poll pr0n

Romney Leads in Iowa; Other GOP Idiots Promise To Burn Constitution

Nearing the end of the beginning of the end, or something.Uh-oh, that thing that no one thought would happen but secretly knew was going to happen has finally HAPPENED, folks: Mitt Romney is leading in a new poll out of Iowa. Great. Iowa has lost its sense of humor just in time for the caucuses. “Political wisdom,” which is an oxymoron, has it that Romney is finally at the top of the trash heap because weepy evangelical voters are fighting among each other over who of the remaining candidates (not counting Ron Paul or Jon Huntsman, duh) qualifies as the most theocratically-inclined would-be dictator bigot of all. Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry and Rick Santorum all KNOW THIS, so they are working extra super double hard at the crazy in these final days before the caucuses.

Just look at the hilarious catalogue of totally insane positions that Iowa Republican voters are increasingly turning down, right now! Last night the Not-Romney club of dingbats got together for a “tele-townhall” to discuss their promises to rip apart and set fire to America’s legal system, because of vaginas:

“The president can put abortion pills for girls 8 years of age, 11 years of age, on the bubblegum aisle,” Bachmann continued, apparently in reference to a recommendation by the FDA that the morning after pill be available over the counter, which both the administration and Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius recently rejected.

Asked how she would react were the Supreme Court to strike down Personhood legislation, Bachmann said, “Congress and the president need to retake back their power and authority and resubmit legislation and work it through … The Supreme Court can’t arbitrarily tell us what the law of the land is.” The other two branches of government should “reclaim that authority to make law,” she added.

Yes, Congress should finally retake back their resubmission powers of back-taking. WHUT. Oh oh oh, hang on a second, most smartest person ever Newt Gingrich will follow up to clarify all this stuff, about vaginas:

What you have is the secular left, which has been using the courts to replace the America we grew up in, the secular left which is desperately committed to Roe v. Wade and abortion, desperately committed to marriage between same-sex couples becoming legitimized as if they were the same between traditional marriage between a man and a woman, desperately committed to driving God out of public life, and they are suddenly faced with the possibility that we the people are going to take back our authority, that we are going to take back our rights, that we are going to redress the balance. The level of hysteria, I predict, will grow as they come to realize at the American Bar Association and elsewhere that this really is an effort to limit the power of lawyers to redesign America.

DAMN LAWYERS’ ASSOCIATIONS and their librul conspiracies to fart on the Constitution.

Rick Perry also yakked about vaginas, with disdain, some awful thing along the lines of “I have finally seen God’s light and I am prepared to throw women who need abortions for medical reasons in jail, to rot” or whatever, but we liked this quote about how the United States has already annexed Canada in Rick Perry’s mind even better:

“Every barrel of oil that comes out of those sands in Canada is a barrel of oil that we don’t have to buy from a foreign source,” Mr. Perry said in Clarinda, earning a loud round of enthusiastic applause.

Santorum probably also said some insane stuff, but we are mostly just disappointed that the poll shows him in third place and no one in the WUSS MEDIA has put out a “Santorum explodes into top-tier of candidates” headline. COME ON. [TIME/ HuffPo/ Right Wing Watch/ NYT]

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    1. gullywompr

      Clearly, a Santorum Surge in Iowa is a secret plot of the Obama administration to convince the right to reverse their stand on FEMA.

      1. Gleem_McShineys

        Marcus Bachmann was very shaken to hear this news, and spoke to the campaign manager to try and make sure he was never ever again to be photographed from the back.

  1. memzilla

    I love how Gingrich, Bachmann, Santorum, and Perry are all complaining about how Virginia won't put them in its primary, because of Virginia's State's Right to make its own rules about these things.

    And the first one to run to the Federal Courts with a lawsuit is Rick "Secede From Teh Yoonyun" Goodhair Perry, followed by Newt "Too Many Activist Judges" Gingrich.

      1. user-of-owls

        Oh, it's precious. Gingrich is saying he would have had 11,500 signatures, or 1,500 more than he needed. Except one of his hired signature getterers committed fraud and made up all his signatures. How many would those be Newt? Fifteen hundred, by gum!

        Ha ha. HA HA HA! Foist by his own fucking ACORN canard!

        1. Negligently_Joe

          Once again, though. All the WI recall folks, not to mention every two-bit activist I went to college with, knew you weren't safe unless you had half again the number of signatures required. And ideally, twice as many as you needed. If there's 10,000 required, you're supposed to aim for at least 15,000. See the Scott Walker recall petitions, for an illustration of this principle at work.

