war on xmas

‘Twas the Night Before Iowa … (A Visit From St. Reagan)

The teabaggers stuffed in their Rascals with care ....‘Twas the night before Iowa, when all through the state,
The wingnuts were fuming, their heads fat with hate.
The caucus was planned, in just over a week,
Yet the GOP candidates were unelectable freaks!

The reporters were nestled in bedbug motels.
Their noses recoiling from strange Iowa smells,
Of corn syrup fields, and thick manure dollops,
and visions of Newt giving trinkets to trollops.

When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
Candy Crowley ran out to see what was the matter.
Out by the remote truck, a big plane had crashed.
And a zombie crawled out with a sackful of cash.

The moonlight it bounced off the black salted ice,
As the undead old man told the same dumb joke twice.
Then he turned mean and weird and his voice was a bark,
Aimed at eight tiny cretins holding hands in the dark.

This grim wrinkled ghoul in his Air Force One slippers,
I knew in a flash that it must be The Gipper!
More vapid than talk shows, more empty than air.
Could this rotten old corpse save the eight cretins there?

“Now Bachmann, now Huntsman, on Ricky and Mittens,
Ron Paul and Johnson, Santorum and Gingrich:
To the top of the polls, to the top of the Oh-Twelve.
You jellybean oafs with the stature of elves.”

Like the insane extreme weather the Republicans caused,
by burning all carbon and flapping their jaws,
The eight tiny cretins leapt in front of the jet,
And heaved and then ho’d, which Gingrich liked best!

And then in a news cycle, I heard on the tube,
The prancing and mincing of each GOP dude.
As I drew back in horror and ran for the hills,
There went Crazy Bachmann with a brain full of pills.

The old man chuckled grimly like that Dickens’ creep Fagin.
There was no doubt about it, this monster was Reagan.
He was in a blue suit with a red boring tie.
And his hair was greased back and all blackened with dye.

His dead eyes did glisten, his skin loose and scary.
His cheeks were all rouged, like cough syrup cherry.
His grim lifeless mouth like a wall-mounted fish,
While the cold snow collected his falling-off flesh.

A Chesterfield filter clenched tight in his dentures,
While his imp, Wee Lee Atwater, burst forth from Hell’s ventures.
“This fella will help you,” Reagan said with a snigger.
“To win next November ‘gainst that slick Kenyan Hitler.”

Gary Johnson got drowned, no-one knew he was swimmin.’
Herman Cain put his pecker in too many women.
Bachmann was nutty, Rick Perry was frothy,
Like blobs of Santorum in ruined morning coffee.

Huntsman worked for Obama, imagine the gall!
That left only the Newt, Romney and Paul.
A swollen crook piglet in a war of attrition,
A Taxachusetts Mormon who kept changing positions.

And then there was Ron Paul, a fringe whining elf,
At the top of the polls, in spite of himself!
With his harsh words of Negroes and worship of gold,
And he, just like Reagan, about a thousand years old!

The Gipper then read from a cue card in space:
“You keep Rove and Atwater, you can still take first place.
The corporations will still run the wars that they bring,
While you whine about freedom, because facts are stupid things.”

Adapted from “Desolation Row” by William Jennings Bryan, 1776.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    As St. Ronald once said about himself, "Vegetables are people too, my friends".

    • sbj1964

      Reagan was a dumbass! Let him burn in hell with all the right wingnuts!

  • dadanarchist

    Excellent, excellent, but may I suggest that perhaps in rewrites the plane fall *on* Candy Crowley?

    • Radiotherapy

      Now don't make Ken eat Crowley.

      • MzNicky

        Oh no! Now look what you did.

    • voodooeconomics

      there is room to 'land' so why does it have to fall 'on' Candy.it could maneuver for a refuel on her breast top.

    • iburl

      Then it would just bounce back up into the sky, as dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly.

    • sbj1964

      Candy is one sexy bitch in Russia!

  • Joshua Norton

    At some point the Gooper candidates must look around and say "we're joking, right?"

    Fa la la la, la la screwed.

    • Loaded_Pants

      And screwged, also, too, as well.

    • sbj1964

      They are to stupid to realize they are choking!

  • HarryButtle

    You know what else rhymes with "snigger"?

    • nounverb911

      Meshugener?

    • johnnymeatworth

      Jigger?

      • Guppy

        Don't mind if I do, thanks.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Chiggra?

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Hey, it's not like I said N-word.

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        (I said "Tr1gger," and the administrator confiscated it. Because of Tr1g?)

        • iburl

          I've also had some form of the word r3tard get flushed away in the past.

    • Baconzgood

      Figure?

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Arnold Schwarzenn!gger?

    • Radiotherapy

      Dick Bigger?

      • Baconzgood

        Why yes it is thanks for noticing.

    • memzilla

      Smacaca?

    • MzNicky

      booger? (it's slant rhyme)

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Dirty Digger? (aka. Rupert Murdoch…)

    • Extemporanus

      Strapping young buck?

    • SorosBot

      Anal fissure?

    • Baconzgood

      Hitler.

    • chascates

      Configure?

    • Biff

      de rigueur?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Go figger!

    • MissTaken

      Brazil Nuts?

    • Callyson

      None of the candidates had the brains of a ditch digger…

    • flamingpdog

      Tigger?

