THE JEWISH SENATOR WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS  11:50 am December 14, 2011

Al Franken Lures Filibuster-Proof Majority of Senators With Secret Gifts

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

And then Congress was crushed by a boozy Smas tree just laid off from its job.

How do you trick 61 U.S. Senators into hanging out for a few hours without an eruption of bloodshed? You promise them a mystery holiday treat! It works on children, so why not? A very mischievous Al Franken snuck in a new “Secret Santa clause” to the Senate’s bazillion page protocol in an effort to bring a late-breaking smidgen of friendly behavior to the fancier chamber of Congress before the end of Government for the year/forever, hooray! (Do not worry, though, Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell are still in the process of Ruining Everything with an acrimonious¬†new deadlock over the payroll tax cut extension today.) So who got what (besides America, who gets nothing)??? Remember, kids, there’s a ten-dollar limit!

The names of the givers were supposed to be CLASSIFIED, but luckily for all of us the reporters over at the WaPo style section have sussed out the dirty details instead of the standard “hard newz” approach of just quoting the press release:

  • Joe Manchin gave Chuck Schumer two pieces of coal as a symbol for America’s hatred for Congress. Schumer loved this and pestered everyone at the party until they had a look at his new lumps of coal. Yes yes, everyone gets it, Chuck Schumer.
  • Schumer “laid a bottle” of buffalo wing sauce, according to the style report, and then handed it to Mike Johanns of Nebraska, who was so touched by this sexytime gift that he¬†said, “I don’t know if I will even ever open this. I may just display it.” Ew!
  • Mary Landrieu got an empty box of popcorn from cheapskate Kent Conrad, who stole it from Dick Durbin. “I think we all have to tighten our belts,” said Conrad, which means stealing.
  • John Kerry, he is a rich person. He gave Marco Rubio a signed Red Sox jersey. Show off!

And of course our two favorite old bitters, Ancient Harry Potter and Ancient Gay Sea Turtle, were too busy with their stooge slapfights to bother:

Neither Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid nor Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had joined in the merriment.

Oh, forget those guys. COME ON, AL, YOU’VE GOT 61 SENATORS THERE, MAKE THEM CONFIRM A JUDGE OR SOMETHING. [WaPo]

 
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{ 136 comments }

HarryButtle December 14, 2011 at 11:53 am

Can we please make Al Franken the President, already?

Generation[redacted] December 14, 2011 at 11:58 am

He's good enough, he's smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like him.

Millennial Malaise December 14, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Franken/Warren 2016!

Ruhe December 14, 2011 at 12:56 pm

That idea is so good that now that you've made it public the two of them are probably on some "to be removed" list somewhere. Run, Al, run! No, really, run for your life!

LiveToServeYa December 14, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Nah, Franken/Frank 2016! It would be the frankest administration evah. And Tv's Frank for Secretary of Whatevah.

flamingpdog December 14, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Campaign slogan? "We'll be Frank with the American People".

LiveToServeYa December 14, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Exactly!

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 14, 2011 at 12:54 pm

I'm still hoping that lizard people will be the next president from Minnesota.

nounverb911 December 14, 2011 at 11:54 am

Did Joe Lieberman give Miss Lindsey an engagement ring?

Oblios_Cap December 14, 2011 at 11:56 am

Miss Lindsey gave McCain and Lieberman blowjobs.

HarryButtle December 14, 2011 at 11:59 am

That's not a very good Christmas present, he does that all the time anyway.

actor212 December 14, 2011 at 12:01 pm

This time he swallowed

freakishlywrong December 14, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Oooof. Careful, it's lunch time on the EC.

jus_wonderin December 14, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Though, I am sure he had to show it to them first.

Callyson December 14, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Some of us left coasters are having a late breakfast!
But. some things are worth it…

Designer_Rants December 15, 2011 at 9:46 am

She'll never snag a man if she keeps giving it away for free! (That's BJ Socialism).

Not_So_Much December 14, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Yes, but it's at the base of a festive butt-plug. No freebies in this economy — you gotta work for it.

