the king of comedy

Parody Human Donald Trump Drops Out of His Own Dumb GOP Debate

Back to getting pummeled on celebrity wrestling shows, we guess ....Donald Trump, America’s leading advertisement for burning all rich people to death in vats of poison waste oil, has bravely decided to follow all the GOP candidates for president by dropping out of the clown-show Republican debate he was scheduled to host. This is an unmitigated tragedy for political comedy and the “post-Xmas doldrums,” but Trump hates America and he obviously hates comedy, so these are the breaks. According to the Fox News Twitter Channel (?), Trump just put out this statement: “I have decided not to be the moderator of the Newsmax debate.” NOOOOOOOOOO.

Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman, “the candidates with some kind of basic standards,” immediately refused to participate in the idiot Newsmax/Home Shopping Channel reality show when it was first announced, on December 2. Even Michele Bachmann said no, despite this being the perfect platform for a delusional pill-popping idiot like Bachmann. And, we can only assume, Mitt Romney eventually “changed his position” as he does about everything and decided not to take part, because nobody else was taking part. Newt Gingrich heard there would be two bathrooms just for him and his poop, so he signed on. (Plus, he was probably offered some gift cards to Applebee’s and maybe a lucrative consulting contract with the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.) Eventually, there was no choice for Trump but to refuse to appear on the debate that he himself was hosting.

Anyway, the dream is over. Who will host the Newsmax debate instead? Let’s just say if it’s not elderly wingnut superhero Chuck Norris, then they can just cancel the motherfucking debacle already. [Twitter?]

About the author

Wonkette Jr., everybody! Hooray!

View all articles by Wonkette Jr.

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • DrunkIrishman

    That's okay, Newt will go find a lamppost to yell at.

    • Biff

      Newt should be hanging from a lamppost, by his feet.

    • voodooeconomics

      or to pee on it..by lifting his right leg..

  • johnnymeatworth

    So he fired himself?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Trump to Newsmax: "You're fired!"

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Pity pwoooh Newsmax. They just don't get any respect… nor should they.

  • x111e7thst

    Republican Presidential Candidates are pretend people.

    • benjo765

      but if only their decision-making powers were equally pretend when elected we'd be a couple of trillion less in debt!

  • teebob2000

    Obviously, Wink Martindale will now step in.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Tic Tac Dough libel!!!11!!!

      (Yes, I'm really aging myself here.)

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Pat Sajak. He's wingnutty as they are.

    • Barrelhse

      Why does that name remind me of a mare?

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        Ha! Youre thinking of a martingale!

    • flamingpdog

      Alex Trebek has little tolerance for teh stoopid, and a friend of mine who watches Jeopardy on a regular basis says he has been especially on-the-rag lately.

    • Negropolis

      I'm hanging out for Don Cornelius, myself.

  • Barb

    He can still be the spokesman for Cialis for daily use, right?

    • prommie

      If Trump didn't use Cialis, he would slump to the floor, helpless and flaccid, like a beached jellyfish.

      • Nothingisamiss

        Why did you put this picture in my head??!!!!?!

      • Callyson

        Quit giving the latest Mrs Trump false hope…

    • flamingpdog

      That would be a hairpeen-raising experience.

    • Nostrildamus

      You can't yell Socialism without Cialis.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I guess this answers the age-old question, "What if they gave a debate and nobody came, not even the moderator?"

    • OneYieldRegular

      It also answers the question, "What if you gave a party and the only guest to show up was Rick Santorum?" Awkward!

  • RadioYKWE

    This is obviously Obama's fault.

    • AlterNewt

      Once again you have zeroed in on the meat of the thing.

  • Joshua Norton

    The real reason Newt wants 2 bathrooms is so he can cheat on the first one.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    Quitter! Now where's the Donald Trump caganer?

    • dadanarchist

      The designers had one in production, but it was too difficult to depict the Donald pooping on his own head, so it has been discontinued until further advances in clay technology.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Check his hotel room – at a certain time in the morning.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Well, at least now The Donald has time to go get the badger on his head vaccinated. It looks like it's due.

    • SorosBot

      That's not a badger, it's a tribble,

  • Blueb4sunrise

    I suggest that they air 2 hours of Kortney mouthing a cucumber.

    • Tundra Grifter

      I'll bet Olivia Munn can handle a zuke. Or two.

    • prommie

      Can I provide the "cucumber?"

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Let’s just say if it’s not elderly wingnut superhero Chuck Norris, then they can just cancel the motherfucking debacle already. "

    Chuck Norris is a hunter. But Chuck Norris does not hunt. Hunting would imply the possibility of failure. There are 10 million people in World of Statecraft, because Chuck Norris allows them to live!

    • MOG2410

      That commercial………argghhhh.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Newsmax hosting a political debate is like, I dunno, Wonkette hosting America's Top Chef.

    • Limeylizzie

      Wonkette has ace baker Dustbowlblues.

      • prommie

        You never seen my foodblog.

      • Biff

        And cranberry business, also.

        • MissTaken

          And some halved Brussels sprouts under the broiler, too.

