BEWITCHED  11:22 am December 14, 2011

Witch Endorses Cultist

by Wonkette Jr.

Regretful teen-aged witch Christine O’Donnell has endorsed bland gazillionaire flip-flopper Mitt Romney — or, to the Newt Gingrich campaign, Mitt Romney the cultist. Why endorse Mitt? According to O’Donnell’s appearance on CNN this morning, it’s because “He’s been consistent since he changed his mind.” Uhh.

We are pretty sure this development means Mitt Romney is going to dump his longtime wife and marry Christine (“to be more like Newt”) and then be the goofy dullard businessman while unemployable housewife O’Donnell comically tries to “stop using witchcraft” (masturbating) while he’s at work. This is Romney’s “northeast strategy,” we think.

Anyway, super exciting news, on the endorsement front: Christine O’Donnell has thrown the full influence and power of her never-elected national-joke status behind poor little rich boy Mitt Romney. Obama probably doesn’t even have to campaign next year. [LAT/Think Progress]

 
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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 153 comments }

nounverb911 December 14, 2011 at 11:23 am

Time for Mitt to issue his non-denial denial.

user-of-owls December 14, 2011 at 11:25 am

Well this is certainly a game changer.

Oblios_Cap December 14, 2011 at 11:58 am

I would have bet that she would give her endorsement to Santorum.

chicken_thief December 14, 2011 at 11:59 am

Time for the Santorum surge?

snackypants December 14, 2011 at 12:03 pm

More like a Santorum purge.

GOPCrusher December 14, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Would that another name for fart?

TheJasonAlexanderFanClub December 14, 2011 at 1:11 pm

It sure is, Mitt's mormon Ouija board is spelling something!

N… O… H… O… P… E

Hmm, must mean that Hopey Obama feller will lose next year! Huzzah! Crackers and water for all!

user-of-owls December 14, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Crackers and water for all!

Whoa there sonny, where do you think you are, Gomorrah?

gullywompr December 14, 2011 at 10:31 pm

This is good news for John McCain.

bureaucrap December 14, 2011 at 11:25 am

Xtine O'Donnell influences how many other votes? 2? 3? Other than throw-away weeklies that have to fill up column-inches with SOMETHING, who even gives a c**p?

bureaucrap December 14, 2011 at 11:27 am

LA Times, BTW, definitely counts as "throw away that has to fill up column inches with something…"

user-of-owls December 14, 2011 at 11:26 am

You say endorsement, I say hex…potato, potahto.

Not_So_Much December 14, 2011 at 11:26 am

I'm sure Mr. Magic Underoos is fucking thrilled to be endorsed by Krazee Witch. Although, she might make a fun addition to his string of wives in the afterlife…

chicken_thief December 14, 2011 at 12:01 pm

If fun addition = unkempt forest of brillo hair

SorosBot December 14, 2011 at 11:27 am

So who are Sharon Angle and Joe Miller going to endorse?

mavenmaven December 14, 2011 at 11:28 am

Joe the candidate?

paris biltong December 14, 2011 at 11:45 am

Euclid and Figaro, respectively.

horsedreamer_1 December 14, 2011 at 12:47 pm

All of them, Katie.

mavenmaven December 14, 2011 at 11:27 am

He clearly "charmed" her into this endorsement. Will she undergo an exorcism?

Barb December 14, 2011 at 11:28 am

Now Mitt can make those campaign TV ads, "I am not a rich, I 'm you."

Extemporanus December 14, 2011 at 12:39 pm

It's a Christmas Miracle, Barb! For once, it appears that I may have actually beaten you to the punch.

I can assure you that it won't happen again, for I shall now die a "rich" man.

(Since IncenseDebate will fuck up the link, see replies to the first comment.)

Barb December 14, 2011 at 1:18 pm

You remember something you said 343 days ago? I mutter to myself, "tag in the back" as I dress myself each morning.

Extemporanus December 14, 2011 at 2:40 pm

That's why I prefer to comment in the glorious altogether — really helps air out the ol' synapses, and whatnot. A dynamically integrated Access database of everything that I've ever said catches anything else that might fall through the cracks.

Bullshit aside, I actually do remember, pretty much word-for-word, every single dumb comment I've ever made here. I don't know why…because I'm a mentally unbalanced writer/artist, maybe?

