No wonder he has such a foul stench, always hanging out in his furry costume.

What astonishingly irrelevant non-issue is bloated gasbag Newt Gingrich chewing on lately to fart wind into the sails of far-right dingbats? Let’s see… hang on one second, so Newt’s puffy fingers can fight their way through his jacket pocket for one of his greasy, crumpled cocktail napkin scribbles filled with strings of bizarre grievances that he dreams up in the mall bar while his creepy robot-wife is busy licking diamonds next door at Tiffany’s, to recharge her battery. OH HERE’S A FUN ONE: “Arrest all the judges who seem ‘liberal.'” This will save America, just like every proposal Newt Gingrich has ever made.

From Talking Points Memo:

There’s “no reason the American people need to tolerate a judge that out of touch with American culture,” Gingrich said on CBS’ Face the Nation, referring to a case where a judge ruled that explicit references to religion were barred from a high school graduation ceremony. And Gingrich recently has said judges should have to explain some of their decisions before Congress.

One might note that judges already have to explain themselves, not just to Congress but to everyone, with things called “rulings,” but this is beside the point of the REAL CRIME, a judge somewhere thinking she or he knows more about anything than Newt Gingrich.

Host Bob Schieffer asked Gingrich how he planned to enforce that. Would you call in the Capitol Police to apprehend a federal judge, he asked.

“If you had to,” Gingrich said. “Or you’d instruct the Justice Department to send the U.S. Marshall in.”

Gingrich claims his tough stance is part of a key question going into the 2012 elections: “Do you want to move towards American exceptionalism, reassert the Constitution, reassert the nature of America, or do you, in fact, want to become a secular, European, sort of beaurocratic socialist society?”

Ha ha, Newtie is so much smarter than an eighth-grade civics textbook. Federal judges aren’t there to “assert the Constitution,” they are there to make sure America isn’t France, or be thrown in jail. [TPM]

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  • KathrynSane

    America deserves a leader like Newt. A shitty, awful, terrible leader to rub our noses in everything we've done wrong.

    • Omophagist

      You have to admire his terrifying honesty. "If elected president, I will round up and arrest anyone who's political beliefs differ from mine. Only by the total liquidation and silencing of anyone who disagrees with my real American values, can we prevent this country from being another USSR."

    • GOPCrusher

      Remember after the 2008 election, the Republiklans were all concerned about this Constitutional issue of Checks And Balances?
      Now, they want to do away with them.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Not true … they do want to keep cashing those checks.

        • Negropolis

          To keep their balance high.

  • AlterNewt

    It all makes sense when he explains things. Otherwise you would have to conclude that he is just a corrupt, pontificating oligarch.

  • paris biltong

    Out of touch with American culture? WTF is he talking about? What culture?

  • Goonemeritus

    Best part is he justifies his position citing separation of powers. This like justifying infidelity by citing your wedding vows.

    • tihond

      Or that you loved Amerrica so much, you had to fuck someone who wasn't your wife.

      • LesBontemps

        But at least he was busy fucking America!

    • TheMeatmaker

      Infidelity did seem to be part of Newt's wedding vows.

  • MildMidwesterner

    Something I learned from Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail:

    If a witch turns you into a Newt and you "get better," then you're still only as good as an dirty, ignorant peasant.

    • Thurman Munster IV

      A fucking peasant as far as I can see

  • fartknocker

    Before the U.S. Marshals can arrest you a warrant must be issued. To obtain a warrant an affadavit must be filed with the U.S. Attorney. After arrest the judges are all the like rest of the U.S. citizens in that they have rights granted by the Miranda Case.

    Newt really is fucking out of touch in his little world of consulting historian for Freddie Mac and his BlowMePacs.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      …see, no one likes a buzzkill. Enough of your facts, and let Newt's army of legion have their little Two Minutes Hate.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Fine words from a man who is indecisive on which brand of Jesus he would rather have at invocation.

