worst new year's greeting ever

Richard Nixon and George Bush Sr. Wish You a Happy New Year!

Here comes 2012, everybody! Hopefully you’re not sitting in your office like Richard Nixon used to, while everybody else was smooching and drinking champagne or whatever, in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Consider this your Open Comment Thread for the first day of the last year of Earth.

PRO TIP: Marijuana is a lot better than champagne, especially the next morning.

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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495 comments

        1. tessiee

          Since you're apparently both cats, I'm not sure how that would work — but Happy New Year to all, and I hope it's better than the last.

          1. Barb

            Oh God, Palinz! I feel completely shittified for lying to you. I don't have a pet. I live in the desert and I have hawks, large eagles and coyotes who eat the 200+ birds that I feed daily. I have Amazon ship me 12 lb bags of corn kernels every week and I make popcorn for my birdies and I give them water in the birdbath 4 times daily. I sit next to a window and watch the large predator birds swoop down and eat my baby birds and cringe.

            "Pawleen" is a Fig Newton of my imagination and I wish I could own her and many others. You just can't do that in the desert of New Mexico. I can't "legally" kill the big bad birds. I have lots of Native American friends who can, lol. (they use the feathers in their religious rituals and are exempt from the laws)

            After I have the surgery, I am going to go to a shelter and find a cat or dog and ask them, whisker to freckled face, "okay, will you stay in the house with Mommy?" They will get to sleep in the bed with me, help me with the tough words as I read my Kindle at night and, like me, they will pee pee a little on the carpet when daddy pulls into the garage after work.

          2. Guppy

            "I sit next to a window and watch the large predator birds swoop down and eat my baby birds and cringe. "

            I didn't realize Neilist was into falconry.

          3. Barb

            That's bullshit! You can't say that about Neilist. he doesn't eat baby birds, he eats babies. Let's not start any rumors around here.

          4. Biff

            Pawleen is unnecessarily kewt, anyway. I have friends in Puerto Penasco that have an all-white cat named Caspurr, same offense.

          5. not that Dewey

            My older cat, Boutique (Boo for short), we found her when we were living in the South Valley — ribs showing, you could hold her in one hand, a tasty little morsel. Her original name was "Hawk Food". She's 9 now, and she goes outside. The hawks around here mainly stick to the flood plain and the golf course.

          6. not that Dewey

            Hawk Food has continued the tradition, begun three cats ago, of drinking water EXCLUSIVELY out of my glass on the table, and not touching any other source of water. She looks at me with her "where is my water?" expression, and I have to drop what I'm doing and go fetch a new glass of water for the two of us to share. She'll wait patiently on the coffee table until I return.

          7. PalinzADummy

            I see she has you well trained. At least she didn't care for the taste of alcohol. (I have one cat with a hollow leg. Can't set down a wineglass unattended around her.)

          8. not that Dewey

            And now she has some contact dermatitis that the vet wants to treat with — wait for it — kitty hormone replacement therapy. Poor Booboo is going through the Change!

          9. PalinzADummy

            ZOMG, a Virtual Kitten! And I thought ICanHasCheezbrgr had that market all sewn up.

            What's the surgery date?They must've given you that already? I wanna be sure I'm sitting here pants off ready to peepee on the carpet when you come home to Teh Wonketz.

          10. Barb

            I'm good, thanks! How's the knee?
            I went to the mall and got some pajamas and stuff for the hospital today. I HATE shopping! I'll be in the hospital for three days and I will have the iPad with me.

          11. PalinzADummy

            Sucks. I keep forgetting accidentally on purpose to take the painkillers and then I'm SO surprised that the fucking thing hurts. But PT starts in two days, so I'm sure I'll be looking back on this week as relatively painless once the bitchgoddess of torture starts working me over.

            (Hugs Barb) You shoulda told me, I would've ordered you some PJs online. With predator birds on them, or something. Don't want you feeling lonely in the hospital room. I can't visit but could send books if you want.

            I really shouldn't complain. It was minor, it's painful, but could've been so much worse, and pain goes away eventually anyway. I'm walking without a crutch. It's just stairs are tough, and my house is nothing but stairs. Come spring when it gets warmer, I'll be out in the garden sweating in the sunshine and the knee will be just a memory. And life without Mookie will be fine for you too.

      1. Rotundo_

        Bebe Rebozo and Roy Cohn and Tailgunner Joe McCarthy are all in the executive suites being eternally spit roasted along with Hitler and Tojo and a host of other celebs. If I believed in the concept, it would make me feel all warm and cozy at the thought, but all that's left of them is the evil done.

        1. tessiee

          Can we revise this scenario so that Nixon is pepper sprayed by demons in tie-dyed hippie clothing and McCarthy is ass-raped by Satan (who then mouth-rapes Hitler immediately afterward) at least *some* of the time?

          1. tessiee

            I'm pretty sure that Satan and his minions are the only ones having a good time in that scenario; I figured that would be OK with you.

  1. finallyhappy

    At my age, cake and decaf at 8 pm is about as much as I can handle. Also being up at midnight by choice- instead of one of the 3 or 4 times I wake up at night now. Hoping for stronger HRT in 2012 for me and whatever you want for you.

    1. glasspusher

      No way I'm passing a drug test this coming week…not after I finished off the poppyseed roll.

        1. Loaded_Pants

          Last night I thought I was watching fireworks but I was just staring at Christmas tree lights.

      1. tessiee

        And in defiance of all the laws of probability, 2011 was a shitty year for *everybody* I know — friends, relatives, neighbors, the gal who cuts my hair — it was like a goddamn voodoo curse or something. Hopefully 2012 will be better.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Sheeeeit, it's still 1911 here in the capital of the Confederacy. Happy new year anyway, though.

  2. littlebigdaddy

    Cheers to all my bros, jills, brahs, brosephs (I have run out of 20 something refs) etc. who have made a shitty year bearable. And go Michele! We need comedy to balance out the misery of our hobo-beans-eating lives!

    1. PalinzADummy

      Jezus, I couldn't listen to those fat broads babbling on about Krischyun Vah-lyooz.

      I wonder if any of them demonstrated those Christian values by staying up all day and part of the night cooking for sick neighbours and the needy and caring for them like our very own DBB does?

  3. Neilist_Returns

    Dear Communist Liberal Pink SKum:

    Happy One Year Closer To The Armed Uprising By Which This Great Country Finally Implodes Into The Weimer Republic, And Michele Von Bachmann Becomes . . . President For Life.

    [If you're going down, go down in flames. It's that Gotterdammerung thing . . . .]

    Shalom!

    Neilist
    Llving In A Trailer Park Near You, Counting The Days, The Child Molesters & Meth Heads Living Near Door, and His Ammunition

      1. imissopus

        I figured Neilist was running around Hollywood setting cars on fire, but then I read that the arsonist appears to be using Molotov cocktails, and I think Neilist would use live grenades.

