WAR ON CHRISTMAS  3:33 pm December 25, 2011

Fancy Old Man In Bejeweled Golden Hat Warns of ‘Christmas Glitter’

by Wonkette Jr.

What's up, pedophile?A creepy old priest-king clad in Prada slippers, flowing robes of silken embroidery and an enormous bejeweled golden hat warned Christians that the true meaning of Christmas was being lost to a sinful pursuit of “glitter.”

The man, former Hitler Youth soldier Joseph Ratzinger of Bavaria, has somehow become the leader of the Roman church supposedly established by Peter, the confidant of Jesus. (It is the birth of Jesus that is celebrated today, on the old Julian calendar’s December 25 — Winter Solstice/Mithra’s Birthdate — and now known as Christmas!) Anyway, the wealthy, powerful old man in the jeweled golden hat lectured Catholics dressed in holiday finery during a spectacular Christmas Eve mass to “see through the superficial glitter of this season and to discover behind it the child in the stable in Bethlehem.”

The BBC reports on this major world media event led by the elegantly attired “Holy Father”:

Pope Benedict XVI has attacked the commercialisation of Christmas, as he held the traditional Christmas Eve Mass at St Peter’s Basilica in Rome.

In his homily, he urged worshippers to “see through the superficial glitter of this season and to discover behind it the child in the stable in Bethlehem”.

The Pope also lamented the enduring presence of violence in the world.

The Pope did not, obviously, lament the enduring presence of pedophilia in his impossibly wealthy global church. Merry Christmas! Don’t let your children get stuck alone in the cathedral with any priests! [BBC via Wonkette Xmas Elf "Minion 43728970"]

 
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{ 218 comments }

Barb December 25, 2011 at 3:36 pm

He will go back and put on his Pope goggles and pretend that nothing bad is happening within his church now.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Child rape inc.

Guppy December 25, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Sacramental wine goggles.

GhostBuggy December 25, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Uh, since when did a pope consider child rape bad?

LetUsBray December 25, 2011 at 10:12 pm

I seriously think a big reason the church has been slow to deal with their whole kiddie problem is that their initial impression was, well, at least there wasn't any sinning with sinful, icky women.

mourningnmerica December 26, 2011 at 1:43 am

Babs, yes, please let us all recall that good Pope Ratso refused to shitcan (no pun intended) Cardinal Law after all the facts were in.

Anyway, if I were looking for a fairy tale to believe in (I'm not), I would choose Mormonism. If you are a man,YOU GET YOUR OWN PLANET TO RULE, AS A GOD. Golly Jesus, only Islam, if you are a man, with the 72 Virgins, offers anywhere near as good a deal.

It seems to me that none of these have much to offer to the girls. Hence, if I were a female, I would prolly be a Wiccan.

Swampgas_Man December 26, 2011 at 8:44 am

I refuse point-blank to observe a religion that forbids bacon.

Lascauxcaveman December 26, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Yes, but what about booze? Mormonism is definitely out.

memzilla December 25, 2011 at 3:37 pm

I'm sure he's just (ahem) incensed by all these worldy trappings.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Nazi Rat bastard.Is what he is.

Biff December 25, 2011 at 6:54 pm

It had to said!

memzilla December 25, 2011 at 3:42 pm

To extend the alt-text:

See ya later, Sancti Pater!

After a while, pedophile.

CliveWarren December 25, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Avast, pederast!

Kudos, King of pedos!

Once you go papist… Well, you know…

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Send in the Alter boys! Fresh meat for Priests

NogFilledExistence December 26, 2011 at 9:49 am

But how can they be fresh meat if they're eunuchs?

MrFizzy December 25, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Hey Ben – if you don't like all the crass materialism of christmas, why don't you sell that fucking $10,000 hat and give the proceeds to the Salvation Army?

Gratuitous World December 25, 2011 at 4:06 pm

agreed.

and i know he has been wanting to break out the Penn State merchandise.

MrFizzy December 25, 2011 at 4:12 pm

They could do a Nittany Lion Pope Soap on a Rope, for horsing around.

Katydid December 25, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Too soon!

mayor_quimby December 26, 2011 at 12:29 am

You mean before their appearance in the Ticket City Bowl in Dallas? http://bleacherreport.com/articles/989184-penn-st
It could still all turn up roses, minus the Rose Bowl Game

Steverino247 December 25, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Don't ever give money to the Salivation Army. They get twice what the Red Cross gets every year and nobody has to account for any of it. The treatment of people in the various centers they run is just brutal.

starfanglednut December 25, 2011 at 6:14 pm

I won't give them a cent. They won't hire gay folks.