    Then again, he's also been fickle about wives, so maybe he's just an advocate for choice. That's highly American!

  • Badonkadonkette

    OK look I'm familiar with Godwin's Law. And I know that it's never ever appropriate to call someone a nazi. But Newt makes it really, really tempting.

    • Chichikovovich

      Does suggesting that Newt is proposing a Gleichschaltung count as a violation of Godwin's law?

      • Badonkadonkette

        You know who else proposed ein Gleichschaltung?

    • Part of the reason Godwin's Law exists is that it sometimes is appropriate to call someone a Nazi, or a fascist, just as it's sometimes appropriate to compare a genocidal dictator to Hitler, quite frankly.

      The reason Godwin's law was formulated wasn't to stifle valid discussion of actual disturbing trends in politics and the like, but rather the opposite; the logic being that frivolous invocation of Nazis and fascism cheapens their real rhetorical and emotional impact when they actually are legitimate points of comparison. So, yeah, no, arguing that we should jail liberal officeholders for being liberal is totally a thing we should call out as overtly fascistic.

    • tessiee

      We *can* still call him a fat, slimy, physically and personally repulsive, hypocritical, cancer-wife divorcing serial adulterer, though, so there's that.

  • Newt is an ass but once you start listening to what he’s really saying he’s a moron too.

    • Sparky_McGruff

      Just remember… In the GOP world, he's considered the brainy one.

  • tihond

    First they came for the judges and I said… Wait, WTF! Why are they coming for the judges?

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      …because they're not Newt's type of judges. Apparently, you can only sit on the bench in a Gingrich administration if you're a divorce judge.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Because they're “out of touch with American culture.” You know, like the judges who decided Brown v. Board of Education.

      (Newt's in favor of decisions that are in touch with the culture … you know, like Dred Scott v. Sandford.)

  • Hey Newt! I hear North Korea might be in the market for a new leader.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      He'd starve to death there. Or slim down nicely.

      • Dashboard Buddha

        Neither…he would be able to feed the entire country for a week. The North Koreans would be all hmmmm, another batshit crazy dictator…or dinner? I think you see where I'm going with this.

        • tessiee

          Newt, the other white meat.

          • KeepFnThatChicken

            Newt: Fat is the New Lean.

        • Negropolis

          Plus, you could use all of the fat for heating oil for months.

      • GOPCrusher

        I dunno. That Kim Jong Un looks like a chunky little shit.

        • Negropolis

          Have you seen Newt with his coat jacket off? He makes Un look svelte.

  • freddymcmurray

    Out of touch with American culture? Are we talking about the same yogurt cultures that Jamie Lee Curtis (and maybe Rush?) has to shove down her gullet to loosen up the impacted poop that her lengthy Vicodin addiction caused? I wish she would stop telling us about it. Back to the topic at hand: America's impacted poop… Newt is definitely a leader there.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Newt is America's malignant rectal tumor.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Where do these liberals get this seperation of powers stuff anyways?

    • MzNicky

      From the "Saul Alinsky Socialism Handbook" of course, silly!

      • Negropolis

        A.K.A. The United States Constitution

  • SorosBot

    And here I didn't know that making a ruling Newt doesn't like is a crime under Federal law.

    • Chichikovovich

      Not yet.

    • beavertank

      It will be, as soon as the Great Repugnant Leader gets his dumb ass elected.

  • Baconzgood

    "What is this seperation of powers of which you speak?"

    -Newt Gingrich-

    • GOPCrusher

      "If the Congress doesn't do what I say, I'll cut their pay and send them home."

      -Rick Perry-

  • OCcupied_Surf_Serf

    Newt also wants to give Clarence Thomas just 3/5 of a vote…for Historical purposes.

    • tessiee

      I'd actually be OK with that, just not for historical reasons.

  • dogscantlookup

    I'd rather live in Fredonia.

