desperate acts

‘Being Less Hated’ Top Gift on Scott Walker’s Xmas Wishlist This Year

Here is some very weird new holiday ad from loathed Kochgobbler Scott Walker. He is serving at a soup kitchen with his family and, you know, trying to make “getting along” faces at the invisible off-camera poors while his wife plaintively begs Wisconsin to “put our differences aside” and “move forward together” instead of focusing on all this silly old recall business, for peace. We’re guessing it’s his wife who has to do the talking because of the dripping sarcasm in Walker’s voice you normally hear every time he opens his mealy mouth about “struggling” families?

Also: the video ends in their family living room with a particularly AMAZING awkward shot of Scott Walker blubbering like he can’t feel his face from all the Xanax while his sons hover awkwardly in the back of the room looking judgmental and teenager-y.

The most comical part is that this is the best that Scott Walker can do even though he has been outspending his recall organizer opponents four to one in the contest so far:

At the outset of Wisconsin’s historic recall fight, GOP Gov. Scott Walker and his allies are outspending the other side on television by a margin of roughly 4-to-1, an advantage he’s expected to maintain in the weeks ahead.

The governor has already aired more than $1 million in broadcast ads since he hit the airwaves in mid-November, according to the ad-tracking firm Kantar Media CMAG.

Ha ha, and that’s been working so well that organizers already have 507,000 of the 540,000 signatures needed to trigger the recall election in just half the allotted time period.

It’s a good sign! He has already lost in one contest, on YouTube, which voted this video “crappy” by a margin of 476-97. May the Kochblockers win! [YouTube/JSOnline]

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  1. Mort_Sinclair

    I don't know how anybody looks at him every day without feeling like they're drunk. Facial asymmetry is one thing, but this guy–WTF? Maybe beer goggles make him look normal?

    1. natoslug

      I've had a bottle of Menage a Trois and half a bottle of pinot (merry fuckin' early xmas me!) and I still think he'd look better run through a woodchipper. Maybe I should have stuck to beer?

      1. HistoriCat

        I still think he'd look better run through a woodchipper. Maybe I should have stuck to beer?

        No – even sober I have that thought.

    2. MaxNeanderthal

      They both look like baboons licking tabasco off a bastard-cut file. A bit more than beer would be required methinks. Absinthe?

    3. Loaded_Pants

      It's true. When my head is still spinning from a hangover, Scott Walker's face looks perfectly fine.

    4. Barrelhse

      It's an inside job. His face looks like that from all the cocks pounding on the inside of his mouth. That's why he resembles Dugger's uterus.

    5. An_Outhouse

      How totally humiliating for his kids to have to be seen in public with Mr. Squished Head. What did he do -donate half his head to science?

    6. tessiee

      "Facial asymmetry is one thing, but this guy–WTF?"

      Now, now — be nice. Ol' snotty Scotty comes from a little known subculture that, instead of foot-binding, they practice head-binding. It usually results in tiny, asymmetrical heads, lopsided eyes, and lots and lots 'o' brain damage.

      Of course, he was a leotarded mutant even *before* his parents put him in the Bind-O-Brain 3000 [tm] (with patented Sculpt-O-Skull technology), but let's not be culturally insensitive, mmmkay?

    1. PalinzADummy

      Because now that I've shit all over your Christmas dinner, I'd like to have the opportunity to do it for the remaining X years of my term as well.

      This hypocritical piece of shit just made further budget cuts to education, right before releasing this video, according to comments at YouTube. If the commenter is correct, he is even more rotten, vile, and hateful than he has proved so far.

      1. HistoriCat

        he is even more rotten, vile, and hateful than he has proved so far

        And here I didn't think that was possible. Live and learn I suppose.
        Palinz – hope you're feeling better!

        1. PalinzADummy

          This entire portapottyload of Republicans seem like to about a hundred times worse than any of their predecessors. Hard to believe, but true. Biel_ze_Bubba is going to have to remodel to accommodate ALL their worthless asses. I'm sure he'll think of something suitably cruel.

          (Hugs the Furry One) Better living through chemistry, my friend! Drugs make everything bearable (except the itchy-scratchy — nothing cures that). Have a wonderful holiday, dear HistoriCat, and much Yule wassail and good health to all (including kittens) at Casa de Los Gatos Historicos!

    2. tessiee

      I don't want to make any sweeping assumptions here, but in my family, "Put our differences aside" usually translated to, "YOU should sweep all the shitty things I'VE done under the rug and pretend that they never happened, because I really can't be bothered with the consequences of my actions". I *suspect* that might be what Mrs. Way too Attractive for the Likes of Him Scott Walker means by that, as well.

  2. natoslug

    The teen is just pissed that he had to stay home for a shitty politinfomercial when he had a fulfilling evening of carrying Marcus B's bags planned.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      He's also probably thinking: "Gah Dad! You have no fucking clue, do you? You are so lame!" (Or whatever word the young'uns use to mean "lame" nowadays).

