just like how jesus runs gravity

Bill O’Reilly Not Sure Who Runs U.S. Military, Maybe Moon Monsters?

Good god, this is what we get for having already posted something early-ish about the collective negative IQ of the radioactive mutant cow chips employed at Fox News and then figuring we were done hearing about them for the day. Ugh. So, Bill O’Reilly, who controls the U.S. military? (“Relevant” part starts at 1:20.) Is it possibly the United States government, as denoted by the initials “U.S.” right before the name of the military and Article Two of the Constitution? Nah, sayeth the loofah dragon, can’t be, more likely it’s the same guys who run the country “Pentagon.” Huh. Well, this at least explains why the government can cut billions of dollars from the social safety net without touching the defense budget, because apparently they aren’t even funding them!

Alan Colmes, surely there are other lucrative media jobs that do not involve arguing with a hot turd:

O’Reilly replied: “The [government] can’t run the military because it’s military controlled, not civilian.”

“That’s government run, it’s still the government doing it,” Colmes countered.

“But the Pentagon calls the shots,” he said.

“But the commander-in-chief is a civilian, the government runs the military well,” Colmes insisted.

“That is wrong,” O’Reilly said. “The Pentagon calls the shots on how the military operates. The Pentagon is military people.”

“That’s the government,” Colmes said. “It’s the government, it’s still the government.”

O’Reilly concluded: “They work for and the government running it are two different things.”

Speaking of the government “not running” the military, we hear Barack Obama finally agreed not to veto the Department of Defense authorization bill after lawmakers agreed to make changes, maybe to the batshit insane part that grants the U.S. military power to indefinitely and forever and ever detain without trial citizens who seem fishy? Let’s check the AP report:

“We took significant steps to address the administration’s concerns,” Rep. Adam Smith of Washington state, the top Democrat on the House panel, told reporters.

The legislation would deny suspected terrorists, even U.S. citizens seized within the nation’s borders, the right to trial and subject them to indefinite detention. The lawmakers made no changes to that language.

Nope! The administration’s “concerns” do not extend to its own citizens. Enjoy Gitmo, everybody! [Raw Story/ AP]

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    1. sbj1964

      Really Bill? So the pentagon calls the shots and we all live in a military dictatorship?Dumb,Dumb,dumb.

    2. LettucePrey

      Um, they aren't tides, they are the rise and fall of sea levels caused by the gravitational forces exerted by the moon against the earth's rotation! Gah! Libruls!!!!

    3. Loaded_Pants

      It's simple: the tides are ordered to roll in & out by the Pentagon & the Moon. Therefore, we must cut the Moon out of the federal budget. Why is the Moon relying on welfare paid for by the taxes from hard-working American'ts?

  1. jus_wonderin

    If my history serves me, the Moon Monsters did a terrible job of running the military when they had control…control…control…….

    1. Loaded_Pants

      What I want to know is did the Moon Monsters give us our flag back? And did they help stage that first moon landing?

  2. JackObin

    I'll bet fellow Harvard retard Georgie Bush knows the answer. Why, it's the baby jesus who runs the pentagon.

  3. Biel_ze_Bubba

    So, do we have to wait for someone to get disappeared before hauling this POS law to the Supreme Court for incineration? Even Scalia would rip these cretins a new asshole over this one.
    Then again, it's sort of hard to challenge a law when you're locked up in Southern North Dakotastan without a lawyer, so maybe wer're just fucked.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I can't wait for the joint Mexican-Brazilian-Cuban operation to dislodge the North American junta. It might take out Stephen Harper, too, since I am sure his Canadian Falange will be supporting ours.

    2. dadanarchist

      The truly ghoulish part is that unless you are one of the disappeared, you probably don't have "standing" to contest this law; and of course, if you've been disappeared into some FreedomGulag(TM), you aren't really going to be able to contact a lawyer and contest your detention, now are you.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        Look, it's my understanding that the DFA parts that allow the Army to lasso terrist Muslins at Wally World DO NOT APPLY to US citizens and legal residents on US soil. So I'm not too concerned that Obama will "ask" for me to be hauled off to the hoosegow by some pimply-faced Alabamian recruit with "Semper FI" and the cross tattooed on his dick. HOWEVER, I can surely understand the folks' trepidation at the passing of the DFA, because, legal or not (not) Bush had Jose Padilla locked up and convicted on mostly bogus charges, and allowed the Telecoms to listen in on every sweaty phone-sex call. Obama has taken the phone from W and, in between dirty talk and moans had an American citizen assassinated without trial. With the current occupant of the White House (who I mostly support) continuing and strengthening the Unconstitutional "Patriot" Act, it is perfectly normal that paranoid people (persons who pay a little attention to reality and can resist checking for tweets for more than five seconds) might get the idea that B.O.'s protection of individual freedoms is a bit lax.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Wishful thinking.

