Goes great with that Charlie Brown jazzy piano.Every year about this time, the nation opens the “advent calendars” of its secret CIA prisons all over the world to say “hi” to the people always plotting against us by waging a War on Christmas. But did you know that the War On Christmas did not start in CIA murder-torture prisons, but actually in Nazi Germany? When you open the little cardboard door to “get a chocolate,” what are you really getting? An important Christian writer explains how Hitler is really behind this whole Advent thing, and why we need to be stronger in our resolve as far as destroying Advent calendars everywhere, because of Hitler.

We want to be more proactive, like Fox News, so we are basically making this whole “Hitler started Christmas” idea in hopes that the hysteria will spread. But as always, there is a kernel of truth behind the story of how Christmas is little more than a pro-Hitler celebration. Just read these facts we read on the Internet just now:

After the First World War, Advent calendars were “demilitarized,” and docile animals replaced drawings of cannons and toy solders. But “Hitler quickly co-opted the calendars,” says Ms. Peschel. Nazi symbols were substituted for Christian ones: swastika-clad children building snowmen and Nazi soldiers enshrined within Advent wreaths.

(For a very special War On Xmas gift for, say, Bill O’Reilly or some such airbag, consider an actual Hitler Nazi Advent Calendar!)

Imagine the nerve of this Hitler (and the Kaiser!), using the innocence of children’s Jesus chocolates behind little game show prize doors to make them worship the military and war and indiscriminate killing of perceived enemies from other faiths. Imagine!

Knowing that Hitler was a general in the War on Christmas — replacing the religious symbols — is fascinating.

You know who else thought that “knowing that Hitler was a general in the War on Christmas” was “fascinating”? That’s right … Mr. Spock. [ Nazi Advent]

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  • nounverb911

    When does the war on Fox News start?

    • LabRodent

      Where do I sign up SIR?!

    • Darthhippy

      I starts with a shot.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I want to see the Faux News "Advert Calendar" … behind every window, the logo of some corporation that helps pour money into Fox's coffers. So I know who NOT to buy from this season.

  • freakishlywrong

    I've been very good this year and am eagerly awaiting my time machine so I can just cold fast forward my way to this time next year. My liver really cannot go through another election season. Fuck no.

    • proudgrampa

      I'm with you, Freakish. I just don't think I can stand another year of Republican stupidity and their stonewalling of the economy. Get the fucking congress back to a Democrat majority, then get some shit done.

      • chicken_thief

        But for the fact that nothing is getting done, I actually enjoy the mental and verbal gymnastics the Republicans have gone through to be against all things Obama when many of the proposals are concepts that they have supported in the past. And the Lutz buzzword of the day is a thing of beauty to behold, in a perverse way.

    • ibwilliamsi

      I'd rather TiVo it. Zip past the election stuff, and stick around for the good stuff.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    I prefer the "Bad Santa" approach to destroying advent calenders.

    • DaRooster

      "Mmm… cough drops."

    • fuflans

      i prefer the bad santa approach to the entire christmas season.

    • rocktonsam

      "they all can't be winners"

  • Why do Xtian wackadoos have to ruin everything?

    First it was sexy time then "jacking it", footloose dancing, rock and/or roll, heavy metal, booze, anal, drugs, films, TV, Xmas, and now chocolate.

    • ChernobylSoup

      Christianity: The fear that someone, somewhere might be having a good time.

    • chicken_thief

      Check with Rand – maybe Aqua Buddha is ok with chocolate.

  • They do know Hitler was a Christian, right? But you know what? Fuck it, I'm not gonna get suckered into this bullshit "war" again this year…

    • SorosBot

      Not all of them – some Christians insist that Hitler was an atheist, once again putting ideology over fact; because they can't accept that anyone Christian could be so evil (never mind the Crusade, the Inquisition, slavery, etc. etc.)

      • Darthhippy

        By doing above things that makes them not christian and immediately a hated other like an ATHEIST OMFG Look out! Their perception is our reality.

