cults in the news

Virginia GOP Now Requiring Blood Oath, Firstborn To Vote In Primary

Oh right, like the Freemasons haven't been in charge all along.

Virginia’s Republican party leadership is a little bit nervous about this thing, “democracy,” that occasionally turns up results at odds with the agreed-upon election outcomes devised among their secret society of Ogre Kings, so this Super Tuesday they will be requiring voters to sign over their souls with a promise to support the eventual GOP nominee in the general election as a condition for being able to cast a ballot in the primary. Since the state has an open primary and Mitt Romney and Ron Paul were the only two candidates organized enough to qualify, we can think of this mostly as a STAY AWAY sign for the apocryphal hordes of librul anti-war, pot legalization-supporter hippies that Republicans fear will turn out to stoke mischief with a primary vote for Ron Paul. And yet, many voters are not exactly thrilled about this weird attempt at MIND CONTROL.

“To be fair” or whatever, voters were also Not Cool with a similar oath that the party tried to require in 2008, and it was eventually struck down amid wide revolt. Given that this was an enormous failure, uh, just try it again? SURE, seems like everyone is way more excited about it this time around.


[Virginia GOP delegate Bob] Marshall Thursday called on Virginia Republican leaders to ask state election officials to undo their approval of the loyalty oath, casting it as the wrong approach to protect the integrity of the primary.

“Loyalty oaths are detested by many good Republicans who solidly back our party’s principles and who have never voted for a Democrat in their lives,” the Prince William County Republican said in a statement.

Marshall also questioned the fiscal wisdom of “requiring Virginia election workers to enforce a Republican loyalty oath in a primary paid for by the general taxpayer.”

At the request of the Virginia GOP, the State Board of Election Wednesday approved a plan to present primary voters with a pledge affirming they will support the eventual GOP nominee as a condition of voting in the presidential nominating contest.

PSSST, they can’t actually make anyone prove they will follow the pledge, like all such annoying pledges. Maybe just a “no gun, no vote” sign out front would be more effective? [Richmond Times-Dispatch/]

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    1. Negligently_Joe

      You know who else said "no gun no vote" ?
      You know who else was afraid of Democrats spoiling his fun?
      You know who else solidly supports Republican party principles and never voted for a Democrat in their lives?
      You know who else would probably vote for Ron Paul in the Iowa Caucus?

      What did I win?

      1. Monsieur_Grumpe

        A heated kidney shaped pool, a microwave oven
        Don't watch the food cook
        A Dyna-Gym, I'll personally demonstrate it
        In the privacy of your own home
        A king size Titanic unsinkable
        Molly Brown water bed with polybendum

        A foolproof plan and an airtight alibi
        Real simulated Indian jewelry
        A Gucci shoetree, a year's supply of antibiotics
        A personally autographed picture of Randy Mantooth
        And Bob Dylan's new unlisted phone number
        A beautifully restored 3rd Reich swizzle stick
        Rosemary's baby
        A dream date in kneepads with Paul Williams

        A new Matador, a new mastodon, a Maverick
        A Mustang, a Montego, a Merc Montclair
        A Mark IV, a meteor, a Mercedes, an MG
        Or a Malibu, a Mort Moriarty, a Maserati
        A Mac truck, a Mazda, a new Monza, or a moped
        A Winnebago, hell, a herd of Winnebagos
        We're giving 'em away
        Or how about a McCulloch chainsaw

        A Las Vegas wedding, a Mexican divorce
        A solid gold Kama Sutra coffee pot
        Or a baby's arm holding an apple.

