bewitched

Witch Endorses Cultist

Regretful teen-aged witch Christine O’Donnell has endorsed bland gazillionaire flip-flopper Mitt Romney — or, to the Newt Gingrich campaign, Mitt Romney the cultist. Why endorse Mitt? According to O’Donnell’s appearance on CNN this morning, it’s because “He’s been consistent since he changed his mind.” Uhh.

We are pretty sure this development means Mitt Romney is going to dump his longtime wife and marry Christine (“to be more like Newt”) and then be the goofy dullard businessman while unemployable housewife O’Donnell comically tries to “stop using witchcraft” (masturbating) while he’s at work. This is Romney’s “northeast strategy,” we think.

Anyway, super exciting news, on the endorsement front: Christine O’Donnell has thrown the full influence and power of her never-elected national-joke status behind poor little rich boy Mitt Romney. Obama probably doesn’t even have to campaign next year. [LAT/Think Progress]

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  • nounverb911

    Time for Mitt to issue his non-denial denial.

  • user-of-owls

    Well this is certainly a game changer.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I would have bet that she would give her endorsement to Santorum.

    • chicken_thief

      Time for the Santorum surge?

      • snackypants

        More like a Santorum purge.

        • GOPCrusher

          Would that another name for fart?

    • TheJasonAlexanderFanClub

      It sure is, Mitt's mormon Ouija board is spelling something!

      N… O… H… O… P… E

      Hmm, must mean that Hopey Obama feller will lose next year! Huzzah! Crackers and water for all!

      • user-of-owls

        Crackers and water for all!

        Whoa there sonny, where do you think you are, Gomorrah?

    • gullywompr

      This is good news for John McCain.

  • bureaucrap

    Xtine O'Donnell influences how many other votes? 2? 3? Other than throw-away weeklies that have to fill up column-inches with SOMETHING, who even gives a c**p?

    • bureaucrap

      LA Times, BTW, definitely counts as "throw away that has to fill up column inches with something…"

  • user-of-owls

    You say endorsement, I say hex…potato, potahto.

  • Not_So_Much

    I'm sure Mr. Magic Underoos is fucking thrilled to be endorsed by Krazee Witch. Although, she might make a fun addition to his string of wives in the afterlife…

    • chicken_thief

      If fun addition = unkempt forest of brillo hair

  • SorosBot

    So who are Sharon Angle and Joe Miller going to endorse?

    • mavenmaven

      Joe the candidate?

    • paris biltong

      Euclid and Figaro, respectively.

    • horsedreamer_1

      All of them, Katie.

  • mavenmaven

    He clearly "charmed" her into this endorsement. Will she undergo an exorcism?

  • Barb

    Now Mitt can make those campaign TV ads, "I am not a rich, I 'm you."

    • Extemporanus

      It's a Christmas Miracle, Barb! For once, it appears that I may have actually beaten you to the punch.

      I can assure you that it won't happen again, for I shall now die a "rich" man.

      (Since IncenseDebate will fuck up the link, see replies to the first comment.)

      • Barb

        You remember something you said 343 days ago? I mutter to myself, "tag in the back" as I dress myself each morning.

        • Extemporanus

          That's why I prefer to comment in the glorious altogether — really helps air out the ol' synapses, and whatnot. A dynamically integrated Access database of everything that I've ever said catches anything else that might fall through the cracks.

          Bullshit aside, I actually do remember, pretty much word-for-word, every single dumb comment I've ever made here. I don't know why…because I'm a mentally unbalanced writer/artist, maybe?

          I tend not to use this "power" for evil, such as was the case with the "I said it first" douche move I just pulled on you. (Sorry!) However, in light of your status as our Wonkette's reigning "FIRST!!1" lady — and the fact that I'm regularly trumped by East Coasters, early risers, and quick wits capable of getting their RSS feed alerts to fucking work — I guess I just couldn't help myself.

          Typically, on this poop joke-strewn dog track, you're the fluffy stuffed bunny that zips by while the rest of us are busy chasin' tails, lickin' balls, and sniffin' asses. And yet, the race goes on.

          Woof woof, baby…

          • Barb

            You are so cute, thanks!
            There is a guy over at Huffington Post who comes here and lurks and will cut, copy, and paste my comments here and take them over there as his own. He left a reference to Jeffery, my husband, in one once. One of these days I'm going to bust him for it.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            That's hilarious! "I'm Ted Offalburger, and my husband Jeff is a wealthy Hospitality Industry Executive."

