amoral jewelry-debt piglets

Newt Gingrich Promises To Stop Cheating On His Wives & Stop Getting Divorces All the Time

Serial-divorcing creep Newt Gingrich just can’t stop taking advantage of the women who work for him — it’s the only way a toad like Newt can get any tail! — but this is apparently a problem with the conservative Family Values crowd. What to do? Well, this time, during his third marriage and after two divorces he instigated while carrying on affairs, old fatso the clown has sworn on a stack of bibles (literally, we’re sure) that he will stop fucking all these staffer women, and that he will stay married to that latest staffer woman he was schtupping while married to somebody else. Well these sound like excellent scruples, don’t they?

Gingrich Pledges Not To Commit Infidelity A Third Time, Reaffirms Opposition To Marriage Equality

As Iowa’s FAMiLY Leader prepares to endorse a presidential candidate ahead of the Jan. 3 Iowa caucuses, Newt Gingrich has issued a statement affirming the Leader’s pledge to oppose marriage equality for gays and lesbians, deny women access to abortion, and reduce the debt.

The “debt,” in this case, is neither his moral debt nor his whore-trinket quarter-million tab at Tiffany’s; this sperm whale is apparently discussing the Federal Debt. UPDATE: And here’s one of his old mistresses ratting him out in the new National Enquirer. [Think Progress via Wonkette operative Monsieur Grumpe]

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114 comments

  1. Barb

    Newt is on the cover of that National Enquirer! That did wonders for John Edward's career. His mistress says that he likes to get his wang mouthafied. Color me stunned!

    1. flamingpdog

      Holy batbutt, I just wish Wonkette Jr. has put up a Not Safe for Viewing notice with that link. When it opened up and I saw a huge picture of Newtie face, I just about hurled on my monitor!

  2. OkieDokieDog

    I'm sure he'll keep that pledge, until those whores Viagra and Cialis show up and entice him with their sexytime promises.

    1. Millennial Malaise

      If you talk to all the other women he didn't sleep with, they'll tell you he's a great boss!

    2. MaxNeanderthal

      Er, Newt, I don't think you're quite grasping the concept of "marriage", as understood by, well all cultures since the Neanderthal extinction, really….

      1. SorosBot

        Nah, Newt's practicing traditional marriage, by the standards of Roman aristocrats and European nobility, where cheating was perfectly OK for the husband, whether the wife was happy or not, and the husband, and only the husband, had the right to divorce.

        1. PalinzADummy

          Upperclass females have *almost always* had the right to cheat, so long as they did not too obviously hang the fruits, as it were, of their labours about their cuckolded husbands' necks. There's a reason there are so many words in European languages for "man whose wife prefers to fuck other men." See also "red-headed stepchildren, treatment of."

  3. orygoon

    It's not like I care, or cared in the nineties. It goes something like "I knew Bill Clinton as President, you fat fuckface, and you are no Bill Clinton".

    1. Callyson

      I now have a mental image of Monica Lewinsky looking at Callista et al and muttering "What were you thinking? At least I boned a married man with a brain and a heart…"

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Yeah, I'll believe it. The Earth has to revolve around the sun, birds gotta poop on clean cars, Kim Kardashian's gotta famewhore and Newt's gotta be a hypocrite sleazebag.

  5. Lucidamente1

    I had a cousin who promised to stop fucking goats, and did, but we still called him "goatfucker."

  6. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Look, people.

    That goopers are fat, slimy amphibians who cheat and lie a lot is supposed to be a a metaphor.

    Not a goal.

    P.S. "A metaphor is a literary figure of speech that uses an image, story or tangible thing to represent a less tangible thing or some intangible quality or idea…"

    NOT 'tail-able thinghie'.
    ~

  7. Goonemeritus

    For the religious right it’s never an issue of their behavior it’s an issue of your behavior. They extend the same get out of jail free card to whoever will push their agenda. So to sum up they are forgiven you are going to hell and that is that.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    “It was oral sex,” Anne – now a busi­nesswoman in Albuquerque, N.M. – noted in a previous interview. “Be­cause, that way, he could say he had not slept with me.”

    Oh, waitret, please, waitret, come sit down on my fate,
    Eatin' ain't cheatin', Lord it ain't no disgrace.
    Oh, bring me a Lone Star, make it a case
    And waitret, please, waitret, come sit down on my fate.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Believe it or not, I actually remember hearing about this particular affair BEFORE the Lewinsky scandal.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        "Waitret, Please, Waitret", Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys, from the 1976 album "Lasso from El Paso."

    2. Texan_Bulldog

      Good lord. "Oral sex" and "Newt Gingrich" should NEVER be uttered in the same universe! Gahh….

  9. Callyson

    Gingrich has issued a statement affirming the Leader’s pledge to oppose marriage equality for gays and lesbians, deny women access to abortion, and reduce the debt.
    I am a very bad person for thinking that the first two items cancel out any hope of achieving the third…

  10. Mahousu

    Since he's clearly lying about the first and last items, I assume then he'll actually favor gay marriage and abortion.

  11. chicken_thief

    From photo on the link: With that little bitty tongue, it looks like the good lord was not generous to Newt at either end.

  12. Chillwaver

    "Newt Gingrich has issued a statement affirming the Leader’s pledge to oppose marriage equality for gays and lesbians, deny women access to abortion, and reduce the debt."

