WINGNUT FAMILY VALUES  7:14 pm December 15, 2011

Wingnuts Refuse to Sell Breast Cancer-Fighting Bibles, Out of Love for Cancer

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

No nutz, no health care!

What a charming holiday story: the nutsack owners of a Christian bookstore mega-chain are discontinuing sales of a particular Bible that donates one dollar of every sale to a breast cancer research charity, because of… what this time, charity being anti-free market or something? (Oops, we shouldn’t give them more ideas.) NO, it’s because the charity in question, the Susan G. Komen Foundation, donates some part of its monies to “breast cancer health programs” run by wingnut bogey-woman Planned Parenthood. So, um, breast cancer screenings are giving people abortions now or what?

CNN reports on this latest pro-death initiative from the “pro-life” people:

When Lifeway realized they were donating to a foundation that also donated to Planned Parenthood, they released a statement stating they “made a mistake.”

“When our leadership discovered the overwhelming concern that some of Komen’s affiliates were giving funds to Planned Parenthood, we began the arduous process of withdrawing this Bible from the market,” stated a release by Thom S. Rainer, president and CEO of LifeWay. “Though we have assurances that Komen’s funds are used only for breast cancer screening and awareness, it is not in keeping with LifeWay’s core values to have even an indirect relationship with Planned Parenthood.”

DOUBLE BONUS: Susan G. Komen picked Planned Parenthood because they are a non-profit health care provider, so hooray, there is a neat little “fuck the poor who didn’t get Jesus’s free market memo” aspect to this story after all:

“In all cases, Komen funding is used exclusively to provide breast cancer programs, including clinical breast exams conducted by trained medical personnel,” stated the release. “It’s important to note that Komen will only make grants to non-profit organizations. As many mammography providers are for-profit entities, we are only to fund mammography services through grants made to local non-profit service providers.”

Yeah, sounds pretty demonic. [CNN via Wonkette operative "chascates"]

 
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{ 152 comments }

nounverb911 December 15, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Lifeway's new motto: helping Newt find a new wife.

Serolf_Divad December 15, 2011 at 8:04 pm

After all, if scientists find a cure for breast cancer Newt will have to find some other horrible disease for Calista to succomb to before he divorces her.

YasserArraFeck December 15, 2011 at 10:22 pm

Since she appears to be made out of white ceramic, he just has to drop her on the floor and get an intern to sweep up the shards (Newtie thought bubble "Mmmm, intern bent over…..I hear wedding bells already…..")

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Also, if any woman anywhere can get an abortion, ever, what will happen to Newt's next wife, who is even now being conceived?

byepluto December 15, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Chemotherapy and radiation kill LIVING cancer cells. It makes the baby Jesus cry.

sbj1964 December 15, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Screw Panda's save the Chesticals!

Millennial Malaise December 15, 2011 at 8:14 pm

Oh my, that's almost like a holocaust of cells! We must think of the cells!

Fare la Volpe December 15, 2011 at 8:14 pm

That tumor had a pulse! And fingernails!

Nostrildamus December 15, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Life begins at metastasis.

YasserArraFeck December 15, 2011 at 10:26 pm

One of the lesser known books of the Old Testament – CarcinoGENESIS

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Which comes right before Teratology.

BarackMyWorld December 15, 2011 at 7:18 pm

The King James of King James Bible fame was known to have supported gays.

Tommmcattt December 15, 2011 at 7:31 pm

With various parts of his anatomy, as often as possible, between the sheets and in the frolicsome parks…

arihaya December 15, 2011 at 7:49 pm

strictly speaking, King James was (arguably) bisexual. You know, just like Alexander the Great and all those whoopsy European heroes.

BarackMyWorld December 15, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Did he only sleep with straight guys?

Negropolis December 15, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Yeah, but they could only be of a certain weight before that support was compromised. The king surely had a bad back.

user-of-owls December 15, 2011 at 8:37 pm

Well I suppose one could consider crucifixion a type of "support," though I daresay the usage is quite non-traditional.

