SAUSAGE FEST  12:20 pm December 16, 2011

Rick Perry’s Rumored Adventures In Gay Sex, Now in Book Form!

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Would've made a perfectly good book cover.

Biblehumper bozo barbie Rick Perry has been annoying everyone lately with his truly awful attempts to prove to the Jesus People contingent that he deserves to rule the country for his Tex-ass tuff talk on gays in the military, so it’s fitting and timely that openly gay former Texas legislator Glen Maxey (a Democrat, we said “openly”) has just released a hilarious new book-form collection of the many sordid rumors indicating that Rick Perry may just be the most monstrously self-loathing closeted old queen in America. Sneak peek “revelation” from the book: some guy who claims he had anonymous sex with Perry says the hair monster has a small penis!

Gawker’s John Cook brings us this money-quote excerpt from the book:

The [Craigslist] posting asked for someone willing to unlock the door, turn off the lights, and lie face-down on the bed, legs spread. [Texas real estate agent] James replied to the ad, and did as instructed. As he lay on his bed in the dark, James heard someone struggling to open the door. Shielding his eyes, he ran out and opened the door…. “He jerked down his shorts,” [James said], “It lasted about a minute. He had a little dick. It was the worst fuck of my life. And on top of it all he stunk because he had been jogging. He then pulled up his shorts and put the used condom in his pocket.”

As the mystery man tried to leave James’ apartment, he struggled with the front door, which had a tendency to jam. The man started yelling for James to help him…. As James opened it…his face was illuminated, and seen by James for the first time.

“Oh my God,” thought James. “I just got fucked by Rick Perry!”

So yes, all RUMORS no one can prove of course, but to be cautious: hide your corn dogs, kids. We certainly know they aren’t safe around Rick Perry. [Gawker]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 187 comments }

nounverb911 December 16, 2011 at 12:22 pm

“I just got f**ked by Rick Perry!”
So did Texas.

Chillwaver December 16, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I disagree – Texans fucked themselves by voting this asshole into office…three fucking times!

DahBoner December 16, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Perry is rich, because his mommy and daddy were rich.

That makes him "smarter" than the average Texan.

Swear to God, they actually believe rich people are smart down there..

Loaded_Pants December 16, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Rick Perry got W's sloppy seconds?

bureaucrap December 16, 2011 at 12:24 pm

It was Rick Perry in the library with the candlestick. Now I have to clean off the candlestick.

OneDollarJuana December 16, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Not a chance. When was Rick Perry ever in a library?

V572 the Merciless December 16, 2011 at 12:58 pm

He was in there reading Lowered Barn's great work, "Don Juan."

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I would think he "don juan" anything to do with books *or* furriners.

Biff December 16, 2011 at 12:38 pm

C'mon, it's Texas.
It was in the lieberry.

slowhansolo December 16, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Santorum's a stubborn thing.

jus_wonderin December 16, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Had to be a votive then.

Chillwaver December 16, 2011 at 12:24 pm

You know you are a idiotic loser when you are running a campaign that panders 100% to Fundies and still can't get Iowans to vote for you.

Barb December 16, 2011 at 12:24 pm

He put the used condom in his pocket? The Governor packs his own lunch?

Tundra Grifter December 16, 2011 at 12:30 pm

There's a guy who's done it before.

It's not likely he was going to get his partner pregnant. No DNA evidence?

slowhansolo December 16, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Definitely lacks the hurried panache of panties in the purse.

PalinzADummy December 16, 2011 at 2:08 pm

ZOMG, I'm totally ripped from the pain meds, but EVEN I got grossed out by this!

Oh, Barb, MARRY ME! We'll take Jeffers with us.

Barb December 16, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Wow, welcome back! I hope you are on the mend and feeling better soon.
I'm going to go and look at wedding cakes online.

PalinzADummy December 16, 2011 at 3:01 pm

(Hugs the beautiful lady) Thanks! The pain meds make me hallucinate, which is eyry interesting, and also i can't see too well but luckily i type by touch i think. I'm feeling great, except that periodically I have to take another pill or two and my awakeness seems to run in little waves i start out fine and wind down after a minute or two and then wind back up.

