WAR ON XMAS  11:13 am December 12, 2011

War On Christmas Started By Hitler, Because of Advent Calendars

by Wonkette Jr.

Goes great with that Charlie Brown jazzy piano.Every year about this time, the nation opens the “advent calendars” of its secret CIA prisons all over the world to say “hi” to the people always plotting against us by waging a War on Christmas. But did you know that the War On Christmas did not start in CIA murder-torture prisons, but actually in Nazi Germany? When you open the little cardboard door to “get a chocolate,” what are you really getting? An important Christian writer explains how Hitler is really behind this whole Advent thing, and why we need to be stronger in our resolve as far as destroying Advent calendars everywhere, because of Hitler.

We want to be more proactive, like Fox News, so we are basically making this whole “Hitler started Christmas” idea in hopes that the hysteria will spread. But as always, there is a kernel of truth behind the story of how Christmas is little more than a pro-Hitler celebration. Just read these facts we read on the Internet just now:

After the First World War, Advent calendars were “demilitarized,” and docile animals replaced drawings of cannons and toy solders. But “Hitler quickly co-opted the calendars,” says Ms. Peschel. Nazi symbols were substituted for Christian ones: swastika-clad children building snowmen and Nazi soldiers enshrined within Advent wreaths.

(For a very special War On Xmas gift for, say, Bill O’Reilly or some such airbag, consider an actual Hitler Nazi Advent Calendar!)

Imagine the nerve of this Hitler (and the Kaiser!), using the innocence of children’s Jesus chocolates behind little game show prize doors to make them worship the military and war and indiscriminate killing of perceived enemies from other faiths. Imagine!

Knowing that Hitler was a general in the War on Christmas — replacing the religious symbols — is fascinating.

You know who else thought that “knowing that Hitler was a general in the War on Christmas” was “fascinating”? That’s right … Mr. Spock. [GetReligion.org/A Nazi Advent]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 124 comments }

nounverb911 December 12, 2011 at 11:15 am

When does the war on Fox News start?

LabRodent December 12, 2011 at 11:27 am

Where do I sign up SIR?!

Darthhippy December 12, 2011 at 11:50 am

I starts with a shot.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 12, 2011 at 12:09 pm

I want to see the Faux News "Advert Calendar" … behind every window, the logo of some corporation that helps pour money into Fox's coffers. So I know who NOT to buy from this season.

freakishlywrong December 12, 2011 at 11:16 am

I've been very good this year and am eagerly awaiting my time machine so I can just cold fast forward my way to this time next year. My liver really cannot go through another election season. Fuck no.

proudgrampa December 12, 2011 at 11:51 am

I'm with you, Freakish. I just don't think I can stand another year of Republican stupidity and their stonewalling of the economy. Get the fucking congress back to a Democrat majority, then get some shit done.

chicken_thief December 12, 2011 at 12:46 pm

But for the fact that nothing is getting done, I actually enjoy the mental and verbal gymnastics the Republicans have gone through to be against all things Obama when many of the proposals are concepts that they have supported in the past. And the Lutz buzzword of the day is a thing of beauty to behold, in a perverse way.

ibwilliamsi December 17, 2011 at 12:50 am

I'd rather TiVo it. Zip past the election stuff, and stick around for the good stuff.

SudsMcKenzie December 12, 2011 at 11:17 am

I prefer the "Bad Santa" approach to destroying advent calenders.

DaRooster December 12, 2011 at 11:22 am

"Mmm… cough drops."

fuflans December 12, 2011 at 2:29 pm

i prefer the bad santa approach to the entire christmas season.

rocktonsam December 12, 2011 at 7:22 pm

"they all can't be winners"

ManchuCandidate December 12, 2011 at 11:17 am

Why do Xtian wackadoos have to ruin everything?

First it was sexy time then "jacking it", footloose dancing, rock and/or roll, heavy metal, booze, anal, drugs, films, TV, Xmas, and now chocolate.

ChernobylSoup December 12, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Christianity: The fear that someone, somewhere might be having a good time.

chicken_thief December 12, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Check with Rand – maybe Aqua Buddha is ok with chocolate.

