This Holiday, Start Your Own Eggnog Riot With Our Handy Recipe!

  also a holiday cocktails blog

It's not just the War on Xmas, it's actual War, on Xmas.

You probably can’t quite get yourself worked up enough over the new Air Jordans to join the bloodthirsty mobs across the nation tearing each other’s limbs off under rainstorms of police pepper-spray in order to get hold of some ugly sneakers down at the mall, because that is awful. But did you know that Americans used to hold holiday riots over much more fun things, like eggnog? It’s true! In 1826, a group of mischievous West Point cadets smuggled many, many gallons of whiskey into the Academy to make a nice boozed-up eggnog for the Christmas party, just like George Washington also used to love for celebrating the baby Jeebus. As a result of getting wasted, on eggnog, they lost their minds and mutinied like hell for TWO STRAIGHT DAYS. Sounds more fun than bleeding to death out your ears on the floor of the mall, right? So here is a recipe for you to get the ball rolling on your very own commemorative Eggnog Riot:

Get together a dozen super fresh eggs (because you are eating these RAW, remember?), 1.5 cups granulated sugar, 6 cups milk, 4 cups heavy cream, a few big teaspoonfuls of grated nutmeg, and of course, booze. Rum, brandy, rye whiskey or any of the liquors popular with movie pirates, or bourbon, will all work. Tequila is an example of a liquor that will not work unless you are making the Mexican version of eggnog, a “margarita.”

Separate the eggs. Have you seriously never done this before? Okay fine, we have taken the three seconds you would have needed to find an instructional video from the nineties that LUCKILY FOR YOU has made its way onto YouTube. Set aside the egg whites and do not throw them away.

Put the egg yolks into a large bowl — a mixing bowl, not just the biggest cereal bowl you have, and then dig out the electric mixer you haven’t touched since you bought it at a garage sale last summer because you figured it would inspire you to cook home meals more often. Mix on a low setting for a few minutes until the yolks’ color lightens up and stops taking everything so seriously.

 
Related video

Continue mixing on a low setting as you gradually add in the sugar. Once that makes a nice, even goo, you can add in the milk, the cream and the nutmeg. Mmmmm, CALORIES. We should have mentioned at the outset that you probably will not want to eat anything else for the rest of the day, but that’s okay since Aunt Gert tired herself out and just decided to serve one of those rubbery microwaveable precooked hams that was on sale at Sam’s Club for dinner this year.

Now the fun part: the booze! This is the CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE part of the recipe: you can use anywhere from two cups of liquor to give the nog a wimpy little nip, or you can go the full George Washington and save freedom by throwing in up to a quarter-gallon of alcohol, like he used to. If you’re combining various types of liquors, mix them together first before slowly adding them to the egg yolk-dairy mixture. Keep stirring for a minute or two after you’ve got all the booze in, because why not.

ALMOST THERE. Rinse off the electric beaters (UNPLUG THE DAMN THING FIRST), and then figure out where you left the egg whites, hopefully in a bowl and not in, say, your pants pocket. Beat the egg whites with the mixer on a high setting for 4-5 minutes until they fluff the hell up. They need to form a thick foam that holds a little bit of a shape. Maybe yell at them, to be encouraging. Then dump the foam into the booze-milk bowl and mix it up! TA-DA.

Let this sit covered in the fridge if you can put off your riot for one more hour.

Serves probably …eight people? Sure. Enough to start a riot. Happy Holidays!

Related

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

294 comments

  1. memzilla

    For the GOP version of this concoction, mix in equal parts of children's tears and dashed hopes.

    Best served on a balcony overlooking poor people stomping each other to buy crap made in China by the factories you outsourced their jerbs to.

        1. poncho_pilot

          or tropane alkaloids–they're vegetables, adenosine triphosphate, capsaicin–also a vegetable, or deuterium.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        Ah, sweet drinks. So smooth, and yet, so vicious. The list of sweet drinks that will never pass my lips again: peppermint schnapps, margaritas (or any tequila, for that matter), screwdrivers, orange curacao (they said I was actually dancing on the park table), black Russians, eggnnog (you know, if you bury your head deeply enough into the toilet for a long, long time you'll notice that there is crud up under the lip of the bowl that you have missed when cleaning), etc., etc.

        1. HedonismBot

          I'd tell you my worst drunk stories, but I don't remember them.
          Yagermeister tops my list of "drinks that will never pass my lips again." Tequila is a close second. My heavy drinking days are behind me. I'm mostly a beer guy now, and usually just in moderation.
          But I like to get wasted on rare occasions, if for no other reason than it serves as a good reminder of why I don't do it more often.

    1. Jeffer

      Hey, you wanna see something fun, watch "The Line Makers" on the Velocity Channel. These Goomba's (and I mean that in the best way) drink shots, beers and cocktails, and talk the odds while talking trash with each other. This week, Barb and I watched one of these guys go through 4 shots of yeager during the show. We were screaming!
      Just so you know what Christmas is like in our house. It's total debauchery!

