POLL PR0N  8:09 pm December 28, 2011

Romney Leads in Iowa; Other GOP Idiots Promise To Burn Constitution

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Nearing the end of the beginning of the end, or something.Uh-oh, that thing that no one thought would happen but secretly knew was going to happen has finally HAPPENED, folks: Mitt Romney is leading in a new poll out of Iowa. Great. Iowa has lost its sense of humor just in time for the caucuses. “Political wisdom,” which is an oxymoron, has it that Romney is finally at the top of the trash heap because weepy evangelical voters are fighting among each other over who of the remaining candidates (not counting Ron Paul or Jon Huntsman, duh) qualifies as the most theocratically-inclined would-be dictator bigot of all. Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry and Rick Santorum all KNOW THIS, so they are working extra super double hard at the crazy in these final days before the caucuses.

Just look at the hilarious catalogue of totally insane positions that Iowa Republican voters are increasingly turning down, right now! Last night the Not-Romney club of dingbats got together for a “tele-townhall” to discuss their promises to rip apart and set fire to America’s legal system, because of vaginas:

“The president can put abortion pills for girls 8 years of age, 11 years of age, on the bubblegum aisle,” Bachmann continued, apparently in reference to a recommendation by the FDA that the morning after pill be available over the counter, which both the administration and Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius recently rejected.

Asked how she would react were the Supreme Court to strike down Personhood legislation, Bachmann said, “Congress and the president need to retake back their power and authority and resubmit legislation and work it through … The Supreme Court can’t arbitrarily tell us what the law of the land is.” The other two branches of government should “reclaim that authority to make law,” she added.

Yes, Congress should finally retake back their resubmission powers of back-taking. WHUT. Oh oh oh, hang on a second, most smartest person ever Newt Gingrich will follow up to clarify all this stuff, about vaginas:

What you have is the secular left, which has been using the courts to replace the America we grew up in, the secular left which is desperately committed to Roe v. Wade and abortion, desperately committed to marriage between same-sex couples becoming legitimized as if they were the same between traditional marriage between a man and a woman, desperately committed to driving God out of public life, and they are suddenly faced with the possibility that we the people are going to take back our authority, that we are going to take back our rights, that we are going to redress the balance. The level of hysteria, I predict, will grow as they come to realize at the American Bar Association and elsewhere that this really is an effort to limit the power of lawyers to redesign America.

DAMN LAWYERS’ ASSOCIATIONS and their librul conspiracies to fart on the Constitution.

Rick Perry also yakked about vaginas, with disdain, some awful thing along the lines of “I have finally seen God’s light and I am prepared to throw women who need abortions for medical reasons in jail, to rot” or whatever, but we liked this quote about how the United States has already annexed Canada in Rick Perry’s mind even better:

“Every barrel of oil that comes out of those sands in Canada is a barrel of oil that we don’t have to buy from a foreign source,” Mr. Perry said in Clarinda, earning a loud round of enthusiastic applause.

Santorum probably also said some insane stuff, but we are mostly just disappointed that the poll shows him in third place and no one in the WUSS MEDIA has put out a “Santorum explodes into top-tier of candidates” headline. COME ON. [TIME/ HuffPo/ Right Wing Watch/ NYT]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 281 comments }

littlebigdaddy December 28, 2011 at 8:14 pm

It is the much anticipated "Santorum spurt." Eww.

memzilla December 28, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Even worse when they throw in the towel afterwards. Yargh.

gullywompr December 28, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Clearly, a Santorum Surge in Iowa is a secret plot of the Obama administration to convince the right to reverse their stand on FEMA.

littlebigdaddy December 28, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Needz moar squeegies.

anniegetyerfun December 28, 2011 at 9:49 pm

That's not a Santorum bump! That's a genital wart.

Spurning Beer December 28, 2011 at 11:11 pm

Santorum is coming from behind.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 29, 2011 at 2:17 am

Just heard breathlessly on FOX News: "Santorum is Surging!"

Gleem_McShineys December 29, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Marcus Bachmann was very shaken to hear this news, and spoke to the campaign manager to try and make sure he was never ever again to be photographed from the back.

tcaalaw December 29, 2011 at 9:02 am

Anticipated or dreaded?

littlebigdaddy December 29, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Exactly.

memzilla December 28, 2011 at 8:16 pm

I love how Gingrich, Bachmann, Santorum, and Perry are all complaining about how Virginia won't put them in its primary, because of Virginia's State's Right to make its own rules about these things.

And the first one to run to the Federal Courts with a lawsuit is Rick "Secede From Teh Yoonyun" Goodhair Perry, followed by Newt "Too Many Activist Judges" Gingrich.

Negligently_Joe December 28, 2011 at 8:39 pm

I'm still trying to figure out how they're suing based on anything other than, "That law's only there for those other peasants, not me."

memzilla December 28, 2011 at 8:42 pm

It's all about Jerb Creation… their own.

user-of-owls December 28, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Oh, it's precious. Gingrich is saying he would have had 11,500 signatures, or 1,500 more than he needed. Except one of his hired signature getterers committed fraud and made up all his signatures. How many would those be Newt? Fifteen hundred, by gum!

Ha ha. HA HA HA! Foist by his own fucking ACORN canard!

Negligently_Joe December 28, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Once again, though. All the WI recall folks, not to mention every two-bit activist I went to college with, knew you weren't safe unless you had half again the number of signatures required. And ideally, twice as many as you needed. If there's 10,000 required, you're supposed to aim for at least 15,000. See the Scott Walker recall petitions, for an illustration of this principle at work.

This really is inexcusable amateurishness. Unless, of course, Newt was caught off-guard by the fact that people were taking his candidacy seriously, rather than treating it like the for-profit money-making venture that he clearly was. Because, in that case, I could understand where there might have been a sudden time crunch getting those signatures.

memzilla December 28, 2011 at 9:14 pm

For Virginia, I heard (PBS?) that the hangup is the that the person generating the petition has to be a registered voter in the state of Virginia. You can't just be a staffer flying in to do it.

user-of-owls December 28, 2011 at 11:01 pm

This is why I said it was "precious." It had nothing whatever to do with money or time crunches. It was pure unmitigated hubris. "Ha ha, I, The Mighty Mealworm don't need excess signatures like mere mortals!"

The only surprise is he didn't order the whole enterprise shut down at exactly 10K signatures. I just giggle like a schoolgirl every time I think about it. So many layers within layers of fail!

Tundra Grifter December 28, 2011 at 9:10 pm

UoO:

Perhaps Ole Newt's campaign didn't have the cash to hire professional signature gatherers. Perhaps they went with "a-dime-a-sign" when the going rate was more like a buck?

That's the free market giving him a big bite in his big rear end.

starfanglednut December 28, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Ah, but 11,500 – 1,500 still leaves the required 10,000, so it should be no….

math is hard!

