WORST NEW YEAR'S GREETING EVER  12:09 am January 1, 2012

Richard Nixon and George Bush Sr. Wish You a Happy New Year!

by Ken Layne

Here comes 2012, everybody! Hopefully you’re not sitting in your office like Richard Nixon used to, while everybody else was smooching and drinking champagne or whatever, in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Consider this your Open Comment Thread for the first day of the last year of Earth.

PRO TIP: Marijuana is a lot better than champagne, especially the next morning.

 
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{ 495 comments }

DrunkIrishman January 1, 2012 at 12:10 am

Tricky Dick wanted to taste George's bush. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Barb January 1, 2012 at 12:11 am

Happy New Year, bitches!

HistoriCat January 1, 2012 at 8:14 am

Back at ya, you sassy kitten!

Barb January 1, 2012 at 11:32 am

I'm so happy that it is a new year that I would follow you around all day and head butt you.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Since you're apparently both cats, I'm not sure how that would work — but Happy New Year to all, and I hope it's better than the last.

Graham Cracker January 1, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Oooohhh! Cat fight

AlterNewt January 1, 2012 at 11:47 am

And to you, Barb.

Barb January 1, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Thank you!

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Happy New Year, sweet pretty lady! And HNY to Jeffers, too, and the kids and grandkids! Is that Pawleen in the pic?

Barb January 1, 2012 at 6:30 pm

That is Pawleen, yes. Happy New Year to you, too. I am hoping for 2012 to be a wonderful year.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 8:45 pm

From your lips straight to the ears of some benevolent powerful entity. NY hugs to all at the Pawleen household!

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 8:47 pm

And 100% Happy New year Marks to you +1 PAD!

Barb January 2, 2012 at 2:01 am

Oh God, Palinz! I feel completely shittified for lying to you. I don't have a pet. I live in the desert and I have hawks, large eagles and coyotes who eat the 200+ birds that I feed daily. I have Amazon ship me 12 lb bags of corn kernels every week and I make popcorn for my birdies and I give them water in the birdbath 4 times daily. I sit next to a window and watch the large predator birds swoop down and eat my baby birds and cringe.

"Pawleen" is a Fig Newton of my imagination and I wish I could own her and many others. You just can't do that in the desert of New Mexico. I can't "legally" kill the big bad birds. I have lots of Native American friends who can, lol. (they use the feathers in their religious rituals and are exempt from the laws)

After I have the surgery, I am going to go to a shelter and find a cat or dog and ask them, whisker to freckled face, "okay, will you stay in the house with Mommy?" They will get to sleep in the bed with me, help me with the tough words as I read my Kindle at night and, like me, they will pee pee a little on the carpet when daddy pulls into the garage after work.

chascates January 1, 2012 at 12:13 am

Here's hoping for a Bachmann-free America by spring!!

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 1, 2012 at 1:18 am

But plenty of Santorum for all!!!

OneDollarJuana January 1, 2012 at 11:58 am

Santorum is rising in Iowa.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 1, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Coming from behind!

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Ew, no. I'll take my buttsechs plain, thanks.

Loaded_Pants January 1, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Plain with no sauce, eh?

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Was it poncho_pilot who posted that chocolate sauce fountain clip? And I tried so hard to forget!

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I'll drink light up to that.

memzilla January 1, 2012 at 12:16 am

Happy New Year In Hell, Nixon!

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 12:47 am

Oh, I'm pretty sure he's partying it up with this guy.

Negligently_Joe January 1, 2012 at 1:02 am

So Nixon==Hoover with moar jowls?

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 1:11 am

I kind of doubt either of them spent much time sucking the beaver.

Rotundo_ January 1, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Bebe Rebozo and Roy Cohn and Tailgunner Joe McCarthy are all in the executive suites being eternally spit roasted along with Hitler and Tojo and a host of other celebs. If I believed in the concept, it would make me feel all warm and cozy at the thought, but all that's left of them is the evil done.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Can we revise this scenario so that Nixon is pepper sprayed by demons in tie-dyed hippie clothing and McCarthy is ass-raped by Satan (who then mouth-rapes Hitler immediately afterward) at least *some* of the time?

Biel_ze_Bubba January 1, 2012 at 5:17 pm

1. Eeew.
2. Why would you want them to be having such a good time?

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 5:58 pm

No happy new year for that motherfucker EVAH!

memzilla January 1, 2012 at 12:17 am

Here's wishing epic heights (or depths) of Snarque to my fellow Wonketteers for 2012!

HistoriCat January 1, 2012 at 8:16 am

Oooh – Snarque. Is that some fancy foreign snark or just a particular brand?

starfanglednut January 1, 2012 at 11:35 am

It's French, no doubt. Memzilla is a socialist!1!!

finallyhappy January 1, 2012 at 12:23 am

At my age, cake and decaf at 8 pm is about as much as I can handle. Also being up at midnight by choice- instead of one of the 3 or 4 times I wake up at night now. Hoping for stronger HRT in 2012 for me and whatever you want for you.

glasspusher January 1, 2012 at 1:13 am

No way I'm passing a drug test this coming week…not after I finished off the poppyseed roll.

deanbooth January 1, 2012 at 10:45 am

"I pulled an all-nighter" has a very different meaning at 16 than at 60.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 5:58 pm

No shit. (groan)

And all I had was a cherry soda. Usually it takes a quart of booze to feel this tired.

Loaded_Pants January 1, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Last night I thought I was watching fireworks but I was just staring at Christmas tree lights.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 8:48 pm

I know everybody says it, but I *mean* it: I want some of what you were smoking.

Jukesgrrl January 1, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Wishing you cool breezes and a government that won't get you hot under the collar.

ManchuCandidate January 1, 2012 at 12:27 am

I'm drunk as fuk and I don't care. Hope 2012 is a better year than 2011. I fucking hated 2011. So long muthafucking shitass year.

ifthethunderdontgetya January 1, 2012 at 2:40 am

I know just whatcha mean.

Happy,. Happy!
~

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 1, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Joy, joy…

mannacler January 1, 2012 at 8:08 am

Don't worry, be happy. 2012 will be shorter. The world ends in December.

HedonismBot January 1, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Let's hope.

HistoriCat January 1, 2012 at 8:17 am

A-fucking-men. Good riddance to a shitty year.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 12:50 pm

And in defiance of all the laws of probability, 2011 was a shitty year for *everybody* I know — friends, relatives, neighbors, the gal who cuts my hair — it was like a goddamn voodoo curse or something. Hopefully 2012 will be better.

Toomush_Infer January 2, 2012 at 8:47 am

Amen…

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 5:59 pm

(Hugs the Manchu) It better be better, 'cos we can't take anything worse!

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 12:28 am

Hey, it's still 2011 out here in flyover land. East coast elitism!!!!

finallyhappy January 1, 2012 at 12:34 am

When it is 2012 in DC, it is 2012 everywhere- just like everything else we do here.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:00 pm

We make our own reality. Isn't that what the Bushies said? Till reality came up and bit 'em all in the ass, anyway.

HNY, pdog! Snark on, my friend.

SayItWithWookies January 2, 2012 at 10:59 am

Sheeeeit, it's still 1911 here in the capital of the Confederacy. Happy new year anyway, though.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 7:02 pm

(Hugs the other Wookies) Happy New Year to you too!

AlterNewt January 1, 2012 at 12:29 am

Only 356 days till it's all over.
Happy New Year!

SheriffRoscoe January 1, 2012 at 12:30 am

Happy New Year! Or as Nixon would say, "Happy Jew Queer!"

SheriffRoscoe January 1, 2012 at 12:33 am

This is a recording of Dick drunk dialing GB cause Bebe was spending time with the missus.

littlebigdaddy January 1, 2012 at 12:35 am

Cheers to all my bros, jills, brahs, brosephs (I have run out of 20 something refs) etc. who have made a shitty year bearable. And go Michele! We need comedy to balance out the misery of our hobo-beans-eating lives!

Jukesgrrl January 1, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Right back at ya, homes.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:01 pm

And hugs in return, li'l big.

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 12:36 am

2011 exited with glittery Santorum!

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Jezus, I couldn't listen to those fat broads babbling on about Krischyun Vah-lyooz.

I wonder if any of them demonstrated those Christian values by staying up all day and part of the night cooking for sick neighbours and the needy and caring for them like our very own DBB does?

Neilist_Returns January 1, 2012 at 12:37 am

Dear Communist Liberal Pink SKum:

Happy One Year Closer To The Armed Uprising By Which This Great Country Finally Implodes Into The Weimer Republic, And Michele Von Bachmann Becomes . . . President For Life.

[If you're going down, go down in flames. It's that Gotterdammerung thing . . . .]

Shalom!

Neilist
Llving In A Trailer Park Near You, Counting The Days, The Child Molesters & Meth Heads Living Near Door, and His Ammunition

RavenRant January 1, 2012 at 1:21 am

You are reminding me of this song.

Happy New Year. Try to stick with inanimate targets for as long as possible.

imissopus January 1, 2012 at 2:53 am

I figured Neilist was running around Hollywood setting cars on fire, but then I read that the arsonist appears to be using Molotov cocktails, and I think Neilist would use live grenades.

Neilist_Returns January 1, 2012 at 11:24 am

White Phosphorous only: WILLY PETER MAKE YOU BELIEVER!

There are standards, after all, even for "auto de fe."

Particularly when the "autos" are Land Rovers and Bentleys.

Neilist_Returns January 1, 2012 at 11:28 am

Rant, the video was down, the only title reference was "R . . . "

But i figure it has to be "Revolution Blues," right?

Which starts, if memory serves:

"I live in a trailer at the edge of town.
Don't try to see me, 'cause I won't be around.
I've got 25 rifles, just to keep the population down . . . "

[Only 25? Gesh. What a pussy." ]

Sieg Bachmann!!!!

RavenRant January 1, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Yes. it was Revolution Blues.

Weird. The link worked last night. I played it before I linked it. Bastids.

"I'm a barrel of laughs
with my carbine on
I keep em hoppin
till the ammunition's gone
but I'm still not happy
feel like something's wrong"

Biel_ze_Bubba January 1, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Neil (or his lawyers) ruthlessly patrol the intertubes.

Just about the only decent cover: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGVbWtGF0r0

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:06 pm

You've been drinking. It's "PinkO scum," thankyewverymuch. Also "Living NEXT Door," unless you're only targeting the Near population.

Happy New Year's, anyway, and may it treat you better than the old one did, regardless of how well it treated you.

not that Dewey January 1, 2012 at 7:03 pm

I thought it was Pink O'Scum.

