good-bye to all that

Everything Must Go! Iraq War Joins 2011’s List of Worn-Out Evil Things

Who wants this crap? Nobody, that's who!Our latest War Against Iraq is over, did you hear? The NYT home page helpfully put the years of the war in the headline, like you might for an obituary of Amy Winehouse or Dick Cheney: 2003-2011. That’s a long war, even compared to wars we supposedly won, like World War II. (Not quite as long as the War Against Afghanistan, though … that phustercluck has already dragged on longer than any U.S. war, including the American Revolution.) And what makes this nine-year-long Iraq War “over,” anyway? Because Obama said it was over? Uhh, okay we guess! That sure was a great Ticker Tape parade in Times Square, and now we’re just doing vodka shots and eating oysters with some hot USO gal we met at Penn Station, or whatever people are supposed to do when wars are won. Anyway, it’s time to say good-bye to ALL OF THE THINGS nobody likes anymore, because 2011 was the year when the citizens of Earth finally got up, took a good look around, and said, “Wow. This crap has got to stop..”

The Forgotten War We Lost: How crazy does a year have to get to make us forget the Iraq War? As crazy as 2011, apparently. Back in 2004, people were so bummed out and pissed off over the Iraq nightmare that popular terror dolt George W. Bush very nearly lost the White House for a second time … to John Kerry! (Gah, Kerry and Edwards.) Iraq continued to be “a thing people thought about, in America” for several more years. It even played a rhetorical role in the 2008 election of old what’s his name, Obama. But today, about the only Americans crying about the Iraq War are the families of the 4,484 U.S. troops killed and 32,200 maimed and uncountable veterans driven to insanity and addiction and homelessness by the pointless bloodbath. The defense contractors are crying, too, but the U.S. Government cares a lot about defense contractors, and that’s why Afghanistan has been “ramped up” along with all those other countries with Muslims, and the actual United States is also an official war theater complete with hundred-million-dollar robot death drones in the skies over our foreclosed homes and half-vacant malls.

The Age of Rage: Where did the disgust begin, this year? And what made it go from harmless simmer to raging boil? There are many candidates for “the S.O.B. who pushed us over the edge,” but none is easier to hate than Scott Walker, the wingnut boytoy of Koch Industries. Because this year of protest and occupation began early in 2011, in February, at the Wisconsin state capital in Madison. By the time the labor protests were forced out of the capital, more than 100,000 people had taken part in the anti-Walker anti-Koch actions. It was here that the full power of YouTube video reports, Facebook updates and phoned-in pizza orders for the protesters became evident — and it was here, certainly, that the Powers That Be got to work on their plans to shut off social networking, text messages and the entire Internet. By the time the Everything Must Go/Year of Rage reached the poor neighborhoods of London and subway stations where San Francisco Bay people were protesting cops killing citizens in cold blood, turning off texting and mobile service was just a matter of a phone call from The Boss to the Telecoms.

What else? Stay tuned, or “Look on the Internet, later.” From unwanted Arab dictators to unwanted U.S. presidential candidates (“all of them, Katie”), 2011 was the year when we all said, “Eh, fuck it.”

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. nounverb911

    “We are the people who run this country. We are the deciders. And every single day, every single one of us needs to step outside and take some action to help stop this war. Raise hell. Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous. Make our troops know we're for them and trying to get them out of there.”
    –Molly Ivins, from her last column, January 11, 2007

    1. Mumbletypeg

      "Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous"

      At Wonkette this was how we earned our imprimatur at least until the architects of FAIL became so good at flexing their stoopid it turned bad — or virtually useless — for comic relief.

    2. MosesInvests

      I haz a sad because Molly died before I moved to Austin-I would have loved to meet her. But, we're still keeping Austin weird in her honor (only sane place in Texas).

    3. ThundercatHo

      Sniff. I miss her so much. She and Ann are probably up in heaven, shaking their heads, buttering another biscuit and having another drink.

