politics just got a little dirtier

Iowa Weather Advisory: Beware Rising Wave of Santorum

Ha ha this got past Blingee's 'no offensive content' filter, somehow!

Uh-oh, guys, get your haz-mat suits out from the bottom of the survival kit: we are noticing a rapidly growing flood of “Santorum surging” stories out there right now, GAH. Rick Santorum has shot into third place in Iowa in the latest NBC-Marist poll, which means that every last weepy Republican homophobe who has actively campaigned in the state this election season has finally gotten a turn at some top-tier attention before the caucuses, hooray. Sadly, he will probably never make it to the actual top of the trash heap and we will therefore be denied all the terrifying “SANTORUM BUBBLE BURSTS” headlines of doom. Which of Rick Santorum’s ridiculous policy ideas are finally endearing him to bigoted voters?

Oh look, it must be his plan to fix poverty, via HuffPo:

“Do you know if you do two things in your life — if you do two things in your life, you’re guaranteed never to be in poverty in this country? What two things, that if you do, will guarantee that you will not be in poverty in America?” he asked the crowd.

“Number one, graduate from high school. Number two, get married. Before you have children,” he said. “If you do those two things, you will be successful economically. What does that mean to a society if everybody did that? What that would mean is that poverty would be no more. If you want to have a strong economy, there are two basic things we can do.”

This magic formula only applies if you are straight married, of course. Gay marriage makes you poor. So does being a minority, often, and also maybe just the fact that there are four job applicants for every job opening in America right now. Eh, details. [HuffPo/ WaPo]

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  • Dashboard Buddha

    You know how else you can avoid poverty? Be born into a prosperous family, get all of the breaks and perks that a white man born in the 20th Century can get, and then make more money from speaking engagements after losing the nomination.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Or get elected as a lowly crazy Senator, makee crazy on the women and the ghey, suck up to lobbyists and Faux then ride the flowing wave of prosperity it brings.

    • CapeClod

      Also, round up a couple dozen foster kids, get a stipend for each from the government and marry a man who runs a highly suspious business operation that gives him access to gay men.

    • MrFizzy

      You left out getting an MBA, having daddy hook you up with a Wall Street job, then spending 20 years plundering companies, while making hundreds of millions of dollars yourself.

      • SorosBot

        Or getting an MBA, going AWOL from the Texas National Guard, spending over twenty years on a cocaine and alcohol binge while failing in the oil business, using your President daddy's connections to buy a baseball team then coast into the governor's office, accomplish nothing while in office, then cheat your way into the White House with help from daddy's Supreme Court appointees.

        • An_Outhouse

          That sounds like the sweetest scenario of all, except the presidenting part. That sounds like hard work.

          • GhostBuggy

            Naw, you just leave that stuff to that old guy Pa and his pals used to hang out with. He'll run shit, you just fly the fighters and show reporters your swing.

          • Bonzos_Bed_Time

            And remember, have afternoon meetings so the old guy gets tired and ends them early.

          • UW8316154

            That's why the presidenting part was handed off to Cheney.

        • Ramon X

          Whew! Thank Goddess that could never actually happen. Not here. Sounds like a comic book or something.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      MC, CC, and MF – so, to summarize, one can avoid poverty by being a complete douchebag.

      • tessiee

        EENNNNNTTTT!!
        Sorry, but that is IN-correct!
        One can avoid poverty by being a complete douchebag FROM A RICH AND POWERFUL FAMILY.

        • Dashboard Buddha

          We should get a judgment. My boss isn't from a rich and powerful family, he doesn't live in poverty…but he is a douchebag.

          • tessiee

            I know lots of complete douchebags, many of whom live in poverty — but then, having grown up in New Jersey, my statistical sample is probably not representative of other states.

          • Dashboard Buddha

            my boss is from Long Island – does that count?

          • tessiee

            Only up to eleven — and even then, he has to be pantsless.

    • ProgressiveInga

      Or, sell mountains and mountains of cocaine and kill lots of people and do violence to their families and pay off cops and bang lots of skinny womens and say ha-lo to my leetle frenn…….But you prolly live longer being born into a rich white family…..

    • Radiotherapy

      Being a hick from Arkansas who figured out that dumb Americans think buying crap from China at a few cents cheaper is a good idea.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      My plan to keep out of poverty has a lot to do with scratch-offs and picking the right six numbers.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Funny you should mention that. I found a ticket on my desk this morning from 3/11. They're good for a year so I thought better late than never.

        I won $5. I'm pretty happy with this.

        • ProgressiveInga

          Winner winner Taco Bell dinner!

      • GOPCrusher

        My friends call me Pop-Bottle Pete.

    • rocktonsam

      come on you guys, make fun of Mittens also

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    A rising Santorum tide lifts all shit puns.

    • Bonghits4Jesus

      Please double bag those gross-eries!

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Btw…that sign never fails to get a chuckle.

    • tessiee

      Whereas that picture of Frothy and his family never fails to creep everyone out.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        The one with the daughter that looks like a Mrs. Beezley doll?

        • GOPCrusher

          And the son that waits for He Who Walks Behind The Corn.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Salacious Crumb

      Is it just me or are his fingers kinda shiny/greasy looking?

  • DaRooster

    Sorry but I won't believe an NBC Marxist Poll…

    • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

      I usually ignore the Narcissist Poll (Rasmussen's).

