Ever Since Arafat Turned Him Down, Newt Swears Palestinians Don’t Exist

by Wonkette Jr.

Oh come on, Newt was just getting high with Ringo Starr.A long time ago, when amoral sperm whale Newt Gingrich was simultaneously banging another extramarital bimbo and prosecuting Bill Clinton for an extramarital sexytime, Newt was also deeply in love with Palestinian heartthrob Yasser Arafat.

In this newly rediscovered Facebook iPhone photo from the 1990s, Newt is seen tenderly holding Arafat’s hands and (we’re pretty sure) trying in vain to slip a Tiffany silver whore ring on Arafat’s pinky– Gingrich never goes anywhere without a pocket full of layaway Tiffany silver whore rings, in case he meets anybody he wants to suck him off while he’s married to someone else.

But Arafat, being a man of some convictions and standards, said no to the pear-shaped American hair bear. And ever since, Gingrich has been tearfully insisting that the entire Palestinian nation doesn’t exist, because it is dead to him now. (Also, Newt Gingrich is a wingnut shit-for-brains who would literally level the United States with nuclear bombs if Israel and/or Iowa told him to.) [The Economist]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 142 comments }

GunToting[Redacted] December 14, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Gotta admit. They do make a cute couple.

GOPCrusher December 14, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Not as cute as Donny Rumsfeld and Saddam Hussein.

dadanarchist December 14, 2011 at 4:38 pm

DOUBLE DATE!!!

Bonzos_Bed_Time December 14, 2011 at 4:22 pm

But nobody is hotter than these two: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JIxtZ0JeqqU/TTevci_KLjI

Tundra Grifter December 14, 2011 at 5:04 pm

BBT:

Tell 'em to get a room!

Chet Kincaid December 14, 2011 at 6:15 pm

(Languid bossa nova trumpet plays "The Look Of Love")

dadanarchist December 14, 2011 at 4:38 pm

More jowls than a puppy convention…

Loaded_Pants December 14, 2011 at 5:30 pm

They must have met at the annual Palestinian Bear Convention–where Newt was going to speak as a "historian".

Dashboard Buddha December 14, 2011 at 3:43 pm

When I was but a wee bairn, I had an imaginary friend named Alfie. I treated it pretty well. No pictures exist, unfortunately. I just hope that Newt treats his imaginary friends well.

TeaNuts December 14, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Enough with the foreplay, kiss him already! Than go pick out something nice for him at Lowe's.

Gratuitous World December 14, 2011 at 3:44 pm

i've long held the same opinion regarding the legendary "compassionate conservative"

horsedreamer_1 December 14, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Does this mean Newt does or does not have AIDS?

(I always was surprised the stories about Arafat's love of the menfolk never got traction on Wonkette.)

Dashboard Buddha December 14, 2011 at 3:47 pm

I dunno…just by looking at the sites in the google search, I can maybe understand why
https://www.google.com/search?q=arafat+was+gay&am

horsedreamer_1 December 14, 2011 at 3:57 pm

The story was promulgated by a defector from the Romanian Securitatea. That's all I know. Heard about it from a friend from my Peace Corps stint in Romania, after he had read from the defector as part of a graduate school curriculum (that followed my friend's own time in PC-Ro).

ShitFilledExistence December 14, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Loaded_Pants December 14, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Thats the picture of sessy right there. I'm off to fap now!

SorosBot December 14, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I believe Newt Gingrich is an invented person who doesn't really exist.

JustPixelz December 14, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Invented people are people, my friend.

The most important invented person in Newt's life is Callista. Amalgamated Robotics has many valuable patents on her almost life-like appearance.

Newt is an invented person. LIke the Pillsbury Doughboy. Exactly like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

tessiee December 14, 2011 at 8:34 pm

"Callista. Amalgamated Robotics has many valuable patents on her almost life-like appearance"

I understand they're made in a basement in Stepford, CT.

flamingpdog December 14, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Invented person? Cripes, if only his parents had had the foresight to use a condom and make him a prevented person.

