worst new year's greeting ever

Richard Nixon and George Bush Sr. Wish You a Happy New Year!

Here comes 2012, everybody! Hopefully you’re not sitting in your office like Richard Nixon used to, while everybody else was smooching and drinking champagne or whatever, in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Consider this your Open Comment Thread for the first day of the last year of Earth.

PRO TIP: Marijuana is a lot better than champagne, especially the next morning.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • DrunkIrishman

    Tricky Dick wanted to taste George's bush. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

  • Barb

    Happy New Year, bitches!

    • HistoriCat

      Back at ya, you sassy kitten!

      • Barb

        I'm so happy that it is a new year that I would follow you around all day and head butt you.

        • tessiee

          Since you're apparently both cats, I'm not sure how that would work — but Happy New Year to all, and I hope it's better than the last.

        • Graham Cracker

          Oooohhh! Cat fight

    • AlterNewt

      And to you, Barb.

      • Barb

        Thank you!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Happy New Year, sweet pretty lady! And HNY to Jeffers, too, and the kids and grandkids! Is that Pawleen in the pic?

      • Barb

        That is Pawleen, yes. Happy New Year to you, too. I am hoping for 2012 to be a wonderful year.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          From your lips straight to the ears of some benevolent powerful entity. NY hugs to all at the Pawleen household!

          • sbj1964

            And 100% Happy New year Marks to you +1 PAD!

          • Barb

            Oh God, Palinz! I feel completely shittified for lying to you. I don't have a pet. I live in the desert and I have hawks, large eagles and coyotes who eat the 200+ birds that I feed daily. I have Amazon ship me 12 lb bags of corn kernels every week and I make popcorn for my birdies and I give them water in the birdbath 4 times daily. I sit next to a window and watch the large predator birds swoop down and eat my baby birds and cringe.

            "Pawleen" is a Fig Newton of my imagination and I wish I could own her and many others. You just can't do that in the desert of New Mexico. I can't "legally" kill the big bad birds. I have lots of Native American friends who can, lol. (they use the feathers in their religious rituals and are exempt from the laws)

            After I have the surgery, I am going to go to a shelter and find a cat or dog and ask them, whisker to freckled face, "okay, will you stay in the house with Mommy?" They will get to sleep in the bed with me, help me with the tough words as I read my Kindle at night and, like me, they will pee pee a little on the carpet when daddy pulls into the garage after work.

          • Guppy

            "I sit next to a window and watch the large predator birds swoop down and eat my baby birds and cringe. "

            I didn't realize Neilist was into falconry.

          • Barb

            That's bullshit! You can't say that about Neilist. he doesn't eat baby birds, he eats babies. Let's not start any rumors around here.

          • Biff

            Pawleen is unnecessarily kewt, anyway. I have friends in Puerto Penasco that have an all-white cat named Caspurr, same offense.

          • not that Dewey

            My older cat, Boutique (Boo for short), we found her when we were living in the South Valley — ribs showing, you could hold her in one hand, a tasty little morsel. Her original name was "Hawk Food". She's 9 now, and she goes outside. The hawks around here mainly stick to the flood plain and the golf course.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            I have in-laws who raise baby goats and turkeys and stuff. They name all of them variants of "Meal."

          • not that Dewey

            Hawk Food has continued the tradition, begun three cats ago, of drinking water EXCLUSIVELY out of my glass on the table, and not touching any other source of water. She looks at me with her "where is my water?" expression, and I have to drop what I'm doing and go fetch a new glass of water for the two of us to share. She'll wait patiently on the coffee table until I return.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            I see she has you well trained. At least she didn't care for the taste of alcohol. (I have one cat with a hollow leg. Can't set down a wineglass unattended around her.)

          • not that Dewey

            And now she has some contact dermatitis that the vet wants to treat with — wait for it — kitty hormone replacement therapy. Poor Booboo is going through the Change!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            Oh, noes! (Hugs Booboo and the whole damn ntDewey Fambly) What a life!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            ZOMG, a Virtual Kitten! And I thought ICanHasCheezbrgr had that market all sewn up.

            What's the surgery date?They must've given you that already? I wanna be sure I'm sitting here pants off ready to peepee on the carpet when you come home to Teh Wonketz.

          • Barb

            Feb 8th, Wednesday, 7:30 A.M.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            I'll prepare the pee pads for deployment. (Hug)

            Hope you're taking good care of yourself, sweetie.

          • Barb

            I'm good, thanks! How's the knee?
            I went to the mall and got some pajamas and stuff for the hospital today. I HATE shopping! I'll be in the hospital for three days and I will have the iPad with me.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            Sucks. I keep forgetting accidentally on purpose to take the painkillers and then I'm SO surprised that the fucking thing hurts. But PT starts in two days, so I'm sure I'll be looking back on this week as relatively painless once the bitchgoddess of torture starts working me over.

            (Hugs Barb) You shoulda told me, I would've ordered you some PJs online. With predator birds on them, or something. Don't want you feeling lonely in the hospital room. I can't visit but could send books if you want.

            I really shouldn't complain. It was minor, it's painful, but could've been so much worse, and pain goes away eventually anyway. I'm walking without a crutch. It's just stairs are tough, and my house is nothing but stairs. Come spring when it gets warmer, I'll be out in the garden sweating in the sunshine and the knee will be just a memory. And life without Mookie will be fine for you too.

  • chascates

    Here's hoping for a Bachmann-free America by spring!!

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      But plenty of Santorum for all!!!

      • OneDollarJuana

        Santorum is rising in Iowa.

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          Coming from behind!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        Ew, no. I'll take my buttsechs plain, thanks.

        • Loaded_Pants

          Plain with no sauce, eh?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            Was it poncho_pilot who posted that chocolate sauce fountain clip? And I tried so hard to forget!

          • poncho_pilot

            hey, it could've been worse.
            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUH_JZ1KAXM

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            Dood, that WASN'T A CHALLENGE!!!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      I'll drink light up to that.

  • memzilla

    Happy New Year In Hell, Nixon!

    • flamingpdog

      Oh, I'm pretty sure he's partying it up with this guy.

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

        So Nixon==Hoover with moar jowls?

      • Rotundo_

        Bebe Rebozo and Roy Cohn and Tailgunner Joe McCarthy are all in the executive suites being eternally spit roasted along with Hitler and Tojo and a host of other celebs. If I believed in the concept, it would make me feel all warm and cozy at the thought, but all that's left of them is the evil done.

        • tessiee

          Can we revise this scenario so that Nixon is pepper sprayed by demons in tie-dyed hippie clothing and McCarthy is ass-raped by Satan (who then mouth-rapes Hitler immediately afterward) at least *some* of the time?

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            1. Eeew.
            2. Why would you want them to be having such a good time?

          • tessiee

            I'm pretty sure that Satan and his minions are the only ones having a good time in that scenario; I figured that would be OK with you.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            I see no reason to lighten up on them.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      No happy new year for that motherfucker EVAH!

  • memzilla

    Here's wishing epic heights (or depths) of Snarque to my fellow Wonketteers for 2012!

    • HistoriCat

      Oooh – Snarque. Is that some fancy foreign snark or just a particular brand?

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        It's French, no doubt. Memzilla is a socialist!1!!

  • finallyhappy

    At my age, cake and decaf at 8 pm is about as much as I can handle. Also being up at midnight by choice- instead of one of the 3 or 4 times I wake up at night now. Hoping for stronger HRT in 2012 for me and whatever you want for you.

    • glasspusher

      No way I'm passing a drug test this coming week…not after I finished off the poppyseed roll.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      "I pulled an all-nighter" has a very different meaning at 16 than at 60.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        No shit. (groan)

        And all I had was a cherry soda. Usually it takes a quart of booze to feel this tired.

        • Loaded_Pants

          Last night I thought I was watching fireworks but I was just staring at Christmas tree lights.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            I know everybody says it, but I *mean* it: I want some of what you were smoking.

          • Loaded_Pants

            Wait…did I actually smoke anything last night? Whatever…Happy 2010, y'all!

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Wishing you cool breezes and a government that won't get you hot under the collar.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I'm drunk as fuk and I don't care. Hope 2012 is a better year than 2011. I fucking hated 2011. So long muthafucking shitass year.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      I know just whatcha mean.

      Happy,. Happy!
      ~

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Joy, joy…

    • mannacler

      Don't worry, be happy. 2012 will be shorter. The world ends in December.

      • HedonismBot

        Let's hope.

    • HistoriCat

      A-fucking-men. Good riddance to a shitty year.

      • tessiee

        And in defiance of all the laws of probability, 2011 was a shitty year for *everybody* I know — friends, relatives, neighbors, the gal who cuts my hair — it was like a goddamn voodoo curse or something. Hopefully 2012 will be better.

        • Toomush_Infer

          Amen…

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      (Hugs the Manchu) It better be better, 'cos we can't take anything worse!

  • flamingpdog

    Hey, it's still 2011 out here in flyover land. East coast elitism!!!!

    • finallyhappy

      When it is 2012 in DC, it is 2012 everywhere- just like everything else we do here.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      We make our own reality. Isn't that what the Bushies said? Till reality came up and bit 'em all in the ass, anyway.

      HNY, pdog! Snark on, my friend.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Sheeeeit, it's still 1911 here in the capital of the Confederacy. Happy new year anyway, though.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        (Hugs the other Wookies) Happy New Year to you too!