        1. Neilist_Returns

          White Phosphorous only: WILLY PETER MAKE YOU BELIEVER!

          There are standards, after all, even for "auto de fe."

          Particularly when the "autos" are Land Rovers and Bentleys.

      2. Neilist_Returns

        Rant, the video was down, the only title reference was "R . . . "

        But i figure it has to be "Revolution Blues," right?

        Which starts, if memory serves:

        "I live in a trailer at the edge of town.
        Don't try to see me, 'cause I won't be around.
        I've got 25 rifles, just to keep the population down . . . "

        [Only 25? Gesh. What a pussy." ]

        Sieg Bachmann!!!!

        1. RavenRant

          Yes. it was Revolution Blues.

          Weird. The link worked last night. I played it before I linked it. Bastids.

          "I'm a barrel of laughs
          with my carbine on
          I keep em hoppin
          till the ammunition's gone
          but I'm still not happy
          feel like something's wrong"

          1. Biff

            HSB is a real happening. I went once, will never go again because crowds, but Warren Hellman did a wonderful thing for the people of San Francisco by throwing this annual party. May he rest in peace.

    1. PalinzADummy

      You've been drinking. It's "PinkO scum," thankyewverymuch. Also "Living NEXT Door," unless you're only targeting the Near population.

      Happy New Year's, anyway, and may it treat you better than the old one did, regardless of how well it treated you.

  4. Spurning Beer

    My fellow assholes,

    May this be the year that racism, conservative culture warfare, anti-abortion crusading, greed apologetics, corporation idolatry, xenophobia, and environmental piggishness become socially unacceptable.

    May snark become passe, or at least more difficult to practice. (Think Molly Ivins and Richard Pryor in heaven.)

    With best wishes for a good-humored and peaceful New Year,
    Spurning Beer

    1. Radiotherapy

      You fucking evil liberal. I hope the New Year brings the wrath of Jeebus and his strong willed daddy psycho upon thee — and the Holy spirit brings three. Or the Mayan prophecy — crap they didn't even know buttsechs don't bring you fetus/persons, butt their calender ended last year or some shit like that.
      Baruch HaShem y'all.

    2. glasspusher

      Call me an asshole…one more time…

      Keep fighting the good fight, and snarking the good snark, to make the world a better place. I tell my (now 13 year old) son that my wish is that in a few hundred years they might consider someone like me to be one of the more enlightened barbarians.

    3. user-of-owls

      And to I. And I. Jah love brudda.

      "Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts; put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!"

      –Bob "Zvi" Marley

    4. PalinzADummy

      (Hugs Spurning Beer) I refuse to be classed with the other ani of your acquaintance, but I agree with all your wishes. Have another hug, as and when needed.

    5. tessiee

      "My fellow assholes"

      Just for the record:
      I am *not* an asshole. I may be a smart-ass, a fat-ass, a lazy ass — and occasionally, when it's absolutely necessary, a nasty-ass — but not an asshole. Please make a note of it.

      Also, Molly Ivins and Richard Pryor would die of boredom (ya see what I did there?) in Heaven. They're in Heck with the rest of the cool kids.

      Best wishes back to you, and such, also.

      1. Spurning Beer

        tessiee, I meant no disrespect. Assholes have an undeserved bad reputation. Where would we be without ani? Some creatures don't have them, and it can be sad:

        The anusless jellyfish, Dave,
        Was dashing, and handsome, and brave.
        His onus, alas,
        Was the lack of an ass
        And the teasing the mollusks all gave.

        -By Tim Alborn

        1. Spurning Beer

          Also by Prof. Alborn:

          Aproctous, the jellyfish whined:
          "By the mollusk I'm often maligned.
          It's hardly so heinous,
          My lack of an anus—
          Perhaps I should sting his behind."

        1. PalinzADummy

          Yes. Did I give you a New Year's Hug? I think not.

          Here's one to make up for it and another for forgetting. (())

          Happy New Year's, Biely. Thanks for keeping my spirits up through the worst of times, you snarky li'l devil, you.

      1. PalinzADummy

        'Scuse me, I think I forgot to blow on your hairy kitty belly for New Year's.

        (Hugs the HistoriCat) It's been wonderful knowing you, and I hope this continues for many years more.

  5. Mort_Sinclair

    Okay, bedroom, Bush, Sr. , and Nixon. Ugh. I'll have to squeeze my eyes and legs shut all night after that association. Thanks, Ken. Happy New Year to you, too.

  6. Golfing_OJ

    East Coast inna HOOOOUUUSE.
    Happy New Year muthafuggahs! Timepieces are fascinating machines, never forget!

  7. iburl

    On 12/21/12 the 13th b'ak'tun will end and the 14th will begin and the doomsayers will be very rich men. In reality, Earth's complete collapse as a human-viable biosphere is at least 5 years off.

  8. ChernobylSoup

    What could possibly go wrong in a year that starts off with a handful of Iowan evangelicals exerting undue influence over a major party's nominee for commander in chief?

    1. SudsMcKenzie

      True, we will start the year with a high water mark of Santorum. However, I look forward to seeing the emergence of Sarah Palins third chin, Chuck Grassley's tweets, and Chris Mathew's inevitable on air cardial infarction. I guess I'm just an optimist.

      1. PalinzADummy

        I'm fervently hoping Mitt will kack in the middle of his campaign. Unlikely, I know, but I just can't think of any other way to get this irritating, smarmy, perennial-candidateBot to get off the fucking National Stage for GOOD!

        Happy New Year, Suds. And a New Year's hug to ya.

  9. Joshua Norton

    It isn't midnight in San Fran yet. I'm at a party playing with my new Samsung smart phone. Still haven't quite got the hang of the slide-out keyboard. 4 glasses of champagne isn't helping, either.

    That said, I do wish you all a good 2012. Happy New Year!

  10. PocketsTheClown

    Thanks again, o great god of comedy, for bringing Wonkette into my life. I've never had vodka come out my nose as I burst forth with laughter, and I now know what it means to "yiff it". Trucknutz, also.

  11. Extemporanus

    Happy New Year, Ken.

    The understaffed humor hospice that is our Wonkette just wouldn't be the same without you, your tireless angels of mercy, and — most importantly — my fellow fist-afflicted terminal snark-sacks who check in here to die, laughing, year after miserable fucking year.

  12. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Weed may be be better than champagne for avoiding a hangover, but add a little St. Germain to the champagne and someone is bound to be on their back with you in the guest bedroom.

    It's that vs. eating all the hors d'oeuvres by yourself from the munchies.

    We report, you decide.

    Happy Y2K12 everyone!

    1. tessiee

      "eating all the hors d'oeuvre from the munchies."

