just like that dumb girl in 'twilight' we bet

Ever Since Arafat Turned Him Down, Newt Swears Palestinians Don’t Exist

Oh come on, Newt was just getting high with Ringo Starr.A long time ago, when amoral sperm whale Newt Gingrich was simultaneously banging another extramarital bimbo and prosecuting Bill Clinton for an extramarital sexytime, Newt was also deeply in love with Palestinian heartthrob Yasser Arafat.

In this newly rediscovered Facebook iPhone photo from the 1990s, Newt is seen tenderly holding Arafat’s hands and (we’re pretty sure) trying in vain to slip a Tiffany silver whore ring on Arafat’s pinky– Gingrich never goes anywhere without a pocket full of layaway Tiffany silver whore rings, in case he meets anybody he wants to suck him off while he’s married to someone else.

But Arafat, being a man of some convictions and standards, said no to the pear-shaped American hair bear. And ever since, Gingrich has been tearfully insisting that the entire Palestinian nation doesn’t exist, because it is dead to him now. (Also, Newt Gingrich is a wingnut shit-for-brains who would literally level the United States with nuclear bombs if Israel and/or Iowa told him to.) [The Economist]

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142 comments

    1. Loaded_Pants

      They must have met at the annual Palestinian Bear Convention–where Newt was going to speak as a "historian".

  1. Dashboard Buddha

    When I was but a wee bairn, I had an imaginary friend named Alfie. I treated it pretty well. No pictures exist, unfortunately. I just hope that Newt treats his imaginary friends well.

  2. horsedreamer_1

    Does this mean Newt does or does not have AIDS?

    (I always was surprised the stories about Arafat's love of the menfolk never got traction on Wonkette.)

      1. horsedreamer_1

        The story was promulgated by a defector from the Romanian Securitatea. That's all I know. Heard about it from a friend from my Peace Corps stint in Romania, after he had read from the defector as part of a graduate school curriculum (that followed my friend's own time in PC-Ro).

    1. JustPixelz

      Invented people are people, my friend.

      The most important invented person in Newt's life is Callista. Amalgamated Robotics has many valuable patents on her almost life-like appearance.

      Newt is an invented person. LIke the Pillsbury Doughboy. Exactly like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

      1. tessiee

        "Callista. Amalgamated Robotics has many valuable patents on her almost life-like appearance"

        I understand they're made in a basement in Stepford, CT.

    2. flamingpdog

      Invented person? Cripes, if only his parents had had the foresight to use a condom and make him a prevented person.

    1. tessiee

      In defiance to all the principles of logic and mathematics, neither one of them is the better looking of the two.

  3. Goonemeritus

    I smell a Manchurian Candidate, how do we know he’s not a sleeper agent. The whole adoption thing might just be a cover for his radical birth parents.

    1. Numbat_Dundee

      If they ever introduce democracy to Manchuria the voters will have a hard time deciding who to vote for,

    2. Loaded_Pants

      What does a Manchurian Candidate smell like? If it's Newty, probably flatulence and Calista's post-blow job breath.

  4. Wilcoxyz

    If you or your people want to be written into history, well, that involves strategic consulting worth about $25K-$30K per month on retainer. Or $1.6 million over roughly 8 years.

  5. Tommmcattt

    Newt's double-chin has a double-chin in that pic. It's like his cheeks are trying to escape his skull by fleeing downward.

  6. JackDempsey1

    Arafat was always, "1,2,3,4, I declare a thumb war" *all-the-time*, which would usually set the peace process back 6 months.

  7. jus_wonderin

    Newt might be on to something here. If those you disagree with or dislike don't exist…poof…problem solved. I, for one, don't think Newt exists.

  8. Barb

    "…who would literally level the United States with nuclear bombs if Israel and/or Iowa told him to"

    He's going to use the "Newt-Ron Bomb"

      1. Negligently_Joe

        So we had frontrunning candidate that mined Pokemon for inspirational quotes and SimCity for tax policy? and now we have a frontrunning candidate that mines Call of Duty for defense policy positions?

        Well, on the bright side, we've at least graduated to video games that are rated at voting demographics.

        Also: what video games would Mitt Romney have to steal what policy positions from, in order to finally win the hearts of the Republican base? Any suggestions?

  9. OkieDokieDog

    I guess the only way Newt can mend his broken heart is to bomb the hell outta those invented peoples.
    USA! USA! Holyland!

  10. LettucePrey

    Nice try, Wonkette! Arafat was photoshopped into this picture. Newt can prove that he was cheating on wife #49 at the time.

  11. MOG2410

    All the "intellectual" Repubs here in lower, slower DE LOVE the Newt – so well-spoken, so well-educated, so hard on the poor, a perfect candidate.

  12. alzronnie

    Yeah, Arafat fucked Newt but he said it was the worst fuck he ever had. Gingrich's wives have all said the same.