Be sure to pick something all three of us will like. Hugs to Jeff, and tell him NO BLACK WALNUT.

Bonghits4Jesus December 16, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Don't ask Rick Perry for catering advice.

PalinzADummy December 16, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Gimme that dong chim, baby!

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 2:17 pm

"The Governor packs his own lunch?"

Apparently, that's all he's packing.

Mojopo December 16, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Fucking Joggers. I mean, really.

Chillwaver December 16, 2011 at 12:31 pm

I wonder if he shot a coyote before of after the sexy time…

Tundra Grifter December 16, 2011 at 12:47 pm

James is rather fortunate he didn't get one in the back of the head. After getting one in the …

PalinzADummy December 16, 2011 at 3:02 pm

… back of the behind?

This is the fill-in-tehj-bnlanks game, right?

Tundra Grifter December 17, 2011 at 11:41 am

MadLibs for adults.—

Mojopo December 16, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Honestly, it's not hard to suspend my disbelief. This kind of would explain why Rick goes jogging with a weapon (he's afraid of being attacked by a Craigslist butt-darts partner?). Because that silly coyote story does not wash. Not ever.

Tundra Grifter December 16, 2011 at 1:14 pm

M:

Cue Chuck Wagon and The Wheels: "One Less Jogger on the Road."

Chillwaver December 16, 2011 at 12:26 pm

“Oh my God,” thought James. “I just got fucked by Rick Perry!”

That's also what every teacher in Texas said this year.

SudsMcKenzie December 16, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I've always relied on the kindness of strangers to unlock the front door.

Goonemeritus December 16, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Being hung like a hamster is an honored Republican tradition.

Oblios_Cap December 16, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Rick Perry's balls are the Devil's dumplings!

PalinzADummy December 16, 2011 at 2:13 pm

That may well be(e), but I haz it on good authority that Rick Purreh is hung like a BEE!

FakaktaSouth December 16, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Wow. Perry fucks JUST LIKE he governs. I bet this means sex with Boehner is soooo depressing.

poncho_pilot December 16, 2011 at 12:31 pm

he probably cries afterwards. or during. or before.

freakishlywrong December 16, 2011 at 12:35 pm

And probably leaves orange stains everywhere. Ugh..it's lunchtime.

prommie December 16, 2011 at 12:46 pm

I can see Boehner now, getting all verklempt, right in the middle of it.

freakishlywrong December 16, 2011 at 12:48 pm

"HELL NO!"

FakaktaSouth December 16, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Oh gross. I just went into an ugly, ugly thought tunnel. I was thinking about how that cum-crying talk made me wanna slap him. Then I thought about how jowly he is. THEN I thought, is that tan of his like a real golfer's tan? Is his chest all white and golf-bally?

prommie December 16, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Pasty white man-boobs. Treasure that image.

PalinzADummy December 16, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I don't think it's a tan at all, I think he has cirrhosis of the liver with attendant jaundice, which is what gives him that great colour; he then has to spray-mask it with some "fleisch"-coloured spray so people don't try to bury him while he's still speaking.

Not_So_Much December 16, 2011 at 12:28 pm

I figured it was common knowledge that anyone who compensates with a hand-cannon to shoot coyote puppies must have a micro-penis?

Neilist_Returns December 16, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Well,. it was only a .380. More of a micro hand-cannon.

ManchuCandidate December 16, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Considering how brain dead Rick Perry's gang is, I'm pretty sure quotes from that will end up on his campaign ads.

"He had a little Dick!"

"It was the worst fuck of my life."

Vote Rick Perry.

PalinzADummy December 16, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Vote Rick Purreh! It WON'T hurt when HE screws you!

Swampgas_Man December 16, 2011 at 4:17 pm

" ' -It was the worst fuck of my life', so Ricky's obviously straight!"

starfanglednut December 16, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Best. Bumpersticker. Ever.

RadioYKWE December 16, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Auto-complete is never wrong.

SexySmurf December 16, 2011 at 12:29 pm

And on top of it all he stunk because he had been jogging.

So this is what he meant by "shooting the coyote."

