pray to jesus & santa!

World Eagerly Awaits Christmas Miracle of Dick Cheney’s Death

We wish us a merry Christmas, we wish us a merry Christmas!We don’t believe in an interventionist god, so today’s cheery eyewitness report of Dick Cheney being “enfeebled” at a death-war military contractor’s holiday cocktail ritual does not make us believe we’re all going to have a very merry Christmas. We must remember that Dick Cheney has been legally dead about a hundred times, and he is also not human. So why spoil the season by chanting wishes and invocations over each Chanukah candle or Christmas pie? So, take this New York Post report for what it’s worth: Dick Cheney made a grim-reaper appearance at (naturally) “a party to welcome Northrop Grumman CEO Wes Bush to DC at former George W. Bush adviser Bobbie Kilberg’s home in McLean, Va.” And it even startled the merchants of death who make up the Bush/Cheney Military-Industrial Murder Complex, because Cheney’s face was covered in an oxygen mask and he was too weak to stand.

As for George W. Bush and Dick Cheney’s defense contractor pals hanging around the blood punch, we can only assume they’re plotting the “War Against Iran” or whatever other country the cabal is going to attack next, with Obama’s milquetoast approval. But let’s stick to the festive part of this story, for now.

Truly it is a “memory for the season” to think of Cheney wheeled around like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet, with the gravediggers waiting outside and the sun ready to burst through the winter gloom in celebration.

But a “Cheney representative” sort of halfway denied the gossip, by saying that Cheney was supposedly spending Christmas in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, with his coven in their underground temple. So, it’s not really a denial at all, and Christmas isn’t here yet, so maybe Santa Claus and the Baby Jesus will give the Planet Earth a very special holiday present after all. God bless us, everyone! [New York Post]

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  • SorosBot

    He's more machine now than man; twisted and evil.

    • Beowoof

      Vader is hurt at such comparisons.

    • savethispatient

      Pretty sure it's the man part of him that's twisted and evil. The machine is his soft side.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      As Jon Stewart pointed out a while ago, it not as funny now that it is basically true.

    • spends2much

      Plus, my 4-slice toaster has more compassion for humans than Dick does.

    • johnedens

      Twisted and evil, sure, but don't blame that on the machine parts of him.

      I work with machines – most of them are pleasant and helpful. None are like Cheney.

    • GhostBuggy

      We can shut down the Internet, because Sorosbot just won it. Also because it's, you know, awful.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Obvs, there is no God.

    • V572 the Merciless

      There is but one God, and His name is Richard Cheney.

    • user-of-owls

      Clearly. There is, however, a Gronk. And He even has His own worship ritual!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I like these also (3rd and 4th pic down)

  • AlterNewt

    It's ALIVE!!

  • poncho_pilot

    Heineken? fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      beat me to it ~

      • poncho_pilot

        sorry. sometimes baby wants to fuck, you know? :)

    • plinkleton

      We gotta gotta gotta go see Darth!

      • poncho_pilot

        …a candy-colored clown they call the sandman tiptoes through my room every night…

  • BigDumbRedDog

    I will be praying to Jesus Claus for this man's death from now until the New Year.

    • HempDogbane

      Consider singing along to the Avetts' Die, Die, Die while you wait. If only they sang "He" instead of "She".

  • AnHarmonica

    Actually, I don't deserve to be the first to comment. This message will self destruct. See? See how trite I am?

    • gullywompr

      A self-fullfilling prophesy if there ever was one.

    • gullywompr

      Apologies for the incision, that fruit was just hanging way too low to pass by.

    • fuflans

      yeah, trite, but pretty cute.

  • gullywompr

    Has he picked his sucessor yet? Who will be "Little Dick?"

    • Terry

      His straight daughter.

    • nounverb911

      His un-straight daughter?

    • Nostrildamus

      Dick Cheney Un.

      • Not_So_Much

        Not evil enough. Liz would scare that baby-faced little pudgebucket into crying great communist tears of sadness without ever breaking a sweat.

  • FatalServerErrorFace

    In a hole with Michael Jackson in Wyoming? I approve.

    • HedonismBot

      Take it from me, a lifelong Wyoming resident: Wyoming is a hole. A beautiful, mountainous, very scenic hole, but a hole nonetheless.

      • LetUsBray

        The eastern half is flat and smells like cow poo. In short, it's the edge of the Midwest.

  • memzilla

    The Prime Architect of the destruction of the American Empire — his fate was sealed when we withdrew our troops from Iraq, leaving the toxic waste barrel containing his soul unguarded.

    That august pantheon of sociopath dictators whom hundreds of millions of people wished dead — Khaddafi, Mubarak, Saddam, Osama, L'il Kim, and (hopefully) Cheney… it's like G-d is having a clearance sale: Everything Must Go!

    • SorosBot

      Well Mubarak's still alive, just out of power. And Putin is still as strong as ever, having completed the Austinian feat of becoming effective dictator for life while still keeping his country a nominal democracy.

      • memzilla

        I'm conflicted between wanting to see Cheney die Khaddafi's death: pulled out of a sewer pipe and executed — or Mussolini's death: executed and hung up by his heels in a public square.

        Can we have both?

        • GOPCrusher

          Cheney pulled out of a sewer pipe, hung up by his heels, and executed.
          Kinky. I like it.

      • Negropolis

        Honestly, I'd be surprised if Putin holds on when all is said in done. Unlike his ability to keep competition out by legally barring competition; he's going to have to actually stuff ballot boxes, this times, if he wants to come out the winner.

