SHARE

Nearing the end of the beginning of the end, or something.Uh-oh, that thing that no one thought would happen but secretly knew was going to happen has finally HAPPENED, folks: Mitt Romney is leading in a new poll out of Iowa. Great. Iowa has lost its sense of humor just in time for the caucuses. “Political wisdom,” which is an oxymoron, has it that Romney is finally at the top of the trash heap because weepy evangelical voters are fighting among each other over who of the remaining candidates (not counting Ron Paul or Jon Huntsman, duh) qualifies as the most theocratically-inclined would-be dictator bigot of all. Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry and Rick Santorum all KNOW THIS, so they are working extra super double hard at the crazy in these final days before the caucuses.

Just look at the hilarious catalogue of totally insane positions that Iowa Republican voters are increasingly turning down, right now! Last night the Not-Romney club of dingbats got together for a “tele-townhall” to discuss their promises to rip apart and set fire to America’s legal system, because of vaginas:

“The president can put abortion pills for girls 8 years of age, 11 years of age, on the bubblegum aisle,” Bachmann continued, apparently in reference to a recommendation by the FDA that the morning after pill be available over the counter, which both the administration and Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius recently rejected.

Asked how she would react were the Supreme Court to strike down Personhood legislation, Bachmann said, “Congress and the president need to retake back their power and authority and resubmit legislation and work it through … The Supreme Court can’t arbitrarily tell us what the law of the land is.” The other two branches of government should “reclaim that authority to make law,” she added.

Yes, Congress should finally retake back their resubmission powers of back-taking. WHUT. Oh oh oh, hang on a second, most smartest person ever Newt Gingrich will follow up to clarify all this stuff, about vaginas:

What you have is the secular left, which has been using the courts to replace the America we grew up in, the secular left which is desperately committed to Roe v. Wade and abortion, desperately committed to marriage between same-sex couples becoming legitimized as if they were the same between traditional marriage between a man and a woman, desperately committed to driving God out of public life, and they are suddenly faced with the possibility that we the people are going to take back our authority, that we are going to take back our rights, that we are going to redress the balance. The level of hysteria, I predict, will grow as they come to realize at the American Bar Association and elsewhere that this really is an effort to limit the power of lawyers to redesign America.

DAMN LAWYERS’ ASSOCIATIONS and their librul conspiracies to fart on the Constitution.

Rick Perry also yakked about vaginas, with disdain, some awful thing along the lines of “I have finally seen God’s light and I am prepared to throw women who need abortions for medical reasons in jail, to rot” or whatever, but we liked this quote about how the United States has already annexed Canada in Rick Perry’s mind even better:

“Every barrel of oil that comes out of those sands in Canada is a barrel of oil that we don’t have to buy from a foreign source,” Mr. Perry said in Clarinda, earning a loud round of enthusiastic applause.

Santorum probably also said some insane stuff, but we are mostly just disappointed that the poll shows him in third place and no one in the WUSS MEDIA has put out a “Santorum explodes into top-tier of candidates” headline. COME ON. [TIME/ HuffPo/ Right Wing Watch/ NYT]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
Previous articleRumored Closeted Republican Politician of The Week: Richard Nixon!
Next articleMitt Romney Vows To Balance Budget With Reforms To ‘Sesame Street’