GRIFTER SINGULARITY  4:49 pm December 30, 2011

Apocalypse Now: Newt Considering Palin For V.P. Or Secretary of Energy

by Wonkette Jr.

The Grifter Singularity has occurred (in theory, anyway), and it is the WORST APOCALYPSE EVER, courtesy of The Hill:

Newt Gingrich said that former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin would be among the candidates that he would consider when considering a potential running mate, adding that the former GOP vice presidential nominee would be an ideal candidate for Secretary of Energy.

Perfection. Imagine the delightful times they’ll have, thumbing through the Tiffany catalog while helicopter hunting squads kill off the last wolves and bears and, eventually, squirrels … all while oil companies drop actual sacks of gold on the White House, which will be covered in Big Gulp advertisements. [The Hill]

 
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{ 145 comments }

Troubledog December 30, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Gingrich Releases Kraken; Shark Jumpers Not Amused

hagajim December 30, 2011 at 4:52 pm

This bitch is a snowbilly zombie – she just won't die! Yeah Newt…put the grifter in charge of the nukes…smart move fuckin' moran!

Barb December 30, 2011 at 4:54 pm

She's just itching to shoot Wolf Blitzer from a helicopter.

hagajim December 30, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Wrong kind of Wolf – but hell I won't complain.

Limeylizzie December 30, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Who isn't?

V572 the Merciless December 30, 2011 at 6:37 pm

That runty little bastard is quicker than he looks.

PalinzADummy December 31, 2011 at 12:48 am

That's ONE Wolf I wouldn't mind shooting from a 'copter myself.

Lucidamente1 December 30, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Gingrich added, "I would also include Donald Trump among the candidates for Secretary of Commerce. And Rick Perry for Secretary of Education. And Rick Santorum for Secretary of Health and Human Services."

Biel_ze_Bubba December 30, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Don't forget Herman Cain for Secretary of Defense. Totally hypothetically, of course.

flamingpdog December 30, 2011 at 6:02 pm

And Herman Cain for Ambassador to Uz-becki-becki-stan-stan-stan.

PalinzADummy December 31, 2011 at 12:51 am

The You, Becky, Becky-Stan, Stan, Stanis will just LERVE that.

dadanarchist December 30, 2011 at 5:06 pm

I think I saw this movie.

It was called "Fall of the Republic: Revenge of the Grift"

voodooeconomics December 30, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Palin would make an excellent Minister of House Appliances
not too busy, not too nutty, just right for her IQ.

GregComlish December 30, 2011 at 5:59 pm

yeah rite. That bitch couldn't figure out how to set the time on her DVD player

PalinzADummy December 31, 2011 at 12:51 am

Far as I know, the only thing she does with household appliances is throw them at Todd.

Isyaignert December 31, 2011 at 3:27 am

I wouldn't let her near my toaster oven.

Tundra Grifter December 30, 2011 at 5:07 pm

To ask if Ole Newt is delusional might unintentionally suggest he enjoys occasional moments of sanity.

He was so damn smug when he was leading in the polls. Apparently he is just as smarmy when he's at the bottom.

Perhaps he thinks he's going to climb back up again. Hasn't he noticed that the GNoPee Flavor-of-the-Week never repeats?

How's that Black Walnut workin' out for ya? You betcha!

NorthStarSpanx January 1, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Not to mention that as "Chief Executive" of the State of Alaska, she completely ignored the Lower Yukon food and fuel crisis of 2009. She actually never did act on behalf of her constituents as Governor (but she did bring Jesus cookies on a Samaritan's Purse lear-jet fleet junket.)

How would she respond to a fuel crisis as the Energy Czar of fungible commodities?

Baconzgood December 30, 2011 at 5:08 pm

just when I think I'm out THEY PULL ME BACK IN!

Serolf_Divad December 30, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Poor Sarah, always a bridesmaid of Frankenstein never the bride of Frankenstein…

drrty_martini December 31, 2011 at 12:52 am

…YET!

PalinzADummy December 31, 2011 at 12:53 am

Even Frankenstein has standards.

