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All Newtron stars must die one day too, you know.

New poll proves it: the unwashed schizophrenic GOP primary voter hordes in Iowa are growing bored of saggy fat suit Newt Gingrich. Oh sure, DETAILS, Newt Gingrich still has the upper hand in the state’s angry clown knife fight FOR NOW, but his new numbers (22%) are down from previous weeks, i.e. looking as winded as Newt after a few flights of stairs. He is leading the race by a mere point over r<3LOVEution (oops, we have already forgotten the Paultard spelling for this thing?) sex god Ron Paul... which means according to standard-for-this-election-cycle prediction models, Ron Paul will be next week's President of Iowa Polls, at last?

No one is yet willing to conclude anything as “weird” as a Ron Paul win at the Iowa caucuses owing to his massive organization in the state, but… oh well, hooray for the daft conglomerate of indecisive Republican idiots turning against famewhore megalomaniac Newt Gingrich, from Public Policy Polling:

Gingrich has dropped 5 points in the last week and he’s also seen a significant decline in his favorability numbers. Last week he was at +31 (62/31) and he’s now dropped 19 points to +12 (52/40). The attacks on him appear to be taking a heavy toll- his support with Tea Party voters has declined from 35% to 24%.

Aaaaand another University of Iowa poll piles on:

The Iowa poll suggests that Gingrich’s lead in that state could be fading.

It was conducted over a weeklong period in which another conservative candidate, Herman Cain, suspended his campaign amid allegations that he had a 13-year extramarital affair.

In the early part of the polling period before Cain dropped out on December 3, Gingrich was receiving 37.7 percent support. After Cain’s exit toward the end of the polling period, Gingrich’s support was down to 24.4 percent.

It is apparently as difficult to get even a third of the Republican electorate in Iowa to agree on a candidate for more than two consecutive weeks as it is for Kathryn Jean Lopez to find a boyfriend. Good job, GOP! [PPP/ Reuters]

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  • RadioYKWE

    The attacks on him appear to be taking a heavy toll
    Would those be the same "attacks" that thoroughly discredited this schmuck back in the 90's?

  • Pragmatist2

    This poll is no good. They didn't poll in the insane asylums.

    • flamingpdog

      There are no Republicans in insane asylums. Reagan released them in the 80s to save the party from extinction. How else do you explain today's Republican Party?

      • At last! Someone has explained the Tea Party in fewer than 25 words. Brilliant.

      • Negropolis

        By God, I think you've got it!

      • Nothingisamiss

        Shit! You've hit upon a truth right in front of my eyes!

    • I thought IOWA GOP stood for Insane Obama-hating Wingnut Asshats Getting Over Palin.

    • GOPCrusher

      4 out 5 inmates polled said they liked cake for desert.

  • guangho

    All this excitement makes me forget how irrelevant (yet futuristic) the Iowa straw poll, featuring people who pay to vote, really is.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    The Santorum is coming.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Actually, the Santorum is after the coming.

      • finallyhappy

        I tried to keep giving you thumbs up but the system won't let me and yet, you deserve many, many thumbs up!

        • RadioYKWE

          Keep Santorum Santorum.

      • thebeatgoeson

        That's the first thing that popped in to my head as well. Deranged minds think alike?!

    • HistoriCat

      Get the wet wipes ready …

      • lefty74

        Fucking smegma jizz lipped something about Mary jackoff bad hair piece of fucking shit. Lego land dickless can't piss standing up fucking dripping asshole.
        Biggest turd still afloat. Thank you Joseph A. Bush.
        Even his own seester won't vote for him. Lindsay will however give him head because he is now more mature.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Love the opening paragraph from Newt-Again's Wake.

        • snackypants

          How do you really feel?

      • chicken_thief

        Or a Marcus tongue.

    • fuflans

      snorted eggnog and i'm not really kidding.

    • Schmegeg

      Cleanup in aisle three

  • spends2much

    2012 may be the first year that None Of The Above is elected President of the United States. Couldn't be worse than Newt…

    • Guppy

      And when it devolves to a House vote, everyone will wish they paid more attention to who they voted for there.

    • flamingpdog

      Watch what you wish for – the way peoplez spell today, we could end up with Sister Mary Margaret of the Skyscrapers as Prezdint.

    • Negropolis

      Wouldn't that be awesome if you could vote for None of the Above, and that if it won a majority or plurality the office would be vacant for four years?

      • dadanarchist

        It would – except then we would be ruled by Congress (shudder)…..

        • Negropolis

          Oh, I meant keep the current structure in place. So, they could play in the sandbox all day long (i.e. pass legislation), but without a president, nothing would ever become law for that four years. Essentially, the states would would fill the void for that term. lol

          • horsedreamer_1

            No, no. No, no. Boehner would just lead a drive to institute a parliamentary system, throwing out the Executive entirely. Or, at least, subsuming it into the Legislature, with a figurehead Prexy, eventually, for state funerals & official appearances (UN General Assembly & such, a la Ahmadinnerjacket "representing" Iran).

            Of course, I am do with this, as in a parliamentary system, which party controls the House, —

            OH YEAH! PARTY IN THE HOUSE!

          • MzNicky

            "Essentially, the states would would fill the void for that term."

            OH MY GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Have mercy, I live in Tennessee for crissakes!!

          • Negropolis

            Yep, there would definitely be some collateral damage; we'd definitely lose some of you. lol

          • chicken_thief

            "Essentially, the states would would fill the void for that term."

            Rick Perry choppeded down an oak tree on Niggerhead with his diamond cutter boner when he read that.

  • It must be kind of depressing to be a Republican at this time.
    I have no sympathy.

    • user-of-owls

      Yet they appear convinced that their "energy" will be enough to carry them across the goal line in November 2012. This despite the fact that not a single one of the oily, mean super-dolts that are running can keep that battery going for more than a month.