Oblios_Cap December 14, 2011 at 11:55 am

Mary Landrieu got an empty box of popcorn from cheapskate Kent Conrad, who stole it from Dick Durbin. “I think we all have to tighten our belts,” said Conrad, which means stealing.

Not even Xmas can make an asshole not be an asshole. Someone needs a visit from Jacob Marley and the three spirits tonight.

comrad_darkness December 14, 2011 at 12:02 pm

I think they need a visit from the Krampus http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9p1JYvV178E

Oh, except they'd probably enjoy the licking.

Callyson December 14, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Giving the old saying "takes a licking and keeps on ticking" a whole new meaning…

pdiddycornchips December 14, 2011 at 1:05 pm

“I think we all have to tighten our belts"

Is Conrad going to auto asphyxiate himself as a gift to the nation?

actor212 December 14, 2011 at 11:56 am

So Stuart Smalley is trying to improve the atmosphere on Capitol Hill because, gosh-darn it, they deserve it!

MzNicky December 14, 2011 at 12:11 pm

They don't deserve it, but heck, Al's just that kinda guy.

actor212 December 14, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Goddamt librul….

edgydrifter December 14, 2011 at 11:56 am

After Newt is elected, Senators will be allowed to give each other framed portraits His Excellency. Representatives will be required to do so by law.

sbj1964 December 14, 2011 at 11:56 am

The Congress have all been Bad little boys,and girls this year.And Americlaus is not Happy.

MzNicky December 14, 2011 at 12:12 pm

A bag of switches for them all! And here, let me put on my dominatrix boots.

actor212 December 14, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Slowly, baby….mmmmmm…you know how I like it….

WunkRocker December 14, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Needs something more Finnish in origin… http://youtu.be/D46QhwFyzp0

sbj1964 December 14, 2011 at 4:04 pm

What like spank me,spank me,make me write bad checks?

actor212 December 14, 2011 at 11:56 am

Schumer loved this and pestered everyone at the party until they had a look at his new lumps of coal.

You sure those weren't his shriveled Balls In A Box?

nounverb911 December 14, 2011 at 11:58 am

"John Kerry, he is a rich person. He gave Marco Rubio a signed Red Sox jersey. Show off!"
Rubio can add it to his "Epic Fail" collection.

fuflans December 14, 2011 at 3:57 pm

why is this epic fail?

i am not snarking – haven't heard much about rubio.

DemmeFatale December 15, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Is it because the Sox = Epic Fail?

(Yankees fan always trying to help out.)

Goonemeritus December 14, 2011 at 11:59 am

Mary Landrieu should check the bottom of that popcorn box before reaching into it.

Biff December 14, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Movie date surprise!

Limeylizzie December 14, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Ewwwww.

jodyleek December 14, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Pee Wee Herman libel!!!

freakishlywrong December 14, 2011 at 11:59 am

To McConnell a Caganer, or, basically what he does to the citizens of the this country hourly.

Get the fuck to work doing the people's business.

Geminisunmars December 14, 2011 at 11:59 am

I'd give all of the Repubs and a few of the Demos a good ole fashioned tasering.

DaRooster December 14, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Someone should get McConnell a turtleneck… oh wait…

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Turtlehead?

Geminisunmars December 14, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Wouldn't it be deliciously funny if someone actually did?

ifthethunderdontgetya December 14, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Ancient Gay Sea Turtle

That's our Mitch.

This might be better…it's more ancient (and gay, perhaps).
~

DaRooster December 14, 2011 at 12:05 pm

God that guy is one hell of a sad sack douche bag… Just fucking hideous.

BlueStateLibel December 14, 2011 at 12:01 pm

All the fun and merriment of a gala holiday party one might expect from a gathering of Mordor Goblins and Uruk-hai.

fartknocker December 14, 2011 at 12:01 pm

I think I'll give Joe Liberman a Mayflower moving van and a crew of 4 so he can pack his shit and move back to Conneticut. I can't stand that shit-filled existence of an adult diaper.

OzoneTom December 14, 2011 at 12:01 pm

It's going to take a bigger bud than that to get them to all mellow out.

Barb December 14, 2011 at 12:02 pm

They should all have gotten the Obama Chia Pet. Yes, there is one.

