ANTI-SEXYTIME  12:01 pm December 12, 2011

Alabama Wingnut Politician Secretly Impregnating Lesbians In New Zealand

by Wonkette Jr.

'I gots so much sperm to put in nine lesbians!'A failed Republican candidate for governor in Alabama has been discovered on a lesbian-impregnating rampage in New Zealand, despite his own anti-homosexual political actions and the fact that he’s married to a “two-time Mrs America finalist who has three children from a former relationship.” Bill Johnson, a conservative Christian politician who lost his 2009 campaign to become Alabama’s new wingnut governor, is now working for some charity in New Zealand. But he spends all his “free time” meeting lesbians online and then masturbating into a cup for the lesbians, who apparently want to have the children of this sketchy creep from the America’s Deep South. He also reportedly gives money to the lesbians, so they can have children even though they probably can’t afford the expense. It’s all so gross — he has knocked up somewhere between six and nine lesbians, with his anti-gay semen.

(Bill Johnson is apparently such a creep that the GOP in Alabama banned him from certain events, because he kept spreading weird rumors about the actual Republican governor.)

The New Zealand Herald reports:

Three of the women are now pregnant, and Johnson has assisted another three with donations in the past month. It is believed he has been in communication with at least another three women to discuss sperm donation.

His actions as a sperm donor sparked concern in the fertility medicine community, whose guidelines recommend donations are made in the regulated environment of a fertility clinic, and that no man provide sperm donations to more than four families.

Freak! So how did the newspaper confirm that Alabama wingnut Bill Johnson was sexing-from-a-distance with all these lesbian ladies, even though he campaigned against gay marriage in America?

The Herald on Sunday approached Johnson on Thursday at a restaurant in Christchurch where he had just finished dining with one of the women he had successfully impregnated.

He said the urge to become a biological father was “a need that I have.”

Oh it’s just a need that he has! No worries. [New Zealand Herald]

 
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{ 139 comments }

SorosBot December 12, 2011 at 12:04 pm

That is a very odd fetish.

Baconzgood December 12, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Nah. This and lemonparty.com are pretty straight forward stuff for the Alabama GOP.

Chillwaver December 12, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Just when you thought you couldn't top diapers and prostitutes.

chicken_thief December 12, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I thought Alabama prided itself on its pink dildos and tranny porn. Or was that TN? I'm starting to get all the Red State weird fetishes confused. …

Negropolis December 13, 2011 at 12:23 am

It was Georgia. But, honestly, what's the difference?

actor212 December 12, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Oh. It's cup pregancies.

I was sort of thinking it might be worth switching parties, if it means being a sperm-toy for hot lesbian Kiwis.

memzilla December 12, 2011 at 12:05 pm

If you're trying to convert the lesbians to either Christianity or straightness, Bill — ur doing it wrong.

sbj1964 December 12, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Sharing is caring.

ManchuCandidate December 12, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Oh come on! It's not about spreading his seed, it is about his fetish for masturbating into cups.

WhatTheHeck December 12, 2011 at 12:10 pm

The lesbians shout, “In the cup” to get him going.
But is his aim true?

ManchuCandidate December 12, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Probably. It gives new meaning to 2 Girls, 1 Cup.

Not_So_Much December 12, 2011 at 12:43 pm

The original is less likely to make me throw up than Bill himself is…

snackypants December 12, 2011 at 12:54 pm

You shouldn't have to travel all the way to New Zealand to fulfill this fetish!

PalinzADummy December 12, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Have you *seen* this dumbfuck?

Yes. Yes, you do.

horsedreamer_1 December 13, 2011 at 12:16 am

Eye see you pee.

EatsBabyDingos December 12, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Maybe he will write "Impregnating the Impregnable for Dummies."

SudsMcKenzie December 12, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Forward by Melissa Etheridge.

Chet Kincaid December 12, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Who could forget her first hit, "Somebody Bring Me Some Jism!"?

hagajim December 12, 2011 at 12:07 pm

I wonder if the kids will grow up to be anti-gay.

AlterNewt December 12, 2011 at 12:08 pm

"…masturbating into a cup for the lesbians…"

Because there's nothing lesbians love more than a Cup-O-Cum.

Baconzgood December 12, 2011 at 12:12 pm

He put the Cum-in-a-Cup place out of business.

actor212 December 12, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Darn. That means I have to go back to Sperm-o-rama…

Mojopo December 12, 2011 at 12:20 pm

You know, come to think of it, no – I really don't need lunch after all. I just need some bleach for my mind, thanks.

YasserArraFeck December 12, 2011 at 3:34 pm

There goes IHOJ (International House of Jizz)

memzilla December 12, 2011 at 12:08 pm

So this is the wingnut version of "Two Girls, One Cup?" Same reaction: *Blaargggh*!

lefty74 December 12, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Is a jizz by any other name less Tebow?

freakishlywrong December 12, 2011 at 12:08 pm

This is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but a wingnut.

chicken_thief December 12, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Not with a bang, but with a jack.

