IRONCLAD LOGIC  6:54 pm December 9, 2011

Newt Gingrich Wants Everyone To Know Palestinians Are Pretend People

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

History has also determined this is what Newt Gingrich looks like before he puts his wig on in the morning.

This is a Thing People Are Discussing, today: smartest being of all time Newt Gingrich declared in an interview that the Palestinian people are “invented” in his grand historical estimation, sort of like how all peoples with their fancy national identities are at one point or another in history also “invented” out of thin air. “Americans,” for example. But let’s not let this latter detail ruin Newt’s main point: why haven’t Palestinians discovered that they are fake yet?

From the NYTimes:

Discussing the origin of the State of Israel in the 1940s, Mr. Gingrich said, according to a transcript: “Remember there was no Palestine as a state. It was part of the Ottoman Empire. And I think that we’ve had an invented Palestinian people, who are in fact Arabs, and were historically part of the Arab community. And they had a chance to go many places.”

Such an expert insight on peoples and civilizations, from civilization expert Newt Gingrich! Which is our segue into this screen grab from a delightful collection of Newt Gingrich “doodles” that are part of a hilarious Slate piece investigating the possibility that Newt may actually be clinically insane:

And here is the text, deciphered:

Gingrich—Primary Mission
—Advocate of civilization
—definer of civilization
—Teacher of the rules of civilization
—arouser of those who form civilization
—Organizer of the pro-civilization activists
—leader (possibly) of the civilizing forces.

“Possibly!” Don’t sell yourself short, Newt. [NYTimes/Slate]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 647 comments }

Barb December 9, 2011 at 6:55 pm

I can't wait to see Calista's new book about her rise from mistress to potential FLOTUS, "Yes Virginia, There is a Pantie Clause."

Monsieur_Grumpe December 9, 2011 at 7:40 pm

More like FSOTUS
First Slut….

dadanarchist December 9, 2011 at 7:42 pm

The jokers over at Rumproast have taken to referring to Callista as "Queen of the Cream Cheese People."
http://www.rumproast.com/index.php/site/comments/

Barb December 9, 2011 at 8:37 pm

That is a reference to the movie, "Steel Magnolias"
"They (Clairee's family) do look like they've been carved out of cream cheese"
My daughter wanted a bleeding armadillo cake for her groom's cake and I had the one from the Magnolia movie copied: http://tinypic.com/r/2uzcew6/5
Festive buttery baked goods road kill. It was red velvet cake to be even more obnoxious.

ShaveTheWhales December 10, 2011 at 6:03 am

You are ever more wonderful. Were there red frosting trails?

LionHeartSoyDog December 10, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Damn.
And "ew," also.

JustPixelz December 11, 2011 at 9:04 am

I did the same red velvet thing making a dog cake for my step-daughter's birthday. "Steel Magnolias" was a very influential film in home baking circles. She also got a Marie Antoinette action figure with ejectable head.

anniegetyerfun December 11, 2011 at 1:11 pm

We didn't have a cake at our wedding, but if we did, this is what I would have wanted.

BaldarTFlagass December 9, 2011 at 9:05 pm

Suzy Creamcheese, honey, what's got into ya?

Monsieur_Grumpe December 9, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Zappa!
Win.

weejee December 9, 2011 at 7:53 pm

None breakfast at Tiffany's???

spends2much December 9, 2011 at 7:59 pm

"From Mistress to FLOTUS: Callista Gingrich Perfects the Blow Job"

horsedreamer_1 December 9, 2011 at 8:03 pm

Art of Blowjob Libel!

Negligently_Joe December 9, 2011 at 8:47 pm

BLOW'D LIBEL!

Barb December 10, 2011 at 1:01 am

Are we blogging the debate tomorrow night (Saturday)?

NellCote71 December 9, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Oh, I love me my Wonkettes on a Friday with a glass of wine and a plate of nachos.

Negligently_Joe December 9, 2011 at 8:48 pm

I prefer mine with Fava beans. Wine's a good thought, though. Any suggestions?

RavenRant December 9, 2011 at 9:29 pm

A nice Chianti, obvs.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 9, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Mead.

NellCote71 December 9, 2011 at 10:44 pm

I am drinking a Pouilly-Fuisse. With homemade nachos. I know. But I am in Texas. Where do you get fava beans in December?

horsedreamer_1 December 9, 2011 at 8:46 pm

That would be Habeus Sisqo.

RavenRant December 9, 2011 at 9:45 pm

The gibbering right has been frothing at the mouth for four years about Michelle O, and her 'first time I'm proud of my country' comment. (And about a thousand other, even dumber made-up outrages. "She's broccoli-boarding our children!")

How proud we all will be to have a First Lady who conducted an adulterous affair for six years, including trysts with Newt in Wife #2's bed, all the while singing twice a week in the church choir, because she's so pious and devout.

Can you picture foreign heads of state trying to interact with King Newt and Queen Callista without involuntarily doing the Angela Merkel flinch/shudder/sneer of revulsion?

Barb December 9, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Calista, like Cindy McCain, strikes me as one of those really ambitious women who would LOVE to be First Lady and be in the white hot spotlight. Michelle Obama lives in a goldfish bowl and I don't envy her in that one aspect. I do envy her in every other aspect though.

NellCote71 December 9, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Yeah, like being married to Barry for starters.

RavenRant December 9, 2011 at 11:07 pm

I'm not sure. If you look into Callista's crazy eyes, (and she makes One L look like a crazy-eyes amateur), she looks like something that was once human trapped in a wax mannequin, silently screaming, "Get me out of here!"

Barb December 9, 2011 at 11:25 pm

I just checked out some photos of her. One more face lift and she's going to have a goatee.

BTWBFDIMHO December 10, 2011 at 12:32 am
ShaveTheWhales December 10, 2011 at 6:06 am

But, looking at photos of her back when the axolotl was just banging her, she looks like a French horn player.

glamourdammerung December 11, 2011 at 9:21 am

But she is white, not to mention a Republican, so what is your point?

bebecca2298 December 11, 2011 at 10:21 am

She's so white she's almost transparent.

RavenRant December 11, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Just belaboring the obvious. Everyone needs a hobby.

nounverb911 December 9, 2011 at 6:57 pm

I'm sure the Palestinians feel the same way about Newt.

memzilla December 9, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Replacing the word "civilization" with the word "grift" gives a much more accurate Newtian portrait. Thus:

Gingrich—Primary Mission
—Advocate of grift
—definer of grift
—Teacher of the rules of grift
—arouser of those who grift
—Organizer of the pro-grift activists
—leader (possibly) of the grift forces

Nothingisamiss December 9, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Oh my God, you just made sense of his napkin.

Lascauxcaveman December 9, 2011 at 11:02 pm

I was gonna say "dick" or "santorum" in place of civilization, but "grift" works pretty well, too.

Also, "adultery" too.

SilverTsunami December 9, 2011 at 6:58 pm

I think you are mistaken and that second point is "Diner of unlizardarm." I'm pretty sure.
The third is "teacher of ja rule." Hey, wasn't that a rapper?

SilverTsunami December 9, 2011 at 7:00 pm

That's a cute frog, too, by the way. Is it socialist?

edgydrifter December 9, 2011 at 7:23 pm

That's a California rough-skinned newt. They secrete a fantastically toxic ooze. Much like the more well-known Georgia turgid-jowled Newt, actually.

SilverTsunami December 9, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Yes, I think the Georgia Newt is far more toxic.

ThundercatHo December 9, 2011 at 10:20 pm

Can you lick 'em and trip like one of those frogs or toads? (Too much wine to google – TMWG)

Lascauxcaveman December 9, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Actually, I think the poisonous part is inside the newts. We used to catch these little buggers all the time when we were kids, and nary a harmful side effect. (We didn't eat them, just let them go on the lakeside when we were done playing with them.)

anniegetyerfun December 11, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Haha, you spend time on Wonkette and you believe that no damage was done?

DemmeFatale December 11, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Newt gives Amphibians a bad name.

ifthethunderdontgetya December 9, 2011 at 7:02 pm

The ol' "rebrand 'em and exterminate 'em."

Neocon chicken hawks (he typed redundantly) have been pushing this for 3 decades.

No surprise that a bottom-feeder like Newt would start spouting it.
~

ifthethunderdontgetya December 9, 2011 at 7:03 pm

ALSO.
~

Callyson December 9, 2011 at 7:09 pm

(rushing to edit my Christmas list before Santa goes shopping…)

Monsieur_Grumpe December 9, 2011 at 7:41 pm

My shopping is done. Thank you!

RavenRant December 9, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Those are perfect. And I'm sure will get a good workout in 2012.

MzNicky December 9, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Awesome. I was wondering what to get the spouse for xmas.

RadioYKWE December 9, 2011 at 7:27 pm

It's Kubler-Rossmas.

fuflans December 9, 2011 at 9:35 pm

well i have to have that shit.

Lascauxcaveman December 9, 2011 at 11:10 pm

LOL, I gotta see if they make those in a classic long-stem martini.