          "The requirement to detain a person in military custody under this section does not extend to citizens of the United States."

          The REQUIREMENT doesn't apply… but they can still do it. That's no protection if you have an administration and DOJ run by paranoid right-wing assholes (I"m looking at you, Alberto Gonzales.)

        2. Native_of_SL_UT

          Oh, OK. Won't haul in American citizens then it's OK. Except that it may be terribly difficult to prove your a US citizen if you're locked away somewhere without access to the the proof.
          I can see it now.
          Terrorist: "But I'm a US citizen!"
          Guard: "Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say."

        1. mayor_quimby

          He was the original Smoking Chief, how high do have to be to want to be the black guy in Boston? But he obviously was the man, since he never got busted by the sweet Bahston PD

          1. Tundra Grifter

            When the oldest player in the NBA is twisting a fatty, it tells you about all you need to know about that.

        2. Tundra Grifter

          FTW! That's some great Celtics knowledge right there! And to think our Warriors coulda had him, along with Kevin McHale…

  4. SayItWithWookies

    And what's more Bill, if you're not vigilant, someday the federal government's gonna be running the whole damn country.

  5. jus_wonderin

    I didn't watch the video but in the still/splash that dude looks like an aged David Cassidy. I can feel his heart beat and he didn't even say a word.

      1. Loaded_Pants

        He's been wasting away for a while. Like a slow-motion Nazi who opened the "Ark of the Covenant".

  6. Generation[redacted]

    The government can't possibly run the military, because everything the government does is bad! Military Good! Government Bad! Argle bargle!

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Also, don't tell him Easter Claus and Santa Bunny don't exist. He's still not convinced they don't control the tides.

  7. imissopus

    The scariest part of that AP story to me is where the writer claims that Congress might have enough votes to override a veto. Really? Two-thirds of our representatives are okay with this thing? What douchebags.

    EDIT: I see from Jr.'s piece on the Wonkwire that it passed the House 245-169. So, far short of two-thirds. That's still 169 douchebags too many, though.

  8. Rotundo_

    Bill seems to be on his way to becoming America's goofy assed notional uncle who really has no clue of the workings of anything, but Uncle Bill has lots of "wisdom" to share with anyone who is in earshot, much to their dismay. Fox News is becoming the kids table of the news media.

    1. Loaded_Pants

      To be fair, he got his major break back in the day when he was on one of those crappy "tabloid TV" shows. What was it: "Hard Copy" or "A Current Affair"? "A Current Crap" or "Hard Shittings"? Maybe it was the one where Deborah Norville had to blow someone to get a job after she got kicked off "The Today Show".

  9. Callyson

    BillO telling people that "when you're having these debates, you've got to be reasonable" is like:
    A. Newt Gingrinch giving marital advice
    B. Sarah Palin naming her top five news sources
    C. Rick Santorum speaking about the importance of diversity
    D. Rick Perry remembering three cabinet departments
    E. All of 'em, Katie…

    1. Geminisunmars

      Rush Lymphfat decrying drug use.
      Herman Cain espousing fidelity.
      Mitch McConnell giving beauty tips.

      1. LettucePrey

        Ben Affleck giving acting lessons.
        Lady GaGa wearing a taupe pantsuit with sensible shoes.
        The Dalai Lama saying "Eh, fuck it. I'm going shopping."

          1. Crank_Tango

            ahh, my plan to head to Florida with a ring fell apart so I lost my mind and quit drinking and everything else fun for a little while or forever hahaha, headed to SF with the cats, hiding out in the tenderloin…thanks for asking tho!

          2. Tommmcattt

            OOOh, the tenderloin! Drop by the Eagle for me and say "hi" to the guys. Just don't wear a handkerchief in your left back pocket.

            …And feel better, brother. The worst is not, So long as we can say, 'This is the worst."

  10. Nostrildamus

    collective negative IQ of the radioactive mutant cow chips employed at Fox News

    Radioactive cow chips are brighter.

    1. TeaNuts

      collective negative IQ of the radioactive mutant cow chips employed at Fox News

      As a representative of the Cow Chip Collective, we resent this remark!