      It's really rather sad.
      If by 'sad' you mean, 'making me so giddy I have a girl boner.'

      • Biff

        Also, energy=hate.
        And I had no idea our avian friend had lady parts.

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        I have no idea what a 'girl boner' is and yet I LOL'd, repeatedly (does that mean I'm gay?)

        • MzNicky

          I know what she means. And yes, that does mean you're gay.

    • Sparky_McGruff

      It would be depressing, if they had some sense of shame and/or self-awareness. However, if they had either of those, they probably would never vote Republican.

    • flamingpdog

      It's been more than kind of depressing not to be a Republican for the last 31 years. It's their turn. Besides, I'm an optomistic kind of squirrel – we may only have 5 more years to go before we finally have a Democrat back in the White House.

    • Nostrildamus

      David Frum has been making the circuit talking about how crazy the GOP nominating process has become. You can almost sympathize with him but then he goes on to talk about how horrible affordable healthcare and financial regulation are and how weak and inept Obama is. Fucker would love nothing better than sucking W's codpiece flight-suit while he bombs some more Arab kids. Reminds you that, deep down below the superficial insanity, Repubs are heartless, immoral shit holes.

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        that is SUCH a fucking awesome WIN! sums up the entire Repugnant *ideology* perfectly

    • Negropolis

      Please, these fuckers aren't sentient enough to be humbled or believe in reality or feel badly about anything besides falsely believing they are being persecuted.

      I'll save my tears for the liberals and progressives, who've been screaming out in the wilderness for decades.

    • Nothingisamiss

      The most enjoyable part is watching the at work mouth breathers have to explain to each other every week how THIS new republican favorite is a really, really, really good choice, best ever.

    • GOPCrusher

      The Republiklans that I work with were all Team Romney in 2008. This time around, they hardly even mention that the Caucuses are coming soon, they just stare off into space.
      And drink a lot. I think they know that their party spent the last three years shooting themselves in the foot.

  • memzilla

    Newt wants to win Iowa. So rather than school janitors, Newt will "clarify" his remarks by saying inner city kids should be farm labor. This will solve unemployment, illegal immigration, and education reform all at once.

    • HistoriCat

      What? Let those kind come out to the farms with their saggy pants and Snoopy Poopy Poop Dog music? Never!

      • They'll ask for the ones with the big clocks around their necks under the assumption they will show up on time.

        • RadioYKWE

          I love me the BPT. But, don't you be on BPT, motherfucker. (I can't find the Kid 'n Play House Party clip, dag it.)

    • littlebigdaddy

      The number of farm equipment accidents due to ill-fitting clothing boggles the mind.

    • Guppy

      More importantly, it exposes those kids to "Real America (TM)."

    • flamingpdog

      Bring back the Orphan Train!

      • schvitzatura

        Orphan Planes?

        • horsedreamer_1

          Get these m'f'in ragamuffins off my m'f'in plane!

      • horsedreamer_1

        Also, wasn't the return of the Orphanage one of the GOP's pet projects during the first Newtocracy?

    • Negropolis

      Newt 2012: Because sharecropping wasn't bad enough the first time.

  • Kidneys4Sale

    Headless chickens and the candidates who fuck them. Tonight at 11.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Keep fuckin' that chicken.

    • MzNicky

      Is that the theme for the next GOP debate?

  • sbj1964

    Most people have no idea how evil Newt really is. GOP the family ,and values party my @SS!

    • LetUsBray

      Sure, but every time that fat sack of pseudo-intellectual crap opens his Reese's Pieces Hole, they start to remember.

      And a new generation becomes acquainted with the loathsomeness of a hypocritical adulterer who once served his wife with divorce papers as she was in the hospital with cancer (I insist on pointing that out whenever the giant-mouthed phony is being discussed).

      • Bonghits4Jesus

        That was the 1st wife. He dumped the 2nd one after she was diagnosed with MS. Equal opportunity dumper.

        • LetUsBray

          That I did not know. So if he's now promising to knock off the cheating and the wife dumping, he must be reasonably confident in #3's health.

          And I guess androids don't get sick, now that I think of it.

    • Judith_Priest

      But … but … he's *changed*!

      He's Catholic now, and just this week he "pledged" to some Extremist Repub Coven that he wasn't going to cheat on any more wives!

    • Candace Gingrich-Jones was on Lawrence O'Donnell's program tonight eloquently and calmly refudiating her brother.

    • MzNicky

      I think most people DO know. The only reason this fat-headed sack o' shit is running is because he's a monstrous ego-bag and he has nothing else to do.

  • Barb

    Newt blows goats.
    OT-I can't believe what my Muslim neighbor did tonight. Jeff ordered some crazy expensive 9 year-old cheddar and it was delivered to my neighbor who lives on another street. He bundled up his wife and his baby and walked it to my house in the cold rain at night. This is what Christmas is all about. What a friend we have in Cheeses! I am proud to have such great neighbors.

    • memzilla

      Those Muslins. They're not all Muensters.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Thank you for not being Parmesan about it.

        • Barb

          LOL! That was a good one, thanks!
          I broke up the crackers to give to the birds today and Jeff got me 9 year-old cheddar. How fucking "gift of the Magi" is that shit?

          • finallyhappy

            Getting gifts today? wait, I'm Jewish- did someone change the date of Christmas? or are you celebrating Violin Day?

          • Barb

            I think Jeff is just trying to get lucky.

          • Barrelhse

            "Boxing" Day?

          • flamingpdog

            "Getting Some Box" Day?

          • Bonghits4Jesus

            Cutting the cheese day!

          • Lionel[redacted]Esq

            O. Henry would be proud.

          • You are a good friend to birds.

      • user-of-owls

        Not to be a pain in the Asiago, but you're kinda going out on a Limberger there, according to the prevailing hate aesthete.