        • yyyaz

          What? No Diebold franchise in the motherland?

      • tessiee

        "the Austinian feat of becoming effective dictator for life while still keeping his country a nominal democracy"

        "Austinian" as in Texas, or "Austinian" as in Powers?

        • SorosBot

          "Austinian" as in "I meant to type Augustinian (as in relating to the Emperor), had a brain fart and got replies before I could edit".

    • plinkleton

      or it could be mossad doing some clearance

  • SorosBot

    And Wonkette, good morning one o'clock in the afternoon!

    • V572 the Merciless

      Holiday schedule at Wonkit HQ, apparently. Don't they know we need more snark-fodder over the holidays? What am I supposed to do — talk to my family?

      • SorosBot

        Or work?

        • V572 the Merciless

          Gave that up when I discovered Wonkette.

      • Blueb4sunrise

        ewwwwwwwwwwww.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      You know who never let this sort of thing happen? Lauri Apple. Its too bad she's working for Sata,,,, ohhh wait, wha, she needs a job?

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      I would pay munies for the early morning iron fist in a velvet glove snark of Sara K Smith.

      • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

        Or a lovingly abusive essay from the other good Sara, Sara Benincasa.
        (I hope she is doing well in this holiday season.)

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

      BRING BACK JACK STUEF, also too. He always did have the best warblogs.

      Plus, then, you don't really need to create additional content.

      • Trinket

        Word. I miss Jack.

  • Fukui_Jong-un

    I have it on good authority that he doesn't use an oxygen bottle. No, that cylinder is filled with the last breaths of dying children.

    • flamingpdog

      Depleted uranium-enhanced last breaths of dying Iraqi children. It's the radioactivity that keeps him alive.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      And there sweet, sweet tears.

      • tessiee

        Their fear makes them taste extra good.

        • Fukui_Jong-un

          It's his sustenance.

  • RadioYKWE

    See if that SDI missile defense system saves you now you jaundiced dick.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Is it wrong of me to admit that watching this scabrous ancient fuck draw his last gasping breath would give me serious bonerjuice?

      • RadioYKWE

        Except, of course, as someone else mentioned, don't watch the inevitable teevee homage. Dreck like, MSNBC's Cheney: Premier American.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          No haz tee vee.

          • RadioYKWE

            Well then, add one more level of respect and may I recommend sitting on a towel?

  • littlebigdaddy

    I feel a disturbance in the force!

    • Beowoof

      An usual distrubance though, it is as if a ray light of light has broken through, and a great weight lifted.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Dear Satan: I know sleeping arrangements can get crowded during the holidays, especially with unexpected guests like that North Korean guy arriving, but can't you make room for just one more?

  • DaRooster

    WAIT- He has to go to court for war crimes first!!

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Really…even if that have to roll that fucker in on a gurney and hooked up to life support.

      • Negropolis

        If it's good enough to Slobodan, it's good enough for Cheney.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Judge – Mr. Cheney for your crimes you are sentenced to death!

      Cheney – You idiot, I'm already dying.

      Judge – We know, we just really like saying that.

      • GOPCrusher

        It's funnier when you hear Dick Cheney's response in the voice of The Penguin.

        • DaRooster

          "Mah mah… Fuck you. I'm already dying… Mah Mah Mah…"

    • Beowoof

      He is pulling a Ken Lay and trying to sneak out before it happens.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Don't hold your breath!
      (I wish he would, though.)

  • mourningnmerica

    Die, dick.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      see Dick die, Die Dick DIE!

  • chicken_thief

    "…Cheney’s face was covered in an oxygen mask and he was too weak to stand. "

    Or the man was doing killer gas mask bong hits and too loaded to stand. Later in the party it was reported that he started drunkenly screaming "where's my shotgun?! Bring me my shotgun! I think I see Harry Whittington!!!"

  • Allmighty_Manos

    How can something w/o a heart die?

    • BigDumbRedDog

      Or a soul?

    • gullywompr

      Interesting quandry for the attending physician who has to call it, ain't it?

    • SorosBot

      Fire, direct sunlight or a stake through the heart.

      • Biff

        Fire works for me.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Saw off his head and bury the whole think at a crossroads with a clove of garlic in his mouth and a sprig of holly through the gap where his heart used to be.

        • tessiee

          I've heard that one drop of Keith Richards' blood will kill anything.

          • Negropolis

            Which seems counterintuitive considering how long its kept him alive.

          • tessiee

            Upfisted solely for your use of the word "counterintuitive". Last time I visited my family of origin, I used it, and one of the… er-uh… less brainy… relatives chastised me for showing off and asked why I couldn't talk "like a normal person". Relatives can be such a delight, can't they?

    • freakishlywrong

      Or, really live?

    • Terry

      The fungus living in the grout in my bathroom tile work has no heart but lives. I usually can take care of it with a good dose of bleach.

    • Negropolis

      Oh, you'll get to see soon enough.

  • chascates

    You don't know the power of the dark side!

  • DaRooster

    "…Cheney was supposedly spending Christmas in Jackson Hole…"

    I can think of a different Hole to send him to…

    • Biff

      Nooooo! The Devil's Hole Pupfish are endangered enough already!

      • Beowoof

        Well this Devil's Hole is available and I would love to see his ass rolled off the ledge into the Niagara River Gorge, Richard Widmark style.
        http://www.nysparks.com/parks/42/details.aspx http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHHJsXH3BiU The last 30 seconds of this video are my dream for Dick.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

        ZOMG, pupfish? That even SOUNDS kyoot.