Dashboard Buddha December 10, 2011 at 10:01 am

Added to my Christmas list.

Joshua Norton December 9, 2011 at 7:04 pm

When Newt spends his Fanny Mae money on his mistress he gets a hypocrisy hard-on that lasts more than 4 hours.

ThundercatHo December 9, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Ha! I doubt he could get a hard-on lasting all of 4 minutes without some pharmaceutical or mechanical intervention.

imissopus December 9, 2011 at 7:05 pm

But the AI makes them seem so lifelike.

sbj1964 December 9, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Yes Newt, the Palestinians are like the Narnians ,or the middle class ! NOT.

slowhansolo December 10, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Mobile objects, or mobs for short…

SorosBot December 9, 2011 at 7:07 pm

Why not just force people to move from their homelands against their will? It worked out so well for the Native Americans,

memzilla December 9, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Let's move all the Palestinians to Arizona. Those people all love sand, right?

flamingpdog December 9, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Any brown people being relocated to Arizona better love pink panties, too.

Negligently_Joe December 9, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Tru Dat

Scottsdalian December 10, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Anybody wanna buy a house?

Generation[redacted] December 9, 2011 at 8:20 pm

That requires many divisions of well-armed "civilizing forces" (with civilizing air support, and possibly some civilizing bunker-busters)

BaldarTFlagass December 9, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Maybe let them run some casinos.

Lascauxcaveman December 9, 2011 at 11:12 pm

Bingo!

Biel_ze_Bubba December 9, 2011 at 11:04 pm

That's exactly what Gnute means by "And they had a chance to go many places."

In other words, it's their own damned fault for staying put while Israel was built around (and on top) of their homes.

memzilla December 9, 2011 at 7:07 pm

**sigh** Newt, you ignorant slut.

Palestine was carved out as a British protectorate by both the Sikes-Picot Agreement and the Balfour Declaration, which were lines drawn on a map for the convenience of French and British civil administration imperial ambitions.

These map lines were drawn with no regard to the actual people who lived there, and is the cause, almost a century later, of most of the trouble in the Middle East.

The only reason you think Palestine isn't a real nation is that neither the Gaza Strip or the West Bank have a Tiffany's store.

Fukui_sanYesOta December 9, 2011 at 7:12 pm

QUICK, SIGN MEMZILLA UP FOR A $1.7M NOT-LOBBYING-IT'S-HISTORIANING DEAL WITH FANNIE MAE!

memzilla December 9, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Thanks. I toast you with a flagon of Ottomanischewitz.

Lascauxcaveman December 9, 2011 at 11:17 pm

And even before the British and French colonial powers gerrymanderd the holy land to their own liking, numerous (too many to count) diverse peoples had been living, loving, farming, trading and killing the shit out of each other there for 6,000 years.

The place has always been a fucking mess.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 12:43 am

Yes, but it was their fucking mess. I wish we could have kept it that way. Now it is all of our fucking mess. All of them, Katie.

ShaveTheWhales December 10, 2011 at 6:11 am

Ha! Do you expect a historian such as Newt Gingrich to pay attention to your … historical …. facts?

Goddam, I hate that motherfucker.

BarackMyWorld December 9, 2011 at 7:08 pm

He's actually said that bit about his "mission" out loud before (see the list of quotes at the bottom of the article). I was content to block out the memory of hearing him say it until now, so thanks for that.

RadioYKWE December 10, 2011 at 3:15 am

This pompous fartbag has been more discredited than alchemy. It really shows how much they hate Obama….and Mitts.

Gingrich/Rubio '12

Callyson December 9, 2011 at 7:08 pm

“Remember there was no United States of America as a state. It was part of the British and French Empires (once it grabbed the land from the indigenous people, that is.) And I think that we’ve had an invented American people, who are in fact colonizers, and were historically part of the immigrant community. And they had a chance to go many places.”
/fixed

V572 the Merciless December 9, 2011 at 7:50 pm

No, Newt says the so-called "Palestinians" are actually Arabs, so they should go to Arabia. If there's no country with exactly that name, we can create one with a small war or two.

Generation[redacted] December 9, 2011 at 8:21 pm

We could create one, and I bet they already have a location picked out!

Biff December 9, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Pali-pali-pali-stan-stan.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 9, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Never mind that the Arab countries don't particularly like the Palestinians … they get a pass only by being the enemy of the enemy.

DahBoner December 11, 2011 at 11:45 am

Muslim Caste System.

DaRooster December 9, 2011 at 7:10 pm

And here we all thought he was just a historian… man the guy knows so friggin' much.

hunnybee December 10, 2011 at 10:13 pm

what university gave this jackass a degree in history? i am amazed and appalled.

Geminisunmars December 12, 2011 at 2:18 am

Tulane. Phd.

hollywooddood December 9, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Arouser of those who form civilization.

I, for one, am not aroused.

OkieDokieDog December 9, 2011 at 7:10 pm

I've written grocery shopping lists that made more sense than that Newt crap.

dawg fud
tp
Coke
bread
and stuff

horsedreamer_1 December 9, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Cakes We Like
Cedar Cheese

Jukesgrrl December 10, 2011 at 12:47 am

Oh, thank you! I immediately thought about the cedar cheese shopping list when I read Okie's post. I saved it but God knows my computer's crashed at least three times since then. I'm glad someone else remembers it.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 12:54 am

I'm so glad you posted this. On my deathbed I'll remember "cakes we like."

JustPixelz December 10, 2011 at 9:34 am

i remember that from somewhere — a shopping list dropped at a Tea Party rally?

not that Dewey December 10, 2011 at 10:29 am

Boy, there are a bunch of humorless prigs over on the Snopes article about this, which I found while I was looking for the Jack Steuf classic version. They're all like "hey, I write stuff like that all the time" and "my mother has Alzheimers" and "it's clearly three different people's handwriting" and "look – they bought bananas stop calling them obese white trash" etc etc.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 10, 2011 at 10:59 am

Best comment:
"IME, a person's spelling ability is a very poor gauge of their intelligence and literacy level. And I say that as someone who happens to be able to spell very well."

Fukui_sanYesOta December 9, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Let's try that a different way

“Remember there was no Israel as a state. It was part of the Ottoman Empire. And I think that we’ve had an invented Israeli people, who are in fact Jews, and were historically part of the Jewish community. And they had a chance to go many places.”

not that Dewey December 9, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Don't let Jennifer Rubin hear you say that.
http://thinkprogress.org/security/2011/12/09/3859

horsedreamer_1 December 9, 2011 at 8:08 pm

You mean, like, Alaska?

Fukui_sanYesOta December 9, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Interestingly, I've just found Lou Sarah's essay on the origins of the country of Israel from her days at the University of Idaho

"There were some tribes, Katie, and they got headaches so they took pills (di asporin which is Herbew) and went on vacation. Unfortunately some squatters moved into their home while they were away, so long ago, just after the Holocene, they tried to move back and had to get some help from Paul Revere. Now they're safely at home indulging in akuatic fishing which they have a monument too (the whaling wall) and playing soccer. And that is the history of Isreal."

Biff December 9, 2011 at 8:57 pm

Worst book report evar! But about as historically accurate as the Newt.

Negropolis December 9, 2011 at 9:50 pm

di asporin is actually Italian, Charlie.

ThundercatHo December 9, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Jeez, there should be some kind of warning about drinking and trying to make sense of a make believe SP essay which I'm sure is still much easier than something that actually came out of what passes for her mind.

JustPixelz December 11, 2011 at 8:55 am

You know, I get that reference.

barto December 9, 2011 at 7:12 pm

I think he temporarily confused "civilization" for "privatization". This happens with crazies, ya know.

Jukesgrrl December 10, 2011 at 12:49 am

Some conservatives appear to confuse privatization with private parts, too. And interns with rent boys.

edgydrifter December 9, 2011 at 7:13 pm

It's like how the Indians refused to go back to India when the Americans were settling America. We wouldn't have had to kill most of them if they hadn't been so stubborn.

iburl December 9, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Are you jockeying to be appointed President Newt's Secretary of the Interior?

PalinzADummy December 9, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Head of the BIA.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 9, 2011 at 11:10 pm

They had a chance to go many places. Oh, wait, that was actually "many chances to go places." Look at the big chance Andrew Jackson gave 'em, for example!

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 12:38 am

Oh, the places you'll go! I mean, they got an all-expenses-paid trip through the South and lower Midwest! And then they even got a whole territory for themselves!

RadioYKWE December 9, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Don't worry everybody, even the smartest person who ever lived makes a gaffe now and then. John Bolton will get this all straightened out. At least Newt doesn't use a teleprompter.

fletc3her December 9, 2011 at 7:23 pm

John Bolton doesn't need a teleprompter because all he has to do is make a long droning sound while the mustache manipulates his upper lip to form words. Truly a wonder of symbiosis.

ShaveTheWhales December 10, 2011 at 6:14 am

Aha. The Puppet Masters as facial-hair-imitating parasites.

memzilla December 9, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Ah yes, John "Let's Nuke Iran Who Cares If Oil Goes To $400 A Barrel, I've Got Mine" Bolton.

