the jewish senator who saved christmas

Al Franken Lures Filibuster-Proof Majority of Senators With Secret Gifts

And then Congress was crushed by a boozy Smas tree just laid off from its job.

How do you trick 61 U.S. Senators into hanging out for a few hours without an eruption of bloodshed? You promise them a mystery holiday treat! It works on children, so why not? A very mischievous Al Franken snuck in a new “Secret Santa clause” to the Senate’s bazillion page protocol in an effort to bring a late-breaking smidgen of friendly behavior to the fancier chamber of Congress before the end of Government for the year/forever, hooray! (Do not worry, though, Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell are still in the process of Ruining Everything with an acrimonious new deadlock over the payroll tax cut extension today.) So who got what (besides America, who gets nothing)??? Remember, kids, there’s a ten-dollar limit!

The names of the givers were supposed to be CLASSIFIED, but luckily for all of us the reporters over at the WaPo style section have sussed out the dirty details instead of the standard “hard newz” approach of just quoting the press release:

  • Joe Manchin gave Chuck Schumer two pieces of coal as a symbol for America’s hatred for Congress. Schumer loved this and pestered everyone at the party until they had a look at his new lumps of coal. Yes yes, everyone gets it, Chuck Schumer.
  • Schumer “laid a bottle” of buffalo wing sauce, according to the style report, and then handed it to Mike Johanns of Nebraska, who was so touched by this sexytime gift that he said, “I don’t know if I will even ever open this. I may just display it.” Ew!
  • Mary Landrieu got an empty box of popcorn from cheapskate Kent Conrad, who stole it from Dick Durbin. “I think we all have to tighten our belts,” said Conrad, which means stealing.
  • John Kerry, he is a rich person. He gave Marco Rubio a signed Red Sox jersey. Show off!

And of course our two favorite old bitters, Ancient Harry Potter and Ancient Gay Sea Turtle, were too busy with their stooge slapfights to bother:

Neither Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid nor Minority Leader Mitch McConnell had joined in the merriment.


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      1. Ruhe

        That idea is so good that now that you've made it public the two of them are probably on some "to be removed" list somewhere. Run, Al, run! No, really, run for your life!

      2. LiveToServeYa

        Nah, Franken/Frank 2016! It would be the frankest administration evah. And Tv's Frank for Secretary of Whatevah.

    1. Not_So_Much

      Yes, but it's at the base of a festive butt-plug. No freebies in this economy — you gotta work for it.

  1. Oblios_Cap

    Mary Landrieu got an empty box of popcorn from cheapskate Kent Conrad, who stole it from Dick Durbin. “I think we all have to tighten our belts,” said Conrad, which means stealing.

    Not even Xmas can make an asshole not be an asshole. Someone needs a visit from Jacob Marley and the three spirits tonight.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      “I think we all have to tighten our belts"

      Is Conrad going to auto asphyxiate himself as a gift to the nation?

  2. edgydrifter

    After Newt is elected, Senators will be allowed to give each other framed portraits His Excellency. Representatives will be required to do so by law.

  3. actor212

    Schumer loved this and pestered everyone at the party until they had a look at his new lumps of coal.

    You sure those weren't his shriveled Balls In A Box?

  4. nounverb911

    "John Kerry, he is a rich person. He gave Marco Rubio a signed Red Sox jersey. Show off!"
    Rubio can add it to his "Epic Fail" collection.

  5. freakishlywrong

    To McConnell a Caganer, or, basically what he does to the citizens of the this country hourly.

    Get the fuck to work doing the people's business.

  6. BlueStateLibel

    All the fun and merriment of a gala holiday party one might expect from a gathering of Mordor Goblins and Uruk-hai.

  7. fartknocker

    I think I'll give Joe Liberman a Mayflower moving van and a crew of 4 so he can pack his shit and move back to Conneticut. I can't stand that shit-filled existence of an adult diaper.

  8. HarryButtle

    Much as I appreciate the Senate making nice with the presents, it's kinda infuriating to see the fuckers lightheartedly enjoying the holiday spirit by giving each other little gifts while they completely fuck over the rest of America.

  9. WhatTheHeck

    Congress…congress? All they know about christmas is: “Its lovely weather for a slay ride together.”

    1. MrFizzy

      You know what would make a good gift? A Chia Callista Gingrich – can you imagine the allure of alfalfa sprouts growing out of that Jetson's hairdo?

  10. paris biltong

    I'm trying to think of something appropriate to give senators… a long vacation? A brain? A little humility?

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    "Senators… were ordered to keep to a strict $10 limit on the gifts."

    Despite what the article says, I have to guess that the Red Sox jersey given by Kerry was signed by Theo Epstein.

  12. Spurning Beer

    Huggies for Senator Vitter!

    A (Santa) beard for Senator Graham!

    A turtleneck made from puppy skin for Senator McConnell!

    A novelty Board Certification certificate for Senator Paul!

    1. Tundra Grifter


      I heard on NPR this morning that when he was governor of Massachusetts, Mitt wanted to charge people $10 for an official state document certifying they were blind.

      I thought they could have saved even more money by just sending those folks a blank piece of paper.

      1. Spurning Beer

        I'm impressed. In Massachusetts, for cripe's sake.

        Rick Scott wants to have the intellectually disabled pay for their state services down here. But this is Florida.