        • Biff

          As opposed to, say, catfish, well, yeah.How's your knee?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

            Or dogfish, even.

            Holding up (sorry, I couldn't resist) pretty well, considering that it was bleeding like a stuck pig for a while there. I'm hooked to a machine that pumps ice water through it. Yick. Also, drugs.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Well, the sacrifice of the baby takes time. He will be right as rain afterwards.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      But how is babby madeformed?

      • Negropolis

        Well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much anr/or so wasted on spirited beverages that…

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          I weep for the old days when I could have looked forward to an hour-long diatribe on how the woman gets pragnut.

  • ThundercatHo

    I hear someone tried to land a plane on the road to hell so until they get the traffic jam cleared up he'll be with us.

    • prommie

      Hey, don't you talk shit about New Jersey!

  • MrsBiggTime

    When I was a kid, I asked Santa for a new bike. And I never got it. Santa better not be a dick this year, if he knows what's good for him.

  • RadioYKWE

    Obamacare is finally going to get some dick.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Jackson Hole isn't really a hole at all. It's about 100 miles up a mountain on the side of a cloud. You need to wear masks and such to breath air and a special hat to keep your head from imploding.

    • vtxmcrider

      Maybe, if we are extra extra lucky, Liz can be speeding down that mountain with Papa Dick in her car with severed brake lines.

    • fuflans

      i had a tryst in jackson hole once and the skiing sucked.

      that is all.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "think of Cheney wheeled around like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet, with the gravediggers waiting outside and the sun ready to burst through the winter gloom in celebration."

    I prefer to think of him in the situation of Arthur Digby Sellers (screenwriter for Branded, wrote the bulk of the series), stuck in an iron lung in a cheesy living room with an insane John Goodman grilling his lesbian daughter about her homework, for eternity.

    • Chichikovovich

      Oooh, that's a good one. Though there's also something to be said for the fate of Tony in Waugh's Handful of Dust – captured and reported dead by a blind jungle tyrant with an obsession with Dickens and no literate followers. Reported dead so no one will come looking for him. Then forced to read the Collected Works of Dickens aloud to said tyrant for all eternity. (And that means: including Little Dorrit, Hard Times, ….)

      • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

        Extremely creepy novel.

    • Terry

      No reason to over think this one.

      Just waterboard him for eternity. I've heard it's not really torture, so he'll be fine.

      • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

        Yeah, he calls it "dunking," so dunk away!

  • x111e7thst

    Big Dick an Little Kim, a better twofer even than the Swedish twins of my teenage fantasies.

  • Callyson

    Cheney was just there to check out the latest in weaponry. He's got a hunting trip scheduled for next month and wants to have the latest in firepower.

  • Chichikovovich

    I was a bit grumpy about how long this post was in coming, but how can I stay cranky with a cheerful message like this to read.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    Let us wait for a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Liquified. You know, like on True Blood, when a vampire gets staked.

  • pinkocommi

    I suspect Dick Cheney is holding on until the US bombs Iran and his mission here on Earth to declare war on the entire Muslim world is complete.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Kinda like when Warren Zevon announced his impending death, and said he hoped he lived long enough to see the next Bond film.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    I've said it before about Fred Phelps, but it applies to the pulseless one too: The grave desecration videos on YouTube will be EPIC.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      He'll be buried in an undisclosed location.

      • GOPCrusher

        Yeah. With President Paul abolishing the EPA, America does not need another SuperFund clean up site.

      • elviouslyqueer

        I'm envisioning a bin Laden-esque dumping of Cheney's bullet-ridden corpse off the side of a boat. And Merry Mission Accomplished Christmas to us all!

      • Rotundo_

        Unless it's on guarded private property, the ground he is buried in will be so marinated in urine that hog feeding operations will tremble in fear of the stank. They'd have to hide him pretty well.

      • Negropolis

        Buried? If only they were so foolish. They are going to cremate his evil ass to make sure he doesn't come back like a zombie (again).

    • Barrelhse

      Somehow, I can't picture too many people leaving a rose and a snifter of brandy at his gravesite.

    • MilwaukeeKent

      Eternal flames are good, pissing on an eternal flame and extinguishing it. But knowing Cheney, the son-of-a-bitch would have it electrified.

  • poncho_pilot

    wheel chair, huh?

    "Naturally, they would breed prodigiously, eh? There would be much time, and little to do. But ah with the proper breeding techniques and a ratio of say, ten females to each male, I would guess that they could then work their way back to the present gross national product within say, twenty years."

    • YasserArraFeck

      Dick is a Gross National Product

    • Chichikovovich

      You mentioned the ratio of ten women to each man. Now, wouldn't that necessitate the abandonment of the so called monogamous sexual relationship, I mean, as far as men were concerned?

      • poncho_pilot

        Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious… service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          I think I know what kind of "mineshaft" you guys have in mind.

          • poncho_pilot

            we must not have a mineshaft gap.

  • nounverb911

    I would prefer to see Cheney die in the Milosevic suite in The Hague.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      of The Plague.

      • GOPCrusher

        With Iraqi children poking at the suppurating buboes with pointed sticks!

        • Negropolis

          And with Lynndie England posing over his plight.

  • prommie

    It might be ok if he were to hang around a little longer; there are still WAY too many lawyers running around.

    • FakaktaSouth

      I plan to toast his wake for sure, however, is he suffering? He could do with a good suffering I think. Merry Merry!

      • prommie

        A coward dies a million deaths, they say, and he is a craven piece of shit, for sure. Happy Festivus to you. Which day of Festivus is the "drunken sex on top of the pile of coats on the guestroom bed" ritual?

