Biblehumper bozo barbie Rick Perry has been annoying everyone lately with his truly awful attempts to prove to the Jesus People contingent that he deserves to rule the country for his Tex-ass tuff talk on gays in the military, so it’s fitting and timely that openly gay former Texas legislator Glen Maxey (a Democrat, we said “openly”) has just released a hilarious new book-form collection of the many sordid rumors indicating that Rick Perry may just be the most monstrously self-loathing closeted old queen in America. Sneak peek “revelation” from the book: some guy who claims he had anonymous sex with Perry says the hair monster has a small penis!
Gawker’s John Cook brings us this money-quote excerpt from the book:
The [Craigslist] posting asked for someone willing to unlock the door, turn off the lights, and lie face-down on the bed, legs spread. [Texas real estate agent] James replied to the ad, and did as instructed. As he lay on his bed in the dark, James heard someone struggling to open the door. Shielding his eyes, he ran out and opened the door…. “He jerked down his shorts,” [James said], “It lasted about a minute. He had a little dick. It was the worst fuck of my life. And on top of it all he stunk because he had been jogging. He then pulled up his shorts and put the used condom in his pocket.”
As the mystery man tried to leave James’ apartment, he struggled with the front door, which had a tendency to jam. The man started yelling for James to help him…. As James opened it…his face was illuminated, and seen by James for the first time.
“Oh my God,” thought James. “I just got fucked by Rick Perry!”
So yes, all RUMORS no one can prove of course, but to be cautious: hide your corn dogs, kids. We certainly know they aren’t safe around Rick Perry. [Gawker]
{ 188 comments }
“I just got f**ked by Rick Perry!”
So did Texas.
I disagree – Texans fucked themselves by voting this asshole into office…three fucking times!
Perry is rich, because his mommy and daddy were rich.
That makes him "smarter" than the average Texan.
Swear to God, they actually believe rich people are smart down there..
Rick Perry got W's sloppy seconds?
It was Rick Perry in the library with the candlestick. Now I have to clean off the candlestick.
Not a chance. When was Rick Perry ever in a library?
He was in there reading Lowered Barn's great work, "Don Juan."
I would think he "don juan" anything to do with books *or* furriners.
C'mon, it's Texas.
It was in the lieberry.
Santorum's a stubborn thing.
Had to be a votive then.
You know you are a idiotic loser when you are running a campaign that panders 100% to Fundies and still can't get Iowans to vote for you.
He put the used condom in his pocket? The Governor packs his own lunch?
There's a guy who's done it before.
It's not likely he was going to get his partner pregnant. No DNA evidence?
Definitely lacks the hurried panache of panties in the purse.
ZOMG, I'm totally ripped from the pain meds, but EVEN I got grossed out by this!
Oh, Barb, MARRY ME! We'll take Jeffers with us.
Wow, welcome back! I hope you are on the mend and feeling better soon.
I'm going to go and look at wedding cakes online.
(Hugs the beautiful lady) Thanks! The pain meds make me hallucinate, which is eyry interesting, and also i can't see too well but luckily i type by touch i think. I'm feeling great, except that periodically I have to take another pill or two and my awakeness seems to run in little waves i start out fine and wind down after a minute or two and then wind back up.
Be sure to pick something all three of us will like. Hugs to Jeff, and tell him NO BLACK WALNUT.
Don't ask Rick Perry for catering advice.
Gimme that dong chim, baby!
"The Governor packs his own lunch?"
Apparently, that's all he's packing.
Fucking Joggers. I mean, really.
I wonder if he shot a coyote before of after the sexy time…
James is rather fortunate he didn't get one in the back of the head. After getting one in the …
… back of the behind?
This is the fill-in-tehj-bnlanks game, right?
MadLibs for adults.—
Honestly, it's not hard to suspend my disbelief. This kind of would explain why Rick goes jogging with a weapon (he's afraid of being attacked by a Craigslist butt-darts partner?). Because that silly coyote story does not wash. Not ever.
M:
Cue Chuck Wagon and The Wheels: "One Less Jogger on the Road."
That's also what every teacher in Texas said this year.
I've always relied on the kindness of strangers to unlock the front door.