      1. Barb

        I up-fist you here and then I am ready for bed, boss man, where you will be up-fisted again. Let's "sleep in heavenly peace" and make that lasagna tomorrow.

    1. ThundercatHo

      "and now the rest of the story." That shit used to be on our clock radio every morning and I would wake up listening to this guy drone on and on with his boring-ass story thinking, "What's the punchline/answer already? Get to the fucking point!" Then, finally, he would and it was always stupid/trivial and I would get out of bed homicidal. But, at least it was a million times better than Howard Stern or listening to The Eagles.

      1. Gratuitous World

        haha. i was subjected to it by my mom every morning as a child. totally concur.

        it would've been more entertaining if he made shit up.

        "and the name of that dog molestor? Tom Bosley. I'm Paul Harvey…"

      2. Loaded_Pants

        Gah…Grandma Pants loved her Paul Harvey. She listened everyday. He was in her personal Holy Trinity: Jesus, Ronald Reagan, and Paul Harvey (in the order).

    2. flamingpdog

      Aw, I have a soft spot for the old goat. I spent the summer of '77 sweating in the desert wastelands of the western part of the square state doing field work with a fellow student, and the only radio station we could get on the AM radio was a local station that alternated a pop song (♪ "Aaaaaaafternoon Delight"♪) with a country-western song all day, along with 20 whole minutes of "That's Jazz" every Friday afternoon. Paul Harvey at noon and 5:00 was good for the only laughs of the day.

  2. SexySmurf

    If that sounds like too much work (and it does!), you can instead get high by eating a lot of nutmeg .

    1. mrbubb

      To be fair, it's, like, *a lot* of nutmeg. That's why it's banned here at the Maricopa County Correctional Institute for Men.

        1. flamingpdog

          "Milk .. milk is what the Cowsills drink!" Richard Nixon (being played by the late comedian David Frye) quote.

          Milk is also what douchebag sociopath Mormon Presidential candidates drink. Merry Christmas everyone!

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Really, when I first tried eggnog I thought: "Why is this shit such a big deal? It's like drinking pancake batter."

  3. coolhandnuke

    I'll be sippin' the nog tonite, wearing my new Air Jordans while my Xbox blares violent and my $2 waffle maker cooks away.
    USA USA USA USA USA USA

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Watching your $200 big screen that you had to step over dead bodies to get to. But goddamit! You got the deal!

  4. Bluestatelibel

    This sounds like an excellent accompaniment to the cocktail hot dogs that always make me sick for a week, thx.

  5. MzNicky

    Do you have a vegan version of this recipe? No? Eh, I'll just go straight to the liquor then.

    Cheers, everybody!

  6. mavenmaven

    And if you are Jewish, serve this drink along with latkes and guilt, or screw it all and just order Chinese.

  7. Maman

    OOOOH. I love the older dangerous recipes much more than the cooked nogs of the modern era. Ya gotta take some chances in life people. Plus, I think the liquor kills the germs. I am feeling riotous already. Point me to the Air Jordans!

    1. finallyhappy

      Many years ago- I had a temp job and my boss asked me to help her make 2 day egg nog. On day one, we did the egg yolks and added the liquor- rum and a flavored liquor- I cannot remember- 35 years ago- to the yolks- to "cook" the yolks. Day two was everything else- pretty much llike this recipe

    2. sbj1964

      Air Jordans are the Gayest most over price pieces of shit!Made with the tears of Chinese children! I own 3 pairs.

    3. poncho_pilot

      "you need a little danger in your life. take a fucking chance, will you? what are going to do, play with your prick for another thirty years? what are you gonna read People Magazine and eat at Wendy's until the end of time?" –George Carlin

  8. imissopus

    This sounds like a great deal of work. I recommend what I did last night: buy a quart of eggnog and a bottle of Jack at Ralphs or the grocery store of your choosing, pour a quarter-cup of the Jack and about 1/4 of the carton of eggnog into a Newcastle Brown Ale promotional glass some girls from a marketing firm were handing out in a bar one night awhile back, and stir. Enjoy while watching an episode of South Park involving the Canadian princess being kidnapped from her royal wedding – a great day for Canada and therefore the world. Merry Xmas!

    1. tcaalaw

      into a Newcastle Brown Ale promotional glass some girls from a marketing firm were handing out in a bar one night awhile back

      So that explains where the random Newcastle Brown Ale glass I have in my cupboard came from!

  9. ThundercatHo

    Does eggnog taste better if you drink it with bacon? Cuz the stuff I've tasted always makes me gag.

    1. flamingpdog

      Somebody posted earlier today about quarks and now you're posting about nog? What is this, Jesus's birthday or Captain Sisko's birthday tomorrow?

