Alabama Wingnut Politician Secretly Impregnating Lesbians In New Zealand

  anti-sexytime

'I gots so much sperm to put in nine lesbians!'A failed Republican candidate for governor in Alabama has been discovered on a lesbian-impregnating rampage in New Zealand, despite his own anti-homosexual political actions and the fact that he’s married to a “two-time Mrs America finalist who has three children from a former relationship.” Bill Johnson, a conservative Christian politician who lost his 2009 campaign to become Alabama’s new wingnut governor, is now working for some charity in New Zealand. But he spends all his “free time” meeting lesbians online and then masturbating into a cup for the lesbians, who apparently want to have the children of this sketchy creep from the America’s Deep South. He also reportedly gives money to the lesbians, so they can have children even though they probably can’t afford the expense. It’s all so gross — he has knocked up somewhere between six and nine lesbians, with his anti-gay semen.

(Bill Johnson is apparently such a creep that the GOP in Alabama banned him from certain events, because he kept spreading weird rumors about the actual Republican governor.)

The New Zealand Herald reports:

Three of the women are now pregnant, and Johnson has assisted another three with donations in the past month. It is believed he has been in communication with at least another three women to discuss sperm donation.

His actions as a sperm donor sparked concern in the fertility medicine community, whose guidelines recommend donations are made in the regulated environment of a fertility clinic, and that no man provide sperm donations to more than four families.

Freak! So how did the newspaper confirm that Alabama wingnut Bill Johnson was sexing-from-a-distance with all these lesbian ladies, even though he campaigned against gay marriage in America?

The Herald on Sunday approached Johnson on Thursday at a restaurant in Christchurch where he had just finished dining with one of the women he had successfully impregnated.

He said the urge to become a biological father was “a need that I have.”

Oh it’s just a need that he has! No worries. [New Zealand Herald]

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139 comments

      1. chicken_thief

        I thought Alabama prided itself on its pink dildos and tranny porn. Or was that TN? I'm starting to get all the Red State weird fetishes confused. …

  1. memzilla

    If you're trying to convert the lesbians to either Christianity or straightness, Bill — ur doing it wrong.

  2. AlterNewt

    "…masturbating into a cup for the lesbians…"

    Because there's nothing lesbians love more than a Cup-O-Cum.

    1. Mojopo

      You know, come to think of it, no – I really don't need lunch after all. I just need some bleach for my mind, thanks.

    1. Chillwaver

      "You don't need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there's something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military, but Republican politicians can't openly impregnate lesbians in New Zealand"

    2. chicken_thief

      The Bachmanns have been notified and when last seen, Michele was beating feet the opposite direction from New Zealand while Marcus was nothing but elbows and assholes sprinting towards Alabama.

    1. Nostrildamus

      Maybe he just really, really likes jerking off.

      And at that moment, Nostrildamus was enlightened.

    1. Rotundo_

      And there are the endless variants to be found: Sweatsocks, baseball mitts, pop bottles, mason jars, it goes on and on. Being a WankAmerican is so much more nuanced than society sees it.

  3. BornInATrailer

    Odd that his version of 2 girls/1 cup is actually more disgusting.

    EDIT: Doh, of course I was too slow with this. Er.. how about:

    Step 1: Take the lid off the cup

  4. Mojopo

    Is there some kind of kink to this mess that I am missing? Are men in NZ unable to jerk into a cup – is their aim really that poor? Speaking as a woman who wears comfortable shoes, I'm just not seeing "Be My Daddy" written all over this guy's face.

    Why do women in NZ need the spooge of a hypocrite?

        1. HarryButtle

          Now I'm gonna be singin' THAT song all day…and rewriting the lyrics to amuse myself, of course.

          I said to the man are you trying to tempt me…yup, almost writes itself.

  5. OkieDokieDog

    I wouldn't even buy a used car from this guy, much less want his jacked-off into a Dixie cup little sperms swimming through my girly parts.

  6. spends2much

    There's gotta be some less gross juice out there for these ladies. Shouldn't Russell Crowe be taking care of this hemisphere?