Being hung like a hamster is an honored Republican tradition.
Rick Perry's balls are the Devil's dumplings!
That may well be(e), but I haz it on good authority that Rick Purreh is hung like a BEE!
Wow. Perry fucks JUST LIKE he governs. I bet this means sex with Boehner is soooo depressing.
he probably cries afterwards. or during. or before.
And probably leaves orange stains everywhere. Ugh..it's lunchtime.
I can see Boehner now, getting all verklempt, right in the middle of it.
"HELL NO!"
Oh gross. I just went into an ugly, ugly thought tunnel. I was thinking about how that cum-crying talk made me wanna slap him. Then I thought about how jowly he is. THEN I thought, is that tan of his like a real golfer's tan? Is his chest all white and golf-bally?
Pasty white man-boobs. Treasure that image.
I don't think it's a tan at all, I think he has cirrhosis of the liver with attendant jaundice, which is what gives him that great colour; he then has to spray-mask it with some "fleisch"-coloured spray so people don't try to bury him while he's still speaking.
I figured it was common knowledge that anyone who compensates with a hand-cannon to shoot coyote puppies must have a micro-penis?
Well,. it was only a .380. More of a micro hand-cannon.
Considering how brain dead Rick Perry's gang is, I'm pretty sure quotes from that will end up on his campaign ads.
"He had a little Dick!"
"It was the worst fuck of my life."
Vote Rick Perry.
Vote Rick Purreh! It WON'T hurt when HE screws you!
" ' -It was the worst fuck of my life', so Ricky's obviously straight!"
Best. Bumpersticker. Ever.
Auto-complete is never wrong.
And on top of it all he stunk because he had been jogging.
So this is what he meant by "shooting the coyote."
or it was "Summers Steve"
Or means Rickie is coyote ugly.
"Mmmmmm, cornhole dog"..
Ok, is there anyone living in Texas that has not been Ass raped by Rick Perry? That's what I thought.
Well, if Perry isn't into girls, that's one of the few indignities of his administration that has not impacted Texas' women…
Due to Princess Tiny Meat Syndrome, anyone literally phucked by Perry would never feel it.
This is probably the one out of three CL ads Perry will not be able to recall answering.
It might be all rumor, but we know Perry has a small wiener. All that Texas shit-kicker schtick is compensating for something.
There's an old joke, the punch line of which goes, "Once I got past the part where you were, it was terrific".
What a cheap-fucker! Probably shook the fuck out of that condom and used it again!
Why not he only used a 1/4 of the condom, if my repulicant math is right he has 2 more goes with it.
Rinse, reuse, recycle. Save the earth, man.
Turn that bad boy inside out – works fine, just like a pillow case
Or underroos. Long as they don't got no skid marks.
It's so easy to write this kind of thing in Texas–the material is depressingly omnipresent.
Wow, how uninspiring and totally expected. Even Boehner ends up limp….
Would this be the flip side to that saying "The higher the hair, the closer to Jesus"? Along the lines of "the smaller the dick, the further from Jesus"?
Yesterday Newt Gingrich signed some idiotic pledge to deny gays the right to marry. Can't we pass legislation denying all Kardashians the right to marry?
If I was gay, I wouldn't sweat it too much – Newt has been known to break a vow or two.
The promises Newt makes only apply to everyone else. He's actually on the record as saying that.
After signing the pledge, he told the buxom young lady that presented it to him: "Do you want a job? I'm a historian & I'm running for President. I also have a Tiffany's account!"
With all that tinpot cowboy posterin' and baby Jaysus lovin' proselytizin', how could this asshole NOT be gay?
And have a small wienie?
The guy couldn't open an unlocked door? Does kinda sound like Gov. Perry…
Meanwhile, I guess down in Texas the only glory holes they have are in the oil patch.
Invite a total stranger into your apartment to have anonymous sex in the complete dark? Why would anyone think that wouldn't end well? Frankly, James is quite fortunate to live through it – worst fuck and all.
…Rick Perry may just be the most monstrously self-loathing closeted old queen in America.
Yeah, and the earth just may revolve around the sun.
~
Rick Perry may just be the most monstrously self-loathing closeted old queen in America.
