war on solstice

Happy Winter Solstice, Third Night of Hanukkah, Etc.!

We have failed to provide the usual amount of tangential holiday nonsense this week, and for that we Truly Apologize, sort of. Here’s a quick post to wish you all a very happy third “magic olive oil” night of Hanukkah, plus a very merry “death of the sun” Winter Solstice Night. Here are a few video choices to make your season merry and whatnot!

Haha, sorry!

Haha, what?

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  • Barb

    Eric Cantor can spin my dreidel. By "spin" I mean "suck" and "dreidel" I mean "dick"

    • Steverino247

      And just WHERE did you get one of THOSE, young lady?

      • Barb

        If you are on Santa's "naughty" list you will have many. Oh, you mean the dreidel? I got it at Goys R Us.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Maybe "Barb" isn't short for Barbara.

        • Barb

          Well, it must be short for hermaphrodite, because I'm still going to have Miss Mookie yanked on Feb 8th.

    • Nothingisamiss

      No wonder you're so popular.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Then your "barb" really is a pointy thing on your body! (Suddenly I'm thinking of several pointy things on a woman's body.)

      Eric Cantor should be good at spinning — listen to him talk up the Go-Pee agenda. Also should be good at sucking — he's a Repubican and they all suck.

  • AlterNewt

    Comment pending.

    • Extemporanus

      Reply pending.

      • Barb

        Patent pending.

        • Extemporanus

          Results pending.

          • poncho_pilot

            gender pending.

          • Doktor Zoom

            Pants pending

          • Extemporanus

            Ex pending.

          • paris biltong

            Anus temporarily pending

          • SorosBot

            This comment has been deleted by the user

          • Chichikovovich

            Deletion pending.

          • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

            SORRY. You've already voted on that comment.

          • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

            Deep ending.

    • ttommyunger

      Depending.

      • Extemporanus

        'P'-ending.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          Congressional spending – aka Boehner blows Harry

          • AlterNewt

            "Comment pending" was in reference to the dearth of posts on Thursday.

            That being said, which is worse? Being attacked by O'Reilly or being defended by O'Reilly?

          • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

            Oh being defended. If he's attacking you, then obvs you're on the proper path. If he's defending you, you'd have to start poking and kicking your position to see where your thinking went awry.

  • Extemporanus

    JEWS DID WINTER SOLSTUS!!1

    • Chichikovovich

      The Jews kidnapped Persephone!

  • mavenmaven

    I know there needs to be some kind of joke about eating latkes and not Weiner…

  • BarackMyWorld

    Didn't Anthony Weiner's wife finally have her baby? It's a Hanukkah miracle….that they're still together.

    I'm a little worried about him posting baby pictures online, though.

    A Muslim and a Jew had a kid together this close to Christmas! Fox News outrage in 3, 2, 1….

    • SayItWithWookies

      They probably didn't even give thanks to Jesus.

    • http://www.wonkette.com BelleSC

      They named him Jordan but I think I read somewhere that his nickname is Hot Dog. I could be wrong.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Weiner: "I can't say for sure that's a photo of my baby."

  • Biff

    First they came for the Jews…
    Whut?

    • Chichikovovich

      …And I said nothing, because that Mel Gibson movie said they killed Jesus.
      And then they came for the Muslims, and I said nothing because… well, duh!!
      And then they came for the Atheists, and I said nothing because I was too breathless from helping to push them into the plane to Gitmo.
      And then they came for the gays, and I said nothing because they wrecked Amy Koch's marriage.

      But then they came to pass a law preventing good, moral Christian kids from beating the crap out of other kids they believed to be gay.
      See! See! Christians are the really persecuted ones in this society!

    • Steverino247

      Been there, done that.

  • littlebigdaddy

    So, I'm going to circumcise myself and eat a latke.

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      I'd join you but I'm not quite drunk enough. And don't know any women named Latke.

  • Barb

    Please, do NOT circumcise yourself! Imagine the bleeding and how you are going to explain that shit at the emergency room:
    1. I was whittling in the dark….
    2. My wife was trying to cut the tags off my PJ's, while drunk.
    3. A game of "got your nose" gone horribly awry"

    • SorosBot

      Plus, it's kind of hard to do if you, like most American men, have already been circumcised, against your will, as a baby.

      • finallyhappy

        Actually, if you convert to Judaism(and maybe Islam too), you are recircumcised – just enoough for one drop of blood. really!

