WAR ON XMAS  3:07 pm December 20, 2011

Major Investigation: Capitol Xmas Tree Lacks Jesus-Themed Ornaments

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

The Christian News Service has done a careful study of five of the five thousand donated ornaments on the Capitol Christmas Tree, and the findings are not pretty. Two out of these five ornaments were about Barack Obama, and zero were about Jesus. So by statistics, we can say that 2,000 of the ornaments on the tree this year are about Barack Obama, and still none of them are about Jesus. GOOD ENUFF MATH 4 TERRORFYING HEADLINE: “U.S. Capitol Tree Pays Homage to Obama — But Not Jesus.” AAAAAAHHHHH.

The godlessness doesn’t even stop there:

Other prominent ornaments on the tree tout Disneyland, Hollywood, the Los Angeles Lakers and the Los Angeles Dodgers.

The tree also includes a number of ornaments representing Christmas gift packages. The ribbons on these packages are arranged in a cross pattern–but all of them have “Happy Holidays” ensribed [sic] on them.

Um, maybe because many of the children who made ornaments for this year’s tree, from California, were instructed to use the theme “California Shines?”

OR MAYBE IT WAS A CONSPIRACY?????

Even French gay pride got an ornament when Jesus didn’t!

MUST INVESTIGATE. Christian News Service will get to the bottom of this, with a strongly-worded email to…some press officer:

CNSNews.com sent a series of question about the ornaments to the U.S. Forest Service office in Tuolumne County, Calif., that was responsible for securing the tree and collecting the ornaments and sending them to Washington, D.C. These questions asked if any ornaments had been excluded because of their content and if there were any ornaments actually hung on the tree that expressly mentioned or depicted Christmas, or the birth of Jesus, or any Christian cultural site in California, such as the California missions.

THE BOMBSHELL RESPONSE:

“Thank you for your inquiry. The Office of the Architect of the Capitol (AOC) does not have a policy nor any restrictions concerning the themes for the ornaments donated for the Capitol Christmas Tree. Each state determines its own theme each year, and the U.S. Forest Service collects the ornaments from communities throughout the state from which the tree is donated…. Thousands of ornaments are delivered by the U.S. Forest Service to the U.S. Capitol in large boxes along with the Capitol Christmas Tree. There is no selection process to determine which ornaments were to be placed on the Capitol Christmas Tree and which were not based on theme or content. Rather, the Capitol Grounds crew has to decorate a 65-foot tree in a matter of days, therefore they place ornaments on the Capitol Christmas Tree until it is fully decorated. Their only concern is that the ornaments stand up to the weather (durable and waterproof).”

In sum: huge conspiracy. [CNSNews.com]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 542 comments }

Barb December 20, 2011 at 3:09 pm

It was just last year the Fox Noise reported that Barry had an ornament in homage to Mao Tse-tung.

poncho_pilot December 20, 2011 at 3:14 pm

you know who else had a mousy tongue?

nounverb911 December 20, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Ragland T. Tiger?

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Me, last time I drank a fifth of cheap tequila. Never again!

Tundra Grifter December 20, 2011 at 3:23 pm

BTF:

Like the Russian army walked across your tongue while wearing sox?

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2011 at 3:30 pm

In my version of that saying (thanks dad!), I prefer "Chinese Army marched," but otherwise, yes!

poncho_pilot December 20, 2011 at 3:32 pm

ha! no matter what, the "you know who else…" joke will become six degrees of Adolf Hitler.

Beowoof December 20, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Didn't Newt get that from Calista?

ShitFilledExistence December 20, 2011 at 7:45 pm

This thread is also about crabs?

SorosBot December 20, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Mickey?

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 3:45 pm

That's what Minnie said. And "mousy" wasn't the only descriptor she used, either. Gene Simmons was mentioned.

DaRooster December 20, 2011 at 3:47 pm

However… she was fuckin' Goofy…

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Mickey? And Minnie could tell you all about it.
Edit: beat me to it Chichi…so I must upfist you.

poncho_pilot December 20, 2011 at 5:12 pm

great minds.

PalinzADummy December 20, 2011 at 9:13 pm

Zingiber Officinalis? B.D. Bandicoot? Madu du Berdou? Gojira Helen Wheels?

All of them, poncho?

poncho_pilot December 21, 2011 at 2:01 am

number one on my list of possible correct answers was my first girlfriend.

PalinzADummy December 21, 2011 at 2:23 am

??

No way we could *ever* had guessed *that,* dude.

Unless you just stalked her over here and are trying to flush out the pussy she's currently, um, stuck on.

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 10:55 pm

My cats?

Dudleydidwrong December 20, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Getting back to the original question, the year was 2009: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2009/12/23/white-

Schmannnity December 20, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Kenyan Christmas tree!

Negropolis December 20, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Also known as a Christmas tree. lol

sarah_connor December 20, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Does anybody else remember the stories about the penis-shaped (h)ornaments on the Clinton tree, or is that a dream I can haz?

Come here a minute December 20, 2011 at 3:13 pm

The box of ornaments from Texas got lost in the mail, which was a shame because the theme was "Happy Birthday Jesus, Thanks for Casting the First Stone at Gays, Now I Will Join You."

JustPixelz December 21, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Jesus liked teh gheys. Maybe a little too much. It was quite a bromance between him and John

nounverb911 December 20, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Hey tonight's Hannukah! Where's the Capitol Hannukah bush?

johnnyzhivago December 20, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Jeb???

Schmannnity December 20, 2011 at 3:16 pm

W?

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Bush? Didn't they do that "Should I fly to Los Angeles, find my asshole brother?" song?

poncho_pilot December 20, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Lieberman? i hear he's not a fan of the manscaping.

actor212 December 20, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Pam Geller has a cold.

OneDollarJuana December 20, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Oh, pish. Dr. Laura is so yesterday.

finallyhappy December 20, 2011 at 6:09 pm

The menorah lighting is on the Ellipse but I didn't go-I have never gone actually

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 20, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Really, in all this time, no Debbie Wasserman-Schultz joke?

SorosBot December 20, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Well I for one am very offended by the ornaments they allowed on that tree – I mean, the fucking Dodgers? Boo!

PuckStopsHere December 20, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Right fucking on! Everybody knows Clayton Kershaw is THE DEVIL!

Biel_ze_Bubba December 20, 2011 at 6:29 pm

The connection between Christmas and Boston baseball has a long and illustrious history, so I'm confident that there were a number of red socks among the ornaments.

Nopantsmcgee December 20, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Sap libel!

johnnyzhivago December 20, 2011 at 3:15 pm

How many Hitler themed ornaments, I wonder???

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Swastikas are OK as long as they are durable and waterproof.

weejee December 20, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Couldn't someone mistake them for Buddhist ornaments (conducive to well-being) and then really get their Xtian knickers in a twist?

mavenmaven December 20, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Technically those go in the opposite direction…

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 3:42 pm

cockwise or counter-cockwise?

weejee December 20, 2011 at 3:49 pm

But the morans who tattoo them on themselves (e.g., Tommy Lee) don't always get that straight.

Negropolis December 20, 2011 at 11:24 pm

That's what she said.

Steverino247 December 20, 2011 at 3:46 pm

All of them, Eva Braun.

comrad_darkness December 20, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Hitler was a white Christian, so wouldn't his get auto-approved by CNS?

Serolf_Divad December 20, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Do the ones with a picture of President Obama on them count?

Rosie_Scenario December 20, 2011 at 3:15 pm

And I hear that one of the Wise Men is black. Thanks to Obama.

Guppy December 20, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Balthazar, Melchior and Sambo.

Nostrildamus December 20, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Also, most of the Dumb Men are white.

Negropolis December 20, 2011 at 11:25 pm

And, did you hear? Mary was a…a…Middle Eastern Jew!

Callyson December 20, 2011 at 3:15 pm

the Capitol Christmas Tree…did include one ornament that pointed to the Bible and Psalm 19. This ornament, made from an aluminum pie tin, shows a miner panning for gold with a Bible behind him. There is a gold cross on the cover of the Bible. Around the interior wall of the pie tin, these words are written with what appears to be a blue marker: “More precious than Gold” and “Psalm 19.”
Psalm 19 says in part: “The decrees of the Lord are firm, and all of them are righteous. They are more precious than gold.”
More precious than gold?!? No wonder the fundies wigged out–what a bunch of socialistic anti – American crap!

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2011 at 3:18 pm

I think platinum is more precious than gold, too. And unobtainium, also.

poncho_pilot December 20, 2011 at 3:27 pm

don't forget about upsidaisium.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 20, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Preferred it when it was known as upsidaisium. I'm just wondering how long until Jay Ward's estate sues Cameron for stealing his idea, and for using it in a movie not nearly as interesting as an old Rocky and Bullwinkle short.

poncho_pilot December 20, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Rocky and Bullwinkle was my primer on how ridiculous the Cold War was–or maybe that was just my take on the show.

different times. i think nowadays Rush would be on about Ward's liberal agenda.

TheGyrus December 20, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Don't tell Ron Paul

OkieDokieDog December 20, 2011 at 3:17 pm

OMG!OMG!OM… wait, more Xtian outrage over another total bullshit anti-Christan non-conspiracy? This is getting really really old and tiresome.

starfanglednut December 20, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Inorite? Just like gay republicans being outed by rent boys.

Zzzzzzzzz….

GOPCrusher December 20, 2011 at 4:41 pm

http://www.mediaite.com/tv/pat-robertson-slams-sn

And I'll bet there are no ornaments honoring Tim Tebow on that tree either.

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Next up: "Why isn't Hanukkah more Christian!? And why is President Obama not speaking up about this issue!"

johnnyzhivago December 20, 2011 at 3:17 pm

First Twitter is bought by the Arabs and now they're insisting that the Capitol Holiday Tree is covered in Muslin Idols????

The question isn't whether we start bombing, the question is who do we bomb first???

poncho_pilot December 20, 2011 at 3:20 pm

more evidence: muslin is neither fire or water proof! coincidence? I. THINK. NOT.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2011 at 3:33 pm

For that matter, neither is Judaism (see "Nacht, Kristal")

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 3:47 pm

See also "Fé, auto-de". This being a Christian holiday and all.

poncho_pilot December 20, 2011 at 3:55 pm

auto-de fé? what's the auto-de fé?

ThundercatHo December 20, 2011 at 5:58 pm

This actually made me giggle. Thanks a lot, I needed it as the holidays are so not my favouritest time of the year.

Jukesgrrl December 20, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Mine either. I took myself out to a diner today and read a murder mystery while eating a big cheese omelet. I felt so much better I actually wished the waitress a Merry Christmas with her tip.

poncho_pilot December 21, 2011 at 2:07 am

glad i could be of use. can't say i'm a fan of the holidays, either. lots of things i don't like during the rest of the year all crammed into the last two weeks. no thanks.

nounverb911 December 20, 2011 at 3:20 pm

All of them, Katie?

flamingpdog December 20, 2011 at 5:56 pm

I think I'm gonna go home after work tonight and get bombed.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2011 at 3:17 pm

I just hope someone contributed an ornament honoring Satan Belichick and the New England Cloven Hooves. Especially after this past Sunday.