          • Extemporanus

            HA! Those purty little HuffPo merit badges don't come easy!

            I tried doing something similar a while back, only I copied BigGovernment comments and pasted them here.

            No one noticed.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Poopy Montgomery, is that you?

          • Extemporanus

            Poopy Montgomery, Crappy Bates, Shitty Carlisle…I'm whoever your little heart desires, scat man brother.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    "I'm not a witch. I just like to wear magic underwear and pray to American Jesus."

    — Mittens

    • Oblios_Cap

      "I'm You!"

  • Goonemeritus

    "Mitt Romney is going to dump his longtime wife and marry Christine"

    Fine but if Mitt suggests a nice car ride she needs to stipulate in the car not on the car.

    • user-of-owls

      And if the ride's in France, nowhere near the car at all.

  • Baconzgood

    I find this difficult to masterbate to.

    • Goonemeritus

      The trick is to turn down the sound and tape a picture of Emma Peel dressed as the Queen of Sin over the screen.

      • Baconzgood

        That would work.

  • Beetagger

    She must really go for the Dockers® look in a man.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      She has also endorsed Brooks Brothers Catalog Model Stew Beefcake for Vice President.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder who Alistair Crowley would endorse.

    • SayItWithWookies

      All of them, Katie.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Ozzy Osbourne, who, like our current president, was also born a subject of the British crown.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This is almost as important as the coveted Colin Powell endorsement.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    The really funny thing is that Mittens decided to email this important endorsement out to everybody.

    Mittens doesn't get how humans think…
    ~

  • ThundercatHo

    Mittens does kind of look like Darren.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Durwood? Darwin? Dum-dum?

    • SorosBot

      Which one?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Well, they were both Dicks…

    • YasserArraFeck

      Must be the spade-shaped chin

      • ThundercatHo

        That and the patronizing attitude. Endora should've smoked his ass.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    So I take it that Newt is pro Brazilian.

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      Baldist Libel!
      ~

    • GregComlish

      Newt hates Brazilians, but he loves deforestation.

    • chicken_thief

      Just how many is a brazillion?

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    …which begs the question, who will the Original Grifter Twat(TM) endorse?

    • freakishlywrong

      All of them, Chillwaver?

      • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

        I'd say none of them. That way she'll raise some speculation (i.e. "cash for Sarah Pac") about a possible last minute run.

        • jus_wonderin

          The most recent time I had a last minute run, I almost didn't make it. Oh, Sarah. Yeah, she will be all about the cash.

          • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

            Taco Bell or Chipotle?

        • Callyson

          I was going to speculate over the possibility of a third party ticket with Saint Sarah and The Donald, but that will never happen. Neither of them would settle for the VP spot.

    • GOPCrusher

      None of them.
      I think she fully expects to be see a brokered convention in which she will be begged to be the Republiklan nominee.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I can't imagine that she even knows what "brokered convention" means.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “He’s been consistent since he changed his mind.”

    If any of us had come up with that, we'd get 100 upfists.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      I know. Darn it.

  • spareme

    I always felt that Mittens is a closet Warlock. And/or the Sheriff of Rottingham, too.

    • ThundercatHo

      Or maybe a closet man in tights?

      • spareme

        Certainly not Robin Hood – he doesn't speak with an English accent

      • Generation[redacted]

        Rick Perry plays that part, with Chris Christie as Little John (and Newt as Maid Marion's lady in waiting).

  • goondogger

    Is this Christopher Nolan's gritty reboot of Bewitched? I'm assuming they'll change Darrins between each sequel (each act?).

  • sbj1964

    Burn The Witch ! 2011 hell no; like it's 1611.Old school style !

  • Limeylizzie

    I agree with her , well, on this one thing anyway.
    http://news.yahoo.com/great-health-reasons-not-ba

    • SorosBot

      Boo!

    • Biff

      "a clean vagina will have a mild stench"

      That's not helping!

    • GregComlish

      Lizzie's a witch too! Burn her!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        No! First, we must see if she weighs as much as a duck!!

    • paris biltong

      Hobbits have hair "down there". What's so shameful about the term "pubic"?

    • jus_wonderin

      "It is not at all unusual to find pustules and other hair follicle inflammation papules on shaved genitals."