  • SorosBot

    Also, how is it that ruling schools can't force religion on students, in accordance with a fifty-year-old precedent that is very clearly ordered by the Constitution, makes a judge "radical"? To allow religion in a public school graduation ceremony would be a realty radical decision, and would very clearly violate the Constitution, which created the secular government that Newt decries here.

    Newt Gingrich, why do you hate America?

    • paris biltong

      Shut up, you goddam secular person. Go back to Europe.

    • MzNicky

      Newtie couldn't care less about Jesus in the classroom. He's just mouth-farting what he thinks the moron godbags want to hear.

    • GOPCrusher

      According to Rick Santorum, nowhere in the First Amendment is the Separation Of Church And State mentioned.
      So therefore, it does not exist and is just another example of activist judges.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Here's something to fervently wish for:

      A public school in some Michigan town with a large muslim population publishes their commencement program, featuring the usual bible-blather and a muslim prayer. (For maximum effect, be sure it explicitly calls out to Allah.) Then arrange for some parents to sue over the injection of religion … any religion.

      The spectacle of exploding heads all across teabagistan, and the sputtering and fuming of the Faux Snooze gasbags, would be priceless. (If only it could have been arranged in time for the GOPtard debates!)

      • An_Outhouse

        I went by Dearborn this weekend and I wish I was Dearborn, not born in an Outhouse, because it seemed like a very nice place.

        • Negropolis

          It's held together pretty well considering the economic storm that decimated a lot of the communities around, last decade. A little banal, but that's how Henry Ford wanted it.

  • memzilla

    How can such a bloated chickenhawk like Newt fly with only one right wing?

    • tessiee

      By burning very large amounts of other people's money.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      He also has a wrong wing, so he can fly straight to all the wrong places.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      The same thing that allows a hot air balloon to fly with no wings.

  • The 3 branches of Government are like Rock, Paper and Scissors. You shouldn't mess with the rules of the game because then it would get really confusing.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That's a pretty damned good analogy… and for the wingnuts, the rules seem to be pretty confusing already.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Next, Newt will craft a policy where we wear our underwear outside our clothes so it can be easily checked for cleanliness.

    • tessiee


      You mean, we're not supposed to be doing that now?
      *surreptitiously removes outside layer of underwear*

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And the TSA folks can easily see that we don't have bombs in our underwear. Win-win!

  • Baconzgood

    I think there is a law regarding the executive branch arresting judges without 2/3 approval of the legislative branch. But who cares, they are going to put Macgyver re-runs on TBS in the summer.

    • An_Outhouse

      Apparently there is also a law against the legislature approving judges because they haven't been doing that either.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    reassert the Constitution

    Reassert the Constitution…by shitting on it?

    or do you, in fact, want to become a secular, European, sort of bureaucratic socialist society?”

    If I had to choose between this an a fundamentalist, American, sort of bureaucratic theocracy…well then, do they make Rosetta Stone versions for Swedish?

    • SorosBot

      Why wouldn't you want America to become a secular, European, sort of bureaucratic socialist society?

      • Dashboard Buddha

        I think that would be great.

    • tessiee

      Isn't it just too bad that it's apparently not possible to be a secular, American, sort of socialist society?

  • You know who else wanted to arrest all the liberals?

    Wow, I really suck at making these funny, rather than horrifying.

    • wondering where i am

      Over at Free Republic they were bringing up Kristallnacht in reference to Newtie's pontifications about arresting judges. At Free Republic!

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Damn, talk about not playing to your base!

      • Well, to restore your faith in the far-right still being the far-right we all know and loathe so much, here's a comment section where wingers openly fantasize about murdering liberals.

  • Tim Tebow will become King of the Judges and have to approve any Supreme Court decision.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      True, but he'd wait until the last minute to make his rulings.

  • MzNicky

    You know, the Newtster might just be onto something. How about we send the US Marshall in to arrest Fat Tony, Uncle Thomas and the other goofballs who brought us such great USSC hits as "corporations are people"?