  • AlterNewt

    Only 356 days till it's all over.
    Happy New Year!

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Happy New Year! Or as Nixon would say, "Happy Jew Queer!"

  • SheriffRoscoe

    This is a recording of Dick drunk dialing GB cause Bebe was spending time with the missus.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Cheers to all my bros, jills, brahs, brosephs (I have run out of 20 something refs) etc. who have made a shitty year bearable. And go Michele! We need comedy to balance out the misery of our hobo-beans-eating lives!

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Right back at ya, homes.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      And hugs in return, li'l big.

  • flamingpdog

    2011 exited with glittery Santorum!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Jezus, I couldn't listen to those fat broads babbling on about Krischyun Vah-lyooz.

      I wonder if any of them demonstrated those Christian values by staying up all day and part of the night cooking for sick neighbours and the needy and caring for them like our very own DBB does?

  • Neilist_Returns

    Dear Communist Liberal Pink SKum:

    Happy One Year Closer To The Armed Uprising By Which This Great Country Finally Implodes Into The Weimer Republic, And Michele Von Bachmann Becomes . . . President For Life.

    [If you're going down, go down in flames. It's that Gotterdammerung thing . . . .]

    Shalom!

    Neilist
    Llving In A Trailer Park Near You, Counting The Days, The Child Molesters & Meth Heads Living Near Door, and His Ammunition

    • RavenRant

      You are reminding me of this song.

      Happy New Year. Try to stick with inanimate targets for as long as possible.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        I figured Neilist was running around Hollywood setting cars on fire, but then I read that the arsonist appears to be using Molotov cocktails, and I think Neilist would use live grenades.

        • Neilist_Returns

          White Phosphorous only: WILLY PETER MAKE YOU BELIEVER!

          There are standards, after all, even for "auto de fe."

          Particularly when the "autos" are Land Rovers and Bentleys.

      • Neilist_Returns

        Rant, the video was down, the only title reference was "R . . . "

        But i figure it has to be "Revolution Blues," right?

        Which starts, if memory serves:

        "I live in a trailer at the edge of town.
        Don't try to see me, 'cause I won't be around.
        I've got 25 rifles, just to keep the population down . . . "

        [Only 25? Gesh. What a pussy." ]

        Sieg Bachmann!!!!

        • RavenRant

          Yes. it was Revolution Blues.

          Weird. The link worked last night. I played it before I linked it. Bastids.

          "I'm a barrel of laughs
          with my carbine on
          I keep em hoppin
          till the ammunition's gone
          but I'm still not happy
          feel like something's wrong"

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Neil (or his lawyers) ruthlessly patrol the intertubes.

            Just about the only decent cover: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGVbWtGF0r0

          • RavenRant

            Boy, that really is Hardly Strictly Bluegrass! Thanks for the link.

          • Biff

            HSB is a real happening. I went once, will never go again because crowds, but Warren Hellman did a wonderful thing for the people of San Francisco by throwing this annual party. May he rest in peace.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      You've been drinking. It's "PinkO scum," thankyewverymuch. Also "Living NEXT Door," unless you're only targeting the Near population.

      Happy New Year's, anyway, and may it treat you better than the old one did, regardless of how well it treated you.

      • not that Dewey

        I thought it was Pink O'Scum.

      • RavenRant

        I thought it was "worthly Wokette skum."

        And who can forget "This entire blog can be shipped to Afghanistan, no one has lost any"

        Good times.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    My fellow assholes,

    May this be the year that racism, conservative culture warfare, anti-abortion crusading, greed apologetics, corporation idolatry, xenophobia, and environmental piggishness become socially unacceptable.

    May snark become passe, or at least more difficult to practice. (Think Molly Ivins and Richard Pryor in heaven.)

    With best wishes for a good-humored and peaceful New Year,
    Spurning Beer

    • Radiotherapy

      You fucking evil liberal. I hope the New Year brings the wrath of Jeebus and his strong willed daddy psycho upon thee — and the Holy spirit brings three. Or the Mayan prophecy — crap they didn't even know buttsechs don't bring you fetus/persons, butt their calender ended last year or some shit like that.
      Baruch HaShem y'all.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        I forget if I gave you my New Year's Commemorative Hug last night (a lot of the Sacred Herb was consumed), so if not, here go ().

    • glasspusher

      Call me an asshole…one more time…

      Keep fighting the good fight, and snarking the good snark, to make the world a better place. I tell my (now 13 year old) son that my wish is that in a few hundred years they might consider someone like me to be one of the more enlightened barbarians.

    • user-of-owls

      And to I. And I. Jah love brudda.

      "Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts; put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live!"

      –Bob "Zvi" Marley

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      (Hugs Spurning Beer) I refuse to be classed with the other ani of your acquaintance, but I agree with all your wishes. Have another hug, as and when needed.

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        Ooh, thank you, baby. You give good hug.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          (Hugs the Beer once again) You funny.

    • tessiee

      "My fellow assholes"

      Just for the record:
      I am *not* an asshole. I may be a smart-ass, a fat-ass, a lazy ass — and occasionally, when it's absolutely necessary, a nasty-ass — but not an asshole. Please make a note of it.

      Also, Molly Ivins and Richard Pryor would die of boredom (ya see what I did there?) in Heaven. They're in Heck with the rest of the cool kids.

      Best wishes back to you, and such, also.

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        tessiee, I meant no disrespect. Assholes have an undeserved bad reputation. Where would we be without ani? Some creatures don't have them, and it can be sad:

        The anusless jellyfish, Dave,
        Was dashing, and handsome, and brave.
        His onus, alas,
        Was the lack of an ass
        And the teasing the mollusks all gave.

        -By Tim Alborn

        • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

          Also by Prof. Alborn:

          Aproctous, the jellyfish whined:
          "By the mollusk I'm often maligned.
          It's hardly so heinous,
          My lack of an anus—
          Perhaps I should sting his behind."

  • Joshua Norton

    Wait. What? Is the War on Christmas over? Who won?

    • flamingpdog

      Tim Pawlenty?

      Oh, that was a question, not a statement.

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        Yes, Tiny Tim won. God blessed him, every one.

    • MissNancyPriss

      the good guys did. :)

    • Steverino247

      We did. We kicked Christmas' ASS, baby!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Christmas: gone. Us: still here.
        Any questions?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          Yes. Did I give you a New Year's Hug? I think not.

          Here's one to make up for it and another for forgetting. (())

          Happy New Year's, Biely. Thanks for keeping my spirits up through the worst of times, you snarky li'l devil, you.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Thanks. Sorry about the burn marks.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        Happy New Year's, Steverino! And a New Year's Hug to you!

    • HistoriCat

      Hitler? Oh – sorry. Wrong "who" question.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        'Scuse me, I think I forgot to blow on your hairy kitty belly for New Year's.

        (Hugs the HistoriCat) It's been wonderful knowing you, and I hope this continues for many years more.

    • tessiee

      Everybody lost.

    • DaRooster

      Corporation CEOs?

    • Negropolis

      The corporations; who else?

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Okay, bedroom, Bush, Sr. , and Nixon. Ugh. I'll have to squeeze my eyes and legs shut all night after that association. Thanks, Ken. Happy New Year to you, too.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Poor you. Here's a hug to console you for your suffering. And may your new year be better than any you've ever had, so far.

  • sbj1964

    Happy New Years to all the Wankers at the Wonkette !! You guys are the best !!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Happy New Year to you too, sbj.

  • Golfing_OJ

    East Coast inna HOOOOUUUSE.
    Happy New Year muthafuggahs! Timepieces are fascinating machines, never forget!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      New year's hug. ()

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    You're telling me?!

  • iburl

    On 12/21/12 the 13th b'ak'tun will end and the 14th will begin and the doomsayers will be very rich men. In reality, Earth's complete collapse as a human-viable biosphere is at least 5 years off.

    • Biff

      Sure worked out for Harold Camping, so it must be true!

  • flamingpdog

    Marijuana is a lot better than champagne, especially the next morning.

    I think Tricky Dick might agree.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      All I can say is your head don't hurt NEAR as much.

  • ChernobylSoup

    What could possibly go wrong in a year that starts off with a handful of Iowan evangelicals exerting undue influence over a major party's nominee for commander in chief?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      True, we will start the year with a high water mark of Santorum. However, I look forward to seeing the emergence of Sarah Palins third chin, Chuck Grassley's tweets, and Chris Mathew's inevitable on air cardial infarction. I guess I'm just an optimist.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        And Scott Walkers ass in the street, yo!

        • SudsMcKenzie

          word

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        I'm fervently hoping Mitt will kack in the middle of his campaign. Unlikely, I know, but I just can't think of any other way to get this irritating, smarmy, perennial-candidateBot to get off the fucking National Stage for GOOD!

        Happy New Year, Suds. And a New Year's hug to ya.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Happy New Year, Chernobyl. And a hug, while I'm about it.

  • Joshua Norton

    It isn't midnight in San Fran yet. I'm at a party playing with my new Samsung smart phone. Still haven't quite got the hang of the slide-out keyboard. 4 glasses of champagne isn't helping, either.

    That said, I do wish you all a good 2012. Happy New Year!

    • flamingpdog

      And may your Empire prosper in the New Year!

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      May there be more San Francisco values for all of us in the new year. Cheers!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Happy New Year, Emperor! And many hugs of the day.

  • PocketsTheClown

    Thanks again, o great god of comedy, for bringing Wonkette into my life. I've never had vodka come out my nose as I burst forth with laughter, and I now know what it means to "yiff it". Trucknutz, also.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      All clowns welcome here. Cheers!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Happy New Year, Pockets. () <— Hug.

  • Extemporanus

    Happy New Year, Ken.

    The understaffed humor hospice that is our Wonkette just wouldn't be the same without you, your tireless angels of mercy, and — most importantly — my fellow fist-afflicted terminal snark-sacks who check in here to die, laughing, year after miserable fucking year.

    • Barb

      You are such a cunning linguist.

      • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

        Whereas I had always imagined "Barb" to be a stunning cunt.

        • Barb

          OMG, lol!

      • Extemporanus

        And the things that come out of your mouth could fill a show.

        • Barb

          We should get together and write a book, seriously.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      I'll drink to that (where is that cold, mungy tea?) And a hug to you, Extemporanus, and a hug to Ken as well. Happy New Year, y'all.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    2011 sucked and I don't actually have high hopes for 2012, but I'm way too drunk to care.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Weed may be be better than champagne for avoiding a hangover, but add a little St. Germain to the champagne and someone is bound to be on their back with you in the guest bedroom.

    It's that vs. eating all the hors d'oeuvres by yourself from the munchies.

    We report, you decide.

    Happy Y2K12 everyone!

    • tessiee

      "eating all the hors d'oeuvre from the munchies."

      "Somebody answered the phone and said you didn't live there anymore,
      and it was your Mom!
      Went to a party,
      Ate all the 'dervs,
      And we're a bad trip"

      Camper van Beethoven, "we're a bad trip"

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Happy huggy New Year's to you, Bonzo!

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Remember kids, hugs not drugs!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          Yeah! (throws in another hug)

          Edited to add: Oh, leave me my fucking drugs, srsly. I need 'em.

  • the_problem_child

    Love you, wonkette. Consider yourself kissed. 2012 is only two hours and a few minutes old here and I'm in a kissing mood.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Well, since I'm not particular about gender of recipient, here's your New Year's hug and kiss!

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    Besides which, champagne is for the 1%ers and those with reason to celebrate the past year's achievements, and pot is for the DFHs.

    Which side are you on?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      I *know* you didn't need to ask *that* question. (Lights up)

  • Radiotherapy

    Aren't all our threads open threads?

    • Biff

      Stay on topic, damnit!

      • Radiotherapy

        OK, Nixon was Gay.

    • HistoriCat

      Occupy Wonkette.

      • bagofmice

        Wonkette got bought out, sploid got, Uhm… Folded out?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          Hey, bagofmice! Happy New Year! (Hugs the whole damn bag)

    • user-of-owls

      If by "threads" you mean "clothes", then yes, all our threads are open. And that's a good thing. Mostly.

      • bagofmice

        It does improve the user accessibility experience.

  • Limeylizzie

    Happy New Year from the hills of Hollywood where the arson is bringing down the house. What would I do without the Wonkette, I'm kissing all of you in about an hour and a half.

    • user-of-owls

      Burn baby, burn. With desire of course.

      Hugs and matchsticks, your friend Me.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Hey, baby!~ Happy New Year to you and Mr. Limeylizzie, and big floofy hugs and kisses to Neville (or is it *really* Trevor?).

      • Limeylizzie

        Happy New Year darling, it really is Neville, Trevor is the foster cat I have when I am in NYC.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          He looks *just* like Neville! I have a sudden overpowering desire to adopt him.

          I must resist. No new beasts till I can at least take care of me.

          How old is he?

          • Limeylizzie

            Neville is the Ginger Tom, Trevor is a little Tuxedo, not sure which cat you are looking at, but the orange boy is my beloved and challenged Neville.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            I thought I saw a picture of a big floofy ginger cat labeled "Trevor." Sigh. Wishful thinking I guess. I do miss that big hairbag a lot.

            Hugs to Neville, then, if he's brave enough to dare them. Maybe I'll look for a Zingiber-reincarnation-ginger-kitty come March when my knee's all better.

  • Biff

    Time for another 750m Lortab, hope it's good for allayouse guys, too.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Geezus, WTF are you doing taking that shit? What happened? You OK?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Let's all just keep fucking that chicken.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      No thanks. They poop, pee, lay eggs, and fuck through the same aperture. And I'd rather have my eggs poached than scrambled.

      Happy New Year, Lionel[redacted]! (Hugs the bourbon-drinker hard)

  • ChernobylSoup

    Prediction time:

    1. Nominee Romney picks Pawlenty for VP, loses bad in November.
    2. Bunch of old white people say terribly racist things.
    3. George Lucas sees error of his ways, apologizes, still gets thrown out cargo door during Virgin Galactic's maiden voyage.
    4. Kate Beckinsale sees error of her ways, moves in with me.
    5. Nate Silver loses it, kills everyone at Rassmusen with a slide rule.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      6. Sarah Palin announces her salmon-based fragrance, Midnight Sun.
      7. Sarah Palin hawks flag pins on HSN.
      8. Child Protective Services takes custody of Willow, Elbow, and Adverb Palin.
      9. R. Kelly attempts a come-back by endorsing the Tea Party and publishing a memoir, Wee-wee The People.

      • tessiee

        "Child Protective Services takes custody of Willow, Elbow, and Adverb Palin."

        However, Marshmallow, Treetop, Garage, and Turd Palin are allowed to remain with their "mother" and continue their job as campaign/anti-choice props.

      • AlterNewt

        10. Kate Beckinsale opens Intense Debate account.

    • tessiee

      Bunch of old white people say terribly racist things, then waffle and fumfer and issue some sort of "taken out of context" disclaimer, then do anything whatsoever that is NOT apologizing.

  • sbj1964

    My New Years resolution has been the same for 25 years.I will not climb Mount Everest this year.And try not to masturbate as much as I did last year.Like I can keep that up forever?

    • tessiee

      A few years back, I resolved to stop making resolutions. It seems to be working out so far.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      You could do like Young Mormons do and strap your wrists to the bed every night. (Kinky!)

    • Loaded_Pants

      I try to masturbate more each year. When I'm old, they're just going to love me at the home.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        They'll make you wear a plastic poncho.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wise words from M. Layne. As one crappy year ends, let us all look forward to the fact that if all goes right, the world is done for next December.

  • RavenRant

    Glad to see the end of 2011, but I'm afraid that 2012 will challenge my sanity and my liver with the never-ending Lovecraftian horror of the Republican Goat Rodeo.

    Happy New Year, Wonketteers!

    • Dashboard Buddha

      "Lovecraftian horror of the Republican Goat Rodeo."

      I think we're going to see a lot of that phrase.

      • RavenRant

        Glad to be of service. Cthulhu/Marceaux 2012!

        Happy New Year, DB!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        Happy New Year, DB. (Hugs DB)

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Happy New Year, sweet pretty lady! (Hug)

      • RavenRant

        Hugs back at ya, PAD. All good things for you in 2012!

        New Year's Resolution: Help each other to maintain what's left of our sanity, and make sure the snark tanks are topped off at all times.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Christie/Snookie 2016!!!

    • flamingpdog

      I'd be afraid to stand on their platform.

    • tessiee

      Snooki/Christie, because why not put the more intelilgent, attractive, and charismatic person as the front-runner?

      • UW8316154

        But is Christie young enough and attractive enough to be the husband of a president?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          Of COURSE not. That's why HE's running, instead of his wife.

          Happy New Year, and here's your hug. ()

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Fat libel!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    So… two of the most hated, hateful people this nation has ever produced exchange meaningless pleasantries while masking their horrible insecurities and loneliness. And this is how fucking Wonkette wants me to start the brand new year. And here sit I having lapped it up with a spoon. Richard Nixon, ca. 1971. Thanks, Wonkette. Thanks. For fucking nothing.

    I suppose it falls to me, for the sake of logical consistency, to now attempt to beat off to old pictures of Jason Robards. I'll let you know how it turns out.

    • flamingpdog

      Silly me, and I always thought Dick and Bush together meant hot lovin', not hate.

    • Steverino247

      Robards backs Woodstein and Nixon resigns. Happy ending!

    • tessiee

      "two of the most hated, hateful people this nation has ever produced exchange meaningless pleasantries while masking their horrible insecurities and loneliness."

      I'd feel much better if I believed for one second that either of them had horrible insecurities and loneliness, but I suspect that they both thought they were just jim-dandy, and it never occurred to either of them to have insecurities, or even a smidgen of honest humility or self-doubt. You could tell that by every smirk, every gesture, every word that came out of their miserable, self-satisfied mouths.
      Then again, one of them at least has the decency to be dead and in Hell now.

  • Biff

    I think I'ma just sit here in my Forever Lazy® footie/hoodie and just veg out for the year. What could possibly go wrong…

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Let's hope that Forever Lazy® is fire-proof. We want you around for 2012.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      What Jukesgrrl said, dammit.

  • flamingpdog

    In the New Year, I resolve to:

    1. Drink less.
    2. No, no, I meant drink more.
    3. OK, drink as much as possible, more or less.
    4. Put the moves on Sara Benincasa at her book signing in Denver in March. Get her drunk. And me drunk. And pass out before anything happens.
    5. Hold my nose, vote for Barry for Preznit, and drink a lot, lot more election night. And party like it's 1789.

