SATURDAY NIGHT DEAD  12:32 pm December 12, 2011

The Best of Saturday’s Painful GOP Idiot Debate (VIDEO)

by Wonkette Jr.

The whole debate, in a minute! That’s as much time as anybody should really have to spend thinking about the latest Republican Dimbulb Derby, which was broadcast on Saturday night to an audience of people who were unable to find the remote. At least everybody piled on the fat crying amoral jewelry-debt baby Newt Gingrich, who was probably divorcing his latest wife via text message live on teevee. What else did the numbnuts say during Saturday’s GOP debate? The answers may repulse you!

How can Rick Perry prove that Newt Gingrich is “right” when it comes to the fact that the Palestinians were invented in Season Five of Star Trek: The Next Generation? Easy! He just needs to jabber incoherently about the Chinese and the Russians, in Iran.

What about Doctor Ron Paul? Could he maybe get out his magic libertarian scalpel and, say, dicing the fat slag Newt Gingrich into hundreds of tiny hypocritical pieces?

Who wants America to be destroyed, finally? WE DO, obviously. This country sucks. It’s ungovernable, it’s run by kleptocrats and war criminals, it really should be dismantled. Why not elect Ron Paul and let him dismantle the federal government? It is EVIL, after all. It’s not like it can be saved. (Haha, we tried that in 2008!) Then the smart people can move to the good states/nations, which will have nationalized health care and social welfare and wise environmental policies, etc., and the dumb people can stay where they are and all die of diabetes in their early teens, the end.

Sorry the Wonkette Team couldn’t “get it together” to live-blog this thing. But face it, nobody wants to sit at home on a Saturday night and watch these gross crooks for 90 minutes or even a single minute, right? And you didn’t watch it either, we bet! So here’s the whole thing, why not waste an hour or so “on the job” by cursing quietly at your computer?

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 128 comments }

SexySmurf December 12, 2011 at 12:35 pm

I bet you $10,000 you can't watch everyone of these videos all the way through.

Not_So_Much December 12, 2011 at 12:49 pm

I sure as fuck can't. I'll have to pay you in hobo beans though, as I'm no Newt and am fresh out of whore diamonds.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard December 12, 2011 at 2:23 pm

I think Newt actually refers to them as blonde diamonds.

comrad_darkness December 12, 2011 at 12:53 pm

You win.

Geminisunmars December 12, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Where do I send the check?

Dashboard_Jesus December 13, 2011 at 1:00 am

well I watched all of 'em except for the full hour and 30 minute parade of propaganda, and my favorite is watching Uncle Ron Paultard wow his legions of stupid white males in business suits with his most excellent summary of why 'Merka is so fucked (sweet holy jeebus do they ONLY let ignorant white male assholes in business suits into these fucking debates/ circle jerks?

DerrickWildcat December 12, 2011 at 12:36 pm

LOL! Mormons can't gamble!

OneYieldRegular December 12, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Like Joe Walsh, Mitt will blame it on too much coffee. OMG! Coffee!?!…

Isyaignert December 12, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Or like Gnewt and say his deep love his country causes him to do dumb shit.

Designer Rants December 12, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Or a horrible Diet Caffeine-Free Coke / Diet Coke mix-up mishap (they keep changin' the cans on Deity Birthday Month!)

sbj1964 December 12, 2011 at 1:31 pm

These republican debates are hard to watch.It's just torture watching Rick Perry trying to compete a sentence .

nounverb911 December 12, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Isn't the season almost over? When do they go into reruns?

LesBontemps December 12, 2011 at 12:50 pm

These are the reruns!

poncho_pilot December 12, 2011 at 1:19 pm

when will then be now?

RadioYKWE December 12, 2011 at 1:33 pm

It's the syndication that will kill us.

MrFizzy December 12, 2011 at 12:37 pm

This is like an inside look at a really boring insane asylum.

nounverb911 December 12, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Nurse Ratched approves this message.

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Too bad the World Series is over.

Callyson December 12, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Medication time!

MrFizzy December 12, 2011 at 12:59 pm

The lot of them need either less medication or more – the present dose isn't working.

spareme December 12, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Insane asylums are far more interesting than these debates. The inmates are smarter too. And make far better sense. And take more interesting drugs, also.

Generation[redacted] December 12, 2011 at 12:38 pm

What? What'd I miss?

Sorry, Saturday nights are reserved for drinking and not watching a GOP debate.

savethispatient December 12, 2011 at 12:45 pm

I assume you're not saying you would spend any other night watching a GOP debate without drinking?

ShitFilledExistence December 12, 2011 at 12:54 pm

That could most definitely be defined as 'torture'.

Generation[redacted] December 12, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Republicans don't call it torture. They prefer "enhanced electioneering techniques."

