saturday night dead

The Best of Saturday’s Painful GOP Idiot Debate (VIDEO)

The whole debate, in a minute! That’s as much time as anybody should really have to spend thinking about the latest Republican Dimbulb Derby, which was broadcast on Saturday night to an audience of people who were unable to find the remote. At least everybody piled on the fat crying amoral jewelry-debt baby Newt Gingrich, who was probably divorcing his latest wife via text message live on teevee. What else did the numbnuts say during Saturday’s GOP debate? The answers may repulse you!

How can Rick Perry prove that Newt Gingrich is “right” when it comes to the fact that the Palestinians were invented in Season Five of Star Trek: The Next Generation? Easy! He just needs to jabber incoherently about the Chinese and the Russians, in Iran.

What about Doctor Ron Paul? Could he maybe get out his magic libertarian scalpel and, say, dicing the fat slag Newt Gingrich into hundreds of tiny hypocritical pieces?

Who wants America to be destroyed, finally? WE DO, obviously. This country sucks. It’s ungovernable, it’s run by kleptocrats and war criminals, it really should be dismantled. Why not elect Ron Paul and let him dismantle the federal government? It is EVIL, after all. It’s not like it can be saved. (Haha, we tried that in 2008!) Then the smart people can move to the good states/nations, which will have nationalized health care and social welfare and wise environmental policies, etc., and the dumb people can stay where they are and all die of diabetes in their early teens, the end.

Sorry the Wonkette Team couldn’t “get it together” to live-blog this thing. But face it, nobody wants to sit at home on a Saturday night and watch these gross crooks for 90 minutes or even a single minute, right? And you didn’t watch it either, we bet! So here’s the whole thing, why not waste an hour or so “on the job” by cursing quietly at your computer?

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    1. Not_So_Much

      I sure as fuck can't. I'll have to pay you in hobo beans though, as I'm no Newt and am fresh out of whore diamonds.

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      well I watched all of 'em except for the full hour and 30 minute parade of propaganda, and my favorite is watching Uncle Ron Paultard wow his legions of stupid white males in business suits with his most excellent summary of why 'Merka is so fucked (sweet holy jeebus do they ONLY let ignorant white male assholes in business suits into these fucking debates/ circle jerks?

      1. Designer Rants

        Or a horrible Diet Caffeine-Free Coke / Diet Coke mix-up mishap (they keep changin' the cans on Deity Birthday Month!)

    1. sbj1964

      These republican debates are hard to watch.It's just torture watching Rick Perry trying to compete a sentence .

    1. spareme

      Insane asylums are far more interesting than these debates. The inmates are smarter too. And make far better sense. And take more interesting drugs, also.

  1. Generation[redacted]

    What? What'd I miss?

    Sorry, Saturday nights are reserved for drinking and not watching a GOP debate.

    1. savethispatient

      I assume you're not saying you would spend any other night watching a GOP debate without drinking?

  2. Blueb4sunrise

    But face it, nobody wants to sit at home on a Saturday night and watch these gross crooks for 90 minutes or even a single minute, right? And you didn’t watch it either, we bet!

    Absolutely not! Only a buncha lozers would do that!!

  3. memzilla

    Has anyone noticed that the less we see of Snowbilly Grifter, the more we see of Guvnor Good Hair? And we've never seen the two of them together in the same place?

    1. Not_So_Much

      With as much spooge as he's spanking out, it's a wonder the whole state isn't sticky. You may already have one in the oven just for saying the state name out loud.

  4. Callyson

    Rick Perry wants to talk about "leading from the rear"?!?
    Irony is not dead…it just has no idea how to compete…

  5. memzilla

    Yeah, I'll bet $10,000 that nobody here watched the whole debate, either.

    Wait — let me adjust my position on that: I'll bet $10,000 that nobody here watched the whole debate without drinking.

    1. user-of-owls

      Please make the check out to: User O. Owls, Esq., Third Nest on the Left, East Soberville, AR.

      And yes, I am going to feather my nest with it.

  6. Steverino247

    I feel really sorry for the person in charge of opposition research on the Obama campaign who actually has to pay attention to these shows.

    And on a much darker note, if Bill Johnson was running, would he throw his jizz on Michele Bachmann and yell "I can smell your cunt?" I might watch that.

    1. Designer Rants

      I can see Newt as Dr. Lecter, because when he starts saying things, I want to swallow my tongue. Or a cup of Drano and razor blades.

  7. freakishlywrong

    why not waste an hour or so “on the job” by cursing quietly at your computer?
    Actually, you've described my entire 8 hour day.

  8. DaRooster

    "Sorry the Wonkette Team couldn’t “get it together” to live-blog this thing."

