‘Twas the night before Iowa, when all through the state,
The wingnuts were fuming, their heads fat with hate.
The caucus was planned, in just over a week,
Yet the GOP candidates were unelectable freaks!
The reporters were nestled in bedbug motels.
Their noses recoiling from strange Iowa smells,
Of corn syrup fields, and thick manure dollops,
and visions of Newt giving trinkets to trollops.
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
Candy Crowley ran out to see what was the matter.
Out by the remote truck, a big plane had crashed.
And a zombie crawled out with a sackful of cash.
The moonlight it bounced off the black salted ice,
As the undead old man told the same dumb joke twice.
Then he turned mean and weird and his voice was a bark,
Aimed at eight tiny cretins holding hands in the dark.
This grim wrinkled ghoul in his Air Force One slippers,
I knew in a flash that it must be The Gipper!
More vapid than talk shows, more empty than air.
Could this rotten old corpse save the eight cretins there?
“Now Bachmann, now Huntsman, on Ricky and Mittens,
Ron Paul and Johnson, Santorum and Gingrich:
To the top of the polls, to the top of the Oh-Twelve.
You jellybean oafs with the stature of elves.”
Like the insane extreme weather the Republicans caused,
by burning all carbon and flapping their jaws,
The eight tiny cretins leapt in front of the jet,
And heaved and then ho’d, which Gingrich liked best!
And then in a news cycle, I heard on the tube,
The prancing and mincing of each GOP dude.
As I drew back in horror and ran for the hills,
There went Crazy Bachmann with a brain full of pills.
The old man chuckled grimly like that Dickens’ creep Fagin.
There was no doubt about it, this monster was Reagan.
He was in a blue suit with a red boring tie.
And his hair was greased back and all blackened with dye.
His dead eyes did glisten, his skin loose and scary.
His cheeks were all rouged, like cough syrup cherry.
His grim lifeless mouth like a wall-mounted fish,
While the cold snow collected his falling-off flesh.
A Chesterfield filter clenched tight in his dentures,
While his imp, Wee Lee Atwater, burst forth from Hell’s ventures.
“This fella will help you,” Reagan said with a snigger.
“To win next November ‘gainst that slick Kenyan Hitler.”
Gary Johnson got drowned, no-one knew he was swimmin.’
Herman Cain put his pecker in too many women.
Bachmann was nutty, Rick Perry was frothy,
Like blobs of Santorum in ruined morning coffee.
Huntsman worked for Obama, imagine the gall!
That left only the Newt, Romney and Paul.
A swollen crook piglet in a war of attrition,
A Taxachusetts Mormon who kept changing positions.
And then there was Ron Paul, a fringe whining elf,
At the top of the polls, in spite of himself!
With his harsh words of Negroes and worship of gold,
And he, just like Reagan, about a thousand years old!
The Gipper then read from a cue card in space:
“You keep Rove and Atwater, you can still take first place.
The corporations will still run the wars that they bring,
While you whine about freedom, because facts are stupid things.”
Adapted from “Desolation Row” by William Jennings Bryan, 1776.
{ 318 comments }
As St. Ronald once said about himself, "Vegetables are people too, my friends".
Reagan was a dumbass! Let him burn in hell with all the right wingnuts!
Excellent, excellent, but may I suggest that perhaps in rewrites the plane fall *on* Candy Crowley?
Now don't make Ken eat Crowley.
Oh no! Now look what you did.
there is room to 'land' so why does it have to fall 'on' Candy.it could maneuver for a refuel on her breast top.
Then it would just bounce back up into the sky, as dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly.
Candy is one sexy bitch in Russia!
At some point the Gooper candidates must look around and say "we're joking, right?"
Fa la la la, la la screwed.
And screwged, also, too, as well.
They are to stupid to realize they are choking!
You know what else rhymes with "snigger"?
Meshugener?
Jigger?
Don't mind if I do, thanks.
Chiggra?
Hey, it's not like I said N-word.
(I said "Tr1gger," and the administrator confiscated it. Because of Tr1g?)
I've also had some form of the word r3tard get flushed away in the past.
Figure?
Arnold Schwarzenn!gger?
Dick Bigger?
Why yes it is thanks for noticing.
Smacaca?
booger? (it's slant rhyme)
Dirty Digger? (aka. Rupert Murdoch…)
Strapping young buck?
Anal fissure?
Hitler.
Configure?
de rigueur?
Go figger!
Brazil Nuts?
None of the candidates had the brains of a ditch digger…
Tigger?
