duh

Newt Gingrich: The Democratic Process Is a Terrible Act of War

Now with more wind than a Texas firestorm.Newt Gingrich will not be on the Virginia primary ballot, because he was having too much fun running for President on the teevee to be bothered to run for President in real life and hand in on time the 10,000 signatures that the state requires to qualify. A lower mind might attribute such a problem to organizational failure and shoddy management skills, but where is the sense of delusional victimhood in that? Right. BORING. The more likely explanation is that Virginia is like Japan, and they are doing a Pearl Harbor on Newt by not letting him on the ballot against the rules, for fascism.

The only possible explanation for the following insanity is that he is hoping people will Google search “Newt Gingrich Pearl Harbor” and accidentally stumble on the search result for his asinine historical novel. Can’t let the situation be a total loss!

From The Hill:

“Newt and I agreed that the analogy is December 1941,” campaign director Michael Krull wrote on the Gingrich Facebook page. “We have experienced an unexpected set-back, but we will re-group and re-focus with increased determination, commitment and positive action. Throughout the next months there will be ups and downs; there will be successes and failures; there will be easy victories and difficult days – but in the end we will stand victorious.”

If an eighth grade U.S. history student turned in an essay discussing the similarities between the primary balloting process in the state of Virginia and the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, this would be an “F” paper. In politics, it is a comparison that is presented as interesting and thoughtful by the campaign manager of a major party’s national frontrunner.

Oh yeah, and Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Rick Santorum also proved too inept to hand in enough signatures on time, so Mitt Romney will pretty much have Virginia locked up by default, sort of like the rest of the race because he is competing against idiots, the end. [The Hill]

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    No write-in votes allowed either. Bah ha ha!

    • MzNicky

      Yes, that was Newt's first response: "oh YEAH? Well I'll show YOU!! I'll get a WRITE-IN campaign going and THEN we'll see who's on the ballot!" Except then someone had to tell him there are no write-ins allowed in Virginia. Whatever! He's still the historian and the smartest and bestest candidate of all!!

      • Barb

        Yes, his campaign manager said to write in the votes. It's pretty pathetic when you don't know the laws of the state you've lived in for 10 years.

        • OneDollarJuana

          Not pathetic so much as normal, these days.

      • LetUsBray

        Yeah, I gotta say this sort of attention to detail and knowledge of the law suggests that a Professor Brainiac presidency would be pretty much like a Grifterella one, only doughier and flabbier.

      • Terry

        Isn't he currently a resident of Virginia, as well?

    • James Michael Curley

      How did your diner in NYC go? Enjoy it?

    • Guppy

      Noot Geengryc

      Would a vote simply for "Newt" be counted towards "Lizard People?"

    • Not_So_Much

      I kinda wish they allowed write-ins. Just so we could see all the "lizzerd people" and "Fat Fuck" ballots…

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    Just as well. Better Tiffany based shopping options elsewhere.

    • sbj1964

      Screw it it's just Virgina not like it's a real state. Common wealth's.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Yes, not a real state like Arizona, Wyoming-Cheney®, or the Psychiatric Institution known as Florida.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    "Virginia Isn't For Losers"

    • HistoriCat

      You've never been to Virginia – have you?

      • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

        Actually I have… so i can see your point, but it would have ruined the joke.

        • HistoriCat

          True, true … but it just seemed like the perfect comeback.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Bob McDonnell, Ken Cuccinelli, & Eric Cantor agree. They won but VA has been paying for it.

    • Guppy

      More surprisingly, Virginia Isn't For Adulterers.

    • flamingpdog

      "Virginia is for Slavers".

    • GOPCrusher

      Wasn't Robert E. Lee from Virginia?

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    Mitt Romney locked up Virginia, in order to be one of his secret mormon wives.

    • gizdal

      can we all have mulltiple wives when mitt is gelected?

      • V572 the Merciless

        Careful what you wish for. Having sequential wives is very difficult; concurrent spouses would be exponentially worse, unless they could be subdued by some insane mythology.

        • comrad_darkness

          you mean like: You will rot in hell for the sin of Eve (who had the gall to want a higher education in philosophy) if you don't become some misogynist's 12th child bride?

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          Might have solved Newt's problems.

    • Loaded_Pants

      The first 6 letters of the state's name excited him. "Oh, Virginia…"

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Ron PAul proclaims unfair Media treatment as "his Civil Rights Act."

    • sbj1964

      Ron Paul is a secret racist.

      • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

        Secret?

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    And to extend that analogy to its logical conclusion, Newt will nuke Virginia.

    • Loaded_Pants

      You mean he'll Newk VA with a Newtron bomb?

    • sbj1964

      Nuke Virgina? Newts logic he will declare war on Germany.

    • flamingpdog

      Except for the loss of the DeeCee suburbs, will anyone notice if he does?

    • Wadisay

      Newt's gut is the battleship Arizona, in this analogy.

      • YasserArraFeck

        Newt's campaign is like the "Arizona" – completely sunk

        • OneDollarJuana

          With a lot of smoke blowing out the stack.

    • Negropolis

      But, only the northern part.

  • lochnessmonster

    The failer wrote a failed reason for his failure.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Only one thing for Newt to do. He now has to drop "the big one" on Virginia.

    • Scottsdalian

      No small threat, coming from a guy who requires 2 bathrooms in his hotel room.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Look for mass orders of boiled cabbage and baked beans. And lager, also too.

    • Callyson

      But Chris Christie endorsed Mittens.

    • YasserArraFeck

      Newt's "Big One"…….well, Callista?……..Care to comment?

    • Nostrildamus

      That's why he has two toilets.