SudsMcKenzie December 16, 2011 at 12:36 pm

or it was "Summers Steve"

weejee December 16, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Or means Rickie is coyote ugly.

freakishlywrong December 16, 2011 at 12:29 pm

"Mmmmmm, cornhole dog"..

sbj1964 December 16, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Ok, is there anyone living in Texas that has not been Ass raped by Rick Perry? That's what I thought.

Callyson December 16, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Well, if Perry isn't into girls, that's one of the few indignities of his administration that has not impacted Texas' women…

Swampgas_Man December 16, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Due to Princess Tiny Meat Syndrome, anyone literally phucked by Perry would never feel it.

KenLayIsAlive December 16, 2011 at 12:31 pm

This is probably the one out of three CL ads Perry will not be able to recall answering.

Sue4466 December 16, 2011 at 12:31 pm

It might be all rumor, but we know Perry has a small wiener. All that Texas shit-kicker schtick is compensating for something.

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 2:22 pm

There's an old joke, the punch line of which goes, "Once I got past the part where you were, it was terrific".

meatlofer December 16, 2011 at 12:31 pm

What a cheap-fucker! Probably shook the fuck out of that condom and used it again!

TeaNuts December 16, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Why not he only used a 1/4 of the condom, if my repulicant math is right he has 2 more goes with it.

hollywooddood December 16, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Rinse, reuse, recycle. Save the earth, man.

MrFizzy December 16, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Turn that bad boy inside out – works fine, just like a pillow case

PalinzADummy December 16, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Or underroos. Long as they don't got no skid marks.

orygoon December 16, 2011 at 12:32 pm

It's so easy to write this kind of thing in Texas–the material is depressingly omnipresent.

johnnymeatworth December 16, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Wow, how uninspiring and totally expected. Even Boehner ends up limp….

Callyson December 16, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Would this be the flip side to that saying "The higher the hair, the closer to Jesus"? Along the lines of "the smaller the dick, the further from Jesus"?

LettucePrey December 16, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Yesterday Newt Gingrich signed some idiotic pledge to deny gays the right to marry. Can't we pass legislation denying all Kardashians the right to marry?

chicken_thief December 16, 2011 at 12:55 pm

If I was gay, I wouldn't sweat it too much – Newt has been known to break a vow or two.

SayItWithWookies December 16, 2011 at 1:53 pm

The promises Newt makes only apply to everyone else. He's actually on the record as saying that.

Loaded_Pants December 16, 2011 at 3:58 pm

After signing the pledge, he told the buxom young lady that presented it to him: "Do you want a job? I'm a historian & I'm running for President. I also have a Tiffany's account!"

freakishlywrong December 16, 2011 at 12:33 pm

With all that tinpot cowboy posterin' and baby Jaysus lovin' proselytizin', how could this asshole NOT be gay?

MzNicky December 16, 2011 at 1:31 pm

And have a small wienie?

Tundra Grifter December 16, 2011 at 12:35 pm

The guy couldn't open an unlocked door? Does kinda sound like Gov. Perry…

Meanwhile, I guess down in Texas the only glory holes they have are in the oil patch.

Invite a total stranger into your apartment to have anonymous sex in the complete dark? Why would anyone think that wouldn't end well? Frankly, James is quite fortunate to live through it – worst fuck and all.

ifthethunderdontgetya December 16, 2011 at 12:36 pm

…Rick Perry may just be the most monstrously self-loathing closeted old queen in America.

Yeah, and the earth just may revolve around the sun.
~

elviouslyqueer December 16, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Rick Perry may just be the most monstrously self-loathing closeted old queen in America.

Um, Lindsey Graham would like a minute for rebuttal.

Loaded_Pants December 16, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Or Marcus Bachmann? Or any number of self-loathing closeted anti-gay right-wingers?

PalinzADummy December 16, 2011 at 3:52 pm

hehe you said re*butt*al

Mumbletypeg December 16, 2011 at 12:37 pm

"The queerest of the queer. The strangest of the strange.
The coldest of the cool. The lamest of the lame.
The numbest of the dumb. I hate to see you here.
You choke behind a smile. A fake behind the fear.
The queerest of the queer…" ♪ ♫

Dang, I didn't even need to adjust any of the lyrics. Wonder if Shirley Manson had met Perry when she wrote'em?

ifthethunderdontgetya December 16, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Senators Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell leaped to Rick Perry's defense: "He is SO FUCKING BUTCH!", they said.