Terry December 20, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Satan is only up in Foxborough during football season. During basketball season, he lives in Durham, NC, and wears a blue and white uniform that conveniently has a devil on the front.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2011 at 3:46 pm

The commuting during the time of year when the two seasons overlap would be a killer, if Satan were a mortal man.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 20, 2011 at 6:33 pm

I only have to be there for home games, so it isn't too bad. What I really hate are the summers in the Bronx.

Negropolis December 20, 2011 at 11:27 pm

I hear he's been pretty busy in Columbus the past few years…

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Oh man, that's a holly-jolly idea. I hope there's still time to donate an ornament of Jesus fumbling at the Denver 40 yard line when New England was just up by 1.

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 5:18 pm

You'd think the Outraged Christians would have been satisfied with the burning witch ornament. But nooooo…!

coolhandnuke December 20, 2011 at 3:17 pm

I demand that the US Forest Service produce a long form birth certificate for the Capitol Christmas Tree…pronto.

slowhansolo December 20, 2011 at 3:18 pm

These people inform our society much the way 85-year-old drivers inform our interstates.

FlyOverGirl December 20, 2011 at 3:18 pm

How do the Moo-slims celebrate Christmas?

doloras December 20, 2011 at 7:11 pm

My Bengali ex used to say: "Presents."

(Most Muslins don't have a big problem with celebrating the birthday of the Prophet Jesus, anwyay.)

SorosBot December 20, 2011 at 8:03 pm

A few years ago, my family went to Egypt over Christmas – my father and brother are both teachers (well, my father's retired now but was one then) so we made the trip over their break – and were very surprised to see Christmas decorations all over Cairo, like an American city. They are really into it over there; but then, as Jesus is second only to Muhammad among prophets in Islam that shouldn't have been so surprising.

The whole break between Islam and Christianity is over the whole trinity thing; the line from the Qur'an usually translated "there is no god but Allah" should really be translated "there is no god but god"; the early Muslims believed that Christianity was really polytheistic with three gods and had fucked up Jesus' message by worshiping him as a god instead of a prophet.

Negropolis December 20, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Well, that, and their are quite a few Christians in Egypt to put it lightly. Egypt was Christianized before it was Islamicized.

reliefsinn December 21, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Well, if these fundie X-tains don't stop this crap, my soul is going to become psychedelicized, in short order, and for a long time.

An_Outhouse December 20, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Cows?

slowhansolo December 20, 2011 at 3:20 pm

What, no miniature noose? CONSPIRACY.

SoBeach December 20, 2011 at 3:20 pm

A 65 foot tall Capitol Christmas tree, and the fundies still want to pretend they're being persecuted.

slowhansolo December 20, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Tolerance and equanimity are not hallmarks of the world's most oppressed majority.

chicken_thief December 20, 2011 at 4:26 pm

I bet St. Ronnie put up a 70 ft tree. With nuttin but Jesus shit all over it. And some Chuck Norris stuff, too. But mostly Jesus.

Jukesgrrl December 20, 2011 at 10:31 pm

I think there were also tiny NASCARs.

imissopus December 20, 2011 at 3:20 pm

The tree was from California, so that explains it. Nothing but godless liberals and Jules Manson in California.

fuflans December 20, 2011 at 5:15 pm

jules manson is a delightful punch line.

flamingpdog December 20, 2011 at 5:58 pm

or delightful to punch.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 20, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Probably a gay tree, and it comes with a men's chorus singing the Twelve Gays of Christmas, and a gay christmas card.

Jukesgrrl December 20, 2011 at 10:32 pm

That card is just begging to be Blingeed.

Indiepalin December 20, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Let's have the Senate pass a law making Jesus waterproof so the House can vote it down because it doesn't create enough jobs.

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Can you imagine the uncertainty a waterproof Jesus would stir up among the Job Creators?

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:08 pm

Well, we know that at least the bottoms of His Holy Feet are waterproof, anyway.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 20, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Isn't that a bit redundant, for a guy who walks on water?

Negropolis December 20, 2011 at 11:29 pm

He's already waterproof. The dude literally walked on water.

poncho_pilot December 21, 2011 at 2:13 am

"But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water."

John 19:34

he was actually filled with water. what a strange piñata.

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 3:21 pm

WHERE IS MY KWANZA ORNAMENT!!1!

Maman December 20, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Cripes. Everyone knows that Jesus was born in California

GOPCrusher December 20, 2011 at 4:45 pm

I heard it was actually Tijuana and he snuck across the border.
FINISH THE DANG FENCE!

Maman December 20, 2011 at 5:09 pm

If Jesus can walk on water, don't you think he can fly over a fence?

GOPCrusher December 20, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Oh, JEEEESUS, not HAYZEUS. My bad.

Chet Kincaid December 20, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Jesus was designed in California by Apple. He was immaculately conceived by Foxconn, in China.

Dashboard Buddha December 20, 2011 at 6:33 pm

I didn't know that. Of course, the Mormons maintain that he spent some face time with the native tribes out that way so I guess anything is possible.

coolhandnuke December 20, 2011 at 3:22 pm

What's the difference between a 65-foot Christmas tree and a 6 foot five Bill O'Reilly?

SexySmurf December 20, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Even a tree knows that the tides are caused by the moon's gravitational pull.

jus_wonderin December 20, 2011 at 3:27 pm

The Christmas tree was cut down in the prime of its life. Bill, not so much.

coolhandnuke December 20, 2011 at 3:40 pm

One is fair and balanced.

tihond December 20, 2011 at 3:53 pm

The tree can stay hard.

BornInATrailer December 20, 2011 at 4:00 pm

The Christmas tree doesn't call that slutty cedar down the street for phone sex when Mrs. Christmas Tree is laden with pine cones?

nounverb911 December 20, 2011 at 4:02 pm

The Xmas tree knows the difference between a falafel and a loofah.

OneDollarJuana December 20, 2011 at 4:15 pm

One is a big, green stiff. So is the tree.

fitley December 20, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Billo has smaller pinecones.

SayItWithWookies December 20, 2011 at 5:13 pm

The Christmas tree burns longer.

flamingpdog December 20, 2011 at 6:00 pm

You can toss the 65-foot Christmas tree in a wood-chipper and it won't scream.

Sorry.

Dashboard Buddha December 20, 2011 at 6:42 pm

you heartless bastard! You gotta put them in the chipper headfirst…better still, knock them out first.

Nostrildamus December 20, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Bill O'Reilly is an asshole.

littlebigdaddy December 20, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Hey, OT, but did you know that black folks like Christmas too? Really, and some of them are clean and well-behaved.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 20, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Yeah, but I hear they are always going around saying stuff like "Where's My F'ing Christmas Tree!"

Negropolis December 20, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Correction, "Where's my motherfuckin' Christmans tree?!" thank you very much.

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:10 pm

The Christmas tree is pretty to look at?
The Christmas tree raises people's spirits?
The Christmas tree isn't trying to force the schools to teach Santa science?

Negropolis December 20, 2011 at 11:32 pm

One leaves behind needles after it dies…and the other's a Christmas tree?

Wilcoxyz December 20, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Silly fundies, Jesus hangs from the cross, not a Christmas tree. Besides, the pine branches are too thin to get a good nail into.

Guppy December 20, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Actually, a cross made of lightweight pine would be easier to carry up Calvary.

Christmas is the holiday where Christians commemorate the crucifixion, right?

HistoriCat December 20, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Christmas is the holiday where Christians commemorate the crucifixion, right?

Apparently the best way to celebrate the birth of a child is a visual reminder of the horrific way he's going to die.

Guppy December 20, 2011 at 9:40 pm

If there's one thing Talibangelicals love, it's a good execution. And by "good," I mean "by way of wrongful conviction."

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2011 at 3:23 pm

"Their only concern is that the ornaments stand up to the weather (durable and waterproof).”

The Jesus-y ornaments would be best for this waterproof requirement, seeing as how they can walk on water.

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Yes, but after a rainstorm they leave the WH terrace soaked in wine.

DerrickWildcat December 20, 2011 at 3:24 pm

"This lonely religious ornament cites Psalm 19 with what appears to be a blue marker."

Those Fucking Blue Markers!

spends2much December 20, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Which is more proof that the Blue States are mocking Jeebus. Also, Communism and such.

Guppy December 20, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Worst yet, the Psalms are in the non-Jesus part of the book. It could have been done by a Jew or, worse yet, a Mohammedan!

About all you can really say is "Probably not Dharmic."

flamingpdog December 20, 2011 at 6:03 pm

The 10 Commandments are also in the non-Jesus part of the book, but that doesn't stop the fundies from orgasming at their very mention while pooh-poohing the Jesusy things like blessed are the poor and that other Commie stuff.

SorosBot December 20, 2011 at 8:18 pm

These are the same people who love to quote the parts of Leviticus and Deuteronomy that condemn man-on-man sex (though interestingly, not woman-on-woman sex), but ignore the rules against eating delicious bacon, lobster, and cheeseburgers, and those that say you can only wear all-cotton or all-wool outfits. They're good at picking and choosing the parts of that book they like and ignoring the rest.

Jukesgrrl December 20, 2011 at 10:43 pm

They especially ignore,"Everything whatsoever you desire that people should do for you, do likewise for them, for this is the Law and The Prophets." But then again, that's probably something Stalin stuck in there.

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Aren't they in for an unpleasant surprise when they find out the Bible forbids mullets:

Leviticus 19: 27 "'Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head…"

Well, OK, the book has survived for 2000 years; it's bound to be right *some* of the time.

MiniMencken December 20, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Has anyone seen Jesus' long-form birth certificate? This whole Christmas thing might just be a conspiracy. Your move, CNSNews.com.

spends2much December 20, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Dude's parents even left town so he would be born in a different city… wow, that sounds familiar. Has Orly Taitz looked into this??

Biel_ze_Bubba December 20, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Jesus was an anchor baby!!!!

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 20, 2011 at 3:26 pm

I notice that CNS did not mention the ornament depicting two guys from San Francisco using crucifixes to butt fuck each other? How selective in your reporting do you have to get.

Tundra Grifter December 20, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Bull O'Really has his panties in a bunch (again) because the US Congress Franking Committee won't let Congress people mail Merry Christmas cards for free!

Turns out (according to The Washington Times, of all things) there's a "Franking Manual" (love that name! Wouldn't you love to prairiedog in your office and shout "OK – Where's the 'Franking Manual'?") that forbids Holiday cards, birthday cards, anniversary cards, et. al.

Of course, Ole Bull? didn't mention there were "rules." Oh – and who wrote those rules? Probably Congress would be my guess.

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 3:42 pm

But there's no rule against All Hail the Glorious Anti-colonialist Marxist Socialist Saul Alinskyite Revolution cards, is there? Hmmmm…?

Admit it! Conspiracy!

imissopus December 20, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Yeah, all the Teatards who are in their first year in office must be just now finding out about this and throwing temper tantrums. The poor oppressed little snowflakes.

Jukesgrrl December 20, 2011 at 10:47 pm

Tell them the Franking Manual was written by that same magi who brought the Baby Jesus frankingsense.