        • Limeylizzie

          Caerphilly, Caerphilly or my Wensleydale may get sweaty.

          • user-of-owls

            The thought of your sweaty Wensleydale sends a Chedder down my Corleggy.

          • Limeylizzie

            If you're not careful you'll find my Pantysgawn.

          • user-of-owls

            Oh, Bebé di Sorrento! You're making me Haut-Jura!

          • Limeylizzie

            Yarg, I have met my Waterloo…

        • Angry_Marmot

          Leicester we forget.

      • flamingpdog

        Yes, most Muslins are Gouda people.

    • Biff

      wtf, is he looking to get a reality teevee show or something? Because nobody's buying those at the moment.

      • Barb

        I'm thinking about getting them a Lowe's gift card out of appreciation.

        • memzilla

          How about an "I shoplifted $20 from Lowe's" card?

        • Biff

          Maybe you should just burn a Quran in their name, it wouldn't hurt as much.

        • Nesnora

          I don't know, maybe they walked all that way to get a thank you piece of this ancient magical cheese… I'd get them cheese.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      What I would like to know is, what the fuck is up with that delivery guy? Missed it by a whole block?

      • Barb

        I wanna know what's up with Jeff getting me a food product that was created when I was still in my 30's.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          At least it wasn't hundred-year eggs.

          But really, great neighbor.

        • Geminisunmars

          He just didn't want you to be Bleu. Now don't you be getting all Emmentaler on us.

          • snackypants

            You people are too much! This thread had me near-tears.

    • Today is Santa Lucia Day, so gifts are totally appropriate. Last year I got my Italian daughter a Wii. This year, I'm giving her a "sorry I forgot" card.

    • GOPCrusher

      Wait a minute. Are you people trying to tell me that there are other kinds of cheeses, other than Kraft Singles and Velvetta?

  • memzilla

    This jiggling lump of high-fructose lobbyist has half-baked long enough. Can I set the Newt-O-Matic dial to "done" yet?

  • sbj1964

    The Republicans need a hero instead of these ZERO"S.They should ask Tobey Keith to run he would do better than Newt/Romney.Hell Charles Mason would kick these guys to the curb.

    • thebeatgoeson

      Toby is actually a self-proclaimed Democrat. Probably of the blue dog persuasion, but a Dem nonetheless.

    • RadioYKWE

      Charles Mason, who knew? Check this out.
      Charlie Manson, with the swastika and all on his forehead, would be a great "not Romney." In fact, Newt should get one of those tattoos — fucking awesome.

      • poncho_pilot

        but there's that whole thing he did…you know…

        scientology.

    • tihond

      But Keith would choose the red solo cup as his running mate. RED SOLO CUP IS WRONG FOR AMERICA!

    • NYNYNYjr

      Keith, yeah, as they said. Switching parties this late would really make him look like an opportunist. Manson, however, might be a Republican, as per this recent quote: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2011/0
      Maybe he can come in and save the day, ala Fred 'Deputy Dog' Thompson.

  • Callyson

    Retort from Newt: poll respondents are an invented people.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Rick Perry: are these Poles even here legally? are they gays?

      • In Texas they execute people named "Newt". (according to a recent pol.)

    • Judith_Priest

      Well done.

    • Guppy

      Which reminds me: did they poll his Twitter followers?

    • horsedreamer_1

      So, you follow the Rasmussen Poll?

    • chicken_thief

      Fundamentally….

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Ron Paul could get 75% of the vote, have angels singing his name and hosannas, and still no one would take him seriously as a presidential candidate. Which may be the one sign that this country still has some sanity left. Sure, Ron says a few things that a person might like, but when you listen to it all, the crazy takes over.

    • Negropolis

      Ronny is monkeys meets typewritters resulting in Shakespeare, and that is to say that he believes so many fucking things that eventually he'll be correct about some of them.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, Santorum is all the GOP has left…..,

    If that isn't a metaphor for our times, what is.

    • HistoriCat

      Not to mention that the GOP has left a lot of santorum around the country.

      • dadanarchist

        It tends to happen when you've spent the last 18 years (1994-2012) buttfucking America every chance you get…

  • Callyson

    Also: the frothy mix still can't get into double digits. Giving the term "little guy complex" a whole new meaning…

    • Barrelhse

      I bet the little bitch will go postal with an assault weapon when he snaps.

    • flamingpdog

      This time of the year, Little Ricky could really skyrocket in popularity if he dressed up as Frothy the Schmoman.

  • orygoon

    Scary fact(s): I watched part of the republikkkans debate the other night (yeah, I know, Saturday night, spells l-o-s-e-r) and Ron Paul was like a rock star for a few salvos. I mean, considering the baseline.

    • Barrelhse

      BASS-line?

      • Biff

        Huckabee's the bassman, right?

    • Ron Paul will occasionally say reasonable things. Then he'll immediately pivot into some babble about repealing the tyrannical Civil Rights Act and you remember that he's a giant asshole.

      • RadioYKWE

        Now, truth be told, him saying even one or two reasonable things is surprising for the clown car. Take Palin, Santorum, Michele for example, did they ever say anything that was reasonable? Or if Newt or Mitts said something reasonable they have subsequently, and dutifully, changed on a dime to suit the wingtards.
        I totally agree he is a gigantic asshole, if for nothing else, producing that Rand mutant and being a total disgrace to the medical profession. And Paultards are the worst intellectual half-wits imaginable, but yeah, you're right, he's a babbling old fart whose like using sandpaper to try to clean up Santorum.

        • valgal2342

          I hear ya on the mutant spawn, that mutant spawn is unfortunately one of my Senators. Rand is a far bigger asshole than dear old dad, at least Ron has a politeness about him where Rand is just the worst thing this planet ever had to endure. Ron's like a lovable crazy old uncle with fake eyebrows and Rand is the punk you want to beat up after school…..everyday.