An_Outhouse December 14, 2011 at 12:45 pm

hell, you beat me to it.

HarryButtle December 14, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Much as I appreciate the Senate making nice with the presents, it's kinda infuriating to see the fuckers lightheartedly enjoying the holiday spirit by giving each other little gifts while they completely fuck over the rest of America.

WhatTheHeck December 14, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Congress…congress? All they know about christmas is: “Its lovely weather for a slay ride together.”

lefty74 December 14, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Or a Palin pooping elf with optional ChiaPet gash attachment.

MrFizzy December 14, 2011 at 12:42 pm

You know what would make a good gift? A Chia Callista Gingrich – can you imagine the allure of alfalfa sprouts growing out of that Jetson's hairdo?

ChernobylSoup December 14, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Did anyone give McConnell a chin?

freakishlywrong December 14, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Or a soul?

An_Outhouse December 14, 2011 at 12:47 pm

A chin might bruise John Kyl's ball sack.

Baconzgood December 14, 2011 at 12:06 pm

No one got rent boys from anyone? Senate X-mas FAIL!

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 12:08 pm

That's what the Republicans that didn't show up for this gave to each other.

jus_wonderin December 14, 2011 at 12:24 pm

But, being cheapskates, they merely shared one.

GOPCrusher December 14, 2011 at 1:31 pm

DO. NOT. WANT.

paris biltong December 14, 2011 at 12:06 pm

I'm trying to think of something appropriate to give senators… a long vacation? A brain? A little humility?

HarryButtle December 14, 2011 at 12:09 pm

A .45 caliber slug?

freakishlywrong December 14, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Has Fux declared war on this yet?

flamingpdog December 14, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Slightly OT, but none other than Tim Tebow had declared War on Christmas!

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 12:07 pm

"Senators… were ordered to keep to a strict $10 limit on the gifts."

Despite what the article says, I have to guess that the Red Sox jersey given by Kerry was signed by Theo Epstein.

Spurning Beer December 14, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Huggies for Senator Vitter!

A (Santa) beard for Senator Graham!

A turtleneck made from puppy skin for Senator McConnell!

A novelty Board Certification certificate for Senator Paul!

Tundra Grifter December 14, 2011 at 12:30 pm

SB:

I heard on NPR this morning that when he was governor of Massachusetts, Mitt wanted to charge people $10 for an official state document certifying they were blind.

I thought they could have saved even more money by just sending those folks a blank piece of paper.

Spurning Beer December 14, 2011 at 12:47 pm

I'm impressed. In Massachusetts, for cripe's sake.

Rick Scott wants to have the intellectually disabled pay for their state services down here. But this is Florida.

It's perfect targeting: those people would believe anything. "We are going to take your money now and give it to people who got real high school diplomas."

flamingpdog December 14, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Q: Would I give Senator Vitter a present for Christmas?
A: Depends.

MrFizzy December 14, 2011 at 12:08 pm

I think he could make even more friends by giving out gift certificates for Christine O'Donnell hand jobs.

flamingpdog December 14, 2011 at 12:52 pm

MItt Romney LIBEL!!!

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 12:09 pm

So, who were the 39 Scrooges that did not participate? I mean, I can understand Bernie Sanders not getting into it, but…

Monsieur_Grumpe December 14, 2011 at 12:09 pm

I’m thinking Al more than makes up for Michelle Bachmann.
Merry Xmas from Minnesota!

GOPCrusher December 14, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Between Al and Amy Klobachar, it really makes you wonder how Michele Bachmann got elected.

SayItWithWookies December 14, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Awww…90 minutes of holiday cheer, sharing, and eggnog. Okay, now it's back to your regularly scheduled pointless partisan acrimony.

Chillwaver December 14, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Does this mean the beginning of the end for the "War on Christmas"!

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Nah, just a cease-fire.

donner_froh December 14, 2011 at 12:15 pm

An appropriate present for the fuckers.

Callyson December 14, 2011 at 12:27 pm

The gift that keeps on giving.

flamingpdog December 14, 2011 at 12:53 pm

But not until I get home from work. DANG!

mavenmaven December 14, 2011 at 12:16 pm

But what will Al Franken get for Chanukah?