DaRooster December 30, 2011 at 5:10 pm

DUH!

SorosBot December 30, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Oh no you don't, Newt; that two-bit grifter's fifteen minutes are finally up, you don't go and make her relevant so we have to see that face and that voice on our teevees again.

Barb December 30, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Watch, the bitch will show up in ragtag clothes again and expect the RNC to buy her whole family a whoredrobe. Oopsie, wardrobe. Sorry, I am out of White-Out over here.

KenLayIsAlive December 30, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Her staff is already busy washing the poo stains off of her nicest thong.

Barb December 30, 2011 at 5:43 pm

And her gang is busy washing hooker pooh stains off Todd's staff.

SorosBot December 30, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Whoredrobe; once again I am in awe, Barb.

Barb December 30, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Thanks!

SayItWithWookies December 30, 2011 at 5:13 pm

What a great presidency a Gingrich administration would make — he's got the attention span of a lightning bolt, the listening abilities of a donkey, the hubris of a Siamese cat, and he intends to fill his cabinet with incompetent, knowledge-averse partisan divas (because that's pretty much all he has to choose from now). He should really be the president of Zimbabwe instead of the US — that way, he might do some good and he couldn't possibly make things any worse.

littlebigdaddy December 30, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Yeah, maybe reduce the inflation rate to 900%

starfanglednut December 30, 2011 at 7:22 pm

You get a loaf of bread, you get a loaf of bread, you get a loaf of bread….

HempDogbane December 30, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Gingrich could fuck up Zimbabwe with one pudgy hand tied behind his back.

Negropolis December 30, 2011 at 11:54 pm

Robert Mugabe libel!

Honestly, when is that fucker going to die, already? Won't someone put out there that we've found oil in Zimbabwe, or that Mugs is selling uranium to Iran, or that he's practicing white chattel slavery, or that he knows where Natalee Holloway is?

bumfug December 30, 2011 at 5:16 pm

If Newt had thought this through he'd have realized that if they were ever elected she'd have him killed within three months.

tcaalaw December 30, 2011 at 5:22 pm

He does kind of look like a polar bear when viewed through a rifle scope from a small plane….

KenLayIsAlive December 30, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Newt / Knut 2012!

flamingpdog December 30, 2011 at 5:42 pm

She'd fire a rifle at him, but the bullet would quit and drop to the ground halfway through its flight.

nounverb911 December 30, 2011 at 5:16 pm

"Secretary of Energy"
Dim bulbs are people too, my friends.

nounverb911 December 30, 2011 at 5:18 pm

If as VP, Palin gets cancer, will Newt abandon her for a younger grifter?

hollywooddood December 30, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Only if she gets breast cancer.

DaRooster December 30, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Christine O'Duhnell?

PalinzADummy December 31, 2011 at 12:56 am

That one's ass looks like a sackful of cats. Angry cats.

I think Newton likes them a tad more peaceable.

Negropolis December 31, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Does a bear shit in the woods?

neiltheblaze December 30, 2011 at 5:25 pm

He really wants to lose this thing, doesn't he.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 30, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Because it worked so well for McCain, right?

What the fuck is Newt thinking drinking?

GhostBuggy December 31, 2011 at 1:45 am

Yeah, but the die-hards don't blame Palin, it was ol' librul McCain who let "that one" win the White House.

Beowoof December 30, 2011 at 8:06 pm

For Newt this has always been nothing more than a book tour gone wild.

Blueb4sunrise December 30, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Sec. of Energy = Hey, run out and get more Four Loco 'Classic'.

Mrspanky December 30, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Dementia demonstrates itself in surprising ways.

With McCain, it was thinking that the Snowbilly Grifter was qualified to be just a heartbeat away from running the Free World.

With Newt, his constant, perverted lust makes him confuse "Viagra sex with crazy MILF" with "Secretary of the Department of Energy".

ThundercatHo December 30, 2011 at 5:29 pm

This is good news for John McCain.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 30, 2011 at 6:09 pm

And better news for Barack Obama.