Tundra Grifter December 21, 2011 at 12:48 pm

One thing we know for sure – Bull O'Really? doesn't make any frankingsense at all.

Always great to hear from you, Jukesgrrl!

Jukesgrrl December 22, 2011 at 8:28 pm

Happy Holidays, TG!

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Wait… Do I understand you correctly? Bill has a bumblebee up his ass because Congresscritters aren't allowed to put their personal mail (greeting cards, etc.) through the office postage meter?

*shakes head*
Sheesh… Guy really needs to get a hobby or something.

Negropolis December 20, 2011 at 11:35 pm

And, here I thought the Franking Committee was when Barney Frank and Al Franken got together and just cold rhetorically tore the GOP a new one.

Tundra Grifter December 21, 2011 at 12:49 pm

NGOP:

OK, let's be Frank…

Biff December 21, 2011 at 12:02 pm

I just got my first mass-mailed piece of crap from my equally piece of crap newly-minted reptard representative. It asked for feedback, so I wrote back that if all he was going to use his franking privelege fore was to spout republican talking points, that he shoud do me and the USPS a favor and drop me from his mailing list. I haven't heard back, but since it's their fervent desire to kill off the USPS, I find it seriously icky for them to use it, for free.

Tundra Grifter December 21, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I'm on some right wing nut mailing lists, and I get these "surveys" (solicitations for donations, of course, but because they ask a bunch of stupid leading questions they book the cost as providing a service than than admin/fund-raising).

I answer all the questions the right way, stuff everything into the reply envelope, and then mail it without postage back to em.

Allmighty_Manos December 20, 2011 at 3:26 pm

If the Christian News Network crack research team bothered to check out the White House christmas tree while they were in DC, they might have noticed the big fucking manger scene 30 feet away. And it had Jesus in there and everything.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Dude, that was Baby Tebow.

weejee December 20, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Did the creche have a pooping Lou Sarah?

chicken_thief December 20, 2011 at 4:33 pm

What color is the little fucker and does he have his long form birth cert with him? If so, who is listed as the father? Mary still trying to pull the "immaculate conception" wool over Jose's eyes?!

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:30 pm

There was an article about "Most Tasteless Holiday Decorations" that had a nativity scene with a brown baby in the manger (about the same hue as the black one of the Three Wise Men) and a very pissed-off looking Joseph.
http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_43_11-tasteles

slowhansolo December 21, 2011 at 12:58 am

See, this why you're always better off just going with a 40-watt bulb…

Generation[redacted] December 20, 2011 at 3:26 pm

I thought Obama was Jesus.

SilverTsunami December 20, 2011 at 5:01 pm

I believe he is Kal-El.

Goonemeritus December 20, 2011 at 3:26 pm

It’s amazing that Barry had the time to De-Christen 2000 Holiday ornaments personally and still fit in 2 rounds of golf a day not to mention overseeing the destruction of America. You just can’t fault his work ethic.

Jukesgrrl December 20, 2011 at 10:48 pm

He has lots of energy … from eating Spam.

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 3:27 pm

This is Cross Warfare!

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 3:50 pm

We're caught in a Cross-fire!

chicken_thief December 20, 2011 at 4:34 pm

You nailed that one, Radio!

jqheywood December 20, 2011 at 5:02 pm

He was just hanging around with nothing else to do…

ShitFilledExistence December 20, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Got a passion for snark, there. Nice execution!

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Haha, it was my crowning of thorns achievement.

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 8:50 pm

"Radio of Ykwene, King of the Spews."

slowhansolo December 21, 2011 at 1:03 am

Time to Golgatha the hammers!

ShitFilledExistence December 20, 2011 at 3:29 pm

They thoughtfully put all the Bleeding-Jesus-on-a-Cross and the I-love-Jesus-so-much-He's-practically-in-my-pussy ornaments further up the tree so the normal folk wouldn't have to deal with that garbage.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 20, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Plus why doesn't CNS talk about the real propaganda going on here: A giant bush in the middle of the Capitol. Isn't that just the Republicans way of doing a shout out to Christine O'Donnell? And we know that when she wasn't a witch, she was Christian. See, problem solved.

Nostrildamus December 20, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Difference is the tree has been trimmed.

CommieLibunatic December 20, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Jesus Fuck, we've got a historically awful congress that can't agree on reality, yet people are worried about this crap?

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 5:23 pm

You're missing the point. If there's no Jesus ornaments then Jesus is going to be sooo pissed & won't deliver gifts this year!

poncho_pilot December 21, 2011 at 2:25 am

will he bring Zwarte Piet Simon Peter along to help?

SorosBot December 20, 2011 at 3:31 pm

For a group that comprises a 70% majority of the country, the Christians really love pretending they're a persecuted minority, and will paint themselves as such no matter how illogical they have to get. They go out of their way to get offended at nothing.

SayItWithWookies December 20, 2011 at 5:20 pm

It's not convincing until they get thrown to the lions. Of course they'll probably have to do it themselves, since those godless liberals don't believe in the death penalty — but if that's the length they need to go to in order to show the world the horrors of living in a secular regime, I'm sure they're willing to put their martyrdom where their mouths are. I'll nominate Bryan Fischer, Pat Robertson, Joel Osteen and that smug sanctimonious shit from Saddleback Church whose name I can't be bothered to remember to be the first bunch.

ThundercatHo December 20, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Yes and the eaten-by-lions event (Lionpalooza?) should be held on a walled NASCAR track because I want to see those fuckers run first.

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:37 pm

^^
^
I think both of you are cruel and hateful!
What have those poor lions ever done to you?

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Getting offended at nothing is the logical leap from believing in something that doesn't exist.

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:35 pm

Help, help; we're being oppressed!
http://www.fanpop.com/spots/atheism/images/238871

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:36 pm

"For a group that comprises a 70% majority of the country, the Christians really love pretending they're a persecuted minority, and will paint themselves as such no matter how illogical they have to get."

We are the majority, therefore we have a right to force our beliefs on everybody.
We are a minority, therefore anybody who doesn't let us force our beliefs on them is persecuting us.

PuckStopsHere December 20, 2011 at 3:31 pm

What's the big deal? Jesus didn't have any Jesus-themed ornaments on his Christmas tree either. In fact, he didn't even have a goddamned tree. For fuck's sake…

mavenmaven December 20, 2011 at 3:39 pm

He would have considered it idolatry, an ashera.

FlyOverGirl December 20, 2011 at 5:05 pm

LOGIC!!!!

DerrickWildcat December 20, 2011 at 3:33 pm

I don't know if this is true or not, but I read somewhere that Obama is going to be a pallbearer for Kim Jong il.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2011 at 3:46 pm

They've probably got him lined up to deliver the eulogy, too.

jus_wonderin December 20, 2011 at 3:46 pm

I heard he was going to give North Korea 5000 American babies to accompany Kim Jong il into the afterlife too.

ThundercatHo December 20, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Let's just send the Duggars. We can tell them it's the Rapture.

Jukesgrrl December 20, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Super-WIN.

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:38 pm

"Let's just send the Duggars."

Thereby improving TWO countries.

Guppy December 20, 2011 at 5:11 pm

And here I thought he'd just ascend bodily just like his daddy.

(Kim, not Barry.)

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 6:34 pm

My god-mother's neighbor's daughter said she heard the pallbearer thing is just a roooze. Obama's actually going to announce that he's the legitimate heir to the commie Silla throne.

And that must be true, because my god-mother's neighbor's daughter goes to UT! She's even a bigshot with the College Republicans for the Restoration of Feudalism!

unclejeems December 20, 2011 at 6:43 pm

She be sippin' more than tea, that tea-sip.

actor212 December 20, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Christmas Trees: Now with 5x more Muslin

BigDumbRedDog December 20, 2011 at 3:34 pm

I'm pretty sure that Christmas trees have nothing to do with Jesus either. So WTF is the problem? Ooooh! I just had a great idea. I want to start a fake movement to get Santa Claus replaced with Jesus Claus and see how many wingnuts I can get to sign up. It's the second most important holiday after Jesusween!

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 5:30 pm

It won't work. As major scholars have pointed out, if you rearranged the letters in "Santa" you get "Satan."

Biel_ze_Bubba December 20, 2011 at 6:51 pm

It seemed like a good idea at the time … I didn't think "Satan Claws" woud catch on.

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:41 pm

"if you rearranged the letters in "Santa" you get "Satan.""

AND they both wear red suits!
Coincidence?? I think not.

Jukesgrrl December 20, 2011 at 10:53 pm

This idea is fuckin' GOLDEN. Don't give it away for free!

Biff December 21, 2011 at 12:15 pm

The story of SantaWeen, my new favorite parable!

LettucePrey December 20, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Enough is enough! We have a Kenyan socialist Muslim dictator president and a Congress of secular radical atheists and teachers unions are practicing sharia law death panels!!

Wait, where was I? Oh, look, shiny tree!!

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 20, 2011 at 3:37 pm

You know who did place Jesus on a tree?

MOG2410 December 20, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Herod or Pontius Pilate, depending on what your Sunday School teacher told you.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 20, 2011 at 6:52 pm

It was the juice!

comrad_darkness December 20, 2011 at 3:59 pm

White people?

Come here a minute December 20, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Hitler!

Mumbletypeg December 20, 2011 at 4:25 pm

oh… now I see how we got Christ-on-a-Crutch…

jqheywood December 20, 2011 at 5:05 pm

That's Jesus H. Christ on a crutch!

ShitFilledExistence December 20, 2011 at 11:51 pm

I thought He was on a cracker. Or grilled cheese.

chicken_thief December 20, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Every orchard owner in the US during picking season?

jqheywood December 20, 2011 at 5:05 pm

FTW!

arihaya December 20, 2011 at 6:32 pm

the Muslins?

doloras December 20, 2011 at 7:17 pm

The cops. FTP.

Negligently_Joe December 20, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Sheriff Joe Arpaio?

If anyone was gonna say it, it was going to be me, wasn't it?

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 21, 2011 at 9:14 pm

But you are right. Jesus wasn't from around these parts, were he? And I bet he didn't have a green card either.

ChernobylSoup December 20, 2011 at 3:37 pm

To make it worse, none of the squirrels living in the tree before it was cut down were born again. Now they're all burning in hell.

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Little known fact: All the squirrels sent to squirrel hell spend eternity in doggie heaven.

GOPCrusher December 20, 2011 at 4:49 pm

What about the ones the Mormons baptized?

mavenmaven December 20, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Because White Guy Jesus hung up all over the place would remind the Black people in the White House that they aren't really Merikins or something? Who can figure out just what these morons want?

comrad_darkness December 20, 2011 at 3:58 pm

They want to be righteous. Actual circumstances are meaningless.

SudsMcKenzie December 21, 2011 at 1:32 pm

gift cards?

weejee December 20, 2011 at 3:39 pm

I think Xtian Newz Service is suffering from acute tinsellitis. Obvs, they need moar wassail.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 20, 2011 at 3:39 pm

When will people learn. The war on Christmas will never end until we are willing to go nuclear!

jus_wonderin December 20, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Yes, these half-hearted attempts at this "war" are just a wasted effort. Don't we have some nifty future tech that can vaporize Christmas from space???