      1. Geminisunmars

        Can you imagine being one of his young 'uns? It's hard enough being embarrassed by regular folks, much less being the kid of someone truly embarrassing.

        1. Loaded_Pants

          I'm still embarrassed by my parents but less so than I used to be. Especially in regards to my Dad who, I discovered, loved the recent non-John Wayne "True Grit" & Daddy Pants LOVED John Wayne. Now, if I can convince him to stop sending money to TBN.

          EDIT: Daddy Pants would practice his guitar listening to Johnny Cash albums, so I guess he always had a bit of awesome in him all along.

          1. Loaded_Pants

            You don't mention the fact that his real name was "Marion" in my Dad's presence. It was ALWAYS "John" because "John" is truly a manly man's name! Especially if they are wearing an eyepatch!

        2. PalinzADummy

          My cats always *pointedly* ignore me in public, as if to say, "I have no idea who that insane-looking human is, and I am offended that you would associate me with it." Fortunately, I have no sprog of whom I can say the same.

      2. Scottsdalian

        I have a teenager. I know that look. He is saying:

        "Gah Dad! You have no fucking clue, do you? You are such a fucking asshole!"

        In which case the teenager is 120% correct.

  3. memzilla

    Looks like a job opening coming up in Wisconsin for a new GOP Messaging Führer, for teh Koch-Goebbelsing.

  4. Radiotherapy

    They didn't say "Christmas" nor are their any symbols of Christianity.
    Heathens. Lib atheists. The War on Christmas is Won!

      1. tessiee

        Are you implying that Thor, whose symbol is a hammer, is the god of carpenters, and Jesus, whose symbol is a cross, is the god of… executioners?

    1. JustPixelz

      Not so fast. You'll need to find some evidence Walker is actually a True Christian™ before you can expect him to mention the holiday that dare not speak its name.

      1. YasserArraFeck

        I'd be happy with some evidence that he was a True Human, and not just some animatronic sex doll for the Kochs

        1. tessiee

          I don't actually have concrete proof of that, but it seems to me that if I had as much money as the Kochs (I wish I wish I wish!), I'd be able to commission an animatronic sex doll that was at least attractive.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      The ornaments on his tree all glorify Scott Walker, not Jesus.

      I weep for what our once-great nation has become.

    3. chicken_thief

      I know I'm late to the party, but I thought the same thing after enduring Mzzzz Walker's grating babble – NO JESUSWEEN! No "Merry Fucking Christmas!". Has anyone seen Walker's long form birf certifukut?!

  5. Radiotherapy

    They'll get their wish alright. Next holiday season 'ol cross-eyed will have plenty of time to spend with his family.

    1. mourningnmerica

      Hey, it's gonna be waaaaaayyyyyyyyy sooner than that. When is the election, March? This muthufucking EASTER, you meant to say. Damn, you upset me there.

    1. Scottsdalian

      And in Wisconsin, you'll probably find more teachers down at the unemployment office than actually teaching in schools.

      Yea – Fiscal responsibility!!!

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Taking those late night phone calls from the Kochs isn't easy. The whisper of sweet nothings always get Scotty excited so he's still up at 3 or 4 am.

      1. tessiee

        I was thinking that she looked like Brenda Vaccaro, but unfortunately, with a rather sappy manner of speaking instead of Brenda's sexy voice.

        And whatever she looks like, she's way too attractive for Scott.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      A truly wonderful thing. Or not so wonderful. Who the fuck names their daughter Tonette? I grew up in Wisconsin, and when I was in grade school (in the '50s), we were introduced to music via the tonette (a plastic mini-recorder). I don't know if that brand name still exists, but WTF nevertheless.

      Or, maybe, it's short for Antoinette, which is also groovy — pretentious and also reminiscent of Marie ("Let them eat cake before they cut off my head:") Antoinette.

      1. tessiee

        "we were introduced to music via the tonette (a plastic mini-recorder). I don't know if that brand name still exists, but WTF nevertheless."

        We had the same thing in 3rd grade. Ours was called a Flute-O-Phone.

    2. succalina

      You know, I hate Scott Walker as much as everyone with a brain and/or soul. But the wife actually seems ok – no snark.

      But she does look terrified that she will have to spend more time with Scotty when he becomes a house husband. Also, she clearly is dreading the day when she has to sit in court when her sons are sentenced to the death because of the bullshit attitude, and the stabbings.


  6. Joshua Norton

    Who would have ever thought that Republicans would violently turn on a process they championed mostly to get rid of Democratic governors over Republican mistakes (see Gray Davis and Enron) when it was used for its intended purpose (getting rid of corrupt governors who have decided to not obey the laws of the state but are not impeachable owing to partisan gridlock)?

    Anyone with half a functioning brain, that's who.

    Just wait until the Dems start using the fillibuster as freely as the repigs do. The wingnut wailing and indignation will be a marvel to behold.

    1. LetUsBray

      Recall the great pants-shitting during the Age of Shrub at the mere prospect, seldom if ever followed through with, of a Democratic filibuster. "Just a simple up-or-down vote!", they'd shriek. Naturally, the librul media don't remember jack squat about this.

