amoral jewelry-debt piglets

Newt Gingrich Promises To Stop Cheating On His Wives & Stop Getting Divorces All the Time

Serial-divorcing creep Newt Gingrich just can’t stop taking advantage of the women who work for him — it’s the only way a toad like Newt can get any tail! — but this is apparently a problem with the conservative Family Values crowd. What to do? Well, this time, during his third marriage and after two divorces he instigated while carrying on affairs, old fatso the clown has sworn on a stack of bibles (literally, we’re sure) that he will stop fucking all these staffer women, and that he will stay married to that latest staffer woman he was schtupping while married to somebody else. Well these sound like excellent scruples, don’t they?

Gingrich Pledges Not To Commit Infidelity A Third Time, Reaffirms Opposition To Marriage Equality

As Iowa’s FAMiLY Leader prepares to endorse a presidential candidate ahead of the Jan. 3 Iowa caucuses, Newt Gingrich has issued a statement affirming the Leader’s pledge to oppose marriage equality for gays and lesbians, deny women access to abortion, and reduce the debt.

The “debt,” in this case, is neither his moral debt nor his whore-trinket quarter-million tab at Tiffany’s; this sperm whale is apparently discussing the Federal Debt. UPDATE: And here’s one of his old mistresses ratting him out in the new National Enquirer. [Think Progress via Wonkette operative Monsieur Grumpe]

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  • orygoon

    "Fool me once…"

    • Dashboard Buddha

      …shame on you. Fool me twice, can I give you a campaign contribution?

  • nounverb911

    $10,000 says he's already cheated on Calista.

    • OCcupied_Surf_Serf

      With his fugly presence, you'd expect it to cost $10,000 to have extramarital sex…

      • SorosBot

        Or $500,000 worth of Tiffany jewelry.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Probably with a Priest when he converted.

    • Tommmcattt

      …with Ann.

  • Barb

    Newt is on the cover of that National Enquirer! That did wonders for John Edward's career. His mistress says that he likes to get his wang mouthafied. Color me stunned!

    • bagofmice

      Color me a little bit purple with some happy little clouds.

      Bob Ross was a genius.

      • chicken_thief

        Happy trees!

      • Negropolis

        Well, after she gets done with your junk, it'll be a little bit purple, for sure.

    • PubOption

      He must be cheating on Calista. With all the Botox in her face, her mouth wont open far enough.

      • frostbitefalls

        Ew the thought of Calista blowing Newt is making me queasy.

    • flamingpdog

      Holy batbutt, I just wish Wonkette Jr. has put up a Not Safe for Viewing notice with that link. When it opened up and I saw a huge picture of Newtie face, I just about hurled on my monitor!

  • OkieDokieDog

    I'm sure he'll keep that pledge, until those whores Viagra and Cialis show up and entice him with their sexytime promises.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    In a related story, Gingrich also promised not to come in her mouth and the check is in the mail

  • dadanarchist

    Newt's giving Callista something he never got: tenure.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Nah, Newt can't be bigger than a fourure. Maybe a fiveure.

  • SexySmurf

    Newt is not an adulterer; he was a consultant for other ladies' private sectors.

    • dadanarchist

      WIN.

      He's researching a history of vaginas.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      And a "hystorian".

  • Blueb4sunrise

    This is how it's done, Herm.

    • PuckStopsHere

      Who is this "Herm" of whom you speak?

  • Come here a minute

    Newt was completely faithful to his first two wives, before he cheated on them.

    • Millennial Malaise

      If you talk to all the other women he didn't sleep with, they'll tell you he's a great boss!

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Er, Newt, I don't think you're quite grasping the concept of "marriage", as understood by, well all cultures since the Neanderthal extinction, really….

