LATIN AMERICA DESK  4:33 pm December 29, 2011

Hugo Chavez Demands to Know If United States Gave Him Cancer

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

In case you ever wonder to yourself, as a dark thought experiment, what it sounds like when someone as profoundly paranoid and insane as Michele Bachmann actually ends up as a head of state, you get hilarious newz reports about your president like this one:

A day after officials announced the cancer diagnosis of Argentina’s president, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez wondered Wednesday if the United States could be infecting the region’s leaders with the illness.

Five current or former Latin American presidents have battled cancer in the past few years, including Chavez himself, who claims to have beaten an unspecified cancer.

Chavez prefaced his remarks at a military event in Caracas by saying, “I don’t want to make any reckless accusations,” but the Venezuelan president said he was concerned by something he finds “very, very, very strange.”

“Would it be strange if (the United States) had developed a technology to induce cancer, and for no one to know it?” he asked.

[CNN]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 122 comments }

nounverb911 December 29, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Everything gives you cancer.

NogFilledExistence December 29, 2011 at 4:55 pm

There's no cure–there's no answer.

Baconzgood December 29, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Except canc….oh right.

poncho_pilot December 29, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Thank You. that was my first thought when i read, "a technology to induce cancer."

savethispatient December 29, 2011 at 5:59 pm

So Obama's response should be "err… well, sure, indirectly".

Barb December 29, 2011 at 4:35 pm

I know that we didn't make Kim Jong-Il.

nounverb911 December 29, 2011 at 4:36 pm

How about Kim Jong-dead?

Radiotherapy December 29, 2011 at 4:41 pm

And it snowed when he died too….hmmmm.

Dashboard Buddha December 29, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Do they still make Hot Wheels? Cuz if they do, they need to add this car to the collection:
http://www.blogcdn.com/www.autoblog.com/media/201

Radiotherapy December 29, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Yeah, they do still make them, Made in China, of course. And those opera windows are sweet.

sezme December 30, 2011 at 11:24 am

Say what you will – the man knew how to rock a leisure suit.

Baconzgood December 29, 2011 at 4:57 pm

That pun wasn't so on target I'd hate you a little bit.

chicken_thief December 29, 2011 at 4:40 pm

"“Would it be strange if (the United States) had developed a technology to induce cancer, and for no one to know it?” he asked."

They did – cigarettes and food additives.

actor212 December 29, 2011 at 4:54 pm

And HAARP

Crank_Tango December 29, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Chemtrails!!!

Mojopo December 30, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Monsatan!

Baconzgood December 29, 2011 at 4:55 pm

DAMN YOU CHICKEN_THIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Biel_ze_Bubba December 29, 2011 at 6:44 pm

We're pretty good at inducing acute lead poisoning … why bother with cancer?

Guppy December 29, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Depleted uranium.

Radiotherapy December 29, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Wait until he gets the radiotherapy, then it won't be such a covert operation.

user-of-owls December 29, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Oh go ahead and be sneaky about it. You know you want to.

Radiotherapy December 29, 2011 at 9:36 pm

He won't know what him until about 3 weeks later when his tissue starts sloughing off. The "cure."

Blueb4sunrise December 29, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Clearly it's the close ties with Iran and their nuclear enrichment program that is causing the cancers.

DerrickWildcat December 29, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Big Government is now psychically giving it's enemies cancer!

Ron Paul 2012!

DerrickWildcat December 29, 2011 at 4:49 pm

God, what a superstitious nutball. I bet he's a Scorpio, because you know how they are.

Limeylizzie December 29, 2011 at 5:19 pm

I have no idea why that is so funny, I wouldn't have laughed if you had said it about Cancerians, I am one.

DerrickWildcat December 29, 2011 at 5:32 pm

That is a good point. Cancer would have not worked in this scenario. I ran the other 11 through the Wildcat 2000 and Scorpio had the highest raw score.

Limeylizzie December 29, 2011 at 5:36 pm

It was very randomly bigotted.

starfanglednut December 29, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Oh, don't be such a crab.

Loaded_Pants December 29, 2011 at 7:32 pm

So true. When I believed in Astrology, I was very superstitious. Then when I stopped believing in it, I was cured of the Scorpio.

littlebigdaddy December 29, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Wait a second…I think I heard Ron Paul say the same thing.

GOPCrusher December 29, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I'm sure you did.

glamourdammerung December 30, 2011 at 8:48 am

You may be confusing that with his claim that eating in the same restaurant as a gay person gives you AIDS.

I wanted to make up something more ridiculous than what he said in reality, but I just could not manage it this early in the day.

actor212 December 29, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Well, we tried to assasinate Fidel.

