just like that dumb girl in 'twilight' we bet

Ever Since Arafat Turned Him Down, Newt Swears Palestinians Don’t Exist

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Oh come on, Newt was just getting high with Ringo Starr.A long time ago, when amoral sperm whale Newt Gingrich was simultaneously banging another extramarital bimbo and prosecuting Bill Clinton for an extramarital sexytime, Newt was also deeply in love with Palestinian heartthrob Yasser Arafat.

In this newly rediscovered Facebook iPhone photo from the 1990s, Newt is seen tenderly holding Arafat’s hands and (we’re pretty sure) trying in vain to slip a Tiffany silver whore ring on Arafat’s pinky– Gingrich never goes anywhere without a pocket full of layaway Tiffany silver whore rings, in case he meets anybody he wants to suck him off while he’s married to someone else.

But Arafat, being a man of some convictions and standards, said no to the pear-shaped American hair bear. And ever since, Gingrich has been tearfully insisting that the entire Palestinian nation doesn’t exist, because it is dead to him now. (Also, Newt Gingrich is a wingnut shit-for-brains who would literally level the United States with nuclear bombs if Israel and/or Iowa told him to.) [The Economist]

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  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Gotta admit. They do make a cute couple.

    • GOPCrusher

      Not as cute as Donny Rumsfeld and Saddam Hussein.

      • dadanarchist

        DOUBLE DATE!!!

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      But nobody is hotter than these two: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JIxtZ0JeqqU/TTevci_KLjI

      • Tundra Grifter

        BBT:

        Tell 'em to get a room!

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        (Languid bossa nova trumpet plays "The Look Of Love")

    • dadanarchist

      More jowls than a puppy convention…

    • Loaded_Pants

      They must have met at the annual Palestinian Bear Convention–where Newt was going to speak as a "historian".

  • Dashboard Buddha

    When I was but a wee bairn, I had an imaginary friend named Alfie. I treated it pretty well. No pictures exist, unfortunately. I just hope that Newt treats his imaginary friends well.

  • TeaNuts

    Enough with the foreplay, kiss him already! Than go pick out something nice for him at Lowe's.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    i've long held the same opinion regarding the legendary "compassionate conservative"

  • horsedreamer_1

    Does this mean Newt does or does not have AIDS?

    (I always was surprised the stories about Arafat's love of the menfolk never got traction on Wonkette.)

    • Dashboard Buddha

      I dunno…just by looking at the sites in the google search, I can maybe understand why
      https://www.google.com/search?q=arafat+was+gay&am

      • horsedreamer_1

        The story was promulgated by a defector from the Romanian Securitatea. That's all I know. Heard about it from a friend from my Peace Corps stint in Romania, after he had read from the defector as part of a graduate school curriculum (that followed my friend's own time in PC-Ro).

    • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence
      • Loaded_Pants

        Thats the picture of sessy right there. I'm off to fap now!

  • SorosBot

    I believe Newt Gingrich is an invented person who doesn't really exist.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Invented people are people, my friend.

      The most important invented person in Newt's life is Callista. Amalgamated Robotics has many valuable patents on her almost life-like appearance.

      Newt is an invented person. LIke the Pillsbury Doughboy. Exactly like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

      • tessiee

        "Callista. Amalgamated Robotics has many valuable patents on her almost life-like appearance"

        I understand they're made in a basement in Stepford, CT.

    • flamingpdog

      Invented person? Cripes, if only his parents had had the foresight to use a condom and make him a prevented person.

    • MzNicky

      If only.

    • Callyson

      Until he incorporated, so now we're stuck with the person Newt.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      But, then, how do you explain all the pain and suffering in the world?

  • x111e7thst

    Arafat is definitely the better looking of the two.

    • Sue4466

      Even now.

    • tessiee

      In defiance to all the principles of logic and mathematics, neither one of them is the better looking of the two.

  • Goonemeritus

    I smell a Manchurian Candidate, how do we know he’s not a sleeper agent. The whole adoption thing might just be a cover for his radical birth parents.

    • YasserArraFeck

      More like a "Feeder/Adulterer/Grifter Agent"

    • Numbat_Dundee

      If they ever introduce democracy to Manchuria the voters will have a hard time deciding who to vote for,

    • Loaded_Pants

      What does a Manchurian Candidate smell like? If it's Newty, probably flatulence and Calista's post-blow job breath.