Generation[redacted] December 20, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Are you suggesting a preemptive strike on the North Pole?

actor212 December 20, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Every time a bell rings, Magic Johnson gets his wings.

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Sorry, but I hate "It's A Wonderful Life". That line "every time a bell rings, an angel gets it's wings…" always annoyed the hell out of me.
No, it's just a fucking bell ringing, okay?

Merry Christmas!

DalePues December 20, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Horses delivered the tree, all the way from wherever: http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2011/11/25/white-h

prommie December 20, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Help, help, I'm being oppressed! Help me, help save the most oppressed minority in the USA, the white christian male.

jus_wonderin December 20, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Ya know, with all their protestations you think they'd just, well, maybe, pray about it. And, DOESN'T GOD HEAR THEIR PRAYERS???!!!

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Now in the old days they would just ask, and all us Wonketters would get eaten by bears. But not in this age of Deus Absconditus. So take that, fundies. Go on up you baldheads!

Generation[redacted] December 20, 2011 at 5:38 pm

If we all were simultaneously eaten by bears at our desks (extra points for any bear using the elevator to get here), and our bosses saw the bloody remains and a wonkette window open on the computer (causing them to posthumously fire us) then I might concede a point to the fundies.

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:45 pm

So, then, what you're saying is that we should all go to the bakery and get delicious bear claws, and eat them *pre-emptively* at our desks with coffee?
I see nothing to object to there.

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Your forgot the ladies auxiliary of that bunch. They've joined the chorus of complaints (after they've asked their husbands' permission to do so, of course).

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:46 pm

"the ladies auxiliary of that bunch. They've joined the chorus of complaints"

*clutches pearls*
Won't someone PLEASE think of the children??!

Biel_ze_Bubba December 20, 2011 at 6:55 pm

The more we hear from those fuckers, the more I think they really do deserve to be opressed, suppressed, and repressed.

Jukesgrrl December 20, 2011 at 10:56 pm

That makes sense to me, duz it to yeeeew?

HarryButtle December 20, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Did someone send them a pooping Sarah Palin?

ManchuCandidate December 20, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Or it could be that Jeebus = Obama?

I'm pretty sure the Romans were upset about Jeebus' birf certificate and origins just like many of these white fat Xtian cranks are about O'bammer.

SorosBot December 20, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I am very offended the White House is not honoring the true meaning of the Yule tree and sacrificing prisoners to Odin before it, dismembering them and hanging their remains on the tree.

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Let's not give Jules and Cassie any ideas.

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 2:16 am

For nine days, amirite?

starfanglednut December 21, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Now that's a holiday I could get behind.

BlueStateLibel December 20, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I once put up a U.S. Military Police Xmas Tree Ornament in deference to a good guy in the family, but it got me wondering – do the CIA and Homeland Security also have official Xmas Tree Ornaments? What could they possibly look like?

ManchuCandidate December 20, 2011 at 3:47 pm

One is a can of pepper spray and the other is a bug that spies on you.

Steverino247 December 20, 2011 at 4:01 pm

The CIA ornament looks just like the others so you can't tell which one it is. The Homeland Security ornament is dull and blue in color, like most of the staff.

SayItWithWookies December 20, 2011 at 4:04 pm

The Homeland Security ornament is pretty ugly, but it's kept us safe since 9/11.

Generation[redacted] December 20, 2011 at 4:46 pm

It's really nothing more than all the other previously-used ornaments hastily glued together.

jus_wonderin December 20, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Does the TSA ornament have the ability to measure my manhood with comic outlines and fuzzy interiors?

Jukesgrrl December 20, 2011 at 10:59 pm

The Homeland Security ornament: It's made out of duct tape and plastic sheeting. And it changes color.

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 11:06 pm

If you ask me, it's a piece of junk.

Guppy December 20, 2011 at 5:12 pm

They have an uncanny resemblance to severed ears.

Negropolis December 20, 2011 at 11:45 pm

The CIA ornament is shaped like an eight ball, if you know what I mean.

KeepFnThatChicken December 20, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Maybe you didn't hear us back in 2008: WE LIKE BARRY MORE THAN JESUS.

These fucking people…

MzNicky December 20, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Just be glad Barry never said, à la John Lennon, that he was more popular than Jesus. Bein' a Tennessee gal, you know what I mean. A-stompin' all over and a-burnin' copies of "Dreams from my Father," amirite?

poncho_pilot December 21, 2011 at 2:33 am

i figured they already burned all the copies of that book in Tennessee.

WhatTheHeck December 20, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Those fools are ‘barking’ up the wrong tree.
Don’t they know the White House Christmas tree needs to be watered with the Articles of the Constitution?

fartknocker December 20, 2011 at 3:47 pm

True story: At Christmas we would decorate the tree inside the fire station with DOT hazmat labels along with firefighter-themed ornaments. During a station tour an older gentleman with a bronze cross on his collar asked why we didnt' have a manger or any depictions of Jesus. Being the officer in charge, I stated that we're a nondenominational fire station and our muslim, jewish and christian members accept the tree as one way of celebrating the holiday. We have one member who is an aetheist but he has no problem with the tree. He looked me square in the face and said "this is nothing but a den of satan," turned around and walked out.

Maybe I met a writer for the Christian News Service.

MightySix December 20, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Or just the kind of a-hole who likes going around finding things to get pissed off about.

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Or someone who's unwilling to think that anyone wouldn't believe in the One True Sky Daddy.

GOPCrusher December 20, 2011 at 4:51 pm

On the other hand "Den Of Satan" would make a great bar name.

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Yeah. I like it. With the poker room in the back called "Nest of Thieves".

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 2:19 am

Gadianton Robbers.

succalina December 20, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Did it take you 2 hours to get to his burning house because you were all praying to god/jeebus for directions?

poncho_pilot December 20, 2011 at 5:25 pm

"sure. we'll put out the fire destroying your home but only after you say, 'Hail, Satan.' louder. i can't hear you."

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 5:49 pm

If he had just prayed harder, his house would have never burned down to begin with.

Pithaughn December 20, 2011 at 5:53 pm

I'm sorry, but your use of the descriptor "gentleman" is not accurate. I was raised to never insult those who one day might be pulling my child's ass out of a fire, storm water grate or a Xrishtun cult.

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Solstice = Satan Claus.

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:54 pm

"He looked me square in the face and said "this is nothing but a den of satan," turned around and walked out."

I hope the crap shack where he lives catches fire *on Christmas Eve* *from all his gaudy Walmart Christmas decorations*, and he has to call you guys for help.

donner_froh December 20, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Translation of the delightful bureaucratic answer:

Fuck You Christian weirdos. We got work to do.

not that Dewey December 20, 2011 at 4:22 pm

And I'd have a hard time believing that the US Forest Service has a form letter for such occasions – the question and answer seem too specific. Somebody wrote those sentiments that you delightfully paraphrased in this letter, specifically in response to the weirdos.

chicken_thief December 20, 2011 at 4:42 pm

I like that they continuously referred to it as a "Christmas tree", too. Also.

poncho_pilot December 20, 2011 at 5:37 pm

fuck you, christian weirdos, marching as to war.
jesus on a cross? that's what you're bothering me for?
christ, you're a royal pain. tits or get the fuck out*
go forward! into traffic! hear these dimwits shout.

*gtfo

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 2:20 am

Nice reverse.

poncho_pilot December 21, 2011 at 2:35 am

thanks! in honor of Cassie, i dub it the Reverse Cow Girl.

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 5:50 pm

No words are needed for the proper response. Just a look of "Seriously?"

tessiee December 21, 2011 at 12:01 am

"There is no selection process to determine which ornaments were to be placed on the Capitol Christmas Tree and which were not based on theme or content. … the Capitol Grounds crew has to decorate a 65-foot tree in a matter of days"

Yeah, really. Like they have the time, inclination, or energy to check through thousands of ornaments to make sure they're religious enough to suit some Joe Random who they've never met, who's never going to see the tree, and who, in any case, would complain about any decorations on any tree that President Muslin put up.

spends2much December 20, 2011 at 3:49 pm

When the Magi brought ornaments to Jesus to decorate his pine tree, what was the theme? That's how we started this ultra-Christian tree decorating tradition, right?

Steverino247 December 20, 2011 at 3:50 pm

You celebrate the birth of the savior you have, not the savior you wish you had.

Come here a minute December 20, 2011 at 4:18 pm

On a related note, nobody could have predicted that schoolchildren wouldn't make their Christmas tree decorations with a Jesus theme.

Generation[redacted] December 20, 2011 at 4:45 pm

(rolls eyes) I believe the title of the memo was, "Obama determined to decorate tree."

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 10:50 pm

We don't want the smoked turkey to have a mushroom-apple stuffing. Remember, the only lingering resistance we face is in those regions where Hot Pockets of dead-enders are trying to reconstitute dried porcinis.

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 7:13 pm

A Christmas Rumsfeld Cookie.

SorosBot December 20, 2011 at 11:54 pm

It's Christmastime, so we should be worshiping whoever managed to make the best Christmas TV special ever; therefore, we should all worship Pee-Wee Herman: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7mFd3nuPRU

Or else, Jim Henson: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtgYDpvRCMI

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 3:51 pm

These Xians need to watch what they wish for.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_REjQQ5OAUrM/Sx0_5osmOuI

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Oddly, I think many of them would thoroughly approve.

SayItWithWookies December 20, 2011 at 3:52 pm

I, for one, am glad to see Christmas ornaments that celebrate someone who actually exists.

sbj1964 December 20, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Jesus Themed . Like a Miniature Roman torture device lower case ( t) .

Steverino247 December 20, 2011 at 3:55 pm

While we're talking about past decorations…

When I was in Korea many years ago, we took red and green colored condoms out of the box at the front gate of our camp, unrolled and thumbtacked them up on the walls of our quonset hut. Best Christmas display ever.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Not related to Christmas, but there's a whole generation of Korean women out there who think American men have green or red dicks.

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Did they glow in the dark? And were they "Ribbed – For Her Pleasure"?

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 5:55 pm

One year I had, as a tree topper, a pic of Divine.
Yeah, I'll go to hell. But at least I'll be in good company.

tessiee December 21, 2011 at 12:03 am

Well, it's… sort of a religious sounding name, anyway.

Steverino247 December 20, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Gotta respond to these.

Most troopers returned with the same handful of condoms they took on the way out. Thus, the medics were busy. I didn't touch anything while I was there (believe it or not) because resistant strains were a very real possibility, plus smallpox scars are a real turn off for me. They were not ribbed, nor did they glow in the dark, (but I've seen that movie scene in "Skin Deep" and it was very funny). We had a photo of some sleazy looking local girl dressed only in a feather boa displaying her well-worn "equipment" above the door to our squad leader's room. Some wag signed it "To the boys of the First Platoon, Love Miss Suzy" Most condoms were used as part of elaborate gags. You unroll one, spritz some shaving cream in it and leave it on somebody else's bunk for them to discover in the dark. Much hilarity ensued. Bored soldiers far from home are your best source of entertainment.

imissopus December 21, 2011 at 1:00 am

I think that's what Rick Santorum is afraid of.

comrad_darkness December 20, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Dear CNS, your martyrdom, you wear it well. Congratulations. Now, please adjust your medications.

chascates December 20, 2011 at 4:00 pm

At least the tree isn't decorated with syringes and condoms like the Clintons used to do. http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/812710/pos

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Man, I'd never actually read that before – Freepers will believe anything! The guy clearly knew his audience. But my favorite moment was:

"Aside from displaying, …,self-mutilation devices on the White House Christmas tree…"

Can't have those self-mutilation devices on the tree. That's why we need to festoon it with scale models of one of the most horrific torture devices ever used in the whole of human history. [And we should count ourselves lucky, since the faithful haven't (yet) started hanging scourges, spears and nails dripping gore and sponges of vinegar on poles among the other festive decorations.]

