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The Iraq War Is Sort of Over, Just In Time For Roger Ailes To Write a Book About How Awesome It Was

GOODBYE SORT OFNEW YORK—The gloves are off at the head of the pack in the GOP primary, with Gingrich and Romney trading blows on the campaign trail yesterday. And things are getting fun! Romney called on Newt to return the $1.6 million the latter earned doing history for Freddie Mac, which: yes! But then? Newt responded by saying he’d entertain this if and only if “Governor Romney would like to give back all the money he’s earned bankrupting companies and laying off employees over his years.” Which: also yes!! You guys just keep on being you, Newt Romney.

But! This is all beside the point of course, because we’re entering that stage of the silly season when candidates start talking about how all they want is a Positive Campaign and how the party can’t win the general if the candidates Go Negative and newspapers start asking readers how they feel about Negative Attacks. Moral of the story: *rolls eyes*.

The Supremes have agreed to hear arguments in Arizona’s controversial immigration law—but look, we just did that thing that everyone always does, calling this terrible thing “controversial,” a word that suggests both sides of the debate here hold water. Which of course is ridiculous, because this thing isn’t very controversial at all, just plain stupid. But anyway! The court’s decision to hear arguments on this will only further politicize their docket in advance of the 2012 election, a docket which already includes hearings on the Affordable Care Act. Prepare to hear even more about nine (or eight, depending!) unelected and unaccountable justices legislating from the bench.

Occupiers staged a west coast port shutdown yesterday, successfully stopping business at ports in California and Washington. Across the country, Baltimore city police moved in this morning to evict Occupiers from McKeldin Square. Reports suggest the eviction went as peacefully as these things can go, which is nice. Though media outlets have now officially run out of opportunities to refer to the McKeldin Park occupation as Hamsterdam (we’re divided on whether this would have been amazing or awful).

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President Obama and Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki met in Washington yesterday to talk postwar stuff, and we just want to say what a nice thing it is to be regularly hearing this word “postwar,” however qualified it may be.

Now even though the war in Iraq is “over” that’s not going to stop Blackwater—the private security contracting firm and PR disaster formerly known as “Xe,” recently rebranded to “Academi”—which evidently wants back in after the Nisour Square shootout (massacre? massacre.) left seventeen civilians dead. Blackwater’s made a few big hires of late, including former Attorney General John Ashcroft and, in the role of CEO, Kellogg Brown & Root veteran Ted Wright. As Spencer Ackerman points out, asked yesterday, “Notice a pattern? All have deep experience with crisis management… All of those hires either worked in senior government positions or worked closely with those who did. That signals confidence in the company’s traditional business — getting big government contracts to protect diplomats, aid workers and even the military in dangerous places.”

So, LOL: FOX News head honcho Roger Ailes is writing a memoir! As Gabriel Sherman notes at New York, “Ailes’s decision to write an autobiography could have serious implications for both Fox News and the future of the Republican Party… The fact that Ailes is working on a book suggests that he may be thinking of stepping down following this presidential election, when his contract expires in summer 2013.”

And it looks like the Times got self-aware today: “Millionaires on Food Stamps and Jobless Pay? G.O.P. Is on It” reads today’s story on the GOP plan to subsidize a middle class tax cut by denying foodstamps and unemployment benefits to millionaires. We can’t wait to see what will happen when @NYTOnIt tweets about it.

[READ MORE AT THE GIFZETTE.]

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66 comments

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    Said Erik Prince, "If Academi (♫ The right guns, the right price ♪) doesn't work as the new name of my company, we'll go the "truth in labeling" route and try "Kill You All."

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    In a campaign shit-flinging competition between Newt and Mitt, both sides have a bottomless pit of ammunition. This should get interesting.

    1. MrFizzy

      The trouble is the collateral damage if either one of those no-account assholes ever gets to be president.

  3. MildMidwesterner

    "…GOP plan to subsidize a middle class tax cut by denying foodstamps and unemployment benefits to millionaires."

    The GOP also plans to balance the budget by denying pre- and post-natal medicaid benefits to men of all income levels.

    1. freakishlywrong

      I hear us poors are also going to get a break on our dividends and capitol interest rates too. Also.

  4. Steverino247

    “They are the reason that we can stand here today,” Obama said. “And we owe it to every single one of them — we have a moral obligation to all of them — to build a future worthy of their sacrifice.”

    Thanks, Mr. President, but let me add that we also have a moral obligation to bring to justice those who perpetrated this unjust war and lied to the men and women they sent to fight in it. If it's not a crime now for a Commander-in-Chief to send troops to die for what he knew to be a lie, then it should be in the future.