Mumbletypeg December 9, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Everything I needed to know about getting "civilized" I learned from Hulk Hogan.

flamingpdog December 9, 2011 at 7:23 pm

No snark:

Newtie mentions here "3. The McKinley business—progressive-urban coalition to defeat the threat to modern industrialism."

Does anyone here know what the phuck he's talking about?

P.S. Doodle talks about "4 best examples of this kind of popular effort to renew America", but only lists 3. Guess he ran out of gas before he got to #4.

memzilla December 9, 2011 at 7:50 pm

I can only hazard that Newt means "no interfering with cops and Pinkertons machine-gunning striking workers on behalf of Carnegie, Armour, Swift, Getty, Vanderbilt, etc." Too bad we got Teddy "Trust Buster" Roosevelt right after McKinley, eh, Newt?

Biel_ze_Bubba December 9, 2011 at 11:12 pm

"And the fourth one is … nope …. I can't remember. Oops."

ShaveTheWhales December 10, 2011 at 6:24 am

Oh, please. Nobody has any idea what the fuck he's talking about. A disturbingly large fraction of the US electorate interprets his drivel to mean whatever they would like it to mean. I wish I didn't have to make same remark about the incumbent.

HistoriCat December 10, 2011 at 9:32 pm

"I don't understand what he's saying. He must be smart."

Crank_Tango December 9, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Oh, the places you'll go, "Palestinian" "people"!

Just not back to Palestine.

RadioYKWE December 9, 2011 at 7:24 pm

No doubt, this will definitely get Noot the Jewish vote.

DemmeFatale December 9, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Maybe the Isreali vote, but not the Jewish vote.
(Not always the same thing.)

donner_froh December 9, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Remember there was no Palestine as a state.

There was no United States of Amerikkka as a state; there was no France as a state, nor England nor any other country until enough people said it was. But somehow Palestine doesn't count unless it had been a state before fish learned to walk.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 9, 2011 at 11:14 pm

Which reminds me … has the pandering Prof. Gnute disavowed the theory of evolution yet? He's already cleansed his mind of AGW, so evolution can't be far behind.

dadanarchist December 9, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Unsurprising. If you've read any of the articles about Newt's dissertation on the Belgian Congo, he defines civilization as "white people take land that belongs to brown people, make the brown people work for white people, kill the brown people if/when they get too uppity, teach the brown people Christianity(TM), constantly remind brown people they are inferior, and ask brown people where they'd be without white people."

The same basic principles work, in Newt's mind, in the Congo, in the West Bank and in the United States.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 9, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Let's face it, it would just be easier if we gave all of the Levant back to the Romans. They're the only ones that can keep peace over there anyway.

BaldarTFlagass December 9, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Plus, they brought the aqueduct.

LesBontemps December 10, 2011 at 9:33 am

And sanitation. And the roads, irrigation, medicine …

RavenRant December 9, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Alas, the ancient Romans had the knack. The current Romans? *sigh*

horsedreamer_1 December 9, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Mm mm mm mm my Ariel Sharona.

ChernobylSoup December 10, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Considering what the Romans did that one time they thought a particular Jew was being all uppity, Bibi Netanyahu would have to watch the fuck out.

chascates December 9, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Well, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam are made-up religions as well. However the Palestinians are real and bleed real blood and are denied real freedom on their own land.

So take your Christian Zionist ideas and shove them.

JustPixelz December 10, 2011 at 9:49 am

That Christian Zionism is based on the prophecy that Judgment Day is preceded by the restoration of Jews to the Holy Land. So basically their support for Israel is so Israel (and everything else) can be wiped off the map. Hooray!

SayItWithWookies December 10, 2011 at 8:45 pm

At least the vast majority of Jews and Isrealis have the sense not to take their religion's eschatology seriously. The GOP, on the other hand, makes their religion's eschatology their party platform.

Puffperney December 11, 2011 at 12:17 am

Made up religion? Oxymoron?

JackObin December 9, 2011 at 7:27 pm

People with three ex-wives and six chins are pretend people.

Dudleydidwrong December 9, 2011 at 10:04 pm

As someone else put it so well: Newt has more chins than the Shanghai phone book.

Barrelhse December 9, 2011 at 10:10 pm

or Real Assholes.

yyyaz December 9, 2011 at 10:56 pm

Henry VIII just snorted mead on his scribe. Or would have.

Extemporanus December 9, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Perhaps if the Palestinians had had the foresight to get patent numbers like the Jews did around when Israel was invented, people wouldn't feel free to just cold infringe on their shit all the time.

memzilla December 9, 2011 at 7:44 pm

You mean Israel™.

Extemporanus December 10, 2011 at 5:24 am

thx i owe u one 1 #flesh

Sent from my iSrael™

RadioYKWE December 9, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Certainly you don't mean those tats on their forearms?
What, too soon?

Extemporanus December 10, 2011 at 5:27 am

Certainly not, see?

BaldarTFlagass December 9, 2011 at 7:27 pm

—Teacher of the rules of civilization
"To Fuck around on your wife when she's in hospital with life-threatening condition is perfectly acceptable behavior."

—arouser of those who form civilization
"A charge account at Tiffany's is usually enough to get her motor running, if she be shallow and vapid enough."

Biff December 9, 2011 at 9:05 pm

How is babbie civilization formed?

Numbat_Dundee December 9, 2011 at 10:58 pm

(With apologies to Auden)
To the man in the street
Who I'm sorry to say
Is a keen observer of life
The word "civilised" implies straight away
A man who's untrue to his wife.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 9, 2011 at 7:27 pm

So, who will be the first Native American Nation to hire Newt to use this argument so they can get Florida or some other state back?

Barrelhse December 9, 2011 at 10:15 pm

I have a suspicion that the BIA will move them ALL to Florida, just as soon as the ice-caps melt.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 9, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Won't be no more Florida … except for maybe a few phosphate waste heaps sticking out of the ocean. I expect they'll get the scorched wasteland that used to be Texas.

Biff December 10, 2011 at 1:33 pm

After it runs out of oil and gas, maybe. They made that mistake already, in Oklahoma.

MzNicky December 9, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Hey! Newt is a HISTORIAN!!1! Just ask Freddie Mac.

flamingpdog December 9, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Hey! Newt is a HYSTERIAN!!1!
/fixed

And I kind of suspect that Freddie Mac isn't the only Mac that Newtie's up close and tight with."

Biff December 10, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Then perhaps a hysterectomy is in order?

Biel_ze_Bubba December 9, 2011 at 11:20 pm

We should put HISTORIAN a garbage can, and have it picked up in the morning.

Nostrildamus December 9, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Missing from that list: two toilets.

weejee December 9, 2011 at 7:58 pm

That's because with Newtie, the shit comes out of both ends.

memzilla December 9, 2011 at 8:13 pm

You read the reviews about his Belgian Congo paper, right? It's the White Man's Turdin.'

NYNYNYjr December 10, 2011 at 2:02 am

Castilla poops pure cream cheese, and that always breaks one of the toilets. The other one has to contend with what comes out of Newt…so, yeah, minimum of two.

RavenRant December 9, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Anyone else getting the distinct impression that to the great 'patriots' of the Republican party, the US, the planet's greatest superpower, should be an obedient, bootlicking, groveling servant to Israel? And to the most extreme right wing religious zealots of Issrael?

I support Israel's right to exist as a state, and I support the US being an ally to Israel, but we are at a point where even the mildest criticism of Israel policy provokes hysteria verging on a psychotic break among almost all Republicans, and a good portion of Democrats.

No snark, just bafflement. I'd also like to see a thorough forensic accounting of how much our support for Israel costs us, directly and indirectly.

memzilla December 9, 2011 at 7:43 pm

The argument will be simply that the intelligence we get from Mossad and Shin Bet is invaluable. And pay no attention to that droning sound circling your house.

FlipOffResearch December 9, 2011 at 8:48 pm

By my calculations, enough to pave all our roads in gold.

RavenRant December 9, 2011 at 8:53 pm

I'd be happy if we were paving our streets with pavement, but, alas, that's not a priority.

Negligently_Joe December 9, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Right, the thing that gets me seething with rage is the whole "Israel's interests are America's interests" crap. NO THEY'RE NOT. Israel is a sovereign nation with an entirely different set of national priorities from America. Which is why, justforinstance, they've been putting out ads trying to shame Israelis out of moving to America.

Honestly, for all the talk about Israel's "existence,"* it's that exact crap that does the most harm to idea that Israel is a sovereign and independent nation, rather than an American colony in the Middle-East. They're our allies, but their priorities are not ours, and ours are not theirs, any more than our national priorities are the same as that of Britain, France, or Japan, and we should be pursuing our own agenda in the Middle East, not Isreal's.