RavenRant January 1, 2012 at 9:56 pm

I thought it was "worthly Wokette skum."

And who can forget "This entire blog can be shipped to Afghanistan, no one has lost any"

Good times.

Spurning Beer January 1, 2012 at 12:38 am

My fellow assholes,

May this be the year that racism, conservative culture warfare, anti-abortion crusading, greed apologetics, corporation idolatry, xenophobia, and environmental piggishness become socially unacceptable.

May snark become passe, or at least more difficult to practice. (Think Molly Ivins and Richard Pryor in heaven.)

With best wishes for a good-humored and peaceful New Year,
Spurning Beer

Radiotherapy January 1, 2012 at 1:08 am

You fucking evil liberal. I hope the New Year brings the wrath of Jeebus and his strong willed daddy psycho upon thee — and the Holy spirit brings three. Or the Mayan prophecy — crap they didn't even know buttsechs don't bring you fetus/persons, butt their calender ended last year or some shit like that.
Baruch HaShem y'all.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:10 pm

I forget if I gave you my New Year's Commemorative Hug last night (a lot of the Sacred Herb was consumed), so if not, here go ().

glasspusher January 1, 2012 at 1:18 am

Call me an asshole…one more time…

Keep fighting the good fight, and snarking the good snark, to make the world a better place. I tell my (now 13 year old) son that my wish is that in a few hundred years they might consider someone like me to be one of the more enlightened barbarians.

user-of-owls January 1, 2012 at 1:46 pm

And to I. And I. Jah love brudda.

"Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts; put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!"

–Bob "Zvi" Marley

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:08 pm

(Hugs Spurning Beer) I refuse to be classed with the other ani of your acquaintance, but I agree with all your wishes. Have another hug, as and when needed.

Spurning Beer January 1, 2012 at 11:01 pm

Ooh, thank you, baby. You give good hug.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 12:25 am

(Hugs the Beer once again) You funny.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 10:59 pm

"My fellow assholes"

Just for the record:
I am *not* an asshole. I may be a smart-ass, a fat-ass, a lazy ass — and occasionally, when it's absolutely necessary, a nasty-ass — but not an asshole. Please make a note of it.

Also, Molly Ivins and Richard Pryor would die of boredom (ya see what I did there?) in Heaven. They're in Heck with the rest of the cool kids.

Best wishes back to you, and such, also.

Spurning Beer January 2, 2012 at 7:51 am

tessiee, I meant no disrespect. Assholes have an undeserved bad reputation. Where would we be without ani? Some creatures don't have them, and it can be sad:

The anusless jellyfish, Dave,
Was dashing, and handsome, and brave.
His onus, alas,
Was the lack of an ass
And the teasing the mollusks all gave.

-By Tim Alborn

Spurning Beer January 2, 2012 at 7:54 am

Also by Prof. Alborn:

Aproctous, the jellyfish whined:
"By the mollusk I'm often maligned.
It's hardly so heinous,
My lack of an anus—
Perhaps I should sting his behind."

Joshua Norton January 1, 2012 at 12:40 am

Wait. What? Is the War on Christmas over? Who won?

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 12:49 am

Tim Pawlenty?

Oh, that was a question, not a statement.

Spurning Beer January 1, 2012 at 12:53 am

Yes, Tiny Tim won. God blessed him, every one.

MissNancyPriss January 1, 2012 at 4:10 am

the good guys did. :)

Steverino247 January 1, 2012 at 4:13 am

We did. We kicked Christmas' ASS, baby!

Biel_ze_Bubba January 1, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Christmas: gone. Us: still here.
Any questions?

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Yes. Did I give you a New Year's Hug? I think not.

Here's one to make up for it and another for forgetting. (())

Happy New Year's, Biely. Thanks for keeping my spirits up through the worst of times, you snarky li'l devil, you.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 1, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Thanks. Sorry about the burn marks.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Happy New Year's, Steverino! And a New Year's Hug to you!

HistoriCat January 1, 2012 at 8:20 am

Hitler? Oh – sorry. Wrong "who" question.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:13 pm

'Scuse me, I think I forgot to blow on your hairy kitty belly for New Year's.

(Hugs the HistoriCat) It's been wonderful knowing you, and I hope this continues for many years more.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Everybody lost.

DaRooster January 1, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Corporation CEOs?

Negropolis January 2, 2012 at 1:25 am

The corporations; who else?

Mort_Sinclair January 1, 2012 at 12:40 am

Okay, bedroom, Bush, Sr. , and Nixon. Ugh. I'll have to squeeze my eyes and legs shut all night after that association. Thanks, Ken. Happy New Year to you, too.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Poor you. Here's a hug to console you for your suffering. And may your new year be better than any you've ever had, so far.

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 12:44 am

Happy New Years to all the Wankers at the Wonkette !! You guys are the best !!

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Happy New Year to you too, sbj.

Golfing_OJ January 1, 2012 at 12:50 am

East Coast inna HOOOOUUUSE.
Happy New Year muthafuggahs! Timepieces are fascinating machines, never forget!

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:14 pm

New year's hug. ()

Sharkey January 1, 2012 at 12:51 am

You're telling me?!

iburl January 1, 2012 at 12:52 am

On 12/21/12 the 13th b'ak'tun will end and the 14th will begin and the doomsayers will be very rich men. In reality, Earth's complete collapse as a human-viable biosphere is at least 5 years off.

Biff January 1, 2012 at 1:15 am

Sure worked out for Harold Camping, so it must be true!

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 12:53 am

Marijuana is a lot better than champagne, especially the next morning.

I think Tricky Dick might agree.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:16 pm

All I can say is your head don't hurt NEAR as much.

ChernobylSoup January 1, 2012 at 12:55 am

What could possibly go wrong in a year that starts off with a handful of Iowan evangelicals exerting undue influence over a major party's nominee for commander in chief?

SudsMcKenzie January 1, 2012 at 3:53 am

True, we will start the year with a high water mark of Santorum. However, I look forward to seeing the emergence of Sarah Palins third chin, Chuck Grassley's tweets, and Chris Mathew's inevitable on air cardial infarction. I guess I'm just an optimist.

Jukesgrrl January 1, 2012 at 4:53 pm

And Scott Walkers ass in the street, yo!

SudsMcKenzie January 2, 2012 at 12:04 am

word

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:18 pm

I'm fervently hoping Mitt will kack in the middle of his campaign. Unlikely, I know, but I just can't think of any other way to get this irritating, smarmy, perennial-candidateBot to get off the fucking National Stage for GOOD!

Happy New Year, Suds. And a New Year's hug to ya.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Happy New Year, Chernobyl. And a hug, while I'm about it.

Joshua Norton January 1, 2012 at 12:57 am

It isn't midnight in San Fran yet. I'm at a party playing with my new Samsung smart phone. Still haven't quite got the hang of the slide-out keyboard. 4 glasses of champagne isn't helping, either.

That said, I do wish you all a good 2012. Happy New Year!

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 1:00 am

And may your Empire prosper in the New Year!

Jukesgrrl January 1, 2012 at 4:54 pm

May there be more San Francisco values for all of us in the new year. Cheers!

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Happy New Year, Emperor! And many hugs of the day.

PocketsTheClown January 1, 2012 at 1:02 am

Thanks again, o great god of comedy, for bringing Wonkette into my life. I've never had vodka come out my nose as I burst forth with laughter, and I now know what it means to "yiff it". Trucknutz, also.

Jukesgrrl January 1, 2012 at 4:55 pm

All clowns welcome here. Cheers!

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Happy New Year, Pockets. () <— Hug.

Extemporanus January 1, 2012 at 1:03 am

Happy New Year, Ken.

The understaffed humor hospice that is our Wonkette just wouldn't be the same without you, your tireless angels of mercy, and — most importantly — my fellow fist-afflicted terminal snark-sacks who check in here to die, laughing, year after miserable fucking year.

Barb January 1, 2012 at 1:20 am

You are such a cunning linguist.

mrblifil January 1, 2012 at 1:27 am

Whereas I had always imagined "Barb" to be a stunning cunt.

Barb January 1, 2012 at 1:34 am

OMG, lol!

Extemporanus January 1, 2012 at 2:30 am

And the things that come out of your mouth could fill a show.

Barb January 1, 2012 at 3:39 am

We should get together and write a book, seriously.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:20 pm

I'll drink to that (where is that cold, mungy tea?) And a hug to you, Extemporanus, and a hug to Ken as well. Happy New Year, y'all.

Negligently_Joe January 1, 2012 at 1:03 am

2011 sucked and I don't actually have high hopes for 2012, but I'm way too drunk to care.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 1, 2012 at 1:05 am

Weed may be be better than champagne for avoiding a hangover, but add a little St. Germain to the champagne and someone is bound to be on their back with you in the guest bedroom.

It's that vs. eating all the hors d'oeuvres by yourself from the munchies.

We report, you decide.

Happy Y2K12 everyone!

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 12:58 pm

"eating all the hors d'oeuvre from the munchies."

"Somebody answered the phone and said you didn't live there anymore,
and it was your Mom!
Went to a party,
Ate all the 'dervs,
And we're a bad trip"

Camper van Beethoven, "we're a bad trip"

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Happy huggy New Year's to you, Bonzo!

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 1, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Remember kids, hugs not drugs!

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Yeah! (throws in another hug)

Edited to add: Oh, leave me my fucking drugs, srsly. I need 'em.

the_problem_child January 1, 2012 at 1:07 am

Love you, wonkette. Consider yourself kissed. 2012 is only two hours and a few minutes old here and I'm in a kissing mood.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:24 pm

Well, since I'm not particular about gender of recipient, here's your New Year's hug and kiss!

Negligently_Joe January 1, 2012 at 1:09 am

Besides which, champagne is for the 1%ers and those with reason to celebrate the past year's achievements, and pot is for the DFHs.

Which side are you on?

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:24 pm

I *know* you didn't need to ask *that* question. (Lights up)

Radiotherapy January 1, 2012 at 1:11 am

Aren't all our threads open threads?

Biff January 1, 2012 at 1:24 am

Stay on topic, damnit!

Radiotherapy January 1, 2012 at 2:28 am

OK, Nixon was Gay.

HistoriCat January 1, 2012 at 8:23 am

Occupy Wonkette.

bagofmice January 1, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Wonkette got bought out, sploid got, Uhm… Folded out?

