novel legal defenses

Rick Perry Pleads Stupidity In Response To Question About Gay Sex

Early-onset dementia victim Rick Perry managed to flub a basic question in his only known area of expertise, “gay stuff,” after a town hall participant asked him to explain how he manages to reconcile his constant, vapid harping about limited government with his public opposition as Texas governor to the 2003 Supreme Court case that ruled same-sex anti-sodomy laws an unconstitutional intrusion of government — an opposition that Rick Perry has evidently forgotten about. His response is a bewildered stare off into space as he repeats a few words, and if you look hard you can almost see the thought bubble forming over the top of his head reading, “Shit, gay sex is legal now?”

That lasts for a few seconds before his wires pick up an EARTH TO RICK PERRY signal from the crowd, and he moves into autopilot with a rant about government spending. As usual, however, the mean reporters can’t just let it go.

From ABC News:

Asked by Ken Herman, a columnist with the Austin American Statesman, for clarification on whether he knew what the case concerned, Perry responded, “I’m not taking the bar exam…I don’t know what a lot of legal cases involve.”

When told that the Supreme Court case struck down the Texas sodomy law, Perry said, “My position on traditional marriage is clear and I don’t know need a law. I don’t need a federal law case to explain it to me.”

The Texas governor referenced Lawrence v. Texas in his 2010 book Fed Up!, calling it one of the court cases in which “Texans have a different view of the world than do the nine oligarchs in robes.”

That’s right, y’all. There’s only allowed to be one oligarch, and he only gets to wear fancy gay cowboy boots, and be named Rick Perry. [ABC News]

What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    Perry should have deferred the question to his pal Marcus Bachmannn.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I understand that Santorum is all over sodomy.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Marcus's response (to anything, actually): "Super! Thanks for asking!"

  • HalluxValgus

    it also struck down some pretty fun hetero sex stuff.

    • HalluxValgus

      dammit- struck dow the OPPOSITION to some fun hetero sex stuff. Mainly the mouth stuff, since that's basically the only part I'm good at.

      • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

        It's okay, I'm opposed to opposition.

    • NYNYNYjr

      Struck up, rather

  • bureaucrap

    "Knowledge? We don't need no stinking Knowledge!"

  • nounverb911

    "Rick Perry Pleads Stupidity In Response To Question About Gay Sex"
    However, Perry is an expert when comes to sex with fuzzy quadrupeds.

  • DaRooster

    Where have I heard the, "…Gotchya question…" thing before….?
    Aaauurrrgh!! NOOoooo!!

  • dadanarchist

    "Taking the Fifth": Refusal to self-incriminate.

    "Taking the Perry": Refusal to self-incriminate (that you are a moron).

    • NorthStarSpanx

      He could have gone with a "straights" understanding of sex (sodomy) :

      "Well, if you as an American, want to wriggle around in excrement, that's your deal."
      http://wonkette.com/?s=Nancy+Elliott

  • Barb

    The Texas governor referenced Lawrence v. Texas in his 2010 book Fed Up!

    I'm going to refer to the legal case that sums up Rick's campaign-
    Smelt It v. Dealt It.

  • PuckStopsHere

    The Texas governor referenced Lawrence v. Texas in his 2010 book Fed Up!

    The Governor cannot be expected to read a book he wrote, for crying out loud. He's a busy man, etc.

    • memzilla

      The Governor cannot be expected to write a book he wrote.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        My head hurts.

    • SorosBot

      Next thing people might expect him to remember major Supreme Court decisions his state lost while he's been governor.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Anyone who thinks Rocket Science Rick wrote the phrase "nine oligarchs in robes" is in serious need of a helping of Nigerian Prince emails.

  • MissTaken

    One Tinker's Heck?

    Is that a new position involving fancy gay cowboy boots and hair?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Likely he's hammered and having a ball with his peen.

      Tink, tink, tink, fap, fap, fap tap, tap, tap

  • memzilla

    What could be more gay than naming your boots, Gubbnuh Goodhair? Unless it's writing "Come and take it" on the right boot, too.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Naming the matching banana hammock.