    • DaRooster

      Don't forget the…
      Well you see doc, my neighbors wife stopped by…

      … and then my wife came home and…

      … here I am.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      4. I was field testing my new invention, the Smegmatron 4000….

    • LesBontemps

      Hey, Father Abraham was 99 when he circumcised himself. Whaddaya mean, senile dementia?

  • Radiotherapy

    Worst. Jerky. Boys. Evah.

  • Radiotherapy

    Why doesn't anybody respect the sacred high holiday of Kwanza? Why??!? Bro-Libel??

    • Extemporanus

      BLOODS LIBEL!

      • Radiotherapy

        Don't be Crippin' my Style, yo!

    • Biff

      He-bro libel!

  • mavenmaven

    While we're talking about Latkas, here is the greatest of all of them, oddly echoing Rick Perry's debating style http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmZAxRH3Ibs

  • SheriffRoscoe

    To anyone who is still confused, Jesus was born in the springtime. The midwinter solstice is the time for celebrating consumerism…..and it's a lot of fun!

    • paris biltong

      "Noel" probably comes from the Latin word for "birth" but probably referred originally to the rebirth of the sun rather than the birth Jesus. As for "Yule" it seems to be derived from words meaning "yell" or "jolly". So just be happy the days are again getting longer.

    • Biff

      I know, because baby sheeps.

    • Geminisunmars

      That means, gasp, that Hayzeus was born AND died in the spring. This must mean something.

      • yyyaz

        And anytime you feel the pain, Hayzeus, refrain,
        Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.

  • MosesInvests

    To all my fellow MOTs on Wonkette-Happy Hanukkah! To everyone else, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Diwali, God Jul, Happy Festivus! And to Bill-O and the rest of the Fox and Fiends, Happy Holidays!

    • finallyhappy

      Diwali was a while ago but It has the best food. I like my latkes and jelly donuts(sufganiyot for purists) and my peppermint hot chocolate and gingerbread but you can't beat a masala dosa, a mango lassi and some payasam(ok, gulub jaman -if that is your choice).

      whoa- sounds like a fighter jet went over my house!(I am in close in MD suburbs)- usually, we get warnings for this stuff.

    • GOPCrusher

      To our druid friends, Happy Saturnalia!

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Remember kids, if Saturn is your dad, time to hit the road before he gets the munchies!

  • sbj1964

    Why do Jewish women prefer a circumcised member? 10% off it's a sale!

  • sbj1964

    Hanukkah,The lamp has to burn for eight days.We only have enough oil for one day.It burned for 8 days.A miracle,or is it just a myth all Jews are good at math?

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      I like Hanukkah. Around the longest night of the year (North Hemisphere edition), we light more candles each night to bring back the light. It's nice.

      Christmas attempts similar symbolism, but with Jebus being the light bringer. Nice try Xtians, but we like a our light to be physical, not metaphysical.

      • http://www.wonkette.com sunmusing

        I'm not Jewish, but I really like Hanukkah, and the lighting of the candles. Soooo, I thought I would do a little crossover and put candles on my xmas tree. I now have the family trained to wait for the curtains to catch fire, BEFORE calling the fire dept. Merry Merrrry holidaz to all the wookies who have made my depressing year a little less depressing.

    • finallyhappy

      definitely a myth in this family!

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Burning for 8 days–> penicillin

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Notice, there is no Asian Hannukah.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Solstice is coming, the tofu's getting fat
    Please to put a gift card in a hipster's hat —
    If you haven't got a gift card,
    An EZPass will do
    If you haven't got an EZPass
    I'll take Mastercard, too.

    • finallyhappy

      Chanukah is coming, Make those latkes soon
      Put them in the oil with a great big spoon
      If you don't like applesauce
      Sour cream will do
      If you don't like either
      Are you sure that you're a Jew?

  • CliveWarren

    Hey Lord-y,
    It's your birthday,
    We gonna party like it's your birthday,
    We gonna sip Bacardi like it's your birthday,
    And you know we don't give a fuck it's not your birthday.

  • ttommyunger

    Nothing like Bill-0 to give one a dose of the Christmas Spirit; if, by Christmas Spirit, you mean cranky, egotistical assholery.

  • freakishlywrong

    Happy Hollydaze, bitches! I love my pretend internet friends, one and all!

    • Barrelhse

      Thank you, although we're only too real.