      (Yeah, yeah, yeah, well I bet none of you guys just spent four hours with your grandchilluns.)

    • sbj1964

      Let me guess Nigger? Black people are not stupid! They know n-word means Nigger.They are not a 3 year old!WTF! PC Bullshit! The term n-word is just as offensive.

      • tessiee

        "They are not a 3 year old!"

        *raises hand hesitantly*
        Um… well… *some* of them are.

    • user-of-owls

      Orange?

      • Isyaignert

        'effing brilliant!! L to the O to the L!!

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Bigger trigger – go figger

  • sbj1964

    Ghosts of Reagan past.Ketchup is a vegetable?"Well there you go again."

    • sbj1964

      1981 this jerk did not know that a tomato is a fruit,not a vegetable.Kids school lunch programs.

  • pukebot

    rick perry can beat that poem.

    there once was a man from nantucket…

    • HarryButtle

      Of whom Rick asked, “May I please suck it?”
      The man acquiesced
      And you know the rest
      Rick is now an outed cumbucket

      • BlueMonkeh

        WIN!!!!!!

        • pukebot

          agree. i knew someone would do the heavy lifting for that comment. well done harold.

    • Guppy

      He forgot the rest of the lines.

      • Callyson

        No, he just can't talk when his mouth is full.

        • Biff

          Such a polite boy, I should vote for him!

    • sbj1964

      And rick perry fucked it?

    • mourningnmerica

      Whose vote was for sale for a ducat
      The Koch brothers were called
      They went balls to the wall
      "Send the money right now, we'll just truck it".

    • Bonghits4Jesus

      There once was a Mormon from Nantucket
      Whose position was so flexible he could suck it.
      And he said with a grin
      As he wiped off his chin,
      The US is a cunt-ry I will fuck it.

  • coolhandnuke

    You left out the homoerotic reindeer games.

    • Ruhe

      You know, you're right. I do believe the bungalow Regan shared with Gary Cooper was known as the "Reindeer Lodge"…or maybe it was the "Down-Low Hotel"…I forget now.

    • Loaded_Pants

      They wouldn't let Rudolph play because he had a red nose & they all had brown noses.

      • tessiee

        OK, um… That wasn't actually Rudolph's nose.

        • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

          And that wasn't my belly button.

    • sbj1964

      Prancer was gay !

  • bureaucrap

    Like Shakespeare. Yet, somehow, different.

    • sbj1964

      Somehow different?Philistine!

  • chascates

    God bless us, every one.

    Except for the Cheneys; fuck those bastards.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      I hope you get many pee points in your stocking for this.

    • Loaded_Pants

      But have you seen their family portrait X-mas cards? The huntin' rifle in Dick's hand & the matching sweaters are nice touches. Adorable.

    • flamingpdog

      "Cheneys are people, my friend."

      • ShaveTheWhales

        People Libel!!!!!

    • sbj1964

      Fuck the GOP ! They suck.

      • Isyaignert

        Sorry for being all picky 'n' stuff, but fucking and sucking are actually quite nice. For the likes of Cheney The Dick, I recommend unfuck you and you blow! Carry on.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Dog bless us everyone!

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      In the form of doggerel, please.

      • tessiee

        Roses are red
        Violets are blue
        Fuck the Cheneys
        They're all bastards

    • paris biltong

      Except for the Cheneys; fuck those bastards.

      • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

        I doubt they believe in Dog. Heathens!

    • finallyhappy

      So that's why Snowbillly didn't like the Obama's card!

    • sbj1964

      God spelled backwards is dog.

  • samsuncle

    A visit from Sr. Ronnie is like a Christmas miracle. Merry/Happy (insert holiday of your choice) to all my fellow Wonketteers!

    • sbj1964

      Zombie Reagan is still an asshole!

    • Isyaignert

      Right back at 'cha samsuncle! Let's hope it's a good year for the unReaganization of America. Thirty fukkin' years of his VOOFUKKINDOO economics have ruined us. All of the greedy basturd corporate whores need to be kicked out of office. Anyone who signed St. Grover Norquist's no tax pledge needs to go. They broke their oath of office to uphold the constitution when the pledged to uphold some unelected asswipe's plan to steal more money from the peeps. Merry Christmas!

  • Dudleydidwrong

    St. Ronnie, Oh, how they loved him. Even though he fucked over so much and so many. Was he really real? Maybe he left us a turd-colored jelly bean to prove his existence.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee
    • Loaded_Pants

      He's the first Prez that I remember. Therefore, I like to think that most of my childhood was a 8-year hallucination.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I was a fully-grown adult during St. Ronnie's reign, and it was like living in a world where Voldemort was in charge. The guy would say the most illogical, inconsistent shit, and the vast majority of the American public either said "Oh, yeah" or "Well, we have to allow for the fact that he's insane, but gee, he seems so sincere".

      I hated the motherfucker then, and I hate his memory now.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Word.
        Why was he ever credited with ending the Cold War? That fucker kept it alive long enough to bloat the defense budget & make his buddies in the weapons industry rich while America's infrastructure crumbled.

      • tessiee

        Totally aside from how annoying it was to watch everybody kiss Reagan's dumb, wrinkled, old ass; he earns a special place in Hell for starting the tradition (which continues to the present, and shows no sign of slowing down, let alone going away) of nobody ever holding Republicans accountable for their words or actions.