    1. Boojum_Reborn

      I don't know, but I saw two women making out in a parking lot today and wanted to get out of my car and join them…um…to celebrate civil rights!

  2. BlueStateLibel

    You couldn't even sell half that crap on a late-night infomerical. But let's try anyway and give it a cute name – how about "Forever Crappy?" For just $19.99 you get the leering Trump, but act now and we'll throw in the snarling Saruh Palin!

  3. BarackMyWorld

    I'm going to point out that we were at war with the Philippines from 1899–1913 (though Teddy Roosevelt declared the war over in 1902, fighting continued for another 11 years against Muslim insurgents and DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR), and didn't withdraw until after World War II.

    Just saying.

      1. bureaucrap

        We pretty much still have multiple bases EVERYWHERE (UK, Turkey, Germany, Italy, Bosnia, Kuwait, Kazakhstan, Khyrgyzstan, Australia, Korea, Japan, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, Cuba, Colombia… help me out here wonketeers, I know there are places I'm leaving out).

        Invade and stay — it's the American way.

          1. Numbat_Dundee

            Just got a new one in Australia, just so Barry could visit here and Julia could stare dreamily at him when he addressed Parliament.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          Also moved a lot of stuff to Guam.
          We do give the Brits an assload of money for that lease in DGar, whose nickname is "Footprint of Freedom, Armpit of Liberty."

  4. memzilla

    On the plus side, the Rethuglican's "We Are The .001%" agenda has been fully exposed for the Koch-licking that it is. And their war on the poors, and the wimmenz, and the not-whites, and the middle class has been going on for over 30 years…

    1. RadioYKWE

      Memz, you are so right. If nothing else comes out of OWS — and I hope its not the end, but if nothing else the concept of the 1% has fully entered the lexicon. Even on the wingnut side, and they are so scared about it.

  5. Joshua Norton

    2 decades ago wingnuts were crack-pot outliers now they're the center of the party. Street theater and histrionics have become institutionalized.

    Now-a-days a sex scandal just gives a wingnut candidate more gravitas.

  6. Baconzgood

    HEY! On the bright side, Sarah fell off the planet, Michele's going to lose her seat. Trump looked like a huge idiot (even more than his usual idiot level) for the birther crap. America really is starting to hate the Tea-Party and people are protesting. All things considered it was a break even year.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Some nice points there Bacon, but yesteday's institution of "martial law, whenever we feel like getting around to it," as well as all the other shit that the Kochs and their misanthropic brethren still seem to be getting away, I still think evil triumphed overall. This shit's a lot more serious than the amusing clown show implosions provided by sarahmicheledonald.

      1. Baconzgood

        Some people look at the glass half full. Others look at it half empty. I drink the vodka. It makes life easier.

          1. Tommmcattt

            And the water, you layabout! What, you think you get the water for free? That's trust-fund water, dammit!

        1. flamingpdog

          I look at it as the glass is empty and there's no beer in the house and I'm too sick to run to the beer store. Anybody interested in FedExing me some Anchor Steam or Black Butte Porter?

          Added on: I could brew my own beer in the time it's taking Intense Debate to upload my comments and open up other peoples this afternoon.

          1. Swampgas_Man

            I look at the glass as twice as large as necessary, and I was kept offline all afternoon by a Windows update.

        2. hagajim

          I look at the glass as bone dry, with a cracked lip and a rimmer of shitstain. Yeah I guess in my book 2011 pretty much achieved a very high level of suck!

    2. fuflans

      HEY! On the bright side

      who are you and what have you done with baconz?

      also: michele is going to lose? really?

  7. subsum

    OK, now off to the next one.

    Since one out of two Americans is a broke-ass hobo now we need a new war so we can send the poor to die for freedom and apple pie. That's about the only way we deal with poverty in this country. It has worked in the past and there's no reason for it not to work in the future.

    Iran, anyone?