I tend not to use this "power" for evil, such as was the case with the "I said it first" douche move I just pulled on you. (Sorry!) However, in light of your status as our Wonkette's reigning "FIRST!!1" lady — and the fact that I'm regularly trumped by East Coasters, early risers, and quick wits capable of getting their RSS feed alerts to fucking work — I guess I just couldn't help myself.

Typically, on this poop joke-strewn dog track, you're the fluffy stuffed bunny that zips by while the rest of us are busy chasin' tails, lickin' balls, and sniffin' asses. And yet, the race goes on.

Woof woof, baby…

Barb December 14, 2011 at 3:21 pm

You are so cute, thanks!
There is a guy over at Huffington Post who comes here and lurks and will cut, copy, and paste my comments here and take them over there as his own. He left a reference to Jeffery, my husband, in one once. One of these days I'm going to bust him for it.

Chet Kincaid December 14, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Poopy Montgomery, is that you?

Chillwaver December 14, 2011 at 11:29 am

"I'm not a witch. I just like to wear magic underwear and pray to American Jesus."

– Mittens

Oblios_Cap December 14, 2011 at 11:59 am

"I'm You!"

Goonemeritus December 14, 2011 at 11:30 am

"Mitt Romney is going to dump his longtime wife and marry Christine"

Fine but if Mitt suggests a nice car ride she needs to stipulate in the car not on the car.

user-of-owls December 14, 2011 at 11:33 am

And if the ride's in France, nowhere near the car at all.

Baconzgood December 14, 2011 at 11:30 am

I find this difficult to masterbate to.

Goonemeritus December 14, 2011 at 11:42 am

The trick is to turn down the sound and tape a picture of Emma Peel dressed as the Queen of Sin over the screen.

Baconzgood December 14, 2011 at 11:56 am

That would work.

Beetagger December 14, 2011 at 11:30 am

She must really go for the Dockers® look in a man.

Chet Kincaid December 14, 2011 at 3:31 pm

She has also endorsed Brooks Brothers Catalog Model Stew Beefcake for Vice President.

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 11:31 am

I wonder who Alistair Crowley would endorse.

SayItWithWookies December 14, 2011 at 11:52 am

All of them, Katie.

horsedreamer_1 December 14, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Ozzy Osbourne, who, like our current president, was also born a subject of the British crown.

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 11:32 am

This is almost as important as the coveted Colin Powell endorsement.

ifthethunderdontgetya December 14, 2011 at 11:32 am

The really funny thing is that Mittens decided to email this important endorsement out to everybody.

Mittens doesn't get how humans think…
~

ThundercatHo December 14, 2011 at 11:32 am

Mittens does kind of look like Darren.

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 11:35 am

Durwood? Darwin? Dum-dum?

SorosBot December 14, 2011 at 11:41 am

Which one?

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 11:57 am

Well, they were both Dicks…

YasserArraFeck December 14, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Must be the spade-shaped chin

ThundercatHo December 14, 2011 at 12:23 pm

That and the patronizing attitude. Endora should've smoked his ass.

ManchuCandidate December 14, 2011 at 11:33 am

So I take it that Newt is pro Brazilian.

ifthethunderdontgetya December 14, 2011 at 11:34 am

Baldist Libel!
~

GregComlish December 14, 2011 at 11:51 am

Newt hates Brazilians, but he loves deforestation.

chicken_thief December 14, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Just how many is a brazillion?

Chillwaver December 14, 2011 at 11:33 am

…which begs the question, who will the Original Grifter Twat(TM) endorse?

freakishlywrong December 14, 2011 at 11:40 am

All of them, Chillwaver?

Chillwaver December 14, 2011 at 11:47 am

I'd say none of them. That way she'll raise some speculation (i.e. "cash for Sarah Pac") about a possible last minute run.

jus_wonderin December 14, 2011 at 11:55 am

The most recent time I had a last minute run, I almost didn't make it. Oh, Sarah. Yeah, she will be all about the cash.

Chillwaver December 14, 2011 at 11:56 am

Taco Bell or Chipotle?

Callyson December 14, 2011 at 12:37 pm

I was going to speculate over the possibility of a third party ticket with Saint Sarah and The Donald, but that will never happen. Neither of them would settle for the VP spot.

GOPCrusher December 14, 2011 at 1:15 pm

None of them.
I think she fully expects to be see a brokered convention in which she will be begged to be the Republiklan nominee.