Chillwaver December 12, 2011 at 11:17 am

They do know Hitler was a Christian, right? But you know what? Fuck it, I'm not gonna get suckered into this bullshit "war" again this year…

SorosBot December 12, 2011 at 11:26 am

Not all of them – some Christians insist that Hitler was an atheist, once again putting ideology over fact; because they can't accept that anyone Christian could be so evil (never mind the Crusade, the Inquisition, slavery, etc. etc.)

Darthhippy December 12, 2011 at 11:52 am

By doing above things that makes them not christian and immediately a hated other like an ATHEIST OMFG Look out! Their perception is our reality.

Negligently_Joe December 12, 2011 at 8:42 pm

They also make it a point of explaining why the Crusades/Inquisition/slavery aren't really all that evil, so…

The_Lucky_Wife December 12, 2011 at 11:17 am

Bah Humbug!

BigDumbRedDog December 12, 2011 at 11:17 am

I'm confused. I thought it was good when we declared war on inanimate things and ideas???

proudgrampa December 12, 2011 at 11:58 am

And non-existent things. Don't forget the non-existent things. WMDs, for example.

chicken_thief December 12, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Only when the "things" or "ideas" include brown people. The darker the brown, the more better.

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2011 at 11:17 am

I'll bet the little chocolates still tasted like shit, just like now.

DaRooster December 12, 2011 at 11:52 am

They are, after all, just refashioned Easter Bunnies.

SorosBot December 12, 2011 at 11:18 am

How the fuck was Hitler a "general in the War on Christmas" if he used the Advent calenders, just changing the symbols to support his ideology? He was supporting Christmas there, stupid Mollie; which is not surprising considering that he was a good Catholic.

memzilla December 12, 2011 at 11:18 am

Wütend Vögel!

ifthethunderdontgetya December 12, 2011 at 11:18 am

I rode a tank, held a general's rank, while the Blitzkrieg on Xmas raged…
~

Generation[redacted] December 12, 2011 at 11:23 am

I shouted out, "Who crucified Santa Clause?"
When after all, it was you liberals…

ifthethunderdontgetya December 12, 2011 at 11:24 am
BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2011 at 11:30 am

Did you hear about the Yuletide Rambler?
He'll leave his footprints up and down your hall
Did you hear about the Yuletide Rambler?
Did you see him make his midnight call ?

And if you ever catch the Yuletide Rambler
He'll steal your cookies 'n' milk from under your nose
Well, go easy with your cold hot chocolate
He'll stick his list right down your throat
Baby, and it hurts!

MzNicky December 12, 2011 at 11:55 am

"… and the fundies stank"

freakishlywrong December 12, 2011 at 11:19 am

Has Fux done this yet? Obama is waging a war on religion. Thus, Obama is waging a war on Xmas. Ergo; "see we told you Obama is Hitler."

smitallica December 12, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Know who else waged a war on religion? THE FOUNDING FUCKING FATHERS.

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2011 at 11:20 am

Frohe Weihnachten! No wait, I meant glücklich feiertage!!!

Geminisunmars December 12, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Weihnachten Krieg!!!!

Salacious Crumb December 12, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Oh Tannenbomb?

The_Lucky_Wife December 12, 2011 at 11:21 am

Actually, the Puritans were the first to wage war on Christmas, by not celebrating Christmas at all. But that was because they were sour pusses who hated having a good time, rather than shopkeepers saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas".

GeorgiaBurning December 12, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Those were the same commie Puritans who came up with Thanksgiving.

El Pinche December 12, 2011 at 11:22 am

good lord… It's way too early for Glenn Beck.

proudgrampa December 12, 2011 at 11:59 am

This is why God made vodka.

chicken_thief December 12, 2011 at 12:51 pm

It's always "way too early" for Beck.

Trannysurprise December 12, 2011 at 11:22 am

So does this mean that my red and white candy cane really wasn't shaped by Christians in the form of a J for Jeebus?

Biff December 12, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Don't you realize Candyland is a made-up country, Child?