  • When even Ann Coulter goes on Fox News to announce that something you've said was offensively ignorant then you know you've really out done yourself. The best part is the Teahadi's are eating this shit up and there's probably 50 judges' murders being planned at Denny's and Ihops and wherever else old crazy white people eat all across mouthbreather Amurrca.

    • chicken_thief

      More likely Waffle Houses, but more to your point – ya. Plans are probably being laid as we speak – with the "we have to kill them to save us" logic.

      • GOPCrusher

        Taking America Back One Dead Judge At A Time.

    • tessiee

      "When even Ann Coulter goes on Fox News"

      We don't still have to pay any attention to her, do we? I mean, even if she's not technically dead yet, she's no longer relevant, right?

    • Cracker Barrel?

  • samsuncle

    I imagine that Calista's favorite sex position is reverse cowgirl because she doesn't get her hair messed up and most importantly doesn't have to look at Newt.

  • Lucidamente1

    As long as Callista testifies to congress about her judgment in men, it's all good.

  • Baconzgood

    I love how flippantly the GOP and mention high treason to get their agenda shoved down our throats. What it's against the law to have an abortion? Put the judge in Git-Mo then.

  • "Newtie is so much smarter than an eighth-grade civics textbook…"

    Newt — at the rate he's accomplishing these foot-to-mouth fallacies –if propped up next to potato-faced doofus George Allen, still would make that bumbling lug appear coherent by comparison — and George couldn't even win "Are You Smarter Than A Teatarder."

  • Schmannnity

    From now on, America does not have to follow court rulings unless they come in a Tiffany blue box with a surprise for the first lady inside. It's what America wants!

  • Chichikovovich

    Then after arresting the judges, Newt will have them tried as many times as necessary to get a guilty verdict. Then he'll quarter a bunch of troops in their houses and take their cars without compensation for public use. That will teach them not to ignore the Constitution.

    • paris biltong

      He knows not only the original intent, but what the founders intended with that intent.

  • philpjfry

    First he has to crush the constitution so he can save it. Who in the name of God does he think will support arresting judges? Stupid self serving arrogant cock sucker

    • Chichikovovich

      Who in the name of God does he think will support arresting judges?

      Science has conclusively demonstrated that exactly 27% of Americans will support this. That may be a majority of the Republican primary voters right there. Now if he can just disenfranchise the rest of the country after getting the nomination, he's set.

    • wondering where i am

      Half of US citizens have below average intelligence. Just sayin.

  • freakishlywrong

    Mainstreaming extremism, one "brilliant idea" at a time.

  • Arrest judges?

    I thought Kim Join-Il was dead?

  • neiltheblaze

    I spend a lot of time laughing at Newt – and have for years. But this is the kind of thing that stops me short and makes me realize what a fucking dangerous little fascist he is.

    Of course, it's lost on this former Speaker of the House – who should fucking know better – that the President doesn't have the authority to arrest judges – an authority that only exists in Newt's apparently very rich fantasy life.

  • carlgt1

    he can start with Scalia & Thomas et al as they go off to yet another teabagger/Koch-paid right-wing junket — and still claim "impartiality" and don't recuse themselves from cases that they have a blatant bias and/or connection with….

  • hollywooddood

    I love this guy. He's the intellect of the GOP!

    • GOPCrusher

      Can't wait to see this guy pwn Obama in a debate!

  • Sue4466

    Not sure how asserting the Constitution means undermining separation of powers and an independent judiciary that is designed to not be beholden to the political whim of the electorate which would have long ago voted down the Bill of Rights, at least for "those people." But then I'm not a multi-million dollar "historian," just someone who has actually read the Constitution.

    • GOPCrusher

      A news reporter asked Rick Perry's Iowa campaign manager if Rick understands that the shit he spews in his commercials is Unconstitutional. The response was "Rick Perry carries a copy of the Constitution in his breast pocket at all times. He understands the Constitution."
      The follow up question should of been, "Great, he carries it around. But has he ever read it?"