          • NYNYNYjr

            Rand sucks…I don't an accounting of his misdeeds…but both Pauls, if you look at how they vote, they're like the best Republicans. Along with the Maine twins. IMHO

  • Tundra Grifter

    Apparently a recent poll shows Mr. Obama beating Ole Newt in Florida.

    Florida!

    Could be a great November 2012 after all…

    • OzoneTom

      South Carolina even!

      Of course that won't hold once some actual white man is nominated, but still.

    • And just think … most pollsters only call people with landlines.

    • Obama won Florida in 2008. I was sitting in a bar in Fort Lauderdale with the local "Drinking Liberally" group when it was announced on the teevee. What a night! Hoping for a repeat of that.

      Actually I am truly hoping to be sitting in a bar here in SC with the "Drinking Liberally" group next year on election day and it's announced on teevee that Obama has won SC. Hoo Boy!

      • Negropolis

        If he won South Crackalack, I'd cry tears of pure joy. That would make my night. He could lose the presidency, but if he won SC, I'd be all right with it. lol

      • Tundra Grifter

        BelleSC:

        I read that Gov. Niki has a popularity rating of less than 30%. Favoring the port of Savanna over Charleston in return for a prime spot at next years' GNoPee convention didn't go over so good.

        Meanwhile, Mr. Obama is polling better than Ole Newt in SC.

        Register every possible Democratic voter and get 'em out on election day! Our biggest problem in November 2012 is going to be apathy. The one thing we all can do across this great land of ours is help with voter registration and the GOTV effort.

        We don't have to contribute money. If we're looking for a job or working part-time we have the time to help. And make a big difference!

        • "We don't have to contribute money. If we're looking for a job or working part-time we have the time to help. And make a big difference! "

          True. We're doing everything we can.

          • Tundra Grifter

            BelleSC:

            Dulce!

            Nobody has to do everything. We just need everybody to do something.

            Keep up the great work!

            & Happy Holly-Daze!

    • GOPCrusher

      Of course, polls are liberal shills, unless they show President Obama being beaten by 137% of the voters.

  • Joshua Norton

    Perry-toast; Bachmann-toast; Cain-toast. That leaves Romeny the Bore Unloved by the Base But Possibly Able to pull in Non-Delusional Independents; and Newt the newt: slimy, amoral, a flip flopper par excellence (what was that he said about unemployment benefits being used for drugs anyway?), adulterer, narcissist . . .

    How about a Romney/Gingrich ticket?

    That will take care of mobilizing the Democratic base as Obama himself couldn't possibly have done.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Well there is Hunts… uh, what was his name again?

    • NYNYNYjr

      Romney/Gingrich…should really turn out the evangelical/700 Club crowd! Whoo hoo– Non-Christian Cultist on top, Amoral Secular Shit Bag on the bottom.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Is it too late to change my name to "Not Mitt Romney" and form a campaign committee? I can say all kind of batshit crazy stuff…

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    Newton's fourth law:

    A body in motion, given sufficient arousal of those who form civilization, will love America too much and impress itself on another body, thus flaming out in spectacular fashion

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, the GOP is stuck with a person they either a) don't trust, b) believe is a heretic or c) believe is s secret Democrat. Having flamed through everyone else, they are stuck with either John Huntsman, but he has the same problems as Mitt, or Rick Santorum, who even the GOP finds stupid and annoying.

    Can you all say Sarah Palin write in campaign!

    • finallyhappy

      no, My man T-Paw!!

      • Geminisunmars

        Who?

        • flamingpdog

          Wh..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    • Barrelhse

      Can we challenge the spelling?

  • edgydrifter

    So who is left for fickle Iowan evangelical fucktards to crown as nominee-apparent?

    A) Two unacceptably Mormon semi-conservatives (names unimportant)
    B) Ron Paul
    C) Santorum
    D) Gary Johnson

    Since there isn't a doubt in my mind that they'll go option C, can someone please explain why Iowa matters in politics at all? Holy fuck. Once every four years I have to temporarily stop ignoring Iowa's existence, and I always regret it.

    • Iowa Republicans might bring pain but remember that it was their 2008 Democratic caucus that propelled Barak Obama's campaign early on. Obama also earned Iowa's seven electoral votes in the election, to the surprise of many.

  • dadanarchist

    What is it about wingnuts that makes them so fickle?

    Is it the corn syrup or the meth?

    • Don't they blend it together in the syringe? I think it's called a 'Corn Pop' or something. It's usually what's for breakfast.

      • littlebigdaddy

        Along with a Big Gulp of Mountain Dew.

        • bagofmice

          This explains the teabagging in HALO.

    • It is our inability to not lash out at those we perceive are persecuting us for our Christian Identify, even if these tantrums deeply violate our self-interests.

      hope this helps

  • PubOption

    Newt might improve his numbers by offering Ron Paul the VP part of the ticket. We could then watch Newt-Ron bomb in 2012.

    • How many Hoverounds would a Newt-Ron bomb take out?

    • flamingpdog

      Bravo!

  • sbj1964

    The repthuglicans today said they will approve the payroll tax cut if they can slash unemployment,health care,and pay freezes for government workers taking money out of the economy,and once again screwing the middle class,and working people.While standing firm on no new taxes for the $Rich$.Amazing!They stand with the 1% screw everyone else.

    • And the Chamber of Commerce will issue a press release accusing Americans of being unpatriotic because they didn't shop enough for Christmas.

  • JackObin

    The worst economy in seventy years, and Obama can't lose. Poor guy.

  • Tommmcattt

    Man, am I gonna love it when Newtie has to concede to Mittens.

    They hate you, Newt. They just forgot about it for a little while.