    • Geminisunmars

      Will she be at the Tattered?

      • flamingpdog

        I believe so, but I'll have to double-check.

    • Guppy

      "And party like it's 1789."

      Expecting a Ron Paul victory?

    • tessiee

      "And party like it's 1789"

      Do you go to UNC?

  • Doktor Zoom

    Where's my Jew?

    • user-of-owls

      Are we supposed to get one for New Years? And more importantly, where's my jet pack?? They promised us jet packs!! Grrr.

      • tessiee

        When are we gonna get our mountain bikes??!!

        • user-of-owls

          No, really, the more I think about it, the more Dok makes sense. I want my New Year's Jew, dammit!

          • Loaded_Pants

            Me, too. They are sooo cute.

      • RavenRant

        I would like a jetpack, a flying car, a transporter, a replicator and/or a holodeck. Any one of those things would be lovely.

        But what I NEED is that Jetson's contraption where you stagger out of bed with your eyes closed, stumble onto the treadmill, and come out the other side showered, perfumed, dressed, coiffed, made-up, and WIDE AWAKE.

        Robot servants would also be helpful.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Happy New Year, Dok. (Hugs the Dok)

      Edited to add: And a very HNY to your lady-love, too.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I'm making plans for next New Year's Eve: Stay up all night watching stupid prediction movies about this year and laugh at how wrong they were.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Everybody will be very happy because 2012 will be a pretty good year. I can just feel it.

    I promise to be a better person to other people and to be a better friend to all animals. (even the ones that bite and sting)

    Happy New Year!

    • HedonismBot

      Animals are usually a lot cooler than people anyway.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Happy New Year, Derrick! Hugs to you, sweetie.

      I don't know how you can get much better, but you can certainly try.

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        I hug you back more.

        I still have bad thoughts sometimes so there is still work to do.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          Thanks. Let me know if you find out how to not have bad thoughts. I have LOTS of problems with that. I wish the people who make me think those thoughts would disappear into a cornfield and end the problem, but there you go. They just won't cooperate. (Hugs Derrick once more)

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Happy Happy from my current location, which is W.V.

    People were shooting off their shootin' irons for 1 1/2 hours before midnight rolled around…
    ~

    • e_z

      Sitting here in the eastern panhandle of WVa, reading wonkette, pounding down the coffee and watching a deer bonkng the bird feeder by the patio to steal black oil sunflower seeds from the assorted cold birds.

      Deer, nothing but fucking Wood Rats…

      • Biff

        Deer. Tasty, tasty deer.

        • HedonismBot

          You got it. No deer for a month.

      • Rotundo_

        Rats? No, they would have to develop some skills to make it to rat level. I tend to think of them as goats with the brains of houseflies. Really pretty things, but they don't have the tiniest bit of intellectual functioning at all. They eat, screw, and get hit by cars because they evidently think that the supreme deer is taking them to deer heaven or something when they see the headlights. They're the fundamentalists of the animal kingdom… At least venison is tasty if prepared right.

    • tessiee

      "People were shooting off their shootin' irons for 1 1/2 hours before midnight rolled around… "

      They do that here, too. I always wonder what happens to the bullets when they come down.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Happy New Year, thunder! For the first time since EVAH, my fuckin' neighbours weren't scaring the shit out of the old ladies in the neighbourhood by firing off their other pistols. Must've all headed out by your end of the swamp for the holidays. (Hugs thunder)

  • Geminisunmars

    Wonkette, don't fail me now. I think the only way I'll be surviving 2012 is to find refuge here, away from all the republicaning primary and all the electioneering that will be flung about this coming year. I cannot believe that they have this disgusting group of primates as their selection. All we can do is har har har while they deep throat their corn dogs. Thank you, Ken. Keep it up, in all senses.

    • HistoriCat

      this disgusting group of primates as their selection

      I think you're being too generous there – no way all of them are primates.

      • user-of-owls

        This is why we never should have given women the right to vote. They are too emotional.

        tee hee

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Happy New Year, darling girl! (Hugs Geminisunmars)

      • Geminisunmars

        Hey, I sent a reply thru email and see that it didn't get here. So Happy New Year and Gear to you, Sweet Boy. Hope that knee of yours of all better now.

        (How about for New Year's you change your name – I can't call you Dummy or Palinz — although they have the same meaning. I know, I'll just call you Pal.)

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          (Hugs that special wonderful gal) Hope the pups got their NY treats and prezzies! Knee's still not that great. It would help if I would be better about taking the fucking painkillers, but they make it so hard to think that I just keep "forgetting." Eh. Gotta take one now and pass out. I'll work on the name change when I get up.

      • Geminisunmars

        Hugs back, sweet boy. Hope that knee is well on its way to full recuperation.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    My resolutions for the New Year: to find a couple of handicapped lesbian dwarves for a threesome. And also to floss more. And to make sure the whiskey does not run out before midnight next New Year's Eve. Happy New Year!

    • Guppy

      Are those two resolutions related?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      You're a very sick individual. I hope the coming year brings you all the things you wish for (except maybe the handicapped lesbian dwarves, unless they REALLY want you for a threesome). (Hugs imissopus cautiously)

  • Numbat_Dundee

    Expletive Deleted

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Expletive deleted by the fucking administrator.

      • flamingpdog

        Thanks, I fucking needed that.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    May 2012 be the year in which sharia is made the law of the land in the United States of Amerikkka.

    • flamingpdog

      ♫ Sharia!
      We've just set a law named Sharia.
      And suddenly the shame
      Will start a game of blame,
      Tee hee!

      Sharia!
      We've just blessed a law named Sharia.
      And suddenly we frowned
      As justice ran aground
      You see!

      Sharia!
      Say it loud and there's much doomsaying,
      Say it soft and it's almost betraying.

      Sharia,
      We'll never stop playing Sharia!

      The most wrathful hellhound ever pondered.
      Sharia. ♫

      • V572 the Merciless

        Allahu akbar! Well done!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      That's what Ahmed sang to Ayesha. Sweet and touching. Somehow that makes me very hopeful about the future.

      But this gets me really stirred up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DbFYsi9iSg

  • angerbear

    Judging by the explosions I've been hearing in all directions for the past hour, either the Mayan apocalypse has come early or the local Tea Partiers are "reaching consensus" on their primary candidate of choice.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    All of those Presidents look like they could use a Fresca.

    • flamingpdog

      If by "Fresca" you mean " 220-volt anal probe"

    • user-of-owls

      Or better yet, a Tang!

  • Steverino247

    May your Creeping Sharia blossom and fill your lives with happy flowers. May the Republican Party implode right about…NOW! May my house remodel finally end. May the comments of Barb, Liz and Ms. Taken continue to cause our naughty bits to tingle from afar. May we continue to be as witty as can be in the new year. May I be able to ask the President to pass the salt sometime soon because I've got a few things to talk to him about, believe me, if I win that dinner contest.

  • MiniMencken

    Just goes to show, Dick Nixon was a regular guy, if you consider a paranoid crypto-fascist evil turd of a patsy of the racist-corporate shill faction of the American ruling class to be a regular guy. Just sayin'.

    • HedonismBot

      Smarter than any of the current crop of teatards representing his party. And Nixon was more liberal than Obama, too. WTF happened?

  • paris biltong

    Re. that Champagne vs grass thing, it may be true if you're just using, but the reverse applies if you're engaged in commerce. Just a caveat.
    Other than that, best wishes to all Wonketteers from fast sinking Euroland.

    • UW8316154

      Does "commerce" therefore make you a job creator? Yay, you!

  • sbj1964

    News FLASH !! Tim Tebow made a deal with scratch at a cross road in Mississippi to become a famous football player,and the only way he can get his soul back is a Guitar dual on a PlayStation.Note: Obscure movie reference no one will get.The flashing red light on my palm is distracting.Siolent Green is People! Get your Filthy Ape hands off me! It's good to be the King.Welcome to the Party Pal! And Vankman your girlfriend is a dog.WTF? it's 4:30am who you going to call?

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Run, Logan!

    • bagofmice

      What is up with your keyboard? Some people double space after a period. Your keyboard spaces after an exclamation and a colon, but no spaces after a period. It's like a weird bidi issue. Arabic? Hebrew? Insanely strict vertical Japanese?

  • freakishlywrong

    It's Sunday, why the fuck am I awake already? I didn't get my time machine, so it looks like I'll have to get through another god forsaken election year with my fantastic pretend internet friends on the Wonket.
    Let's roll, bitches!

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I did a quick tally and I find that I have more "pretend internet friends" than actual flesh and blood types – it's close…but more is more. Somehow this works for me.

      • Biff

        For me, it ain't even close. Being surrounded by republicans and Paultards has pushed me deeper into my cave, only to emerge when the pantry is empty.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      And it is fucking leap year to boot. Who decreed (that Augustus Caesar Nixon guy?) that every election year is also a leap year? Or is it the other way around? Why do we have to add another year to this moronic mess? Huh?

      • Biff

        Caesar, in his infinite wisdom, knew we'd never get that 1st Tuesday in November back, so he gave us February 29th.