      Which is no problem for a partner as they have already taken the train to…anywhere.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Don't get me wrong… I'm not advocating deforestation, just the occasional pruning.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Lizzie, from your linked article:

      In fact, The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists say that a clean vagina will have a mild stench, which is a why they do not recommend douching.
      Related: In Haiti, Death Toll From Cholera Tops 900

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Couldn't they have said "eau" or "aroma" or "fragrance?" I mean, "stench"?

      • Limeylizzie

        Cunt-related cholera?

        • finallyhappy

          one of my former bosses worked on cholera prevention in the thrid world- it involved straining water through saris- she never talked about this!!

    • Steverino247

      Hey, once you get past the smell, you've got it licked!

      • Limeylizzie

        Win.

        • Steverino247

          You sure? I thought cunt-related cholera was, well, pretty fucking disgusting, but a great post nonetheless!

    • HarryButtle

      A british accent, sardonic wit, and a full bush…Mr Limeylizzie is indeed a lucky man.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      How can one "shag" without shag? What is more mouth-watering than a furburger?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Why is this woman on CNN, and not on some info-mercial pimping tarot cards or something?

    • goondogger

      How would you know the difference?

    • chicken_thief

      Because they needed to hear from a batshit crazy fringe bitch of the party and whats-her-name and the First Douche are holed up in the frozen north?

    • GOPCrusher

      She could talk in a Jamaican accent and call herself Miss Cleo.

  • freakishlywrong

    That interview this a.m. I actually caught it, furiously trying to get away from Morning Doh. CNN is is seriously teatarded, all I could think was; "who gives a fuck what this twunt has to say about anything"? And "there is no tea party, it's a bunch of costumed, wingnut, know-nothing Birchers, you fools". This is not a good way to start the day.

    • Biff

      Made-up people.

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      it's a bunch of costumed, wingnut, know-nothing Birchers, you fools ….

      Is Frank Miller tackling "The Fantastic Four" next?

  • fartknocker

    In other news The Princess of Wasilla has endorsed Summer Eve's as her douche of choice.

    • chicken_thief

      Over Tawd? That's a bit of a shocker.

    • MOG2410

      Both Romney and Summer's Ever are now in damage control!

  • paris biltong

    OK, but what about this whole business about Mitt speaking French and the ad supposedly produced by a supposedly "liberal" PAC, American LP, and the phony subtitles and his bad pronunciation and so on? Step aside Xtine, you're just a distraction. The Frogs are the real issue here. http://americanlp.org/2011/12/08/mitt-romney-fren

    • SorosBot

      Ah, today's GOP; where knowing another language is considered a detriment, as is knowledge in general.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Mitt Romney, Le Pouf-Célèbre!

  • Pragmatist2

    They would have such beautiful children, although they would likely be serial killers.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    “He’s been consistent since he changed his mind.”

    Very powerful reasoning–right up there with "He has told the truth since he lied."

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And "Newt's been married to the same woman, ever since his last divorce."

    • Oblios_Cap

      "He hasn't abused any dogs since the infamous station wagon ride."

    • SayItWithWookies

      He kept America safe since 9/11.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        And that whole "Anthrax" thing.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Scott Ian Libel!

          • GunToting[Redacted]

            NOT!!!

    • Callyson

      "Other than that, the play was very nice," Mrs Lincoln replied.

    • chicken_thief

      There's thousands of women that I didn't harass.

    • Negropolis

      "So, when did you stop beating your wife?"

  • Mahousu

    Gingrich could have had her endorsement if he had covered her jewelry bill, but noooo. C'mon Newt, we're only talking Zales, not Tiffany's.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      It could only be Jared!!

  • YasserArraFeck

    Maybe Mittens will give her a referral to his hair stylist….you know….for her hair….

  • jus_wonderin

    Is it just me, or does "northeast strategy" sound a bit durty???

  • memzilla

    You have to admit, it's a good counterintelligence play by Newt, having Xtine the Witch endorse Mitt the Mormon. Kicked him right in the Tabernacles.

  • SpiderCrab

    Mitt locks up the untrimmed bush vote.

    • pdiddycornchips

      She told him she could lock up the pro-bush vote.

  • MrFizzy

    I hope Newt gets Blago's endorsement soon.

  • vtxmcrider

    Ever notice the witch's nose on Callista? She is going to make that amateur from Delaware regret forever that she ever dabbled in witchcraft.