*(it's in quotes because it's a fraught term that means very different things depending on who's using it and why, ranging from the obvious meaning to naive ears of the state's right to defend itself, to designating Israel explicitly and permanently non-pluralistic, to providing philosophical cover for the more radically expansionist agenda that some of the right-wing groups cling to)

RavenRant December 9, 2011 at 9:27 pm

And clearly Israel doesn't think America's interests are synonymous with its interests. It will be interesting if/when Obama is reelected, (and furious as I get with him about dozens of serious issues, any Republican would be massively worse.)

Netanyahu has been so offensive, insulting, and hostile to Obama. I think a second term, entrenched Obama might just set him straight. Or maybe sane Israelis will change their leadership.

And, speaking of offensive, those ads you mentioned were extremely insulting to American Jews. Counterproductive, much?

I see a deeply irrational, reckless, mindless streak growing here in this country and around the world. What can Netanyahu be thinking to offend his closest allies and supporters? They've got the so-called 'Christian Zionists' in their corner, but those clowns are just one fiery sermon away from full-blown anti-semitism, and they could be turned on a dime. And a good part of the rest of the world either hates Israel or simply couldn't care less about their survival. From what I see, most American Jews are much less enamored with the current government in Israel than the gibbering religious right claims to be.

Oh, well. I think we're failing at snark.

fuflans December 9, 2011 at 9:41 pm

yeah, but well said. i too wonder what will happen if bamz gets a second chance.

netanyahu is a cow.

Negropolis December 9, 2011 at 9:55 pm

I completely loss faith that the Israeli government could possibly do the right thing when open racist, xenophobe, and child abuser, Avigdor Lieberman (or whatever his name is), was appointed their foreign minister. It literally be like appointing John Bolton secretary of state, only worse. He's literally made quotes about "driving the Palestinians into the sea", but the world only seems to notice Hamas' equally nasty stance.

RavenRant December 9, 2011 at 10:20 pm

He's a real charmer.

I noticed this kind of one-sided treatment of the IRA, as well. (And I loathe the IRA.)

In US papers, you only read about IRA violence. It wasn't until I went to London that I discovered that the Ulster Defense League had murdered more civilians in Northern Ireland. (I found out about it in the London Times.)

I have rarely spoken to anyone in the US who had even heard of the Ulster Defense League.

Sadly, part of the problem is that Americans are so willfully ignorant and incurious about the rest of the world. It makes us that much more easily manipulated.

BaldarTFlagass December 9, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Say, you know who else was an advocate, definer, teacher, arouser, organizer, and leader of his "civilization"?

Fukui_sanYesOta December 9, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Charles Manson?

memzilla December 9, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Alley Oop?

horsedreamer_1 December 9, 2011 at 8:09 pm

L. Ron Hubbard?

Generation[redacted] December 9, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Sid Meier?

Dok-cupy Everything December 9, 2011 at 8:29 pm

I know this! I know this! It's ME: the Mayor of Sim City!!!!

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 9, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Jesus?

Negligently_Joe December 9, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Larry Flint? Eh, one or two out of six ain't bad.

Blueb4sunrise December 9, 2011 at 8:47 pm

Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!!!!!!!1

Biff December 9, 2011 at 9:13 pm

Marshall Applewhite?

Pithaughn December 10, 2011 at 11:59 am

He was also a major benefactor to the shoe industry.

Biff December 10, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Brand loyalty to the extreme, but yeah.

horsedreamer_1 December 11, 2011 at 2:56 am

I am still upset that Nike didn't change the name of the signature Northwest track & field event to the Prefontaine-Applewhite Classic.

Barrelhse December 9, 2011 at 10:16 pm

Well, I had a bag of plastic army men once.

yyyaz December 9, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Ahmenhotep?

Wade Boggs?

Salacious Crumb December 9, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Walt Disney?

Lascauxcaveman December 9, 2011 at 11:58 pm

NSFW Cleopatra? (If by arouser of civilization, you mean arouser of "me.")

flamingpdog December 11, 2011 at 3:10 pm

HA HA, screw you, state government, I viewed this at work!!!

It's Sunday, and I'm the only one here, except maybe for the guy watching me on the spy camera in the ceiling, and he's probably in Thailand, working for 12 cents an hour.

ShaveTheWhales December 10, 2011 at 6:30 am

Noah?

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Maradona?

HistoriCat December 11, 2011 at 12:01 am

Socrates?

iburl December 9, 2011 at 7:29 pm

"they had a chance to go many places."

Will that excuse hold when OWS takes over the Gingrich Mansion?

flamingpdog December 9, 2011 at 7:37 pm

At least they won't have to worry about a shortage of toilet facilities.

horsedreamer_1 December 9, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Read that as Gheorghe Muresan, & was about to book passage to Cluj-Napoca.

RadioYKWE December 9, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Like the Native Americans before them, all the Palestinians ever needed was a good Jewish lawyer.

RavenRant December 9, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Although, for Native Americans, their good jewish lobbyist wasn't such a bargain.

Goonemeritus December 9, 2011 at 7:33 pm

This is a standard right wing dog whistle. The more uninformed among these mouth breathers actually believe the land that now comprises Israel was actually totally empty before the 47. Newt is just speaking to his base, you know morons.

RavenRant December 9, 2011 at 7:51 pm

In a way, this is reminiscent of their defense of apartheid in South Afica – that the land was uninhabited before the Dutch and British came. It's a lie, of course, but it's also irrelevant to the inherently evil practice of apartheid.

Goonemeritus December 9, 2011 at 8:01 pm

I'm not surprised that Newt would wheel out this well worn chestnut he has spent much of his post disgrace years as a pundit. It is totally inappropriate for any one running for President to go down this road. Every administration since Carter has advocated a two state solution. By saying this he is announcing to the world that compared to him "W" was a member of Hezbollah.

RavenRant December 9, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Actually, "W" got Hamas legally elected through his bumbling foreign policy.

horsedreamer_1 December 9, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Pass the pita.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 9, 2011 at 11:25 pm

I thought the wingtard base believes that God gave the place to Moses.

I'll believe it when they produce the (long-form) deed.

Jukesgrrl December 10, 2011 at 1:00 am

Lou Sarah will be happy to fill you in on that as soon as she's finished shooting wolves from a helicopter belonging to some friend of Tawd's from the Alaska Independence Party. Speaking of independent states.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 1:14 am

Yep, and then god sent them on a campaign that can be described no other way than as a campaign of terror to kill every living thing on the land. History doesn't back up this story, at all (surprise!), but it's funny that they'd use such a horrible story as some kind of moral justification for the land.

flamingpdog December 9, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Jim Jones?

flamingpdog December 9, 2011 at 7:35 pm

No doubt now – the next time I go to the encyclopedia to look up "megalomaniac", I know who's picture will be there.

weejee December 9, 2011 at 8:01 pm

An animated GIF with Newt, Cantor, She1ey, Rick Perry, and Bible Spice?

Biel_ze_Bubba December 9, 2011 at 11:26 pm

And some guy named Donald.

Serolf_Divad December 9, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Those damned Palestinians… could've fled to just about anywhere, but chose to stay in their homes instead… the nerve of those people!

Bluestatelibel December 9, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Today we are all us "invented out of thin air."

yyyaz December 9, 2011 at 11:23 pm

And, no doubt, in the image of our "maker."

sbj1964 December 10, 2011 at 6:51 am

Palestinians were created out of thin air! By the Flying Spaghetti MONSTER!

Numbat_Dundee December 9, 2011 at 7:45 pm

If the Palestinians don't exist then who the fuck are the Israeli's trying to keep out with that wall of theirs? The Ottomans?

SilverTsunami December 9, 2011 at 7:52 pm

No, I think it's the Recliners.

Fukui_sanYesOta December 9, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Nazi land-crabs. I read it on Newsmax.

sbj1964 December 10, 2011 at 6:49 am

Palestinians are like the Fairy Folk? Newt is a retard .

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Wait, are you saying the homos are 'invented' too?!? Excuse me, I'm going to pull all my money out of TIAA-CREF and throw it all into Marcus B. FagFix, LLC [MFAG] right now.

horsedreamer_1 December 10, 2011 at 11:59 am

I am sure Israel has it's share of those Peruvian pipe bands that play on the plazas & mass transit terminals of Europe. I even saw them in Romania.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 10, 2011 at 11:59 pm

The Barcaloungers.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 9, 2011 at 7:47 pm

As president, Newt would not have to hold back what he really thinks.

Think about it.

weejee December 9, 2011 at 8:03 pm

/ runs to parapet and leaps

GeorgiaBurning December 9, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Good thing the White House has extra toilets.

TheJasonAlexanderFanClub December 9, 2011 at 7:52 pm

I think Newt has played too many games of Civilization IV. Trade me gold for spices, Montezuma!

sbj1964 December 10, 2011 at 6:48 am

A game of UNO would confuse Newt.

BaldarTFlagass December 9, 2011 at 8:01 pm

"And they had a chance to go many places.”

Diasporas are so inspiring, and fun too!

sbj1964 December 10, 2011 at 6:47 am

These Republican debates are like watching the last comic standing show.

Biel_ze_Bubba December 10, 2011 at 11:53 pm

I can hardly wait for the Broadway musical.

snackypants December 9, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Palestinians are corporations, too, my friend!