      • bagofmice

        If you want to peek at the madness behind the method, check this out.
        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Computus

    • tessiee

      "I didn't get my time machine"

      Things To Do with Time Machine:
      1. Go back to 1969 and copyright "Stairway to Heaven".
      2. Go back to 1968 and have sex with Jimi Hendrix.
      3. Go back to about age 20, when I thought I was ugly as sin, and appreciate how cute I was. Bitch slap a few of the guys I dated back in those days.
      4. Go back to whenever it was that I lit that first cigarette, remember how tough it was to quit for good, and put that sucker right back in the pack.
      5. All those times when I thought of the perfect answer/comeback but only *after* it was too late? I wrote them all down and I'M READY!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Here's your HNY hug, freakish.

  • ttommyunger

    6:43 on a Sunday morning, the day after New Year's Eve, and I'm parboiling my 'nads with a laptop perusing the Wonkette. How fucking sad is that? Oh well, everybody's got to be somewhere, and I'm here with y'all. BTW, I'm glad you all are here with me; you have no idea how much wisdom, insight, humor and malevolent joy you add to my otherwise mundane existence; thank you, Staff and Wonketeers, and my God richly bless you in this new year, whoever that may be to you.

    • HistoriCat

      Thanks ttommy – and the same to you.

      • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews cheaphits

        Like he said.

    • AlterNewt

      Thanks. Happy New Year to you as well, ttommy.

    • HedonismBot

      Happy new year to you as well!

    • snackypants

      Can't say it better than that. Back at you one and all!

    • freakishlywrong

      "parboiling your 'nads" has won the day.

      • ttommyunger

        I would give credit if I could remember who I stole that from, but thanks.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      A very happy New Year to you, ttommy. And many, many hugs of the day.

      • ttommyunger

        Thanks, and backatcha!

  • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com Tsunami Ali

    Thanks, Wonkett, for helping me through my first sober new year's since I was 15. God love you all and keep you safe in 2012.

    (sorry, it's 7 fucking 15 in the morning, I just woke up, and I cannot muster the snark)

    • ProgressiveInga

      Hey TA, no snark necessary and welcome to January 1st without a throbbing headache, cotton mouth, regrets about saying that thing to that girl last night, etc…..This is my 21st grateful, sober new year's day and F*CK! I'm old….

      Happy New Year and may the snark be with you when you're ready!

      ~Inga~

      • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com Tsunami Ali

        Thanks! I've been lurking more than contributing but knowing y'all are here snarking it up 24/7 has been truly a comfort.

    • Biff

      It gets easier. 22nd one in a row, here…

      • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com Tsunami Ali

        Good to know some of my fellow Wonketteers are sober – I can always pretend to be a rip-roaring drunk, tho', because internetz.

    • tessiee

      "my first sober new year's since I was 15"

      A tip of the sesquipidalian tiara to you, good sir or madam.

    • UW8316154

      Congratulations, TA!

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      As another Wonketeer who celebrates with non-alcoholic bevvies, I welcome you to the club. Biff and Inga are correct, it does get easier. Wishing you strength and hope in the new year. And we're here anytime you need a laugh. You don't have to snark.

      • ProgressiveInga

        We'll snark you 'til you can snark yourself. Or something?

    • not that Dewey

      What Ali said.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Not needed. Here's your hug. And congratulations on your achievement!

      • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com Tsunami Ali

        Thanks again to you and everyone!

  • Harry_S_Truman

    As goes 2011, so goes our chances of seeing Marcus Bachmann as First Lady. Shit.

  • Bluestatelibel

    I predict Nature will continue to step up her war on humanity: this morning Japan's already been hit by a 7.0 earthquake (no one hurt – yet). I wish you all a happy New Year and the good luck to stay out of Her path. Cheers!

    • BarackMyWorld

      Japanese earthquake? Again?

      I hate reruns.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        And a New Year's Hug to you too.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Yay, I think. And a happy New Year's hug to you.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    "Marijuana is a lot better than champagne, especially the next morning."

    Now you tell me… groan.
    Happy New Year Libtards. May a Supreme Court Justice, of your choice, be caught with his pants down in an inapropriate sex act of a disgusting nature.

    • Geminisunmars

      Shouldn't that be "with his or her pants down"?

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Naw, the wimmins aren't the problem. I'd be super-satisfied with Thomas demonstrating his devotion to Alito in a bathroom stall anywhere.

        And, thanks, Mon. Grumpe, that's the best new year's wish I've heard yet.

    • HedonismBot

      How about Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, Alito and Kennedy, caught all together with their pants down and engaging in a collective inappropriate sex act of a disgusting nature? Out with all five of them at once. What a great way to start the new year!

      • HarryButtle

        That makes for a pretty disgusting image…but in the interest of humanity I'll allow it and hope it comes to pass.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        Oh, joy!

    • tessiee

      "May a Supreme Court Justice, of your choice, be caught with his pants down in an inapropriate sex act of a disgusting nature."

      Anything involving Fat Tony with his pants down is by definition disgusting.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Thank you, Grumpe, and here's another dozen hugs just in case I missed you earlier, or you have cats, or sump'n.

  • C_R_Eature

    Nixon. So we’re starting off the New Year with Nixon. Seems appropriate, considering what we’ve been through last year.
    Well, as my January 1st morning gift to all you Wonketteers, here’s a link to the Good Doctor Hunter S. Thompson’s magnificent 1994 eulogy to Nixon.
    He Was A Crook
    And here’s a tasty bit, right now, to cheer you :
    ”If the right people had been in charge of Nixon's funeral, his casket would have been launched into one of those open-sewage canals that empty into the ocean just south of Los Angeles. He was a swine of a man and a jabbering dupe of a president. Nixon was so crooked that he needed servants to help him screw his pants on every morning. Even his funeral was illegal. He was queer in the deepest way. His body should have been burned in a trash bin.”
    There were few who could weaponize the English language quite like HST

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Really? I never thought of Harry S Truman as a great wordsmith.

      Then again, I never thought Elvis was especially articulate, but people still refer to "The King's English."

      • C_R_Eature

        (Snorts Coffee on Keyboard) Thank you *Chortle*

    • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews cheaphits

      Like he said.

      • http://www.wonkette.com BelleSC

        Everything funny and snarky that everyone has already said so far except the part about handicapped lesbian threesome.

        As is apparently the case with everyone else here I enjoy the Wonkette more than I enjoy most things except maybe sex and booze. So y'all keep safe and keep writing stuff that makes me know there are real live thinking people out there instead of the repugs by which I am surrounded here in South Cackalacky.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          Cackalacky? You get an extra New Year's hug for that.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      And yet, Nixon is practically a tree hugging liberal when compared to today's crop of wingnutz.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      "Nixon was a professional politician, and I despised everything he stood for—but if he were running for president this year against the evil Bush–Cheney gang, I would happily vote for him." HST

    • tessiee

      I think it was Stephen King (of all people) who said about Nixon: "So now we're calling him a 'statesman', when, if there were any justice, he'd be blowing the other convicts for cigarettes".

      • Doktor Zoom

        Oh, that's good–source? (cursory googling only found your comments, alas…)

        • tessiee

          I think it was in the introduction to one of his books, but I don't remember for sure. I've actually tried googling it myself, and couldn't find it. Since I read so much, I have a whole lot of things jumbled around in my memory that I don't remember exactly *where* I read them, and often post without attribution. If only there were some way I could resolve not to do that.

    • tessiee

      And can I just say?
      In all the brouhaha about what an unpleasant and unethical person Nixon was, it rarely gets pointed out that the man was, all kidding aside, mentally ill.
      I mean, really, *making lists of your enemies*? Plotting against them? Taping all of your conversations?
      I think Nixon was certifiably, hospitalizably, fucking nuts.

      • flamingpdog

        Right on point. I've often wondered of late if he had a third, illegitimate daughter raised as Michele Bachmann. Paranoia strikes deep.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    One of my best summers ever. Running creep tests (really) on concrete for ~ 15 min each morning and then spending the rest of the day smoking weed, playing pinochle, and watching Sam Ervin's Watergate Hearings. Sam shoulda got a producer's Emmy & Tony Ulasewicz one for a supporting role when he told the Ctte with a stone cold straight face that he did not think it was unusual to be hiding manila envelopes stuffed with $25,000 in phone booths. Ah, the rigors of grad school.

    Happy New Year one and all, even the trolls.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      I will always think of the Watergate hearings, which I enjoyed up close and personal in our nation's capital, as one of the great highlights of my life. Watching the Prince of Darkness and his evil crew being taken out was pure pleasure. That said, I regret to realize that Nixon was a liberal by today's standards. How in heaven's name did that happen?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Happy New Year, weejee! Hugs to you, and may the year ahead be kinder than any yet so far.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Hey, look! Frothy Mixture is on Meat the Press and just said "there has been an explosion of spending by this administration….." He knows from explosions, right?

  • Goonemeritus

    I find it sobering to think these two were the best Republican presidents in my life time. I'm am sadly not being ironic with this statement I would gladly take either over the present crop of todays candidates in 2012.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      Agreed and, really, that says it all far as 2012's concerned.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    I happened to notice on the teevee that the word Occupy was on a list of "words to be banished" in 2012. How about we make "Fuck you Lake Superior State University" the catch-phrase of 2012? And fuck CBS for broadcasting it, also too.