  11. Fawkdifiknow

    If the government isn't running the military, why the fuck are they giving so many of my tax dollars to them?

  12. DerrickWildcat

    Bill certainly knew. The Liberals photoshopped the video to make it look like he was dumb. Bill will explain to everyone how he is right and the Liberals are wrong during his Talking Points memo tonight. I guarantee you.

  13. Mahousu

    Soldiers go in, body bags come out. You can't explain it.

    Actually, he's right. Most of the time, I can't.

  14. Generation[redacted]

    It's like Reagan said. The scariest thing is when a soldier walks up to you and says, "I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

  15. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Sheesh. Normal Liberals making fun of FOX News just because you can't handle the truth.

    Anyone who watches FOX News knows that Dick Cheney folded the Military into Haliburton so that he could keep control of it after 2008. You don't really think our proud soldiers, sailors and Marines would continue to serve in a military run by a black Kenyan Muslim who wants them all to engage in the buttsex, do you?

  16. DerrickWildcat

    By the way, I don't want any of you hippies disparaging Sergeant Major Bill O'Reilly's honorable service!
    That's right. While you hippies were smoking your purple haze and snorting the brown acid at your weird little disgusting love-ins, Sgt Major "Howlin Mad" O'Reilly was was hip deep in snake infested swamps stringing Claymore Mines from Da Nang to Hanoi just so you could be free to giggle and blow bubbles with unicorns and daffodils. This country owes that man much more than we can ever repay!

    1. Loaded_Pants

      Bill O'Reilly = war hero! He won the Vietnam War with nothing but a loofah & a leer on his face. All those other soldiers who got their limbs blown off were just cowardly pussies!

  17. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The even more interesting thing is that earlier in the segment, Bill complained about how the Government can't even run the Postal Service well. And the Postal Service is even more independent than the military.

    All of which makes me suspect that Bill O' will demand that Alan Colmes be arrested.

    1. Guppy

      You know, if we could just mail cluster munitions to PakiAfghanistan, suddenly the Postal Service wouldn't have any financial problems at all.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Little known fact – we haven't had an inflation problem since 2008 because Mr. Obama turned it over to the US Postal Service.

        It immediately slowed to a crawl.

    2. OneYieldRegular

      It's like, you know, why do they call it FED-ex if it's not the government? Answer me that one, will ya? Hunh?

    3. RadioYKWE

      Just imagine if anyone with more backbone than Colmes mentioned that the Military is pure Socialism. He might open his umbrella in Colmes mouth.

  18. randomsausage

    I know it's a bit off-topic but Fox News' endless supply of blond MILF Reichmaidens sure turn me on: Kinder, Kuche, Kirche, Kock!

  19. Tundra Grifter

    Yes, Federal government health care can't work – even though between the US Military and medicare it currently operates over half of the health care industry.

    The VA provides extraordinary medical care, we have the world's best military (and the coffee mugs to prove it) – yet the government can't get anything right.

    Perhaps Bull O'Really? was in combat after all. He's beginning to exhibit signs of PTSD.

    1. Steverino247

      The military and the VA do indeed provide extraordinary medical care. It will take years before your local ER can do for trauma what they can do now. And in hot, dusty places full of bad guys, no less.

      1. Tundra Grifter


        While people are literally (as Sheer uh "Am i uh An Idiot?" uh InSannity would say) taking pot shots at them.

    2. dadanarchist

      He's beginning to exhibit signs of PTSD.

      During the War on Christmas, Bill-O was in the shit. He saw things, man. Terrible things.

      1. Tundra Grifter


        You mean the time he saw that dude boiled in his own pudding, then buried with a stake of holly in his heart?

        It was years before he could even talk about it.

    3. tessiee

      "we have the world's best military … yet the government can't get anything right."

      That's because, according to O'Falafel, the government doesn't run the military, the Pentagon does. This way, he can continue to fellate "the troops" without having to stop pretending that all the government does is give away tax dollars to lazy freeloaders. If he weren't such a thoroughly loathsome person, I'd almost have to admire his powers of rationalization.

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    The Pentagon is run by Nick Fury, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. Cool eyepatch too, like the guy in the Hathaway shirt ads.

  21. sbj1964

    Can't wait to see that clip on the Daily Show. Bill must write his own material.Happy Holidays John Stewart !

  22. LettucePrey

    "We here at Fox News aren't a propaganda machine, we're a one-note, overheated, fear-driven noise machine. That is completely different."

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      OT, o leafy one, but every time you post and I see your avatar, I wanna go find a cash machine.