Generation[redacted] December 20, 2011 at 4:44 pm

I'm waiting for "Part 2: In which I carry out the Clintons' orders to kill Vince Foster."

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 4:51 pm

No snark addendum: That stuff is must-read material for anyone who thinks that the Right of today is somehow unusually deranged on the topic of Obama. Those Freep threads on Bill and Hillary display every bit as much credulity, lunacy and pure, raw unchecked spittle-spewing hatred as their Obama threads show today. In some cases more.

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 6:06 pm

A bit related but mostly off-topic:
Kathleen Willey lives & works in Powhatan County, VA now, not too far from my town of Richmond. Back in 2007 she was still claiming that she was being followed/monitored by people working for the Clintons. I have heard rumors that she has increasingly become even more paranoid since then. An acquaintance of mine used to be an organist at the church she'd attend here in the West End. The consensus among the congregation was that she was a bit "off" in the head.
Too bad that even Hitchens fell for the delusions produced by whatever mental illness she has.

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 2:26 am

Yeah. It's not that they're not racist, it's that they can be almost as incandescently shitheaded just because the President is a Democrat.

Negropolis December 21, 2011 at 6:53 am

Which is all true. But, it was also true that they were firmly seen as the fringe, then. Sure, they eventually got an attempted impeachment out of Clinton, but that was only because they caught him boldface lying.

SayItWithWookies December 20, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Don't be so sure — have you seen Mel Gibson's tree yet?

Naithom December 20, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Couldn't they have fixed the problem by making and sending ornaments themselves?

natoslug December 20, 2011 at 4:08 pm

The tree's been anally crucified to keep it standing there, so why the fuck does it need MORE Jesus theming?

Pres.Libunatic December 20, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Anyone remember the wingnut book by a wingnut former Seekrit Service officer who claimed that the Clinton Xmas Tree had crack spoons and syringes on it?

HedonismBot December 20, 2011 at 7:42 pm

No, but now you got me interested. Go on….

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 11:57 pm

That was the year DC got to decorate the tree, according to noted Racial Healing expert Cassie Wright, who went on to explain, "[That's] because Negros do drugs a lot…If you’re offended by my use of a stereotype then gtfo [get the f*** out].”

ttommyunger December 21, 2011 at 12:54 pm

I remember him as a lisping pussyfart, hawking his book. His name escapes me, thankfully.

Dashboard Buddha December 20, 2011 at 4:10 pm

You know who else was durable and waterproof?

Negligently_Joe December 20, 2011 at 4:14 pm

The Aqua Buddha?

Dashboard Buddha December 20, 2011 at 4:21 pm

oooo…nicely played. I hadn't thought of him.

SayItWithWookies December 20, 2011 at 4:26 pm

St. Crispin?

Then Rictius Varius commanded to hang on their necks millstones, and in the winter time, under the ice in the river of Anxion to be drowned, but the water might not drown them ne the stones make them to sink, ne the cold constrain ne hurt them, but as they had bained and washen them in summer time, they throwing away the burthen of stones, arrived and came to that other brink of the river.

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Ah, thanks. I always wondered who St. Crispin was. A fitting patron for the few, the happy few, the band of brothers.

littlebigdaddy December 20, 2011 at 7:32 pm

That's from The Holy Grail, right?

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 2:28 am

Wait, does that make him a witch? Or a duck?

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Lloyd Bridges?

GOPCrusher December 20, 2011 at 4:53 pm

* golf clap *

SorosBot December 20, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Aquaman?

MightySix December 20, 2011 at 4:40 pm

The Loch Ness "Monster"?

tessiee December 21, 2011 at 12:07 am

What's with the quotation marks? Nessie's my cousin.

Nopantsmcgee December 20, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Not Natalie Wood.

Steverino247 December 20, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Although I heard once that she needed what Grace Kelly had–a good stroke.

Generation[redacted] December 20, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Timothy Treadwell? (though sadly he wasn't bear-proof)

chicken_thief December 20, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Spongebob?

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 5:08 pm

The Wolf Packs?

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Darryl Hannah?

Dashboard Buddha December 20, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Mmmmm…Darryl Hannah.

flamingpdog December 20, 2011 at 10:36 pm

If I could ask for and receive any single thing before I die, it would be a Darryl Hannah job.

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Osama Bin Laden?

Dashboard Buddha December 20, 2011 at 6:29 pm

I would say that OBL is neither waterproof nor durable. In fact, i would say that he's pretty much crab shit at this point.

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 6:38 pm

But don't ya know he's really still alive according to some theories? I read that after he was "killed" he was spotted swimming in the Red Sea to get to Saudi Arabia. His "death" was just another made up story so Obama will be re-elected in 2012.

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Obama/Osama '12

littlebigdaddy December 20, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Sarah Palin?

flamingpdog December 20, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Donald Duck?

tessiee December 21, 2011 at 12:06 am

Jacques Cousteau?

Negropolis December 21, 2011 at 6:55 am

18th century "witches"? Well, at least least those that didn't drown, and then only up to their inevitable hanging.

meatlofer December 20, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Same thing happened during the Van Buren administration.That Martin was a godless fuck.

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 4:26 pm

What did they expect? That's what they got for electing someone not of British descent. You'd think they'd have learned, but then they turned around and elected Roosevelt. You should have seen all the fornicating moose and prophylactics on Teddy's tree. Not to mention all the "Rough Riders", if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

flamingpdog December 20, 2011 at 10:40 pm

DId you see Teddy Bare by the Christmas tree?

chicken_thief December 20, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Newt the Historian – that you?!

YasserArraFeck December 20, 2011 at 4:17 pm

It's not the lack of Jesus ornaments that really frosts the JesusFreaks' balls, it's the fact that there's a 65 foot tree with no nigras danglin' off it – dang waste of a dang good lynchin' tree.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Billie Holliday singing "Strange Ornaments" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 6:16 pm

Oh…pfft! Any good racist knows that pines don't make for good lynchin' trees.

Mumbletypeg December 20, 2011 at 4:20 pm

The tree started off with a whole boatload of Christmasy /"Adeste Fideles" / Joyeux Noël themed ornaments but someone let an undernourished Rick Perry too close to the display, he "nibbled around" at their edges til they spelled "hissy," "Fidel" and "oye" — none of which, obvs, fit the description of our venerable King of Kings.

sbj1964 December 20, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Fundamentalist They take the Fun out,and add the Mental.Christmas has nothing to do with Jesus's birthday it was a Pagan Roman Holiday. Happy Saturnalia ! The winter solstices celebration. So throw a Yule log on the firer,and sit in front of your Holiday tree.And enjoy !

flamingpdog December 20, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Yesterday my daughter the Mormon convert posted on Facebook that she didn't care if her Xmas presents were late because Jesus wasn't really born on December 25 anyway. One of these days I'm going to get up the courage to ask what what the heck was she thinking when she became a Xian.

x111e7thst December 20, 2011 at 4:22 pm

I would rather think about Barney Frank's nipples, thank you very much.

Antispandex December 20, 2011 at 4:24 pm

I think they should DEMAND that Jesus be represented on that symbol of paganism!

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 4:38 pm

And a crucified Santa too.

Nopantsmcgee December 20, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Where are the Trucknutz ornaments sent in by Wonkette for the national Christmasween tree?

HarryButtle December 20, 2011 at 4:42 pm

I think I've got to call "bullshit" on that official response. Nobody screening the ornaments? Pull the other one. If they didn’t have somebody keeping an eye on it, we’d surely have ornaments from the Klan’s “Holiday Strange Fruit” series adorning that tree.

sbj1964 December 20, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Christians have stolen,or usurped every Pagan Holiday,Easter where do you think the rabbit,and eggs came from.Spring the rebirth of the land, fertility symbols.The only original Christian holiday is all saints day,or Halloween as it is known today.Turn around is fair play I guess.

Guppy December 20, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Pagans shouldn't flatter themselves so much. Easter is more about co-opting a Jewish holiday than anything else.

Unless, of course, Passover is itself a vast anti-Pagan conspiracy…

sbj1964 December 20, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Incorrect Sir, Passover,and Easter have nothing in common .Passover just happens to fall near the Easter holiday.One is Jewish the other Pagan/Christian. That's like saying Christmas ,and new Years day are the same.But nice try.And the Easter celebration has been around a lot longer than Jesus.

Guppy December 20, 2011 at 5:53 pm

It's the Twenty-First Century; it's not that hard to run a search for the term "Passover" in the canonical Gospels. Maintaining the link to Passover is the entire reason why Easter wanders throughout the (Roman) calendar to begin with, trying to keep it the first Sunday after Nisan 14.

If you're going to hate on Christianity, at least get it right.

sbj1964 December 20, 2011 at 6:28 pm

Your reading comprehension is not that good is it?The Easter cerebration per-dates Jesus by thousands of years it was usurped by Christians.Google it if you don't believe me.Wiki :History of Easter. Get that right.

poncho_pilot December 20, 2011 at 4:46 pm

i have to spend X-mas at the home of some wingnuts this year. maybe this article will give me a dinner conversation topic.

HedonismBot December 20, 2011 at 7:45 pm

Going to stay with my brother and his winger wife next month. Steeling myself for the uncomfortable political conversations I plan to studiously avoid, if I know what's good for me. January in Wyoming is neither the time nor place to be kicked out onto the street. Wish me luck.

flamingpdog December 20, 2011 at 10:49 pm

Be sure to wear lots of ankle-weights just in case you do get kicked out onto the street. You don't want to be found in northeast Colorado the next day.

poncho_pilot December 21, 2011 at 2:52 am

yes! good luck! is it hard to maintain a semblance of neutrality without seeming like you're silently judging them? i find i have that problem.

luckily for me the wife agreed to us leaving before football starts at 7pm or something. then we can just drink at home.

HedonismBot December 21, 2011 at 10:54 am

It's more my brother's wife than it is my brother. My bro is conservative, but not rabidly so. My bro is, as always, Mr. Reasonable. That can be a little maddening also, I'll admit.
And my sister-in-law is such a smart lady, I don't know why she believes the things she does. She's a birther to boot.
I'll spend my downtime playing with their kids, and trying to secretly indoctrinate them with my librul soshulist ways.

poncho_pilot December 26, 2011 at 5:50 am

haha! your last sentence is relevant to my experience this evening:

"oh, you got tired of the socialist indoctrination from Obama in Madison and moved to Milwaukee?" –wingnut friend's father-in-law

"yeah. i decided ugly and miserable racists were better company." –from Poncho's unspoken thoughts

Neoyorquino December 20, 2011 at 4:54 pm

And here I thought Mrs. Neoyorquino was the only person in possession of five thousand ornaments.

vtxmcrider December 20, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Shit, I didn't even think of Jesus. I sent a set of wonderful, shiny TruckNutz.

fitley December 20, 2011 at 4:56 pm

I'm so upset that the ornament that I donated (Rush Limbaugh in a Santa suit having sex with Sean Hannity in an elf costume) didn't get used. Bummer.