      1. HedonismBot

        Till the day I day, I'll recall Dubya, petulantly shrieking "upperdown vote, upperdown vote!"
        That guy could throw a temper tantrum in the way only a spoiled, prep-school daddy's boy can.

    2. Chichikovovich

      Just wait until the Dems start using the fillibuster as freely as the repigs do. The wingnut wailing and indignation will be a marvel to behold.

      You might think so, but as I recall the last time the Republicans had the numbers in the senate, and the Democrats used the filibuster to hold up a few of the more completely hyper-wingnutty of the Bush appointments, the Republicans threatened the "nuclear option", basically doing away with the filibuster altogether. (This was accompanied by incessant talk by Republicans and Fox news mouthpieces about "up or down votes" and how the filibuster is a scandalous threat to democracy, etc. Naturally all this was sent down the memory hole by "the liberal media" as soon as the Senate was taken by the Democrats and the Republicans began filibustering everything, to the point where is is accepted that 60 votes are needed to add more paper to the Senate copy machine.) Of course, this led to a "compromise" which gave the Republicans 99% of what they wanted.

    3. tessiee

      To paraphrase Pogo, "My uncle had the biggest alligator in the swamp, and wasn't he surprised when it turned around and gobbled him clean up!"

  7. arihaya

    I could sympathize with him, we all have an impossible wish for this Christmas. Me myself have Sara Jean Underwood on top of my wish list this year.

    1. Redrighthand

      Many would rather die than go to the poor houses!

      Good, then perhaps they should and decrease the surplus population!

  8. Baconzgood

    Well Scott, if you were in a union maybe they could help you keep your job? Burn bridges much douche bag.

  9. imissopus

    Seriously, if you want to make a family-friendly commercial, don't leave your sullen teenagers slouching in the background beaming eyes of pure hate at you. They look like stand-ins for all the constituents who are about to vote you out of office for being such a dick.

    1. Blueb4sunrise

      The young man standing definitely has a look: 'I hate you. I wish I was dead. No, I wish YOU were dead. DEAD .DEAD.DEAD.DEAD."

    2. Veritas78

      They don't realize how lucky they are, not to be on display in his pickle-jar if they hadn't come to term.
      He doesn't realize how lucky he is, that they haven't obtained readily-available automatic weapons and wiped him out for being the shit-stain that he is.

    3. Chichikovovich

      [No snark] Though I'll say this for those kids – their demeanor when they are handing food to the needy radiates as much genuine good will and unfeigned concern as you're going to get from teens that age. Which is good to see.

      Unlike their dad, who looks like a human/weasel hybrid looking out for number one even when doing charity.

  10. JustPixelz

    The Walker holiday activities are almost exactly like mine. Except mine involve less handing out food and more taking it. Also more drinking. And less clothing, although the police have warned me about that.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    "This holiday season I hope we can all put our differences aside. But if you simply can't, you goddamn hippies now have to pay $2000 an hour for police protection and five grand for cleanup afterwards when you apply for your protest permit."

    1. Loaded_Pants

      "put our differences aside" = no talking about politics or religion at the Christmas dinner table. Which leaves the weather & traffic/airline experiences as topics of the conversation. Which is ALWAYS FUCKIN' BORING. I'd rather get drunk & wrestle with the Christmas tree.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        Yeah, the Santorum son in that popular Wonkette pic does look like he has some sort of dissociative disorder, doesn't he? He's probably thinking "…as soon as I'm of age, I'm hitting the clubs & if I find the right guy, I'm getting gay-married! Fuck you, Dad!"

        1. tessiee

          To me, he looks like he's thinking, "Some day a strong rain will come and wash all the garbage off the streets…"

          But hey, yours is good, too.

  12. Numbat_Dundee

    "And his tears (for he wept well)
    Turned to millstones as they fell.
    And the little children who,
    Around his feet, played to and fro,
    Thinking every tear a gem,
    Had their brains knocked out of them."

    -Percy Bisse Shelley

      1. HedonismBot

        But seriously though. Yes I have, though I'm not too familiar with his work. Having read the stanza above, now I want to read the whole poem. Such imagery!

        1. Numbat_Dundee

          It's the Masque of Anarchy in which he has a go at the entire British cabinet of the day (especially an asshole named Castlereagh). Though the lachrymose Minister was Lord Eldon, who had been a hanging judge with a quaint habit of breaking into tears when he sentenced men to death.
          Castlereagh eventually went mad and cut his own throat, to which Byron responded:
          History shall ne'er survey
          A nobler grave than this.
          Here lie the bones of Castlereagh
          Stop traveller
          And piss.
          So the romantic poets weren't just into daffodils and shit.

  13. sbj1964

    Give Scotty the boot!The power of the PEOPLE is what these Teabaggers have to be reminded of.We elect them to do the will of the people not the Koch brothers.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      The Tea Party=best astroturfing ever? Yeah, I think so but I think people finally caught on…at least, I fucking hope they did.

