party like it's 1995

Congress Hashing Out Last-Minute Deal To End Government, Again

Obama is the guy lying down in front.

Oh what teary-eyed blood sport is a-boiling in Congress to-day: the federal government is headed for a shutdown, again, because Harry Reid won’t let the Senate vote on a trillion-dollar omnibus spending bill made of the glued-together pencil shavings swept off the floor of the failed supercommittee negotiations, hooray! This is happening because of an entirely different payroll tax holiday extension bill that for reasons of strategery Harry Reid must first axe murder in the Senate to save and doom America in equal measure, due to House Republicans filling this payroll tax cut bill — that would help millions of working Americans — with their trademark sweaty little middle fingers for the environment and seniors on Medicare and unemployed people. Meanwhile, Barack Obama has helpfully interceded to say, “how about we just give up, for now” while everyone moves “sudden Apocalypse” a little higher up on their holiday wish list.

And here are your representative “dueling party leader soundbites” for this whole mess, from the NYTimes:

Senator Reid said Republicans “obviously want to have the government shut down,” an assertion denied by Republicans, who said Mr. Reid was holding up the omnibus spending bill to gain leverage on other issues, like the extension of a payroll tax cut.

“A government shutdown is a terrible idea,” said the Senate Republican leader, Mitch McConnell of Kentucky.

In sum, no one from either party wants the government to shut down, which is exactly why it will shut down. So while thousands of government workers are already looking forward to receiving empty paycheck envelopes for the holidays, at least Congress and Obama have their shit together enough to agree to let the military run the domestic police force, which is probably all that will be left of America by next February. Go team! [NYTimes/Politico/Bloomberg]

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        1. Dashboard Buddha

          OT tattoo – but a tattoo parlor in my stuffy little stuck up town just opened. My sweetie and I are going to get some ink…but not that.

          That being said, I would be supportive of a movement to have this tattooed backward on all the major rethugs foreheads so it's the first thing they see every morning.

          1. Biff

            Hey, me too! Oddly, we have more tattoo parlors than casinos and/or brothels in the nearby town of over 35K people.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Shit, with all the payola they get from their corporate masters, their salary is just gravy, pin money if you will.

      1. dadanarchist

        Salary, sure.

        Platinum health benefits and their fucking pensions (even for those who only serve one term) are another matter entirely.

    2. flamingpdog

      Most of them are millionaires these days* – a missing paycheck or two just means putting only mid-level diesel in the yacht for the next couple of weeks.

      *Back when I was a pup, I lived in the same neighborhood as and went to high school with two congressman's kids, and I did not live in an upscale, gated community. Nice, but definitely lower-middle to middle-middle class neighborhood

      1. Generation[redacted]

        His head will stick out of his shell if you poke him in the butt. At least that's what I hear from Lindsay Graham.

    1. tessiee

      Rick Perry?
      Of course, the fact that Wednesday comes after Tuesday surprises him, so it's not terribly difficult.

  1. Beowoof

    I am pretty sure they republicans want a shut down. They have more interest in golf and appealing to their tea party base who would love this (Until their Social Security checks don't show up), than they do in any actual governing.

    1. dadanarchist

      A couple weeks ago, the Great Orange Satan posted the calendar for the 2012 Congressional calendar. The bastards are on vacation more than half the year. On the one hand, that's an insult to Americans who are only mandated 2 weeks of unpaid vacation per year. One the other, at least they aren't around "governing."

  2. Mumbletypeg

    Obama has helpfully interceded to say, “how about we just give up, for now”

    Was that the Honey Badger Obama was fist-bumping in that memorable wonkette photoshop'd image? Or a variation thereof — some kind of insidious creature put the moves on our Prez to the point he doesn't give a shit either.

      1. RavenRant

        And reappointed Bernanke at the Fed. How much fail is enough fail to get you booted out of power in Washington?

        Oh, I remember. Be a heterosexual Democrat who likes sexting with consenting adults. Way worse than looting/crashing the global economy.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    “A government shutdown is a terrible idea,” said the Senate Republican leader, Mitch McConnell of Kentucky.


