In case you ever wonder to yourself, as a dark thought experiment, what it sounds like when someone as profoundly paranoid and insane as Michele Bachmann actually ends up as a head of state, you get hilarious newz reports about your president like this one:

A day after officials announced the cancer diagnosis of Argentina’s president, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez wondered Wednesday if the United States could be infecting the region’s leaders with the illness.

Five current or former Latin American presidents have battled cancer in the past few years, including Chavez himself, who claims to have beaten an unspecified cancer.

Chavez prefaced his remarks at a military event in Caracas by saying, “I don’t want to make any reckless accusations,” but the Venezuelan president said he was concerned by something he finds “very, very, very strange.”

“Would it be strange if (the United States) had developed a technology to induce cancer, and for no one to know it?” he asked.


Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • nounverb911

    Everything gives you cancer.

    • There's no cure–there's no answer.

    • Baconzgood

      Except canc….oh right.

    • poncho_pilot

      Thank You. that was my first thought when i read, "a technology to induce cancer."

    • savethispatient

      So Obama's response should be "err… well, sure, indirectly".

  • Barb

    I know that we didn't make Kim Jong-Il.

    • nounverb911

      How about Kim Jong-dead?

    • Radiotherapy

      And it snowed when he died too….hmmmm.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Do they still make Hot Wheels? Cuz if they do, they need to add this car to the collection:

        • Radiotherapy

          Yeah, they do still make them, Made in China, of course. And those opera windows are sweet.

        • sezme

          Say what you will – the man knew how to rock a leisure suit.

    • Baconzgood

      That pun wasn't so on target I'd hate you a little bit.

  • chicken_thief

    "“Would it be strange if (the United States) had developed a technology to induce cancer, and for no one to know it?” he asked."

    They did – cigarettes and food additives.

    • And HAARP

      • Crank_Tango


        • Mojopo


    • Baconzgood

      DAMN YOU CHICKEN_THIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      We're pretty good at inducing acute lead poisoning … why bother with cancer?

    • Guppy

      Depleted uranium.

  • Radiotherapy

    Wait until he gets the radiotherapy, then it won't be such a covert operation.

    • user-of-owls

      Oh go ahead and be sneaky about it. You know you want to.

      • Radiotherapy

        He won't know what him until about 3 weeks later when his tissue starts sloughing off. The "cure."

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Clearly it's the close ties with Iran and their nuclear enrichment program that is causing the cancers.

  • Big Government is now psychically giving it's enemies cancer!

    Ron Paul 2012!

  • God, what a superstitious nutball. I bet he's a Scorpio, because you know how they are.

    • Limeylizzie

      I have no idea why that is so funny, I wouldn't have laughed if you had said it about Cancerians, I am one.

      • That is a good point. Cancer would have not worked in this scenario. I ran the other 11 through the Wildcat 2000 and Scorpio had the highest raw score.

        • Limeylizzie

          It was very randomly bigotted.

          • Oh, don't be such a crab.

          • user-of-owls

            Keep your stinkin' claws offa my Sweet Cakes.

          • Limeylizzie

            I love it when you are manly and protective of me, Owls.

          • user-of-owls

            Hey, I give a hoot! Now be a good girl and fetch me my pipe, smoking jacket and afternoon newspaper?

    • Loaded_Pants

      So true. When I believed in Astrology, I was very superstitious. Then when I stopped believing in it, I was cured of the Scorpio.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Wait a second…I think I heard Ron Paul say the same thing.

    • GOPCrusher

      I'm sure you did.

    • You may be confusing that with his claim that eating in the same restaurant as a gay person gives you AIDS.

      I wanted to make up something more ridiculous than what he said in reality, but I just could not manage it this early in the day.

  • Well, we tried to assasinate Fidel.

    It's taken fifty years, but it looks like it's finally taking

    • Loaded_Pants

      Inefficient Big Government at work!