    1. HistoriCat

      With the right ingredients, you could have a new drink on your hands. Hmmm…

      Never mind – down thread Spurning Beer has it covered.

  10. user-of-owls

    I knew giving up drinking would be hard. What I didn't know is that it's also apparently treasonous. Now I'm scared that Washington will kick me apart.

    You are very mean, By "Kirsten Boyd" Johnson, and I hope Santa gets you something that's the wrong size AND he forgets the receipt.

    1. Nothingisamiss

      Wonkette is treasonous, also, too, so the drinking part should just make the gitmo stay easier for you.

  11. Spurning Beer

    Kirstin, this is just another example of the lamestream media refusing to inform the American public about alternative nogs, such as shrimp nog, butterscotch nog, turnip nog, and moo goo gai nog.

  12. Geminisunmars

    Kirsten – when are you going to come out with your own cookbook. I'd buy it. That almost inspired me to make some some eggnog, except my eggs are too old.

  13. Spurning Beer

    This recipe can be adapted in the early primary states to make Santorum 2012 Nog, by adding a quarter cup of molasses and four tablespoons of cocoa to the milk-cream mixture and another two tablespoons to HALF the egg whites, which are beaten to a stiff froth. Add the remaining egg whites unbeaten to the brown froth. Spike with Kaluha, and serve in Fleet squeeze bottles.

  14. Joshua Norton

    Too much beating. Too much cleaning up. My never-fail recipe:

    1 half gallon Safeway egg nog.
    1 half gallon Rebel Yell

    Pour one of them into a bowl. Then pour the other into the bowl.

    Mix well. Or not.

    Serve ham biscuits on the side.

    Cheers.

    1. oldmayfly

      You want to beat a lot of air into the whites–make them not quite stiff–when you stir the fluffy whites in, it lightens the punch. BTW, it is important to dry those beaters after rinsing and before you start beating the whites. You don't want any water in the egg whites.

        1. OneDollarJuana

          I would ban all milk products, because I'm allergic and can't eat cheddar cheese anymore. So there!

          1. poncho_pilot

            i would ban pickled cucumbers, yellow mustard, Miller Lite, Boddingtons, and lactose intolerance.

          1. Chichikovovich

            Yes, I think Marmite/Vegemite and Peanut Butter provoke similar reactions: beloved by people who grew up with it, detested by people who didn't. My English/Australian friends mostly swear by Marmite/Vegemite as among their favorite comfort foods, while I found the couple of times I tried, it made me as close to physically ill as any non-spoiled food had ever done. Virtually everyone outside of North America seems to react to peanut butter the same way.

            But in the spirit of the Holiday season let's throw our arms open to foods of all lands, despised by outsiders – peanut butter, marmite, haggis, pickled herring, that spiced/mulled wine with sliced almonds witches brew called glögg they drink in Scandinavia,….

            OK, no haggis. Love and tolerance have their limits.

      1. BigDumbRedDog

        I would ban egg nog and then make a mayo and peanut butter sandwich and wash it down with root beer. And then drunk with my new found power I would ban black licorice and most tomato based products. Oh and sauerkraut.

        1. Limeylizzie

          I would make a magnificent feast of Italian food, Southern variety, with lots of seafood and pasta for all my Wonkette friends, then , sated, we would whip each other with fronds of black licorice fashioned into cats o'nine tails and see what happened after that…I suspect it would be much more fun than your regime of mayo and peanut butter.

        2. Isyaignert

          Know what's good on a PB and mayo sandwich? Thinly sliced peeled carrots. No lie! Gives it a nice sweet, colorful crunch.

    1. yyyaz

      Tom Robbins and I will not be voting for you. Now had you advocated against beets, boiled, pickled, dickled or otherwise, and rhubarb pie, you would have had my attention. Rhubarb pie started out as a practical joke/poisoning method, but those without tastebuds and a tolerance to oxalates lived and passed it on.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Tebow's performance in a losing cause was even more impressive: One running touchdown, and three passing touchdowns. If two of those passing touchdowns hadn't gone straight into the arms of Buffalo defenders, who knows how the game might have gone.

      But there is a message there: 13/30 passing, 4 interceptions, two of them pick-sixes, and one fumble is the kind of performance a mere mortal man would be hard-pressed to achieve without Divine intercession.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        "… 13/30 passing, 4 interceptions, two of them pick-sixes, and one fumble …"

        What did you just write?