        1. ThundercatHo

          Did you know this by heart? (I saw these guys when they opened for Mott the Hoople many, many moons ago)

        2. tessiee

          "A classic deluxe, custom-designer, luxury, prestige, high-quality, premium, select, gourmet, pocket pencil sharpener. And, it’s yours for the asking. No purchase necessary. It’s our way of saying thank you. And, if you act now, we’ll include an extra-added brief complimentary bonus gift. A classic, deluxe custom designer luxury, prestige, high quality, premium, select, gourmet, combination key-ring, magnifying glass and garden hose, in a genuine, imitation, leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim. It’s yours for the asking, no purchase necessary. It’s our way of saying thank you." — George Carlin (who left us too soon)

      2. not that Dewey

        That's right, it filets, it chops, it dices, slices,
        Never stops, lasts a lifetime, mows your lawn
        And it mows your lawn and it picks up the kids from school
        It gets rid of unwanted facial hair, it gets rid of embarrassing age spots,
        It delivers a pizza, and it lengthens, and it strengthens
        And it finds that slipper that's been at large
        under the chaise lounge for several weeks
        And it plays a mean Rhythm Master,
        It makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar

    2. littlebigdaddy

      Dude, that's not how the game is played. You have to say "You know who *else* demanded a loyalty oath?"

  1. Bluestatelibel

    Wait, this signing over your soul to Satan when you vote Republican…I thought they all did that anyway?

    1. hagajim

      Nah. I used to vote for the worst Republican possible in every Idaho primary just to give the Dem a chance. Never worked though, because it's fucking Idaho!

  2. Tommmcattt

    "Ich schwöre bei Gott diesen heiligen Eid, daß ich dem Führer des Amerikkan Reiches und Volkes Mittens Romney, dem Oberbefehlshaber der Wehrmacht, unbedingten Gehorsam leisten und als tapferer Soldat bereit sein will, jederzeit für diesen Eid mein Leben einzusetzen."

    It's an oldie but a goodie.

      1. MosesInvests

        He was in fact known as Abu 'Ali to his Arab supporters. The chief of those was Haj Amin el-Husseini, the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem and acknowledged head of the Palestinian Arabs. Haj 'Amin spent much of the war at the Eagle's Nest, Hitler's home in the Bavarian Alps, except when he was trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to recruit Bosnian Muslims to fight for the Germans. He was wanted by the Yugoslav government after the war for war crimes. None of this should be taken to mean that I think Arabs/Muslims are Nazis, or that Israel shouldn't make peace with the Palestinians. Just a little historical perspective.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          The Muslims back then didn't know they were next in line right after Hitler took care of his "Jewish problem." Lucky for them the Final Solution ran out of gas at around 6 million and counting.

      1. thebeatgoeson

        I think it's "Gott in Mutterfickenden Himmel" to be precise. Although Google translates "motherfucking" as "Scheiß" – those Germans always have to get the shit in there somewhere…

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          I didn't bother to check the gender of Himmel, but Google or no Google, mutterfickenden would not be capitalized, because it is an adjective.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      If they required a birth certificate here in VA to vote, then I would be in trouble because:
      1) It was issued in Kentucky.
      2) My parents weren't related to each other.
      3) The doctor who delivered me was from India who had a 13-letter last name, which probably made him one of those Hindoos or maybe even a secret Mooslim.

        1. Loaded_Pants

          I see what you did there.
          Maybe my birth certificate was forged? Guess I can't run for President. Damn.

          1. WunkRocker

            "3) The doctor who delivered me was from India who had a 13-letter last name, which probably made him one of those Hindoos or maybe even a secret Mooslim."
            Meaning you aint even 'murican enuff to vote.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      I don't know if you are in VA, but this is what we often say in regards to the actions of VA conservatives.

          1. Negropolis

            I've lived in Michigan my whole life, but I swear we've been vying for the title of "Mississippi on the Lakes" since the midterm.

          2. poncho_pilot

            i lived in Texas which was bad. then i moved to Wisconsin which was not too shabby until a year ago. for fuck's sake.

          3. WunkRocker

            I feel u MosesInvests. Also from FL and have lived in NC since Reagan's 2nd Term. And Jesse Helms 900th. It really is like he never died.

      1. V572 the Merciless

        Here in CA, conservatards are so endangered you need to do an environmental impact report before every election.

          1. V572 the Merciless

            San Diego, to be exact. We think there might be some kind of government here, but no one’s really interested in it, so it’s run by bipartisan crooks.

