war on christmas

Fancy Old Man In Bejeweled Golden Hat Warns of ‘Christmas Glitter’

What's up, pedophile?A creepy old priest-king clad in Prada slippers, flowing robes of silken embroidery and an enormous bejeweled golden hat warned Christians that the true meaning of Christmas was being lost to a sinful pursuit of “glitter.”

The man, former Hitler Youth soldier Joseph Ratzinger of Bavaria, has somehow become the leader of the Roman church supposedly established by Peter, the confidant of Jesus. (It is the birth of Jesus that is celebrated today, on the old Julian calendar’s December 25 — Winter Solstice/Mithra’s Birthdate — and now known as Christmas!) Anyway, the wealthy, powerful old man in the jeweled golden hat lectured Catholics dressed in holiday finery during a spectacular Christmas Eve mass to “see through the superficial glitter of this season and to discover behind it the child in the stable in Bethlehem.”

The BBC reports on this major world media event led by the elegantly attired “Holy Father”:

Pope Benedict XVI has attacked the commercialisation of Christmas, as he held the traditional Christmas Eve Mass at St Peter’s Basilica in Rome.

In his homily, he urged worshippers to “see through the superficial glitter of this season and to discover behind it the child in the stable in Bethlehem”.

The Pope also lamented the enduring presence of violence in the world.

The Pope did not, obviously, lament the enduring presence of pedophilia in his impossibly wealthy global church. Merry Christmas! Don’t let your children get stuck alone in the cathedral with any priests! [BBC via Wonkette Xmas Elf “Minion 43728970″]

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  1. Barb

    He will go back and put on his Pope goggles and pretend that nothing bad is happening within his church now.

      1. LetUsBray

        I seriously think a big reason the church has been slow to deal with their whole kiddie problem is that their initial impression was, well, at least there wasn't any sinning with sinful, icky women.

    1. mourningnmerica

      Babs, yes, please let us all recall that good Pope Ratso refused to shitcan (no pun intended) Cardinal Law after all the facts were in.

      Anyway, if I were looking for a fairy tale to believe in (I'm not), I would choose Mormonism. If you are a man,YOU GET YOUR OWN PLANET TO RULE, AS A GOD. Golly Jesus, only Islam, if you are a man, with the 72 Virgins, offers anywhere near as good a deal.

      It seems to me that none of these have much to offer to the girls. Hence, if I were a female, I would prolly be a Wiccan.

  2. MrFizzy

    Hey Ben – if you don't like all the crass materialism of christmas, why don't you sell that fucking $10,000 hat and give the proceeds to the Salvation Army?

    1. Steverino247

      Don't ever give money to the Salivation Army. They get twice what the Red Cross gets every year and nobody has to account for any of it. The treatment of people in the various centers they run is just brutal.

        1. Steverino247

          Their basic message is "You're no damned good without Jesus." Their alcohol treatment consists of yelling at them about sin and broadcasting non-stop religious messages. They also use them as slave labor to process all the clothing donations they get. Somebody has to fold or hang up all that stuff. Guess who!

          1. paris biltong

            Onward Christian Soldiers. Soup, soap, salvation maybe, but still an army, with uniforms and ranks.

      1. MrFizzy

        Totally agree – just the first thing I thought of! I can't stand those fuckers, doing a little good, but beating everyone over the head with that Jeebus crap as a penalty.

    2. LionHeartSoyDog

      "Oh, the life that I live so sinful and evil,
      …All the things that I do for the love of the devil
      I know my reward
      Will be Satan's jeweled crown."

  3. weejee

    Are we surprised by the omission of Papal comment on beloved Cardinal Buttsechs?

    Oh well, before we move on to Muhammad Ali's and LimeyLizzie's favorite Boxing Day, one last carol:

    ♪♫ Deck us all with Boston Charlie
    Walla Walla Washington and Kalamazoo
    Norah's freezing on the trolley
    Swaller dollar cauliflower Alleygaro ♫♪

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Good King Sauerkraut looked out
      On his feets uneven,
      Where the snoo lay roundabout
      All kerchoo achievin'

      (As I remember the words)

    2. ShaveTheWhales

      I sing this song every solstice season, and mostly get "are you having a stroke?" looks.

      It's a sad fucking world that doesn't remember Walt Kelly

  4. ttommyunger

    "The main problem with Christianity, is Christians." – Mark Twain, I think; or some other smart fucker.

    1. Isyaignert

      "Lord, Protect me from your followers." – Seen on a bumpersticker

      "I like your Christ, but not your Christians; they are so unlike your Christ." – Gahdhi

        1. Isyaignert

          Good one Dudley! Also, too (wink, wink) is the one about a Supreme Being by demanding to be worshiped diminishes their Supremeness – or something like that. It was a tagline on someone's Daily KOS comment. Sorry I couldn't be more eloquent, but I hope you get the gist.