        1. Chichikovovich

          Sorry, too much American football jargon. A high-class joint, this, and international too.The Anointed One attempted 30 passes, and completed only 13. This is a very poor performance for a professional quarterback. Even worse, the Holy Spirit directed 4 of those passes into the arms of defenders, for an interception. (Extremely bad.) Even worse, God so willed it that a path was cleared for two of those interceptions to be returned by the defensive players for touchdowns (worth six points – hence the slang “pick-six – plus a near certain chance at one more, two more if you take a more significant gamble and succeed.) Finally, God also willed that the ball should slip from the Chosen one's hand for a fumble (though Denver recovered it). As a result mostly of these miscues, (three of the interceptions came on consecutive series when the game was still close) the Denver team was defeated by a lopsided 40-14 score against a team they were favored to beat.—

          1. Chichikovovich

            Yes – the slang "pick" for interception has been around as long as I can remember. When the Lottery Pick-Six was introduced and widely publicized, it was just a matter of time before some sportscaster would hit on "pick-six" for those interceptions returned for TDs. Then by the iron law of sportscaster mimicry, every one else would start using it obsessively so it quickly lost any hint of cleverness it may have had, and became a settled cliché. But in this case it's a useful one, as there isn't any other quick designator for the same thing.

          2. Chichikovovich

            I think the official story will be that this is all Allah's doing. God, being a good family man and devoted single Father, wanted to spend some quality time with his Son on His birthday. (Normally there would be an ambiguity in that sentence, since it wouldn't be clear whose birthday “His birthday” refers to. But thanks to the Councils of Nicaea, Constantinople and Calcedon, that's, like, y'know,… not a problem.) So Allah got the evening shift and decided to grease the wheels for the introduction of Sharia law.—

          3. paris biltong

            Your expertise obviously extends to many fields of human knowledge and it is not my intent to challenge anything you say, only to add further amplification regarding the expression "pick six" which, if memory serves me right, originated in a (relatively stupid from a horseplayer's view point but profitable for the track and the state) bet where one had to divine he winners of six consecutive horse races (at odds generally of well over one million to one). I've been staying away from the tracks for the past twenty-five years or so and don't know if this wager is still offered.

          4. Chichikovovich

            I did not know that – thanks. The lottery designation presumably came from these racing wagers. Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance, one morsel at a time….—

      1. Chichikovovich

        Now that girls are being allowed to play football some of them are developing pretty hard, tight, accurate spirals. Of course, there are still a few girls that throw like Tim Tebow.

    2. flamingpdog

      There is no joy in Mudville – mighty Timmy has struck out.

      Well, except for me, 'cause I'm still a Deadskins fan. But then there's no joy in that these days (= last two decades), either.

    1. yyyaz

      An extra flagon or two of rum, a midnight rendevous with the figurehead and you don't miss 'em too much.

    2. flamingpdog

      Speaking of sodomy and the lash, you'd think sweet Sara Benincasa would at least drop by to wish us all a Merry Thrashmas.

  15. TanzbodenKoenig

    Just closed up the shop, bout to spend all my Xmas cash on booze and frozen pizza and weed – of course you're all invited. Merry Jesusween all you Worthly Wokette Skum!

          1. NYNYNYjr

            Oh yeah, Lee was enrolled at the time of the Egg Nog Riot- so was Jefferson Davis. How precipitating……..

  16. ttommyunger

    Anybody that goes to that much trouble for a fucking drink has way too much time on their hands, sorry. Now get off my lawn!

      1. ttommyunger

        I have to agree. My only problem is: all the questions of the Universe are answered when I'm toked, but the next day I can't even remember the questions, much less the answers. Finally just gave it up (along with everything else, it would seem).

        1. HistoriCat

          If marijuana is the gateway drug, Wonkette is the final addiction. Or something. It sounded profound in my head. Maybe it would sound better if I had some sort of mind-altering substance in me.

  17. BigDumbRedDog

    Today I am celebrating the REAL meaning of Xmas by reading my favorite bible story. It's the one where Jesus Claus invades the land of Mordor with his army of elves riding reindeer. I just got to the part where king Joffrey has Eddard Stark beheaded. Exciting stuff! I don't understand why people keep telling me that the bible is boring and makes no sense.

    Also, egg nog is vile and makes me want to puke. The only drinks suitable for xmasween are ones that have to be lit on fire before consuming.

      1. ThundercatHo

        Speaking of which, I just saw the trailer for The Hobbit. Part 1 is due out 12/14/2012 (so no end of the world) and Part 2 follows a year later. So, yay! I now have a reason to live for 2 more years.

  18. Joshua Norton

    I like Xmas for the presents. I like Easter for the chocolate eggs, and I like St. Swithin’s day for the look of bewilderment on people’s faces when I say what day it is.

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      Don't forget to mention St. Crispian's day.

      "What? You don't know about St. Crispian's Day? You're all 'western culture…western culture' and you don't know St. Crispians day? Why do you hate Western Civilization, you piker?!"