    While on topic (Random, Unrelated Pledges?), I would like pledge to stop watching porn until 3am every day, calling in sick once a month and start walking my dogs twice a day.

  13. Callyson

    Also, from the National Enquirer link for those of you at work who can't click on it:
    Gingrich, 68, was married to his first wife Jackie when he cheated with Anne, the wife of a fellow professor at West Georgia College, in spring 1977.
    Add this to the many reasons Newtie did not get tenure…

  14. BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe he's getting ready to "jump the fence" and start fucking boys. Turning over a new leaf, as it were.

  15. BornInATrailer

    Someone made a good point in the comments of the link. Newt told us he cheated before because he just loves America so much. Now he promises not to cheat.

    Why Does Newt Gingrich Hate America?

  16. JustPixelz

    Abraham Lincoln is ahead of us all when it comes to Newt:

    Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

  17. chicken_thief

    Stop the presses!!! What Newt actually said was "I also pledge to uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others."

    So he's only giving/getting blow jobs from single folk. Now the follow up questions: male or female? Adult or minor?

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Newt's already on the record as saying that inner-city youth need to learn a work ethic, so just see who shows up at his office on Monday morning and that should answer your question.

  18. Mumbletypeg

    This gesture would be lipstick on a pig far as Newt's credibility is concerned.
    But a pig festooned in Tiffany's bling is not discernible as a pig anymore, far as Callista is concerned.

  19. JustPixelz

    The important thing is the Repubicans are ready to nominate a fat, white haired, white guy. If you squint just right, it looks like Obama vs McCain again. Except McCain sacrificed for five years as a POW for his nation, while Gingrich has never sacrificed anything for anyone during his entire life.

  20. Tundra Grifter

    Gov. Rick Perry told us all where his priorities are when he said on Saturday that anyone who cheats on his wife would cheat his business partner.

    Reminds me of what a co-worker told me many years ago what anyone who ate chicken would also eat…

  21. MaxNeanderthal

    Who the fuck has a name that suggests a small European amphibian and gum disease, at the same time, ferfuxsakes. Newt Gingivitis – huh? I know vets who specialise in this….

    1. Katydid

      Oh, lord, and they're branding it a "Lincoln-Douglas Debate."

      There are no appropriate words for how much that is the opposite of true.

      1. Nostrildamus

        It's true in the sense that one candidate wants to take country back to the 1840s, while the other is looking forward to the 1860s.

  22. SayItWithWookies

    Gingrich Pledges Not to Commit Infidelity a Third Time

    Well of course not — the third time was so long ago that he doesn't even have her number anymore.

  23. DahBoner

    Newt Gingrich Promises To Stop Cheating On His Wives

    Newtie is going Mormon?

    How many dang Mormons does America need?

    1. TheMightyHaltor

      Newt's happily willing to promise that, if elected President, not to get kicked out of Congress due to ethics violations.

  24. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Newt added "And since I came out against marriage for teh Gayez, the buttsex doesn't count as cheating on my wife, right?"

  25. Rotundo_

    Third time around and Newtie is turning over a new leaf eh? The first overly ambitious and flirtatious campaign volunteer that turns his eye will fix this one as well. Old habits die hard, if at all. I'm surprised he hasn't traded up again already, Callista has to be getting a bit stale.

  26. sbj1964

    Newt claims he is going to "stop cheating on his wives."Well you can take that to the bank !!!But you might want to stop by Tyffanie's so he can pick something out for his girlfriend.

  27. Negropolis

    I'll never foret "whore-trinket". When I am old and gray (FSM willing), and I'm being abused in some futuristic nursing home – where they really won't be able to hear you scream due to the new materials used in structure building – I'll just think of "whore-trinket", and I'll smile as a slip away into sweet, saving unconciousness…

    Wait; what were we talking about, again?

  28. Negropolis

    We shall know his sincerity by the reduction in his Tiffany credit account.

    This shows just how debased the GOP candidates are. Their lead candidate has to promise not to bang random women. That's going to stack up quite nicely against the president.

  29. ttommyunger

    Please God let Newt be the Nominee so he can die knowing he was one of only two men beaten for the Presidency by a young, uppity black guy.

  30. SenileAgitation

    Fuck Newt (but glad to see him called out again), what caught my eye at National Enquirer was the next story about Vivian Leigh, some kinda frisky, that one. Very Republican tastes…

  31. llittle1

    Newt Gingrich and his fourth vow of no infidelity sounds about as truthful as Jerry Sandusky’s claims of being innocent of shower misbehavior, Larry Craig’s toe tapping incident or Ted Haggard’s missteps……….in all of these men, there is strong evidence their dicks have no conscience and if an opportunity arose, they would put employ their turgid pudenda for self gratification.
    He was guilty of 80 or 90 ethics violations while speaker and was only fined for one offense and resigned in disgrace………why give this lying loser another chance to prove he is unfit?……….He’ll burn out on Calista in three or four months or less and go getting blow jobs in car seats and be horizontally refreshed on his desk top.

  32. DahBoner

    "A woman discovers the answer to the question: Why do many men, after a breakup or a divorce, find it so difficult to be alone, while most women in the same situation seem just fine?"

    HAHAHA!

    Women are sooooooo clueless about how their own brains work, much less how men's brains work very, very differently.

    Because women like sex, maybe 1000 times less than men.

    DUH!!!

Comments are closed.