Goonemeritus December 12, 2011 at 11:23 am

In an effort to be proactive I’m already marshalling the forces to fight the war against the Feast of Saint Joseph, known in the Italian Diaspora as Saint Doughnut day.

chicken_thief December 12, 2011 at 12:53 pm

You're just asking for the local cops to pull you over every time you get behind the wheel, aren't you?!

Beowoof December 12, 2011 at 11:23 am

Santa started the war on Christmas, he wants to retire and the socialist on the right want him to keep showing up with free stuff for their kids. And it helps the kids learn how to be lied to by those who "love" them.

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2011 at 11:23 am

You don't even want to know what the Nazis used to hide on Easter instead of decorated eggs.

Steverino247 December 12, 2011 at 11:29 am

Teller mines?

jqheywood December 12, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Penn mimes?

MrFizzy December 12, 2011 at 11:53 am

Eva Braun's stinky panties?

Negropolis December 13, 2011 at 12:47 am

Gerbils?

BornInATrailer December 12, 2011 at 11:24 am

Oh you wacky Christians.

LabRodent December 12, 2011 at 11:25 am

That Mayan Calender cant come soon enough. Im about sick of this shit.

Biff December 12, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Those Mayans have about as much credibility as Rusty Camper Harold Camping.

Generation[redacted] December 12, 2011 at 11:26 am

So if you don't worship Jeebus on Xmas, you're basically Hitler. In fact, that whole reason the Holocaust happened is because some people didn't want to have a Nativity scene in their neighborhood. Amirite?

Fare la Volpe December 12, 2011 at 11:41 am

I bet those Holocaust "victims" didn't even go to Church on Sundays…

edgydrifter December 12, 2011 at 11:27 am

Hitler was a Kenyan Socialist!!

SudsMcKenzie December 12, 2011 at 11:30 am

Is that an advent calender, or the Republican debate schedule?

Steverino247 December 12, 2011 at 11:31 am

Yeah, atheists really dig that "Gott mit uns" on the belt buckles…

proudgrampa December 12, 2011 at 11:41 am

Be a great campaign slogan for Romney: "Got Mittens?"

nounverb911 December 12, 2011 at 11:31 am

But how does this effect Tim Tebow?

proudgrampa December 12, 2011 at 12:10 pm

I keep having this fantasy that the next time he does that pointing to the heavens thing after a score, a bolt of lightning crashes down and annihilates him.

GregComlish December 12, 2011 at 11:31 am

This doesn't answer anything. Did the Third Reich use "Merry Christmas" as the one true Aryan holiday greeting? Or did they use the liberal term "Happy Holidays"? I suspect they would only say "Merry Christmas" to emphasize the distinction between German and Jewish traditions.

Biff December 12, 2011 at 1:22 pm

According to this historical filmstrip, it was "Merry Christmas, My Friend!"

ShaveTheWhales December 12, 2011 at 2:13 pm

"It's a great day in the Fatherland!"

EatsBabyDingos December 12, 2011 at 11:33 am

I got mine from Rush Humbug, and it has little Oxycontin pills.

DerrickWildcat December 12, 2011 at 11:33 am

I will not allow Hitler to ruin my Christmas again.

Biff December 12, 2011 at 1:23 pm

As doG is my witness…

SayItWithWookies December 12, 2011 at 11:35 am

So Hitler was against Christmas because he conflated the trappings of religion with the trappings of nationalism? The Republicans are going to have a great time realizing that by the same principle they hate America, Christmas, Jesus, nature, coincidence, Billy Graham and the Super Bowl.

fuflans December 12, 2011 at 2:31 pm

republicans never realize anything – the just shout everything.

actor212 December 12, 2011 at 11:39 am

So because advent calendars were co-opted by the Godwinians, somehow advent calendars are Nazi?

Interesting. Can the same logic be applied to superhighways, then? I'm thinking of blowing up the I-95 to make driving safe for democracy.

Allmighty_Manos December 12, 2011 at 11:42 am

So Jews sending out happy holiday cards are unwittingly supporting Hitler's global agenda? You better get some mangers on those greetings fast. Never again!