        • FakaktaSouth

          And a Joyous Kwanzaa. All the celebrating is at my place this year, so I hope it's every day. Sullied coats and muffs for everyone! (why's my scarf all sticky, fuckers??)
          Hooray!

  • pinkocommi

    "Cheney’s face was covered in an oxygen mask and he was too weak to stand."

    That's what happens when "He Who Must Not Be Named" splits his soul a few too many times. Let's hope Obama has destroyed most of the Horcruxes by now. One of them was Osama Bin Laden.

    • ChernobylSoup

      Beat me to it.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Hey, all I said was Tr*g!

  • coolhandnuke

    Cheney's been legally dead 100 times. Each time he kicks it, he goes to Hell and hell if they want him, so they keep tossing him back to us. You just can't kill the Dick.

  • V572 the Merciless

    Northrop Grumman CEO Wes Bush at former Chimpy adviser Bobbie Kilberg’s lair in McLean, the Land of the Lobbyists. Sweet Jeebus on the cross, it couldn't be more obvious whose loyal servant Cheney really was, could it? Could we see the rest of the guest list too? Anybody from Haliburton, Lockheed Martin, Xe, etc? Or is it just naïve to ask?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If Ernst Stavro Cheney dies, who will run SPECTRE?

  • chascates

    You are unwise to lower your defenses!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    I'm not falling for that hurry-up-and-wait dupe, I'd feel like Sally when she ran at the Great Pumpkin only to find Linus had whisked it out from where her foot was supposed to send it airborne, the Red Baron would crash-land in the patch, and Snoopy would learn what a real [van] Pelt experience was all about.

    sorry — did you say there was blood in the punch?

    • prommie

      There was blood on the saddle.

      • vtxmcrider

        The blood was from Liz who was bouncing up and down on daddy's spiny appendage for her daily dose of Cheneyjizz. She needs it to survive.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    He'll just get another deferment from Satan. He's got experience doing that.

  • Extemporanus

    The only thing that really worries me is the oxygen.

    There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than Dick Cheney in the depths of an oxygen binge, and I knew he'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.

    • chascates

      Here's hoping Cheney sees the attacking flying bats soon enough!

      • Extemporanus

        "We can't invade here! This is bat country!"

    • prommie

      Is the engine starting spray thats labelled "Ether" the same ether that HST so described?

      • Chichikovovich

        This is the sort of question that should only be settled by empirical means.

        • Extemporanus
          • prommie

            Whats with all the little hittin' sticks down on the bottom shelf?

          • Extemporanus

            Them there are hand-whittled hobo dildos, bro.

            And let me tell ya, that little leather loop on the handle sure do come in handy! (So do some sandpaper…)

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    I'd prefer he die in a fire, but I'll take what I can get.

  • MissTaken

    “a party to welcome Northrop Grumman CEO Wes Bush to DC at former George W. Bush adviser Bobbie Kilberg’s home in McLean, Va.”

    Okay Xtian Fundies, THIS party is truly what a "War on Christmas" looks like.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    I, for one, actually prefer that Dick (Dick) Cheney live a long life as an invalid sucking oxygen and always wondering whether a paramilitary force from one of the better countries in the world is about to rappel down his walls, smash through the window and extradite his ass to the Hague.

    • Biff

      No. NO more wasting of our precious oxygen by this insufferable cunt.

  • Nostrildamus

    Slow asphixiation while desperately gasping for oxygen is a pretty bad way to die. But, given that public vivisection in the Hague seems unlikely, we should count our blessings.

  • ttommyunger

    As my dad used to tell me about a former neighbor: "Roger Cravens is too mean to die."

    • RadioYKWE

      That's the thing about Dick: he encapsulates every villain imaginable. The mean guy down the street, the warmonger, evil businessman, power hungry politician, Republican, monster that won't die, mean-spirited Reaganophlie, etc.

      • ttommyunger

        When you're right, you're right.

  • proudgrampa

    Coffin and funeral, or GTFO.

    • chascates

      Something like Kim Jong Il, in a glass case surrounded by dead flowers.

      • Nostrildamus

        flowers tarantulas

        • flamingpdog

          tarantulas predator drone dildos

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Think of all the windex the attendants would need to clean off the spit and shit lobbed by mourners.

      • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

        I would settle for a lead case and a hazmat team.

    • vtxmcrider

      Coffin and funeral? That is too human. Thrown into a landfill is more appropriate, now that the Repubs have emasculated the EPA.

      • tessiee

        Wood chipper, feet first.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Maybe it was laughing gas, like all the kids are doing these days at their raves and fraternity houses and such.

    • chascates

      I find your lack of faith disturbing.

  • freakishlywrong

    Tis the fucking season! ♫

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!!
      ~

      • Biff

        Or, as we used to say pre-digital age, 8-19.

  • ChernobylSoup

    OT, at the WH press briefing right now reporters are asking why the President won't help Boehner out of his unfortunate little political bind. Reminds me of the time Politico asked Elie Wiesel why he didn't run supplies to the Wehrmacht at Stalingrad.

    • Chichikovovich

      I would have added "Oh, I'm sure that Obama has double-super pinkie sworn not to put up any TV ads driving home the message that the Republicans have raised taxes on the poor and middle class because they didn't want to make billionaires pay their fair share. ("Raise Taxes" => misleadingly phrased, but it's misleading using spin the Republicans have used for decades, so no foul.)

      But it's hard to put something forward as snark when you can't shake the horrible feeling that it might well be true.