Steverino247 December 25, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Their basic message is "You're no damned good without Jesus." Their alcohol treatment consists of yelling at them about sin and broadcasting non-stop religious messages. They also use them as slave labor to process all the clothing donations they get. Somebody has to fold or hang up all that stuff. Guess who!

MissNancyPriss December 25, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Gawd, duly noted.

MrFizzy December 27, 2011 at 10:04 am

Totally agree – just the first thing I thought of! I can't stand those fuckers, doing a little good, but beating everyone over the head with that Jeebus crap as a penalty.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 6:43 pm

The Ratman is a poser!

LionHeartSoyDog December 25, 2011 at 11:51 pm

"Oh, the life that I live so sinful and evil,
…All the things that I do for the love of the devil
I know my reward
Will be Satan's jeweled crown."

weejee December 25, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Are we surprised by the omission of Papal comment on beloved Cardinal Buttsechs?

Oh well, before we move on to Muhammad Ali's and LimeyLizzie's favorite Boxing Day, one last carol:

♪♫ Deck us all with Boston Charlie
Walla Walla Washington and Kalamazoo
Norah's freezing on the trolley
Swaller dollar cauliflower Alleygaro ♫♪

memzilla December 25, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Albert the Alligator and I thank you for the shout out.

weejee December 25, 2011 at 3:59 pm

You're very welcome mem & thanks for all your great posts over this past year.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 25, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Last Christmas I received a copy of Pogo's Poop Book. Kelly's humor still holds up today.

Dudleydidwrong December 25, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Good King Sauerkraut looked out
On his feets uneven,
Where the snoo lay roundabout
All kerchoo achievin'

(As I remember the words)

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 6:45 pm

catchy tune! I'll be humming all day?

flamingpdog December 26, 2011 at 12:22 am

Walt Kelly, where are you when we really need ya?

ShaveTheWhales December 27, 2011 at 5:26 am

I sing this song every solstice season, and mostly get "are you having a stroke?" looks.

It's a sad fucking world that doesn't remember Walt Kelly

ttommyunger December 25, 2011 at 3:48 pm

"The main problem with Christianity, is Christians." – Mark Twain, I think; or some other smart fucker.

Isyaignert December 25, 2011 at 4:15 pm

"Lord, Protect me from your followers." – Seen on a bumpersticker

"I like your Christ, but not your Christians; they are so unlike your Christ." – Gahdhi

Dudleydidwrong December 25, 2011 at 6:31 pm

You'll have to act more redeemed if I'm to believe in your redeemer.

Isyaignert December 25, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Good one Dudley! Also, too (wink, wink) is the one about a Supreme Being by demanding to be worshiped diminishes their Supremeness – or something like that. It was a tagline on someone's Daily KOS comment. Sorry I couldn't be more eloquent, but I hope you get the gist.

Happy Holidays!

Lascauxcaveman December 26, 2011 at 12:40 pm

He can't help it; he's a jealous God.

comrad_darkness December 27, 2011 at 11:02 am

"Your Omnipotent, All Powerful Creator of the Universe sure seems an insecure fellow"

ttommyunger December 25, 2011 at 7:30 pm

A-FUCKING-MEN!

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Gandhi said " I like your Jesus,just not his followers".

ttommyunger December 25, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Yup!

Callyson December 25, 2011 at 3:49 pm

They make see – through glitter now? Cool!

SayItWithWookies December 25, 2011 at 6:39 pm

The emperor who had no clothes wore tons of that stuff. His descendants still do.

Biff December 25, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Reagan?

the_problem_child December 25, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Needs more glitter bombs.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 6:48 pm

ACE Freely Starchild Glitter!

Guppy December 25, 2011 at 7:54 pm

It's the most fabulous time of the year!

billy_reuben December 26, 2011 at 2:31 am

Needs more firebombs, is what it needs…

memzilla December 25, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Among the anagrams of "Joseph Ratzinger" are: Ripest John Gazer, Short Raping Jeez, Herpes Zit Jargon, and Posh Jeering Tzar.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Religion is a mind Virus,and it can be fatal.

coolhandnuke December 25, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Popemobile bumper sticker:
All that glitters is not God.