Pres.Libunatic December 30, 2011 at 7:09 pm

And excellent news for Herman Cain.

Negropolis December 30, 2011 at 11:56 pm

And amazing news for Todd.

Callyson December 30, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Shill, baby, shill!

Schmannnity December 30, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Newt is a modern day Lincoln; he's assembling a Team Of Rivals. DAMN YOU DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN!

Negropolis December 30, 2011 at 11:56 pm

Sounds more like a team of assassins, if you ask me.

Steverino247 December 30, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Newt to Sarah: "You can't outrun the pimpin' bitch. I done told ya."

Schmannnity December 30, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Rick Santorum for Health and Human Services, or really, Secretary of Abortion.

KenLayIsAlive December 30, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Can we start with him?

starfanglednut December 30, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Retroactively.

KenLayIsAlive December 30, 2011 at 8:14 pm

Retroactively? You're right, I guess it's only fair to use back alley, pre-Roe v. Wade methods on him.

Dibs on driving the hanger into his skull!

PalinzADummy December 31, 2011 at 12:58 am

Or any sharp pointy thing, really. I have metal chopsticks.

hollywooddood December 30, 2011 at 5:37 pm

I'd like to see Sarah as VP, so she could be in charge of the Senate.

littlebigdaddy December 30, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Groundhog Day!

KenLayIsAlive December 30, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Totally. Joe Biden must be having debate nightmares already.

flamingpdog December 30, 2011 at 5:40 pm

There are also some very important Cabinet positions that she could fill very, very well," Gingrich said.

Yeah, all the shelves in the kitchen cabinets, with food and stuff.

NorthStarSpanx January 1, 2012 at 10:17 pm

He seriously had a word salad going on this little soft-shoe, they are so well versed in each other. . .

Schmannnity December 30, 2011 at 5:44 pm

This is good news for Tina Fey.

flamingpdog December 30, 2011 at 5:46 pm

And Sara Benincasa!

littlebigdaddy December 30, 2011 at 5:49 pm

And all comedians everywhere including we amateurs here on da Wonkz!

ifthethunderdontgetya December 30, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Newt might as well announce that he'll have two Veeps: Mooselini and One L.

Two Veeps, One Cup.
~

Negligently_Joe December 30, 2011 at 10:06 pm

I could see that happening: As a historian, Newt Gingrich wouldn't see any problems with some sort of tripartite executive. What's the worst that could go wrong, really?

I guess… I guess what I'm saying is that he's a really shitty historian.

savethispatient December 30, 2011 at 5:50 pm

So apparently Newt has still not learnt about Title 18, Part I, Chapter 29, Section 599 of the U.S. Code. Naming cabinet members during an election is illegal.

KenLayIsAlive December 30, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Quid pro quo. Exactly how much moose meat does a cabinet position go for, hm Newt?

savethispatient December 30, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Although, I suppose "someone I'd consider" is the get-out clause here. Heard that used before by many candidates.
Sarah Palin would never take another government job, she'd never take that kind of pay-cut.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 30, 2011 at 6:11 pm

He'll fire any Federal judge that tries to enforce it, so no problem.

PalinzADummy December 31, 2011 at 1:00 am

Well, you know, as Michele Bachmann said so astutely, it's not like it's THEIR job to tell us the law of the land.

HempDogbane December 30, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Sec. of State Bolton doesn't give a shit.

johnnyzhivago December 30, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Laws are for assholes and Democrats!

NorthStarSpanx January 1, 2012 at 10:19 pm

But Herb offered State to Kissinger.

DaRooster December 30, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Grift Sr./Grift Jr. 2012

PuglyDoRight December 30, 2011 at 6:04 pm

So, Newt wasn't paying attention to Palin's drag on the '08 ticket. Some historian.

littlebigdaddy December 30, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Wait, I thought it was Marcus in drag?

PocketsTheClown December 30, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Five bucks says the GOP nominee has zero chance to win on purpose. They just want the DNC to waste all their money and time on it. The real conservative sand in the gears is winning Senate races. I seriously think the GOP is shorting the market on the Presidency.