      • beavertank

        Over time, over budget, and it breaks six months later.

        …oh wait, does that mean we get to look forward to a Castro-zombie?

  • Baconzgood

    We did develop a technology to induce cancer. Ask the fine people of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

    (Too soon?)

  • SayItWithWookies

    "Chavez surges ahead in Iowa polls"

  • Crank_Tango

    You know who else thought the US was somehow involved in his impending demise…

    • Schmannnity

      George III?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Russian hockey coach Viktor Tikhonov?

    • RedneckMuslin

      Ted Bundy?

    • memzilla

      Joe McCarthy? Joe Six-Pack? Joe the Plumber? Cotton-Eyed Joe?

      • Joe Arpaio? Joe Lieberman? Joe Stalin? "Diamond" Joe Quimby?

        • GOPCrusher

          Joe Mama?

          • RedneckMuslin

            Joe Chavez?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Howard Beal?

      • Steverino247

        That just makes me as mad as hell to hear that.

    • Ron Paul?

    • Guppy

      bin Laden?

    • Me.

      • user-of-owls

        ^ him ^

    • AlterNewt

      Jack Ruby?

    • not that Dewey

      Sitting Bull?

    • sezme

      Kunta Kinte?

    • Ngo Dinh Diem?

  • hagajim

    I don't know Hugo….maybe living in a third-world shithole gives you cancer. You know, all the pollution and crap created by the U.S. based multinationals….oh, wait.

    • Guppy

      Like Citgo?

  • BarackMyWorld

    I always assumed President Clinton had given some women diseases, but this is hardly the same thing.

    • beavertank

      I don't know, he could be carrying HPV… it's a genital conspiracy!

  • He'd probably say the same thing if he got syphilis. Oh–wait…

  • Schmannnity

    Venezuela has the highest murder rate in the Americas–higher than drug cartel Mexico. Spin that you fat totalitarian.

    • doloras

      Are you one of those people who keep going on about "why doesn't Barry just stand up to the Republicans and tell them to piss off?" The answer is: because the people who do that, like Hugo Chávez, are declared "totalitarians" by the MSM.

    • Ducksworthy

      I suspect that this is related to the relative income disparity in Venezuela. But we're catching up fast. USA! USA!

    • Oh for fucks sake. He is hardly a totalitarian. Sounds like you found Rick Santorum's thesis during the last debate pretty convincing.

      Anyway, Honduras and El Salvador both have higher "intentional homicide" rates.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Ironically, I wonder if Venezuela is to blame when an empanada gives me gas.

    • Mojopo

      Not empanada. Arepa.

  • GhostBuggy

    Sorry, Hugo, but as Bill Hicks will tell you, there's No Cure for Cancer.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I have (very gently) upfisted you for this.

    • BarackMyWorld

      …as stolen by Denis Leary.

  • Not_So_Much

    Well, he's still alive and bloviating — we must not be very good at it.

  • Beowoof

    We have developed propaganda technology to make people stupid. After all look at right wing voters. That technology is Fox News and right wing radio. Technology to give people cancer, well not intentionally, but if you are eating a KFC, McDonalds etc you are taking risks.

    • Fox News gives you brain cancer.

      • Beowoof

        I don't know, I do think it speeds alzheimers.

      • LetUsBray

        Or rather, soul cancer.

      • flamingpdog

        I don't believe you. You haz to have a brain before you can get brain cancer.

  • Hugo? I hope I can call you Hugo. That thing I said, about Li'l Kim Jong-Il, over here? I just want to be clear about this, I was joking. It was a JOKE.

    Come ON.

    Best Wishes,

  • Callyson

    "I don't know. I'm just putting the thought out there," Chavez said.
    Sounds like the preamble to the GOP party platform.

    • Loaded_Pants

      "I don't know. I'm just putting the thought out there," translates to: "There will be some stupid shits out there who'll believe it."