          This really is inexcusable amateurishness. Unless, of course, Newt was caught off-guard by the fact that people were taking his candidacy seriously, rather than treating it like the for-profit money-making venture that he clearly was. Because, in that case, I could understand where there might have been a sudden time crunch getting those signatures.

          1. memzilla

            For Virginia, I heard (PBS?) that the hangup is the that the person generating the petition has to be a registered voter in the state of Virginia. You can't just be a staffer flying in to do it.

          2. Negligently_Joe


            It's V.I.R.G.I.N.I.A. As in, the state where Newt Gingrich resides. And also as in, the state where virtually every political staffer or DC lobbyist also resides, too.

            Newt Gingrich failed to gather a sufficient number of signatures in his home state.

          3. user-of-owls

            This is why I said it was "precious." It had nothing whatever to do with money or time crunches. It was pure unmitigated hubris. "Ha ha, I, The Mighty Mealworm don't need excess signatures like mere mortals!"

            The only surprise is he didn't order the whole enterprise shut down at exactly 10K signatures. I just giggle like a schoolgirl every time I think about it. So many layers within layers of fail!

        2. Tundra Grifter


          Perhaps Ole Newt's campaign didn't have the cash to hire professional signature gatherers. Perhaps they went with "a-dime-a-sign" when the going rate was more like a buck?

          That's the free market giving him a big bite in his big rear end.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Clearly, while the 10th Amendment should keep you from having to share a bathroom with black people, or let the Ghayez engage in sodomy, or let a women control her body, it has no place getting in the way of a politician's ego.

  2. dadanarchist

    The GOP is so anti-abortion that I anticipate that soon GOoPy candidates will advocate the forced impregnation of any woman of breeding age who isn't already pregnant.

    Unless of course you are a Mooslim or Mehican or a Negro – then free abortions and sterilization for all!

  3. Texan_Bulldog

    Have to fix Newt's quote: "…as if they were the same between traditional marriage between a man and a woman and a woman and a woman."

    1. CapeClod

      Yes, liberals are trying to "replace the country we grew up in," where serial adultery wasn't frowned upon.

  4. Joshua Norton

    I also heard Santorum has taken a lead. Given the way the top names bounce around, this must be how a typical Repug phone poll goes:

    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?
    Who do you like now?

    You can take off the big red rubber noses, the funny yellow shoes and the makeup but they are all still a bunch of clowns.

  5. PrimlyStable

    "The Supreme Court can’t arbitrarily tell us what the law of the land is.”

    Isn't that kind of their job?

  6. Schmegeg

    The ABA is liberal. Now that is funny. Two tickets to an Aegean vacation for the Newt and whoever he is boning this week.

    1. chicken_thief

      Nixon is too freakin RADICAL soshulis for this bunch – he'd have to do the Romney two step to walk his proposal for universal coverage back just like Mittens himself and Newt the Endorser of Communist coverage.

  7. Rotundo_

    "Santorum Makes Come From Behind Miracle Happen". Will the AP, Reuters or FoxSnooze drop this headline?

      1. yyyaz

        They wish they were a Bigus Dickus. Five will get you ten that the group average is much closer to a cocktail weenie than a Rubirosa.

        1. flamingpdog

          If the Republicans were going to base their nomination on dick size, Ann Coulter would be the front-runner.

  8. finallyhappy

    Iowa – why does anyone care???? We never care about Iowa at any other time. Or actually as Democrats- we don't care.

    1. memzilla

      Whaddya mean, we only care about Iowa for two months out of every 48? It's the nation's leading pork producer! BACON LIBEL!!1!!!

  9. Come here a minute

    The Santorum will be running nonstop until caucus night. Rick doesn't have to worry about spreading himself too thin, because FROTHINESS.

  10. user-of-owls

    “The president can put abortion pills for girls 8 years of age, 11 years of age, on the bubblegum aisle,” Bachmann continued

    Oooh, wait 'til Bazooka Joe hears about this!

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Oh, man, I always loved picking my abortion pills in the bubblegum aisle as a kid! Some of them came with jokes on the wrappers, and others with stick-on tattoos!

      1. user-of-owls

        I used to love blowing huge bubbles and then popping them with a pin. Just like when you suck the brains out of a throbbing wet sentient fetus! Yay!

  11. Harry_S_Truman

    Iowa is now poised to settle the GOP nomination by handing the winner 21.7% of the vote. Yeah, our political system works just fine.

