GIFZETTE DAILY BRIEFING  8:24 am December 13, 2011

The Iraq War Is Sort of Over, Just In Time For Roger Ailes To Write a Book About How Awesome It Was

by Matt Langer

GOODBYE SORT OFNEW YORK—The gloves are off at the head of the pack in the GOP primary, with Gingrich and Romney trading blows on the campaign trail yesterday. And things are getting fun! Romney called on Newt to return the $1.6 million the latter earned doing history for Freddie Mac, which: yes! But then? Newt responded by saying he’d entertain this if and only if “Governor Romney would like to give back all the money he’s earned bankrupting companies and laying off employees over his years.” Which: also yes!! You guys just keep on being you, Newt Romney.

But! This is all beside the point of course, because we’re entering that stage of the silly season when candidates start talking about how all they want is a Positive Campaign and how the party can’t win the general if the candidates Go Negative and newspapers start asking readers how they feel about Negative Attacks. Moral of the story: *rolls eyes*.

The Supremes have agreed to hear arguments in Arizona’s controversial immigration law—but look, we just did that thing that everyone always does, calling this terrible thing “controversial,” a word that suggests both sides of the debate here hold water. Which of course is ridiculous, because this thing isn’t very controversial at all, just plain stupid. But anyway! The court’s decision to hear arguments on this will only further politicize their docket in advance of the 2012 election, a docket which already includes hearings on the Affordable Care Act. Prepare to hear even more about nine (or eight, depending!) unelected and unaccountable justices legislating from the bench.

Occupiers staged a west coast port shutdown yesterday, successfully stopping business at ports in California and Washington. Across the country, Baltimore city police moved in this morning to evict Occupiers from McKeldin Square. Reports suggest the eviction went as peacefully as these things can go, which is nice. Though media outlets have now officially run out of opportunities to refer to the McKeldin Park occupation as Hamsterdam (we’re divided on whether this would have been amazing or awful).

President Obama and Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki met in Washington yesterday to talk postwar stuff, and we just want to say what a nice thing it is to be regularly hearing this word “postwar,” however qualified it may be.

Now even though the war in Iraq is “over” that’s not going to stop Blackwater—the private security contracting firm and PR disaster formerly known as “Xe,” recently rebranded to “Academi”—which evidently wants back in after the Nisour Square shootout (massacre? massacre.) left seventeen civilians dead. Blackwater’s made a few big hires of late, including former Attorney General John Ashcroft and, in the role of CEO, Kellogg Brown & Root veteran Ted Wright. As Spencer Ackerman points out, asked yesterday, “Notice a pattern? All have deep experience with crisis management… All of those hires either worked in senior government positions or worked closely with those who did. That signals confidence in the company’s traditional business — getting big government contracts to protect diplomats, aid workers and even the military in dangerous places.”

So, LOL: FOX News head honcho Roger Ailes is writing a memoir! As Gabriel Sherman notes at New York, “Ailes’s decision to write an autobiography could have serious implications for both Fox News and the future of the Republican Party… The fact that Ailes is working on a book suggests that he may be thinking of stepping down following this presidential election, when his contract expires in summer 2013.”

And it looks like the Times got self-aware today: “Millionaires on Food Stamps and Jobless Pay? G.O.P. Is on It” reads today’s story on the GOP plan to subsidize a middle class tax cut by denying foodstamps and unemployment benefits to millionaires. We can’t wait to see what will happen when @NYTOnIt tweets about it.

[READ MORE AT THE GIFZETTE.]

 

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{ 66 comments }

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2011 at 8:34 am

Said Erik Prince, "If Academi (♫ The right guns, the right price ♪) doesn't work as the new name of my company, we'll go the "truth in labeling" route and try "Kill You All."

Beetagger December 13, 2011 at 8:35 am

I'm sure "Academi" will be occupying Iraq for years to come. Now that Ashton is out of the picture.

Spurning Beer December 13, 2011 at 11:02 am

Ooh, there's an idea — Occupy Iraq!

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2011 at 8:38 am

"Hamsterdam?" Is that a Dutch Habitrail?

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2011 at 8:42 am

In a campaign shit-flinging competition between Newt and Mitt, both sides have a bottomless pit of ammunition. This should get interesting.

MrFizzy December 13, 2011 at 8:47 am

The trouble is the collateral damage if either one of those no-account assholes ever gets to be president.

Guppy December 13, 2011 at 9:59 am

Two bathroom's worth!

Baconzgood December 13, 2011 at 8:44 am

The Roger Ailes Story: and You Thought Bill Sikes from Oliver Twist Was a Douche Bag

MildMidwesterner December 13, 2011 at 8:44 am

"…GOP plan to subsidize a middle class tax cut by denying foodstamps and unemployment benefits to millionaires."

The GOP also plans to balance the budget by denying pre- and post-natal medicaid benefits to men of all income levels.

freakishlywrong December 13, 2011 at 8:59 am

I hear us poors are also going to get a break on our dividends and capitol interest rates too. Also.