      • SorosBot

        Nah, Newt's practicing traditional marriage, by the standards of Roman aristocrats and European nobility, where cheating was perfectly OK for the husband, whether the wife was happy or not, and the husband, and only the husband, had the right to divorce.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          Upperclass females have *almost always* had the right to cheat, so long as they did not too obviously hang the fruits, as it were, of their labours about their cuckolded husbands' necks. There's a reason there are so many words in European languages for "man whose wife prefers to fuck other men." See also "red-headed stepchildren, treatment of."

  • SorosBot

    He probably figures that if Reagan got away with it, so can he.

  • orygoon

    It's not like I care, or cared in the nineties. It goes something like "I knew Bill Clinton as President, you fat fuckface, and you are no Bill Clinton".

    • Callyson

      I now have a mental image of Monica Lewinsky looking at Callista et al and muttering "What were you thinking? At least I boned a married man with a brain and a heart…"

      • arihaya

        and a handsome look too,,

        • DaRooster

          … and he had a cigar.

  • OCcupied_Surf_Serf

    Gingrich Pledges Not To Get Caught Committing Infidelity A Third Time

    //fixed

    • tihond

      We on the left need to pack Newt's staff with our hottest, most Newt-appealing women.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Yeah, I'll believe it. The Earth has to revolve around the sun, birds gotta poop on clean cars, Kim Kardashian's gotta famewhore and Newt's gotta be a hypocrite sleazebag.

  • Lucidamente1

    I had a cousin who promised to stop fucking goats, and did, but we still called him "goatfucker."

    • BornInATrailer

      The punchline to a classic joke, always altered to fit the locale.

      • Lucidamente1

        Since Newt is a walking punchline, it only seemed right.

      • nedbeaumontjr

        "…but you fuck one Newt…"

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

          "… one lousy time, and … "

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I bet he crossed his fingers behind his back when he made this promise.

    • Not_So_Much

      as if he could reach that far around that fat folds…

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Look, people.

    That goopers are fat, slimy amphibians who cheat and lie a lot is supposed to be a a metaphor.

    Not a goal.

    P.S. "A metaphor is a literary figure of speech that uses an image, story or tangible thing to represent a less tangible thing or some intangible quality or idea…"

    NOT 'tail-able thinghie'.
    ~

  • Goonemeritus

    For the religious right it’s never an issue of their behavior it’s an issue of your behavior. They extend the same get out of jail free card to whoever will push their agenda. So to sum up they are forgiven you are going to hell and that is that.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “It was oral sex,” Anne – now a busi­nesswoman in Albuquerque, N.M. – noted in a previous interview. “Be­cause, that way, he could say he had not slept with me.”

    Oh, waitret, please, waitret, come sit down on my fate,
    Eatin' ain't cheatin', Lord it ain't no disgrace.
    Oh, bring me a Lone Star, make it a case
    And waitret, please, waitret, come sit down on my fate.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Believe it or not, I actually remember hearing about this particular affair BEFORE the Lewinsky scandal.

    • LowProfileinGA

      If this is original, bless you.
      If not, please give a reference.

      Chaucer would be envious.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        "Waitret, Please, Waitret", Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys, from the 1976 album "Lasso from El Paso."

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Good lord. "Oral sex" and "Newt Gingrich" should NEVER be uttered in the same universe! Gahh….

  • hagajim

    I still can't figure out why anyone would want to fuck this fat sack of shit.

    • flamingpdog

      BuT if any one could do it, it would be Callista.

  • Callyson

    Gingrich has issued a statement affirming the Leader’s pledge to oppose marriage equality for gays and lesbians, deny women access to abortion, and reduce the debt.
    I am a very bad person for thinking that the first two items cancel out any hope of achieving the third…

  • Mahousu

    Since he's clearly lying about the first and last items, I assume then he'll actually favor gay marriage and abortion.

  • chicken_thief

    From photo on the link: With that little bitty tongue, it looks like the good lord was not generous to Newt at either end.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      But what's in between is all big, filthy fucking dick.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    "Newt Gingrich has issued a statement affirming the Leader’s pledge to oppose marriage equality for gays and lesbians, deny women access to abortion, and reduce the debt."