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 6:20 pm

It was probably way too heavy.

SilverTsunami December 20, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Like the Holy Roman Empire, which is not holy, nor roman, nor an empire, apparently Christian News Service is not particularly Christian, nor about "news;" nor does it provide a service. Trifecta!

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 2:45 am

Well done.

Negropolis December 21, 2011 at 6:58 am

Charlemagne Libel!

prommie December 20, 2011 at 5:00 pm

It suddenly struck me that in my 50 years on this earth, I don't recall ever decorating a Christmas tree with Jesus ornaments. I don't recall my parents ever decorating a tree all Jesus-ey either. Trees get lights and balls and tinsel. The creche over on the console TV, thats where we had Jesus. Jesus never had anything to do with the tree.

I must have been raised by secret muslims.

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 5:04 pm

prommie the godless commie
#CassieWright

jqheywood December 20, 2011 at 5:19 pm

…had a very shiny nose…

jus_wonderin December 20, 2011 at 5:12 pm

I am pointing at you, mouth agape, emiting my podperson scream.

littlebigdaddy December 20, 2011 at 7:34 pm

I had a similar experience growing up. TV Jeebus!

Jukesgrrl December 20, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Are you and Prommie my brothers?!?!

Bluestatelibel December 20, 2011 at 7:37 pm

I suggest you turn your parents into the Dept. of Homeland Security. Immediately.

Steverino247 December 20, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Jesus is the reason for the cancelled season.

tessiee December 21, 2011 at 12:14 am

OK, I don't have a problem with TV Jesus, but what I don't get is the neighbor who had the *life-size* Nativity scene on his front lawn, AND the Santa, sleigh, and reindeer on the roof, AND lawn flamingos. I mean, that can't be right, can it?

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 2:46 am

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds. Bring on the motherfucking flamingos.

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 5:04 pm

What's the big fucking deal? I've seen Star Wars Christmas ornaments at Target & that offends me much more.

SorosBot December 20, 2011 at 5:08 pm

What, you don't want to celebrate Life Day?

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 6:26 pm

As a pious Christian, no. Life Day is just another pagan holiday like Labor Day.

Dashboard Buddha December 20, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Is that the day where we circle around the holiday fetus tree and sing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life"?

SorosBot December 20, 2011 at 8:11 pm

No; it's the day Carrie Fisher gets strung out on cocaine and sings the Life Day carol to the tune of the main Star Wars theme while the Wookies are performing some weird psychedelic ceremony. Oh and we see Chewbacca's father watching holographic porn.

Doktor Zoom December 20, 2011 at 8:46 pm

On the 2010 television program Times Talk, New York Times columnist David Carr asked Carrie Fisher about the Holiday Special; she said that she made George Lucas give her a copy of the Special in exchange for recording DVD commentary for the Star Wars films. She added that she shows it at parties, "mainly at the end of the night when she wants people to leave."

–Wiki (not wookiee) Pedia

mavenmaven December 20, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Especially the Jar Jar Biggs one.

Blueb4sunrise December 20, 2011 at 5:13 pm

I made an ornament of Kortney and her cuke.

Actually, I'm not much of a crafts person, so it kinda looks like one of those experiments where an octopus figures out how to open a soda bottle, but the spirit is still there.

owhatever December 20, 2011 at 5:16 pm

The politically correct National Forest Service tree decorators actually operate more along the lines of "Hank, put this fuckin' purple ornament somewhere."

Jukesgrrl December 20, 2011 at 11:17 pm

At my house it's "Fuck, is this thing ugly. Hang it in the back."

MzNicky December 20, 2011 at 5:19 pm

What kind of Christmas tree ornaments are "about Jesus," anyway? Little Easter eggs? Glitter-crusted crucifixes? BAAAMMMP! Wrong holy day, not to mention in bad taste. So, you got your Joseph, your Mary, your li'l baby Jesus in the manger, maybe a donkey or two, a couple of sheep — yeah, real festive theme to work with, right there. What about the pretty sparkly stars? Because of following the "Star of Wonder Star of Light" thing? Isn't that Baby Jesus-y enough for you snivel-y faux-outraged soreheads who have to just go and ruin everything, even schoolchildren's handmade decorations for our national goddam Christmas tree? Yeah, merry fucking holidays to you too, you whiny bunch of blow-tards.

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Well said, especially considering the whole Cross symbolism is nothing more than S & M worship. What kind of father would let their (only begotten, nonetheless) son be tortured by some pagans??!? I'm glad he wasn't my dad. Father Radio was actually quite a cool, gentle giant kind of character who listened to my atheistic ramblings and accepted me for who I was.

MzNicky December 20, 2011 at 7:34 pm

I always thought the nearly-naked, way-buff Jesus on the Cross was some sort of sexual fetish.

comrad_darkness December 20, 2011 at 10:26 pm

I thought that when I was seven.

tessiee December 21, 2011 at 12:17 am

Because that's what you want in a deity — six-pack abs.
Now, Buddha…

MzNicky December 20, 2011 at 7:44 pm

And also: "What kind of father would let their (only begotten, nonetheless) son be tortured by some pagans??!?"

Reminds me of the classic non sequitur from National Lampoon's "Radio Dinner" album (circa 1972, for all you whippersnappers): "What do you expect from a God who would crucify his own son?"

tessiee December 21, 2011 at 12:18 am

"the whole Cross symbolism is nothing more than S & M worship"

Good thing the cruxifixion took place in 33 AD instead of nowadays, or the xians would have to wear teensy-weensy electric chairs around their necks.

comrad_darkness December 20, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Every year I have the same problem. Last year I discovered by accident, probably due to my frequenting wonkette, that having one tale after another of sordid republican sex scandals stories always got the topic back onto meaningless weather and holiday decorations.

Jughead2130 December 20, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Maybe the party of family values would prefer a tree decorated with dildos and lube for their gay sexcapades.

Jukesgrrl December 20, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Don't forget the diapers.

fuflans December 20, 2011 at 5:21 pm

that french gay pride frog thingee is pretty lame to be honest.

Loaded_Pants December 20, 2011 at 6:28 pm

gay pride frog, LIBEL!

Yes, I'm still not tired of that "LIBEL!" label.

HedonismBot December 20, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Yeah, but a little kid made it. Cut 'em some slack.
Kids can make anything – ANYTHING – and people gush about wonderful it is. Babies make doody, and their parents say "awww, isn't that so cuuuuuute!"

MzNicky December 20, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Only in the first two to three weeks.

poncho_pilot December 20, 2011 at 7:36 pm

ding ding! here comes the shitmobile.
http://thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule

Jukesgrrl December 20, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Maybe it's a reference to the plague of frogs in the film Magnolia. That takes place in California.

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 5:26 pm

the U.S. Forest Service office in Tuolumne County, Calif…. was responsible for securing the tree

Why'd they need to do that? Was the tree trying to run away or something?

Blueb4sunrise December 20, 2011 at 5:50 pm

UofO,
Glad that you saw through this charade just like I did. That's what they want us to believe! The REAL tree is being held in an underground bunker in either Portland ,OR., or Cambridge, MA. The tree that made it to the WH is a Manchurian Tree!!!!!!!

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 6:35 pm

First they came for the conifers….

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 2:50 am

Wouldn't you run? They were coming at it with motherfucking chainsaws.

user-of-owls December 21, 2011 at 11:34 am

Fucking pussy trees these days. Fucker was probably smuggling spotted owls.

Wait…

Run Forest, Tree, run!

fuflans December 20, 2011 at 5:28 pm

sorry, ot, but jesus christ i hate hate hate this fucking do nothing waste of space congress. hearing them talk is like hearing the news feed from pyongyang.

Generation[redacted] December 20, 2011 at 5:40 pm

It does make me weep loudly in the streets while pounding the pavement with my fist, so, yeah. Dear Orange Leader.

ChernobylSoup December 20, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Except when Radio WPRK says they will destroy America, they don't really mean it.

slowhansolo December 21, 2011 at 1:59 am

Do nothing? Shit, didn't they just pass the NDAA?

MrHandsomeSays December 20, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Mmmmm. What about the TruckNutz?

BarackMyWorld December 20, 2011 at 5:41 pm

As a non-Christian, I just don't give a fuck.

HedonismBot December 20, 2011 at 7:05 pm

As a Christian, I don't give a fuck.

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 2:52 am

As an agnostic, I like Tannenbaume, because they have nothing to to with Christianity. (and that should be an a-umlaut, but I'm too lazy).

sbj1964 December 20, 2011 at 5:42 pm

The only decoration I would like to see hanging from a tree is The U.S. Congress.Every last one of them.

Limeylizzie December 20, 2011 at 5:49 pm
MzNicky December 20, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Yeah. Where are the Miss Poppy Dixon's fetus-with-a-machine-gun xmas ornaments when you really need them?

SayItWithWookies December 21, 2011 at 12:15 am

Wow — it really is Jesusween!

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 2:54 am

What is that? The Holy-Plugging Trinity?

anniegetyerfun December 20, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Now THIS is a crazy coincidence; all of the porn that I watch pays homage to Obama, but not Jesus, too! I mean, either!

SayItWithWookies December 21, 2011 at 12:19 am

You clearly haven't been looking hard enough — There's O Cum All Ye Faithful, there's The Savior Does Sodom, and the one about Jesus, Mary Magdalene and the corpse of John the Baptist titled Three Heads and a Lady.

anniegetyerfun December 20, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Funny, I thought that CNSNews.com readers would be happy to see Obama hanging from a tree.

finallyhappy December 20, 2011 at 6:12 pm

Yeah, a real war on Christmas. First I pass a district court house- with a gigantic christmas tree. a Christmas tree even without crosses and baby Jebus- is Christian. Then in the Federal government building where I work(in a manner of speaking), three huge Christmas trees and tons of wreaths. How the hell is there a war on Christmas when the gov't buildings are full of Christmas symbols and music(well, in our store)?

Toomush_Infer December 20, 2011 at 6:16 pm

I've been looking at all the video I can find, and I still can't see the TruckNutz I sent…. is this racist, Xtian or just plain bigotry?…

Bluestatelibel December 20, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Sorry to hear that, but I was pleasantly surprised to see that my Cthulu ornament made it! http://static.artfire.com/admin/product_images/th

DerrickWildcat December 20, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Hey, you guys, I found this pretty cool Tim Tebow Christmas Card that you could put on the tree.
http://www.ebay.com/itm/Broncos-Tim-Tebow-5-Chris

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2011 at 7:13 pm

For 150 smackeroos, it better come with a lock of hair and a used jockstrap.

tessiee December 21, 2011 at 12:22 am

"For 150 smackeroos, it better come with a lock of hair and a used jockstrap."

