latin america desk

Hugo Chavez Demands to Know If United States Gave Him Cancer

In case you ever wonder to yourself, as a dark thought experiment, what it sounds like when someone as profoundly paranoid and insane as Michele Bachmann actually ends up as a head of state, you get hilarious newz reports about your president like this one:

A day after officials announced the cancer diagnosis of Argentina’s president, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez wondered Wednesday if the United States could be infecting the region’s leaders with the illness.

Five current or former Latin American presidents have battled cancer in the past few years, including Chavez himself, who claims to have beaten an unspecified cancer.

Chavez prefaced his remarks at a military event in Caracas by saying, “I don’t want to make any reckless accusations,” but the Venezuelan president said he was concerned by something he finds “very, very, very strange.”

“Would it be strange if (the United States) had developed a technology to induce cancer, and for no one to know it?” he asked.


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  1. chicken_thief

    "“Would it be strange if (the United States) had developed a technology to induce cancer, and for no one to know it?” he asked."

    They did – cigarettes and food additives.

      1. Radiotherapy

        He won't know what him until about 3 weeks later when his tissue starts sloughing off. The "cure."

  2. Blueb4sunrise

    Clearly it's the close ties with Iran and their nuclear enrichment program that is causing the cancers.

    1. Limeylizzie

      I have no idea why that is so funny, I wouldn't have laughed if you had said it about Cancerians, I am one.

          1. user-of-owls

            Hey, I give a hoot! Now be a good girl and fetch me my pipe, smoking jacket and afternoon newspaper?

    2. Loaded_Pants

      So true. When I believed in Astrology, I was very superstitious. Then when I stopped believing in it, I was cured of the Scorpio.

    1. glamourdammerung

      You may be confusing that with his claim that eating in the same restaurant as a gay person gives you AIDS.

      I wanted to make up something more ridiculous than what he said in reality, but I just could not manage it this early in the day.

      1. beavertank

        Over time, over budget, and it breaks six months later.

        …oh wait, does that mean we get to look forward to a Castro-zombie?

  3. Baconzgood

    We did develop a technology to induce cancer. Ask the fine people of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

    (Too soon?)

  4. hagajim

    I don't know Hugo….maybe living in a third-world shithole gives you cancer. You know, all the pollution and crap created by the U.S. based multinationals….oh, wait.

  5. BarackMyWorld

    I always assumed President Clinton had given some women diseases, but this is hardly the same thing.

  6. Schmannnity

    Venezuela has the highest murder rate in the Americas–higher than drug cartel Mexico. Spin that you fat totalitarian.

    1. doloras

      Are you one of those people who keep going on about "why doesn't Barry just stand up to the Republicans and tell them to piss off?" The answer is: because the people who do that, like Hugo Chávez, are declared "totalitarians" by the MSM.

    2. Ducksworthy

      I suspect that this is related to the relative income disparity in Venezuela. But we're catching up fast. USA! USA!

    3. KenLayIsAlive

      Oh for fucks sake. He is hardly a totalitarian. Sounds like you found Rick Santorum's thesis during the last debate pretty convincing.

      Anyway, Honduras and El Salvador both have higher "intentional homicide" rates.

  7. Beowoof

    We have developed propaganda technology to make people stupid. After all look at right wing voters. That technology is Fox News and right wing radio. Technology to give people cancer, well not intentionally, but if you are eating a KFC, McDonalds etc you are taking risks.

  8. Negligently_Joe

    Hugo? I hope I can call you Hugo. That thing I said, about Li'l Kim Jong-Il, over here? I just want to be clear about this, I was joking. It was a JOKE.

    Come ON.

    Best Wishes,

  9. Callyson

    "I don't know. I'm just putting the thought out there," Chavez said.
    Sounds like the preamble to the GOP party platform.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      "I don't know. I'm just putting the thought out there," translates to: "There will be some stupid shits out there who'll believe it."

  10. GOPCrusher

    Well, Reagan ordered the HIV virus released in to the population, so maybe Hugo is on to something here.

  11. Callyson

    "I repeat: I am not accusing anyone. I am just using my freedom to reflect and give commentary on very strange occurrences that are hard to explain," he said.
    Would it be strange if FOX News had developed a technology to take over people's brains, and for no one to know it?

  12. Schmannnity

    When is he going to learn that if he wants to be taken seriously, at least by Republicans, when making an outlandish statement, he has to preface it with either "I have no facts to support this . . " or "this is not intended as a a factual statement?"

  13. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Silly Hugo. The US and the CIA doesn't have any special technology to infect you with cancer. They invested all that money in technology to get you addicted to crack and infect you with AIDS.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      No one can convince me otherwise that American Idol hasn't been an effective distribution system to give people brain shrinkage.
      Yes, I'm a fucking music snob, how did you guess?

  14. Come here a minute

    Don't flatter yourself Hugo. We've been testing it on a variety of former Al Qaeda number threes, and we haven't been too disappointed with the results.

    1. tcaalaw

      It's pretty much guaranteed that when someone says, "I don’t want to make any reckless accusations," a reckless accusation is about to follow.