  • memzilla

    Watch this video with the sound off, and substitute Bullwinkle J. Moose's famous line: "Eeny Beeny Chili Beany, the spirits are about to speak."

    • finallyhappy

      Eeny meeny chili beeny

  • WhatTheHeck

    Ye gads! By what manner did she divine this endorsement?
    She must have looked into the boiling, republican cauldron and grabbed for anything ‘floating’ near the surface.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm pretty sure Newt's a floater as well … that's why we haven't succeeded in flushing him.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    It's a match made in syncretist heaven: your witch with a cat with nine lives to go with the serial-marryin' Mormon's nine wives. ( I assume with only one wife, Mitt's just "gettin' started.")

  • Poindexter718

    I'm not a warlock, I'm you, America … a Moroni worshipping, strange undergarment wearing, multimillionaire, political shapeshifter …

  • SayItWithWookies

    So I guess Delaware's electoral votes would be in play if Mitt wins the nomination. Or they would be, if the vice president wasn't from there. And the teabaggers weren't over as a political force. And if there were enough Christian ex-witch revirgins who voted. And if anybody cared what Christine O'Donnell had to say.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Christian ex-witch revirgins who voted

      I'm so naming my Christian Goth band this

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Silly Christine! Mormons don't strap their dogs to brooms! They ride station wagons!

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    tries to “stop using witchcraft” (masturbating) — excellent!

    "The house began to pitch, the hand to twitch…"

  • thefrontpage

    Just curious: How many Wonkette readers have had "relations" with Christine O'Donnell, Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter and Michelle Bachman?! Share your stories!

    • chicken_thief

      Glenn Rice?! That you? Little late for that question now, isn't it?

  • BarackMyWorld

    My thoughts on Christine O'Donnell begin and end with "I'd do her."

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Somewhere in there, you have to have "with a ballgag"

      • Steverino247

        Not necessarily. I'll just assume that any male posting here has sufficient meat to gag Christine just fine, thank you.

        And don't forget, the worst thing about being an atheist is there's no one to talk to while getting a blow job.

        • YasserArraFeck

          And don't forget, the worst thing about being an atheist is there's no one to talk to while getting a blow job.

          Really? You've never heard of the deity "Fuck Yeah!"?

  • Slim_Pickins

    In comparison, that international figurine, Sarah Palin, can't even get time on IONTV these days. Christine must be doing something right.

    • chicken_thief

      It's not who you know, it's who you….

  • VinnyThePooh

    Mitch is an evolved hurdy-gurdy monkey Christine can believe in.

  • Steverino247

    She endorsed Mitt in exchange for a promise NOT to appoint her ambassador to Saudi Arabia should he win.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Does this mean Tom Cruise will wind up as Secretary of State?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    When I saw this, all I could think was that Christine had been hitting the Mac and Cheese to help her depression after losing.

  • LiveToServeYa

    This is obviously a cunning ploy by the Lush Pubic Hexer to extort money from Romney to switch her endorsement to Newt.

  • Nostrildamus

    This is Romney’s “northeast strategy,” we think.

    I think of masturbation as a more of a South-Central strategy.

  • Ruhe

    Apparently it's not evil if you use a mitt.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Nice.

  • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

    They're also lazy, chain-smoking nuclear monsters: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZMwKPmsbWE

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    What witch worth his or her eye of Newt could be so bad at divination as to think anyone would care about his or her endorsement?

  • HarryButtle

    Mitt Romney is going to dump his longtime wife and marry Christine (“to be more like Newt”) and then be the goofy dullard businessman while unemployable housewife O’Donnell comically tries to “stop using witchcraft” (masturbating) while he’s at work.

    And then Mitt's boss Larry Tate shows up for dinner and the hilarity ensues.

  • Loaded_Pants

    Oh Chrissy, why don't you just do that voodoo that you do so well (or not).

  • ttommyunger

    Can we jus chip in and buy her a vacation in Saudi Arabia? I understand they have a special place for Witches there.

  • user-of-owls

    Since most spells only call for the eyes, the old aphorism applies:

    In the kingdom of blind newts, the one-eyed Gingrich is still a dick.

  • Beetagger

    Only his eye.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Witch… Newt… Spell… there's a Holy Grail reference in there somewhere.

  • LiveToServeYa

    Well, Newt's for sure not going to get better.