And then Congress was crushed by a boozy Smas tree just laid off from its job.

How do you trick 61 U.S. Senators into hanging out for a few hours without an eruption of bloodshed? You promise them a mystery holiday treat! It works on children, so why not? A very mischievous Al Franken snuck in a new “Secret Santa clause” to the Senate’s bazillion page protocol in an effort to bring a late-breaking smidgen of friendly behavior to the fancier chamber of Congress before the end of Government for the year/forever, hooray! (Do not worry, though, Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell are still in the process of Ruining Everything with an acrimonious¬†new deadlock over the payroll tax cut extension today.) So who got what (besides America, who gets nothing)??? Remember, kids, there’s a ten-dollar limit!

The names of the givers were supposed to be CLASSIFIED, but luckily for all of us the reporters over at the WaPo style section have sussed out the dirty details instead of the standard “hard newz” approach of just quoting the press release:

  • Joe Manchin gave Chuck Schumer two pieces of coal as a symbol for America’s hatred for Congress. Schumer loved this and pestered everyone at the party until they had a look at his new lumps of coal. Yes yes, everyone gets it, Chuck Schumer.
  • Schumer “laid a bottle” of buffalo wing sauce, according to the style report, and then handed it to Mike Johanns of Nebraska, who was so touched by this sexytime gift that he¬†said, “I don’t know if I will even ever open this. I may just display it.” Ew!
  • Mary Landrieu got an empty box of popcorn from cheapskate Kent Conrad, who stole it from Dick Durbin. “I think we all have to tighten our belts,” said Conrad, which means stealing.
  • John Kerry, he is a rich person. He gave Marco Rubio a signed Red Sox jersey. Show off!

And of course our two favorite old bitters, Ancient Harry Potter and Ancient Gay Sea Turtle, were too busy with their stooge slapfights to bother:

Neither Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid nor Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had joined in the merriment.


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  • HarryButtle

    Can we please make Al Franken the President, already?

    • Generation[redacted]

      He's good enough, he's smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like him.

    • Millennial Malaise

      Franken/Warren 2016!

      • Ruhe

        That idea is so good that now that you've made it public the two of them are probably on some "to be removed" list somewhere. Run, Al, run! No, really, run for your life!

      • LiveToServeYa

        Nah, Franken/Frank 2016! It would be the frankest administration evah. And Tv's Frank for Secretary of Whatevah.

        • flamingpdog

          Campaign slogan? "We'll be Frank with the American People".

          • LiveToServeYa


    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I'm still hoping that lizard people will be the next president from Minnesota.

  • nounverb911

    Did Joe Lieberman give Miss Lindsey an engagement ring?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Mary Landrieu got an empty box of popcorn from cheapskate Kent Conrad, who stole it from Dick Durbin. “I think we all have to tighten our belts,” said Conrad, which means stealing.

    Not even Xmas can make an asshole not be an asshole. Someone needs a visit from Jacob Marley and the three spirits tonight.

    • comrad_darkness

      I think they need a visit from the Krampus

      Oh, except they'd probably enjoy the licking.

      • Callyson

        Giving the old saying "takes a licking and keeps on ticking" a whole new meaning…

    • pdiddycornchips

      “I think we all have to tighten our belts"

      Is Conrad going to auto asphyxiate himself as a gift to the nation?

  • So Stuart Smalley is trying to improve the atmosphere on Capitol Hill because, gosh-darn it, they deserve it!

    • MzNicky

      They don't deserve it, but heck, Al's just that kinda guy.

  • edgydrifter

    After Newt is elected, Senators will be allowed to give each other framed portraits His Excellency. Representatives will be required to do so by law.

  • sbj1964

    The Congress have all been Bad little boys,and girls this year.And Americlaus is not Happy.

    • MzNicky

      A bag of switches for them all! And here, let me put on my dominatrix boots.

      • Slowly, baby….mmmmmm…you know how I like it….

    • WunkRocker

      Needs something more Finnish in origin…

      • sbj1964

        What like spank me,spank me,make me write bad checks?

