says it.

valgal2342 January 3, 2012 at 11:40 am

Well then, on to New Hampshire and The Return of the Secaucus Seven.

prommie January 3, 2012 at 10:13 am

I'm gonna buy me some Noilly Pratt today, it really classes up my Gordon's gin.

Limeylizzie January 3, 2012 at 10:29 am

Drink for me Prommie, I no longer do, but I loved me a Noilly Pratt and Sapphire back in the day.

prommie January 3, 2012 at 11:36 am

I will offer a toast to you, my love.

x111e7thst January 3, 2012 at 10:13 am

Iowa will be the first ripple of a national tsunami of santorum.

OneDollarJuana January 3, 2012 at 10:13 am

the Iowa state GOP tells Talking Points Memo that misspellings will be counted

So, when the vote reads "asshole", which candidate gets the vote?

BaldarTFlagass January 3, 2012 at 10:35 am

Uh, all of them?

Oh, no, I didn't do that, did I?

Dudleydidwrong January 3, 2012 at 11:10 am

That's the only possible answer.

prommie January 3, 2012 at 11:47 am

Well, if they meant 'the substance in the asshole," its clearly Santorum, but the asshole itself? That could only be Newt. Strictly speaking, Newt is the asshole in the race, Bachman is the shrieking loon, Paul is the crank, and Romney is whore-bag.

Mumbletypeg January 3, 2012 at 10:14 am

“Ron Paul’s secret plan to actually win.” BuzzFeed readers rate this theory “Win” over “Fail” … with “LOL” and “Cute” trailing. ..

Gotta give the congressman points for tenacity. He's like my ageing terrier when he spies a feline in the vicinity. He's gonna make the encounter happen just as R-Paul will make this victory a certainty — but neither of them would have a clue what the hell to do next, once the conquest has been secured between a befuddled brain and less-than-agile paws.

Come here a minute January 3, 2012 at 10:16 am

"One man brought his Bible to be autographed. And Mrs. Bachmann said she was delighted to do it."

She signed it "With love from Jesus' little sister".

BigDumbRedDog January 3, 2012 at 10:16 am

Tell me again why we care what this bunch a rednecks have to say? I might look to Iowa for advice on setting up a meth lab, or the best way to clean pig shit off my shoes, but that's about it.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 10:20 am

Because they're first. Despite both being a tiny, mostly rural and all-white farm state and using the ridiculous anti-democratic caucus system, that makes them matter, at least according to our illustrious media – who have made up about half the crowds at most of the candidate's speeches they've covered.

Biff January 3, 2012 at 11:05 am

So, to paraphrase Marshall McCluhan, the media is the message.
OMG, he was right!!1!

weejee January 3, 2012 at 10:21 am

Iowa do not be fooled by the mendacity of mediocrity. Though the assembled Rethug candidates may be dwarfs, they are a collective carbuncle on the arse of the body politic. Lance this hideous boil and write in the only real Repug and true Kochsucker, Scott Walker.

Naked_Bunny January 3, 2012 at 10:23 am

I'll be so glad when you people can go back to ignoring my state's Republican cocks.

GOPCrusher January 3, 2012 at 1:33 pm

And Ayatollah Vander Platts can go back to his Loess Hills cave and hide there for four more years.

VinnyThePooh January 3, 2012 at 10:25 am

The nation’s “independent” voters wait in anticipation for Iowa to provide them guidance. *snicker*

KeepFnThatChicken January 3, 2012 at 10:29 am

Was she channeling the LORD when she signed it? She better have been speaking in tongues.

Chichikovovich January 3, 2012 at 10:30 am

"the Iowa state GOP tells Talking Points Memo that misspellings will be counted."

The National GOP and the big money behind them have instructed the Iowa GOP that if they ever want to see the ethanol subsidy again, all of the following:

"Michele Bachmann", "Rick Santorum", "Ron Paul", "Newtie-Pootie-Blowmyflutie Gingrich" (and variants), "Whatshisname that other Mormon guy, not Romney", "Can I vote for Herman Cain? If so, count this as a vote for him.", "Fire Kirk Ferentz", "Ronald Reagan", "The guy who's married to Katy Perry" and "Anybody but Romney. Really, anybody, even the crazy-eyed lady"

must be counted as misspellings of "Mitt Romney".