It's taken fifty years, but it looks like it's finally taking

Loaded_Pants December 29, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Inefficient Big Government at work!

beavertank December 30, 2011 at 2:11 am

Over time, over budget, and it breaks six months later.

…oh wait, does that mean we get to look forward to a Castro-zombie?

Baconzgood December 29, 2011 at 4:53 pm

We did develop a technology to induce cancer. Ask the fine people of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

(Too soon?)

SayItWithWookies December 29, 2011 at 4:53 pm

"Chavez surges ahead in Iowa polls"

Crank_Tango December 29, 2011 at 4:54 pm

You know who else thought the US was somehow involved in his impending demise…

Schmannnity December 29, 2011 at 5:08 pm

George III?

SudsMcKenzie December 29, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Russian hockey coach Viktor Tikhonov?

RedneckMuslin December 29, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Ted Bundy?

memzilla December 29, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Joe McCarthy? Joe Six-Pack? Joe the Plumber? Cotton-Eyed Joe?

Negligently_Joe December 29, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Joe Arpaio? Joe Lieberman? Joe Stalin? "Diamond" Joe Quimby?

GOPCrusher December 29, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Joe Mama?

RedneckMuslin December 29, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Joe Chavez?

SayItWithWookies December 29, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Howard Beal?

Steverino247 December 29, 2011 at 5:39 pm

That just makes me as mad as hell to hear that.

Negligently_Joe December 29, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Ron Paul?

Guppy December 29, 2011 at 6:54 pm

bin Laden?

starfanglednut December 29, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Me.

user-of-owls December 29, 2011 at 8:59 pm

^ him ^

AlterNewt December 29, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Jack Ruby?

not that Dewey December 29, 2011 at 11:18 pm

Sitting Bull?

sezme December 30, 2011 at 11:21 am

Kunta Kinte?

FlownOver December 30, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Ngo Dinh Diem?

hagajim December 29, 2011 at 4:56 pm

I don't know Hugo….maybe living in a third-world shithole gives you cancer. You know, all the pollution and crap created by the U.S. based multinationals….oh, wait.

Guppy December 29, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Like Citgo?

BarackMyWorld December 29, 2011 at 4:57 pm

I always assumed President Clinton had given some women diseases, but this is hardly the same thing.

beavertank December 30, 2011 at 2:13 am

I don't know, he could be carrying HPV… it's a genital conspiracy!

NogFilledExistence December 29, 2011 at 4:57 pm

He'd probably say the same thing if he got syphilis. Oh–wait…

Schmannnity December 29, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Venezuela has the highest murder rate in the Americas–higher than drug cartel Mexico. Spin that you fat totalitarian.

doloras December 29, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Are you one of those people who keep going on about "why doesn't Barry just stand up to the Republicans and tell them to piss off?" The answer is: because the people who do that, like Hugo Chávez, are declared "totalitarians" by the MSM.

Ducksworthy December 29, 2011 at 6:07 pm

I suspect that this is related to the relative income disparity in Venezuela. But we're catching up fast. USA! USA!

KenLayIsAlive December 30, 2011 at 1:30 am

Oh for fucks sake. He is hardly a totalitarian. Sounds like you found Rick Santorum's thesis during the last debate pretty convincing.

Anyway, Honduras and El Salvador both have higher "intentional homicide" rates.

SudsMcKenzie December 29, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Ironically, I wonder if Venezuela is to blame when an empanada gives me gas.

Mojopo December 30, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Not empanada. Arepa.

GhostBuggy December 29, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Sorry, Hugo, but as Bill Hicks will tell you, there's No Cure for Cancer.

Loaded_Pants December 29, 2011 at 7:36 pm

I have (very gently) upfisted you for this.

BarackMyWorld December 30, 2011 at 2:49 am

…as stolen by Denis Leary.

Not_So_Much December 29, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Well, he's still alive and bloviating — we must not be very good at it.

Beowoof December 29, 2011 at 5:09 pm

We have developed propaganda technology to make people stupid. After all look at right wing voters. That technology is Fox News and right wing radio. Technology to give people cancer, well not intentionally, but if you are eating a KFC, McDonalds etc you are taking risks.

NogFilledExistence December 29, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Fox News gives you brain cancer.

Beowoof December 29, 2011 at 5:50 pm

I don't know, I do think it speeds alzheimers.

LetUsBray December 29, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Or rather, soul cancer.

flamingpdog December 29, 2011 at 10:52 pm

I don't believe you. You haz to have a brain before you can get brain cancer.

NogFilledExistence December 30, 2011 at 3:02 am

Skull rot, then.

Negligently_Joe December 29, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Hugo? I hope I can call you Hugo. That thing I said, about Li'l Kim Jong-Il, over here? I just want to be clear about this, I was joking. It was a JOKE.