Fukui_Jong-un December 25, 2011 at 4:25 pm

"My other popemobile is a dirty white panel van with a mattress in the back"

imissopus December 25, 2011 at 5:38 pm

"If you see this van a-rockin', make like a Penn State football coach and don't believe your Lion eyes."

LetUsBray December 25, 2011 at 10:17 pm

And "free candy" scrawled on the sides.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Dove boy,to the Pope Cave!

nounverb911 December 25, 2011 at 4:02 pm

The true gift of Christmas is Newt not getting on the ballot in Virginia.

V572 the Merciless December 25, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, but he fuckin hates Newt. As w/a prospective Ron Paul preznidenzy, it makes you wonder: if he can't do this simple thing, how the hell will he run DoD, State, the Tea Tasting Board, etc.

Jukesgrrl December 25, 2011 at 5:17 pm

RIck Perry also failed to qualify. Ho, ho, ho … Merry Christmas!
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/rick-per

SayItWithWookies December 25, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Even better is Newt's reaction:

Gingrich's campaign attacked Virginia's primary system on Saturday, saying that "only a failed system" would disqualify Gingrich and other candidates and vowing to run a write-in campaign.

The same article mentions that Newt says he'll run a write-in campaign in Virginia, then notes that write-in campaigns are illegal in primary elections. Clearly if Newt doesn't win the nomination, it'll be due to a failure of the people to recognize his obvious superior fitness for the job.

Loaded_Pants December 25, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Or sees through his obvious bullshit (which is obvious bullshit, obviously).

billy_reuben December 26, 2011 at 2:34 am

Festivus came twice this year — yay!

Negropolis December 26, 2011 at 3:10 am

It'd be a gift if Virginia counted for shit in a GOP primary.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 26, 2011 at 10:10 am

What's particularly delicious is that he failed because half of the signatures on his petition were invalid. I want to believe it was devious liberals signing in droves, while putting down false addresses — but more likely it was thousands of idiot teabaggers who weren't registered GOPtards.

Extemporanus December 25, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Awwkwarrd…

gullywompr December 25, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Love fist on the avatar. Sparkley!

ManchuCandidate December 25, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Come on. Who doesn't hate that Mariah Carey movie?

Steverino247 December 25, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Hate the movie, love the singer.

outragedcitizen December 26, 2011 at 11:51 am

The acting/story line could have been save with a lot of nudity on Ms. Carey's part.

nounverb911 December 25, 2011 at 4:04 pm

“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.”
–W. C. Fields

Loaded_Pants December 25, 2011 at 10:28 pm

You see more pressies that way!

Salacious Crumb December 25, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Discover the child behind indeed.

MrFizzy December 25, 2011 at 4:18 pm

No child's behind left.

mavenmaven December 25, 2011 at 4:12 pm

He hates that Christmas glitter, it gets in every orifice and that Elmer's glue… why can't the targets (oops, kids) play with things easier to get off one's clothing?

Loaded_Pants December 25, 2011 at 10:27 pm

If he hates Christmas glitter so much, why can't he start with condemning paper Christmas cards? I get about a half dozen each year that shed all the glitter into the envelop that's supposed to be on the card. So when I open them, I end up getting glitter every-fucking-where. Once it gets on your fingers, it seems to always find a way onto your face, onto your clothes, in your hair, on your pets, etc.

Barrelhse December 25, 2011 at 4:16 pm

I've got a guy his name is Dooley
He's my guy and I love him truly.
He's not good looking, heaven knows,
But I'm wild about his crazy clothes! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gFOzaSQY6Q

Spurning Beer December 25, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Somebody get in touch with Fr. Guido Sarducci. And we are also going to need a Shephard Fairey poster update.

Barrelhse December 25, 2011 at 5:38 pm

And some fairy shepherds for the xmas pageant.

mayor_quimby December 26, 2011 at 12:40 am

*jazz hands!!!*
And, scene!

user-of-owls December 26, 2011 at 1:04 am

"GROPE"

blueb4sunrise December 25, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Is some Papist hacker fucking with the wonkette?

Monsieur_Grumpe December 25, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Mindlessly following bizarre rituals that make no sense in today's world, the Pope might as well be an alien from anther planet. Actually, if he was an alien, I might listen to his dribble. At least he would have an excuse for looking and acting weird.

Bonzos_Bed_Time December 25, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Have you heard the story of Xenu?

Sparky_McGruff December 26, 2011 at 8:53 am

Can I interest you in a personality test?

paris biltong December 25, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Instead of faking it in sixty-four languages, he would speak in tongues.