      • Negligently_Joe

        They also make it a point of explaining why the Crusades/Inquisition/slavery aren't really all that evil, so…

  • The_Lucky_Wife

    Bah Humbug!

  • BigDumbRedDog

    I'm confused. I thought it was good when we declared war on inanimate things and ideas???

    • proudgrampa

      And non-existent things. Don't forget the non-existent things. WMDs, for example.

    • chicken_thief

      Only when the "things" or "ideas" include brown people. The darker the brown, the more better.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'll bet the little chocolates still tasted like shit, just like now.

    • DaRooster

      They are, after all, just refashioned Easter Bunnies.

  • SorosBot

    How the fuck was Hitler a "general in the War on Christmas" if he used the Advent calenders, just changing the symbols to support his ideology? He was supporting Christmas there, stupid Mollie; which is not surprising considering that he was a good Catholic.

  • memzilla

    Wütend Vögel!

  • I rode a tank, held a general's rank, while the Blitzkrieg on Xmas raged…

    • Generation[redacted]

      I shouted out, "Who crucified Santa Clause?"
      When after all, it was you liberals…

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Did you hear about the Yuletide Rambler?
      He'll leave his footprints up and down your hall
      Did you hear about the Yuletide Rambler?
      Did you see him make his midnight call ?

      And if you ever catch the Yuletide Rambler
      He'll steal your cookies 'n' milk from under your nose
      Well, go easy with your cold hot chocolate
      He'll stick his list right down your throat
      Baby, and it hurts!

    • MzNicky

      "… and the fundies stank"

  • freakishlywrong

    Has Fux done this yet? Obama is waging a war on religion. Thus, Obama is waging a war on Xmas. Ergo; "see we told you Obama is Hitler."

    • smitallica

      Know who else waged a war on religion? THE FOUNDING FUCKING FATHERS.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Frohe Weihnachten! No wait, I meant glücklich feiertage!!!

  • The_Lucky_Wife

    Actually, the Puritans were the first to wage war on Christmas, by not celebrating Christmas at all. But that was because they were sour pusses who hated having a good time, rather than shopkeepers saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas".

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Those were the same commie Puritans who came up with Thanksgiving.

  • El Pinche

    good lord… It's way too early for Glenn Beck.

    • proudgrampa

      This is why God made vodka.

    • chicken_thief

      It's always "way too early" for Beck.

  • Trannysurprise

    So does this mean that my red and white candy cane really wasn't shaped by Christians in the form of a J for Jeebus?

    • Biff

      Don't you realize Candyland is a made-up country, Child?

  • Goonemeritus

    In an effort to be proactive I’m already marshalling the forces to fight the war against the Feast of Saint Joseph, known in the Italian Diaspora as Saint Doughnut day.

    • chicken_thief

      You're just asking for the local cops to pull you over every time you get behind the wheel, aren't you?!

  • Beowoof

    Santa started the war on Christmas, he wants to retire and the socialist on the right want him to keep showing up with free stuff for their kids. And it helps the kids learn how to be lied to by those who "love" them.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    You don't even want to know what the Nazis used to hide on Easter instead of decorated eggs.

    • Steverino247

      Teller mines?

      • jqheywood

        Penn mimes?

    • MrFizzy

      Eva Braun's stinky panties?

    • Negropolis


  • BornInATrailer

    Oh you wacky Christians.

  • LabRodent

    That Mayan Calender cant come soon enough. Im about sick of this shit.

    • Biff

      Those Mayans have about as much credibility as Rusty Camper Harold Camping.

  • Generation[redacted]

    So if you don't worship Jeebus on Xmas, you're basically Hitler. In fact, that whole reason the Holocaust happened is because some people didn't want to have a Nativity scene in their neighborhood. Amirite?

    • Fare la Volpe

      I bet those Holocaust "victims" didn't even go to Church on Sundays…

  • edgydrifter

    Hitler was a Kenyan Socialist!!

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Is that an advent calender, or the Republican debate schedule?

  • Steverino247

    Yeah, atheists really dig that "Gott mit uns" on the belt buckles…

    • proudgrampa

      Be a great campaign slogan for Romney: "Got Mittens?"