    • fartknocker

      He also had the boot maker brand one of them "LEFT" and another "RIGHT" so he could figure out which foot to put them on.

      • GOPCrusher

        They also put "This side up" on the heels, so in case he decides he needs to poor piss out of them.

    • littlebigdaddy

      They're his "fuck me" boots.

  • Biff

    Seems that at one point in his life he knew there were 9 Supremes, at least. I think if we can trace back to when he forgot that fact, we might begin to get to the bottom of his wingtardization.

    • memzilla

      That's Perry all right — a bottom wingtard.

  • Callyson

    "…the problem in this country is spending in Washington, D.C., it’s not some Supreme Court case.”
    Gee, Rick, maybe one way for the government to cut its costs would be to stop trying to enforce the anti – sodomy laws that were overturned by the Lawrence v Texas ruling?
    Moran.

  • SorosBot

    Someone who doesn't think he needs to know the law is exactly who we want deciding whether to sign or veto new laws, and to enforce the laws of the nation.

    • MissTaken

      Gawd Soros, you think Perry has time to open the US Constitution and read up on the job description for President of the United States? For shame.

      • SorosBot

        He probably learned from his predecessor as Texas Governor that the President does Presidentin' stuff, and whatever the VP tell 'im to. Bomb peoples too.

      • GOPCrusher

        According to his Iowa Campaign Manager, Rick carries a copy of the Constitution in his shirt pocket, so he understands it quite well.

        • Loaded_Pants

          And he often uses it to wipe off the flop sweat.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        His position is clear, and he doesn't need a Consitution to explain it.

  • CapeClod

    He's out of his element. Back in Texas, when he gets a question he doesn't know the answer to, he just takes out his gun and starts shooting it into the air.

    • emmelemm

      Sounds about right.

  • hagajim

    Stupid is stupid. If you're gonna hate the gheyz ya'll should know them cases that gave them gheyz the ghey right to bugger one another…is this guys name Rick or Dumbfuck?

  • ProgressiveInga

    He's got a Texas-sized case of CRS:
    Can't remember shit.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Oh, I guess it's obvious it wouldn't mean Congressional Research Services to him.

  • Tommmcattt

    Needs moar Filipino porn stars.

    • dijetlo

      Honestly, what doesn't?

      • Tommmcattt

        Right? I wish they had them in church.

  • HalluxValgus

    STATES' RIGHTS. Only states have the right to regulate awesome sex. Texas- missionary or nothing! I think it's on their flag.

    • Guppy

      Jesus fucking Christ, it's a sad day when the Wonkettariat has to be the ones to answer Rick Perry's questions for him.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Oops!

  • freakishlywrong

    Ghey. They vote. Good luck, Mr. "I hate the Federal Gubbmint, but I aim to run the fukkin' thang, y'all!" "PeewwPewww"!

  • Lucidamente1

    I thought "Oligarchs in Robes" was a glam rock band that Rick really, really liked.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      I'd love to hear him try to spell it.

  • MissTaken

    He probably mixed up sodomy with lobotomy. That's a real pretty ear you got there.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I once mixed them up with a girlfriend, and, boy, she never did forgive me.

      • MissTaken

        Uh oh! Did she give you "the dolphin"? Eh eh, eh eh…

  • http://drpaul2012.wordpress.com Donner, Party of 1

    Shorter Perry: I can't even think about cornholing anonymous male prostitutes in cheap and darkened hotel rooms with this 15 trillion dollar debt hanging over my head.

    • NYNYNYjr

      I heard Perry is separating from Russel Brand. Brand couldn't take all the campaigning in Iowa. He's not going to win anyway, so he may as well go back to singing.

  • Baconzgood

    "Mr Perry, what time do you have?"

    "Um….Uhhhhh. I'm not…..(looks about in confusion)…See….um…aaaaaa. Lower taxes for job creators."

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Now I'm confused. I can only process web postings in "listicle" form now.

  • MissTaken

    Without even hitting the play button on the clip you can already see the hamster wheel in Perry's head spinning, spinning, and spinning.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      I'll pass the obvious joke about "gaining traction" there…

    • Negropolis

      All I can see is a forzen status bar that reads "buffering."