  15. Bezoar

    Now that you mention it, I bet a carcinogenic virus could be fabricated and targeted for delivery through food or drink. I have no doubt that effective clandestine murder is a major DARPA goal.

  16. chascates

    Yes, we did give him cancer. America itself has become a cancer. And anyone and anything that doesn't recognize we are (the present) exceptional nation, favored by God and entitled to bestride the world like a colossus is in our sights.

    Soon, however, we will join the list of nations like Rome, the Netherlands, Spain, and England that felt the same but ran their course. If China wants to be top cop have at it.

    1. Fukui_Jong-un

      I reckon it's South America's turn.

      Let's pick, oh, Brazil. Yeah, I'd go with Brazil. Kinda modern, getting their feet, a fuckton of natural resources and hot people.

      Rather them than China.

      Papa Essa Brasil!!!!

  17. Mahousu

    The U.S. has no ill intentions toward any world leader. And just to show there are no hard feelings, Hugo, here is a blanket that the good folks at Fort Detrick have prepared for you. No need to wash before use.

    1. KenLayIsAlive

      "[Hugo] Chavez, [Argentina's Cristina] Fernandez, Paraguay's Fernando Lugo, Brazil's Dilma Rousseff and former Brazilian leader Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva have all been diagnosed recently with cancer."

      He's just sayin'.

    2. friendlyskies

      What KLIA said. One thing about USAmericans – we know about Hugo, but not as much about the other leaders on that list who are on weird terms with the USA.

      Did you know Brazil just eclipsed the UK to become the world's sixth largest economy? Dilma punked the central banks, too, by suddenly devaluing the real a few months back, she does NOT play ball and that's why Brazil is #winning. Lula (and Dilma) have both sided with Hugo at times, purchased arms from Russia, played footsy with MENA countries, and refused to declare terrorism a crime (because Rousseff was tortured as a terrorist during the US-backed dictatorship).

      And Cristina is about ready to go to war with the UK for the Falklands again. I really don't think she's fucking around. While the UK was sending Wee Willy Windsor down there for some photo ops to show their strength, Kirshner was getting Mercosur (Brazil, Paraguay, Uruguay, Argentina, plus Chile) to back up Argentina's claim to the islands. There's oil. And Chile is a huge political coup for the cause – Piñera is supposed to be a Coalition ally. Oh, yeah, and she's probably buying weapons from Russia and Iran *ahem*.

      Anyway, I'm not saying that Hugo is correct, or even sane. But he's not the only one who has noticed that all of the leaders on that list have poked at the powers that be.

      1. SwanSwanH

        Didn't realize I had enrolled in Daniel Ortega's "Imperialism and Conspiracies in the Western Hemisphere" seminar this semester. Will see the dean about a drop.

  18. flamingpdog

    including Chavez himself, who claims to have beaten an unspecified cancer.

    I just looked at the CNN story and, sadly, I think he's had another flare-up of his clavicle cancer. Lookit the size of that gross, ugly tumor on his shoulders!

  19. KenLayIsAlive

    Come on KBJ, you're comparing Bachmann, who would rather women end up with cervical cancer than get an simple vaccine, with a guy who is offering every Venezuelan woman free breast implant removals to prevent needless deaths from faulty, leaky implants.

    Who the fuck knows what the CIA is up to? Now that Latin American coups are out of style, we've got to up our game if we want to enforce the Monroe Doctrine.

  20. PapistRadical

    Considering the long history of American undermining of South American with any left wing and/or anti-imperialist agenda, whether they come to power by the ballot box like Allende or by armed revolution like Fidel, and considering that the US has sought to undermine the democratically elected Hugo with measures ranging from sanctions to encouraging the coup attempts of the Tea-Party equivalent opposition, I would be paranoid myself if I was in the man's position. Why do we feel the need to put Chavez in the same class of crazy as a fucking loser like Bachmann ?

    1. paxromanaclef

      How about the fact that he shuts down non-state-sanctioned broadcast stations and newspapers? He's an ideologue and a windbag and a narcissist.

      1. PapistRadical

        There are hundreds of oppositional new-stations and newspapers in Venezuela, many of them same political orientation, and journalistic quality, as our own Fox news. Related to this is the continued existence in parliament and in many parts of the state bureaucracy of a robust political opposition, mostly made from the right, but some notable liberal and leftist members as well. The news station you probably most had in mind was allowed to run out its licence because it had openly supported a military coup backed by our very own Bush. I would think that is a very good reason for a leftist government to deny its enemy's continued ownership of blatant propaganda machine for its undemocratic efforts.

  21. sezme

    A quick scan of the headline and I was afraid Hugo Chavez was demanding that the US give him Canada. Though at this point we might be willing to give up some sanity in exchange for warmer weather.

    Scratch that: Stephen Harper is already taking care of both side of that equation by pulling us out of the Kyoto accord.

  22. Tundra Grifter

    I don't know about cancer, but I did read "Confessions of an Economic Hitman." If I were Mr. Chavez – or any other Central or South American leader with a dodgy USA relationship, I certainly won't climb aboard an airplane.

    I'd always walk.

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