Blueb4sunrise December 12, 2011 at 12:38 pm

But face it, nobody wants to sit at home on a Saturday night and watch these gross crooks for 90 minutes or even a single minute, right? And you didn’t watch it either, we bet!

Absolutely not! Only a buncha lozers would do that!!

MzNicky December 12, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Yeah! Who wanted to do/did that, anyway?

user-of-owls December 12, 2011 at 8:44 pm

I know I certainly wouldn't!

memzilla December 12, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Has anyone noticed that the less we see of Snowbilly Grifter, the more we see of Guvnor Good Hair? And we've never seen the two of them together in the same place?

Baconzgood December 12, 2011 at 12:57 pm

I think you're on to somthing Ms. Lane.

paris biltong December 12, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Hmm

OkieDokieDog December 12, 2011 at 12:40 pm

I did watch the debate and I'm gonna need better drugs to watch another.

MzNicky December 12, 2011 at 1:02 pm

May I suggest mescaline? Worked for me. Except I burnt the Christmas cookies.

Nothingisamiss December 12, 2011 at 3:33 pm

But those wedding cake cookies sounded good! I've been hungry for them ever since you posted.

MzNicky December 12, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Yeah, those actually turned out ok. Wish I could message you some. Dang useless InternetsTubes.

freakishlywrong December 12, 2011 at 12:41 pm

If Layne isn't "Wonkette Jr." I'll let some asshole Republican from Alabama impregnate me.

Not_So_Much December 12, 2011 at 12:51 pm

With as much spooge as he's spanking out, it's a wonder the whole state isn't sticky. You may already have one in the oven just for saying the state name out loud.

freakishlywrong December 12, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Oh good. Seeing as I'm librul, I'm falling behind on my abortion quota.

spareme December 12, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Wait – I know one! But, you'll have to bring your own cup.

actor212 December 12, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Bah! I can sum it up in one word:

BABABOOEY!

Callyson December 12, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Rick Perry wants to talk about "leading from the rear"?!?
Irony is not dead…it just has no idea how to compete…

drpaul2012 December 12, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Perry is cumming from behind.

Nothingisamiss December 12, 2011 at 3:34 pm

If I remember correctly, Santorum talked about change from the bottom up.

memzilla December 12, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Yeah, I'll bet $10,000 that nobody here watched the whole debate, either.

Wait — let me adjust my position on that: I'll bet $10,000 that nobody here watched the whole debate without drinking.

MzNicky December 12, 2011 at 1:03 pm

It would be unpossible.

Nothingisamiss December 12, 2011 at 3:34 pm

And unpracticable.

user-of-owls December 12, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Please make the check out to: User O. Owls, Esq., Third Nest on the Left, East Soberville, AR.

And yes, I am going to feather my nest with it.

Steverino247 December 12, 2011 at 12:42 pm

I feel really sorry for the person in charge of opposition research on the Obama campaign who actually has to pay attention to these shows.

And on a much darker note, if Bill Johnson was running, would he throw his jizz on Michele Bachmann and yell "I can smell your cunt?" I might watch that.

Designer Rants December 12, 2011 at 9:45 pm

I can see Newt as Dr. Lecter, because when he starts saying things, I want to swallow my tongue. Or a cup of Drano and razor blades.

freakishlywrong December 12, 2011 at 12:42 pm

why not waste an hour or so “on the job” by cursing quietly at your computer?
Actually, you've described my entire 8 hour day.

prommie December 12, 2011 at 4:31 pm

That describes all of my days, katie.

DaRooster December 12, 2011 at 12:43 pm

"Sorry the Wonkette Team couldn’t “get it together” to live-blog this thing."

Well, my liver thanks you…

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2011 at 12:43 pm

I bet Stalin never made a $10,000 bet. That's all I'm saying.

LiveToServeYa December 12, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Well, Stalin did say never bet $10 grand with anybody in front of a camera.

drpaul2012 December 12, 2011 at 12:43 pm

People are learning more about Seussian economics and Ron Paul is catching on fire.
http://drpaul2012.wordpress.com/

AlterNewt December 12, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Just lock 'em all in a room together and whatever happens, happens.

Allmighty_Manos December 12, 2011 at 12:43 pm

And Dwight Eisenhower wept

veritass December 12, 2011 at 12:43 pm

"The best of Saturday's CTRL+V"

Callyson December 12, 2011 at 12:45 pm

And I love how even the Republicans in the audience can't help but laugh when Gingrinch claims that he never did any lobbying, and that he was in "the private sector." Yeah, because lots of people in the private sector spend their time hanging around politicians, trying to "educate" them…

MzNicky December 12, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Even Newt could hardly suppress a guffaw as he said it.

slithytoves December 12, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Everyone is moaning about what a ridiculous bunch of morans the Republicans are fielding, but no one is doing anything about it. It's not like we have strict gun control laws in this country. Sheesh.