  12. Callyson

    "The Supreme Court can’t arbitrarily tell us what the law of the land is.”
    John Marshall is rising from the dead to bitch – slap Shelly as I type this…

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Now there's a TV series concept that might sell in this world of vampires and police officers with psychic powers: Historical figures come back from the dead and haunt (devour?) current day idiots who are trying to overturn the contributions they made.

  13. Negligently_Joe

    “The president can put abortion pills for girls 8 years of age, 11 years of age, on the bubblegum aisle,”

    I mean, it's not actually new that Republican candidates for higher office are just cold fucking making stuff up with no consequence whatsoever, but GG Obama: you are still getting blamed by republicans for policy you controversially decided not to implement. Hope it was worth it!

    Oh, and also, "abortion pills" just makes me want to punch an Anti-Woman Republican in the face, over and over and over again.

    1. CthuNHu

      Actually, Bachmann's telling the truth. Well, technically, he can't mandate that they be put specifically in the bubblegum aisle, since drugstore layout isn't under federal control (YET!!!), but yeah, he could allow stores to sell, over the counter, pills that extremists would call abortion pills. He could also bomb Andorra, declare hair gel a biohazard and/or a vegetable, and promote everyone in the Army named Richard to the rank of Major. Your point, Shelly?

        1. PalinzADummy

          I oughta know not to come read here before bedtime. Last night I was yakking with DerrickWildcat and had dreams of birds. Tonight, its youse guys and GG Allin, and sweet dreams of poo-flingin'.

          Thanks, y'all.

    2. Crank_Tango

      I think I have an idea we can all agree on–Abortion Gum!

      Reminds me how in school the teacher would yell at some kid for chewing gum and he would claim it was that aspir-gum, or whatever it was called. surely there is a market for abortion gum…

  14. Tommmcattt

    "Oh, there's nothing half-way,
    About the Iowa way to treat you
    When we treat you,
    Which we may not do at all!"

  15. user-of-owls

    I always have fun on exams in my intro class by asking the wee morons to list the three branches of US government and the powers granted to each respectively. Stupid assholes always say, "Supreme Court, interpret laws; Congress, make laws; and President, implement laws." Ha ha ha, trick question dingbats! All fucking THREE branches have, "that authority to make law." Just ask noted constitutional scholar and all around swell gal Ms. Bachmann! What a bunch of dicks those kids are.

    1. memzilla

      Regarding your nom de Wonquette, I'm starting to think the Mayans had it right, but I can't decide if it would be better to have the priests rip out the still-beating hearts of the loser candidates and sacrifice them to Kinich Ahau, or simply behead them for a few lively games of Pitz.

      Maybe I can haz both?

      1. user-of-owls

        Kinich Ahau: The Original OG

        And Pitz? Every bloody site from Idaho to Colombia has a court…every last one. The friend I go pyramid stomping with is convinced it's all a big scam, that no one has a fucking clue as to what they are. His theory is that the archeologists torched up a few blunts and said, "Maybe it's a ballcourt or something. Let's call it a ballcourt." Then the bought four kilos of cacahuates japoneses.

        Oh, the answer to your question? Yes.

        1. flamingpdog

          I've hung with archaeologists long enough to know that "ceremonial purposes" = "we haven't got a clue what it was for."

          1. user-of-owls

            One of the most hysterical markers I saw at an INAH site said, "The Maya are NOT descended from extraterrestrials!"

            It was quite thoughtfully translated into the local Mayan dialect as well.

          2. flamingpdog

            When I started my short-lived career as a pretend archaeologist many, many years ago, one of the first books I read reproduced a drawing of a "charmstone", which was described as having or likely having (I don't remember which) "ceremonial purposes". I looked at it and said to myself, "That's a fucking dildo!!"

  16. Guppy

    My personal fondness of vaginas notwithstanding…

    "the secular left which is desperately (…) desperately (…) desperately (…) The level of hysteria, I predict, will grow(.)"

    The only real "desperation" I'm seeing is from Newt's ilk, unless there really is a secret cabal seeking to mandate gay atheist marriage abortions for all.

    Though, upon reflection, I think I'd prefer the Democratic Party of Newt Gingrich's "Mind" than the one we're forced to deal with.

  17. chascates

    I have some sympathy for these poor, deluded wretches. They want someone to change their world, back to a time that never really existed, where white folk were in the majority, gayz and non-Christians were invisible, and their future was assumed to have no limit.
    They threw their hopes to billionaire airheads, political retreads, and the most far-right loons who believe America has become North Korea.
    And now the Rigid Rod of Reality is about to hit them and declare that Mitt Romney will lose to Obama in a nasty, close, and incredibly expensive political campaign.
    And we'll still be in Afghanistan, and the financial wizards will still screw us, and the ultra far-right will howl.
    Still, you take your hope in small doses.