Tundra Grifter December 15, 2011 at 7:19 pm

An obvious reason Planned Parenthood operates so many clinics providing first rate care of all kinds is that others have abandoned those neighborhoods.

No banks. No super markets. Just corner stores selling menthol cigarettes and malt liquor.

So Planned Parenthood goes in and provides affordable care. And now the right wing nutz are spreading the lies and trying to put them out of business.

How many right wing health organizations are there? Non-profit? I mean a real non-profit, not just not making a profit.

snackypants December 15, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Why do you have to come in and be the voice of reason, Tundra Grifter?

Tundra Grifter December 15, 2011 at 7:46 pm

SYP:

It's Thursday night, Grasshopper.

The snark and snide will start Friday morning. Along with a heart-starter – probably a Ramos Fizz.

poorgradstudent December 15, 2011 at 10:43 pm

My far-right Catholic friend always answers that religious organizations, including the Catholics, can and will pick up the slack. Of course, as a homo American the prospect of having to get all my medical care from groups with the same outlook as the Church of Latter-Day Saints and the Salvation Army fills me with sweet. sweet despair.

Jukesgrrl December 17, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Can and will pick up the slack? As in the District of Columbia where the Catholic archdiocese threatened to withdraw ALL their social service activities when gay marriage was legalized in our nation's capital? Despair, indeed.

spareme December 18, 2011 at 6:31 pm

You mean, like the church does in Mexico?

PrimlyStable December 15, 2011 at 7:19 pm

I've had enough of these so-called doctors "playing god" by keeping people alive when The Lord has put a lot of effort into giving them cancer. Who are these scientists to interfere with His divine will?

CommieLibunatic December 15, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Playing God because the position seemed vacant?

Dashboard Buddha December 15, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Terri? Terri Schiavo?

Tundra Grifter December 15, 2011 at 7:48 pm

DB:

Who says the GNoPee didn't do anything about Health Care when there had control of the House and the Senate?

They passed that bill that Ms. Schiavo was still alive.

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:31 pm

"I've had enough of these so-called doctors "playing god" by keeping people alive when The Lord has put a lot of effort into giving them cancer."

Which is completely different from doctors "playing god" by keeping people alive by not turning off their life support.

littlebigdaddy December 15, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Tits or GTFO wingnuts!

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 15, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Let's just be clear about the real reason: Breast are the Devil's Dumplings!

Blueb4sunrise December 15, 2011 at 7:52 pm

am stealing that.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 15, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Already stolen, from Black Adder II (when he is having dinner with his puritan Aunt and Uncle).

Negropolis December 15, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Those dirty pillows tempt the good and pure Christian men of this world. We shall declare a War on Breasts!

Doktor Zoom December 15, 2011 at 8:11 pm

The only sex ed good Christian children need is the first scene of Carrie

flamingpdog December 15, 2011 at 9:05 pm

"Damn the torpedos.! Full speed ahead!!"

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:32 pm

"Say it!"
"No!"
"Say it!!" *slap*
"OW, Momma! Eve was weak!"

Barb December 15, 2011 at 7:21 pm

We should fund the "Race For The Cure" of the disease of Christianity.

Dashboard Buddha December 15, 2011 at 7:34 pm

All religion actually.

memzilla December 15, 2011 at 8:04 pm

I don't blame the noun so much as I blame the adjective. When you preface any religion with the word "fundamentalist" or "conservative," you got trouble. Funny how there's no fundamentalist Buddhists, though…

ManchuCandidate December 15, 2011 at 7:21 pm

It's not like Wackados actually read the book.

snackypants December 15, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Or the Constitution.

Loaded_Pants December 15, 2011 at 7:51 pm

They just read the Fux News scroll at the bottom of the screen then start foaming at the mouth when a two-syllable-word that they don't understand pops up on it.

Extemporanus December 15, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Christ died for our tits.

RadioYKWE December 15, 2011 at 7:47 pm

That fucking Jew.

Extemporanus December 15, 2011 at 9:39 pm

According to King James, Jesus was an ass man (i.e. "black").