  • nounverb911

    But how does this effect Tim Tebow?

    • proudgrampa

      I keep having this fantasy that the next time he does that pointing to the heavens thing after a score, a bolt of lightning crashes down and annihilates him.

  • GregComlish

    This doesn't answer anything. Did the Third Reich use "Merry Christmas" as the one true Aryan holiday greeting? Or did they use the liberal term "Happy Holidays"? I suspect they would only say "Merry Christmas" to emphasize the distinction between German and Jewish traditions.

    • Biff

      According to this historical filmstrip, it was "Merry Christmas, My Friend!"

    • ShaveTheWhales

      "It's a great day in the Fatherland!"

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I got mine from Rush Humbug, and it has little Oxycontin pills.

  • I will not allow Hitler to ruin my Christmas again.

    • Biff

      As doG is my witness…

  • SayItWithWookies

    So Hitler was against Christmas because he conflated the trappings of religion with the trappings of nationalism? The Republicans are going to have a great time realizing that by the same principle they hate America, Christmas, Jesus, nature, coincidence, Billy Graham and the Super Bowl.

    • fuflans

      republicans never realize anything – the just shout everything.

  • So because advent calendars were co-opted by the Godwinians, somehow advent calendars are Nazi?

    Interesting. Can the same logic be applied to superhighways, then? I'm thinking of blowing up the I-95 to make driving safe for democracy.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    So Jews sending out happy holiday cards are unwittingly supporting Hitler's global agenda? You better get some mangers on those greetings fast. Never again!

  • TheMightyHaltor

    Hitler tied Christianity into a violent, ultra-nationalistic idealogy? Gosh, I hope no one ever tries to do that here.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    We have Plan B pills behind the little doors on our Advent Calendar.

  • PhilippePetain

    Eaten Zie Ze Chkolates! Eet iz vely IMPORTANT that vee taken zie real pleasure when ein chokolates est eatenzie!

  • freakishlywrong

    Thank Jebus Christmas comes but once a year.

    • MrFizzy

      That about covers it, though I might go for leap christmas if that's an option.

  • Baconzgood

    On the 3rd day of Christmas my Fuhrer gave to me… Danzig.

    • Negligently_Joe

      Two-ooo Liebenstraums, and Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer.

      Oh dear god we could totally go through all 12 days if somone wanted to be awful.

    • horsedreamer_1


  • Silly Bill’O.
    Chocolate Hitlers are for Easter not Xmas.

  • This is good news for folks like me, bored silly with the usual Cretin-mas dearth of originality. Screw the Advent Calendar industry. Let'em make Edible Crèche figurines instead. **

    **I want to see the entire barn made out of chocolate — & I have a great recipe for 'straw'stacks using chow mein noodles & melted butterscotch chips.

  • MrFizzy

    Santa would look good in a white toothbrush moustache. He could fly an SS flag on the sleigh and everything!

  • WhatTheHeck

    That's reich. Hitler was no Santa Klaus. He preferred astrology over astronomy.

  • Baconzgood

    WAKE UP! An upside down J is anti-christian. Candy canes are a ploy to make you become a neo-quasi-Self-loathing-commie-anti-Israel-Jew.

  • MzNicky

    Okay, so does this mean I can still eat chocolate, or not?

  • anniegetyerfun

    Wait, you get chocolates? We just opened these stupid little perforated squares every morning in what amounted to a count-down to Christmas calendar, and didn't get squat.

    That's probably what Jesus would have wanted, though.

    • proudgrampa

      We had a countdown chain made out of construction paper that we would tear a link from every morning. That was stupid.

      All my Jewish friends got eight days of gifts!

  • Pragmatist2

    I thought it was the Jehovas Witnesses.

  • sbj1964

    The War on Christmas was created by Fox News.

  • ttommyunger

    Brings to mind staged exchanges between myself and an Army buddy when we were in public (elevators, buses, etc) and bored: "What's the difference between a duck?" – "Plywood, because there's no bones in ice cream."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "But “Hitler quickly co-opted the calendars,” says Ms. Peschel. Nazi symbols were substituted for Christian ones: swastika-clad children building snowmen and Nazi soldiers enshrined within Advent wreaths."