(Oh, wait…wrong candidate.)

horsedreamer_1 December 9, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Arafat should have rebranded his pre-Palestinian Authority organization as the PLLCO.

Generation[redacted] December 9, 2011 at 8:27 pm

They just need to form a SuperPAC and call it American Freedom Defenders for Prosperity

Negligently_Joe December 9, 2011 at 8:50 pm

But would PLLCO be a PC, LLC, or LLP?

horsedreamer_1 December 9, 2011 at 8:52 pm

All of them, Katie.

Negropolis December 9, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Nope, if they'd have been a corporation, Newt would be trying to funnel money to them.

Biff December 10, 2011 at 1:51 pm

from them, more likely.

spends2much December 9, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Dude has the same delusional self-confidence as those Project Runway contestants who weep while watching their awesome garbage bag dresses float down the catwalk. Frankly, the average PR contestant would do less damage as POTUS.

donner_froh December 10, 2011 at 2:13 pm

But the PR contestant wouldn't be nearly as fab.

OneYieldRegular December 9, 2011 at 8:10 pm

The Widow Gingrich she took me for her son, and allowed she would sivilize me; but it was rough living in the house all the time, considering how dismal regular and decent the widow was in all her ways; and so when I couldn’t stand it no longer I lit out. I got into my old rags and my sugar-hogshead again, and was free and satisfied. But Tom Sawyer he hunted me up and said he was going to start a band of robbers, and I might join if I would go back to the widow and be respectable. So I went back.

Dok-cupy Everything December 9, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Well, dammit, I shoulda knowed I wasn't the only one to think of this….

horsedreamer_1 December 9, 2011 at 8:12 pm

By this logic, the Sons of Confederate Veterans are just as fake.

poorgradstudent December 9, 2011 at 8:13 pm

…as opposed to the current citizens of Israel, who really are the direct descendants of the people who lived in the ancient kingdoms of Judea and Israel thousands of years ago!

Spurning Beer December 9, 2011 at 9:00 pm

"Palestinian" is cognate with 'Philistine," by the way. Canaanites, basically, the indiginees that the Israelites kicked out 4000 years ago, if you believe the Torah. Not direct descendants, of course.

All of my ancestors came from Africa, however. About 200,000 years ago.

yyyaz December 9, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Cuz!!!111!!! Now, if we could get about 6.99 billion other people to accept this fact, maybe, just maybe, civilization could commence in earnest. HA HA HA HA (snort) ….. I just crack myself up when I think thoughts like this. It keeps my head from exploding in reaction to whatever nonsense the repugnitard du jour spews from his/her/its piehole.

Bluestatelibel December 9, 2011 at 8:17 pm

Also, Newt writes that he wants to be an "arouser of those who form civilization." Yuck!

Lascauxcaveman December 10, 2011 at 12:16 am

Almost makes a person want to go out and form anarchy in a very demonstrative way, just to be safe.

Dok-cupy Everything December 9, 2011 at 8:24 pm

But I reckon I got to light out for the territory, because Uncle Newtie's going to sivilize me, and I can't stand it. I been there before.

dennis1943 December 9, 2011 at 8:27 pm

I wish Newts alternate universe would stay put……………..

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 9, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Maybe we are all taking this wrong. Maybe Newt is saying that the Palestinians just need to re-brand themselves? What is a "Palestinians" anyway. Do they live in Palal land? They needs something different…, like …., "Xi." No, wait, that's been taken…, maybe "BP" for "Born in Palestine." Nope, that's been taken too. Maybe they could just go with something like "The Tea Party." Yeah, that will do it. Catch their rebellious nature and it would align with Newt's total misunderstanding of history.

Blueb4sunrise December 9, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Wait. The Gingrich doodles were written when he was an adult uhhh,
over 13 years old!!!

El Pinche December 9, 2011 at 8:36 pm

- Eater of 12 sandwiches
- Adulterer of wives stricken with cancer
- All around fartbag

Blueb4sunrise December 9, 2011 at 8:36 pm

The past three threads are full of win WEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Thank you all.

And somebody smack me before I use the strike again.

Negligently_Joe December 9, 2011 at 8:38 pm

To be fair, that argument's pretty consistent with the GOP's position on immigration, namely that unless all of your great-grandparents were also (WHITE) US citizens by birth, you don't belong here.

horsedreamer_1 December 9, 2011 at 8:53 pm

Have to update my bird certifkat.

Negligently_Joe December 9, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Guys, remember, though: Newt got paid 1.7 Million dollars by Freddie Mac to be a historian, and not to peddle influence as anyone with half a brain would have surmised.

Therefore, we should just take him at his word, because it's not like Freddie Mac would have paid Mudkipz 1.7 Million dollars to leak mendaciously ahistoric pablum out of his face-anus, so there's literally no way that could be what's going on here.

James Michael Curley December 9, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Is that one of them Newts which gives you a sikeedelik trip when's you lick it?

Negligently_Joe December 9, 2011 at 8:51 pm

You know who else denied the existence of an entire people? Actually wait that one isn't even really that funny.

horsedreamer_1 December 9, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Rod Serling?

Biff December 9, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Mamud Ahmadinejad?

not that Dewey December 9, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Descartes?

Bluestatelibel December 10, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Sauron the Dark Lord?

Limeylizzie December 9, 2011 at 8:54 pm

I had a Palestinian lover when I was at the University of Texas and he was very definitely a real person, more inventive than invented, if you get my drift.

BaldarTFlagass December 9, 2011 at 9:03 pm

No disrespect intended Liz, but he must have been pretty happy to put it to a Brit finally, considering how the Brits put it to his peeps from the Balfour Declaration onward…

Limeylizzie December 9, 2011 at 9:07 pm

He would scream , as he climaxed, damn you Lord Balfour!

Spurning Beer December 9, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Wait. You were at the University of Texas!!?!

Limeylizzie December 9, 2011 at 9:11 pm

Crazy huh? Yes, I did my graduate work there.

Numbat_Dundee December 9, 2011 at 10:51 pm

She just lay there and thought of Lord Balfour, as all good English girls are taught to do.

Dashboard Buddha December 10, 2011 at 10:02 am

There's a joke there about a fertile crescent but I love you too much to make it up.

Slim_Pickins December 9, 2011 at 9:00 pm

If you are not Southern by the grace of Yahweh, Newt has no room for you in his cosmography.

BaldarTFlagass December 9, 2011 at 9:08 pm

There is no spoon.

user-of-owls December 9, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Looking at that picture, it occurred to me that real newts don't have any teeth.

Now, where are those pliers…

not that Dewey December 10, 2011 at 1:22 am

It wouldn't do any good.

They have the ability to regenerate limbs, eyes, spinal cords, hearts, intestines, and upper and lower jaws.

and also

The cells at the site of the injury have the ability to de-differentiate, reproduce rapidly, and differentiate again to create a new limb or organ. One theory is that the de-differentiated cells are related to tumour cells since chemicals which produce tumours in other animals will produce additional limbs in newts.

This could explain the cancer-wife/mistress pattern, plus his ability to continue being invited onto Meet the Press long after he ceased to be relevant to anybody.

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 12:00 pm

A Wiki page with "Newt#Characteristics" that apparently hasn't been hacked to pieces worse someone that ran afoul of the Zetas? Well, I am just…oh, wait! Sorry, can't write. There's a yeti riding on Nessie's back who's throwing snowballs stamped "Made in Hell" in my backyard.

I didn't think I was hallucinating, though, until he played a video of Gingrich's inauguration.

not that Dewey December 10, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Do I sense an opportunity for War Blogging?

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 5:31 pm

It certainly is a ripe target, but only if the Wonketburo issues a diktat authorizing подрывная деятельность. Shall we put this 'opportunity' in a more prominent location such that the vanguard might notice it?

littlebigdaddy December 9, 2011 at 9:37 pm

Newtie is a cultural constructionist? Who would've thought?

Negropolis December 9, 2011 at 9:42 pm

OT: Just to piss him off, can Wonkette please begin to refer to him simply as Newton or Leroy Gingrich or L. Ron Gingrich?

BTW, Golda Meir made the same disgusting point. It's no more real or any less disgusting now as it was then, Leroy. Mayhaps he forgets that "Israelis" were "invented", too.

Gingrich—Primary Mission
—Advocate of civilization
—definer of civilization
—Teacher of the rules of civilization
—arouser of those who form civilization
—Organizer of the pro-civilization activists
—leader (possibly) of the civilizing forces.

I'm no psychiatrist, but I see at the very least a glaring personality disorder, right there.

Negligently_Joe December 9, 2011 at 10:07 pm

I'm going with Mudkipz Gingrich, personally.

Though honestly that almost feels like it should be a nickname for Herman Cain.

fishskicanoe December 10, 2011 at 12:02 am

L. Ron Gingrich… I like it.

littlebigdaddy December 9, 2011 at 9:45 pm

She turned me into a newt!….I got better.

fuflans December 9, 2011 at 9:46 pm

this fucking guy

not that Dewey December 9, 2011 at 9:53 pm

The Year 2000, 43rd of April

Today is a day of splendid triumph. Spain has a king; he has been found, and I am he.