      1. Chichikovovich

        St. Crispian's day is good, but there is a risk of getting burned if you try this trick on someone who is a fan of Shakespeare's Henry V. And they don't even have to be fans of the whole play, just the hero's famous speech before Agincourt:

        This day is call'd the feast of Crispian.
        He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
        Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,
        And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
        He that shall live this day, and see old age,
        Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
        And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian.'
        Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
        And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.'
        Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
        But he'll remember, with advantages,
        What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
        Familiar in his mouth as household words-
        Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
        Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
        Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.
        This story shall the good man teach his son;
        And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
        From this day to the ending of the world,
        But we in it shall be remembered-
        We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
        For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
        Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
        This day shall gentle his condition;
        And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
        Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
        And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
        That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

        1. Dashboard Buddha

          One of my favorite passages. On the other hand, I'm guessing a lot of fundies and the like aren't as big a fan of western civ as they claim to be, simply because they know fuck all about it. They only know the bits where it says it's ok to keep darky down.

    2. flamingpdog

      I like Some Saints' Day. It used to be All Saints' Day, but times are tough even for the Catholic Church, and they had to let some of them go the past few years.

      1. Chichikovovich

        It's very sad. The Saint's union is hunkering down to protect as many positions as they can, but it's meant that the young saints with only six or seven posthumous miracles can't get even a couple of hours devoted to them, and are lucky to become patron saints of new types of smartphone. And then of course the more experienced saints with thousands of quality posthumous miracles on their resumés are being forced to take early retirement – they've priced themselves out of the marketplace. Look what happened to St. Christopher – There are a lot of people in the Sanctified community who are appalled by what happened, the way he got his day jerked away without warning – leaving thousands of travellers stranded without protection. But nobody wants to talk about it – everyone is looking over their shoulder.

    3. DemmeFatale

      There were some English, delightfully crude, "Carry On…" movies that took place in St. Swithen's Hospital. I wonder if they're the same.
      (Anyway, thanks for the flashback.)

      Happy Holidays!!

    1. BelleSC

      Same here. Ham and Prosecco. Plus the most yummilicious chocolate cake in the whole damn universe thanks to my friend for giving me the recipe.

      Eggs Benedict for breakfast first though.

  19. natoslug

    I thought of making noggy drinks, but they leave me queasy. So instead I filled the day with fresh Lemon Drops and life is so much better, thanks. It's almost time to start tossing presents at the kids.

  20. chascates

    Don't think that a couple of days off and a gross glass of cheap liquor and dairy products are going to change anything in America:
    40 Undeniable Pieces of Evidence That Show America Is In Decline
    #1 Back in 1985, 11 million vehicles were sold in America. In 2009, only 5.4 million vehicles were sold in America.
    #2 In 1990, the median age of a vehicle in the United States was just 6.5 years. Today, the median age of a vehicle in the United States is approximately 10 years.
    http://www.afa.net/Blogs/BlogPost.aspx?id=2147515

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      I went to a presentation from one of our "partners" this week where they show us how to protect and grow a customers wealth. He would point to several boxes that contained things that "all of us have" like a house, 401k, home/life/disability insurance/stocks.

      I took stock of what I have.. A 12 year old car, 6 guitars, and a cat. Fuck. 'em and their protective "moat". They take their chances…I take mine.

    2. Bluestatelibel

      Don't the Cubans drive old cars too? But, wait, they're communist. At least we have a 1% to look up to and admire their vulgar displays of wealth.

    3. not that Dewey

      That's a really convenient list of everything that's wrong with the Reagan Revolution, trickle-down economics, Tea Party politics, the Bush presidency, libertarianism, and social conservatism. I'm surprised that AFA is admitting it, all in one place.

    4. HedonismBot

      Either A.) we got all the vehicles we need, B.) cars made within the past 10-20 years are more durable than those made 30-35 years ago, or C.) Americans have decided we don't need no stinkin' cars and are now walking and using public transportation more often.
      Either way, win win! Merry Jesusweenukwanzaa!
      (My glass is neither half full nor half empty. I prefer bottles. Bottoms up!)

      1. Chichikovovich

        I'll wager that a substantial fraction of the AFA's membership and financial supporters is made up of rural small-town car salesman inexorably creeping toward bankruptcy thanks to a variety of forces they don't understand. (Declining rural population, wide availability of information on the internet,…) Americans keeping cars longer and buying new ones is, to them, a sign of treason on the level of imposing Sharia.

        1. paris biltong

          They do also worry about the costly education they provide their children, since "The percentage of mail carriers with a college degree is now 4 times higher than it was back in 1970."

        2. HedonismBot

          I know these things. I made a lame, Pollyanish attempt at a joke that fell flat. (Note to self: next time drink moar nog.)

  21. OneDollarJuana

    Before you feel guilty about quaffing a few cups of eggnog this Solstice, remember that in the early 19th century the average alcohol consumption per capita was about 3-1/2 stiff drinks. Since it's per capita, it means that the "grown-ups" were drinking their kids' share.

    So, pound 'em with pride! (And apologize in a few weeks when you realize that no-one is talking to you anymore.)