          Happy Holidays!

  5. memzilla

    Among the anagrams of "Joseph Ratzinger" are: Ripest John Gazer, Short Raping Jeez, Herpes Zit Jargon, and Posh Jeering Tzar.

    1. V572 the Merciless

      Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, but he fuckin hates Newt. As w/a prospective Ron Paul preznidenzy, it makes you wonder: if he can't do this simple thing, how the hell will he run DoD, State, the Tea Tasting Board, etc.

    2. SayItWithWookies

      Even better is Newt's reaction:

      Gingrich's campaign attacked Virginia's primary system on Saturday, saying that "only a failed system" would disqualify Gingrich and other candidates and vowing to run a write-in campaign.

      The same article mentions that Newt says he'll run a write-in campaign in Virginia, then notes that write-in campaigns are illegal in primary elections. Clearly if Newt doesn't win the nomination, it'll be due to a failure of the people to recognize his obvious superior fitness for the job.

    3. Biel_ze_Bubba

      What's particularly delicious is that he failed because half of the signatures on his petition were invalid. I want to believe it was devious liberals signing in droves, while putting down false addresses — but more likely it was thousands of idiot teabaggers who weren't registered GOPtards.

  6. nounverb911

    “Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.”
    –W. C. Fields

  7. mavenmaven

    He hates that Christmas glitter, it gets in every orifice and that Elmer's glue… why can't the targets (oops, kids) play with things easier to get off one's clothing?

    1. Loaded_Pants

      If he hates Christmas glitter so much, why can't he start with condemning paper Christmas cards? I get about a half dozen each year that shed all the glitter into the envelop that's supposed to be on the card. So when I open them, I end up getting glitter every-fucking-where. Once it gets on your fingers, it seems to always find a way onto your face, onto your clothes, in your hair, on your pets, etc.

  8. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Mindlessly following bizarre rituals that make no sense in today's world, the Pope might as well be an alien from anther planet. Actually, if he was an alien, I might listen to his dribble. At least he would have an excuse for looking and acting weird.

    1. Negropolis

      But, you must admit, it's quite the spectacle. Midnight Mass at the Vatican makes the Mormon Tabernacle Choir look like a dime-store performance. Midnight Mass at the Vatican is the Cirque du Soleil of religious pomp.

    1. Fukui_Jong-un

      I once got a formal reprimand for describing a product update as "quicker than a greased Glitter through a kindergarten"

  9. V572 the Merciless

    My GF's Italian relatives, who are here this year, are certain that Pope J²P² ended the Cold War and destroyed the Soviet Union. But being Eye-talians, they have serious doubts about this guy.

    1. Steverino247

      That pope made a deal with the communist government of Poland: Give us back the children and the schools and we'll sit on Lech and his Solidarity movement for you. Desperate, they took the deal. Lech went fishing and never worked another day at the yard, the movement stagnated and the Catholic clergy got all the kids they could eat. JP2 sold out his own people in other words.

    2. Loaded_Pants

      Pope Johnny Pauly the Secondy ended the Cold War with a wave of his magical hands. But he knew, in his heart, that Ronald Reagan would probably get all the credit.

  10. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    No more glitter = Gheyz are bad.

    That and don't spend money on friends and family (or yourself!); Send it to Rome so we can replace our gilded walls with solid-gold walls!

    Oh, and keep sending us the young boys!

  11. Rotundo_

    Yes, the figurehead of the most opulently wealthy religion in the world pontificating about not being materialistic, while surrounded by gold, silver and marble fit for any emperor, might have some problems with not seeming unintentionally ironic. Of course a former Hitler jugend member preaching about love and tolerance might be thought the same, Or someone assisting in covering up child sexual abuse on an institutional level while preaching responsibility and morality and ethics could also have some difficulty not seeming hypocritical as well. Oh well, it's Christmas and we're celebrating a birthday that almost certainly did not happen on this day and firing up all sorts of pagan rituals to honor Jeebus and that flys on this day too. Happy Holidaze Y'all!

    1. Loaded_Pants

      One thing you have to say about southern Baptists, is they are committed to their crazy beliefs without having to honor an "infallible" figurehead who's insanely rich…well, unless they belong to one of those megachurches…..

  12. bumfug

    The Vatican blamed "fatigue" when, throughout his Christmas message, the pontiff repeatedly referred to the occasion as "Kristallnacht". #oldnazisjustfadeaway

        1. Negropolis

          Since it's a college, all of their sins are simply chalked up to hazing, so they'll be room for me yet, in their minds.