    • sbj1964

      Reagan was just a myth we tell children to scare them.

  • Barb

    I hope I get a rapture countdown clock for Christmas.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      12-21-12. If we're lucky.

    • sbj1964

      The movie Armageddon taught us all that when the end comes a black President will rule! 2012 the END !

    • Kidneys4Sale

      One self-reversing, slobber moistened hourglass, coming right up.

  • SenileAgitation

    Ken thanks for that fine bit of holiday rhymery, and a Merry Christmas to you!

    • sbj1964

      Thanks Ken for playing!

  • V572 the Merciless

    Fine, fine work, Mr Layne. And that means a lot coming from me, as I hold a bachelor's degree in English from the Argricultural Training Institute in West Lafayette, Indiana.

    I am obliged to point out, however, that St Ronnie of Santa Barbara is holding a pack of Chesterfield regulars, which were unfiltered. Don't believe Chesterfield made a filtered coffin nail. Used to smoke the Kings, myself. Smoking unfiltered cigs and drinking black coffee gave you a lot of cachet, in those days, sitting around the student union trying to look alienated.

    • chascates

      I actually went to Wikipedia to see if they are still available (they are) and discovered:

      Only two varieties of Chesterfield are available in the United States:

      Chesterfield Red Pack (Filter): Kings – Box
      Chesterfield Non-Filter: Kings – Soft

      • V572 the Merciless

        I know, I was just about to edit the comment.

        • chascates

          I don't think I ever remember seeing them in a store but I was a Pall Mall smoker in my youth.

          • Biff

            I smoked 'em all. Philip Morris, Chesterfield, Lucky Strike, Pall Mall (we called them "long Luckies", Camels mostly, and even unfiltered Kools. Switched to rolling my own when I got tired of everyone mooching; Bugler nearly killed me. I still miss a good cigar now and then, but I behave, for the most part.

          • chascates

            Every several months I'll spring for a Macanudo Duke of Devon or similar. I enjoyed cigars back before they became so popular and so expensive. And I want something special to drink with them, an Appleton rum or Booker Noe bourbon. My present finances will allow only a Swisher Sweet with a Pearl beer, thus I decline.

          • flamingpdog

            Mmmmm, Swish-er Sweeeeets. They make great gnat and mosquito repellant – just smoke up a storm and build up a cloud around your head to keep them away. But even the gnats wouldn't make me touch a Pearl.

          • V572 the Merciless

            One good thing about going to foreign countries is that you can get Cuban cigars at any tabak or newstand. But as long as the offspring of erstwhile Havana whorehouse owners run the politics in Florida, and as long as you have to win Florida to be president, we'll keep that awful demonic Fidel Castro bottled up, for FREEDOM!

    • Radiotherapy

      Yes, the filters are for the pussies who think they actually prevent cancer and emphysema.

    • MzNicky

      As an editor I used to work for once screamed: "Goddam fact checkers! They have no poetry in their souls!"

    • ttommyunger

      Preferred the Shortie Camels, myself. Good times (hack, cough, hack).

      • tessiee

        I quit years ago, but can still recognize Camels (my old brand) when I smell someone smoking one.

        • ttommyunger

          I've been quit for twenty years or so, when someone asks me how long I've been off them I reply “all day”: I prolly quit a hundred times.

    • sbj1964

      WOW! You too?

      • V572 the Merciless

        Me too what, amigo? An admirer of Ken’s fine doggerel? A former smoker of Chesterfields? A person who remembers O Purdue, O Purdue, how you make me shiver, with your old Sweet Shop and your Wabash River?

        • HempDogbane

          V, shouldn't you have been drinking Boilermakers?

          • V572 the Merciless

            Whisky and beer are both fine things to drink but don’t go together any better than Ron Paul and his eventual veep nominee Mitt Romney.

  • Come here a minute

    Now I have to go out and have my passport painted brown.

    • V572 the Merciless

      The beauty parlors are filled with sailors, after all.

    • SorosBot

      And the GOP candidates are a sub-human crew who want to go out and round up everyone who knows more than they do.

    • paris biltong

      See what I mean, Zappadoo76?

    • sbj1964

      Painted brown? Really?

  • edgydrifter

    Merry Wonkettmas, you wonderful cynics and makers of snide remarks! May all your stockings be filled with whatever it is that gets you through the night, and may we all be blessed with scandals aplenty to mock.

    • Baconzgood

      Boxed wine and porn.

      • Not_So_Much

        Tequila and anusburgers

        • KeepFnThatChicken

          I'll be studying Godwin's Law and "T"

    • Radiotherapy

      As Mitch Hedberg said: "the best stocking stuffer is a severed leg."

    • LettucePrey

      may we all be blessed with scandals aplenty to mock.

      You mean like this one?

      It's hard out there for a media hack!

      • Loaded_Pants

        No surprise that O'Keefe still lives with his parents.
        Mother O'Keefe: "What are you doing in the bathroom for so long?!"
        O'Keefe: "Nothing ma!"

      • real_dc_native

        "conservative filmmaker James O’Keefe"

        Filmmaker? More like a conservative lying sack of shit. But I repeat myself.