Baconzgood December 12, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Big deal. I do the same thing only with out the cup.

Spurning Beer December 12, 2011 at 12:35 pm

…or the lesbians.

Baconzgood December 12, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Touche.

Redrighthand December 12, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Someone alert Rick perry!!!

Chillwaver December 12, 2011 at 12:26 pm

"You don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military, but Republican politicians can't openly impregnate lesbians in New Zealand"

chicken_thief December 12, 2011 at 2:19 pm

The Bachmanns have been notified and when last seen, Michele was beating feet the opposite direction from New Zealand while Marcus was nothing but elbows and assholes sprinting towards Alabama.

Biff December 12, 2011 at 5:37 pm

So wingnut xtain repub politicians from Alabama need a fluffer, you're saying?

Buzz Feedback December 12, 2011 at 12:09 pm

This is the kind of news Jesus wants about his followers right before his birthday.

donner_froh December 12, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Wait, you mean there is something wrong with thinking about a hot lesbian couple while I masturbate?

DerrickWildcat December 12, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Different strokes for different folks.

BarackMyWorld December 12, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Maybe he just really, really likes jerking off.

chicken_thief December 12, 2011 at 2:20 pm

It's for the kids!!!

Nostrildamus December 12, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Maybe he just really, really likes jerking off.

And at that moment, Nostrildamus was enlightened.

Negropolis December 13, 2011 at 12:27 am

Well, hell, don't we all? But, most of us don't send our man-juices to lesbians in New Zealand.

Sue4466 December 12, 2011 at 12:11 pm

I believe masturbating into a cup is a lifestyle choice.

RedneckMuslin December 12, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Some prefer Mountie Towels. The Quicker Dicker Picker Upper.

chicken_thief December 12, 2011 at 2:21 pm

So a napkin would be totally different, right?

Rotundo_ December 12, 2011 at 7:07 pm

And there are the endless variants to be found: Sweatsocks, baseball mitts, pop bottles, mason jars, it goes on and on. Being a WankAmerican is so much more nuanced than society sees it.

MaxNeanderthal December 12, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Looks like the "you couldn't make this shit up" department is clearing the decks for Xmas….

SudsMcKenzie December 12, 2011 at 12:12 pm

How did this man loose the Alabama Governorship?

Chillwaver December 12, 2011 at 12:28 pm

He failed to impregnate his cousin first.

Negropolis December 13, 2011 at 12:29 am

And, not for lack of trying, I'll tell you what.

donner_froh December 12, 2011 at 12:12 pm

The two-time Mrs America finalist should grab her three kids and run like hell.

BornInATrailer December 12, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Odd that his version of 2 girls/1 cup is actually more disgusting.

EDIT: Doh, of course I was too slow with this. Er.. how about:

Step 1: Take the lid off the cup

doloras December 12, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Step 2: Jerk off in the cup.

Step 3: Give the dykes the cup.

AND THAT'S THE WAY YOU DO IT!

Oblios_Cap December 12, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Now -what's all this about Bill's Johnson, then?

Mojopo December 12, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Is there some kind of kink to this mess that I am missing? Are men in NZ unable to jerk into a cup – is their aim really that poor? Speaking as a woman who wears comfortable shoes, I'm just not seeing "Be My Daddy" written all over this guy's face.

Why do women in NZ need the spooge of a hypocrite?

Geminisunmars December 12, 2011 at 12:33 pm

It's what happens when you are down under.

Mojopo December 12, 2011 at 12:38 pm

"I came in a cup down under…" That's just wrong. Wrong!

Chet Kincaid December 12, 2011 at 12:50 pm

"Spooge Of A Clown"

LesBontemps December 12, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Damn you! Now I'm gonna have twisted Smokey Robinson lyrics in my head all afternoon.

Geminisunmars December 12, 2011 at 1:05 pm

On so many levels!

HarryButtle December 12, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Now I'm gonna be singin' THAT song all day…and rewriting the lyrics to amuse myself, of course.

I said to the man are you trying to tempt me…yup, almost writes itself.

anniegetyerfun December 12, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Well, maybe now the Alabama GOP will take him back.

OkieDokieDog December 12, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I wouldn't even buy a used car from this guy, much less want his jacked-off into a Dixie cup little sperms swimming through my girly parts.

anniegetyerfun December 12, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Ha! See, that's what you would get if you DID buy a car from him.

Cupholders!

veritass December 12, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Mr. Johnson — Marcus will see you now.

Limeylizzie December 12, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Win for the ages.