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Hey, bagofmice! Happy New Year! (Hugs the whole damn bag)

user-of-owls January 1, 2012 at 1:55 pm

If by "threads" you mean "clothes", then yes, all our threads are open. And that's a good thing. Mostly.

bagofmice January 1, 2012 at 5:34 pm

It does improve the user accessibility experience.

Limeylizzie January 1, 2012 at 1:17 am

Happy New Year from the hills of Hollywood where the arson is bringing down the house. What would I do without the Wonkette, I'm kissing all of you in about an hour and a half.

user-of-owls January 1, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Burn baby, burn. With desire of course.

Hugs and matchsticks, your friend Me.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Hey, baby!~ Happy New Year to you and Mr. Limeylizzie, and big floofy hugs and kisses to Neville (or is it *really* Trevor?).

Limeylizzie January 2, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Happy New Year darling, it really is Neville, Trevor is the foster cat I have when I am in NYC.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 9:33 pm

He looks *just* like Neville! I have a sudden overpowering desire to adopt him.

I must resist. No new beasts till I can at least take care of me.

How old is he?

Limeylizzie January 2, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Neville is the Ginger Tom, Trevor is a little Tuxedo, not sure which cat you are looking at, but the orange boy is my beloved and challenged Neville.

Biff January 1, 2012 at 1:20 am

Time for another 750m Lortab, hope it's good for allayouse guys, too.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Geezus, WTF are you doing taking that shit? What happened? You OK?

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 1, 2012 at 1:22 am

Let's all just keep fucking that chicken.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:30 pm

No thanks. They poop, pee, lay eggs, and fuck through the same aperture. And I'd rather have my eggs poached than scrambled.

Happy New Year, Lionel[redacted]! (Hugs the bourbon-drinker hard)

ChernobylSoup January 1, 2012 at 1:23 am

Prediction time:

1. Nominee Romney picks Pawlenty for VP, loses bad in November.
2. Bunch of old white people say terribly racist things.
3. George Lucas sees error of his ways, apologizes, still gets thrown out cargo door during Virgin Galactic's maiden voyage.
4. Kate Beckinsale sees error of her ways, moves in with me.
5. Nate Silver loses it, kills everyone at Rassmusen with a slide rule.

Spurning Beer January 1, 2012 at 8:47 am

6. Sarah Palin announces her salmon-based fragrance, Midnight Sun.
7. Sarah Palin hawks flag pins on HSN.
8. Child Protective Services takes custody of Willow, Elbow, and Adverb Palin.
9. R. Kelly attempts a come-back by endorsing the Tea Party and publishing a memoir, Wee-wee The People.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 1:18 pm

"Child Protective Services takes custody of Willow, Elbow, and Adverb Palin."

However, Marshmallow, Treetop, Garage, and Turd Palin are allowed to remain with their "mother" and continue their job as campaign/anti-choice props.

AlterNewt January 1, 2012 at 1:20 pm

10. Kate Beckinsale opens Intense Debate account.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Bunch of old white people say terribly racist things, then waffle and fumfer and issue some sort of "taken out of context" disclaimer, then do anything whatsoever that is NOT apologizing.

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 1:24 am

My New Years resolution has been the same for 25 years.I will not climb Mount Everest this year.And try not to masturbate as much as I did last year.Like I can keep that up forever?

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 1:19 pm

A few years back, I resolved to stop making resolutions. It seems to be working out so far.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:32 pm

You could do like Young Mormons do and strap your wrists to the bed every night. (Kinky!)

Loaded_Pants January 1, 2012 at 8:41 pm

I try to masturbate more each year. When I'm old, they're just going to love me at the home.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 7:11 pm

They'll make you wear a plastic poncho.

Lionel[redacted]Esq January 1, 2012 at 1:28 am

Wise words from M. Layne. As one crappy year ends, let us all look forward to the fact that if all goes right, the world is done for next December.

RavenRant January 1, 2012 at 1:30 am

Glad to see the end of 2011, but I'm afraid that 2012 will challenge my sanity and my liver with the never-ending Lovecraftian horror of the Republican Goat Rodeo.

Happy New Year, Wonketteers!

Dashboard Buddha January 1, 2012 at 10:58 am

"Lovecraftian horror of the Republican Goat Rodeo."

I think we're going to see a lot of that phrase.

RavenRant January 1, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Glad to be of service. Cthulhu/Marceaux 2012!

Happy New Year, DB!

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Happy New Year, DB. (Hugs DB)

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Happy New Year, sweet pretty lady! (Hug)

RavenRant January 1, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Hugs back at ya, PAD. All good things for you in 2012!

New Year's Resolution: Help each other to maintain what's left of our sanity, and make sure the snark tanks are topped off at all times.

johnnyzhivago January 1, 2012 at 1:34 am

Christie/Snookie 2016!!!

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 1:41 am

I'd be afraid to stand on their platform.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Snooki/Christie, because why not put the more intelilgent, attractive, and charismatic person as the front-runner?

UW8316154 January 1, 2012 at 3:43 pm

But is Christie young enough and attractive enough to be the husband of a president?

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Of COURSE not. That's why HE's running, instead of his wife.

Happy New Year, and here's your hug. ()

Dashboard Buddha January 1, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Fat libel!

mrblifil January 1, 2012 at 1:35 am

So… two of the most hated, hateful people this nation has ever produced exchange meaningless pleasantries while masking their horrible insecurities and loneliness. And this is how fucking Wonkette wants me to start the brand new year. And here sit I having lapped it up with a spoon. Richard Nixon, ca. 1971. Thanks, Wonkette. Thanks. For fucking nothing.

I suppose it falls to me, for the sake of logical consistency, to now attempt to beat off to old pictures of Jason Robards. I'll let you know how it turns out.

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 1:44 am

Silly me, and I always thought Dick and Bush together meant hot lovin', not hate.

Steverino247 January 1, 2012 at 4:17 am

Robards backs Woodstein and Nixon resigns. Happy ending!

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 1:23 pm

"two of the most hated, hateful people this nation has ever produced exchange meaningless pleasantries while masking their horrible insecurities and loneliness."

I'd feel much better if I believed for one second that either of them had horrible insecurities and loneliness, but I suspect that they both thought they were just jim-dandy, and it never occurred to either of them to have insecurities, or even a smidgen of honest humility or self-doubt. You could tell that by every smirk, every gesture, every word that came out of their miserable, self-satisfied mouths.
Then again, one of them at least has the decency to be dead and in Hell now.

Biff January 1, 2012 at 1:35 am

I think I'ma just sit here in my Forever Lazy® footie/hoodie and just veg out for the year. What could possibly go wrong…

Jukesgrrl January 1, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Let's hope that Forever Lazy® is fire-proof. We want you around for 2012.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:38 pm

What Jukesgrrl said, dammit.

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 1:37 am

In the New Year, I resolve to:

1. Drink less.
2. No, no, I meant drink more.
3. OK, drink as much as possible, more or less.
4. Put the moves on Sara Benincasa at her book signing in Denver in March. Get her drunk. And me drunk. And pass out before anything happens.
5. Hold my nose, vote for Barry for Preznit, and drink a lot, lot more election night. And party like it's 1789.

Geminisunmars January 1, 2012 at 2:46 am

Will she be at the Tattered?

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 4:05 am

I believe so, but I'll have to double-check.

Guppy January 1, 2012 at 7:55 am

"And party like it's 1789."

Expecting a Ron Paul victory?

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 1:26 pm

"And party like it's 1789"

Do you go to UNC?

Doktor Zoom January 1, 2012 at 1:53 am

Where's my Jew?

user-of-owls January 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Are we supposed to get one for New Years? And more importantly, where's my jet pack?? They promised us jet packs!! Grrr.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 2:03 pm

When are we gonna get our mountain bikes??!!

user-of-owls January 1, 2012 at 2:32 pm

No, really, the more I think about it, the more Dok makes sense. I want my New Year's Jew, dammit!

Loaded_Pants January 1, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Me, too. They are sooo cute.

RavenRant January 1, 2012 at 9:47 pm

I would like a jetpack, a flying car, a transporter, a replicator and/or a holodeck. Any one of those things would be lovely.

But what I NEED is that Jetson's contraption where you stagger out of bed with your eyes closed, stumble onto the treadmill, and come out the other side showered, perfumed, dressed, coiffed, made-up, and WIDE AWAKE.

Robot servants would also be helpful.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Happy New Year, Dok. (Hugs the Dok)

Edited to add: And a very HNY to your lady-love, too.

BarackMyWorld January 1, 2012 at 2:15 am

I'm making plans for next New Year's Eve: Stay up all night watching stupid prediction movies about this year and laugh at how wrong they were.

DerrickWildcat January 1, 2012 at 2:31 am

Everybody will be very happy because 2012 will be a pretty good year. I can just feel it.

I promise to be a better person to other people and to be a better friend to all animals. (even the ones that bite and sting)

Happy New Year!

HedonismBot January 1, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Animals are usually a lot cooler than people anyway.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Happy New Year, Derrick! Hugs to you, sweetie.

I don't know how you can get much better, but you can certainly try.

DerrickWildcat January 2, 2012 at 12:50 am

I hug you back more.

I still have bad thoughts sometimes so there is still work to do.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 12:55 am

Thanks. Let me know if you find out how to not have bad thoughts. I have LOTS of problems with that. I wish the people who make me think those thoughts would disappear into a cornfield and end the problem, but there you go. They just won't cooperate. (Hugs Derrick once more)

ifthethunderdontgetya January 1, 2012 at 2:43 am

Happy Happy from my current location, which is W.V.

People were shooting off their shootin' irons for 1 1/2 hours before midnight rolled around…
~

e_z January 1, 2012 at 8:36 am

Sitting here in the eastern panhandle of WVa, reading wonkette, pounding down the coffee and watching a deer bonkng the bird feeder by the patio to steal black oil sunflower seeds from the assorted cold birds.

Deer, nothing but fucking Wood Rats…

Biff January 1, 2012 at 11:49 am

Deer. Tasty, tasty deer.

HedonismBot January 1, 2012 at 4:20 pm

You got it. No deer for a month.