    1. BlueStateLibel

      I'll go for Iran too but only if there's a nice cozy draft (and no exemptions) to accompany it. Then we'll see some interesting stuff.

    2. chascates

      I say Saudi Arabia. They've got the oil, they're the most brutal regime in the Middle East, and I'm tired of reading about how those thousands of wealthy princes buy up all the cool shit.
      DISCLAIMER: I would suggest we hire the poorz from India or someplace to do the actually dying instead of our own poorz.

      1. RavenRant

        Saudi Arabia also just beheaded a woman for witchcraft, their second witchcraft execution this year.

          1. Negropolis

            But, Sarah has never denied it, so…and nor has Tom Tancredo denied that he is a warlock. So many choices; so much time.

          2. RavenRant

            Sarah did have the power of witchcraft exorcised from her in a Wasilla church ceremony.

            This is one of the incidents that made me fear the end of the enlightenment was upon us.

    3. flamingpdog

      I'm feeling nostalgic – let's invade the South again, and this time, let's get it right! Think of all the jerbs that Reconstruction would create over the next 150 years. War profiteers could continue to enrich themselves, and our soldiers wouldn't be spending their dollars in strange foreign countries. The prison-industrial complex could go apeshit building dozens of Andersonvilles. And Barry could satisfy his jonesing for indefinite detention without trial for the next five years

      1. RavenRant

        Afterwards, we could reintroduce the Jim Crow poll test, but this time only for white folk. Basic civics, and random topics such as: does the sun revolve around the earth or vice versa, and is The Flintstones a documentary?

    4. memzilla

      A war on Iran, closing the Persian Gulf, oil goes to $400 a barrel? Great Idea! … assuming you own oil company stocks…

    5. lumpenprole

      Thank goodness I'm almost forty. Lived through the Golden Age of the all volunteer military. Wars all the time, but plenty of room to be a slacker (if you don't mind ramen noodles and small apartments).

  8. Tommmcattt

    Who is that crying man in the second row from the reader's left? I can't put my finger on his name, why is he famous?

    ***humming happily at work****

  9. Mumbletypeg

    turning off texting and mobile service was just a matter of a phone call

    Actually, I'm bitterly disappointed this turned out not to be the year we became technologically advanced enough that I could 'turn off texting / mobile' devices of the distracted drivers I spot regularly around me.

    1. user-of-owls

      They do still sell guns you know.

      Wait, no, I mean spit-ball straws, not guns, spit-ball straws!!

  10. V572 the Merciless

    Ron Paul, making sense again, while going after Newtie:

    There was one other issue I personally found annoying. He’s probably as aggressive with the military as anybody. He supports all the wars in Middle East. A thousand times more than if I would. But in the 1960s when he was drafted he got several deferments. He chose not to go. But he will send our kids to war. He said one person wouldn’t make a difference. He didn’t know how he could make a difference. I see that as important information. People should know that and it reflects on him.

    If only he weren't wrong about everything but Perpetual War, Ron Paul would be a terrific candidate.

      1. V572 the Merciless

        And to end postal service, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, income tax, paper money, what little gun control we have, etc.But he does want to legalize marijuana! Oh and also crack, heroin, etc. The old coot’s nothing if not consistent.

          1. RavenRant

            He's also responsible for bringing the ever-odious Rand Paul into the world.

            He has a lot to answer for.

  11. coolhandnuke

    Tonight, I will slide into my tight fitting leisure suit, strap in the cod piece and slow dance close and snug with USO girls to celebrate the end of War.
    If i could afford them, I'd bring chocolates and nylons.

    1. Negropolis

      Tonight, I will slide into my tight fitting leisure suit, strap in the cod piece and slow dance close and snug with USO girls to celebrate the end of War…If i could afford them. I'd bring chocolates and nylons.