P.S. Leapt is a word, wordpress or whatever your name is.
~

SexySmurf December 16, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Only two things come from Texas: steers and um…I forget the second. Oops.

HateMachine December 16, 2011 at 12:39 pm

“Oh my God,” thought James. “I just got fucked by Rick Perry!”

You and all the rest of Texas, James.

HateMachine December 16, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Wow, I was definitely last to the party on this joke.

Wilcoxyz December 16, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Well, I put my cock in three kinds of holes, uhhh, forgot the third one. Ooops.

mavenmaven December 16, 2011 at 12:41 pm

This is truly a seminal account.

Joshua Norton December 16, 2011 at 12:42 pm

It's not "gay" if you don't kiss, it's just friction. Ask any closet case republican.

Biff December 16, 2011 at 12:43 pm

When the fuck did answering CL ads become the cyber-equivalent of Penthouse Forums?

HateMachine December 16, 2011 at 12:52 pm

I never thought it would happen to me, but…

…since I respond to Craigslist ads, it happens to me all the time.

Biff December 16, 2011 at 1:12 pm

All I got out of a CL ad was a new/used/possibly stolen tailgate for my Mighty Dodge.

zappadoo76 December 16, 2011 at 12:46 pm

We had a moron for a 8 years. Now we have a black guy. Why not a bull queer? What do you people have against diversity?

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Apparently, Rick the Prick is *also* a moron, so it's kinda redundant and repetitive.

zappadoo76 December 16, 2011 at 2:55 pm

It's a two-fer.

Mojopo December 16, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Where is the "You know who else had a short dick?" thread?

poncho_pilot December 16, 2011 at 12:56 pm

or: "you know who else had a small dick and couldn't work a knob in the dark?"

Loaded_Pants December 16, 2011 at 3:44 pm

aka "the Todd Palin thread." Or, hell, even any Sarah Palin thread.

poncho_pilot December 16, 2011 at 4:38 pm

"you know who else could work a dark knob?"

chicken_thief December 16, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Hillary?

horsedreamer_1 December 18, 2011 at 5:38 pm

More likely, Chyna.

V572 the Merciless December 16, 2011 at 1:02 pm

You know who else is tired of you-know-who-else threads?

Not me actually. They're often full of good funny.

SayItWithWookies December 16, 2011 at 1:56 pm

You know who else is that meta?

horsedreamer_1 December 18, 2011 at 5:38 pm

The former Ron Artest?

Tundra Grifter December 16, 2011 at 2:02 pm

All of them, Katie. Sadly.

Swampgas_Man December 16, 2011 at 4:21 pm

But does he have only one ball?

cheetojeebus December 16, 2011 at 12:48 pm

OT, sort of, another closeted (not so much now) republican(Mississippi) tied up in embezzling and sex shops. stunning revelation right?

donner_froh December 16, 2011 at 12:48 pm

The argument against Perry being gay is that covering it up through a career in politics takes some intelligence, ability to plan and at least a modicum of self control. Perry has none of these–he is a stupid fuck.

Isyaignert December 16, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Not just a stupid fuck, a bad fuck too.

Loaded_Pants December 16, 2011 at 3:55 pm

A bad fuck is bad. A stupid fuck is bad. A bad fuck with a stupid fuck is even worse.

EatsBabyDingos December 16, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Homo Erectus meats Homo Denius. Santorum ensues.

chicken_thief December 16, 2011 at 12:51 pm

It may be "a little dick" to James, but Michele is still envious because she knows it dwarfs her little love button.

VespulaMaculata December 16, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Dear Rick,
Tough it out. If not, see you on "Wife Swap."
Love, Ted Haggard

Isyaignert December 16, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Ted Haggard – the Crystal Methodist.

Loaded_Pants December 16, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Next Haggard project: trying to raise funds for a Crystal Meth Cathedral.

JustPixelz December 16, 2011 at 12:56 pm

I call bullshit.

The guy claims to recognize Perry when his face is illuminated while leaving by the front door. (After coming in the back door, ha ha.) But how did he NOT recognize Perry by the a) small dick*, b) short endurance, c) stink of corruption, and d) small dick?
_________________
* I have no personal knowledge of Perry's penis size. I know he is a big dick, but small by Gingrich standards.