Rotundo_ January 1, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Rats? No, they would have to develop some skills to make it to rat level. I tend to think of them as goats with the brains of houseflies. Really pretty things, but they don't have the tiniest bit of intellectual functioning at all. They eat, screw, and get hit by cars because they evidently think that the supreme deer is taking them to deer heaven or something when they see the headlights. They're the fundamentalists of the animal kingdom… At least venison is tasty if prepared right.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 1:27 pm

"People were shooting off their shootin' irons for 1 1/2 hours before midnight rolled around… "

They do that here, too. I always wonder what happens to the bullets when they come down.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Happy New Year, thunder! For the first time since EVAH, my fuckin' neighbours weren't scaring the shit out of the old ladies in the neighbourhood by firing off their other pistols. Must've all headed out by your end of the swamp for the holidays. (Hugs thunder)

Geminisunmars January 1, 2012 at 2:53 am

Wonkette, don't fail me now. I think the only way I'll be surviving 2012 is to find refuge here, away from all the republicaning primary and all the electioneering that will be flung about this coming year. I cannot believe that they have this disgusting group of primates as their selection. All we can do is har har har while they deep throat their corn dogs. Thank you, Ken. Keep it up, in all senses.

HistoriCat January 1, 2012 at 8:27 am

this disgusting group of primates as their selection

I think you're being too generous there – no way all of them are primates.

user-of-owls January 1, 2012 at 2:00 pm

This is why we never should have given women the right to vote. They are too emotional.

tee hee

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 9:01 pm

Happy New Year, darling girl! (Hugs Geminisunmars)

Geminisunmars January 2, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Hey, I sent a reply thru email and see that it didn't get here. So Happy New Year and Gear to you, Sweet Boy. Hope that knee of yours of all better now.

(How about for New Year's you change your name – I can't call you Dummy or Palinz — although they have the same meaning. I know, I'll just call you Pal.)

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 7:17 pm

(Hugs that special wonderful gal) Hope the pups got their NY treats and prezzies! Knee's still not that great. It would help if I would be better about taking the fucking painkillers, but they make it so hard to think that I just keep "forgetting." Eh. Gotta take one now and pass out. I'll work on the name change when I get up.

Geminisunmars January 2, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Hugs back, sweet boy. Hope that knee is well on its way to full recuperation.

imissopus January 1, 2012 at 2:56 am

My resolutions for the New Year: to find a couple of handicapped lesbian dwarves for a threesome. And also to floss more. And to make sure the whiskey does not run out before midnight next New Year's Eve. Happy New Year!

Guppy January 1, 2012 at 7:55 am

Are those two resolutions related?

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 9:03 pm

You're a very sick individual. I hope the coming year brings you all the things you wish for (except maybe the handicapped lesbian dwarves, unless they REALLY want you for a threesome). (Hugs imissopus cautiously)

Numbat_Dundee January 1, 2012 at 3:11 am

Expletive Deleted

Spurning Beer January 1, 2012 at 8:53 am

Expletive deleted by the fucking administrator.

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Thanks, I fucking needed that.

donner_froh January 1, 2012 at 3:45 am

May 2012 be the year in which sharia is made the law of the land in the United States of Amerikkka.

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 4:52 am

♫ Sharia!
We've just set a law named Sharia.
And suddenly the shame
Will start a game of blame,
Tee hee!

Sharia!
We've just blessed a law named Sharia.
And suddenly we frowned
As justice ran aground
You see!

Sharia!
Say it loud and there's much doomsaying,
Say it soft and it's almost betraying.

Sharia,
We'll never stop playing Sharia!

The most wrathful hellhound ever pondered.
Sharia. ♫

V572 the Merciless January 1, 2012 at 11:33 am

Allahu akbar! Well done!

Dudleydidwrong January 1, 2012 at 12:20 pm

That's what Ahmed sang to Ayesha. Sweet and touching. Somehow that makes me very hopeful about the future.

But this gets me really stirred up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DbFYsi9iSg

angerbear January 1, 2012 at 3:50 am

Judging by the explosions I've been hearing in all directions for the past hour, either the Mayan apocalypse has come early or the local Tea Partiers are "reaching consensus" on their primary candidate of choice.

SudsMcKenzie January 1, 2012 at 3:56 am

All of those Presidents look like they could use a Fresca.

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 5:13 am

If by "Fresca" you mean " 220-volt anal probe"

user-of-owls January 1, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Or better yet, a Tang!

Steverino247 January 1, 2012 at 4:24 am

May your Creeping Sharia blossom and fill your lives with happy flowers. May the Republican Party implode right about…NOW! May my house remodel finally end. May the comments of Barb, Liz and Ms. Taken continue to cause our naughty bits to tingle from afar. May we continue to be as witty as can be in the new year. May I be able to ask the President to pass the salt sometime soon because I've got a few things to talk to him about, believe me, if I win that dinner contest.

MiniMencken January 1, 2012 at 5:24 am

Just goes to show, Dick Nixon was a regular guy, if you consider a paranoid crypto-fascist evil turd of a patsy of the racist-corporate shill faction of the American ruling class to be a regular guy. Just sayin'.

HedonismBot January 1, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Smarter than any of the current crop of teatards representing his party. And Nixon was more liberal than Obama, too. WTF happened?

paris biltong January 1, 2012 at 5:58 am

Re. that Champagne vs grass thing, it may be true if you're just using, but the reverse applies if you're engaged in commerce. Just a caveat.
Other than that, best wishes to all Wonketteers from fast sinking Euroland.

UW8316154 January 1, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Does "commerce" therefore make you a job creator? Yay, you!

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 6:02 am

News FLASH !! Tim Tebow made a deal with scratch at a cross road in Mississippi to become a famous football player,and the only way he can get his soul back is a Guitar dual on a PlayStation.Note: Obscure movie reference no one will get.The flashing red light on my palm is distracting.Siolent Green is People! Get your Filthy Ape hands off me! It's good to be the King.Welcome to the Party Pal! And Vankman your girlfriend is a dog.WTF? it's 4:30am who you going to call?

Boojum_Reborn January 1, 2012 at 11:30 am

Run, Logan!

bagofmice January 1, 2012 at 5:46 pm

What is up with your keyboard? Some people double space after a period. Your keyboard spaces after an exclamation and a colon, but no spaces after a period. It's like a weird bidi issue. Arabic? Hebrew? Insanely strict vertical Japanese?

freakishlywrong January 1, 2012 at 6:31 am

It's Sunday, why the fuck am I awake already? I didn't get my time machine, so it looks like I'll have to get through another god forsaken election year with my fantastic pretend internet friends on the Wonket.
Let's roll, bitches!

Dashboard Buddha January 1, 2012 at 10:54 am

I did a quick tally and I find that I have more "pretend internet friends" than actual flesh and blood types – it's close…but more is more. Somehow this works for me.

Biff January 1, 2012 at 11:57 am

For me, it ain't even close. Being surrounded by republicans and Paultards has pushed me deeper into my cave, only to emerge when the pantry is empty.

Dudleydidwrong January 1, 2012 at 12:24 pm

And it is fucking leap year to boot. Who decreed (that Augustus Caesar Nixon guy?) that every election year is also a leap year? Or is it the other way around? Why do we have to add another year to this moronic mess? Huh?

Biff January 1, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Caesar, in his infinite wisdom, knew we'd never get that 1st Tuesday in November back, so he gave us February 29th.

bagofmice January 1, 2012 at 5:49 pm

If you want to peek at the madness behind the method, check this out.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Computus

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 1:38 pm

"I didn't get my time machine"

Things To Do with Time Machine:
1. Go back to 1969 and copyright "Stairway to Heaven".
2. Go back to 1968 and have sex with Jimi Hendrix.
3. Go back to about age 20, when I thought I was ugly as sin, and appreciate how cute I was. Bitch slap a few of the guys I dated back in those days.
4. Go back to whenever it was that I lit that first cigarette, remember how tough it was to quit for good, and put that sucker right back in the pack.
5. All those times when I thought of the perfect answer/comeback but only *after* it was too late? I wrote them all down and I'M READY!

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Here's your HNY hug, freakish.

ttommyunger January 1, 2012 at 6:50 am

6:43 on a Sunday morning, the day after New Year's Eve, and I'm parboiling my 'nads with a laptop perusing the Wonkette. How fucking sad is that? Oh well, everybody's got to be somewhere, and I'm here with y'all. BTW, I'm glad you all are here with me; you have no idea how much wisdom, insight, humor and malevolent joy you add to my otherwise mundane existence; thank you, Staff and Wonketeers, and my God richly bless you in this new year, whoever that may be to you.

HistoriCat January 1, 2012 at 8:30 am

Thanks ttommy – and the same to you.

cheaphits January 1, 2012 at 9:04 am

Like he said.

AlterNewt January 1, 2012 at 11:14 am

Thanks. Happy New Year to you as well, ttommy.

HedonismBot January 1, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Happy new year to you as well!

snackypants January 1, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Can't say it better than that. Back at you one and all!

freakishlywrong January 1, 2012 at 1:35 pm

"parboiling your 'nads" has won the day.

ttommyunger January 3, 2012 at 1:26 am

I would give credit if I could remember who I stole that from, but thanks.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 10:26 pm

A very happy New Year to you, ttommy. And many, many hugs of the day.

ttommyunger January 2, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Thanks, and backatcha!

Tsunami Ali January 1, 2012 at 7:18 am

Thanks, Wonkett, for helping me through my first sober new year's since I was 15. God love you all and keep you safe in 2012.

(sorry, it's 7 fucking 15 in the morning, I just woke up, and I cannot muster the snark)

ProgressiveInga January 1, 2012 at 10:00 am

Hey TA, no snark necessary and welcome to January 1st without a throbbing headache, cotton mouth, regrets about saying that thing to that girl last night, etc…..This is my 21st grateful, sober new year's day and F*CK! I'm old….

Happy New Year and may the snark be with you when you're ready!

~Inga~

Tsunami Ali January 1, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Thanks! I've been lurking more than contributing but knowing y'all are here snarking it up 24/7 has been truly a comfort.

Biff January 1, 2012 at 12:01 pm

It gets easier. 22nd one in a row, here…

Tsunami Ali January 1, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Good to know some of my fellow Wonketteers are sober – I can always pretend to be a rip-roaring drunk, tho', because internetz.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 1:45 pm

"my first sober new year's since I was 15"

A tip of the sesquipidalian tiara to you, good sir or madam.

UW8316154 January 1, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Congratulations, TA!

Jukesgrrl January 1, 2012 at 5:15 pm

As another Wonketeer who celebrates with non-alcoholic bevvies, I welcome you to the club. Biff and Inga are correct, it does get easier. Wishing you strength and hope in the new year. And we're here anytime you need a laugh. You don't have to snark.

ProgressiveInga January 1, 2012 at 5:56 pm

We'll snark you 'til you can snark yourself. Or something?

not that Dewey January 1, 2012 at 5:16 pm

What Ali said.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Not needed. Here's your hug. And congratulations on your achievement!