Um, Lindsey Graham would like a minute for rebuttal.
Or Marcus Bachmann? Or any number of self-loathing closeted anti-gay right-wingers?
hehe you said re*butt*al
"The queerest of the queer. The strangest of the strange.
The coldest of the cool. The lamest of the lame.
The numbest of the dumb. I hate to see you here.
You choke behind a smile. A fake behind the fear.
The queerest of the queer…" ♪ ♫
Dang, I didn't even need to adjust any of the lyrics. Wonder if Shirley Manson had met Perry when she wrote'em?
Senators Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell leaped to Rick Perry's defense: "He is SO FUCKING BUTCH!", they said.
P.S. Leapt is a word, wordpress or whatever your name is.
~
Only two things come from Texas: steers and um…I forget the second. Oops.
“Oh my God,” thought James. “I just got fucked by Rick Perry!”
You and all the rest of Texas, James.
Wow, I was definitely last to the party on this joke.
Well, I put my cock in three kinds of holes, uhhh, forgot the third one. Ooops.
This is truly a seminal account.
It's not "gay" if you don't kiss, it's just friction. Ask any closet case republican.
When the fuck did answering CL ads become the cyber-equivalent of Penthouse Forums?
I never thought it would happen to me, but…
…since I respond to Craigslist ads, it happens to me all the time.
All I got out of a CL ad was a new/used/possibly stolen tailgate for my Mighty Dodge.
We had a moron for a 8 years. Now we have a black guy. Why not a bull queer? What do you people have against diversity?
Apparently, Rick the Prick is *also* a moron, so it's kinda redundant and repetitive.
It's a two-fer.
Where is the "You know who else had a short dick?" thread?
or: "you know who else had a small dick and couldn't work a knob in the dark?"
aka "the Todd Palin thread." Or, hell, even any Sarah Palin thread.
"you know who else could work a dark knob?"
Hillary?
More likely, Chyna.
You know who else is tired of you-know-who-else threads?
Not me actually. They're often full of good funny.
You know who else is that meta?
The former Ron Artest?
All of them, Katie. Sadly.
But does he have only one ball?
OT, sort of, another closeted (not so much now) republican(Mississippi) tied up in embezzling and sex shops. stunning revelation right?
The argument against Perry being gay is that covering it up through a career in politics takes some intelligence, ability to plan and at least a modicum of self control. Perry has none of these–he is a stupid fuck.
Not just a stupid fuck, a bad fuck too.
A bad fuck is bad. A stupid fuck is bad. A bad fuck with a stupid fuck is even worse.
Homo Erectus meats Homo Denius. Santorum ensues.
It may be "a little dick" to James, but Michele is still envious because she knows it dwarfs her little love button.
Dear Rick,
Tough it out. If not, see you on "Wife Swap."
Love, Ted Haggard
Ted Haggard – the Crystal Methodist.
Next Haggard project: trying to raise funds for a Crystal Meth Cathedral.
I call bullshit.
The guy claims to recognize Perry when his face is illuminated while leaving by the front door. (After coming in the back door, ha ha.) But how did he NOT recognize Perry by the a) small dick*, b) short endurance, c) stink of corruption, and d) small dick?
_________________
* I have no personal knowledge of Perry's penis size. I know he is a big dick, but small by Gingrich standards.
Question: is it easier to hate Gingrich than it was Chimpy because Gingrich looks like an aging Gerber baby with colic? At least Small Bush was a nice-looking man, whatever his many,many other limitations, foibles, egregious errors, unearned hubris, limitless ignorance and lack of curiosity. I feel hatred rising every time I see Newtie, or hear him speak. You have to be especially careful not to watch him on HD television…so scary.
And he's not intelligent, he's crafty. As Mozart said about believing and shitting, those are two very different things.
I didn't think that Cowboy Caligula was nice-looking at all. He had that dam,n smirk on his face all the time. I hate smirks, especially now that they remind me of Old Five-to-Four.
Okay, but whose mug would you rather see on the teevee every night for four years–Chimpy's or Gingrich's?What a question. I'm sorry we're reduced to this level.