Goonemeritus December 12, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Today we are all Lesbians with a deep seated fear of our mailboxes.

Chillwaver December 12, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Sorry NZ, but it still doesn't make up for inflicting Russell Crowe on us.

Limeylizzie December 12, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Yes, but there's Sam Neill.

veritass December 12, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Cup masturbation rights are human rights.

HempDogbane December 12, 2011 at 12:18 pm

To paraphrase Steve Martin, "This place has the best Donation in a Cup ever!"

fawkdifiknow December 12, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Didn’t I see this plot line in an episode of “Flight of the Chonchords”?

spends2much December 12, 2011 at 12:20 pm

There's gotta be some less gross juice out there for these ladies. Shouldn't Russell Crowe be taking care of this hemisphere?

hunnybee December 12, 2011 at 6:34 pm

oh. now that would be better.

HempDogbane December 12, 2011 at 12:20 pm

This is the best Donation in a Cup ever !

Nostrildamus December 12, 2011 at 4:36 pm

"Tithing" is, I think, what the kids call it these days.

flamingpdog December 12, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Through first-hand experience, Johnson understands the challenges facing our businesses and industries …

Soundz like he has a lot of right-hand experience going for him there.

proudgrampa December 12, 2011 at 12:20 pm

That doesn't sound like a Come Cup to me.

ThundercatHo December 12, 2011 at 12:21 pm

I hope there is a return policy when the little buggers all turn out to have the IQ of your average teabagger or look like their daddy.

Barrelhse December 12, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Send 'em to Alabama with no papers.
heh.

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2011 at 12:21 pm

That whole "snowballing" thing kind of grosses me out.

tcaalaw December 13, 2011 at 1:21 am

Prude!

fartknocker December 12, 2011 at 12:21 pm

This is not what I expected in Blowvember.

Also, this story is just wierd. Thanks Alabama for taking one in the category of Stupid, Religious, Jism Jockeys.

Dashboard Buddha December 12, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Captain Johnson and the Stupid, Religious Jism Jockeys

(not my new band name)

fuflans December 12, 2011 at 11:47 pm

but it's dicktember right? or did i get too drunk again?

freakishlywrong December 12, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Republicans. Deeply embarrassing the world over.

actor212 December 12, 2011 at 12:23 pm

I know one thing for sure: there are no panhandlers around this guy's office.

"Hey! That's not a quarter? WTF, dude?"

ttommyunger December 12, 2011 at 12:23 pm

All well and good, but whose hand is he using?

meatlofer December 12, 2011 at 12:23 pm

He went to New Zealand for the trout fishing ,and those silly Kiwis heard he was a Masterbaiter,well one thing lead to another………………….

DaRooster December 12, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Do they buy soiled "fortified" socks?

DemmeFatale December 12, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Just when I thought Monday couldn't get any grosser…

DaRooster December 12, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Is this guy building his own contingent for 2032?

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Why oh why couldn't this guy's parents name him "Richard" instead of "William"???

MzNicky December 12, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Let's see, Lesbia … Lesbia … got all these things twirlin' around in mah head …

Eh, I got nothin.

Mojopo December 12, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Why do you have to ruin stories about lesbians, with cum?

Mojopo December 12, 2011 at 12:29 pm

I'm fixing to get angry here. The more I think about this, the sicker I get.

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2011 at 12:27 pm

So, will the offspring of a gay Kiwi woman and a heterosexual rightwing turkey baster be gay or straight?

Mojopo December 12, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I don't know, but those heteros make a lot of gay babies. Pretty much most of them.

OneYieldRegular December 12, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Neither. He or she will simply be deported.

Barrelhse December 12, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I don't wanna look.

chicken_thief December 12, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Yes.

Dashboard Buddha December 12, 2011 at 12:27 pm

One wingnut – one cup

Johnson is so stupid he couldn't pour jiz out of a cup if the directions were written on the bottom.

You know, this could be the starting point of one of those Damion style movies.

Finally, I think all of humanity would be better served by an old grey gym sock in this case.

Chet Kincaid December 12, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Is that you, Tosh 2.0?

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2011 at 12:28 pm

If impregnating lesbians is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Come here a minute December 12, 2011 at 12:28 pm

So you're saying lesbians do want a little Johnson?

poncho_pilot December 12, 2011 at 12:28 pm

leave it to a Republican to personally outsource pregnancy.

KeepFnThatChicken December 12, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Wow, if I were going to go to the trouble of impregnating some females and paying for it, I better be getting laid.

MzNicky December 12, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Actually, the Billius Johnsonius is a common subspecies of the indigenous class of loud-braying belly-crawling reptiles hypocriticus pervovomitus ['Christian'] to be found throughout the Southeastern US, usually hiding under rocks and subsisting solely on alcohol.