PalinzADummy December 29, 2011 at 1:50 am

See, when you start telling lies that involve math, you have to kinda know math.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 29, 2011 at 2:31 am

Clearly, while the 10th Amendment should keep you from having to share a bathroom with black people, or let the Ghayez engage in sodomy, or let a women control her body, it has no place getting in the way of a politician's ego.

dadanarchist December 28, 2011 at 8:17 pm

The GOP is so anti-abortion that I anticipate that soon GOoPy candidates will advocate the forced impregnation of any woman of breeding age who isn't already pregnant.

Unless of course you are a Mooslim or Mehican or a Negro – then free abortions and sterilization for all!

finallyhappy December 28, 2011 at 8:29 pm

The Handmaids Tale- not far from reality

flamingpdog December 28, 2011 at 10:43 pm

… then forced abortions and sterilization for all!

/fixed (in more ways than one)

PalinzADummy December 29, 2011 at 1:51 am

They tried the "free sterilization" part from the '40s right on through the 70s, IIRC.

Texan_Bulldog December 28, 2011 at 8:19 pm

Have to fix Newt's quote: "…as if they were the same between traditional marriage between a man and a woman and a woman and a woman."

memzilla December 28, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Newt is a firm believer in family values — he's had three of them.

PalinzADummy December 29, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Three values? Or … no, really, I was just *kidding*.

CapeClod December 29, 2011 at 8:48 am

Yes, liberals are trying to "replace the country we grew up in," where serial adultery wasn't frowned upon.

Joshua Norton December 28, 2011 at 8:20 pm

I also heard Santorum has taken a lead. Given the way the top names bounce around, this must be how a typical Repug phone poll goes:

Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?
Who do you like now?

You can take off the big red rubber noses, the funny yellow shoes and the makeup but they are all still a bunch of clowns.

PrimlyStable December 28, 2011 at 9:17 pm

CLOWN LIBEL.

PrimlyStable December 28, 2011 at 8:21 pm

"The Supreme Court can’t arbitrarily tell us what the law of the land is.”

Isn't that kind of their job?

MozakiBlocks December 28, 2011 at 9:21 pm

That's what I learnt in school. But then again education is for elitists.

caitifty December 29, 2011 at 12:06 am

Shh, you'll wreck the fun..

Bonghits4Jesus December 29, 2011 at 1:35 am

Only kind of… Clarence Thomas is too busy taking bribes to write any opinions.

emmelemm December 29, 2011 at 3:57 am

Checks. Balances. LOL whut??

Schmegeg December 28, 2011 at 8:21 pm

The ABA is liberal. Now that is funny. Two tickets to an Aegean vacation for the Newt and whoever he is boning this week.

WIDTAP December 28, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Nate Silver has already debunked the CNN "Romney to win Iowa" poll.

Only Nate can make the numbers fuck, turn over, and fuck again.

johnnyzhivago December 28, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Nixon's the ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LibrulEleet December 28, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Now more than ever.

flamingpdog December 28, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Miche1e's campaign will finally crash when Marcus leaves her for zombie Nixon.

Jukesgrrl December 28, 2011 at 11:47 pm

Click with Dick.

Oblios_Cap December 29, 2011 at 8:22 am

He's too CREEP-y for this bunch.

bureaucrap December 29, 2011 at 9:26 am

That's what Bebe the Bozo said.

chicken_thief December 29, 2011 at 10:13 am

Nixon is too freakin RADICAL soshulis for this bunch – he'd have to do the Romney two step to walk his proposal for universal coverage back just like Mittens himself and Newt the Endorser of Communist coverage.

gullywompr December 28, 2011 at 8:27 pm

♪♫ Bomb bomb bomb
Bomb bomb Canada ♪♫

Rotundo_ December 28, 2011 at 8:28 pm

"Santorum Makes Come From Behind Miracle Happen". Will the AP, Reuters or FoxSnooze drop this headline?

ThundercatHo December 28, 2011 at 9:10 pm

Win!

Carrabuda December 28, 2011 at 9:53 pm

"Santorum Makes Comeback"?

flamingpdog December 28, 2011 at 10:47 pm

"Santorum Atop Latest Pole".

CthuNHu December 28, 2011 at 10:51 pm

"Santorum comes from behind, lapped by Romney; Paul struggles, fails to make #2."

Bonghits4Jesus December 29, 2011 at 1:37 am

"Santorum slides ahead after Hail Mary pass!"

KenLayIsAlive December 29, 2011 at 2:16 am

"Santorum makes name for himself as he slides into Romney's spot and comes in #2."

johnnyzhivago December 28, 2011 at 8:29 pm

MSNBC: "Santorum is Surging"

Someone grab a towel!!!!!

Negligently_Joe December 28, 2011 at 8:37 pm

Courtesy of Weigel, on twitter: "Surging Santorum Gushes over Poll Numbers"

Whatever happened to that guy, anyway?

Harry_S_Truman December 28, 2011 at 8:40 pm

Santorummentum?

flamingpdog December 28, 2011 at 10:48 pm

or a trowel!

Barb December 28, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Man, these jag offs will do anything to keep from discussing job creation.

memzilla December 28, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Unless the job creation is their own.

VinnyThePooh December 28, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Ya gotta be from da 'Burgh.

Jukesgrrl December 28, 2011 at 11:49 pm

Yunz too? Happy holidays 'n 'at.

ManchuCandidate December 28, 2011 at 8:34 pm

It's the "Life Of Brian" except it's real life. For some reason it isn't as funny as the movie.

memzilla December 28, 2011 at 8:37 pm

I know… I keep trying to Look On The Bright Side Of Life.

starfanglednut December 28, 2011 at 9:22 pm

They are such a bunch of Bigus Dickuses.

yyyaz December 28, 2011 at 10:06 pm

They wish they were a Bigus Dickus. Five will get you ten that the group average is much closer to a cocktail weenie than a Rubirosa.

flamingpdog December 28, 2011 at 10:50 pm

If the Republicans were going to base their nomination on dick size, Ann Coulter would be the front-runner.

finallyhappy December 28, 2011 at 8:35 pm

Iowa – why does anyone care???? We never care about Iowa at any other time. Or actually as Democrats- we don't care.

memzilla December 28, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Whaddya mean, we only care about Iowa for two months out of every 48? It's the nation's leading pork producer! BACON LIBEL!!1!!!

Biff December 28, 2011 at 8:53 pm

I've switched to Wright Brand bacon, from Arkansas. Better class of pigs in Arkansas.

PalinzADummy December 29, 2011 at 2:01 am

Where's Baconzgood when ya NEEDZ him?

Naked_Bunny December 29, 2011 at 9:19 am

If it weren't for corn syrup, what would Americans eat?

Come here a minute December 28, 2011 at 8:38 pm

The Santorum will be running nonstop until caucus night. Rick doesn't have to worry about spreading himself too thin, because FROTHINESS.

user-of-owls December 28, 2011 at 8:39 pm

“The president can put abortion pills for girls 8 years of age, 11 years of age, on the bubblegum aisle,” Bachmann continued

Oooh, wait 'til Bazooka Joe hears about this!

anniegetyerfun December 28, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Oh, man, I always loved picking my abortion pills in the bubblegum aisle as a kid! Some of them came with jokes on the wrappers, and others with stick-on tattoos!

user-of-owls December 28, 2011 at 11:41 pm

I used to love blowing huge bubbles and then popping them with a pin. Just like when you suck the brains out of a throbbing wet sentient fetus! Yay!