    1. memzilla

      I believe the exact date they wish to return to would be July 4, 1956: white Christian majority, invisible gheys, good factory jerbs, Dixiecrats, tailfins, no Sputnik, no booze restrictions, no feminism, no pending civil rights bill, rotary phones…

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Stop your blood libel of Eisenhower. He never wanted to keep Sarah Palin from being Governor of the STATE of Alaska.

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        I was thinking 1856–back when you took the family for a Sunday picnic at the local weekly hanging, black people were always in fear for their lives and women were essentially chattel to be beat & repeatedly bred. Woo hoo!

    2. littlebigdaddy

      Sounds about right to me. Sad, deluded, respirator-dependent victims of an expensive but underperforming educational system. These are the people you see in Wal-Mart, just sort of aimlessly "window shopping" in their pajamas. I hope they die soon, but painlessly, because their lives are so fucking abysmal that they think Ron Paul is the answer to their problems.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        "…an expensive but underperforming educational system" that they will turn into an even more expensive and infinitely more underperforming educational system.

  18. user-of-owls

    "Desperately committed," Newt?

    All we've seen out of you is an abundance of the former and an absence of the latter.

    1. JustPixelz

      "Desperately committed" is another way to say "passionate" or describe someone acting from deeply held beliefs. But Newt is the last person to understand something like that, unless there's a paycheck or a blowjob in it for him.

    2. flamingpdog

      John Hinckley was desperately committed to St. Elizabeths in the early 80s. We can only hope for the same future for Newt.

  19. Callyson

    From HuffyPo:
    Santorum didn't specifically outline what he would do as president to defend Personhood legislation, but said that "irrespective of what the court does, you do what you do, and you fight!"
    His reaction to the court sounds like his reaction to the voters…

  20. Bluestatelibel

    I actually snorted when I read Rick Parry's line. The whole GOPeer Party needs to re-do third-grade geography. In a school run by nuns. Who like to whack the students a lot. HARD. Especially the really dumb ones, like the entire GOP field.

    1. littlebigdaddy

      Or, if they were especially naughty, fuck them up the ass repeatedly. I think this would explain a lot of the Gooper madness.

      1. vtxmcrider

        The thought of fucking any of them with my dick is unappealing. However, it would be fun to hand fuck all of them up the ass with a cactus.

    2. BelleSC

      I snorted and then emailed it to folks I knew would "get it" on the first read. I swear to God I think this is all one crazy LSD trip.

      Doesn't Bachmann know that the morning after pill costs around $50 and that a pharmacy wouldn't put it on the shelf anywhere?! You'd have to go to the counter and ask for it.

      Please just make this all be over soon. It was funny for a while. Now it's just painful especially when I think there is a very remote chance that one of these GOP idiots could win.

  21. chascates

    My understanding of the Free Trade Agreement is that we can legally compel Canada to sell us water at a low price. Once they get rid of Harper (I guess he's still PM or whatever) they may decide to secede from our Grand Alliance!

    1. ttommyunger

      When the Vegas mobsters and Angelinos start getting parched we'll see big trouble with our slow-living cousins to the North, youbetcha!

  22. boobookitteh

    In semi-related news, did you know Randall Terry is running for President? And that he's running ads on NH TV stations with footage of allegedly aborted fetuses? Ads so graphic, they have a Viewer Warning on before them? Ads so stupid and offensive that they ruined my 30 Rock rerun? Now that's some fricking commitment to the anti-abortion agenda. These other slackers got nuthin' on good ol' Randy.

    1. flamingpdog

      He running for the Demoncrat nomination, no less. And I've seen some of the graphics, and I bet sick bastards like Randall Terry fap to them, no snark.

  23. Goonemeritus

    As a proud member of the secular left I would like to state for the record the only thing I'm desperately committed to is seeing this pack of idiots sent home.

    1. user-of-owls

      He's rubber, he's glue, anything he says bounces off him and bounces back off him and bounces back off him and bounces back off him and bounces back off him…

      1. Biff

        I always wondered, since nothing sticks to teflon, how does it stick to the metal pan? Is antiromney a new element?

    2. BarackMyWorld

      What's weird to me is how Mitt and Newt are so busy accusing each other of flip-flopping, no one on the inside realizes it's actually the entire party that keeps changing its own positions in order to contrast itself with the president.

  24. sbj1964

    Mitt's plan as president is to sell off America's assets,layoff everyone;while making a profit for himself.