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      Is that 3-1/2 drinks per capita per day? Cuz if it is, I've been rocking it Founding Fathers style for a while now.

    2. chascates

      Friends and neighbors, low-alcohol beers and ciders were the sustenance of our ancestors! Water and milk weren't safe to drink, fermentation kills all unpleasant flora. Ken Baker's latest on Prohibition and Michael Pollan's Botany of Desire teach us we live in the best of all possible worlds: infinite variety of liquid intoxicants for discerning adults and safe potable water and milk for children.
      Now if we could only enjoy the most common and safest of combustible, psychoactive weeds, a gift of evolution if not of a deity, legally and cheaply our world would be blessed.
      Because that's how I tune out those bigoted, crazed fellow citizens who make so much noise!
      MERRY FESTIVUS!

      1. UW8316154

        I'm from the Pacific Northwest, where cow pastures sprout fields of friendly, happy schrooms – talk about a gift of evolution!

        1. chascates

          I've heard of the Psilocybe azurescens found along northern Oregon/southern Washington coast which is supposed to be quite potent with great visuals. Please send sample if possible.

  22. Doktor Zoom

    So, I read the link to the article about unruly shoppers mobbing stores selling the new retro Air Jordans…and I wondered, gosh, I wonder what the nice Folks at Free Republic staying about this? As it turns out, the combination of "black people," "sneakers," and "riot" led to THREE separate posts where oppressed white folks got the chance to express their amusement at the antics of those wacky dusky-hued people.

    A Child's Garden of Freepers' thoughtful musings:

    If these animals will do this for shoes is there any doubt as to how they will behave WTSHTF?

    Well there was a recent article about why there were so few blacks at Occupy. Apparently if they are expected to camp outside on a sidewalk in the cold, there better be some damn nice shoes available at the end!

    whatever happened to just being happy with an old caddy parked out by the shanty with a big sat-tv dish prominently displayed? whilst sitting on one’s porch waiting on the “check” and playing dominos…

    Next, one of these morons and his friends will post a video of them standing over a dead body making gang symbols while one of them is ripping the ‘Concords’ off the dead 8-year-old they shot. “Yeah, we gots duh ‘cords,’ emeffers, and you ain’t got $#1T!”

    So, it’s come to this: Zillions of Obama voters tearing each other to pieces over sneakers. That’s really civil, isn’t it?

    Wait until the government runs out of printing press ink to print up more money for welfare and other socialist programs… this kind of behavior will be pouring out in the streets…

    There is a Federal program which issues sneaker stamps to the "deprived."

    Drudge had four articles about this today from four seperate publications. On every one comments had been disabled. I see the same on the article you linked to. LOL!

    Fo shizzle, ma nizzle. By the end of the Communist world, in the 1980s, forced government censorship was in many cases no longer necessary. Self-censorship ruled. You know very well why comments were disabled. We can't be thought of as R-A-C-I-S-T ! , can we?

    What a bunch of STUPID PEOPLE! I wonder what percent of these idiots are on welfare?

    Who can tell me what ALL those national "scuffles" had in common? Anyone? Buehler?

    I believe that the Godless have won the battle for our culture. They have replaced Him as the source of fulfillment and happiness with the material. They have pretty much destroyed Europe and now they are close with us.

    If they can afford a pair of Air Jordans, then they don’t need ANY assistance from the taxpayers. Get their names and anyone who is on government assistance is instantly and permanently dropped from the rolls. Let them eat their shoes.

    There is something wrong with a system which allows people like this to cancel out the vote of hard working Americans.

    I'd bet everyone of them was on some taxpayer funded assistance. [Needless to say, this poster probably deducts their mortgage interest...]

    I pray they would all clamor with that much enthusiasm to get into the church door.

    I just saw on Drudge a picture of Obama proudly walking with his pair tucked under his arm. Why am I not surprised?

    Dem some fugly shoes, fo’ shizzle!

    Yes, but if you’re planning on being a criminal, they can make it so much more comfortable when you’re running from the cops.

    followed by: Outrun a pistol slug going 1,000+ feet per second or a assault rifle round going 2,300 to 3,300 feet per second? Not on your best day and fanciest Air Jordan sneakers. However, you will have the nicest sneakers in the morgue for awhile.

    Leroy & Tyrone, just got to hab dem shoes.

    I don’t know how much they cost..All I know is it is to much an the shoes are not worth someone getting beat up or killed over..But then again some races will kill you over a dime if you are white..

    And finally, the winner:

    Everytime I see stories like that I move ammo up on my shopping list.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Part Deux:

      So they can run faster with their heroin booty.

      Where can I get me some homey?!

      Can I git' me a pair of Air Jordans with my EBT card? Just askin'!!!

      My local shoe emporium takes foo stams!

      I wonder if I could sell my vote to DNC for a pair?

      So, we can expect a resurgence of murders of middle school kids, FOR THEIR DAMNED SHOES, whose parents have no better sense than to buy into this BS marketing crap from NIKE! These people haven’t a clue. No wonder they stay down on the plantation. [No doubt "these people" simply don't recognize that the right's blacks are better]

      Just think what would happen if they didn’t receive their welfare checks!

      Dem EBT cards be scannin’ a mile o’ minute …..

      The Christmas spirit—GHETTO style.

      Cut off their EBT cards and I could understand this in search for food….but for shoes???

      Imagine what its like after the welfare checks show up and the malt liquor supply on the shelves are low…

      And finally, a couple of voices of moderation:

      Regrettably for all the decent folks who happen to look like them, the demographic in the videos appears to be as expected.

      followed shortly thereafter by: For sure. The decent blacks will be tarred with this brush. It makes you want to go out with a 2×4 and smack these people in the head, first to get their attention, then to insert some sense into them.

      I just LOVE the sympathetic tone there–"I feel so bad for the fact that a lot of white people will overgeneralize about black people based on the behavior of a few idiots in a video…we need to use a baseball bat to teach those animals a lesson" Stay Classy, Freepers!!

      1. Fukui_Jong-un

        I'd been thinking about heading over to FR to see what our more, uh, challenged friends had to say about things.

        Thanks for taking one for the team!

        It's a non-stop classy feliz navidad over there.

    2. not that Dewey

      I hadn't noticed their Mission Statement before:

      Free Republic is the premier online gathering place for independent, grass-roots conservatism on the web. We're working to roll back decades of governmental largesse, to root out political fraud and corruption, and to champion causes which further conservatism in America. And we always have fun doing it. Hoo-yah!

      They sure do. And also, this:

      Please enjoy our forum, but also please remember to use common courtesy when posting and refrain from posting personal attacks, profanity, vulgarity, threats, racial or religious bigotry, or any other materials offensive or otherwise inappropriate for a conservative family audience.

      Certainly nothing profane, vulgar, racially bigoted, threatening or offensive about any of those comments! Perfectly appropriate to discuss in front of a family audience!

      1. Doktor Zoom

        There were a few comments removed by the moderators. Which means that THESE were considered acceptable by comparison, I guess.

    3. Doktor Zoom

      Oh, dear. Did I say there were THREE Freeper threads about this? Clearly, I used too narrow a search on teh Googles. I got three threads with "Air Jordan riot Free Republic"…removing "riot" revealed a total of EIGHT threads.

      Comments are all about the same, but there was also this:

      If anyone doubts that there is a B/W war coming, they better re-think their position. Stay armed, stay safe.

      EDIT: And then there's this witty genius: Why don’t we ever hear about these people fighting over some work boots?

    1. user-of-owls

      Ah, the Princess. What a lovely Xmas treat. The card, on the other hand, the card was not at all a lovely Xmas treat. To the contrary, it was very poorly executed and moderately disturbing.

      But the comments? Oh, Nellie, those fairies sure gave that pathetic, pandering pierogi and his genetically modified tiffany-barnacle the old la-di-da and fare-thee-well!

      Gingrich 0
      Team Homo 1

  23. chascates

    Forget my previous post about the 40 signs of America in decline, just cast a look at the posts on WND. com.

    U.S. Army uniforms to include Muslim headscarves, turbans?

    It's time to resist creeping Shariah!

    Scientific tests of Shroud point to supernatural

    and of course:


    Now it's time to answer 'Where's the REAL Birth Certificate?'

  24. SaintRond

    Garnish with a big hit of PCP and then do the Hokey Pokey naked for 12 hours straight. Also, you might want to send the kids to grandma and grandpa's house, and maybe even the dog, but that's totally discretionary. That's how we do Christmas at our house.

    1. Radiotherapy

      This is just another example of the over-reaching, bloated, bureaucratic gubmint. Santa needs to be unshackled from the chains of regulation and let free markets and the invisible hand do its job.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        That was Frothy Santorum's plan: to remove the National Weather Service from the shackles of government funding and to let all weather prediction be fee-for-service.

  25. Biff

    Sweet Jeebus, I had dinner with a family that has taken me in as their stray for the last 5 or 6 years, this year it was just like a fucking SNL skit. I'm really glad I'm not related to them and can ignore them after tomorrow. Longest 9 hours of my life…

          1. Fukui_Jong-un

            Haha, thank you Radio, you know how much I enjoy a good excoriation of the bullshit that is Reaganomics!

            Happy holidays to you, sir or madam. And to all others here.

      1. Biff

        Not much to say, really. I live about 5 miles from my friend's 87 year-old Mom, so I pick her up and take her 50 miles away to her son and daughter-in-law's house for Thanksgiving, usually Xmas is at the old woman's house. This year, entirely different. Anyway, there was a frozen/broken waterpipe this morning which set the mood. Never known a couple so opposite that has stayed together. Throw in some Clos du Bois, it's amazing nobody got stabbed. They were going out of their way to humiliate each other. I couldn't wait to load up the old gal and head for home. Thankfully, tomorrow's festivities will be at the much nearer house, and (hopefully, anyway) too early for the drinking to begin. I don't mind hanging around social drinkers, I can't stand hanging around with drunks. Same with stoners. Also, fuck xmas.

        1. user-of-owls

          Rather less satisfying than we'd hoped. Maybe throw in an alien abduction? Or Granny was a founding member of the OSS who retired to become Francois Mitterand's personal chef? Um, maybe the son has a whole Glen/Glenda thing going on and showed you his extensive collection of tight cashmere sweaters?

          Just teasing. Sounds less like they're 'taking you in' and more like 'taking you for granted' as a 100-mile round trip free taxi service. At least you picked up some karma points, now redeemable at any participating S&H Green Stamps outlet!

        2. chascates

          I'm waiting to hear from DustBowlBlues. In the panhandle of Okieland they've had a ton of snow so she's been trapped with her rightwing relatives with no respite.

          1. Biff

            Hope she gets this Xmas gift from Pareene before it's too late.
            I'm getting more openly hostile toward Xmas than ever before, I really hate this shit. And not just because I'm old, poor and bitter, either…

  26. Jukesgrrl

    Hey, Wonkeratti, it's after midnight in Arizona, so technically Christmas to me. Many warm wishes to you and yours for a great holiday weekend, whether you're worshiping Tebow's Lord and Savior® or doing something more creative, LimeyLizzie-style.

    My mother's in my family room right now watching the Midnight Mass being broadcast from the Catholic cathedral in our nation's capital. She just yelled at me to "get in here" so I could see Callista Gingrich, in a bright blue robe, warbling front and center in the cathedral choir. I can only imagine that she has a blue diamond to match. I hope Newty put something decent in the collection plate. But probably not if it was for the missions in Africa, which is what the American Catholics usually collect for on Christmas.

    Do you suppose Super-Papist Santorum is making a big show of doing Christmas mass in Iowa so he can collect two or three more votes? In any case, party on, kids. Just remember not to drink and drive. George Washington wouldn't have. He had slaves to drive him.

    Happy Hannachristmakwanza to all,
    Jukesgrrl

  27. BelleSC

    Welp, it's about 8:30 am EST and here I sit catching up on the Wonkette. Nothing in my driveway with a big red bow on it. Alas. Y'all have a wonderful day whatever you choose to do with it. Peace, joy, and happiness for all.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Way back when, at the time I was a pimply teen (just after fire was discovered and the wheel invented) I used to wake up on Xmas morn and look outside for A CAR! Would that my parents would get me A CAR of my own. Nope. Didn't happen. Ever. Municipal employee Dad and government employee Mom didn't have enough for a decent car of their own but, dammit, I expected one to show up. Somehow. No Ferrari or even a 'Vette this year, either. Or even a Lexus with a bow big enough to lasso cattle. You have my sympathy, BelleSC.

  28. finallyhappy

    Merry Christmas and fifth day of Chanukah- and tomorrow night starts Kwanzaa! Off to serve Christmas lunch to homeless women in DC(I'm Jewish so we will go to a movie and Chinese food later)

  29. chascates

    Newt Gingrich Compares His Failure To Make The Virginia Ballot To The Pearl Harbor Attack
    We have experienced an unexpected set-back, but we will re-group and re-focus with increased determination, commitment and positive action. Throughout the next months there will be ups and downs; there will be successes and failures; there will be easy victories and difficult days – but in the end we will stand victorious. http://thinkprogress.org/politics/2011/12/25/3952

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Wow. Yep, we all remember the scandal when Admiral Halsey was too disorganized to get enough signatures to protect Battleship Row. Not to mention the bills he ran up at the Honolulu Tiffany's

      1. user-of-owls

        OMG guys! Rep. Owls (S-Tree) just tweeted, "HistoriCat cold walked away with my bread and butter meme. Now I know what it felt like with that Renee chick."

        1. HistoriCat

          If I have been able to use a great meme, it is only because I stand on the shoulders of giants (or at least giant owls).

  30. El Pinche

    I have a slight mod to the Bloody Mary just for Christmas. Tequila+V8+lemon juice+tabasco. I call it Maria de la Chingada (aka Mary's Bloody Placenta ).

    Merry Xmas and Sharia Law! Long Live George Soros!

  31. Mike Licht

    This holiday season, West Point graduates stationed overseas are observing their own Eggnog Riots and vomiting on foreign soil. Let us raise our eggnog glasses and thank them for their service.

  32. Huevos Ocupados

    Don't hate on the nog! At my family's house you would be grateful for anything that passes as a mixer for your smuggled booze! Opaque cups also, too!

Comments are closed.