      1. HedonismBot

        The first half of this year blew chunks. But things seemed to improve a bit lately. The Republicans got their asses handed to them just the other day (and Obama just made a signing statement rejecting their rejection of czars! I guess they'd better make up something else to get all hot and bothered about.) And the stupid Tea Party was chased out of the news by some real grassroots activists – OWS.
        I, for one, am actually looking forward to 2012!

        1. tessiee

          "Obama just made a signing statement rejecting their rejection of czars!"

          Will this cause them to reject *his* rejection of *their* rejection?
          Or is that too complicated for them, and so will they just use their usual go-to lynching "jokes"?

  14. MzNicky

    That family unit couldn't look less cheerful and sincere serving food to the poor if they were all simultaneously having root canals, without novocain.

  15. samsuncle

    I'll bet he can hardly wait for the holidays to be over so he can get back to fucking over his democratic constituency.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Do you think he got some nice pressies from the Kochs this year? Like a strap-on dildo suggesting who else he should fuck over next?

  16. AlterNewt

    In his opening remarks to the Iran/Contra committee Oliver North droned on sanctimoniously about God and Country in such a transparent fashion that my immediate thought was that the huge television audience would be repulsed and draw the appropriate conclusion the he, and those he was covering for were lying, pseudo-patriot criminals.

    A significant percentage drew exactly the opposite conclusion; that he was a persecuted hero, assailed by traitors.

    His political progeny have internalized this lesson, and bettered the instruction.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Yeah, but he had the crisp uniform, and the medium salad, and his eyes both pointed in the same direction.

    2. Chichikovovich

      There are so many ways that that whole performance was appalling, and the reaction to it even more so. But the one that comes to mind right away was that he was giving those little lectures on Patriotism to committee chair Daniel Inouye, who had fought in WWII (despite having his relatives interned) and was multiply handicapped as a result of major combat injuries, while North had never in his career seen a shot fired in combat.

        1. Chichikovovich

          Very true. I would have taken my cane and beaten him to a pulp myself. And his weasely lawyer too. Good thing it was Inouye and not me with the chair's gavel.BTW – nice subtle Shakespeare reference in the original post. Good show.”Why, revenge! The villainy you teach me I will execute, and it shall go hard butI will better the instruction”—

    3. Negropolis

      I knew Ollie North (no I didn't); Ollie North was a friend of mine (not in this universe or any other for that matter); Scott Walker is no Ollie North. And, that's fucking saying something seeing as how Ollie could have made the Prince of Darkness (the actual one, not the Novack-y one) blush.

    4. tessiee

      "my immediate thought was that the huge television audience would be repulsed and draw the appropriate conclusion the he, and those he was covering for were lying, pseudo-patriot criminals.

      A significant percentage drew exactly the opposite conclusion; that he was a persecuted hero, assailed by traitors."

      There's a cartoon by the awesome Lynda Barry where a teenage girl is making brownies in home ec class and they turn out badly, so she arranges the squares in the shape of a cross.
      1st teenager: I just don't think this is going to help.
      2nd teenager: Yeah? You watch. No teacher is going to give anything less than a B-minus to the shape of a cross.

  17. HedonismBot

    Damnit! It's not "Wi-SCON-sin." It's "Wis-CON-sin." There has to be the tiniest little break in pronunciation between the "S" and the "C." I don't know why that bugs me, but it does. I'm a man of many pet peeves.
    No matter how you pronounce it, Walker will continue to put the "con" in "Wisconsin."

    1. Rotundo_

      I can deal with the SCON part with grace, but when you hear some addled sports announcer pronounce it "WESSSCONSIN" I start reaching for blunt objects. The same thing applies to the word "Milk", you would think Wisconsinites could pronounce it as spelled, but I always hear "MELLK!" ARRRGH!

      1. HedonismBot

        Some people have odd quirks of pronunciation that hit the nerves like fingernails on a chalk board.

      2. freddymcmurray

        Happens in other places besides Wisconsin. St. Louis, for example. We also have pellows (pillows) and the infamous Warshington University.

        1. HistoriCat

          I was working in the dorms in a Missouri college when I got this phone call:
          Caller – "I'm trying to reach [first name] Warshingum."
          Me – "Um, sorry – can't find it. Walshingham?"
          Caller – "No – Warshingon."
          Me – "I'm sorry – can you spell that?"
          Caller – "You don't know how to spell Washington?!?"

          Um, yeah bitch – I do know how to spell Washington. And when you remember how to pronounce it, I'm able to help you.

    2. HedonismBot

      The correct pronunciation is to put the tiniest break between "S" and "C." I think the way I wrote this the first time was confusing.

    3. V572 the Merciless

      Those of us who grew up in Chicago know that the "Ch" is soft, like "chenille," and not hard, like "China." Hearing "Tchicago" always irritates. So I sympathize, is what I'm saying.

