sausage fest

Rick Perry’s Rumored Adventures In Gay Sex, Now in Book Form!

Would've made a perfectly good book cover.

Biblehumper bozo barbie Rick Perry has been annoying everyone lately with his truly awful attempts to prove to the Jesus People contingent that he deserves to rule the country for his Tex-ass tuff talk on gays in the military, so it’s fitting and timely that openly gay former Texas legislator Glen Maxey (a Democrat, we said “openly”) has just released a hilarious new book-form collection of the many sordid rumors indicating that Rick Perry may just be the most monstrously self-loathing closeted old queen in America. Sneak peek “revelation” from the book: some guy who claims he had anonymous sex with Perry says the hair monster has a small penis!

Gawker’s John Cook brings us this money-quote excerpt from the book:

The [Craigslist] posting asked for someone willing to unlock the door, turn off the lights, and lie face-down on the bed, legs spread. [Texas real estate agent] James replied to the ad, and did as instructed. As he lay on his bed in the dark, James heard someone struggling to open the door. Shielding his eyes, he ran out and opened the door…. “He jerked down his shorts,” [James said], “It lasted about a minute. He had a little dick. It was the worst fuck of my life. And on top of it all he stunk because he had been jogging. He then pulled up his shorts and put the used condom in his pocket.”

As the mystery man tried to leave James’ apartment, he struggled with the front door, which had a tendency to jam. The man started yelling for James to help him…. As James opened it…his face was illuminated, and seen by James for the first time.

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“Oh my God,” thought James. “I just got fucked by Rick Perry!”

So yes, all RUMORS no one can prove of course, but to be cautious: hide your corn dogs, kids. We certainly know they aren’t safe around Rick Perry. [Gawker]

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187 comments

      1. DahBoner

        Perry is rich, because his mommy and daddy were rich.

        That makes him "smarter" than the average Texan.

        Swear to God, they actually believe rich people are smart down there..

    1. Tundra Grifter

      There's a guy who's done it before.

      It's not likely he was going to get his partner pregnant. No DNA evidence?

      1. Barb

        Wow, welcome back! I hope you are on the mend and feeling better soon.
        I'm going to go and look at wedding cakes online.

        1. PalinzADummy

          (Hugs the beautiful lady) Thanks! The pain meds make me hallucinate, which is eyry interesting, and also i can't see too well but luckily i type by touch i think. I'm feeling great, except that periodically I have to take another pill or two and my awakeness seems to run in little waves i start out fine and wind down after a minute or two and then wind back up.

          Be sure to pick something all three of us will like. Hugs to Jeff, and tell him NO BLACK WALNUT.

      1. Mojopo

        Honestly, it's not hard to suspend my disbelief. This kind of would explain why Rick goes jogging with a weapon (he's afraid of being attacked by a Craigslist butt-darts partner?). Because that silly coyote story does not wash. Not ever.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Oh gross. I just went into an ugly, ugly thought tunnel. I was thinking about how that cum-crying talk made me wanna slap him. Then I thought about how jowly he is. THEN I thought, is that tan of his like a real golfer's tan? Is his chest all white and golf-bally?

        1. PalinzADummy

          I don't think it's a tan at all, I think he has cirrhosis of the liver with attendant jaundice, which is what gives him that great colour; he then has to spray-mask it with some "fleisch"-coloured spray so people don't try to bury him while he's still speaking.

  1. Not_So_Much

    I figured it was common knowledge that anyone who compensates with a hand-cannon to shoot coyote puppies must have a micro-penis?

  2. ManchuCandidate

    Considering how brain dead Rick Perry's gang is, I'm pretty sure quotes from that will end up on his campaign ads.

    "He had a little Dick!"

    "It was the worst fuck of my life."

    Vote Rick Perry.

  3. SexySmurf

    And on top of it all he stunk because he had been jogging.

    So this is what he meant by "shooting the coyote."

    1. Callyson

      Well, if Perry isn't into girls, that's one of the few indignities of his administration that has not impacted Texas' women…

  4. Sue4466

    It might be all rumor, but we know Perry has a small wiener. All that Texas shit-kicker schtick is compensating for something.

    1. tessiee

      There's an old joke, the punch line of which goes, "Once I got past the part where you were, it was terrific".

  5. Callyson

    Would this be the flip side to that saying "The higher the hair, the closer to Jesus"? Along the lines of "the smaller the dick, the further from Jesus"?

  6. LettucePrey

    Yesterday Newt Gingrich signed some idiotic pledge to deny gays the right to marry. Can't we pass legislation denying all Kardashians the right to marry?

    1. SayItWithWookies

      The promises Newt makes only apply to everyone else. He's actually on the record as saying that.

