“Remember all those kids doing jumping jacks at the White House in October?” wondered this story. We obviously did not, but here is a reminder: A few months ago, our FLOTUS decided to teach children the value of exercise by obtaining what is nothing short of the Holy Grail for 4th graders, a Guinness World Record. She quickly assembled an army of obese zombie children and convinced them to jump up and down with her on the South Lawn. Yesterday, the jumping jacks were finally tallied, and our Michelle went on The YouTube to announce her victory and remind everyone that they are still fat, despite this.
Here is our FLOTUS, in a lovely red number, gently telling America, “Hey, you’re still going to end up in one of those disgusting monster coffins, unless you keep doing jumping jacks.”
If this is Michelle Obama’s campaign ad for First Lady 2012, we are not anxious to see Marcus Bachmann’s rebuttal. He will probably be forced to eat 300,265 donuts now, to cancel out the whole thing. [YouTube]
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I made this really cool Ron Paul Dr. Seuss site: http://drpaul2012.wordpress.com/
I can haz hai skor nao?
Blogwhoring is generally frowned upon hereabouts, but that's pretty fucking good.
I hate blogwhores too but how else am I gonna showcase my Microsoft Paint skillz and land my dream job at Microsoft?
Yeah, I could upfist this.
It's downright awesome. I lol'ed, quietly to myself.
Thank you. I felt bad for violating the media blackout on Paul but he's so freaking funny. And he'll prolly come in 2nd place in the Iowa primary which is going to look really weird when they announce the winners..
1. Newt Gingrich
3. Mitt Romney
4. Michelle Bachmann
5. Rick Perry
..
47. Rick Santorum
128. Jon Husband
Are you kidding? No one in the Iowa caucus has that kind of attention span. They'll get bored and saunter off for deep-fried butter before the announcer gets to "..mney"
You should get many upfists, precious blogwhore, I love that you too find the obstetrican feature amusing, I would not let that coot anywhere near MY cooter.
so america's children are now Filipino prisoners?
that's going to leave a lot of unfinished janitorial work in Newt's America.
GW:
You beat me to it! I was wondering how long it would be until the right wing nutz (particularly Michelle Malkin or Ann Falter) compared America's school children to prisoners dancing to Thriller).
It's coming like Christmas – I just know that it is!
It's a gas, gas, gas.
She is history's greatest monster. Indoctrinating our children in to The Tyranny of Jumping Jacks.
Damnit, "history's greatest monster" is MY Michelle Obama post comment schtick!
We are all Wonkateers.
You're right. I'm sorry. I should never begrudge a fellow Wonketeer a joke (especially when it's not really "mine" anyway). Group hug?
Group hug. Group snark. I read so many of these posts, laugh uproariously and then store them in my tiny brain, like a squirrel storing nuts.
The greatest complement on Wonkette is having a snark ripped off and not getting credit for it.
Well, in all honesty, I didn't come up with it. I just beat it into the ground with regards to Michelle Obama.
Doesn't she know White Kids Can't Jump… ing Jack.
Meh, one of Bristol's orgies is more active and better attended.
and remind everyone that they are still fat, despite this
Well at least they have a story to tell their own grandkids someday, from their eventually grafted-tight rocking chair seats. "This one time… on the White House lawn…"
If everyone in China started doing Jumping Jacks at the same time and in synch, wouldn't it cause a Tsunami or something?
Actually, I think the planet will spin off its axis and crash into the sun. Which will solve a lot more problems than it causes.
"Good thing for those China cats they all so not fat and the earth flat, else their first JJ send them fly into space and lose they hat 'cause they startin' out upside down 'n' that."
MO-FLOTUS
Encouraging a healthy lifestyle seems like a lost cause when TV is plastered with infomercials for products promoting the just give up lifestyle like the Slanket or Forever Lazy.
That Forever Lazy thing really, truly makes me aghast. We've really been reduced to putting on footie-pajamas?
Footie-pajamas with a convenient ass-flap, to pull down when you need to take a shit; that is really fucking ridiculous.
It makes me feel like that Crying Eagle picture.
I think I wore those dropseat union suit pj's when I was 3 years old.
Missed this. Can't watch YT and order pizza online at the same time.
Kids, there's nothing in the Constitution that can stop you from being fat little couch potatoes. Arm yourselves with your squirt guns and calculators! Occupy Twinkies!
Newt, Savior of Civilization, would have those kids scrubbing the floors and toilets on Capitol Hill. Or running on a giant treadmill to launch our lunar base into orbit. With sanity, you just get deductive and inductive reasoning, but with insanity, the sky's the limit!
I like the Book of World Records angle, but would be more impressed if they had drank 300,000 Guinness-es. That would probably be a record, too.
300,000 Sapphire Martinis? Now THAT's a record I'd like to see!
Marcus only eats the holes. And Chris Christie laughs at that ridiculously low number for a Guiness World Record for donut eating – he could polish those off even if they were wrapped in bacon after a nice breakfast of a cartoon of eggs, a buffalo steak, and a loaf of toast. Washed down with sugar free oj, of course.
These kids need to be in better shape.How do people expect them to survive Newts labor camps?
Ah, you've discovered the secret to his plan to reduce health care costs and save SS – die young.
Sheesh, doesn't our FLOTUS realize that once Buy n Large releases their new Hoverchair, we won't need jumping jacks?
300,000 People Exercising
Yeah. And they're ALL in front of me after work at the gym when I'm waiting to use the leg machine.
"Marcus Bachmann’s rebuttal"
Tee-Hee
"Marcus Bachmann's (re)Butt Hole"
How are these kids supposed to develop adult-onset diabetes and help support the pharmaceutical industry if they are healthy?
If these big-assed Amurkins do their jumping jacks at noon, we can knock the planet's orbit back and stave off climate change.
Or so I heard. I only scored 76% on the CSM's science literacy test, so I could be waaaaay wrong.
Michelle-Barack 2016
Living healthy bites.I drink,I smoke,I eat red meat,I love the taste of steak,I hate condoms,and sometimes don't even look both ways when crossing the street.
Hah, I'd like to see Queen Calista of the Shelaqued Hair and Face try this. She'd have to take off her diamonds even.
Our Flotus is Fabulous!
She looks great in that video, I simply adore her.Thanks for posting my favorite wonket column Blair.
Wait, now Guinness will certify a world record just for a bunch of people doing something at the same time? So I'm assuming Texas has the record for idiocy for the last time they elected Rick Perry, right?
OT but this makes me want to fuck David Axelrod and I have NEVER felt that urge before now. http://2012.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/12/in-whic…
Sounds like something my granddaughter would tease with (in singsong):
"Newtie has a monkey butt
Newtie has a monkey butt…"
300,000 people who worked together to make history…but we know this isn't just about one day in October…we've got an even bigger goal to go after
Cue wingnut hysteria about government overreach in 3…2..1…
Summoning the image of Marcus doing jumping jacks is pure evil, Blair. The thought of his moobs… <retch>
300,265 Donuts? Marcus says no. 300,265 penises? Yup and counting.
And here I thought she was only good for spending the taxpayers money for lavish vacations.
Kinder-arbeit macht frei?
Ok, now stroke each others hair…yeah, slower…slower…
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