    Looking better and better for the Democrats all the time…

    • Negropolis

      I'm of a different opinion. Little else would make me happier than to see someone as fake and see-through as serial politician Romney lose, again, and to someone as dishonorable as him if not more so. This guy has been trying to buy the presidency since he was born. He doesn't want to be president because he has some kind of grand vision or think he has something to offer. He wants to be the president because. That's it. This kind of do-anything/say-anything blind ambition is just disgusting to watch. At least Newt is deluded and arrogant enough to think that he's brilliant and could offer something.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        See, also: McCain, John.

        • Negropolis

          I hold John in slightly higher regard for his military service and being a literal survivor, but only slightly. I think he really had a chance after Vietnam to live an honorable existence, but he got less mature and more mean and impulsive.

          Still, Romney's entire life has been lived facing towards blind ambition with no real goal in sight. He goes an culls a stepford wife at the age of 20, and does the whole house-and-kids-and-church thing, and finds his way to the top of a business, and the whole thing, wife and kids included, look like totally planned and cynical props to his ambition. He seems to take away value from anything he touches, like some kind of souless, corporate vampire.

          Romney rubs me the wrong way more than any of these other guys. It's like he's trying too hard to play the perfect human, and in the process, epically fails at actually being human having not really and truly lived a single day of his life. These are people I worry about; these are people that scare me. These are the people that when they eventually self-destruct (and they almost always do), they take everyone else with them.

  • Newton seems to be attracting the Total Asshole demo, who love his dickishness, and think he must be as smart as he is confident.

    Michele and Santorum are splitting the obnoxious, bossy fundamentalist Christian-ish crowd, who think they know how everybody else should live.

    The Republican dilemma is that people (even Iowans) outside those camps hate them for being assholes or bible-thumpers.

    Hey Sarah, are your ears burning? You're the Complete Package.

    • ThundercatHo

      Very nice analysis. But, what does Mittens get? I'm thinking everybody else who can pat their head and rub their tummy at the same time.

      • I think Mitt gets the coveted "You're out of Black Walnut? Okay, I guess I'll have a small scoop of French Vanilla" demographic.

    • Bonghits4Jesus

      Draft Sarah: reelect Obama!

    • littlebigdaddy

      I like the cut of your jib SB.

  • It's a caucus. The Paulites are loyal and always show up. Doctor Congressman Fuckhead Ron Paul is gonna win this thing and it's going to be a cornucopia of comedy.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Needz moar blimpz!!!!!!!!!!

      • flamingpdog

        Chris Christie/Haley Barbour/2012!!

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I believe you are right. The thing about the Iowa caucuses is that there are arguments going on during them. Some folks eventually realize their first choice has no chance, and slip onto another bandwagon. DCF Ron will have lots of persuaders at every single fucking caucus location.

      If it's true that the great leap forward of the early voting dates was sponsored by the GOP elites, they must be shitting themselves right about now.

      • Biff

        I hate everything about the caucus. My adopted home state of Nevaduh, in their infinite wisdom, went to this deeply flawed system right after I moved here. There is no dignity in the entire process. No provision for absentee "caucusing". I could go on. Or I could move someplace saner, if I hadn't lost all my moneys in the terrible real estate climate here. Gah.

    • Negropolis

      Mitt (I think) said as much at the debate the other night. He basically said the only people willing to stand out in the cold, and the only people he sees on the streets are Paulpeople.

      Of course, he'll never be invited to the ball, but he sure as hell can win Iowa, this time.

  • What about the perpetually uninvited guy? Will they ever even know his name?!

    • NYNYNYjr

      They will know Him by his [re]love.

  • user-of-owls

    Iowa Caucuses: Where The Weasels Chase the Monkeys.

    • …and it all ends in a pile of macaca.

    • Biff

      Haven't we seen enough monkey butts for one day?

  • succalina

    How is KBJ? I miss hearing about her and Douchehat.

  • The thing to take into consideration about Paul supporters is that they are way under counted. Paul supporters do not own phones because, "That's how the man can track you" and therefore can not do phone polls. Paul supporters communicate via carrier pigeon, Ham and CB radios and gun shots into the air. They are also highly suspicious of people, "not from around these parts" and will not answer their fancy socialist gotcha questions.
    So polls are way off on Paul support.

    • jodyleek

      How does one communicate by ham? Which end do you talk into?

      • Bonghits4Jesus

        You don't communicate by talking in this case but you do use your mouth.

    • also smoke signals. i am compiling a definitive list.

      • flamingpdog

        Don't forget smoked ham signals.

        • not that Dewey

          Are you trying to summon Lindsey Graham?

          • flamingpdog

            Wow, sick minds think alike! I was thinking the whole time I was reading this thread that maybe it was time for Lindsey Graham Cracker to make his move.

    • Here in Tucson they appear to communicate by taping big handmade signs to the sides of their cars.

    • bagofmice
    • Negropolis

      Mmmm….ham radios….delicious.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I like ham. http://cbsdetroit.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/hon
      But for some reason this pic makes me more horny than hungry (yes, safe for work).

      • Dashboard Buddha

        I think, uh. Yeah…errm. Ummm, ok.

    • littlebigdaddy

      And by tapping on the bathroom stall walls.

  • They though it was a different Newt Ging-grinch.

    Don't worry Iowans, your ging* is still safe.

    * see Urban Dictionary, definition 5.

  • user-of-owls

    Paul vs. Gingrich.

    Battle of the Blimps.

    • And this is the way it's going to end (we can only hope).

      • Bonghits4Jesus

        Oh, the humanity!

        • Geminisunmars

          Or lack therein.

    • Negropolis

      I think they call it the "Subway (Restaurants) Series".

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Let's begin a "boycott Iowa Caucus" movement among the GOP base there in corn country. Obviously no one can pass muster with the Tea Party crowd. Fine corner the GOP has painted itself into — they don't want the only valid candidate in the bunch and everyone else is found to be wanting — couldn't happen to nicer bunch of yahoos. I'm surprised Newt is fading already, Why should they bother voting at all? They should have left their base sleeping, but no, they had to turn them into half-awake, half-ignorant activist Golems.

