THE KING OF COMEDY  2:27 pm December 13, 2011

Parody Human Donald Trump Drops Out of His Own Dumb GOP Debate

by Wonkette Jr.

Back to getting pummeled on celebrity wrestling shows, we guess ....Donald Trump, America’s leading advertisement for burning all rich people to death in vats of poison waste oil, has bravely decided to follow all the GOP candidates for president by dropping out of the clown-show Republican debate he was scheduled to host. This is an unmitigated tragedy for political comedy and the “post-Xmas doldrums,” but Trump hates America and he obviously hates comedy, so these are the breaks. According to the Fox News Twitter Channel (?), Trump just put out this statement: “I have decided not to be the moderator of the Newsmax debate.” NOOOOOOOOOO.

Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman, “the candidates with some kind of basic standards,” immediately refused to participate in the idiot Newsmax/Home Shopping Channel reality show when it was first announced, on December 2. Even Michele Bachmann said no, despite this being the perfect platform for a delusional pill-popping idiot like Bachmann. And, we can only assume, Mitt Romney eventually “changed his position” as he does about everything and decided not to take part, because nobody else was taking part. Newt Gingrich heard there would be two bathrooms just for him and his poop, so he signed on. (Plus, he was probably offered some gift cards to Applebee’s and maybe a lucrative consulting contract with the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.) Eventually, there was no choice for Trump but to refuse to appear on the debate that he himself was hosting.

Anyway, the dream is over. Who will host the Newsmax debate instead? Let’s just say if it’s not elderly wingnut superhero Chuck Norris, then they can just cancel the motherfucking debacle already. [Twitter?]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 130 comments }

DrunkIrishman December 13, 2011 at 2:28 pm

That's okay, Newt will go find a lamppost to yell at.

Biff December 13, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Newt should be hanging from a lamppost, by his feet.

voodooeconomics December 13, 2011 at 6:29 pm

or to pee on it..by lifting his right leg..

johnnymeatworth December 13, 2011 at 2:29 pm

So he fired himself?

Biel_ze_Bubba December 13, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Trump to Newsmax: "You're fired!"

ManchuCandidate December 13, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Pity pwoooh Newsmax. They just don't get any respect… nor should they.

x111e7thst December 13, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Republican Presidential Candidates are pretend people.

benjo765 December 13, 2011 at 7:41 pm

but if only their decision-making powers were equally pretend when elected we'd be a couple of trillion less in debt!

teebob2000 December 13, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Obviously, Wink Martindale will now step in.

Texan_Bulldog December 13, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Tic Tac Dough libel!!!11!!!

(Yes, I'm really aging myself here.)

ManchuCandidate December 13, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Pat Sajak. He's wingnutty as they are.

Barrelhse December 13, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Why does that name remind me of a mare?

Mumbletypeg December 13, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Ha! Youre thinking of a martingale!

flamingpdog December 13, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Alex Trebek has little tolerance for teh stoopid, and a friend of mine who watches Jeopardy on a regular basis says he has been especially on-the-rag lately.

Negropolis December 14, 2011 at 2:54 am

I'm hanging out for Don Cornelius, myself.

Barb December 13, 2011 at 2:32 pm

He can still be the spokesman for Cialis for daily use, right?

prommie December 13, 2011 at 2:48 pm

If Trump didn't use Cialis, he would slump to the floor, helpless and flaccid, like a beached jellyfish.

Nothingisamiss December 13, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Why did you put this picture in my head??!!!!?!

Callyson December 13, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Quit giving the latest Mrs Trump false hope…

flamingpdog December 13, 2011 at 3:10 pm

That would be a hairpeen-raising experience.

Nostrildamus December 13, 2011 at 3:10 pm

You can't yell Socialism without Cialis.

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2011 at 2:32 pm

I guess this answers the age-old question, "What if they gave a debate and nobody came, not even the moderator?"

OneYieldRegular December 13, 2011 at 2:53 pm

It also answers the question, "What if you gave a party and the only guest to show up was Rick Santorum?" Awkward!

RadioYKWE December 13, 2011 at 2:32 pm

This is obviously Obama's fault.

AlterNewt December 13, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Once again you have zeroed in on the meat of the thing.

Joshua Norton December 13, 2011 at 2:32 pm

The real reason Newt wants 2 bathrooms is so he can cheat on the first one.

Chillwaver December 13, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Quitter! Now where's the Donald Trump caganer?

dadanarchist December 13, 2011 at 2:44 pm

The designers had one in production, but it was too difficult to depict the Donald pooping on his own head, so it has been discontinued until further advances in clay technology.