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 2:06 pm

I can't imagine that she even knows what "brokered convention" means.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 14, 2011 at 11:34 am

“He’s been consistent since he changed his mind.”

If any of us had come up with that, we'd get 100 upfists.

starfanglednut December 14, 2011 at 11:52 am

I know. Darn it.

spareme December 14, 2011 at 11:36 am

I always felt that Mittens is a closet Warlock. And/or the Sheriff of Rottingham, too.

ThundercatHo December 14, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Or maybe a closet man in tights?

spareme December 14, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Certainly not Robin Hood – he doesn't speak with an English accent

Generation[redacted] December 14, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Rick Perry plays that part, with Chris Christie as Little John (and Newt as Maid Marion's lady in waiting).

goondogger December 14, 2011 at 11:36 am

Is this Christopher Nolan's gritty reboot of Bewitched? I'm assuming they'll change Darrins between each sequel (each act?).

sbj1964 December 14, 2011 at 11:36 am

Burn The Witch ! 2011 hell no; like it's 1611.Old school style !

Limeylizzie December 14, 2011 at 11:36 am

I agree with her , well, on this one thing anyway.
http://news.yahoo.com/great-health-reasons-not-ba

SorosBot December 14, 2011 at 11:42 am

Boo!

Biff December 14, 2011 at 11:50 am

"a clean vagina will have a mild stench"

That's not helping!

GregComlish December 14, 2011 at 11:53 am

Lizzie's a witch too! Burn her!

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 11:54 am

No! First, we must see if she weighs as much as a duck!!

paris biltong December 14, 2011 at 11:53 am

Hobbits have hair "down there". What's so shameful about the term "pubic"?

jus_wonderin December 14, 2011 at 11:58 am

"It is not at all unusual to find pustules and other hair follicle inflammation papules on shaved genitals."

Which is no problem for a partner as they have already taken the train to…anywhere.

GunToting[Redacted] December 14, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Don't get me wrong… I'm not advocating deforestation, just the occasional pruning.

Spurning Beer December 14, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Lizzie, from your linked article:

In fact, The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists say that a clean vagina will have a mild stench, which is a why they do not recommend douching.
Related: In Haiti, Death Toll From Cholera Tops 900

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Couldn't they have said "eau" or "aroma" or "fragrance?" I mean, "stench"?

Limeylizzie December 14, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Cunt-related cholera?

finallyhappy December 14, 2011 at 4:14 pm

one of my former bosses worked on cholera prevention in the thrid world- it involved straining water through saris- she never talked about this!!

Steverino247 December 14, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Hey, once you get past the smell, you've got it licked!

Limeylizzie December 14, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Win.

Steverino247 December 14, 2011 at 6:51 pm

You sure? I thought cunt-related cholera was, well, pretty fucking disgusting, but a great post nonetheless!

HarryButtle December 14, 2011 at 3:51 pm

A british accent, sardonic wit, and a full bush…Mr Limeylizzie is indeed a lucky man.

Chet Kincaid December 14, 2011 at 4:08 pm

How can one "shag" without shag? What is more mouth-watering than a furburger?

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 11:37 am

Why is this woman on CNN, and not on some info-mercial pimping tarot cards or something?

goondogger December 14, 2011 at 11:38 am

How would you know the difference?

chicken_thief December 14, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Because they needed to hear from a batshit crazy fringe bitch of the party and whats-her-name and the First Douche are holed up in the frozen north?

GOPCrusher December 14, 2011 at 1:18 pm

She could talk in a Jamaican accent and call herself Miss Cleo.

freakishlywrong December 14, 2011 at 11:39 am

That interview this a.m. I actually caught it, furiously trying to get away from Morning Doh. CNN is is seriously teatarded, all I could think was; "who gives a fuck what this twunt has to say about anything"? And "there is no tea party, it's a bunch of costumed, wingnut, know-nothing Birchers, you fools". This is not a good way to start the day.

Biff December 14, 2011 at 11:54 am

Made-up people.

Ken Layne December 14, 2011 at 2:10 pm

it's a bunch of costumed, wingnut, know-nothing Birchers, you fools ….

Is Frank Miller tackling "The Fantastic Four" next?

fartknocker December 14, 2011 at 11:40 am

In other news The Princess of Wasilla has endorsed Summer Eve's as her douche of choice.

chicken_thief December 14, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Over Tawd? That's a bit of a shocker.