  5. Mumbletypeg

    I'm still holding off on an opinion until we've heard what Higgs Boson has to say about all this.
    Although: anagram of Higgs Boson >> Bossing Hogg, so maybe I should declare Roger Ailes the winner of mundanity here (is 'mundanity' a word? does mundane have a noun derivative, apart from that loathsome sack of poop?)

  6. SorosBot

    So what will Ailes title his new memoirs? If I were him I'd go with "Confessions of a Boot-Licking Toady Who Will Be First Against the Wall When the Revolution Comes".

      1. Not_So_Much

        Let's force them to make out before that whole 'wall' thing happens. May as well send them to Hell sobbing and soiled…

    1. DetectiveGrey

      Curiously, a ripple in time caused a future second edition of Ailes' memoir to come back to the present, titled "Confessions of a Boot-Licking Toady Who Was The First Against The Wall When The Revolution Came".

  7. Mort_Sinclair

    Blackwater changes name to Xe changes name to Academi. Clearly the basics of phonetics in English are meaningless to these people as are the basics of ethics and morals. Name change translation: we've committed a horrific mass murder/rape somewhere in the world and we're trying to cover our tracks.

    1. Not_So_Much

      They wanted to go with 'Qqxwerr', but Erik Prince uses his left hand to spank it to barnyard pron and didn't want to make that much of a keyboard commitment.

  8. Rosie_Scenario

    "The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich and the poor alike to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread." Anatole France.

  9. freakishlywrong

    “Ailes’s decision to write an autobiography could have serious implications for both Fox News and the future of the Republican Party… The fact that Ailes is working on a book suggests that he may be thinking of stepping down following this presidential election, when his contract expires in summer 2013.”

    Has anyone asked Jake Tapper to comment on this?

  10. Allmighty_Manos

    "the GOP plan to subsidize a middle class tax cut by denying foodstamps and unemployment benefits to millionaires."

    Why do Republicans hate the job creators?

  11. plinkleton

    Gosh, now I want to go to post war Iraq and visit The World's Biggest Monumental George W Bush Iraq Embassy and ride the Commander Codpiece Mission Accomplished Water Slide, that I've heard so much about .

  12. DahBoner

    How I Singlehandedly Destroyed The American Middle Class By Getting Brain-dead Sacks of Shit Elected and Then Brainwashing The Ignorant Goobers Into Supporting No Taxes for Trust Fund Babies Whose Mommies and Daddies Were Rich

    Now THATS some fancy book-learnin!

  13. EatsBabyDingos

    Called "The Wit and Wisdom of Roger Ailes," it will be ghost written by Bazooka Joe. It will be a small tome, and suitable as a stocking stuffer for rats.

  14. DaRooster

    Mitt, you should give back $1 for every job you exported… oh yeah… you only have 200 or so million.

  15. BZ1

    "The Supremes have agreed to hear arguments in Arizona’s controversial immigration law …" Diana Ross is sure getting presumptuous ….

  16. sbj1964

    The candidates are like reality show contestants we should put them all in a hot tub,and the winner gets to date America till we give the Rose to Obama.

  17. LiveToServeYa

    'Poop-Bucket' Mitt's just jealous of Newt's two toilets, and who wouldn't be? That's the way it is in the US: some people have two toilets while others have to poop in a cardboard box. We all just want a warm place to shit.

  18. kissawookiee

    The only reason "Academi" barely merits a half-raised eyebrow from me is because it fits perfectly into recent Southern Evangelical trends in creative name spelling. It does sound worryingly French or Solyndrish or something, though.

  19. Mahousu

    “Notice a pattern? All have deep experience with crisis management …"

    That's the advantage of working for an administration that was constantly screwing things up.

  20. Dashboard Buddha

    No snark: I am pleased to see that Sotomayor recused herself. Yes, I think her vote will be missed by the forces of Good…but it's the right thing to do.

    I can only hope that other justices will be inspired to follow her example when faced with a conflict of interest.

    …ahh, who the fuck am I kidding?

  21. Midway117

    Will Roger Ailes do his deathbed turnaround (a la Lee Atwater — didn't remember his name and had to Google the fucker!) now so he can actually make some cash off of it?

  22. ttommyunger

    Fuck Roger and Dubya, Cheney and the lot. My son is Stateside now after his second tour in that shithole. He came out decorated and promoted to Major, while so many have come out maimed or dead. I feel simultaneously blessed and guilty. I do despise cheerleaders for war.

  23. Negropolis

    There are few companies more cartoonishly loathsome than Blackwater. They'll always be Blackwater; they could change their name to Pupppies, Kittens & OMG!, Inc. and they'd still be the embodiement of earthly evil. Erik Prince might as well be called Erik Prince of Darkness. His wacky-assed sister was the head of the GOP here in Michigan for a time, and thank god for her knack at being able to lose, 'cause she was as bad as the best of the conservative creeps.

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