  13. sbj1964

    Superman VS Jesus! The man of steel takes on the man from Israel.Jesus sent to earth by his father his only son(Yahweh-EL).Superman sent to earth by his father his only son.(Jor-EL) same last name.Jesus raised by two mortal parents Marry & Joseph.Superman raised by two mortal parents Martha & Jonathan Kent.Jesus loses his mortal father at a young age.Superman loses his mortal father at a young age.Jesus had the 12.Superman had the Justice League.Jesus brought Lazarus back to life.Superman brought Lois back to life.Jesus was tempted by Lucifer.Superman was tempted by Luthor.Jesus was a man of BC.Superman a man of DC.Jesus was said to be able to look into a mans heart.Superman had X-ray eyes ,and could actually see your heart.Jesus could walk on water.Superman could run across water.Jesus died to save mankind.Superman died saving all mankind.Jesus resurrected.Superman resurrected.So many things in common except Superman never lied.He never asked anyone to worship him,and will never send you to hell.So ask yourself who would you rather call on in your time of need a fictitious character in a poorly written book for children,or SUPERMAN ?

    1. V572 the Merciless

      Your Superman/Jeebus exegesis is majestic, sbj1964. I offer this humble tribute, recalled by memory from the teevee show:

      Look, up in the sky! It's bird! It's a plane! It's Superman! Yes, it's Superman! Strange visitor from another planet, with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound — it's Superman! — who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel in his bare hands, and who (disguised as Clark Kent) fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the American way.

      1. sbj1964

        Thanks,But I forgot to mention Jesus was a Jew.Superman created by 2 Jewish guys.It's like Jesus traveled into the future ,and stole the Superman story.

        1. V572 the Merciless

          Jerry Siegel andJoe Shuster of Cleveland, who got screwed by the comic cartels, but later got credit and pensions for life. Lots of suing. The convoluted, somewhat sad story is here.

  14. Mumbletypeg

    All right, I'll give up my annual Tour of Xmasified Garishly-Lit Neighborhoodz, and I'll forfeit winding tinsel around the dog's ears and tail, & seeing how long it takes him to decide they're annoying. But Pope Ratz can pry my Tacky Christmas Sweater parties from my cold dead hands!

  15. paris biltong

    For humility, give me the Dalai Lama any day. Or my local parish priest, who puts up illegal immigrants in a church building and lets the homeless keep warm in the pews. I once apologized for not knowing quite how to address him by explaining that I was a Protestant, to which he replied "Me too."

    1. Guppy

      "explaining that I was a Protestant, to which he replied "Me too." "

      Did it occur to you he may have been speaking literally? Does it actually say "Catholic" above the door? Holy hand grenade and everything?

      I mean, I know the eggnog recipe went up last night, and…

      1. Negropolis

        Are their any protestant denominations that refer to their local leaders are parish priests? Honestly, I'm wondering.

        1. mayor_quimby

          Episcopalians, I think. Our dude even mentioned god transmitting DNA to Jesus in the sermon today. NOT very baptist.

        2. paris biltong

          The parish I'm referring to is Saint Jean Baptiste de Belleville, in Paris. Definitely not protestant, but the "curés" there are or the protesting kind.

  16. glamourdammerung

    I do not recall PanzerPope donating all the Church's vast wealth. I do not even recall them trying to avoid paying damages for the times they got caught in that institutionalized system of child rape.

      1. glamourdammerung

        Children are incapable of giving consent, no matter how much some of the priests and their scumbag defenders like Bill Donohue might try to claim the victims "seduced" those poor, blameless pedophiles.

  17. Beowoof

    I have always regretted not purchasing the Angel Lighter at the Vatican when I was there. Of course the flame shot out the Angel's penis, and it was being sold by some young Asian girls who chased us onto the tour bus so I don't think it was church approved.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      This whole being told to "see through the glitter of the season" from the Pope is like being told by a drag queen that you're wearing too much make up.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    I like how he glides through St. Peter's Basilica pushed by two white-gloved bellhops as though he were the world's most expensive piece of luggage at the poshest hotel in the world, too. It certainly adds moral weight to his message of humility and godly privation, especially knowing he was elected mostly because it was his turn. Shit, even the American people didn't give Hillary or John McCain or Bob Dole that kind of a pass.