  • SayItWithWookies

    That little digression about government spending is the same answer Rick gives when asked about foreign policy, too. It's also his answer to every question about domestic policy, monetary policy, what he wants for dinner, the names of his pets, and the infield fly rule. It's like the man has nothing but sodomy on the brain all the time.

    • http://drpaul2012.wordpress.com Donner, Party of 1

      He could use Herman Cain's "999" catch-all if there weren't so many damned 9s in it.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      You left off being offside in soccer.

  • Baconzgood

    They must put somthing in the water in the Texas governor's mansion to make the governers more stupider.

    • AlterNewt

      Yes. Bourbon.

    • nounverb911

      Isn't it time for it to burn down again?

    • MaxNeanderthal

      More stupider than who? Or than they already are? Running for Gubner of the cowfukkin state makes you pretty fucking stupid before you start…

      • Loaded_Pants

        Quite a steep slide from Richards, for sure. Probably a record.

  • memzilla

    You can actually see him flip through his mental index cards of Rethuglican lies talking points and come up blank… and then remember the all-important "Ignore the Question, Get Out Of Jail Free, Regurgitate Any Random Rethuglican Lie Talking Point."

    *snf* I miss Tim Russert.

  • SorosBot

    So Perry now isn't sure if he might be endorsing Santorum or not?

  • MozakiBlocks

    Ricky is so far back in the closet, he can see Narnia.

  • DaRooster

    “Texans have a different view of the world than do the nine oligarchs in robes.”

    "Although I do like a view of some of those guys in robes. If you know what I mean… heh… yeah Buddy."

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Nine oligarchs in robes, bent on world domination – Nazgul!

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Of all the clowns juggling around Iowa right now, you'd think Perry would be the one to have the best command of gay sex issues.

    • SorosBot

      That depends – does Michele have Marcus with her?

      • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

        I dunno, but I bet Marcus doesn't walk around with used condoms in his pocket.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Memo to Perry's handlers/ coaches/ hand-holders: "Quit letting Harold sniff the purple crayons."

    • Radiotherapy

      You can't "cure" stupid. There is no Bachmann Clinic for that.

  • Steverino247

    This man is as qualified to be President as the chimp used by American Tourister in their luggage commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2ZeIoLz8FE

    • An_Outhouse

      Cheetah died the other day, you insensitive clod.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    What does it say about Rick Perry that he makes Bush look like the "smart" Republican governor of Texas?

    • CapeClod

      It says that the bar had been set very low and that Perry mistook a high jumping competition for a limbo contest.

  • BarackMyWorld

    The only thing that really disturbs me about Perry forgetting what Lawrence v. Texas was that he missed a golden opportunity to have his own internal inconsistency (of both wanting smaller government and having government dictate private behavior) blow his mind, like Captain Kirk using a logical trap to destroy an alien computer.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

      Problem is, Rick Perry's too dumb for a logic bomb:

      GLaDOS: Hey Moron!
      Wheatley Rick Perry: Oh, Hello.
      GLaDOS: Alright, Paradox time.
      GLaDOS: [slowly and deliberately] This. Sentence. Is. FALSE.
      [to herself]
      GLaDOS: Don't think about it, don't think about it…
      Wheatley Rick Perry: Um… "TRUE" I'll go with true. There, that was easy. To be honest, I might have heard that one before
      GLaDOS: It's a paradox! There IS no answer.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Dood, this is the "Secede from the US" guy who's running for POTUS; the "States Rights" guy who's taking the State of Virginia to Federal court to FORCE them to put him on the ballot. I think he might already be seriously, uh, impaired in the whole irony/logic bomb end of things.

  • CapeClod

    I feel the need to point out that pleading stupidity is the only possible defence Rick Perry has on any subject.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    As usual, Wonkette and the MSM take the quote totally out of context. As Perry went on to say "How can anything that feels that good not be illegal?"

  • x111e7thst

    Clearly Perry's gay sex knowings need more Santorum.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Do you think he will even know when his campaign is over or what it was?, or will he return to the Governors mansion like a child returning from summer camp.