  • ttommyunger

    Somehow I picture Newt the same way he, I'm sure, imagines himself: in a Toga with a golden wreath of Oak Leaves on his brow. Fucking college professors are so used to being sucked up to, it doesn't take long for them to take it for granted as their due. My apologies to the good ones, but most are just lazy self-important assholes.

    • Tundra Grifter

      TTU:

      Your picture would make more sense of Ole Newt actually was a college history professor.

      I see him more like the Spanish teacher on "Community."

      • ttommyunger

        Well, West Georgia (Carrollton) is technically a college, I think. He postures himself as the Grand Poohbah of Upper Buttcrack so far as Academia (and everything else) is concerned. I'm not smart, but I'm smart enough to know this pantload of a Congressional Flunk-out is NOT.

    • dadanarchist

      Lemme tell you, this college professor doesn't have a $10 line of credit at Tiffany's, let alone $500,000.

      • user-of-owls

        Got that straight. Been at the same place since 1990. Starting salary was roughly what a grad student stipend is at any respectable PhD program…in Political Science! I only just doubled that original salary (to a walloping $60K!) this year, when I got a staggering 0.8% raise. After winning the university's second most prestigious teaching award.

        So yeah, most of us may well be lazy self-important assholes. But we most assuredly are not, in the main, well-paid lazy self-important assholes. And we certainly don't have a monopoly on that demographic.

        The more you know!

        • flamingpdog

          You got a raise this year? The only raise I got for my hours on the gummint dole payroll this year was the occasional peek at the Kortney cucumber video on company time.

        • KotBR

          Don't you know you are bankrupting your state or private institutional endowment? How dare you get an salary increase that maybe keeps pace with the rate of inflation?

      • ttommyunger

        Or an ego the size of Jupiter, prolly.

        • Dashboard Buddha

          Well, Newt is a two-toilet gas giant, after all.

          • ttommyunger

            Makes sense, considering he spouts shit from both ends.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        It's why you're a dadanarchist, dear, and he's a failed politician and pocket-picker.

      • Biff

        $10 won't buy the ribbon around the box at Tiffany's.

        • GOPCrusher

          Or tip the parking valet.

  • sbj1964

    Newt,What would Rick Perry say? Oops!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Perfessor Newt so missed his historical metaphor. His managerial die has been cast as he has crossed the Tiffany ruby con Rubicon.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Less Rubicon, more zircon.

      Or just plain con.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Suggested alt text:

    "Hey Abbott!" http://www.hark.com/clips/vzyhzyyqvv-hey-abbott

    And no, I'm not that old, I just like old movies.
    *sniff*

    • flamingpdog

      Whew, just woke up – won't need coffee this morning now!

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      I was thinking "To the moon, Alice!"

      Also, too, one Sunday I watched an Abbott and Costello movie before mass and, deep in reverie, shouted out "Hey, Abbott!" in the middle of the service.

  • SexySmurf

    People who use inappropriate hyperbole for political purposes are just like Hitler.

    • MzNicky

      You know who else was just like Hitler?

      • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

        Rick Perry?

      • finallyhappy

        Hitler

        • LetUsBray

          That fucker was EXACTLY like Hitler.

          • Guppy

            I found him a little too over-the-top to be comparable, personally.

      • Doktor Zoom

        the leading candidate in the Minehead, Somerset, by-election?

        • 738838

          Mr Hilter?

      • poncho_pilot

        Master D?

        • horsedreamer_1

          Make 'em say 'nein'.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        The boys from Brazil?

        • HistoriCat

          That is a perfect "damn – why didn't I think of that?"

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        I'm not. Sorry. You can't make me. I just won't say it. I won't.

        OK, Hitler.

    • Troubledog

      I agree. Not being able to vote for Newt in Virginia is exactly like the Holocaust in every conceivable way.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I thought it was exactly like the tsunami in Japan, only it wasn't an act of God, and nobody really cares, or gets hurt in any way, and will be completely forgotten about in a week or two.

        • UW8316154

          Except for the caustic, bubbling nuclear waste burning away – that, somehow, brings Newt to mind.

        • Guppy

          "only it wasn't an act of God"

          Actually, I'd chalk having Newt removed from this electoral hype as proof of the existence of a loving deity.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Actually Newt is more like General Renya Mutaguchi.

    "The struggle has developed into a fight between the material strength of the enemy and our spiritual 'strength.' Continue in the task till all your ammunition is expended. If your hands are broken fight with your feet. If your hands and feet are broken use your teeth. If there is no breath left in your body, fight with your spirit. Lack of weapons is no excuse for defeat."

    • Troubledog

      Or more like Generalissimo Francisco Franco.

      Still dead.

    • LetUsBray

      General Renya Mutaguchi sounds like the Dark Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. "Come back here – I'll bite your kneecaps off!"

    • flamingpdog

      And likewise, lack of da feet is no excuse for weapons. Huh?

    • Negropolis

      Baghdad Bob looks like PFC in the face of this guy.

  • Cat_Damon

    LOL

  • ttommyunger

    Well, I finally succumbed to temptation and clicked on the Olivia Munn ad; I must say for all her posturing about animal rights, she has her heel jammed in that poor Beaver's face in front of God and everybody. Why, I oughtta…….

    • finallyhappy

      I clicked on Karmaloop and if the Wonkette women are buying this stuff- well, it is just not how I pictured the other women here(I am really old so I think the models need more clothing)

      • ttommyunger

        Hmm. Will click on that next trip.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah, lucky for her that beaver doesn't bite.

      • ttommyunger

        I think I would risk rabies on that one.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    If Newt was President, he'd have the state of Virginia arrested.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Luckily for gays and Virginia, it's still a free country.