Negropolis December 25, 2011 at 11:10 pm

But, you must admit, it's quite the spectacle. Midnight Mass at the Vatican makes the Mormon Tabernacle Choir look like a dime-store performance. Midnight Mass at the Vatican is the Cirque du Soleil of religious pomp.

MrFizzy December 25, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Jerry Sandusky would look super in that outfit.

Radiotherapy December 25, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Gary Glitter is totally confused now.

Fukui_Jong-un December 25, 2011 at 5:05 pm

I once got a formal reprimand for describing a product update as "quicker than a greased Glitter through a kindergarten"

Radiotherapy December 25, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Yeah, and don't drink The Holy Egg Nog.

Loaded_Pants December 25, 2011 at 10:20 pm

That's not "egg" that's in there.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 26, 2011 at 10:12 am

You mean, "don't swallow", right?

V572 the Merciless December 25, 2011 at 4:57 pm

My GF's Italian relatives, who are here this year, are certain that Pope J²P² ended the Cold War and destroyed the Soviet Union. But being Eye-talians, they have serious doubts about this guy.

paris biltong December 25, 2011 at 6:35 pm

You forgot Poland!

Biff December 25, 2011 at 7:01 pm

And reagan!

glamourdammerung December 25, 2011 at 9:03 pm

And Soros.

Steverino247 December 25, 2011 at 8:36 pm

That pope made a deal with the communist government of Poland: Give us back the children and the schools and we'll sit on Lech and his Solidarity movement for you. Desperate, they took the deal. Lech went fishing and never worked another day at the yard, the movement stagnated and the Catholic clergy got all the kids they could eat. JP2 sold out his own people in other words.

Loaded_Pants December 25, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Pope Johnny Pauly the Secondy ended the Cold War with a wave of his magical hands. But he knew, in his heart, that Ronald Reagan would probably get all the credit.

rocktonsam December 25, 2011 at 4:58 pm

and everyone's shorts are in a bunch over a muslin preznit or mittens even

Crank_Tango December 25, 2011 at 5:05 pm

war on xmas libel!!

Bonzos_Bed_Time December 25, 2011 at 5:05 pm

No more glitter = Gheyz are bad.

That and don't spend money on friends and family (or yourself!); Send it to Rome so we can replace our gilded walls with solid-gold walls!

Oh, and keep sending us the young boys!

Jukesgrrl December 25, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Prada red shoes libel!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The fashionistas (and Sen. Miss Lindsey) weep.

Cheers to all!

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Cannon Law! The Pope is back,and he pissed.(Movie guy voice)

Rotundo_ December 25, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Yes, the figurehead of the most opulently wealthy religion in the world pontificating about not being materialistic, while surrounded by gold, silver and marble fit for any emperor, might have some problems with not seeming unintentionally ironic. Of course a former Hitler jugend member preaching about love and tolerance might be thought the same, Or someone assisting in covering up child sexual abuse on an institutional level while preaching responsibility and morality and ethics could also have some difficulty not seeming hypocritical as well. Oh well, it's Christmas and we're celebrating a birthday that almost certainly did not happen on this day and firing up all sorts of pagan rituals to honor Jeebus and that flys on this day too. Happy Holidaze Y'all!

Loaded_Pants December 25, 2011 at 10:15 pm

One thing you have to say about southern Baptists, is they are committed to their crazy beliefs without having to honor an "infallible" figurehead who's insanely rich…well, unless they belong to one of those megachurches…..

bumfug December 25, 2011 at 5:31 pm

The Vatican blamed "fatigue" when, throughout his Christmas message, the pontiff repeatedly referred to the occasion as "Kristallnacht". #oldnazisjustfadeaway

Loaded_Pants December 25, 2011 at 10:11 pm

"O Kristallnacht" is one of the lesser known/least performed hymns.

Negropolis December 25, 2011 at 11:11 pm

Do I go to Catholic hell for laughing at that so hard?

bumfug December 26, 2011 at 12:42 am

There won't be room for you there once they jam the college of cardinals in.

Negropolis December 26, 2011 at 3:03 am

Since it's a college, all of their sins are simply chalked up to hazing, so they'll be room for me yet, in their minds.

bumfug December 26, 2011 at 3:26 am

You're thinking of the Prep School of Cardinals, they're the ones who do all the hazing.

not that Dewey December 25, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Zombie Christopher Hitchens, in Maxwell Smart voice:

Missed it by THAT much!