RadioYKWE December 16, 2011 at 12:00 am

It's kind of like the debates. They are all trying to one up each other within the confines of fictional talking points — with homoerotic and racist undertones. e.g.
Newt: Obama is a radical failure.
Miche1e: The failed One must be defeated.
Mitts: A failure of leadership.
Parry: The gays have destroyed christmas, because of Obama.
Santorum: The gays and Obama have destroyed this country.
Paul: The gays, niggers and Obama are all Marxists.
Huntsman: Who cares?

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:34 pm

"Christ died for our tits."

Dare we make his holy sacrifice meaningless by refusing to display them?

memzilla December 15, 2011 at 7:22 pm

In their Bible, Jeebus of Gethsemamoney went around taking the blood of poor virgin single mothers and redistributing it to the oligarchs and plutocrats at a nice markup, for teh freedom.

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Also pepper spraying the troublemakers who were keeping the moneylenders from getting to their jerbs in the temple.

littlebigdaddy December 15, 2011 at 7:23 pm

I hope they all get ass cancer.

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:35 pm

They shouldn't just get herpes ON their dick, they should get herpes IN their dick.

undeservingpoor December 15, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Thanks for the mammaries. Now go to hell.

Biff December 15, 2011 at 7:28 pm

This summer I donated money to Komen for the Cure in my sister's name for an anniversary present. I think they've spent every dime of that in mailings both thanking me and pimping me for more. I shoulda just given her the cash to donate as she saw fit. Or spend on booze and blow, I don't care.

Come here a minute December 15, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Or directly to Planned Parenthood for cancer cell abortion screenings.

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:38 pm

"This summer I donated money to Komen for the Cure in my sister's name for an anniversary present. I think they've spent every dime of that in mailings both thanking me and pimping me for more."

OK, obviously any charity on earth still has to pay rent, staff salaries, misc. overhead, etc., but this is as good a place as any to mention that charities are required by law to disclose where donation money goes upon request — so if you have a concern like Biff's, you can find out for sure.

We now return to our regularly scheduled snark, already in progress.

ifthethunderdontgetya December 15, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Satan's kitten.

P.S. I'll participate in a live-blog of tonite's groper cat-fight, if anyone else is game.
~

Biff December 15, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Lucky kat.
Liveblog here: http://wonkette.chatango.com/ if nobody else is doing it.

Millennial Malaise December 15, 2011 at 8:29 pm

I'll be there! Is there a workable online feed or do we have to use the Fox site?

Biff December 15, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Oh, I have no idea, prolly a faux exclusive, which means I won't be watching it. So if my comments are disjointed from the event, you'll know why. Look for the chicken choker avatar…

edgydrifter December 15, 2011 at 7:30 pm

American Jesus chased the money changers and merchants out of the temple, too, but only because they wouldn't give him a slice of the action.

hilbillyheroine December 15, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Yet, the fundies can't figure out that Rupert Murdoch owns most of the Xtian publishing businesses. He also owns and peddles porn all over Direct TV. Ya think if they ever "make the connection" they might boycott Fox? Nah.

littlebigdaddy December 15, 2011 at 7:33 pm

It's not like wingtards aren't huge consumers of porn, though.

Loaded_Pants December 15, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Well human-on-human porn, anyways.

Fare la Volpe December 15, 2011 at 8:08 pm
Nostrildamus December 15, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Time for Herman Cain to bravely step forward and start performing those desperately needed breast exams.

Loaded_Pants December 15, 2011 at 7:56 pm

"Now step right up here, girl! I'm going to give you one of those mammagrammeries (or whatever the hell their called)!"

Doktor Zoom December 15, 2011 at 7:33 pm

I happen to know that 100% of abortions are performed on people with breasts.

YasserArraFeck December 15, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Numbers never lie…….except in Diebold voting machines, of course

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:42 pm

You guys better listen to him; he's a doctor.

ShitFilledExistence December 15, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Imagine the horrible sinners who have already purchased it before they yanked it off their shelves!!