    • Callyson

      Well, I think there are a lot of dudes here who would like something that Kortney cooks up…

    • MOG2410

      Having just finished putting the finishing touches on 14 boxes of homemade cookies (including two without nuts – no snark) to take to UPS, I resent that, sir!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Consider the delivery crunch this time of year, you may have to resent those, yes.

        • MOG2410

          Nah, the Brown will get them there.

      • finallyhappy

        Hope you got my address correct this time!

    • ThundercatHo

      I personally loathe, hate and detest cooking and my wonderful hubby is whipping up dinner as I type. However, I did make 9 dozen jars of homemade jam, 2 dozen of homemade salsa, 3 doz. pickled beets and 2 doz. peaches. I have 1 more batch of drunk peach jam to go after I bottle up my homemade peach liqueur.

  • GOPCrusher

    Maybe they can use the air time to show a Best Of episode of Wrestlemania?

    • BarackMyWorld

      Or a special tribute to every pro-wrestler who was dead by the age of 40…but they'd need a way bigger time slot.

  • memzilla

    Audience research showed that a black-and-white Indian head test pattern would get higher ratings than this debate. And make more sense.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    In a rare bit of honesty from Trump, Donald claimed hat he more important things to do. First on the list was washing his hair.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Does he put it in with the whites or the colors?

      • Negropolis

        Well, being the best friend of The Blacks, he wouldn't mind putting it in with the coloreds, but her prefers the whites.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      He doesn't send it out for cleaning?

    • MOG2410

      As Bette Davis once said, "I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair".

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      Jeez, who wrote that gibberish? I'm firing my editor.
      In the voice of Jetson's Mr. Spacely…

      "Grumpe!!!!! You're fired!!!!"

      • Beowoof

        Oh I feel your pain, my fingers never can keep up with the race of snarky thoughts.

    • MzNicky

      That's not hair! That's the Donald's pet meerkat.

  • freakishlywrong

    Please Santa. Time Machine. Pronto.

  • BarackMyWorld
  • SorosBot

    Aw now how is the Donald going to abuse the election to pimp his stupid TV show?

  • http://wonkette.com ShitFilledExistence

    Trump should get a Bob Schieffer mask and fool everybody–get them all there then rip it off revealing his dumb ass as the moderator.

  • nounverb911

    Now he has more time to tend to his pet gerbils.

  • DaRooster

    I see from the picture that he really does have a good relationship with the blacks…

  • memzilla

    Although it would have been nice to have seen Rethuglicans spewing and salivating to kiss Trump's a**hole with regressive policy statements, thus further alienating themselves from the 99%. Oh wait, that's why we have Congress.

  • lefty74

    Huge!

  • WhatTheHeck

    The republicans would be better served having Donald Duck hosssssting their debatessssssss. The duck is the wiser of the two. And funnier.

  • SexySmurf

    Bad news for ION Television, good news for people who enjoy reruns of Without a Trace.

  • Baconzgood

    He still should have had it. I mean no one watches his TV show and he still puts THAT on. Why not the GOP debate?

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Hair today, moan tomorrow.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe Newsmax can hire as moderator that Obama impersonator that used to show up on those Fox News strawman segments they used to run. He's probably available.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The last time they put the impersonator guy on stage, he pretty much WON the debate. We won't be seeing him again any time soon.

  • MiniMencken

    So, maybe, there is a God?

    • Biff

      According to the JW's I had to run off this morning, yes.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Despite an infinite capacity for humor, He has His limits.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Instead, ION will show a two hour video of a constipated Trump trying to take a dump.

    It will be HUGE!

  • Fare la Volpe

    Who knew Trump could fire himself?

    • benjo765

      I would of thought he'd of done so ages ago! Perhaps it's an especially honed skill… like self-pleasuring. I assume he can also do that – why else would he constantly look so proud of himself?

  • memzilla

    Can't we put Donald Trump on the table with Iran, and offer to trade drones?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I understand the story, but why is Wonkette leading with the picture of Ham Biscuits?

  • Schmannnity

    I am hoping Joseph Farah steps in, with the proviso that Newt and Santorum must debate while wearing Farah-styled mustaches.

    • Tundra Grifter

      John Bolton is locked and loaded for that one.

  • OneYieldRegular

    If everybody wants you, why isn't anybody callllllllin'?

  • Come here a minute

    Is Ozzy Osbourne available?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Much as I'd love to see Marilyn Manson grilling Santorum, I have to admit that Ozzie would be perfect for the job.

  • Nothingisamiss

    I have to disagree with Wonkette, jr. here. I would SO LOVE to see Chuck Norris step in and do his Christian duty by hosting this historical poop wrestle.

    • Barrelhse

      And he could moderate with a six-gun if he can get his thumb out of his ass by then.

    • MOG2410

      It would be memorable. Or something.

  • HempDogbane

    Breaking: Diane Sawyer will moderate while wearing a Warhol-style fright wig.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Hey, isn't Sarah Palin looking for a job?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Cain isn't hiring.

    • MOG2410

      I thought she was in a cave stirring her cauldron?

