flotus files

Michelle Obama Announces Historic 300,000 People Exercising

That's MRS. Flotus to you...“Remember all those kids doing jumping jacks at the White House in October?” wondered this story. We obviously did not, but here is a reminder: A few months ago, our FLOTUS decided to teach children the value of exercise by obtaining what is nothing short of the Holy Grail for 4th graders, a Guinness World Record. She quickly assembled an army of obese zombie children and convinced them to jump up and down with her on the South Lawn. Yesterday, the jumping jacks were finally tallied, and our Michelle went on The YouTube to announce her victory and remind everyone that they are still fat, despite this.

Here is our FLOTUS, in a lovely red number, gently telling America, “Hey, you’re still going to end up in one of those disgusting monster coffins, unless you keep doing jumping jacks.”

If this is Michelle Obama’s campaign ad for First Lady 2012, we are not anxious to see Marcus Bachmann’s rebuttal. He will probably be forced to eat 300,265 donuts now, to cancel out the whole thing. [YouTube]

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments [Looking into whether this is still possible - Shy] - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • http://drpaul2012.wordpress.com drpaul2012

    I made this really cool Ron Paul Dr. Seuss site: http://drpaul2012.wordpress.com/

    I can haz hai skor nao?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Blogwhoring is generally frowned upon hereabouts, but that's pretty fucking good.

      • http://drpaul2012.wordpress.com drpaul2012

        I hate blogwhores too but how else am I gonna showcase my Microsoft Paint skillz and land my dream job at Microsoft?

    • DetectiveGrey

      Yeah, I could upfist this.

    • not that Dewey

      It's downright awesome. I lol'ed, quietly to myself.

      • http://drpaul2012.wordpress.com drpaul2012

        Thank you. I felt bad for violating the media blackout on Paul but he's so freaking funny. And he'll prolly come in 2nd place in the Iowa primary which is going to look really weird when they announce the winners..

        1. Newt Gingrich
        3. Mitt Romney
        4. Michelle Bachmann
        5. Rick Perry
        ..
        47. Rick Santorum
        128. Jon Husband

        • not that Dewey

          Are you kidding? No one in the Iowa caucus has that kind of attention span. They'll get bored and saunter off for deep-fried butter before the announcer gets to "..mney"

    • Limeylizzie

      You should get many upfists, precious blogwhore, I love that you too find the obstetrican feature amusing, I would not let that coot anywhere near MY cooter.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    so america's children are now Filipino prisoners?
    that's going to leave a lot of unfinished janitorial work in Newt's America.

    • Tundra Grifter

      GW:

      You beat me to it! I was wondering how long it would be until the right wing nutz (particularly Michelle Malkin or Ann Falter) compared America's school children to prisoners dancing to Thriller).

      It's coming like Christmas – I just know that it is!

  • Schmannnity

    It's a gas, gas, gas.

  • freakishlywrong

    She is history's greatest monster. Indoctrinating our children in to The Tyranny of Jumping Jacks.

    • vulpes82

      Damnit, "history's greatest monster" is MY Michelle Obama post comment schtick!

      • freakishlywrong

        We are all Wonkateers.

        • vulpes82

          You're right. I'm sorry. I should never begrudge a fellow Wonketeer a joke (especially when it's not really "mine" anyway). Group hug?

          • freakishlywrong

            Group hug. Group snark. I read so many of these posts, laugh uproariously and then store them in my tiny brain, like a squirrel storing nuts.

          • Negropolis

            Ok, now stroke each others hair…yeah, slower…slower…

      • Baconzgood

        The greatest complement on Wonkette is having a snark ripped off and not getting credit for it.

        • vulpes82

          Well, in all honesty, I didn't come up with it. I just beat it into the ground with regards to Michelle Obama.

  • DaRooster

    Doesn't she know White Kids Can't Jump… ing Jack.

  • Barb

    Meh, one of Bristol's orgies is more active and better attended.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    and remind everyone that they are still fat, despite this

    Well at least they have a story to tell their own grandkids someday, from their eventually grafted-tight rocking chair seats. "This one time… on the White House lawn…"

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    If everyone in China started doing Jumping Jacks at the same time and in synch, wouldn't it cause a Tsunami or something?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Actually, I think the planet will spin off its axis and crash into the sun. Which will solve a lot more problems than it causes.