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        But Rasmussen follows the proven formula of "What numbers do I need to produce to get my polls highlighted on FOX News."

    • GOPCrusher

      I only accept numbers from Frank Luntz

      • tessiee

        Frank Grimes will be crestfallen to discover this.

  • memzilla

    I wonder at the scenes in the newsrooms, and the emails between the media cognoscenti, where they spitball the various possible headlines about the "Santorum Surge," and how many man-hours are consumed in having teh hearty lulz.

    I'd love to see the policy memos which have circulated, stating that they can only allow X% of "Santorum Surge" headlines and ledes to be double-entendres. And who's enforcing these quotas, and how can they possibly do it without going through several spit-coffee-ed keyboards a week?

    I mean, come on, how many words in the English language don't sound hilarious when modifying "Santorum?"

    [And yes, I see what I did there.]

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      The scene in 99% of newsrooms nowadays mostly shows 24-year-old social media "specialists" struggling to make subjects and verbs agree.

      • V572 the Merciless

        Between you and I, that's a surging problem, even for those with degrees in "mass communication." Well, especially for them.

        • NellCote71

          Between "you and I?"

          • V572 the Merciless

            Supposably, a lot of writer’s make that misteak.

          • NellCote71

            "Writer's?"

          • beavertank

            Misteaks are delicious. I like mine with a nice dry red whine.

          • V572 the Merciless

            Ha!

      • riverside68

        verbs? I don neeed no skinkin verbs!

        I spit on yor verbs!

        • An_Outhouse

          When I was your age, we only had nouns, and half of those were plurals. On a special occasion they could be modified with an adjective.

          • UW8316154

            You had adjectives! Lucky!

            Back in my day, only adverbs were available.

          • user-of-owls

            Spoiled bastards. We had to walk 43 miles, uphill, over broken glass and through minefields to our jobs in the toxic waste mines at 3am on Christmas when we were 4 years old just to look at a gerund!

            Fucking pansies with your plurals and your adjectives and your adverbs and your la-di-da. Hrmph.

            Angrily shouting at you, get offa my damn dangling participles!

          • GOPCrusher

            Ah, the Good Olde Days.

      • memzilla

        You're undoubtedly right. I used to work at a teevee station and still have a romantic "All The President's Men" aura about the process, obviously old and outdated, like I am.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Ditto. Walking through the newsroom in the hours before the 5 o'clock broadcast was just like being on a movie set. During the broadcast, you could get yourself on teevee by having an errand that happened to take you past the reporter doing a newsroom stand-up, which was always done in the same place, strategically located to show the newsroom as a buzzing hive of news-gathering activity.

  • AlterNewt

    "Number one, graduate from high school. Number two, get married."

    Number three, become a whore for investment bankers and oil companies. QED.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Seriously, only a guy as fucking dumb as Santorum can take something that is basically good advice and make it sound incredibly stupid.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      If you do number two right, you can dispense with number 3 entirely.

      • AlterNewt

        Yes. For THAT matter, you could probably skip number 1 as well.

  • pinkocommi

    "Beware Rising Santorum"
    It is a good thing Dan Savage came up with the definition for santorum, because "Beware Rising frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex" is not a catchy headline.

    • tessiee

      However, "Santorum surges from behind in Iowa" (actual headline from Philly.com, I swear to Jebusl!) is very catchy… or very pitchy…

      • Callyson

        Whoever wrote that headline is a poet. God help us, if Santorum does turn out to have legs, I hope that reporter covers his race.

      • Ramon X

        …very gaggy.

    • Biff

      "Beware Rising Santorum" fits better on the bumper sticker, too.

    • hagajim

      How 'bout "Santorum Gets Juice"

  • Barb

    Show us your long form marriage license, please.

  • DaRooster

    Hey guess what everyone… Santorum is a moran… Ultra stupid!

    • GOPCrusher

      * SPOILER ALERT! *

      • Loaded_Pants

        Seriously, I don't think he says these things just to get votes. Like: "I'll say some stupid shit & these idiots will lap it up & think I'm serious." I really do think he believes what comes out of his mouth.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    TAGGED: POLITICS JUST GOT A LITTLE DIRTIER

    Ricky's sign as indicated here – – together with 'surge' reports indicated elsewhere – -convinces me some smear tactics do yield suprising quality results.

    • hagajim

      You can always wipe the Santorum smear with the teepee.

      • tessiee

        Teepee for your bunghole?

  • SorosBot

    But what if there's no one willing to marry me, Ricky?

    • EatsBabyDingos

      Well, we do have these nice parting gifts for the losing contestants. Poverty, a bored penis, and clips of Ronald Reagan calling Nancy "Mommy."

    • Barb

      What the hell is wrong with you, Soros? Did you have to do this in public like that? You know how shy and reserved I am. Yes, I will marry you. All is right with the world.

      • V572 the Merciless

        B-but you've already promised to marry me! This is the kind of danger Santorum was warning us about!

        • SorosBot

          It's polyandry, and it's all the fault of allowing same-sex marriage!

          • V572 the Merciless

            "C'mere, Lassie…I want to show you something." It could happen!

        • Barb

          I'm in love with you, V. People in love have no business being married.