          2. memzilla

            Besides its being a beautiful city, the only other thing I know about Sandy Eggo is that it has consistently held the US per-capita record for wrong telephone number dialings — not that a naval base full of drunken sailors on leave would have anything to do with that…

          3. V572 the Merciless

            You are correct. And we’re still in the ground, roads in ruins, schools and libraries closing, and struggling to find a way to gift the owners of the football team with half a billion dollars of tax money so they can have a cool stadium like the other guys.

          4. poncho_pilot

            i'm glad that's failed so far. "hey, let's put a stadium in the busy, crowded downtown area right next to the convention center where there really isn't any room."

  3. JustPixelz

    The Repubicans have thrown in the towel on "better ideas" as the path to victory. Now they're more like a guy who buys his date an expensive dinner and are all like "you at least owe me a handjob" afterward. In other words, they've become Newt Gingrich.

      1. tessiee

        Oh, no!
        I *knew* something was wrong!
        Niedermeyer was the marginally less attractive one (??) who used to yell, "YOU'RE ALL WORTHLESS AND WEAK!", and who later played a vampire on an entire season of "Buffy".
        Greg was Greg Marmalard; his best moment was when Dean Wormer said, "How about Niedermeyer, he's a sneaky little shit just like you are, isn't he?"

    1. tessiee

      "a guy who buys his date an expensive dinner and are all like "you at least owe me a handjob" afterward"

      More like, buys some CEO in the 1% an expensive dinner, sticks some minimum-wage schmendrick with the bill, and gets a handjob from his rentboy.

    1. user-of-owls

      There's a "then only frauds would be voting" joke in there somewhere, but, meh, I'm not gonna move away from the flat screen just to salt a path down the driveway to it.

    2. Negropolis

      Shorter Virginia: "We had to burn the village to save the village."

      Really, though, that was brilliant because it's so true with how their mind works.

    3. tessiee

      Don't give them any ideas — not that an idea in their tiny, empty heads wouldn't die of loneliness anyway.

  4. memzilla

    It's like watching a Klansman with a congenital heart defect about to run a 10K — part of you wants to warn him not to do it, but most of you wants to watch the inevitable collapse.

    Then part of you is ashamed for wanting to laugh, but you know you're not just going to laugh, but cheer and applaud when it happens.

  5. Loaded_Pants

    Jesus Christ eating crunchy critters! When even "Sideshow Bob" Marshall thinks it's a stupid idea, you know it's got to be a really stupid idea.

  6. OkieDokieDog

    If they were "real conservatives" they'd just save the taxpayers dollars by skipping the primary entirely, and just tell the Goopers who they're getting on the general election ballot (some white dude and that black commie socialist nazi guy).

    1. Loaded_Pants

      So you're thinking that there might be some white dude left on the GOP side come March 6? I'm amazed at your prognosticating abilities!

      1. tessiee

        "I'm amazed at your prognosticating abilities!"

        What the hell do you do, look in her windows with binoculars like a pervy ol' pervert??
        Oh, wait; you said "prognosticating".
        Carry on, then.

  7. weejee

    How about the flashlight test? The poll worker shines a flashlight into the left ear of the would be Rethug voter and if the light beam shines through and out their right ear they can vote. Even Schrodinger's cat has vacated Rethug cranial back alleys.

      1. tessiee

        This does have the positive quality of allowing us to fart on wingnuts. In fact, I'll bet if we tell them it'll cut taxes to the top 1%, or deregulate corporations, or do something bad to illegal immigrants, they'll let us fart on them repeatedly.

  8. Callyson

    Actually, this is no big deal. It all depends on what your definition of "support" is…
    For example, I can support the crushing defeat of whoever gets the GOP nomination this coming November. I also support that person's ineptitude leading to the loss of the House, and numerous GOP defeats in the Senate and in statehouses across the country. See, I support your nominee in numerous ways! 'Scusi, time to vote!

  9. user-of-owls

    First it was the Soccer Moms, then the Angry White Males. This year the prized demographic is the Fingers Crossed Behind My Back Dopers.