Tsunami Ali January 2, 2012 at 7:39 am

Thanks again to you and everyone!

Harry_S_Truman January 1, 2012 at 7:18 am

As goes 2011, so goes our chances of seeing Marcus Bachmann as First Lady. Shit.

Bluestatelibel January 1, 2012 at 8:10 am

I predict Nature will continue to step up her war on humanity: this morning Japan's already been hit by a 7.0 earthquake (no one hurt – yet). I wish you all a happy New Year and the good luck to stay out of Her path. Cheers!

BarackMyWorld January 1, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Japanese earthquake? Again?

I hate reruns.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 10:29 pm

And a New Year's Hug to you too.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Yay, I think. And a happy New Year's hug to you.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 1, 2012 at 8:23 am

"Marijuana is a lot better than champagne, especially the next morning."

Now you tell me… groan.
Happy New Year Libtards. May a Supreme Court Justice, of your choice, be caught with his pants down in an inapropriate sex act of a disgusting nature.

Geminisunmars January 1, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Shouldn't that be "with his or her pants down"?

Jukesgrrl January 1, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Naw, the wimmins aren't the problem. I'd be super-satisfied with Thomas demonstrating his devotion to Alito in a bathroom stall anywhere.

And, thanks, Mon. Grumpe, that's the best new year's wish I've heard yet.

HedonismBot January 1, 2012 at 1:16 pm

How about Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, Alito and Kennedy, caught all together with their pants down and engaging in a collective inappropriate sex act of a disgusting nature? Out with all five of them at once. What a great way to start the new year!

HarryButtle January 1, 2012 at 9:30 pm

That makes for a pretty disgusting image…but in the interest of humanity I'll allow it and hope it comes to pass.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Oh, joy!

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 1:46 pm

"May a Supreme Court Justice, of your choice, be caught with his pants down in an inapropriate sex act of a disgusting nature."

Anything involving Fat Tony with his pants down is by definition disgusting.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Thank you, Grumpe, and here's another dozen hugs just in case I missed you earlier, or you have cats, or sump'n.

C_R_Eature January 1, 2012 at 8:47 am

Nixon. So we’re starting off the New Year with Nixon. Seems appropriate, considering what we’ve been through last year.
Well, as my January 1st morning gift to all you Wonketteers, here’s a link to the Good Doctor Hunter S. Thompson’s magnificent 1994 eulogy to Nixon.
He Was A Crook
And here’s a tasty bit, right now, to cheer you :
”If the right people had been in charge of Nixon's funeral, his casket would have been launched into one of those open-sewage canals that empty into the ocean just south of Los Angeles. He was a swine of a man and a jabbering dupe of a president. Nixon was so crooked that he needed servants to help him screw his pants on every morning. Even his funeral was illegal. He was queer in the deepest way. His body should have been burned in a trash bin.”
There were few who could weaponize the English language quite like HST

Spurning Beer January 1, 2012 at 9:03 am

Really? I never thought of Harry S Truman as a great wordsmith.

Then again, I never thought Elvis was especially articulate, but people still refer to "The King's English."

C_R_Eature January 1, 2012 at 9:50 am

(Snorts Coffee on Keyboard) Thank you *Chortle*

cheaphits January 1, 2012 at 9:05 am

Like he said.

BelleSC January 1, 2012 at 9:12 am

Everything funny and snarky that everyone has already said so far except the part about handicapped lesbian threesome.

As is apparently the case with everyone else here I enjoy the Wonkette more than I enjoy most things except maybe sex and booze. So y'all keep safe and keep writing stuff that makes me know there are real live thinking people out there instead of the repugs by which I am surrounded here in South Cackalacky.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Cackalacky? You get an extra New Year's hug for that.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 1, 2012 at 9:37 am

And yet, Nixon is practically a tree hugging liberal when compared to today's crop of wingnutz.

Dashboard Buddha January 1, 2012 at 10:50 am

"Nixon was a professional politician, and I despised everything he stood for—but if he were running for president this year against the evil Bush–Cheney gang, I would happily vote for him." HST

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I think it was Stephen King (of all people) who said about Nixon: "So now we're calling him a 'statesman', when, if there were any justice, he'd be blowing the other convicts for cigarettes".

Doktor Zoom January 1, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Oh, that's good–source? (cursory googling only found your comments, alas…)

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 11:24 pm

I think it was in the introduction to one of his books, but I don't remember for sure. I've actually tried googling it myself, and couldn't find it. Since I read so much, I have a whole lot of things jumbled around in my memory that I don't remember exactly *where* I read them, and often post without attribution. If only there were some way I could resolve not to do that.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 1:50 pm

And can I just say?
In all the brouhaha about what an unpleasant and unethical person Nixon was, it rarely gets pointed out that the man was, all kidding aside, mentally ill.
I mean, really, *making lists of your enemies*? Plotting against them? Taping all of your conversations?
I think Nixon was certifiably, hospitalizably, fucking nuts.

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Right on point. I've often wondered of late if he had a third, illegitimate daughter raised as Michele Bachmann. Paranoia strikes deep.

weejee January 1, 2012 at 9:23 am

One of my best summers ever. Running creep tests (really) on concrete for ~ 15 min each morning and then spending the rest of the day smoking weed, playing pinochle, and watching Sam Ervin's Watergate Hearings. Sam shoulda got a producer's Emmy & Tony Ulasewicz one for a supporting role when he told the Ctte with a stone cold straight face that he did not think it was unusual to be hiding manila envelopes stuffed with $25,000 in phone booths. Ah, the rigors of grad school.

Happy New Year one and all, even the trolls.

Jukesgrrl January 1, 2012 at 5:27 pm

I will always think of the Watergate hearings, which I enjoyed up close and personal in our nation's capital, as one of the great highlights of my life. Watching the Prince of Darkness and his evil crew being taken out was pure pleasure. That said, I regret to realize that Nixon was a liberal by today's standards. How in heaven's name did that happen?

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Happy New Year, weejee! Hugs to you, and may the year ahead be kinder than any yet so far.

ProgressiveInga January 1, 2012 at 10:28 am

Hey, look! Frothy Mixture is on Meat the Press and just said "there has been an explosion of spending by this administration….." He knows from explosions, right?

Goonemeritus January 1, 2012 at 10:35 am

I find it sobering to think these two were the best Republican presidents in my life time. I'm am sadly not being ironic with this statement I would gladly take either over the present crop of todays candidates in 2012.

slowhansolo January 2, 2012 at 10:02 am

Agreed and, really, that says it all far as 2012's concerned.

deanbooth January 1, 2012 at 10:58 am

I happened to notice on the teevee that the word Occupy was on a list of "words to be banished" in 2012. How about we make "Fuck you Lake Superior State University" the catch-phrase of 2012? And fuck CBS for broadcasting it, also too.

UW8316154 January 1, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Occupy LakeSuperior University#

Blueb4sunrise January 1, 2012 at 11:26 am

Wha?

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 1:52 pm

*offers nice cup of hot coffee*

Blueb4sunrise January 1, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Uh. Thanks. Ummm, tessiee is it?
Where, uh…….

UW8316154 January 1, 2012 at 3:55 pm

It's okay, everything's gonna be fine, and it's just a lucky thing noone got hurt.

V572 the Merciless January 1, 2012 at 11:30 am

Mittens could take some lessons in how to sound caring, genuine and sincere from those two.

larrykat January 1, 2012 at 11:35 am

May this be the year that real insurrection begins in America.

Negropolis January 2, 2012 at 1:39 am

Yes, let us please do the 60's, again, but this time not prematurely drop the ball near the end of the game.

Come here a minute January 1, 2012 at 11:48 am

I think you find a lot of folks in "the office" on New Years — worshipping at the porcelain throne.

Boojum_Reborn January 1, 2012 at 12:02 pm

http://www.spreadingsantorum.com is the sixth site listed on a google search of "frothy". My resolution is to get it to number one.

DahBoner January 1, 2012 at 12:36 pm

It's The Santorum Wave.

Run!!!

Boojum_Reborn January 1, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Kudos to Josh Marshall for "light brown line":

Here’s current trend chart (prior to the release of the DMR poll). I’ve stripped out all the candidates besides Romney, Paul, Santorum and Gingrich. Santorum’s the light brown line rocketing up as Paul drops down.
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/2011/12/dmr

Rotundo_ January 1, 2012 at 1:11 pm

A highly fluid race was also a legitimate, but amusing description of the race and Santorum's "light brown line rocketing up as Paul drops down." was pure genius. I think we're all going to enjoy the "Santorum Streak Comes To An End" headline in a couple of weeks.

BarackMyWorld January 1, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Huh-huh…."fluid"…

Loaded_Pants January 1, 2012 at 8:36 pm

"Santorum Drops Out"

You just KNOW that'll be one of them.

Bluestatelibel January 1, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I love the horserace aspect of all this, it's so exciting, just like a real horserace, except one where all the horses are brain-damaged.

Boojum_Reborn January 1, 2012 at 4:27 pm

A three-legged horserace.

Biff January 1, 2012 at 7:25 pm

MR horses. Fitting, for that stableful.

kissawookiee January 1, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Gooooood morning Wonketteers. Like many of you, I have a screaming hangover. Unlike many of you, unfortch, this is due not to any kind of revelry last night but, rather, to an extreme sideways chainsaw assfuck of a weaponized cold delivered courtesy of my brother's humorless hag of a fiancee.

I'm going to start drinking *now*, since I can't possibly feel any worse. Viva 2012!

HedonismBot January 1, 2012 at 1:18 pm

You have my sympathy. My own wounds this morning are self-inflicted.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 1:54 pm

*offers nice bowl of hot chicken soup*

memzilla January 1, 2012 at 3:41 pm

*pours tumbler of Maker's Mark, for teh germz sterilization*

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Poor Wookiee. Here's a NY hug and here's one to help you feel better. Try ingesting some ginger tea in between bouts of drinking, it'll keep you from horking your guts up.

starfanglednut January 1, 2012 at 12:17 pm

My fellow snarketeers, fear not the Mayan apocalypse. The guy in charge of that calendar just got sick of carving the damn thing, and went out to see a sacrifice with his buddies.

Dudleydidwrong January 1, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Shit! You just took all the fun out of the planned December 20-21 'party-like-there's-no-tomorrow" party.

We'll just have to party anyway. So there. Too.

Dashboard Buddha January 1, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I bet it was a double hot young lesbian sacrifice.

