Unemployed dingbat Herman Cain is now, like so many Americans, in search of a new job. Herman Cain has given some consideration to his three main qualifications of “illiterate,” “serial sex creep” and “shit pizza shill,” and according to some mind-numbing teevee interview he gave to Barbara Walters, his resume makes him the best fit for, UH, SURE WHY NOT… “Secretary of Defense.” That’s cool, we were thinking about that position, too. Seems like fun, sort of an entry-level spot where you can “learn on the job” about foreign policy affairs, right? Probably Herman Cain noticed he has no idea what Libya is, what China’s nuclear capabilities are, who if anyone is running Ubekistanolabekistan, and the topography of Iran? We could go onnnnnn with TEH EGG-ZAMPLES, but the main point is, these are all excellent reasons why Herman Cain should be in charge of the military.
From some interview part of a Barbara Walters special year-end collection of idiots she oxyMORONICALLY chose to speak to, on teevee, for being the opposite of “fascinating”:
When asked what Cabinet position he would want, Cain said, “Totally, totally hypothetical: Department of Defense.”
“What?” Walters responded, clearly surprised. “Not Treasury? I mean, you’re the 9-9-9 guy.”
Cain said he wanted to be Defense secretary to help rebuild the military “the way it should be.”Walters said that to run the Pentagon, he would need a strong knowledge of foreign countries, and reminded him, “You have had some difficulty with that.”
“I have been doing my homework ever since that difficulty,” Cain said.
See, he’s been doing his “homework,” like a good fifth grader. He really wants that “Secretary of Defense” internship, real bad!
HERE IS DA VIDEO:
Best job interview, ever. [The Hill/HuffPo]
{ 178 comments }
WHAT! Herman Cain isn't qualified to peel potatoes while on KP.
But in his defense, he is minimally qualifed to put pepperoni on his patented "Sclerosis-Lover's Pizza."
Yeah, but like any pro grifter, he knows deep pockets when he sees them.
Yeah, but I hear he Lays potato chips pretty well.
Cain has got a plan for the Secretary of Defense position, he calls it 666.
His real plan for the Secretary of Defense would be trying to get a chance at some sweet Dept. of Defense tail.
I nominate myself secretary of defenestration.
Please post a resume outlining your qualifications. We have Standards on our side.
If you would like I could give you a defenestration demonstration.
Do you have a fenêtre high above the ground and just above a dungheap?
I'm nominating myself for the department of redundancy department.
I see what you did there.
well played….well played indeed.
We don't need another 30 Years War.
Especially since it's been over 30 years since Reagan declared war on the poor. The GOP is already thinking about using that one to break the record set by the houses of Valois and Plantagenet.
Well, if the GOP gets its fap list, we'll be at war with the entire Muslin world for 999 years. The Pizza Crusades!
Secretary of Defense Herman Cain: "All we gotta due in Iran is just drop pizzas on their heads! Then they won't be able to see where to aim their bombs! Adding pepperoni would especially help & improve our foreign policy!"
First item of business: hire some hot chicks. Second item: bomb Beckybeckybeckystan.
Why does Herman hate Gle2n Beck?
Hey Herman, how badly do you want the job?
Herman, I'll tell you what you've told everyone who has wanted a job from you…
Suck my dick!
That's where he can sign the missile treaty.
He would probably reinstitute Don't Ax Don't Tell
THAT'S NOT RACIAL TRANSGENDERENCE!
What about Don't Ox Don't Tell?
Nah…some huge asshole could still rat you out.
Wait … A black guy has been doing his homework, and he wants to get that "showing up on Monday" thing down? I think Newt has just the job for him.
PIZZA PARTY AT THE PENTAGON! MIDNIGHT, BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!
Pizza Warfare!
Pizza libel?
Maybe he meant Secretary of the Fence, for something to do with all those whore diamonds.
No, he wants to Secretary of De BORDER fence!
I want to be Minister of Silly Walks.
"We begin belly bombing in thirty minutes or less."
The new 9 9 9 plan: 9 bombs, 9 days, 9 countries…
genius. just,,,,,genius. You should have worked on cains campaign. With Rhetoric like that..he'd be a shoe in!
The plan breaks down, though, when you get to 999 dead browns. To make it work, Herm's gonna need a ",000" patch.
…you decided!
What an awesome new reality show that would be.
What, Secretary of Pizza was already taken?