    While on topic (Random, Unrelated Pledges?), I would like pledge to stop watching porn until 3am every day, calling in sick once a month and start walking my dogs twice a day.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Maybe Clalista had him neutered.

    • RadioYKWE

      You said NewtHer.

  • Callyson

    Also, from the National Enquirer link for those of you at work who can't click on it:
    Gingrich, 68, was married to his first wife Jackie when he cheated with Anne, the wife of a fellow professor at West Georgia College, in spring 1977.
    Add this to the many reasons Newtie did not get tenure…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe he's getting ready to "jump the fence" and start fucking boys. Turning over a new leaf, as it were.

  • BornInATrailer

    Someone made a good point in the comments of the link. Newt told us he cheated before because he just loves America so much. Now he promises not to cheat.

    Why Does Newt Gingrich Hate America?

    • PuckStopsHere

      Tah and Dah!

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Abraham Lincoln is ahead of us all when it comes to Newt:

    Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

  • chicken_thief

    Stop the presses!!! What Newt actually said was "I also pledge to uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others."

    So he's only giving/getting blow jobs from single folk. Now the follow up questions: male or female? Adult or minor?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Newt's already on the record as saying that inner-city youth need to learn a work ethic, so just see who shows up at his office on Monday morning and that should answer your question.

    • Negropolis

      Answer: Yes.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    This gesture would be lipstick on a pig far as Newt's credibility is concerned.
    But a pig festooned in Tiffany's bling is not discernible as a pig anymore, far as Callista is concerned.

  • sbj1964

    Newt Gingrich is a serial Cheater, and a known liar. GOP Poster Boy !

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    The important thing is the Repubicans are ready to nominate a fat, white haired, white guy. If you squint just right, it looks like Obama vs McCain again. Except McCain sacrificed for five years as a POW for his nation, while Gingrich has never sacrificed anything for anyone during his entire life.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      He sacrified an old wife for a new wife. Twice. You should be thanking him for his being serviced.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Gov. Rick Perry told us all where his priorities are when he said on Saturday that anyone who cheats on his wife would cheat his business partner.

    Reminds me of what a co-worker told me many years ago what anyone who ate chicken would also eat…

  • MaxNeanderthal

    Who the fuck has a name that suggests a small European amphibian and gum disease, at the same time, ferfuxsakes. Newt Gingivitis – huh? I know vets who specialise in this….

    • sbj1964

      She's a witch! She turned me into a Newt! Well I got better.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Why is Gingrich debating Huntsman today???

    For reals.

    • Katydid

      Oh, lord, and they're branding it a "Lincoln-Douglas Debate."

      There are no appropriate words for how much that is the opposite of true.

      • Nostrildamus

        It's true in the sense that one candidate wants to take country back to the 1840s, while the other is looking forward to the 1860s.

    • flamingpdog

      More like a Lincoln Log – Douglas Fir debate. Except nothing there could ever give me wood.

    • Negropolis

      Huntsman reminds me so much of Howdy Doody it's not even funny.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Perry made a promise to them that he won't be gay anymore.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      A hollow oath if you ask me — the real challenge would be pledging not to seem gay anymore..

  • SayItWithWookies

    Gingrich Pledges Not to Commit Infidelity a Third Time

    Well of course not — the third time was so long ago that he doesn't even have her number anymore.

    • sbj1964

      Newt, want's Cain as his Vice President just to have wing man at the clubs.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Gross. Just gross.

  • DahBoner

    Newt Gingrich Promises To Stop Cheating On His Wives

    Newtie is going Mormon?

    How many dang Mormons does America need?

  • GOPCrusher

    So whats he going to do about those 85 ethic violations that got him run out of Congress?

    • flamingpdog

      Those were youthful indiscretions.

    • TheMightyHaltor

      Newt's happily willing to promise that, if elected President, not to get kicked out of Congress due to ethics violations.