          • Lionel[redacted]Esq

            But I don't really love Boris. I mean,
            I love him, but I'm not in love with him
            Oh, wheat! Lots of wheat! Fields of wheat.
            A tremendous amount of wheat!
            And yet, he loves me.
            And he would make a devoted husband.
            Not too exciting, but devoted. We'd have
            a family. Maybe we could rent one.
            I could learn to love him.
            Me, Boris and six rented children.
            Or would I feel trapped?
            Suffocated? Can't breathe?
            Open a window!
            No, not that one! The one in the bathroom.
            Yellow wheat. Red wheat.
            Wheat with feathers. Cream of wheat.
            Poor boy, duelling with Anton Lebedokov.
            By tomorrow, my beloved cousin
            Boris will look like a Swiss cheese.
            Promise him anything,
            make him happy for a night.
            Oh! Or would I feel trapped?
            Suffocated? My youth gone?
            Living with a Swiss cheese
            and rented children

            Of course I'll marry you, Boris.
            It would be an honour for me.

      • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

        Ken can perform the service! Kirsten can live blog! You can text "I do" on your iPhones.

        • Barb

          The reception could be at the Casa Kielbasa and I can go all "Vegas showgirl" with my frock.

          • jus_wonderin

            Can I, and my friends, Bruce and Paul, do our Supreme's tribute show at sometime during the reception???

            "Stop. In the name…of love. Before you break my heart. Think it ooo…ooo…ver."

      • SorosBot

        We can have the wedding at sea to get around that whole bigamy thing.

        • V572 the Merciless

          Or in Iowa — gay marriage is legal there!

        • UW8316154

          What about a spiritual marriage, in Utah?

    • tessiee

      But… but…
      I thought we were all already gay married on the innertoobs! That's how it works! I had a dress and flowers and those little mini-quiches and everything all ready to go!
      *depressed*
      *munches sadly on a piece of wedding cake*

      • Barb

        Oh my, Tessiee. I am going to dump everyone for YOU. I always go where the festive butter baked goods are.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Today, we are all Barb's spouse.

      • GOPCrusher

        You had me at "mini-quiches".

        • tessiee

          Yay!
          *smooches everyone*
          *does Happy Dance*
          *passes trays of mini-quiches and umbrella drinks*

    • user-of-owls

      Then and only then is it ok to marry a dog. But remember, no cat on earth would marry you. They have self-respect.

    • CapeClod

      And we can get Sinead O'Conner to sing at the reception. No. Wait a minute. Never mind. Bad idea.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Anal Sex Juice has finally hit on the secret to Iowa: Speak as though addressing an audience of third-graders.

    • prommie

      Oh, pshaw, he ALWAYS speaks like he is talking to third graders, because thats his level. The secret to Iowa is to run against a Mormon.

      • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

        He benefits, too, from being much more visceral in his hatred for gays and women. After all, Newt clearly loves women. One L loses on both counts. Even Iowans know a closet case when they see one in Perry. And Paul? Well, no one can imagine him having sex with anything.

  • slithytoves

    Because there are no married poors with high school degrees. Somebody go get the last census report.

  • forgracie

    Let it flow
    Let it flow
    Let it flow….

  • chicken_thief

    But don't marry just any fucking body.

    ~ A bi-partisan New Year's tip from John Kerry and John McCain

    • UW8316154

      ..and if you can't do that, at least make sure she is young enough and pretty enough to be married to a president.

  • CapeClod

    High School Diploma
    +
    Marriage
    +
    ?
    =
    Profit!

    • memzilla

      ? =

      Beer Heiress
      ____________ x Grift

      Tiffany Account

    • tessiee

      "High School Diploma
      +
      Marriage
      +
      ?
      =
      Profit! "

      *arms self with pencil and calculator*
      *thinks*
      Hmmm… profit… So if I solve for "?"… and minus the wallaby…
      *raises hand hesitantly*
      Um… Where "?" equals "be born into rich family"?

      • CapeClod

        Excellent, Tessiee. Stay after the class and I'll have another assignment for you.

        • tessiee

          *proud*

  • EatsBabyDingos

    What kind of rum will I not drink on New Year's? Santo Rum. It tastes like santorump roast, which is mostly stewed gerbils and blood sausage.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      Oh, that's just ick-tastic!

    • V572 the Merciless

      Mmm…Blütwurst….makes head cheese (Kopfkäse) seem appetizing. Must be something in the umlauts.

  • freakishlywrong

    Republicans DO realize that their "base" is made up of poor, married people as well, right? They may have graduated from high school, but they're ignorant by choice.

    • TheGyrus

      Married poor Republicans know they are only poor because of illegal immigrants and gays and illegal gay immigrants.

      • chicken_thief

        And Barack Obama.

    • Rotundo_

      Ignorant not merely by choice, but by determined and steady struggle to ignore reality all around them. It also isn't your garden variety of ignorance either, it has been lovingly crafted by Murdoch and Ailes and a whole bunch of people with a vested interest in spreading ignorance far and wide and deep in the american conservative body politic.

    • UW8316154

      To be fair, a portion of the base also includes poor, unmarried people – but they don't count if they had a kid out of wedlock, because that makes a welfare queen. Unless you're Brisket, in which case you are sort of like a Virgin Mary with wine coolers.

    • GOPCrusher

      Can you really be considered "poor" if you have skirts on your double-wide?

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      They seem to have a corner on the genetically dull as well.

      • tessiee

        Two hundred years of repeated inbreeding hasn't done any favors for the collective IQ of the gene pool, either.

