grifter singularity

Apocalypse Now: Newt Considering Palin For V.P. Or Secretary of Energy

The Grifter Singularity has occurred (in theory, anyway), and it is the WORST APOCALYPSE EVER, courtesy of The Hill:

Newt Gingrich said that former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin would be among the candidates that he would consider when considering a potential running mate, adding that the former GOP vice presidential nominee would be an ideal candidate for Secretary of Energy.

Perfection. Imagine the delightful times they’ll have, thumbing through the Tiffany catalog while helicopter hunting squads kill off the last wolves and bears and, eventually, squirrels … all while oil companies drop actual sacks of gold on the White House, which will be covered in Big Gulp advertisements. [The Hill]

About the author

Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!

View all articles by Wonkette Jr.

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Troubledog

    Gingrich Releases Kraken; Shark Jumpers Not Amused

  • hagajim

    This bitch is a snowbilly zombie – she just won't die! Yeah Newt…put the grifter in charge of the nukes…smart move fuckin' moran!

  • Barb

    She's just itching to shoot Wolf Blitzer from a helicopter.

    • hagajim

      Wrong kind of Wolf – but hell I won't complain.

    • Limeylizzie

      Who isn't?

    • V572 the Merciless

      That runty little bastard is quicker than he looks.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      That's ONE Wolf I wouldn't mind shooting from a 'copter myself.

  • Lucidamente1

    Gingrich added, "I would also include Donald Trump among the candidates for Secretary of Commerce. And Rick Perry for Secretary of Education. And Rick Santorum for Secretary of Health and Human Services."

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Don't forget Herman Cain for Secretary of Defense. Totally hypothetically, of course.

    • flamingpdog

      And Herman Cain for Ambassador to Uz-becki-becki-stan-stan-stan.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        The You, Becky, Becky-Stan, Stan, Stanis will just LERVE that.

  • dadanarchist

    I think I saw this movie.

    It was called "Fall of the Republic: Revenge of the Grift"

  • voodooeconomics

    Palin would make an excellent Minister of House Appliances
    not too busy, not too nutty, just right for her IQ.

    • GregComlish

      yeah rite. That bitch couldn't figure out how to set the time on her DVD player

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Far as I know, the only thing she does with household appliances is throw them at Todd.

    • Isyaignert

      I wouldn't let her near my toaster oven.

  • Tundra Grifter

    To ask if Ole Newt is delusional might unintentionally suggest he enjoys occasional moments of sanity.

    He was so damn smug when he was leading in the polls. Apparently he is just as smarmy when he's at the bottom.

    Perhaps he thinks he's going to climb back up again. Hasn't he noticed that the GNoPee Flavor-of-the-Week never repeats?

    How's that Black Walnut workin' out for ya? You betcha!

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Not to mention that as "Chief Executive" of the State of Alaska, she completely ignored the Lower Yukon food and fuel crisis of 2009. She actually never did act on behalf of her constituents as Governor (but she did bring Jesus cookies on a Samaritan's Purse lear-jet fleet junket.)

      How would she respond to a fuel crisis as the Energy Czar of fungible commodities?

  • Baconzgood

    just when I think I'm out THEY PULL ME BACK IN!

  • Serolf_Divad

    Poor Sarah, always a bridesmaid of Frankenstein never the bride of Frankenstein…

    • http://drinkiesinthe253.blogspot.com/ drrty_martini

      …YET!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Even Frankenstein has standards.

  • DaRooster

    DUH!

  • SorosBot

    Oh no you don't, Newt; that two-bit grifter's fifteen minutes are finally up, you don't go and make her relevant so we have to see that face and that voice on our teevees again.

    • Barb

      Watch, the bitch will show up in ragtag clothes again and expect the RNC to buy her whole family a whoredrobe. Oopsie, wardrobe. Sorry, I am out of White-Out over here.

      • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

        Her staff is already busy washing the poo stains off of her nicest thong.

        • Barb

          And her gang is busy washing hooker pooh stains off Todd's staff.

      • SorosBot

        Whoredrobe; once again I am in awe, Barb.

        • Barb

          Thanks!