    1. user-of-owls

      You. That's right, you in the third row. What's your name? Is that meth you're inhaling? Did you bring enough for the whole class? Hmmm?

  25. Fukui_Jong-un

    Bachmann endorsing Paul? It seems unlikely – where did you get that from?

    Santorum, Bachmann and Perry are effectively the same candidate – fuckwits with a boner for jeebus. Couldn't see any of them endorsing anyone but one of the others.

    Of course, if Bachmann and Perry drop out and both endorse Santorum (or whichever damn 2-drop-and-pick-the-other choice happens) it leads to the delicious prospect of whichever freak they pick defeating Romney and Paul in the other primaries … and becoming the RNC nominee.

    1. imissopus

      What I'm reading is that her Iowa campaign manager quit to go work for Ron Paul. Maybe that got garbled by some media idiot into Bachman endorsing Paul.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Actually, the Paul Campaign paid him cash to go to work for them. The state GOP Chairman has stated that State Senator Sorensen has committed political suicide with his move.
        Highly unlikely. Now the lobbyists know who to funnel "campaign funds" too.

    1. Fukui_Jong-un

      I read that as "Daft Victoria Jackson", but like yours better.

      BTW have you seen her awesome new show "Politichicks"? It's where four women of various high levels of insanity don't like gays and muslims.

      First episode – "gays, muslims and gay muslims" (I didn't make that up) is here

  26. MilwaukeeKent

    Given this field, with Romney and Huntsman the only sane ones in the bunch and absolutely unwanted by the GOP base, it is just amazing that so many Americans still vote Republican. I'm not saying half the American people are stupid, I'm saying half the population isn't stupid. The average IQ is about 100, same as anywhere else in the world.
    A lot of people who make less than a 250k seem to vote GOP for one of three reasons: the GOP will end abortion cuz "Democrats kill babies", the GOP makes dog-whistle noises about suppressing minorities ("those people") or because the GOP might give them a pony (authoritarian-submissives). If we're stuck with a two-party system, one of the parties can't be insane but here we are.

    1. yyyaz

      Yes, here we are: where the allegedly sane party drops trou' and grabs its ankles to appease the insane one. Stockholm Syndrome? Masochism? Co-dependence? Bad c hildhood? Conjoined twins? Or just plain cowardice?

  27. Radiotherapy

    Umm, I know there's a shitload of stupid to wade through here, but do 8 and 11 year old girls, i.e. pre-pubescent, even need birth control? The stupid is heavy metal dense.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Republicans like 'em young, and related. So, you know, we can't let those knocked up little sluts have access to any kind of birth control! Who will give birth to the next generation of sister cousins?

    2. CthuNHu

      They do when Newt's in town.

      Rick Perry? Not so much. They just have to put up with him when he crashes their tea parties.

  28. anniegetyerfun

    Actually, as a liberal, I am deeply committed to gay marriage, abortions for all, and driving God out of public life. So, yeah. I have no problem with that description.

    On a related note, I don't believe for a second that Newt believes in God. Not for a fucking second.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Actually… I am deeply committed … I have no problem with that description.

      Operative word from Newty is "desperately" committed — the modifier is specifically intended for red-alert connotation, a buzzword to stir the hornet's nest of ill. If there were anything 'deep' about commitment worthwhile for him to keep jawing about, Newt would still be searching ass-over-elbows for it, as he doesn't tread well beyond the shallow end.

  29. iburl

    You see, the way it works is that the oil barons/cartels/kingpins/crime lords TAKE whatever oil they want from wherever they can get it, and then SELL it to whoever pays the most on the international markets. In other words, just because it comes from Alaska Wilderness preserves, or the Florida Everglades, or Teddy Roosevelt's forehead on Mount Rushmore, doesn't mean it belongs to "US".

    You would think the one thing that Republicans would understand would be that the rapacious self-interests of the International Oil Cartels are far above any particular so-called national interests to use sochalizm to "lower the price at teh pump".

  30. JustPixelz

    These guys hate regulations and laws and judges, but without those mechanisms juries — juries! for god's sake — decide where the boundaries of responsibility lie. Better to let twelve people with plenty spare time make these decisions than elected officials who can be held accountable.

  31. chascates

    Former Wonkette editor Jason Linkins:
    Newt Gingrich Promises To Create 'Millions Of Jobs Right Now
    In the latest campaign ad from Newt Gingrich, God of Carnage, the former House Speaker says that "we can create millions of jobs right now." Is this to be achieved by Gingrich hiring one million people to manufacture and market "Ellis The Elephant" merchandise? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/28/newt-gin

  32. Mumbletypeg

    From each according to its own pedigreed Christian name-brand, i.e. lore heralded as fact; to each according to its own interpretation of the Constitution, an increasingly popular source of fiction.
    Somewhere, a libertarian utopi-idealogue is slacking on the proposed island-outpost solution that could sequester these snakes before they devour their own tails, which would initially seem fun to watch but the fallout could be toxic enough to exceed my lethal limit.