      Edit: just saw chascates' post below in re: bust of Churchill. So the ads we won't see will also include the fact that the Republicans raised taxes because they were too busy making sure that the faces of foreign leaders could litter the White House.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I've been listening to Republican Congressmen pop up on NPR for the past 24 hours to answer exactly 0% of the reporters' questions about why they all of a sudden oppose something that they claimed to support previously. True to form, the Repubs blather on about procedure and the Founding Fathers and even truer to form, the goddamn pussies at NPR gloss right over it and continue on to the next question as if NO MEANING EVER NEEDS TO BE EXCHANGED.

      "Thanks so much for coming on the show, Congressman!"

      • Jerri

        That's liberal NPR for you!

      • GOPCrusher

        Did have to like David Drierer's answer yesterday when he asked why the Republiklans can justify giving away money to the wealthy while meager tax cuts to the rest of us must be "paid for".
        Went right back to the standard class warfare answer.

        • anniegetyerfun

          Oh, yeah, I heard that one. Good thing no one dared question his complete idiocy.

      • fuflans

        yeah, but we get at least some laffs. also NPR: they've overreached, they're being blamed (WSJ and jammikin for fuck's sake) and now they're scrambling.

        assholes.

    • tessiee

      "Reminds me of the time Politico asked Elie Wiesel why he didn't run supplies to the Wehrmacht at Stalingrad"

      Or when I was a kid and whatever relative got mad at me said, "Go bring me something to hit you with".

  • WhatTheHeck

    Cheney was the weapon of mass destruction.

  • Ali Davis

    That was no oxygen mask. Haven't they seen Silence of the Lambs?

    • Steverino247

      Is this Clarice?

  • chascates

    The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the force of the neocons.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Just how many Baboons have to die?!
    Huh, how many?!
    They never did nothing to him.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Turns out that bust of Churchill was Cheney's horcrux. Obama was smart to get rid of it.

    • chascates

      Instead Of Extending Tax Cut For 160 Million Americans, House Commissioned Bust Of Winston.
      http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2011/12/20/39238

      • Generation[redacted]

        Ha! Ha! That will show them stoopid libruls! Patriotic Merkuns win agin!

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Oh fer fucks sake.

        I'm not even surprised anymore.

  • teebob2000

    So he didn't actually strangle a minority waiter at the cocktail party, and that turns into "enfeebled?"

  • Limeylizzie

    Oh thank-you Wonkette for the good news and cheery post, I have a bad case of the influenza and am sitting here in my jammies blowing my nose and dropping the used tissues in a giant sack and generally feeling sorry for myself, but this has cheered me up.

    • RadioYKWE

      {{{{HUGS}}}}

      • Limeylizzie

        Thanks.

    • chascates

      Warm blankets & hot toddies for you!

    • nounverb911

      Needs more chicken soup.

      • Limeylizzie

        The thought of Cheney dying in agony seems to be working.

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          Cheney dying is chicken soup for the soul indeed.

          • vtxmcrider

            A world full of sunshine.

          • Negropolis

            And, Cheney dying in chicken soup would be gravy.

    • Steverino247

      Get well, soon! And may Dick's death bring you great joy in the New Year.

      • Limeylizzie

        It would be a lovely New Year's gift, wouldn't it?

    • proudgrampa

      Get well soon, Lizzie. We love you and think of you often!

    • prommie

      You have the grippe? Yucky yuck yuck, I am so sorry to hear. Use the Puffs Plus, they have lotion in them, so your nose won't get chapped.

      • Limeylizzie

        Truly Adelaide's lament.

  • RadioYKWE

    You know who else spent their last miserable days bunkered down?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Archie "Bunker"?

    • SorosBot

      The Donner party?

      • ChernobylSoup

        At least they had tasty food.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Every dead civilian in Iraq?

    • flamingpdog

      Donald Rumsfeld?

      Wait, WHAT?? He's not dead yet? Damn …

    • Fukui_Jong-un

      Anyone not in the top 1%?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Richard Nixon?

    • V572 the Merciless

      Jeffrey Dahmer?

    • Chichikovovich

      Fortunato?

    • chascates

      The 29 miners who died in Massey Energy Co.'s Upper Big Branch mine the year after Massey was issued 515 citations for safety violations at the same mine?

    • Negropolis

      Marie Antoinette, the poor dear?

    • tessiee

      A pony named Wildfire?

  • Generation[redacted]

    When he dies, there will be a great wailing and crying and beating of fists against the pavement and cries of "No! No! We have been robbed of his presence!"

    It's true. The Hague will not be a happy place.

    • Huevos Ocupados

      Is that place even still open? Seems like no one goes there anymore…

  • flamingpdog

    I hate to poop on people's parades, but as much I welcome the (pleaze, Jeebus, pleaze!) impending demise of Darth Cheney, TeeVee news will be (even more) unwatchable (than usual) once he croaks because of the week-long, all-day adoration fest 'Mer'ca will be forced to endure upon his "death". I'm stocking up on teh booze tonight after work.

    • V572 the Merciless

      Remember when the last pope died? Or Reagan's funeral? I'm so depressed now.

      • GOPCrusher

        But it was worth the uncomfortable looks when Ron Reagan Jr. gave his speech at his father's burial, when he mentioned that his father never used religion as a wedge against the American people.

        • fuflans

          yeah, but who's going to play that part at cheney's funeral? mary?

    • Generation[redacted]

      I for one am not looking forward to Obama's glowing eulogy about how we lost a great American. I hope the man lives forever, just to avoid that.