  • SayItWithWookies

    What a great presidency a Gingrich administration would make — he's got the attention span of a lightning bolt, the listening abilities of a donkey, the hubris of a Siamese cat, and he intends to fill his cabinet with incompetent, knowledge-averse partisan divas (because that's pretty much all he has to choose from now). He should really be the president of Zimbabwe instead of the US — that way, he might do some good and he couldn't possibly make things any worse.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Yeah, maybe reduce the inflation rate to 900%

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      You get a loaf of bread, you get a loaf of bread, you get a loaf of bread….

    • HempDogbane

      Gingrich could fuck up Zimbabwe with one pudgy hand tied behind his back.

    • Negropolis

      Robert Mugabe libel!

      Honestly, when is that fucker going to die, already? Won't someone put out there that we've found oil in Zimbabwe, or that Mugs is selling uranium to Iran, or that he's practicing white chattel slavery, or that he knows where Natalee Holloway is?

  • bumfug

    If Newt had thought this through he'd have realized that if they were ever elected she'd have him killed within three months.

    • tcaalaw

      He does kind of look like a polar bear when viewed through a rifle scope from a small plane….

      • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

        Newt / Knut 2012!

    • flamingpdog

      She'd fire a rifle at him, but the bullet would quit and drop to the ground halfway through its flight.

  • nounverb911

    "Secretary of Energy"
    Dim bulbs are people too, my friends.

  • nounverb911

    If as VP, Palin gets cancer, will Newt abandon her for a younger grifter?

    • hollywooddood

      Only if she gets breast cancer.

    • DaRooster

      Christine O'Duhnell?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        That one's ass looks like a sackful of cats. Angry cats.

        I think Newton likes them a tad more peaceable.

    • Negropolis

      Does a bear shit in the woods?

  • neiltheblaze

    He really wants to lose this thing, doesn't he.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Because it worked so well for McCain, right?

      What the fuck is Newt thinking drinking?

      • GhostBuggy

        Yeah, but the die-hards don't blame Palin, it was ol' librul McCain who let "that one" win the White House.

    • Beowoof

      For Newt this has always been nothing more than a book tour gone wild.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Sec. of Energy = Hey, run out and get more Four Loco 'Classic'.

  • Mrspanky

    Dementia demonstrates itself in surprising ways.

    With McCain, it was thinking that the Snowbilly Grifter was qualified to be just a heartbeat away from running the Free World.

    With Newt, his constant, perverted lust makes him confuse "Viagra sex with crazy MILF" with "Secretary of the Department of Energy".

  • ThundercatHo

    This is good news for John McCain.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And better news for Barack Obama.

      • http://wonkette.com Pres.Libunatic

        And excellent news for Herman Cain.

        • Negropolis

          And amazing news for Todd.

  • Callyson

    Shill, baby, shill!

  • Schmannnity

    Newt is a modern day Lincoln; he's assembling a Team Of Rivals. DAMN YOU DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN!

    • Negropolis

      Sounds more like a team of assassins, if you ask me.

  • Steverino247

    Newt to Sarah: "You can't outrun the pimpin' bitch. I done told ya."

  • Schmannnity

    Rick Santorum for Health and Human Services, or really, Secretary of Abortion.

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      Can we start with him?

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Retroactively.

        • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

          Retroactively? You're right, I guess it's only fair to use back alley, pre-Roe v. Wade methods on him.

          Dibs on driving the hanger into his skull!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            Or any sharp pointy thing, really. I have metal chopsticks.

  • hollywooddood

    I'd like to see Sarah as VP, so she could be in charge of the Senate.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Groundhog Day!

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      Totally. Joe Biden must be having debate nightmares already.

  • flamingpdog

    There are also some very important Cabinet positions that she could fill very, very well," Gingrich said.

    Yeah, all the shelves in the kitchen cabinets, with food and stuff.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      He seriously had a word salad going on this little soft-shoe, they are so well versed in each other. . .

  • Schmannnity

    This is good news for Tina Fey.

    • flamingpdog

      And Sara Benincasa!

    • littlebigdaddy

      And all comedians everywhere including we amateurs here on da Wonkz!