  • HistoriCat

    We have failed to provide the usual amount of tangential holiday nonsense this week, and for that we Truly Apologize, sort of.

    We'll let it go this time Junior but now you're on probation!

  • Numbat_Dundee

    SUMMER SOLSTICE back at you you northern hemisphere chauvinists. Think of us as we try to cook roast turkey in the middle of an Australian summer with only a handy beach to wash off the grease.

    • Numbat_Dundee

      PS. Was that holiday nonsense tangential enough?

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        Alright, mate. I see you've played knifey-spooney before.

    • Biff

      Wish I could trade, so jealous!

    • GOPCrusher

      HA! Your toilets flush backwards.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Chests 'n' nuts roasting on an open beach.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Happy fucking holidays, y'all.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Things were pretty bad when I was a kid…we called it the Season of Plights.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Yeah, it was the same in my family. Our oil ran out 15 minutes into the first night. And our "gelt" was Alka-Seltzers wrapped in aluminum foil.

      • Geminisunmars

        We made our latkes using stale matzohs from Passover.

  • Steverino247

    Happy Festival of Retail! Many happy returns (of shitty gifts for stuff you really want)!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Mazel tov, Jr., and a Happy Hanukkah to all, and to all a good snark.

  • Guppy

    With all this commercialism and competition between holidays and faiths, it's easy to forget the true meaning of Hanukkah: fuck the Greeks.

    I'll be showing my support for this by avoiding gymnasiums for the duration.

    • Chichikovovich

      No doubt out of sincere remorse for the horrors of the German past, Angela Merkel is stepping up to celebrate Hanukkah in a big way.

    • Guppy

      On a similar note, we should also keep in mind the universal message of the Christmas narrative: fuck the Census.

      • SorosBot

        And here I thought the universal message of the Christmas narrative was: if you get pregnant while cheating on your husband in a way that he knows he couldn't possibly be the father, tell him god did it; he'll believe it.

        • Guppy

          Nah, that's more for the Annunciation holiday back in March (where the true meaning may be "fuck divorce lawyers," but it will require further meditation). Catholics (et al) may find some extra meaning in Mary's miraculous hymen that survived even childbirth, but ultimately all the bullshit of sleeping in a barn and hiding from a genocidal king wouldn't have happened if it weren't for those damned census takers.

          It's similar to the true meaning of Easter, where things were fine until the arrest at Gethsemane: "fuck da police."

    • Biff

      My gym is the only place I can go where I'm not overwhelmed by all that Xmassy crap. Also, chicks.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    I look forward to January 6, and the celebration of the ceremonial birthday of Emperor Haile Selassie I.

    We usually just eat left-overs and maybe go for a walk if it's nice out.

    • SorosBot

      It's got to be very weird to discover that a bunch of people on the other side of the world think you're god and are worshiping you.

      • user-of-owls

        …if by "other side of the world" you mean right here on Wonkett.

    • Chichikovovich

      No reefer madness? How can you celebrate Haile Selassie without that?
      Kids these days just have no respect for religion.

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        (Psst! That wreath isn't really Fraser fir. And the Yule Log? Look again.)

        • Chichikovovich

          OK, but my Festivus pole is a 100% real pole.

          • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

            Man, you are frum. I mean, really old shul.

    • flamingpdog

      How do they celebrate it in Ethiopia? I didn't think they had any left-overs there.

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        Yeah, it's usually too hot to go for a stroll, too.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    I like the part in the "O'Reilly" video where the narrator says "in a real display of fair and balanced reporting". That's the headline: Fox did something fair and balanced.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I like how Jewish correspondent/news host guy in the top video would not say the word "Christmas," only "Ex-mas." That's pretty good.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Maybe his bubbe will give him a Christ-Box for Hanukkah.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    My favorite Kwanzaa principles are Ujima and Ujama: Collective Work and Responsibility, and Cooperative Economics.

    I would like to hear a discussion of this at the next Republican debate. Or alternatively, I would like to hear Newt Gingrich's suggestions for the principles Black Americans should really be promoting. Maybe "Janitorial Skills" could be one.

    Kwanzaa yenu iwe na heri!

    • user-of-owls

      A very sincere wish for peace and happiness, brother zvi.