Loaded_Pants December 15, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Pink bibles? Really? I think the only major sin here would be having a lack of taste. Pepto-Bibles…if anything would make manly-man abortion-hating Jesus cry, it would that.

sbj1964 December 15, 2011 at 7:37 pm

As Al Bundy, would say."Big'ns,Big'ns Yum yum,yum, Hooters are fun for everyone !" Let's Rock! Cue George Throughgood's, Bad to the Bone.

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:44 pm

"Cue George Throughgood's, Bad to the Bone."

Da DAH dah domp!
*dances*

orygoon December 15, 2011 at 7:39 pm

How the fuck do you decide that a Bible is evil?

Good Lord! (so to speak)

yyyaz December 16, 2011 at 3:39 am

Easy: read one. This assumes, of course, that the reader has a modicum of intelligence, a fair-to-middling education and critical-thinking skills. Lacking these, an impartial observation of those who employ it as a template — or, more commonly, as a weapon — is generally sufficient to put the lie to the "good book." Alternatively, if it spews green vomit and/or has registered as a member of the Repugnacunt Party, just shoot the living shit out of it. You're welcome.

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:45 pm

According to the article, the Bibles they're banning are apparently a strain of rogue Bibles that aren't quite woman-hating *enough*.

Rotundo_ December 15, 2011 at 7:42 pm

No matter how long the stretch, no matter how improbable the linkage, these sorts will find some sort of justification for grandstanding and making noise about their pet issue. I imagine if they were making money hand over fist in the proposition, they probably wouldn't be nearly as selective about the charity. The markup for the pink leatherette version got eaten up by the donation, they get to keep all of the markup on the other colors of leatherette for themselves. When you're a peddlin' Juhh—-HEEEZZ—-ussssss! you gotta keep charity from eatin' your margins up.

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:48 pm

"No matter how long the stretch, no matter how improbable the linkage, these sorts will find some sort of justification for grandstanding and making noise about their pet issue."

Excellent observation. Here in Portland, their opposite extreme consists of tatttooed vegans who make a big deal out of how they refuse to own a television, which is a bit silly; the difference being that the lefties don't actually hurt anybody or affect anybody's life for the worse.

And now, having read the words "pink leatherette", I want a pink leatherette Bible, preferably with Hello Kitty somewhere on the cover. Is that so wrong?

Rotundo_ December 16, 2011 at 1:30 pm

I love the sound of the phrase "pink leatherette". It would work nicely for a band name. As for the Hello Kitty edition King James Bible, it must exist, for there is a Hello Kitty edition of everything known by humans to exist. Should be an easy find.

Doktor Zoom December 15, 2011 at 7:43 pm

OT, but speaking of life-threatening malignancies, Sheriff Joe Arpaio is the subject of some serious Federal scrutiny, and may very soon face a DOJ lawsuit for violations of civil rights and of the Constitution.

memzilla December 15, 2011 at 7:52 pm

HAH! You said "civil rights" like brown people in Arizona ever had any.

Loaded_Pants December 15, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Just send him to prison already & make the old hateful racist coot wear a pink jumpsuit. Oh, & put him in a cell with someone who's about 3 feet taller than he is, 75 pounds heavier & has darker skin than he does.

Negropolis December 15, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Now, all DOJ has to do is pull the tr!gger, already.

**fucking censors**

flamingpdog December 15, 2011 at 9:15 pm

trigger

JustPixelz December 15, 2011 at 7:46 pm

"…we began the arduous process of withdrawing this Bible from the market…"

If you think that's arduous, try breast cancer treatment. Mastectomy surgery, six weeks of radiation, five years of estrogen suppressors and a lifetime of wondering when it will come back. Then try it without health insurance, because Jesus hasn't come back to cure anybody. And he never fucking will. So we have to figure this out ourselves.

Oh, also: go fuck yourselves DeathWay.

arihaya December 15, 2011 at 7:47 pm

Who need cancer research, when we can just pray the cancer away.

Spurning Beer December 15, 2011 at 7:49 pm

It has come to my attention that while the "Pro-Life" movement does not itself participate in pedophilia, certain of its affiliates do.