    • UW8316154

      Occupy LakeSuperior University#

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Wha?

    • tessiee

      *offers nice cup of hot coffee*

      • Blueb4sunrise

        Uh. Thanks. Ummm, tessiee is it?
        Where, uh…….

        • UW8316154

          It's okay, everything's gonna be fine, and it's just a lucky thing noone got hurt.

  • V572 the Merciless

    Mittens could take some lessons in how to sound caring, genuine and sincere from those two.

  • larrykat

    May this be the year that real insurrection begins in America.

    • Negropolis

      Yes, let us please do the 60's, again, but this time not prematurely drop the ball near the end of the game.

  • Come here a minute

    I think you find a lot of folks in "the office" on New Years — worshipping at the porcelain throne.

  • Boojum_Reborn

    http://www.spreadingsantorum.com is the sixth site listed on a google search of "frothy". My resolution is to get it to number one.

    • DahBoner

      It's The Santorum Wave.

      Run!!!

  • Boojum_Reborn

    Kudos to Josh Marshall for "light brown line":

    Here’s current trend chart (prior to the release of the DMR poll). I’ve stripped out all the candidates besides Romney, Paul, Santorum and Gingrich. Santorum’s the light brown line rocketing up as Paul drops down.
    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/2011/12/dmr

    • Rotundo_

      A highly fluid race was also a legitimate, but amusing description of the race and Santorum's "light brown line rocketing up as Paul drops down." was pure genius. I think we're all going to enjoy the "Santorum Streak Comes To An End" headline in a couple of weeks.

      • BarackMyWorld

        Huh-huh…."fluid"…

      • Loaded_Pants

        "Santorum Drops Out"

        You just KNOW that'll be one of them.

    • Bluestatelibel

      I love the horserace aspect of all this, it's so exciting, just like a real horserace, except one where all the horses are brain-damaged.

      • Boojum_Reborn

        A three-legged horserace.

      • Biff

        MR horses. Fitting, for that stableful.

  • kissawookiee

    Gooooood morning Wonketteers. Like many of you, I have a screaming hangover. Unlike many of you, unfortch, this is due not to any kind of revelry last night but, rather, to an extreme sideways chainsaw assfuck of a weaponized cold delivered courtesy of my brother's humorless hag of a fiancee.

    I'm going to start drinking *now*, since I can't possibly feel any worse. Viva 2012!

    • HedonismBot

      You have my sympathy. My own wounds this morning are self-inflicted.

    • tessiee

      *offers nice bowl of hot chicken soup*

    • memzilla

      *pours tumbler of Maker's Mark, for teh germz sterilization*

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Poor Wookiee. Here's a NY hug and here's one to help you feel better. Try ingesting some ginger tea in between bouts of drinking, it'll keep you from horking your guts up.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    My fellow snarketeers, fear not the Mayan apocalypse. The guy in charge of that calendar just got sick of carving the damn thing, and went out to see a sacrifice with his buddies.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Shit! You just took all the fun out of the planned December 20-21 'party-like-there's-no-tomorrow" party.

      We'll just have to party anyway. So there. Too.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I bet it was a double hot young lesbian sacrifice.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Bring back the Mayans!
        (I didn't need that swat upside my head from my wife this morning…)

        • Biff

          As long as they look like Maya Rudolph, I'm good with it.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The guy doing the carving ran out of room. That is all.
      This happens when you carve circular calendars.
      (Damned fools didn't even carve cute kittens into the thing. No wonder they only sold one of 'em.)

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Did I give you your New Year's Hug yet, you li'l nut? If not, consider yourself duly hugged and kissed on both cheeks. Happy New Year!

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        You too, Z, and may 2012 be a year of good health.

    • tessiee

      "fear not the Mayan apocalypse"

      I had (and probably still have somewhere) an old Mad paperback that randomly contained a drawing that looked like one of those circular carved stone calendars. the caption said:

      "Ancient Aztec Symbol of Evil
      .
      .
      If gazed upon, causes death within the year
      .
      .
      .
      too bad for you if you looked."

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        That is so, so awesome.

  • DahBoner

    It's 2012.

    Surely, this is good news for Juan McCain (R-Panama)????

    • sbj1964

      Jaun McCain,shot down twice in Nam.And once by America.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Shot down by Palin when she was moose/elephant/Todd hunting…or whatever the hell she does.

    • Negropolis

      Everyday he wakes to see another sunrise is a good day for Juan Maqain.

    • not that Dewey

      He could really use some.

  • tessiee

    Not to sound like too much of a buzz-killing old fart, but one of the good things about having been married is that I no longer give two shits about having a date/plans/whatever for New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, et. al., which enables me to whatever it is I need to do on Dec. 31, and then get safely home before all the drunk drivers are on the road (and they start *early* here!).

    But happy new year to all the assembled multitudes here at Wonkette. You guys have made me laugh AND made me think, and I'm looking forward to the year to come (or more precisely, glad that last year is the HELL over with). Hope it's better for all of us.

    • sbj1964

      It could not get any worse,unless the Morlocs come to feed.

      • flamingpdog

        Or the Mormon comes to feed.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Happy New Year, darlz! And many hugs of teh day to you.

    • PuckStopsHere

      I enjoyed your commentary very much in 2011 tessie, and I look forward to more in 2012!

  • Biff

    2012 is already 10 hours old here, and I can tell it's just gonna be more of the same old crap…

    • sbj1964

      SOC for the next year.Wonderful.

  • HedonismBot

    Fine and dandy like sour candy, neighbor!

    • sbj1964

      "Let them eat Caviar."Mitt Romeny.

    • tessiee

      Thankily dankily, neighborino!

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      Bar's a whiz with cold drinks.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    I see that our favorite Republican candidate, Pennsylvanian Backdoor Rick, has spoken on "Meat: The Press" and declared that if he is preznut he would drop nuclear Santorum on all Iranian nuclear sites. I'm sure that millions of Christian fundamentalsts (Taliban) surged in Santorum's direction. Gonna be a fun year, folks.

    • sbj1964

      Stop this Crazy train!

    • Loaded_Pants

      Santorum's foreign policy is just going to be pure genius.

  • Neoyorquino

    Unemployed for 5 months. But someday, I too, look forward to being "ensconced in royal splendor." (Fuckers). Sorry. Just venting, and I might as well vent my spleen on GHWB and Richard (Aroo!) Nixon.

    • Biff

      Been looking for you, to thank you for the link to snark via Droid. So, thanks, happy new year, etc.

      • Neoyorquino

        Thanks, and right back at you with 2012 best wishes (and for all other Wonketteers for the sanity-preserving snark)!

        • Biff

          Hail to thee, future 1%er.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Here's hoping the new year rewards your job search with much happy successes. And here's a New Year hug. You just go right ahead and vent.

    • tessiee

      "someday, I too, look forward to being "ensconced in royal splendor.""

      Never been having been ensconced in anything, I have no opinion on it — but I do like to swan about.

    • user-of-owls

      Given that I am the utterly self-proclaimed expert in all things Mayan, I'll let you in on a little secret. For fun, I was transcribing the original Popol Vuh glyphs into modern K’iche’ when I ran across something unexpected.* The passage I was working on describes the killing of Seven Macaw, an ancient 1%er, by Hunahpu and Xbalanque, the Hero Twins:

      Thus the wealth of Seven Macaw was lost, for the healers took it away—the
      jewels, the precious stones, and all that which had made him proud here upon the face of the earth.

      And there, on the side of the stele, were some tiny hieroglyphs that must have been overlooked as unimportant. In modern K’iche’ they said, "Nu achi’l k’am -wäch mokokil xaqbi." In English, it means, "My friend will soon become comfortable in a job." So friend, there you have it.

      *Yes, of course I made all this shit up. Well, I did get the part about that prick Seven Macaw getting whacked right, and that is a genuine translation from K’iche’, the language of the Popul Vuh. The part about me deciphering gllyphs, eh, not so thruthy. But still, me and the Hero Twins are pulling for you!

  • Doktor Zoom

    Kid Zoom and I are ringing in the new year by watching as much of Ken Burns' The Civil War as we can this weekend. I haven't watched it since it first aired.

    So far, we're in agreement that General George McClellan was a real wuss, and that Abraham Lincoln was a hoopy frood who always knew where his towel was. Lincoln's line, "If General McClellan isn't going to use his army, I'd like to borrow it for a time" is going to be incorporated into Kid Zoom's speech class assignment next week; he's discussing McClellan's timidity as part of a presentation on Great Mistakes in History.

    • memzilla

      IMHO, McClellan was a great trainer of men, but couldn't bear the thought of losing the troops' love of him by ordering them to go get killed in battle.

      As for Great Mistakes in History, how about including the worst command in military history: "Forward, men… into the temporarily dry sea!"

    • sbj1964

      I went to Fort McClellan for basic training in the Army.And yes he was the worst General in U.S.History.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Yay, Kid Zoom! Enjoy yourselves, y'all.

      • AlterNewt

        Dr. Z – Did they include this unbelievable passage from a letter to his (McClellan's) wife?

        I find myself in a new and strange position here—Presdt, Cabinet, Genl Scott & all deferring to me—by some strange operation of magic I seem to have become the power of the land. … I almost think that were I to win some small success now I could become Dictator or anything else that might please me—but nothing of that kind would please me—therefore I won't be Dictator. Admirable self-denial!