Sorry, Chichikovovich. I just couldn't resist.

Chichikovovich December 10, 2011 at 11:26 am

Ah – good one, NTD. (By the way, are you not Dewey the philosopher, not Dewey the decimal-system inventor, not Admiral Dewey the victor at Manila Bay or not Dewey nephew of Donald Duck, or not all of them KT?)

Would have acknowledged the dead on quote earlier, but I'm at a conference and the organizers carelessly failed to build in Wonkette – surfing breaks in to the timetable.

It reminds me of a quote from the original that Gogol was planning – to include in the lost unfinished sequel Memoirs of a MadNewt:

When I was alone, I determined to study State affairs; I discovered that Spain and China are one and the same country, and it is only through ignorance that people regard them as separate kingdoms. I advice everyone urgently to write down the word “Spain” on a sheet of paper; he will see that it is quite the same as China.

not that Dewey December 10, 2011 at 11:48 am

I am not all of them except John (that's JD shaking hands with Trotsky in my av pic). This became my pat response when I would endeavor to explain to people who John Dewey was :

"Oh" they would say "you mean the one who defeated Truman?"

no, not that Dewey

"Oh, so he must be the one who did the Decimal System?"

no, etc etc

It became tiresome, so I mainly just stopped talking about him.

I hate it when our employers and conference organizers fail to consider our need to keep up with the late-breaking poop jokes. Don't they understand how time-critical it is?

Are you sure that last quote wasn't from Diary of a Mad Tom Friedman? I suppose his theory of geopolitics is about as well-developed as Newt's.

johnnyzhivago December 9, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Wait a minute he's just ripping off The Alan Parsons Project:

"I am the maker of rules, dealing with fools… I can cheat you blind"

Negropolis December 9, 2011 at 10:04 pm

You know what other country didn't exist, and it's people invented, and who not only had the "chance to go many places" but were forced "to go many place?" Hengh?

Carrabuda December 9, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Narnia?

tribbzthesquidz December 9, 2011 at 10:51 pm
RadioYKWE December 9, 2011 at 11:27 pm

You're in country country.

DemmeFatale December 10, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Haven't seen that much gaudy fabulousness and bad lip-synching since the 1977 Euro-Vision Song Contest!

RadioYKWE December 9, 2011 at 11:25 pm

South Vietnam?

Dok-cupy Everything December 9, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Alderaan?

horsedreamer_1 December 10, 2011 at 2:39 am

Tuvalu?

Biff December 10, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I, for one, welcome our new Tuvaluan overlords, but I fear the Tuvaluan Diaspora.

subsum December 9, 2011 at 10:09 pm

Newt Gingrich, like Sean Hannity, is such a waste of DNA it's not even worth flushing the fucking toilet for him. Fuck him–and his third wife too.

ttommyunger December 9, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Newtie could have fled almost anywhere after his shameful censoring by his House Peers….and I wish he had.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 12:30 am

You know what, Tommy? I'm actually kind of glad that the GOP base is lauding this clown. There is not a more appropriate candidate for these morally bankrupt, corrupt, cynical voters than a morally bankrupt, corrupt, cynical candidate. Gingrich is the perfect reminder of the post-Reagan Republican Party in all its decrepit, decayed glory-horror.

You know, short of Dubya, they've gone with his mild-mannered daddy, and Dole and McCain. This will be the first time since Dubya's second term that they've nominated someone so perfectly matched with their nasty-assed base voter. Gingrich is the sheer embodiement of GOP hubris, failure, and overreach. A crook for all seasons.

Jukesgrrl December 10, 2011 at 1:08 am

FTW.

ttommyunger December 10, 2011 at 11:25 am

Your comment is as insightful as it is accurate. My observation was written strictly from the place of my personal loathing for this toad.

Dudleydidwrong December 9, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Palestinians not real people? Newt, you are even more of an ass and less of a historian than I thought. "Palestinian" probably is a derivative of the "Philistines" who figure prominently in those Old Testament stories. And they may have been descendants of the Sea Peoples of Egyptian history who are probably escapees from the Mediterranean islands when Santorini erupted. Not a real people? Hell, they've been there longer than many of the folks who claim the land. Newt, you are a fucking moron. A real fucking moron. But anything-anything-for a vote. Whore.

Salacious Crumb December 9, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Santorum eruption?! Gross!

Lascauxcaveman December 10, 2011 at 1:15 am

There are some (historian Robert Graves, novelist Tom Robbins, et al) who argue the name of Palestine comes from 'Pales,' the Ass-god, and those who worship ass.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 1:20 am

If that's the case, there is many a man and woman throughout time who've fallen prey to worshipping this thing you call "Pales", particularly people of "The Blacks" variety.

Lascauxcaveman December 10, 2011 at 1:36 am

those who worship ass.

As I typed that, I thought "Today, we are all Palestinians."

horsedreamer_1 December 10, 2011 at 2:40 am

Ava Devine for President.

Dudleydidwrong December 10, 2011 at 11:41 am

Shakespeare was one of those worshipers:

"There's a divinity that shapes our ends…"

x111e7thst December 9, 2011 at 11:00 pm

For such a smart guy the Newt sure is a dickless wonder.

ShaveTheWhales December 10, 2011 at 6:36 am

For such a dickless guy, Newt is sure stupid.

DustBowlBlues December 9, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Guess Newt never heard of any group called the Palestinian Christians. Isn't Israel kind of the invented one? Seriously–the Old Testament isn't exactly google maps nor a property title made out to Jews. Guess Newt never heard of Palestinian Xians.

tribbzthesquidz December 9, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Gingrich—Primary Mission
—Steal Krabby Patty formula

DustBowlBlues December 9, 2011 at 11:15 pm

At out community Thanksgiving service L(I had to go. It was at my church this time) the preacher was a Pentecostal. Between yelling "do I hear an Amen" and other such shit, he went on a rant (I think it's what he people–"amening" on cue–think of as a sermon) about our nation being "Under God" just like the founding fathers put in the Declaration (the purpose of which they never, ever have gotten nor ever will) and we stay a nation UG and stand fast with Israel, we'll be okay. In the next breath, he said he wouldn't say anything political because it would be divisive.

The last of us in the kitchen, cleaning up the dishes from the cookie buffet the Baptist Dickhead insisted we provide in copious amounts, talked this whole thing over. My pastor said that she thinks the Israel welfare = USA welfare is so ingrained in the right's world view that it never occurred to this nitwit. Except, she really is a good Christian and didn't call him "nitwit."

A foreign policy based on one sects' interpretation of a religion. Doesn't make sense, does it?

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 12:41 am

At out community Thanksgiving service L(I had to go. It was at my church this time) the preacher was a Pentecostal.

Yes, Mrs. Bowls, but the question remains, were there any snakes involved?

Jukesgrrl December 10, 2011 at 1:14 am

Re: the Copious Cookie Buffet®, all the new research is indicating that glucose intolerance is a precursor to some forms of early dementia.

Lascauxcaveman December 10, 2011 at 1:25 am

Sometimes a good Christian needs to let another Christian know when they're being a nitwit. Why not? Jesus had a way of setting the sanctimonious idiots straight, or at least die trying. There's a section for that on my daughter's Catholic school report card: "Christian Social Growth."

As a non-believing former cat lickker, I'm a little bit frustrated by some of the shit my kids have had foisted upon them at my old neighborhood Catholic school. But that Christian Social Growth section of their report card is really all about "what would Jesus do," and they get marked up or down accordingly.

DustBowlBlues December 9, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Newt isn't smart. He memorized some outliers' interpretation of history and talks fast and in a domineering way and uses terms that sound smart and bamboozles people who are dumber than he is.

I heard he became Catholic, like wife #3. Did the Pope give him a couple of those Catholic divorces? Did they get married in the church?

And more Newt goodies that have escaped current notice. He got a student deferment to avoid the draft. When that didn't work anymore, he got a wife. When Uncle Sam started drafting married men, he had a kid, then another one. Knocked up the first wife every time he risked going to one of the wars he loved.

If these people had half a brain or a quarter of a conscience, they wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

Dok-cupy Everything December 9, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Well, you see, since his first two marriages were not in Holy Mother Church, he was not actually married at all.

Seriously, my mother explained that to me when I went and got married in a Unitarian fellowship hall, by a judge. In God's eyes, I was still a fornicator.

tribbzthesquidz December 9, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Your wedding seems pretty legit next to mine. We got hitched in the Juvenile Hall Break Room at the courthouse by a hippie county clerk who was wearing beads.
All have forniculated in the eyes of Gawd which makes Him wrathful because it burns.

not that Dewey December 10, 2011 at 1:01 am

We were married in a jazz club (hey Chet — do you remember the Bop Shop?). Our "priest" got ordained from an ad in Rolling Stone, a la Chris in Northern Exposure. Where do you suppose that falls in the hierarchy of illegitimate marriages?