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          Go with what (who) you know!

  • MrFizzy

    IMO Dan Savage getting the alternative definition of 'Santorum' to the point where it will never be eliminated (so to speak) has got to be one of the greatest achievements of the millennium so far.

    • chicken_thief

      Dan Savage is the Ronald Reagan and Thomas Jefferson rolled into one of the left. I'm not even gay but admit to a mancrush on him. IWANNAHAVEYERBABIES, DAN!!!

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

        Speaking of which, I completely love that he's actively campaigning for Sully's Super-Special Biggest Liberal Poopiehead of the Year Medal, for a thing Dan Savage said that was a)totally true and b) probably wouldn't have gotten nominated, if it were about religious conservatives' identical views on gay men and HIV.

        Honestly, demonstrating that you're way more popular than Sully by bigfooting his web traffic is the best revenge.

  • cheetojeebus

    Dude's a dude douche.

  • mavenmaven

    So what's Santorum's excuse for being such an utter failure?

    • tessiee

      "They can't deal with me, Man, because I'm too REAL!"

      Oh, no, wait. That's Wayne Lee Ray's excuse for being such an utter failure, although personally, I think some of the blame has to go to his mullet.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    "Santorum Coming From Behind!"
    ~

    • hagajim

      or is it "Santorum Leaking from Behind"

  • finallyhappy

    Really that is the solution- damn, my kids went to college and haven't married yet- and are not doing so well financially. So can they give back their degrees and marry some high school grad and then they will get good jobs?

    are there that many stupid people in Iowa who would believe anything this guy says or are there enough people jerking around(haha) the pollsters by saying they would vote for Santorum. I need to wait until after the election and then wear some of my large collection(sure to increase) of Obama and Obama family buttons on my trip to Davenport.

  • prommie

    Man the Christ-tards hate Mormonian Romney. They just refuse to do as they are told and vote for him. They have tried almost all the rest, Bachman, Doctor Congressman Paul, Shitkicker Shit-fer-brains Perry, and Bloated Tiffany-Grifter Gingrich, and even after concluding they just can't stomach those turds, they hate the Mormonian so much, now they are flirting with the Crazed Fetus-Fetishist. The swing voters in the GOP primaries are the "Anyone But A Mormon" voters.

    • SorosBot

      Hell, they were even willing to flirt with the black guy for a bit over Romney.

      • prommie

        Speaks volumes, don't it?

    • V572 the Merciless

      Believing that your Jeebus is the only Jeebus, and that your worship rituals are the only correct way to worship, and that your insane mythology is the only correct insane mythology, can lead to severe cognitive dissonance. So sad. Hahahahahaha….

      • prommie

        "our bog is dood, our bog is dood, they lisped in accents mild."

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          Our Cheezwizbus is better than yer cheezwizbus. Moar filling, too, also.

          • tessiee

            But not as filling as FSM, amirite?

          • V572 the Merciless

            We all bow down before Him/Her/It. FSM is Lord!

        • SayItWithWookies

          In the immortal words of Rev. Spooner, "Our Lord is a shoving leopard."

          • V572 the Merciless

            Was that the original (whatever that may mean) spoonerism?

            Most of the quotations attributed to Spooner are apocryphal; The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations (3rd edition, 1979) lists only one substantiated spoonerism: "The weight of rages will press hard upon the employer" (instead of "rate of wages"). Spooner claimed that "The Kinquering Congs Their Titles Take" (in reference to a hymn) was his sole spoonerism. Most spoonerisms were probably never uttered by William Spooner himself, but rather made up by colleagues and students as a pastime.

          • SayItWithWookies

            Oh, bummer — according to Dictionary.com, it's unattributed, so probably not authentic. Nevertheless, it's still my favorite one.

      • tessiee

        Mythology???
        Why, how dare you??
        Only *everyone else's* myth is a myth! Our myth is THE TRUTH!!!!
        I mean, our myth is not a myth!
        I mean, I have to go beat up some heathens for Jeebus now.

        • V572 the Merciless

          It's all right if they're gay. And in fact, if you can beat them up, they're probably wimps, which is the same thing as gay. So, carry on!

    • GOPCrusher

      The Paultards are flooding the comments area of the Des Moines Register website, imploring the Iowa voters to do the right thing and vote for Dr. Ron, since it appears they believe he is the only candidate that can defeat the evil Kenyan Muslim Usurper and deliver America from the brink of economic disaster.
      Assholes.

    • NellCote71

      The only problem with this equation is that most fundies also hate Catholics, so why would they support the two Catholics in the race?

  • SorosBot

    I agree; The indeed.

    • OCcupied_Surf_Serf

      So, there I was, editing my comment to remove a too similar a pun as one above (I did not catch) and along comes George's little robot to freezeframe OC_S_S with its knickers showing….grumble grumble goddamn liberals and there laserbeam robots of humility…moan…bitch…

      • SorosBot

        Hey, when you see a mistake like that it's too tempting to avoid abusing the editing-disabling powers of the reply.

        • OCcupied_Surf_Serf

          Sitting in my hotel room in Shenzhen, Guangdong, China (going thru our company's proxy so I can post here) makes the last few words of your statement kind of chilling…

          • finallyhappy

            Shenzen- my daughter spent a semester about 20 minutes from there.

          • MissTaken

            I taught some oral in Guangzhou after college. I also taught English while I was there.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            I'm sure your students enjoyed them both.