      "Somebody answered the phone and said you didn't live there anymore,
      and it was your Mom!
      Went to a party,
      Ate all the 'dervs,
      And we're a bad trip"

      Camper van Beethoven, "we're a bad trip"

  13. the_problem_child

    Love you, wonkette. Consider yourself kissed. 2012 is only two hours and a few minutes old here and I'm in a kissing mood.

    1. user-of-owls

      If by "threads" you mean "clothes", then yes, all our threads are open. And that's a good thing. Mostly.

  14. Limeylizzie

    Happy New Year from the hills of Hollywood where the arson is bringing down the house. What would I do without the Wonkette, I'm kissing all of you in about an hour and a half.

      1. Limeylizzie

        Happy New Year darling, it really is Neville, Trevor is the foster cat I have when I am in NYC.

        1. PalinzADummy

          He looks *just* like Neville! I have a sudden overpowering desire to adopt him.

          I must resist. No new beasts till I can at least take care of me.

          How old is he?

          1. Limeylizzie

            Neville is the Ginger Tom, Trevor is a little Tuxedo, not sure which cat you are looking at, but the orange boy is my beloved and challenged Neville.

          2. PalinzADummy

            I thought I saw a picture of a big floofy ginger cat labeled "Trevor." Sigh. Wishful thinking I guess. I do miss that big hairbag a lot.

            Hugs to Neville, then, if he's brave enough to dare them. Maybe I'll look for a Zingiber-reincarnation-ginger-kitty come March when my knee's all better.

    1. PalinzADummy

      No thanks. They poop, pee, lay eggs, and fuck through the same aperture. And I'd rather have my eggs poached than scrambled.

      Happy New Year, Lionel[redacted]! (Hugs the bourbon-drinker hard)

  15. ChernobylSoup

    Prediction time:

    1. Nominee Romney picks Pawlenty for VP, loses bad in November.
    2. Bunch of old white people say terribly racist things.
    3. George Lucas sees error of his ways, apologizes, still gets thrown out cargo door during Virgin Galactic's maiden voyage.
    4. Kate Beckinsale sees error of her ways, moves in with me.
    5. Nate Silver loses it, kills everyone at Rassmusen with a slide rule.

    1. Spurning Beer

      6. Sarah Palin announces her salmon-based fragrance, Midnight Sun.
      7. Sarah Palin hawks flag pins on HSN.
      8. Child Protective Services takes custody of Willow, Elbow, and Adverb Palin.
      9. R. Kelly attempts a come-back by endorsing the Tea Party and publishing a memoir, Wee-wee The People.

      1. tessiee

        "Child Protective Services takes custody of Willow, Elbow, and Adverb Palin."

        However, Marshmallow, Treetop, Garage, and Turd Palin are allowed to remain with their "mother" and continue their job as campaign/anti-choice props.

    2. tessiee

      Bunch of old white people say terribly racist things, then waffle and fumfer and issue some sort of "taken out of context" disclaimer, then do anything whatsoever that is NOT apologizing.

  16. sbj1964

    My New Years resolution has been the same for 25 years.I will not climb Mount Everest this year.And try not to masturbate as much as I did last year.Like I can keep that up forever?

    1. Loaded_Pants

      I try to masturbate more each year. When I'm old, they're just going to love me at the home.

  17. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wise words from M. Layne. As one crappy year ends, let us all look forward to the fact that if all goes right, the world is done for next December.

  18. RavenRant

    Glad to see the end of 2011, but I'm afraid that 2012 will challenge my sanity and my liver with the never-ending Lovecraftian horror of the Republican Goat Rodeo.

    Happy New Year, Wonketteers!

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      "Lovecraftian horror of the Republican Goat Rodeo."

      I think we're going to see a lot of that phrase.

      1. RavenRant

        Hugs back at ya, PAD. All good things for you in 2012!

        New Year's Resolution: Help each other to maintain what's left of our sanity, and make sure the snark tanks are topped off at all times.

    1. tessiee

      Snooki/Christie, because why not put the more intelilgent, attractive, and charismatic person as the front-runner?

  19. mrblifil

    So… two of the most hated, hateful people this nation has ever produced exchange meaningless pleasantries while masking their horrible insecurities and loneliness. And this is how fucking Wonkette wants me to start the brand new year. And here sit I having lapped it up with a spoon. Richard Nixon, ca. 1971. Thanks, Wonkette. Thanks. For fucking nothing.

    I suppose it falls to me, for the sake of logical consistency, to now attempt to beat off to old pictures of Jason Robards. I'll let you know how it turns out.

    1. tessiee

      "two of the most hated, hateful people this nation has ever produced exchange meaningless pleasantries while masking their horrible insecurities and loneliness."

      I'd feel much better if I believed for one second that either of them had horrible insecurities and loneliness, but I suspect that they both thought they were just jim-dandy, and it never occurred to either of them to have insecurities, or even a smidgen of honest humility or self-doubt. You could tell that by every smirk, every gesture, every word that came out of their miserable, self-satisfied mouths.
      Then again, one of them at least has the decency to be dead and in Hell now.

  20. Biff

    I think I'ma just sit here in my Forever Lazy® footie/hoodie and just veg out for the year. What could possibly go wrong…

  21. flamingpdog

    In the New Year, I resolve to:

    1. Drink less.
    2. No, no, I meant drink more.
    3. OK, drink as much as possible, more or less.
    4. Put the moves on Sara Benincasa at her book signing in Denver in March. Get her drunk. And me drunk. And pass out before anything happens.
    5. Hold my nose, vote for Barry for Preznit, and drink a lot, lot more election night. And party like it's 1789.

    1. user-of-owls

      Are we supposed to get one for New Years? And more importantly, where's my jet pack?? They promised us jet packs!! Grrr.

        1. user-of-owls

          No, really, the more I think about it, the more Dok makes sense. I want my New Year's Jew, dammit!

      1. RavenRant

        I would like a jetpack, a flying car, a transporter, a replicator and/or a holodeck. Any one of those things would be lovely.

        But what I NEED is that Jetson's contraption where you stagger out of bed with your eyes closed, stumble onto the treadmill, and come out the other side showered, perfumed, dressed, coiffed, made-up, and WIDE AWAKE.

        Robot servants would also be helpful.

  22. BarackMyWorld

    I'm making plans for next New Year's Eve: Stay up all night watching stupid prediction movies about this year and laugh at how wrong they were.

  23. DerrickWildcat

    Everybody will be very happy because 2012 will be a pretty good year. I can just feel it.

    I promise to be a better person to other people and to be a better friend to all animals. (even the ones that bite and sting)

    Happy New Year!

        1. PalinzADummy

          Thanks. Let me know if you find out how to not have bad thoughts. I have LOTS of problems with that. I wish the people who make me think those thoughts would disappear into a cornfield and end the problem, but there you go. They just won't cooperate. (Hugs Derrick once more)

    1. e_z

      Sitting here in the eastern panhandle of WVa, reading wonkette, pounding down the coffee and watching a deer bonkng the bird feeder by the patio to steal black oil sunflower seeds from the assorted cold birds.