Negropolis December 15, 2011 at 7:49 pm

How many degrees of seperation is this? You've got to be fucking kidding me. Ewww…Planned Parenthood cooties! Run! Time for this store to change its name. Lifeway, my black ass. How about Deathray?

It takes a special kind of evil and crazy to turn something like Koman Foundation into something wicked. It's why there is a special place in Christian hell for special kinds of evil.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 15, 2011 at 7:49 pm

Udderly disgusting.

DaRooster December 15, 2011 at 7:51 pm

"Wars don't kill people… People with Gods kill people"…
… especially people with breast cancer here.

Assholes- "We hate suffering women with cancer."… what a christian thing to say.

(I know it is a repeat… but it so fits here)

KathrynSane December 15, 2011 at 7:54 pm

So you're pro-life, huh? Don't you think a woman or two might die from you cutting off funding to this life-saving organization? Jeez, it's almost like you care more about the "lives" of clumps of cells than you do about wome–oh, wait.

RadioYKWE December 15, 2011 at 7:57 pm

In a way, who cares? Have you ever gone into one of those snore stores? It's all Made in China S&M symbols (crosses) and schmaltzy Jeebus crap. I couldn't imagine anything I would ever even want in one of those bores. I wonder what they would do if they knew their buildings were built with union labor and shackling gubmint regulations like buildiing codes? Plus the Bible is a poor example of fiction anyhow. Fuck 'em with a concertina wire condom.

Mumbletypeg December 16, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Your instrument-of-torture nomenclature, as per the earlier "fuck 'em w/ a rusty chainsaw encrusted with herpes", is brimming over with Win, my friend~

Negropolis December 15, 2011 at 7:57 pm

Rosie O'Donnell; that you?

ttommyunger December 15, 2011 at 7:59 pm

It's not just the "Stepford" demeanor of every single employee in these shithole establishments that creep me out, it is the Muzak: every single song on these Christian Store Soundtracks is totally identical in pace, chord, range and coma-inducing lyrics.

Negropolis December 15, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Is Lifeway a regional thing? I've never heard of them, and I'm kind of glad it took this long for me to hear of them.

ttommyunger December 15, 2011 at 10:21 pm

I am only familiar with the Genus, not this particular strain.

YasserArraFeck December 15, 2011 at 10:35 pm

Maybe it's a Southern thing (surprise!) – there was a big Lifeway store in Little Rock AR when I lived there years ago. You can buy just about everything for the Christian lifestyle there – I'm pretty sure they're doing a BOGO on rentboys right now.

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:55 pm

"I'm pretty sure they're doing a BOGO on rentboys right now."

I sure hope that doesn't mean what I think it means.

Doktor Zoom December 15, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Also, keep in mind the wingnut claim, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, that abortion increases the risk of breast cancer. The asshole who used to represent my district in Congress was one of the idiots claiming that.

KathrynSane December 15, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Fun fact: Statistically speaking, it is safer to get an abortion than to actually have a baby. The More You Know…

DustBowlBlues December 15, 2011 at 9:02 pm

And way cheaper.

Spurning Beer December 15, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Funny, isn't it, how the slightest whiff of abortionism cancels out any amount of generosity, healing, love, kindness, care, peace and piety.

Yet the faintest hint of professed fundamentalism outweighs almost any amount of drug abuse, thievery, philandering, fraud, drunkenness, bigotry, corruption, or violence.

DustBowlBlues December 15, 2011 at 8:52 pm

They're a new species of Americans who were bred to feel no hypocrisy. Also, not to get irony nor sarcasm.

Jukesgrrl December 17, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Or to know spelling.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 16, 2011 at 3:24 am

When you aren't playing with a full deck, you really have to hang on to those trump cards.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 15, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Some one should start a rumor that every single Bible sold commercially allows for a gay person to enter heaven.

RadioYKWE December 15, 2011 at 8:14 pm

Consider it started.