          • memzilla

            If you were not using a proxy, your error message on ChinaNet would be:

            This user has been deleted by the comment.

      • jus_wonderin

        Bacon, you should have italized that.

        • Baconzgood

          FIXED!

  • GorzoTheMighty

    I am a college graduate, been married THREE TIMES and still live in poverty. I'm calling bullshit or else there is something I am not getting.

    • Barb

      I, too, have been married three times. My monogram is starting to look like an eye chart. I am not counting my engagement to Soro's though. I hope he gets me a big ole' engagement ring. Remember, anything over 3 carats is just a gaudy display of wealth.

    • chicken_thief

      Newt? I wouldn't call $1.6M from Fannie and Freddie "poverty"….

    • Grief_Lessons

      Were those marriages sequential or concurrent?

      • tessiee

        Or co-instantaneous, and such?

      • Barb

        No, I married at age 17, divorced at 20. Then I married at 25 and divorced again. Then I married my hot hot little biscuit 5 years ago when I was 44.

    • finallyhappy

      It is the college degree- he said "High school". All that higher education just causes problems.

      • GOPCrusher

        Yeah. You're an over-educated elitist.
        The world needs ditch diggers too.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Frothy wants to preserve the sanctity of your marriage(s) from the gheyz.

  • memzilla

    "Santorum Surges To Early Lead"

    "Santorum Loses Traction"

    "Santorum Lead Petering Out"

    "Santorum Caucus Reports Friction"

    "Santorum Dribbles To End"

    "Santorum Fights Challengers"

    "Santorum Trails Gingrich, Bachmann"

    "Santorum In Three-Way Race"

    "Santorum Makes Multiple Appearances"

    Geez, how do you write a headline about this guy that's not a double-entendre?

    • CapeClod

      Santorum hopes for a number two finish.

    • Baconzgood

      "Santorum is a Fucking Fuck Ass Hole Shit for Brains Fuck Head that Needs to be Hit in the Cock With…." Sorry what were we talking about.

    • not that Dewey

      January 4th headline: "Mopping up after Santorum"

    • SayItWithWookies

      Santorum blankets Iowa

      Santorum stiffens as temperature drops

      Everything's coming up Santorum

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      "Santorum Gushes On Tainted Bachmann Candidacy"

      "Santorum Leaks Iowa Strategy"

      "Santorum Pours On Eleventh-Hour Stretch"

      "Iowa Senator a Santorum Rainmaker"

      • Loaded_Pants

        "Santorum Fingered In Probe"

        • GOPCrusher

          Santorum Arrested in Male Prostitution Sting Operation"

    • tessiee

      "Geez, how do you write a headline about this guy that's not a double-entendre?"

      Santorum's Car Goes off Cliff and He and His Entire Family All Die Horribly

    • poncho_pilot

      "Santorum Defeats Truman"

      "Bachmann's Failure Opens Path For Santorum"

      "There's Always Room For Santorum"

      "Ron Paul Vs. Mecha-Santorum"

    • hagajim

      "Santorum Slip past Competition"

    • Ramon X

      Santorum left behind.
      Santorum cleans up.
      Projectile Santorum.

    • GOPCrusher

      "Santorum In A Hole"

      • hagajim

        "Santorum Out of Hole"

  • SayItWithWookies

    Santorum's frothy mix of marriage and high school diplomas is an excellent cure for everyone's economic woes. It's just too bad that shit-for-brains' educational policy is the elimination of high school — but then, the real mark of a civilized man is that he can hold two mutually exclusive idiotic plans in his pecan-sized brain at the same time.

    • GOPCrusher

      It's sheer genius. First he'll do away with the Department Of Education and public education. Then only people of financial means will be able to afford a high school education.
      The plan is brilliant in its simplicity!

  • V572 the Merciless

    Shouldn't it be a "Santorum spurt" or a "Santorum splooge"?

    • DaRooster

      "Santorum oozes from behind."

    • hagajim

      Maybe a "Santorum Squish" or "Santorum Squirts Up the Polls"

  • CapeClod

    By all means, vote for the losing loser. I can't wait to see him bring out the jugged fetus at the convention.

    • prommie

      Jugged fetus for VP!

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        If so, will Barry & Biden will be running on a No Fetus Can Beat Us meme?

    • 738838

      What about the jugged rabbit?

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    God, so many frothy headlines right now. Fuck you very much, Iowa.

  • x111e7thst

    Actually, being not poor makes you more likely to get married. But that kind of thinking has ghey written all over it.

  • smitallica

    I'm wondering how this guy feeds his seven children when he has no job.
    Certainly not because he's a whore. Couldn't be.

    • kissawookiee

      Putting up fetuses in Mason jars has its side benefits, I suppose.

      • jus_wonderin

        Dill or Sweet?

        • schvitzatura

          Cornichon?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    "Do you know if you do two things in your life — if you do two things in your life, you’re guaranteed _____insert specious goal for the gullible flock_______"

    Simple fools are simply fooled by simplistic tools.
    Like those "two things" in this life *guaranteed* to cinch your salvaytion in the Next?
    #1. Accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Personal Savior;
    #2. Send Check or Money Order here

  • meatlofer

    GO BACK TO THE SANATORIUM!

    • horsedreamer_1

      BREAK OFF YOUR BONE!

  • Baconzgood

    Stories about Santorum comming out the ass.