    1. V572 the Merciless

      I sense you're a government employee…Did you/they get payed during the Gingrich Shutdown of 1994? What's the prognosis here?

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I wasn't one back then, but those whom I work with that were tell me that they eventually got paid for the days they were forced to miss (!).

  4. MrFizzy

    Leave the government running. Shut down Congress. It's too bad this country doesn't use the vote of confidence.

  5. GOPCrusher

    I'm about sick and tired of the Republiklans and their demands that we don't get our payroll tax cuts unless that fucking pipeline gets passed.

  6. OCcupied_Surf_Serf

    Shutdown? Shit, the Republicans would love to just replace everyone in government with private-sector contractors…to pass out the vouchers….

  7. freakishlywrong

    Actually, shutting it down and not re-opening it until 2013 would probably help Ameriduh out more than them actually "legislating".

  8. Callyson

    Senator Joseph Lieberman, a Connecticut independent…
    “It’s a classic moment of this session of Congress, which is that both parties are for something and we can’t figure out how to get it done,” he said.
    I'm sure the almost half of Americans who are poor or low income (IDK what the difference is between those two BTW, just quoting from the headlines) will feel Senator Liberman's pain.
    Oh, and that War on Christmas? Can we forget about that and wage a war on the Scrooges in Congress instead?

    1. tessiee

      "Senator Joseph Lieberman, a Connecticut independent…
      “It’s a classic moment of this session of Congress, which is that both parties are for something and we can’t figure out how to get it done,” he said."

      As usual, Senator Zoidberg is wrong.
      Both parties are *not* for something, at least not the *same* thing.
      The Repigs are for shutting down all functions of government that don't directly benefit them and/or their masters in the 1%.
      The Dems are for bending over and grabbing their ankles.

  9. Lascauxcaveman

    They've kinda lost me on this payroll tax cut thing. To my thinking, it only helps those of us who already have jobs. We're not the worst off.

    1. tessiee

      "I think you can spot the flaw."

      No provision that every single member of the 99% get punched in the face?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Boise Cascade (Koch Bros.) sells the envelopes to the gov't … and we can't be cutting into their revenue, now, can we?

  10. Goonemeritus

    It is clearly time to admit that our detour in to this whole experimental democracy thing hasn’t worked. It may be time to put technocrats in charge and cut out the middle men. In fact I’m considering throwing my hat in the ring for minister of shut the fuck up and eat your gruel.

    1. tessiee

      "I’m considering throwing my hat in the ring for minister of shut the fuck up and eat your gruel."

      But not that high-class regular gruel; this is imitation gruel.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      What doesn't work is letting morons vote other morons into office. We need some sort of combined IQ, science, and current events test, that people have to pass before they have the right to vote. Why do we require a license to own a fucking dog, while any and every ignorant dimwit has a say in how the country is governed?

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          I'm pretty sure the Founding Fathers had no idea that large numbers of Americans would be so ignorant and stupid, after a couple of centuries of "progress."

  11. Mumbletypeg

    Ugh, I just tried to digest the Politico piece. Not sure if my head hurts from the typo's or that the legislative breakdown of this collision course is thrashing with more conditional caveats than a multi-headed hydra.

  12. Indiepalin

    Very depressing. Oh well, maybe somebody will say something stupid during tonight's GOP debate / Goatfuck.

    1. Negropolis

      Well, that serves Socialist Santa, right. Free Market Santa will make it to every home in his stead, but it will cost you, just like Fedex costs you.

  13. DaRooster

    "…that would help millions of working Americans…"

    Are there still millions… welp, that's good… I guess.

  14. Ducksworthy

    Ok. They want to be in government because they hate it so much. I get that. Why do they hate the Amerikun people so much?

    1. tessiee

      All I know is that I wouldn't take my car to a mechanic that believes that cars are evil and should be abolished.

  15. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, maybe we could just start a war in the middle east to distract everyone …

    Oh, wait.