      • Isyaignert

        I hate that fukkin' twerp's ugly fukkin' face. Why isn't he in jail for being a ginormous lying fukkin' douchebag pimpin' cheating' video editin' fukkin' fuk?

    • flamingpdog

      scandals aplenty to mock

      ♫ "I saw Marcus kissing Santa Claus." ♫

  • yyyaz

    I kinda thought my coffee did have something of an off taste today. Blechh.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Palin omit libel!

  • sbj1964

    Reagan was the Uber Republican.

  • mormos

    zombie Reagan? meh. wake me when there's a robot Nixon.

    • tessiee

      "I'm meeting you halfway, you stupid hippies!" — Robot Nixon on Futurama

  • Baconzgood

    Do they even make Chesterfields anymore?

    • chascates

      Yes and it's filled with healthy ingredients:

      The ingredients in the Tobacco Ingredients by Brand list are identified in descending order by weight.

      Tobacco
      Water
      Sugars (Sucrose and/or Invert Sugar and/or High Fructose Corn Syrup)
      Propylene Glycol
      Glycerol
      Cocoa and Cocoa Products
      Carob Bean and Extract
      Natural and Artificial Flavors
      http://www.philipmorrisusa.com/en/cms/Products/Ci

      • MzNicky

        mmmmm. That gives me an idea for a new Christmas cookie recipe!

        • Baconzgood

          That's why I smoke Camel's. They are healthy.

          • chascates

            With as many chemicals as RJ Reynolds uses they must be!
            http://tobaccoanalysis.blogspot.com/2010/01/rj-re

            Actually the Camel web site omits those chemicals and has:

            Tobacco
            Water
            Glycerol
            Brown Sugar
            Propylene Glycol
            High Fructose Corn Syrup
            Sucrose
            Cellulose Fiber
            Cocoa
            Licorice
            Diammonium Phosphate
            Ammonium Hydroxide
            Natural & Artificial Flavors
            http://www.rjrt.com/brandcompounds.aspx

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Are those the ingredients for cigarettes or for Twinkies?

          • Baconzgood

            I don't smoke, drink heavily, and eat fried oreos for my health. I do it because, like the honey badger, I don't give a shit.

          • Radiotherapy

            Thanks stupid, thanks for the recipes, see ya later.

          • Isyaignert

            Bacon IS good, in fact, it's BETTER than good.

          • Biff

            Where's the santorum?

          • Loaded_Pants

            No wonder I liked them so much!

  • bureaucrap

    You forgot the last verse:

    Reagan mumbled and drooled and lurched back to the plane
    Which returned to the dark nether world whence he came
    But he yelled as he left "Although I'm a zombie
    Merry Christmas from Chesterfield and W.O. Crombie."*

    *A fictitious person who is really the Liggett-Myers Tobacco company. See, Mittens was right! Corporations ARE people!

    • paris biltong

      Upfist.
      Also, Ken, excellent photo edit on old WO, who's lost a bit of weight.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    There was only one woman to hold hands with. That means six candidates have to get gay-married. Maybe it will be Santorum and Gingrich.

    • Guppy

      Republicans don't do gay marriage. They do gay adultery.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Wow, "Santorum and Gingrich" sounds a little like Sodom and Gomorrah. Cool.

      • HistoriCat

        "Santorum and Gingrich" – worst buddy cop show EVAR.

    • Loaded_Pants

      But does Santorum like Tiffany's?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Does anyone think Ronnie was a little uneasy when he got to the Pearly Gates and found that Auggie Sandino was covering for St. Peter?

    • V572 the Merciless

      The Reaganista government of the United States was willing to do anything to unseat the Sandinista government of Nicaragua. Can't even remember anymore how convicted felon Ollie North managed to wrangle Iran and Contras together, but he did. Maybe Fawn Hall had something to do with it.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Her, or Juan Valdez running a sleeper cell.

        • V572 the Merciless

          The Columbian drug coffee dealer?

      • paris biltong

        Didn't she have a fling with Mick Jagger?

        • V572 the Merciless

          Maybe. She married Danny Sugerman, the manager of the post-Jim-Morrison Doors, believe it or not. Kinda sad.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fawn_Hall

          • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

            She also became a crack-head in the 1990s. Here is an Inside Edition segment with BILL O'REILLY!:
            http://www.weht.net/WEHT/Fawn_Hall.html

          • user-of-owls

            ….which was the style at the time.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Retrospectively, I would have hit that.

        Of course, back then, I would hit anything that stood still long enough.

        • V572 the Merciless

          There’s enough residual hotness in the contemporary picks that would make me at least consider hitting the now-52-year-old cokehead ex-wife of the manager of a washed-up rock band.

      • Isyaignert

        I saw Fawn Hall in person back in 1988 when I was getting a private tour of the White House (friends in high places) and she was a real horn-honking head-turner.

    • tessiee

      I love that Augie Sandino tried to shoot somebody for talkin' bad about him Mama.

      Also, Reagan was never at the Pearly Gates. He went straight to hell, where he is currently spending eternity being beaten up and crapped on by the people his policies made poor and/or homeless.