Jukesgrrl December 28, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Does One L know she could get something ribbed for her pleasure there, too?

dinkybossetti December 29, 2011 at 9:02 am

I just want to know why the president is stocking shelves at the drug store.

Harry_S_Truman December 28, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Iowa is now poised to settle the GOP nomination by handing the winner 21.7% of the vote. Yeah, our political system works just fine.

Callyson December 28, 2011 at 8:40 pm

"The Supreme Court can’t arbitrarily tell us what the law of the land is.”
John Marshall is rising from the dead to bitch – slap Shelly as I type this…

Jukesgrrl December 28, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Now there's a TV series concept that might sell in this world of vampires and police officers with psychic powers: Historical figures come back from the dead and haunt (devour?) current day idiots who are trying to overturn the contributions they made.

HistoriCat December 30, 2011 at 10:05 pm

I would watch the shit out of that.

Negligently_Joe December 28, 2011 at 8:42 pm

“The president can put abortion pills for girls 8 years of age, 11 years of age, on the bubblegum aisle,”

I mean, it's not actually new that Republican candidates for higher office are just cold fucking making stuff up with no consequence whatsoever, but GG Obama: you are still getting blamed by republicans for policy you controversially decided not to implement. Hope it was worth it!

Oh, and also, "abortion pills" just makes me want to punch an Anti-Woman Republican in the face, over and over and over again.

CthuNHu December 28, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Actually, Bachmann's telling the truth. Well, technically, he can't mandate that they be put specifically in the bubblegum aisle, since drugstore layout isn't under federal control (YET!!!), but yeah, he could allow stores to sell, over the counter, pills that extremists would call abortion pills. He could also bomb Andorra, declare hair gel a biohazard and/or a vegetable, and promote everyone in the Army named Richard to the rank of Major. Your point, Shelly?

horsedreamer_1 December 28, 2011 at 11:39 pm

I'm now imagining the President as GG Allin. So — thanks, I guess.

PalinzADummy December 29, 2011 at 2:04 am

I oughta know not to come read here before bedtime. Last night I was yakking with DerrickWildcat and had dreams of birds. Tonight, its youse guys and GG Allin, and sweet dreams of poo-flingin'.

Thanks, y'all.

tcaalaw December 29, 2011 at 9:04 am

and promote everyone in the Army named Richard to the rank of Major.

Major Dick?

Crank_Tango December 28, 2011 at 11:42 pm

I think I have an idea we can all agree on–Abortion Gum!

Reminds me how in school the teacher would yell at some kid for chewing gum and he would claim it was that aspir-gum, or whatever it was called. surely there is a market for abortion gum…

Barrelhse December 29, 2011 at 12:24 am

I'll hold her while you punch.

Tommmcattt December 28, 2011 at 8:44 pm

"Oh, there's nothing half-way,
About the Iowa way to treat you
When we treat you,
Which we may not do at all!"

Biff December 28, 2011 at 8:45 pm

It's over, Paul ftw!

user-of-owls December 28, 2011 at 8:46 pm

I always have fun on exams in my intro class by asking the wee morons to list the three branches of US government and the powers granted to each respectively. Stupid assholes always say, "Supreme Court, interpret laws; Congress, make laws; and President, implement laws." Ha ha ha, trick question dingbats! All fucking THREE branches have, "that authority to make law." Just ask noted constitutional scholar and all around swell gal Ms. Bachmann! What a bunch of dicks those kids are.

starfanglednut December 28, 2011 at 9:18 pm

I wish my professors were cool enough to hang out on wonkette.

And if they are, I hope they don't figure out who starfanglednut is.

flamingpdog December 28, 2011 at 10:55 pm

I'd give you an Anal or a Buttsechs in my class, if I had one.

PalinzADummy December 29, 2011 at 2:11 am

We'd never tell.

memzilla December 28, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Regarding your nom de Wonquette, I'm starting to think the Mayans had it right, but I can't decide if it would be better to have the priests rip out the still-beating hearts of the loser candidates and sacrifice them to Kinich Ahau, or simply behead them for a few lively games of Pitz.

Maybe I can haz both?

user-of-owls December 28, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Kinich Ahau: The Original OG

And Pitz? Every bloody site from Idaho to Colombia has a court…every last one. The friend I go pyramid stomping with is convinced it's all a big scam, that no one has a fucking clue as to what they are. His theory is that the archeologists torched up a few blunts and said, "Maybe it's a ballcourt or something. Let's call it a ballcourt." Then the bought four kilos of cacahuates japoneses.

Oh, the answer to your question? Yes.

flamingpdog December 28, 2011 at 10:59 pm

I've hung with archaeologists long enough to know that "ceremonial purposes" = "we haven't got a clue what it was for."

user-of-owls December 28, 2011 at 11:30 pm

One of the most hysterical markers I saw at an INAH site said, "The Maya are NOT descended from extraterrestrials!"

It was quite thoughtfully translated into the local Mayan dialect as well.

Guppy December 28, 2011 at 8:49 pm

My personal fondness of vaginas notwithstanding…

"the secular left which is desperately (…) desperately (…) desperately (…) The level of hysteria, I predict, will grow(.)"

The only real "desperation" I'm seeing is from Newt's ilk, unless there really is a secret cabal seeking to mandate gay atheist marriage abortions for all.

Though, upon reflection, I think I'd prefer the Democratic Party of Newt Gingrich's "Mind" than the one we're forced to deal with.

chascates December 28, 2011 at 8:50 pm

I have some sympathy for these poor, deluded wretches. They want someone to change their world, back to a time that never really existed, where white folk were in the majority, gayz and non-Christians were invisible, and their future was assumed to have no limit.
They threw their hopes to billionaire airheads, political retreads, and the most far-right loons who believe America has become North Korea.
And now the Rigid Rod of Reality is about to hit them and declare that Mitt Romney will lose to Obama in a nasty, close, and incredibly expensive political campaign.
And we'll still be in Afghanistan, and the financial wizards will still screw us, and the ultra far-right will howl.
Still, you take your hope in small doses.

memzilla December 28, 2011 at 8:56 pm

I believe the exact date they wish to return to would be July 4, 1956: white Christian majority, invisible gheys, good factory jerbs, Dixiecrats, tailfins, no Sputnik, no booze restrictions, no feminism, no pending civil rights bill, rotary phones…

Biff December 28, 2011 at 9:05 pm

No Alaska or Hawaii Statehood…

horsedreamer_1 December 28, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Stop your blood libel of Eisenhower. He never wanted to keep Sarah Palin from being Governor of the STATE of Alaska.

Jukesgrrl December 28, 2011 at 11:56 pm

And many of them believe Hawaii STILL isn't a state … or actually is part of Africa or something.

