The Grifter Singularity has occurred (in theory, anyway), and it is the WORST APOCALYPSE EVER, courtesy of The Hill:
Newt Gingrich said that former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin would be among the candidates that he would consider when considering a potential running mate, adding that the former GOP vice presidential nominee would be an ideal candidate for Secretary of Energy.
Perfection. Imagine the delightful times they’ll have, thumbing through the Tiffany catalog while helicopter hunting squads kill off the last wolves and bears and, eventually, squirrels … all while oil companies drop actual sacks of gold on the White House, which will be covered in Big Gulp advertisements. [The Hill]
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Gingrich Releases Kraken; Shark Jumpers Not Amused
This bitch is a snowbilly zombie – she just won't die! Yeah Newt…put the grifter in charge of the nukes…smart move fuckin' moran!
She's just itching to shoot Wolf Blitzer from a helicopter.
Wrong kind of Wolf – but hell I won't complain.
Who isn't?
That runty little bastard is quicker than he looks.
That's ONE Wolf I wouldn't mind shooting from a 'copter myself.
Gingrich added, "I would also include Donald Trump among the candidates for Secretary of Commerce. And Rick Perry for Secretary of Education. And Rick Santorum for Secretary of Health and Human Services."
Don't forget Herman Cain for Secretary of Defense. Totally hypothetically, of course.
And Herman Cain for Ambassador to Uz-becki-becki-stan-stan-stan.
The You, Becky, Becky-Stan, Stan, Stanis will just LERVE that.
I think I saw this movie.
It was called "Fall of the Republic: Revenge of the Grift"
Palin would make an excellent Minister of House Appliances
not too busy, not too nutty, just right for her IQ.
yeah rite. That bitch couldn't figure out how to set the time on her DVD player
Far as I know, the only thing she does with household appliances is throw them at Todd.
I wouldn't let her near my toaster oven.
To ask if Ole Newt is delusional might unintentionally suggest he enjoys occasional moments of sanity.
He was so damn smug when he was leading in the polls. Apparently he is just as smarmy when he's at the bottom.
Perhaps he thinks he's going to climb back up again. Hasn't he noticed that the GNoPee Flavor-of-the-Week never repeats?
How's that Black Walnut workin' out for ya? You betcha!
Not to mention that as "Chief Executive" of the State of Alaska, she completely ignored the Lower Yukon food and fuel crisis of 2009. She actually never did act on behalf of her constituents as Governor (but she did bring Jesus cookies on a Samaritan's Purse lear-jet fleet junket.)
How would she respond to a fuel crisis as the Energy Czar of fungible commodities?
just when I think I'm out THEY PULL ME BACK IN!
Poor Sarah, always a bridesmaid of Frankenstein never the bride of Frankenstein…
…YET!
Even Frankenstein has standards.
DUH!
Oh no you don't, Newt; that two-bit grifter's fifteen minutes are finally up, you don't go and make her relevant so we have to see that face and that voice on our teevees again.
Watch, the bitch will show up in ragtag clothes again and expect the RNC to buy her whole family a whoredrobe. Oopsie, wardrobe. Sorry, I am out of White-Out over here.
Her staff is already busy washing the poo stains off of her nicest thong.
And her gang is busy washing hooker pooh stains off Todd's staff.
Whoredrobe; once again I am in awe, Barb.
Thanks!
What a great presidency a Gingrich administration would make — he's got the attention span of a lightning bolt, the listening abilities of a donkey, the hubris of a Siamese cat, and he intends to fill his cabinet with incompetent, knowledge-averse partisan divas (because that's pretty much all he has to choose from now). He should really be the president of Zimbabwe instead of the US — that way, he might do some good and he couldn't possibly make things any worse.
Yeah, maybe reduce the inflation rate to 900%
You get a loaf of bread, you get a loaf of bread, you get a loaf of bread….
Gingrich could fuck up Zimbabwe with one pudgy hand tied behind his back.
Robert Mugabe libel!
Honestly, when is that fucker going to die, already? Won't someone put out there that we've found oil in Zimbabwe, or that Mugs is selling uranium to Iran, or that he's practicing white chattel slavery, or that he knows where Natalee Holloway is?
If Newt had thought this through he'd have realized that if they were ever elected she'd have him killed within three months.
He does kind of look like a polar bear when viewed through a rifle scope from a small plane….
Newt / Knut 2012!
She'd fire a rifle at him, but the bullet would quit and drop to the ground halfway through its flight.
"Secretary of Energy"
Dim bulbs are people too, my friends.