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Newt might as well announce that he'll have two Veeps: Mooselini and One L.

    Two Veeps, One Cup.
    ~

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

      I could see that happening: As a historian, Newt Gingrich wouldn't see any problems with some sort of tripartite executive. What's the worst that could go wrong, really?

      I guess… I guess what I'm saying is that he's a really shitty historian.

  • savethispatient

    So apparently Newt has still not learnt about Title 18, Part I, Chapter 29, Section 599 of the U.S. Code. Naming cabinet members during an election is illegal.

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      Quid pro quo. Exactly how much moose meat does a cabinet position go for, hm Newt?

    • savethispatient

      Although, I suppose "someone I'd consider" is the get-out clause here. Heard that used before by many candidates.
      Sarah Palin would never take another government job, she'd never take that kind of pay-cut.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      He'll fire any Federal judge that tries to enforce it, so no problem.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        Well, you know, as Michele Bachmann said so astutely, it's not like it's THEIR job to tell us the law of the land.

    • HempDogbane

      Sec. of State Bolton doesn't give a shit.

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      Laws are for assholes and Democrats!

      • NorthStarSpanx

        But Herb offered State to Kissinger.

  • DaRooster

    Grift Sr./Grift Jr. 2012

  • PuglyDoRight

    So, Newt wasn't paying attention to Palin's drag on the '08 ticket. Some historian.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Wait, I thought it was Marcus in drag?

    • PocketsTheClown

      Five bucks says the GOP nominee has zero chance to win on purpose. They just want the DNC to waste all their money and time on it. The real conservative sand in the gears is winning Senate races. I seriously think the GOP is shorting the market on the Presidency.

      • PuglyDoRight

        I think you're on to something there. Better send more money to Sherrod Brown.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Shush, don't tell him, this might finally sink him but good.

    • arihaya

      Newt is a historian as I am the king of Scotland

      • flamingpdog

        IDI AMIN LIBEL!!!1!

  • paris biltong

    When Palin comes out and declares, I bet she won't suggest picking Newt as a running mate. Possibly secretary of something.

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Did someone create a cabinet-level Department of Malfeasance, Falsehood and Corruption?

  • BarackMyWorld

    This is what we call "Honor among thieves."

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Jon Stewart picked the wrong week to be on vacation.

    • comrad_darkness

      He ALWAYS does.

    • Negropolis

      Same with SNL. They always miss the best stuff of the year on their hiatus.

      • AlterNewt

        They'll scoop it all up on their way in the door.

  • Rotundo_

    If there was evidence that Newt! has realized that he isn't going to take Iowa and the rest of the lot to follow either, this is it. He's just fucking with people now and peddling books. You can only attribute so much to stupidity and hubris, this is in a whole new territory.

    • real_dc_native

      True, but if this brings back the Palin zombie from her well deserved media limbo, I'll hate him even more.

  • Guppy

    Keep in mind that our current Secretary of Energy has a Nobel Prize in physics.

    Jesus wept.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      A Secretary of Energy who believes in science!? That will not stand!

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      Well then it's only fair that a complete idiot get a chance then, right?

      • Guppy

        That sounds fair and balanced!

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      Oh really… Sarah Palin has a Wasilla PTA Prize in Car Pooling.

    • SorosBot

      Yeah, but 'Chu' sound kind of foreign and well, not white, so we can't trust him. Not to mention that he believes in some bizarre conspiracy about the continents moving slowly, over millions of years.

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, but all that matters to the Repugs is Solyndra.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Some (political) scientists predicted we would exhaust our supply of Palin material by now, but apparently recycling really works. Thanks, Newt!

  • Indiepalin

    Newt contemplating his VP pick reminds me of the times I've agonized over who my date will be when I receive the Academy Award nomination for best actor.

  • Pragmatist2

    I suddenly agree with Rick Perry and support abolition of the Department of Energy.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Omg, it is so terrifying. Can a president really do that? Abolish the Department of Energy, the Department of Education, and the EPA? Thus country could literally burn if one of these sociopaths gets into power.

      • soojank

        I feel like there was another one but I legitimately can't remember. oh wow.