V572 the Merciless December 16, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Question: is it easier to hate Gingrich than it was Chimpy because Gingrich looks like an aging Gerber baby with colic? At least Small Bush was a nice-looking man, whatever his many,many other limitations, foibles, egregious errors, unearned hubris, limitless ignorance and lack of curiosity. I feel hatred rising every time I see Newtie, or hear him speak. You have to be especially careful not to watch him on HD television…so scary.

And he's not intelligent, he's crafty. As Mozart said about believing and shitting, those are two very different things.

LetUsBray December 17, 2011 at 12:28 am

I didn't think that Cowboy Caligula was nice-looking at all. He had that dam,n smirk on his face all the time. I hate smirks, especially now that they remind me of Old Five-to-Four.

V572 the Merciless December 17, 2011 at 12:39 am

Okay, but whose mug would you rather see on the teevee every night for four years–Chimpy's or Gingrich's?What a question. I'm sorry we're reduced to this level.

spends2much December 16, 2011 at 12:56 pm

That's some impressive gag suppression sk ill he's using on that corn dog. If, after "finishing" the corn dog, Rick started weeping and passed some Anti-Gay Legislation, well, that's all the proof you could possibly need.

Isyaignert December 16, 2011 at 1:58 pm

I like the photo of Marcus Bachmann trying to resist the big stiff corn dog that Michele is trying to feed him. It's as if he's reacting to his self-administered anti-gay "treatment" http://underthemountainbunker.com/2011/08/16/marc

Loaded_Pants December 16, 2011 at 3:52 pm

That's so cute…he just pretended like he never had anything shaped like it in his mouth before.

Loaded_Pants December 16, 2011 at 3:53 pm

He ate the whole dog & I shudder to think about what he may have done with the stick.

Tommmcattt December 16, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Speaking on behalf of aging queens everywhere:

Do.Not. Want.

elviouslyqueer December 16, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Speaking on behalf of aging queens every homosexual with a pulse everywhere:

/fixed

bureaucrap December 16, 2011 at 3:13 pm

I dunno. I might do him if I got some hawt, hawt government contracts out of it.

PalinzADummy December 16, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Thank you. (sweats)

x111e7thst December 16, 2011 at 1:00 pm

An openly gay (former) state legislator in Texas? Now that is a manly man.

Dashboard Buddha December 16, 2011 at 1:00 pm

“I just got fucked by Rick Perry!”

For a while there it looked like we were all going to be fucked by Perry. Now it looks like we could be fucked by Newt or Mittens.

Neither promises to be a pleasant sensation. Best to lock the door.

fartknocker December 16, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Glen Maxey was my representative before he went to the private sector. True story: It's pretty common to see Glen and his significant other at the Continental Club on South Congress Avenue for the Tuesday Hippy Hour with Toni Price and Alejandro Escovedo. It's so nice to see him dig up more shit on Gubnor Big Hair.

Biff December 16, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Geez, Toni Price. Has she survived her alcoholism? Love the hell out of her, but she's really got to slow that roll…

Limeylizzie December 16, 2011 at 1:42 pm

I love Alejandro and was pals with him when I lived off South Congress.

imissopus December 16, 2011 at 1:05 pm

My corn dog just shrank a little from reading this story.

Limeylizzie December 16, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Stick it between my tits then.

chicken_thief December 16, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Don't know about imissopus but it worked wonders for me – muchos gracias!

PalinzADummy December 16, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Looks like half of Wonketz just got a boner.

imissopus December 17, 2011 at 1:06 am

You're in Silver Lake, correct? I'll be right over.

Loaded_Pants December 16, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Much like the one that entered Perry's mouth at the fair.

poncho_pilot December 16, 2011 at 1:05 pm

meh. Perry is a sign of how boring our country has become. if he were interesting he'd be like,

" fuck yeah, i'm gay. i'm a god damn abomination! i like to have anonymous sex with strangers i've contacted on Craigslist. have you seen me deep throat a corn dog? but–i'll still demonize gays because you want me to. that's how much i care. that's how much i love America. i'm willing to fuck gays in the ass for you! because i love you. i'm Rick Perry and i approve this message."