PuglyDoRight December 31, 2011 at 6:04 am

I think you're on to something there. Better send more money to Sherrod Brown.

PalinzADummy December 31, 2011 at 1:01 am

Shush, don't tell him, this might finally sink him but good.

arihaya December 31, 2011 at 3:21 am

Newt is a historian as I am the king of Scotland

flamingpdog December 31, 2011 at 6:30 pm

IDI AMIN LIBEL!!!1!

paris biltong December 30, 2011 at 6:10 pm

When Palin comes out and declares, I bet she won't suggest picking Newt as a running mate. Possibly secretary of something.

FlownOver December 31, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Did someone create a cabinet-level Department of Malfeasance, Falsehood and Corruption?

BarackMyWorld December 30, 2011 at 6:11 pm

This is what we call "Honor among thieves."

Biel_ze_Bubba December 30, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Jon Stewart picked the wrong week to be on vacation.

comrad_darkness December 30, 2011 at 6:47 pm

He ALWAYS does.

Negropolis December 30, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Same with SNL. They always miss the best stuff of the year on their hiatus.

AlterNewt December 31, 2011 at 5:47 pm

They'll scoop it all up on their way in the door.

Rotundo_ December 30, 2011 at 6:19 pm

If there was evidence that Newt! has realized that he isn't going to take Iowa and the rest of the lot to follow either, this is it. He's just fucking with people now and peddling books. You can only attribute so much to stupidity and hubris, this is in a whole new territory.

real_dc_native December 30, 2011 at 9:49 pm

True, but if this brings back the Palin zombie from her well deserved media limbo, I'll hate him even more.

Guppy December 30, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Keep in mind that our current Secretary of Energy has a Nobel Prize in physics.

Jesus wept.

starfanglednut December 30, 2011 at 7:26 pm

A Secretary of Energy who believes in science!? That will not stand!

KenLayIsAlive December 30, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Well then it's only fair that a complete idiot get a chance then, right?

Guppy December 30, 2011 at 8:22 pm

That sounds fair and balanced!

johnnyzhivago December 30, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Oh really… Sarah Palin has a Wasilla PTA Prize in Car Pooling.

SorosBot December 30, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Yeah, but 'Chu' sound kind of foreign and well, not white, so we can't trust him. Not to mention that he believes in some bizarre conspiracy about the continents moving slowly, over millions of years.

Negropolis December 30, 2011 at 11:59 pm

Yeah, but all that matters to the Repugs is Solyndra.

BarackMyWorld December 30, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Some (political) scientists predicted we would exhaust our supply of Palin material by now, but apparently recycling really works. Thanks, Newt!

Indiepalin December 30, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Newt contemplating his VP pick reminds me of the times I've agonized over who my date will be when I receive the Academy Award nomination for best actor.

Pragmatist2 December 30, 2011 at 6:25 pm

I suddenly agree with Rick Perry and support abolition of the Department of Energy.

starfanglednut December 30, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Omg, it is so terrifying. Can a president really do that? Abolish the Department of Energy, the Department of Education, and the EPA? Thus country could literally burn if one of these sociopaths gets into power.

soojank December 30, 2011 at 8:50 pm

I feel like there was another one but I legitimately can't remember. oh wow.

EDIT: pretty sure it was Department of Commerce.

Negligently_Joe December 30, 2011 at 10:09 pm

This actually might be what Newt's thinking: Lou Sarah's quitting problem wouldn't be a issue at the Department of Energy, because the department would cease to exist shortly thereafter. BRILLIANT.

ttommyunger December 30, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Newt prolly also thinks she's a good fit for Secretary of: "I Told You, No Teeth, Bitch!"

comrad_darkness December 30, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Sarah Palin who claimed Alaska produced 20% of the nation's energy, when it actually produces less than 4%.

Since Gingrich is a republican, she sounds over qualified.

KenLayIsAlive December 30, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Did she mention that Alaska supplied 100% of the morons running for VP in 2008?

DerrickWildcat December 30, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Desperation.