        — George B. McClellan, letter to Ellen, July 26, 1861

        One of the great self-regarding 'Dicks of History'.

        • Doktor Zoom

          Yep, that was in there. Also McClellan's comments about Lincoln as "nothing more than a well-meaning baboon" and "the original gorilla."

    • tessiee

      "So far, we're in agreement that General George McClellan was a real wuss"

      It's been awhile since I watched that. Was McClellan the general who got a bunch of people killed because he waited and waited? I do remember that I could tell McClellan was kind of a dillweed, because in every single picture of him, he had his nose up in the air and his hair looked *perfect*.

      By the way, after McClellan was finished being a crappy Civil War general, he went on to become:
      .
      .
      .
      Governor of New Jersey.
      I swear to God I am *not* making that up!

      • Doktor Zoom

        That's the guy. Also dubbed the "Virginia Creeper" for his failure to actually attack once he'd landed in that state.

  • chascates

    There is something Newt Gingrich is NOT a world respected leader at!

    At a town hall in Atlantic, Iowa, Saturday afternoon, Gingrich gave an unusual reason for his present denial of man-made global warming. “I’m an amateur paleontologist,” Gingrich said. “I spend a lot of time looking at the Earth’s temperature for a very long time. I’m a lot harder to convince than just looking at a computer model.” ”

    • Biff

      Brilliant!

    • bagofmice

      Yeah, you're going to have to print out a lot more emails to convince him.

    • C_R_Eature

      "…he’s (Newt Gingrich) a stupid man’s idea of what a smart person sounds like"
      -Paul Krugman

      That is all.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      IF that were true, the dumbfuck would know that CO2 levels and temperatures were incredibly high, way back in the days before all that carbon got locked up into coal and oil deposits. And that returning to those balmy days when jungles covered Antarctica just might be a shitty idea, because if we don't like it, it's gonna be 200 million years before things get back to where they were 50 years ago.

      Fortunately, we have an alternative candidate who thinks he's gonna get his own personal planet, presumably with a perfectly swell climate (and a harem), long before the shit hits the fan for the rest of humanity. Nice Americanized version of the "76 virgins" bullshit that certain other crazed fuckers buy into.

      Which brings me to ask, who the fuck first floated the notion that we DON'T want the educated "elite" (a.k.a. people who actually know shit) to run the country? That person should be killed.

      • Biff

        I think reagan was the first anti-intellectual president, if not candidate.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        Given that it's NYD, and we're all in a good mood, and stuff, I propose we don't even think about killing him.

        Instead, I propose we think up torments galore ending JUST short of actual blessed relief, i.e., death.

        • C_R_Eature

          Good idea. Think Happy Thoughts.

          I vote for a spontaneous, uncontrolled bout of Explosive Gastrointestinal Decompression on the next live CSPAN event. Acquired from fondling Rotavirus carrying youngsters at all those Iowa whistle stops no doubt.

          Also, the next Cruse to a Euro-Crisis impacted Mediterranean island paradise he takes ("Just for Research Purposes, mind you!") turns into a Norovirus Nightmare. Bonus points for infecting the Republican national Convention on his return trip.

          Having crossed paths with both of these plagues, I can say with certainty that it's definitely something Newt should experience. Soon.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            I really, really like you. Really.

          • C_R_Eature

            Well golly, I don't hear that nearly enough. Thanks!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            It could be because you're really sick & twisted, 'n all, but hey.

          • C_R_Eature

            Yes, It's All True.

            When I first read this article I thought Newt had called himself an "amateur Proctologist". On second thought, that would have been far more accurate.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            OMG. I think I shall never have sex again, thanks to that vision of a leering, fat-faced Legohead Newt poking my bum with glee.

          • C_R_Eature

            *Retch*

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            Always happy to share the misery!

    • Loaded_Pants

      "amateur paleontologist"–a man of many interests, talents and ideas, that one.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        And an amateur at all of them.

    • flamingpdog

      Dear Newt:
      As a practicing, professional paleontologist, I know a lot of amateur paleontologists, and you are no amateur paleontologist. We don't fucking need you and we certainly don't fucking want you, you slime-sucking, lard-ass, pea-brained Coryphodon. If have to hear one more time that you're an amateur paleontologist, I will personably drive to your house and ram an unlubricated, silicified dinodick up your putrid ass.

      OH, and Happy New Year, everybody!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        ZOMG, coryphodons are just too fucking cute for words!

        Happy New Year, pdog! I didn't know you were a professional paleontologist. How cool is that!

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          I believe fpd's point is that "Coryphodon had one of the smallest brain/body ratios of any mammal, living or extinct."

          I read it on the internet, so it must be true.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            Well, yes, but isn't that (broadly generally speaking) true of the cute as a group? It's hard work being cute, uses up a lot of brain cells. Not enough left over to figure out a good survival plans apparently.

      • Biff

        So does this mean he gets all the wives by telling them he's an amateur gynecologist?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          ZOMG. NOBODY's ever going to have sex again after that mental image. NOBODY. (looks mournfully at empty bed)

      • C_R_Eature

        flamingpdog: I just wanted to thank you for your professional expertise and the link to the Coryphodon. A new thing, for me and I love learning new things.
        Being neither a Professional nor an Amateur Paleontologist, I would have gone with a Coprolith, but "one of the smallest brain/body ratios of any mammal, living or extinct." is way cooler.

        • flamingpdog

          Don't tell Palinz, but I think Coryphodon was also one of the butt-ugliest (as restored) mammals in existence.

          • C_R_Eature

            Just between you, me and the lamppost, then.

            That's another thing Gingrich and Coryphodon have in common!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      "I spend a lot of time looking at the Earth's temperature for a very long time."

      I'm sure he does, and he uses a rectal thermometer stuck up his own ass.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      A NY hug to you, chascates.

      I'm going off and hate on Newt in silence, so as not to spoil the friendly mood.

    • tessiee

      "“I spend a lot of time looking at the Earth’s temperature for a very long time."

      WTF does that even mean?
      Without trying to deconstruct all the grammatical and syntactical nightmares in that quote…
      How, exactly, does that bloated, pasty, cancer-wife-divorcing serial adulterer "look at the Earth's temperature", for a very long time, or a very short time, or any length of time whatsoever? Does Newt, when he's not mainlining cheetos, molesting interns, enjoying his daily lard rubdown, or spending taxpayer money at Tiffany's, sit on his fat, cellulite-riddled, white ass, staring at the porch thermometer for hours at a time? Or is he under the influence of some powerful hallucinogen that makes him think that he can actually look at a temperature?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        No matter. Teabaggers don't try to work out the actual meaning of the dog whistles they respond to.
        Try reading some of Reagan's speeches sometime, and you'll be screaming "WTF?" in short order, for the same reason.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          No thanks. I already had to do that live for eight years.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            You DID? Gadz, what a fate! My deepest sympathies. He was the original bubblehead.

            Did I give you one of my patented NotDrunken New Year's Hugs? If not, here go. ()

        • Biff

          There you go again…

    • Guppy

      “I’m an amateur paleontologist,”

      It's a lot easier when you only have 6000 years of history to account for.

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Yeah, my 9 year old is an amateur paleontologist, too, if by amateur paleontologist we mean somebody who likes movies with dinosaurs in them, which I'm pretty sure we do.

  • chascates

    Surging Sweater-Vested Rick Santorum, interviewed by Chuck Todd:
    ANTORUM: I think marriage has to be one thing for everybody. We can’t have 50 different marriage laws in this country, you have to have one marriage law…

    TODD: What would you do with same-sex couples who got married? Would you make them get divorced?

    SANTORUM: Well, their marriage would be invalid. I think if the constitution says “marriage is this,” then people whose marriage is not consistent with the constitution… I’d love to think there’s another way of doing it.

    He went on to claim that “same-sex couples can contract for everything” except government benefits and compared the loving marriages of many gay and lesbian couples to having a friend or an aunt.

    via ThinkProgress

    • sbj1964

      Fashion Fail 101.He looks like Mr.Rodgers.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      I think I'm just gonna strangle the little fuck. Asshole, I've got gay friends who've been married longer than you AND your parents combined. And if I were monogamously inclined, I'd be one of them. Asshole!

  • sbj1964

    Suday Jan 1st 2012. Still waiting on that flying car,Moon base Alpha,and That hover board from Back to the Future.Maybe next year?Oh right,there wont be a next year.Stupid Hollywood!

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Time to put the glass down.

    • bagofmice

      Ok, previous operating theory is completely blown by this. I suspect flaky space bar.

      • sbj1964

        Space BAR N A Z I !

      • sbj1964

        Are you hitting on me again WTF? I told you I don't do Fat chicks!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        He's using VOX SW due to visual problems, I think. At least he said something to that effect once before.

  • BigDumbRedDog

    I rang in the new year with a fever of 101. So far 2012 sucks as much as 2011. Ima take a nap now and hopefully wake up in 2013.

    • sbj1964

      Rip the van Winkle!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Sorry to hear that. Here's a nice warm NY hug. Is there anyone around who can help take care of you? Take aspirin to bring the fever down, if it's not contraindicated for you.

      Here's hoping you return to us before long.

  • BarackMyWorld
    • Bluestatelibel

      I hear Mittens is notoriously cheap; they only way he'd buy votes is with other people's money. But Newt in general is correct (on this matter only of course).