      • user-of-owls

        In a region marked by histories that are circular, not linear, Nicaragua stands out. Marines invade, Sandino resists. Marines leave, put Somoza I on the throne. Somoza invites Sandino to sign peace treaty, murders him immediately afterward. Rigoberto Lopez, deranged poet (of course) by trade, murders Somoza 30 years later. Eldest son Luis takes over, dies of overindulgence in bed of mistress. Junior (Tachito, not Wonkette) takes over, murders Nicaragua's Rockefeller-esque newspaper owner Joaquin Chamorro, which signals elites that no one is safe, which begins the end game, which culminates with the Revolution, which is led by the heirs to Sandino, who are quickly attacked by Washington, who back Chamorro's widow, who wins in 1990, which…oh, you get the picture.

        There is a reason Nicas are renowned as poets. There is a reason Latin America gave birth to magical realism. And there is a reason why they say down there, "The past is a predator."

  • TeaNuts

    Hey, Zombies are people too, and so are Repulitards, though I often find the two interchangeable.

  • MzNicky

    This helped make my yuletide bright. Kudos, especially for the Fagin/Reagan rhyme.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      "…Palestine, terror on the airline."

      Now I have "We Didn't Start The Fire" in my head. THANKS A LOT.

    • tessiee

      "the Fagin/Reagan rhyme."

      Also the "snigger/Hitler" U-turn.

  • elviouslyqueer

    That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

    Merry Kwanzmaspukkashelldiwaleidukkah Happy Holidays, also too, Wonketters! And may all your Festivus poles be bright!

    • bureaucrap

      I'm going to go polish my pole right now!

    • Loaded_Pants

      This year my airing of grievances is going to take quite awhile.

      • comrad_darkness

        You need to use an egg timer, or get everyone very very drunk first.

  • Baconzgood

    Merry Christmas to all my Wonkett Associates. Enjoy time with the family and be sure to put a slice of bacon on top of it.

    Baconzgood.

    • chascates

      Baconzgreat. Or BaconzGOD!

      • AlterNewt

        Same to you. Nuthin' says Christmas like bacon.

    • Biff

      I'm fresh out of family, but I gotz bacon!

    • http://www.wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

      You can put bacon on whiskey!?!

      • tessiee

        I don't know about that, but fyi? you can put brown sugar on bacon.

        • Isyaignert

          I hear that's delicious as an appetizer. Must try.

      • Isyaignert

        Hell, they have bacon-flavored vodka.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Wow Ken. Guess seeing Howl among your rare theater-going jaunts served your poetic parody skillz well. ( & I'm having flashbacks at the mention of "bedbugs" – – good riddance to 2011 and to all of its pestilences).

  • Extemporanus

    ♫♪ I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, underneath the missile codes last night… ♫♪

    • Barb

      Classic! I fist you with glee!

      • Extemporanus

        Thanks for the stocking stuffer, Barb!

        I gift wrapped your box, too.

        • AlterNewt

          That was a beautiful thing.

        • Radiotherapy

          Why don't you two go get a manger?

          • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

            For there was no room at the Day's Inn.

          • Extemporanus

            The first — and last — time that I checked into a Days Inn was exactly 22 years ago this week.

            I checked out in handcuffs.

          • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

            My imagination has a choice of two plot lines for what led up to the handcuffs. Do I want to know the truth?

          • Extemporanus

            Dad?!

          • flamingpdog

            Manger might be a little cramped. I suggest an Upper Room.

          • Extemporanus

            Manger is the French word for the verb "to eat".

            The "Upper Room" is the English term used for the site of the Last Supper.

            Jesus Christ never stood a chance…

          • Extemporanus

            I totally read that as "Why don't you two go get a manager?", and assumed that you were suggesting that we take our two-bit act on the road.

            Which, now that I think about it…

          • Radiotherapy

            I would happily pay the extortion fee to Ticketmaster to see that show. Consider it, won't you? For all of Wonkettedom. I've got musical skills to contribute at Wal-Mart non-union scale.
            If not, I agree with our biblical scholar (like that's hard) that you two do deserve the Upper Room. It's what? 10-20 feet closer to the mile high club — a joke Jeebus, in all his infinite wisdom, would not get.
            Either way my Satan Claws friend, enjoy the solstice celebration.

          • Extemporanus

            Please please please tell me that those musical skills include bitchin' theremin solos, Radio.

            I blow a pretty mean mouth organ, and if Barb's willing to bust out the ol' squeeze box, we could totally rawk the Upper Deck nose bleed-seats' fucking faces off!

            Happy Hell-O-Days, heathen, and Merry X-Raymas, too!

          • Radiotherapy

            hahaha, hohoho my convergent evolutionary comrade.
            If you've never seen this masterpiece, consider it as a solstice gift. I'm sure your sweet twisted mind will appreciate this documentary extraordinaire.
            Or, for a quick appreciation , enjoy this.
            Don't drink the yellow egg nog.

          • Barb

            Temp? May I call you Temp? We should start with improv.

          • Extemporanus

            You most certainly may, Bar.

            (May I call you "Bar"? As in, "Your comments really raise the you around here."? Cool!)

            Improv is a swell idea. And if we manage to find a little 'e', we could even improve.

            (*groan*)

            Apologies and warm wishes, First Lady!

            ~Temp

          • Barb

            Yes, you may call me anything you wish.
            When Ken was looking for a writer I said that you should be the one and the only one. I placed a large wager on it. I was positive it was you.