  16. not that Dewey

    I read that as "feral government is headed for a shutdown, again,"

    feral == wild, having once known domestication, is an apt descriptor for Congreff.

  17. Steverino247

    Sen. McConnell (R-KY) as Inspector Klemp: "A government shutdown iss a terrible thing. Und it is about time ve had one!!!"

  18. DaRooster

    If you guys hate your jobs so fucking much… just quit! Go the fuck away and we will put in people that want to get things up and running well again… Not you Dicks that want to pit everyone against each other and have never ending wars and ruin everyone's livelihood and poison the air and water and not provide healthcare to citizens and not feed children and…

    Jesus… there is no good stopping point… Fuckers…

    1. GOPCrusher

      Almost as bad as those fuckers that say they hate Washington so bad, they want your vote so they can go there.

      1. DaRooster

        Same ones that say, "Big Government is the problem… so vote for me."
        'Cuz we all know we want a job that we can try to get rid of… who buys this fucking crap… oh yeah, Tea-Baggers.

        1. tessiee

          ""Big Government is the problem… so vote for me."
          'Cuz we all know we want a job that we can try to get rid of… "

          Seems fair, since they got rid of so many of our jobs.

    1. Biff

      Trouble is, when it gets down to brass tacks, everyone wants to get rid of everyone else's cunt but their own. Nothing changes, ever.

      1. RavenRant

        Fucking Cunt Libel! Fucking cunts bring happiness and joy to all who partake of them.

        These dirtbags bear no resemblance to fucking cunts.

        1. slowhansolo

          That's very true. I probably should have said "rancid cunts" instead, and then reserved it for the American Gulag post, since this is just business as usual…

          1. RavenRant

            Business as usual since Republicans declared war on Obama, and decided the entire country was acceptable collateral damage.

            And yeah, the American Gulag. WTF is happening in this country, how the hell can we stop it? 93 senators voted for the original bill, including Al Fucking Franken!?!!!

  19. RadioYKWE

    This happens every fucking December. And we always lose. The Kochsuckers get everything they want: pipeline, no taxes on the job creators, military untouched, police state and we get some cheap buy-off on our payroll tax — which comes out of Social Security nonetheless. And by Kochsuckers, I also mean the pantywaist Dems who will trumpet said payroll tax cut as what they had to have. Fuck 'em all with a rusty chainsaw encrusted with herpes.

    1. V572 the Merciless

      I heard from a guy who knows her father's sister-in-law that Emma's an al Qaeda operative.

      Just stating that here might be enough to get her locked up forever under the new rules. What a system!

    1. tessiee

      What's almost as bad is that our guys never seem to learn, or call their bluff, or anything.
      "Give us a pay raise, or we'll shut down the government!"
      "Oh, no! Not that! Anything but that!"
      "Give us more tax cuts for the 1%, or we'll shut down the government!"
      "Oh, no! Not that! Anything but that!"
      "I want a piece of cake with a frosting flower on it, or I'm gonna shut down the government!"
      Etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

      1. ThundercatHo

        No kidding. A congressional campaign committee fundraiser lady called me yesterday asking for a "small gift" of $100. Poor lady had to listen to my rant and not get any money.

  20. owhatever

    I just thought of this — two Republicer champions of the "marriage is a sacred institution ballyhoo," Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich, have had seven wives between them. I am watching them with my War on Christmas drones to see if they are getting anything on the side.

  21. imissopus

    These fucking guys.

    That Lieberman quote someone put in upthread is priceless. Fuck's sake, Vinegar Joe, we know how to get it done: get your fellow ass-spelunkers in the GOP to agree to a tiny surtax on one income level so the vast majority of folks at the lower income level can get a little more money in their pockets for another year. I know, I know, it's socialist slavery forced redistribution of wealth or something, but at the same time we're responsibly paying for a tax cut so as not to increase the deficit, at least in theory. Such a conundrum! Fuck.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Joe is full of shit, and "both parties are for something and we can’t figure out how to get it done" is total bullshit. He knows damned well the problem is in all the extra crap the GOPtards loaded onto the bill, unrelated crap that "both parties" are decidedly NOT for.