    • Sparky_McGruff

      It sounds like there may be a lot of stuff twirlin' around in his head.

  • Soylent Green

    Because his cancer had "Made In America' on the side of the can.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      That or he found Elenore Roosevelt's dentures in his cancer.

    • Loaded_Pants

      It was put in the can in America, but the cancer itself was made in China.

    • sezme

      Sorry, you lost me at "Made In America."

  • GOPCrusher

    Well, Reagan ordered the HIV virus released in to the population, so maybe Hugo is on to something here.

  • Callyson

    "I repeat: I am not accusing anyone. I am just using my freedom to reflect and give commentary on very strange occurrences that are hard to explain," he said.
    Would it be strange if FOX News had developed a technology to take over people's brains, and for no one to know it?

    • Beowoof

      They have.

  • Schmannnity

    When is he going to learn that if he wants to be taken seriously, at least by Republicans, when making an outlandish statement, he has to preface it with either "I have no facts to support this . . " or "this is not intended as a a factual statement?"

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Silly Hugo. The US and the CIA doesn't have any special technology to infect you with cancer. They invested all that money in technology to get you addicted to crack and infect you with AIDS.

  • Naked_Bunny

    Does he have brain cancer? Because maybe he was watching Jersey Shore.

    • Loaded_Pants

      No one can convince me otherwise that American Idol hasn't been an effective distribution system to give people brain shrinkage.
      Yes, I'm a fucking music snob, how did you guess?

  • Come here a minute

    Don't flatter yourself Hugo. We've been testing it on a variety of former Al Qaeda number threes, and we haven't been too disappointed with the results.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    “I don’t want to make any reckless accusations,”

    Too late.

    • tcaalaw

      It's pretty much guaranteed that when someone says, "I don’t want to make any reckless accusations," a reckless accusation is about to follow.

  • Bezoar

    Now that you mention it, I bet a carcinogenic virus could be fabricated and targeted for delivery through food or drink. I have no doubt that effective clandestine murder is a major DARPA goal.

  • chascates

    Yes, we did give him cancer. America itself has become a cancer. And anyone and anything that doesn't recognize we are (the present) exceptional nation, favored by God and entitled to bestride the world like a colossus is in our sights.

    Soon, however, we will join the list of nations like Rome, the Netherlands, Spain, and England that felt the same but ran their course. If China wants to be top cop have at it.

    • Fukui_Jong-un

      I reckon it's South America's turn.

      Let's pick, oh, Brazil. Yeah, I'd go with Brazil. Kinda modern, getting their feet, a fuckton of natural resources and hot people.

      Rather them than China.

      Papa Essa Brasil!!!!

  • Mahousu

    The U.S. has no ill intentions toward any world leader. And just to show there are no hard feelings, Hugo, here is a blanket that the good folks at Fort Detrick have prepared for you. No need to wash before use.

  • user-of-owls

    No Cancer for Oil!

  • ttommyunger

    Jack Ruby would not be amused.

  • iburl

    It's not that hard to give somebody cancer. I get it almost every time I watch MTV.

  • SwanSwanH

    Not the region's leaders, just you, shitbag.

    • "[Hugo] Chavez, [Argentina's Cristina] Fernandez, Paraguay's Fernando Lugo, Brazil's Dilma Rousseff and former Brazilian leader Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva have all been diagnosed recently with cancer."

      He's just sayin'.

    • friendlyskies

      What KLIA said. One thing about USAmericans – we know about Hugo, but not as much about the other leaders on that list who are on weird terms with the USA.

      Did you know Brazil just eclipsed the UK to become the world's sixth largest economy? Dilma punked the central banks, too, by suddenly devaluing the real a few months back, she does NOT play ball and that's why Brazil is #winning. Lula (and Dilma) have both sided with Hugo at times, purchased arms from Russia, played footsy with MENA countries, and refused to declare terrorism a crime (because Rousseff was tortured as a terrorist during the US-backed dictatorship).