          • Barb

            Oh, and about the "bar" I don't think I am clever or anything close. It's intimidating around here because so many of you are so intelligent and remarkably witty. I think some people just feel comfortable responding to me. It's no superpower on my part. People like to belong in a conversation.

          • Extemporanus

            Very, very sorry for not replying sooner, Bar, but I've been away.*

            There are a few things that I wish to say in regards to your kind comments, but to do so properly, I'll have to wait until I have a bit more time/hooch.

            Until then, I raise a self-defacing toast to your self-effacing conversational skills, and promise to say more soon.

            *[On location directing a historically accurate-ish six-hour documentary slideshow exploring the turn-of-the-century Malaysian deaf-mute midget immigrant bukkake death cults of civil war-torn Bora Bora.]

          • Radiotherapy

            Me too Barb, I was under the happy delusion for a while that extem was Wonkette, Jr., but Zeus bless the little guy/person, the infinite wit was just not there. Of course, we'll take what we can get.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Who sings this song?

    • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

      Sound fucking terrible, so The Eagles prolly.

      • sbj1964

        Ghost of Bing Crosby?

        • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

          Followed by his Little Drummer Boy duet with Bowie.

    • Chichikovovich

      It's the last thing Sid Vicious recorded before his death. A duet with Exene Cervenka.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Happy Holidays to one and all.

    Well, save Dick Cheney – where may this holiday find his Depends have become infested with the sabre-toothed crotch crickets of a thousand Juarez bordellos.

    • sbj1964

      They would die if they bite Cheney.

      • Loaded_Pants

        Or become mutants.

    • flamingpdog

      I dunno, is there actually a dick in Dick Cheney?

    • tessiee

      "his Depends have become infested with the sabre-toothed crotch crickets of a thousand Juarez bordellos."

      There's an ancient Middle Eastern curse along the lines of, "May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your pubic hair".

  • SayItWithWookies

    Good ol' Ronnie, who, after the Iran-Contra scandal suddenly focused attention on his inattentiveness as a manager, was often glowingly described as "alert" during important meetings. As in, "And sources say the president stayed awake during the entire cabinet meeting, often doodling pictures of cowboys on his notepad." You young'uns probably think I'm makin' that shit up, but I only wish I was.

    • chascates

      Everyone should read Will Bunch's Tear Down This Myth: The Right-Wing Distortion of the Reagan Legacy.

      • Biff

        Also, Bob Schieffer's The Acting President.

        • tessiee

          Also, "The Clothes have No Emperor" by Paul Slansky…

          And just by the way, does it strike anybody else as puke-inducing that there are at least three separate books dedicated to holding Reagan accountable the way that journalists were *supposed* to have done?

    • paris biltong

      Alert as in "He's in intensive care, but alert." A minimum prerequisite for even a figurehead president, I should think.

      • Biff

        So, as it turned out, we don't need more lerts.

    • V572 the Merciless

      Don't tell the Republicans. They're still looking for things to name after him.

    • sbj1964

      Ronnie Reagan Bedtime for Bonzo! The monkey got top billing.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Seriously, though…when Gaddafi was offed where were the Reagan conservatives squealing about how it was a good thing? Maybe I missed it but I don't recall any of these old coots hobbling out with walkers to appear on the tube & say that what Reagan set in motion was finally completed.

    • Loaded_Pants

      I was in kingergarten when he was sworn in. Our fat-assed Republican teacher (seriously…the woman was HUGE & used to eat Snickers–using both hands, probably–during our naptime) turned on the TV for the swearing-in ceremony. Indoctrinating 5 year-olds. How lovely.

      • flamingpdog

        Was the swearing-in ceremony at naptime too? Mebbe she just wanted to help you doze off.

        • Chichikovovich

          Or maybe she just thought Reagan was a good example: "Kids, I'm tired of you bouncing off the walls when I want to to be still and quiet. So watch carefully, because here is someone who really knows how to nap."

        • Loaded_Pants

          I think you're onto something because, as I remember it, it WAS during naptime. So I wonder what it meant when, 11 years later, I was in high school & my study hall teacher turned on the TV so we could watch Clinton's swearing-in ceremony? Maybe it a message to all the boys: "Look guys! No matter how much of a horndog you are now, you can remain a horndog as an adult & even get elected President!"

      • Jerri

        Did we have the same kindergarten teacher? Our class had a mock election. I was the only kid not to vote for the Gipper and was chastised for "not voting for the winner." Oy.

    • tessiee

      "was often glowingly described as "alert" during important meetings. … You young'uns probably think I'm makin' that shit up, but I only wish I was."

      I know you're not making it up, unfortunately. The glorification of Reagan was the beginning of a long and ignoble tradition of lowering the bar to the point where any Republican able to sit up without help was considered fit to run the country.

      • Isyaignert

        Nothing's changed in 30 years – they're still sending in the clowns.

  • Radiotherapy

    May I be the first to wish all of you and yours:
    MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS

  • MzNicky

    One problem, though — wasn't St. Ronnie Ray-gun already grim wrinkled ghoul/rotten old corpse with his flesh all falling off in real life? So that means he became a re-zombie-fied zombie? eww.

    • chascates

      Carrie Fisher once asked if anyone else noticed his face was melting.