Dudleydidwrong January 1, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Bring back the Mayans!
(I didn't need that swat upside my head from my wife this morning…)

Biff January 2, 2012 at 10:57 am

As long as they look like Maya Rudolph, I'm good with it.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 1, 2012 at 6:20 pm

The guy doing the carving ran out of room. That is all.
This happens when you carve circular calendars.
(Damned fools didn't even carve cute kittens into the thing. No wonder they only sold one of 'em.)

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Did I give you your New Year's Hug yet, you li'l nut? If not, consider yourself duly hugged and kissed on both cheeks. Happy New Year!

starfanglednut January 2, 2012 at 10:24 am

You too, Z, and may 2012 be a year of good health.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 11:30 pm

"fear not the Mayan apocalypse"

I had (and probably still have somewhere) an old Mad paperback that randomly contained a drawing that looked like one of those circular carved stone calendars. the caption said:

"Ancient Aztec Symbol of Evil
.
.
If gazed upon, causes death within the year
.
.
.
too bad for you if you looked."

starfanglednut January 2, 2012 at 10:25 am

That is so, so awesome.

DahBoner January 1, 2012 at 12:34 pm

It's 2012.

Surely, this is good news for Juan McCain (R-Panama)????

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Jaun McCain,shot down twice in Nam.And once by America.

Loaded_Pants January 1, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Shot down by Palin when she was moose/elephant/Todd hunting…or whatever the hell she does.

Negropolis January 2, 2012 at 1:43 am

Everyday he wakes to see another sunrise is a good day for Juan Maqain.

not that Dewey January 2, 2012 at 9:37 am

He could really use some.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Not to sound like too much of a buzz-killing old fart, but one of the good things about having been married is that I no longer give two shits about having a date/plans/whatever for New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, et. al., which enables me to whatever it is I need to do on Dec. 31, and then get safely home before all the drunk drivers are on the road (and they start *early* here!).

But happy new year to all the assembled multitudes here at Wonkette. You guys have made me laugh AND made me think, and I'm looking forward to the year to come (or more precisely, glad that last year is the HELL over with). Hope it's better for all of us.

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 8:15 pm

It could not get any worse,unless the Morlocs come to feed.

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Or the Mormon comes to feed.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Happy New Year, darlz! And many hugs of teh day to you.

PuckStopsHere January 2, 2012 at 1:03 am

I enjoyed your commentary very much in 2011 tessie, and I look forward to more in 2012!

Biff January 1, 2012 at 12:57 pm

2012 is already 10 hours old here, and I can tell it's just gonna be more of the same old crap…

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 8:13 pm

SOC for the next year.Wonderful.

HedonismBot January 1, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Fine and dandy like sour candy, neighbor!

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 8:12 pm

"Let them eat Caviar."Mitt Romeny.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 11:35 pm

Thankily dankily, neighborino!

slowhansolo January 2, 2012 at 10:03 am

Bar's a whiz with cold drinks.

Dudleydidwrong January 1, 2012 at 3:06 pm

I see that our favorite Republican candidate, Pennsylvanian Backdoor Rick, has spoken on "Meat: The Press" and declared that if he is preznut he would drop nuclear Santorum on all Iranian nuclear sites. I'm sure that millions of Christian fundamentalsts (Taliban) surged in Santorum's direction. Gonna be a fun year, folks.

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Stop this Crazy train!

Loaded_Pants January 1, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Santorum's foreign policy is just going to be pure genius.

Neoyorquino January 1, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Unemployed for 5 months. But someday, I too, look forward to being "ensconced in royal splendor." (Fuckers). Sorry. Just venting, and I might as well vent my spleen on GHWB and Richard (Aroo!) Nixon.

Biff January 1, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Been looking for you, to thank you for the link to snark via Droid. So, thanks, happy new year, etc.

Neoyorquino January 1, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Thanks, and right back at you with 2012 best wishes (and for all other Wonketteers for the sanity-preserving snark)!

Biff January 1, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Hail to thee, future 1%er.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Here's hoping the new year rewards your job search with much happy successes. And here's a New Year hug. You just go right ahead and vent.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 11:37 pm

"someday, I too, look forward to being "ensconced in royal splendor.""

Never been having been ensconced in anything, I have no opinion on it — but I do like to swan about.

user-of-owls January 2, 2012 at 12:48 am

Given that I am the utterly self-proclaimed expert in all things Mayan, I'll let you in on a little secret. For fun, I was transcribing the original Popol Vuh glyphs into modern K’iche’ when I ran across something unexpected.* The passage I was working on describes the killing of Seven Macaw, an ancient 1%er, by Hunahpu and Xbalanque, the Hero Twins:

Thus the wealth of Seven Macaw was lost, for the healers took it away—the
jewels, the precious stones, and all that which had made him proud here upon the face of the earth.

And there, on the side of the stele, were some tiny hieroglyphs that must have been overlooked as unimportant. In modern K’iche’ they said, "Nu achi’l k’am -wäch mokokil xaqbi." In English, it means, "My friend will soon become comfortable in a job." So friend, there you have it.

*Yes, of course I made all this shit up. Well, I did get the part about that prick Seven Macaw getting whacked right, and that is a genuine translation from K’iche’, the language of the Popul Vuh. The part about me deciphering gllyphs, eh, not so thruthy. But still, me and the Hero Twins are pulling for you!

Doktor Zoom January 1, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Kid Zoom and I are ringing in the new year by watching as much of Ken Burns' The Civil War as we can this weekend. I haven't watched it since it first aired.

So far, we're in agreement that General George McClellan was a real wuss, and that Abraham Lincoln was a hoopy frood who always knew where his towel was. Lincoln's line, "If General McClellan isn't going to use his army, I'd like to borrow it for a time" is going to be incorporated into Kid Zoom's speech class assignment next week; he's discussing McClellan's timidity as part of a presentation on Great Mistakes in History.

memzilla January 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

IMHO, McClellan was a great trainer of men, but couldn't bear the thought of losing the troops' love of him by ordering them to go get killed in battle.

As for Great Mistakes in History, how about including the worst command in military history: "Forward, men… into the temporarily dry sea!"

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 8:09 pm

I went to Fort McClellan for basic training in the Army.And yes he was the worst General in U.S.History.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 10:53 pm

Yay, Kid Zoom! Enjoy yourselves, y'all.

AlterNewt January 1, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Dr. Z – Did they include this unbelievable passage from a letter to his (McClellan's) wife?

I find myself in a new and strange position here—Presdt, Cabinet, Genl Scott & all deferring to me—by some strange operation of magic I seem to have become the power of the land. … I almost think that were I to win some small success now I could become Dictator or anything else that might please me—but nothing of that kind would please me—therefore I won't be Dictator. Admirable self-denial!

— George B. McClellan, letter to Ellen, July 26, 1861

One of the great self-regarding 'Dicks of History'.

Doktor Zoom January 2, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Yep, that was in there. Also McClellan's comments about Lincoln as "nothing more than a well-meaning baboon" and "the original gorilla."

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 11:43 pm

"So far, we're in agreement that General George McClellan was a real wuss"

It's been awhile since I watched that. Was McClellan the general who got a bunch of people killed because he waited and waited? I do remember that I could tell McClellan was kind of a dillweed, because in every single picture of him, he had his nose up in the air and his hair looked *perfect*.

By the way, after McClellan was finished being a crappy Civil War general, he went on to become:
.
.
.
Governor of New Jersey.
I swear to God I am *not* making that up!

Doktor Zoom January 2, 2012 at 2:27 pm

That's the guy. Also dubbed the "Virginia Creeper" for his failure to actually attack once he'd landed in that state.

chascates January 1, 2012 at 4:28 pm

There is something Newt Gingrich is NOT a world respected leader at!

At a town hall in Atlantic, Iowa, Saturday afternoon, Gingrich gave an unusual reason for his present denial of man-made global warming. “I’m an amateur paleontologist,” Gingrich said. “I spend a lot of time looking at the Earth’s temperature for a very long time. I’m a lot harder to convince than just looking at a computer model.” ”

Biff January 1, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Brilliant!

bagofmice January 1, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Yeah, you're going to have to print out a lot more emails to convince him.

C_R_Eature January 1, 2012 at 6:19 pm

"…he’s (Newt Gingrich) a stupid man’s idea of what a smart person sounds like"
-Paul Krugman

That is all.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 1, 2012 at 6:32 pm

IF that were true, the dumbfuck would know that CO2 levels and temperatures were incredibly high, way back in the days before all that carbon got locked up into coal and oil deposits. And that returning to those balmy days when jungles covered Antarctica just might be a shitty idea, because if we don't like it, it's gonna be 200 million years before things get back to where they were 50 years ago.

Fortunately, we have an alternative candidate who thinks he's gonna get his own personal planet, presumably with a perfectly swell climate (and a harem), long before the shit hits the fan for the rest of humanity. Nice Americanized version of the "76 virgins" bullshit that certain other crazed fuckers buy into.

Which brings me to ask, who the fuck first floated the notion that we DON'T want the educated "elite" (a.k.a. people who actually know shit) to run the country? That person should be killed.

Biff January 1, 2012 at 7:29 pm

I think reagan was the first anti-intellectual president, if not candidate.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Given that it's NYD, and we're all in a good mood, and stuff, I propose we don't even think about killing him.

Instead, I propose we think up torments galore ending JUST short of actual blessed relief, i.e., death.

C_R_Eature January 1, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Good idea. Think Happy Thoughts.

I vote for a spontaneous, uncontrolled bout of Explosive Gastrointestinal Decompression on the next live CSPAN event. Acquired from fondling Rotavirus carrying youngsters at all those Iowa whistle stops no doubt.

Also, the next Cruse to a Euro-Crisis impacted Mediterranean island paradise he takes ("Just for Research Purposes, mind you!") turns into a Norovirus Nightmare. Bonus points for infecting the Republican national Convention on his return trip.

Having crossed paths with both of these plagues, I can say with certainty that it's definitely something Newt should experience. Soon.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 12:29 am

I really, really like you. Really.

Loaded_Pants January 1, 2012 at 8:32 pm

"amateur paleontologist"–a man of many interests, talents and ideas, that one.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 2, 2012 at 12:39 am

And an amateur at all of them.

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 9:16 pm

Dear Newt:
As a practicing, professional paleontologist, I know a lot of amateur paleontologists, and you are no amateur paleontologist. We don't fucking need you and we certainly don't fucking want you, you slime-sucking, lard-ass, pea-brained Coryphodon. If have to hear one more time that you're an amateur paleontologist, I will personably drive to your house and ram an unlubricated, silicified dinodick up your putrid ass.

OH, and Happy New Year, everybody!