Spurning Beer December 12, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Without Herman Caine and Tim Pawlenty on the dais, it's like watching Dallas without Victoria Principal in the cast.

nounverb911 December 12, 2011 at 1:12 pm

"I had the strangest dream last night".

SexySmurf December 12, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Didn't Ronald Reagan play Newt Romney in a movie once?

OkieDokieDog December 12, 2011 at 12:48 pm

I did read that this was the most watched debate ever in the history of this year of unending GOP debates, but it was probably just the fangirls and fanboys wanting to look at Diane and George.

DaRooster December 12, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Worst SNL sketches EVER!

littlebigdaddy December 12, 2011 at 12:54 pm

At least since Toonces the driving cat.

Generation[redacted] December 12, 2011 at 1:15 pm

If only it ended with all of them driving off a cliff.

Geminisunmars December 12, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Instead of our country.

Jerri December 12, 2011 at 2:14 pm

On Sunday morning at the gym, one TV was tuned to the Sunday talk shows, one was some entertainment show that was recapping SNL. Both were showing clips that featured the Republican debate/Republican debate parody.

Maybe it's because I didn't have my glasses on and was loopy from running, but I swear you couldn't tell the difference.

Negropolis December 13, 2011 at 1:22 am

**said with stereotypical elitist sneer** Yeah, it was better when Chevy did it.

Mumbletypeg December 12, 2011 at 12:50 pm

I couldn't enjoy "A Child's Garden of Versus" less if I were still cutting new teeth, watching adults I actually liked tear eachother apart.

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2011 at 12:50 pm

This is good news for Donald Trump.

johnnyzhivago December 12, 2011 at 12:50 pm

The RNC has issued new directions to ALL the Presidential campaigns – due to an inordinate number of wrong answers to questions in debates or interviews candidates are advised they can invoke the Geneva Convention and provide only their name, rank and serial number when answering any question.

slithytoves December 12, 2011 at 12:51 pm

I'll bet you a million dollars that Obama wins the 2012 election.

WhatTheHeck December 12, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Did someone say, “The debate of the great white dopes?”

donner_froh December 12, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Needs moar words.

I can never bring myself to click on any of the videos of those fuckheads. Text is best when dealing with the unwatchable.

Goonemeritus December 12, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Were I a Republican I would stop Clinging to Religion and guns and put the latter in my mouth.

Baconzgood December 12, 2011 at 12:53 pm

I watched the first 59 seconds and I stopped. Oh, by the way, I'd like those 59 seconds of my life back Jr.

Nopantsmcgee December 12, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Hey, I didn't watch it because I thought I could read about it from Wonkette's live-blogging.

And also because Diane Sawyer was moderating.

James Michael Curley December 12, 2011 at 1:40 pm

She has great legs. I'll never understand why she hides them under a desk.

BarackMyWorld December 12, 2011 at 12:55 pm
SayItWithWookies December 12, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Haha, I watched the whole damn thing. And for some reason I don't remember any of it — less because of intense abandonment of sobriety than because the candidates' sordid, ridiculous bullshit starts running together after too many listens.

Schmannnity December 12, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Barack Obama is one lucky SOB

littlebigdaddy December 12, 2011 at 12:55 pm

So now we know what Mittens keeps in his magic underwear: 10 large.

An_Outhouse December 12, 2011 at 12:58 pm

The Jefferson Airplane said it first but its the "Worst of …" not the "Best of …"

MzNicky December 12, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Love the expressions on Newt's smug ugly mug while Ron Paul's schoolin' his fat ass about being a "serial hypocrite." Looks like he's dying to just crane his neck around, unhinge his jaw and bite that little old man's head off.

Chillwaver December 12, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Silly Mitt. Everyone knows that rich people only do $1 bets…

fartknocker December 12, 2011 at 1:01 pm

And in less than 48 hours after this debate Rick Perry declared that the defunct solar panel manufacturer Solynada is not a corporation but a country.
http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/

LetUsBray December 12, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Silly Rick: Corporations are people, not countries.

johnnyzhivago December 12, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Ron Paul must have some sort of mental disorder that allows him to speak lucently and intelligently for about 30 seconds before he veers off and says stuff that's totally insane

LetUsBray December 12, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Senility?

Geminisunmars December 12, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Republicanity?

DaRooster December 13, 2011 at 5:07 pm

That's pot…

RedneckMuslin December 12, 2011 at 1:02 pm

What Romney really meant to Newt and Rick: If I would have turned gay when I was little I would mandate you to suck my private sector for 10,000 bucks

paris biltong December 12, 2011 at 1:03 pm

There seems to be a Paultard trend at Wonkett and in fact the castrato comes out best (of an admittedly bad bunch).

prommie December 12, 2011 at 1:07 pm

I certainly hope you are wrong, Paultards are among the worst kind of tard, what with most of them being patronizing sociopaths and IT workers.