Come ON.

Best Wishes,
–Somethingly_Joe.

Callyson December 29, 2011 at 5:34 pm

"I don't know. I'm just putting the thought out there," Chavez said.
Sounds like the preamble to the GOP party platform.

Loaded_Pants December 29, 2011 at 7:39 pm

"I don't know. I'm just putting the thought out there," translates to: "There will be some stupid shits out there who'll believe it."

Sparky_McGruff December 30, 2011 at 9:56 am

It sounds like there may be a lot of stuff twirlin' around in his head.

Soylent Green December 29, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Because his cancer had "Made In America' on the side of the can.

Dashboard Buddha December 29, 2011 at 6:34 pm

That or he found Elenore Roosevelt's dentures in his cancer.

Loaded_Pants December 29, 2011 at 7:40 pm

It was put in the can in America, but the cancer itself was made in China.

sezme December 30, 2011 at 11:18 am

Sorry, you lost me at "Made In America."

GOPCrusher December 29, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Well, Reagan ordered the HIV virus released in to the population, so maybe Hugo is on to something here.

Callyson December 29, 2011 at 5:36 pm

"I repeat: I am not accusing anyone. I am just using my freedom to reflect and give commentary on very strange occurrences that are hard to explain," he said.
Would it be strange if FOX News had developed a technology to take over people's brains, and for no one to know it?

Beowoof December 29, 2011 at 5:51 pm

They have.

Schmannnity December 29, 2011 at 5:43 pm

When is he going to learn that if he wants to be taken seriously, at least by Republicans, when making an outlandish statement, he has to preface it with either "I have no facts to support this . . " or "this is not intended as a a factual statement?"

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 29, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Silly Hugo. The US and the CIA doesn't have any special technology to infect you with cancer. They invested all that money in technology to get you addicted to crack and infect you with AIDS.

Naked_Bunny December 29, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Does he have brain cancer? Because maybe he was watching Jersey Shore.

Loaded_Pants December 29, 2011 at 7:45 pm

No one can convince me otherwise that American Idol hasn't been an effective distribution system to give people brain shrinkage.
Yes, I'm a fucking music snob, how did you guess?

Come here a minute December 29, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Don't flatter yourself Hugo. We've been testing it on a variety of former Al Qaeda number threes, and we haven't been too disappointed with the results.

Dashboard Buddha December 29, 2011 at 6:38 pm

“I don’t want to make any reckless accusations,”

Too late.

tcaalaw December 30, 2011 at 10:34 am

It's pretty much guaranteed that when someone says, "I don’t want to make any reckless accusations," a reckless accusation is about to follow.

Bezoar December 29, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Now that you mention it, I bet a carcinogenic virus could be fabricated and targeted for delivery through food or drink. I have no doubt that effective clandestine murder is a major DARPA goal.

chascates December 29, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Yes, we did give him cancer. America itself has become a cancer. And anyone and anything that doesn't recognize we are (the present) exceptional nation, favored by God and entitled to bestride the world like a colossus is in our sights.

Soon, however, we will join the list of nations like Rome, the Netherlands, Spain, and England that felt the same but ran their course. If China wants to be top cop have at it.

Fukui_Jong-un December 30, 2011 at 5:11 am

I reckon it's South America's turn.

Let's pick, oh, Brazil. Yeah, I'd go with Brazil. Kinda modern, getting their feet, a fuckton of natural resources and hot people.

Rather them than China.

Papa Essa Brasil!!!!

KenLayIsAlive December 30, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I, for one, welcome our new Brazilian overlords.

Mahousu December 29, 2011 at 8:00 pm

The U.S. has no ill intentions toward any world leader. And just to show there are no hard feelings, Hugo, here is a blanket that the good folks at Fort Detrick have prepared for you. No need to wash before use.

user-of-owls December 29, 2011 at 8:24 pm

No Cancer for Oil!

ttommyunger December 29, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Jack Ruby would not be amused.

iburl December 29, 2011 at 8:53 pm

It's not that hard to give somebody cancer. I get it almost every time I watch MTV.

SwanSwanH December 29, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Not the region's leaders, just you, shitbag.

KenLayIsAlive December 30, 2011 at 1:47 am

"[Hugo] Chavez, [Argentina's Cristina] Fernandez, Paraguay's Fernando Lugo, Brazil's Dilma Rousseff and former Brazilian leader Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva have all been diagnosed recently with cancer."

He's just sayin'.

friendlyskies December 30, 2011 at 12:54 pm

What KLIA said. One thing about USAmericans – we know about Hugo, but not as much about the other leaders on that list who are on weird terms with the USA.