MrFizzy December 13, 2011 at 8:46 am

Academi d'Mercenari.

Steverino247 December 13, 2011 at 8:52 am

“They are the reason that we can stand here today,” Obama said. “And we owe it to every single one of them — we have a moral obligation to all of them — to build a future worthy of their sacrifice.”

Thanks, Mr. President, but let me add that we also have a moral obligation to bring to justice those who perpetrated this unjust war and lied to the men and women they sent to fight in it. If it's not a crime now for a Commander-in-Chief to send troops to die for what he knew to be a lie, then it should be in the future.

Mumbletypeg December 13, 2011 at 9:04 am

I'm still holding off on an opinion until we've heard what Higgs Boson has to say about all this.
Although: anagram of Higgs Boson >> Bossing Hogg, so maybe I should declare Roger Ailes the winner of mundanity here (is 'mundanity' a word? does mundane have a noun derivative, apart from that loathsome sack of poop?)

SorosBot December 13, 2011 at 9:04 am

So what will Ailes title his new memoirs? If I were him I'd go with "Confessions of a Boot-Licking Toady Who Will Be First Against the Wall When the Revolution Comes".

freakishlywrong December 13, 2011 at 9:08 am

And who, really, is more repellent, him or McConnell. I literally recoil at both of them.

Not_So_Much December 13, 2011 at 9:56 am

Let's force them to make out before that whole 'wall' thing happens. May as well send them to Hell sobbing and soiled…

DetectiveGrey December 13, 2011 at 9:51 am

Curiously, a ripple in time caused a future second edition of Ailes' memoir to come back to the present, titled "Confessions of a Boot-Licking Toady Who Was The First Against The Wall When The Revolution Came".

GunToting[Redacted] December 13, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Go stick your head in a pig.

spudgun December 13, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Awesome…Douglas Adams would be pleased.

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2011 at 9:07 am

*sigh*
Another day, another bunch of stupid/evil motherfuckers in the news.

ifthethunderdontgetya December 13, 2011 at 9:07 am

Stepping down?

That pig Ailes ought to be tarred, feathered, and ridden out of town on a rail.
~

cheetojeebus December 13, 2011 at 9:15 am

retro retribution, kickin' it old skool.

Negropolis December 14, 2011 at 3:56 am

If he's lucky.

Mort_Sinclair December 13, 2011 at 9:09 am

Blackwater changes name to Xe changes name to Academi. Clearly the basics of phonetics in English are meaningless to these people as are the basics of ethics and morals. Name change translation: we've committed a horrific mass murder/rape somewhere in the world and we're trying to cover our tracks.

Not_So_Much December 13, 2011 at 9:58 am

They wanted to go with 'Qqxwerr', but Erik Prince uses his left hand to spank it to barnyard pron and didn't want to make that much of a keyboard commitment.

Rosie_Scenario December 13, 2011 at 9:09 am

"The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich and the poor alike to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread." Anatole France.

freakishlywrong December 13, 2011 at 9:09 am

“Ailes’s decision to write an autobiography could have serious implications for both Fox News and the future of the Republican Party… The fact that Ailes is working on a book suggests that he may be thinking of stepping down following this presidential election, when his contract expires in summer 2013.”

Has anyone asked Jake Tapper to comment on this?

donner_froh December 13, 2011 at 9:10 am

Postwar = kill several hundred thousand people, destroy most of the country and leave.

KenLayIsAlive December 13, 2011 at 10:43 am

They hate us for our freedom.

Goonemeritus December 13, 2011 at 9:12 am

We need Blackwater over there so they aren’t over here.

Allmighty_Manos December 13, 2011 at 9:12 am

"the GOP plan to subsidize a middle class tax cut by denying foodstamps and unemployment benefits to millionaires."

Why do Republicans hate the job creators?

donner_froh December 13, 2011 at 9:13 am

Roger Ailes stepping down? He should step up–onto a ladder so that when he is hung from a lamppost his feet have plenty of room to dangle.

plinkleton December 13, 2011 at 9:14 am

Gosh, now I want to go to post war Iraq and visit The World's Biggest Monumental George W Bush Iraq Embassy and ride the Commander Codpiece Mission Accomplished Water Slide, that I've heard so much about .

Chillwaver December 13, 2011 at 9:20 am

So when can we expect "Operation Iranian Freedom" to begin?

slithytoves December 13, 2011 at 9:21 am

Academi. Well, that's a shitload of an ironic name.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 13, 2011 at 9:21 am

Ailes is stepping down! Who will replace him?
Hitler is dead.
Satan is busy.
Palin doesn’t do actual work.

Dashboard Buddha December 13, 2011 at 9:27 am

OT, but hahahahahha…ahahahahhaha.hahahahaha
http://news.yahoo.com/talk-show-host-offers-newt-

Monsieur_Grumpe December 13, 2011 at 10:13 am

1 Million? Chicken feed. Calista will blow that in 2 minutes in a drunken Tiffany spree.

KenLayIsAlive December 13, 2011 at 10:44 am

The real joke on America here is that Michael Savage has a million dollars.