  • Wilcoxyz

    If you or your people want to be written into history, well, that involves strategic consulting worth about $25K-$30K per month on retainer. Or $1.6 million over roughly 8 years.

  • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    When Newt looks at that photo, he sees himself just standing there with his hand extended and thinks, "what the hell was this photo op even for?".

  • Tommmcattt

    Newt's double-chin has a double-chin in that pic. It's like his cheeks are trying to escape his skull by fleeing downward.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    PALESTINIANS ISREAL!

    • horsedreamer_1

      Amar'e Libel!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212
  • JackDempsey1

    Arafat was always, "1,2,3,4, I declare a thumb war" *all-the-time*, which would usually set the peace process back 6 months.

  • owhatever

    "Really? You screwed a camel?"

    "It was an unforgettable experience, Yassir."

  • jus_wonderin

    Newt might be on to something here. If those you disagree with or dislike don't exist…poof…problem solved. I, for one, don't think Newt exists.

  • fuflans

    to be fair, arafat DID make him sit in the back of the plane.

  • Barb

    "…who would literally level the United States with nuclear bombs if Israel and/or Iowa told him to"

    He's going to use the "Newt-Ron Bomb"

    • snackypants

      Snark off: apparently one of Newtron Bomb's weird apocalyptic fascinations is the electromagnetic pulse attack:
      http://gizmodo.com/5867205/newt-gingrich-is-bizar

      The NY Times also had a good article about this yesterday. Why do I imagine him masturbating to images of mushroom clouds and fallout?

      • jus_wonderin

        Ewwww. Such horrifying imagery. Not the nuclear stuff, just the Newt masturbating thing. Ewwwww.

      • Negligently_Joe

        So we had frontrunning candidate that mined Pokemon for inspirational quotes and SimCity for tax policy? and now we have a frontrunning candidate that mines Call of Duty for defense policy positions?

        Well, on the bright side, we've at least graduated to video games that are rated at voting demographics.

        Also: what video games would Mitt Romney have to steal what policy positions from, in order to finally win the hearts of the Republican base? Any suggestions?

        • snackypants

          Grand Theft Auto?

          • Negligently_Joe

            That would be every Republican's economic policy, basically, wouldn't it?

  • OkieDokieDog

    I guess the only way Newt can mend his broken heart is to bomb the hell outta those invented peoples.
    USA! USA! Holyland!

  • LettucePrey

    Nice try, Wonkette! Arafat was photoshopped into this picture. Newt can prove that he was cheating on wife #49 at the time.

  • Baconzgood

    That guy in the back sure thinks Arafat is dreamy.

    • flamingpdog

      The guy in the back looks like he could give "tanning" tips to John Boner.

    • tessiee

      Hey, who doesn't?

  • fuflans

    also, 'pair shaped american hair bear' deserves to be a cocktail.

  • DaRooster

    Fucking Sleaze Bag Maggot… Go away.

  • SwanSwanH

    Yassir, he's my baby.

    • Extemporanus

      Nassir, I don't mean maybe…

  • TeaNuts

    Tiffany's was so last week.

    • MOG2410

      Ahh, it never goes out of style. And that's where the line of credit is!

      • flamingpdog

        I'll give Newtie credit any day for giving the American people a line of bullshit.

  • MOG2410

    All the "intellectual" Repubs here in lower, slower DE LOVE the Newt – so well-spoken, so well-educated, so hard on the poor, a perfect candidate.

  • alzronnie

    Yeah, Arafat fucked Newt but he said it was the worst fuck he ever had. Gingrich's wives have all said the same.

  • Mahousu

    What you libs don't understand is that Gingrich says the Palestinians are an "invented people" because he invented them. Check it out; they're from his alternate-history Civil War novel. (He also invented Thailand while he was at it, by the way.)

    That's why he's so happy to see Arafat – just the pride of an inventor in his newest creation.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "He also invented Thailand"

      I wonder if he invented the "basket job" too.

      • flamingpdog

        That's a funky thai he's wearing in the picture of him and Arafat.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I really hope Newt wins the RNC nomination. He's fun!