      And Cristina is about ready to go to war with the UK for the Falklands again. I really don't think she's fucking around. While the UK was sending Wee Willy Windsor down there for some photo ops to show their strength, Kirshner was getting Mercosur (Brazil, Paraguay, Uruguay, Argentina, plus Chile) to back up Argentina's claim to the islands. There's oil. And Chile is a huge political coup for the cause – Piñera is supposed to be a Coalition ally. Oh, yeah, and she's probably buying weapons from Russia and Iran *ahem*.

      Anyway, I'm not saying that Hugo is correct, or even sane. But he's not the only one who has noticed that all of the leaders on that list have poked at the powers that be.

      • SwanSwanH

        Didn't realize I had enrolled in Daniel Ortega's "Imperialism and Conspiracies in the Western Hemisphere" seminar this semester. Will see the dean about a drop.

  • flamingpdog

    including Chavez himself, who claims to have beaten an unspecified cancer.

    I just looked at the CNN story and, sadly, I think he's had another flare-up of his clavicle cancer. Lookit the size of that gross, ugly tumor on his shoulders!

  • DaRooster

    It must be the hot dogs… eat one a day and you will get cancer… I read it on the innernets.

  • Come on KBJ, you're comparing Bachmann, who would rather women end up with cervical cancer than get an simple vaccine, with a guy who is offering every Venezuelan woman free breast implant removals to prevent needless deaths from faulty, leaky implants.

    Who the fuck knows what the CIA is up to? Now that Latin American coups are out of style, we've got to up our game if we want to enforce the Monroe Doctrine.

  • PapistRadical

    Considering the long history of American undermining of South American with any left wing and/or anti-imperialist agenda, whether they come to power by the ballot box like Allende or by armed revolution like Fidel, and considering that the US has sought to undermine the democratically elected Hugo with measures ranging from sanctions to encouraging the coup attempts of the Tea-Party equivalent opposition, I would be paranoid myself if I was in the man's position. Why do we feel the need to put Chavez in the same class of crazy as a fucking loser like Bachmann ?

    • not that Dewey

      “Would it be strange if (the United States) had developed a technology to induce cancer syphillis, and for no one to know it?”

      It would not be out of the ordinary.

    • paxromanaclef

      How about the fact that he shuts down non-state-sanctioned broadcast stations and newspapers? He's an ideologue and a windbag and a narcissist.

      • PapistRadical

        There are hundreds of oppositional new-stations and newspapers in Venezuela, many of them same political orientation, and journalistic quality, as our own Fox news. Related to this is the continued existence in parliament and in many parts of the state bureaucracy of a robust political opposition, mostly made from the right, but some notable liberal and leftist members as well. The news station you probably most had in mind was allowed to run out its licence because it had openly supported a military coup backed by our very own Bush. I would think that is a very good reason for a leftist government to deny its enemy's continued ownership of blatant propaganda machine for its undemocratic efforts.

  • sezme

    A quick scan of the headline and I was afraid Hugo Chavez was demanding that the US give him Canada. Though at this point we might be willing to give up some sanity in exchange for warmer weather.

    Scratch that: Stephen Harper is already taking care of both side of that equation by pulling us out of the Kyoto accord.

  • Fox&Friends, in the effort to assure balance, is looking for just the right pro-cancer spokesthing. Preferably another blonde.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Son – blondes are bad luck.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I don't know about cancer, but I did read "Confessions of an Economic Hitman." If I were Mr. Chavez – or any other Central or South American leader with a dodgy USA relationship, I certainly won't climb aboard an airplane.

    I'd always walk.

  • voodooeconomics

    we will never tell you how we did it, Pig head, but it seems to be working according to plan.

Previous articleRon Paul’s Iowa Campaign Hoping For Catastrophic Death Blizzard
Next articleVirginia GOP Now Requiring Blood Oath, Firstborn To Vote In Primary