      Deer, nothing but fucking Wood Rats…

      1. Rotundo_

        Rats? No, they would have to develop some skills to make it to rat level. I tend to think of them as goats with the brains of houseflies. Really pretty things, but they don't have the tiniest bit of intellectual functioning at all. They eat, screw, and get hit by cars because they evidently think that the supreme deer is taking them to deer heaven or something when they see the headlights. They're the fundamentalists of the animal kingdom… At least venison is tasty if prepared right.

    2. tessiee

      "People were shooting off their shootin' irons for 1 1/2 hours before midnight rolled around… "

      They do that here, too. I always wonder what happens to the bullets when they come down.

    3. PalinzADummy

      Happy New Year, thunder! For the first time since EVAH, my fuckin' neighbours weren't scaring the shit out of the old ladies in the neighbourhood by firing off their other pistols. Must've all headed out by your end of the swamp for the holidays. (Hugs thunder)

  24. Geminisunmars

    Wonkette, don't fail me now. I think the only way I'll be surviving 2012 is to find refuge here, away from all the republicaning primary and all the electioneering that will be flung about this coming year. I cannot believe that they have this disgusting group of primates as their selection. All we can do is har har har while they deep throat their corn dogs. Thank you, Ken. Keep it up, in all senses.

    1. HistoriCat

      this disgusting group of primates as their selection

      I think you're being too generous there – no way all of them are primates.

      1. user-of-owls

        This is why we never should have given women the right to vote. They are too emotional.

        tee hee

      1. Geminisunmars

        Hey, I sent a reply thru email and see that it didn't get here. So Happy New Year and Gear to you, Sweet Boy. Hope that knee of yours of all better now.

        (How about for New Year's you change your name – I can't call you Dummy or Palinz — although they have the same meaning. I know, I'll just call you Pal.)

        1. PalinzADummy

          (Hugs that special wonderful gal) Hope the pups got their NY treats and prezzies! Knee's still not that great. It would help if I would be better about taking the fucking painkillers, but they make it so hard to think that I just keep "forgetting." Eh. Gotta take one now and pass out. I'll work on the name change when I get up.

  25. imissopus

    My resolutions for the New Year: to find a couple of handicapped lesbian dwarves for a threesome. And also to floss more. And to make sure the whiskey does not run out before midnight next New Year's Eve. Happy New Year!

    1. PalinzADummy

      You're a very sick individual. I hope the coming year brings you all the things you wish for (except maybe the handicapped lesbian dwarves, unless they REALLY want you for a threesome). (Hugs imissopus cautiously)

    1. flamingpdog

      ♫ Sharia!
      We've just set a law named Sharia.
      And suddenly the shame
      Will start a game of blame,
      Tee hee!

      Sharia!
      We've just blessed a law named Sharia.
      And suddenly we frowned
      As justice ran aground
      You see!

      Sharia!
      Say it loud and there's much doomsaying,
      Say it soft and it's almost betraying.

      Sharia,
      We'll never stop playing Sharia!

      The most wrathful hellhound ever pondered.
      Sharia. ♫

  26. angerbear

    Judging by the explosions I've been hearing in all directions for the past hour, either the Mayan apocalypse has come early or the local Tea Partiers are "reaching consensus" on their primary candidate of choice.

  27. Steverino247

    May your Creeping Sharia blossom and fill your lives with happy flowers. May the Republican Party implode right about…NOW! May my house remodel finally end. May the comments of Barb, Liz and Ms. Taken continue to cause our naughty bits to tingle from afar. May we continue to be as witty as can be in the new year. May I be able to ask the President to pass the salt sometime soon because I've got a few things to talk to him about, believe me, if I win that dinner contest.

  28. MiniMencken

    Just goes to show, Dick Nixon was a regular guy, if you consider a paranoid crypto-fascist evil turd of a patsy of the racist-corporate shill faction of the American ruling class to be a regular guy. Just sayin'.

    1. HedonismBot

      Smarter than any of the current crop of teatards representing his party. And Nixon was more liberal than Obama, too. WTF happened?

  29. paris biltong

    Re. that Champagne vs grass thing, it may be true if you're just using, but the reverse applies if you're engaged in commerce. Just a caveat.
    Other than that, best wishes to all Wonketteers from fast sinking Euroland.

  30. sbj1964

    News FLASH !! Tim Tebow made a deal with scratch at a cross road in Mississippi to become a famous football player,and the only way he can get his soul back is a Guitar dual on a PlayStation.Note: Obscure movie reference no one will get.The flashing red light on my palm is distracting.Siolent Green is People! Get your Filthy Ape hands off me! It's good to be the King.Welcome to the Party Pal! And Vankman your girlfriend is a dog.WTF? it's 4:30am who you going to call?

    1. bagofmice

      What is up with your keyboard? Some people double space after a period. Your keyboard spaces after an exclamation and a colon, but no spaces after a period. It's like a weird bidi issue. Arabic? Hebrew? Insanely strict vertical Japanese?

  31. freakishlywrong

    It's Sunday, why the fuck am I awake already? I didn't get my time machine, so it looks like I'll have to get through another god forsaken election year with my fantastic pretend internet friends on the Wonket.
    Let's roll, bitches!

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      I did a quick tally and I find that I have more "pretend internet friends" than actual flesh and blood types – it's close…but more is more. Somehow this works for me.

      1. Biff

        For me, it ain't even close. Being surrounded by republicans and Paultards has pushed me deeper into my cave, only to emerge when the pantry is empty.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      And it is fucking leap year to boot. Who decreed (that Augustus Caesar Nixon guy?) that every election year is also a leap year? Or is it the other way around? Why do we have to add another year to this moronic mess? Huh?

      1. Biff

        Caesar, in his infinite wisdom, knew we'd never get that 1st Tuesday in November back, so he gave us February 29th.

    3. tessiee

      "I didn't get my time machine"

      Things To Do with Time Machine:
      1. Go back to 1969 and copyright "Stairway to Heaven".
      2. Go back to 1968 and have sex with Jimi Hendrix.
      3. Go back to about age 20, when I thought I was ugly as sin, and appreciate how cute I was. Bitch slap a few of the guys I dated back in those days.
      4. Go back to whenever it was that I lit that first cigarette, remember how tough it was to quit for good, and put that sucker right back in the pack.
      5. All those times when I thought of the perfect answer/comeback but only *after* it was too late? I wrote them all down and I'M READY!

  32. ttommyunger

    6:43 on a Sunday morning, the day after New Year's Eve, and I'm parboiling my 'nads with a laptop perusing the Wonkette. How fucking sad is that? Oh well, everybody's got to be somewhere, and I'm here with y'all. BTW, I'm glad you all are here with me; you have no idea how much wisdom, insight, humor and malevolent joy you add to my otherwise mundane existence; thank you, Staff and Wonketeers, and my God richly bless you in this new year, whoever that may be to you.