HedonismBot January 3, 2012 at 11:50 am

I'd vote for Russell Brand for prez. Too bad he's British.

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 1:38 pm

"Newtie-Pootie-Blowmyflutie Gingrich"

I like this beyond all reason.

Chichikovovich January 3, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Hey, thanks. Glad you liked it. Though I regret that I didn't find a way to fit “french horn” in there.—

Naked_Bunny January 3, 2012 at 10:34 am

One man brought his Bible to be autographed

Probably a Democrat checking to see if Bachmann could write or would burst into flames on contact.

prommie January 3, 2012 at 10:34 am

My team of wisecrack researchers and pun-ologists are working on something that involves "felching" and Santorum, you guys are gonna love this one.

Salacious Crumb January 3, 2012 at 11:28 am

"And Santorum, its hour come round at last,
Felches towards Iowa to be born." ?

prommie January 3, 2012 at 11:44 am

"Santorum felches out a victory in Iowa?"

Geminisunmars January 3, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Felching is so 2009.

DaRooster January 3, 2012 at 10:41 am

“One man brought his Bible to be autographed. And Mrs. Bachmann said she was delighted to do it.”

Um… just who in the FUCK do you think you are Bitch?!? Get a grip.

jus_wonderin January 3, 2012 at 10:43 am

The FIT dude is back!!

user-of-owls January 3, 2012 at 10:43 am

if you’ll let us put on our prognosticator’s cap for just a moment (it looks a lot like Princess Beatrice’s)

I most certainly will not! I will, however, let you put on Queen Beatrix' hat.

HedonismBot January 3, 2012 at 11:53 am

Who needs the hat when you can just wear the box it came in!

user-of-owls January 3, 2012 at 10:44 am

There really should be a constitutional amendment banning sweater vests.

SorosBot January 3, 2012 at 10:58 am

He let himself down when he left the house wearing a sweater vest.

HedonismBot January 3, 2012 at 11:56 am

As long as Mr. Rodgers is given retroactive immunity, I'll allow it.

Chichikovovich January 3, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Frankly, U-O-O, this would have been a more courageous position to have taken before Saint James Tressel was terminated with extreme prejudice (= 5 years "show-cause") as coach of Ohio State.

sbj1964 January 4, 2012 at 5:01 am

Motion approved!

Goonemeritus January 3, 2012 at 10:50 am

Like many large state residences I have always resented the undo influence states like Iowa have in our political system. In this case however I am comforted by the fact that they really don’t pick the winner the merely winnow the field. Consider for a moment this crop of Republicans and ask your self can they really choose wrong when it comes to who goes away?

sbj1964 January 4, 2012 at 4:59 am

As long as Barry Obama wins who cares about this fields of losers?

BlueStateLibel January 3, 2012 at 10:51 am

Wow, this is some exciting horserace! Here's hoping they all break their legs and have to be put out of their misery!

Fukui_SanYesOta January 3, 2012 at 10:57 am

As they say at the Grand National – "The screens are up". Meaning some poor nag is getting the hot lead injection.

Would that it happened at the Iowa Caucus.

actor212 January 3, 2012 at 11:00 am

Iowa great debt to the liberal punditry who will feed me what I need to know about Iowa.

Dudleydidwrong January 3, 2012 at 11:02 am

I actually read the last part of your post as "to be greeted with a vibrator?" That makes more sense.

mrblifil January 3, 2012 at 11:08 am

Santorum thinks he's running for the Iowa Caucasians.

Radiotherapy January 3, 2012 at 11:14 am

He even hates black coffee.

sbj1964 January 4, 2012 at 4:57 am

Santorum, s even more Mormon than Mitt.

rocktonsam January 3, 2012 at 11:09 am

Chin up Iowa, only a few hours until the real Idiots Out Wandering Around will be gone.

sbj1964 January 4, 2012 at 4:55 am

The idiots in Iowa are native people.The Noble pink skins.

HedonismBot January 3, 2012 at 11:10 am

"One man brought his Bible to be autographed. And Mrs. Bachmann said she was delighted to do it."
Deere wingnut, keep fukking that chicken.
Sincerely,
Missus Jeebus

sbj1964 January 4, 2012 at 4:54 am

Who would Jesus vote for?President Obama he was like that.