  13. Mahousu

    What you libs don't understand is that Gingrich says the Palestinians are an "invented people" because he invented them. Check it out; they're from his alternate-history Civil War novel. (He also invented Thailand while he was at it, by the way.)

    That's why he's so happy to see Arafat – just the pride of an inventor in his newest creation.

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    "So, in your culture, it is perfectly fine for you to have more than one wife? But doesn't that take away the fun of banging an intern?"

  15. Extemporanus

    In Newt's defense, who among us didn't have a corrupt, Jew-fighting, Nobel Peace Prize-winning imaginary terrorist friend when they were younger?

  16. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    A Palestinian lives forever but not so little Newts
    Campaigns and Tiffany rings make way for other toys.
    One grey night it happened, Newt Gingrich came no more
    And Yasser that mighty Arab, he ceased his fearless roar.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      SE:

      Great call!

      Anybody who likes hookers in the hottub with lines of coke can't be all bad.

      Well, I guess there is Charlie Sheen, isn't there…?

        1. Tundra Grifter

          SE:

          We'd all be sitting on a barren mountaintop in Afghanistan, trying to shoot down a Soviet helicopter with a shoulder-fired missle.

  17. Texan_Bulldog

    I'm sure Newt got something for this (favors, money, access) meeting. Shit, for enough money Newt would dig up [insert horrible dead dictator here] & kiss his ass for a picture.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    Hey, look who's palling around with terrorists. It doesn't do much for Newt's reputation either.

  19. mavenmaven

    "Newt Gingrich is a wingnut shit-for-brains who would literally level the United States with nuclear bombs if Israel and/or Iowa told him to."

    Your comment suggests he has principle. In reality, Newt just says stuff that he thinks will get him ahead/head.

  20. dadanarchist

    trying in vain to slip a Tiffany silver whore ring on Arafat’s pinky

    Actually, I think that they are merely exchanging long protein strands. If you know a simpler way, I would like to hear it.

  21. flamingpdog

    … shaking hands and smiling with Mr Arafat. As to how politicians are supposed to handle that interaction given the more unsavoury aspects of Mr Arafat's history, …

    They probably handle it the same way they do when they get caught shaking hands and smiling with Newt.

  22. Walkinwiddaking

    Yeah, hard to come off as a "man of the people" when you're carrying a a six figure debt at the jeweler of the uber rich. Then again, do the uber rich shop at Tiffany's?

  23. Wonderthing

    So, a bunch of limeys, micks, polacks, and whatevers came over to this continent and invented themselves, as "Americans". Whaddaya know'bout dat?

  24. meatlofer

    Newt originally picked Ol' Yassar up in the Minneapolis Airport with the old Tap-the-foot under-the- stall- move.

  25. RavenRant

    OT, but did anyone else notice that Admiral McRaven, leader of the operation that took out bin Laden, said President Obama, "was really everything the American public would expect from their national leadership. The President was at all times presidential," he says. "I would contend he was the smartest guy in the room. He had leadership skills we'd expect from a guy who had 35 years in the military."
    http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/articl

    Spin that, Repugs.

    1. Chichikovovich

      McRaven, eh? Hmmmm. And now that I think of it, I don't remember any posts from you in the weeks leading up to May 1, 2011. Busy time, I imagine.

      1. RavenRant

        Yes, the name caught my eye. But, no matter what anyone says, we're not the same person. Or even related.

        I am not cut out for military life, being obedience impaired challenged.

    2. Negligently_Joe

      I still contend that Admiral McRaven is easily the most badass name in the US Military. I sincerely hope the guy has an eye-patch that he wears, just because.

      1. RavenRant

        'McRaven' does have a certain graphic novel flair.

        Does this mean 'RavenRant' is the most badass name on Wonkette? Should it have been McRavenRant? Or RavenMcRant?

    3. tessiee

      "Admiral McRaven, leader of the operation that took out bin Laden"

      A gratuitous plug for one of your family members, Raven?

  26. Loaded_Pants

    So which of Newt's "wives" was Arafat? Guess they had to order a barrel of lube for that honeymoon (does Tiffany's make lube?)

  27. Pat_Pending

    Good lord, he looks exactly the same as today! Was he fucking born with that fat curtain under his chin?!

  28. spends2much

    For fun, read this post in your head using Tom Brokaw's voice.
    Also, go fuck yourself Newt, you ethically-challenged endomorph douche.

  29. rocktonsam

    wonder which imaginary person Callista thinks about when Newt's fat ass crawls on top of her for sexytime?

  30. ttommyunger

    Word bubble over Newt's head: "Don't give me that sly smile, Yasser; I want to hear it out loud: next time I get a reach-around, OK?"

  31. tessiee

    Pear infused vodka, with a splash of Courvoisier (because Newt is such a ladies' man), and a gummi bear.

  32. Bonghits4Jesus

    Toad Gingrich cheated with Israel on the Palestinians, next he will cheat with Hezbollah on the Israelis

Comments are closed.