  22. V572 the Merciless

    The best bullshit evasion is when people say, "I wouldn't mind paying higher taxes if I could be sure that my money was going for important things." Sounds sort of reasonable on its face, but what they're really saying is that they don't trust elected officials, which means they don't like democracy. All of which is another way of saying, "I wouldn't mind higher taxes if I could be king and get all the money to spend on shit I want.

    1. tessiee

      Not really sure that I agree with you here, V.
      I'm not saying I would turn down being queen, especially if a sparkly tiara came with the deal, but if I had to pay higher taxes in an America with good schools, good healthcare, decent jobs, etc., I'd be a lot happier than I am in my current situation, which is that I have to pay higher taxes so that the military can have $100. ashtrays and the banks and corporations can sit on mountains of money and pay nothing.

      1. V572 the Merciless

        Right, I agree, let’s spend the money on good stuff and not imperialist adventures. But in a democracy, if you don’t like the people running the government or the way they’re running it, you have the right to vote for other people whom you hope’ll do better. But your disagreement does not give you the right to argue that taxes are “theft,” or that the government is illegitimate, or that you’re “disenfranchised,” or even that lower taxes are always better than higher taxes. If we give up believing in democratic solutions, we become monarchists or anarchists or supporters of this or that tyrant. Amiright?And anyway, after the monarchy’s established, I’m going to be king. You could maybe be my consort and have ermine robes, or even a scepter, but that’s it.  

    2. ThundercatHo

      Sorry Ving but I must disagree. I don't trust most elected officials esp ones with an (R) after their name but it doesn't mean I don't like democracy. The problem we have with the (D)'s is that they don't do what we elected them to do. Besides, I called Queen of Everything first but I will let all Wonketteers be my senior advisors and if Tessiee wants a sparkly tiara she can have one but SecDef is definately going to Ttommy.

  23. actor212

    “A government shutdown is a terrible idea…for me to poop on!,” said the Senate Republican leader, Mitch McConnell of Kentucky.

    Fixed yer post

  24. hagajim

    I figure if they can't figure this out Barry ought to just shut the military down and divert its funding to making sure everything else works…oh wait, I forgot, Barry is as bad as the rest of these fucks. War first, everything else last!

    1. El Pinche

      Or just get drunk and beat the shit out of McConnell with a stick like Tió de Nadal…in the name of baby Jesus, of course.

      1. Negropolis

        Well, if we're to be honest, she sucks, too, but hopefully, she'll get better. Shes about as good as its going to get out of Arizona, at the moment, and I'll take it.

  25. chascates

    Instead of shutting down the government just nail the doors shut to both the House and Senate and see who all survives the next month or so left without lobbyists' money, media attention, and of course, food and water.

  26. ChernobylSoup

    I see what Wonkette's doing here. They're trying to show us what a government shutdown will be like by going all silent and not posting anything new.

  27. tessiee

    "About 97.3 million Americans fall into a low-income category, commonly defined as those earning between 100 and 199 percent of the poverty level, based on a new supplemental measure by the Census Bureau that is designed to provide a fuller picture of poverty."

    Oh, but let's all remember whatever that horseshit rationalization was, about how the poor people have it so good here because we're Ameriduh and *our* poor people have refrigerator boxes and bridges to sleep under and USA! USA!! USA!!!

  28. ttommyunger

    Reid and McConnell. Two fucking douchebag sellouts; the only difference is one of them has a chin.

      1. ttommyunger

        Right. He's supposed to be a boxer, can you believe that? Being in the ring with him must be like working with a speed bag filled with Jell-O.

  29. Negropolis

    Why does Hairless Reid continue to leave the rules as is in the Senate with a party so damned crazy, that they'd allow America to default to prove a point? The first thing they should do when they get back from break in the new year is do what the he should have done years ago and that's change the fucking rules, already. Not because it would help Democrats, but because it's the right thing to do.

  30. Goonemeritus

    It’s probably just my effete European roots talking. After all if it’s good enough for Italy why not us.

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