  33. Tsunami Ali

    Thanks, Wonkett, for helping me through my first sober new year's since I was 15. God love you all and keep you safe in 2012.

    (sorry, it's 7 fucking 15 in the morning, I just woke up, and I cannot muster the snark)

    1. ProgressiveInga

      Hey TA, no snark necessary and welcome to January 1st without a throbbing headache, cotton mouth, regrets about saying that thing to that girl last night, etc…..This is my 21st grateful, sober new year's day and F*CK! I'm old….

      Happy New Year and may the snark be with you when you're ready!

      ~Inga~

    2. tessiee

      "my first sober new year's since I was 15"

      A tip of the sesquipidalian tiara to you, good sir or madam.

    3. Jukesgrrl

      As another Wonketeer who celebrates with non-alcoholic bevvies, I welcome you to the club. Biff and Inga are correct, it does get easier. Wishing you strength and hope in the new year. And we're here anytime you need a laugh. You don't have to snark.

  34. Bluestatelibel

    I predict Nature will continue to step up her war on humanity: this morning Japan's already been hit by a 7.0 earthquake (no one hurt – yet). I wish you all a happy New Year and the good luck to stay out of Her path. Cheers!

  35. Monsieur_Grumpe

    "Marijuana is a lot better than champagne, especially the next morning."

    Now you tell me… groan.
    Happy New Year Libtards. May a Supreme Court Justice, of your choice, be caught with his pants down in an inapropriate sex act of a disgusting nature.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Naw, the wimmins aren't the problem. I'd be super-satisfied with Thomas demonstrating his devotion to Alito in a bathroom stall anywhere.

        And, thanks, Mon. Grumpe, that's the best new year's wish I've heard yet.

    1. HedonismBot

      How about Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, Alito and Kennedy, caught all together with their pants down and engaging in a collective inappropriate sex act of a disgusting nature? Out with all five of them at once. What a great way to start the new year!

      1. HarryButtle

        That makes for a pretty disgusting image…but in the interest of humanity I'll allow it and hope it comes to pass.

    2. tessiee

      "May a Supreme Court Justice, of your choice, be caught with his pants down in an inapropriate sex act of a disgusting nature."

      Anything involving Fat Tony with his pants down is by definition disgusting.

  36. C_R_Eature

    Nixon. So we’re starting off the New Year with Nixon. Seems appropriate, considering what we’ve been through last year.
    Well, as my January 1st morning gift to all you Wonketteers, here’s a link to the Good Doctor Hunter S. Thompson’s magnificent 1994 eulogy to Nixon.
    He Was A Crook
    And here’s a tasty bit, right now, to cheer you :
    ”If the right people had been in charge of Nixon's funeral, his casket would have been launched into one of those open-sewage canals that empty into the ocean just south of Los Angeles. He was a swine of a man and a jabbering dupe of a president. Nixon was so crooked that he needed servants to help him screw his pants on every morning. Even his funeral was illegal. He was queer in the deepest way. His body should have been burned in a trash bin.”
    There were few who could weaponize the English language quite like HST

    1. Spurning Beer

      Really? I never thought of Harry S Truman as a great wordsmith.

      Then again, I never thought Elvis was especially articulate, but people still refer to "The King's English."

      1. BelleSC

        Everything funny and snarky that everyone has already said so far except the part about handicapped lesbian threesome.

        As is apparently the case with everyone else here I enjoy the Wonkette more than I enjoy most things except maybe sex and booze. So y'all keep safe and keep writing stuff that makes me know there are real live thinking people out there instead of the repugs by which I am surrounded here in South Cackalacky.

    2. Dashboard Buddha

      "Nixon was a professional politician, and I despised everything he stood for—but if he were running for president this year against the evil Bush–Cheney gang, I would happily vote for him." HST

    3. tessiee

      I think it was Stephen King (of all people) who said about Nixon: "So now we're calling him a 'statesman', when, if there were any justice, he'd be blowing the other convicts for cigarettes".

        1. tessiee

          I think it was in the introduction to one of his books, but I don't remember for sure. I've actually tried googling it myself, and couldn't find it. Since I read so much, I have a whole lot of things jumbled around in my memory that I don't remember exactly *where* I read them, and often post without attribution. If only there were some way I could resolve not to do that.

    4. tessiee

      And can I just say?
      In all the brouhaha about what an unpleasant and unethical person Nixon was, it rarely gets pointed out that the man was, all kidding aside, mentally ill.
      I mean, really, *making lists of your enemies*? Plotting against them? Taping all of your conversations?
      I think Nixon was certifiably, hospitalizably, fucking nuts.

      1. flamingpdog

        Right on point. I've often wondered of late if he had a third, illegitimate daughter raised as Michele Bachmann. Paranoia strikes deep.

  37. weejee

    One of my best summers ever. Running creep tests (really) on concrete for ~ 15 min each morning and then spending the rest of the day smoking weed, playing pinochle, and watching Sam Ervin's Watergate Hearings. Sam shoulda got a producer's Emmy & Tony Ulasewicz one for a supporting role when he told the Ctte with a stone cold straight face that he did not think it was unusual to be hiding manila envelopes stuffed with $25,000 in phone booths. Ah, the rigors of grad school.

    Happy New Year one and all, even the trolls.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I will always think of the Watergate hearings, which I enjoyed up close and personal in our nation's capital, as one of the great highlights of my life. Watching the Prince of Darkness and his evil crew being taken out was pure pleasure. That said, I regret to realize that Nixon was a liberal by today's standards. How in heaven's name did that happen?

  38. ProgressiveInga

    Hey, look! Frothy Mixture is on Meat the Press and just said "there has been an explosion of spending by this administration….." He knows from explosions, right?

  39. Goonemeritus

    I find it sobering to think these two were the best Republican presidents in my life time. I'm am sadly not being ironic with this statement I would gladly take either over the present crop of todays candidates in 2012.

  40. deanbooth

    I happened to notice on the teevee that the word Occupy was on a list of "words to be banished" in 2012. How about we make "Fuck you Lake Superior State University" the catch-phrase of 2012? And fuck CBS for broadcasting it, also too.

  41. V572 the Merciless

    Mittens could take some lessons in how to sound caring, genuine and sincere from those two.

    1. Negropolis

      Yes, let us please do the 60's, again, but this time not prematurely drop the ball near the end of the game.

  42. Come here a minute

    I think you find a lot of folks in "the office" on New Years — worshipping at the porcelain throne.

    1. Rotundo_

      A highly fluid race was also a legitimate, but amusing description of the race and Santorum's "light brown line rocketing up as Paul drops down." was pure genius. I think we're all going to enjoy the "Santorum Streak Comes To An End" headline in a couple of weeks.