  12. arihaya

    too bad Herb Cain is out of race, otherwise we can redirect our troops from Iraq to that war Uzbecki-becki-becki-stan-stan

  13. SayItWithWookies

    I am so looking forward to the vicious champagne hangover after this year is done — even that will be a sign that things are getting better. Not that 2012 won't be filled with lots of hard work, turning twitchy hair-trigger soldiers back into civilians, cutting off the Koch ivory towers at the knees, taking the stopper out of the giant cask of corporate grift so their zillions in hoarded wealth can be made useful, and fact-checking a stack of Bibles' worth of lies, distortions and slanders, among other things — but after three years of the America-hating socialist running things, there's a little bit of light peeping through the clouds.

    1. GOPCrusher

      The one thing that could start 2012 off on the right foot would be to see Scott Walker get recalled by a resounding majority. And then see that weaselly little fuck give a speech saying that he was just trying to do the work that the Wisconsinites elected him to do.

        1. Negropolis

          Well, that goes without saying, though, it being Wisconsin, I'd prefer he be laid flat by a dairy cow in front of the capitol.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Hell, the motherfucker didn't even do the things he campaigned on doing — not that I'm a Wisconsinite, but if he had, I think he would've said "But I promised I'd slash workers' rights and benefits, cut aid to schools, disenfranchise voters, demonize my opponents and generally make the economy worse in order to slash taxes for rich bastards, and you elected me, so why are you complaining?"
        His was a typical Republican bait-and-fuckover campaign and he deserves whatever consequences come to him.

      2. RavenRant

        If during that speech he cries harder than Beck, Boehner, and Santorum's child put together, it will be all the sweeter.

    1. weejee

      Let's face it Extemp, the 0.01 Percenters have traded all of us 99%ers to a call center in Manilla. The ones in Madras & Bangalore wouldn't bite.

  14. DemonicRage

    How great to have a prosperous strategic ally in that part of the world, a democracy that is a beacon to all other nations. Oh, wait…….

  15. elviouslyqueer

    because 2011 was the year when the citizens of Earth finally got up, took a good look around, and said, “Wow. This crap has got to stop..”

    Louder, Ken, in case the GOP arbiters of utter and complete fucking FAIL "presidential candidates" didn't hear you over the batshit shrieking at their millionteenth debate.

  16. weejee

    Anyone else encountering posting problems where the "posting" icon goes into a foggy mist and seems to not post and then you get two? I ended-up with two identical postings in BarackMyWorld's thread above, while at weejee@IntenseDebate neither post shows. Did Ken forget to feed/pay the IT department?

    1. flamingpdog

      I've been having a hell of a time posting this afternoon – I think they sneaked SOPA in without us knowing ab

    2. V572 the Merciless

      Dear weejee:

      IntenseDebate isn't called "IntenseDebate" because it is sweet and good-natured. Screw you!


  17. JackObin

    How about a war on stupidity? It will take years and countless billions, but no more daunting foe exists today.

  18. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Hack List 2011 – Alex Pareene

    His reporters began trying to express to him how embarrassing he was being and how difficult he was making their jobs (“Times media editor Bruce Headlam and media columnist David Carr had an intervention with Keller to explain how his columns were hurting their ability to cover the industry,” New York says), which Keller, in classic hack style, took to mean that his columns had sparked “conversation,” making his efforts worthwhile and provocative instead of just stupid.

    1. V572 the Merciless

      Pareene's list of hacks contains many pleasures. What would he do if the Kaplan Post capitulated, though?

  19. user-of-owls

    You know what really has to fucking go? "All of them, Katie," that's fucking what. Fucking seriously, a retarded 2008 puke-splot that just fucking screams, "I don't have anything funny to say. At. Fucking. All!"

    Bury this hookworm-riddled stinking fish corpse of a 'meme' already. </grrr>

    1. Negropolis

      "That's what she said."

      "Wait, which ones?"

      "Oh, all of them, Katie."

      Boo-yat! Eat owls! Eat it with a spoon!