    • flamingpdog

      My four years spent in the Tidewater portion of the state of Virginia led me to believe that their development has been arrested for about 400 years now.

      • Negropolis

        The Tidewater is the place they still speak like Shakespeare on crack, right?

  • Troubledog

    I'll bet you $10,000 that Newt doesn't get elected.

    Oh yeah, and also he won't get elected by Virginia.

  • boobookitteh

    Mussolini would have had his petitions in on time.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Mooseolini would have had her petitions in on time.

      /fixed

      On reflection, maybe not

    • Dudleydidwrong

      A better WW II analogy for The Newt is the whole Italian war effort.

      • __kth__

        zgonna say, Newt's debacle in VA was more like Germany's invasion of France, because they just pretty much had to suck it.

  • MrFizzy

    Does anyone else miss Herman Cain and Sarah Palin? They were way more amusing than Gingrich.

    • SayItWithWookies

      They're not gone — they're just forgotten.

    • MzNicky

      HermyHermyCainCain and the Grifter Snowbilly were funny clowns. Gingrinch is the scary not-funny evil killer clown who lives in a sewer.

      • Loaded_Pants

        "We all float down here…."

      • sbj1964

        I hate clowns! They are at best Carrot Top funny.

    • Guppy

      If you put Cain and Palin in the same room together, how long would it take before they started fucking?

      • flamingpdog

        No thank you very much! If they did, we could end up with this!

        • thebeatgoeson

          Yikes! I was just about to try to go to sleep. Thanks a lot.

      • MrFizzy

        About 5 minutes I would guess. I have a good name for their love child – Hummer.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    That excuse is an affront to my grandfather who should have been aboard the USS Utah December 7th but was instead late to work due to a hangover from the previous night's battle of the bands in the Harbor.

  • coolhandnuke

    Newt Gingrich is to Democracy as Ben Affleck is to Pearl Harbor.

    • sbj1964

      Ben-a-Gring? New pic's in People magazine.

    • mrpuma2u

      needz moar misooobeeshee zekes a buzzin over our uh-MEHR-kin harbor we stoled fair n skware from them lazy huhwaihn brownz.

  • Beowoof

    As a college professor I would say that guys such as Newt give us all a bad name. I know how hard it is to come up with thought provoking and interesting class presenations. Trying to garner interest from those who are more worried about the guy or girl two rows over. Newt on the other hand seems to just throw any bs out there and expects the listeners to believe it. It is lazy and self-serving on his part and worst of all it's insulting to anyone who can think.

    • FNMA

      Fortunately for Newt, his base does not include "anyone who can think."

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Lazy yes, and self-serving yes. Something tells me the universal quality of these features as self-evident make this warthog — who exemplifies both — come across as phony even to those who aren't steeped in academia. In other words I wouldn't worry about him giving y'all a bad name. I think many other words occur to people than "historian" or "professor" when his name passes their ears.

      • Geminisunmars

        I'm not sure where this came from, but the word "blowfish" is what comes immediately to my mind when his name is uttered.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Callista and Newt, Hoochie and the Blowfish.

      • Rotundo_

        Whenever I hear Newt I think of "Bullshit Artist" or "Egotistical Ass" and then a list of expletives long in number before "historian" or "professor" pop up.

      • neiltheblaze

        I agree. He's neither a historian, nor a professor – so he doesn't reflect on them. Newt gives snake oil charlatans a bad name.

  • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews cheaphits

    But he wrote a book about George Washington…doesn't that count for something?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Sheer InSannity consistently claims it is a clear sign of Ole Newt's redemption that he made a DVD about the life of the Pope.

      No, really! He said this. More than once. Believe me.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Welll that's another thing Newt has in common with professorial right-winger Glenn Beck. Those guys are just so intellectual, no wonder the little people can't relate to them.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Oh, geez. My brother-in-law had that book at our Xmas gathering last night. I saw it lying on the floor next to sofa, dustjacket removed, so it just looks like any plain, innocent medium-sized green book. I picked it up, rolled my eyes, opened it and read for a while, did an audible guffaw and put it back on the floor.

        About five minutes later, he discretely goes over and picks up the book and disappears around the corner.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          I call bullshit. Wingnuts cannot be embarrassed.

      • flamingpdog

        Well, if that audio blast from Lou Costello upthread didn't break me outta my morning fog, clicking on that picture of the Beckster sure did.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Yeah, but don't think that George is going to take that lying down!

      • flamingpdog

        I see what you did there. Or a least I think I do.

    • thebeatgoeson

      so did my sister-in-law. http://www.amazon.com/Farmer-George-Plants-Nation
      Does that make her eligible to run in the Republican primaries (even though she is a liberal living amongst the right-wingers of small town upstate NY)?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Sorry, Professor Gingritch. Teacher doesn't give partial credit for homework handed in late.

  • FNMA

    Is this that "day that will live in infamy" we all heard about?

    • Tundra Grifter

      FNMA:

      "Date" that will live in infamy. I oughta know. I've had a few like that.

      [Of course I know I've used that joke before! But don't I get some credit for skipping "Pearl Harbor and the Explosions" in the battle of the bands post above?

      Why not?]

  • Pragmatist2

    The word "pussy" comes to mind, but then it often does.

    • Beowoof

      With Newt it is usually preceeded by the word strange.

    • Swampgas_Man

      The first word that came to my mind was "Schmuck", which springs up as soon as I see that picture.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I have the same problem, only it's with the word "dick".

      • NellCote71

        In my lexicon, "dick" is reserved for Cheney, among a long string of other words.

    • hollywooddood

      Stop making fun of Sarah.