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Superman VS Jesus! The man of steel takes on the man from Israel.Jesus sent to earth by his father his only son(Yahweh-EL).Superman sent to earth by his father his only son.(Jor-EL) same last name.Jesus raised by two mortal parents Marry & Joseph.Superman raised by two mortal parents Martha & Jonathan Kent.Jesus loses his mortal father at a young age.Superman loses his mortal father at a young age.Jesus had the 12.Superman had the Justice League.Jesus brought Lazarus back to life.Superman brought Lois back to life.Jesus was tempted by Lucifer.Superman was tempted by Luthor.Jesus was a man of BC.Superman a man of DC.Jesus was said to be able to look into a mans heart.Superman had X-ray eyes ,and could actually see your heart.Jesus could walk on water.Superman could run across water.Jesus died to save mankind.Superman died saving all mankind.Jesus resurrected.Superman resurrected.So many things in common except Superman never lied.He never asked anyone to worship him,and will never send you to hell.So ask yourself who would you rather call on in your time of need a fictitious character in a poorly written book for children,or SUPERMAN ?

V572 the Merciless December 26, 2011 at 1:13 am

Your Superman/Jeebus exegesis is majestic, sbj1964. I offer this humble tribute, recalled by memory from the teevee show:

Look, up in the sky! It's bird! It's a plane! It's Superman! Yes, it's Superman! Strange visitor from another planet, with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound — it's Superman! — who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel in his bare hands, and who (disguised as Clark Kent) fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the American way.

sbj1964 December 26, 2011 at 1:42 am

Thanks,But I forgot to mention Jesus was a Jew.Superman created by 2 Jewish guys.It's like Jesus traveled into the future ,and stole the Superman story.

V572 the Merciless December 26, 2011 at 2:08 am

Jerry Siegel andJoe Shuster of Cleveland, who got screwed by the comic cartels, but later got credit and pensions for life. Lots of suing. The convoluted, somewhat sad story is here.

VinnyThePooh December 25, 2011 at 5:42 pm

This coming from the head of the world's first true global conglomerate.

glamourdammerung December 25, 2011 at 6:35 pm

I would have figured that all the reassigning child rapists to help them avoid prosecution would have fallen under some kind of RICO rule by now.

SpiderCrab December 25, 2011 at 5:53 pm

The Pope's Knows.

Isyaignert December 25, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Haha – a friend of mine calls the turkey tail the pope's nose!

NogFilledExistence December 25, 2011 at 6:13 pm

What about the Papal Mirrorball?

Barrelhse December 25, 2011 at 6:57 pm

And the Papal Smear?

Loaded_Pants December 25, 2011 at 10:09 pm

They can't give that one up, that's for the best Vatican parties.

YasserArraFeck December 26, 2011 at 10:23 am

That's "Papal Mirrorballs" – King Rat likes to have them Bejazzled

Mumbletypeg December 25, 2011 at 6:16 pm

All right, I'll give up my annual Tour of Xmasified Garishly-Lit Neighborhoodz, and I'll forfeit winding tinsel around the dog's ears and tail, & seeing how long it takes him to decide they're annoying. But Pope Ratz can pry my Tacky Christmas Sweater parties from my cold dead hands!

SayItWithWookies December 25, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Bikerfriendlybar? See, I knew you chose your handle for a reason!

Mumbletypeg December 25, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Alas, I chose the handle in ignorance of its meaning; and linked to the random Xmas event b/c I was still rummaging around for evidence of my own sin.

Mumbletypeg December 25, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Holy See, Holy Do, also~

Bonzos_Bed_Time December 25, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Holy pee all over you!

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Holy pee for the pope not poo kiss my ring this pee's for you.

ShaveTheWhales December 27, 2011 at 5:32 am

Holy fuck, indeed.

Joshua Norton December 25, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Hey Benny. Love the dress, but your purse is on fire.

Loaded_Pants December 25, 2011 at 9:40 pm

I always loved that joke.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 10:06 pm

That old thing? Just something he had in the closet.

paris biltong December 25, 2011 at 6:28 pm

For humility, give me the Dalai Lama any day. Or my local parish priest, who puts up illegal immigrants in a church building and lets the homeless keep warm in the pews. I once apologized for not knowing quite how to address him by explaining that I was a Protestant, to which he replied "Me too."

Guppy December 25, 2011 at 8:00 pm

"explaining that I was a Protestant, to which he replied "Me too." "

Did it occur to you he may have been speaking literally? Does it actually say "Catholic" above the door? Holy hand grenade and everything?