      • Chichikovovich

        Aw, now you've gone and reminded me of Clinton's weepy gushing speech at the funeral of the great underappreciated statesman Richard Nixon. Maybe a home electroshock treatment can cleanse my brain of that horrific memory. Worth a try.

      • Rosie_Scenario

        Obama will send Biden. That's what Veeps are for.

        • LetUsBray

          I hope he shows up in a ratty old parka such as Cheney was wont to wear to state funerals.

    • tessiee

      I shall leave my tv set on dvd player, and watch a MST3K marathon, followed by a Sopranos marathon, capped by the episode where Livia dies and everybody trashes her at her funeral.

    • Negropolis

      You think so? I don't think the media has ever had any love for him, so I don't expect much more beyond a day or two.

  • Biff

    Sitting Shiva 12 years too late for this fucking cunt, but I'll take what I can get.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    From German I think it would be translated, "The, Dick, The."

    • Chichikovovich

      True story: I told that Simpsons joke to a German pal, and he said it wasn't funny, because Bart (Dick) is a masculine name, and "Die" is gendered feminine. So it should be "Der Bart. Der."

      I suppose replacing actual Nazis with mere grammar Nazis is an improvement, so I won't complain.

      • poncho_pilot

        silly foreigners with their gendered nouns and their more than three cases.

        • Generation[redacted]

          David Sedaris said it best. I'll believe a table can have gender when it takes off its clothes and makes a fool of itself.

      • Thurman Munster IV

        And what makes a German laugh?

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Slapstick, mostly.

        • Negropolis

          Schadenfreude. Lots and lots of schadenfreude.

    • jqheywood

      Well, nobody who speaks German could be an evil man…

      • tessiee

        Nothing but good stuff from the Land of Chocolate.

  • arihaya

    the Muslins believe the more evil a person is, the longer and painful his dying days are, so maybe Dick will not die soon. He will have to pay upfront for his crime by spending his last days dying slowly, and unbearably painfully

    • tessiee

      "the Muslins believe the more evil a person is, the longer and painful his dying days are"

      If that were true, he'd be dying for a longer time than he "lived".

  • HedonismBot

    Cheering for the death of a human, any human, is against my morals and principles. That said, if Dick Cheney were to die, I would not shed a tear.

    • prommie

      No problemo, man, Dick isn't human.

    • vtxmcrider

      We have no trouble picking up your slack. You're more than welcome!

    • Rotundo_

      Under ordinary curcumstances I would concur, but Mr. Cheney is one of those special people who have so utterly embraced evil that yeah, when he shuffles off his mortal coil, I will give a hearty "Huzzah!" and a short golf clap upon the news. He richly deserves any nasty exit he takes on the way out.

  • RadioYKWE

    His last battle brings new meaning to the War on Christmas.

  • V572 the Merciless

    Today we are all partially-prosthetic human-machine-hybrid ex-dictators waiting to die.

    In Gabriel García Márquez' wonderful novel Autumn of the Patriarch, the nameless evil dictator who is the central character creates a kind of group home in his country for deposed dictators from other countries. It pleases him to go listen to their stories of how powerful and rich they once were. Can't something like this be arranged for Cheney, maybe in the Hague?

  • Nopantsmcgee

    I hate to think unkind thoughts of Dick during the xmasween season and not being able to breathe is a big fear of mine so I'm gonna not say anything that allows Karma to kick me in the nuts.

    I just hope his oxygen smells like Limbaugh farts.

    • Loaded_Pants

      Are you kidding? He'd probably love that!

  • El Pinche

    This ain't Rush-Limbaugh-dies-in-a-wood-chipper level of celebration, but my piñatas are loaded with many little surprises

  • coolhandnuke

    With Dreyfuss as my witness, I will boil the potatoes, mash them… until the Dark Dick passes, I will build the monument, I will sculpt the mashed potato monolith to the exacting particulars of Devils Tower/ Cheney's anal warts.

  • tihond

    Kim Jon Il, Bin Laden, Gaddaffi, and now… Could god be trying to hit for the despot cycle?

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    His (life) deficit doesn't matter.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Whoever pulls the plug on that fucker will be greeted as liberators.

  • Come here a minute

    And with that, Dick Cheney stood up from his wheelchair, raised his right arm and called out in a loud, clear voice, "Mein Führer! I can walk!"

  • sezme

    But if he dies for good this time, then doesn't he automatically become a saint like Reagan? Better he maintains some nominal sort of "life" or whatever it is that currently qualifies him as not being technically dead.

  • b[redact]opple

    This is no good. He needs to go out Ceauşescu-style. His awful wife, too.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'm thinking maybe they should go out like Benito Mussolini and Clara Petacci in the Piazzale Loreto in Milano, with the evil awful daughter Liz thrown in for good luck.

    • Biff

      While we're at it, I'm no fan of his evil spawn, either.

    • Generation[redacted]

      I'm thinking the closing scene "Dogs of War" with Christopher Walken saying, "You're going to have to buy it all over again."

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Favorite line from that flick:

        "You cahn't leave Zahn-gah-ro without your pahs-port, ahss-hole."