  • Baconzgood

    Tee-Hee

    "Cock-Us Santorum"

  • Blueb4sunrise
  • Baconzgood

    "Do you know if you do two things in your life — Number one, graduate from high school. Number two, get married. Before you have children…If you do those two things, you will be successful economically.”

    Yeah…If we still had Unions.

  • Steverino247

    He left out the part about also being a Chinese factory manager who's a member of the Communist Party.

  • Baconzgood

    A story about Santorum and I swear a stream of expletives wont explode out of my mouth…..Stay calm Baconz and count to ten slowly…..Think of your happy place….

    • OCcupied_Surf_Serf

      If thinking doesn't work, try rubbing your happy place…

    • kissawookiee

      Reading "Santorum," "stream," and "explode" in sequence puts me in my happy place almost every time. Thanks, Baconz!

  • Tundra Grifter

    Just wait until Ricky works his way throught the Midwestern Rust Belt and mets thousands of married folks in their 40's and 50's with high school diplomas, several kids, no jobs and no jobs prospects.

    There is a huge gap between the requisite skills in today's job market and the hundreds of thousands of unemployed factory workers – good, solid, upstanding blue collar folks who have a high school diploma and a couple of decades experience and little hope.

    Meanwhile, the better Santorum does the better for Mr. Obama. I love the right wing nutz' position that a bloody, no-holds-barred primary is good for the GNoPee. Their theory is all the dirty laundry will be out in public and the eventual candiate will be "innoculated" from the Democrats.

    That certainly explains why they endlessly repeat the lies about Mr. Obama – Rev. Wright, Bill Ayers, Tony Resko, birth certificate, socialism, Marxism, blah, blah, blah. The dirt didn't stick three years ago and it won't a year from now.

    The longer the Republican circus stays in town, the better for all of us. I might even send Ricky a few bucks just to help keep gas in his tank…

    • finallyhappy

      Alinsky- you left out Alinsky.

      • Tundra Grifter

        fh:

        Dang!

        Oh – and ObamaCare. How the heck could I have not included "ObamaCare!"

        Bank bailouts. Auto company bailouts. Failed stimulus (although that could have been one of Ole Newt's marriages).

        Foreign policy failures – appeasement and apologizing for America.

        Geez – the list does go on and on. And on…

    • tessiee

      "Just wait until Ricky works his way throught the Midwestern Rust Belt and mets thousands of married folks in their 40's and 50's with high school diplomas, several kids, no jobs and no jobs prospects. … hundreds of thousands of unemployed factory workers – good, solid, upstanding blue collar folks who have a high school diploma and a couple of decades experience and little hope."

      My prediction is that, with the arrogance of the guys who are born on third base and think they hit a triple, he'll assume that "blue collar" and/or "broke" = "stupid", and try to pin all the blame on illegal immigrants or some shit.

  • Goonemeritus

    "Beware Rising Wave of Santorum"

    And all you Libtards laughed at stockpiling duct tape and plastic sheeting well who is laughing now?

    • hagajim

      "Slip and Slide Santorum" – the Game!

  • real_dc_native

    Best headline for 2011: Santorum surges from behind in Iowa. Thanks Philly!

    Never let a Republican candidate stand behind you!

    • finallyhappy

      and that photo- Santorum popping out of an onion blossom- hmmmm??
      And yes, I was from Philly(long,long ago and far far away) so I'll take the thanks

    • Biff

      Also, never stand behind Santorum.

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    Ok, Mr. FrothyShitCum, I graduated from high school; I even had a college degree. I am a man married to a woman so kindly tell me why am I not awash with wealth?

    • hagajim

      Are you awash in Santorum?

    • GOPCrusher

      The question answers itself. He said high school, not college. Higher education is where you erred.

  • DaRooster

    Why are people deciding to listen (or at least pretending to) to this idiot all of a sudden? This guy is possibly the most fucked up one on their whole side. He hates so many different groups of Americans… all in the name of The Bible… yet he chooses what to live by from it… not like the whole thing.
    Drop dead and see what your Heaven has in store for you Santorum… it will not be good.

    • chascates

      And I'm tired of him wearing those sleeveless sweaters. I thought they disappeared in the 1970s.

      • Geminisunmars

        That does it!!! There was a chance that I would support him until this revelation.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      The Christian "Right" (i.e. US Taliban) is clinging to him like a used condom because they can't stomach: a Mormon, a Woman who is batshit crazy, a Libertarian loon, a stupid Texas politician (sorry for the redundancy), and a serial polygamist pompous ass. Clinging to Santorum is their only hope. How's that for hope? Santorum's "surge" is more like a dribble.

  • Golfing_OJ

    Fun Fact: We live right next to the HQ house where Fred Karger (gay Republican candidate for president) is camping out for the primaries. Fuckhead ASSTORUM's minions put a campaign sign RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET from Karger's place.
    Within 2 days it had fucking disappeared. I swear I had nothing to do with it. OK, I'm a total liar.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Simply the law of septic tanks at work: The larger ones in turn float to the top where they disintegrate

    • V572 the Merciless

      Rule 1 of civil engineering, as we all know, is that shit flows downhill. Not sure how that applies here and really don't want to think about it any more.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    May Iowa's evangelicals be baptized in the Santorum.