  • Schumer loved this and pestered everyone at the party until they had a look at his new lumps of coal.

    You sure those weren't his shriveled Balls In A Box?

  • nounverb911

    "John Kerry, he is a rich person. He gave Marco Rubio a signed Red Sox jersey. Show off!"
    Rubio can add it to his "Epic Fail" collection.

    • fuflans

      why is this epic fail?

      i am not snarking – haven't heard much about rubio.

      • Is it because the Sox = Epic Fail?

        (Yankees fan always trying to help out.)

  • Goonemeritus

    Mary Landrieu should check the bottom of that popcorn box before reaching into it.

    • Biff

      Movie date surprise!

    • Limeylizzie


    • jodyleek

      Pee Wee Herman libel!!!

  • freakishlywrong

    To McConnell a Caganer, or, basically what he does to the citizens of the this country hourly.

    Get the fuck to work doing the people's business.

  • Geminisunmars

    I'd give all of the Repubs and a few of the Demos a good ole fashioned tasering.

  • DaRooster

    Someone should get McConnell a turtleneck… oh wait…

    • BaldarTFlagass


    • Geminisunmars

      Wouldn't it be deliciously funny if someone actually did?

  • Ancient Gay Sea Turtle

    That's our Mitch.

    This might be better…it's more ancient (and gay, perhaps).

    • DaRooster

      God that guy is one hell of a sad sack douche bag… Just fucking hideous.

  • BlueStateLibel

    All the fun and merriment of a gala holiday party one might expect from a gathering of Mordor Goblins and Uruk-hai.

  • fartknocker

    I think I'll give Joe Liberman a Mayflower moving van and a crew of 4 so he can pack his shit and move back to Conneticut. I can't stand that shit-filled existence of an adult diaper.

  • OzoneTom

    It's going to take a bigger bud than that to get them to all mellow out.

  • Barb

    They should all have gotten the Obama Chia Pet. Yes, there is one.

    • An_Outhouse

      hell, you beat me to it.

  • HarryButtle

    Much as I appreciate the Senate making nice with the presents, it's kinda infuriating to see the fuckers lightheartedly enjoying the holiday spirit by giving each other little gifts while they completely fuck over the rest of America.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Congress…congress? All they know about christmas is: “Its lovely weather for a slay ride together.”

  • lefty74

    Or a Palin pooping elf with optional ChiaPet gash attachment.

    • MrFizzy

      You know what would make a good gift? A Chia Callista Gingrich – can you imagine the allure of alfalfa sprouts growing out of that Jetson's hairdo?

  • ChernobylSoup

    Did anyone give McConnell a chin?

    • freakishlywrong

      Or a soul?

    • An_Outhouse

      A chin might bruise John Kyl's ball sack.

  • Baconzgood

    No one got rent boys from anyone? Senate X-mas FAIL!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      That's what the Republicans that didn't show up for this gave to each other.

      • jus_wonderin

        But, being cheapskates, they merely shared one.

        • GOPCrusher

          DO. NOT. WANT.

  • paris biltong

    I'm trying to think of something appropriate to give senators… a long vacation? A brain? A little humility?

    • HarryButtle

      A .45 caliber slug?

  • freakishlywrong

    Has Fux declared war on this yet?

    • flamingpdog

      Slightly OT, but none other than Tim Tebow had declared War on Christmas!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Senators… were ordered to keep to a strict $10 limit on the gifts."

    Despite what the article says, I have to guess that the Red Sox jersey given by Kerry was signed by Theo Epstein.

  • Huggies for Senator Vitter!

    A (Santa) beard for Senator Graham!

    A turtleneck made from puppy skin for Senator McConnell!

    A novelty Board Certification certificate for Senator Paul!

    • Tundra Grifter


      I heard on NPR this morning that when he was governor of Massachusetts, Mitt wanted to charge people $10 for an official state document certifying they were blind.

      I thought they could have saved even more money by just sending those folks a blank piece of paper.

      • I'm impressed. In Massachusetts, for cripe's sake.

        Rick Scott wants to have the intellectually disabled pay for their state services down here. But this is Florida.