    1. Radiotherapy

      Let's not forget they have their Libtard utopia — see sub-saharan Africa. Low taxes, minimal government, entrepreneurship flourishing (pirates)….

      1. poncho_pilot

        i was thinking about that last night for a laugh when i realized something: there are too many black people in Africa for any but the most stalwart libertarians. i think the Tea Party types would recoil at the idea. so we'd lose maybe 300 annoying people to emigration. besides, hover rounds would be expensive to ship and a lot of them would already have to pay for two seats per person on a plane.

        p.s. and the libertarians would bring their computers because they actually live on the internet so if they managed to get a good set up for that we'd still have to deal with Paultard trolls.

        1. Radiotherapy

          I was thinking about that further today. I think chascates posted some link to Blightfart and I actually went over there *gag* for the first time in a long time.. Anyway, it seems once Ken took the downfist off our options the trolls have gone away — including the Paultards. Over there they have a cadre of "trolls" who populate every thread, and with simple, point-of fact rebuttal — and, often times, humor.
          ♪ ♫ Where have all the Paultards gone,
          Long time passing ♪ ♫

  33. Fukui_Jong-un

    I'm actually quite enjoying free republic at the moment. They're melting down bigtime

    * Anything which hurts any candidate (except Mint) is a plot by The Evul Milt (not that they're paranoid)

    * Bachmann is either the best on policy or a lunatic

    * Santorum is the new Reagan (srsly)

    * Gingrich is either a complete git or the real new Reagan

    * Ruck Purruh is much loved but doesn't seem to have a chance unless he does

    * the usual Ron Paul stuff

    1. user-of-owls

      They really are cute when they're mortally terrified. It brings out the childlike sense of fucking hate and paranoia in them.

    2. BarackMyWorld

      Obviously they got it wrong…

      * Mitt is the new Thomas Dewey.

      * Newt is the new Spiro Agnew.

      * Ron Paul is the new Pat Buchanan.

      * Rick Perry is the new Barney Fife.

      * Bachmann is the new Sue Ann Nivens.

      * Santorum is just the same old Santorum.

    3. Redhead

      "Santorum is the new Reagan (srsly) "

      Kinda ironic, given Wonkette's recent headline about Reagan apparently enjoying some closeted santorum…

  34. MilwaukeeKent

    It was her campaign manager quitting to work for Paul, Ol' Crazy Eyes is in it to win it, she won't quit until after the Canada primary.

  35. SheriffRoscoe

    "…desperately committed to marriage between same-sex couples becoming legitimized as if they were the same between traditional marriage between a man and a woman,…"

    traditional marriage between a man and a woman, followed by another woman, then followed by a third woman…and then maybe a fourth……then a fifth…..


    1. SheriffRoscoe

      I just realized I did a piss-poor job of editing the original quote, but hopefully you all got my point!

      1. Negropolis

        Gawd I hate that dude, but only because you can change him out for practically any of the 30-and-40-something young-gun reporters they are trying to sell as "journalists" these days. He's most maddening of all on television when he's invited on to given an opinion, but can't bring himself to actually give one for fear of appearing biased. Then don't go on the fucking show, dude.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Reports in Iowa are that Michele Bachmann is being encouraged to drop out of the race so as not to split the evangelical vote between her and Santorum.
      So at the last, the Xtians show their true colors and are telling Michele she needs to stay in the kitchen, this is a job for menfolk.

      1. PalinzADummy

        Late last night I heard a rumour on the Intertoobz that she had already done so. But it turned out to be a head-fake: her campaign director in IA (a rabid Paulturd, by the sound of him) defected to the Ron Paul camp; and I guess the hopeful took that as a sign that the dingbat would finally take the hint and leave quietly. But, like all her teabaggin' friends, I suspect Michele won't go quietly. She'll make a terrible racket as they drag her off the floor. Ahh, schadenfreude!

  36. El Pinche

    Bubblegum aisle? Is this 1952?