    2. Bluestatelibel

      I love the horserace aspect of all this, it's so exciting, just like a real horserace, except one where all the horses are brain-damaged.

  43. kissawookiee

    Gooooood morning Wonketteers. Like many of you, I have a screaming hangover. Unlike many of you, unfortch, this is due not to any kind of revelry last night but, rather, to an extreme sideways chainsaw assfuck of a weaponized cold delivered courtesy of my brother's humorless hag of a fiancee.

    I'm going to start drinking *now*, since I can't possibly feel any worse. Viva 2012!

    1. PalinzADummy

      Poor Wookiee. Here's a NY hug and here's one to help you feel better. Try ingesting some ginger tea in between bouts of drinking, it'll keep you from horking your guts up.

  44. starfanglednut

    My fellow snarketeers, fear not the Mayan apocalypse. The guy in charge of that calendar just got sick of carving the damn thing, and went out to see a sacrifice with his buddies.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Shit! You just took all the fun out of the planned December 20-21 'party-like-there's-no-tomorrow" party.

      We'll just have to party anyway. So there. Too.

      1. Dudleydidwrong

        Bring back the Mayans!
        (I didn't need that swat upside my head from my wife this morning…)

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      The guy doing the carving ran out of room. That is all.
      This happens when you carve circular calendars.
      (Damned fools didn't even carve cute kittens into the thing. No wonder they only sold one of 'em.)

    3. tessiee

      "fear not the Mayan apocalypse"

      I had (and probably still have somewhere) an old Mad paperback that randomly contained a drawing that looked like one of those circular carved stone calendars. the caption said:

      "Ancient Aztec Symbol of Evil
      .
      .
      If gazed upon, causes death within the year
      .
      .
      .
      too bad for you if you looked."

      1. Loaded_Pants

        Shot down by Palin when she was moose/elephant/Todd hunting…or whatever the hell she does.

  45. tessiee

    Not to sound like too much of a buzz-killing old fart, but one of the good things about having been married is that I no longer give two shits about having a date/plans/whatever for New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, et. al., which enables me to whatever it is I need to do on Dec. 31, and then get safely home before all the drunk drivers are on the road (and they start *early* here!).

    But happy new year to all the assembled multitudes here at Wonkette. You guys have made me laugh AND made me think, and I'm looking forward to the year to come (or more precisely, glad that last year is the HELL over with). Hope it's better for all of us.

  46. Dudleydidwrong

    I see that our favorite Republican candidate, Pennsylvanian Backdoor Rick, has spoken on "Meat: The Press" and declared that if he is preznut he would drop nuclear Santorum on all Iranian nuclear sites. I'm sure that millions of Christian fundamentalsts (Taliban) surged in Santorum's direction. Gonna be a fun year, folks.

  47. Neoyorquino

    Unemployed for 5 months. But someday, I too, look forward to being "ensconced in royal splendor." (Fuckers). Sorry. Just venting, and I might as well vent my spleen on GHWB and Richard (Aroo!) Nixon.

    1. Biff

      Been looking for you, to thank you for the link to snark via Droid. So, thanks, happy new year, etc.

      1. Neoyorquino

        Thanks, and right back at you with 2012 best wishes (and for all other Wonketteers for the sanity-preserving snark)!

    2. tessiee

      "someday, I too, look forward to being "ensconced in royal splendor.""

      Never been having been ensconced in anything, I have no opinion on it — but I do like to swan about.

    3. user-of-owls

      Given that I am the utterly self-proclaimed expert in all things Mayan, I'll let you in on a little secret. For fun, I was transcribing the original Popol Vuh glyphs into modern K’iche’ when I ran across something unexpected.* The passage I was working on describes the killing of Seven Macaw, an ancient 1%er, by Hunahpu and Xbalanque, the Hero Twins:

      Thus the wealth of Seven Macaw was lost, for the healers took it away—the
      jewels, the precious stones, and all that which had made him proud here upon the face of the earth.

      And there, on the side of the stele, were some tiny hieroglyphs that must have been overlooked as unimportant. In modern K’iche’ they said, "Nu achi’l k’am -wäch mokokil xaqbi." In English, it means, "My friend will soon become comfortable in a job." So friend, there you have it.

      *Yes, of course I made all this shit up. Well, I did get the part about that prick Seven Macaw getting whacked right, and that is a genuine translation from K’iche’, the language of the Popul Vuh. The part about me deciphering gllyphs, eh, not so thruthy. But still, me and the Hero Twins are pulling for you!

  48. Doktor Zoom

    Kid Zoom and I are ringing in the new year by watching as much of Ken Burns' The Civil War as we can this weekend. I haven't watched it since it first aired.

    So far, we're in agreement that General George McClellan was a real wuss, and that Abraham Lincoln was a hoopy frood who always knew where his towel was. Lincoln's line, "If General McClellan isn't going to use his army, I'd like to borrow it for a time" is going to be incorporated into Kid Zoom's speech class assignment next week; he's discussing McClellan's timidity as part of a presentation on Great Mistakes in History.

    1. memzilla

      IMHO, McClellan was a great trainer of men, but couldn't bear the thought of losing the troops' love of him by ordering them to go get killed in battle.

      As for Great Mistakes in History, how about including the worst command in military history: "Forward, men… into the temporarily dry sea!"

    2. sbj1964

      I went to Fort McClellan for basic training in the Army.And yes he was the worst General in U.S.History.

      1. AlterNewt

        Dr. Z – Did they include this unbelievable passage from a letter to his (McClellan's) wife?

        I find myself in a new and strange position here—Presdt, Cabinet, Genl Scott & all deferring to me—by some strange operation of magic I seem to have become the power of the land. … I almost think that were I to win some small success now I could become Dictator or anything else that might please me—but nothing of that kind would please me—therefore I won't be Dictator. Admirable self-denial!

        — George B. McClellan, letter to Ellen, July 26, 1861

        One of the great self-regarding 'Dicks of History'.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Yep, that was in there. Also McClellan's comments about Lincoln as "nothing more than a well-meaning baboon" and "the original gorilla."

    3. tessiee

      "So far, we're in agreement that General George McClellan was a real wuss"

      It's been awhile since I watched that. Was McClellan the general who got a bunch of people killed because he waited and waited? I do remember that I could tell McClellan was kind of a dillweed, because in every single picture of him, he had his nose up in the air and his hair looked *perfect*.

      By the way, after McClellan was finished being a crappy Civil War general, he went on to become:
      .
      .
      .
      Governor of New Jersey.
      I swear to God I am *not* making that up!

      1. Doktor Zoom

        That's the guy. Also dubbed the "Virginia Creeper" for his failure to actually attack once he'd landed in that state.

  49. chascates

    There is something Newt Gingrich is NOT a world respected leader at!