  23. Tundra Grifter

    Next time, Bull, could you please pontificate a bit more?

    Oh – you're right. Guess you couldn't. That time you were at 100%.

  24. BaldarTFlagass

    I know that Booz Allen Hamilton (big throbbing mega-contractor) runs the part of the Air Force where I work.

  25. dadanarchist

    The cognitive dissonance literally caused what was left of Bill O'Reilly's brain to melt-down on live TV.

  26. FlownOver

    Anyone else having "jumping around" problems with this post? Can't see the video (big white space) and every few seconds the page snaps back to the same portion.

    [snark therefore deferred]

  27. Guppy

    Oh, I see his problem now. He's conflating the DoD with Academi (or whatever Blackwater is calling themselves).

  28. mavenmaven

    Because who runs Fox news? Saudi Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal. So perhaps he actually does know who actually runs the military.

  29. Bluestatelibel

    Wow, old Loofah sponge REALLY made himself look like a moronic fool in that one. Yeah, I never knew civilians could just draft your ass whenever they felt like it into their army, think about it, dumbshit Bill.

  30. owhatever

    The Marine guard said to President Lyndon Johnson, "Your helicopter is ready, sir."

    Lyndon Johnson replied, "They're ALL my helicopters, son."

    Study that for a while, Brillo. You might get the point.

  31. Millennial Malaise

    “They work for and the government running it are two different things.”

    Ugh, the confidence of this douchebag. I wish I were as confident as BillO so I could say plainly contradictory statements, on the record, without a shred of hesitation, acknowledgement or shame.

    Oh and when I go to work tomorrow, I'll be sure to remind my boss that I might work for her, but she doesn't run shit.

  32. smitallica

    I love how she dismisses the Health Care bill as "Socialized Medicine" as a total knee-jerk talking-point regurgitation when O'Reilly mentions it.

    It's not socialized medicine, no matter how many times you say it. You Nazi cunt.

  33. MiniMencken

    The military iz run by the Chooz und the bicycle riders. I no this, and I dare you to print it in your Wonkette newspaper!

  34. GregComlish

    Dude, what if like the Pentagon was like just one government, but if you got outside of it you could see it was just part of another government?? And like even though the Pentagon is an unimaginably big government, this other government was like way bigger?? And sometimes shit happening in the big government would effect the Pentagon but we would have no way of knowing if it even existed

    1. Negropolis

      Dude! You're, like, utterly blowing my mind! You're, like, all out in the ether and some shit.

      **stares into the distance as eyes glaze over into euphoria…**

  35. Negropolis

    Well, he is kind of technically right. The Pentagon does act like it is its own government much of the time. That kind of happens when you give a single department of government a building that big on the other side of the river. Talk about isolation.

    1. Negropolis

      It doesn't seem to matter who the president is, Defense and Justice, in particular, are a world onto themselves.

      Oh, and yes, Bill O'Reilly is moron of epic proportions. If the word "technically" isn't clear enough and it's sticking in your craw, replace it with "unintentionally" and see if that works.

  36. mercianomad

    But, but…The military can't be run by the government because it's run by the military, which can't be run by the government because it's run by the military, which can't be run by the government because it's run by the military, which can't…etc

  37. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Dunno, but we should pick one, send Billo there, give him a radio show where he spouts his idiocy to the public, and see if he notices the difference.

  38. DaRooster

    He actually said, "… when you have these debates you have to be reasonable…"

    When have you ever been reasonable… with any debate… ever?

  39. LiveToServeYa

    Well, thank Plastic Jeebus we have a country whose military is totally in control of itself and not subject to the whims of lousy civilians.

  40. spareme

    Makes one wonder how these politicians faux news reporters ever graduated from law school, college, highschool, grade school, kindergarten anything.

  41. ndisang67

    Wonders shall never end. Oreilly says he wants government to have government clinics are people are treated for free..enh?. Does he really want the hippies and hobos to get free treatment when they are done Occupying?

  42. ttommyunger

    Wasn't the blonde that Monica Crowley cunt? Man, the air in the studio that night must have been rank: her breath still smells like Nixon's dick, Alan's smelled like Sean Insanity's sack and of course, Bill-O's just smelled like ass.

  43. BaldarTFlagass

    By Jove, I think you're right!! It's only been 40 years since I read those comics, things get a bit fuzzy.

  44. Neilist_Returns

    You need to keep up on your history. Accordingly to the last Iron Man movie, Nick Fury is a NEGRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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