Late to the party on this question but from all accounts (pre-2000 in Texas), W got along with people on a personal level. Even people who disagreed with him said that he could be personally charming.
I can't imagine anyone – even his mother – saying that Newt was ever charming.
That's some impressive gag suppression sk ill he's using on that corn dog. If, after "finishing" the corn dog, Rick started weeping and passed some Anti-Gay Legislation, well, that's all the proof you could possibly need.
I like the photo of Marcus Bachmann trying to resist the big stiff corn dog that Michele is trying to feed him. It's as if he's reacting to his self-administered anti-gay "treatment" http://underthemountainbunker.com/2011/08/16/marc...
That's so cute…he just pretended like he never had anything shaped like it in his mouth before.
He ate the whole dog & I shudder to think about what he may have done with the stick.
Speaking on behalf of aging queens everywhere:
Do.Not. Want.
Speaking on behalf of
aging queensevery homosexual with a pulse everywhere:/fixed
I dunno. I might do him if I got some hawt, hawt government contracts out of it.
Thank you. (sweats)
An openly gay (former) state legislator in Texas? Now that is a manly man.
“I just got fucked by Rick Perry!”
For a while there it looked like we were all going to be fucked by Perry. Now it looks like we could be fucked by Newt or Mittens.
Neither promises to be a pleasant sensation. Best to lock the door.
Glen Maxey was my representative before he went to the private sector. True story: It's pretty common to see Glen and his significant other at the Continental Club on South Congress Avenue for the Tuesday Hippy Hour with Toni Price and Alejandro Escovedo. It's so nice to see him dig up more shit on Gubnor Big Hair.
Geez, Toni Price. Has she survived her alcoholism? Love the hell out of her, but she's really got to slow that roll…
I love Alejandro and was pals with him when I lived off South Congress.
My corn dog just shrank a little from reading this story.
Stick it between my tits then.
Don't know about imissopus but it worked wonders for me – muchos gracias!
Looks like half of Wonketz just got a boner.
You're in Silver Lake, correct? I'll be right over.
Much like the one that entered Perry's mouth at the fair.
meh. Perry is a sign of how boring our country has become. if he were interesting he'd be like,
" fuck yeah, i'm gay. i'm a god damn abomination! i like to have anonymous sex with strangers i've contacted on Craigslist. have you seen me deep throat a corn dog? but–i'll still demonize gays because you want me to. that's how much i care. that's how much i love America. i'm willing to fuck gays in the ass for you! because i love you. i'm Rick Perry and i approve this message."
He fucks men in the ass because he just loves this country soooo much.
“He jerked down his shorts,” [James said], “It lasted about a minute. He had a little dick. It was the worst fuck of my life. And on top of it all he stunk because he had been jogging. He then pulled up his shorts and put the used condom in his pocket.”
Kind of sounds like how a Perry presidency would go.
FS:
Putting it into his pocket just sounds so GROSS!
Doesn't he have a baggie from the last town hall meeting? Take out his birth certificate and put the scumbag in there.
Giant scumbag Rick Perry wouldn't fit in a little baggie. Maybe a giant trash bag– "HEFTY HEFTY HEFTY!"
Like Rick Perry's campaign, but more sadly, Christopher Hitchens is dead. A /. poster had a nice poem for it:
He raised all our IQs a notch.
Idiocy fell on his watch.
We all know that Hitch
was nobody's bitch,
so let's thank him by raising a scotch.
Damn, that's bad news, even if expected. That mix of eloquence and arrogance was infuriating and delightful. What a writer…He may have been a gin-soaked ex-Trotskyist popinjay, but he was our gin-soaked, ex-Trotskyist popinjay.
yeah. but most of us can do it without backup from a security detail.
I have a great idea, why don't we make Ricky Preznit – so we can all get fucked by him. I'm getting a little tired of being fucked by the current White House occupant.
When is your baby due?
Yes President Obama has Killed Saddam Hussein,Osama Bin Laden,Mo-mar Qaddafi,Gave us a national health care,Ended the Iraq war,Has kept Taxes lower than any other President in 50 years,and defends the payroll tax cuts for the middle class.While dealing with the mess G.W. Bush left behind.And you think you are getting screwed?