Texan_Bulldog December 28, 2011 at 9:20 pm

I was thinking 1856–back when you took the family for a Sunday picnic at the local weekly hanging, black people were always in fear for their lives and women were essentially chattel to be beat & repeatedly bred. Woo hoo!

flamingpdog December 28, 2011 at 11:01 pm

.. and still real hope for anti-grav cars in their lifetime.

littlebigdaddy December 28, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Sounds about right to me. Sad, deluded, respirator-dependent victims of an expensive but underperforming educational system. These are the people you see in Wal-Mart, just sort of aimlessly "window shopping" in their pajamas. I hope they die soon, but painlessly, because their lives are so fucking abysmal that they think Ron Paul is the answer to their problems.

Jukesgrrl December 28, 2011 at 11:58 pm

"…an expensive but underperforming educational system" that they will turn into an even more expensive and infinitely more underperforming educational system.

user-of-owls December 28, 2011 at 8:51 pm

"Desperately committed," Newt?

All we've seen out of you is an abundance of the former and an absence of the latter.

JustPixelz December 28, 2011 at 9:59 pm

"Desperately committed" is another way to say "passionate" or describe someone acting from deeply held beliefs. But Newt is the last person to understand something like that, unless there's a paycheck or a blowjob in it for him.

flamingpdog December 28, 2011 at 11:03 pm

John Hinckley was desperately committed to St. Elizabeths in the early 80s. We can only hope for the same future for Newt.

Callyson December 28, 2011 at 8:56 pm

From HuffyPo:
Santorum didn't specifically outline what he would do as president to defend Personhood legislation, but said that "irrespective of what the court does, you do what you do, and you fight!"
His reaction to the court sounds like his reaction to the voters…

user-of-owls December 28, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Actually, it sounds a lot more like Scott Roeder, Paul Hill and The Mad Gluer.

PalinzADummy December 29, 2011 at 2:18 am

Warning: malware

user-of-owls December 29, 2011 at 10:02 am

For realz or just snarkiolio?

PalinzADummy December 29, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Fur realz. I never joke about malware.

Arken December 28, 2011 at 8:56 pm

Bachmann Perry Gingrich Paul Romney is a shoe-in for the Iowa nomination.

Bluestatelibel December 28, 2011 at 8:58 pm

I actually snorted when I read Rick Parry's line. The whole GOPeer Party needs to re-do third-grade geography. In a school run by nuns. Who like to whack the students a lot. HARD. Especially the really dumb ones, like the entire GOP field.

littlebigdaddy December 28, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Or, if they were especially naughty, fuck them up the ass repeatedly. I think this would explain a lot of the Gooper madness.

chicken_thief December 29, 2011 at 10:25 am

That was the priests.

vtxmcrider December 30, 2011 at 10:31 am

The thought of fucking any of them with my dick is unappealing. However, it would be fun to hand fuck all of them up the ass with a cactus.

BelleSC December 29, 2011 at 8:34 am

I snorted and then emailed it to folks I knew would "get it" on the first read. I swear to God I think this is all one crazy LSD trip.

Doesn't Bachmann know that the morning after pill costs around $50 and that a pharmacy wouldn't put it on the shelf anywhere?! You'd have to go to the counter and ask for it.

Please just make this all be over soon. It was funny for a while. Now it's just painful especially when I think there is a very remote chance that one of these GOP idiots could win.

ThundercatHo December 28, 2011 at 9:02 pm

Oxymoran/Oxycontin 2012!!!!!!!!!!!!

chascates December 28, 2011 at 9:03 pm

My understanding of the Free Trade Agreement is that we can legally compel Canada to sell us water at a low price. Once they get rid of Harper (I guess he's still PM or whatever) they may decide to secede from our Grand Alliance!

ttommyunger December 28, 2011 at 10:52 pm

When the Vegas mobsters and Angelinos start getting parched we'll see big trouble with our slow-living cousins to the North, youbetcha!

boobookitteh December 28, 2011 at 9:07 pm

In semi-related news, did you know Randall Terry is running for President? And that he's running ads on NH TV stations with footage of allegedly aborted fetuses? Ads so graphic, they have a Viewer Warning on before them? Ads so stupid and offensive that they ruined my 30 Rock rerun? Now that's some fricking commitment to the anti-abortion agenda. These other slackers got nuthin' on good ol' Randy.

user-of-owls December 28, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Even the fucking Japanese don't do mangled fetus porn. And they do everything!

flamingpdog December 28, 2011 at 11:08 pm

He running for the Demoncrat nomination, no less. And I've seen some of the graphics, and I bet sick bastards like Randall Terry fap to them, no snark.

Barrelhse December 29, 2011 at 12:34 am

Makes Rick Perry look like regular mung-whacker, don't he?

Goonemeritus December 28, 2011 at 9:11 pm

As a proud member of the secular left I would like to state for the record the only thing I'm desperately committed to is seeing this pack of idiots sent home.

Slim_Pickins December 28, 2011 at 9:13 pm

Well Newt is the smartest guy in the room. If you don't believe me, just ask him!

Bonghits4Jesus December 29, 2011 at 1:44 am

Yeah, the Enron thugs were the "smartest guys in the room" too!

PuckStopsHere December 29, 2011 at 9:10 am

That must be one small fucking room.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 28, 2011 at 9:14 pm

So Romney is the ultimate anti-Romney. Talk about a flip-flopper.

user-of-owls December 28, 2011 at 10:40 pm

He's rubber, he's glue, anything he says bounces off him and bounces back off him and bounces back off him and bounces back off him and bounces back off him…

Biff December 28, 2011 at 10:52 pm

I always wondered, since nothing sticks to teflon, how does it stick to the metal pan? Is antiromney a new element?

user-of-owls December 28, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Yup, it's to the right of Newtonium.

AddHomonym December 29, 2011 at 12:36 am

I laugh at this, periodically.

starfanglednut December 29, 2011 at 12:44 am

Oh, very good.

BarackMyWorld December 29, 2011 at 12:10 am

What's weird to me is how Mitt and Newt are so busy accusing each other of flip-flopping, no one on the inside realizes it's actually the entire party that keeps changing its own positions in order to contrast itself with the president.

sbj1964 December 28, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Mitt's plan as president is to sell off America's assets,layoff everyone;while making a profit for himself.

starfanglednut December 28, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Teh Newt must be soooo much smarter than me, because to my untutored ear, nothing he says makes any sense.

user-of-owls December 28, 2011 at 10:42 pm

You. That's right, you in the third row. What's your name? Is that meth you're inhaling? Did you bring enough for the whole class? Hmmm?

Fukui_Jong-un December 28, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Bachmann endorsing Paul? It seems unlikely – where did you get that from?

Santorum, Bachmann and Perry are effectively the same candidate – fuckwits with a boner for jeebus. Couldn't see any of them endorsing anyone but one of the others.

Of course, if Bachmann and Perry drop out and both endorse Santorum (or whichever damn 2-drop-and-pick-the-other choice happens) it leads to the delicious prospect of whichever freak they pick defeating Romney and Paul in the other primaries … and becoming the RNC nominee.

imissopus December 28, 2011 at 10:06 pm

What I'm reading is that her Iowa campaign manager quit to go work for Ron Paul. Maybe that got garbled by some media idiot into Bachman endorsing Paul.

user-of-owls December 28, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Yup, that's it. Rachel reported it and she posts at Wonkett! Or so I hear.