      • Loaded_Pants

        The molting was strong with that one (Ronnie…not Carrie).

        • Loaded_Pants

          I do have to share this:
          A friend of mine is a screenwriter who's friends with Carrie Fisher. And I actually got to have dinner with her. She was sharp, funny, and also very nice. We even started discussing the sexual interests of the Hutts (okay, that didn't really happen but it would have been awesome).

  • CrunchyKnee

    "The voice of the turtle?" I didn't know Raygun spoke for Mitch McConnell?

    • sbj1964

      Digging up bones?

    • Loaded_Pants

      Reagan was in the movie "Dark Victory" with Bette Davis. He played a drunk. Who knew that role would prepare him for his political career and that movie's title would perfectly describe his election to the Presidency.

      • tessiee

        "Reagan was in the movie "Dark Victory" with Bette Davis. … Who knew that … that movie's title would perfectly describe his election to the Presidency."

        The title was DARK Victory, not DORK Victory.

  • Troglodeity

    Most brilliant!

    Who'll bear the standard for the G.O.P. sheeple?
    Who gives a f***; corporations are people.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Trinkets to Trollops. Isn't that a band?

    • Nostrildamus

      It's a game show on TLC.

  • MzNicky

    I love your mom too. Will she adopt me? Too late?

    • OneDollarJuana

      I'll love your mom, too, especially after a few scotches.

  • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

    Beautiful . . . just, beautiful. I laughed, I cried, I came on my shoe three times.

    • sbj1964

      Jesus cries blood every time you touch yourself.

      • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

        He has such feminine eyes.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Then I read the poem.

    • tessiee

      "I came on my shoe three times."

      Oh, great.
      Now I'm picturing your avatar as your O-face.
      That's just great.

      • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

        I've never actually seen my O-face, but I really hope that isn't it.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I wish to echo samsuncle and wish each of you (that includes Wonkette staff, Wonkette interns, Ebenezer Layne, and all of the Wonkeratti Snark Legion) a very merry Christmas.

    See you bitches on Tuesday.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Returning to a theme from earlier. I remind you all of the true meaning of the season, indeed, of all seasons.

    Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

    • ShaveTheWhales

      We wish you some merry fishmen, too.

    • HistoriCat

      Aw, thanks Blue – may you be devoured first!

  • Fox n Fiends

    "Just keep cutting taxes" is what St. Ronnie said
    "Cut them all down t'il America's dead!"

    • sbj1964

      Cut Taxes ,but only for the rich.Poor people will just waste it on groceries.

  • whiskeybaby

    Feliz Navidad, bitches!

    • flamingpdog

      and a Jappy New Year!

    • comrad_darkness

      Navidaddy must be God, right?

  • paris biltong

    Reagan stands as a model for politicians just as he is one for aspiring actors.

    • sbj1964

      Ronnie was the first actor President.Donald Trump wants to be the first Game Show host to be President.

      • flamingpdog

        Ronbo was the first President to carry a long-term Screen Actors Guild card. Most of the Presidents before and after him were actors.

    • tessiee

      i.e., mediocre at both.

    • HistoriCat

      You mean because he's dead right? Yep – that works for me.

  • mavenmaven

    This year's winner of the wonkette poetry slam, for the line
    " Bachmann was nutty, Rick Perry was frothy,
    Like blobs of Santorum in ruined morning coffee."
    was awarded by our special guest host, Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I don't get it.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Merry Christmas!! May the Flying Spaghetti Monster leave lots of presents in your chimney, or whatever.

    • flamingpdog

      And a Happy Noodle Year!!

    • sbj1964

      The spaghetti Monster moves in mysterious ways.

  • user-of-owls

    "Twas the Night Before Iowa" is this generation's "Who Laughs This Way? Ho Ho Ho."

    • tessiee

      It's a bit late, but anyway:

      Q: What's the difference between Santa and Herman Cain?
      A: Santa stops after the third Ho.

    • sbj1964

      Ho HO HO's would be the GOP's!!

  • MissTaken

    Merry Christmas, heathens! May the person under the mistletoe not be your cousin for once!

    • Guppy

      I'm really not feeling picky right now…

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      But my cousin's HAWT!!1!!

    • sbj1964

      Mistletoe?All bought up by the Chinese hard-on market.

    • Loaded_Pants

      But my cousins are the best kissers I've ever kissed! (Why yes, I'm from southern Appalachia….how'd you guess?)

  • yyyaz

    Hooray! There is a Kenlayne clause {work with me here, people)! A hearty, walloping, free-range-buffalo-meatloaf of a poem just in the nick of time. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY ________________ to Wonketteers and theirs everywheres!!!!!1

    • sbj1964

      Cool,Have a great silly season!

  • Devilette

    Season's Greetings to all wonketteers! I love lurking here and reading your comments. This place certainly puts a smile on my face and given me many hearty laughs. Stay safe, enjoy your family and friends.

    • sbj1964

      Will do,and may you have a happy New year !

    • Buckminster

      @Devilette Come with us next Halloween and set bags of poop on fire on peoples' porches. Really.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    You know those packets of Reindeer Turds they sell in gift shops this time of year? I'm going to get some snack-size ziplock bags and half-fill them with chocolate sauce, raisinettes, and marshmallow fluff, print out some "Santorum 2012" labels, and give them to my conservative acquaintances.