  • Neilist_Returns

    You Communist Liberal Pinko SKum: This is EXACTLY like when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor.

    • flamingpdog

      Damn, I shoulda gotten up an hour earlier this morning!

    • Negropolis

      No, no, no. This is exactly like when the Haitians met Washington in battle when he crossed the Potomac on that balmy, summer night in 1492.

  • coolhandnuke

    Yes Virginia, there is a Satan Clause.

    • sbj1964

      And his name is Newt.

  • not that Dewey

    In fairness to Newt Gingrich, on December 7, 2011, he bombed the Republican Jewish Coalition.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Love the analogy: making John Bolton secretary of state is like Ford reviving the Pinto.

      Newt's delusions of adequacy of becoming tiresome. Virginia doesn't want you, understand? Go back to Georgia where they just love you.

  • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

    Is Ron Paul still flat?

    • Steverino247

      Yes, but you're supposed to wait until Easter to resurrect memes.

      • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

        Damn. Missed it by THAT much. Easter's the one where we all wait outside Jesus' cave to see if he gets scared by his own shadow when he peeks out and we end up with 6 additional weeks of GOP primaries, right? Or is it the one where we smear Palin blood on our doors to keep Zombie Reagan from invading? I've never been good at keeping the holidays straight (then again, neither has Marcus).

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    "That man may last, but never lives;
    Who much receives, but never gives;
    Whom none can love, whom none can thank,
    Creation's blot, creation's blank." — Thomas Gibbons

    Gingrich, you are a blot and a blank on the butt and brain of humanity.

    • flamingpdog

      And the butt and brain of Gingrich, but then I repeat myself.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    He just wasted his excuse for when he doesn't get on the ballot in Hawaii.

    • sbj1964

      John Stewart must be coming unglued.The Daily Show might be back early?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      I thought you said "ballet."

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Newt is no moar serious about running for President than Mooselini wuz. He's grifting, plain & simple.

    • Banelm

      The main result of the Citizen's United decision seems to be that the Republican party has suddenly been overrun by grifters… Maybe it will be good for democracy in the long run after all?

      • Loaded_Pants

        I don't know about it being good for democracy in the long run but it seems to be very good for grifters in the short run.

    • 102415

      Grifters got to grift. Money doesn’t make its self. There are books to buy and sell and small suppliers and volunteers that need to get ripped off.

  • Radiotherapy

    To be fair, at least he didn't use the 9/11 clap trap.

    • HistoriCat

      He's saving that for his later failures.

    • antifauxnews

      didn't rudy trademark that one?

  • Scottsdalian

    O/T, but where is Kortney? I miss her smiley face. And her veggies.

    • flamingpdog
      • Steverino247

        I'd say she qualifies for public service…

        • flamingpdog

          I'd say she qualifies for pubic service..

          /corrected

          • Steverino247

            The Chair stands erected, er, corrected.

      • Rotundo_

        After having viewed this, I must say that my original take on cucumbers still holds as a wonderful flavoring, but largely non nutricious vegetable, but summer squash and zucchini still are better. As for Kourtney, she is a most talented spokesmodel for consuming cucumbers, in any variety of ways. I may never look at a salad in the same way again, which is a good thing.

    • proudgrampa

      Funny, I don't remember Kortney's face…

      • Swampgas_Man

        It's usually blocked by that vegetable.

        • Nostrildamus

          Nah, Kourtney's ads didn't appear until Obama took office.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      your use of the word "veggies" was a visual landmine. Well played.

    • user-of-owls

      If there's any justice in this world, she's serving as fertilizer for the next generation of vegetables by now.

  • sbj1964

    For a historian this one has to be one for the books.Way to go Newt!

  • Callyson

    Oh God–how long before we get the conspiracy theories that say Newt was in on this all along and planned this "attack"?

    • poncho_pilot

      NEWT DID PEARL HARBOR!!!

      • flamingpdog

        So now he's found his fourth wife?

        • poncho_pilot

          fourth wife. fourth meal. second bathroom.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Funny — Pearl Harbor was a surprise attack, but Newt saw this coming weeks if not months beforehand. Considering the inattentiveness to an immediate concern, the complacency with which the losing generals took the field and the utter stupidity of the commander, I'd say Newt compares more favorably to losing generals Paullus and Varro at the battle of Cannae.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Or like that old southern general from the Li'l Abner comic strip, Jubilation T Cornpone. His famous battles: Cornpone's Retreat, which was followed by Cornpone's Disaster, which preceded Cornpone's Rout.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Or General Lloyd Fredenhall who bravely commanded his II Corps from a deep underground bunker 60 miles behind the front lines at the Battle rout of Kasserine Pass.

  • FlyOverGirl

    Virginny haz the sad. Now which GOP. Loser will be their racist leader?

    • valgal2342

      Virginny is kinda flirtin' with that Macaca guy again……

      • Loaded_Pants

        "flirtin'", hell….it's cracking its knuckles to prepare for the hand job.

  • Barrelhse

    I was able to figure out why Neut would marry Callista(!)- the guy's just tryin' to be happy.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7myjFBwDlIk

    • Geminisunmars

      Growing up, that song always gave me hope.

      • Barrelhse

        I think I'd find you attractive.

    • flamingpdog

      Yeah, but I kind of suspect that the only thing Callista can cook is the books.

  • sbj1964

    A brokerage house wants to start selling stocks based on Candidates.Looks like Newt inc. is going to be another ENRON.My broker listed it as a No Buy.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Some candidates develop campaign infrastructures and staffs. Others go on vacations and book tours, then can barely run an incompetent organization. Go figure.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Luckily for Newt, all the aircraft carriers were out to sea, and the Japanese didn't return to attack the fuel depots, the loss of which would have set the war electoral effort back by two years.