    • What does Grandpa Cornpants have to say? And where is that great portrait of him?

    • poncho_pilot

      section 5: troubleshooting

      1) try turning it on and off again. to deactivate golems change the inscription: emitt to: mitt. if this does not correct the problem call customer service.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    These Republican candidates, they're like the drummer for Spinal Tap. Blink and they're gone. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spinal_Tap_(band)#Dr

    • Watching any of them "debate" is like having a spinal tap..

    • But, eleven….

    • littlebigdaddy

      I am truly surprised the Michele has not spontaneously combusted, leaving only a small pyramid of ashes.

      • ThundercatHo

        Once she leaves Iowa, defeated, she will disobey her husband and the OMG, turn back to look one last time and turn into a pillar of Lithium.

  • SoTired

    This is good news for John McCain

  • user-of-owls

    I let my subscription to Lancet expire this year. Anyone know if they've established a link between corn fumes and ADHD yet?

    Because the empirical evidence is really just glaring.

    • I thought vaccinations cause everything, including retardation. These people must have been vaccinated !

    • flamingpdog

      Crush Limpballs was going to subscribe to the Lancet until one of his staffers pointed out to him that it had nothing to do with ass-boils.

  • rocktonsam

    Newt is polling 123% with the rich, smug cocksucker demographic.

    He has that going for him.

    • flamingpdog

      Who are the other 56 % of Repooplicans going with?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh the poor GOP voters — after years of being told that Americans were superhuman justice robots made by The LORD, that war paid for itself, just like tax cuts did, that not polluting is just the left's way of destroying the economy so they can set the poor and black people against the hardworking job creators, they finally got candidates who either had to talk that way all the time or who really believed that shit — and suddenly they have nobody to choose from but the liars and the crazies.

    And now they're wandering around like people lost in the desert, chasing mirages that disappear when they crawl up close to them. Better still, the primaries are no longer winner-take-all, which means this could drag on for an agonizingly long time before the Republican voters settle for whoever they're going to hammer for squandering their goodwill, their principles and the obvious favor of our middle-right electorate for four more years under The Socialist.

    At least that's how I hope this shit plays out.

    • The U.S. is going to run out of popcorn during their convention.

      • dadanarchist

        Some pundits, like Nate Silver, are already predicting a brokered convention.

        Even with farm subsidies, there's probably not enough corn to supply that spectacle…

    • RadioYKWE

      You know Wooks, it wasn't but two and a half years ago we were thinking the Retard Party was dead. The fucking teabaggers resuscitated it, for sure, some well placed money by Armey, Rove, the Kochs and all. But the great white hope was on the ropes. Of course, the other immense obstacle we face in having any kind of progressive thinking — and delivering the knockout blow — is the corporatism and plutocratic stranglehold on the candy assed Dems. OWS, and folks like us, might have an opportunity here, at least that's what I hope for.

      • Negropolis

        The tea party doesn't have a second act, because it's the closing curtain. I don't fear them for 2012, but, as you stated, the corporations are the last obstacle, and they are still very much trying to destroy Obama for whatever reason.

  • To the tune of Monty Pynchon's "Spam"

    ♪♫ Blimp, blimp, blimp, blimp, blimpity, blimp ♫♪

  • Ah, the cycle of Stupid continues

    1) New Leader emerges
    2) MSM trumpets them as the "next" savior
    3) Dirt is uncovered… a lot of dirt is uncovered
    4) GOPers circle the wagons and pretend dirt isn't real
    5) Dirt is REAL. GOPers and MSM run away in droves
    6) Search for new leader
    7) Old leader tossed away like a Santorum covered condom
    8) Mittens is never picked.
    9) New Non Mormoni Candidate is picked as a leader.

  • Jerri

    Nuts to these fickle voters. There was an Iowa woman quoted on NPR this morning who said she wasn't for Michele because she "isn't sure women are really cut out to lead." Not Michele specifically. Women in general.

    Given that this is a prime example of the thought process among these folks, rather than tax everyone's patience and remaining "thinkin' kernels" in Iowa with a straw poll, why not settle this thing with a fun contest of strength and skill. Every candidate has to cornhole* against the huskiest man in Dubuque, and whoever wins that gets to be the poll winner.

    *The game or the other kind, I don't even care.

    • ThundercatHo

      Marcus would be all over that.

    • Was that Iowa woman on vacation and the one who came out of a Broadway matinee to say the OWS supporters "need to get jobs!"

  • Buckminster

    It's short-attention-span theater at its best. Gerbils and cats welcome!

  • Come here a minute

    Ron Paul's Iowa blimp will deflate just before the caucus. Even racist nutjob Republicans know they can't win with a racist nutjob.

    • What, what, deflating blimps. Nooooooooo.

      What's next?

      Leopold/Loeb 2012

    • Buckminster

      "Oh, the huge Manatee."

    • Tundra Grifter

      CHAM:

      When Paul talks about foreign policy, closing military bases around the world, not trying to a cop with the world as our beat, I find myself agreeing with him.

      It's all that other shit I have a great deal of trouble with. What in the world do the PaulTards have against Abraham Lincoln?

  • El Pinche

    Rand, hurry up and glue my fake eyebrows! I have a close-up on FoxNews in an hour!

  • littlebigdaddy

    The next new thing will be a "conservative Hispanic woman" who turns out to be a transsexual Colombian hooker who has read some Hayek. Fox will blame her inevitable decline on the "liberal media."

    • Tundra Grifter

      LBD:

      "…who has read some Hayek."

      Salma?

      • littlebigdaddy

        My favorite Hayek, by far.