  • boobookitteh

    All these candidates want us to get opposite sex married, but is any one of them finding me a man? And don't pull that Nixononian secret plan to get me married crap. Fool me once, Republicans. Fool me once.

  • Guppy

    What if you get married while still in high school? Is that like winning the lottery?

    Besides, when he says "poor," he means "below the federal government's poverty standards, which I have helped keep unrealistically low."

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    There's no real reason for the scrolling party hat on that blingee to make me giggle helplessly. But here we are…

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    I love how he gets that so completely backwards that it's hard not to believe he's being deliberately shitbrained here:

    Low marriage rates and poverty are indeed linked: the leading cause of divorce is finances and being poor causes people to delay or avoid marriage, because getting married is typically expensive. Poverty drives low marriage rates, not vice versa, so if someone were actually interested in encouraging marriage, poverty-reduction would be a good place to start.

    Of course, if someone were actually interested in encouraging marriage, rather than legislating hate and transmuting poverty from an economic problem to a moral one, they'd also want to recognize gay marriage.

    This would normally be the part where I'd call Santorum some sort of ugly name, but Dan Savage has thankfully done all the heavy lifting here, and I can't come up with a better epithet to illustrate how terrible this guy is, than his own name, at this point.

    tl;dr version: LEARN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CORRELATION AND CAUSATION YOU SHIT-FOR-BRAINS ASSHOLE

    • tessiee

      "getting married is typically expensive"

      I'm not disputing your point… exactly… but I'm not sure how you arrived at it.

      While I would agree that *having a wedding* is expensive, and goodness knows having kids is a black hole for money, I'm not sure how getting married is expensive. It's a possible increase in income (it used to be two paychecks instead of one, but then the economy went in the shitter), and at least some decrease in cost of living.

      Assuming that the two married people share living quarters, at the very least, that's one rent, electric bill, water bill, etc., instead of two, without changing the amount of money coming in. Of course, the same would be true of two people shacking up without benefit of Jeebus, or two gay folks moving in together, or hell, even two roommates — but I have to think that two paychecks, or two unemployment checks, would go further maintaining one household than they would maintaining two.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Multiple fists in your direction my friend. (Each proffering a mug of rye ale)

    • Slim_Pickins

      A Republican who confuses cause and effect? Unprecedented.

  • ProgressiveInga

    I have a master's degree and am gay-married to a girl with a master's degree and we're doing great financially. We avoid santorum as much as possible. So, Little Ricky Poo-Poo, what am I guaranteed of……..besides your contempt?

    #heblowspooalot

    • Guppy

      Well, you can still squeeze in the atheism, but how are you two going to manage the mandatory abortion?

      • ProgressiveInga

        Recovering Catholic here and my wife and I have two children; one a social worker/musician and one in the Peace Corps, but they are both hetero and married. I once drove a college roommate to get an abortion b/c her boyfriend couldn't be bothered. And she stopped talking to me once I came out of the closet (we're talking the early '80s here). How many hell-points have I racked up? This is confusing!

        • Geminisunmars

          Send a donation to Planned Parenthood, quick. That'll bring you up to the necessary amount of hell-points.

          • ProgressiveInga

            Did that in 2011, but will do it again on Monday. Got my Liz Warren t-shirt earlier this week ("Best candidate money can't buy"). I'm en fuego, no?

          • Geminisunmars

            Chiquita, I heart you – and Liz. See you in hell.

          • ProgressiveInga

            ♥ ☯ ☮ ☭

  • chascates

    But he left out Jesus!

    • chicken_thief

      Why does Rick hate Jesus during this holiest of holiday seasons?!

    • GOPCrusher

      The Jesus was implied. No one that doesn't acknowledge Jesus, has money.

  • chascates

    It looks like it might be Romney, Paul or Santorum for second, followed by Gingrich, Bachmann, and Perry.

    DES MOINES, Iowa — "I can't do modern politics," Newt Gingrich told a Rotary Club breakfast early Friday morning at a country club near downtown.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      The only things he can "do" are spend money on his next wife and leave a shit trail in his wake. 'Bye, Newtie. Please let the door hit you on your way out.

    • Guppy

      Translation: he'll propose pistols at dawn, ala Hamilton and Burr.

      • yyyaz

        In my dreams.

    • V572 the Merciless

      The only regrettable thing is that Newt is not going to win the Repube nomination. Cuz if he did it would guaran-fucking-tee a win for Hopey, and maybe taking back the Hou$e and a filibuster-proof majority the $enate.

    • hagajim

      "Santorum Sneaks in Backdoor For Second"

  • dijetlo

    And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
    Slouches towards Des Moines to be born?

  • comrad_darkness

    Scary prescient — Rowan Atkinson doing an American accent
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfuN9HRDVZY&fe

  • chascates

    LA Times hede:
    As he surges in Iowa, Rick Santorum rips Ron Paul

    • hagajim

      I thought by its very nature Santorum would prevent ripping? Must need moar Santorum.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Give him some credit – he's an expert on the subject of "Number Two".

  • Slim_Pickins

    I'm sure Rick never wants this Fairy tale to end. Don't click your heels together, Rick!

  • fartknocker

    Given Rick's statement, I would enjoy the opportunity of kicking that man directly in his nut sack. I can wash the Santorum off with some Dawn dish soap and Clorox.

    What a piece of shit.

  • Radiotherapy

    If Obama can win a Nobel Prize for Peace, certainly this brilliant economic analysis is worthy of the Prize in Economics; especially when combined with "trickle-down."