    These substitutions did not go over very well with the manufacturers and users of Hannukah advent calendars.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It's not surprising, but I'm pretty sure that Hitler only hated the dark, non-Aryan candies. I'm pretty sure he was down with the white chocolates.

    How did he feel about pretzels? I know they're shaped like little kinders praying, but some of them are dipped in chocolate, too. Blasphemy!

  • Come here a minute

    Bah Hapsburg!

  • Tundra Grifter


  • Geminisunmars

    Wait… I thought Hitler started the War on Chanukah.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Aryan Jesus doesn't know what "Advent" is.

  • It's so wrong, but I totally want an advent calendar from Target's Hitler© line.

    • Biff

      Going by Target's logo, I'd think they'd be more down with Hirohito, if you get my drift.

  • smitallica

    Brought to you by The War on Christmas: Making America's Overwhelming Christian Majority Feel Like a Persecuted Minority Since Whenever Bill O'Reilly Made it Up.®

  • An_Outhouse
    • Nostrildamus

      "Kneeling Santa" is more like a Dan Savage column.

  • prommie

    Okay, let me get this straight; the saucer people, led by Hitler, in a massive conspiracy with the reverse vampires, are waging war on Christmas by putting jenkem in Advent Calendars and legalizing bestiality in the military, as part of an attack on Rick Santorum's unborn dead fetuses, by legalizing gay marriage?

    • chicken_thief

      Well, and the Pretender in Chief forcing his individual mandate down the throat of real 'Merikuns causing job creators to cancel all job creation for all eternity. I'll becha $10,000 on that one!

    • smitallica

      Has anything ever been so simple and obvious?

    • Biff

      The bumper sticker possibilities here are endless!

  • OneYieldRegular

    "Hitler was a general in the War on Christmas." I think it would be difficult, short of the typical derogatory expletives, to craft a more fundamentally anti-Semitic phrase than that.

    • smitallica

      Good point. Whatever Hitler thought about Christmas, I'm pretty sure he was even less fond of Hannukkah.

  • Steverino247

    On the twelfth day of Christmas, mein fuehrer gave to me…

    12 countries conquered
    11 women warriors (
    10 per cent dead
    9 hundred days of Leningrad
    8th Air Force bombings
    7 types of Panzers
    6th Army captured
    5 enigma machines
    4 puppet countries
    3rd Army and Patton
    2 Bismarck ships
    And some marching through the Paris streets

  • smitallica

    Dear Fox News and affiliated assholes:
    There are SEVERAL fundamentalist Christian sects here in America that DO NOT celebrate Christmas, because they believe it's on an incorrect date merely co-opted from a pagan holiday (which it was).
    Do these super-Christy Christians also get to be generals in the War on Christmas?

  • LiveToServeYa

    Yeah, 'Angry Birds Reich' just about sums it up.

  • Guppy

    So would an "Advent Race" with the Nazis be the explanation for putting up Christmas decorations in September?

  • Guppy

    If I were going to try to destroy the Christian faith with attack its holidays, I would do so by hyping Christmas so much that everyone loses sight of Easter. And every time a Talibangelical defended Christmas on Fox News as "our most sacred holiday," I'd know I was winning.

  • telecustom1972

    Since Jesus was a Jew and wouldn't be able to support the holiday that bears his name would that technically make him at war with himself?

  • The Nazis banned Krampus, but not the rest of Christianity's "December Pagan Days".

    And of course, I am sure that these clowns would be equally appalled at an Advent Calendar with American flags on it, right?

  • Negligently_Joe

    Merry Hitlermas Ween, every one!

    • Negligently_Joe

      It's traditional to only decorate the Hitlermas Ween tree with only one ball.

  • horsedreamer_1

    This explains why the German import Advent calendar I had when I was eight had a VW Bug on the fifteenth.

    • schvitzatura

      Kraft durch Freude (Kdf)-Wagen (Strength through Joy Car)!

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