A failed Republican candidate for governor in Alabama has been discovered on a lesbian-impregnating rampage in New Zealand, despite his own anti-homosexual political actions and the fact that he’s married to a “two-time Mrs America finalist who has three children from a former relationship.” Bill Johnson, a conservative Christian politician who lost his 2009 campaign to become Alabama’s new wingnut governor, is now working for some charity in New Zealand. But he spends all his “free time” meeting lesbians online and then masturbating into a cup for the lesbians, who apparently want to have the children of this sketchy creep from the America’s Deep South. He also reportedly gives money to the lesbians, so they can have children even though they probably can’t afford the expense. It’s all so gross — he has knocked up somewhere between six and nine lesbians, with his anti-gay semen.
(Bill Johnson is apparently such a creep that the GOP in Alabama banned him from certain events, because he kept spreading weird rumors about the actual Republican governor.)
The New Zealand Herald reports:
Three of the women are now pregnant, and Johnson has assisted another three with donations in the past month. It is believed he has been in communication with at least another three women to discuss sperm donation.
His actions as a sperm donor sparked concern in the fertility medicine community, whose guidelines recommend donations are made in the regulated environment of a fertility clinic, and that no man provide sperm donations to more than four families.
Freak! So how did the newspaper confirm that Alabama wingnut Bill Johnson was sexing-from-a-distance with all these lesbian ladies, even though he campaigned against gay marriage in America?
The Herald on Sunday approached Johnson on Thursday at a restaurant in Christchurch where he had just finished dining with one of the women he had successfully impregnated.
He said the urge to become a biological father was “a need that I have.”
Oh it’s just a need that he has! No worries. [New Zealand Herald]
{ 143 comments }
That is a very odd fetish.
Nah. This and lemonparty.com are pretty straight forward stuff for the Alabama GOP.
Just when you thought you couldn't top diapers and prostitutes.
I thought Alabama prided itself on its pink dildos and tranny porn. Or was that TN? I'm starting to get all the Red State weird fetishes confused. …
It was Georgia. But, honestly, what's the difference?
Oh. It's cup pregancies.
I was sort of thinking it might be worth switching parties, if it means being a sperm-toy for hot lesbian Kiwis.
If you're trying to convert the lesbians to either Christianity or straightness, Bill — ur doing it wrong.
Sharing is caring.
Oh come on! It's not about spreading his seed, it is about his fetish for masturbating into cups.
The lesbians shout, “In the cup” to get him going.
But is his aim true?
Probably. It gives new meaning to 2 Girls, 1 Cup.
The original is less likely to make me throw up than Bill himself is…
You shouldn't have to travel all the way to New Zealand to fulfill this fetish!
Have you *seen* this dumbfuck?
Yes. Yes, you do.
You're back! Hooray!
(Hugs the furry bugger)
No I'm not. I'm sitting here waiting for the anesthesiologist to call. And freaking out because the surgical nurse has not yet phoned in the prescriptions I will need. Surgery's tomorrow, I had to sneak over here instead of packing. It's better than drinking.
Hey! Wonketz! Better than drinking! For those of us who might be AA-inclined this sounds like a great new slogan and the start of a good ad campaign.
Eye see you pee.
Maybe he will write "Impregnating the Impregnable for Dummies."
Forward by Melissa Etheridge.
Who could forget her first hit, "Somebody Bring Me Some Jism!"?
I wonder if the kids will grow up to be anti-gay.
"…masturbating into a cup for the lesbians…"
Because there's nothing lesbians love more than a Cup-O-Cum.
He put the Cum-in-a-Cup place out of business.
Darn. That means I have to go back to Sperm-o-rama…
You know, come to think of it, no – I really don't need lunch after all. I just need some bleach for my mind, thanks.
There goes IHOJ (International House of Jizz)
So this is the wingnut version of "Two Girls, One Cup?" Same reaction: *Blaargggh*!
Is a jizz by any other name less Tebow?
This is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but a wingnut.
Not with a bang, but with a jack.
Big deal. I do the same thing only with out the cup.
…or the lesbians.
Touche.
Someone alert Rick perry!!!
"You don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military, but Republican politicians can't openly impregnate lesbians in New Zealand"
The Bachmanns have been notified and when last seen, Michele was beating feet the opposite direction from New Zealand while Marcus was nothing but elbows and assholes sprinting towards Alabama.
So wingnut xtain repub politicians from Alabama need a fluffer, you're saying?
This is the kind of news Jesus wants about his followers right before his birthday.
Wait, you mean there is something wrong with thinking about a hot lesbian couple while I masturbate?
The cup is what makes all the difference …
Different strokes for different folks.
Maybe he just really, really likes jerking off.
It's for the kids!!!
Maybe he just really, really likes jerking off.
And at that moment, Nostrildamus was enlightened.
Well, hell, don't we all? But, most of us don't send our man-juices to lesbians in New Zealand.
I believe masturbating into a cup is a lifestyle choice.
Some prefer Mountie Towels. The Quicker Dicker Picker Upper.
So a napkin would be totally different, right?
And there are the endless variants to be found: Sweatsocks, baseball mitts, pop bottles, mason jars, it goes on and on. Being a WankAmerican is so much more nuanced than society sees it.
Looks like the "you couldn't make this shit up" department is clearing the decks for Xmas….
How did this man loose the Alabama Governorship?
He failed to impregnate his cousin first.
And, not for lack of trying, I'll tell you what.
The two-time Mrs America finalist should grab her three kids and run like hell.
Odd that his version of 2 girls/1 cup is actually more disgusting.
EDIT: Doh, of course I was too slow with this. Er.. how about:
Step 1: Take the lid off the cup
Step 2: Jerk off in the cup.
Step 3: Give the dykes the cup.
AND THAT'S THE WAY YOU DO IT!
Now -what's all this about Bill's Johnson, then?
Is there some kind of kink to this mess that I am missing? Are men in NZ unable to jerk into a cup – is their aim really that poor? Speaking as a woman who wears comfortable shoes, I'm just not seeing "Be My Daddy" written all over this guy's face.
Why do women in NZ need the spooge of a hypocrite?
It's what happens when you are down under.
"I came in a cup down under…" That's just wrong. Wrong!
"Spooge Of A Clown"
Damn you! Now I'm gonna have twisted Smokey Robinson lyrics in my head all afternoon.
On so many levels!
Now I'm gonna be singin' THAT song all day…and rewriting the lyrics to amuse myself, of course.
I said to the man are you trying to tempt me…yup, almost writes itself.
Well, maybe now the Alabama GOP will take him back.
I wouldn't even buy a used car from this guy, much less want his jacked-off into a Dixie cup little sperms swimming through my girly parts.
Ha! See, that's what you would get if you DID buy a car from him.
Cupholders!
Mr. Johnson — Marcus will see you now.
Win for the ages.
Today we are all Lesbians with a deep seated fear of our mailboxes.
Sorry NZ, but it still doesn't make up for inflicting Russell Crowe on us.
Yes, but there's Sam Neill.
Cup masturbation rights are human rights.
To paraphrase Steve Martin, "This place has the best Donation in a Cup ever!"
Didn’t I see this plot line in an episode of “Flight of the Chonchords”?
There's gotta be some less gross juice out there for these ladies. Shouldn't Russell Crowe be taking care of this hemisphere?
oh. now that would be better.
This is the best Donation in a Cup ever !
"Tithing" is, I think, what the kids call it these days.
Through first-hand experience, Johnson understands the challenges facing our businesses and industries …
Soundz like he has a lot of right-hand experience going for him there.
That doesn't sound like a Come Cup to me.
I hope there is a return policy when the little buggers all turn out to have the IQ of your average teabagger or look like their daddy.
Send 'em to Alabama with no papers.
heh.
That whole "snowballing" thing kind of grosses me out.
Prude!
This is not what I expected in Blowvember.
Also, this story is just wierd. Thanks Alabama for taking one in the category of Stupid, Religious, Jism Jockeys.
Captain Johnson and the Stupid, Religious Jism Jockeys
(not my new band name)
I am frightened that we even NEED that category . . .
but it's dicktember right? or did i get too drunk again?
Republicans. Deeply embarrassing the world over.
I know one thing for sure: there are no panhandlers around this guy's office.
"Hey! That's not a quarter? WTF, dude?"
All well and good, but whose hand is he using?
He went to New Zealand for the trout fishing ,and those silly Kiwis heard he was a Masterbaiter,well one thing lead to another………………….
Do they buy
soiled"fortified" socks?Just when I thought Monday couldn't get any grosser…
Is this guy building his own contingent for 2032?
Why oh why couldn't this guy's parents name him "Richard" instead of "William"???
Let's see, Lesbia … Lesbia … got all these things twirlin' around in mah head …
Eh, I got nothin.
Why do you have to ruin stories about lesbians, with cum?
I'm fixing to get angry here. The more I think about this, the sicker I get.
So, will the offspring of a gay Kiwi woman and a heterosexual rightwing turkey baster be gay or straight?
I don't know, but those heteros make a lot of gay babies. Pretty much most of them.
Neither. He or she will simply be deported.
I don't wanna look.
Yes.
One wingnut – one cup
Johnson is so stupid he couldn't pour jiz out of a cup if the directions were written on the bottom.
You know, this could be the starting point of one of those Damion style movies.
Finally, I think all of humanity would be better served by an old grey gym sock in this case.
Is that you, Tosh 2.0?
If impregnating lesbians is wrong, I don't want to be right.
So you're saying lesbians do want a little Johnson?
leave it to a Republican to personally outsource pregnancy.
Wow, if I were going to go to the trouble of impregnating some females and paying for it, I better be getting laid.
Actually, the Billius Johnsonius is a common subspecies of the indigenous class of loud-braying belly-crawling reptiles hypocriticus pervovomitus ['Christian'] to be found throughout the Southeastern US, usually hiding under rocks and subsisting solely on alcohol.
I didn't realize all the men in New Zealand had died. My condolences.
"Johnson also brings a proven track record of working across party lines". This just proves he's really a democrat.
And explains how he lost, even though he is otherwise nutty enough to be Gov.
Why do I have a feeling that Bill O'Reilly will take a deep probing look into this entire controversy?
I don't mind
Other guys dancing with my girl
That's fine. I know them all pretty well.
I had things planned, but her wife wouldn't let her.
I'd like o thank Bill Johnson for being the latest biggest fuck up in the state of Alabama. Couldn't have happened at a better time – here I was thinking I'd have to resort to reading shit about Newt to get my laughs today, and here comes this pearl of a story. Don't worry folks, he is an asshole, will always be an asshole, and is the laughing stock of the state – oh wait, right next to the rest of the GOP.
Wait, how does an empathetic, educated, intelligent guy get in on this?
Oh, right, they don't.
The giant cum drip has never looked more appropriate.
Is anyone keeping track? Is this the weirdest story of the year?
"Alabama Wingnut Politician Secretly Impregnating Lesbians In New Zealand"
Best headline of the year!
I see years and years and years of expensive therapy in the making.
Has anyone confirmed that this is HIS semen being donated? I mean, he could be jackin' into a cup, or he could be spittin' into a cup. He is a Republican after all….
I thought you were going to say that he could be jackin' off some other dude into a cup, 'cause that seems just as likely with the GOP.
Asshole.
"He also reportedly gives money to the lesbians, so they can have children even though they probably can’t afford the expense."
Because they don't have a man around the house! Amirite?
Anyway, Onanism!
Yes, Mr. Johnson, the primary issue here is clearly journalistic integrity.
Spare the rod, spoil the child.
This guy brings an all new meaning to the term BABY JUICE.
Oh, honey – Tell the kids not to grow up and marry anybody in New Zealand, 'kay?
. Defeating gay genes with straight ones sounds like EVOLUTION to me. I should know, I'm a microbiologist. I made a hormone.
can i get one?
Herman Cain is probably wishing he'd thought of this excuse.
LifeSpunk will find a way!Is everyone aware of the fact that New Zealand is a major sheep-farming nation where sheep outnumber people about 5 to 1?
Now, I'm not suggesting that ol' Bill is servicing lonely ewes between boinking lesbians, but . . . just saying.
How bizarre.
You mean to tell me New Zealand lesbians would rather have this redneck's little bastards running around than mini Peter Jacksons? Really?
I'm from a new land
I look at you and
Your hand is moving
What are you doing?
Alabam…
Hey god said to procreate…this guy is a pro at creating!
Next up: sex change. Hell, he's anti-Gay, not anti- sex, plus, he's not having sex, like most good Christians, raising his own little army.
His Azz up to something. /not even funny
The Awesomest Cover:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lY8ywz-GpoI
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