GOPCrusher December 29, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Actually, the Paul Campaign paid him cash to go to work for them. The state GOP Chairman has stated that State Senator Sorensen has committed political suicide with his move.
Highly unlikely. Now the lobbyists know who to funnel "campaign funds" too.

ttommyunger December 28, 2011 at 10:54 pm

Deals are made on the basis of self-interest, not ideology, Fuki. This is America.

sbj1964 December 28, 2011 at 9:20 pm

I have heard of Female Fetuses in China lasting longer than Newt's time in the lead.

starfanglednut December 29, 2011 at 12:45 am

Ouch!

MozakiBlocks December 28, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Since Ricky boy has annexed Canada, we get to give Texas back to Mexico right?

hollywooddood December 28, 2011 at 9:25 pm

I'm going to start the "Draft Victoria Jackson" committee.

Fukui_Jong-un December 28, 2011 at 9:32 pm

I read that as "Daft Victoria Jackson", but like yours better.

BTW have you seen her awesome new show "Politichicks"? It's where four women of various high levels of insanity don't like gays and muslims.

First episode – "gays, muslims and gay muslims" (I didn't make that up) is here

imissopus December 29, 2011 at 1:46 am

I made it to 1:09! What did I win?

12X34X December 28, 2011 at 10:33 pm

OMG. Can I help?

MilwaukeeKent December 28, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Given this field, with Romney and Huntsman the only sane ones in the bunch and absolutely unwanted by the GOP base, it is just amazing that so many Americans still vote Republican. I'm not saying half the American people are stupid, I'm saying half the population isn't stupid. The average IQ is about 100, same as anywhere else in the world.
A lot of people who make less than a 250k seem to vote GOP for one of three reasons: the GOP will end abortion cuz "Democrats kill babies", the GOP makes dog-whistle noises about suppressing minorities ("those people") or because the GOP might give them a pony (authoritarian-submissives). If we're stuck with a two-party system, one of the parties can't be insane but here we are.

yyyaz December 29, 2011 at 3:38 am

Yes, here we are: where the allegedly sane party drops trou' and grabs its ankles to appease the insane one. Stockholm Syndrome? Masochism? Co-dependence? Bad c hildhood? Conjoined twins? Or just plain cowardice?

HistoriCat December 30, 2011 at 10:21 pm

All of them Katie.

Radiotherapy December 28, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Umm, I know there's a shitload of stupid to wade through here, but do 8 and 11 year old girls, i.e. pre-pubescent, even need birth control? The stupid is heavy metal dense.

anniegetyerfun December 28, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Republicans like 'em young, and related. So, you know, we can't let those knocked up little sluts have access to any kind of birth control! Who will give birth to the next generation of sister cousins?

CthuNHu December 28, 2011 at 11:08 pm

They do when Newt's in town.

Rick Perry? Not so much. They just have to put up with him when he crashes their tea parties.

anniegetyerfun December 28, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Actually, as a liberal, I am deeply committed to gay marriage, abortions for all, and driving God out of public life. So, yeah. I have no problem with that description.

On a related note, I don't believe for a second that Newt believes in God. Not for a fucking second.

flamingpdog December 28, 2011 at 11:15 pm

Of course Newt believes in God. With that ginormous an ego, he has to believe in himself.

Mumbletypeg December 29, 2011 at 9:30 am

Actually… I am deeply committed … I have no problem with that description.

Operative word from Newty is "desperately" committed — the modifier is specifically intended for red-alert connotation, a buzzword to stir the hornet's nest of ill. If there were anything 'deep' about commitment worthwhile for him to keep jawing about, Newt would still be searching ass-over-elbows for it, as he doesn't tread well beyond the shallow end.

anniegetyerfun December 29, 2011 at 9:32 am

Still doesn't bug me.

iburl December 28, 2011 at 9:49 pm

You see, the way it works is that the oil barons/cartels/kingpins/crime lords TAKE whatever oil they want from wherever they can get it, and then SELL it to whoever pays the most on the international markets. In other words, just because it comes from Alaska Wilderness preserves, or the Florida Everglades, or Teddy Roosevelt's forehead on Mount Rushmore, doesn't mean it belongs to "US".

You would think the one thing that Republicans would understand would be that the rapacious self-interests of the International Oil Cartels are far above any particular so-called national interests to use sochalizm to "lower the price at teh pump".

Radiotherapy December 28, 2011 at 9:52 pm

FREE MARKETS!!1!

anniegetyerfun December 28, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Facial oil libel!

mavenmaven December 28, 2011 at 9:54 pm

The only judges and courts the Republicans like are the kind they can pay for: http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2011/12/20/39288

JustPixelz December 28, 2011 at 10:02 pm

These guys hate regulations and laws and judges, but without those mechanisms juries — juries! for god's sake — decide where the boundaries of responsibility lie. Better to let twelve people with plenty spare time make these decisions than elected officials who can be held accountable.

chascates December 28, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Former Wonkette editor Jason Linkins:
Newt Gingrich Promises To Create 'Millions Of Jobs Right Now
In the latest campaign ad from Newt Gingrich, God of Carnage, the former House Speaker says that "we can create millions of jobs right now." Is this to be achieved by Gingrich hiring one million people to manufacture and market "Ellis The Elephant" merchandise? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/28/newt-gin

Mumbletypeg December 28, 2011 at 10:18 pm

From each according to its own pedigreed Christian name-brand, i.e. lore heralded as fact; to each according to its own interpretation of the Constitution, an increasingly popular source of fiction.
Somewhere, a libertarian utopi-idealogue is slacking on the proposed island-outpost solution that could sequester these snakes before they devour their own tails, which would initially seem fun to watch but the fallout could be toxic enough to exceed my lethal limit.

Radiotherapy December 28, 2011 at 10:35 pm

Let's not forget they have their Libtard utopia — see sub-saharan Africa. Low taxes, minimal government, entrepreneurship flourishing (pirates)….

poncho_pilot December 28, 2011 at 10:51 pm

i was thinking about that last night for a laugh when i realized something: there are too many black people in Africa for any but the most stalwart libertarians. i think the Tea Party types would recoil at the idea. so we'd lose maybe 300 annoying people to emigration. besides, hover rounds would be expensive to ship and a lot of them would already have to pay for two seats per person on a plane.

p.s. and the libertarians would bring their computers because they actually live on the internet so if they managed to get a good set up for that we'd still have to deal with Paultard trolls.

Radiotherapy December 28, 2011 at 11:10 pm

I was thinking about that further today. I think chascates posted some link to Blightfart and I actually went over there *gag* for the first time in a long time.. Anyway, it seems once Ken took the downfist off our options the trolls have gone away — including the Paultards. Over there they have a cadre of "trolls" who populate every thread, and with simple, point-of fact rebuttal — and, often times, humor.
♪ ♫ Where have all the Paultards gone,
Long time passing ♪ ♫

poncho_pilot December 29, 2011 at 12:18 am

that's awesome. sounds like you'd need some popcorn for that excursion. if you can keep it down.

