the king of comedy

Parody Human Donald Trump Drops Out of His Own Dumb GOP Debate

Back to getting pummeled on celebrity wrestling shows, we guess ....Donald Trump, America’s leading advertisement for burning all rich people to death in vats of poison waste oil, has bravely decided to follow all the GOP candidates for president by dropping out of the clown-show Republican debate he was scheduled to host. This is an unmitigated tragedy for political comedy and the “post-Xmas doldrums,” but Trump hates America and he obviously hates comedy, so these are the breaks. According to the Fox News Twitter Channel (?), Trump just put out this statement: “I have decided not to be the moderator of the Newsmax debate.” NOOOOOOOOOO.

Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman, “the candidates with some kind of basic standards,” immediately refused to participate in the idiot Newsmax/Home Shopping Channel reality show when it was first announced, on December 2. Even Michele Bachmann said no, despite this being the perfect platform for a delusional pill-popping idiot like Bachmann. And, we can only assume, Mitt Romney eventually “changed his position” as he does about everything and decided not to take part, because nobody else was taking part. Newt Gingrich heard there would be two bathrooms just for him and his poop, so he signed on. (Plus, he was probably offered some gift cards to Applebee’s and maybe a lucrative consulting contract with the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.) Eventually, there was no choice for Trump but to refuse to appear on the debate that he himself was hosting.

Anyway, the dream is over. Who will host the Newsmax debate instead? Let’s just say if it’s not elderly wingnut superhero Chuck Norris, then they can just cancel the motherfucking debacle already. [Twitter?]

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    1. benjo765

      but if only their decision-making powers were equally pretend when elected we'd be a couple of trillion less in debt!

    1. flamingpdog

      Alex Trebek has little tolerance for teh stoopid, and a friend of mine who watches Jeopardy on a regular basis says he has been especially on-the-rag lately.

    1. prommie

      If Trump didn't use Cialis, he would slump to the floor, helpless and flaccid, like a beached jellyfish.

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    I guess this answers the age-old question, "What if they gave a debate and nobody came, not even the moderator?"

    1. OneYieldRegular

      It also answers the question, "What if you gave a party and the only guest to show up was Rick Santorum?" Awkward!

    1. dadanarchist

      The designers had one in production, but it was too difficult to depict the Donald pooping on his own head, so it has been discontinued until further advances in clay technology.

  2. Texan_Bulldog

    Well, at least now The Donald has time to go get the badger on his head vaccinated. It looks like it's due.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    "Let’s just say if it’s not elderly wingnut superhero Chuck Norris, then they can just cancel the motherfucking debacle already. "

    Chuck Norris is a hunter. But Chuck Norris does not hunt. Hunting would imply the possibility of failure. There are 10 million people in World of Statecraft, because Chuck Norris allows them to live!

    1. MOG2410

      Having just finished putting the finishing touches on 14 boxes of homemade cookies (including two without nuts – no snark) to take to UPS, I resent that, sir!

    2. ThundercatHo

      I personally loathe, hate and detest cooking and my wonderful hubby is whipping up dinner as I type. However, I did make 9 dozen jars of homemade jam, 2 dozen of homemade salsa, 3 doz. pickled beets and 2 doz. peaches. I have 1 more batch of drunk peach jam to go after I bottle up my homemade peach liqueur.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Or a special tribute to every pro-wrestler who was dead by the age of 40…but they'd need a way bigger time slot.

  4. memzilla

    Audience research showed that a black-and-white Indian head test pattern would get higher ratings than this debate. And make more sense.

      1. Negropolis

        Well, being the best friend of The Blacks, he wouldn't mind putting it in with the coloreds, but her prefers the whites.

  5. memzilla

    Although it would have been nice to have seen Rethuglicans spewing and salivating to kiss Trump's a**hole with regressive policy statements, thus further alienating themselves from the 99%. Oh wait, that's why we have Congress.

  6. WhatTheHeck

    The republicans would be better served having Donald Duck hosssssting their debatessssssss. The duck is the wiser of the two. And funnier.

  7. Baconzgood

    He still should have had it. I mean no one watches his TV show and he still puts THAT on. Why not the GOP debate?

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe Newsmax can hire as moderator that Obama impersonator that used to show up on those Fox News strawman segments they used to run. He's probably available.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      The last time they put the impersonator guy on stage, he pretty much WON the debate. We won't be seeing him again any time soon.

  9. EatsBabyDingos

    Instead, ION will show a two hour video of a constipated Trump trying to take a dump.

    It will be HUGE!