    I also have to question the wisdom of Gingrich's executive order for the internment of Virginia-Americans in camps all over the southwest.

  • Beowoof

    That picture reminds me of Oliver Hardy. Although, Newt isn't trying to be funny, he is a scream.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Can't wait to see what historical analogies he uses for his multiple caucus and primary losses.

    • UW8316154

      Vlad The Impaler?

    • poncho_pilot

      the Senate vote on Clinton's impeachment?

    • SheriffRoscoe

      "This is JUST LIKE the day they crucified Christ."

      • __kth__

        Tim Tebow's 40-14 loss to the Buffalo Bills (same difference; actually Rick Perry has already snarfed the Tebow metaphor for himself).

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Perhaps Newt will see himself as Gen. Alfredo Guzzoni, the commander of Italian troops defending Sicily when the Allies invaded in WW II. Guzzoni lost about 150,000 troops, mostly by surrender.

    • Geminisunmars

      Remember that Pompeii thing?

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Heyy, I'm not THAT old.

    • hollywooddood

      Christine O'Donnell lost the election in Delaware?

    • Doktor Zoom

      The architectural career of Bergholt Stuttley "Bloody Stupid" Johnson?

      • Swampgas_Man

        The Light Brigade at Balaclava? "It's magnificent, but it's not war politics."

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      The Germans at Stalingrad?

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Not much fun in Stalingrad.

  • hollywooddood

    This is exactly like Pearl Harbor, except 2,400 people didn't die.

    • V572 the Merciless

      And, with any luck at all, it will not engage the US in the bloodiest event in human history either. (Mitt'll take care of that when he starts bombing Iran.)

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Win.

    • flamingpdog

      And a Sanity Clause, too, also.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

      Newt is more of a Krampus, really.

  • dadanarchist

    Needs moar 9/11!!!1!!

    NEVA FAHGIT…. to turn in enough signatures and on time.

  • mavenmaven

    ニュート!ニュート!ニュート!

  • dadanarchist

    “Newt and I agreed that the analogy is December 1941,” campaign director Michael Krull wrote on the Gingrich Facebook page.

    The name "Newt"? Check. Analogy? Check. Grotesque historical tragedy? Check. Campaign Director? Check. Written on a Facebook page? Check. A Facebook post reported by a professional media outlet? Check.

    That clinches it. This is the stupidest thing I've read since I quit huffing glue reading Sarah Palin's twats.

    • sbj1964

      Sarah Failin can see Pearl harbor from her front porch.

    • prommie

      Carbona not glue.

  • Radiotherapy

    Bora, Bora, Bora!!1!

    • paris biltong

      Boring, boring, boring, actually.

  • DahBoner

    I don't blame Newt or any other Republican for not doing jackshit in the primary.

    After all, who wants to lose to Obama in a landslide?

  • Sue4466

    Never one to overstate his own significance, Newt Gingrich compares his campaign's failure to qualify for VA primary ballot to Pearl Harbor attack that killed nearly 2,500 people and launched America into the second World War. Because it's the same thing. Obviously.

    Remember, he's a history professor, so he has an understanding of history the rest of us can't quite grasp.

    • sbj1964

      I think Newt is going to file for VA benefits.Shell shock?

  • Steverino247

    This is exactly like W's invasion of Iraq. They didn't have enough troops to properly occupy the state they were invading and had to work like hell to overcome that deficit, costing him a lot more money than he planned to spend.

    • Doktor Zoom

      In his excellent book Cultures of War: Pearl Harbor / Hiroshima / 9-11 / Iraq, John Dower notes that the planners for Pearl Harbor and the Iraq invasion relied on groupthink, short-term thinking, and an incredible amount of wishful thinking about what would happen after the military action. The phrase "tactically brilliant but strategically imbecilic" applies to both (though I suppose even the 'tactical brilliance' of the Iraq invasion is questionable).

  • poncho_pilot

    Gingrich stealing my bit. Now I know what Philo T. Farnsworth went through with RCA.
    #hoekstra

    • sbj1964

      I can see Newt doing the Montgomery Burns line."Smithers release the hounds."

  • owhatever

    Mister Newtron knows all the verses of the Constitution, but had not bothered to have some teen-age volunteer stop blowing him long enough to make a list the filing dates? Now he blames it on Hirohito?

    It also might be that Virginians just don't want him on the ballot.

    • Loaded_Pants

      How does a conservative candidate NOT get on a primary ballot in Virginia, of all places? Seriously, it has to be laziness or incompetence or a combination of both.

  • smitallica

    Don't worry Newt. You'll have plenty of time to "re-group" and "re-focus" when you're "not the fucking nominee."

    • sbj1964

      Newt will just blame the media for his incompetence.

      • GOPCrusher

        While working his new gig as political pundit on Faux Noise.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Like Cain, Newt will "clarify" what the next step will be.

  • PuckStopsHere

    I didn't know Pete Hoekstra was Newt's campaign mgr.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    “Newt and I agreed that the analogy is December 1941,”

    As others duly noted, 2400 American soldiers and sailors died in the attack on Pearl Harbor. I guess they just loved their country too much.

    EDIT: On reflection, I want to say "They loved their country by facing bombs and bullets, not by getting blowjobs from lobbyists and staffers."

    • Barrelhse

      And high-school teachers.

  • proudgrampa

    Just goes to show how Newt trivializes history. Now he's trivialized the deaths of 2400 at Pearl Harbor. Can't wait to see how he trivializes 9/11.