    1. chascates

      I wonder if Newtie has a Bill Bennett-style wagering problem? He shouldn't bet on getting the nomination.

    2. V572 the Merciless

      Newt's next bold initiative:
      Federally-subsidized hypersonic jet/rocket travel to Las Vegas!
      Or: a mega-casino in DC, because after all it's an enclave not contained in any state!
      Or: legalized gambling nationwide, with (because it's so efficient) a licensed single vendor selected by a full and open competition, in which every prospective vendor must be named something like "Sheldon."

    3. Biff

      Love the typo in the picture caption stating $20billion instead of million.
      Adelson founded a hospice that has an outpost out near where I live; people think of him rather warmly. If they only knew.

        1. V572 the Merciless

          In my market (San Diego) Faux News Channel is streaming this torrent of hate-filled sputum into your home tonight, if you're one of the elite with cable.

    1. weejee

      Is Faux Newz "live streaming" like the Rangoon Coolie's disease, that you pick up at that quaint restaurant when trekking in SE Asia? That's where the shit not only hits the fan, it hits the walls, the ceiling, the floor, and places you didn't even know you had places.

  20. hagajim

    Why not say Eh, Fuck It! They've all given us the big Fuck You! BTW – who is the horribly unattractive woman in the photo (middle right)? I seem to recall seeing her somewhere, but I can't recall where. How fleeting fame is I guess.

  21. user-of-owls

    On the upside, it appears irony has come back from the dead. Just above a Ken-pocalyptica-post, our cute petro-rapist friends are inviting me to, "Find out more about Shell's plans in Alaska."

    Honestly, Shell? Unless your plans in Alaska include recreating a famous pre-Thanksgiving news clip, but reversing the roles of doomed turkey and half-term grifter, well, your "Let's Go!" rings hollow to me.

    1. Blueb4sunrise

      not totally worthless….a 12 y.o. named a ship……they have animation of how awesomely they will respond to a spill ….AND a fun way to send Shell a holiday present:

      Next week, U.S. Dept of the Interior (DOI) officials will be in cities across the Gulf Coast & Alaska, as well as Washington, DC, to accept comments on the Draft Programmatic Environmental Impact Statement for the Proposed 2012-2017 OCS Oil & Gas Leasing Plan. Your attendance and participation is needed!

      Your participation is strongly encouraged.

    2. chascates

      I'm assuming some of those 54,000 jobs created will include removing oil from seabirds, cleaning up pipeline spills, and delivering money to congresspersons.

  22. finallyhappy

    Another debate? didn't we just have a debate? I will not watch. And maybe I will bake gingerbread while watching Miracle on 34th Street- and YES, I am Jewish. And I cry every single time Kris Kringle speaks Dutch(but not when the stupid commercial for Rosetta stone Santa speaks German)

  23. Walkinwiddaking

    "and now we’re just doing vodka shots and eating oysters with some hot USO gal we met at Penn Station,"

    Hey man, this is 2011, you're in the shower at Happy Valley with Jerry Sandusky at Penn State.

  24. Tundra Grifter

    "…now we’re just doing vodka shots and eating oysters with some hot USO gal we met at Penn Station, or whatever people are supposed to do when wars are won."

    VJ day in San Francisco turned out to be a major riot. Not a laff riot – a real riot. Worst between the General Strike in the 1930's (when the police attacked the longshoremen) and the early 1980's when the 9'ers beat the Cowboys.

    Not the recommended way to celebrate the end of war.

  25. ttommyunger

    I blame our facile, corporate-owned Media for not only the Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, but for enabling our progression into full blown Fascism. You know who you are.

    1. RavenRant

      I like your optimism! Optimism – rarely encountered on Wonkette in these times.

      There are indications that America is not entirely brain dead, and may actually be noticing obvious things. Yay!?!

  26. Negropolis

    I am so anticipating next year. 2010 was the Empire Strikes back, and 2012 is going to be Return of the Jedi if I have anything to say about it.


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