  • Negligently_Joe

    You do realize that the only thing preventing a Bachman and/or Santorum surge is the fact that Newt is sucking up those elderly wingnut numbers like they're chocolate Easter candies, though, right? Once the people who are old enough to remember how Newt blamed every bad thing that ever happened on Democrats, in between calling them Nazis (this is a POSITIVE, in wingnutland) lose interest, we can all look forward to hearing even more vicious and full-throated attacks against people who believe in the wrong eclectic sky-god ghost stories, or who love the wrong gender of people, or who have the temerity to be born poor, brown, or Spanish-speaking.

    Newt's an arrogant buffoon, but let's be honest: it's going to keep getting worse and worse for a while here, with or without him.

    • Negropolis

      It simply can't. The first primary is literally weeks away. Newt collapses, now, and that party is through being competitive with Obama. So, they'll entertain Gingrich up to the Iowa caucus, and then see what happens from there.

    • MzNicky

      On the other hand, lots of elderly wingnuts are in nursing homes and don't have voter IDs, so they'll be disenfranchised. What delicious irony would that be?

  • ttommyunger

    "Iowa Starting To Remember It Never Really Liked Newt Gingrich." Whaaaaaa? Never really liked? Nobody has ever liked Newt. He is probably the only motherfucker in the world less likable than myself, thankyouverymuch. OT: Rocky somebody (Governor of Utahktaktakstan) is running against Barry now. He is supposed to be a Progressive and will mount a "Populist" camaign, accepting no contributions over $100…. I smell a Koch.

    • hebmskebm

      You're thinking of Rocky Anderson, former mayor of Salt Lake. And if he's running, that must mean Mittens must be dropping out and endorsing him real soon. Why, take a gander at this glowing endorsement of the man he made a few years back! (seriously, this video should be the kiss of death for the Romney campaign given how vocally liberal Anderson is) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PQ95wokGlM

      • ttommyunger

        Hmmmm. When you're right, you're right.

    • flamingpdog

      Yeah, Rocky actually is a populist – no Koch job here unless they have something on him. As far as I can tell here from the next-door state, he's proof that a nice guy can win an election even in a wingnut state like Youtah. B ut he was only the mayor of Salt Lake City, not the governor, which helps explain things a bit. He prolly got 100 percent of the black vote (=Utah Jazz) in Utah.

      • ttommyunger

        Another Wonketeer (who is more knowledgeable than I, but who isn't?) pointed out an endorsement ad Mittens did for Rocky in 2003, indicating it might be the nail in his coffin.

  • littlebigdaddy

    I forget. Which character on South Park is he impersonating?

  • Nostrildamus

    … looking as winded as Newt after a few flights of stairs wives.

  • fuflans

    here is what i would say if i were sober and rational: why does a small agrarian state with an overwhelmingly white, protestant, conservative population get so goddamn much more power than – i don't know – any major american metropolis??

    here is what i say less sober: fuck iowa and the fucking horse she road in on.

    • And why is their power almost equal to that of an even more sparsely populated state whose major claims to fame are granite, one of the nation's oldest nuclear power plants, and the most conservative of the Ivy League colleges?

    • Negropolis

      Now, if they wanted a real challenge, why not hold the first caucus in Detroit? Try chasing those voters, try selling them that shit you call a party, you morally bankrupt fuckers. lol

      • chicken_thief

        Does anyone still live in Detroit? I thought Dave Bing or someone turned it all into farm land.

    • I must defend my home state. Since all the attention this year is on the Republican side, all you are seeing are Iowa's Republicans, who, admittedly, are an evil lot. Million year old Twitter Shitter Charles Grassley and crazy raccoon killing congressmonster Steve King, for example.
      However, there are plenty of progressive Democrats in Iowa, too. Gay marriage is legal and I would be willing to bet a dollar that Obama will carry the state come November.
      It may not be urban, but it isn't South Carolina.

      • fuflans

        i would defend your state as well (i've actually ventured out of the chicago metro area a couple times – and done some theatre in iowa).

        only i might be accused of something nice about something.

  • Nostrildamus

    Looks like Newt'll be getting a Catalonian shit log in his stocking this year.

    • Mojopo

      …or in a little blue bag.

  • Mojopo

    …and like all the acid trips I've ever heard about, Windowpane Newt has finally peaked. Because I only get to hear about them, so that someone can take notes and keep the guys like Newt from thinking they can fly.

  • DaRooster

    Hey Newt-
    THIS IS SPARTAAAA!!

  • Buckminster

    ream puffs and eclairs full of fattening, non-nutritive cream-like fatness. News at 11.

  • fuflans

    to be fair, no one, ever, liked newt gingrich.

    • Geminisunmars

      Chillista likes him well enough.

      • Biff

        I couldn't possibly dream up a more stereotypical golddigger.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Gary Johnson could light himself on fire and not get noticed by the press at this point.

    • Negropolis

      I've seen this guy on television, and I wouldn't put it beyond him. lol That guy is weird. He makes Ron Paul look the picture of mental health.

      • not that Dewey

        I lived under his 2nd term as governor. He was a libertarian who INCREASED public school funding and believed in government disaster response. It was rather fun having the pot-smokingest governor in the States.

        And DEFINITELY weird.

        • Negropolis

          Which is funny, because his selling point for the presidency is that he's "THE most fiscal conservative" candidate. Like most libertarians, he's excellent on civil liberty, agreeable on foreign policy, but that's where it ends. After that, you get all the bullshit about privatizing Medicare, the conspiracy theories about the Federal Reserve, destroying public schools with "schools of choice" and voucher crap, eliminating corporate taxes, unchecked trade agreements, etc…

          I mean, I guess folks like him would be fine as governor, where they don't have to much worry about foreign policy, and currency and such, since governors are more managers than anything else, but he sounds like he'd be a disaterous president. The only thing about it that'd make it patable is that we'd be so damned high from the legalized mary jane when we descended into economic hellfire we wouldn't feel it.