    "What's next?? Your slave will be slipping that Mrs. Swansons Old Time Abortion Elixir into your daughters pantaloons! " (if you remember, "slaves" are black people in that old America we grew up in)

    1. finallyhappy

      what I find amazing is that anyone who really has any religion would believe that God would speak to these people. But then I hear so much crap spouted by so called religious people. After some old bat told me how HOMOSEXUALS are evil in the bible- I asked her about eating cheeseburgers or lobster and told her that the Bible says those are wrong. She started shrieking -it doesn't say that, the BOOK doesn't say that. I told her to read the Book instead of listening to her preacher. I really hope that all of these people who claim to believe this crap do burn in their own Hell. As for me, I will become compost and go nowhere.

      1. DaRooster

        "As for me, I will become compost and go nowhere."

        … but it doesn't hurt to know where the answers are… you know… just incase.

  37. DaRooster

    "Let's see… Hubba Bubba… Extra Sugar Free… Trident… Bubble Yum… there it is… Plan B…. hooray… I am 8 and not pregnant now!"

  38. Jukesgrrl

    Kinda OT: From the 10 p.m. news on my Arizona TV, a segment showing self-proclaimed Super-Sheriff Joe Arpaio helpfully campaigning for Rick Perry by calling the Hawkeye State the Buckeye State. Jeers from the Iowa audience and frantic whispers to Ole Joe from his handler. Joe'd be funny if he weren't so dangerous.

    1. fartknocker

      That crusty old bastard has so fucked up Maricopa County with his false charges and his jailers. Between his command staff being fired, Andy Thomas about to be disbarred, and DOJ knocking the shit out of him for civil rights violations, the flaccid fool should be nothing more than a Walmart Greeter. The fact that he's campaigning for Gubnor Goodhair is just one more nail in Rick's coffin.

  39. donner_froh

    What you have is the secular left, which has been using the courts to replace the America we grew up in

    In the American that Newt grew up in, black people were terrorized if they tried to vote, unwanted pregnancies meant unwanted children and gay people went to prison.

    Fuck you, Newt.

    1. V572 the Merciless

      Negroes knew their place; if they forgot it you could remind them with the occasional lynching. The dames knew their place; those who didn't got blamed for the rape. Poor people died for lack of medical care because really there wasn't much beyond Band-aids, splints and pills. And the gays? — don't ask. Foreigners knew their place and if they forgot it we bombed them. It was such a happy time for white middle-class-and-above men. They want it back, and Newt, Ron, the Ricks and Miche1e (and Mittens too, really) promise to give it to them.

      Oh, and there were only three teevee channels, too. Much less confusing.

        1. V572 the Merciless

          They should have compromised between those who wanted to keep African-American churches open and those who wanted to burn them down. But no, the radicals had to ruin it!

  40. DerrickWildcat

    “The president can put abortion pills for girls 8 years of age, 11 years of age, on the bubblegum aisle,”

    Abortion Pills is not a very good name for a product. They should probably get a new Ad-Agency and Re-Launch.

        1. finallyhappy

          whoa, Abby and Ann lived in Iowa- how quickly did they get out? I mean, we Jews don't do well among corn people.

  41. Negropolis

    What you have is the secular left, which has been using the courts to replace the America we grew up in…

    Translation: The America where women submitted to their husbands, gays hadn't been invented yet, and certain other people knew their place…you know, Real America.

    Fuck you, Newton, you fat-bellied, forked tongue, short-armed skink bastard.

    The Supreme Court can’t arbitrarily tell us what the law of the land is.”

    The stupid; she burns! We are so gonna win this thing, next year.

  42. bflrtsplk

    No more jokes about the dog strapped to the roof of the car. OK, one more: Can't wait to see the Mittster riding up Pennsylvania Avenue with the Muttster tied atop the presidential limo. That's all folks.

  43. sbj1964

    PRESIDENT OBAMA 2012 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUCK ON IT GOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 MORE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND ALL THE FASCIST FOX NEWS WATCHING BUTT MONKEYS !!!!!!!!!!!HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  44. freakishlywrong

    Watching the pundits analyze and break all this nonsense down and try to present it as serious "news" is getting tedious as fuck, y'all. Here's my advice: pick up turd, polish it, pick up next turd, polish that. Repeat; ad nauseum. For eleven fucking more months, my friends.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      At the risk of stating the obvious: the poll trend shifting *away* from Newt-approval says less about respondents' scruples than it indicates they're just as avid consumers of gossip & scandal (given the timing w/ the latest from Wife #1) as the rest of us heathens.
      And I'd add, "how fickle," but it's such a flawed pool of candidates to choose from, the word fickle in this case seems misappropriated; "Fickle" wishes for its earlier salad days when irony wasn't dead yet.
      In any case, if I turn on NPR one more time to hear them polishing the turds so you speak — detailing careful analysis of the latest jump or slump in polls per Newt/Perry / Mitt , as if each development's significance was so thick they can chew on it like bad actors on scenery — I'm gonna go bitchcakes.