If as VP, Palin gets cancer, will Newt abandon her for a younger grifter?
Only if she gets breast cancer.
Christine O'Duhnell?
That one's ass looks like a sackful of cats. Angry cats.
I think Newton likes them a tad more peaceable.
Does a bear shit in the woods?
He really wants to lose this thing, doesn't he.
Because it worked so well for McCain, right?
What the fuck is Newt
thinkingdrinking?Yeah, but the die-hards don't blame Palin, it was ol' librul McCain who let "that one" win the White House.
For Newt this has always been nothing more than a book tour gone wild.
Sec. of Energy = Hey, run out and get more Four Loco 'Classic'.
Dementia demonstrates itself in surprising ways.
With McCain, it was thinking that the Snowbilly Grifter was qualified to be just a heartbeat away from running the Free World.
With Newt, his constant, perverted lust makes him confuse "Viagra sex with crazy MILF" with "Secretary of the Department of Energy".
This is good news for John McCain.
And better news for Barack Obama.
And excellent news for Herman Cain.
And amazing news for Todd.
Shill, baby, shill!
Newt is a modern day Lincoln; he's assembling a Team Of Rivals. DAMN YOU DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN!
Sounds more like a team of assassins, if you ask me.
Newt to Sarah: "You can't outrun the pimpin' bitch. I done told ya."
Rick Santorum for Health and Human Services, or really, Secretary of Abortion.
Can we start with him?
Retroactively.
Retroactively? You're right, I guess it's only fair to use back alley, pre-Roe v. Wade methods on him.
Dibs on driving the hanger into his skull!
Or any sharp pointy thing, really. I have metal chopsticks.
I'd like to see Sarah as VP, so she could be in charge of the Senate.
Groundhog Day!
Totally. Joe Biden must be having debate nightmares already.
There are also some very important Cabinet positions that she could fill very, very well," Gingrich said.
Yeah, all the shelves in the kitchen cabinets, with food and stuff.
He seriously had a word salad going on this little soft-shoe, they are so well versed in each other. . .
This is good news for Tina Fey.
And Sara Benincasa!
And all comedians everywhere including we amateurs here on da Wonkz!
Newt might as well announce that he'll have two Veeps: Mooselini and One L.
Two Veeps, One Cup.
~
I could see that happening: As a historian, Newt Gingrich wouldn't see any problems with some sort of tripartite executive. What's the worst that could go wrong, really?
I guess… I guess what I'm saying is that he's a really shitty historian.
So apparently Newt has still not learnt about Title 18, Part I, Chapter 29, Section 599 of the U.S. Code. Naming cabinet members during an election is illegal.
Quid pro quo. Exactly how much moose meat does a cabinet position go for, hm Newt?
Although, I suppose "someone I'd consider" is the get-out clause here. Heard that used before by many candidates.
Sarah Palin would never take another government job, she'd never take that kind of pay-cut.
He'll fire any Federal judge that tries to enforce it, so no problem.
Well, you know, as Michele Bachmann said so astutely, it's not like it's THEIR job to tell us the law of the land.
Sec. of State Bolton doesn't give a shit.
Laws are for assholes and Democrats!
But Herb offered State to Kissinger.
Grift Sr./Grift Jr. 2012
So, Newt wasn't paying attention to Palin's drag on the '08 ticket. Some historian.
Wait, I thought it was Marcus in drag?
Five bucks says the GOP nominee has zero chance to win on purpose. They just want the DNC to waste all their money and time on it. The real conservative sand in the gears is winning Senate races. I seriously think the GOP is shorting the market on the Presidency.
I think you're on to something there. Better send more money to Sherrod Brown.
Shush, don't tell him, this might finally sink him but good.
Newt is a historian as I am the king of Scotland
IDI AMIN LIBEL!!!1!
When Palin comes out and declares, I bet she won't suggest picking Newt as a running mate. Possibly secretary of something.
Did someone create a cabinet-level Department of Malfeasance, Falsehood and Corruption?
This is what we call "Honor among thieves."
Jon Stewart picked the wrong week to be on vacation.
He ALWAYS does.
Same with SNL. They always miss the best stuff of the year on their hiatus.
They'll scoop it all up on their way in the door.
If there was evidence that Newt! has realized that he isn't going to take Iowa and the rest of the lot to follow either, this is it. He's just fucking with people now and peddling books. You can only attribute so much to stupidity and hubris, this is in a whole new territory.
True, but if this brings back the Palin zombie from her well deserved media limbo, I'll hate him even more.