Fukui_Jong-un December 28, 2011 at 10:20 pm

I'm actually quite enjoying free republic at the moment. They're melting down bigtime

* Anything which hurts any candidate (except Mint) is a plot by The Evul Milt (not that they're paranoid)

* Bachmann is either the best on policy or a lunatic

* Santorum is the new Reagan (srsly)

* Gingrich is either a complete git or the real new Reagan

* Ruck Purruh is much loved but doesn't seem to have a chance unless he does

* the usual Ron Paul stuff

Radiotherapy December 28, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Santorum is the new Reagan

Trickle-Down?

user-of-owls December 28, 2011 at 11:34 pm

They really are cute when they're mortally terrified. It brings out the childlike sense of fucking hate and paranoia in them.

horsedreamer_1 December 28, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Milton Burle is pulling the strings from the grave?

BarackMyWorld December 29, 2011 at 1:04 am

Obviously they got it wrong…

* Mitt is the new Thomas Dewey.

* Newt is the new Spiro Agnew.

* Ron Paul is the new Pat Buchanan.

* Rick Perry is the new Barney Fife.

* Bachmann is the new Sue Ann Nivens.

* Santorum is just the same old Santorum.

Radiotherapy December 29, 2011 at 1:48 am

And all of them, Katie, are the new Nixon.

DahBoner December 29, 2011 at 10:18 am

And Nixon is the new Ru Paul…

Redhead December 29, 2011 at 11:04 am

"Santorum is the new Reagan (srsly) "

Kinda ironic, given Wonkette's recent headline about Reagan apparently enjoying some closeted santorum…

MilwaukeeKent December 28, 2011 at 10:22 pm

It was her campaign manager quitting to work for Paul, Ol' Crazy Eyes is in it to win it, she won't quit until after the Canada primary.

ttommyunger December 28, 2011 at 10:55 pm

My bad, I should have read it more carefully. Bachmann in it win it; now THAT'S funny!

MilwaukeeKent December 29, 2011 at 12:45 am

Sarah Palin, Jesus and Tim Tebow swoop in with last-minute endorsements. Just watch.

ttommyunger December 29, 2011 at 6:38 am

And hubby will come out, swinging teh ghey vote.

SheriffRoscoe December 28, 2011 at 10:30 pm

"…desperately committed to marriage between same-sex couples becoming legitimized as if they were the same between traditional marriage between a man and a woman,…"

traditional marriage between a man and a woman, followed by another woman, then followed by a third woman…and then maybe a fourth……then a fifth…..

/fixed

Radiotherapy December 28, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Annulment and indulgences work too.

SheriffRoscoe December 28, 2011 at 11:01 pm

I just realized I did a piss-poor job of editing the original quote, but hopefully you all got my point!

DahBoner December 29, 2011 at 10:16 am

Actually, the Bible is cool with up to 200 wives…

anniegetyerfun December 28, 2011 at 10:37 pm

The Rick Santorum Surge is Here.

"That puts him just nine points behind Mitt Romney and six in back of Ron Paul — and suggests that religious conservatives in Iowa could be rallying around Santorum in the home stretch."

I did not make that up.

starfanglednut December 29, 2011 at 12:50 am

:::: Bangs head on table repeatedly.

Radiotherapy December 29, 2011 at 12:57 am

Haha, annie, the "journalist" is Steve KORNacki.

Negropolis December 29, 2011 at 3:06 am

Gawd I hate that dude, but only because you can change him out for practically any of the 30-and-40-something young-gun reporters they are trying to sell as "journalists" these days. He's most maddening of all on television when he's invited on to given an opinion, but can't bring himself to actually give one for fear of appearing biased. Then don't go on the fucking show, dude.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 29, 2011 at 2:00 am

For what it's worth, I just heard on FOX News that "Santorum is Surging!"

chicken_thief December 29, 2011 at 10:31 am

In the end, they all want a little Santorum….

GOPCrusher December 29, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Reports in Iowa are that Michele Bachmann is being encouraged to drop out of the race so as not to split the evangelical vote between her and Santorum.
So at the last, the Xtians show their true colors and are telling Michele she needs to stay in the kitchen, this is a job for menfolk.

PalinzADummy December 29, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Late last night I heard a rumour on the Intertoobz that she had already done so. But it turned out to be a head-fake: her campaign director in IA (a rabid Paulturd, by the sound of him) defected to the Ron Paul camp; and I guess the hopeful took that as a sign that the dingbat would finally take the hint and leave quietly. But, like all her teabaggin' friends, I suspect Michele won't go quietly. She'll make a terrible racket as they drag her off the floor. Ahh, schadenfreude!

El Pinche December 28, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Bubblegum aisle? Is this 1952?

"What's next?? Your slave will be slipping that Mrs. Swansons Old Time Abortion Elixir into your daughters pantaloons! " (if you remember, "slaves" are black people in that old America we grew up in)

poncho_pilot December 28, 2011 at 10:58 pm

are you 4?
or 86?
put a raincoat
on your dick.
Burma Shave.

El Pinche December 28, 2011 at 11:05 pm

USA's free-market version of haiku ..

user-of-owls December 28, 2011 at 11:25 pm

With apologies to Dok Zoom, "We'll give old Johnny Fetus a sound thrashing, I daresay!"

Negropolis December 29, 2011 at 3:07 am

That sounds bully!

DaRooster December 28, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Like these people know anything about what God would actually have to say…

finallyhappy December 29, 2011 at 7:30 am

what I find amazing is that anyone who really has any religion would believe that God would speak to these people. But then I hear so much crap spouted by so called religious people. After some old bat told me how HOMOSEXUALS are evil in the bible- I asked her about eating cheeseburgers or lobster and told her that the Bible says those are wrong. She started shrieking -it doesn't say that, the BOOK doesn't say that. I told her to read the Book instead of listening to her preacher. I really hope that all of these people who claim to believe this crap do burn in their own Hell. As for me, I will become compost and go nowhere.

DaRooster December 29, 2011 at 10:38 am

"As for me, I will become compost and go nowhere."

… but it doesn't hurt to know where the answers are… you know… just incase.

DaRooster December 28, 2011 at 11:23 pm

"Let's see… Hubba Bubba… Extra Sugar Free… Trident… Bubble Yum… there it is… Plan B…. hooray… I am 8 and not pregnant now!"

starfanglednut December 29, 2011 at 12:51 am

Thanks Obama!

Spurning Beer December 29, 2011 at 8:26 am

I have an idea. Let's put Plan B into bubblegum. And into Pop-Tarts, wine coolers, Hot Pockets, Little Debbie Snack Cakes, and corn dogs.

user-of-owls December 29, 2011 at 9:48 am

Oh c'mon Haile, how could you miss the obvious: Ho Ho's.

PalinzADummy December 29, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Ho ho ho, you ho ho hos! Merry Christmas!

johnnyzhivago December 28, 2011 at 11:32 pm

Annexing Canada is a good idea. It will create like about 20 million American jobs instantly (although they will all be held by former Canadians).