Sharkey December 13, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Check his hotel room – at a certain time in the morning.

Texan_Bulldog December 13, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Well, at least now The Donald has time to go get the badger on his head vaccinated. It looks like it's due.

SorosBot December 13, 2011 at 3:01 pm

That's not a badger, it's a tribble,

Blueb4sunrise December 13, 2011 at 2:35 pm

I suggest that they air 2 hours of Kortney mouthing a cucumber.

Tundra Grifter December 13, 2011 at 3:19 pm

I'll bet Olivia Munn can handle a zuke. Or two.

prommie December 13, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Can I provide the "cucumber?"

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2011 at 2:36 pm

"Let’s just say if it’s not elderly wingnut superhero Chuck Norris, then they can just cancel the motherfucking debacle already. "

Chuck Norris is a hunter. But Chuck Norris does not hunt. Hunting would imply the possibility of failure. There are 10 million people in World of Statecraft, because Chuck Norris allows them to live!

MOG2410 December 13, 2011 at 3:49 pm

That commercial………argghhhh.

actor212 December 13, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Newsmax hosting a political debate is like, I dunno, Wonkette hosting America's Top Chef.

Limeylizzie December 13, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Wonkette has ace baker Dustbowlblues.

prommie December 13, 2011 at 2:50 pm

You never seen my foodblog.

Biff December 13, 2011 at 2:51 pm

And cranberry business, also.

MissTaken December 13, 2011 at 3:26 pm

And some halved Brussels sprouts under the broiler, too.

Callyson December 13, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Well, I think there are a lot of dudes here who would like something that Kortney cooks up…

MOG2410 December 13, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Having just finished putting the finishing touches on 14 boxes of homemade cookies (including two without nuts – no snark) to take to UPS, I resent that, sir!

actor212 December 13, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Consider the delivery crunch this time of year, you may have to resent those, yes.

MOG2410 December 13, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Nah, the Brown will get them there.

finallyhappy December 13, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Hope you got my address correct this time!

ThundercatHo December 13, 2011 at 5:59 pm

I personally loathe, hate and detest cooking and my wonderful hubby is whipping up dinner as I type. However, I did make 9 dozen jars of homemade jam, 2 dozen of homemade salsa, 3 doz. pickled beets and 2 doz. peaches. I have 1 more batch of drunk peach jam to go after I bottle up my homemade peach liqueur.

GOPCrusher December 13, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Maybe they can use the air time to show a Best Of episode of Wrestlemania?

BarackMyWorld December 13, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Or a special tribute to every pro-wrestler who was dead by the age of 40…but they'd need a way bigger time slot.

memzilla December 13, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Audience research showed that a black-and-white Indian head test pattern would get higher ratings than this debate. And make more sense.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 13, 2011 at 2:39 pm

In a rare bit of honesty from Trump, Donald claimed hat he more important things to do. First on the list was washing his hair.

Fare la Volpe December 13, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Does he put it in with the whites or the colors?

Negropolis December 14, 2011 at 2:58 am

Well, being the best friend of The Blacks, he wouldn't mind putting it in with the coloreds, but her prefers the whites.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 13, 2011 at 2:56 pm

He doesn't send it out for cleaning?

MOG2410 December 13, 2011 at 3:52 pm

As Bette Davis once said, "I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair".

Monsieur_Grumpe December 13, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Jeez, who wrote that gibberish? I'm firing my editor.
In the voice of Jetson's Mr. Spacely…

"Grumpe!!!!! You're fired!!!!"

Beowoof December 13, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Oh I feel your pain, my fingers never can keep up with the race of snarky thoughts.

MzNicky December 13, 2011 at 4:40 pm

That's not hair! That's the Donald's pet meerkat.

freakishlywrong December 13, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Please Santa. Time Machine. Pronto.

BarackMyWorld December 13, 2011 at 2:40 pm
SorosBot December 13, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Aw now how is the Donald going to abuse the election to pimp his stupid TV show?

ShitFilledExistence December 13, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Trump should get a Bob Schieffer mask and fool everybody–get them all there then rip it off revealing his dumb ass as the moderator.

nounverb911 December 13, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Now he has more time to tend to his pet gerbils.

DaRooster December 13, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I see from the picture that he really does have a good relationship with the blacks…

memzilla December 13, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Although it would have been nice to have seen Rethuglicans spewing and salivating to kiss Trump's a**hole with regressive policy statements, thus further alienating themselves from the 99%. Oh wait, that's why we have Congress.

lefty74 December 13, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Huge!