      1. MzNicky

        Eh, all I know about Wisconsin is they're cheese-heads and that it's the setting for the movie "Fargo." Minneapolis is in Wisconsin, right? Or one of those cold states up thataways? Whatever.

        1. Rotundo_

          It is a land of stark contrasts, the urban sophistication of Milwaukee (snicker, snerk, cough) to the rural warmth of Paoli. From the toney shops of Door County to the flea market at Jefferson Speedway, from public servants like Russ Feingold to bottom feeding Koch suckers like Scott Walker. From glorious natural splendor like Pattison Falls in Superior to any number of Confined Area Feeding operations with lakes of liquid waste you can smell for miles, there are highs and lows all over to be found. Besides which, it is almost the only place left on the planet where you can get a Limburger Cheese sandwich and a beer for lunch, extra onions (for the sandwich).

          1. ShaveTheWhales

            1. Milwaukee is urban although not sophisticated.

            2. You've omitted any reference to Mad Town.

            3. It's pretty fucking cold in the winter, all right.

    4. chicken_thief

      All along I thought it was just me – I wanna beat my mom with a fucking tire iron every time she pronounces fish "feesh". I know the bitch can read – she taught me! Ph-ish, mom. Ph-i-sh!!!!

      1. Scottsdalian

        And it's "WASH' the dishes, not "WARSH". Used to bitch my mom out all the time for that. Then she died.

    5. Negropolis

      Really? I thought that's how you spot foreiginers in Wisconsin. I thought the first is how the natives say it?

  18. Rotundo_

    Put our differences aside. Oh Tonette, Tonette Tonette, you have no fucking clue how good it felt to sign that petition. Pack the bags, get some more daddy money or something, the ride is going to start getting bumpy really soon. Seeing your ass removed from the office and the mansion will be a true pleasure. And per other observations, yeah, the lot of them looked like there were little turds under each of their noses so they were sort of wrinkled up in a slight sneer of disgust. The real measure of whether or not Scooter has any stones is if he would have run through the line and sat down to eat with them instead of feeling all noble for serving up a chow line for a photo opportunity.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        "Tonette" will the first name of the next Palin baby. But who will the mother be? Sarah, Bristol, Willow, or Piper?
        Or all of them, Katie?

  19. BlueMonkeh

    Oh Jeezus, this fucker again.

    At least this latest video silliness has been posted on enough libtard websites that we're all reminded to support our valiant cheesehead friends as they continue their fight to remove this boil from their collective asses.

    And Tonette? Really?

    1. tessiee

      "Barbara Bush in the making."

      "A lot of the people here at the food kitchen are actually eating more food now than when they were living under bridges, thanks to my hubby Scott. So, you know, [slight chuckle] this is actually working out very well for them."

  20. SheriffRoscoe

    Oh my god I thought you guys were exaggerating about the boys lurking unpropitiously in the background. Would it have been too much to ask to have one of them hold a butcher knife above dad's head while they were filming?

  21. proudgrampa

    Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Joyous Kwanzah to all my fellow Wonketeers!

    May all of us continue to enjoy the snark!!!



    1. Loaded_Pants

      How do the people of Wisconsin taste? Are they a bit gamey? I only care for gamey when it comes to duck. Other than that, I've only had Wisconsin cheese….

  22. chascates

    Save some hatred for Tex. Rep. Louie Gohmert:
    GOHMERT: Mr. Speaker, there are those who don't want people to mention the word ''Christmas,'' and there's an easy solution. For those who don't want to mention Christmas, don't want to observe Christmas, then if they take the holiday, just agree to give back the money, because the money earned on a holiday shouldn't be taken for those who don't think it should be a holiday. That's easy enough.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Rep. Louie Gomer complained about President Obama's jobs bill because it eliminated certain special tax benefits for oil and gas exploration companies.

      This is right wing nutz' "capitalism" at its finest!

    2. ShaveTheWhales

      I ALWAYS save some hatred for Screwy Louie. He is, pound for pound, probably the most disgusting piece of shit in US Amurka. I avoid going to Texas just because I would really hate to find that I had collapsed his trachea ( I like to think of myself as a non-violent person). But a surprise asteroid strike on his head? I'm good.

    1. chicken_thief

      Many women buy their nighties at Victoria Secret, Toni, on the other hand, buys hers wherever it is that they make the curtains for theaters.

  23. finallyhappy

    Sending latkes, Jelly donuts, gingerbread and peppermint hot chocolate to everyone- you help keep me sane through the year.

    1. MzNicky

      Yeah whoa, thanks a lot there, ittdgy. I really really needed extra nightmare fodder. BTW, I think they made Grover Norquist's wienie a little too big.

    2. chascates

      I'm not even drinking but I can't figure out how to get the slide-show started–I'm stuck with Newt Gingrich. Help!

      1. flamingpdog

        Kind of a Catch-22 there – I couldn't get past Newt Gingrich unless I were drinking (heavily – make that very heavily.)

    3. El Pinche

      She was far too kind to those bozos. But thanks for the funny.

      And now, I must go see some pics of Charlize Theron to wash out my brain.