TheMightyHaltor December 12, 2011 at 11:43 am

Hitler tied Christianity into a violent, ultra-nationalistic idealogy? Gosh, I hope no one ever tries to do that here.

Blueb4sunrise December 12, 2011 at 11:46 am

We have Plan B pills behind the little doors on our Advent Calendar.

PhilippePetain December 12, 2011 at 11:46 am

Eaten Zie Ze Chkolates! Eet iz vely IMPORTANT that vee taken zie real pleasure when ein chokolates est eatenzie!

freakishlywrong December 12, 2011 at 11:46 am

Thank Jebus Christmas comes but once a year.

MrFizzy December 12, 2011 at 11:51 am

That about covers it, though I might go for leap christmas if that's an option.

Baconzgood December 12, 2011 at 11:46 am

On the 3rd day of Christmas my Fuhrer gave to me… Danzig.

Negligently_Joe December 12, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Two-ooo Liebenstraums, and Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer.

Oh dear god we could totally go through all 12 days if somone wanted to be awful.

horsedreamer_1 December 13, 2011 at 12:27 am

Mother!

Monsieur_Grumpe December 12, 2011 at 11:47 am

Silly Bill’O.
Chocolate Hitlers are for Easter not Xmas.

Mumbletypeg December 12, 2011 at 11:49 am

This is good news for folks like me, bored silly with the usual Cretin-mas dearth of originality. Screw the Advent Calendar industry. Let'em make Edible Crèche figurines instead. **

**I want to see the entire barn made out of chocolate — & I have a great recipe for 'straw'stacks using chow mein noodles & melted butterscotch chips.

MrFizzy December 12, 2011 at 11:51 am

Santa would look good in a white toothbrush moustache. He could fly an SS flag on the sleigh and everything!

schvitzatura December 13, 2011 at 3:49 am
WhatTheHeck December 12, 2011 at 11:53 am

That's reich. Hitler was no Santa Klaus. He preferred astrology over astronomy.

Baconzgood December 12, 2011 at 11:54 am

WAKE UP! An upside down J is anti-christian. Candy canes are a ploy to make you become a neo-quasi-Self-loathing-commie-anti-Israel-Jew.

MzNicky December 12, 2011 at 11:57 am

Okay, so does this mean I can still eat chocolate, or not?

actor212 December 12, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Only kosher.

anniegetyerfun December 12, 2011 at 11:58 am

Wait, you get chocolates? We just opened these stupid little perforated squares every morning in what amounted to a count-down to Christmas calendar, and didn't get squat.

That's probably what Jesus would have wanted, though.

proudgrampa December 12, 2011 at 12:16 pm

We had a countdown chain made out of construction paper that we would tear a link from every morning. That was stupid.

All my Jewish friends got eight days of gifts!

Pragmatist2 December 12, 2011 at 11:59 am

I thought it was the Jehovas Witnesses.

sbj1964 December 12, 2011 at 12:00 pm

The War on Christmas was created by Fox News.

ttommyunger December 12, 2011 at 12:04 pm

Brings to mind staged exchanges between myself and an Army buddy when we were in public (elevators, buses, etc) and bored: "What's the difference between a duck?" – "Plywood, because there's no bones in ice cream."

BaldarTFlagass December 12, 2011 at 12:05 pm

"But “Hitler quickly co-opted the calendars,” says Ms. Peschel. Nazi symbols were substituted for Christian ones: swastika-clad children building snowmen and Nazi soldiers enshrined within Advent wreaths."

These substitutions did not go over very well with the manufacturers and users of Hannukah advent calendars.

Oblios_Cap December 12, 2011 at 12:05 pm

It's not surprising, but I'm pretty sure that Hitler only hated the dark, non-Aryan candies. I'm pretty sure he was down with the white chocolates.

How did he feel about pretzels? I know they're shaped like little kinders praying, but some of them are dipped in chocolate, too. Blasphemy!

Come here a minute December 12, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Bah Hapsburg!

Tundra Grifter December 12, 2011 at 12:16 pm

"Nuts!"