I have no idea who Tim Tebow is, but for 150 bucks, it better have a *tongue* in it!

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 7:23 pm

He's just waiting to do the circumcision with a pair of bandage scissors.

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 7:36 pm

OMIGOD! No wonder Tebow looks so somber in that illustration. He fumbled the baby Jesus!

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 9:05 pm

Srsly, Chich, that was close, but this is actually an evidence based, scientific pediatric phenomenon: Babies Bounce!
Maybe big daddy in the sky would have interceded if Teblow had tried to pass the baby Jesus.

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 10:19 pm

OK, you've got a point. My original thought was just that the artist was presenting the baby Jesus in mid-bounce, but there's that manger thing to account for. It must be that that is a rudimentary, Roman era version of the cart that wheels away seriously injured players. You can see that the trainers are worried about possible spinal damage, since they've completely immobilized the baby Jesus, but if you look closely you can see he's giving the "thumbs up" signal to the crowd, to assure them that he still has feeling and movement in his extremities.

So I stand by my original hypothesis: Tebow fumbled the baby Jesus. This is a picture of the aftermath. Book it.

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 10:23 pm

Childrens Protective Services, the United Nations and Westboro Fucking Baptist Church would have interceded if Teblow had tried to pass the baby Jesus.

SorosBot December 20, 2011 at 10:40 pm

But all the sports analysts have told me that Tebow is the greatest quarterback ever, because, despite being bad by all objective criteria, and on a team saved by the combination of a great defense, kicker and an easy schedule – he "just wins", and his lack of actual passing is offset by how rarely he turns the ball over, and never in a critical situation…

Jukesgrrl December 20, 2011 at 11:37 pm

That's why they're called analysts. They analyzed and that's what they came up with. You didn't expect actual thinking about statistics to go with that, didya?

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Meh, call me when you find a Gronk-ukkah Card.

flamingpdog December 20, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Goddamnit! Most Wonketeers only have to worry about moving to France or New Zealand when Newt becomes the next Presnit. I have to worry about moving from the square state when Tebow becomes the next fucking Jeesuz!

sbj1964 December 20, 2011 at 6:41 pm

You know I am not a religious man,but when I do pray I know SUPERMAN can hear me.Sent to earth by his father his only son.Died saving all mankind only to resurrect.

HedonismBot December 20, 2011 at 6:53 pm

These people go around looking for reasons to be offended. When they can't find them, they make them up. They really need to find a hobby. Might I suggest shark wrestling?

Nostrildamus December 20, 2011 at 7:07 pm

If Jesus wants to have an ornament on the tree, he needs to incorporate.

Chet Kincaid December 20, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Off Lame "Topic:" Jesus, Wonkette, do I have to do your job for you?!

Megs McBoobs is so dumb, she criticizes Callista Gingrich for having been a mistress like her Mom:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/20/meghan-m

And Newt gets called out by some cantakerous old asshole in Iowa yet again:
http://2012.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/12/gingric

I'll assume my check's in the mail.

Blueb4sunrise December 20, 2011 at 8:30 pm

It's the fee they charge to even read my suggestions that's getting to be a problem.

When someone calls Leslie and Jim smarmy fucking asshole lickers , , and they show that, then we may have turned the corner.

Meghan, honey, I think someone is blocking the emails I send you. If you're looking in here, there's a place we could meet in Eloy I think you might like.

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Meg (or whatever that smug, self-assured needle dick's name is) Ryan's pro-growth plan is this: coupons for the oldz and cut taxes further on the job creators. So, Newt, on this one fucking topic was actually the worst kind of Trotskyite.

johnnyzhivago December 20, 2011 at 11:32 pm

I would think that Blizt has been called a fucking asshole to his own face so often he would have been able to lip read the guy's remark.

Chet Kincaid December 21, 2011 at 12:35 pm

You are forgetting the stupidity/obtuseness. Wolfie is the Mr. Magoo of anchors.

Harry_S_Truman December 20, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Gotta love the Fundies getting their panties in a twist over the irony that there are no Christian ornaments on a pagan tree.

littlebigdaddy December 20, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Is that an angel on top of the tree or is it just a Lindsey Graham figurine?

YasserArraFeck December 20, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Mizz Lindsey – impaled up the ass and lovin' it!

rocktonsam December 20, 2011 at 7:48 pm

tree needz moar White Sox and Tebowz!!

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 7:49 pm

…and that's the true meaning of Christmas.

Doktor Zoom December 20, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Completely OT, but I'm kind of excited about checking out my first evar e-book from the public library website and loading it onto my brand-name e-reader device (I won't name it, since I wouldn't want anyone to think this is an ad). I do love me some real dead-trees-version books in the traditional sense, but I also think this e-ink format is pretty goddamned nifty. And so the hell with TV, I'm reading All the Devils Are Here tonight (Cheery stuff! 1-Per-Cent-er malfeasance!) E-this and e-that, and Hap e-holidaze to all of 'ee.

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 8:54 pm

On this front, alas, I remain e-benezer-ish. Bah, foo, ugh.

(Oh, tell Kid Zoom that the old weirdo is at four months, 20 days! Got a half dozen effusive hugs from the grizzled old checkout lady at the grocery store today. She said she was proud of me and I believe her.)

Doktor Zoom December 20, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Kid Zoom and I send you and Dewey both our most e-fusive congratulations on your e-clipsing your e-dictions to e-toh.

Also, Kid Zoom adds, in his best Ren Hoek voice, that he thinks the previous paragraph makes me sound like a bloated e-diot .

(Best dumb good thing about my e-reader: I can get the Sunday NYTimes for 99 cents and read it in the coffee shop to my heart's content–hell, I used to pay 99 cents for the Book Review alone, waaay back in college. Because I'm a nerd)

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Kid's right, of course. But tell him to lay off the naughty throttle for a few more days, the joint is riddled with Santa finks.

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 10:05 pm

I must have missed some posts, but this one is all I need to figure out what's up. Congratulations! We're proud of you too.

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 10:40 pm

Thanks amigo, contamos con tu apoyo y nos cae bien tus habilidades en el arte de snarkear.

Spurning Beer December 21, 2011 at 7:04 am

It's your Four-Twenty anniversary! I-and-I raise my spliff to you, Owls!

YasserArraFeck December 20, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Mrs ArraFeck gets ungodly mileage out her e-reader. We bought one for Daughter ArraFeck for Christmasween – we'll never have to pay a late fee to the library again (damn' soshulist public libraries – if people want to read, you know…..books, they should pull themselves up by their bootstraps and write their own)

doloras December 20, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Do the fundies hate evolution because it teaches that our oldest ancestors were Kenyans?

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Since it doesn't look like that sweet little chiclet Kaia is going to come rescue us tonight, here's a Jesusy question:

Given his personal history, do you think Tebow prefers this MILF or this MILF?

Chichikovovich December 20, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Ah, that's a good question. Tebow is one of those brands of Christian who regards the Catholic Church's attitude to Mary as cultish and unbiblical. She's one heck of a gal, no joke, but not a proper object of worship. As in so many things, Brother Chick explains it to us in simple prose: http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0040/0040_01….

But as for the other MILF's I think you're on to something. Very astute. Tebow was born in the Philippines. And really who would be a better choice as a deep-cover sooper-terrorist, biding his time before the cobra-strike? I guess we won't know for sure until all the Broncos players except Tebow turn up beheaded with Tebow mysteriously vanished.

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 11:04 pm

That's what I'm saying, man. Spirals within spirals…no, wait. I take that back.

Inaccurate wobbles within inaccurate wobbles, man.

imissopus December 21, 2011 at 12:53 am

Single-wing offense libel!

flamingpdog December 20, 2011 at 11:12 pm

It was sweet little chiclet Kaia's post last night that got comment-blocked all night last night. I hope she isn't still sore from a Intensely Debatable spanking from our overlord Ken.

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 11:19 pm

I did feel a bit squidgy after that. Still, getting it choked off at 16 comments all night did allow me to flutter away with a 190-upfist bon mot, which in turn punched me up to the magical 121p. So no complaints on my end.

Plus, I am better than you and all the pathetic 120 & under crowd. Wanna know how wicked pissa I am? When Barb farts, if the wind is blowing the right way and she really rips a stinker, I can almost imagine smelling it. Movin' on up, baby!

flamingpdog December 20, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Yeah, I didn't quite break a hundred, but it was my best result in a long time. Midnight's the best time to post anyway because there's not so much pressure on you, and you're getting mostly viewed early the next morning before everyone gets really cranky.

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Or you could just pay off the editors and get a two minute head start on everyone else, but I mean really, who *cough, barb, cough* would ever do *cough, cough, soros, cough* that?

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 11:52 pm

♩ ♪ Owl's I want for Xmas is a 120 "p." ♪ ♫
C'mon Owls Up-Cloaca me.

user-of-owls December 21, 2011 at 12:03 am

♪ ♫ If only in your dreams…♪ ♫

flamingpdog December 20, 2011 at 11:26 pm

If he could ever get away from his mommy and Jeebus for a moment or two, this might be his favorite MILF.

poncho_pilot December 21, 2011 at 3:04 am

is she available in pale brunette?

RadioYKWE December 20, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Mllky Indigent Little Filipinos

YasserArraFeck December 21, 2011 at 12:15 am

shouldn't that be VILF?

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 3:06 am

I don't speak Spanish, but I've always had cognate-wonder at "madres embarazadas".

Negropolis December 20, 2011 at 11:15 pm

This is why we can't have nice things, America.

I'd just say he take the tree down like an angry father fed up with his children's illegitimate and spiteful criticism, but then they'd be talking about how he was trying to hide Christmas.

America needs a "So help me god, I'll turn this damned car around if I have to, and no one will be going to Disneyland" moment.

Negropolis December 20, 2011 at 11:19 pm

BTW, that response from the forest service is kind of disturbing. Sounds to me like you could sneak a dildo on the tree if you so wanted to…let's just hope the holiday tree never comes from Massachusetts anytime soon. God only knows the kind of ornaments that would be on that one.

Also, off topic, but the heathens of Detroit put up a giant **gasp** menorah the other night in their central square to go along with the annual Christmas tree! Won't someone think of the Christian children!? Won't anyone think of the Christian children?! Some want procure me my faiting couch and ample amounts of smelling salts.

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 3:08 am

An ornament-sized dildo, maybe. I suspect they'd "confiscate" a full sized one.

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Now would seem a good time to remind folks that every last scintilla of Wonkettiana is being collected by the Library of Congress. Unless, of course, the Republicans murdered it in their bill raising fucking taxes on the fucking middle/working class, because you know, library? WTF?

DustBowlBlues December 21, 2011 at 12:02 am

I dunno . . .seems like Democrats should be helping Newt. Wouldn't he be the lamest opponent? And lets pray that the New Year will bring us Ron Paul, running on the America fair vote, whatever that elect-the-pres-on-the internet group that I just heard is signed up to run someone in all 50 states.

After this fucking decade we've lived through, I think Gawd owes us as much.

RadioYKWE December 21, 2011 at 12:11 am

Newt is appropriately named. He has had his limbs of integrity, humility, fidelity and pride dismembered and he regenerates them effortlessly. I so want this bloated blowhard to win the nomination. Imagine how much fun we will have while he has no chance of beating our right wing Hopey.