    1. benjo765

      I would of thought he'd of done so ages ago! Perhaps it's an especially honed skill… like self-pleasuring. I assume he can also do that – why else would he constantly look so proud of himself?

  10. Schmannnity

    I am hoping Joseph Farah steps in, with the proviso that Newt and Santorum must debate while wearing Farah-styled mustaches.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Much as I'd love to see Marilyn Manson grilling Santorum, I have to admit that Ozzie would be perfect for the job.

  11. Nothingisamiss

    I have to disagree with Wonkette, jr. here. I would SO LOVE to see Chuck Norris step in and do his Christian duty by hosting this historical poop wrestle.

  12. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, without a moderator, will we just get two hours of Newt and Santorum mud wrestling each other? Or discussing the finer points of where Obama was born and who his real father was?

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Well I hope NewsMax replaces Trump with a moderator with sufficient gravitas to represent them and the GOP field — maybe that schlubby psychic lady with the freakishly long fingernails and the Linda Tripp hair who used to go on Montel.

  14. Goonemeritus

    Trump is having a bad year, he has been made a laughing stock by two parties in a country that only has two parties. He should consider relocation to a country where there are better odds.

  15. JustPixelz

    Trump said if the wrong candidate gets nominated, he'd run as an independent. I'm sure he wouldn't have let that prejudice bias his moderating. His disciplined self-control would have prevented that.

  16. Barrelhse

    Rick's only chance for some publicity just expired. How unfortunate, as I was hoping for some laughs at his expense. This isn't just bad for Newsmax, now we all seem to be paying a price. I really NEED some laughs.

  17. Tundra Grifter

    Notice how Donald Chump claims it was his choice to pull a Palin and quit.

    I'd say the quasi-rational GNoPee candidates who said "No thanx" pretty much made that decision for him.

    1. Negropolis

      Well, if it's a two-ring circus, Rick Perry will have to reconsider, since he can't count to three.

  18. flamingpdog

    Voicing his trademark confidence, Trump asserted that had he followed through, "I believe this would not only have been the most watched debate, but also the most substantive and interesting debate!"

    Presuming that by "substantive" he means " megalomaniacal" and by "interesting", "frothy" .

  19. MissTaken

    Ah dang, I was really looking forward to liveblogging this debate with those holiday staples eggnog and meth.

  20. Extemporanus

    Well, I guess this means that there's no longer a reason for me to finish knitting my "Santatorum vs. The Gingrinch"-themed Christmas sweater.

    (Any of you guys interested in two-and-a-half skeins of undyed virgin pubic hair?)

  21. Callyson

    Who will host the Newsmax debate instead? Let’s just say if it’s not elderly wingnut superhero Chuck Norris, then they can just cancel the motherfucking debacle already.
    Glenn "You Know Who Else?" Beck or GTFO…

  22. poorgradstudent

    "America’s leading advertisement for burning all rich people to death in vats of poison waste oil"

    Can I say that description of Trump gave me an erection even a video tape of Gingrich teabagging Sarah Palin cannot kill?

    1. Tommmcattt

      Don't you mean "World Ass" Debate? Given the quality of the sounds that will issue forth from the participants, that is.

  23. mrblifil

    Maybe the moderator could be the parents of some kid killed by a drone attack. Sure they probably speak Farsi or some shit, and no the GOP doesn't "do" interpreters, but the winner of the debate could be the one who figures out most closely what they are trying to ask.

  24. Tommmcattt


  25. donner_froh

    America’s leading advertisement for burning all rich people to death in vats of poison waste oil

    In this case it would be OK to use a few drums of super expensive premium gasoline.

  26. Bots Meat Commission

    The shortlist for a replacement moderator:

    Orly Taitz
    Victoria Jackson
    Steve Doocey
    Herman Cain's jump-off

  27. benjo765

    …But without the amphitheater of public debate, how will these great minds of our time further refine their philosophies and ideas?

  28. Beowoof

    Now if NBC would do the same with his shitty TV show, and replace it with curling, I might even consider watching on a Sunday evening.

  29. ttommyunger

    Toby Keith and Ted (Tiny Goober) Nugent are jumping up and down with their hands in the air shouting "Me, me, me!".

  30. actor212

    What? I'm just saying it's clearly not in their wheel house! Wonkette is a sassy pert snark blog, not a cooking show, and Newsmax is…well….ummmmm….well, it's not a political site, that's fer damned sure.

  31. Negropolis

    Have you not seen the recipes on here? Outside of snark, this may as well be a food blog so many recipes fly around this place.

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