    At a town hall in Atlantic, Iowa, Saturday afternoon, Gingrich gave an unusual reason for his present denial of man-made global warming. “I’m an amateur paleontologist,” Gingrich said. “I spend a lot of time looking at the Earth’s temperature for a very long time. I’m a lot harder to convince than just looking at a computer model.” ”

    1. C_R_Eature

      "…he’s (Newt Gingrich) a stupid man’s idea of what a smart person sounds like"
      -Paul Krugman

      That is all.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      IF that were true, the dumbfuck would know that CO2 levels and temperatures were incredibly high, way back in the days before all that carbon got locked up into coal and oil deposits. And that returning to those balmy days when jungles covered Antarctica just might be a shitty idea, because if we don't like it, it's gonna be 200 million years before things get back to where they were 50 years ago.

      Fortunately, we have an alternative candidate who thinks he's gonna get his own personal planet, presumably with a perfectly swell climate (and a harem), long before the shit hits the fan for the rest of humanity. Nice Americanized version of the "76 virgins" bullshit that certain other crazed fuckers buy into.

      Which brings me to ask, who the fuck first floated the notion that we DON'T want the educated "elite" (a.k.a. people who actually know shit) to run the country? That person should be killed.

      1. PalinzADummy

        Given that it's NYD, and we're all in a good mood, and stuff, I propose we don't even think about killing him.

        Instead, I propose we think up torments galore ending JUST short of actual blessed relief, i.e., death.

        1. C_R_Eature

          Good idea. Think Happy Thoughts.

          I vote for a spontaneous, uncontrolled bout of Explosive Gastrointestinal Decompression on the next live CSPAN event. Acquired from fondling Rotavirus carrying youngsters at all those Iowa whistle stops no doubt.

          Also, the next Cruse to a Euro-Crisis impacted Mediterranean island paradise he takes ("Just for Research Purposes, mind you!") turns into a Norovirus Nightmare. Bonus points for infecting the Republican national Convention on his return trip.

          Having crossed paths with both of these plagues, I can say with certainty that it's definitely something Newt should experience. Soon.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Yes, It's All True.

            When I first read this article I thought Newt had called himself an "amateur Proctologist". On second thought, that would have been far more accurate.

    3. flamingpdog

      Dear Newt:
      As a practicing, professional paleontologist, I know a lot of amateur paleontologists, and you are no amateur paleontologist. We don't fucking need you and we certainly don't fucking want you, you slime-sucking, lard-ass, pea-brained Coryphodon. If have to hear one more time that you're an amateur paleontologist, I will personably drive to your house and ram an unlubricated, silicified dinodick up your putrid ass.

      OH, and Happy New Year, everybody!

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          I believe fpd's point is that "Coryphodon had one of the smallest brain/body ratios of any mammal, living or extinct."

          I read it on the internet, so it must be true.

          1. PalinzADummy

            Well, yes, but isn't that (broadly generally speaking) true of the cute as a group? It's hard work being cute, uses up a lot of brain cells. Not enough left over to figure out a good survival plans apparently.

      1. C_R_Eature

        flamingpdog: I just wanted to thank you for your professional expertise and the link to the Coryphodon. A new thing, for me and I love learning new things.
        Being neither a Professional nor an Amateur Paleontologist, I would have gone with a Coprolith, but "one of the smallest brain/body ratios of any mammal, living or extinct." is way cooler.

        1. flamingpdog

          Don't tell Palinz, but I think Coryphodon was also one of the butt-ugliest (as restored) mammals in existence.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Just between you, me and the lamppost, then.

            That's another thing Gingrich and Coryphodon have in common!

    4. Dudleydidwrong

      "I spend a lot of time looking at the Earth's temperature for a very long time."

      I'm sure he does, and he uses a rectal thermometer stuck up his own ass.

    5. tessiee

      "“I spend a lot of time looking at the Earth’s temperature for a very long time."

      WTF does that even mean?
      Without trying to deconstruct all the grammatical and syntactical nightmares in that quote…
      How, exactly, does that bloated, pasty, cancer-wife-divorcing serial adulterer "look at the Earth's temperature", for a very long time, or a very short time, or any length of time whatsoever? Does Newt, when he's not mainlining cheetos, molesting interns, enjoying his daily lard rubdown, or spending taxpayer money at Tiffany's, sit on his fat, cellulite-riddled, white ass, staring at the porch thermometer for hours at a time? Or is he under the influence of some powerful hallucinogen that makes him think that he can actually look at a temperature?

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        No matter. Teabaggers don't try to work out the actual meaning of the dog whistles they respond to.
        Try reading some of Reagan's speeches sometime, and you'll be screaming "WTF?" in short order, for the same reason.

          1. PalinzADummy

            You DID? Gadz, what a fate! My deepest sympathies. He was the original bubblehead.

            Did I give you one of my patented NotDrunken New Year's Hugs? If not, here go. ()

    6. Guppy

      “I’m an amateur paleontologist,”

      It's a lot easier when you only have 6000 years of history to account for.

    7. gurukalehuru

      Yeah, my 9 year old is an amateur paleontologist, too, if by amateur paleontologist we mean somebody who likes movies with dinosaurs in them, which I'm pretty sure we do.

  50. chascates

    Surging Sweater-Vested Rick Santorum, interviewed by Chuck Todd:
    ANTORUM: I think marriage has to be one thing for everybody. We can’t have 50 different marriage laws in this country, you have to have one marriage law…

    TODD: What would you do with same-sex couples who got married? Would you make them get divorced?

    SANTORUM: Well, their marriage would be invalid. I think if the constitution says “marriage is this,” then people whose marriage is not consistent with the constitution… I’d love to think there’s another way of doing it.

    He went on to claim that “same-sex couples can contract for everything” except government benefits and compared the loving marriages of many gay and lesbian couples to having a friend or an aunt.

    via ThinkProgress

    1. PalinzADummy

      I think I'm just gonna strangle the little fuck. Asshole, I've got gay friends who've been married longer than you AND your parents combined. And if I were monogamously inclined, I'd be one of them. Asshole!

  51. sbj1964

    Suday Jan 1st 2012. Still waiting on that flying car,Moon base Alpha,and That hover board from Back to the Future.Maybe next year?Oh right,there wont be a next year.Stupid Hollywood!

  52. BigDumbRedDog

    I rang in the new year with a fever of 101. So far 2012 sucks as much as 2011. Ima take a nap now and hopefully wake up in 2013.

    1. PalinzADummy

      Sorry to hear that. Here's a nice warm NY hug. Is there anyone around who can help take care of you? Take aspirin to bring the fever down, if it's not contraindicated for you.

      Here's hoping you return to us before long.

    1. Bluestatelibel

      I hear Mittens is notoriously cheap; they only way he'd buy votes is with other people's money. But Newt in general is correct (on this matter only of course).