  24. Loaded_Pants

    O/T but my partner's company had their Christmas party this afternoon. It's a small company that has only one Jewish person on the payroll who keeps kosher. During the meeting planning the party, he expressed his preference for kosher dishes. Another coworker said: "Don't worry…I'll bring something kosher." So what does she end up bringing to the party? Shrimp.
    And that's heart-warming story about diversity in America that I offer to fellow Wonketters this holiday season.
    You're welcome.
    Merry Missmas, one & all!

    1. finallyhappy

      . I had people at the office ask me if my rabbi blessed a ham, would it be kosher(really, not kidding-I just said no- I wanted to say – oh, no, he has to convert the pig while it is alive)). My office did always buy veggie burgers for me when we had the annual barbecue. I also could never get people to stop asking me if I was going to my church on Saturday. I mean synagogues are not so rare here in Metro DC-but I just gave up.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        In her defense, all those kosher food rules can be confusing to someone who comes from a cooked pig-flesh background.

        I wish I could make it to the Sixth & I in D.C. this year on the 25th. He'Brew beer, Chinese food, & screenings of two of my favorite movies (sorry, never cared for "Spaceballs")

        1. Radiotherapy

          As a fractional Jew, it always amazed me the mass extortion of the OU, parve, K, scam. Look on 95% of the food you buy and it will have the imprimatur. The companies are willing to pay the cent, but some rabbi syndicate is continuously and covertly taking a rake. Like my Jewish grandfather said, "you've got to make money while you sleep."

      2. tessiee

        "ask me if my rabbi blessed a ham, would it be kosher(really, not kidding-I just said no- I wanted to say – oh, no, he has to convert the pig while it is alive"

        And it also has to be circumcised.

  25. Sue4466

    I get it. The holidays are about giving back to the poors. Walker's just doing his part to make sure there are lots of poors. It's about upholding holiday tradition.

  26. MilwaukeeKent

    I'm almost thinking that wasn't a soup kitchen, more like a state cafeteria serving line somewhere, maybe a prison facility or some other highly controlled environment where the usual bile that erupts whenever he appears in public could be easily contained. That segment is in voice-over so you can't hear the protesters.
    From what I hear, other than being one of the spearpoints for a mad scheme to dis-assemble the American Middle Class and scatter its remains to the four winds, he's really a nice guy.

  27. Bluestatelibel

    Their son hanging around in the background glaring at them is really creepy; like father like son I guess.

  28. ttommyunger

    Jeez, those boys are in for a rough ride. What a start. I feel sorry for everybody in that clip, except for Scotty. He has a face made for punching. And his beard, I mean wife….I won't go there.

  29. chascates

    And a very Happy Holidaze to:
    Jim Newell
    Juli Weiner
    Riley Waggaman
    Sara K. Smith
    Sara Benincasa
    Jack Stuef
    and all other former and current Wonkette editori, both real and imagined.

  30. MzNicky

    Also too as well, got to say THANK YOU and Happy Holidays/Winter Solstice &etc. to all you fabulous snarkmeisters here at the Wonkette. This misfit socialist libtard gal in the way-red state of Tennessee most likely couldn't make it through the day without this site. Well, that plus alcohol. XXOOXX

    1. Fukui_Jong-un

      I'd like to second that THANK YOU and happy festival of your choice to the wonketeers.

      As an expat Brit in the people's repub of cali – it's not quite a red state – the whole carnival of politics in this country would be unbearable without the sanity, erudition and just plain fucking funny of the people here.

      And all the booze, yes.

  31. An_Outhouse

    At the soup kitchen I help run, we actually serve the people – not make them line up like cattle. Fuck yo, Mr. Whitebread and family pretending to interact with the browns. And what's with the protective plastic wardrobe? Afraid to get the brown cooties?

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Gov. Walker originally demanded a bullet-proof partition between his family & the homeless. Then he was informed that the homeless can't afford firearms. So he settled on simply wearing plastics so he wouldn't get tainted with…I dunno, humanity?

      1. finallyhappy

        We wear cheerful(ok, maybe not that cheerful if you are homeless) cloth aprons– still so much better than those plastic things.

        1. Loaded_Pants

          "cheerful"? Do those aprons have smiling Santas & snowmen on them? Or House Republicans bearing their fangs, at least?

  32. finallyhappy

    On another maggot GOPer-Tell me how someone who professes to read the WaPO, NYT and assorted other news media claims not to know that Callista was screwing Newt while he was married to wife ll and that he cheated on his first wife with the eventual second wife. I found quite a nice chronicle of Newt's adultery on a Romney site(searched Callista and adultery) so I am sending it to this person. What a nice gift
    for holiday reading.

  33. ThundercatHo

    Here's wishing the happiest of holidays to all my wonky friends. You all make living in the desolation of NWOH much more tolerable. May Santa stuff your stockings full of your heart's desire and don't make any New Year's resolutions out loud, esp while drunk.