SorosBot December 12, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Are there any IT workers who are not sociopaths?

GOPCrusher December 12, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Yes, but the majority of them have H1-B visas.

poncho_pilot December 12, 2011 at 1:16 pm

i think the problem here is that everyone else at the debates repeats from a certain set of wingnut talking points but Ron Paul repeats line from his own set of talking points. some of these points sound reasonable and sane even. the rest of it though? it's still Ron Paul and his conspiracy theorist anti-Fed schtick.

LiveToServeYa December 12, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Kleptocracies work as long as everybody has an equal chance to steal: egalokleptocracy. And these debates succeed wonderfully in making us hate all these people, as if we needed further incentive.

prommie December 12, 2011 at 1:05 pm

I liked the part where Rick Santorum said "I like rabbits, George." And then Rick Perry waved a sickle at him and said "some folks call it a Kaiser blade, but I call it a sling blade."

prommie December 12, 2011 at 1:08 pm

All I can say is "Tebow help us" if any of these fucksticks ever gets within a snowball's chance of getting elected.

WunkRocker December 12, 2011 at 1:12 pm

"…and the dumb people can stay where they are and all die of diabetes in their early teens…"
So, TEXAS?

snackypants December 12, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Newt's new nickname: Blinky Gingrich.

LesBontemps December 12, 2011 at 1:19 pm

I find these videos difficult to masturbate to.

sbj1964 December 12, 2011 at 1:21 pm

The first movie Newt stared in was GhostBusters, He played the Stay Puff guy.

cletar December 12, 2011 at 11:44 pm

I thought he was Slimer.

elviouslyqueer December 12, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Needs moar fisticuffs. WAY moar fisticuffs.

GOPCrusher December 12, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Really only one way to settle this. A chainsaw fight inside of a steel cage.

WunkRocker December 12, 2011 at 5:03 pm

An electric steel cage. In a swimming pool. A deep one.

vtxmcrider December 13, 2011 at 10:57 am

The best match would be Michele Bachmann with the chainsaw going after all her invisible demons.

smitallica December 12, 2011 at 1:52 pm

It's ironic to me that all the same people who think Obama is arrogant and professorial are now big fans of Newt Gingrich, who is even more so. And fat.

And yes, Rick, there were NO problems in the Middle East until Obama became president. Nope. Not a one. It was a regular Disneyland over there before the black Kenyan usurper showed up.

SorosBot December 12, 2011 at 2:20 pm

But see, when talking about Obama they use arrogant to mean "uppity", Newt's a white guy so he's allowed to be arrogant.

smitallica December 12, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Know what else, Rick? I would rather a President lose one unmanned drone than over four thousand kids. But that's just me.

Dok-cupy Everything December 12, 2011 at 2:09 pm

"…the fact that the Palestinians were invented in Season Five of Star Trek: The Next Generation"

Ensign Ro sees what you did there.

SenileAgitation December 12, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Needs more Republican cum-in-a-cup

Nostrildamus December 12, 2011 at 2:36 pm

My favorite line was Frothy saying "I'm for bottom-up".

ttommyunger December 12, 2011 at 3:01 pm

C'mon, isn't there room for one more in the Republican Clown Car? Carl Rove must wake up every morning feeling like he has to shit a wildcat, I just fucking love it.

vtxmcrider December 13, 2011 at 10:59 am

Never forget that Rove spells his first name the Nazi way!

ttommyunger December 13, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Oh, I misspelled his name? Horrors! Another indignity added.

Antispandex December 12, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Oh, please let Newt win the nomination! I just HAVE to hear the "christians" explain why he is more moral and upright than the President.

WunkRocker December 12, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Duh. Children of Ham.

Comixbear December 12, 2011 at 10:13 pm

Nope. Still too long.

fuflans December 12, 2011 at 11:41 pm

i've said this before but dr paul is quite charming. and so much more competent than – god – everyone else on that stage.

what happened to his fucking son?

poorgradstudent December 13, 2011 at 1:22 am

The sad thing is if you sent a tape of this back 30 or so years people would think it's brilliant political satire.

Negropolis December 13, 2011 at 1:25 am

30 or so year? I think you mean 30 or so months. These fuckers have gotten exponentially more crazy since 2008.

Beanball December 13, 2011 at 4:58 pm

I keep pushing the little triangle thingies but the videos refuse to play.

How can I be inspired by the American political process if I can't see it in a little box on an obviously Soros-funded humor blog?

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