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, well I bet none of you guys just spent four hours with your grandchilluns.)
Let me guess Nigger? Black people are not stupid! They know n-word means Nigger.They are not a 3 year old!WTF! PC Bullshit! The term n-word is just as offensive.
"They are not a 3 year old!"
*raises hand hesitantly*
Um… well… *some* of them are.
Orange?
'effing brilliant!! L to the O to the L!!
Bigger trigger – go figger
Ghosts of Reagan past.Ketchup is a vegetable?"Well there you go again."
1981 this jerk did not know that a tomato is a fruit,not a vegetable.Kids school lunch programs.
rick perry can beat that poem.
there once was a man from nantucket…
Of whom Rick asked, “May I please suck it?”
The man acquiesced
And you know the rest
Rick is now an outed cumbucket
WIN!!!!!!
agree. i knew someone would do the heavy lifting for that comment. well done harold.
He forgot the rest of the lines.
No, he just can't talk when his mouth is full.
Such a polite boy, I should vote for him!
And rick perry fucked it?
Whose vote was for sale for a ducat
The Koch brothers were called
They went balls to the wall
"Send the money right now, we'll just truck it".
There once was a Mormon from Nantucket
Whose position was so flexible he could suck it.
And he said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
The US is a cunt-ry I will fuck it.
You left out the homoerotic reindeer games.
You know, you're right. I do believe the bungalow Regan shared with Gary Cooper was known as the "Reindeer Lodge"…or maybe it was the "Down-Low Hotel"…I forget now.
They wouldn't let Rudolph play because he had a red nose & they all had brown noses.
OK, um… That wasn't actually Rudolph's nose.
And that wasn't my belly button.
Prancer was gay !
Like Shakespeare. Yet, somehow, different.
Somehow different?Philistine!
God bless us, every one.
Except for the Cheneys; fuck those bastards.
I hope you get many pee points in your stocking for this.
But have you seen their family portrait X-mas cards? The huntin' rifle in Dick's hand & the matching sweaters are nice touches. Adorable.
"Cheneys are people, my friend."
People Libel!!!!!
Fuck the GOP ! They suck.
Sorry for being all picky 'n' stuff, but fucking and sucking are actually quite nice. For the likes of Cheney The Dick, I recommend unfuck you and you blow! Carry on.
Dog bless us everyone!
In the form of doggerel, please.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Fuck the Cheneys
They're all bastards
Except for the Cheneys; fuck those bastards.
I doubt they believe in Dog. Heathens!
So that's why Snowbillly didn't like the Obama's card!
God spelled backwards is dog.
A visit from Sr. Ronnie is like a Christmas miracle. Merry/Happy (insert holiday of your choice) to all my fellow Wonketteers!
Zombie Reagan is still an asshole!
Right back at 'cha samsuncle! Let's hope it's a good year for the unReaganization of America. Thirty fukkin' years of his VOOFUKKINDOO economics have ruined us. All of the greedy basturd corporate whores need to be kicked out of office. Anyone who signed St. Grover Norquist's no tax pledge needs to go. They broke their oath of office to uphold the constitution when the pledged to uphold some unelected asswipe's plan to steal more money from the peeps. Merry Christmas!
St. Ronnie, Oh, how they loved him. Even though he fucked over so much and so many. Was he really real? Maybe he left us a turd-colored jelly bean to prove his existence.
He did, he did!!!
He's the first Prez that I remember. Therefore, I like to think that most of my childhood was a 8-year hallucination.
I was a fully-grown adult during St. Ronnie's reign, and it was like living in a world where Voldemort was in charge. The guy would say the most illogical, inconsistent shit, and the vast majority of the American public either said "Oh, yeah" or "Well, we have to allow for the fact that he's insane, but gee, he seems so sincere".
I hated the motherfucker then, and I hate his memory now.
Word.
Why was he ever credited with ending the Cold War? That fucker kept it alive long enough to bloat the defense budget & make his buddies in the weapons industry rich while America's infrastructure crumbled.
Totally aside from how annoying it was to watch everybody kiss Reagan's dumb, wrinkled, old ass; he earns a special place in Hell for starting the tradition (which continues to the present, and shows no sign of slowing down, let alone going away) of nobody ever holding Republicans accountable for their words or actions.
Reagan was just a myth we tell children to scare them.
I hope I get a rapture countdown clock for Christmas.
12-21-12. If we're lucky.
The movie Armageddon taught us all that when the end comes a black President will rule! 2012 the END !
One self-reversing, slobber moistened hourglass, coming right up.