Spurning Beer December 15, 2011 at 8:18 pm

If all the gay clergy and organists and choir directors were to disappear, American Christianity might collapse, too.

user-of-owls December 15, 2011 at 8:55 pm

I never realized that most of the players/directors in the church were queenies! The fact that our organist's version of "Nearer My God To Thee" sounded suspiciously like "La Vie En Rose" makes a lot more sense now.

natoslug December 15, 2011 at 8:52 pm

I always assumed homosexuality was a requirement for Christianity if you're male, what with all the sucking down the body of Christ and drinking his vital essences or whatever it is they do in their Christofetish ceremonies.

BarackMyWorld December 15, 2011 at 8:11 pm

I hope we're having a Liveblog so I'll have something to read when I get back from watching "Mission Impossible 4: Please Buy a BMW" tonight.

chascates December 15, 2011 at 8:11 pm

The wingnuts lose interest in that kid once it's born. Prebirth, a sacred soul of God to be protected even if the mother dies in childbirth. Out of the womb, an annoying child who disappoints man and God.

hollywooddood December 15, 2011 at 8:15 pm

That reminds me. I must make an appointment for my annual mammogram/abortion.

Doktor Zoom December 15, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Have you considered trying out the new Abortionplex? They've got a spa, too!

DustBowlBlues December 15, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Yeah, rub it in that I'm post-menopausal and can't get anymore abortions. I feel so, so, so not like a liberal fulfilling myself as a real woman.

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:57 pm

You can still make babby doughnuts out of fetusi, though.

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Don't forget to have random sex in the parking lot on the way out, so you can have another abortion as soon as possible.

JackObin December 15, 2011 at 8:22 pm

I take solace in the fact that no gods exist, nor have they ever existed. Unfortunately, bookstores for illiterates are all too real.

littlebigdaddy December 15, 2011 at 8:23 pm

I have a good male friend who is going through chemo for breast cancer right now. Yup, it's possible.

Biff December 15, 2011 at 8:37 pm

Yep, happened to Sterling Archer.

DerrickWildcat December 15, 2011 at 8:26 pm

I am now a Deacon http://www.lifeway.com/Product/certificate-of-ord

I don't know how a Deacon ranks in comparison to Rabis, Ministers, Imam, Priests or the other Churchy bosses, but being a Deacon sounds like you would probably be one of the cooler ones.

Blueb4sunrise December 15, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Awesome!
I think Deacon means that you are a lay.

Mrs. Bitch December 15, 2011 at 9:18 pm

Cool! Now, next Sunday invite a bunch of friends over. Eat some body-of-Jeebus Wheat Thins and wash it down with a nice Chianti, anoint each one with said beverage, claim your house is now a church, and never pay taxes again.

Bonghits4Jesus December 16, 2011 at 1:07 am

They're all pretty rank!

Biel_ze_Bubba December 16, 2011 at 3:28 am

Sweet! How much is the "Pope" certificate?

DustBowlBlues December 15, 2011 at 8:34 pm

So, is anyone going to watch this debate thingy? I find them very entertaining esp. now that Mittens has to get nasty. Hahahah. Mormon going nasty. The angel Macaroni won't like that.

ProgressiveInga December 15, 2011 at 8:53 pm

Is KBJ live-buggering this debauchery on the Wonkette? It's the only way I can watch the KKKlown show.

DustBowlBlues December 15, 2011 at 8:37 pm

Oh, I forget to mention that I have no idea if this thing is on the teevee, what channel, and, ugh, I'm exhausted so maybe gramma will do a ilttle herbal therapy. I've never been with my pretend friends on "our" wonket when I was in a lightly altered state, at least since I had to give up the hard narcotic pain pills to save my liver, or something. (It made sense when the doctor explained it.)

Biff December 15, 2011 at 8:45 pm

I think it's exclusive to faux, which is off-limits to my teevee and browser, but it's still fun to make fun of them.

DustBowlBlues December 15, 2011 at 9:01 pm

That explains why I couldn't find it. Faux News isn't on our favorites list where the news channels are listed.

Maybe I'll watch some of it all alone (and high–that's right, I was going to go do that, and cleaning up my daughter's room that she never actually cleaned when she moved on that has been taken over by the 6 year old grandchild and has dead bugs in every corner and behind every pile of crap the two of them left behind).