RavenRant December 9, 2011 at 11:41 pm

One of the 'quirks' o the Catholic Church is it doesn't recognize weddings outside the Catholic Church. The other marriages are annulled, a few hoops to jump through, and presto change-o, you're ♪♫ like a virgin, touched for the very first time. ♪♫

Which means he made his children by his first wife illegitimate. Not legally, but in the eyes of the church. Stand up guy.

I imagine they both had to say a few Our Fathers and Hail Marys to make up for the years of adultery and deceit, but once they were absolved, they're good as new. I'm not sure the country is as easy to appease as the parish priest, though. Character doesn't morph so easily.

And, of course, OF COURSE, he's a chicken hawk.

RadioYKWE December 10, 2011 at 12:48 am

Nothing worse than a chickenhawk who thinks he smart. It's been the CURSE of our politics for the last 40-50 years.

RavenRant December 10, 2011 at 1:24 am

Pretty much defines the neocons in a nutshell, doesn't it? And no amount of abject, catastrophic, blood-drenched failure can convince them they're not every bit as smart as they think they are.

But let's not look backward, let's look forward. *gag* *choke*

iburl December 10, 2011 at 1:55 pm

I agree with the overall premise that Newt is an idiot, but I have to admit that getting out of Vietnam any way you could was kinda smart. My dad pulled all of those same tricks. Of course, my dad is not as good as arousing civilizers to kill foreigners as Newtie is.

tribbzthesquidz December 9, 2011 at 11:34 pm

His "smart" routine is bullshit. He's an actor, acting as an intellectual with big empty words and vacuous ideas. When the Zombies come, he will be safe.

BarackMyWorld December 9, 2011 at 11:53 pm

Using his criteria, Israel was "invented" after World War II.

Jukesgrrl December 10, 2011 at 1:22 am

Yeah … didn't he see Exodus??

NYNYNYjr December 10, 2011 at 1:54 am

And there was no Turkey, it was just invented. It used to just be part of the Ottoman empire! Look at me, I'm an idiot! FYI Newt- there was something that existed between the fall of the OE and the birth of Israel…it was called Palestine. It was a British protectorate with state-like existence. It hung around for like 30 years. Do you have a problem with European powers inventing states? They invented every African and Middle-east state.

arihaya December 10, 2011 at 2:44 am

if there was no Turkey what did the Founding Fathers ate for Thanksgiving?

footstools?

Fukui_sanYesOta December 10, 2011 at 3:07 am

I seem to think "British America" played some part in the naming of your very pleasant parvenu pack of philistine states.

arihaya December 10, 2011 at 2:19 am

if Newt is a real historian, he should be aware that genetically Palestinians are genetically related to Jews,

and they are very likely descended from Jews who were Christianized during Roman Empire and later Islamized during the 1400 years of Ummayad-Abbasid-Fatimid-Ayyubid-Ottoman rules.

Why did Newt hate Jews? is he a closeted anti-semte ?? hhheeh ??

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 2:37 am

I think it'd be more correct to describe the two's relation out of the fact that they both descended from pre-Hebrew and pre-Arab people's native to the region, not that one comes from the other, though, there was always mixing. There is a plethora of groups that lived in that area with the Hebrews that the current-day Palestinians are descendants of. Palestinians aren't simply, only, or even mostly Arabized or Christianized Jews. In fact, that was an view of early Israeli's that wanted to somehow fit them into the nation that never quite panned out, you know, that Palestinians were simply "lost" Hebrews. One is not a descendent of the other.

Fukui_sanYesOta December 10, 2011 at 3:26 am

From an area which gave us agriculture and most major religions, as well as the earliest written language.

The whole geographic area there is incredibly important, since it was the birthplace of the city-state, and thus the place to innovate a set of rules such that disparate tribes could live together in mutually beneficial symbiosis.

Not to denigrate anyone's belief system, but it really does seem that the Abrahamic religions are an emergent property of this process. Inter-tribe breeding and so on would have been prevalent both pre- and post-, say, Sumerian times.

All this bloodline bullshit is so much bullshit. Just look at Mitochondrial Eve. We're all from the same mother

RadioYKWE December 10, 2011 at 9:32 am

Another great book on this topic is called Before the Dawn by Nicholas Wade.The language gene, and hence civilization, has only been here for 50,000 years. And, interestingly, the initial migration took place over the Suez land bridge…..we are all related.

RadioYKWE December 10, 2011 at 3:24 am

He doesn't hate Jews, He just thinks he is smarter than them and wants their money and votes.

Fukui_sanYesOta December 10, 2011 at 3:34 am

Substitute "Jews" for "People" and I think you're there.

ShitFilledExistence December 10, 2011 at 4:12 am

Oh, the Places You'll Go!*
*because you're politically invisible

BZ1 December 10, 2011 at 9:57 am

Newt may "actually be clinically insane", was there some doubt?

Dudleydidwrong December 10, 2011 at 11:53 am

Wikipedia:
"Megalomania is a psycho-pathological condition characterized by delusional fantasies of power, relevance, or omnipotence. 'Megalomania is characterized by an inflated sense of self-esteem and overestimation by persons of their powers and beliefs'.[1] Historically it was used as an old name for narcissistic personality disorder…"

No, there's no doubt.

glamourdammerung December 10, 2011 at 11:06 am

Of course he wants to be the (possible) leader of civilization as well as the one that defines it. After all, he certainly does not want to be one of the ones his kind would be sending to the death camps.

Scottsdalian December 10, 2011 at 11:21 am

This Intellectual is just too damn intellectual for us mortal Murkins.

He should be the Chief of that New World Order thingy that has all those nighttime attack black helicopters and jackbook troops and other scary stuff.

Perfect for him.

Chichikovovich December 10, 2011 at 11:36 am

Y'know, the Palestinians have a real P.R. problem in Washington these days. Looks like they should have paid Newt the $1.8 million he asked for.

BarackMyWorld December 10, 2011 at 11:53 am

You think Gingrich read Kipling as a kid, but instead of "The Jungle Book" he read "The White Man's Burden"?

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 12:11 pm

I have an axe to grind with that.

eaglewon December 10, 2011 at 1:07 pm

for that matter, the Jews had a chance to go anywhere else, as well. But the US and England decided they would take the Palestinians (or Arabs) land.

iburl December 10, 2011 at 1:50 pm

The weird thing is that in Gingrich's mansion, each bedroom has 2 bathrooms, each of those bathrooms has two sub-bathrooms, and each bathroom and sub-bathroom has a black child janitor who lives in the towel cabinet.
Weird.

weejee December 10, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Saturday Phizzics for Phun – Part 1
If you look at a plot of the popularity of Rethug Prez candidates versus time it seems to be a clear lesson in bombastics ballistics. If you can put on latex gloves and click this clickie it will take you to a HuffPo plot of would be presidential poopulartity.

Now to talk about ballistics, and to keep most all of the egregiously too difficult maths out of it, perhaps the easiest way to follow ballistic trajectories is with the use of a free body diagram. In this one, take the circle to be the candidate; the green arrow & mg = mass times gravity (or return to reality since both result in significant grounding); the blue arrow & V = velocity (or polled support); and the beautiful red arrow Fair is, fair enough, the force of air resistance to the blather coming from the mouth of the respective Rethug grifter. Following are a brief discussions of the past and expected future trajectories of the once and future Rethuglican Presidential Nominee.

Mittens: Flatline at ~ 20 percent since forever, and will remain same for forever. This is what is known in the maths as a constant. None dynamics or tragectory here, but even a mathless lit major from Farleigh give you the Dickenson Dame Peggyington Noonerton knows that.

She1ey: Batshit crazy Bachmann did her way sub-orbital unguided ballistic missile event way back in late July. This was accomplished by stuffing far too many corn cobs into every opening in Iowa. Well her corn poppings didn't provide sufficient velocity (that's the blue V and arrow in free body diagram) and although our beloved Fair (red arrow & Fair) pounded on Mrs. Marcus with a vengeance, She1ey is a skinny thing and thus she was able to coast to Cocktober before falling below 5%.

Festive Rick Perry: The plot of Rethug love for closet queen Rick Perry shows a two stage trajectory. Rick the Prick's initial liftoff in June was provided by LSD (Lone Star Draft for the uninitiated) and was followed in the last week of July with the firing of his hatebanrao burrito-powered second stage (Google Ni**erhead). This two stage tactic sent Ricky soaring over Mitt for four whole weeks!!! However, all the media magic that Tejas could provide was not able to hide the fact that even by A&M standards Perry is a mendacious moran and the headwinds of blessed Fair have now sent him under the 5 percentage point irrelevancy level.

Biff December 10, 2011 at 6:04 pm

All that talk about trajectories, I thought I'd find something of use for lobbing Angry Birds into their intended targets. God. Damnit.

donner_froh December 10, 2011 at 2:30 pm

And they had a chance to go many places.

Mass migration compelled by the lash of armed force has worked out so well in the past: Armenians/Turkey, 1915; Cherokee/Amerikkka, 1838; Urban/rural Cambodia, 1975.

fitley December 10, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Arouser? Is Newt feeling a stirring in his pants again?