        1. not that Dewey

          I'm not sure I can play this game, not with concentration camps. There are some subjects that are just off-limits these days. I have to look after my sobiboriety.

  10. Guppy

    So they'd have to sign a pledge to support the Godless Mormon?

    Wouldn't that make half the VA GOP spontaneously combust?

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Yes, it would. The good thing is they would spontaneously combust. The downside is the clean-up from said combustion.

    1. Blueb4sunrise

      I won't even try to guess what the Gooper Leaders or rank and file are thinking, but that's a great way of framing it . As in "Is Obama Starting to Look Good to Republicans?" Hey, just asking!

      Between that and the Third Way thing, some are probably squirting a few blobs in their drawers.

  11. dadanarchist

    I have a better method: If they float, they're a homo-aborto-peacenik-vegan-lesbian-negrospanic-atheiomuslo-soshulism-fascist, and they can't vote. If they sink and drown, they're a GOoPer and they can vote.

    Also, too, this way we all win.

  12. edgydrifter

    Not to be outdone, Texas Republicans will require voters to prove their loyalty to the party by killing one white Democrat or two Mexicans of any affiliation before being allowed to cast a ballot in the open primary.

          1. poncho_pilot

            i'm like a little kid. it can't be helped. don't ever send me to the store to buy a cow. you will end up with magic beans in the end.

    1. arihaya

      "by killing one white Democrat "

      sadly in Tejas, this is an endangered species with its habitat confined to the city of Austin

  13. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But doesn't it have to be signed in the blood of a new born child to be binding?

    Or is that only deals with Dick Cheney?

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You all laugh now, but you won't laugh at the mass graves of Virginians next November when they won't support President Ron Paul.

  15. flamingpdog

    Anyone who wants to vote must sign a form at the polling place pledging to support the eventual Republican nominee for president.

    I thought the Civil Rights Act of 1964 did away with the Paul tax.

    1. yyyaz

      Oh yeah? Just exactly how are they "funny"? Do they make you laugh? Are they like clowns that you laugh at? Huh? Is that it? They make you wanna laugh at them? Come on! Tell me! You like to laugh at them? Is that what makes them "funny"?

    2. Negropolis

      Old fat black people are, too. Ever seen a Tyler Perry or Martin Lawrence cross-dressing flick? Actually, now that I think about that, I take that back.

  16. cheetojeebus

    So, My cousin Stanton, He's from Virginia, Just did a "Kardashian", yep, Dumped her on his honeymoon. Found out she was a virgin, " If'n her daddy don't want 'er, neither do I"

    Did ya hear about that talkin pig up in the hills? Newsman went up there to see it for hiself, Sure nuf, pig greeted him at the gate with a hearty "who the hell are you, Git now, less you want some trouble!" The farmer came up 'bout then. So, he asked him " Why does he only have three legs?" "Well, you don't expect us to eat him all at once! He can talk"

  17. Texan_Bulldog

    "Maybe just a “no gun, no vote” sign out front would be more effective?"

    If not, a "No shirt, no shoes, no service" sign should do the trick, too.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      That wouldn't work. It would disqualify half of the Republican voters in the state.

      Thank you! I'll be at the "Laugh-A-Lot-Hut" in the Short Pump area near Richmond. Try their shrimp! It's terrific!

    2. chicken_thief

      Or you could just put a "Push" sign over the "Pull" on the door and the dumb fucks would think it was locked and go home.

  18. chascates

    It seems all the Old South states really compete to be the biggest turd in the punch bowl. As a Texan I can point out we're always at the tip of that spear (although most will say 'God Bless Mississippi' for being first) but the competition is fierce. Alabama, West Virginia, Jeebus, the front-runners are always trying to be number one!

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Virginia is "almost" a northern state and that's why, imo, they always try a bit harder in the competition. And they always try SO hard.

      1. Negropolis

        That's how I've always seen it. There has been a Northern incursion into VA since they created DC, and VA feels the need to reassert its Southerness more than most because of the preceived threat to their Suth'uhn culture.

      1. chascates

        The 'Indian Territory' has had a lot less time as a state in order to work its mischief. Plus my own father and his side of the family came from around Sayre.
        My maternal grandmother (who died in the mid-1960s) remembered following a wagon as her parents moved to there from Arkansas (and this in the late 1890s?). At least in the strip you can live it up and drive to Liberal, Kansas!

    2. finallyhappy

      Ok, so the other day, at the museum, I am talking to someone about the Supreme Court ruling in 1967 to allow interracial marriage(the Loving Case). Some other related topics come up and then a big white guy comes up to me and says "you don't understand the South. And he was epecially offended that Alabama(his home state) was mentioned as being the last state to take the laws against interracial marriage off their books(in 2000). I'm sorry but it is a fact- so I can't help it if Alabama is offended.

      1. tessiee

        "I am talking to someone about the Supreme Court ruling in 1967 to allow interracial marriage(the Loving Case)."

        Didn't the wife of this couple (Loving vs. Virginia, iirc) just pass away recently?

        Also, the cracker who told you that you didn't "understand the South" had his nose bent out of shape because you dared to acknowledge the existence of racism, instead of accepting it as the way things are supposed to be. I used to live in the South. Southerners who tell non-Southerners that they "don't understand the South" are like married guys in pickup bars who say that their wives "don't understand them". In both cases, what the speaker is *really* objecting to is being understood only too well.

        1. finallyhappy

          Yes, Mildred Loving did die recently- 2008- her husband died much earlier- their car was hit by a drunk driver(I think). There was a documentary done recently on the case which I saw this summer. One of the speakers after the film was one of the two ACLU lawyers who took the case. I guess the lawyer didn't understand the South either- or he would have let things be.

          1. HistoriCat

            Who the hell wants to understand the South? I've lived in Texas for close to two decades now and I've decided that Lincoln's big mistake was that he was too nice to those fuckers. Maybe if there had been some more hangings back then we wouldn't have had to put up with a bunch of Southern bullshit ever since.

  19. ThundercatHo

    You go to vote with the candidate you have, not the candidate you want to have. Like it any better now GOP fuckers?

  20. Come here a minute

    Now every Virginia county Republican committee will compete to see which one can make the biggest stack of bibles to swear on.

  21. Rotundo_

    No problem, just donate one cent by credit card and the resultant cost for acceptance will be a net loss for the GOP of who knows how much in fees while you still can have the moral superiority of having been a supporter. Okay, raise the stakes to 50 cents or a buck, the net cost of processing is greater than the value of the donation unless it is in a bulk donation like the Salvation Army kettles or something similar. Just make sure it is an expensive to process, low value donation. Or better yet, volunteer and fuck up, as badly as possible and still hang on, but be expensive and cost them money and voters. Breathe heavily before starting the campaign schpiel and tell those nice folks you have COPD or allergies when they ask. Loyalty can have all sorts of consequences.

  22. WIDTAP

    Virginia GOP assigns all of their delegates as SuperDelegates assigned by political cronies in 3…2..1…

  23. MzNicky

    Wait, WHAT the Fucking HELL?? Are they going to install monitoring systems or whatever to make sure those who sign their Fascist "loyalty oaths" actually follow up, and if not, WHAT? GITMO? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE FUCKING PEOPLE???

  24. OneYieldRegular

    Republicans are requiring so many pledges that the lingering lemony scent doesn't even begin to compensate for the wood veneer having been completely stripped away to reveal the tacky particle board underneath.

  25. MilwaukeeKent

    You know a political party is on the losing side when they have to tie the process up in knots. Assuming the DOJ doesn't knock this out, good luck to the Virginia GOP enforcing this oath. Idiocy.

  26. Tundra Grifter

    Back in 2008, Boss "I wasn't wrong; I was misinformed" BlunderRush launched "Operation Chaos," that encouraged Republicans to cross over and vote in the Democratic primary for the perceived weaker candidate.

    Now the reactionaries think it's a bad idea? Kinda like making fun of Mr. Obama for not being Christian enough, but not really liking it when some people say Mittens isn't really a Christian.

    BlunderRush, of course, may not be the formal head of the GNoPee, but he sure thinks he is.

  27. ttommyunger

    What next. videocams in each voting booth? "Monitors" or "Minders" to check on future compliance? Coming soon to a voting precinct near you.

    1. chascates

      But they'll say they're not there for compliance, they're there for 'safety' and 'integrity of the voting process'.


    2. V572 the Merciless

      Look, we tried democracy and there were a lot of problems with it. So now we're doing this. Don't be such a fuddy-duddy…embrace the change!

      1. ttommyunger

        “It would be a lot easier if this was a Dictatorship, as long as I was the Dictator, heh, heh.” Guess who?

          1. tessiee

            "Anakin Skywalker?"

            I think that's for when someone asks, "You know who *else* was a whiny little bitch?".

          2. Negropolis

            The prequels weren't kind to the history of Darth Vader, were they? lol They took one of the most bad-ass villains in history and made him into an impulsive emo-kid by the third movie.

    3. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Is it too late to get the United Nations to send in observers?

      (Memo to U.N.: probably a good idea to not use the black helicopters.)

      1. ttommyunger

        What makes you think State would issue Visas? BTW, I love it when Obama/Hilary lecture other countries about civil rights, ankle deep in blood.

  28. Goonemeritus

    Hey Virgina I don't think doubling down is going to work this time. I say embrace your destiny as a Ron Paul State maybe he will give you all rides on the blimp.

  29. V572 the Merciless

    Loyalty oaths have a rich patina of Republican tradition. Back in the Red Scare days (approx 1848-1990), Repubes liked to demand that teachers, firemen, sewer workers, etc all swear their eternal fealty to US America and capitalism. So this is steeped in tradition. Sure, the secret ballot is something that has a tradition too, but it's more important to keep the pranksters from voting for Ron Paul. Republicans have principles, but they don't let those principles get in the way of doing what they want. So fuck it, words mean what Republicans want them to mean at the moment they are spoken.

    Well okay, principles that you abandon when they're inconvenient aren't really "principles" at all. The more accurate term would be "bumper stickers."

    1. tessiee

      "Republicans have principles, but they don't let those principles get in the way of doing what they want."

      Well, shit, it's not like they would have gotten this much power on merit or anything.

    2. prommie

      I throw up in my mouth, a lot, every fucking time I attend any fucking function that some fucktard has decided should open with the pledgeallegiance, I am a grown-ass man and I don't do that fucking kinder-fucking-garten shit.

  30. PuckStopsHere

    Sure it's a slight breach of etiquette, but why not go straight to the "triple dog dare 'ya" to vote Democratic in the General?

  31. tessiee

    "pot legalization-supporter hippies that Republicans fear will turn out to stoke mischief"

    Hehe, I see what you did there.

  32. tessiee

    You guys! You guys!
    This is totally off topic, but too good not to share in this week of post-xmas doldrums:

    So I'm going for my walk to get some nice fresh air and exercise, and the light post has one of those labels stuck to it that says HELLO MY NAME IS

    And someone has filled in, "Inigo Montoya, you killed my father. Prepare to die!"

      1. ThundercatHo

        I got my husband one of those shirts and he wore it to a party where we did not know many people. It was pretty funny when, after he introduced himself, people would look at his shirt and say, "Oh, that's not what your nametag says." Apparently, The Princess Bride was not very popular with this crowd,

    1. anniegetyerfun

      The Seattle International Film Festival recently sponsored a Princess Bride quote-along. Like Rocky Horror, but with fewer costumes.

      Also, this.

    2. ShaveTheWhales

      And while we're off topic, I propose a toast to Mandy Patinkin, a song-and-dance man who, within one year, was Inigo Montoya and an alien detective.

      1. finallyhappy

        I think that line was (maybe always is) the first thing Mandy said at the concert I saw him do a few years ago.

  33. Douché

    So, just to be clear. If I'm a republican and I love me some Mittens, but Bachman makes me heave in my throat, ugg, every time I say it, and that Psycho bitch gets the nomination, because I voted republican in the Primary, I HAVE to vote for Bachman, ugg, in the election??? You know who else fixed elections????

    1. Beowoof

      Saddam Hussien
      Moemar Qdaffy
      The Great Dictator
      Hosnei Murbar-ick
      Edie Amin Dada
      Charles "Chuck" Taylor
      Robert "Bob" Mugabe
      Franciso Franco (Harris)

      Not a complete list unless you consider it is with complete mispellings.

    1. SudsMcKenzie

      Good god, what kind of a wormhole have I opened? Chuck Norris, Peter North, … women?

      Save me Tim Tebow

  34. tessiee

    Given the kind of turds they elect and re-elect and re-re-elect, their strategy for the past 20 years or so seems to boil down to, "Gee, Captain, I sure hope we hit another iceberg".

  35. EatsBabyDingos

    As a resident of Arlington, I intend to vote in the Republicant primary. I will sign the loyalty oath using my fountain pen and a bottle of fresh santorum for ink. Really fresh santorum.

    1. Negropolis

      And, if you decided to take it off and go back to the polling station and show your ID, you get to vote twice!

    2. arihaya

      Hedley Lamarr : Qualifications?
      Bart with a white sheet disguise : Stampeding cattle.
      Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.
      Bart : Through the Vatican?
      Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinkyyyy. Sign here.

  36. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Since the only candidate who beats Obama in the polls is "generic Republican" (a.k.a. "none of the clowns currently on the ballot"), this sort of makes sense: get 'em to support "whoever the hell gets nominated" so they can avoid using the thought process.

    1. Negropolis

      But, but, Jesus commanded that you never swear on heaven, because it's where God resides, nor on earth, because it is his footstool, and to let your yes be yes and your no be no!

    1. Fukui_Jong-un

      Yeah, and don't we all know it.

      Whichever of these dancing demagogues gets the nom, every thinking person in the US gets bombarded with ads designed for mongs. That goes for conservatives and liberals.

      It just seems like the conservatives find it easy to shrug off, whilst liberals have a visceral fucking hatred of this pantomime jamboree bullshit when there are real issues to be addressed.

      1. yyyaz

        So true, but here is the corollary: "liberals' visceral fucking hatred " is what gets most of the wingtard base out of bed in the morning. If a solid infrastructure, unbiased news sources, clean air, a fair tax system, a functional government and universal healthcare make progressives, i.e., "libunatics" happy, take it to the bank that they will do whatever it takes to kill all of them. Whereas we libtards are motivated by ideals of fairness, justice and generally improving humankind's lot, they value subjugation of anyone or anything that obstructs their ability to amass capital. Political power is just a means to that end. They would willingly wreck the economy, destroy our credit rating or paralyze the government if they think it will help deny Obama a second term. The only issues that are going to matter between now and November are whether the economy continues to "improve," however nominally, and gas stays around $3.50/gal. or less. If these conditions are met, Obama wins handily. If not, we're all doubly fucked.

        — edited for style corrections —

        1. tessiee

          "If a solid infrastructure, unbiased news sources, clean air, a fair tax system, a functional government and universal healthcare make progressives, i.e., "libunatics" happy, take it to the bank that they will do whatever it takes to kill all of them."

          Have you seen the political cartoon where President Obama is hanging onto a cliff's edge by one hand, and holding a silhouette of the USA in the other hand, and an elephant is stepping on the hand that's holding onto the cliff's edge? It would be funny if it weren't a documentary.

  37. Negropolis

    Oh, Dear Virginia. While, once, you produced presidents, now, you only produce headaches. Once, the creator of Washington, Jefferson, and Lee, you've been reduced to shoveling out Cuccinelli, Allen, and Cantor.

    So close to American Jeebus, yet still so far from heaven.

    Honestly, though, what the hell is wrong with The Cooches eyes?