HistoriCat December 12, 2011 at 12:43 pm

I didn't realize all the men in New Zealand had died. My condolences.

An_Outhouse December 12, 2011 at 12:44 pm

"Johnson also brings a proven track record of working across party lines". This just proves he's really a democrat.

chicken_thief December 12, 2011 at 2:32 pm

And explains how he lost, even though he is otherwise nutty enough to be Gov.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 12, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Why do I have a feeling that Bill O'Reilly will take a deep probing look into this entire controversy?

Indiepalin December 12, 2011 at 12:48 pm

I don't mind
Other guys dancing with my girl

Mojopo December 12, 2011 at 1:12 pm

That's fine. I know them all pretty well.

Chet Kincaid December 12, 2011 at 1:16 pm

I had things planned, but her wife wouldn't let her.

spareme December 12, 2011 at 12:49 pm

I'd like o thank Bill Johnson for being the latest biggest fuck up in the state of Alabama. Couldn't have happened at a better time – here I was thinking I'd have to resort to reading shit about Newt to get my laughs today, and here comes this pearl of a story. Don't worry folks, he is an asshole, will always be an asshole, and is the laughing stock of the state – oh wait, right next to the rest of the GOP.

comrad_darkness December 12, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Wait, how does an empathetic, educated, intelligent guy get in on this?

Oh, right, they don't.

donner_froh December 12, 2011 at 12:53 pm

The giant cum drip has never looked more appropriate.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 12, 2011 at 1:00 pm

"Alabama Wingnut Politician Secretly Impregnating Lesbians In New Zealand"

Best headline of the year!

OneYieldRegular December 12, 2011 at 1:01 pm

I see years and years and years of expensive therapy in the making.

chicken_thief December 12, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Has anyone confirmed that this is HIS semen being donated? I mean, he could be jackin' into a cup, or he could be spittin' into a cup. He is a Republican after all….

Negropolis December 13, 2011 at 12:38 am

I thought you were going to say that he could be jackin' off some other dude into a cup, 'cause that seems just as likely with the GOP.

Barrelhse December 12, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Asshole.

Guppy December 12, 2011 at 1:40 pm

"He also reportedly gives money to the lesbians, so they can have children even though they probably can’t afford the expense."

Because they don't have a man around the house! Amirite?

Anyway, Onanism!

Come here a minute December 12, 2011 at 1:52 pm

On Friday, Johnson changed his mind about speaking to the newspaper and said he did not want his comments published.

He demanded to know the newspaper's source, alleging the newspaper was in receipt of information that must have been sourced through phone or internet hacking.

Yes, Mr. Johnson, the primary issue here is clearly journalistic integrity.

Schmannnity December 12, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Spare the rod, spoil the child.

sbj1964 December 12, 2011 at 2:14 pm

This guy brings an all new meaning to the term BABY JUICE.

Soylent Green December 12, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Oh, honey – Tell the kids not to grow up and marry anybody in New Zealand, 'kay?

Soylent Green December 12, 2011 at 3:53 pm

. Defeating gay genes with straight ones sounds like EVOLUTION to me. I should know, I'm a microbiologist. I made a hormone.

fuflans December 12, 2011 at 11:49 pm

can i get one?

DonnyKerabotsos December 12, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Herman Cain is probably wishing he'd thought of this excuse.

Nostrildamus December 12, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Life Spunk will find a way!

OldRedneck December 12, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Is everyone aware of the fact that New Zealand is a major sheep-farming nation where sheep outnumber people about 5 to 1?

Now, I'm not suggesting that ol' Bill is servicing lonely ewes between boinking lesbians, but . . . just saying.

horsedreamer_1 December 13, 2011 at 12:19 am

How bizarre.

Negropolis December 13, 2011 at 12:33 am

You mean to tell me New Zealand lesbians would rather have this redneck's little bastards running around than mini Peter Jacksons? Really?

TheMeatmaker December 13, 2011 at 1:01 am

I'm from a new land
I look at you and
Your hand is moving
What are you doing?
Alabam…

tealsheart December 13, 2011 at 4:37 am

Hey god said to procreate…this guy is a pro at creating!

Next up: sex change. Hell, he's anti-Gay, not anti- sex, plus, he's not having sex, like most good Christians, raising his own little army.

His Azz up to something. /not even funny

Chet Kincaid December 12, 2011 at 1:20 pm
PalinzADummy December 12, 2011 at 2:59 pm

(Hugs the furry bugger)

No I'm not. I'm sitting here waiting for the anesthesiologist to call. And freaking out because the surgical nurse has not yet phoned in the prescriptions I will need. Surgery's tomorrow, I had to sneak over here instead of packing. It's better than drinking.

Hey! Wonketz! Better than drinking! For those of us who might be AA-inclined this sounds like a great new slogan and the start of a good ad campaign.

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