MzNicky December 14, 2011 at 4:42 pm

If only.

Callyson December 14, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Until he incorporated, so now we're stuck with the person Newt.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 14, 2011 at 5:08 pm

But, then, how do you explain all the pain and suffering in the world?

x111e7thst December 14, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Arafat is definitely the better looking of the two.

Sue4466 December 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Even now.

tessiee December 14, 2011 at 8:30 pm

In defiance to all the principles of logic and mathematics, neither one of them is the better looking of the two.

Goonemeritus December 14, 2011 at 3:46 pm

I smell a Manchurian Candidate, how do we know he’s not a sleeper agent. The whole adoption thing might just be a cover for his radical birth parents.

YasserArraFeck December 14, 2011 at 4:26 pm

More like a "Feeder/Adulterer/Grifter Agent"

Numbat_Dundee December 14, 2011 at 5:26 pm

If they ever introduce democracy to Manchuria the voters will have a hard time deciding who to vote for,

Loaded_Pants December 14, 2011 at 5:48 pm

What does a Manchurian Candidate smell like? If it's Newty, probably flatulence and Calista's post-blow job breath.

Wilcoxyz December 14, 2011 at 3:46 pm

If you or your people want to be written into history, well, that involves strategic consulting worth about $25K-$30K per month on retainer. Or $1.6 million over roughly 8 years.

ShitFilledExistence December 14, 2011 at 3:46 pm

When Newt looks at that photo, he sees himself just standing there with his hand extended and thinks, "what the hell was this photo op even for?".

Tommmcattt December 14, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Newt's double-chin has a double-chin in that pic. It's like his cheeks are trying to escape his skull by fleeing downward.

actor212 December 14, 2011 at 3:47 pm

PALESTINIANS ISREAL!

horsedreamer_1 December 14, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Amar'e Libel!

actor212 December 14, 2011 at 4:06 pm
JackDempsey1 December 14, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Arafat was always, "1,2,3,4, I declare a thumb war" *all-the-time*, which would usually set the peace process back 6 months.

owhatever December 14, 2011 at 3:48 pm

"Really? You screwed a camel?"

"It was an unforgettable experience, Yassir."

jus_wonderin December 14, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Newt might be on to something here. If those you disagree with or dislike don't exist…poof…problem solved. I, for one, don't think Newt exists.

fuflans December 14, 2011 at 3:48 pm

to be fair, arafat DID make him sit in the back of the plane.

Barb December 14, 2011 at 3:48 pm

"…who would literally level the United States with nuclear bombs if Israel and/or Iowa told him to"

He's going to use the "Newt-Ron Bomb"

snackypants December 14, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Snark off: apparently one of Newtron Bomb's weird apocalyptic fascinations is the electromagnetic pulse attack:
http://gizmodo.com/5867205/newt-gingrich-is-bizar

The NY Times also had a good article about this yesterday. Why do I imagine him masturbating to images of mushroom clouds and fallout?

jus_wonderin December 14, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Ewwww. Such horrifying imagery. Not the nuclear stuff, just the Newt masturbating thing. Ewwwww.

Negligently_Joe December 14, 2011 at 5:50 pm

So we had frontrunning candidate that mined Pokemon for inspirational quotes and SimCity for tax policy? and now we have a frontrunning candidate that mines Call of Duty for defense policy positions?

Well, on the bright side, we've at least graduated to video games that are rated at voting demographics.

Also: what video games would Mitt Romney have to steal what policy positions from, in order to finally win the hearts of the Republican base? Any suggestions?

snackypants December 14, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Grand Theft Auto?

Negligently_Joe December 15, 2011 at 4:32 pm

That would be every Republican's economic policy, basically, wouldn't it?

OkieDokieDog December 14, 2011 at 3:49 pm

I guess the only way Newt can mend his broken heart is to bomb the hell outta those invented peoples.
USA! USA! Holyland!

LettucePrey December 14, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Nice try, Wonkette! Arafat was photoshopped into this picture. Newt can prove that he was cheating on wife #49 at the time.