        EDIT: pretty sure it was Department of Commerce.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

      This actually might be what Newt's thinking: Lou Sarah's quitting problem wouldn't be a issue at the Department of Energy, because the department would cease to exist shortly thereafter. BRILLIANT.

  • ttommyunger

    Newt prolly also thinks she's a good fit for Secretary of: "I Told You, No Teeth, Bitch!"

  • comrad_darkness

    Sarah Palin who claimed Alaska produced 20% of the nation's energy, when it actually produces less than 4%.

    Since Gingrich is a republican, she sounds over qualified.

    • http://sickrantorum.com KenLayIsAlive

      Did she mention that Alaska supplied 100% of the morons running for VP in 2008?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Desperation.

  • http://wonkette.com Pres.Libunatic

    Because of the Santorum Surge, we now have the Neut Poot.

    • irishdave3

      Santorum Surge…is that another way of saying Iowa' un-natural disaster is result of a Brown Tide?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Most of the Rethug would be Presidents want to make Pat Robertson Secretary of Defense of the Unborn, just sayin'.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Colonel Gringrich's methods have become… unsound.

    • not that Dewey

      I don't see any method at all, sir.

    • Schmannnity

      You are to terminate his candidacy with extreme prejudice.

    • user-of-owls

      Horror… Horror has a face…

      …and it's bloated, sneering and porcine.

  • user-of-owls

    Now I'm torn. On the one hand, I'm on board with the whole killing squirrels thing. On the other hand….WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING?! It's time to bite off the other hand and spit it out on a jesus statue. gah.

  • Barrelhse

    I expect them to get matching "I'm with Stupid" shirts.

  • Bluestatelibel

    But the cat fights between Sarah and Calista would be awesome, amirite?

    • flamingpdog

      Sarah and who? If Newtie put Sarah on the ticket as Vice-Grifter, Clitsta would be back in GA punching the keys on a WalMart cash register waiting for the alimony that she'd never see.

  • real_dc_native

    When did the GOP become clown-college? It wasn't always like this. Was it sudden or has it been a steady decline since Saint Ronald took over?

    • DustBowlBlues

      Give that man a stuffed bear!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Saint Ronald gave it a real shove, but three stooges named Harding, Coolidge, and Hoover got things off to a great start.

  • DocChaos

    Newt's favorite sort of lie – one that can never be proven.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    Newt, this is BRILLIANT! Sarah Palin as Vice President!

    Man, it is so outside-the-box to think INSIDE the 2008 box.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      ALWAYS go with the tried and true! Because it's worked so well in the past. Maybe.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Will we get to learn Jr's real identity before the Apocalypse?

    • http://wonkette.com NogFilledExistence

      It's Ken. (right?) Jr. is his "lighter side".

  • Negropolis

    They can ship this whole class of characters to Afghanistan. No one has lost any.

    Oh, Ms. Heath. They don't know how to quit you, bless their hearts.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I thought Newt didn't like Cancerous ladies.

  • Isyaignert

    Do ya 'spose Gnewt thinks of $arah Palin the way McCain thinks of $arah Palin? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qUVQDmLf7s

    • thebeatgoeson

      Those were great _ I never saw them before! Thanks!

  • gogogodzilla

    It's got electrolytes!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I think Newt has decided on who his next wife will be.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Y'know, I was actually kinda wistful about not laughing at Alaskrazy lately. I was wrong. Fucking wrong.

  • FlyOverGirl

    Can you only fathom how every presser begins with Snowbilly as Sec of Energy?

    "Now turn to chapter 3 of my book, Going Rogue, that y'all can be buyin' on the Amazons for jest $18.80. Evurybudy needz tuh readh my buuk tuh see how tuh fix thuh world."

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Sarah as permanent VP candidate? Sounds gruesome.

  • CommieLibunatic

    Palin as Secretary of Energy? You may as well put me in charge of research in theoretical physics because I played Half-Life once.

  • carlgt1

    hahaha and Newt is the smartest Repug too – being a distinguished professor history at distinguished West Kennesaw (Georgia) State College of Sister Fuckers or whatever….