Rick Perry, Broke Back Homophobe? "He had a little dick". So much for everything is bigger in Texas.
The claim that everything is bigger in Texas was simply a way of distracting people from all the things that are smaller in TX–like intelligence & penises.
"I just got fucked by Rick Perry and all I got was this t-shirt!"
"Now that you've been fucked by Rick Perry, what are you going to do next?"
"I'm going to Dsineyland!"
He's definitely not a happy gay, ala Mark Foley. He's more a self-loathing Larry "wide stance" Craig kinda gay. Either way he's gayer than a window.
So that's what "shooting the coyote" really means! Get on that, urbandictionary
This could be the next "santorum"!
This "leak" is only a ploy to get Gay voters… well played Parry Camp…
DR:
I'd say Perry was more butch than camp.
Worst. Penthouse. Forum. Letter. Ever.
"Get it on" in them debates, Rick.
Bullies always have little dicks. It's why they're bullies, for one thing.
What I want to know is: What's with Li'l Ricky's shirt collars? Does he have no neck, or does he have his shirts custom-made like that to hide a tattoo? Or perhaps some hideous scarring?
I loathe that collar thing, it looks as if he's in a barbershop quartet or something.
"What's with Li'l Ricky's shirt collars?"
He really wants to wear his collars turned up, but he's afraid that will make him look like a douche.
They hide the circumcision scar…
I just bought this for my Kindle, will be updating if I read anything good.
Please keep the tits available – they're likely to be needed with any Perrywinkle posts.
It's just a shame someone didn't have the photographic goods on Ricky. A good profile shot showing his mighty 3 incher about to plow some rentboy, Rick's hair all fucked up, sweaty and stupid looking. That would pretty much finish up his political career and send him off to peddling real estate or used cars as befits a moron of his sort.
High-school guidance counselor
he lives in a man down by the river.
Jizz-libel!
And this is why one should never have gay sex with a man who failed animal husbandry.
Wait. THIS is what people use Craigslist for?
Where have you been for the last 10 years?
That & selling off their old Beanie Babies & NASCAR "collectibles" so they can buy their hobo beans & try to keep the lights on. Or that's at least what Craigslist is for around these parts. Also: gloryholes.
Now if only he can get America to lie down on the bed with its shorts down and its eyes closed.
"Don't worry, it'll be over in under a minute….."
A Republican with a small penis. Gee…what a shock!
I am not totally convinced that Ricky was having problems with the door knob. He was merely torn between using it for its intended purpose and using it for…a dildo.
If you're on top, it isn't gay. Just ask Jeff Gannon.
Rick Perry–always on the wrong end of a broom.
He WAS a cheerleader, let's not forget.
"The [Craigslist] posting asked for someone willing to unlock the door, turn off the lights, and lie face-down on the bed, legs spread. … James heard someone struggling to open the door. …. “He jerked down his shorts,” [James said], “It lasted about a minute. He had a little dick. It was the worst fuck of my life. And on top of it all he stunk because he had been jogging."
OK, I understand that a *little* bit of danger can be a turn-on, and I'll freely concede that having to be in the same room with Rick Perry is probably it's own punishment, even without the shitty lay… but does it seem to anyone else that running this ad — in *Texas*, no less! — could potentially be setting someone up for robbery and/or gay bashing?
That's the draw, honey. That's all about the risk.
Not my cup of tea, but speaking as a member of the tribe… the risky, transgressive feel is what I would imagine they were looking for.
Clues that it was Perry?
1. Couldn't figure out how to open a friggin' unlocked door.
2. Screamed out "Oh god, Tim I love being inside you!" during the act.
I almost do not believe this story at all.
Holy cow, it looks like he is going to ram that corn dog to the back of his throat!
Corn dog libel!!
“I just got fucked by Rick Perry!” Something his wife hasn't said in years, you betcha!
Hmm … I drink I was thunker than I am I thought. Geez. Those pain meds are strong.
I shall return. As soon as I've figured out what tehj-bnlanks R.
Filling in the blanks?
Drawing a blank?
Or just shootin' blanks?
—
Let’s go have a beer with him! And then he’ll send us to Gitmo!
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