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        And with thy spirit, my friend.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Fucking Phil Hendrie. I remember the first time I heard one of his shows, the "guest" was one "Rudy Canoza," who was telling Phil that the employment problem in the US would be solved if women would just stay home and let the men work. Men should tell their wives "Montè mè è gruños," which he said translates to "Stay home and keep warm my hearth." I thought to myself, "No, that means 'Mount me and growl.'" Then Rudy said the men should keep their womenfolk happy in the home by going down on them regularly ("You should be practicing the technique of La La La La LAH"). I couldn't believe what the fuck I was hearing. I listened the next night and he had some guy on that said motorists should pour oil on their tires during rain events, since oil and water repel it would make driving in the rain much safer. I finally figured out that all the guests were actually Phil, but he did manage to fish in some calls from outraged listeners who didn't get that the whole show was a gag. Funny fucking guy.

    • SorosBot

      Well he's right about one thing – men should go down on their womenfolk regularly; not just because it makes them happy, but because it's fun.. Otherwise fuck him.

  • Sue4466

    The best part is the guy talking about "Henikah" who thinks using "Jewish" is insulting or not politically correct.

  • SorosBot

    I'm just hoping someone will show up soon today – come on, it's the last day of work before a long weekend when most of us will be stuck with our families!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I've been designated by the boss, who is on leave, as acting section chief today, in case anything needs signing. I've looked around, and the only person from my section that's here is… me. Sure wish I had brought my heroin to work with me.

      • Steverino247

        Picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue, too?

      • SorosBot

        It 11:30 and still nothing; here we are now, entertain us!

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    If these Druids could add some retro touches to their religion – like re introducing sacrificing of virgins, they could be on to something.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I'm shocked, SHOCKED, that Wonkette didn't do the GOP Christmas calendar…SHOCKED, I TELLS YA!

    PS Bring sunglasses. No, welding shields. No! Paint your eyeballs with tar!

    • Geminisunmars

      It was all very amusing until I got to Rick Perry. That was LOL-worthy.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Oh. And for my friends and fellow travelers on Wonkette….

    Falalala, la, la, bite me.

    Merry happy, all!

  • BornInATrailer

    Wait, there are a whole pile of Lovecraftian Christmas songs???

    WHY AM I ONLY FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS NOW?

  • SexySmurf

    I would like to take this opportunity to inform everyone there is one, and only one, good Christmas song–which, of course, is never played at Christmas time–and that song is "River" by Joni Mitchell. And anyone who disagrees can kiss me in my bathing-suit area.

    • SorosBot

      There are a few other tolerable Christmas songs – The Kinks' Father Christmas, The Waitresses' Christmas Wrapping, The Pogues' Fairytale of New York, Weird Al's Christmas at Ground Zero and The Night Santa Went Crazy, and Bruce Springsteen's version of Santa Claus is Coming to Town. And that is all.

      • Biff

        Or pretty much any holiday song deemed worthy of Dr. Demento.
        At the gym yesterday, I heard what sounded like AC/DC doing some Xmas song or another. Coulda been a parody, I don't care enough to look it up.

    • chascates

      I'll add the singing reindeer:
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ooc5eJc5SHA

    • BigDumbRedDog

      No, no, no. That's not a Christmas song. That's just a song that happens to mention Christmas. And if I have to kiss your bathing suit area for saying so, then so be it.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Is Amy Koch going to be leering at us for the next several days, he wondered.

    (Nervously!)
    ~

    • GOPCrusher

      Mr. Koch probably asks the same thing.

    • Geminisunmars

      Instead of coal in your stocking, that is what you get for Xmess.

  • chascates

    And in the spirit of the holidays here's Son of Erick celebrating the death of Christopher Hitchens:
    What good is found in understanding a world that holds no mystery, no beauty, and nary the promise of a beneficent coda? To Christopher Hitchens, and the hard-core, militant atheists of his ilk, little in life is worthy of celebration. When there is no light, they cannot enlighten; but only mock instead. The political leaders who grow steeped in their nihilistic philosophies; through enstupidating maleducation, predictably spew this bile at those who cling bitterly to their Bibles and guns.
    To hear Barack Obama’s poisonous contempt for simple, but honest people like Joe the Plumber, is to see whole-cloth the moral desolation wrought by men who think and believe like Christopher Hitchens. Hitchens attempted to destroy the meaning of life for billions of human beings groping as best they could through the terrors of our harsh mortal coil. He saw nothing to celebrate in life, therefore I see nothing much to celebrate in his existence. He did do us one favor at last. Merry Christmas, Mr. Hitchens!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'd like to send that guy one of those "caganer" things, but instead of Sarah Palin I'd want the figure to be Jesus Christ. Fuck that motherfucker.