Geminisunmars December 12, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Wait… I thought Hitler started the War on Chanukah.

SheriffRoscoe December 12, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Aryan Jesus doesn't know what "Advent" is.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard December 12, 2011 at 12:33 pm

It's so wrong, but I totally want an advent calendar from Target's Hitler© line.

Biff December 12, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Going by Target's logo, I'd think they'd be more down with Hirohito, if you get my drift.

smitallica December 12, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Brought to you by The War on Christmas: Making America's Overwhelming Christian Majority Feel Like a Persecuted Minority Since Whenever Bill O'Reilly Made it Up.®

An_Outhouse December 12, 2011 at 12:40 pm
Nostrildamus December 12, 2011 at 2:33 pm

"Kneeling Santa" is more like a Dan Savage column.

prommie December 12, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Okay, let me get this straight; the saucer people, led by Hitler, in a massive conspiracy with the reverse vampires, are waging war on Christmas by putting jenkem in Advent Calendars and legalizing bestiality in the military, as part of an attack on Rick Santorum's unborn dead fetuses, by legalizing gay marriage?

chicken_thief December 12, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Well, and the Pretender in Chief forcing his individual mandate down the throat of real 'Merikuns causing job creators to cancel all job creation for all eternity. I'll becha $10,000 on that one!

smitallica December 12, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Has anything ever been so simple and obvious?

Biff December 12, 2011 at 1:35 pm

The bumper sticker possibilities here are endless!

OneYieldRegular December 12, 2011 at 12:55 pm

"Hitler was a general in the War on Christmas." I think it would be difficult, short of the typical derogatory expletives, to craft a more fundamentally anti-Semitic phrase than that.

smitallica December 12, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Good point. Whatever Hitler thought about Christmas, I'm pretty sure he was even less fond of Hannukkah.

Steverino247 December 12, 2011 at 1:06 pm

On the twelfth day of Christmas, mein fuehrer gave to me…

12 countries conquered
11 women warriors (http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/106289)
10 per cent dead
9 hundred days of Leningrad
8th Air Force bombings
7 types of Panzers
6th Army captured
5 enigma machines
4 puppet countries
3rd Army and Patton
2 Bismarck ships
And some marching through the Paris streets

jqheywood December 12, 2011 at 3:49 pm
smitallica December 12, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Dear Fox News and affiliated assholes:
There are SEVERAL fundamentalist Christian sects here in America that DO NOT celebrate Christmas, because they believe it's on an incorrect date merely co-opted from a pagan holiday (which it was).
Do these super-Christy Christians also get to be generals in the War on Christmas?

LiveToServeYa December 12, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Yeah, 'Angry Birds Reich' just about sums it up.

Guppy December 12, 2011 at 1:30 pm

So would an "Advent Race" with the Nazis be the explanation for putting up Christmas decorations in September?

Guppy December 12, 2011 at 1:33 pm

If I were going to try to destroy the Christian faith with attack its holidays, I would do so by hyping Christmas so much that everyone loses sight of Easter. And every time a Talibangelical defended Christmas on Fox News as "our most sacred holiday," I'd know I was winning.

telecustom1972 December 12, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Since Jesus was a Jew and wouldn't be able to support the holiday that bears his name would that technically make him at war with himself?

glamourdammerung December 12, 2011 at 5:22 pm

The Nazis banned Krampus, but not the rest of Christianity's "December Pagan Days".

And of course, I am sure that these clowns would be equally appalled at an Advent Calendar with American flags on it, right?

Negligently_Joe December 12, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Merry Hitlermas Ween, every one!

Negligently_Joe December 12, 2011 at 8:44 pm

It's traditional to only decorate the Hitlermas Ween tree with only one ball.

horsedreamer_1 December 13, 2011 at 12:29 am

This explains why the German import Advent calendar I had when I was eight had a VW Bug on the fifteenth.

schvitzatura December 13, 2011 at 4:00 am

Kraft durch Freude (Kdf)-Wagen (Strength through Joy Car)!

chicken_thief December 12, 2011 at 12:59 pm

*sigh* All of them, Katie…

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