War On Christmas Started By Hitler, Because of Advent Calendars

Every year about this time, the nation opens the “advent calendars” of its secret CIA prisons all over the world to say “hi” to the people always plotting against us by waging a War on Christmas. But did you know that the War On Christmas did not start in CIA murder-torture prisons, but actually in Nazi Germany? When you open the little cardboard door to “get a chocolate,” what are you really getting? An important Christian writer explains how Hitler is really behind this whole Advent thing, and why we need to be stronger in our resolve as far as destroying Advent calendars everywhere, because of Hitler.

We want to be more proactive, like Fox News, so we are basically making this whole “Hitler started Christmas” idea in hopes that the hysteria will spread. But as always, there is a kernel of truth behind the story of how Christmas is little more than a pro-Hitler celebration. Just read these facts we read on the Internet just now:

After the First World War, Advent calendars were “demilitarized,” and docile animals replaced drawings of cannons and toy solders. But “Hitler quickly co-opted the calendars,” says Ms. Peschel. Nazi symbols were substituted for Christian ones: swastika-clad children building snowmen and Nazi soldiers enshrined within Advent wreaths.

(For a very special War On Xmas gift for, say, Bill O’Reilly or some such airbag, consider an actual Hitler Nazi Advent Calendar!)

Imagine the nerve of this Hitler (and the Kaiser!), using the innocence of children’s Jesus chocolates behind little game show prize doors to make them worship the military and war and indiscriminate killing of perceived enemies from other faiths. Imagine!

Knowing that Hitler was a general in the War on Christmas — replacing the religious symbols — is fascinating.

You know who else thought that “knowing that Hitler was a general in the War on Christmas” was “fascinating”? That’s right … Mr. Spock. [GetReligion.org/A Nazi Advent]