Ken thanks for that fine bit of holiday rhymery, and a Merry Christmas to you!
Thanks Ken for playing!
Fine, fine work, Mr Layne. And that means a lot coming from me, as I hold a bachelor's degree in English from the Argricultural Training Institute in West Lafayette, Indiana.
I am obliged to point out, however, that St Ronnie of Santa Barbara is holding a pack of Chesterfield regulars, which were unfiltered. Don't believe Chesterfield made a filtered coffin nail. Used to smoke the Kings, myself. Smoking unfiltered cigs and drinking black coffee gave you a lot of cachet, in those days, sitting around the student union trying to look alienated.
I actually went to Wikipedia to see if they are still available (they are) and discovered:
Only two varieties of Chesterfield are available in the United States:
Chesterfield Red Pack (Filter): Kings – Box
Chesterfield Non-Filter: Kings – Soft
I know, I was just about to edit the comment.
I don't think I ever remember seeing them in a store but I was a Pall Mall smoker in my youth.
I smoked 'em all. Philip Morris, Chesterfield, Lucky Strike, Pall Mall (we called them "long Luckies", Camels mostly, and even unfiltered Kools. Switched to rolling my own when I got tired of everyone mooching; Bugler nearly killed me. I still miss a good cigar now and then, but I behave, for the most part.
Yes, the filters are for the pussies who think they actually prevent cancer and emphysema.
As an editor I used to work for once screamed: "Goddam fact checkers! They have no poetry in their souls!"
Preferred the Shortie Camels, myself. Good times (hack, cough, hack).
I quit years ago, but can still recognize Camels (my old brand) when I smell someone smoking one.
I've been quit for twenty years or so, when someone asks me how long I've been off them I reply “all day”: I prolly quit a hundred times.
WOW! You too?
Me too what, amigo? An admirer of Ken’s fine doggerel? A former smoker of Chesterfields? A person who remembers O Purdue, O Purdue, how you make me shiver, with your old Sweet Shop and your Wabash River?
V, shouldn't you have been drinking Boilermakers?
Whisky and beer are both fine things to drink but don’t go together any better than Ron Paul and his eventual veep nominee Mitt Romney.
Now I have to go out and have my passport painted brown.
The beauty parlors are filled with sailors, after all.
And the GOP candidates are a sub-human crew who want to go out and round up everyone who knows more than they do.
See what I mean, Zappadoo76?
Painted brown? Really?
Merry Wonkettmas, you wonderful cynics and makers of snide remarks! May all your stockings be filled with whatever it is that gets you through the night, and may we all be blessed with scandals aplenty to mock.
Boxed wine and porn.
Tequila and anusburgers
I'll be studying Godwin's Law and "T"
As Mitch Hedberg said: "the best stocking stuffer is a severed leg."
You mean like this one?
It's hard out there for a media hack!
No surprise that O'Keefe still lives with his parents.
Mother O'Keefe: "What are you doing in the bathroom for so long?!"
O'Keefe: "Nothing ma!"
"conservative filmmaker James O’Keefe"
Filmmaker? More like a conservative lying sack of shit. But I repeat myself.
I hate that fukkin' twerp's ugly fukkin' face. Why isn't he in jail for being a ginormous lying fukkin' douchebag pimpin' cheating' video editin' fukkin' fuk?
scandals aplenty to mock
♫ "I saw Marcus kissing Santa Claus." ♫
I kinda thought my coffee did have something of an off taste today. Blechh.
Palin omit libel!
Reagan was the Uber Republican.
zombie Reagan? meh. wake me when there's a robot Nixon.
"I'm meeting you halfway, you stupid hippies!" — Robot Nixon on Futurama
Do they even make Chesterfields anymore?
Yes and it's filled with healthy ingredients:
The ingredients in the Tobacco Ingredients by Brand list are identified in descending order by weight.
Tobacco
Water
Sugars (Sucrose and/or Invert Sugar and/or High Fructose Corn Syrup)
Propylene Glycol
Glycerol
Cocoa and Cocoa Products
Carob Bean and Extract
Natural and Artificial Flavors
http://www.philipmorrisusa.com/en/cms/Products/Ci...
mmmmm. That gives me an idea for a new Christmas cookie recipe!
That's why I smoke Camel's. They are healthy.
With as many chemicals as RJ Reynolds uses they must be!
http://tobaccoanalysis.blogspot.com/2010/01/rj-re...