BarackMyWorld December 29, 2011 at 12:05 am
Jukesgrrl December 29, 2011 at 12:07 am

Kinda OT: From the 10 p.m. news on my Arizona TV, a segment showing self-proclaimed Super-Sheriff Joe Arpaio helpfully campaigning for Rick Perry by calling the Hawkeye State the Buckeye State. Jeers from the Iowa audience and frantic whispers to Ole Joe from his handler. Joe'd be funny if he weren't so dangerous.

fartknocker December 29, 2011 at 1:31 am

That crusty old bastard has so fucked up Maricopa County with his false charges and his jailers. Between his command staff being fired, Andy Thomas about to be disbarred, and DOJ knocking the shit out of him for civil rights violations, the flaccid fool should be nothing more than a Walmart Greeter. The fact that he's campaigning for Gubnor Goodhair is just one more nail in Rick's coffin.

finallyhappy December 29, 2011 at 7:31 am

Damn, I don't know a hawkeye from a buckeye- good that I am not campaigning.

Tundra Grifter December 29, 2011 at 9:46 am

Buckeye libel!

GOPCrusher December 29, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Buckeyes get free tattoos.

Jukesgrrl December 29, 2011 at 8:11 pm

And the guy who gives them gets jail time, I hear. He wasn't just selling tats.

DaRooster December 29, 2011 at 10:41 am

Well… he does fit right in with that group.

Biff December 29, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Iowa, Ohio, who can tell these days?

GOPCrusher December 29, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Best T-Shirt slogan ever?

University Of Iowa.
Idaho City, Ohio.

Jukesgrrl December 29, 2011 at 8:15 pm

That covers quite a few votes in the electoral college.

donner_froh December 29, 2011 at 12:48 am

What you have is the secular left, which has been using the courts to replace the America we grew up in

In the American that Newt grew up in, black people were terrorized if they tried to vote, unwanted pregnancies meant unwanted children and gay people went to prison.

Fuck you, Newt.

V572 the Merciless December 29, 2011 at 3:43 am

Negroes knew their place; if they forgot it you could remind them with the occasional lynching. The dames knew their place; those who didn't got blamed for the rape. Poor people died for lack of medical care because really there wasn't much beyond Band-aids, splints and pills. And the gays? — don't ask. Foreigners knew their place and if they forgot it we bombed them. It was such a happy time for white middle-class-and-above men. They want it back, and Newt, Ron, the Ricks and Miche1e (and Mittens too, really) promise to give it to them.

Oh, and there were only three teevee channels, too. Much less confusing.

GOPCrusher December 29, 2011 at 1:14 pm

U.S.A. really went downhill after they made it illegal to burn down an A.M.E. church.

V572 the Merciless December 29, 2011 at 1:17 pm

They should have compromised between those who wanted to keep African-American churches open and those who wanted to burn them down. But no, the radicals had to ruin it!

obfuscator2 December 29, 2011 at 12:59 am

race to the bottom ends with santorum all over iowa.

poncho_pilot December 29, 2011 at 1:07 am

"You sound like a 12 year old talking about Batman." –Trickle Down
http://www.salon.com/2011/12/27/how_the_media_mad

mavenmaven December 29, 2011 at 1:25 am

Another repub with a thing for little boys http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/28/patrick-

DerrickWildcat December 29, 2011 at 1:57 am

“The president can put abortion pills for girls 8 years of age, 11 years of age, on the bubblegum aisle,”

Abortion Pills is not a very good name for a product. They should probably get a new Ad-Agency and Re-Launch.

El Pinche December 29, 2011 at 2:37 am

"NoBaby!" capsules and chewables (for the youngins e.g. lil Palins)

Spurning Beer December 29, 2011 at 8:33 am

Nine Month Stretch-mark Prevention Pills for the Lactation Intolerant?

Prom-Saver Plus?

Sperm-Blocker 4000?

Let's get Frank Luntz in on this.

not that Dewey December 29, 2011 at 9:05 am

Fallopiyums?

Lifesavers?

Big Red?

prommie December 29, 2011 at 9:49 am

Baby-killing pills?

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 29, 2011 at 2:00 am

You know who else lead in Iowa?

Negropolis December 29, 2011 at 3:08 am

Honestly? I have no fucking idea. I can't name a single famous Iowan outside of Roseanne Barr.

V572 the Merciless December 29, 2011 at 3:47 am

Grant fucking Wood was from Iowa, ol' buddy, and don't you forget it! Also these: http://www.50states.com/bio/iowa.htm
Well yes I had to Google it.

finallyhappy December 29, 2011 at 7:35 am

whoa, Abby and Ann lived in Iowa- how quickly did they get out? I mean, we Jews don't do well among corn people.

Negligently_Joe December 29, 2011 at 6:23 am

John Wayne? (Gacy?)

Tundra Grifter December 29, 2011 at 9:47 am

Roy Hobbs?

GOPCrusher December 29, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Andy Williams? Donna Reed?

Negropolis December 29, 2011 at 2:44 am

What you have is the secular left, which has been using the courts to replace the America we grew up in…

Translation: The America where women submitted to their husbands, gays hadn't been invented yet, and certain other people knew their place…you know, Real America.

Fuck you, Newton, you fat-bellied, forked tongue, short-armed skink bastard.

The Supreme Court can’t arbitrarily tell us what the law of the land is.”

The stupid; she burns! We are so gonna win this thing, next year.

Radiotherapy December 29, 2011 at 3:09 am

xxcrazyxx/Rubio '12

bflrtsplk December 29, 2011 at 4:15 am

No more jokes about the dog strapped to the roof of the car. OK, one more: Can't wait to see the Mittster riding up Pennsylvania Avenue with the Muttster tied atop the presidential limo. That's all folks.

PalinzADummy December 29, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Mitt/Mutt 2012!

mcrummett December 29, 2011 at 5:02 am

I guess if you have no chance of winning you can be as crazy as you want.

sbj1964 December 29, 2011 at 5:26 am

PRESIDENT OBAMA 2012 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUCK ON IT GOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 MORE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND ALL THE FASCIST FOX NEWS WATCHING BUTT MONKEYS !!!!!!!!!!!HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

freakishlywrong December 29, 2011 at 6:09 am

Watching the pundits analyze and break all this nonsense down and try to present it as serious "news" is getting tedious as fuck, y'all. Here's my advice: pick up turd, polish it, pick up next turd, polish that. Repeat; ad nauseum. For eleven fucking more months, my friends.

Mumbletypeg December 29, 2011 at 9:57 am

At the risk of stating the obvious: the poll trend shifting *away* from Newt-approval says less about respondents' scruples than it indicates they're just as avid consumers of gossip & scandal (given the timing w/ the latest from Wife #1) as the rest of us heathens.
And I'd add, "how fickle," but it's such a flawed pool of candidates to choose from, the word fickle in this case seems misappropriated; "Fickle" wishes for its earlier salad days when irony wasn't dead yet.
In any case, if I turn on NPR one more time to hear them polishing the turds so you speak — detailing careful analysis of the latest jump or slump in polls per Newt/Perry / Mitt , as if each development's significance was so thick they can chew on it like bad actors on scenery — I'm gonna go bitchcakes.