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    There's always room at the table for dudes who want to put the ladies in jail for being all slutty.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Want to abolish poverty in America? Don't have any kids – just keep your money and spend it on fun stuff.

    If EVERYONE did this – stop having kids, we would abolish poverty in our nation forever.

  • lulzmonger

    Eccccch. A simpering bigot with that same "human mistake" face as Scott Walker or Dan Quayle – & the same unmerited arrogance to boot.

    Funny thing is, the Jeebus Brigade got screwed over pretty hard by Dubya & the RNC for a long long time (the Dover decision left them twisting in the wind over the practical joke at science's expense that is/was Intelligent Design, while they've actually done way better at clawing back basic reproductive rights with Obama as POTUS) & a sparkly-clean caterwauling fuckhead like Santorum makes a dandy delivery-system for some well-earned paybacks.

    Pretty sure even HE knows he's got jack minus shit odds of calling the White House home, but … oh fuck me … I'm also pretty sure the GOP is plenty crazytarded enough to put him up for VP.

    *ROMNEY/SANTORUM 2012 – Let It Flow, America!*

  • ttommyunger

    "“Number one, graduate from high school. Number two, get married…" Could this turd be any more out of touch with reality? And Mitt, who thinks PBS doesn't already have commercials, and Newt, who thinks there are a substantial number of Americans who don't realize he is a huge lying pant-load. Obama is indeed the luckiest motherfucker on the Planet, ever. I just can't see how any of these fuck-wads can win even with the vote stealing technology the Right possesses.

    • GOPCrusher

      President Obama needs to cut one campaign ad.
      Him holding a picture of Osama. He looks in the camera and says "See this? I got him." Fade to black.
      "I'm President Obama and I approve of this message."

      • ttommyunger

        That do stick in their craw, don't it? I fucking love it.

  • MissTaken

    I always get that not so fresh feeling when there's Santorum all over our Wonkett.

  • prommie

    OT, but I must officially announce that I am in love with Jessica Frech. That is all.

  • user-of-owls

    Let me get this straight, Rick. What you're saying is that you get married to get out of poverty which means you do it to make money and if you are married you have to have sex (at least once!) to 'make it official' and thus by the transitive powers vested in me I now pronounce that you have sex to make money. Am I missing something Rick?

    RICK SANTORUM: Home, Hearth & Ho's 2012!

    • sunmusing

      Maybe he is saying to pimp out the wifey……at say 20 bucks and hour. Rolling in the money and santorum.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The latest from NBC's First Read: "and 24% [of Republicans] say Santorum is unacceptable."

    Talk about anal retentive.

    • hagajim

      So that % of Republicans use no lube?

      • GOPCrusher

        Or 24% don't approve of anal?

        • Lionel[redacted]Esq

          24% say that. But you get enough Vodka in them…..

  • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com Hurricane Ali

    Oh. That sign…

  • owhatever

    So actually WINNING in Iowa means nothing? To hell with Mittens, I want Ron Paul and Rick Santorum carrying the Republican flag for the next month. Try to win the independent vote with that.

    • hagajim

      Flag might slip out of Santorum's hands…you know Santorum is kind of slick.

  • SorosBot

    At least half the people in my office took off today, there's pretty much nothing going on or actual work to do, and most internet sites are barely updating. Gah I'm bored; this week is always the dullest.

    • flamingpdog

      And we get one whole post at Wonkette, which provides only tired old lube jokes. Sorry about teh cranky, i don't really want to be at work, either. But maybe it we went creepy at the local level?

      • ProgressiveInga

        Buttsecks notwithstanding, it's been a weird year.

        Male republican boy-lover – *yawn*

        I miss Riley.

    • MissTaken

      That's why Baby Jeebus invented Wonkett and YouPorn. It's the reason for the season.

      • SorosBot

        You must have a much more open office than mine if they allow you to look at YouPorn there.

        • SorosBot

          But yay, we're closing at three, just fifteen minutes to go!

          • MissTaken

            Yippee!

  • Schmegeg

    This dude smoked way too much weed back at PSU.

    • V572 the Merciless

      Coulda been in one of those "leadership" programs in the locker room, too. You know, the ones where they soap up the shower room floor and slide around naked.'

  • Mahousu

    Santorum may be in third place now, but he won't stop until he's number two.

  • Bluestatelibel

    And remember to drink your Ovaltine! (And here is another tip: remember to invest heavily only when a Dem is president, because the economy always sucks under Repubs: http://nyti.ms/2YjCud)

  • DahBoner

    I blame Global Warming because if it was'nt so hot in here, you would not have to take off all your clothes…

  • DustBowlBlues

    Who–late on this one. Has anyone made a brown jumper with gian Peter Pan style collar yet?

    Yeah. I figured as much. That kid is just such so easy to make fun of.

  • Texpunk

    Oh Santorum !!!
    You are so close to being number two !!!!

    :ahem:

  • fitley

    What's the font on his sign Poopetica Bold.

  • Twinklesnot

    Off topic and tardy, but does anyone have a theory as to why Surge's children always look so morbidly unhappy? Five years after little Sarah's clutch-doll-and-cry pic in which her older sister Elizabeth looked morose/bored in the background, Elizabeth doesn't look one whit happier:
    http://news.yahoo.com/photos/republican-president