    • SexySmurf

      "Good" "Christians" like Erick the Red have done more to promote Atheism than Christopher Hitchens ever could.

    • MosesInvests

      "Simple, but honest" Joe (not his real name) the (not actually a) Plumber? Really?

    • SayItWithWookies

      To Erickson it's vile and nihilistic to love the world as it is, whereas it's honest and simple to make up a whole bunch of stuff and hope it's real in order to get through the day. Impressively, he carries that ethos into politics, economics, history, and every other part of life as well.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Fuck, it's almost noon over on the east coast. Looks like this might be our "weekend post" right here. Ugh.

    • chascates

      Yes, I fear there's trouble in Wonkette-land.

  • Limeylizzie

    We have our Krishnamas Feast and present-giving tonight, due to our family being comprised of lapsed Catholics, Jews, Pagans, Wiccans, Hindus and atheists, several years ago we decided to forgo a traditional celebration and now we eat Indian food and decorate a huge whirli-gig that is an oil derrick with two men operating a saw atop it, it's folk-art similar to this… http://www.narrowlarry.com/nlvollis.html
    So, Happy Krishnamas to all my imaginary Wonkette friends, I love all of you, ok some more than others!

    • chascates

      I hope you've ditched the flu but keep drinking much alcohol just in case!

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Love you too, LL. Namaste, and Marishka Hargitay!

    • user-of-owls

      Same here…Owls' Annual Food Pellet Fiesta tonight! Smaller 'family', menu varies (tonight it's pistachio/pear/softshell crab salad, vichyssoise, port stew and Irish scones and a tamarind cheesecake….oh, and since I'm stumped on appetizers, I'm gonna have the couples, 3 plus us, scavenge the kitchen and come up with an appetizer from whatever they find; I'll cook, 15 minutes from say to table, can't be something 'as is.')
      One of the ex's told me the only thing she regretted about the divorce was that she lost her seat at the table. ;) Wishing you and yours a fabulous, memorable Feast!
      With love as always, old thing. What's that? Is that mistletoe above your head you precious scamp? I do believe it is!

      • Limeylizzie

        That's not my head, you fool.

  • DahBoner

    Needz 3 French hens!

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    I'm just going say Merry Christmas, because I assume you're all Christians. What else is there?

  • SorosBot

    Also, to our demonic friends, have a happy feast of Gurenthar's Ascendance!

    • Extemporanus
  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    All I want for Christmas is, well to be frank, the opportunity to just waterboard the hell out of Marion "Pat" Robertson with macaroni-&-cheese… and I suppose to see my wonkett rescued from being taken over by freakin' AMWAY™, wth?.. Meh, I guess it wouldn't be a Xmas 'miracle' without its corresponding Xmas purgative.

  • Tamaranorbust

    Thanks Wonkette, for your plug to my solstice post on my blog, 'Histories of Things to Come' http://historiesofthingstocome.blogspot.com/

    I really appreciate it! Cheers, ToB

  • http://www.wonkette.com BelleSC

    Well, I can think of one good reason to be here together and celebrate today.

    IT"S MY BIRTHDAY!

    Thank you all in advance for your kind words. Not necessary really. Just don't ever wrap my birthday present in holiday paper.

    TYVM

    • Fukui_Jong-un

      Happy birthday!

      My gift to you is the mental image of Dick Cheney dressed as little bo peep being set on fire.

      • http://www.wonkette.com BelleSC

        How'd you KNOW? That's perfect for me!

  • Bluestatelibel

    Happy Holidays to all, and may we all sleep tonight with visions of half-humanoid fish monsters dancing in our heads!

    • GOPCrusher

      The Creature From The Black Lagoon is a holiday classic!

  • chascates

    The 12 Lies of Christmas
    (Sung to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas")

    On the first day of Christmas
    Republicans told me
    Obama's born in another country.

    On the second day of Christmas
    Republicans told me
    Gay marriage is like box turtle love and
    Obama's born in another country

    On the third day of Christmas
    Republicans told me
    Thank the one percent
    Gay marriage is like box turtle love and
    Obama's born in another country

    more at: http://crooksandliars.com/jon-perr/twelve-lies-of

  • BigDumbRedDog

    May Jesus Claus bless you and keep you all on this most holy of all the capitalist holidays. May all of your credit card limits be high and all of your egg nogs be alcoholic. Amen.