Dashboard Buddha December 13, 2011 at 10:54 am

That is truly a sobering thought.

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2011 at 10:48 am

That's one… million… dollars!

(In Dr Evil voice)

DahBoner December 13, 2011 at 9:35 am

How I Singlehandedly Destroyed The American Middle Class By Getting Brain-dead Sacks of Shit Elected and Then Brainwashing The Ignorant Goobers Into Supporting No Taxes for Trust Fund Babies Whose Mommies and Daddies Were Rich

Now THATS some fancy book-learnin!

Biff December 13, 2011 at 11:52 am

That's Academi!

johnnyzhivago December 13, 2011 at 9:38 am

More likely Blackwater is looking for contracts to protect politicians and businessmen from angry mobs in the USA!

Oblios_Cap December 13, 2011 at 10:43 am

It's good to see that psychotic sociopaths have job opportunities, too.

EatsBabyDingos December 13, 2011 at 9:40 am

Called "The Wit and Wisdom of Roger Ailes," it will be ghost written by Bazooka Joe. It will be a small tome, and suitable as a stocking stuffer for rats.

not that Dewey December 13, 2011 at 10:32 am

"The Width and Wisdom of Roger Ailes"

KenLayIsAlive December 13, 2011 at 10:44 am

We'll leave Sarah to explain about the girth, I suppose.

ew.

not that Dewey December 13, 2011 at 10:49 am

Bouncy bouncy!

[worst porn ever]

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2011 at 10:46 am

Bazooka Joe? I thought maybe Pud would be more appropriate.

DaRooster December 13, 2011 at 9:42 am

Mitt, you should give back $1 for every job you exported… oh yeah… you only have 200 or so million.

tcaalaw December 13, 2011 at 9:51 am

Those are some sharp words between Mitt and Newt. Could it be the bloom is coming off their love?

BZ1 December 13, 2011 at 10:04 am

"The Supremes have agreed to hear arguments in Arizona’s controversial immigration law …" Diana Ross is sure getting presumptuous ….

HateMachine December 13, 2011 at 10:30 am

Stop! In the naaaaaame of the Constitution,
Before you break its laws.

sbj1964 December 13, 2011 at 10:06 am

The candidates are like reality show contestants we should put them all in a hot tub,and the winner gets to date America till we give the Rose to Obama.

LiveToServeYa December 13, 2011 at 10:08 am

'Poop-Bucket' Mitt's just jealous of Newt's two toilets, and who wouldn't be? That's the way it is in the US: some people have two toilets while others have to poop in a cardboard box. We all just want a warm place to shit.

kissawookiee December 13, 2011 at 10:09 am

The only reason "Academi" barely merits a half-raised eyebrow from me is because it fits perfectly into recent Southern Evangelical trends in creative name spelling. It does sound worryingly French or Solyndrish or something, though.

Mahousu December 13, 2011 at 10:57 am

“Notice a pattern? All have deep experience with crisis management …"

That's the advantage of working for an administration that was constantly screwing things up.

Dashboard Buddha December 13, 2011 at 10:58 am

No snark: I am pleased to see that Sotomayor recused herself. Yes, I think her vote will be missed by the forces of Good…but it's the right thing to do.

I can only hope that other justices will be inspired to follow her example when faced with a conflict of interest.

…ahh, who the fuck am I kidding?

ManchuCandidate December 13, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Admittedly, who hasn't had the urge to shoot the shit out of a car that cut them off?

But it's awful. Really awful… most of the time.

Bonzos_Bed_Time December 13, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Eight: It's the new nine!

Midway117 December 13, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Will Roger Ailes do his deathbed turnaround (a la Lee Atwater — didn't remember his name and had to Google the fucker!) now so he can actually make some cash off of it?

ttommyunger December 13, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Fuck Roger and Dubya, Cheney and the lot. My son is Stateside now after his second tour in that shithole. He came out decorated and promoted to Major, while so many have come out maimed or dead. I feel simultaneously blessed and guilty. I do despise cheerleaders for war.

Negropolis December 14, 2011 at 3:53 am

There are few companies more cartoonishly loathsome than Blackwater. They'll always be Blackwater; they could change their name to Pupppies, Kittens & OMG!, Inc. and they'd still be the embodiement of earthly evil. Erik Prince might as well be called Erik Prince of Darkness. His wacky-assed sister was the head of the GOP here in Michigan for a time, and thank god for her knack at being able to lose, 'cause she was as bad as the best of the conservative creeps.

Dashboard Buddha December 13, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Thanks. Sometimes the best jokes come from when you're not trying to be funny.

Negropolis December 14, 2011 at 3:56 am

Damn. Beat me to it by a mere 16 hours. lol

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