WhatTheHeck December 13, 2011 at 2:42 pm

The republicans would be better served having Donald Duck hosssssting their debatessssssss. The duck is the wiser of the two. And funnier.

SexySmurf December 13, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Bad news for ION Television, good news for people who enjoy reruns of Without a Trace.

Baconzgood December 13, 2011 at 2:43 pm

He still should have had it. I mean no one watches his TV show and he still puts THAT on. Why not the GOP debate?

slowhansolo December 13, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Hair today, moan tomorrow.

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Maybe Newsmax can hire as moderator that Obama impersonator that used to show up on those Fox News strawman segments they used to run. He's probably available.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 13, 2011 at 2:59 pm

The last time they put the impersonator guy on stage, he pretty much WON the debate. We won't be seeing him again any time soon.

MiniMencken December 13, 2011 at 2:45 pm

So, maybe, there is a God?

Biff December 13, 2011 at 2:54 pm

According to the JW's I had to run off this morning, yes.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 13, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Despite an infinite capacity for humor, He has His limits.

EatsBabyDingos December 13, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Instead, ION will show a two hour video of a constipated Trump trying to take a dump.

It will be HUGE!

Fare la Volpe December 13, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Who knew Trump could fire himself?

benjo765 December 13, 2011 at 7:43 pm

I would of thought he'd of done so ages ago! Perhaps it's an especially honed skill… like self-pleasuring. I assume he can also do that – why else would he constantly look so proud of himself?

memzilla December 13, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Can't we put Donald Trump on the table with Iran, and offer to trade drones?

EatsBabyDingos December 13, 2011 at 2:48 pm

I understand the story, but why is Wonkette leading with the picture of Ham Biscuits?

Schmannnity December 13, 2011 at 2:49 pm

I am hoping Joseph Farah steps in, with the proviso that Newt and Santorum must debate while wearing Farah-styled mustaches.

Tundra Grifter December 13, 2011 at 3:21 pm

John Bolton is locked and loaded for that one.

OneYieldRegular December 13, 2011 at 2:51 pm

If everybody wants you, why isn't anybody callllllllin'?

Come here a minute December 13, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Is Ozzy Osbourne available?

Biel_ze_Bubba December 13, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Much as I'd love to see Marilyn Manson grilling Santorum, I have to admit that Ozzie would be perfect for the job.

Nothingisamiss December 13, 2011 at 2:52 pm

I have to disagree with Wonkette, jr. here. I would SO LOVE to see Chuck Norris step in and do his Christian duty by hosting this historical poop wrestle.

Barrelhse December 13, 2011 at 3:16 pm

And he could moderate with a six-gun if he can get his thumb out of his ass by then.

MOG2410 December 13, 2011 at 3:53 pm

It would be memorable. Or something.

HempDogbane December 13, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Breaking: Diane Sawyer will moderate while wearing a Warhol-style fright wig.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 13, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Hey, isn't Sarah Palin looking for a job?

Biel_ze_Bubba December 13, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Cain isn't hiring.

MOG2410 December 13, 2011 at 3:53 pm

I thought she was in a cave stirring her cauldron?

trondant December 13, 2011 at 8:00 pm

I hear Wasilla Beauty-n-Stuff needs a new anus bleacher.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 13, 2011 at 2:55 pm

So, without a moderator, will we just get two hours of Newt and Santorum mud wrestling each other? Or discussing the finer points of where Obama was born and who his real father was?

trondant December 13, 2011 at 8:01 pm

That's not mud.

SayItWithWookies December 13, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Well I hope NewsMax replaces Trump with a moderator with sufficient gravitas to represent them and the GOP field — maybe that schlubby psychic lady with the freakishly long fingernails and the Linda Tripp hair who used to go on Montel.

El Pinche December 13, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Also Victoria Jackson. She's incredibly talented and a grandma!!
*vomits*

Negropolis December 14, 2011 at 3:01 am

Slyvia Brown libel!

LOL! @ Linda Tripp hair.

Sharkey December 13, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Quick, somebody send Jim Lehrer to the rescue!

Goonemeritus December 13, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Trump is having a bad year, he has been made a laughing stock by two parties in a country that only has two parties. He should consider relocation to a country where there are better odds.

slowhansolo December 13, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Let's not get too excited. After all, Trump's already achieved his primary objective.

JustPixelz December 13, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Trump said if the wrong candidate gets nominated, he'd run as an independent. I'm sure he wouldn't have let that prejudice bias his moderating. His disciplined self-control would have prevented that.