    • Loaded_Pants

      It wouldn't surprise me if he keeps campaigning for President until Feb. 2013.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      A petulant child, pissed off that the mean counselors didn't let him have his own way the every minute of the summer.

  • fartknocker

    It's really going to suck when Rick has to come back to Austin. We've really enjoyed not listening to his bravado and bullshit.

    • memzilla

      If he really believed in what he was saying, he would voluntarily give back the state salary he took while he was campaigning for Fedrul Preznit and not attending to state bidness.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Thanks though, he's really filled the "completely incompetent" void left by Herman Cain.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    For purely scientific reasons, I'd like to see the result of cross breeding Bachmann with Perry. Then again, I tend to slow down and stare at car crashes.

    • http://drpaul2012.wordpress.com Donner, Party of 1

      Santorum would be the result of breeding Rick Perry and Marcus Bachmann.

    • AlterNewt

      "For purely scientific reasons…"

      There really couldn't be any other reason.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      No need. I'll just call that guy I know in the traveling freak show and find out.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Perry is a medical case study in understanding anatomy and physiology, for he demonstrates every day the noise that an asshole makes when it is disconnected from a brain. That short video is Exhibit One. There are thousands of Exhibit Ones.

  • MissTaken

    Perry: "Wait a darn tootin second! You sayin that it's LEGAL for a man to put his manhood inside the buttocks of another man? But the best part of puttin it in the butt was knowin it was so wrong. Oh so wrong. And here I thought I was getting away wif somethin all along, oh yeah. Legal? Now where's the fun in that?"

  • GOPCrusher

    Is it just me, or does the current crop of Republiklan poo-flingers seem extra ragey this election cycle when questioned about their hypocritical stands on social issues or failure to grasp the basics of the Constitution?

    • MzNicky

      a/k/a "gotcha" questions.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Palin gave them the idea that they didn't have to answer questions; they could get votes with a really good pageant strut.

  • AlterNewt

    And now, it seems, we will need some sort of sliding scale, indicating GRADATIONS of stupid.

    • Tundra Grifter

      AN:

      What we got right through here is Code ORANGE!

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Perry done slud right off the enda that scale.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Had you in mind something like the Richter scale, that measures how much energy (stupid) was actually released, or the Mercalli scale, that quantifies what it felt like on the receiving end (perceived energy, or apparent stupidity). For instance, anything that issues from the goppy lower primates is, of course, an Amdaman Quake on the actual stupidity released, but to the old white anger bears of the right is just a heavy truck passing two blocks away on the Mercalli perceived cretinosity scale…

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Teh stoopid level is at high alert with this one.

  • mavenmaven

    Going through Perry's mind: Darn, we legalized it? It was so much more EXCITING when it was illegal!

    • DahBoner

      According to one source, bestiality is legal to some extent in Texas…

  • Come here a minute

    I am not taking the bar exam, and I have never been to the gay bar that people say they have seen me in. NEXT QUESTION PLEASE.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Good Lord! Can you imagine the feeling having this joker deciding your plea for clemency?

    I'd rather have a seven-year old flip a coin.

    • http://drpaul2012.wordpress.com Donner, Party of 1

      You want Bachmann then. She has three seven-year olds.

      • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

        And plenty of coin from a variety of soshalist federal programs.

        • Tundra Grifter

          And she always appears about ready to flip. Out.

          • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

            Turning coin tricks. What we've been reduced to.

  • smashedinhat

    He always leaves me feeling like I've just eaten a dirt sandwich.

  • DemonicRage

    The lamestream media and its "gotcha" questions has me so riled up. Why can't we put them on a big airbus and ship them to Syria, to stand in between the protestors and the gun toting thugs of the dictator in power there? Never was there a man more ready to be President. He will simply sell all the big offices and give the gomment contracts to all his biggest contributors/ supporters, like he did in Texas. We won't have gridlock any more, because everyone in power will be on a well-greased payroll.

  • Rotundo_

    Hell, intelligent candidates(or the republican equivalent of it these days) can't explain that sort of thing, why would any rational human expect someone as intellectually hobbled as Perry to have some sort of nicely prepackaged, plausible defense for it? The man can barely make it through a canned speech without fucking it up, let alone answer questions on the fly. George Bush is brilliant by comparison, and he damn near died choking on a fucking pretzel. Rick would have to devote the rest of his life to study to get to that exalted height of intellectual processing.

  • littlebigdaddy

    In fairness, I think he panicked because he thought the questioner was maybe going to trot out the video from the backroom of Oilcan Harry's from New Year's Eve 2009.

  • Schmegeg

    He is no expert as he is always catching, and can't see a thing.

    • Tundra Grifter

      S;

      I guess the view never changes when you're always face down in the pillow, huh?

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        It's not gay if you can't see the other dude!

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    See, I'm not a lawyer either, or even a simple country Hyper-Chicken, so I don't remember every court case ever either, but I sure as hell remember the times that it's my ass that's been sued.

    • Negropolis

      Futurama reference FTW.

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

        I just referenced, in three consecutive posts, Portal 2, Futurama, and, obliquely, Roman History.

        Aw yeah, I'm a colossal nerd.

        • Negropolis

          That makes me an equally colossal one for remembering. You do not want to watch the Simpsons or Family Guy with me. I repeat the jokes while or before they tell them on the show. lol

  • An_Outhouse

    tinker's heck! More gotcha questions from the lamestream town hall questioners. Perry/Palin for 2012 Porn awards!

  • littlebigdaddy

    I hear he wins the bareback competition every year at the Texas State Fair after-hours party.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I'm a bit tired of the "Perry-is-gay" jokes. At this point, I prefer to think that Perry was having sex with men but was too stupid to realize that it wasn't manly-man sex that involved a woman.

  • rocktonsam

    "oligarchs"

    slow down there Hemmingway

  • Antispandex

    "His response is a bewildered stare off into space as he repeats a few words…"

    Trying to steal Sarah Palin's style isn't going to help…probably….maybe. Crap, he could be onto something here.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Oh, but 9 oligarchs are just fine when they give a greedy, unprincipled, warmongering, slow witted Texas governor the presidency, right?

    What a maroon.

  • Walkinwiddaking

    "…and if you look hard you can almost see the thought bubble forming over the top of his head reading, “Shit, gay sex is legal now?”

    Second thought bubble, "Hot Dam! "

  • DahBoner

    Rick Perry pleads Stupidity…

    Ah, the old "George W. Bush" defense…

  • Indiepalin

    Little Ricky fared no better when asked to summarize the case of Lawrence v. Arabia.

  • upthruster

    It's been said over and over, but like all texans it takes a few times..

    Even George W. Bush thought this man was stupid.

    • ttommyunger

      And for once, he was right.

  • Trinket

    My God. He's a babbling, blithering idiot.

    I wish Molly Ivins were here to see this.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Zombie Molly Ivins responds: "Didn't I already warn y'all about this sorta stupid shit ?!"

  • ttommyunger

    Cutting spending? My God what an insightful mind. A thinker, who knew? And pushing the envelope, too. What a risky stance. That does it, I'm a Perry Man!

  • http://www.wonkette.com Salacious Crumb

    He's just confused about what putting in a new lawn has to do with ghey sex.

  • Negropolis

    "I don't dislike goverment, I just want government that works."

    That's a damned lie. More than even many other campaigns, his has been based on the blind hate of modern civilization and organization. I don't even care about the rest of what he said; he's a damned liar. He's as dihonest as he is stupid.

  • Negropolis

    Come on, you guys. Bein' an unapologetic bigot is hard, y'all.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    If you really want to blow his mind, mention that the incident that led to the case involved an interracial gay couple. I'm still convinced that was the reason Strom Thurmond died the day after SCOTUS handed down its decision.

  • Bonghits4Jesus

    Symptomatic of GOP Theocratic Party-think: Don't need no fuckin' laws, just the fuckin' Bai-bull!

  • schvitzatura

    Barebacked by $15T? Size queen much, Rick?

  • Buckminster

    Too stupid, do not like. No wonder Texas was burning up.

  • Loaded_Pants

    "Who said robes are dresses?" asks the Pope.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    … and an Oath Keepers DVD called Tranny Hunter.