    • trondant

      I hear Wasilla Beauty-n-Stuff needs a new anus bleacher.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, without a moderator, will we just get two hours of Newt and Santorum mud wrestling each other? Or discussing the finer points of where Obama was born and who his real father was?

    • trondant

      That's not mud.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Well I hope NewsMax replaces Trump with a moderator with sufficient gravitas to represent them and the GOP field — maybe that schlubby psychic lady with the freakishly long fingernails and the Linda Tripp hair who used to go on Montel.

    • El Pinche

      Also Victoria Jackson. She's incredibly talented and a grandma!!
      *vomits*

    • Negropolis

      Slyvia Brown libel!

      LOL! @ Linda Tripp hair.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Quick, somebody send Jim Lehrer to the rescue!

  • Goonemeritus

    Trump is having a bad year, he has been made a laughing stock by two parties in a country that only has two parties. He should consider relocation to a country where there are better odds.

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Let's not get too excited. After all, Trump's already achieved his primary objective.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Trump said if the wrong candidate gets nominated, he'd run as an independent. I'm sure he wouldn't have let that prejudice bias his moderating. His disciplined self-control would have prevented that.

  • Barrelhse

    Rick's only chance for some publicity just expired. How unfortunate, as I was hoping for some laughs at his expense. This isn't just bad for Newsmax, now we all seem to be paying a price. I really NEED some laughs.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    YOOOOOGE!

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I guess we now know how low they (the candidates) will go except for Newt and Santorum.

  • flamingpdog

    Liquor distributors across the nation haz the sadz today.

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    I see Pat Sajak waving his hand frantically in the back of the classroom.

    "Mememememe!"

  • Tundra Grifter

    Notice how Donald Chump claims it was his choice to pull a Palin and quit.

    I'd say the quasi-rational GNoPee candidates who said "No thanx" pretty much made that decision for him.

  • flamingpdog

    Nobody wants to go to a two-ring circus, even if the ring(worm)master is the Donald.

    • Negropolis

      Well, if it's a two-ring circus, Rick Perry will have to reconsider, since he can't count to three.

  • Indiepalin

    Luckily, Fecal Boy still plans on attending.

  • flamingpdog

    Voicing his trademark confidence, Trump asserted that had he followed through, "I believe this would not only have been the most watched debate, but also the most substantive and interesting debate!"

    Presuming that by "substantive" he means " megalomaniacal" and by "interesting", "frothy" .

    • Negropolis

      lol! "Trademark confidence". Most of us just call it shameless bullshitting.

  • MissTaken

    Ah dang, I was really looking forward to liveblogging this debate with those holiday staples eggnog and meth.

  • Extemporanus

    Well, I guess this means that there's no longer a reason for me to finish knitting my "Santatorum vs. The Gingrinch"-themed Christmas sweater.

    (Any of you guys interested in two-and-a-half skeins of undyed virgin pubic hair?)

  • Callyson

    Who will host the Newsmax debate instead? Let’s just say if it’s not elderly wingnut superhero Chuck Norris, then they can just cancel the motherfucking debacle already.
    Glenn "You Know Who Else?" Beck or GTFO…

  • poorgradstudent

    "America’s leading advertisement for burning all rich people to death in vats of poison waste oil"

    Can I say that description of Trump gave me an erection even a video tape of Gingrich teabagging Sarah Palin cannot kill?

  • Walkinwiddaking

    Man, that's too bad. I'm sure it would have been a "world class" debate.

    • Tommmcattt

      Don't you mean "World Ass" Debate? Given the quality of the sounds that will issue forth from the participants, that is.

  • sbj1964

    So much for being a king maker Donald!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Maybe the moderator could be the parents of some kid killed by a drone attack. Sure they probably speak Farsi or some shit, and no the GOP doesn't "do" interpreters, but the winner of the debate could be the one who figures out most closely what they are trying to ask.

  • Tommmcattt

    This guys lives in his own world, doesn't her. DONALD, YOU ARE A SERIAL BANKRUPT AND WANING REALITY TV STAR. STOP EMBARRASSING YOURSELF, FOOL!

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    America’s leading advertisement for burning all rich people to death in vats of poison waste oil

    In this case it would be OK to use a few drums of super expensive premium gasoline.

  • Bots Meat Commission

    The shortlist for a replacement moderator:

    Orly Taitz
    Victoria Jackson
    Steve Doocey
    Herman Cain's jump-off

  • benjo765

    …But without the amphitheater of public debate, how will these great minds of our time further refine their philosophies and ideas?

  • Beowoof

    Now if NBC would do the same with his shitty TV show, and replace it with curling, I might even consider watching on a Sunday evening.

  • ttommyunger

    Toby Keith and Ted (Tiny Goober) Nugent are jumping up and down with their hands in the air shouting "Me, me, me!".

  • Negropolis

    Shit that wingnut bastard back up the Canada, is what I say.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    What? I'm just saying it's clearly not in their wheel house! Wonkette is a sassy pert snark blog, not a cooking show, and Newsmax is…well….ummmmm….well, it's not a political site, that's fer damned sure.

  • Negropolis

    Have you not seen the recipes on here? Outside of snark, this may as well be a food blog so many recipes fly around this place.