Baconzgood December 14, 2011 at 3:49 pm

That guy in the back sure thinks Arafat is dreamy.

flamingpdog December 14, 2011 at 4:30 pm

The guy in the back looks like he could give "tanning" tips to John Boner.

tessiee December 14, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Hey, who doesn't?

fuflans December 14, 2011 at 3:49 pm

also, 'pair shaped american hair bear' deserves to be a cocktail.

DaRooster December 14, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Fucking Sleaze Bag Maggot… Go away.

SwanSwanH December 14, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Yassir, he's my baby.

Extemporanus December 14, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Nassir, I don't mean maybe…

TeaNuts December 14, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Tiffany's was so last week.

MOG2410 December 14, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Ahh, it never goes out of style. And that's where the line of credit is!

flamingpdog December 14, 2011 at 4:25 pm

I'll give Newtie credit any day for giving the American people a line of bullshit.

MOG2410 December 14, 2011 at 3:53 pm

All the "intellectual" Repubs here in lower, slower DE LOVE the Newt – so well-spoken, so well-educated, so hard on the poor, a perfect candidate.

alzronnie December 14, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Yeah, Arafat fucked Newt but he said it was the worst fuck he ever had. Gingrich's wives have all said the same.

Mahousu December 14, 2011 at 3:57 pm

What you libs don't understand is that Gingrich says the Palestinians are an "invented people" because he invented them. Check it out; they're from his alternate-history Civil War novel. (He also invented Thailand while he was at it, by the way.)

That's why he's so happy to see Arafat – just the pride of an inventor in his newest creation.

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 4:10 pm

"He also invented Thailand"

I wonder if he invented the "basket job" too.

flamingpdog December 14, 2011 at 4:31 pm

That's a funky thai he's wearing in the picture of him and Arafat.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 14, 2011 at 3:57 pm

I really hope Newt wins the RNC nomination. He's fun!

MzNicky December 14, 2011 at 4:45 pm

It would be enjoyable to watch Barry kick Newt's fat ass down a peg or five in a debate.

arihaya December 14, 2011 at 4:58 pm

this just in: Comedy Writers Guild of America endorses Newt Gingrich

sbj1964 December 14, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Newt & Arafat sit'in in a tree! They made a nice couple. A couple of @ssholes.

Tundra Grifter December 14, 2011 at 5:07 pm

To steal from Robin Williams, they are both ass-halfs.

Because together they make …

RadioYKWE December 14, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Since then, Newt now calls Yasser "The greatest food stamp terrorist ever."

byepluto December 14, 2011 at 3:59 pm

I don't believe any of you exist; you're all just figments of my imagination.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 14, 2011 at 3:59 pm

"So, in your culture, it is perfectly fine for you to have more than one wife? But doesn't that take away the fun of banging an intern?"

Indiepalin December 14, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Ringo forever!

Bonzos_Bed_Time December 14, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Peace and love, peace and love…

Biff December 14, 2011 at 5:30 pm

You know it don't come easy!

TanzbodenKoenig December 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Hell hath no fury like a shiftless hypocrite scorned

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Yasser is saying "Ask me about my Nobel Peace Prize!!!"

weejee December 14, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Fatah libel

orygoon December 14, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Newt had imaginary friends? Do we really want a president with imaginary friends?

Extemporanus December 14, 2011 at 4:18 pm
YasserArraFeck December 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Better than one with imaginary ability

actor212 December 14, 2011 at 5:02 pm

We survived President Cheney, didn't we?

orygoon December 14, 2011 at 6:22 pm

But many times it seemed like such a near thing…

johnnyzhivago December 14, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Is that Saddam Hussain or Go-Go Gonzales in the middle?

Extemporanus December 14, 2011 at 4:03 pm

In Newt's defense, who among us didn't have a corrupt, Jew-fighting, Nobel Peace Prize-winning imaginary terrorist friend when they were younger?

Numbat_Dundee December 14, 2011 at 5:28 pm

I sort of had one. Only mine hated Bulgarians.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 14, 2011 at 4:03 pm

A Palestinian lives forever but not so little Newts
Campaigns and Tiffany rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, Newt Gingrich came no more
And Yasser that mighty Arab, he ceased his fearless roar.