    2. Biff

      That's precious. As if Newt wouldn't buy an election if HE could, too. Problem is, Mitt actually can.
      (Erroneously posted to NtD's comment, fixed.)

      1. tessiee

        The difference being that it would be a huge step *down* for Mitt, who could just spend the rest of his life in luxury with his billions, instead of using them to buy a job.

  53. sbj1964

    New Years day American Football.The sport of Kings! Wait that's horse racing.American Football the sport that Soccer wishes it could be!

    1. BarackMyWorld

      The good news is that the track record for these type (or any other type) of predictions isn't very good.

  54. AlterNewt

    Former Wonkette writer guy Jason Linkins wrote this morning, of Michelle Bachmann:

    "Proven and tested in the fires of Washington! Maybe stared into those flames too long! Maybe, she sees those flames, dancing in her mind's eye when she dreams! These are all just maybes! And yet, the flames, the flames!"

    1. sbj1964

      Marcus Bachman ,and his Gay tribute to the Village people are what is normally dancing in her head.

    2. BarackMyWorld

      I forgot he used to write over here….I've been enjoying his Huffpost work tremendously lately.

      1. chascates

        Such as (from today):
        "We're number one in the category of enthusiasm," says Bachmann, who has never met a Ron Paul supporter. (Actually, she has, I forget her old Iowa campaign manager is a Ron Paul supporter now!)

    3. tessiee

      After which, she ate a bunch of sugar cubes, put her shirt on inside-out, and ran around yelling, "I AM CORNHOLIO!!"

    4. Joshua Norton

      Apropos of nothing in particular, that sounds like a variation of crazy Dalek Caan's speech in "Dr. Who".

      I flewww into the wild and fire… I danced and died a thousand times…

      /trivia lesson

  55. BarackMyWorld

    Santorum and Paul are using this last weekend before the caucus to shoot themselves in the foot.

    Now, admittedly, pro-lifers will eat that crazy "Obama should be pro-life because he's black" stuff up and Rick's actually said it before, but throwing race into the abortion debate is not the kind of thing you say if you want to be seen as electable.

    Paul, however, while being consistent is also now totally fucked. Between this and the newsletter stuff, the press from across the political spectrum going to come after him HARD now.

    1. flamingpdog

      (1) Santorum lives in a completely different world.

      (2) I was momentarily afraid to click on the "Santorum" link, this being Wonkette. Thanks for sending me to a non-sploogey site.

      (3) I hate that Ron Paul actually makes sense in same of his observations, in a perfect world. Too bad individual racism in our non-perfect world is just as if not even more insidious and dangerous than governmentally-enforced apartheid.

      (4) Remind me to never step on his lawn.

    2. Negropolis

      I just read the Paul story. What makes me so angry about it is how totally unnecessary it was. Of all of the actual legislation through our modern history that has undermined privacy and he chooses the Civil Rights Act of 1964? Are you fucking kidding me?! If anyone was still giving him the benefit of the doubt concerning whether he was an actual racist or not, this should be the station you get off at on the train. To go that far out of one's way to make a totally silly point is proof enough as far as I'm concerned. It takes a special level of dangerous derangement to point to that 1964 act as the bases of the erosion of privacy.

      For the love of everything good and holy, prop this special, little guy up as the GOP standard bearer. This is American Libertarianism's dirty little secret – a secret not so secret if people would look at them more than once a year. Modern American Libertarianism has a strain of xenophobia even more virulent and dangerous than that in the general Republican Party. The main party strain is kind of reflexive, ignorant, and mindless. It's so not subtle and so in-your-face that for even as digusting as it it, it can often be laughed at because of its clumsiness. The strain in American Libertarianism is built around a more sophisticated, subtle philosophy, but one that is even more dangerously and woefully wrong, historically and morally so. Libertarianism is often so popular where it is in this country because its adherents believe that when played out to its end game that it "solves" an ethnic "problem." Normal people laugh at the talk of a race war. These people believe and anticipate it as surely as they do anything else they believe, but even more to the point, they welcome it.

      Let these fuckers be a rude American revelation. Let the stoner, college Paultards see who and what they've really and actually been worshipping. Your decrepit, crypt-kept emperor has no clothes. He's a dirty and evil old man, right on a handful of issues but fatally wrong on almost all others.

  56. hunnybee

    dear Wonketteers, thank you for the many belly laughs. you are witty and smart and i love stopping by to hang out and to learn a little something.
    Barb i hope you are feeling fine. i was away for the holidays so i am late to the party. anyway you folks are much appreciated and i just wanted you to know that.

    1. PalinzADummy

      (Hugs the hunnybee) I don't remember if I met you, talked to you, or hugged you, but I'm on my third or fourth painkiller/spliff combo of the day, and no longer care. A very happy New Year to you!

  57. WinterOuthouse

    So, I go outside this afternoon because there is a bit of commotion. There, I see a drunk ass bastard rolling around on the goddamn street. Cars are stopped as this drunk asshole staggers around in a wide wrestler's stance. He finally throws up and makes his way off the street, only to bumble about and get tangled in the Evergreen Tree. He crawls out from under the tree and fumbles along for another half a block creating a wave of drunken stupidity, followed by a stream of piss. I'm just about to call 911 for this poor alcohol poisoned son-of-a-bitch when a pick up truck pulls up and a crew of slightly more sober rednecks jump out and grab the drunken lout, whisking him off to the semi-safety of his friends' bosoms. Then it hits me. This guy looks exactly like Ken.

    All is true except for the Ken part…

  58. Negropolis

    I think we're gonna need a bigger year, y'all.

    I just wont my Wonketteers to promise me one thing. If you start hearing Leon Panetta or David "Peaches" talking about an inevitable war with Iran, I want to see every one of you out in the streets.

  59. fuflans

    i think i haven't been sober since november.

    practicing for 2012…

    happy new year my worthly wokette skum!

  60. fartknocker

    Happy Jizzuary fellow Wonketters. Tomorrow we get watch Iowa bring out the best the GOP has to offer and cream of the Koch.

    It's going to suck having Rick Perry back in Texas.

  61. slowhansolo

    Well, let's just say I probably won't be spending anymore New Year's Eves outside of the house. From now on, people come to my place, where I can at least be assured something interesting will happen, whether there are people there or not.

  62. Radiotherapy

    Hey I'm bored here. does anyone else see the subliminal booty action in the Iced Tea Shocker ad in the sidebar?

  63. DustBowlBlues

    Meh. More than 400 comments? I'm going to wait for wonkette Jr. (if that's even his/her real name) to start anew for the new year. Gag. Sorry, been shopping beekeeping sites and shit like this just creeps into the vocab when first thing you read is "To Bee or Not To Bee" and other such cutesy gems.

  64. Biff

    On my way to a dentist appointment, because apparently my capitalist pig dentist doesn't care to give his employees the holiday off. Fine with me, but it sure would be nice to have a fresh new post to welcome me home when i get back.

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