FLOTUS FILES  9:25 am December 13, 2011

Michelle Obama Announces Historic 300,000 People Exercising

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you...“Remember all those kids doing jumping jacks at the White House in October?” wondered this story. We obviously did not, but here is a reminder: A few months ago, our FLOTUS decided to teach children the value of exercise by obtaining what is nothing short of the Holy Grail for 4th graders, a Guinness World Record. She quickly assembled an army of obese zombie children and convinced them to jump up and down with her on the South Lawn. Yesterday, the jumping jacks were finally tallied, and our Michelle went on The YouTube to announce her victory and remind everyone that they are still fat, despite this.

Here is our FLOTUS, in a lovely red number, gently telling America, “Hey, you’re still going to end up in one of those disgusting monster coffins, unless you keep doing jumping jacks.”

If this is Michelle Obama’s campaign ad for First Lady 2012, we are not anxious to see Marcus Bachmann’s rebuttal. He will probably be forced to eat 300,265 donuts now, to cancel out the whole thing. [YouTube]

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Hola wonkerados.

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drpaul2012 December 13, 2011 at 9:28 am

I made this really cool Ron Paul Dr. Seuss site: http://drpaul2012.wordpress.com/

I can haz hai skor nao?

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2011 at 9:51 am

Blogwhoring is generally frowned upon hereabouts, but that's pretty fucking good.

drpaul2012 December 13, 2011 at 10:04 am

I hate blogwhores too but how else am I gonna showcase my Microsoft Paint skillz and land my dream job at Microsoft?

DetectiveGrey December 13, 2011 at 9:54 am

Yeah, I could upfist this.

not that Dewey December 13, 2011 at 10:27 am

It's downright awesome. I lol'ed, quietly to myself.

drpaul2012 December 13, 2011 at 10:31 am

Thank you. I felt bad for violating the media blackout on Paul but he's so freaking funny. And he'll prolly come in 2nd place in the Iowa primary which is going to look really weird when they announce the winners..

1. Newt Gingrich
3. Mitt Romney
4. Michelle Bachmann
5. Rick Perry
47. Rick Santorum
128. Jon Husband

not that Dewey December 13, 2011 at 10:36 am

Are you kidding? No one in the Iowa caucus has that kind of attention span. They'll get bored and saunter off for deep-fried butter before the announcer gets to "..mney"

Limeylizzie December 13, 2011 at 10:45 am

You should get many upfists, precious blogwhore, I love that you too find the obstetrican feature amusing, I would not let that coot anywhere near MY cooter.

Gratuitous World December 13, 2011 at 9:31 am

so america's children are now Filipino prisoners?
that's going to leave a lot of unfinished janitorial work in Newt's America.

Tundra Grifter December 13, 2011 at 9:38 am


You beat me to it! I was wondering how long it would be until the right wing nutz (particularly Michelle Malkin or Ann Falter) compared America's school children to prisoners dancing to Thriller).

It's coming like Christmas – I just know that it is!

Schmannnity December 13, 2011 at 9:31 am

It's a gas, gas, gas.

freakishlywrong December 13, 2011 at 9:33 am

She is history's greatest monster. Indoctrinating our children in to The Tyranny of Jumping Jacks.

vulpes82 December 13, 2011 at 9:39 am

Damnit, "history's greatest monster" is MY Michelle Obama post comment schtick!

freakishlywrong December 13, 2011 at 9:42 am

We are all Wonkateers.

vulpes82 December 13, 2011 at 10:25 am

You're right. I'm sorry. I should never begrudge a fellow Wonketeer a joke (especially when it's not really "mine" anyway). Group hug?

freakishlywrong December 13, 2011 at 10:56 am

Group hug. Group snark. I read so many of these posts, laugh uproariously and then store them in my tiny brain, like a squirrel storing nuts.

Baconzgood December 13, 2011 at 10:14 am

The greatest complement on Wonkette is having a snark ripped off and not getting credit for it.

vulpes82 December 13, 2011 at 10:24 am

Well, in all honesty, I didn't come up with it. I just beat it into the ground with regards to Michelle Obama.

DaRooster December 13, 2011 at 9:35 am

Doesn't she know White Kids Can't Jump… ing Jack.

Barb December 13, 2011 at 9:35 am

Meh, one of Bristol's orgies is more active and better attended.

Mumbletypeg December 13, 2011 at 9:35 am

and remind everyone that they are still fat, despite this

Well at least they have a story to tell their own grandkids someday, from their eventually grafted-tight rocking chair seats. "This one time… on the White House lawn…"

johnnyzhivago December 13, 2011 at 9:40 am

If everyone in China started doing Jumping Jacks at the same time and in synch, wouldn't it cause a Tsunami or something?

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2011 at 9:47 am

Actually, I think the planet will spin off its axis and crash into the sun. Which will solve a lot more problems than it causes.

mereoblivion December 13, 2011 at 10:26 am

"Good thing for those China cats they all so not fat and the earth flat, else their first JJ send them fly into space and lose they hat 'cause they startin' out upside down 'n' that."