I mean, I know the eggnog recipe went up last night, and…

Negropolis December 25, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Are their any protestant denominations that refer to their local leaders are parish priests? Honestly, I'm wondering.

mayor_quimby December 26, 2011 at 12:53 am

Episcopalians, I think. Our dude even mentioned god transmitting DNA to Jesus in the sermon today. NOT very baptist.

Negropolis December 26, 2011 at 3:05 am

After I asked that, I was thinking Epsicopalians/Anglicans probably do given they have cathedrals.

paris biltong December 26, 2011 at 6:08 am

The parish I'm referring to is Saint Jean Baptiste de Belleville, in Paris. Definitely not protestant, but the "curés" there are or the protesting kind.

Mike Licht December 25, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Yo Pope! Trade them sissy Prada kicks for some Air Jordans.
http://wp.me/p6sb6-bY7

glamourdammerung December 25, 2011 at 6:34 pm

I do not recall PanzerPope donating all the Church's vast wealth. I do not even recall them trying to avoid paying damages for the times they got caught in that institutionalized system of child rape.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Catholics you can't rape the willing.

glamourdammerung December 25, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Children are incapable of giving consent, no matter how much some of the priests and their scumbag defenders like Bill Donohue might try to claim the victims "seduced" those poor, blameless pedophiles.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Priest are the Shepard's of the flock.Shepard's Fleece & Fuck the sheep,or the Sheeple.

Beowoof December 25, 2011 at 6:35 pm

I have always regretted not purchasing the Angel Lighter at the Vatican when I was there. Of course the flame shot out the Angel's penis, and it was being sold by some young Asian girls who chased us onto the tour bus so I don't think it was church approved.

DahBoner December 25, 2011 at 6:42 pm

I personally bought a pen there that if you hold it upside down, the pope's dress comes off…

Loaded_Pants December 25, 2011 at 9:59 pm

I'm guessing that it was bootleg/not officially licensed merch.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 8:50 pm

I would pay to see that!

ShaveTheWhales December 27, 2011 at 5:33 am

Um, I'm thinking you shoulda negotiated with the young Asian girls.

DahBoner December 25, 2011 at 6:41 pm

A old queen who wears white dresses and red shoes knows a LOT about glitter, kids!

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 8:49 pm

I think the Ruby slippers are a little over the top.

Loaded_Pants December 25, 2011 at 9:34 pm

This whole being told to "see through the glitter of the season" from the Pope is like being told by a drag queen that you're wearing too much make up.

Dudleydidwrong December 25, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Uh, your holiness, Divine looked better in Pink Flamingos. Not as much glitter, either. http://www.espritlibre.ws/celebrities/photos/3113
vs http://images.politico.com/global/080414_pope1.jp

Isyaignert December 25, 2011 at 8:36 pm

Can't argue with that Dudley; especially when Divine's pointing a gun at 'cha.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Lady Gaga cornered the glitter market.

SayItWithWookies December 25, 2011 at 6:57 pm

I like how he glides through St. Peter's Basilica pushed by two white-gloved bellhops as though he were the world's most expensive piece of luggage at the poshest hotel in the world, too. It certainly adds moral weight to his message of humility and godly privation, especially knowing he was elected mostly because it was his turn. Shit, even the American people didn't give Hillary or John McCain or Bob Dole that kind of a pass.

Merry Christmas all ye Christians trying to live the exemplary life — and Benny 16, the war on Christmas begins at home.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 8:45 pm

The Pope is a cross dresser.

SayItWithWookies December 25, 2011 at 7:20 pm

You glided through St. Peter's
Like a set of Louis Vuitton
Your mitre embroidered in gold thread —
Your best cassock and cape on —

You had one eye on the altar boy
And one hand on Saint Paul —
And all the nuns in gray habits still hate you
Habits still hate you, habits still hate you and

You're so vain
Humility's a virtue for others
You're so vain
It clashes with your glittery Pradas
Don't it, don't it

Well you had a cushy sinecure
As enforcer of canon law
And you praise Darwin and Copernicus
As though that was an issue at all

But you'll give away your gold ferula
When they pry it from your dead hands
'Cause the meek won't inherit the earth in your lifetime
Earth in your lifetime, earth in your lifetime and

You're so vain
Humility's a virtue for others
You're so vain
It clashes with your glittery Pradas
Don't it, don't it

AlterNewt December 25, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Even the Vatican is part of the conspiracy to cover up the world-wide glitter shortage. It remains unclear whether His Holiness is a willing participant or merely 'IL Dupe'.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 8:44 pm

The cast of Fox & Friends are his Shock troops.