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 10:58 pm

ZOMG, coryphodons are just too fucking cute for words!

Happy New Year, pdog! I didn't know you were a professional paleontologist. How cool is that!

Biel_ze_Bubba January 2, 2012 at 12:44 am

I believe fpd's point is that "Coryphodon had one of the smallest brain/body ratios of any mammal, living or extinct."

I read it on the internet, so it must be true.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 12:58 am

Well, yes, but isn't that (broadly generally speaking) true of the cute as a group? It's hard work being cute, uses up a lot of brain cells. Not enough left over to figure out a good survival plans apparently.

Biff January 2, 2012 at 11:05 am

So does this mean he gets all the wives by telling them he's an amateur gynecologist?

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 6:43 pm

ZOMG. NOBODY's ever going to have sex again after that mental image. NOBODY. (looks mournfully at empty bed)

C_R_Eature January 2, 2012 at 8:08 pm

flamingpdog: I just wanted to thank you for your professional expertise and the link to the Coryphodon. A new thing, for me and I love learning new things.
Being neither a Professional nor an Amateur Paleontologist, I would have gone with a Coprolith, but "one of the smallest brain/body ratios of any mammal, living or extinct." is way cooler.

flamingpdog January 2, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Don't tell Palinz, but I think Coryphodon was also one of the butt-ugliest (as restored) mammals in existence.

C_R_Eature January 2, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Just between you, me and the lamppost, then.

That's another thing Gingrich and Coryphodon have in common!

Dudleydidwrong January 1, 2012 at 10:14 pm

"I spend a lot of time looking at the Earth's temperature for a very long time."

I'm sure he does, and he uses a rectal thermometer stuck up his own ass.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 10:54 pm

A NY hug to you, chascates.

I'm going off and hate on Newt in silence, so as not to spoil the friendly mood.

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 11:54 pm

"“I spend a lot of time looking at the Earth’s temperature for a very long time."

WTF does that even mean?
Without trying to deconstruct all the grammatical and syntactical nightmares in that quote…
How, exactly, does that bloated, pasty, cancer-wife-divorcing serial adulterer "look at the Earth's temperature", for a very long time, or a very short time, or any length of time whatsoever? Does Newt, when he's not mainlining cheetos, molesting interns, enjoying his daily lard rubdown, or spending taxpayer money at Tiffany's, sit on his fat, cellulite-riddled, white ass, staring at the porch thermometer for hours at a time? Or is he under the influence of some powerful hallucinogen that makes him think that he can actually look at a temperature?

Biel_ze_Bubba January 2, 2012 at 12:48 am

No matter. Teabaggers don't try to work out the actual meaning of the dog whistles they respond to.
Try reading some of Reagan's speeches sometime, and you'll be screaming "WTF?" in short order, for the same reason.

ShaveTheWhales January 2, 2012 at 1:59 am

No thanks. I already had to do that live for eight years.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 6:44 pm

You DID? Gadz, what a fate! My deepest sympathies. He was the original bubblehead.

Did I give you one of my patented NotDrunken New Year's Hugs? If not, here go. ()

Biff January 2, 2012 at 11:04 am

There you go again…

Guppy January 2, 2012 at 2:19 am

“I’m an amateur paleontologist,”

It's a lot easier when you only have 6000 years of history to account for.

gurukalehuru January 2, 2012 at 10:22 am

Yeah, my 9 year old is an amateur paleontologist, too, if by amateur paleontologist we mean somebody who likes movies with dinosaurs in them, which I'm pretty sure we do.

chascates January 1, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Surging Sweater-Vested Rick Santorum, interviewed by Chuck Todd:
ANTORUM: I think marriage has to be one thing for everybody. We can’t have 50 different marriage laws in this country, you have to have one marriage law…

TODD: What would you do with same-sex couples who got married? Would you make them get divorced?

SANTORUM: Well, their marriage would be invalid. I think if the constitution says “marriage is this,” then people whose marriage is not consistent with the constitution… I’d love to think there’s another way of doing it.

He went on to claim that “same-sex couples can contract for everything” except government benefits and compared the loving marriages of many gay and lesbian couples to having a friend or an aunt.

via ThinkProgress

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Fashion Fail 101.He looks like Mr.Rodgers.

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 11:00 pm

I think I'm just gonna strangle the little fuck. Asshole, I've got gay friends who've been married longer than you AND your parents combined. And if I were monogamously inclined, I'd be one of them. Asshole!

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Suday Jan 1st 2012. Still waiting on that flying car,Moon base Alpha,and That hover board from Back to the Future.Maybe next year?Oh right,there wont be a next year.Stupid Hollywood!

Jukesgrrl January 1, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Time to put the glass down.

bagofmice January 1, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Ok, previous operating theory is completely blown by this. I suspect flaky space bar.

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 6:08 pm

Space BAR N A Z I !

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Are you hitting on me again WTF? I told you I don't do Fat chicks!

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 11:05 pm

He's using VOX SW due to visual problems, I think. At least he said something to that effect once before.

BigDumbRedDog January 1, 2012 at 5:17 pm

I rang in the new year with a fever of 101. So far 2012 sucks as much as 2011. Ima take a nap now and hopefully wake up in 2013.

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Rip the van Winkle!

PalinzADummy January 1, 2012 at 11:07 pm

Sorry to hear that. Here's a nice warm NY hug. Is there anyone around who can help take care of you? Take aspirin to bring the fever down, if it's not contraindicated for you.

Here's hoping you return to us before long.

BarackMyWorld January 1, 2012 at 5:19 pm
Bluestatelibel January 1, 2012 at 7:07 pm

I hear Mittens is notoriously cheap; they only way he'd buy votes is with other people's money. But Newt in general is correct (on this matter only of course).

Biff January 1, 2012 at 7:32 pm

That's precious. As if Newt wouldn't buy an election if HE could, too. Problem is, Mitt actually can.
(Erroneously posted to NtD's comment, fixed.)

Loaded_Pants January 1, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Oh please, as though none of them wouldn't buy the election if they could.

tessiee January 2, 2012 at 12:09 am

The difference being that it would be a huge step *down* for Mitt, who could just spend the rest of his life in luxury with his billions, instead of using them to buy a job.

Guppy January 2, 2012 at 2:29 am

The difference between Mitt and Newt is that Mitt would use cash.

not that Dewey January 1, 2012 at 5:25 pm

This.

Happy new year, everybody.

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Right back at you Dewey!

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 12:20 am

Hugs & HNY to the whole ntDewey fambly!

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 6:06 pm

New Years day American Football.The sport of Kings! Wait that's horse racing.American Football the sport that Soccer wishes it could be!

Biff January 1, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Oh for fuck's sake, kill me now.

BarackMyWorld January 1, 2012 at 7:49 pm

The good news is that the track record for these type (or any other type) of predictions isn't very good.

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Time for the Revolution!

Loaded_Pants January 1, 2012 at 8:23 pm

But what does Pat Robertson say?

BarackMyWorld January 1, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Pat Robertson? I knew there was somebody I forgot to put down on my 2012 dead pool!

AlterNewt January 1, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Former Wonkette writer guy Jason Linkins wrote this morning, of Michelle Bachmann:

"Proven and tested in the fires of Washington! Maybe stared into those flames too long! Maybe, she sees those flames, dancing in her mind's eye when she dreams! These are all just maybes! And yet, the flames, the flames!"

sbj1964 January 1, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Marcus Bachman ,and his Gay tribute to the Village people are what is normally dancing in her head.

Loaded_Pants January 1, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Still, there's much flaming involved.

flamingpdog January 1, 2012 at 11:54 pm

I should be upset, but I'm not.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 12:22 am

I should be hot, but … wut?

BarackMyWorld January 1, 2012 at 8:57 pm

I forgot he used to write over here….I've been enjoying his Huffpost work tremendously lately.

chascates January 1, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Such as (from today):
"We're number one in the category of enthusiasm," says Bachmann, who has never met a Ron Paul supporter. (Actually, she has, I forget her old Iowa campaign manager is a Ron Paul supporter now!)

Pres.Libunatic January 2, 2012 at 9:35 am

That's the GOP equivalent of "Joementum".

AlterNewt January 1, 2012 at 9:00 pm

He's pretty much the only reason to go there, I think.

BarackMyWorld January 1, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Agreed.

AlterNewt January 1, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Okay. Good meeting.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 12:23 am

He's just about the only writer there that is really worth reading. Once again, I owe a debt to Wonkette. Also for Alex Pareene at Salon.

tessiee January 2, 2012 at 12:13 am

After which, she ate a bunch of sugar cubes, put her shirt on inside-out, and ran around yelling, "I AM CORNHOLIO!!"

Chichikovovich January 2, 2012 at 12:50 am

Wow, good insight. The resemblance between one-L and Beavis as Cornholio is most striking when someone asks B/C some innocuous question and he responds with "ARE YOU THREATENING ME"?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoPVC4YxDlI&fe

Joshua Norton January 2, 2012 at 1:57 am

Apropos of nothing in particular, that sounds like a variation of crazy Dalek Caan's speech in "Dr. Who".

I flewww into the wild and fire… I danced and died a thousand times…

/trivia lesson

BarackMyWorld January 1, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Santorum and Paul are using this last weekend before the caucus to shoot themselves in the foot.

Now, admittedly, pro-lifers will eat that crazy "Obama should be pro-life because he's black" stuff up and Rick's actually said it before, but throwing race into the abortion debate is not the kind of thing you say if you want to be seen as electable.

Paul, however, while being consistent is also now totally fucked. Between this and the newsletter stuff, the press from across the political spectrum going to come after him HARD now.

flamingpdog January 2, 2012 at 12:04 am

(1) Santorum lives in a completely different world.

(2) I was momentarily afraid to click on the "Santorum" link, this being Wonkette. Thanks for sending me to a non-sploogey site.

(3) I hate that Ron Paul actually makes sense in same of his observations, in a perfect world. Too bad individual racism in our non-perfect world is just as if not even more insidious and dangerous than governmentally-enforced apartheid.

(4) Remind me to never step on his lawn.

Negropolis January 2, 2012 at 2:09 am

I just read the Paul story. What makes me so angry about it is how totally unnecessary it was. Of all of the actual legislation through our modern history that has undermined privacy and he chooses the Civil Rights Act of 1964? Are you fucking kidding me?! If anyone was still giving him the benefit of the doubt concerning whether he was an actual racist or not, this should be the station you get off at on the train. To go that far out of one's way to make a totally silly point is proof enough as far as I'm concerned. It takes a special level of dangerous derangement to point to that 1964 act as the bases of the erosion of privacy.