Actually the Camel web site omits those chemicals and has:
Tobacco
Water
Glycerol
Brown Sugar
Propylene Glycol
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Sucrose
Cellulose Fiber
Cocoa
Licorice
Diammonium Phosphate
Ammonium Hydroxide
Natural & Artificial Flavors
http://www.rjrt.com/brandcompounds.aspx
You forgot the last verse:
Reagan mumbled and drooled and lurched back to the plane
Which returned to the dark nether world whence he came
But he yelled as he left "Although I'm a zombie
Merry Christmas from Chesterfield and W.O. Crombie."*
*A fictitious person who is really the Liggett-Myers Tobacco company. See, Mittens was right! Corporations ARE people!
Upfist.
Also, Ken, excellent photo edit on old WO, who's lost a bit of weight.
There was only one woman to hold hands with. That means six candidates have to get gay-married. Maybe it will be Santorum and Gingrich.
Republicans don't do gay marriage. They do gay adultery.
Wow, "Santorum and Gingrich" sounds a little like Sodom and Gomorrah. Cool.
"Santorum and Gingrich" – worst buddy cop show EVAR.
But does Santorum like Tiffany's?
Does anyone think Ronnie was a little uneasy when he got to the Pearly Gates and found that Auggie Sandino was covering for St. Peter?
The Reaganista government of the United States was willing to do anything to unseat the Sandinista government of Nicaragua. Can't even remember anymore how convicted felon Ollie North managed to wrangle Iran and Contras together, but he did. Maybe Fawn Hall had something to do with it.
Her, or Juan Valdez running a sleeper cell.
The Columbian
drugcoffee dealer?Didn't she have a fling with Mick Jagger?
Maybe. She married Danny Sugerman, the manager of the post-Jim-Morrison Doors, believe it or not. Kinda sad.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fawn_Hall
She also became a crack-head in the 1990s. Here is an Inside Edition segment with BILL O'REILLY!:
http://www.weht.net/WEHT/Fawn_Hall.html
Retrospectively, I would have hit that.
Of course, back then, I would hit anything that stood still long enough.
There’s enough residual hotness in the contemporary picks that would make me at least consider hitting the now-52-year-old cokehead ex-wife of the manager of a washed-up rock band.
I saw Fawn Hall in person back in 1988 when I was getting a private tour of the White House (friends in high places) and she was a real horn-honking head-turner.
I love that Augie Sandino tried to shoot somebody for talkin' bad about him Mama.
Also, Reagan was never at the Pearly Gates. He went straight to hell, where he is currently spending eternity being beaten up and crapped on by the people his policies made poor and/or homeless.
In a region marked by histories that are circular, not linear, Nicaragua stands out. Marines invade, Sandino resists. Marines leave, put Somoza I on the throne. Somoza invites Sandino to sign peace treaty, murders him immediately afterward. Rigoberto Lopez, deranged poet (of course) by trade, murders Somoza 30 years later. Eldest son Luis takes over, dies of overindulgence in bed of mistress. Junior (Tachito, not Wonkette) takes over, murders Nicaragua's Rockefeller-esque newspaper owner Joaquin Chamorro, which signals elites that no one is safe, which begins the end game, which culminates with the Revolution, which is led by the heirs to Sandino, who are quickly attacked by Washington, who back Chamorro's widow, who wins in 1990, which…oh, you get the picture.
There is a reason Nicas are renowned as poets. There is a reason Latin America gave birth to magical realism. And there is a reason why they say down there, "The past is a predator."
Hey, Zombies are people too, and so are Repulitards, though I often find the two interchangeable.
This helped make my yuletide bright. Kudos, especially for the Fagin/Reagan rhyme.
"…Palestine, terror on the airline."
Now I have "We Didn't Start The Fire" in my head. THANKS A LOT.
"the Fagin/Reagan rhyme."
Also the "snigger/Hitler" U-turn.
That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.
Merry KwanzmaspukkashelldiwaleidukkahHappy Holidays, also too, Wonketters! And may all your Festivus poles be bright!I'm going to go polish my pole right now!
This year my airing of grievances is going to take quite awhile.
You need to use an egg timer, or get everyone very very drunk first.
Merry Christmas to all my Wonkett Associates. Enjoy time with the family and be sure to put a slice of bacon on top of it.
Baconzgood.
Baconzgreat. Or BaconzGOD!
Same to you. Nuthin' says Christmas like bacon.
I'm fresh out of family, but I gotz bacon!
You can put bacon on whiskey!?!
I don't know about that, but fyi? you can put brown sugar on bacon.
I hear that's delicious as an appetizer. Must try.
Hell, they have bacon-flavored vodka.
Wow Ken. Guess seeing Howl among your rare theater-going jaunts served your poetic parody skillz well. ( & I'm having flashbacks at the mention of "bedbugs" – - good riddance to 2011 and to all of its pestilences).
♫♪ I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, underneath the missile codes last night… ♫♪
Classic! I fist you with glee!
Thanks for the stocking stuffer, Barb!
I gift wrapped your box, too.
That was a beautiful thing.
Why don't you two go get a manger?
For there was no room at the Day's Inn.
Manger might be a little cramped. I suggest an Upper Room.
I totally read that as "Why don't you two go get a manager?", and assumed that you were suggesting that we take our two-bit act on the road.
Which, now that I think about it…
Who sings this song?
Sound fucking terrible, so The Eagles prolly.
Ghost of Bing Crosby?
Followed by his Little Drummer Boy duet with Bowie.
It's the last thing Sid Vicious recorded before his death. A duet with Exene Cervenka.
Happy Holidays to one and all.
Well, save Dick Cheney – where may this holiday find his Depends have become infested with the sabre-toothed crotch crickets of a thousand Juarez bordellos.
They would die if they bite Cheney.
Or become mutants.
I dunno, is there actually a dick in Dick Cheney?
"his Depends have become infested with the sabre-toothed crotch crickets of a thousand Juarez bordellos."
There's an ancient Middle Eastern curse along the lines of, "May the fleas of a thousand camels nest in your pubic hair".
Good ol' Ronnie, who, after the Iran-Contra scandal suddenly focused attention on his inattentiveness as a manager, was often glowingly described as "alert" during important meetings. As in, "And sources say the president stayed awake during the entire cabinet meeting, often doodling pictures of cowboys on his notepad." You young'uns probably think I'm makin' that shit up, but I only wish I was.
Everyone should read Will Bunch's Tear Down This Myth: The Right-Wing Distortion of the Reagan Legacy.
Also, Bob Schieffer's The Acting President.
Also, "The Clothes have No Emperor" by Paul Slansky…
And just by the way, does it strike anybody else as puke-inducing that there are at least three separate books dedicated to holding Reagan accountable the way that journalists were *supposed* to have done?
Alert as in "He's in intensive care, but alert." A minimum prerequisite for even a figurehead president, I should think.
So, as it turned out, we don't need more lerts.
Don't tell the Republicans. They're still looking for things to name after him.
Ronnie Reagan Bedtime for Bonzo! The monkey got top billing.
Seriously, though…when Gaddafi was offed where were the Reagan conservatives squealing about how it was a good thing? Maybe I missed it but I don't recall any of these old coots hobbling out with walkers to appear on the tube & say that what Reagan set in motion was finally completed.
I was in kingergarten when he was sworn in. Our fat-assed Republican teacher (seriously…the woman was HUGE & used to eat Snickers–using both hands, probably–during our naptime) turned on the TV for the swearing-in ceremony. Indoctrinating 5 year-olds. How lovely.
Was the swearing-in ceremony at naptime too? Mebbe she just wanted to help you doze off.
Or maybe she just thought Reagan was a good example: "Kids, I'm tired of you bouncing off the walls when I want to to be still and quiet. So watch carefully, because here is someone who really knows how to nap."
I think you're onto something because, as I remember it, it WAS during naptime. So I wonder what it meant when, 11 years later, I was in high school & my study hall teacher turned on the TV so we could watch Clinton's swearing-in ceremony? Maybe it a message to all the boys: "Look guys! No matter how much of a horndog you are now, you can remain a horndog as an adult & even get elected President!"
Did we have the same kindergarten teacher? Our class had a mock election. I was the only kid not to vote for the Gipper and was chastised for "not voting for the winner." Oy.
"was often glowingly described as "alert" during important meetings. … You young'uns probably think I'm makin' that shit up, but I only wish I was."
I know you're not making it up, unfortunately. The glorification of Reagan was the beginning of a long and ignoble tradition of lowering the bar to the point where any Republican able to sit up without help was considered fit to run the country.
Nothing's changed in 30 years – they're still sending in the clowns.
May I be the first to wish all of you and yours:
MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS
Same to FUCKING YOU! And a HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR!
Happy Fucking Fucked Year!
http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/151728/merr...
Thank you Mr. Hand.
'kna!
One problem, though — wasn't St. Ronnie Ray-gun already grim wrinkled ghoul/rotten old corpse with his flesh all falling off in real life? So that means he became a re-zombie-fied zombie? eww.
Carrie Fisher once asked if anyone else noticed his face was melting.
The molting was strong with that one (Ronnie…not Carrie).
I do have to share this:
A friend of mine is a screenwriter who's friends with Carrie Fisher. And I actually got to have dinner with her. She was sharp, funny, and also very nice. We even started discussing the sexual interests of the Hutts (okay, that didn't really happen but it would have been awesome).
"The voice of the turtle?" I didn't know Raygun spoke for Mitch McConnell?
Digging up bones?
Reagan was in the movie "Dark Victory" with Bette Davis. He played a drunk. Who knew that role would prepare him for his political career and that movie's title would perfectly describe his election to the Presidency.
"Reagan was in the movie "Dark Victory" with Bette Davis. … Who knew that … that movie's title would perfectly describe his election to the Presidency."
The title was DARK Victory, not DORK Victory.
Most brilliant!
Who'll bear the standard for the G.O.P. sheeple?
Who gives a f***; corporations are people.
Trinkets to Trollops. Isn't that a band?
It's a game show on TLC.
I love your mom too. Will she adopt me? Too late?
I'll love your mom, too, especially after a few scotches.
Beautiful . . . just, beautiful. I laughed, I cried, I came on my shoe three times.
Jesus cries blood every time you touch yourself.
He has such feminine eyes.
Then I read the poem.
"I came on my shoe three times."
Oh, great.
Now I'm picturing your avatar as your O-face.
That's just great.
I've never actually seen my O-face, but I really hope that isn't it.
I wish to echo samsuncle and wish each of you (that includes Wonkette staff, Wonkette interns, Ebenezer Layne, and all of the Wonkeratti Snark Legion) a very merry Christmas.
See you bitches on Tuesday.
Returning to a theme from earlier. I remind you all of the true meaning of the season, indeed, of all seasons.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn
We wish you some merry fishmen, too.
Aw, thanks Blue – may you be devoured first!
"Just keep cutting taxes" is what St. Ronnie said
"Cut them all down t'il America's dead!"
Cut Taxes ,but only for the rich.Poor people will just waste it on groceries.
Feliz Navidad, bitches!
and a Jappy New Year!
Navidaddy must be God, right?
Reagan stands as a model for politicians just as he is one for aspiring actors.
Ronnie was the first actor President.Donald Trump wants to be the first Game Show host to be President.
Ronbo was the first President to carry a long-term Screen Actors Guild card. Most of the Presidents before and after him were actors.
i.e., mediocre at both.
You mean because he's dead right? Yep – that works for me.
This year's winner of the wonkette poetry slam, for the line
" Bachmann was nutty, Rick Perry was frothy,
Like blobs of Santorum in ruined morning coffee."
was awarded by our special guest host, Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo
I don't get it.
Merry Christmas!! May the Flying Spaghetti Monster leave lots of presents in your chimney, or whatever.
And a Happy Noodle Year!!
The spaghetti Monster moves in mysterious ways.
"Twas the Night Before Iowa" is this generation's "Who Laughs This Way? Ho Ho Ho."
It's a bit late, but anyway:
Q: What's the difference between Santa and Herman Cain?
A: Santa stops after the third Ho.
Ho HO HO's would be the GOP's!!
Merry Christmas, heathens! May the person under the mistletoe not be your cousin for once!
I'm really not feeling picky right now…
But my cousin's HAWT!!1!!
Mistletoe?All bought up by the Chinese hard-on market.
But my cousins are the best kissers I've ever kissed! (Why yes, I'm from southern Appalachia….how'd you guess?)
Hooray! There is a Kenlayne clause {work with me here, people)! A hearty, walloping, free-range-buffalo-meatloaf of a poem just in the nick of time. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY ________________ to Wonketteers and theirs everywheres!!!!!1
Cool,Have a great silly season!
Season's Greetings to all wonketteers! I love lurking here and reading your comments. This place certainly puts a smile on my face and given me many hearty laughs. Stay safe, enjoy your family and friends.
Will do,and may you have a happy New year !
@Devilette Come with us next Halloween and set bags of poop on fire on peoples' porches. Really.
You know those packets of Reindeer Turds they sell in gift shops this time of year? I'm going to get some snack-size ziplock bags and half-fill them with chocolate sauce, raisinettes, and marshmallow fluff, print out some "Santorum 2012" labels, and give them to my conservative acquaintances.
Peace, love, and dick jokes to all my Wonkish comrades!
Conservative butt monkeys,Teabaggers are dick jokes.
Austin has dispensers for bags to place dog shit in on certain streets beloved by dog-walkers. I always try to grab a handful, fill them with coffee grounds or something and place them on cars with wingtard bumper stickers.
And I miss those 'I'm changing the climate–Ask me how!' bumper stickers that were so great to place on Humvees and Escalades!
Save me two packs,going to a Romney pac meeting .
Don't forget the ketchup.
I don't know who this Felix Navidavid is & have never understood why he gets so many shout-outs around Christmastime.
"…Don we now our KKK apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la…"
GOP dress code sorry.White sheets.
More special garments? I thought Ugly Sweaters were the dress code for the day. Damn, why don't I get the memos?
Well, the KKK robes have become more colorful in recent years. (Just google it, I'm too lazy to post pics…now they have green, red and etc. robes) Apparently, it has something to due with "rank" or whatever that most people don't give a shit about.
Ken, Ken, Ken–I love it, but fix the meter. Too many toddies before 5 screws up my rhyming ability also. In fact, when I drink, I fancy myself a great wit, but I am only half right.
I only drink to kill he pain !
Iambic Pentameter Libel.
Well, yeah, but FUCK IAMBS anyhow.
And best wishes to you and your family (including deployed son) for the holidays.
Thanks, he is Stateside, being debriefed, will be home w/family tomorrow. The same to you, and thanks, again.
Fucking delighted to hear that. Even home for Xmas, way cool.
Thanks!
Right, they make crappy dog food.
WTF? is that suppose to mean?
Actually, being a Wonkette comment, meaning is not required, although a rather obtuse literary reference was intended, along with a throwback to Palin's heyday. Really a rather lame effort at humor on my part, wholly in character for me.
Lascaux, are you the one who got me hooked on that Hendrick's gin? Or was it Prommie? I used to be happy swilling Gilbey's or would maybe treat myself to Bombay once in a while, but no more — now if it doesn't cost $30/liter and taste like dandelions, I can't drink it.
Not to toot my own horn, but I think I broke the news to you about Hendricks Gin. Stuff is amazing, and Costco sells the big bottles sometimes if you're lucky.
Cheers!
Thank you, snackypants! What a great gift it’s been.
mmmmm gin, it's Tanqueray for me. Did you know that Scotch (pun not intended) tape smells just like Tanqueray gin? Check it out sometime.
Tell her, "All of 'em, Katie" and when she delivers all of the single malts, take the one you really must have and then share the rest with us. Tongues hanging out…
Merry Wonkettemas to all who frequent this place and help us survive these times that try the souls of men and women. Couldn't survive without you 'cause snark makes the world go round, along with the occasional serious stuff, like Ken's poetry.
Ken's poetry is better than a GOP tweet!
Reagan always has, and always will, remind me of George Carlin's question, "If a really stupid person goes senile, how can you tell?'
How can you tell? The Republican Party will nominate that stupid fuck !
Un. You remember that woman that used to have the daughter that used to go to our church? You remember, she was blonde and had the red Subaru? The daugher played the piano. Oh, what's her name.
I have a question I'm hoping some wonketteer can answer. Over at this link at the la times http://www.latimes.com/news/politics/la-pn-in-90s...
Is this gem from Ron Paul's newsletters: "The federal-homosexual cover-up on AIDS (my training as a physician helps me see through this one.)"
Anyone can explain this in not drooling insane English? I'm curious.
Actually, I trust Wonketteers more. That's why I'm asking here.
I love you guys, and hope you're all having a great whatever . . . party . . . thing.
We are — the party's great. Didn't you get your invite?
Ron Paul is a loon ! Crazy Republicans do not have to make sense!They're people would not notice any how.
Physicians are trained to see through conspiracies and coverups, which is why none of them invested their savings with Bernie Madoff. You'll also note that they never believe doubtful claims made by pharmaceutical companies. Identifying federal-homosexual plots is child's play for them.
Light the tree, spike the nog and serve on up that solstice hog.
Happy holidays, assholes.
C'mon Ken, you know I've been drinkin' since the sun was over the yardarm, and that was many, many hours ago. Cheers, and Happy Holidays!
Baby Jesus says Ken Layne makes it all worthwhile, almost.
I did a dramatic reading of this at several holiday parties and it went over so well. Epic! I love it.
Are those the ingredients for cigarettes or for Twinkies?
I don't smoke, drink heavily, and eat fried oreos for my health. I do it because, like the honey badger, I don't give a shit.
Where's the santorum?
No wonder I liked them so much!
Thanks stupid, thanks for the recipes, see ya later.
Bacon IS good, in fact, it's BETTER than good.
Every several months I'll spring for a Macanudo Duke of Devon or similar. I enjoyed cigars back before they became so popular and so expensive. And I want something special to drink with them, an Appleton rum or Booker Noe bourbon. My present finances will allow only a Swisher Sweet with a Pearl beer, thus I decline.
Mmmmm, Swish-er Sweeeeets. They make great gnat and mosquito repellant – just smoke up a storm and build up a cloud around your head to keep them away. But even the gnats wouldn't make me touch a Pearl.
One good thing about going to foreign countries is that you can get Cuban cigars at any tabak or newstand. But as long as the offspring of erstwhile Havana whorehouse owners run the politics in Florida, and as long as you have to win Florida to be president, we'll keep that awful demonic Fidel Castro bottled up, for FREEDOM!
The first — and last — time that I checked into a Days Inn was exactly 22 years ago this week.
I checked out in handcuffs.
Manger is the French word for the verb "to eat".
The "Upper Room" is the English term used for the site of the Last Supper.
Jesus Christ never stood a chance…
My imagination has a choice of two plot lines for what led up to the handcuffs. Do I want to know the truth?
I would happily pay the extortion fee to Ticketmaster to see that show. Consider it, won't you? For all of Wonkettedom. I've got musical skills to contribute at Wal-Mart non-union scale.
If not, I agree with our biblical scholar (like that's hard) that you two do deserve the Upper Room. It's what? 10-20 feet closer to the mile high club — a joke Jeebus, in all his infinite wisdom, would not get.
Either way my Satan Claws friend, enjoy the solstice celebration.
Temp? May I call you Temp? We should start with improv.
….which was the style at the time.
Please please please tell me that those musical skills include bitchin' theremin solos, Radio.
I blow a pretty mean mouth organ, and if Barb's willing to bust out the ol' squeeze box, we could totally rawk the Upper Deck nose bleed-seats' fucking faces off!
Happy Hell-O-Days, heathen, and Merry X-Raymas, too!
You most certainly may, Bar.
(May I call you "Bar"? As in, "Your comments really raise the you around here."? Cool!)
Improv is a swell idea. And if we manage to find a little 'e', we could even improve.
(*groan*)
Apologies and warm wishes, First Lady!
~Temp
Yes, you may call me anything you wish.
When Ken was looking for a writer I said that you should be the one and the only one. I placed a large wager on it. I was positive it was you.
Oh, and about the "bar" I don't think I am clever or anything close. It's intimidating around here because so many of you are so intelligent and remarkably witty. I think some people just feel comfortable responding to me. It's no superpower on my part. People like to belong in a conversation.
Me too Barb, I was under the happy delusion for a while that extem was Wonkette, Jr., but Zeus bless the little guy/person, the infinite wit was just not there. Of course, we'll take what we can get.
hahaha, hohoho my convergent evolutionary comrade.
If you've never seen this masterpiece, consider it as a solstice gift. I'm sure your sweet twisted mind will appreciate this documentary extraordinaire.
Or, for a quick appreciation , enjoy this.
Don't drink the yellow egg nog.
Dad?!
Fuuuck…
Umm, what day is it?
I don't even…wait…ohhh shit…
What fucking year is it?
Last I remember, I was holed-up in my hobo hovel naked and alone, "festively" finishing off a lukewarm limited edition 7-Eleven® Super Big Gulp® Electric Melon® MD 20/20®-and-tears-spiked yellow egg nog advent calendar while the heterodyne tones of world renowned multi-instrumentalist theremin virtuoso, best friend's former bandmate, and Wonkette-esque witty Wisconsonian web diary writer dude Geoff Brady droned and whined and ebbed and flowed yuletardedly from a half-dozen duct taped, daisy chained, stocking stuffing Fisher-Price® headphones hung by the fire with great carelessness.
Everything after that is a total fucking blur.
All I know is that I'm still holed-up in my hobo hovel naked and alone, so I must not have missed much, right?
Right?!
Actually, Radio, ya know what? Don't answer that…
Very, very sorry for not replying sooner, Bar, but I've been away.*
There are a few things that I wish to say in regards to your kind comments, but to do so properly, I'll have to wait until I have a bit more time/hooch.
Until then, I raise a self-defacing toast to your self-effacing conversational skills, and promise to say more soon.
*[On location directing a historically accurate-ish six-hour documentary slideshow exploring the turn-of-the-century Malaysian deaf-mute midget immigrant bukkake death cults of civil war-torn Bora Bora.]
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