    Peace, love, and dick jokes to all my Wonkish comrades!

    • sbj1964

      Conservative butt monkeys,Teabaggers are dick jokes.

    • chascates

      Austin has dispensers for bags to place dog shit in on certain streets beloved by dog-walkers. I always try to grab a handful, fill them with coffee grounds or something and place them on cars with wingtard bumper stickers.

      And I miss those 'I'm changing the climate–Ask me how!' bumper stickers that were so great to place on Humvees and Escalades!

    • sbj1964

      Save me two packs,going to a Romney pac meeting .

    • zappadoo76

      Don't forget the ketchup.

  • Loaded_Pants

    I don't know who this Felix Navidavid is & have never understood why he gets so many shout-outs around Christmastime.

  • rickmaci

    "…Don we now our KKK apparel,
    Fa la la, la la la, la la la…"

    • sbj1964

      GOP dress code sorry.White sheets.

    • Buckminster

      More special garments? I thought Ugly Sweaters were the dress code for the day. Damn, why don't I get the memos?

    • Loaded_Pants

      Well, the KKK robes have become more colorful in recent years. (Just google it, I'm too lazy to post pics…now they have green, red and etc. robes) Apparently, it has something to due with "rank" or whatever that most people don't give a shit about.

  • Buckminster

    Ken, Ken, Ken–I love it, but fix the meter. Too many toddies before 5 screws up my rhyming ability also. In fact, when I drink, I fancy myself a great wit, but I am only half right.

    • sbj1964

      I only drink to kill he pain !

  • ttommyunger

    Iambic Pentameter Libel.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Well, yeah, but FUCK IAMBS anyhow.

      And best wishes to you and your family (including deployed son) for the holidays.

      • ttommyunger

        Thanks, he is Stateside, being debriefed, will be home w/family tomorrow. The same to you, and thanks, again.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Fucking delighted to hear that. Even home for Xmas, way cool.

          • ttommyunger

            Thanks!

      • Radiotherapy

        Right, they make crappy dog food.

    • sbj1964

      WTF? is that suppose to mean?

      • ttommyunger

        Actually, being a Wonkette comment, meaning is not required, although a rather obtuse literary reference was intended, along with a throwback to Palin's heyday. Really a rather lame effort at humor on my part, wholly in character for me.

  • V572 the Merciless

    Lascaux, are you the one who got me hooked on that Hendrick's gin? Or was it Prommie? I used to be happy swilling Gilbey's or would maybe treat myself to Bombay once in a while, but no more — now if it doesn't cost $30/liter and taste like dandelions, I can't drink it.

    • snackypants

      Not to toot my own horn, but I think I broke the news to you about Hendricks Gin. Stuff is amazing, and Costco sells the big bottles sometimes if you're lucky.

      Cheers!

      • V572 the Merciless

        Thank you, snackypants! What a great gift it’s been.

    • Isyaignert

      mmmmm gin, it's Tanqueray for me. Did you know that Scotch (pun not intended) tape smells just like Tanqueray gin? Check it out sometime.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Tell her, "All of 'em, Katie" and when she delivers all of the single malts, take the one you really must have and then share the rest with us. Tongues hanging out…

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Merry Wonkettemas to all who frequent this place and help us survive these times that try the souls of men and women. Couldn't survive without you 'cause snark makes the world go round, along with the occasional serious stuff, like Ken's poetry.

    • sbj1964

      Ken's poetry is better than a GOP tweet!

  • tessiee

    Reagan always has, and always will, remind me of George Carlin's question, "If a really stupid person goes senile, how can you tell?'

    • sbj1964

      How can you tell? The Republican Party will nominate that stupid fuck !

    • Buckminster

      Un. You remember that woman that used to have the daughter that used to go to our church? You remember, she was blonde and had the red Subaru? The daugher played the piano. Oh, what's her name.

  • comrad_darkness

    I have a question I'm hoping some wonketteer can answer. Over at this link at the la times http://www.latimes.com/news/politics/la-pn-in-90s

    Is this gem from Ron Paul's newsletters: "The federal-homosexual cover-up on AIDS (my training as a physician helps me see through this one.)"

    Anyone can explain this in not drooling insane English? I'm curious.

    Actually, I trust Wonketteers more. That's why I'm asking here.

    I love you guys, and hope you're all having a great whatever . . . party . . . thing.

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      We are — the party's great. Didn't you get your invite?

    • sbj1964

      Ron Paul is a loon ! Crazy Republicans do not have to make sense!They're people would not notice any how.

    • paris biltong

      Physicians are trained to see through conspiracies and coverups, which is why none of them invested their savings with Bernie Madoff. You'll also note that they never believe doubtful claims made by pharmaceutical companies. Identifying federal-homosexual plots is child's play for them.

  • Kidneys4Sale

    Light the tree, spike the nog and serve on up that solstice hog.

    Happy holidays, assholes.

  • Buckminster

    C'mon Ken, you know I've been drinkin' since the sun was over the yardarm, and that was many, many hours ago. Cheers, and Happy Holidays!

  • aguacatero

    Baby Jesus says Ken Layne makes it all worthwhile, almost.

  • AFKensington

    I did a dramatic reading of this at several holiday parties and it went over so well. Epic! I love it.