    2. Loaded_Pants

      After signing the pledge, he told the buxom young lady that presented it to him: "Do you want a job? I'm a historian & I'm running for President. I also have a Tiffany's account!"

  7. freakishlywrong

    With all that tinpot cowboy posterin' and baby Jaysus lovin' proselytizin', how could this asshole NOT be gay?

  8. Tundra Grifter

    The guy couldn't open an unlocked door? Does kinda sound like Gov. Perry…

    Meanwhile, I guess down in Texas the only glory holes they have are in the oil patch.

    Invite a total stranger into your apartment to have anonymous sex in the complete dark? Why would anyone think that wouldn't end well? Frankly, James is quite fortunate to live through it – worst fuck and all.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Rick Perry may just be the most monstrously self-loathing closeted old queen in America.

      Um, Lindsey Graham would like a minute for rebuttal.

  9. Mumbletypeg

    "The queerest of the queer. The strangest of the strange.
    The coldest of the cool. The lamest of the lame.
    The numbest of the dumb. I hate to see you here.
    You choke behind a smile. A fake behind the fear.
    The queerest of the queer…" ♪ ♫

    Dang, I didn't even need to adjust any of the lyrics. Wonder if Shirley Manson had met Perry when she wrote'em?

  10. HateMachine

    “Oh my God,” thought James. “I just got fucked by Rick Perry!”

    You and all the rest of Texas, James.

    1. HateMachine

      I never thought it would happen to me, but…

      …since I respond to Craigslist ads, it happens to me all the time.

  11. zappadoo76

    We had a moron for a 8 years. Now we have a black guy. Why not a bull queer? What do you people have against diversity?

    1. V572 the Merciless

      You know who else is tired of you-know-who-else threads?

      Not me actually. They're often full of good funny.

  12. cheetojeebus

    OT, sort of, another closeted (not so much now) republican(Mississippi) tied up in embezzling and sex shops. stunning revelation right?

  13. donner_froh

    The argument against Perry being gay is that covering it up through a career in politics takes some intelligence, ability to plan and at least a modicum of self control. Perry has none of these–he is a stupid fuck.

  14. chicken_thief

    It may be "a little dick" to James, but Michele is still envious because she knows it dwarfs her little love button.

  15. JustPixelz

    I call bullshit.

    The guy claims to recognize Perry when his face is illuminated while leaving by the front door. (After coming in the back door, ha ha.) But how did he NOT recognize Perry by the a) small dick*, b) short endurance, c) stink of corruption, and d) small dick?
    _________________
    * I have no personal knowledge of Perry's penis size. I know he is a big dick, but small by Gingrich standards.

    1. V572 the Merciless

      Question: is it easier to hate Gingrich than it was Chimpy because Gingrich looks like an aging Gerber baby with colic? At least Small Bush was a nice-looking man, whatever his many,many other limitations, foibles, egregious errors, unearned hubris, limitless ignorance and lack of curiosity. I feel hatred rising every time I see Newtie, or hear him speak. You have to be especially careful not to watch him on HD television…so scary.

      And he's not intelligent, he's crafty. As Mozart said about believing and shitting, those are two very different things.

      1. LetUsBray

        I didn't think that Cowboy Caligula was nice-looking at all. He had that dam,n smirk on his face all the time. I hate smirks, especially now that they remind me of Old Five-to-Four.

        1. V572 the Merciless

          Okay, but whose mug would you rather see on the teevee every night for four years–Chimpy's or Gingrich's?What a question. I'm sorry we're reduced to this level.

  16. spends2much

    That's some impressive gag suppression sk ill he's using on that corn dog. If, after "finishing" the corn dog, Rick started weeping and passed some Anti-Gay Legislation, well, that's all the proof you could possibly need.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        That's so cute…he just pretended like he never had anything shaped like it in his mouth before.

  17. Dashboard Buddha

    “I just got fucked by Rick Perry!”

    For a while there it looked like we were all going to be fucked by Perry. Now it looks like we could be fucked by Newt or Mittens.

    Neither promises to be a pleasant sensation. Best to lock the door.

  18. fartknocker

    Glen Maxey was my representative before he went to the private sector. True story: It's pretty common to see Glen and his significant other at the Continental Club on South Congress Avenue for the Tuesday Hippy Hour with Toni Price and Alejandro Escovedo. It's so nice to see him dig up more shit on Gubnor Big Hair.