      • Sue4466

        Making osmosis one more thing Perry doesn't understand.

  • sbj1964

    Newts new wife looks like a Stepford 2.0 Very pricey .Low battery time,and only runs on Apple.

  • chicken_thief

    And this is the guy who is dropping like a pregnant pole vaulter in the Iowa polls because he isn't conservative enough….

  • V572 the Merciless

    Newt's probably got a hardon against one of the judges in his divorce settlements.

    I think he should send the Park Police to arrest the judges he doesn't like.

  • Guppy

    As Newt, of all people, should know, the only way to remove a federal judge is to impeach him or her for high crimes and misdemeanors, such as receiving a blow job.

  • yyyaz

    How about we make a human centipede out of politicians advocating "culture" over the rule of law, secession, corporate personhood or Second Amendment "remedies"? Newt can be the caboose.

  • Abraham Lincoln's opinion of Newt is relevant here: "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.”

  • And yet for some reason, Newt's four favorite justices happen to be four of the five concurrent opinions on Citizens United. Weird, right?

  • The wingers love to accuse Americans of Anti-Americanism. America is not a fixed set of values. It is the sum of its citizens, whether they speak English, go to church, have kids or any of the other litmus tests Newt and Michele B. and their cohorts think define us.

    Also — not for nothing — I think we should switch from English to Spanish because I've seen English "sit coms" and Spanish soaps. The choice is clear.

  • mavenmaven

    I heard Newt wants to have Paula Abdul arrested as well.

  • tessiee

    “Arrest all the judges who seem ‘liberal.’”

    Just the judges, Newt?

  • tessiee

    "There’s “no reason the American people need to tolerate a judge that out of touch with American culture,” Gingrich said on CBS’ Face the Nation, referring to a case where a judge ruled that explicit references to religion were barred from a high school graduation ceremony."

    Can someone else please muster a snarky remark about how yes, there's nothing more out of touch with American culture than the Bill of Rights? Because I, personally, think it's too true to be funny.

    • Sue4466

      I think Gingrich defines "American culture" as the Teatard culture that thinks the Bill of Rights only applies to right wing Christian Republicans.

  • tessiee

    “If you had to,” Gingrich said. “Or you’d instruct the Justice Department to send the U.S. Marshall in.”

    Also, if someone got a consensual blojob from a willing partner, instead of having to buy their cooperation with jewelry.

  • tessiee

    "I have had it with this motherfucking separation of motherfucking powers!" — Newt on a plane

  • BarackMyWorld

    At this point I think Newtie's just cold trying to sabotage himself so he doesn't have to actually run a campaign and go back to selling his merchandise to wingtards.

  • Nostrildamus

    I'd absolutely love to hear Clarence Thomas' analysis of Newt's comments.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      I think CT is a mute.

      • Nostrildamus

        Maybe then he could just gesticulate with his anus.

  • Has Newt ever tried French food or wine? He might change his mind about becoming France West.

  • owhatever

    "Hanging Judge" is given new meaning by the smartest man in the world.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “No reason the American people need to tolerate a judge that out of touch with American culture.”

    I'm sure Scalia is quaking in his boots.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Hey, it worked for Vladimir Putin.

  • finallyhappy

    yeah, but according to the WaPO, Newt attended a showing of an antiabortion film- so he is all good with the crazy religious right.

  • Negropolis

    You know, in seriousness, the conservative courts will put up with a lot of shit, but they won't put up with this blazing attack on their entire branch of the government. I keep hearing that it's good for him to go after the judiciary, politically. I don't buy that shit. This just sounds insane, and the powers-that-be won't all this. They simply won't allow Newt to hatch. This fuck will do and say anything.

  • Negropolis

    I think you've found the name for Callista's new reality show, Wonkette: "Lurking at Tiffany"

    I think I saw that movie…

  • Negropolis

    You know how else rounded up judges he didn't like?

  • WinterOuthouse

    The Myans were right!

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