Guppy December 25, 2011 at 8:03 pm

"former Hitler Youth soldier"

He just wants to recapture those fond childhood memories. (#9)

Loaded_Pants December 25, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Really, #9 would probably be the worst reason to return to the Catholic faith. Especially if you had been fingered by a priest.

UW8316154 December 25, 2011 at 8:19 pm

I've done way too much shopping this week. Since when is Christmas just about presents? Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day? The birth of Santa.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 8:42 pm

I like that,mind if I send that to Bill O'reilley?

Loaded_Pants December 25, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Just wait, O'really will start claiming next year that the War On Christmas now involves liberal parents telling their children that it's a celebration of the birth of Santa and not Christ.

Steverino247 December 25, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Just say "Nope!" to the Pope.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Pope of NAMBLA.

NogFilledExistence December 25, 2011 at 11:22 pm

The Grope Pope.

Mike Licht December 25, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Popes gotta dress flash for the disco.
http://youtu.be/wOQx9-MPhhE

AlterNewt December 25, 2011 at 9:01 pm

"It must be hard being the Pope"

"No, my child. One just needs to push a little harder."

(op.cit. unknown)

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 9:59 pm

I'm sure the Pope would love to give him some personal time.

Come here a minute December 25, 2011 at 10:32 pm

You scumbag – you maggot – you cheap lousy faggot – Happy Christmas your arse – I pray God it's our last

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Tell us how you really feel.

Come here a minute December 25, 2011 at 11:45 pm

The boys of the NYPD choir, still singing "Galway Bay", and the bells are ringing out for Christmas day.

NogFilledExistence December 26, 2011 at 2:28 am

I could've been someone..

GorzoTheMighty December 27, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Well so could anyone…

YasserArraFeck December 26, 2011 at 10:30 am

Needz moar teeth

Negropolis December 25, 2011 at 11:08 pm

Needz way, way, way less Mariah Carey.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 11:29 pm

Mariah ! Now that's a sweet bit O honey!

user-of-owls December 25, 2011 at 11:26 pm

It is the birth of Jesus that is celebrated today, on the old Julian calendar’s December 25 — Winter Solstice/Mithra’s Birthdate

I knew it! I just knew it!

That big pussy Jerusalem Slim shares a birthday with MOTHRA!! The giant moth and the Peanuts/Shobijin would put Slim and all fucking twelve of the depantsed dee-sciples on the ground in a heartbeat, and that's no lie.

MOTHRA >> jesus

bagofmice December 26, 2011 at 12:49 am

Mothra bitshifted Jesus? Goddamn.

user-of-owls December 26, 2011 at 1:03 am

Powdery bitch don' fool around, yo. And gram fo' gram, dem Peanuts badder den Mike Tyson wif da muncheez.

Radiotherapy December 25, 2011 at 11:29 pm

The Poop didn't seem think this was to glittery.

Mumbletypeg December 26, 2011 at 12:08 am

Perfect! I'd forgotten about that.

Radiotherapy December 26, 2011 at 12:20 am

Hey, Happy Solstice there M.
I wish I could forget that.

Mumbletypeg December 26, 2011 at 12:42 am

And same to you & yours! All I got for Xmas was a vintage horror flick poster, suitable for framing, and a bizarrely savage leg cramp while sleeping off the imbibement. As we say around the workplace when the workload piles up: "Ehhh.. too. much. excitement."

NogFilledExistence December 26, 2011 at 1:59 am

Forgot all about that–I think I'll make 0:22 my wallpaper for awhile.

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 11:46 pm

A woman go's into the confessional it's the young Priests first day on the job.He says "What is it my child? She says "forgive me father last night I gave a man a blow job."The young Priest starts to freak! What do I give for a blow job? It must be more than 10 hail Marries.So he opens the door too the confessional ,and yells out across the church.HEY ALTER BOY! What does a Priest give for a blow job? The Alter boy says" Usually a pat on the head ,and a candy bar."

DustBowlBlues December 26, 2011 at 12:19 am

Very good.

Put on a magnificent Xmas for the family and they seemed grateful. Fancy that. Considered several times how much I missed me potty-mouth loser pretend friends.

If a flash of decency registered though this old man's calcified conscience, he would prostrate himself on the floor of one of his golden chapels then pay the settlements for the abuse of boys and girls that he tolerated for all those years.