    • Loaded_Pants

      "When Callista left me, it was just like when those planes hit the WTC."

  • Come here a minute

    Newt not on the ballot -> Pearl Harbor
    Michele Bachmann not on the ballot -> Custer's last stand
    Rick Perry not on the ballot -> the Alamo
    Rick Santorum not on the ballot -> Pickett's charge

    • Loaded_Pants

      Sarah Palin not running -> Paul Revere's ride.

    • flamingpdog

      Herman Cain not on the ballot – > invasion of Uz-becki-becki-stan-stan-stan.

  • user-of-owls

    December 7, 1941, an unexpected set-back which will live in infamy…

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    If you want google to tell you what Newt ACTUALLY is, please go to Google and enter:

    "define english person"

    It will be the first result.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      I googled. That was weird.

      • LetUsBray

        Irish google-bomb campaign?

      • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

        It's not a google bombing, actually a google algorithm error…

    • Barrelhse

      Lizzie, don't go there.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Newt hopes he will look smart in comparison to the stupid people he hires. It isn't working.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Methinks that, after his staff resigned, he gathered together a new campaign staff by going to the local Home Depot and picking up some of the messicans who weren't chosen by the roofing and lawn care guys. "Si, senor. Is like Pearl Harbor." "THAT'S IT!"

      The staff is still smarter than he is.

  • cheetojeebus

    Speaking of history, it seems his version of his 1st divorce is less than accurate. And it's the headline on Cnn's site right now.

    • MzNicky

      Newt lied about his first divorce? It was really he, and not she, who filed for the divorce? And then he stiffed her on alimony and child support and only paid up when she filed a contempt suit against him?

      I can scarcely believe it. He's so sweet-natured, so honest and self-effacing, only thinking always of others, especially his children. Will the lying liberal media stop at nothing in their demagoguing of this fine man and the inevitability that his juggernaut of a presidential campaign is destined for glory?

      • Dudleydidwrong

        You forgot to add that he's a good Christian man who admits that he has not been perfect but that he would never do anything like that. The LLM (lying liberal media) is also anti-Christian because otherwise it would never attack the Holy Newt.

        If Newt doesn't get the nomination his conversion to Catholicism may mean that he's aiming for a run at the papacy. Just imagine him in those glittery robes and the funny hat and slippers. Bye, Callista! Get thee to a nunnery!
        http://www.seacoastonline.com/articles/20111222-O

        • flamingpdog

          Don't you mean get thee back to a nunnery?

          • Dudleydidwrong

            Callista's just a poor working girl without The Newt, so she'll have to make a living some how. At least it will be in an honest profession and not like that of her soon-to-be-gone husband whose profession of shit-filled grifter is not looked upon too favorably by humans.

        • Geminisunmars

          I've known people who converted to Catholicism in order to marry, and it seems to me they have had to jump through all sorts of hoops in order to have their past marriage(s) "annulled". This makes me wonder if the Gingritch is legitimately a Catholic and legitimately married. You don't suppose he might have lied about some things, do you?

          • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

            His application to annul the second marriage was based on her having been previously married, therefore (in the Catholic view) the marriage never existed. I didn't see anything about having the first marriage annulled, but I did see that he and his former geometry teacher had been boinking while he was still in high school. And that he and Callista had been fornicating for six years before he told #2, and that he told her on Mother's Day, shortly after she was diagnosed with MS. And that he had been porking Callista for six years at that point, and initially asked #2 to just let him keep philandering, not for a divorce.

          • Geminisunmars

            What a sterling character he possesses.

          • HistoriCat

            It's OK – it's all in the past. He's learned from his mistakes and he's not doing that any more. Or something. I can't follow that line of bullshit.

          • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

            The number of hoops required decreases in relation to the amount of the check mailed to the Vatican.

          • Biff

            Makes me wonder how many of those baubles on the pope's robe might've come from that $500K line of credit at Tiffany's.

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    You know it is bad when even Newt starts comparing his own "campaign" to attacks on the United States by an enemy.

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    Also, too bad Ron Paul did not get on the ballot. I would have loved to hear how that would have clearly been the Jew's fault.

    • poncho_pilot

      which Jew?

      • Negropolis

        All of them, Katie.

        What? You set me up.

        • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

          You beat me to it.

          And yeah, I goofed up on my post there.

          • poncho_pilot

            it comes full circle. i make an easy joke about grammar and set it up for an easy Wonkette favorite. Poncho with the assist.

  • Lynne

    Just a high tech lynching…

    • Geminisunmars

      More like a high yeeck flinching.

      • Lynne

        I like that.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      I'm thinking high-tech erotic auto-asphyxiation.

  • MzNicky

    So … does this mean Mittens is the only candidate on the ballot in Virginny?

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      I think Ron Paul made it. So basically, yes.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Sorry Newt. Pearl Harbor was a military attack that left thousands dead. What happened to you in VA is the political equivalent of falling down the stairs in a drunken stupor because you had to get back to the kitchen to turn off the water you were heating for pasta.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Perfection. Alas, I wish I could upfist you more for this comment.

  • user-of-owls

    I'm sure you've all been up late at night wondering what became of the most recent Pautard-Bagger to advocate the murder of the President and, for good measure, his 'monkey children.'

    Obviously chastened, Julio "Mrs. Jules" Manson took to Facebook to apologize sincerely and deeply:

    I have something to admit to all you good people. I am very RACIST: an Insidious American Against Socialist Takeover. Now that I own up to my faults, please stop clutching at your pearls as you gasp for air while you get the vapors. Did your prissy virgin ears bleed at my original rant?

    He's now talking about running for state-wide office. In the event you'd like to lend her moral support.. .http://julesmanson.com/

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      What on earth?

    • Barrelhse

      He has picked up the cues from the right and decided to push the envelope of ignorance. In the GOP it's apparently quite acceptable, if not downright cool, to spew intolerance and disdain for your fellow human beings. Treating others with respect and dignity is a weakness, as taught by their so-called "Christianity."
      I'm outraged that these kinds of fools have a platform, but obviously the Big Money is willing to cultivate hatred and ignorance in order to gain power. So the inbred, drooling mouthbreathers have a political voice within the GOP- isn't that terrific.

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        I've said it before, and I'll say it again. In America, not all Republicans are racists, but all racists are Republicans.

    • AlterNewt

      Nice people doing nice things.

    • Bluestatelibel

      This guy seriously needs psychiatric help. He was probably beaten as a child, and beats/screams at his wife and children today. But he fits in just fine with the nut jobs in today's GOP.

  • Bluestatelibel

    If there's one thing this country needs, it's a president with shoddy management skills. It's not as if being chief executive of the most powerful nation on earth requires good organization and follow-through, right?

    • LetUsBray

      Neut envisions himself as the Mouth-Runner in Chief: Basically he'll do what he's doing now, but everyone will have to pay attention.

      • user-of-owls

        Or else he'll bomb our attention spans?

    • Barrelhse

      He never had that much trouble with all those marriage licenses, just sayin'…

  • Biff

    I don't know about everybody else, but I've about had enough of the adjunct candidate.

  • rocktonsam

    may be NEWTY and the others think FOX NEWZ hires the preznit, just like its viewers and the fappers of that channel/stream

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Did teh Founding Fathers have a primary in Virginia?
    NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    So there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Biff

    Neut, speaking of his 1st wife Jackie:
    "He (Gingrich) said, 'You know and I know that she's not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of a president… "
    OMFG, and he thinks Callista IS? http://www.cnn.com/2011/12/26/politics/gingrich-d

    • Bluestatelibel

      Oh yeah, because every First Lady was always a real hottie. Mr. History Professor should know that, if anything, the candidate's looks are much more important, and in particular, the taller candidate tends to win.

      • Biff

        Bar Bush springs immediately to mind.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          Mamie and Bess were real hotties, too.

          • Biff

            As you can tell by my avatar, I'm no prize myself so I do try to be respectful.

    • Barrelhse

      It's such an odd kind of beauty, don't you think? That truly plastic look who's aim is to mimic the looks of every other mannequin and cheerleader that came from the mold? It must be a conservative value, as they seem afraid to look any different from the others; and the men are only secure if their arm-ornament is the same as everyone else's.

      I mean, honest to fuck, they look they came from a spray can of polyurethane, for christsake.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Well, Calista was 27 when he started fucking her. And his first wife was in her early twenties when he started fucking her. For the smartest man in the history of civilization, he seems weirdly uncomprehending of the concept of aging.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Even my father, who in his youth was apparently (according to an uncle) a bit of a cocksman and would have fucked a knothole in a pine board, was noted to remark this weekend that young Cally was both hideous and repulsive. "And so is Newt," he concluded.

  • Schmegeg

    Let's deport all the Japanese to somewhere, just for fun.

    • Biff

      Or we could just inter gingrich at Manzanar instead.

    • user-of-owls

      Anywhere but Peru. They're still trying to recover from the last Nip that set up shop there. Twas only sheer luck that the poor bastards wound up avoiding having Alberto's even more demented daughter running the show right now. So please, they've suffered enough.

      • Biff

        What the holy fuck is that? A commie rat with a Kosher stamp?

        • user-of-owls

          Sure, let's go with that. Makes as much sense as the bizarre matron holding the bizarre daughter's placard. Or the bounding, dripping (lemur? stoat? koatimundi? miniature saber-toothed & saber-toed tiger?) on the bottom left.
          But to your question, what does that mysterious K vermin tattoo signify??

          [answers will not be graded on a curve. no extra credit. letter grade off for each day late. 12-point font. MLA. hard copy. no poo.]

  • sbj1964

    Virgina is for Lover's.

  • dennis1943

    Be sure not to include this episode on your resume…………

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This is almost as cool as watching the Cowboys getting their ass kicked the other day was.

  • gullywompr

    Dumbass doesn't know the difference between a Pearl Harbor and a Waterloo.

  • flamingpdog

    Slightly OT (although it does involve Newt), only $19.95 plus 4 Ameros shipping and handling for this horror flic.

    • HistoriCat

      Oh sure pdog – it's too late to put it on my Christmas wishlist!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Man, that gags maggots.

    • Chichikovovich

      "Ronald Reagan: Rendezvous with Destiny"?

      Was this the one that took place at the Newport News Motel 6 after her shift at the Liquor up Front/Poker in the Rear Gentleman's Club and Burlesque House?

    • El Pinche

      Spoiler Alert! : Reagan dies at the end and Newt never becomes POTUS.

  • AlterNewt

    Just one generation ago, every one of these…aspirants, would have been laughed out of the running within a week of announcing their candidacy. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.

    • MzNicky

      Not even that long ago, I think. I've been voting since McGovern ran against Nixon in 1972, and it seems like this shit just started getting really crazy circa 1984 or so. That's about when the Dems caved in and fully absorbed the post-Walter Cronkite-calling-Vietnam-bullshit, shouldered the "liberal media" castigation, and lost their spine. They've put up serial loser pussies ever since, until Obama. They're as much to blame for the current theater of the absurd as the loathesome Repugs are.

      • AlterNewt

        At least we are spared, this time around, the horror of a mirror-image-clown-car full of embarrassing Democratic primary hopefuls. So, Hooray. We've got that going for us.

  • Mahousu

    "Newt and I agreed that the analogy is December 1941 … specifically, December 13, 1941, when Sweden recorded its lowest temperature ever, -63 F (-53 C). We realized this would have to be the approximate temperature of hell for Newt to win anything."

  • Negropolis

    This proves it, y'all. Gingrich did 9/11…pass it on.

  • Huevos Ocupados

    Kamikaze libel?

  • Radiotherapy

    Hey, the Lions in the playoffs, fuck yeah. I can see it now, the Lions vs. Tebow/Jeebus in the Super Bowl. Final score: Lions 52, Tebow 3. Christianity hasn't taken such a hit since the Lions devoured them in the Coliseum.

  • dogscantlookup
  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    If Newt Gingrich thinks that his failure to get on the ballot in Virginia, because of his campaign's incompetance, is exactly like Pearl Harbor, then isn't he just saying, by extension, that his failure to get on the ballot in Virginia, because of his campaign's incompetance, is a great time to buy his latest book?

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    Has anyone else wondered how being having sex with Newt Gingrich seems to lead to having terminal illnesses that are not STDs?

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    In Newt's defense, he had no idea that law would apply to him. After all, it's clearly intended to keep obvious cranks off the ballot, really. Ergo, applying the signature requirements equally to all candidates in the Republican primary is exactly the same thing as the major act of war that drew US involvement into World War II. This is exactly the sort of thing you could expect to hear, from a non-crank candidate.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    BTW, What's up with the What Do You Think questions suddenly:

    "How familiar are you with Americans Elect"

    "Looking ahead six months, do you see the American economy improving, getting worse, or staying the same"

    Did Tom Friedmen write these questions, or something?

  • Poindexter718

    Newt called for the precautionary internment of all Virginians in Wyoming camps before realizing he was one of them.

  • sbj1964

    Only 2 republicans Ron Paul,and Willard Romney bothered to get on the ballot for Virginia.These clowns are dumber than many have even imagined.50 States guys 50!

    • LesBontemps

      57?

  • prommie

    Perfectly logical analogy: surprise sneak attack = written, published rules plainly set forth for all to see that you are such a fucking fuckup that you ignored.

  • AlterNewt

    ………tumbleweed…….

    • not that Dewey

      Indeed. Common courtesy mandates that Ken post something like "turn off your fucking computer and go play in the snow, like I'm doing" just so we can adjust our expectations.

      • user-of-owls

        That's racist against people who don't have expectations or snow or computers or fucking or 'turn offs' or 'Ken In Their Lives' or mandates or courtesy!

        That's what that is, by jeebers!

        • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

          It's *about time* someone stood up for us fucking-insecure Americans. Bravo, Owls!

          • user-of-owls

            You scare me.

        • not that Dewey

          You're racist against people who are racist against people who don't have expectations or snow or computers or fucking or 'turn offs' or 'Ken In Their Lives' or mandates or courtesy. Merely pointing out my racism is very racist of you.

          You're the REAL racist.

  • TeaNuts

    Frankly I'm surprised any of them got 10000 signatures. What a complete clusterfuck!

    • sbj1964

      George W Bush set the bar on intelligence for the GOP,and these morons can't even manage that.It's like Howard Dean is running the RNC.

  • Dürers Rhino

    Maybe it's a good thing that he's a politician and not actually teaching people history.

  • greypanter

    For the wonketteer olds, does Newt not remind one of Lou Costello yelling: "Hey Abbot?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZaOhMk1r5I

  • Geminisunmars

    Heeelllllllooooooo…Anybody home? Are we to be left stranded on the shores of Newt doing his Bud Abbott impression. Bring out your dead. How am I supposed to drink my coffee without fresh wonkette?

    • LesBontemps

      Lou Costello, dear. Bud Abbott was the tall thin one. But yes.

      • Geminisunmars

        Knowing Newt, he probably thinks he looks like Bud Abbott. It must be the Wonkette withdrawal that forced me to make such a blatant error.

        • LesBontemps

          It's okay, you look way too young to have actually seen any Abbott & Costello movies.

          • Geminisunmars

            I'm afraid I'm old enough to have seen Abbott & Costello, and also Little Rascals and Howdy Dowdy Time. Any one remember Gerald McBoingBoing?

          • user-of-owls

            No, but I do remember Mr. Green Jeans (aka, Lumpy, The Professor, Greeno The Clown, The Old Folk Singer, and Mr. Bainter the Painter) from Captain Kangaroo!

      • user-of-owls

        Duh, have you not heard that hybrids are de rigeur these days?

        See, NewtRomney.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Everyone is in mourning over Kim Jong Il…..

    or possibly the Van Halen 2112 Tour.

  • dunsel62

    As for the others who failed to make the ballot, Perry is claiming it's like the Alamo, Bachmann says she feels like she's being crucified and Santorum is whining that it's like a mudslide. A big, frothy mudslide.

  • thisonegoez211

    I got my robocall from the Newtbot on Tuesday evening last week asking me to go 22 miles to a Park N Ride in Richmond to sign a petition to get him on the ballot. The dates and times when I could sign it were Monday from 6-8 (already passed) and Tuesday from 5-7 (they called at 5:30 when I was en route to pick up a kid 10 miles in the opposite direction). Now I was thinking it might be funny to see Newt's name on the ballot but his organizational skillz left me no chance to punk my state. What is really interesting is that I'm a registered Democrat. Some list he bought…the lizard is a serious contender for the Executive in Chief.

  • JimNauseam

    Newt only sounds intelligent to stupid people.