SystemError December 14, 2011 at 4:05 pm

I'm pretty sure that's the late, great Charlie Wilson (of his eponymous War) between the two.

Tundra Grifter December 14, 2011 at 5:09 pm

SE:

Great call!

Anybody who likes hookers in the hottub with lines of coke can't be all bad.

Well, I guess there is Charlie Sheen, isn't there…?

SystemError December 14, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Imagine what Wonkette would be like if we had more Charlie Wilsons around today.

Tundra Grifter December 14, 2011 at 5:38 pm

SE:

We'd all be sitting on a barren mountaintop in Afghanistan, trying to shoot down a Soviet helicopter with a shoulder-fired missle.

SystemError December 14, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Hey, I've seen Rambo III, and I know you can do that with a bow and arrow.

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 4:08 pm

"I just can't quit the West Bank, Newt."

Monsieur_Grumpe December 14, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Oh!
Hairy love!
We would shave each other for hours on end!
Oh!
Hairy Love!

Texan_Bulldog December 14, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I'm sure Newt got something for this (favors, money, access) meeting. Shit, for enough money Newt would dig up [insert horrible dead dictator here] & kiss his ass for a picture.

JustPixelz December 14, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Newt's supporters are on WikiBible changing The Philistines to The Democrats as we speak.

YasserArraFeck December 14, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Newt wouldn't stop talking the whole way through – very distracting

MzNicky December 14, 2011 at 4:45 pm

… about himself.

tessiee December 14, 2011 at 8:58 pm

"I'm dead sexy!"

SayItWithWookies December 14, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Hey, look who's palling around with terrorists. It doesn't do much for Newt's reputation either.

mavenmaven December 14, 2011 at 4:32 pm

"Newt Gingrich is a wingnut shit-for-brains who would literally level the United States with nuclear bombs if Israel and/or Iowa told him to."

Your comment suggests he has principle. In reality, Newt just says stuff that he thinks will get him ahead/head.

dadanarchist December 14, 2011 at 4:34 pm

trying in vain to slip a Tiffany silver whore ring on Arafat’s pinky

Actually, I think that they are merely exchanging long protein strands. If you know a simpler way, I would like to hear it.

flamingpdog December 14, 2011 at 4:35 pm

… shaking hands and smiling with Mr Arafat. As to how politicians are supposed to handle that interaction given the more unsavoury aspects of Mr Arafat's history, …

They probably handle it the same way they do when they get caught shaking hands and smiling with Newt.

Walkinwiddaking December 14, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Yeah, hard to come off as a "man of the people" when you're carrying a a six figure debt at the jeweler of the uber rich. Then again, do the uber rich shop at Tiffany's?

MOG2410 December 14, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Not the uber, probably not the 1%. But a whole lot of noveau and some old money still go there.

Biff December 14, 2011 at 5:15 pm

I think they might send the help to pick up a bauble or two there.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 14, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Oh please … Tiffany's is just a notch above Zale's. The 0.01% shop at Harry Winston.

Walkinwiddaking December 14, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Zales? Pah! If he really cared he'd go to Jared.

Guppy December 14, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Looks rather soft on terrorism to me.

arihaya December 14, 2011 at 4:42 pm

and remember what Newt did when he had to sit at the back of the plane

SayItWithWookies December 14, 2011 at 4:48 pm

"So the Arabic word for toupee is keffiyah? Interesting."

mereoblivion December 14, 2011 at 4:50 pm

"Yassir, youbetcha!"

MzNicky December 14, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Maybe that's just Callista pre-Botox/facial planing? With a dish towel on her head?

Wonderthing December 14, 2011 at 4:56 pm

So, a bunch of limeys, micks, polacks, and whatevers came over to this continent and invented themselves, as "Americans". Whaddaya know'bout dat?

meatlofer December 14, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Newt originally picked Ol' Yassar up in the Minneapolis Airport with the old Tap-the-foot under-the- stall- move.