Holy crap, how glamorous my life is.

ThundercatHo December 16, 2011 at 8:47 am

My teenager is going to Disneyworld the day after xmas for a week! I'm planning lots of herbal therapy then. My life is also glamorous. This morning I cleaned up doggie diarrhea, then mucked the horses out and I'm getting ready to do laundry while waiting for the plumber. Later, it's Sax (RiteAid) and Tiffany's(DollarGeneral) and this weekend it'll be Neiman-Marcus (Costco).

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 1:01 pm

"Later, it's Sax (RiteAid)"

Not to be a spelling nazi, but this is unclear. Are you going to Rite-Aid to play the Sax, or to have sex?

natoslug December 15, 2011 at 8:37 pm

Breasts are gateway organs. Or is that the cervix?

BREASTS KILT MAH PAW!!!!!

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:27 pm

That joke is doubleplusgood because your paw is also your hand.

mavenmaven December 15, 2011 at 8:37 pm

From the start they never cared about the lives of the mothers, so this is no change in policy.

mourningnmerica December 15, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Hey Christards. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

There. Better now.

LetUsBray December 15, 2011 at 8:58 pm

I would totally boycott Lifeway if there'd ever been the remotest possibility of my setting foot in one of their stores.

littlebigdaddy December 15, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Up until now, I thought Books-a-Million was the most perverse bookstore parody. Now, I am not sure.

Guppy December 15, 2011 at 10:29 pm

I believe there's a word for this: Pharisees.

lulzmonger December 15, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Wow. Snark fails me. That is some seriously sick shit right there.

Jesus 2.0:

"Whatsoever you do unto any of these malevolent tumors, you also do unto Me."

owhatever December 16, 2011 at 12:20 am

All of those pro NFL football players who wear pink to support breast cancer research should gang fight Thom S. Rainer, the president and CEO of LifeWay on Pay Per View, with a huge viewing audience, with proceeds going to Plan Parenthood.

mrblifil December 16, 2011 at 1:08 am

There's a Mastectomy Clinic across the street from me. They're running a two for one sale all this week!

Chichikovovich December 16, 2011 at 4:01 am

When Bush set up the office of "Faith-Based Initiatives" to funnel money to Christian charities and organizations, (a department continued, I believe, by the Marxist Socialist Anti-Christian Muslim Kenyan) the official line was that this wasn't a Church-state violation because the money for religious activities was kept (or so it was claimed) strictly separate from the money used for the specific charitable activities being supported. It sounded a bit fishy to me, but I thought, OK, that's the principle, so I'll have to live with it.

LifeWay apparently feels this principle should be abandoned, which is commendably honest of them, given how much [begin{wingnut} hard working American taxpayerend{wingnut}] money it will cost churches.

OneYieldRegular December 16, 2011 at 10:11 am

Why would anyone ever buy a bible, what with free copies in every hotel room and religious fanatics always giving them away? Perhaps more to the point: why would anyone ever sell one?

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:14 pm

If you're going to be a Jesus ween, it's not enough to refuse to tolerate choice; you also have to refuse to tolerate the tolerant.

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Since there's no occasion when I'd ever spend money on a Bible anyway, I'll just have to make up the difference by donating money to the Komen foundation and/or Planned Parenthood. Maybe as gift donations for everybody's Christmas ween?

Warpde December 18, 2011 at 5:28 pm

After all, Unplanned Parenthood is so much better then a Planned Parenthood.
More children to mop floors an clean out the toilets.

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 12:53 pm

That was Jello Biafra.
Similar first names, though, so it's understandable.

Jukesgrrl December 17, 2011 at 11:22 pm

And never forget to Arm the Homeless.

ThundercatHo December 16, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Sax, as in Sax Fifth Avenue, dahling.

tessiee December 16, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Oh, I know who/what Sak's Fifth Avenue is, I just can't afford to shop there.

There's an old joke about it:
1st Yenta: Tell me, dolling, confidentially, what do you think of sex?
2nd Yenta [thinks]: Not as good as Bloomingdale's, but a nice selection.

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