    • Chichikovovich

      I've always felt Ceauşescu represents a terrible missed opportunity. (No snark: what I'm about to say is true. (*Except for the sentence marked "*".)) Y'see, the guy loved to kill wild bears. So he had an enormous reserved forest set aside containing a luxurious mansion and a brigade of foresters to tend to the bear population. Now hunting bears is challenging, if what you set out to do is track them through the woods over days and finally put yourself in position to make a kill shot. Dangerous too, obviously. But on the other hand just putting out some bait and waiting in a hutch (or a luxury terrace) overlooking the bait is dead boring because the bears may never come. Plus it would be embarrassing to Nikolai C, if he had brought guests to see him kill a bear and he done never killed no bear. So when NC was coming to the special forests, the forester's job was to take sedate a few bears, and drive them into a clearing where Ceauşescu and/or his guests would have an easy shot.

      Now I think you can see where I'm going here. Rarely does the universe serve up such a perfect opportunity for reestablishing Karma than this. But they just shot him instead of releasing him sedated into his forest.

      • SudsMcKenzie

        You had me at "specially sedated bears".

        • Chichikovovich

          Aw, sorry about that. I guess I shouldn't have edited that phrase out. (Wanted to make clear that the bears weren't normally sedated – only when Saint Nicolai came to to play.)

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    Well, they do say that warmongering authoritarian asshole fans of mass-murder die in threes, so…

  • Steverino247

    <sniff> "Daddy wants to bomb Iran!"

    If he really is in a wheelchair, I prefer the scene from Hannibal where Dr. Lector tells the doctor to push Mason Verger into the arena with the carniverous hogs. "You can always say it was me."

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    OT, but here is some more good news.
    http://www.thedailybeast.com/cheats/2011/12/21/pr

    Occupy!

    • Katydid

      After Gingrich finished speaking, the protesters chased him and his wife, Callista, down the stairs of the capitol.

      Thanks for my biggest laugh of the day…..do you think he tried to protect his wife or he just tried to outrun Callista?

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        I don't know. All I could picture was his man boobs jiggling as he ran down the stairs, and Callista's hair not moving a fraction of an inch.

      • Chichikovovich

        You can always get another wife.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        "I don't have to run faster than them, Callista. I just have to run faster than you."

    • GOPCrusher

      It was reported today that the OWS group has been granted permission to take up residence in a building in downtown Iowa City for the upcoming Iowa Caucuses. It sounds like we may be seeing an influx of protesters from the rest of the country to compete for press coverage with the Caucuses.

  • El Pinche

    In honor of the many soldiers and civilians murdered/slaughtered in meaningless wars, they should dump his body in a hole in the Iraqi desert, and pour on the lye (so we don't inconvenience anyone else with his stench). Hell awaits you Dick. Merry Christmas Liz!!!

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

    Honestly, these Dick Cheney health update stories make me very sad. Not about Cheney's rapidly approaching mortality, per say, but because it suddenly reminds me of all the women in their thirties who die from undiagnosed cancer because "we can't afford it," as a society while Cheney spends millions to prolong his life a couple of months, or the wrongly convicted on death row or already executed, while Cheney will never be tried for his openly confessed and unrepentant war crimes, or the hundreds of thousands, if not millions of Iraqis that were murdered on Cheney's say-so. And yet, he's still here, and still advocating even bloodier and greater evils be committed in Americas name.

    In a just world, Cheney would be behind bars, and his cardiologist would be a prison clinic doctor. In a just world, he wouldn't be profitting from his crimes, and in a just world, many, many others would be alive right now, in his place.

    • Biff

      Put it in proper perspective–if only it was cheney spending millions, but it isn't–it's you and me, having our pockets picked to pay for his artificially extended life.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Well said.

      Oh, and did you used to be lionelhutzesq?

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

        Nope! Just Chuck Testa a shape-shfting embodiment of every terrible Joe in politics, of which there are legion.

        Unless I'm mistaken, the esteemed counselor hutz is still among us, and has merely been [redacted] of late.

  • Biff

    First it was Jon Bon Jovi, now teh Dick.
    Wonkeet, you tease…

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    He's spending a weekend in a Hole! Come on! It means he's UNdead!

    • tessiee

      ???
      Wait, I thought if he was in the hole we were OK, but if he comes out of the hole and sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of Republicans fucking us over.

  • SayItWithWookies

    There's not a Nick Cave lyric sufficiently twisted to describe that sordid, horrible man. I hope he lives a long time, gasping and wheezing in some coffin-like iron lung contraption as he gets to read about the complete repudiation of his imperialistic, even-your-friends-are-your-enemies, fuck-the-law, kill-em-all rap sheet of so-called accomplishments.

  • sbj1964

    In the words of Obi won ; Dick Cheneny, " He's more Machine now than a man.".

  • PhilippePetain

    Yeah, props to W Junior for the nick Cave reference.

  • Ducksworthy

    You know who else is not human but does have first amendment rights?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Halliburton/KBR/Blackwater/Lockheed-Martin/Boeing/etc etc etc ad nauseum?

    • SorosBot

      Data, after the events of The Measure of a Man?

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Negligently_Joe

        The Doctor (who was totally not the poor man's Data) after the events of Author, Author?

  • Jerri

    That guy's going to live to be at least 240 years old, not unlike like the Mr. Burns-bot.

    • Loaded_Pants

      How can we be so sure that he isn't already that old?

      • Jerri

        Good point.

  • valgal2342

    I wonder if his death certificate will be real. He'll just have to prove it.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      I demand the long form!

  • LesPaultard

    She's not so little.

    • GOPCrusher

      Neither is her dick.

  • Antispandex

    This is the one thing I don't like about Wonkette. Do you have to suck the fun out of EVERYTHING! If we can have just a little hope that this turd will be gone in time for Jesus' birthday, you shouldn't be so quick to point out that it is hard to take out an evil daemon. Look on the bright side for once!