Schmegeg January 3, 2012 at 11:24 am

Spelling doesn't count? I vote for Newton Leroy McPherson!

Dudleydidwrong January 3, 2012 at 11:35 am

Assuming there will still be a PBS, in 50 years someone will be on an Antiques Roadshow:

"And this Bible is signed by a GOP presidential candidate!"

"Which candidate signed it, Ma'am, and when?"

"Michele Bachmann, in 2012, in Drapeballs, Iowa."

"Sorry, that isn't worth a fucking thing."

sbj1964 January 4, 2012 at 4:52 am

Hopefully the Bible will be on the show along with a copy of Harry Potter.

4TheTurnstiles January 3, 2012 at 11:39 am

Meanwhile, Recall Fever has taken hold in the GoGo Swamp…
http://recallvincegray.com/

Harry_S_Truman January 3, 2012 at 11:44 am

Gotta love Mittens' idea that only he can lead the country, when after 4 years of campaigning and throwing millions of dollars at it, he's actually less popular in Iowa now than he was 4 years ago–and against these bozos?

Sad.

Really.

sbj1964 January 4, 2012 at 4:49 am

In the GOP Mitt is less popular than Herpes.

El Pinche_v2 January 3, 2012 at 11:47 am

We know Rick Perry loves the cockus.

sbj1964 January 4, 2012 at 4:48 am

Rick has left the building!Let Texas deal with him.

DerrickWildcat January 3, 2012 at 11:52 am

It must be ever so exciting to be a Iowanite today.

Geminisunmars January 3, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Today we are all Iowanites.

sbj1964 January 4, 2012 at 4:46 am

I would rather be french.Wait Iowanite?No french.Corn holers?

GOPCrusher January 3, 2012 at 1:40 pm

The highlight of the Democratic Caucus tonight will be a video conference with President Obama where we will be pumped up for the re-election campaign. Not near as impressive as meeting Mrs. Kuchinich in person.

sbj1964 January 4, 2012 at 4:43 am

Iowa ,and exciting are not two words that go together.

tessiee January 3, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Those cunts.

sbj1964 January 4, 2012 at 4:41 am

Those Cunts? What you know my ex-wives?

Jerri January 3, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Iowon't.

Bonghits4Jesus January 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Michele Bachmann autographed the Bible… She must be that author: that explains all those contradictions and fallacies.

sbj1964 January 4, 2012 at 4:39 am

Just the facts Mam! Joe Friday.

gurukalehuru January 3, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Misspellings count! Sheila Draculacunt for the win!

C_R_Eature January 3, 2012 at 7:38 pm

This song's been running through my head, periodically during our journey in this vast cultural wasteland that is the Republican Presidential primary. It must mean something:

"it's the Grand Parade of Lifeless Packaging
- All ready to use
it's the Grand Parade of Lifeless Packaging
- I just need a fuse."

C_R_Eature January 3, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Thanks for reminding me of that. Does "Lizard People" count as a misspelling?

sbj1964 January 4, 2012 at 4:38 am

Spell check bots one in every blog.English teachers must be under employed.

ttommyunger January 3, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Heh, heh, Matt; you said "penetrating", heh, heh.

sbj1964 January 4, 2012 at 4:35 am

Romney Wins? The Mormon magic underpants wearing Multi-millionare by 8 points.Wow, the Christians Fundie Right wing nuts must be coming unglued!

Eve8Apples January 3, 2012 at 11:00 am

"He seems to have a special case of writer's Tourette's that prevents him from drawing rational conclusions from rationally stated information."

The inability to draw rational conclusions from rationally stated information is the central philosophical underpinning of the modern GOP. They reject all science and reason but desperately cling to Jeebus magic, shiny guns, racism and Faux News voodoo economics.

Chichikovovich January 3, 2012 at 12:06 pm

I think David has crushes.

Hmmm….. ya think? I wonder what ever happened to John Thune, who received this open declaration of a "wide stance" from Brooks two years ago:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/13/opinion/13brook

This belongs on Craigs List rather than the Op-Ed page of a major newspaper.

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