    • Biff

      That's precious. As if Newt wouldn't buy an election if HE could, too. Problem is, Mitt actually can.
      (Erroneously posted to NtD's comment, fixed.)

    • Loaded_Pants

      Oh please, as though none of them wouldn't buy the election if they could.

      • tessiee

        The difference being that it would be a huge step *down* for Mitt, who could just spend the rest of his life in luxury with his billions, instead of using them to buy a job.

    • Guppy

      The difference between Mitt and Newt is that Mitt would use cash.

  • not that Dewey

    This.

    Happy new year, everybody.

    • sbj1964

      Right back at you Dewey!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Hugs & HNY to the whole ntDewey fambly!

  • sbj1964

    New Years day American Football.The sport of Kings! Wait that's horse racing.American Football the sport that Soccer wishes it could be!

  • Biff

    Oh for fuck's sake, kill me now.

    • BarackMyWorld

      The good news is that the track record for these type (or any other type) of predictions isn't very good.

    • sbj1964

      Time for the Revolution!

    • Loaded_Pants

      But what does Pat Robertson say?

      • BarackMyWorld

        Pat Robertson? I knew there was somebody I forgot to put down on my 2012 dead pool!

  • AlterNewt

    Former Wonkette writer guy Jason Linkins wrote this morning, of Michelle Bachmann:

    "Proven and tested in the fires of Washington! Maybe stared into those flames too long! Maybe, she sees those flames, dancing in her mind's eye when she dreams! These are all just maybes! And yet, the flames, the flames!"

    • sbj1964

      Marcus Bachman ,and his Gay tribute to the Village people are what is normally dancing in her head.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Still, there's much flaming involved.

        • flamingpdog

          I should be upset, but I'm not.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            I should be hot, but … wut?

    • BarackMyWorld

      I forgot he used to write over here….I've been enjoying his Huffpost work tremendously lately.

      • chascates

        Such as (from today):
        "We're number one in the category of enthusiasm," says Bachmann, who has never met a Ron Paul supporter. (Actually, she has, I forget her old Iowa campaign manager is a Ron Paul supporter now!)

        • http://www.wonkette.com Pres.Libunatic

          That's the GOP equivalent of "Joementum".

      • AlterNewt

        He's pretty much the only reason to go there, I think.

        • BarackMyWorld

          Agreed.

          • AlterNewt

            Okay. Good meeting.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        He's just about the only writer there that is really worth reading. Once again, I owe a debt to Wonkette. Also for Alex Pareene at Salon.

    • tessiee

      After which, she ate a bunch of sugar cubes, put her shirt on inside-out, and ran around yelling, "I AM CORNHOLIO!!"

      • Chichikovovich

        Wow, good insight. The resemblance between one-L and Beavis as Cornholio is most striking when someone asks B/C some innocuous question and he responds with "ARE YOU THREATENING ME"?
        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoPVC4YxDlI&fe

    • Joshua Norton

      Apropos of nothing in particular, that sounds like a variation of crazy Dalek Caan's speech in "Dr. Who".

      I flewww into the wild and fire… I danced and died a thousand times…

      /trivia lesson

  • BarackMyWorld

    Santorum and Paul are using this last weekend before the caucus to shoot themselves in the foot.

    Now, admittedly, pro-lifers will eat that crazy "Obama should be pro-life because he's black" stuff up and Rick's actually said it before, but throwing race into the abortion debate is not the kind of thing you say if you want to be seen as electable.

    Paul, however, while being consistent is also now totally fucked. Between this and the newsletter stuff, the press from across the political spectrum going to come after him HARD now.

    • flamingpdog

      (1) Santorum lives in a completely different world.

      (2) I was momentarily afraid to click on the "Santorum" link, this being Wonkette. Thanks for sending me to a non-sploogey site.

      (3) I hate that Ron Paul actually makes sense in same of his observations, in a perfect world. Too bad individual racism in our non-perfect world is just as if not even more insidious and dangerous than governmentally-enforced apartheid.

      (4) Remind me to never step on his lawn.

    • Negropolis

      I just read the Paul story. What makes me so angry about it is how totally unnecessary it was. Of all of the actual legislation through our modern history that has undermined privacy and he chooses the Civil Rights Act of 1964? Are you fucking kidding me?! If anyone was still giving him the benefit of the doubt concerning whether he was an actual racist or not, this should be the station you get off at on the train. To go that far out of one's way to make a totally silly point is proof enough as far as I'm concerned. It takes a special level of dangerous derangement to point to that 1964 act as the bases of the erosion of privacy.

      For the love of everything good and holy, prop this special, little guy up as the GOP standard bearer. This is American Libertarianism's dirty little secret – a secret not so secret if people would look at them more than once a year. Modern American Libertarianism has a strain of xenophobia even more virulent and dangerous than that in the general Republican Party. The main party strain is kind of reflexive, ignorant, and mindless. It's so not subtle and so in-your-face that for even as digusting as it it, it can often be laughed at because of its clumsiness. The strain in American Libertarianism is built around a more sophisticated, subtle philosophy, but one that is even more dangerously and woefully wrong, historically and morally so. Libertarianism is often so popular where it is in this country because its adherents believe that when played out to its end game that it "solves" an ethnic "problem." Normal people laugh at the talk of a race war. These people believe and anticipate it as surely as they do anything else they believe, but even more to the point, they welcome it.

      Let these fuckers be a rude American revelation. Let the stoner, college Paultards see who and what they've really and actually been worshipping. Your decrepit, crypt-kept emperor has no clothes. He's a dirty and evil old man, right on a handful of issues but fatally wrong on almost all others.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        Wow. Worth drinking to, my man. So the right.

  • FlyOverGirl

    Ooooh, Bachmann on CNN admitting to eating at Culvers. Sways 15% of tepid voters

  • hunnybee

    dear Wonketteers, thank you for the many belly laughs. you are witty and smart and i love stopping by to hang out and to learn a little something.
    Barb i hope you are feeling fine. i was away for the holidays so i am late to the party. anyway you folks are much appreciated and i just wanted you to know that.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      (Hugs the hunnybee) I don't remember if I met you, talked to you, or hugged you, but I'm on my third or fourth painkiller/spliff combo of the day, and no longer care. A very happy New Year to you!

  • WinterOuthouse

    So, I go outside this afternoon because there is a bit of commotion. There, I see a drunk ass bastard rolling around on the goddamn street. Cars are stopped as this drunk asshole staggers around in a wide wrestler's stance. He finally throws up and makes his way off the street, only to bumble about and get tangled in the Evergreen Tree. He crawls out from under the tree and fumbles along for another half a block creating a wave of drunken stupidity, followed by a stream of piss. I'm just about to call 911 for this poor alcohol poisoned son-of-a-bitch when a pick up truck pulls up and a crew of slightly more sober rednecks jump out and grab the drunken lout, whisking him off to the semi-safety of his friends' bosoms. Then it hits me. This guy looks exactly like Ken.

    All is true except for the Ken part…

  • Biff

    I damn near put a slug through my TV watching Dixie Jew on 60 Minutes tonight. Mother Fucker!

  • Negropolis

    I think we're gonna need a bigger year, y'all.

    I just wont my Wonketteers to promise me one thing. If you start hearing Leon Panetta or David "Peaches" talking about an inevitable war with Iran, I want to see every one of you out in the streets.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      That is my solemn promise.

  • fuflans

    i think i haven't been sober since november.

    practicing for 2012…

    happy new year my worthly wokette skum!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Hug and a HNY to you, fu!

  • sbj1964

    MonkeyBiz !! Happy New year from the Wonk to all of the Crasstalkers!

  • fartknocker

    Happy Jizzuary fellow Wonketters. Tomorrow we get watch Iowa bring out the best the GOP has to offer and cream of the Koch.

    It's going to suck having Rick Perry back in Texas.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Well, let's just say I probably won't be spending anymore New Year's Eves outside of the house. From now on, people come to my place, where I can at least be assured something interesting will happen, whether there are people there or not.

  • Radiotherapy

    Hey I'm bored here. does anyone else see the subliminal booty action in the Iced Tea Shocker ad in the sidebar?

    • not that Dewey

      I've never seen a booty with cubic cellulite before.

      • Biff

        Cubic cellulite? I think it's just pixelated, ntDewey.

        • Radiotherapy

          Now I think I'm seeing Santorum in that crack, Arghhh, we need a post….

        • not that Dewey

          Pitcher of Iced Tea with Subliminal Booty by Chuck Close

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Damn, just when I had convinced myself it was my own Feeeeeeelthy Mind.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Meh. More than 400 comments? I'm going to wait for wonkette Jr. (if that's even his/her real name) to start anew for the new year. Gag. Sorry, been shopping beekeeping sites and shit like this just creeps into the vocab when first thing you read is "To Bee or Not To Bee" and other such cutesy gems.

    • chascates

      Cool! Mann Lake, Dadant, Glory Bee or what? Beekeeping is my next goal here on the farm.

  • Biff

    On my way to a dentist appointment, because apparently my capitalist pig dentist doesn't care to give his employees the holiday off. Fine with me, but it sure would be nice to have a fresh new post to welcome me home when i get back.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Should be back by now. I better go over and kick on the other post's doors.

  • lulzmonger

    This comment has been removed by a Mayan Elder.