MOG2410 December 14, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Both Romney and Summer's Ever are now in damage control!

paris biltong December 14, 2011 at 11:41 am

OK, but what about this whole business about Mitt speaking French and the ad supposedly produced by a supposedly "liberal" PAC, American LP, and the phony subtitles and his bad pronunciation and so on? Step aside Xtine, you're just a distraction. The Frogs are the real issue here. http://americanlp.org/2011/12/08/mitt-romney-fren

SorosBot December 14, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Ah, today's GOP; where knowing another language is considered a detriment, as is knowledge in general.

Chet Kincaid December 14, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Mitt Romney, Le Pouf-Célèbre!

Pragmatist2 December 14, 2011 at 11:41 am

They would have such beautiful children, although they would likely be serial killers.

donner_froh December 14, 2011 at 11:42 am

“He’s been consistent since he changed his mind.”

Very powerful reasoning–right up there with "He has told the truth since he lied."

Biel_ze_Bubba December 14, 2011 at 11:56 am

And "Newt's been married to the same woman, ever since his last divorce."

Oblios_Cap December 14, 2011 at 12:00 pm

"He hasn't abused any dogs since the infamous station wagon ride."

SayItWithWookies December 14, 2011 at 12:19 pm

He kept America safe since 9/11.

GunToting[Redacted] December 14, 2011 at 12:37 pm

And that whole "Anthrax" thing.

horsedreamer_1 December 14, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Scott Ian Libel!

GunToting[Redacted] December 14, 2011 at 12:52 pm

NOT!!!

Callyson December 14, 2011 at 12:40 pm

"Other than that, the play was very nice," Mrs Lincoln replied.

chicken_thief December 14, 2011 at 1:01 pm

There's thousands of women that I didn't harass.

Negropolis December 15, 2011 at 1:50 am

"So, when did you stop beating your wife?"

Mahousu December 14, 2011 at 11:42 am

Gingrich could have had her endorsement if he had covered her jewelry bill, but noooo. C'mon Newt, we're only talking Zales, not Tiffany's.

Chet Kincaid December 14, 2011 at 3:45 pm

It could only be Jared!!

YasserArraFeck December 14, 2011 at 11:43 am

Maybe Mittens will give her a referral to his hair stylist….you know….for her hair….

jus_wonderin December 14, 2011 at 11:45 am

Is it just me, or does "northeast strategy" sound a bit durty???

memzilla December 14, 2011 at 11:45 am

You have to admit, it's a good counterintelligence play by Newt, having Xtine the Witch endorse Mitt the Mormon. Kicked him right in the Tabernacles.

SpiderCrab December 14, 2011 at 11:46 am

Mitt locks up the untrimmed bush vote.

pdiddycornchips December 14, 2011 at 1:23 pm

She told him she could lock up the pro-bush vote.

MrFizzy December 14, 2011 at 11:47 am

I hope Newt gets Blago's endorsement soon.

vtxmcrider December 14, 2011 at 11:48 am

Ever notice the witch's nose on Callista? She is going to make that amateur from Delaware regret forever that she ever dabbled in witchcraft.

memzilla December 14, 2011 at 11:50 am

Watch this video with the sound off, and substitute Bullwinkle J. Moose's famous line: "Eeny Beeny Chili Beany, the spirits are about to speak."

finallyhappy December 14, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Eeny meeny chili beeny

WhatTheHeck December 14, 2011 at 11:51 am

Ye gads! By what manner did she divine this endorsement?
She must have looked into the boiling, republican cauldron and grabbed for anything ‘floating’ near the surface.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 14, 2011 at 12:02 pm

I'm pretty sure Newt's a floater as well … that's why we haven't succeeded in flushing him.

Mumbletypeg December 14, 2011 at 11:51 am

It's a match made in syncretist heaven: your witch with a cat with nine lives to go with the serial-marryin' Mormon's nine wives. ( I assume with only one wife, Mitt's just "gettin' started.")

Poindexter718 December 14, 2011 at 11:54 am

I'm not a warlock, I'm you, America … a Moroni worshipping, strange undergarment wearing, multimillionaire, political shapeshifter …

SayItWithWookies December 14, 2011 at 11:57 am

So I guess Delaware's electoral votes would be in play if Mitt wins the nomination. Or they would be, if the vice president wasn't from there. And the teabaggers weren't over as a political force. And if there were enough Christian ex-witch revirgins who voted. And if anybody cared what Christine O'Donnell had to say.

actor212 December 14, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Christian ex-witch revirgins who voted

I'm so naming my Christian Goth band this

actor212 December 14, 2011 at 11:58 am

Silly Christine! Mormons don't strap their dogs to brooms! They ride station wagons!

deanbooth December 14, 2011 at 12:16 pm

tries to “stop using witchcraft” (masturbating) — excellent!