        It's perfect targeting: those people would believe anything. "We are going to take your money now and give it to people who got real high school diplomas."

    • flamingpdog

      Q: Would I give Senator Vitter a present for Christmas?
      A: Depends.

  • MrFizzy

    I think he could make even more friends by giving out gift certificates for Christine O'Donnell hand jobs.

    • flamingpdog

      MItt Romney LIBEL!!!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, who were the 39 Scrooges that did not participate? I mean, I can understand Bernie Sanders not getting into it, but…

  • I’m thinking Al more than makes up for Michelle Bachmann.
    Merry Xmas from Minnesota!

    • GOPCrusher

      Between Al and Amy Klobachar, it really makes you wonder how Michele Bachmann got elected.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Awww…90 minutes of holiday cheer, sharing, and eggnog. Okay, now it's back to your regularly scheduled pointless partisan acrimony.

  • Does this mean the beginning of the end for the "War on Christmas"!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Nah, just a cease-fire.

  • An appropriate present for the fuckers.

    • Callyson

      The gift that keeps on giving.

      • flamingpdog

        But not until I get home from work. DANG!

  • mavenmaven

    But what will Al Franken get for Chanukah?

    • Geminisunmars


    • ChernobylSoup

      Reid's going to baptize Franken's dead grandparents.

  • MzNicky


    You know who else was Jewish?

    • mavenmaven

      No one. They were all postmortem retro-converted by Romney to Mormonism.

    • nounverb911

      Sandy Koufax?

    • ChernobylSoup

      Baby Jesus.

      • MzNicky

        That's who I had in mind. Actually, I guess that'd be half-Jewish on his mother's side, half-God on his father's.

        Plus: Jesus had two daddies! haw haw

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Mr Hanky the Christmas Poo?

    • flamingpdog

      Michelle Bachman?

      Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you asked who else was shrewish.

    • Negropolis

      Michigan Senator Carl Levin and his older brother Michigan Congressman Sandy Levin?

  • Biff


  • Dashboard Buddha

    Our legislature has gone so far to hell that they're having a Secret Satan party this year.

  • Negligently_Joe

    I love how Congressional Secret-Santa manages to be way more bitchy and passive-aggressive than I've ever succeeded in being during my office Secret Santas. It's clearly something to aspire to.

    And I think it's safe to assume that things like this don't help contribute to Congress's 8% approval rating, innit that right, Joe Manchin?

    • pdiddycornchips

      They have taxpayer funded lackey's so it's not a fair comparison. Our overlords haven't been to a mall since the Nixon administration.

  • Callyson

    Manchin, too, got three lumps of coal — labeled “clean coal,” “critical mineral” and “Does this look green to you?” Plus a pair of hiking socks and a six-pack of Snow Day beer, with a note that said, “Basically in my state, when things are cold, there are two ways to keep warm.” He figured out fast enough that the Colorado senator who came up with that grab bag was his workout buddy, Mark Udall.
    That's it, send the other gifts home. Everyone is now officially jealous of the Mountaineer Senator…

    • flamingpdog

      Actually, there's a third way to keep warm in his (my) state, but, personally (?squirrely?), I've had to settle for beer and socks for way too many years now!

    • "three lumps of coal — labeled 'clean coal,' 'critical mineral' and 'Does this look green to you?' ”

      Funny that, from wonkette's earlier payroll-cut-per-Boehner story, it included Dem. Rep. Markey's joke how GOP now stands for "Gas-and-Oil Party, or Gang Of Polluters". I'd like to think such barbs were issued in full hearing of the insulted and commenced with the eruption of an eggnog-enhanced food fight.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Pics or it didn't happen.

  • Steverino247

    Now everybody knows why Sen. Schumer is known as "Chucky the Schmucky" by his family. (I used to work with a relative of his who let me in on this…)

  • OOH! OOH! Secret wonkette Santa. I give Kirsten Boyd Johnson a jug of "Whiff of Scandal" perfume from Costco.