For the love of everything good and holy, prop this special, little guy up as the GOP standard bearer. This is American Libertarianism's dirty little secret – a secret not so secret if people would look at them more than once a year. Modern American Libertarianism has a strain of xenophobia even more virulent and dangerous than that in the general Republican Party. The main party strain is kind of reflexive, ignorant, and mindless. It's so not subtle and so in-your-face that for even as digusting as it it, it can often be laughed at because of its clumsiness. The strain in American Libertarianism is built around a more sophisticated, subtle philosophy, but one that is even more dangerously and woefully wrong, historically and morally so. Libertarianism is often so popular where it is in this country because its adherents believe that when played out to its end game that it "solves" an ethnic "problem." Normal people laugh at the talk of a race war. These people believe and anticipate it as surely as they do anything else they believe, but even more to the point, they welcome it.

Let these fuckers be a rude American revelation. Let the stoner, college Paultards see who and what they've really and actually been worshipping. Your decrepit, crypt-kept emperor has no clothes. He's a dirty and evil old man, right on a handful of issues but fatally wrong on almost all others.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Wow. Worth drinking to, my man. So the right.

FlyOverGirl January 1, 2012 at 11:24 pm

Ooooh, Bachmann on CNN admitting to eating at Culvers. Sways 15% of tepid voters

hunnybee January 1, 2012 at 11:40 pm

dear Wonketteers, thank you for the many belly laughs. you are witty and smart and i love stopping by to hang out and to learn a little something.
Barb i hope you are feeling fine. i was away for the holidays so i am late to the party. anyway you folks are much appreciated and i just wanted you to know that.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 12:32 am

(Hugs the hunnybee) I don't remember if I met you, talked to you, or hugged you, but I'm on my third or fourth painkiller/spliff combo of the day, and no longer care. A very happy New Year to you!

WinterOuthouse January 1, 2012 at 11:52 pm

So, I go outside this afternoon because there is a bit of commotion. There, I see a drunk ass bastard rolling around on the goddamn street. Cars are stopped as this drunk asshole staggers around in a wide wrestler's stance. He finally throws up and makes his way off the street, only to bumble about and get tangled in the Evergreen Tree. He crawls out from under the tree and fumbles along for another half a block creating a wave of drunken stupidity, followed by a stream of piss. I'm just about to call 911 for this poor alcohol poisoned son-of-a-bitch when a pick up truck pulls up and a crew of slightly more sober rednecks jump out and grab the drunken lout, whisking him off to the semi-safety of his friends' bosoms. Then it hits me. This guy looks exactly like Ken.

All is true except for the Ken part…

Biff January 2, 2012 at 12:17 am

I damn near put a slug through my TV watching Dixie Jew on 60 Minutes tonight. Mother Fucker!

Negropolis January 2, 2012 at 1:27 am

I think we're gonna need a bigger year, y'all.

I just wont my Wonketteers to promise me one thing. If you start hearing Leon Panetta or David "Peaches" talking about an inevitable war with Iran, I want to see every one of you out in the streets.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 6:53 pm

That is my solemn promise.

fuflans January 2, 2012 at 1:31 am

i think i haven't been sober since november.

practicing for 2012…

happy new year my worthly wokette skum!

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Hug and a HNY to you, fu!

sbj1964 January 2, 2012 at 1:39 am

MonkeyBiz !! Happy New year from the Wonk to all of the Crasstalkers!

fartknocker January 2, 2012 at 9:19 am

Happy Jizzuary fellow Wonketters. Tomorrow we get watch Iowa bring out the best the GOP has to offer and cream of the Koch.

It's going to suck having Rick Perry back in Texas.

slowhansolo January 2, 2012 at 10:09 am

Well, let's just say I probably won't be spending anymore New Year's Eves outside of the house. From now on, people come to my place, where I can at least be assured something interesting will happen, whether there are people there or not.

Radiotherapy January 2, 2012 at 10:32 am

Hey I'm bored here. does anyone else see the subliminal booty action in the Iced Tea Shocker ad in the sidebar?

not that Dewey January 2, 2012 at 10:48 am

I've never seen a booty with cubic cellulite before.

Biff January 2, 2012 at 11:16 am

Cubic cellulite? I think it's just pixelated, ntDewey.

Radiotherapy January 2, 2012 at 11:24 am

Now I think I'm seeing Santorum in that crack, Arghhh, we need a post….

not that Dewey January 2, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Pitcher of Iced Tea with Subliminal Booty by Chuck Close

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 7:19 pm

Damn, just when I had convinced myself it was my own Feeeeeeelthy Mind.

DustBowlBlues January 2, 2012 at 10:46 am

Meh. More than 400 comments? I'm going to wait for wonkette Jr. (if that's even his/her real name) to start anew for the new year. Gag. Sorry, been shopping beekeeping sites and shit like this just creeps into the vocab when first thing you read is "To Bee or Not To Bee" and other such cutesy gems.

chascates January 2, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Cool! Mann Lake, Dadant, Glory Bee or what? Beekeeping is my next goal here on the farm.

Biff January 2, 2012 at 11:34 am

On my way to a dentist appointment, because apparently my capitalist pig dentist doesn't care to give his employees the holiday off. Fine with me, but it sure would be nice to have a fresh new post to welcome me home when i get back.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Should be back by now. I better go over and kick on the other post's doors.

lulzmonger January 2, 2012 at 3:28 pm

This comment has been removed by a Mayan Elder.

RavenRant January 1, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Boy, that really is Hardly Strictly Bluegrass! Thanks for the link.

Biff January 1, 2012 at 6:58 pm

HSB is a real happening. I went once, will never go again because crowds, but Warren Hellman did a wonderful thing for the people of San Francisco by throwing this annual party. May he rest in peace.

Loaded_Pants January 1, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Wait…did I actually smoke anything last night? Whatever…Happy 2010, y'all!

tessiee January 1, 2012 at 10:50 pm

I'm pretty sure that Satan and his minions are the only ones having a good time in that scenario; I figured that would be OK with you.

Biel_ze_Bubba January 2, 2012 at 12:54 am

I see no reason to lighten up on them.

Guppy January 2, 2012 at 2:11 am

"I sit next to a window and watch the large predator birds swoop down and eat my baby birds and cringe. "

I didn't realize Neilist was into falconry.

Biff January 2, 2012 at 10:30 am

Pawleen is unnecessarily kewt, anyway. I have friends in Puerto Penasco that have an all-white cat named Caspurr, same offense.

not that Dewey January 2, 2012 at 11:01 am

My older cat, Boutique (Boo for short), we found her when we were living in the South Valley — ribs showing, you could hold her in one hand, a tasty little morsel. Her original name was "Hawk Food". She's 9 now, and she goes outside. The hawks around here mainly stick to the flood plain and the golf course.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 6:56 pm

ZOMG, a Virtual Kitten! And I thought ICanHasCheezbrgr had that market all sewn up.

What's the surgery date?They must've given you that already? I wanna be sure I'm sitting here pants off ready to peepee on the carpet when you come home to Teh Wonketz.

poncho_pilot January 2, 2012 at 6:03 am

hey, it could've been worse.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUH_JZ1KAXM

Barb January 2, 2012 at 11:16 am

That's bullshit! You can't say that about Neilist. he doesn't eat baby birds, he eats babies. Let's not start any rumors around here.

C_R_Eature January 2, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Well golly, I don't hear that nearly enough. Thanks!

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 5:02 pm

It could be because you're really sick & twisted, 'n all, but hey.

C_R_Eature January 2, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Yes, It's All True.

When I first read this article I thought Newt had called himself an "amateur Proctologist". On second thought, that would have been far more accurate.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 5:19 pm

OMG. I think I shall never have sex again, thanks to that vision of a leering, fat-faced Legohead Newt poking my bum with glee.

C_R_Eature January 2, 2012 at 5:57 pm

*Retch*

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Always happy to share the misery!

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 6:58 pm

I have in-laws who raise baby goats and turkeys and stuff. They name all of them variants of "Meal."

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Dood, that WASN'T A CHALLENGE!!!

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 10:15 pm

I thought I saw a picture of a big floofy ginger cat labeled "Trevor." Sigh. Wishful thinking I guess. I do miss that big hairbag a lot.

Hugs to Neville, then, if he's brave enough to dare them. Maybe I'll look for a Zingiber-reincarnation-ginger-kitty come March when my knee's all better.

Barb January 2, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Feb 8th, Wednesday, 7:30 A.M.

PalinzADummy January 2, 2012 at 10:38 pm

I'll prepare the pee pads for deployment. (Hug)

Hope you're taking good care of yourself, sweetie.

not that Dewey January 2, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Hawk Food has continued the tradition, begun three cats ago, of drinking water EXCLUSIVELY out of my glass on the table, and not touching any other source of water. She looks at me with her "where is my water?" expression, and I have to drop what I'm doing and go fetch a new glass of water for the two of us to share. She'll wait patiently on the coffee table until I return.

Barb January 3, 2012 at 12:10 am

I'm good, thanks! How's the knee?
I went to the mall and got some pajamas and stuff for the hospital today. I HATE shopping! I'll be in the hospital for three days and I will have the iPad with me.

PalinzADummy January 3, 2012 at 12:55 am

Sucks. I keep forgetting accidentally on purpose to take the painkillers and then I'm SO surprised that the fucking thing hurts. But PT starts in two days, so I'm sure I'll be looking back on this week as relatively painless once the bitchgoddess of torture starts working me over.

(Hugs Barb) You shoulda told me, I would've ordered you some PJs online. With predator birds on them, or something. Don't want you feeling lonely in the hospital room. I can't visit but could send books if you want.

I really shouldn't complain. It was minor, it's painful, but could've been so much worse, and pain goes away eventually anyway. I'm walking without a crutch. It's just stairs are tough, and my house is nothing but stairs. Come spring when it gets warmer, I'll be out in the garden sweating in the sunshine and the knee will be just a memory. And life without Mookie will be fine for you too.

PalinzADummy January 3, 2012 at 1:07 am

I see she has you well trained. At least she didn't care for the taste of alcohol. (I have one cat with a hollow leg. Can't set down a wineglass unattended around her.)

not that Dewey January 7, 2012 at 10:20 pm

And now she has some contact dermatitis that the vet wants to treat with — wait for it — kitty hormone replacement therapy. Poor Booboo is going through the Change!

PalinzADummy January 8, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Oh, noes! (Hugs Booboo and the whole damn ntDewey Fambly) What a life!

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