Y'know, each & every one of this buffoon-ward lineup has potential for an alternative career as a foodie expert:
Mitt: Fudgepacker
Newt: Easter candy.. probably those mallow-peeps
Huntsman: Last name says it all, a butcher/ charcuterie [sp?]
Santorum: "Secret's in the Sauce"
Ron Paul: This is precious. He's written a cookbook.
Bachmann: … hmmm… I'm going with Fertile
CreDescent Rolls? Celery Stalks?That's all the food groups represented I believe, not leaving out Rick Perry who obvs has Secretary of
ketchup"Catch-Up" in the bag.I can't help but feel these folks missed their truer calling just as Cain ought to have stuck to his.
Michele works best with vegetables because she doesn't feel intimidated by their smarts.
MARCUS LIBEL!
…Imagine all the killings, and the bombings, too… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DrSEyjBj1w
In fairness, he can't possibly be any worse than Donald Rumsfeld.
You might want to take into mind the words of Donghold Bumsfeld before making that assumption:
"There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know."
I figure he'd be the same as Rumsfeld…egotistical asshole who thinks his shit doesn't stink making horrible decisions for the country and because he is an egotistical asshole he won't listen to anyone else.
You know what, you're probably right. And that's as scary as hell.
Also:
“I have been doing my homework ever since that difficulty,” Cain said.
Field research on Beckistan does not count as homework, Herman…
And neither does research on Becky in accounting.
I’m trying to think of someone less qualified for the job but the only one I can come up with is Paris Hilton and even that is kind of tossup.
You're forgetting Donald Rumsfeld.
We're all forgetting Donald Rumsfeld, as fast as we can, with extreme prejudice.
That's the one!
How about every last fucking member of that odious tribe of fame whore Armenians with a last (and first, for that fucking matter) name starting with K.
For me, there's no one who is firster against the wall than those wretched cunts.
Duggar Mom and Dad are at the top of my list (children sent to re-education camps) followed by all televangelists, the cast of Jersey Shore and all the Real Housewives since we are speaking of wretched cunts.
You forgot POLAND!
Oh, wait, what did Poland ever do to us?
You must mean the Kuntdashians. I think they'll be named co-secretaries of horrible piss porn in the Gingrich administration.
Oh, Lindsay Lohan, no doubt.
I'm pretty sure Babwa spotted a little when she heard that answer. I know I did.
Oh. Ew.
It's times like this that I really wish Gilda were still with us. Baba Wawa could have done a real number on Hermie.
Maybe he thinks we are still fighting the War on Cancer.
Hey, leave all of Newt's ex-wives out of this!
Hey, I'm a Cancer – why didn't anybody tell me about this?
The EEOC chairmanship is taken, otherwise…
He promises to bomb Iran back to the Stone Age in 30 minutes or less, or the oil is free.
A better fit for The Hermanator would be Secretary of Domestic Affairs.
Herman: "Wait, I can get paid for that? And I was doing it all those years for free!"
What could he possibly mean by saying that he wants to "rebuild the military, the way it should be"? Unless…Herman Cain will be the man to finally give us sharks with lasers on their heads! Go! Herman!
ok, second best reply today. I love the visual…will he get his own mini me?
But then you need the trained gorillas to throw the sharks, or they are useless.
That's why we need $100 billion for the R&D to design gorilla-size mind control helmets. It's very simple, Senator.
You can give us what we need, or surrender to the Taliban. The choice is clear. (Don't laugh: that worked for 60 years in the Cold War.)
Shouldn't he be sporting some broken limb or something from his wife finding out about his 15 year booty call? Dude is shameless and poor Mrs. Cain must have sold her soul a long time ago.
AATB…All About The Bling!
Herman Cain: "Chinese nukes? Those don't exist, son. They must not be on your radar."
Herman has been smoking the mozzarella, and now he's goofin' on notorious Kissinger toady, Babbles. You can figure out where they go from here.
Didja ever wonder if Babs did the deed with the notoriously sexy and crepuscular affirmative-creep-action Nobel Prize winner? Ever wonder what that would sound like?
You're welcome.
No beer and no brain bleach in the house. I'm fucked.
I can't be sure, but suffice it to say, there would be lots of "W" sounds.
No, no no. He didn't say he want to "be Secretary of defense." He said he "wanted the secretary of Defense." He was referring to a female employee at the Pentagon.
He forgot Condi was in the last administration.
What is it with Condi and megalomaniacal tyrants?
Every girl likes a bad boy.
Look how hot she was for "W"…
Given his track record with women, I'm not sure Condi is his type…
Great, now Donald Trump will demand to be made Secretary of Real Estate.
And Charlie Sheen as Secretary of Winning.
I was thinking Secretary of Bloviate.
Eh, why not? There's still 50% of the country to bankrupt.
I've just run out of words. Nothing, absolutely nothing can top Cain's comment for being utterly hysterical.
Insane and fictional general Jack D. Ripper would make a better choice than Cain.
The only D he can manage is a D Cup… if only for the sexual harassment suit.
"I think that General Ripper found out about your preversion, and that you were organizing some kind of mutiny of preverts. Now move!"
MC:
A tempest in a D-cup?
You get those at Men's Wearhouse, right?
Yes well they should make me in charge of giving the physical exams. I've totally been doing my homework.
I've long argued that our nation needs a Cabinet-level Department of Filthy. Now I can also tell people who should head it up.
And yes, I did mean to say, "head it up.
If Ron Paul won the Presidency, he could get Congress to establish a Department of Marijuana. Now who could possibly head that up?
This explains Xtine endorsing Mittens–she's hoping he'll make her Pope.
That's a Pope smear if I ever saw one.
Put her in charge of the DEA. Then she could be the Dope Pope. Add some gummint swag to represent the agency's mission to "clean up the streets" and you could have Dope Pope Soap on a Rope.
I want to be a fireman. Or an astronaut.
Being an astronaut has got to be the easiest job ever. You just sit in rockets all day long. Everyone else does all the work. They even dress you.
Unless something goes horribly wrong, and your life depends on performing algorithms in your head while running out of oxygen.
Pizzanaut.
Obvously the pizza business must pretty much run itself.
Joshua Norton:
This is how difficult the pizza business is. A number of years ago on the East Coast an organized crime family set-up a pizza store as a front for their money laundering operation.
Obviously, they spent no time advertising or otherwise attempting to build the pizza part of the enterprise, because that really wasn't the point.
However, in short order they began to get so many telephone calls they had to actually start selling pizzas!
Cain throws his hat in the ring for Secretary of the Fence.
Wait, he's less qualified for something than he was for President?
Well, he might be capable of filling the slot of Secretary of Dining Facilities.
I thought his "restaurants" were take-out only?
Don't you mean eat-out only?
Herman Cain and Clarence Thomas are two people who give affirmative action a bad name.
Jon Stewart had a lot of fun with Walters' reaction last night.
Cain and Thomas are *tokens*. Not the same as affirmative action.
Woohoo! I finally got a comment to post! Now how do I get myself a cool avatar?
There's a ritual hazing before you get yours…don't worry, it doesn't stretch out much…
Hey, at least he doesn't want people to call him "intelligent."
Dear Barry:
May I suggest a diplomatic posting for dear Hermie? Say, as ambassador to Fuckoffanddiestan?
Y'r ob't,
EQ
Is that near Uzbekibekibekistanstan?
Secretary of the Department of…in MY PANTS!! Or is that your pants?
All of our pants, Katie.
Hermie's next move: to run for President on the Party in My Pants Party ticket.
Ents aren't deaf, Herman, they're just old and kind of slow-moving. Back to the homework.
TREEBEARD LIBEL!
Watch out Ubek-Becky-Stan-Stan.
(I'm not sure he called it that but I'm not going to Google again. It's getting stale)
Herman Cain would destroy the world if he could find it on a map.
I bet he could find it on this map. (Not Entirely Safe for Work)
Cain should apply for the only job he deserve: the next Kim Kardashian's pretend-husband
He might get a chance to pee on her.
Sure you guys and Babs laugh at his dream. But there are hundreds, no, thousands of people who didn't laugh. So it's all good.
"Probably Herman Cain noticed he has no idea what Libya is, "
But he sure as hell knows where Labia is…
Think of the pizza delivery market that will open up for him.
Today we are all Baba Wawa saying "WHAT?!?"
Today we are all Baba Wawa saying "WHA?!?"
/fixed
His main policy would be to invade all the countries where the woman are hot.
Poor Vietnam.
Did you see some of his accusers? I don't think he's that discerning.
"My pizzas have left bloated corpses all over this country. As Secretary of Defense, I believe I can do the same to the rest of the world."
–H. Cain.
I have it on good authority that if he doesn't get the job, he has no one to blame but himself.
Surely this was just a mental slip up, as Mr. Cain obviously meant to say he wanted to be "Secretary of the Ladies."
Smoove B and Velvet Jones, eat your hearts out.
Yep, just like Tim Meadows' "Ladies Man"…
Megalomaniac is megalomaniacal. What, did someone turn down his bid for Godfather's to provide meals at military bases?
Only in the GNoPee can someone fall up so easily.
Is this a great country, or what?
He needs to work at the Dementagon.
Insane in the membrane. Insane in the Cain.
This sounds like a job he's wanted his entire life. You know, where he worked in the restaurant industry to prepare and all.
Personally, I'd rather have Ron Paul as SecDef. Just to see the heads explode.
At least with Ron Paul I'd feel like we had a guy who had given a minute's thought to some of the matters at hand.
I was thinking more along the lines of giving him the part of government that I'd really like to see pared down.
ron paul? Let's see that would start off with no doctors for the wounded and then get rid of the VA and then no pensions…
Dumb and dumber. Hard do be both at the same, but the Herminator does it with ease.
That man needs an antipsychotic.
"See, he’s been doing his “homework,” like a good fifth grader."
When I was in the 5th grade, I really really really wanted to be on the Safety Patrol so I really put my head down and got serious about studying. However, I needed a recommendation from my teacher and he was a douchebag (his last name was Cheney, btw) and he didn't refer me.
Let it go, Herman. Some dreams just need to die a dignified death.
OT, but my internet persona's insane racist scum-sucking namesake has had quite the banner day today: first the DoJ has determined that Yes, Arizona, There is A Bigoted Sherrif's Office in Maricopa County, and now just recently, DHS has announced that they really don't like the idea of insane racists being empowered or funded to enforce immigration laws, for some reason.
Man, at this rate, Racist Nutsack Joe is going to quickly become so irrelevant I'll have to go back to that portrait of Joe Lieberman.
I can't wait for the day I can say "Joe who?" to both, and mean it.
So now it's a crime to keep America American?!
Cain only wants the job so he has a key to the Secretarial Pool bathroom.
Picking what job he'd be good at is yet another job Herman Cain is bad at.
I am still hoping for my dream job as Queen of Fucking Everything.
Why doesn't millionaire Herman join some all white country club and golf all day and get the fuck over himself.
Barbara Wabba should have said: Secretary of Defense? This isn't Italy. Pizzas aren't a matter of national security.
It would be a challenge to be more evil and incompetent than Robert McNamara, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld. But I think the Hermanator is probably up to it.
It's like when George is looking for a job and tells Jerry he could be a sports caster.
Sure, he says he wants Secretary of Defense. But that's just a first negotiating move. He's had his real target in place ever since he caught sight of one of those Federal Breast Inspector t-shirts at on some Bubba at the mall.
If Herman Cain needs to know something foreign, like say the distance from Istanbul to Constantinople, he can get one of his staff members to look it up. Hopefully the one who comes up to here.
Ha ha, you said "staff" and "members".
How 'bout we name the Hermanator the Sexetary of Harrassment?
You're underestimating his experience in being a pervert. With kinksters like Kim Jong-Il, Ahmadinejad, Qaddafi, the Saudi Royal family and all those Euro-freaks, his expertise in perversion and sexy-time might just be a national security asset.
Tonight the RNC/GOP Clowns take center stage.Who will be the last clown standing?
I'd follow Hermie…into a dark alley and open him up from asshole to appetite.
I'm pretty sure he thinks it's a straight commission job. All he'd have to do is sell a couple of aircraft carriers, a few hundred jets, a few hundred thousand bombs and he'd be set for life. He could buy Ubeki beki stan stan.
I would have guessed…Secretary of the Interior of the secretary.
I have two very cute dachshund bitches, either of which would be a better choice for Secretary of Defense than Mr. Cain.
Hermann zee Dong!
Derpa Derpa Derrrr I like Herman Cain, He made Millions getting other people to sell Fat 'Mericans fried cheese and Dough. The true messure of success in America, get other people to do the hard work, make millions.
I would think he would make a better spokesman for Magnum condoms, because I sure do have trouble finding that brand stocked in most drugstores…
Then he can bomb Whatzit-stan-stan-stan!
“I have been doing my homework ever since that difficulty." Yes, he's taking a laxative: its all coming out now.
Just being a war criminal does not make one a bad boy. Nor does snorting blow off a hooker's tits with a bottle of Jack in one hand and a wad of Benjamins in the other, if your daddy is footing the bill.
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