Swampgas_Man December 16, 2011 at 4:24 pm

He fucks men in the ass because he just loves this country soooo much.

Allmighty_Manos December 16, 2011 at 1:06 pm

“He jerked down his shorts,” [James said], “It lasted about a minute. He had a little dick. It was the worst fuck of my life. And on top of it all he stunk because he had been jogging. He then pulled up his shorts and put the used condom in his pocket.”

Kind of sounds like how a Perry presidency would go.

Tundra Grifter December 16, 2011 at 1:06 pm

FS:

Putting it into his pocket just sounds so GROSS!

Doesn't he have a baggie from the last town hall meeting? Take out his birth certificate and put the scumbag in there.

Swampgas_Man December 16, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Giant scumbag Rick Perry wouldn't fit in a little baggie. Maybe a giant trash bag– "HEFTY HEFTY HEFTY!"

Nostrildamus December 16, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Like Rick Perry's campaign, but more sadly, Christopher Hitchens is dead. A /. poster had a nice poem for it:

He raised all our IQs a notch.
Idiocy fell on his watch.
We all know that Hitch
was nobody's bitch,
so let's thank him by raising a scotch.

V572 the Merciless December 16, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Damn, that's bad news, even if expected. That mix of eloquence and arrogance was infuriating and delightful. What a writer…He may have been a gin-soaked ex-Trotskyist popinjay, but he was our gin-soaked, ex-Trotskyist popinjay.

poncho_pilot December 16, 2011 at 1:11 pm

yeah. but most of us can do it without backup from a security detail.

hagajim December 16, 2011 at 1:11 pm

I have a great idea, why don't we make Ricky Preznit – so we can all get fucked by him. I'm getting a little tired of being fucked by the current White House occupant.

Isyaignert December 16, 2011 at 2:25 pm

When is your baby due?

sbj1964 December 16, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Yes President Obama has Killed Saddam Hussein,Osama Bin Laden,Mo-mar Qaddafi,Gave us a national health care,Ended the Iraq war,Has kept Taxes lower than any other President in 50 years,and defends the payroll tax cuts for the middle class.While dealing with the mess G.W. Bush left behind.And you think you are getting screwed?

sbj1964 December 16, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Rick Perry, Broke Back Homophobe? "He had a little dick". So much for everything is bigger in Texas.

Loaded_Pants December 16, 2011 at 3:12 pm

The claim that everything is bigger in Texas was simply a way of distracting people from all the things that are smaller in TX–like intelligence & penises.

BigDumbRedDog December 16, 2011 at 1:14 pm

"I just got fucked by Rick Perry and all I got was this t-shirt!"

BigDumbRedDog December 16, 2011 at 1:15 pm

"Now that you've been fucked by Rick Perry, what are you going to do next?"

"I'm going to Dsineyland!"

randomsausage December 16, 2011 at 1:20 pm

He's definitely not a happy gay, ala Mark Foley. He's more a self-loathing Larry "wide stance" Craig kinda gay. Either way he's gayer than a window.

Gratuitous World December 16, 2011 at 1:26 pm

So that's what "shooting the coyote" really means! Get on that, urbandictionary

Dashboard Buddha December 16, 2011 at 2:16 pm

This could be the next "santorum"!

DaRooster December 16, 2011 at 1:27 pm

This "leak" is only a ploy to get Gay voters… well played Parry Camp…

Tundra Grifter December 16, 2011 at 2:03 pm

DR:

I'd say Perry was more butch than camp.

GOPCrusher December 16, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Worst. Penthouse. Forum. Letter. Ever.

jakegittes December 16, 2011 at 1:32 pm

"Get it on" in them debates, Rick.

MzNicky December 16, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Bullies always have little dicks. It's why they're bullies, for one thing.

What I want to know is: What's with Li'l Ricky's shirt collars? Does he have no neck, or does he have his shirts custom-made like that to hide a tattoo? Or perhaps some hideous scarring?

Limeylizzie December 16, 2011 at 1:44 pm

I loathe that collar thing, it looks as if he's in a barbershop quartet or something.

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 2:48 pm

"What's with Li'l Ricky's shirt collars?"