  • mavenmaven

    So Cheney, having to ruin everyone's party just for his own last kicks. "Hi fellas, are you going to just sit there terrified and worry whether I'll die right here in front of you? Well HAHAHAHAHA"

    • tessiee

      "are you going to just sit there terrified and worry whether I'll die right here in front of you? Well HAHAHAHAHA" "

      Just to be clear, since "whether" is ambiguous: Are they terrified and worrying that he will die, or terrified and worrying that he won't?

  • user-of-owls

    "Determined to put the most optimistic spin on the dramatic plunge in postings over recent days, the dizzy children at Wonket turned their sparkling eyes to a magical, heartwarming explanation of what their beloved editors were up to as Christmas drew near."

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Few things are worse than being woken on a cold stone bench at 6 am with an incapacitating hangover and vague half-memories of swearing at the cops, and being told you are free to go.

      • user-of-owls

        I can think of one thing worse: all that plus the screws give you a hand mirror and tell you to look at your teeth.

  • smitallica

    A Christian would never wish for or rejoice in the death of another human being.

    Luckily, I'm an atheist.

    • Ducksworthy

      Also Cheney is not human. So we're in the clear.

    • Negropolis

      Well, that, and Cheney is not technically a human being.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    He would be a good subject for testing that new bird flu strain I've been reading about.

    • Nostrildamus

      Necrotizing bacteria and pneumonic plague are also worthy of consideration.

      Rectally inserted in a habenero slurry.

      Using a sharpened fire hose.

  • VespulaMaculata

    A fast one would deny us the chance to witness any suffering, a significant sacrifice on the chance there really isn't a hell. But a slow one opens to the door to disgusting and hollow end-game mea culpas on the order McNamara and Halderman. Which is worse?

    • tessiee

      *ponders*
      Would the disgusting and hollow end-game mea culpas be met with incredulous and derisive laughter, farting noises, loud booing, and objects flung with great force? Cause that might be kinda nice.

  • owhatever

    There's something I would like to see hanging from my Christmas tree.

  • WinterOuthouse

    I want him to live. I want him to live another 50 years. I want him to be in so much pain and agony that he begs people to kill him. I want him to suffer unspeakable horrors. I want him to be fucked by a freight train. I want him to drink battery acid and survive.

    Well, It is what I want for Christmas.

    Merry Holidays

    • tessiee

      "I want him to be in so much pain and agony that he begs people to kill him"

      Ideally, they should respond with incredulous and derisive laughter, farting noises, loud booing, and objects flung with great force.

  • Steverino247

    Where's Chevy Chase saying, "Generalissimo Dick Cheney is still dead" when you need him?

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    With the death of Kim Jong Il and now this, maybe those things do happen in mulitples of three?

    • Nostrildamus

      And the GOP makes three.

  • chascates

    And from the 'Jews for Hitler' crowd:
    Gay Republican Groups Defend Gingrich, Urge Gay Voters Not To Vote On Equality http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2011/12/21/394244/g

    • Negropolis

      And from the 'Jews for Hitler' crowd

      Ouch!

  • Barrelhse

    I gotta hand it to Dick-o on this one; I thought I was the only one who goes out drinking wearing an O2 mask when I'm too weak to stand.

  • tessiee

    That cunt.

  • fuflans

    we haven't been invaded by angry wingtards yet?

    weird.

  • rocktonsam

    may be Dick can hold out until new years day then meet his maker,
    great way to start out the new year

  • Isyaignert

    Hey Cheney The Dick – how's that socialist gubbmit health care working for you? Asshole!

  • Isyaignert

    I think GeeDub, Rummy, Condi, et. al. are waiting for Cheney to die then they can blame him for all of Bush's fuk-ups.

  • Negropolis

    Oh, I'm afraid the Cheney will be quite operational when your friends arrive…

  • jmfarkwood

    Shoulda bought himself a nice young heart in Africa like his still-kicking bud Richard Devos did.

  • Numbat_Dundee

    I don't believe in an interventionist God
    But I know that your supporters do
    But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him
    To intervene when it came to you
    To pluck out each hair upon your head
    And to leave you with some scars
    And if He had to direct you
    Then direct you into my car
    That I would then drive O Lord
    Over a cliff O Lord
    Into an abyss O Lord
    Into my car
    And I don't believe in the existence of demons
    Though looking at you I wonder if that's true
    But if I did I would summon them together
    And ask them to interrogate you
    To each waterboard your body
    And torment your ugly soul
    And film it all for Al Jazeera
    As you walk right into my car

  • Numbat_Dundee

    Into my car O lord
    Over a cliff O Lord
    One less white stiff O Lord
    Into my car
    And I believe in love
    Which for you does not compute
    And I believe in some kind of path
    That we can walk down me and you
    So keep your rectum burning
    As I insert the anal probe
    And make his journey confusing enough
    That he will keep returning
    Always and evermore
    Into my car O Lord
    Which is fitted with a water board
    Into my car O Lord
    Into my car

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    Who's "Jackson" and does the poor bastard know that Cheney plans on being in his hole during Xmas?

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    Oh, and I remember cheney's wheelchair stunt and Obama's inauguration. He's an asshole.

  • tessiee

    So it's not just the insurgency that's in it's death throes?

  • L188188

    Perhaps his heart will START beating and that will do him in.

  • Generation[redacted]

    I only pray that he lives long enough to see a war crime tribunal.

  • Loaded_Pants

    Hell, he should be put on trial even if he's dead. Dig up his half-machine corpse & wheel it into the chamber, I say.