  • BarackMyWorld
    • yyyaz

      "Dishonest" is genuinely genteel when used to describe the coldly calculated factfucking at Faux.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Newt added "And since I came out against marriage for teh Gayez, the buttsex doesn't count as cheating on my wife, right?"

  • Rotundo_

    Third time around and Newtie is turning over a new leaf eh? The first overly ambitious and flirtatious campaign volunteer that turns his eye will fix this one as well. Old habits die hard, if at all. I'm surprised he hasn't traded up again already, Callista has to be getting a bit stale.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I didn't know plastic could go stale. You learn something new every day.

  • arihaya

    like Sylvester promising to stop chasing Tweety

    • sbj1964

      I like that.Excellent

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    The propensity of the newt for coming up with new tail is legendary … I suspect that what's inhibiting him here is the fact that Callista will strangle him.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      If he can generate his own tail, why doesn't he go fuck himself?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com PalinzADummy

      Ischemia in efts! Fascinating.

      • flamingpdog

        Eft U, Newt Gingrich!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    READ MY LIPS! No new bitches!

  • JackObin

    Oh and Newt, please also promise to lay off the Doritos, you miserable fat turd.

  • sbj1964

    Newt claims he is going to "stop cheating on his wives."Well you can take that to the bank !!!But you might want to stop by Tyffanie's so he can pick something out for his girlfriend.

  • Pragmatist2

    "Germany Says 'Nein!' to Fourth Reich!!!!"
    "Charlie Manson Pledges not to Kill Again"

  • http://littlegreenfootballs.com/article/39308_Breitbarts_Fans_Spew_Racism_Call_for_President_Obama_t glamourdammerung

    So he does not love America enough to cheat on his wife anymore.

  • Negropolis

    I'll never foret "whore-trinket". When I am old and gray (FSM willing), and I'm being abused in some futuristic nursing home – where they really won't be able to hear you scream due to the new materials used in structure building – I'll just think of "whore-trinket", and I'll smile as a slip away into sweet, saving unconciousness…

    Wait; what were we talking about, again?

  • Negropolis

    We shall know his sincerity by the reduction in his Tiffany credit account.

    This shows just how debased the GOP candidates are. Their lead candidate has to promise not to bang random women. That's going to stack up quite nicely against the president.

  • ttommyunger

    Please God let Newt be the Nominee so he can die knowing he was one of only two men beaten for the Presidency by a young, uppity black guy.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    This, of course, means Callista is about to get frosted.

  • SenileAgitation

    Fuck Newt (but glad to see him called out again), what caught my eye at National Enquirer was the next story about Vivian Leigh, some kinda frisky, that one. Very Republican tastes…

  • llittle1

    Newt Gingrich and his fourth vow of no infidelity sounds about as truthful as Jerry Sandusky’s claims of being innocent of shower misbehavior, Larry Craig’s toe tapping incident or Ted Haggard’s missteps……….in all of these men, there is strong evidence their dicks have no conscience and if an opportunity arose, they would put employ their turgid pudenda for self gratification.
    He was guilty of 80 or 90 ethics violations while speaker and was only fined for one offense and resigned in disgrace………why give this lying loser another chance to prove he is unfit?……….He’ll burn out on Calista in three or four months or less and go getting blow jobs in car seats and be horizontally refreshed on his desk top.

  • DahBoner

    "A woman discovers the answer to the question: Why do many men, after a breakup or a divorce, find it so difficult to be alone, while most women in the same situation seem just fine?"

    HAHAHA!

    Women are sooooooo clueless about how their own brains work, much less how men's brains work very, very differently.

    Because women like sex, maybe 1000 times less than men.

    DUH!!!

  • bagofmice

    In the vicinity of Larry Flynt? No matter what happens, somebody's flag is getting wrapped.

  • chicken_thief

    Where is perfect hair Mitt when you need him?

  • HempDogbane

    Next week Newt will promise never to wear magic underpants.