Barrelhse December 13, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Rick's only chance for some publicity just expired. How unfortunate, as I was hoping for some laughs at his expense. This isn't just bad for Newsmax, now we all seem to be paying a price. I really NEED some laughs.

GunToting[Redacted] December 13, 2011 at 3:17 pm

YOOOOOGE!

Monsieur_Grumpe December 13, 2011 at 3:18 pm

I guess we now know how low they (the candidates) will go except for Newt and Santorum.

flamingpdog December 13, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Liquor distributors across the nation haz the sadz today.

FlownOver December 13, 2011 at 3:21 pm

I see Pat Sajak waving his hand frantically in the back of the classroom.

"Mememememe!"

Tundra Grifter December 13, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Notice how Donald Chump claims it was his choice to pull a Palin and quit.

I'd say the quasi-rational GNoPee candidates who said "No thanx" pretty much made that decision for him.

flamingpdog December 13, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Nobody wants to go to a two-ring circus, even if the ring(worm)master is the Donald.

Negropolis December 14, 2011 at 3:02 am

Well, if it's a two-ring circus, Rick Perry will have to reconsider, since he can't count to three.

Indiepalin December 13, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Luckily, Fecal Boy still plans on attending.

flamingpdog December 13, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Voicing his trademark confidence, Trump asserted that had he followed through, "I believe this would not only have been the most watched debate, but also the most substantive and interesting debate!"

Presuming that by "substantive" he means " megalomaniacal" and by "interesting", "frothy" .

Negropolis December 14, 2011 at 3:03 am

lol! "Trademark confidence". Most of us just call it shameless bullshitting.

MissTaken December 13, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Ah dang, I was really looking forward to liveblogging this debate with those holiday staples eggnog and meth.

Extemporanus December 13, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Well, I guess this means that there's no longer a reason for me to finish knitting my "Santatorum vs. The Gingrinch"-themed Christmas sweater.

(Any of you guys interested in two-and-a-half skeins of undyed virgin pubic hair?)

Callyson December 13, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Who will host the Newsmax debate instead? Let’s just say if it’s not elderly wingnut superhero Chuck Norris, then they can just cancel the motherfucking debacle already.
Glenn "You Know Who Else?" Beck or GTFO…

poorgradstudent December 13, 2011 at 3:53 pm

"America’s leading advertisement for burning all rich people to death in vats of poison waste oil"

Can I say that description of Trump gave me an erection even a video tape of Gingrich teabagging Sarah Palin cannot kill?

Walkinwiddaking December 13, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Man, that's too bad. I'm sure it would have been a "world class" debate.

Tommmcattt December 13, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Don't you mean "World Ass" Debate? Given the quality of the sounds that will issue forth from the participants, that is.

sbj1964 December 13, 2011 at 4:45 pm

So much for being a king maker Donald!

mrblifil December 13, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Maybe the moderator could be the parents of some kid killed by a drone attack. Sure they probably speak Farsi or some shit, and no the GOP doesn't "do" interpreters, but the winner of the debate could be the one who figures out most closely what they are trying to ask.

Tommmcattt December 13, 2011 at 5:30 pm

This guys lives in his own world, doesn't her. DONALD, YOU ARE A SERIAL BANKRUPT AND WANING REALITY TV STAR. STOP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF, FOOL!

donner_froh December 13, 2011 at 6:00 pm

America’s leading advertisement for burning all rich people to death in vats of poison waste oil

In this case it would be OK to use a few drums of super expensive premium gasoline.

Bots Meat Commission December 13, 2011 at 6:08 pm

The shortlist for a replacement moderator:

Orly Taitz
Victoria Jackson
Steve Doocey
Herman Cain's jump-off

benjo765 December 13, 2011 at 7:50 pm

…But without the amphitheater of public debate, how will these great minds of our time further refine their philosophies and ideas?

Beowoof December 13, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Now if NBC would do the same with his shitty TV show, and replace it with curling, I might even consider watching on a Sunday evening.

ttommyunger December 13, 2011 at 10:37 pm

Toby Keith and Ted (Tiny Goober) Nugent are jumping up and down with their hands in the air shouting "Me, me, me!".

Negropolis December 14, 2011 at 3:01 am

Shit that wingnut bastard back up the Canada, is what I say.

actor212 December 13, 2011 at 3:08 pm

What? I'm just saying it's clearly not in their wheel house! Wonkette is a sassy pert snark blog, not a cooking show, and Newsmax is…well….ummmmm….well, it's not a political site, that's fer damned sure.

Negropolis December 14, 2011 at 2:57 am

Have you not seen the recipes on here? Outside of snark, this may as well be a food blog so many recipes fly around this place.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: