'I gots so much sperm to put in nine lesbians!'A failed Republican candidate for governor in Alabama has been discovered on a lesbian-impregnating rampage in New Zealand, despite his own anti-homosexual political actions and the fact that he’s married to a “two-time Mrs America finalist who has three children from a former relationship.” Bill Johnson, a conservative Christian politician who lost his 2009 campaign to become Alabama’s new wingnut governor, is now working for some charity in New Zealand. But he spends all his “free time” meeting lesbians online and then masturbating into a cup for the lesbians, who apparently want to have the children of this sketchy creep from the America’s Deep South. He also reportedly gives money to the lesbians, so they can have children even though they probably can’t afford the expense. It’s all so gross — he has knocked up somewhere between six and nine lesbians, with his anti-gay semen.

(Bill Johnson is apparently such a creep that the GOP in Alabama banned him from certain events, because he kept spreading weird rumors about the actual Republican governor.)

The New Zealand Herald reports:

Three of the women are now pregnant, and Johnson has assisted another three with donations in the past month. It is believed he has been in communication with at least another three women to discuss sperm donation.

His actions as a sperm donor sparked concern in the fertility medicine community, whose guidelines recommend donations are made in the regulated environment of a fertility clinic, and that no man provide sperm donations to more than four families.

Freak! So how did the newspaper confirm that Alabama wingnut Bill Johnson was sexing-from-a-distance with all these lesbian ladies, even though he campaigned against gay marriage in America?

The Herald on Sunday approached Johnson on Thursday at a restaurant in Christchurch where he had just finished dining with one of the women he had successfully impregnated.

He said the urge to become a biological father was “a need that I have.”

Oh it’s just a need that he has! No worries. [New Zealand Herald]

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  • SorosBot

    That is a very odd fetish.

  • Oh. It's cup pregancies.

    I was sort of thinking it might be worth switching parties, if it means being a sperm-toy for hot lesbian Kiwis.

  • memzilla

    If you're trying to convert the lesbians to either Christianity or straightness, Bill — ur doing it wrong.

    • sbj1964

      Sharing is caring.

  • Oh come on! It's not about spreading his seed, it is about his fetish for masturbating into cups.

    • WhatTheHeck

      The lesbians shout, “In the cup” to get him going.
      But is his aim true?

      • Probably. It gives new meaning to 2 Girls, 1 Cup.

        • Not_So_Much

          The original is less likely to make me throw up than Bill himself is…

    • snackypants

      You shouldn't have to travel all the way to New Zealand to fulfill this fetish!

      • Have you *seen* this dumbfuck?

        Yes. Yes, you do.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Eye see you pee.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Maybe he will write "Impregnating the Impregnable for Dummies."

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Forward by Melissa Etheridge.

      • Who could forget her first hit, "Somebody Bring Me Some Jism!"?

  • hagajim

    I wonder if the kids will grow up to be anti-gay.

  • AlterNewt

    "…masturbating into a cup for the lesbians…"

    Because there's nothing lesbians love more than a Cup-O-Cum.

    • Baconzgood

      He put the Cum-in-a-Cup place out of business.

      • Darn. That means I have to go back to Sperm-o-rama…

    • Mojopo

      You know, come to think of it, no – I really don't need lunch after all. I just need some bleach for my mind, thanks.

    • YasserArraFeck

      There goes IHOJ (International House of Jizz)

  • memzilla

    So this is the wingnut version of "Two Girls, One Cup?" Same reaction: *Blaargggh*!

  • lefty74

    Is a jizz by any other name less Tebow?

  • freakishlywrong

    This is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but a wingnut.

    • chicken_thief

      Not with a bang, but with a jack.

  • Baconzgood

    Big deal. I do the same thing only with out the cup.

  • Redrighthand

    Someone alert Rick perry!!!

    • "You don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military, but Republican politicians can't openly impregnate lesbians in New Zealand"

    • chicken_thief

      The Bachmanns have been notified and when last seen, Michele was beating feet the opposite direction from New Zealand while Marcus was nothing but elbows and assholes sprinting towards Alabama.

      • Biff

        So wingnut xtain repub politicians from Alabama need a fluffer, you're saying?

  • Buzz Feedback

    This is the kind of news Jesus wants about his followers right before his birthday.

  • Wait, you mean there is something wrong with thinking about a hot lesbian couple while I masturbate?

  • Different strokes for different folks.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Maybe he just really, really likes jerking off.

    • chicken_thief

      It's for the kids!!!

    • Nostrildamus

      Maybe he just really, really likes jerking off.

      And at that moment, Nostrildamus was enlightened.

    • Negropolis

      Well, hell, don't we all? But, most of us don't send our man-juices to lesbians in New Zealand.

  • Sue4466

    I believe masturbating into a cup is a lifestyle choice.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Some prefer Mountie Towels. The Quicker Dicker Picker Upper.

      • chicken_thief

        So a napkin would be totally different, right?

    • Rotundo_

      And there are the endless variants to be found: Sweatsocks, baseball mitts, pop bottles, mason jars, it goes on and on. Being a WankAmerican is so much more nuanced than society sees it.

  • MaxNeanderthal

    Looks like the "you couldn't make this shit up" department is clearing the decks for Xmas….

  • SudsMcKenzie

    How did this man loose the Alabama Governorship?

    • He failed to impregnate his cousin first.

      • Negropolis

        And, not for lack of trying, I'll tell you what.

  • The two-time Mrs America finalist should grab her three kids and run like hell.

  • BornInATrailer

    Odd that his version of 2 girls/1 cup is actually more disgusting.

    EDIT: Doh, of course I was too slow with this. Er.. how about:

    Step 1: Take the lid off the cup

    • doloras

      Step 2: Jerk off in the cup.

      Step 3: Give the dykes the cup.


  • Oblios_Cap

    Now -what's all this about Bill's Johnson, then?

  • Mojopo

    Is there some kind of kink to this mess that I am missing? Are men in NZ unable to jerk into a cup – is their aim really that poor? Speaking as a woman who wears comfortable shoes, I'm just not seeing "Be My Daddy" written all over this guy's face.

    Why do women in NZ need the spooge of a hypocrite?

    • Geminisunmars

      It's what happens when you are down under.

      • Mojopo

        "I came in a cup down under…" That's just wrong. Wrong!

        • "Spooge Of A Clown"

        • Geminisunmars

          On so many levels!

        • HarryButtle

          Now I'm gonna be singin' THAT song all day…and rewriting the lyrics to amuse myself, of course.

          I said to the man are you trying to tempt me…yup, almost writes itself.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Well, maybe now the Alabama GOP will take him back.

  • OkieDokieDog

    I wouldn't even buy a used car from this guy, much less want his jacked-off into a Dixie cup little sperms swimming through my girly parts.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Ha! See, that's what you would get if you DID buy a car from him.


  • veritass

    Mr. Johnson — Marcus will see you now.

    • Limeylizzie

      Win for the ages.

  • Goonemeritus

    Today we are all Lesbians with a deep seated fear of our mailboxes.

  • Sorry NZ, but it still doesn't make up for inflicting Russell Crowe on us.

    • Limeylizzie

      Yes, but there's Sam Neill.

  • veritass

    Cup masturbation rights are human rights.

  • HempDogbane

    To paraphrase Steve Martin, "This place has the best Donation in a Cup ever!"

  • fawkdifiknow

    Didn’t I see this plot line in an episode of “Flight of the Chonchords”?

  • spends2much

    There's gotta be some less gross juice out there for these ladies. Shouldn't Russell Crowe be taking care of this hemisphere?

    • hunnybee

      oh. now that would be better.

  • HempDogbane

    This is the best Donation in a Cup ever !

    • Nostrildamus

      "Tithing" is, I think, what the kids call it these days.

  • flamingpdog

    Through first-hand experience, Johnson understands the challenges facing our businesses and industries …

    Soundz like he has a lot of right-hand experience going for him there.

  • proudgrampa

    That doesn't sound like a Come Cup to me.

  • ThundercatHo

    I hope there is a return policy when the little buggers all turn out to have the IQ of your average teabagger or look like their daddy.

    • Barrelhse

      Send 'em to Alabama with no papers.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    That whole "snowballing" thing kind of grosses me out.

    • tcaalaw


  • fartknocker

    This is not what I expected in Blowvember.

    Also, this story is just wierd. Thanks Alabama for taking one in the category of Stupid, Religious, Jism Jockeys.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Captain Johnson and the Stupid, Religious Jism Jockeys

      (not my new band name)

    • fuflans

      but it's dicktember right? or did i get too drunk again?

  • freakishlywrong

    Republicans. Deeply embarrassing the world over.

  • I know one thing for sure: there are no panhandlers around this guy's office.

    "Hey! That's not a quarter? WTF, dude?"

  • ttommyunger

    All well and good, but whose hand is he using?

  • meatlofer

    He went to New Zealand for the trout fishing ,and those silly Kiwis heard he was a Masterbaiter,well one thing lead to another………………….

  • DaRooster

    Do they buy soiled "fortified" socks?

  • Just when I thought Monday couldn't get any grosser…

  • DaRooster

    Is this guy building his own contingent for 2032?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Why oh why couldn't this guy's parents name him "Richard" instead of "William"???

  • MzNicky

    Let's see, Lesbia … Lesbia … got all these things twirlin' around in mah head …

    Eh, I got nothin.

  • Mojopo

    Why do you have to ruin stories about lesbians, with cum?

    • Mojopo

      I'm fixing to get angry here. The more I think about this, the sicker I get.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, will the offspring of a gay Kiwi woman and a heterosexual rightwing turkey baster be gay or straight?

    • Mojopo

      I don't know, but those heteros make a lot of gay babies. Pretty much most of them.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Neither. He or she will simply be deported.

    • Barrelhse

      I don't wanna look.

    • chicken_thief


  • Dashboard Buddha

    One wingnut – one cup

    Johnson is so stupid he couldn't pour jiz out of a cup if the directions were written on the bottom.

    You know, this could be the starting point of one of those Damion style movies.

    Finally, I think all of humanity would be better served by an old grey gym sock in this case.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If impregnating lesbians is wrong, I don't want to be right.

  • Come here a minute

    So you're saying lesbians do want a little Johnson?

  • poncho_pilot

    leave it to a Republican to personally outsource pregnancy.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Wow, if I were going to go to the trouble of impregnating some females and paying for it, I better be getting laid.

  • MzNicky

    Actually, the Billius Johnsonius is a common subspecies of the indigenous class of loud-braying belly-crawling reptiles hypocriticus pervovomitus ['Christian'] to be found throughout the Southeastern US, usually hiding under rocks and subsisting solely on alcohol.

  • HistoriCat

    I didn't realize all the men in New Zealand had died. My condolences.

  • An_Outhouse

    "Johnson also brings a proven track record of working across party lines". This just proves he's really a democrat.

    • chicken_thief

      And explains how he lost, even though he is otherwise nutty enough to be Gov.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Why do I have a feeling that Bill O'Reilly will take a deep probing look into this entire controversy?

  • Indiepalin

    I don't mind
    Other guys dancing with my girl

    • Mojopo

      That's fine. I know them all pretty well.

      • I had things planned, but her wife wouldn't let her.

  • spareme

    I'd like o thank Bill Johnson for being the latest biggest fuck up in the state of Alabama. Couldn't have happened at a better time – here I was thinking I'd have to resort to reading shit about Newt to get my laughs today, and here comes this pearl of a story. Don't worry folks, he is an asshole, will always be an asshole, and is the laughing stock of the state – oh wait, right next to the rest of the GOP.

  • comrad_darkness

    Wait, how does an empathetic, educated, intelligent guy get in on this?

    Oh, right, they don't.

  • The giant cum drip has never looked more appropriate.

  • "Alabama Wingnut Politician Secretly Impregnating Lesbians In New Zealand"

    Best headline of the year!

  • OneYieldRegular

    I see years and years and years of expensive therapy in the making.

  • chicken_thief

    Has anyone confirmed that this is HIS semen being donated? I mean, he could be jackin' into a cup, or he could be spittin' into a cup. He is a Republican after all….

    • Negropolis

      I thought you were going to say that he could be jackin' off some other dude into a cup, 'cause that seems just as likely with the GOP.

  • Barrelhse


  • Guppy

    "He also reportedly gives money to the lesbians, so they can have children even though they probably can’t afford the expense."

    Because they don't have a man around the house! Amirite?

    Anyway, Onanism!

  • Come here a minute

    On Friday, Johnson changed his mind about speaking to the newspaper and said he did not want his comments published.

    He demanded to know the newspaper's source, alleging the newspaper was in receipt of information that must have been sourced through phone or internet hacking.

    Yes, Mr. Johnson, the primary issue here is clearly journalistic integrity.

  • Schmannnity

    Spare the rod, spoil the child.

  • sbj1964

    This guy brings an all new meaning to the term BABY JUICE.

  • Soylent Green

    Oh, honey – Tell the kids not to grow up and marry anybody in New Zealand, 'kay?

  • Soylent Green

    . Defeating gay genes with straight ones sounds like EVOLUTION to me. I should know, I'm a microbiologist. I made a hormone.

    • fuflans

      can i get one?

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    Herman Cain is probably wishing he'd thought of this excuse.

  • Nostrildamus

    Life Spunk will find a way!

  • OldRedneck

    Is everyone aware of the fact that New Zealand is a major sheep-farming nation where sheep outnumber people about 5 to 1?

    Now, I'm not suggesting that ol' Bill is servicing lonely ewes between boinking lesbians, but . . . just saying.

  • horsedreamer_1

    How bizarre.

  • Negropolis

    You mean to tell me New Zealand lesbians would rather have this redneck's little bastards running around than mini Peter Jacksons? Really?

  • TheMeatmaker

    I'm from a new land
    I look at you and
    Your hand is moving
    What are you doing?

  • tealsheart

    Hey god said to procreate…this guy is a pro at creating!

    Next up: sex change. Hell, he's anti-Gay, not anti- sex, plus, he's not having sex, like most good Christians, raising his own little army.

    His Azz up to something. /not even funny

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