Did you know Brazil just eclipsed the UK to become the world's sixth largest economy? Dilma punked the central banks, too, by suddenly devaluing the real a few months back, she does NOT play ball and that's why Brazil is #winning. Lula (and Dilma) have both sided with Hugo at times, purchased arms from Russia, played footsy with MENA countries, and refused to declare terrorism a crime (because Rousseff was tortured as a terrorist during the US-backed dictatorship).

And Cristina is about ready to go to war with the UK for the Falklands again. I really don't think she's fucking around. While the UK was sending Wee Willy Windsor down there for some photo ops to show their strength, Kirshner was getting Mercosur (Brazil, Paraguay, Uruguay, Argentina, plus Chile) to back up Argentina's claim to the islands. There's oil. And Chile is a huge political coup for the cause – Piñera is supposed to be a Coalition ally. Oh, yeah, and she's probably buying weapons from Russia and Iran *ahem*.

Anyway, I'm not saying that Hugo is correct, or even sane. But he's not the only one who has noticed that all of the leaders on that list have poked at the powers that be.

SwanSwanH December 30, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Didn't realize I had enrolled in Daniel Ortega's "Imperialism and Conspiracies in the Western Hemisphere" seminar this semester. Will see the dean about a drop.

flamingpdog December 29, 2011 at 11:01 pm

including Chavez himself, who claims to have beaten an unspecified cancer.

I just looked at the CNN story and, sadly, I think he's had another flare-up of his clavicle cancer. Lookit the size of that gross, ugly tumor on his shoulders!

DaRooster December 30, 2011 at 12:36 am

It must be the hot dogs… eat one a day and you will get cancer… I read it on the innernets.

KenLayIsAlive December 30, 2011 at 1:44 am

Come on KBJ, you're comparing Bachmann, who would rather women end up with cervical cancer than get an simple vaccine, with a guy who is offering every Venezuelan woman free breast implant removals to prevent needless deaths from faulty, leaky implants.

Who the fuck knows what the CIA is up to? Now that Latin American coups are out of style, we've got to up our game if we want to enforce the Monroe Doctrine.

PapistRadical December 30, 2011 at 9:02 am

Considering the long history of American undermining of South American with any left wing and/or anti-imperialist agenda, whether they come to power by the ballot box like Allende or by armed revolution like Fidel, and considering that the US has sought to undermine the democratically elected Hugo with measures ranging from sanctions to encouraging the coup attempts of the Tea-Party equivalent opposition, I would be paranoid myself if I was in the man's position. Why do we feel the need to put Chavez in the same class of crazy as a fucking loser like Bachmann ?

not that Dewey December 30, 2011 at 10:13 am

“Would it be strange if (the United States) had developed a technology to induce cancer syphillis, and for no one to know it?”

It would not be out of the ordinary.

paxromanaclef January 3, 2012 at 7:27 pm

How about the fact that he shuts down non-state-sanctioned broadcast stations and newspapers? He's an ideologue and a windbag and a narcissist.

PapistRadical January 3, 2012 at 11:48 pm

There are hundreds of oppositional new-stations and newspapers in Venezuela, many of them same political orientation, and journalistic quality, as our own Fox news. Related to this is the continued existence in parliament and in many parts of the state bureaucracy of a robust political opposition, mostly made from the right, but some notable liberal and leftist members as well. The news station you probably most had in mind was allowed to run out its licence because it had openly supported a military coup backed by our very own Bush. I would think that is a very good reason for a leftist government to deny its enemy's continued ownership of blatant propaganda machine for its undemocratic efforts.

sezme December 30, 2011 at 11:14 am

A quick scan of the headline and I was afraid Hugo Chavez was demanding that the US give him Canada. Though at this point we might be willing to give up some sanity in exchange for warmer weather.

Scratch that: Stephen Harper is already taking care of both side of that equation by pulling us out of the Kyoto accord.

FlownOver December 30, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Fox&Friends, in the effort to assure balance, is looking for just the right pro-cancer spokesthing. Preferably another blonde.

Tundra Grifter December 30, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Son – blondes are bad luck.

Tundra Grifter December 30, 2011 at 1:10 pm

I don't know about cancer, but I did read "Confessions of an Economic Hitman." If I were Mr. Chavez – or any other Central or South American leader with a dodgy USA relationship, I certainly won't climb aboard an airplane.

I'd always walk.

voodooeconomics December 30, 2011 at 5:08 pm

we will never tell you how we did it, Pig head, but it seems to be working according to plan.

user-of-owls December 29, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Keep your stinkin' claws offa my Sweet Cakes.

Limeylizzie December 29, 2011 at 10:50 pm

I love it when you are manly and protective of me, Owls.

user-of-owls December 30, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Hey, I give a hoot! Now be a good girl and fetch me my pipe, smoking jacket and afternoon newspaper?

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