    • MzNicky

      It would be enjoyable to watch Barry kick Newt's fat ass down a peg or five in a debate.

    • arihaya

      this just in: Comedy Writers Guild of America endorses Newt Gingrich

  • sbj1964

    Newt & Arafat sit'in in a tree! They made a nice couple. A couple of @ssholes.

    • Tundra Grifter

      To steal from Robin Williams, they are both ass-halfs.

      Because together they make …

  • RadioYKWE

    Since then, Newt now calls Yasser "The greatest food stamp terrorist ever."

  • byepluto

    I don't believe any of you exist; you're all just figments of my imagination.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    "So, in your culture, it is perfectly fine for you to have more than one wife? But doesn't that take away the fun of banging an intern?"

  • Indiepalin

    Ringo forever!

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Peace and love, peace and love…

    • Biff

      You know it don't come easy!

  • http://wonkette.com TanzbodenKoenig

    Hell hath no fury like a shiftless hypocrite scorned

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Yasser is saying "Ask me about my Nobel Peace Prize!!!"

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Fatah libel

  • orygoon

    Newt had imaginary friends? Do we really want a president with imaginary friends?

    • Extemporanus
    • YasserArraFeck

      Better than one with imaginary ability

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      We survived President Cheney, didn't we?

      • orygoon

        But many times it seemed like such a near thing…

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Is that Saddam Hussain or Go-Go Gonzales in the middle?

  • Extemporanus

    In Newt's defense, who among us didn't have a corrupt, Jew-fighting, Nobel Peace Prize-winning imaginary terrorist friend when they were younger?

    • Numbat_Dundee

      I sort of had one. Only mine hated Bulgarians.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    A Palestinian lives forever but not so little Newts
    Campaigns and Tiffany rings make way for other toys.
    One grey night it happened, Newt Gingrich came no more
    And Yasser that mighty Arab, he ceased his fearless roar.

  • SystemError

    I'm pretty sure that's the late, great Charlie Wilson (of his eponymous War) between the two.

    • Tundra Grifter

      SE:

      Great call!

      Anybody who likes hookers in the hottub with lines of coke can't be all bad.

      Well, I guess there is Charlie Sheen, isn't there…?

      • SystemError

        Imagine what Wonkette would be like if we had more Charlie Wilsons around today.

        • Tundra Grifter

          SE:

          We'd all be sitting on a barren mountaintop in Afghanistan, trying to shoot down a Soviet helicopter with a shoulder-fired missle.

          • SystemError

            Hey, I've seen Rambo III, and I know you can do that with a bow and arrow.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "I just can't quit the West Bank, Newt."

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Oh!
    Hairy love!
    We would shave each other for hours on end!
    Oh!
    Hairy Love!

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I'm sure Newt got something for this (favors, money, access) meeting. Shit, for enough money Newt would dig up [insert horrible dead dictator here] & kiss his ass for a picture.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Newt's supporters are on WikiBible changing The Philistines to The Democrats as we speak.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Newt wouldn't stop talking the whole way through – very distracting

    • MzNicky

      … about himself.

      • tessiee

        "I'm dead sexy!"

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hey, look who's palling around with terrorists. It doesn't do much for Newt's reputation either.

  • mavenmaven

    "Newt Gingrich is a wingnut shit-for-brains who would literally level the United States with nuclear bombs if Israel and/or Iowa told him to."

    Your comment suggests he has principle. In reality, Newt just says stuff that he thinks will get him ahead/head.

  • dadanarchist

    trying in vain to slip a Tiffany silver whore ring on Arafat’s pinky

    Actually, I think that they are merely exchanging long protein strands. If you know a simpler way, I would like to hear it.

  • flamingpdog

    … shaking hands and smiling with Mr Arafat. As to how politicians are supposed to handle that interaction given the more unsavoury aspects of Mr Arafat's history, …

    They probably handle it the same way they do when they get caught shaking hands and smiling with Newt.

  • Walkinwiddaking

    Yeah, hard to come off as a "man of the people" when you're carrying a a six figure debt at the jeweler of the uber rich. Then again, do the uber rich shop at Tiffany's?

    • MOG2410

      Not the uber, probably not the 1%. But a whole lot of noveau and some old money still go there.