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 3:09 am

I think God owes us that the Republican Pres and VP nominees should spontaneously combust on November 5, 2012.

Buckminster December 21, 2011 at 12:41 am

Oh for pete's sake. When we have real concernz about whether the FBI or whatever can just whisk us off to Guantanamo with no provocation, we're worried about the freakin' Jebus ornaments? God Bless Amurkin.

El Pinche December 21, 2011 at 1:10 am

Nothing says frankincense and myrrh like my new Barney Frank nipple ornaments.

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 3:10 am

Oooh. Are they temperature-sensitive?

Buckminster December 21, 2011 at 1:25 am

Lord. save us from these numbnuts.

Buckminster December 21, 2011 at 1:27 am

"Merry Xmas–here are your new NDAA rules, you poor sods" comes to mind.

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 2:15 am

I've only read the first page of comments, but I have to make a remark now lest I fall over from Xmas-shopping-exhaustion (to be complete, the alcohol might be a factor as well).

I live in Tuolumne Fucking County, California — pop. 55K — , and I can personally assure the CNS (and will do so if I remain conscious) that while it is not the absolutely reddest county in Calli, it is still well on the conservative side of the political nutso-meter. More to the point, the vast preponderance of the scanty adult population, even the purple-tinged ones, love them some Jesus. So I'm 100% sure there was no Tuolumne-centered conspiracy to suppress Jesus-flavored ornaments.

I'd suggest that the reasons for the glaring absence of Jesusy ornaments in the whopping sample size of five were (1) the "California Shines" theme KBJ mentioned — in addition to Jesus, we are also sort of addicted to California; and (2) the ornaments were, generally, designed by schoolchildren, who are not widely known for the ability to draw people very well, much less the Last Supper. Also, FWIW, there were no Spanish missions in Tuolumne County. Just played out goldmines and decaying brothelsB&Bs.

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 3:43 am

And, as an addendum, the comment thread over at CNSNews dot com is surprisingly lively.

paris biltong December 21, 2011 at 8:19 am

"Lively" may not be the term I'd choose. Somewhere around #2000 is – predictably – this: MAY THE LORD FORGIVE US FOR ALLOWING THIS ITIOT TO BE PRESIDENT OF OUR "ONCE"GREAT NATION!!!

pinkocommi December 21, 2011 at 4:24 am

How many of those Christmas ornaments say, "Dear baby Jesus, Show us your birth certificate!"

Negropolis December 21, 2011 at 7:04 am

"BC or GTFO, Jesus!"

Negropolis December 21, 2011 at 6:57 am

Twas the night before Christmas, and outside the White House, every creature was stirring, even the…

not that Dewey December 21, 2011 at 8:45 am

Christians who like to grouse
about manufactured scandals.

Tundra Grifter December 21, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Outside the Layafetty, CA, BART station is a green hillside with a white cross for every member of the US Military killed in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Let those right wing nutz look at that sad, sad scene if they want to bitch about not enough Jesus signs this Holiday Season.

There's enough fucking crosses for anyone.

Fukui_Jong-un December 21, 2011 at 1:05 pm

I go past that every time I head into SF. It's very striking.

The nutters probably wouldn't like it because some of the "crosses" aren't, instead being stars of David or crescents.

MissTaken December 21, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Took my parents into the city on BART a couple of weeks ago for some crab. Dad was talking about how disappointed he is with Obama's presidency. As we stopped at Lafayette Station I pointed to the hill. Dad then said, "yeah, but Obama got us out of Iraq and killed OBL so of course I'll vote for him again".

Tundra Grifter December 21, 2011 at 3:16 pm

MT:

It is very, very sobering to see all those white crosses. Really brings it home.

Of course, it is "Lafayette." My bad.

ttommyunger December 21, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I'll be so glad when January rolls around and we can get back to the old standard type of mindless bullshit instead of this Christmas Bullshit.

Tundra Grifter December 20, 2011 at 3:39 pm

BTF:

W. C. Fields said once that he had a hangover that felt like the entire Russian army marched over his tongue in their stocking feet.

BaldarTFlagass December 20, 2011 at 3:43 pm

I have a brass plaque that my father bequeathed to me with a WC Fields quote in gothic script:

"A Man Who Loves Whiskey and Hates Kids Can't Be All Bad."

poncho_pilot December 20, 2011 at 3:50 pm

story of my life!

DaRooster December 20, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Yep…
My Dad's Land Lady (when I was little Roo) in Oklahoma had the Buddhist insignia laid in brick… in her chimney… most of the bricks were light brown and the insignia was dark… quite vivid. Even as a kid I was surprised until it was explained to me. But she got plenty of comments from people walking by.

OneDollarJuana December 20, 2011 at 4:13 pm

It's what commonly happened to early VW beetles when their carbs overflowed onto hot exhaust manifolds.

jqheywood December 20, 2011 at 4:55 pm

It's what you oughten to do but do anyway…

BigDumbRedDog December 20, 2011 at 5:03 pm

But I'm already composing the new story of christmas in my head. It involves baby Jesus Claus being adopted by a friendly tribe of elves at the north pole. The elves teach young Jesus Claus the craft of carpentry but when he grows bigger than them, he enslaves the elves to work in his toy factory. Eventually the elves rise up in revolution and crucify Jesus Claus by nailing him to a big noble fir and Jesus Claus has to spend the afterlife being punished by having to be jolly and give toys away to children.

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:40 pm

"the reminders of Jesus Claus everywhere."

Nailed to every Christmas tree.

poncho_pilot December 20, 2011 at 5:10 pm

i don't want to start an blasphemouse rumors but peanut butter may or may not have been involved.

Iam_Who_Iam December 20, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Oh, you were totally there til that last bit…

Then Jesus Claus descended to socialist hell to grant eternal life to all the Saints of Capitalism, then rose on the third day and lives as the embodiment of all that is good and pure in greed and capitalism. When we buy and exchange Jesus Claus gifts we are spreading the Capitalist Word to all of mankind.

Or something like that. It’s a work in progress but I really think we are onto something here.

Negropolis December 20, 2011 at 11:38 pm

Fuckin' brilliant.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 20, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Or Ford Pintos, upon being rear-ended.

Guppy December 20, 2011 at 7:00 pm

If you're focusing on the etymological history of the word "Easter" itself, I'll grant the English- and German-speaking Pagans that much. But the name for the Paschal holiday itself was the only thing that got ganked, and only in those two languages. The Paschal feast wasn't duck-taped to the calendar ex post facto like Christmas has been.

If the Paschal feast itself was nothing more than an attempt to to "stick it to the Germanic barbarians," Eastern churches wouldn't have been holding a grudge with the West over its proper date for the past 400 years.

sbj1964 December 20, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Ok once again look up the word ,and history of Easter it was celebrated by pagan cultures thousands of years before Jesus Named after the earth goddess symbols eggs,Rabbits for fertility,and rebirth had nothing to do with the much later Christian Cult.To celebrate the rebirth,and resurrection of the world after winter.Also see Greek mythology story of Persephone.long before there was a Germanic people. Christians did not even bother to change the name of the Pagan holiday.Eastre after the goddess.

Guppy December 20, 2011 at 7:55 pm

OK, you're saying that a religious observance that originated in Judea was influenced by Hellenistic mythology and culture.

And you're saying this on the first day of Hanukkah.

Irony overload.

mayor_quimby December 20, 2011 at 9:40 pm

I nominate that as an alternate You Know Who Else meme. The challenge is to make it as many degress at possible before getting to Hitler.

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:01 pm

My favorite part was:
Announcer: "Unfair to Local 12"?
Boris: Villains, thieves, and scoundrels union.
Announcer: So you want us to change the plot?
Boris: No! Just give me top billing!
Announcer: IM-POSSIBLE! TV villains *never* get top billing! So tune in next week for… Rocky and his *Fiends*??

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Chak Tok Ich'aak (Great Jaguar Paw)!

Where's my prize?

tessiee December 20, 2011 at 11:41 pm

Don't forget the little miniature chocolate Jesusi!

user-of-owls December 20, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Those are the ones that rabbits lay, right?

RadioYKWE December 21, 2011 at 12:16 am

I would agree, metrically speaking, you are two pees funnier and insightful than me.

user-of-owls December 21, 2011 at 12:51 am

See, if you were in the 120! Club, you wouldn't have said "metrically," you would have said, "rubrically." So really, there's a vast difference that your little unter-p-schen minds can nary comprehend.

Granted, I had to copy/paste your little musical notes, but that's no surprise. Your people have always been minstrels or vaudevillians or such.

poncho_pilot December 21, 2011 at 2:08 am

send in the nuns!

poncho_pilot December 21, 2011 at 2:39 am

what? you were number two. saw it written on a bathroom wall. true story :)

ShaveTheWhales December 21, 2011 at 2:44 am

Um, guys. I'm by no means an expert in this shit, but I can pretty easily see that the full moon after the vernal equinox would be a very readily observable time-point for any culture that had achieved a bit of astronomy. So it's not hard to believe that more than one culture might assign it some symbolic weight. After that, you're just arguing about names.

What I've never understood is how Christmas came to have a fixed date. The winter solstice is a perfectly good time for the birth of a sacrificially redeeming king (we'd all like spring to come), but why a fixed date? Why not Christmas Sunday? (well, this year, okay).

Guppy December 21, 2011 at 9:36 am

Yeah, I knew about the astronomical significance, but pointless pedantry is so fun!

December 25 was the winter solstice when Julius Caesar made his calendar, with all the seasons also beginning on the seventh day before the end of their respective months. Most of those dates also have Christian holidays pegged to them (e.g. Annunciation on March 25).

The Julian calendar gained a day on the seasons every century or so, and the Gregorian calendar pegged them to where they'd drifted to by the First Council of Nicaea (~370 years after the adoption of the Julian calendar) because "tradition."

SorosBot December 21, 2011 at 10:47 am

Blame the Emperor Aurelian. He was a member of the cult of Sol Invictus, a version of the sun god, and set the feast of Sol Invictus to December 25, believing it to be the solstice, as well as to co-opt the feast of Saturnalia from earlier in December, which is where most of our Christmas traditions originate, particularly presents and feasting (some, like the trees were later borrowed from the German / Norse Yule festival which was around the same time). Then when Christians took over the Empire, they set the celebration of Christmas on the 25th to co-opt both the feast of Sol Invictus and Saturnalia; and it worked.

not that Dewey December 21, 2011 at 11:34 am

And even then, they're off by 34 seconds, because they didn't consider leap seconds!

Microsoft still can't get the Julian-Modified Julian-Gregorian date conversions right, because they insist that 1900 was a leap year.

Biff December 21, 2011 at 11:45 am

Hey, I'm retired from Local 12, IUOE! Engineer libel!

PalinzADummy December 21, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I retreat
in defeat
De feet
Retreat

poncho_pilot December 21, 2011 at 2:20 pm

don't retreat. reload?

PalinzADummy December 21, 2011 at 4:35 pm

As a recipient of many Xmas treats already, I say RE-treat, you piker! And watch where you point that thang.

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