  7. flamingpdog

    Through first-hand experience, Johnson understands the challenges facing our businesses and industries …

    Soundz like he has a lot of right-hand experience going for him there.

  8. ThundercatHo

    I hope there is a return policy when the little buggers all turn out to have the IQ of your average teabagger or look like their daddy.

  9. fartknocker

    This is not what I expected in Blowvember.

    Also, this story is just wierd. Thanks Alabama for taking one in the category of Stupid, Religious, Jism Jockeys.

  10. meatlofer

    He went to New Zealand for the trout fishing ,and those silly Kiwis heard he was a Masterbaiter,well one thing lead to another………………….

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    So, will the offspring of a gay Kiwi woman and a heterosexual rightwing turkey baster be gay or straight?

  12. Dashboard Buddha

    One wingnut – one cup

    Johnson is so stupid he couldn't pour jiz out of a cup if the directions were written on the bottom.

    You know, this could be the starting point of one of those Damion style movies.

    Finally, I think all of humanity would be better served by an old grey gym sock in this case.

  13. KeepFnThatChicken

    Wow, if I were going to go to the trouble of impregnating some females and paying for it, I better be getting laid.

  14. MzNicky

    Actually, the Billius Johnsonius is a common subspecies of the indigenous class of loud-braying belly-crawling reptiles hypocriticus pervovomitus ['Christian'] to be found throughout the Southeastern US, usually hiding under rocks and subsisting solely on alcohol.

  15. An_Outhouse

    "Johnson also brings a proven track record of working across party lines". This just proves he's really a democrat.

  16. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Why do I have a feeling that Bill O'Reilly will take a deep probing look into this entire controversy?

  17. spareme

    I'd like o thank Bill Johnson for being the latest biggest fuck up in the state of Alabama. Couldn't have happened at a better time – here I was thinking I'd have to resort to reading shit about Newt to get my laughs today, and here comes this pearl of a story. Don't worry folks, he is an asshole, will always be an asshole, and is the laughing stock of the state – oh wait, right next to the rest of the GOP.

  18. chicken_thief

    Has anyone confirmed that this is HIS semen being donated? I mean, he could be jackin' into a cup, or he could be spittin' into a cup. He is a Republican after all….

    1. Negropolis

      I thought you were going to say that he could be jackin' off some other dude into a cup, 'cause that seems just as likely with the GOP.

  19. Guppy

    "He also reportedly gives money to the lesbians, so they can have children even though they probably can’t afford the expense."

    Because they don't have a man around the house! Amirite?

    Anyway, Onanism!

  20. Come here a minute

    On Friday, Johnson changed his mind about speaking to the newspaper and said he did not want his comments published.

    He demanded to know the newspaper's source, alleging the newspaper was in receipt of information that must have been sourced through phone or internet hacking.

    Yes, Mr. Johnson, the primary issue here is clearly journalistic integrity.

  21. Soylent Green

    . Defeating gay genes with straight ones sounds like EVOLUTION to me. I should know, I'm a microbiologist. I made a hormone.

  22. OldRedneck

    Is everyone aware of the fact that New Zealand is a major sheep-farming nation where sheep outnumber people about 5 to 1?

    Now, I'm not suggesting that ol' Bill is servicing lonely ewes between boinking lesbians, but . . . just saying.

  23. Negropolis

    You mean to tell me New Zealand lesbians would rather have this redneck's little bastards running around than mini Peter Jacksons? Really?

  24. tealsheart

    Hey god said to procreate…this guy is a pro at creating!

    Next up: sex change. Hell, he's anti-Gay, not anti- sex, plus, he's not having sex, like most good Christians, raising his own little army.

    His Azz up to something. /not even funny

  25. PalinzADummy

    (Hugs the furry bugger)

    No I'm not. I'm sitting here waiting for the anesthesiologist to call. And freaking out because the surgical nurse has not yet phoned in the prescriptions I will need. Surgery's tomorrow, I had to sneak over here instead of packing. It's better than drinking.

    Hey! Wonketz! Better than drinking! For those of us who might be AA-inclined this sounds like a great new slogan and the start of a good ad campaign.

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