Geminisunmars December 14, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Bupkis.

ChernobylSoup December 14, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Reid's going to baptize Franken's dead grandparents.

MzNicky December 14, 2011 at 12:17 pm

"THE JEWISH SENATOR WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS"

You know who else was Jewish?

mavenmaven December 14, 2011 at 12:21 pm

No one. They were all postmortem retro-converted by Romney to Mormonism.

nounverb911 December 14, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Sandy Koufax?

ChernobylSoup December 14, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Baby Jesus.

MzNicky December 14, 2011 at 1:11 pm

That's who I had in mind. Actually, I guess that'd be half-Jewish on his mother's side, half-God on his father's.

Plus: Jesus had two daddies! haw haw

BaldarTFlagass December 14, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Mr Hanky the Christmas Poo?

flamingpdog December 14, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Michelle Bachman?

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you asked who else was shrewish.

Negropolis December 15, 2011 at 1:19 am

Michigan Senator Carl Levin and his older brother Michigan Congressman Sandy Levin?

Biff December 14, 2011 at 12:25 pm

AL FRANKEN IS A JOO, PEOPLE!

Dashboard Buddha December 14, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Our legislature has gone so far to hell that they're having a Secret Satan party this year.

Negligently_Joe December 14, 2011 at 12:29 pm

I love how Congressional Secret-Santa manages to be way more bitchy and passive-aggressive than I've ever succeeded in being during my office Secret Santas. It's clearly something to aspire to.

And I think it's safe to assume that things like this don't help contribute to Congress's 8% approval rating, innit that right, Joe Manchin?

pdiddycornchips December 14, 2011 at 1:11 pm

They have taxpayer funded lackey's so it's not a fair comparison. Our overlords haven't been to a mall since the Nixon administration.

Callyson December 14, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Manchin, too, got three lumps of coal — labeled “clean coal,” “critical mineral” and “Does this look green to you?” Plus a pair of hiking socks and a six-pack of Snow Day beer, with a note that said, “Basically in my state, when things are cold, there are two ways to keep warm.” He figured out fast enough that the Colorado senator who came up with that grab bag was his workout buddy, Mark Udall.
That's it, send the other gifts home. Everyone is now officially jealous of the Mountaineer Senator…

flamingpdog December 14, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Actually, there's a third way to keep warm in his (my) state, but, personally (?squirrely?), I've had to settle for beer and socks for way too many years now!

Mumbletypeg December 14, 2011 at 1:27 pm

"three lumps of coal — labeled 'clean coal,' 'critical mineral' and 'Does this look green to you?' ”

Funny that, from wonkette's earlier payroll-cut-per-Boehner story, it included Dem. Rep. Markey's joke how GOP now stands for "Gas-and-Oil Party, or Gang Of Polluters". I'd like to think such barbs were issued in full hearing of the insulted and commenced with the eruption of an eggnog-enhanced food fight.

BarackMyWorld December 14, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Pics or it didn't happen.

Steverino247 December 14, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Now everybody knows why Sen. Schumer is known as "Chucky the Schmucky" by his family. (I used to work with a relative of his who let me in on this…)

JustPixelz December 14, 2011 at 12:43 pm

OOH! OOH! Secret wonkette Santa. I give Kirsten Boyd Johnson a jug of "Whiff of Scandal" perfume from Costco.

And I'm hoping to get XBOX edition of "Modern Warfare 2012: GOP Primary Battle" because I am not disturbed by scenes of clown-on-clown violence. (hint, hint)

Tommmcattt December 14, 2011 at 3:44 pm

I would like a pound of cocaine and a boat off the cost of Ibiza full of Filipino Underwear Models to snort it off, Santa. And some Viagra.

Love,

Lil' Tommmcatt

An_Outhouse December 14, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Nobody got McConnell an Obama Chia head?

Tommmcattt December 14, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Sure, they pretend to hate hate other, but I have it on good authority that Harry got trashed on eggnog last night and sent McConnell photocopies of his naked ass by courier.

So there's that.

ingloriousbytch December 14, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I assume that was "clean" coal that Manchin was handing out.