  45. dinkybossetti

    “Every barrel of oil that comes out of those sands in Canada is a barrel of oil that we don’t have to buy from a foreign source."

    Canada isn't foreign anymore? This is fantastic news! I'm telling my husband to cancel his green card application and get our money back!

  46. SorosBot

    "they are suddenly faced with the possibility that we the people are going to take back our authority, that we are going to take back our rights"

    And that, Newt, is why non-evil people hate you; because you and your base are determined to take back the rights from all women, black and brown people, gay people, and non-Christians, and remake this country into one where straight, white Christian men have rights. As you point out, liberals want to make sure that abortion remains legalized, same sex marriage has the same legitimacy as marriage between a man and a woman, and god is left out of the public sphere – all things that anyone with basic human decency supports, and only pure evil trolls like you, Newty, oppose.

  47. chascates

    Mathematics on Drudge's hede:
    'Middle-class warrior' dines on bacon-wrapped pork — for $260…

    Mathematics in actual article in WashPost:
    “The Obama party had a special 5-course tasting menu for $75 a person, $105 per person with wine pairings for each course," according to the pool report. "Highlights include "Sassey Salad" and bacon wrapped pork loin,”

    1. Negropolis

      This reminds me of when the KKK endorsed Michigan's affirmative action ban a week before the vote…and the thing still passed in a year in which the Democratic governor won reelection and the party took back the state house.

  48. chascates

    In the 'Never Say Die' realm:

    "All I can tell you is what I'm seeing on the ground is remarkable and I think that I will be that nominee because the country needs a strong woman, just like in 1980, we needed Ronald Reagan. Britain needed a Margaret Thatcher. I intend to be America's Iron Lady and the strong principled conservative woman that America needs right now to get the economy back," Bachmann told FOX News.
    –Today's RawStory.org

    The top Iowa adviser to Representative Michele Bachmann of Minnesota announced Wednesday night that he was jumping ship to support the candidacy of Representative Ron Paul of Texas.
    Kent Sorenson, a state legislator who has been at Mrs. Bachmann’s side for months, made his decision in the closing days of the Iowa caucus campaign. It was a significant blow to Mrs. Bachmann, who has struggled to regain the fleeting summertime glory of winning the Iowa straw poll.
    –Today's NY Times

    1. SorosBot

      Strange that she thinks Britain and the US "needed" two horrible, horrible people who ruined both countries.

  49. prommie

    When they talk about those out-of-control courts rampaging about and us lefties using the courts and lawsuits to destroy Amurrica's traditional values, they carefully leave out that little thing back in the '50s, that Brown v. Topeka thingie, with the out of control courts and the lefty lawyers challenging the traditional notion that negroes are an inferior race, to be carefully kept apart from the whites (they have these unnatural appetities, too, and cannot control themselves among the white women!). But really, aren't all these other complaints just proxies for their real issue with the liberals and the courts, that we forced negroes down their throats?

  50. Tundra Grifter

    What in the name of G-d is "Personhood legislation?"

    I just don't think it is right that a fetus can make a campaign contribution.

  51. chascates

    Ellis the elephant 'saved' Newt Gingrich
    “The months of June and July were the hardest in my career,” he told me. “You had people you thought you knew and you liked, at places like Fox News, asserting enthusiastically that you were dead. Not sadly — enthusiastically, happily.” He sipped his coffee but looked as if it tasted bitter. “One of the things that actually saved us,” Gingrich told me, “in addition to Callista’s stubbornness, was Ellis the elephant.”
    “Happy, positive,” Gingrich replied, searching for the right words. “Interesting. Creative. It gave you an oasis psychologically. Literally, Ellis was sort of a ray of light.”

    NY Times magazine via Politico.

  52. Redhead

    Since when does a group of voters who cannot muster the majority of votes (or the common sense) needed to make changes throwing a temper tantrum equal a majority of Americans taking back their rights from evil lawyers (????? Are all Muslims and Godless heathens suddenly taking the bar exam?)

  53. owhatever

    Iowa, I don't care about you anymore. At least not in that way, you know? Elect one of these knuckle-draggers and get it over with will ya, so they can get on down to South Carolina, where the real fun begins.

  54. ttommyunger

    I deleted the erroneous comment I made earlier about Bachmann endorsing Ron Paul. I am an idiot and should be more careful in my reading. Sorry, I'll try and do better.

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