Pres.Libunatic December 30, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Because of the Santorum Surge, we now have the Neut Poot.

irishdave3 December 31, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Santorum Surge…is that another way of saying Iowa' un-natural disaster is result of a Brown Tide?

weejee December 30, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Most of the Rethug would be Presidents want to make Pat Robertson Secretary of Defense of the Unborn, just sayin'.

Doktor Zoom December 30, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Colonel Gringrich's methods have become… unsound.

not that Dewey December 30, 2011 at 8:35 pm

I don't see any method at all, sir.

Schmannnity December 30, 2011 at 10:08 pm

You are to terminate his candidacy with extreme prejudice.

user-of-owls January 1, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Horror… Horror has a face…

…and it's bloated, sneering and porcine.

user-of-owls December 30, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Now I'm torn. On the one hand, I'm on board with the whole killing squirrels thing. On the other hand….WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING?! It's time to bite off the other hand and spit it out on a jesus statue. gah.

Barrelhse December 30, 2011 at 8:39 pm

I expect them to get matching "I'm with Stupid" shirts.

Bluestatelibel December 30, 2011 at 8:57 pm

But the cat fights between Sarah and Calista would be awesome, amirite?

flamingpdog December 30, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Sarah and who? If Newtie put Sarah on the ticket as Vice-Grifter, Clitsta would be back in GA punching the keys on a WalMart cash register waiting for the alimony that she'd never see.

real_dc_native December 30, 2011 at 9:39 pm

When did the GOP become clown-college? It wasn't always like this. Was it sudden or has it been a steady decline since Saint Ronald took over?

DustBowlBlues December 30, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Give that man a stuffed bear!

Dudleydidwrong December 30, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Saint Ronald gave it a real shove, but three stooges named Harding, Coolidge, and Hoover got things off to a great start.

DocChaos December 30, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Newt's favorite sort of lie – one that can never be proven.

Spurning Beer December 30, 2011 at 9:51 pm

Newt, this is BRILLIANT! Sarah Palin as Vice President!

Man, it is so outside-the-box to think INSIDE the 2008 box.

PalinzADummy December 31, 2011 at 1:14 am

ALWAYS go with the tried and true! Because it's worked so well in the past. Maybe.

DustBowlBlues December 30, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Will we get to learn Jr's real identity before the Apocalypse?

NogFilledExistence December 30, 2011 at 11:03 pm

It's Ken. (right?) Jr. is his "lighter side".

Negropolis December 31, 2011 at 12:01 am

They can ship this whole class of characters to Afghanistan. No one has lost any.

Oh, Ms. Heath. They don't know how to quit you, bless their hearts.

ManchuCandidate December 31, 2011 at 12:14 am

I thought Newt didn't like Cancerous ladies.

Isyaignert December 31, 2011 at 3:30 am

Do ya 'spose Gnewt thinks of $arah Palin the way McCain thinks of $arah Palin? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qUVQDmLf7s

thebeatgoeson December 31, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Those were great _ I never saw them before! Thanks!

gogogodzilla December 31, 2011 at 12:13 pm

It's got electrolytes!

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 31, 2011 at 3:07 pm

I think Newt has decided on who his next wife will be.

KeepFnThatChicken December 31, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Y'know, I was actually kinda wistful about not laughing at Alaskrazy lately. I was wrong. Fucking wrong.

FlyOverGirl December 31, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Can you only fathom how every presser begins with Snowbilly as Sec of Energy?

"Now turn to chapter 3 of my book, Going Rogue, that y'all can be buyin' on the Amazons for jest $18.80. Evurybudy needz tuh readh my buuk tuh see how tuh fix thuh world."

donner_froh January 2, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Sarah as permanent VP candidate? Sounds gruesome.

CommieLibunatic January 2, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Palin as Secretary of Energy? You may as well put me in charge of research in theoretical physics because I played Half-Life once.

carlgt1 January 3, 2012 at 9:58 pm

hahaha and Newt is the smartest Repug too – being a distinguished professor history at distinguished West Kennesaw (Georgia) State College of Sister Fuckers or whatever….

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