OneYieldRegular December 14, 2011 at 12:52 pm

All this congressional holiday cheer is fine and nice, but can't someone come up with a decent Photoshopped image of John Boehner as The Grinch?

barto December 14, 2011 at 12:53 pm

It's all fun and games, LOLZ

Memo to Congress: your country is going down the shitter.

flamingpdog December 14, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Except that in Harry's case, his "naked ass" is probably a shaved donkey.

SheriffRoscoe December 14, 2011 at 1:05 pm

What's this dimmyrat Jew doing meddling with the birth of our savior? Somebody should tell Al Franken that Jesus is the "reason for the season" and that it's called *CHRISTmas* for that reason!

*except in Germany….and France….

user-of-owls December 14, 2011 at 1:31 pm

*except in Germany….and France….

Well it's still called that in New Zealand, damnit!

What? It's…? Oh, Christchurch, I see. Never mind.

mereoblivion December 14, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Jesus is the reason for the teasin'.

SheriffRoscoe December 14, 2011 at 1:09 pm

That's awesome.

mereoblivion December 14, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Would you believe we sent out our little nuggets at roughly the same time, each unbeknownsted to t'other?

jodyleek December 14, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Can haz printed on thong panties, plz?

mereoblivion December 14, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Long as I get the royalties, honey.

horsedreamer_1 December 14, 2011 at 3:53 pm

The Ol' Nazarene Tickler.

RadioYKWE December 14, 2011 at 1:13 pm

The humor is infectious, like herpes or ebola. Lumps of coal, empty popcorn boxes, oh stop, you congress critters, fucking heehaw-larious, I think I just ruptured my diaphragm.

walterhwhite December 14, 2011 at 1:22 pm

If he won't go, I'd settle for having his tongue removed. I can't stand to listen to that hideously annoying voice.

user-of-owls December 14, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Christmas Tree determined to strike in Statuary Hall.

SheriffRoscoe December 14, 2011 at 1:38 pm

That's funny. I thought it looked like they were getting ready to shove it up Congress's ass myself.

user-of-owls December 14, 2011 at 2:11 pm

I'll fix it up there, then I'll bring it back here.

LiveToServeYa December 14, 2011 at 2:38 pm

In the War On Christmas, things get ugly as Christmas Strikes Back.

flamingpdog December 14, 2011 at 1:45 pm

I don't ever remember the Washington Monument leaning that much before (?earthquake). The least they could do is scrape off all the moss.

HistoriCat December 14, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Is this another Planet of the Apes remake, substituting the Washington Monument for the iconic Charlton Heston Statue of Liberty moment? Ooh – maybe they're remaking Logan's Run! That would be cool!

user-of-owls December 14, 2011 at 1:35 pm

John Kerry! Yer doin' it wrong!

Rubio's fastball is losing velocity and hitters have figured out his changeup. Plus, word is he's toxic in the clubhouse and the Sox sure don't need that.

flamingpdog December 14, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Somebody needs to club Rubio next to his wheelhouse.

Indiepalin December 14, 2011 at 1:45 pm

May I be the first to present Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell with a bag of shit (but it's great shit)?

mereoblivion December 14, 2011 at 2:54 pm

He wouldn't know what to do with *that* kinda shit. (Would he? I dunno, I'm no Kentuckian.)

Barrelhse December 14, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Pass the dynamite because the fuse is lit.

stopthemovie December 14, 2011 at 5:45 pm

That looks like a nice Christmas bud there loading up !

sbj1964 December 14, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Al Frankin looks like that creepy uncle;you know the one on your mothers side of the family .that everyone was afraid to let baby sit.

rickmaci December 14, 2011 at 7:04 pm

I heard that before Conrad got that box from Durbin, it was in Larry Craig's office.

ttommyunger December 14, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Wow! Reid, McConnell and "merriment" in the same sentence; did not see that coming.

Negropolis December 15, 2011 at 1:32 am

Someone needed to buy Rob Portman some personality.

Obscure senator reference FTW.

Speaking of Ohio, Sherrod Brown was gifted a pack of Marlboro to keep that sexy, husky voice. lol

actor212 December 14, 2011 at 12:15 pm

I wrote that with a handful of nuts

wait….

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