PalinzADummy December 29, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Girl!

vtblom December 29, 2011 at 7:12 am

Just after reading this post, Headline from the Orlando Sentinel:
Romney leads, Santorum surges in new Iowa poll http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/nationworld/s

dinkybossetti December 29, 2011 at 8:46 am

“Every barrel of oil that comes out of those sands in Canada is a barrel of oil that we don’t have to buy from a foreign source."

Canada isn't foreign anymore? This is fantastic news! I'm telling my husband to cancel his green card application and get our money back!

SorosBot December 29, 2011 at 9:12 am

"they are suddenly faced with the possibility that we the people are going to take back our authority, that we are going to take back our rights"

And that, Newt, is why non-evil people hate you; because you and your base are determined to take back the rights from all women, black and brown people, gay people, and non-Christians, and remake this country into one where straight, white Christian men have rights. As you point out, liberals want to make sure that abortion remains legalized, same sex marriage has the same legitimacy as marriage between a man and a woman, and god is left out of the public sphere – all things that anyone with basic human decency supports, and only pure evil trolls like you, Newty, oppose.

chascates December 29, 2011 at 9:24 am

Mathematics on Drudge's hede:
'Middle-class warrior' dines on bacon-wrapped pork — for $260…

Mathematics in actual article in WashPost:
“The Obama party had a special 5-course tasting menu for $75 a person, $105 per person with wine pairings for each course," according to the pool report. "Highlights include "Sassey Salad" and bacon wrapped pork loin,”

SorosBot December 29, 2011 at 9:30 am

Shorter Drudge: black President is acting uppity. As most of his 'articles' has been lately.

chascates December 29, 2011 at 9:33 am

Unsolicited endorsement:
Stormfront founder: Ron Paul’s views ‘coincide with ours’ on most issues

They're not sure about returning to the gold standard. http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2011/12/28/stormfront-

PalinzADummy December 29, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Wasn't that priceless? What timing!

Negropolis December 30, 2011 at 12:22 am

This reminds me of when the KKK endorsed Michigan's affirmative action ban a week before the vote…and the thing still passed in a year in which the Democratic governor won reelection and the party took back the state house.

chascates December 29, 2011 at 9:42 am

In the 'Never Say Die' realm:

"All I can tell you is what I'm seeing on the ground is remarkable and I think that I will be that nominee because the country needs a strong woman, just like in 1980, we needed Ronald Reagan. Britain needed a Margaret Thatcher. I intend to be America's Iron Lady and the strong principled conservative woman that America needs right now to get the economy back," Bachmann told FOX News.
–Today's RawStory.org

The top Iowa adviser to Representative Michele Bachmann of Minnesota announced Wednesday night that he was jumping ship to support the candidacy of Representative Ron Paul of Texas.
Kent Sorenson, a state legislator who has been at Mrs. Bachmann’s side for months, made his decision in the closing days of the Iowa caucus campaign. It was a significant blow to Mrs. Bachmann, who has struggled to regain the fleeting summertime glory of winning the Iowa straw poll.
–Today's NY Times

SorosBot December 29, 2011 at 9:42 am

Strange that she thinks Britain and the US "needed" two horrible, horrible people who ruined both countries.

chascates December 29, 2011 at 9:44 am

Oops! Bachmann's 'Thatcher' moment actually from RealClearPolitics.com. Pre-New Years Eve revelry.

prommie December 29, 2011 at 9:47 am

When they talk about those out-of-control courts rampaging about and us lefties using the courts and lawsuits to destroy Amurrica's traditional values, they carefully leave out that little thing back in the '50s, that Brown v. Topeka thingie, with the out of control courts and the lefty lawyers challenging the traditional notion that negroes are an inferior race, to be carefully kept apart from the whites (they have these unnatural appetities, too, and cannot control themselves among the white women!). But really, aren't all these other complaints just proxies for their real issue with the liberals and the courts, that we forced negroes down their throats?

Jukesgrrl December 29, 2011 at 8:25 pm

They conveniently leave out Citizen's United, too. Isn't that an example of an "activist judiciary"? They're forcing Kochs down our throats.

Tundra Grifter December 29, 2011 at 9:48 am

What in the name of G-d is "Personhood legislation?"

I just don't think it is right that a fetus can make a campaign contribution.

chascates December 29, 2011 at 9:49 am

Ellis the elephant 'saved' Newt Gingrich
“The months of June and July were the hardest in my career,” he told me. “You had people you thought you knew and you liked, at places like Fox News, asserting enthusiastically that you were dead. Not sadly — enthusiastically, happily.” He sipped his coffee but looked as if it tasted bitter. “One of the things that actually saved us,” Gingrich told me, “in addition to Callista’s stubbornness, was Ellis the elephant.”
“Happy, positive,” Gingrich replied, searching for the right words. “Interesting. Creative. It gave you an oasis psychologically. Literally, Ellis was sort of a ray of light.”

NY Times magazine via Politico.

DahBoner December 29, 2011 at 10:15 am

Why won't someone tell Iowans about the tasty goodness of Mrs. Paul's Fish Sticks????

Beowoof December 29, 2011 at 10:23 am

There is massive celebration of this news on the planet Golub.

actor212 December 29, 2011 at 10:45 am

Mitt Romney reminds me of the Richard Dawson character in The Running Man

Redhead December 29, 2011 at 11:03 am

Since when does a group of voters who cannot muster the majority of votes (or the common sense) needed to make changes throwing a temper tantrum equal a majority of Americans taking back their rights from evil lawyers (????? Are all Muslims and Godless heathens suddenly taking the bar exam?)

owhatever December 29, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Iowa, I don't care about you anymore. At least not in that way, you know? Elect one of these knuckle-draggers and get it over with will ya, so they can get on down to South Carolina, where the real fun begins.

Troglodeity December 29, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Newt's not in Full Newt Mode yet. He's not saying "grotesque" enough yet.

ttommyunger December 29, 2011 at 9:22 pm

I deleted the erroneous comment I made earlier about Bachmann endorsing Ron Paul. I am an idiot and should be more careful in my reading. Sorry, I'll try and do better.

Negligently_Joe December 28, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Counterpoint:

It's V.I.R.G.I.N.I.A. As in, the state where Newt Gingrich resides. And also as in, the state where virtually every political staffer or DC lobbyist also resides, too.

Newt Gingrich failed to gather a sufficient number of signatures in his home state.

PalinzADummy December 29, 2011 at 1:49 am

Indeedy. See, also, petard, hoist by one's own.

PalinzADummy December 29, 2011 at 2:14 am

But it said quite clearly in that Alice Sheldon … I mean James Tiptree … in that story ….

flamingpdog December 29, 2011 at 2:15 am

When I started my short-lived career as a pretend archaeologist many, many years ago, one of the first books I read reproduced a drawing of a "charmstone", which was described as having or likely having (I don't remember which) "ceremonial purposes". I looked at it and said to myself, "That's a fucking dildo!!"

emmelemm December 29, 2011 at 4:04 am

Niiiiice.

user-of-owls December 29, 2011 at 9:52 am

Can I have your number?

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