SorosBot December 13, 2011 at 9:42 am

Encouraging a healthy lifestyle seems like a lost cause when TV is plastered with infomercials for products promoting the just give up lifestyle like the Slanket or Forever Lazy.

vulpes82 December 13, 2011 at 11:32 am

That Forever Lazy thing really, truly makes me aghast. We've really been reduced to putting on footie-pajamas?

SorosBot December 13, 2011 at 11:56 am

Footie-pajamas with a convenient ass-flap, to pull down when you need to take a shit; that is really fucking ridiculous.

vulpes82 December 13, 2011 at 11:59 am

It makes me feel like that Crying Eagle picture.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 13, 2011 at 12:40 pm

I think I wore those dropseat union suit pj's when I was 3 years old.

Buzz Feedback December 13, 2011 at 9:46 am

Missed this. Can't watch YT and order pizza online at the same time.

hollywooddood December 13, 2011 at 9:51 am

Kids, there's nothing in the Constitution that can stop you from being fat little couch potatoes. Arm yourselves with your squirt guns and calculators! Occupy Twinkies!

LiveToServeYa December 13, 2011 at 9:53 am

Newt, Savior of Civilization, would have those kids scrubbing the floors and toilets on Capitol Hill. Or running on a giant treadmill to launch our lunar base into orbit. With sanity, you just get deductive and inductive reasoning, but with insanity, the sky's the limit!

BaldarTFlagass December 13, 2011 at 9:53 am

I like the Book of World Records angle, but would be more impressed if they had drank 300,000 Guinness-es. That would probably be a record, too.

proudgrampa December 13, 2011 at 12:52 pm

300,000 Sapphire Martinis? Now THAT's a record I'd like to see!

chicken_thief December 13, 2011 at 9:58 am

Marcus only eats the holes. And Chris Christie laughs at that ridiculously low number for a Guiness World Record for donut eating – he could polish those off even if they were wrapped in bacon after a nice breakfast of a cartoon of eggs, a buffalo steak, and a loaf of toast. Washed down with sugar free oj, of course.

sbj1964 December 13, 2011 at 10:00 am

These kids need to be in better shape.How do people expect them to survive Newts labor camps?

chicken_thief December 13, 2011 at 10:10 am

Ah, you've discovered the secret to his plan to reduce health care costs and save SS – die young.

DetectiveGrey December 13, 2011 at 10:01 am

Sheesh, doesn't our FLOTUS realize that once Buy n Large releases their new Hoverchair, we won't need jumping jacks?

Joshua Norton December 13, 2011 at 10:03 am

300,000 People Exercising

Yeah. And they're ALL in front of me after work at the gym when I'm waiting to use the leg machine.

Baconzgood December 13, 2011 at 10:10 am

"Marcus Bachmann’s rebuttal"


"Marcus Bachmann's (re)Butt Hole"

MrFizzy December 13, 2011 at 10:33 am

How are these kids supposed to develop adult-onset diabetes and help support the pharmaceutical industry if they are healthy?

KeepFnThatChicken December 13, 2011 at 10:35 am

If these big-assed Amurkins do their jumping jacks at noon, we can knock the planet's orbit back and stave off climate change.

Or so I heard. I only scored 76% on the CSM's science literacy test, so I could be waaaaay wrong.

BZ1 December 13, 2011 at 10:46 am

Michelle-Barack 2016

sbj1964 December 13, 2011 at 11:00 am

Living healthy bites.I drink,I smoke,I eat red meat,I love the taste of steak,I hate condoms,and sometimes don't even look both ways when crossing the street.

MozakiBlocks December 13, 2011 at 11:10 am

Hah, I'd like to see Queen Calista of the Shelaqued Hair and Face try this. She'd have to take off her diamonds even.

shirleyplz December 13, 2011 at 11:14 am

Our Flotus is Fabulous!
She looks great in that video, I simply adore her.Thanks for posting my favorite wonket column Blair.

SayItWithWookies December 13, 2011 at 11:45 am

Wait, now Guinness will certify a world record just for a bunch of people doing something at the same time? So I'm assuming Texas has the record for idiocy for the last time they elected Rick Perry, right?

Limeylizzie December 13, 2011 at 12:05 pm

OT but this makes me want to fuck David Axelrod and I have NEVER felt that urge before now. http://2012.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/12/in-whic

proudgrampa December 13, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Sounds like something my granddaughter would tease with (in singsong):

"Newtie has a monkey butt
Newtie has a monkey butt…"

Callyson December 13, 2011 at 12:18 pm

300,000 people who worked together to make history…but we know this isn't just about one day in October…we've got an even bigger goal to go after
Cue wingnut hysteria about government overreach in 3…2..1…

Biff December 13, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Summoning the image of Marcus doing jumping jacks is pure evil, Blair. The thought of his moobs… <retch>

ttommyunger December 13, 2011 at 1:17 pm

300,265 Donuts? Marcus says no. 300,265 penises? Yup and counting.

fxgeorges December 21, 2011 at 2:20 am

And here I thought she was only good for spending the taxpayers money for lavish vacations.

Biff December 13, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Kinder-arbeit macht frei?

Negropolis December 14, 2011 at 3:44 am

Ok, now stroke each others hair…yeah, slower…slower…

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