If the RCC got away with that sick shit in the USA and Europe, what the hell are they doing in poor, developing nations where the priest is still top dog.

Merry Xmas, everyone. Now I'm going to throw up the six pounds of trifle and standing rib that I consumed.

mayor_quimby December 26, 2011 at 1:03 am

I agree about Ratzy, but i have dietary questions. WTF is a trifle, and how do you eat it?

Biff December 26, 2011 at 8:12 am

Glad to hear you survived, anyway.

Steverino247 December 27, 2011 at 11:02 am

"Twenty bucks, same as downtown."

BarackMyWorld December 26, 2011 at 12:42 am

Epic hypocrisy is epic.

Bonghits4Jesus December 26, 2011 at 1:33 am

Stop buying crap and send money to the Vatican so they can pay off the pedo-priest lawsuits.

El Pinche December 26, 2011 at 1:35 am

El Pinche: You know what it means when I get 2 bottles of Jack Daniels, bottle of Rosebank 20 yrs, a whisky flask, and nice mini bar set for christmas?
El Pinche's wife: That you're a hopeless alcoholic??!1??
El Pinche: Nope, it means I loooove whiskey.

sbj1964 December 26, 2011 at 2:45 am

I only drink to kill the pain,and I only have the pain because I drink.Vicious circle.

El Pinche December 26, 2011 at 10:38 am

Man that's gotta be some type of proverb.

Tatá December 26, 2011 at 7:02 am

FELIZ ANO NOVO,COM MUITAS BENÇÃOS.

NogFilledExistence December 26, 2011 at 7:49 am

¿Todo el mundo escuchar cancion el Xuxa?

Biff December 26, 2011 at 8:13 am

Happy Boxing Day, wonket. What did you bring me? Never mind, I'll just have a look around…

Huevos Ocupados December 26, 2011 at 8:21 am

Note that he didn't come out against the duet with Bieber? Methinks the old Nazi drag Queen has a touch of Bieber fever…

Monsieur_Grumpe December 26, 2011 at 10:07 am

Just imagine the spectacular magic underwear that the Pope must wear.

Dudleydidwrong December 26, 2011 at 10:45 am

Thanks. Thanks a lot. On this dreary day-after-the day morning you stir up much too much in my imaginatorium. I don't like thinking about Romney's or Huntsman's magic thongs and now you have thrust the image upon me of some old Nazi's skivvies and declared them to be magic. I'll bet that the poor little Italian woman who does the pope's holy/holey laundry doesn't find any "magic" in them.

CountryClubJihadi December 26, 2011 at 11:09 am

Gold-Leaf skid marks, for sure.

owhatever December 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

How difficult is this to understand, people? Stop buying i-Stuff and send your money to me!

macrodoodle December 26, 2011 at 1:58 pm

I had just yesterday mentioned to my wife the dissonance of seeing His Holiness all pimped out and lecturing middle managers, shoe repair shop owners, and middle school vice-principals about going out to Red Lobster, buying their kids Androids and otherwise spluriging on materialistic foofaraw.

Numbat_Dundee December 26, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Never trust a man who kisses airports.

Chet Kincaid December 26, 2011 at 7:11 pm

"Bram Stoker's Papacy"

Before…
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_38ADWMNW–o/TUdmuLZQtFI

…and after meeting the most pious and devout Boy Acolyte:
http://images.wikia.com/horrormovies/images/d/dc/

Bill_Mars December 27, 2011 at 9:06 am

Cross dressing old German men creep me out.

rickmaci December 27, 2011 at 2:05 pm

"Since the earliest days the church, as an organization, has thrown itself violently against every effort to liberate the body and mind of man. It has been, at all times and everywhere, the habitual and incorrigible defender of bad governments, bad laws, bad social theories, bad institutions. " — H L Mencken, Treatise on the God.

ndisang67 December 27, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Is it only me? or why does the man look like he needs a blow-job so bad….

Tatá December 27, 2011 at 5:30 pm

VAMOS SER FELIZEZ SEMPRE;

NogFilledExistence December 28, 2011 at 2:53 am

Debido de Xuxa!

sbj1964 December 25, 2011 at 10:00 pm

The Pope has no time to suffer he is busy poking holes in condoms.

paris biltong December 26, 2011 at 6:27 am

Onward Christian Soldiers. Soup, soap, salvation maybe, but still an army, with uniforms and ranks.

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