    Merry Christmas all ye Christians trying to live the exemplary life — and Benny 16, the war on Christmas begins at home.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    You glided through St. Peter's
    Like a set of Louis Vuitton
    Your mitre embroidered in gold thread —
    Your best cassock and cape on —

    You had one eye on the altar boy
    And one hand on Saint Paul —
    And all the nuns in gray habits still hate you
    Habits still hate you, habits still hate you and

    You're so vain
    Humility's a virtue for others
    You're so vain
    It clashes with your glittery Pradas
    Don't it, don't it

    Well you had a cushy sinecure
    As enforcer of canon law
    And you praise Darwin and Copernicus
    As though that was an issue at all

    But you'll give away your gold ferula
    When they pry it from your dead hands
    'Cause the meek won't inherit the earth in your lifetime
    Earth in your lifetime, earth in your lifetime and

    You're so vain
    Humility's a virtue for others
    You're so vain
    It clashes with your glittery Pradas
    Don't it, don't it

  20. AlterNewt

    Even the Vatican is part of the conspiracy to cover up the world-wide glitter shortage. It remains unclear whether His Holiness is a willing participant or merely 'IL Dupe'.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Really, #9 would probably be the worst reason to return to the Catholic faith. Especially if you had been fingered by a priest.

  21. UW8316154

    I've done way too much shopping this week. Since when is Christmas just about presents? Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day? The birth of Santa.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        Just wait, O'really will start claiming next year that the War On Christmas now involves liberal parents telling their children that it's a celebration of the birth of Santa and not Christ.

  22. AlterNewt

    "It must be hard being the Pope"

    "No, my child. One just needs to push a little harder."

    (op.cit. unknown)

  23. Come here a minute

    You scumbag – you maggot – you cheap lousy faggot – Happy Christmas your arse – I pray God it's our last

      1. Come here a minute

        The boys of the NYPD choir, still singing "Galway Bay", and the bells are ringing out for Christmas day.

  24. user-of-owls

    It is the birth of Jesus that is celebrated today, on the old Julian calendar’s December 25 — Winter Solstice/Mithra’s Birthdate

    I knew it! I just knew it!

    That big pussy Jerusalem Slim shares a birthday with MOTHRA!! The giant moth and the Peanuts/Shobijin would put Slim and all fucking twelve of the depantsed dee-sciples on the ground in a heartbeat, and that's no lie.

    MOTHRA >> jesus

      1. user-of-owls

        Powdery bitch don' fool around, yo. And gram fo' gram, dem Peanuts badder den Mike Tyson wif da muncheez.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          And same to you & yours! All I got for Xmas was a vintage horror flick poster, suitable for framing, and a bizarrely savage leg cramp while sleeping off the imbibement. As we say around the workplace when the workload piles up: "Ehhh.. too. much. excitement."

  25. sbj1964

    A woman go's into the confessional it's the young Priests first day on the job.He says "What is it my child? She says "forgive me father last night I gave a man a blow job."The young Priest starts to freak! What do I give for a blow job? It must be more than 10 hail Marries.So he opens the door too the confessional ,and yells out across the church.HEY ALTER BOY! What does a Priest give for a blow job? The Alter boy says" Usually a pat on the head ,and a candy bar."

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Very good.

      Put on a magnificent Xmas for the family and they seemed grateful. Fancy that. Considered several times how much I missed me potty-mouth loser pretend friends.

      If a flash of decency registered though this old man's calcified conscience, he would prostrate himself on the floor of one of his golden chapels then pay the settlements for the abuse of boys and girls that he tolerated for all those years.

      If the RCC got away with that sick shit in the USA and Europe, what the hell are they doing in poor, developing nations where the priest is still top dog.

      Merry Xmas, everyone. Now I'm going to throw up the six pounds of trifle and standing rib that I consumed.

  26. El Pinche

    El Pinche: You know what it means when I get 2 bottles of Jack Daniels, bottle of Rosebank 20 yrs, a whisky flask, and nice mini bar set for christmas?
    El Pinche's wife: That you're a hopeless alcoholic??!1??
    El Pinche: Nope, it means I loooove whiskey.

  27. Huevos Ocupados

    Note that he didn't come out against the duet with Bieber? Methinks the old Nazi drag Queen has a touch of Bieber fever…

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Thanks. Thanks a lot. On this dreary day-after-the day morning you stir up much too much in my imaginatorium. I don't like thinking about Romney's or Huntsman's magic thongs and now you have thrust the image upon me of some old Nazi's skivvies and declared them to be magic. I'll bet that the poor little Italian woman who does the pope's holy/holey laundry doesn't find any "magic" in them.

  28. macrodoodle

    I had just yesterday mentioned to my wife the dissonance of seeing His Holiness all pimped out and lecturing middle managers, shoe repair shop owners, and middle school vice-principals about going out to Red Lobster, buying their kids Androids and otherwise spluriging on materialistic foofaraw.

  29. rickmaci

    "Since the earliest days the church, as an organization, has thrown itself violently against every effort to liberate the body and mind of man. It has been, at all times and everywhere, the habitual and incorrigible defender of bad governments, bad laws, bad social theories, bad institutions. " — H L Mencken, Treatise on the God.

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