    And I'm hoping to get XBOX edition of "Modern Warfare 2012: GOP Primary Battle" because I am not disturbed by scenes of clown-on-clown violence. (hint, hint)

    • Tommmcattt

      I would like a pound of cocaine and a boat off the cost of Ibiza full of Filipino Underwear Models to snort it off, Santa. And some Viagra.


      Lil' Tommmcatt

  • An_Outhouse

    Nobody got McConnell an Obama Chia head?

  • Tommmcattt

    Sure, they pretend to hate hate other, but I have it on good authority that Harry got trashed on eggnog last night and sent McConnell photocopies of his naked ass by courier.

    So there's that.

  • ingloriousbytch

    I assume that was "clean" coal that Manchin was handing out.

  • OneYieldRegular

    All this congressional holiday cheer is fine and nice, but can't someone come up with a decent Photoshopped image of John Boehner as The Grinch?

  • barto

    It's all fun and games, LOLZ

    Memo to Congress: your country is going down the shitter.

  • flamingpdog

    Except that in Harry's case, his "naked ass" is probably a shaved donkey.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    What's this dimmyrat Jew doing meddling with the birth of our savior? Somebody should tell Al Franken that Jesus is the "reason for the season" and that it's called *CHRISTmas* for that reason!

    *except in Germany….and France….

    • user-of-owls

      *except in Germany….and France….

      Well it's still called that in New Zealand, damnit!

      What? It's…? Oh, Christchurch, I see. Never mind.

  • mereoblivion

    Jesus is the reason for the teasin'.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      That's awesome.

      • mereoblivion

        Would you believe we sent out our little nuggets at roughly the same time, each unbeknownsted to t'other?

    • jodyleek

      Can haz printed on thong panties, plz?

      • mereoblivion

        Long as I get the royalties, honey.

    • horsedreamer_1

      The Ol' Nazarene Tickler.

  • RadioYKWE

    The humor is infectious, like herpes or ebola. Lumps of coal, empty popcorn boxes, oh stop, you congress critters, fucking heehaw-larious, I think I just ruptured my diaphragm.

  • walterhwhite

    If he won't go, I'd settle for having his tongue removed. I can't stand to listen to that hideously annoying voice.

  • user-of-owls

    Christmas Tree determined to strike in Statuary Hall.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      That's funny. I thought it looked like they were getting ready to shove it up Congress's ass myself.

      • user-of-owls

        I'll fix it up there, then I'll bring it back here.

        • LiveToServeYa

          In the War On Christmas, things get ugly as Christmas Strikes Back.

    • flamingpdog

      I don't ever remember the Washington Monument leaning that much before (?earthquake). The least they could do is scrape off all the moss.

      • HistoriCat

        Is this another Planet of the Apes remake, substituting the Washington Monument for the iconic Charlton Heston Statue of Liberty moment? Ooh – maybe they're remaking Logan's Run! That would be cool!

  • user-of-owls

    John Kerry! Yer doin' it wrong!

    Rubio's fastball is losing velocity and hitters have figured out his changeup. Plus, word is he's toxic in the clubhouse and the Sox sure don't need that.

    • flamingpdog

      Somebody needs to club Rubio next to his wheelhouse.

  • Indiepalin

    May I be the first to present Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell with a bag of shit (but it's great shit)?

    • mereoblivion

      He wouldn't know what to do with *that* kinda shit. (Would he? I dunno, I'm no Kentuckian.)

  • Barrelhse

    Pass the dynamite because the fuse is lit.

  • stopthemovie

    That looks like a nice Christmas bud there loading up !

  • sbj1964

    Al Frankin looks like that creepy uncle;you know the one on your mothers side of the family .that everyone was afraid to let baby sit.

  • rickmaci

    I heard that before Conrad got that box from Durbin, it was in Larry Craig's office.

  • ttommyunger

    Wow! Reid, McConnell and "merriment" in the same sentence; did not see that coming.

  • Negropolis

    Someone needed to buy Rob Portman some personality.

    Obscure senator reference FTW.

    Speaking of Ohio, Sherrod Brown was gifted a pack of Marlboro to keep that sexy, husky voice. lol

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