    • Biff

      I think they might send the help to pick up a bauble or two there.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Oh please … Tiffany's is just a notch above Zale's. The 0.01% shop at Harry Winston.

      • Walkinwiddaking

        Zales? Pah! If he really cared he'd go to Jared.

  • Guppy

    Looks rather soft on terrorism to me.

  • arihaya

    and remember what Newt did when he had to sit at the back of the plane

  • SayItWithWookies

    "So the Arabic word for toupee is keffiyah? Interesting."

  • mereoblivion

    "Yassir, youbetcha!"

  • MzNicky

    Maybe that's just Callista pre-Botox/facial planing? With a dish towel on her head?

  • Wonderthing

    So, a bunch of limeys, micks, polacks, and whatevers came over to this continent and invented themselves, as "Americans". Whaddaya know'bout dat?

  • meatlofer

    Newt originally picked Ol' Yassar up in the Minneapolis Airport with the old Tap-the-foot under-the- stall- move.

  • RavenRant

    OT, but did anyone else notice that Admiral McRaven, leader of the operation that took out bin Laden, said President Obama, "was really everything the American public would expect from their national leadership. The President was at all times presidential," he says. "I would contend he was the smartest guy in the room. He had leadership skills we'd expect from a guy who had 35 years in the military."
    http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/articl

    Spin that, Repugs.

    • Chichikovovich

      McRaven, eh? Hmmmm. And now that I think of it, I don't remember any posts from you in the weeks leading up to May 1, 2011. Busy time, I imagine.

      • RavenRant

        Yes, the name caught my eye. But, no matter what anyone says, we're not the same person. Or even related.

        I am not cut out for military life, being obedience impaired challenged.

    • Negligently_Joe

      I still contend that Admiral McRaven is easily the most badass name in the US Military. I sincerely hope the guy has an eye-patch that he wears, just because.

      • RavenRant

        'McRaven' does have a certain graphic novel flair.

        Does this mean 'RavenRant' is the most badass name on Wonkette? Should it have been McRavenRant? Or RavenMcRant?

    • tessiee

      "Admiral McRaven, leader of the operation that took out bin Laden"

      A gratuitous plug for one of your family members, Raven?

      • RavenRant

        Nope. Just a coincidence. Completely innocent coincidence.

        • tessiee

          "Just a coincidence. Completely innocent coincidence."

          *walks away whistling*

    • Negropolis

      I can see it, already, McCraven.

      Also, he name sounds a little Muslin/Gay/Black…

  • JackObin

    Where did they meet, at an excessive chins competition?

    • Tundra Grifter

      More chins than the Chinese phonebook.

  • Loaded_Pants

    So which of Newt's "wives" was Arafat? Guess they had to order a barrel of lube for that honeymoon (does Tiffany's make lube?)

  • ThundercatHo

    SPERM WHALE LIBEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Pat_Pending

    Good lord, he looks exactly the same as today! Was he fucking born with that fat curtain under his chin?!

  • OneYieldRegular

    Who that's guy on the left? He looks like Rachel Ray.

  • spends2much

    For fun, read this post in your head using Tom Brokaw's voice.
    Also, go fuck yourself Newt, you ethically-challenged endomorph douche.

  • rocktonsam

    wonder which imaginary person Callista thinks about when Newt's fat ass crawls on top of her for sexytime?

    • tessiee

      Whichever technician services her electrodes?

    • RavenRant

      Jabba the Hut?

    • Slim_Pickins

      Keep up, man Its his tongue she craves.

    • E_Tx_Pines

      All of them, Katie!

  • ttommyunger

    Word bubble over Newt's head: "Don't give me that sly smile, Yasser; I want to hear it out loud: next time I get a reach-around, OK?"

  • tessiee

    Pear infused vodka, with a splash of Courvoisier (because Newt is such a ladies' man), and a gummi bear.

  • Slim_Pickins

    QUOTE "You don't hire me to 'lobby' for you, you don't exist [PERIOD]" UNQUOTE

  • Negropolis

    Newt Gingrich "palling around with terrorists."

  • Bonghits4Jesus

    Toad Gingrich cheated with Israel on the Palestinians, next he will cheat with Hezbollah on the Israelis

  • RavenRant

    Throw in 'hypocritical' and that covers it.

  • MOG2410

    Sadly, yes.