  34. ShaveTheWhales

    As I'll be doing the Groveland-to-San Jose-to Chico-and-back shuffle for the next few days, and consequently will be off the tubes for a while, let me wish all my snarkophiliac fellows and fellatrices (maybe brothers and sisters works better) a very happy Solstice season. I hope that you and yours are well, and will be well in the new year, and that if everything isn't all good, you have the strength to get through it.

    See you in a few.

    1. Biff

      Groveland, ya lucky dog! I used to ride my bike to the Iron Door from my home in Mammoth, have a few and ride back home. Long time ago…

  35. drytortuga

    The sound track is an exceptionally creepy choice for the holidays- it's the old English ballad "Barbara Allen", also known as "The Red Rose and the Briar". A man is smitten with a haughty maiden who disdains him. He calls for her as he lays dying, only to be met with sarcasm. She then dies, and they are buried next to each other. The two plants on their graves then grow and intertwine.
    The producers may have only thought it sounded like a carol, OR- they may be trying to produce a curse on Scott Walker, who will then become like the epic fail of William the Swain….

  36. Pragmatist2

    "Put or differences aside"???
    That's like beating up a cripple while saying "Can't we all just get along?"

  37. drytortuga

    The sound track is an exceptionally creepy choice for the holidays- it's the old English ballad "Barbara Allen", also known as "The Red Rose and the Briar". A man is smitten with a haughty maiden who disdains him. He calls for her as he lays dying, only to be met with sarcasm. She then dies, and they are buried next to each other. The two plants on their graves then grow and intertwine.

  38. SheriffRoscoe

    Okay, so I learned a valuable lesson today I'd like to share with the class. Do not, I repeat, do NOT go over to freerepublic and call one of their commenters 'goofy.' See, they were having this little "Handel's Messiah" lovefest, and I pissed all over the joint by telling them that Handel was, according to recent scholarship, almost certainly homosexual. It was as if I'd farted in a crowded elevator! I almost never got out of there. One kind soul finally cut-n-pasted me the story of Sodom, in the most beautifully multi-colored text.


    Merry CHRISTmas, motherfuckers! Thanks for another year of laughs and the tenuous hold on sanity they provide. I lurve you all.

    1. Guppy

      "One kind soul finally cut-n-pasted me the story of Sodom, in the most beautifully multi-colored text."

      You should have asked to borrow a daughter or two.

    2. poncho_pilot

      "Handel was a fag. I installed two-way mirrors in his pad in London and he come to the door in a dress."

    3. HistoriCat

      Everyone knows that there were no homos in the time between the destruction of Sodom and the Sixties. It was those dirty fucking hippies who started butt-fucking each other after rejecting Jesus and capitalism.

  39. Jerri

    Haha, nuts to you, you pathetic, sideways-faced, adult FAS-baby* lookin' fucking chud.** Go ahead. Spend all your out-of-state dough on these ads. Knock yourself out. You're done, fella.***

    The best thing is when his ads come on the TVs at my gym and the whole room ends up groaning and talking about how much they dislike him and can't wait for the recall. Warms the cockles of the heart.

    *Sorry, I know that was harsh.
    **™Jerri, as applied to Scott Walker.
    ***Please dear god, I want my state back.

    Also: Merry Xmas & god bless us, every Wonketeer. You help me get through the current, though hopefully short-term, pain that is living in KochWalkerstan.

  40. El Pinche

    I'm guessing he's serving shit or spit soup to those dirty lazy poors?

    Wait till you see what he's serving up for the Koch industries xmas party. He'll be in the backroom getting his gerkin ready for all those dentures and old balls. And what's with the heinous horror hag? Why does he hate baby Jesus? It's Christmas , not Halloween fucko! Merry Xmas!

  41. Negropolis

    I'd almost feel bad for him if he weren't so blatantly evil. That man-child of a governor has got to go, and FSM willing, he'll be pushed over the electoral ledge to be layed as waste in the dustbin of history, forever.

  42. mourningnmerica

    Grovel, you fuckin' yellah belly… It won't help. You are fucked, you miserable, miserable pile of dog shit. You're ugly ass wife can't help you, coward. Hang yourself, you gutless little bitch.

    Damn, that felt good.

  43. Negropolis

    OT: I've got relatives up here, one who hasn't seen me in years, but they literally want me to spend every waking moment with them. Tomorrow, they want me to travel with them (out of town) so that one of them can shop for Christmas presents for one of his younger relatives and visit his relatives, and then not bring me back home until Christmas night. Why do I need to be there for that? And, they are already guilt tripping me displaying some preliminary flakiness (i.e. "maybe I'll go with you guys/I'll think about it"). They'll be up here for a few additional days, so it's not like they haven't spent time with me, already, or won't be able to immediately after the holiday. It's like they don't consider that maybe I might have slightly different plans from their own. That I've been able to get away to post her for this long is amazing, but it's only 'cause they're sleep.

    Maybe, this is a good problem to have, you know, relatives that want to hang around you. But, I'm feeling kind of claustrophobic, to be honest.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Reminded me of this, from Christmas Vacation:
      "I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery."