    • mereoblivion

      "Good thing for those China cats they all so not fat and the earth flat, else their first JJ send them fly into space and lose they hat 'cause they startin' out upside down 'n' that."
      MO-FLOTUS

  • SorosBot

    Encouraging a healthy lifestyle seems like a lost cause when TV is plastered with infomercials for products promoting the just give up lifestyle like the Slanket or Forever Lazy.

    • vulpes82

      That Forever Lazy thing really, truly makes me aghast. We've really been reduced to putting on footie-pajamas?

      • SorosBot

        Footie-pajamas with a convenient ass-flap, to pull down when you need to take a shit; that is really fucking ridiculous.

        • vulpes82

          It makes me feel like that Crying Eagle picture.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          I think I wore those dropseat union suit pj's when I was 3 years old.

  • Buzz Feedback

    Missed this. Can't watch YT and order pizza online at the same time.

  • hollywooddood

    Kids, there's nothing in the Constitution that can stop you from being fat little couch potatoes. Arm yourselves with your squirt guns and calculators! Occupy Twinkies!

  • LiveToServeYa

    Newt, Savior of Civilization, would have those kids scrubbing the floors and toilets on Capitol Hill. Or running on a giant treadmill to launch our lunar base into orbit. With sanity, you just get deductive and inductive reasoning, but with insanity, the sky's the limit!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I like the Book of World Records angle, but would be more impressed if they had drank 300,000 Guinness-es. That would probably be a record, too.

    • proudgrampa

      300,000 Sapphire Martinis? Now THAT's a record I'd like to see!

  • chicken_thief

    Marcus only eats the holes. And Chris Christie laughs at that ridiculously low number for a Guiness World Record for donut eating – he could polish those off even if they were wrapped in bacon after a nice breakfast of a cartoon of eggs, a buffalo steak, and a loaf of toast. Washed down with sugar free oj, of course.

  • sbj1964

    These kids need to be in better shape.How do people expect them to survive Newts labor camps?

    • chicken_thief

      Ah, you've discovered the secret to his plan to reduce health care costs and save SS – die young.

  • DetectiveGrey

    Sheesh, doesn't our FLOTUS realize that once Buy n Large releases their new Hoverchair, we won't need jumping jacks?

  • Joshua Norton

    300,000 People Exercising

    Yeah. And they're ALL in front of me after work at the gym when I'm waiting to use the leg machine.

  • Baconzgood

    "Marcus Bachmann’s rebuttal"

    Tee-Hee

    "Marcus Bachmann's (re)Butt Hole"

  • MrFizzy

    How are these kids supposed to develop adult-onset diabetes and help support the pharmaceutical industry if they are healthy?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    If these big-assed Amurkins do their jumping jacks at noon, we can knock the planet's orbit back and stave off climate change.

    Or so I heard. I only scored 76% on the CSM's science literacy test, so I could be waaaaay wrong.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Michelle-Barack 2016

  • sbj1964

    Living healthy bites.I drink,I smoke,I eat red meat,I love the taste of steak,I hate condoms,and sometimes don't even look both ways when crossing the street.

  • MozakiBlocks

    Hah, I'd like to see Queen Calista of the Shelaqued Hair and Face try this. She'd have to take off her diamonds even.

  • shirleyplz

    Our Flotus is Fabulous!
    She looks great in that video, I simply adore her.Thanks for posting my favorite wonket column Blair.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Wait, now Guinness will certify a world record just for a bunch of people doing something at the same time? So I'm assuming Texas has the record for idiocy for the last time they elected Rick Perry, right?

  • Limeylizzie

    OT but this makes me want to fuck David Axelrod and I have NEVER felt that urge before now. http://2012.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/12/in-whic

    • proudgrampa

      Sounds like something my granddaughter would tease with (in singsong):

      "Newtie has a monkey butt
      Newtie has a monkey butt…"

  • Callyson

    300,000 people who worked together to make history…but we know this isn't just about one day in October…we've got an even bigger goal to go after
    Cue wingnut hysteria about government overreach in 3…2..1…

  • Biff

    Summoning the image of Marcus doing jumping jacks is pure evil, Blair. The thought of his moobs… <retch>

  • ttommyunger

    300,265 Donuts? Marcus says no. 300,265 penises? Yup and counting.

  • http://www.fxexchangerate.com/ fxgeorges

    And here I thought she was only good for spending the taxpayers money for lavish vacations.

  • Biff

    Kinder-arbeit macht frei?