    1. Biff

      Geez, Toni Price. Has she survived her alcoholism? Love the hell out of her, but she's really got to slow that roll…

  19. poncho_pilot

    meh. Perry is a sign of how boring our country has become. if he were interesting he'd be like,

    " fuck yeah, i'm gay. i'm a god damn abomination! i like to have anonymous sex with strangers i've contacted on Craigslist. have you seen me deep throat a corn dog? but–i'll still demonize gays because you want me to. that's how much i care. that's how much i love America. i'm willing to fuck gays in the ass for you! because i love you. i'm Rick Perry and i approve this message."

  20. Allmighty_Manos

    “He jerked down his shorts,” [James said], “It lasted about a minute. He had a little dick. It was the worst fuck of my life. And on top of it all he stunk because he had been jogging. He then pulled up his shorts and put the used condom in his pocket.”

    Kind of sounds like how a Perry presidency would go.

  21. Tundra Grifter

    FS:

    Putting it into his pocket just sounds so GROSS!

    Doesn't he have a baggie from the last town hall meeting? Take out his birth certificate and put the scumbag in there.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      Giant scumbag Rick Perry wouldn't fit in a little baggie. Maybe a giant trash bag– "HEFTY HEFTY HEFTY!"

  22. Nostrildamus

    Like Rick Perry's campaign, but more sadly, Christopher Hitchens is dead. A /. poster had a nice poem for it:

    He raised all our IQs a notch.
    Idiocy fell on his watch.
    We all know that Hitch
    was nobody's bitch,
    so let's thank him by raising a scotch.

    1. V572 the Merciless

      Damn, that's bad news, even if expected. That mix of eloquence and arrogance was infuriating and delightful. What a writer…He may have been a gin-soaked ex-Trotskyist popinjay, but he was our gin-soaked, ex-Trotskyist popinjay.

  23. hagajim

    I have a great idea, why don't we make Ricky Preznit – so we can all get fucked by him. I'm getting a little tired of being fucked by the current White House occupant.

      1. sbj1964

        Yes President Obama has Killed Saddam Hussein,Osama Bin Laden,Mo-mar Qaddafi,Gave us a national health care,Ended the Iraq war,Has kept Taxes lower than any other President in 50 years,and defends the payroll tax cuts for the middle class.While dealing with the mess G.W. Bush left behind.And you think you are getting screwed?

    1. Loaded_Pants

      The claim that everything is bigger in Texas was simply a way of distracting people from all the things that are smaller in TX–like intelligence & penises.

  24. BigDumbRedDog

    "Now that you've been fucked by Rick Perry, what are you going to do next?"

    "I'm going to Dsineyland!"

  25. randomsausage

    He's definitely not a happy gay, ala Mark Foley. He's more a self-loathing Larry "wide stance" Craig kinda gay. Either way he's gayer than a window.

  26. MzNicky

    Bullies always have little dicks. It's why they're bullies, for one thing.

    What I want to know is: What's with Li'l Ricky's shirt collars? Does he have no neck, or does he have his shirts custom-made like that to hide a tattoo? Or perhaps some hideous scarring?

    1. tessiee

      "What's with Li'l Ricky's shirt collars?"

      He really wants to wear his collars turned up, but he's afraid that will make him look like a douche.

  27. Rotundo_

    It's just a shame someone didn't have the photographic goods on Ricky. A good profile shot showing his mighty 3 incher about to plow some rentboy, Rick's hair all fucked up, sweaty and stupid looking. That would pretty much finish up his political career and send him off to peddling real estate or used cars as befits a moron of his sort.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      That & selling off their old Beanie Babies & NASCAR "collectibles" so they can buy their hobo beans & try to keep the lights on. Or that's at least what Craigslist is for around these parts. Also: gloryholes.

  28. jus_wonderin

    I am not totally convinced that Ricky was having problems with the door knob. He was merely torn between using it for its intended purpose and using it for…a dildo.

  29. tessiee

    "The [Craigslist] posting asked for someone willing to unlock the door, turn off the lights, and lie face-down on the bed, legs spread. … James heard someone struggling to open the door. …. “He jerked down his shorts,” [James said], “It lasted about a minute. He had a little dick. It was the worst fuck of my life. And on top of it all he stunk because he had been jogging."

    OK, I understand that a *little* bit of danger can be a turn-on, and I'll freely concede that having to be in the same room with Rick Perry is probably it's own punishment, even without the shitty lay… but does it seem to anyone else that running this ad — in *Texas*, no less! — could potentially be setting someone up for robbery and/or gay bashing?

    1. Tommmcattt

      That's the draw, honey. That's all about the risk.

      Not my cup of tea, but speaking as a member of the tribe… the risky, transgressive feel is what I would imagine they were looking for.

  30. Loaded_Pants

    Clues that it was Perry?
    1. Couldn't figure out how to open a friggin' unlocked door.
    2. Screamed out "Oh god, Tim I love being inside you!" during the act.

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