    2. ShaveTheWhales

      1. Well, I thought I was gone, but it's Wonkette so, you know.

      2. For whatever value the opinion of a 64-year-old asshole may have: unless your haven't-seen-in-years relative is fucking up other traditional events, I'd say try to rejoice in the unusual experience. If his/her/its/their plans, or lack of plans, ARE fucking up other traditions, tell him/her/it/them that there are certain places you have to be at certain times, and that's the end of it. Taking your own car might be a good idea in this case.

      Relatives are great, as long as they're not complete flaming assfucks. And soon they'll be gone. Enjoy, if possible.

      And happy solstice to you.

    3. Extemporanus

      I'm confident that I speak for 99% of your Wonkette family when I say, "Happy Holidays, brother, and hang in there — we're on our way!"


    4. MzNicky

      First of all, you're a saint for having relatives stay with you over the holiday. I would have hanged myself by now. Secondly, that you are entertaining them during the holidays more than entitles you to tell your out-of-town shopping relative that you've got things to take care of, got to go down to the soup kitchen to help out, got last-minute shopping, bills to pay, car to wash, homework to do, or whatever, and so can't go. Thirdly, NO GUILT TRIPS ALLOWED. Period. Tell them to go do whatever, you'll see them when they get back. This can all be done in a polite but firm tone of voice. No excuses are actually necessary; just repeat: "you guys go on! I'll be fine. Got things to do. Bye!" (This is straight out of Miss Manners, one of my heroes, so you're good on the acceptable behavior front.) Good luck my friend — let us know how it goes. Hope you survive the holidays!

      I mean, damn.

    5. MzNicky

      PS — And what's up with an out-of-town relative demanding that you go spend Christmas day with his relatives? Fuck that. Sorry, we've got pushy freeloading relatives on both sides of our family and learned long ago to nicely but firmly set some boundaries, or else we'd have to murder the whole lot of 'em.

  44. mavenmaven

    Sorry, but its not a heartwarming Repub video without either someone holding a gun or a stuffing a turkey into a grinder in the background.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Interesting essay. It's a made-up battle to give the MSM something to get excited about while everyone is either buying like mad or looking for a warm place to sleep and get a warm meal. Frum, who is Jewish, I believe, is a cultural bystander who describes the situation well but, like me, remains undrafted into either army's minions. I think that the Martians will have their say: and I welcome their domination.

  45. chascates

    Yesterday, in South Carolina:
    When one woman asked if he thinks the state should be permitted to fly the Confederate flag on the state capitol building, she was booed by the crowd. When Gingrich responded that it was the state’s decision, he received some of the loudest cheers of the day. (He added, in response to the question, that he opposed slavery and segregation.)

    1. Scottsdalian

      "What if Jesus had been aborted? "

      Just think of all the wars that would never have been waged. Just sayin.

    2. HedonismBot

      The messiah myth predates Jesus by thousands of years. So, maybe things would not have been much different after all.

  46. Chichikovovich

    "Let's put aside our differences and move forward together".

    A time honored phrase, meaning "You seem to have the upper hand at present, and I want an opportunity to kill you". It was probably the last thing Wat Tyler ever heard.

    1. Bluestatelibel

      It's similar to the immortal: "Let's us not bicker and argue about who killed who," when you're obviously guilty and don't want to get the shit kicked out of you."

  47. Mahousu

    OT, but it appears Gingrich and Perry did not qualify for the ballot in Virginia. Oops.

    Both submitted over 11,000 signatures (10,000 are required), but apparently had too many disqualified. In other words, they were attempting to perpetrate MASSIVE VOTER FRAUD!!

    1. tessiee

      "it appears Gingrich and Perry did not qualify for the ballot in Virginia"

      Lulz, I read that as "Gingrich and Perry did not qualify for the BALLET in Virginia".

  48. Scottsdalian

    "Blessings of the Season" from Snott Walker in video.

    WTF? Cant he at least say "Merry Fucking Christmas You Fucking Assholes"?????????????

    War on Christmas, indeed.

  49. HelmutNewton

    One thing I've noticed about Walker is that he always looks like he's bored out of his mind.

    Like, "Ugh! I can't believe the Koch Bros. make me interact with these snivelling peasants all the time."

  50. Scottsdalian

    By the way… Kourtney on vacation? Hope she is enjoying her well-earned rest from all those vegetables.

  51. Radiotherapy

    So this is it. Our christmas gruel.
    You don't go to war with the post you wish you had, you go to war with the post you have.

    1. Biff

      I look forward to the even worse year-ending post, worse even if only because of the terrible obligatory embedded audio.

  52. poorgradstudent

    Scott Walker's sons are probably mad that their father promised their organs to the Koch brothers.

  53. Loaded_Pants

    I was actually surprised about this because both our Gov. & Perry seem to have an equal appreciation of the ol' Confederate days. I can still picture them being good huntin' buddies at the N*ggerhead hunting camp.

Comments are closed.