          • not that Dewey

            Yeah, he played with the school voucher nonsense, too, but after having bolstered the public school budgets. I can live with a compromise on this position as long as it's an actual compromise, and not just substituting tax credits for xian schools in place of public school support. NM ended up with a charter school system that complements, rather than displaces, the public school system, and a large fraction of them are secular, 'magnet'-type schools.

            As long as the current teabagger governor doesn't bring it all crashing down before my daughter starts kindergarten.

          • BarackMyWorld

            My belief is that having held statewide office as a governor should get you press coverage for your campaign and an automatic seat at the debates, but the Catch-22 debate rules seem to disagree. How the hell Santorum is included but not Roemer or Johnson is just ridiculous.

  • sbj1964

    NEWT GINGRICH, Caps cannot begin to match his delusional EGO .

  • owhatever

    With Trump now out of the way, Newt proposes a series of three seven-hour debates with every registered voter in Iowa.

  • Schmegeg

    Actually, Fisher Price Newt is kind of cute and should take the lead any day now.

  • Negropolis

    Let me tell you, I pray to the FSM every day, now, that Paul will pull out a victory in Iowa. If that were to happen, the euphoria would surely 'cause a Paultard rapture of Georgetownian proportions.

  • Negropolis

    It is apparently as difficult to get even a third of the Republican electorate in Iowa to agree on a candidate for more than two consecutive weeks as it is for Kathryn Jean Lopez to find a boyfriend.

    ME-OW, Ms. Kirsten.

    • RadioYKWE

      I think K-Lo thought her boyfriend was Jonah Goldberg and they would have beautiful mutant babies together, that is until momma Goldberg put the kibosh on it because she's shiksa.

      • Negropolis

        I know the story. lol

  • Buckminster

    Why can't we just challenge him to a "Twilight Zone"-themed contest of will? I think it would work out well for the people of the US.

  • Buckminster

    Why can't we just challenge him to a "Twilight Zone"-themed contest of will? I think it would work out well for the people of the US.

  • Negropolis

    Paul upon seeing his increasing numbers: "Prepare the dirigible, post-haste! Daddy's got a presidential campaign to run!"

    • Negropolis

      BTW, Obama vs. Paul would 1964 all over again, a veritble thing of beauty. It'd be Johnson vs. Goldwater 2.0.

  • DocChaos

    If Paul were actually to win Iowa, and then inevitabley fade, the Paultards will be even angrier than usual that their man is being denied, guaranteeing they will swamp the Millionaires Select internet primary, and the asshats who run it will have to pull their access denied card.

    The clusterfuck continues.

  • SenileAgitation

    It's Huntsman's time, I tell you. Surprise upset send-a-message (to whom?) win, despite his occasionally reasonable stances. I am also predicting Mark Burnett will tweak his offering and find a buyer for "Sarah Palin's American Cheater" in which male contestants compete until the last one remaining "gets" to impregnate her.

    • chicken_thief

      Huntsman held his own with Newt, the fucking genius of the GOP according to Newt, in their Lincoln-Douglas debate. Too bad for Jon no one watched it.

    • flamingpdog

      And the next to last one remaining "gets" to impregnate her twice.

  • user-of-owls

    Though there remains some debate, most of the political science academic community concurs that in modern democracies, where direct democracy is no longer feasible, there is a need for a "gatekeeping" function to filter out extraneous information such that citizens can reasonably assess their electoral choices.

    Further, there is broad agreement that this function is most effectively and appropriately performed by a fuzzy-chinned obtuse man named after a canid.

    • not that Dewey

      I defer to the experts, obviously.

      • user-of-owls

        As you should. After all, I was on TV with a little "Terrorism Expert" label under my name.

        That means I can speak with great authority on matters such as political violence, the latest episode of Biggest Loser and agronomic practices for optimized productivity and quality of Oriental mustard (Brassica juncea L.).

        • not that Dewey

          Were you really? How did you keep from committing mass-murder on the soundstage?

          • user-of-owls

            I was indeed. In fact, I had a near nightly/noonly run for about six weeks after 9/11 on the local affiliate called, I kid you not, KHOG. Oh, the stories I have from that experience. Like the dim bulb anchor who was convinced that a bit of poor camera work in an early OBL video, which briefly showed a boulder near a pond or something, was a sign that Little Rock's water supply was soon to be poisoned. No, I'm not kidding.

          • not that Dewey

            You're an acknowledged expert terrorist — cool!

            "KHOG" because of "razorbacks", no? Speaking of terrorists, here, where the university maintains a Department of Blowing Shit Up (where Mrs D works on and off as a photographer/video editor), the local transmitter for our NPR affiliate is called KBOM.

          • user-of-owls

            Hah! KBOM is way cooler than KHOG! Why it's the…*turns to cartoon devil on shoulder*…no, no I won't say that. It's stupid. *smug, beatific smile from angel on other shoulder*

    • flamingpdog

      Dog the Bounty Hunter?

    • not that Dewey

      Well, he did manage to get the question about Ronald Reagan correct.

      As Pareene wrote in the Gawker article, "What this guy has to be pretentious about is anybody's guess."

  • BarackMyWorld

    13 years, but he was Speaker of the House, which is pretty important.

    I would hope after the Trump debate debacle, there's a serious attempt made by the RNC to regulate how debates are held.

    • not that Dewey

      I stand corrected, on the years in office, but not on my opinion regarding his relevance or importance to journalists. "Disgraced former Speaker of the House" should not be a net plus.

      Ha ha. You used "RNC" and "serious attempt" in the same sentence.

    • Rotundo_

      But with Reince Priebus (the new "MiracleBoy" who pulled off the Walker campaign) calling shots I don't think that will happen. Pulling in some hack from the state chairman pool seems to be biting them pretty badly of late strategy wise. Of course it hasn't helped the democratic party either.

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