        It's perfect targeting: those people would believe anything. "We are going to take your money now and give it to people who got real high school diplomas."

  13. MrFizzy

    I think he could make even more friends by giving out gift certificates for Christine O'Donnell hand jobs.

  14. BaldarTFlagass

    So, who were the 39 Scrooges that did not participate? I mean, I can understand Bernie Sanders not getting into it, but…

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Awww…90 minutes of holiday cheer, sharing, and eggnog. Okay, now it's back to your regularly scheduled pointless partisan acrimony.

      1. MzNicky

        That's who I had in mind. Actually, I guess that'd be half-Jewish on his mother's side, half-God on his father's.

        Plus: Jesus had two daddies! haw haw

  16. Negligently_Joe

    I love how Congressional Secret-Santa manages to be way more bitchy and passive-aggressive than I've ever succeeded in being during my office Secret Santas. It's clearly something to aspire to.

    And I think it's safe to assume that things like this don't help contribute to Congress's 8% approval rating, innit that right, Joe Manchin?

    1. pdiddycornchips

      They have taxpayer funded lackey's so it's not a fair comparison. Our overlords haven't been to a mall since the Nixon administration.

  17. Callyson

    Manchin, too, got three lumps of coal — labeled “clean coal,” “critical mineral” and “Does this look green to you?” Plus a pair of hiking socks and a six-pack of Snow Day beer, with a note that said, “Basically in my state, when things are cold, there are two ways to keep warm.” He figured out fast enough that the Colorado senator who came up with that grab bag was his workout buddy, Mark Udall.
    That's it, send the other gifts home. Everyone is now officially jealous of the Mountaineer Senator…

    1. flamingpdog

      Actually, there's a third way to keep warm in his (my) state, but, personally (?squirrely?), I've had to settle for beer and socks for way too many years now!

    2. Mumbletypeg

      "three lumps of coal — labeled 'clean coal,' 'critical mineral' and 'Does this look green to you?' ”

      Funny that, from wonkette's earlier payroll-cut-per-Boehner story, it included Dem. Rep. Markey's joke how GOP now stands for "Gas-and-Oil Party, or Gang Of Polluters". I'd like to think such barbs were issued in full hearing of the insulted and commenced with the eruption of an eggnog-enhanced food fight.

  18. Steverino247

    Now everybody knows why Sen. Schumer is known as "Chucky the Schmucky" by his family. (I used to work with a relative of his who let me in on this…)

  19. JustPixelz

    OOH! OOH! Secret wonkette Santa. I give Kirsten Boyd Johnson a jug of "Whiff of Scandal" perfume from Costco.

    And I'm hoping to get XBOX edition of "Modern Warfare 2012: GOP Primary Battle" because I am not disturbed by scenes of clown-on-clown violence. (hint, hint)

    1. Tommmcattt

      I would like a pound of cocaine and a boat off the cost of Ibiza full of Filipino Underwear Models to snort it off, Santa. And some Viagra.


      Lil' Tommmcatt

  20. Tommmcattt

    Sure, they pretend to hate hate other, but I have it on good authority that Harry got trashed on eggnog last night and sent McConnell photocopies of his naked ass by courier.

    So there's that.

  21. OneYieldRegular

    All this congressional holiday cheer is fine and nice, but can't someone come up with a decent Photoshopped image of John Boehner as The Grinch?

  22. SheriffRoscoe

    What's this dimmyrat Jew doing meddling with the birth of our savior? Somebody should tell Al Franken that Jesus is the "reason for the season" and that it's called *CHRISTmas* for that reason!

    *except in Germany….and France….

    1. user-of-owls

      *except in Germany….and France….

      Well it's still called that in New Zealand, damnit!

      What? It's…? Oh, Christchurch, I see. Never mind.

      1. mereoblivion

        Would you believe we sent out our little nuggets at roughly the same time, each unbeknownsted to t'other?

  23. RadioYKWE

    The humor is infectious, like herpes or ebola. Lumps of coal, empty popcorn boxes, oh stop, you congress critters, fucking heehaw-larious, I think I just ruptured my diaphragm.

  24. walterhwhite

    If he won't go, I'd settle for having his tongue removed. I can't stand to listen to that hideously annoying voice.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      That's funny. I thought it looked like they were getting ready to shove it up Congress's ass myself.

    2. flamingpdog

      I don't ever remember the Washington Monument leaning that much before (?earthquake). The least they could do is scrape off all the moss.

      1. HistoriCat

        Is this another Planet of the Apes remake, substituting the Washington Monument for the iconic Charlton Heston Statue of Liberty moment? Ooh – maybe they're remaking Logan's Run! That would be cool!

  25. user-of-owls

    John Kerry! Yer doin' it wrong!

    Rubio's fastball is losing velocity and hitters have figured out his changeup. Plus, word is he's toxic in the clubhouse and the Sox sure don't need that.

  26. Indiepalin

    May I be the first to present Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell with a bag of shit (but it's great shit)?

  27. sbj1964

    Al Frankin looks like that creepy uncle;you know the one on your mothers side of the family .that everyone was afraid to let baby sit.

  28. Negropolis

    Someone needed to buy Rob Portman some personality.

    Obscure senator reference FTW.

    Speaking of Ohio, Sherrod Brown was gifted a pack of Marlboro to keep that sexy, husky voice. lol

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