RavenRant December 14, 2011 at 5:07 pm

OT, but did anyone else notice that Admiral McRaven, leader of the operation that took out bin Laden, said President Obama, "was really everything the American public would expect from their national leadership. The President was at all times presidential," he says. "I would contend he was the smartest guy in the room. He had leadership skills we'd expect from a guy who had 35 years in the military."
http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/articl

Spin that, Repugs.

Chichikovovich December 14, 2011 at 5:37 pm

McRaven, eh? Hmmmm. And now that I think of it, I don't remember any posts from you in the weeks leading up to May 1, 2011. Busy time, I imagine.

RavenRant December 14, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Yes, the name caught my eye. But, no matter what anyone says, we're not the same person. Or even related.

I am not cut out for military life, being obedience impaired challenged.

Negligently_Joe December 14, 2011 at 5:44 pm

I still contend that Admiral McRaven is easily the most badass name in the US Military. I sincerely hope the guy has an eye-patch that he wears, just because.

RavenRant December 14, 2011 at 5:49 pm

'McRaven' does have a certain graphic novel flair.

Does this mean 'RavenRant' is the most badass name on Wonkette? Should it have been McRavenRant? Or RavenMcRant?

tessiee December 14, 2011 at 9:12 pm

"Admiral McRaven, leader of the operation that took out bin Laden"

A gratuitous plug for one of your family members, Raven?

RavenRant December 14, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Nope. Just a coincidence. Completely innocent coincidence.

tessiee December 14, 2011 at 10:07 pm

"Just a coincidence. Completely innocent coincidence."

*walks away whistling*

Negropolis December 15, 2011 at 12:39 am

I can see it, already, McCraven.

Also, he name sounds a little Muslin/Gay/Black…

JackObin December 14, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Where did they meet, at an excessive chins competition?

Tundra Grifter December 14, 2011 at 5:37 pm

More chins than the Chinese phonebook.

Loaded_Pants December 14, 2011 at 5:27 pm

So which of Newt's "wives" was Arafat? Guess they had to order a barrel of lube for that honeymoon (does Tiffany's make lube?)

ThundercatHo December 14, 2011 at 5:42 pm

SPERM WHALE LIBEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pat_Pending December 14, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Good lord, he looks exactly the same as today! Was he fucking born with that fat curtain under his chin?!

OneYieldRegular December 14, 2011 at 6:14 pm

Who that's guy on the left? He looks like Rachel Ray.

spends2much December 14, 2011 at 6:26 pm

For fun, read this post in your head using Tom Brokaw's voice.
Also, go fuck yourself Newt, you ethically-challenged endomorph douche.

rocktonsam December 14, 2011 at 7:40 pm

wonder which imaginary person Callista thinks about when Newt's fat ass crawls on top of her for sexytime?

tessiee December 14, 2011 at 9:13 pm

Whichever technician services her electrodes?

RavenRant December 14, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Jabba the Hut?

Slim_Pickins December 14, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Keep up, man Its his tongue she craves.

E_Tx_Pines December 14, 2011 at 10:57 pm

All of them, Katie!

ttommyunger December 14, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Word bubble over Newt's head: "Don't give me that sly smile, Yasser; I want to hear it out loud: next time I get a reach-around, OK?"

tessiee December 14, 2011 at 8:56 pm

Pear infused vodka, with a splash of Courvoisier (because Newt is such a ladies' man), and a gummi bear.

Slim_Pickins December 14, 2011 at 9:27 pm

QUOTE "You don't hire me to 'lobby' for you, you don't exist [PERIOD]" UNQUOTE

Negropolis December 15, 2011 at 12:32 am

Newt Gingrich "palling around with terrorists."

Bonghits4Jesus December 15, 2011 at 3:13 am

Toad Gingrich cheated with Israel on the Palestinians, next he will cheat with Hezbollah on the Israelis

RavenRant December 14, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Throw in 'hypocritical' and that covers it.

MOG2410 December 14, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Sadly, yes.

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