Keep in mind that our current Secretary of Energy has a Nobel Prize in physics.
Jesus wept.
A Secretary of Energy who believes in science!? That will not stand!
Well then it's only fair that a complete idiot get a chance then, right?
That sounds fair and balanced!
Oh really… Sarah Palin has a Wasilla PTA Prize in Car Pooling.
Yeah, but 'Chu' sound kind of foreign and well, not white, so we can't trust him. Not to mention that he believes in some bizarre conspiracy about the continents moving slowly, over millions of years.
Yeah, but all that matters to the Repugs is Solyndra.
Some (political) scientists predicted we would exhaust our supply of Palin material by now, but apparently recycling really works. Thanks, Newt!
Newt contemplating his VP pick reminds me of the times I've agonized over who my date will be when I receive the Academy Award nomination for best actor.
I suddenly agree with Rick Perry and support abolition of the Department of Energy.
Omg, it is so terrifying. Can a president really do that? Abolish the Department of Energy, the Department of Education, and the EPA? Thus country could literally burn if one of these sociopaths gets into power.
I feel like there was another one but I legitimately can't remember. oh wow.
EDIT: pretty sure it was Department of Commerce.
This actually might be what Newt's thinking: Lou Sarah's quitting problem wouldn't be a issue at the Department of Energy, because the department would cease to exist shortly thereafter. BRILLIANT.
Newt prolly also thinks she's a good fit for Secretary of: "I Told You, No Teeth, Bitch!"
Sarah Palin who claimed Alaska produced 20% of the nation's energy, when it actually produces less than 4%.
Since Gingrich is a republican, she sounds over qualified.
Did she mention that Alaska supplied 100% of the morons running for VP in 2008?
Desperation.
Because of the Santorum Surge, we now have the Neut Poot.
Santorum Surge…is that another way of saying Iowa' un-natural disaster is result of a Brown Tide?
Most of the Rethug would be Presidents want to make Pat Robertson Secretary of Defense of the Unborn, just sayin'.
Colonel Gringrich's methods have become… unsound.
I don't see any method at all, sir.
You are to terminate his candidacy with extreme prejudice.
Horror… Horror has a face…
…and it's bloated, sneering and porcine.
Now I'm torn. On the one hand, I'm on board with the whole killing squirrels thing. On the other hand….WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING?! It's time to bite off the other hand and spit it out on a jesus statue. gah.
I expect them to get matching "I'm with Stupid" shirts.
But the cat fights between Sarah and Calista would be awesome, amirite?
Sarah and who? If Newtie put Sarah on the ticket as Vice-Grifter, Clitsta would be back in GA punching the keys on a WalMart cash register waiting for the alimony that she'd never see.
When did the GOP become clown-college? It wasn't always like this. Was it sudden or has it been a steady decline since Saint Ronald took over?
Give that man a stuffed bear!
Saint Ronald gave it a real shove, but three stooges named Harding, Coolidge, and Hoover got things off to a great start.
Newt's favorite sort of lie – one that can never be proven.
Newt, this is BRILLIANT! Sarah Palin as Vice President!
Man, it is so outside-the-box to think INSIDE the 2008 box.
ALWAYS go with the tried and true! Because it's worked so well in the past. Maybe.
Will we get to learn Jr's real identity before the Apocalypse?
It's Ken. (right?) Jr. is his "lighter side".
They can ship this whole class of characters to Afghanistan. No one has lost any.
Oh, Ms. Heath. They don't know how to quit you, bless their hearts.
I thought Newt didn't like Cancerous ladies.
Do ya 'spose Gnewt thinks of $arah Palin the way McCain thinks of $arah Palin? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qUVQDmLf7s
Those were great _ I never saw them before! Thanks!
It's got electrolytes!
I think Newt has decided on who his next wife will be.
Y'know, I was actually kinda wistful about not laughing at Alaskrazy lately. I was wrong. Fucking wrong.
Can you only fathom how every presser begins with Snowbilly as Sec of Energy?
"Now turn to chapter 3 of my book, Going Rogue, that y'all can be buyin' on the Amazons for jest $18.80. Evurybudy needz tuh readh my buuk tuh see how tuh fix thuh world."
Sarah as permanent VP candidate? Sounds gruesome.
Palin as Secretary of Energy? You may as well put me in charge of research in theoretical physics because I played Half-Life once.
hahaha and Newt is the smartest Repug too – being a distinguished professor history at distinguished West Kennesaw (Georgia) State College of Sister Fuckers or whatever….
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