    Well, my liver thanks you…

  9. Callyson

    And I love how even the Republicans in the audience can't help but laugh when Gingrinch claims that he never did any lobbying, and that he was in "the private sector." Yeah, because lots of people in the private sector spend their time hanging around politicians, trying to "educate" them…

  10. slithytoves

    Everyone is moaning about what a ridiculous bunch of morans the Republicans are fielding, but no one is doing anything about it. It's not like we have strict gun control laws in this country. Sheesh.

  11. OkieDokieDog

    I did read that this was the most watched debate ever in the history of this year of unending GOP debates, but it was probably just the fangirls and fanboys wanting to look at Diane and George.

    1. Jerri

      On Sunday morning at the gym, one TV was tuned to the Sunday talk shows, one was some entertainment show that was recapping SNL. Both were showing clips that featured the Republican debate/Republican debate parody.

      Maybe it's because I didn't have my glasses on and was loopy from running, but I swear you couldn't tell the difference.

  12. johnnyzhivago

    The RNC has issued new directions to ALL the Presidential campaigns – due to an inordinate number of wrong answers to questions in debates or interviews candidates are advised they can invoke the Geneva Convention and provide only their name, rank and serial number when answering any question.

  13. Baconzgood

    I watched the first 59 seconds and I stopped. Oh, by the way, I'd like those 59 seconds of my life back Jr.

  14. Nopantsmcgee

    Hey, I didn't watch it because I thought I could read about it from Wonkette's live-blogging.

    And also because Diane Sawyer was moderating.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Haha, I watched the whole damn thing. And for some reason I don't remember any of it — less because of intense abandonment of sobriety than because the candidates' sordid, ridiculous bullshit starts running together after too many listens.

  16. MzNicky

    Love the expressions on Newt's smug ugly mug while Ron Paul's schoolin' his fat ass about being a "serial hypocrite." Looks like he's dying to just crane his neck around, unhinge his jaw and bite that little old man's head off.

  17. johnnyzhivago

    Ron Paul must have some sort of mental disorder that allows him to speak lucently and intelligently for about 30 seconds before he veers off and says stuff that's totally insane

  18. RedneckMuslin

    What Romney really meant to Newt and Rick: If I would have turned gay when I was little I would mandate you to suck my private sector for 10,000 bucks

  19. paris biltong

    There seems to be a Paultard trend at Wonkett and in fact the castrato comes out best (of an admittedly bad bunch).

    1. prommie

      I certainly hope you are wrong, Paultards are among the worst kind of tard, what with most of them being patronizing sociopaths and IT workers.

    2. poncho_pilot

      i think the problem here is that everyone else at the debates repeats from a certain set of wingnut talking points but Ron Paul repeats line from his own set of talking points. some of these points sound reasonable and sane even. the rest of it though? it's still Ron Paul and his conspiracy theorist anti-Fed schtick.

  20. LiveToServeYa

    Kleptocracies work as long as everybody has an equal chance to steal: egalokleptocracy. And these debates succeed wonderfully in making us hate all these people, as if we needed further incentive.

  21. prommie

    I liked the part where Rick Santorum said "I like rabbits, George." And then Rick Perry waved a sickle at him and said "some folks call it a Kaiser blade, but I call it a sling blade."

  22. prommie

    All I can say is "Tebow help us" if any of these fucksticks ever gets within a snowball's chance of getting elected.

  23. WunkRocker

    "…and the dumb people can stay where they are and all die of diabetes in their early teens…"
    So, TEXAS?

  24. smitallica

    It's ironic to me that all the same people who think Obama is arrogant and professorial are now big fans of Newt Gingrich, who is even more so. And fat.

    And yes, Rick, there were NO problems in the Middle East until Obama became president. Nope. Not a one. It was a regular Disneyland over there before the black Kenyan usurper showed up.

    1. SorosBot

      But see, when talking about Obama they use arrogant to mean "uppity", Newt's a white guy so he's allowed to be arrogant.

  25. smitallica

    Know what else, Rick? I would rather a President lose one unmanned drone than over four thousand kids. But that's just me.

  26. Dok-cupy Everything

    "…the fact that the Palestinians were invented in Season Five of Star Trek: The Next Generation"

    Ensign Ro sees what you did there.

  27. ttommyunger

    C'mon, isn't there room for one more in the Republican Clown Car? Carl Rove must wake up every morning feeling like he has to shit a wildcat, I just fucking love it.

  28. Antispandex

    Oh, please let Newt win the nomination! I just HAVE to hear the "christians" explain why he is more moral and upright than the President.

  29. fuflans

    i've said this before but dr paul is quite charming. and so much more competent than – god – everyone else on that stage.

    what happened to his fucking son?

  30. poorgradstudent

    The sad thing is if you sent a tape of this back 30 or so years people would think it's brilliant political satire.

    1. Negropolis

      30 or so year? I think you mean 30 or so months. These fuckers have gotten exponentially more crazy since 2008.

  31. Beanball

    I keep pushing the little triangle thingies but the videos refuse to play.

    How can I be inspired by the American political process if I can't see it in a little box on an obviously Soros-funded humor blog?

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