He really wants to wear his collars turned up, but he's afraid that will make him look like a douche.

Oblios_Cap December 19, 2011 at 12:32 pm

They hide the circumcision scar…

Limeylizzie December 16, 2011 at 1:43 pm

I just bought this for my Kindle, will be updating if I read anything good.

chicken_thief December 16, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Please keep the tits available – they're likely to be needed with any Perrywinkle posts.

Rotundo_ December 16, 2011 at 1:56 pm

It's just a shame someone didn't have the photographic goods on Ricky. A good profile shot showing his mighty 3 incher about to plow some rentboy, Rick's hair all fucked up, sweaty and stupid looking. That would pretty much finish up his political career and send him off to peddling real estate or used cars as befits a moron of his sort.

Tommmcattt December 16, 2011 at 2:10 pm

High-school guidance counselor

poncho_pilot December 16, 2011 at 2:40 pm

he lives in a man down by the river.

Nesnora December 16, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Jizz-libel!

SayItWithWookies December 16, 2011 at 2:02 pm

And this is why one should never have gay sex with a man who failed animal husbandry.

Bots Meat Commission December 16, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Wait. THIS is what people use Craigslist for?

Tommmcattt December 16, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Where have you been for the last 10 years?

Loaded_Pants December 16, 2011 at 3:17 pm

That & selling off their old Beanie Babies & NASCAR "collectibles" so they can buy their hobo beans & try to keep the lights on. Or that's at least what Craigslist is for around these parts. Also: gloryholes.

sezme December 16, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Now if only he can get America to lie down on the bed with its shorts down and its eyes closed.

Loaded_Pants December 16, 2011 at 3:40 pm

"Don't worry, it'll be over in under a minute….."

actor212 December 16, 2011 at 2:11 pm

A Republican with a small penis. Gee…what a shock!

jus_wonderin December 16, 2011 at 2:12 pm

I am not totally convinced that Ricky was having problems with the door knob. He was merely torn between using it for its intended purpose and using it for…a dildo.

JimNauseam December 16, 2011 at 2:23 pm

If you're on top, it isn't gay. Just ask Jeff Gannon.

DahBoner December 16, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Rick Perry–always on the wrong end of a broom.

Barrelhse December 16, 2011 at 2:56 pm

He WAS a cheerleader, let's not forget.

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 3:03 pm

"The [Craigslist] posting asked for someone willing to unlock the door, turn off the lights, and lie face-down on the bed, legs spread. … James heard someone struggling to open the door. …. “He jerked down his shorts,” [James said], “It lasted about a minute. He had a little dick. It was the worst fuck of my life. And on top of it all he stunk because he had been jogging."

OK, I understand that a *little* bit of danger can be a turn-on, and I'll freely concede that having to be in the same room with Rick Perry is probably it's own punishment, even without the shitty lay… but does it seem to anyone else that running this ad — in *Texas*, no less! — could potentially be setting someone up for robbery and/or gay bashing?

Tommmcattt December 16, 2011 at 10:09 pm

That's the draw, honey. That's all about the risk.

Not my cup of tea, but speaking as a member of the tribe… the risky, transgressive feel is what I would imagine they were looking for.

Loaded_Pants December 16, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Clues that it was Perry?
1. Couldn't figure out how to open a friggin' unlocked door.
2. Screamed out "Oh god, Tim I love being inside you!" during the act.

owhatever December 16, 2011 at 5:13 pm

I almost do not believe this story at all.

Walkinwiddaking December 16, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Holy cow, it looks like he is going to ram that corn dog to the back of his throat!

Fawkdifiknow December 16, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Corn dog libel!!

ttommyunger December 16, 2011 at 11:27 pm

“I just got fucked by Rick Perry!” Something his wife hasn't said in years, you betcha!

PalinzADummy December 17, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Hmm … I drink I was thunker than I am I thought. Geez. Those pain meds are strong.

I shall return. As soon as I've figured out what tehj-bnlanks R.

Tundra Grifter December 17, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Filling in the blanks?

Drawing a blank?

Or just shootin' blanks?

V572 the Merciless December 19, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Let’s go have a beer with him! And then he’ll send us to Gitmo!

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