    1. El Pinche

      Wow…Michigan, make some history. It sounds like a solid movement. And maybe, if passed, this might revitalize Flint, Detroit ,etc.

      1. Negropolis

        I don't have high expectations for this. If California can't do it, I'm not sure how close Michigan will get. That said, even just getting this on the ballot would assure the re-election of our Dem Senator next year, as well as taking back the state house and state supreme court, and maybe getting back two or so House seats.

        That said, this is 2012, and we're already halfway to full legalization.

          1. Negropolis

            Yep, and Kalamazoo, Detroit and quite a few other Michigan cities already have made by act of their charter the enforcement of small possession a very low priority.

  38. chicken_thief

    Why don't the idiots change the primaries to "closed"? Wouldn't that address their fear of having all the Obummer supporters vote for Paul? Or is that just too fucking simple?!

  39. Bonghits4Jesus

    Bigots in charge of the Virginia GOP are ignoring that this violates the Voting Rights Act. Virginia still requires preclearance for changes in voting prerequisites.

    1. SudsMcKenzie

      So Nikki's new SC "voter ID" law is blocked, only because the state is "down south". hmmm, why only the "down south" states?

    2. SayItWithWookies

      I think the reason they can do this is that it's for a position within the party, not an actual elected office. Thus house rules apply.
      Not that it matters. If the Virginia GOP wants to use some sort of pretend and heretofore unspoken principle to try to prevent me from exercising my right to vote for whoever I believe is most likely to lose, they have vastly underestimated the ability of regular human beings to see through their petty bullying.

  40. Indiepalin

    VAGOP, already the most incompetent political organization around, will also require voters to bring their smartphones into the voting booths and take a picture of how they voted in order to fulfill the loyalty oath.

    1. Fukui_SanYesOta

      Suggest that to them, please. They'll try it.

      Then everyone in the rest of the world will laugh at the GOP … again.

  41. DaRooster

    There were like 6 cases of voter fraud in the last election in the NATION… this is not an issue other than poor people, minorities and olds generally vote democratic… and keeping this group from voting is vital to Repugnants.
    Also- there were about 5 or 6 cases in the W v. Gore election… but those involved ENTIRE states going red… maybe we should stop that stuff?

  42. VaWyo

    But I always vote in the republican primary and never vote republican during the election. It's the only good thing about Virginia election rules.

    I am a bit nervous about voting in the primary this year (NOT because of the loyalty oath). I always vote for the most extreme batshit crazy person who is un-electable. But it doesn't appear that a candidate can be too batshit crazy anymore. These tea partiers want extreme crazy. I planned to vote for Paul in the primary because the "Ron Paul Revolution" paint job on a pickup truck I see all the time has convinced me this is the way to go.

    But what if my plan backfires and he is actually elected to be president? How could I live
    with myself? Maybe I should sit this primary out.

  43. Eve8Apples

    That's the problem with democracy — people can just show-up on election day and vote for any random crazy son of a bitch.

  44. Dürers Rhino

    The VA primary is turning into a very poorly constructed joke. I'm not surprised that the GOP is attempting a loyalty pledge. I am very surprised the VA State Board of Elections is allowing it.

    I wonder if you can file a grievance prior to election day.

  45. Slim_Pickins

    Since it is obviously the Republican faithful and not Virginia taxpayers that are paying for the primary, I say let them do what they want. Oh, the taxpayers are paying for it? Never mind.

  46. lulzmonger

    From same world-renowned brain-trust that brought America trickle-down theory & Teabaggers … it's …
    "Operation Leper 2: This Time It's Incestuous!"

    Either this thing is a death-pledge … or Republicans are gutless pussies who secretly want Al Qaeda to win. There is no third possibility.


  47. Tommmcattt

    Didn't that make blowjobs awkward? The last thing I wanna see going down is a reference to the Big Guy…

  48. MaxNeanderthal

    Only on the Wehrmacht belt buckles. I think the SS had "my oath is loyalty" or some such pre-pubescent bollocks. Made it a handy identifier when the Red Army guys needed to know who to shoot on the spot….

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