"The house began to pitch, the hand to twitch…"

thefrontpage December 14, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Just curious: How many Wonkette readers have had "relations" with Christine O'Donnell, Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter and Michelle Bachman?! Share your stories!

chicken_thief December 14, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Glenn Rice?! That you? Little late for that question now, isn't it?

BarackMyWorld December 14, 2011 at 12:30 pm

My thoughts on Christine O'Donnell begin and end with "I'd do her."

actor212 December 14, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Somewhere in there, you have to have "with a ballgag"

Steverino247 December 14, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Not necessarily. I'll just assume that any male posting here has sufficient meat to gag Christine just fine, thank you.

And don't forget, the worst thing about being an atheist is there's no one to talk to while getting a blow job.

YasserArraFeck December 14, 2011 at 1:31 pm

And don't forget, the worst thing about being an atheist is there's no one to talk to while getting a blow job.

Really? You've never heard of the deity "Fuck Yeah!"?

Slim_Pickins December 14, 2011 at 12:31 pm

In comparison, that international figurine, Sarah Palin, can't even get time on IONTV these days. Christine must be doing something right.

chicken_thief December 14, 2011 at 1:07 pm

It's not who you know, it's who you….

VinnyThePooh December 14, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Mitch is an evolved hurdy-gurdy monkey Christine can believe in.

Steverino247 December 14, 2011 at 12:38 pm

She endorsed Mitt in exchange for a promise NOT to appoint her ambassador to Saudi Arabia should he win.

OneYieldRegular December 14, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Does this mean Tom Cruise will wind up as Secretary of State?

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 14, 2011 at 12:59 pm

When I saw this, all I could think was that Christine had been hitting the Mac and Cheese to help her depression after losing.

LiveToServeYa December 14, 2011 at 1:21 pm

This is obviously a cunning ploy by the Lush Pubic Hexer to extort money from Romney to switch her endorsement to Newt.

Nostrildamus December 14, 2011 at 1:26 pm

This is Romney’s “northeast strategy,” we think.

I think of masturbation as a more of a South-Central strategy.

Ruhe December 14, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Apparently it's not evil if you use a mitt.

Chet Kincaid December 14, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Nice.

natoslug December 14, 2011 at 2:01 pm

They're also lazy, chain-smoking nuclear monsters: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZMwKPmsbWE

slowhansolo December 14, 2011 at 2:22 pm

What witch worth his or her eye of Newt could be so bad at divination as to think anyone would care about his or her endorsement?

HarryButtle December 14, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Mitt Romney is going to dump his longtime wife and marry Christine (“to be more like Newt”) and then be the goofy dullard businessman while unemployable housewife O’Donnell comically tries to “stop using witchcraft” (masturbating) while he’s at work.

And then Mitt's boss Larry Tate shows up for dinner and the hilarity ensues.

Loaded_Pants December 14, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Oh Chrissy, why don't you just do that voodoo that you do so well (or not).

ttommyunger December 14, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Can we jus chip in and buy her a vacation in Saudi Arabia? I understand they have a special place for Witches there.

user-of-owls December 14, 2011 at 11:29 am

Since most spells only call for the eyes, the old aphorism applies:

In the kingdom of blind newts, the one-eyed Gingrich is still a dick.

Beetagger December 14, 2011 at 11:29 am

Only his eye.

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 11:30 am

Witch… Newt… Spell… there's a Holy Grail reference in there somewhere.

LiveToServeYa December 14, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Well, Newt's for sure not going to get better.

Chet Kincaid December 14, 2011 at 3:27 pm

That's hilarious! "I'm Ted Offalburger, and my husband Jeff is a wealthy Hospitality Industry Executive."

Extemporanus December 14, 2011 at 3:49 pm

HA! Those purty little HuffPo merit badges don't come easy!

I tried doing something similar a while back, only I copied BigGovernment comments and pasted them here.

No one noticed.

Extemporanus December 14, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Poopy Montgomery, Crappy Bates, Shitty Carlisle…I'm whoever your little heart desires, scat man brother.

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