Trinket December 10, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Is it impossible for him to NOT be an asshole?

thebeatgoeson December 10, 2011 at 3:19 pm

That photo of "primordial Newt" is infinitely preferable to one of "current day Newt".

Schmegeg December 10, 2011 at 4:38 pm

NEWTON LEROY McPHERSON! Quit talkin poor about your Palestinian bros, you stupid white trash.

cheetojeebus December 10, 2011 at 4:51 pm

I wonder if Newt's Horatio Alger-like campaign will last the night? It felt like NPR was readying Paul for front runner status yesterday on their feature of him. Will there be a new thread for the debate i wonder? Will the rotund ready to pop pustule become yesterday's news? Will Santorum flame out?

comrad_darkness December 10, 2011 at 5:05 pm

I'll take Delusions of Grandeur for $500, Alex.

Dudleydidwrong December 10, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Ah, but Delusions of Adequacy fits The Newt more closely

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Live blog? Anybody? Anybody?

Dok-cupy Everything December 10, 2011 at 8:51 pm

sure, it's saturday night and I was planning on drinking anyway

Nostrildamus December 10, 2011 at 9:18 pm

I picked the wrong week to stop jabbing an ice pick into my brain.

DustBowlBlues December 10, 2011 at 8:53 pm

No liveblog? Boohoo. Shall we just hang around here and entertain ourselves? In the way of entertainment, I don't know how the rest of you losers will take that, but I mean entertain ourselves while we cook Christmassy things for the church potluck, after the children's Xmas pageant.

Okay. If that doesn't take the bloom off any ideas you have of auto-pleasuring yourself, you are NOT one bit Christmassy tonight.

Dok-cupy Everything December 10, 2011 at 9:02 pm

This will be a novelty–I don't have cable, so this is the first of the debates that i'm not trying to watch via streaming media. God, those people are terrifying on a full sized TV screen….

ifthethunderdontgetya December 10, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I've got booze, who's got a url for the gooper clown show?
~

Carrabuda December 10, 2011 at 9:02 pm

Chatango, anyone?

Dok-cupy Everything December 10, 2011 at 9:05 pm

No Huntsman, I see. So it'll be unrelenting Krazee, with the occasional sane moments from Ron Paul….followed by a principled case for repealing the Civil Right Act

DustBowlBlues December 10, 2011 at 9:05 pm

The network says this is a blockbuster debate. The editors on "our" the wonket are probably hiding because they just can't face another. What is there left for these Republitards–Wait! Salute them for their contribution to our democracy? Who fucking wrote that–some writer moonlighting from his day job, producing scripts for Colbert, Stewart, SNL?

Dok-cupy Everything December 10, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Also, there's the never-ending clown party at http://wonkette.chatango.com/

Only we're the good clowns

Dok-cupy Everything December 10, 2011 at 9:09 pm

Rick Perry does indeed have a record of killing people in Texas

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:13 pm

I have to watch a debate without teh Wonkette?! Not enough alcohol to drown the silence.

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:14 pm

GAWD! Explain again how cutting taxes and regulations on banks will help? Was anyone paying attention to 2001-2008?

Blueb4sunrise December 10, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Debase on pirate tv…. haven't yet had the nerve to turn on the sound though
http://www.thertv.eu/711

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:15 pm

OK, no payroll tax cut from Miche1e. THIS tax cut costs money, other tax cuts don't. ok.

SudsMcKenzie December 10, 2011 at 9:17 pm

They are one Mormon short?

Dudleydidwrong December 10, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Of a full clown car?

V572 the Merciless December 10, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Our local (San Diego) ABC outlet isn't broadcasting the debate, or maybe they'll play it on tape later. If you go to their Website to try to figure out WTF is going on, they have a link to a live feed. Apparently they make more $$ running their idiotic local news. Can't find out, though, because when you call the station, nobody answers. Fourth Estate FTW!

Jukesgrrl December 10, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Maybe they're all watching the presentation of the Heisman Trophy.

V572 the Merciless December 10, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Answer to the email I sent the station manager:“we felt that there would be more people available in prime time so we opted to preempt our normal programming to run the debate at 9pm. we also are streaming it live on our website to make it available to those who prefer to watch it live.”jb

Jukesgrrl December 11, 2011 at 6:33 pm

I'll bet the dedicated fans of whatever crap was on in prime time were thrilled.Soap opera fans still haven't gotten over their shows being preempted for the OJ trial.

V572 the Merciless December 11, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Actually exchanged a couple of more more emails with the station manager last night and he claimed they lost money by delaying the debate broadcast. Couldn't really argue with that so thanked him for answering.

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Wait a minute. How long have I failed to notice your shameless grab of my Ming schtick?

Gross larceny or touching homage?
You Decide!

V572 the Merciless December 10, 2011 at 9:33 pm

A few days…It’s an homage! I love Flash Gordon—he liberated the Clay People, the Forest People, the Lion Men…all the oppressed peoples of Mongo. A freedom fighter!

Biff December 10, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Go here: http://abcnews.go.com/
and come to wonkette.chatango.com

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:17 pm

My tax cut is a bandaid….. Abolishing the estate tax? Creates jobs.

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Rick Santorum used the word, "bevy." Correctly.

Damn, I never believed in the concept of LSD flashbacks before. I guess it's not hogwash after all.

yyyaz December 10, 2011 at 10:20 pm

Keep writing. Flashbacks are contagious and I'm in desperate need of an altered state that I know is merely transitory.

DustBowlBlues December 10, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Newt talks like an asshole bec. he is an asshole. But he talks tough, sneers and goes so fast the morans who vote for him don't understand WTF he is talking about.

Which is why the Teabaggers all love him.

SudsMcKenzie December 10, 2011 at 9:27 pm

I hate to see people gang up on "Historians".

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 9:32 pm

After the capitalists, historians are the first against the wall.

HistoriCat December 11, 2011 at 3:24 pm

But what about the lawyers? Won't someone think about the lawyers!?

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Newt is Newtish. I think Ron Paul did get a few good hits.

Blueb4sunrise December 10, 2011 at 9:28 pm

[Still no sound], but will say that Newt should smile more because it is an absolutely horrific grimace he comes up with.

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Oh god, 'NewtRomney'?

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:35 pm

The worst entree I've ever had.

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Frankly, I preferred the Old Tromney.

Nostrildamus December 10, 2011 at 9:48 pm

It's neuter Romney.

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Wow. Newt lies, lies, lies.

SudsMcKenzie December 10, 2011 at 9:32 pm

How can we get our Rick Perry gaffe if he cant speak? He will have to tip over the podium in the second hour.

DustBowlBlues December 10, 2011 at 9:34 pm

In the rare moment someone says something marginally substantive, they are wrong about what they say. They are shit.

But isn't it cute the way Michele and Rick have bonded in their underdawg status.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Michele has been in the private sector 50 or her 55 years? Yeah, sounds about right coming from her.

SudsMcKenzie December 10, 2011 at 9:44 pm

She was Newts janitor when she was 5.

Jukesgrrl December 12, 2011 at 12:08 am

And she designed Trump's hair "style."

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Oh good, Newt's going to give us history lessons.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 9:37 pm

$10,000 bet? How fucking out of touch is this guy in this economy? l-o-fuckin'-l!

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:39 pm

I did love that. Did he know at the moment he said it it was a mistake? No, my friend, he did not.

Nice reminder that they can both pay a $10,000 bet.

DustBowlBlues December 10, 2011 at 9:38 pm

Is it time to give a shout our to whatever sponsored this sucker for making this a free-for-all? This one is pretty entertaining, plus giving Santorum no time to say shit about the others might make his daughter cry again. So we can laugh at her for a few more years.

V572 the Merciless December 10, 2011 at 9:39 pm

I miss Herman's unique brand of bumper-sticker crazeh. These people are the city council in Dullsville.

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Husband did not want to watch without the clown car bamboozlement.

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:41 pm

I DID NOT REALIZE that it was Santorum, not Clinton, who was in charge in the 90's. Same thing with Newtie. Did not know.

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:41 pm

"Nancy Pelosi was not interested in my pro-growth plans."

No shit, Shel.

Nostrildamus December 10, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Immortal line from Frothy in tonight's debate "I believe in bottom up".

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Holy shit, I missed that. Santorum froth rises to the top!

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Dianne Sawyer is so very flustered, tonight. It's like if Anna Nichole Smith happened to moderate a GP debate.

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:52 pm

And she wants the love of the audience just as badly.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 9:54 pm

It really is sad.

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 11:23 pm

It reminds me of Jan Hooks' impersonation of her, gushing all over Dana Carvey as Poppy Bush on that old SNL presidential debate episode. I think Jon Lovitz played Michael Dukakis.

Negropolis December 11, 2011 at 3:48 am

She was really off her game, tonight, and from the very beginning not being able to put together the word "distinguish" the half-dozen times she said it. I thought she'd just give it up, but like a trooper, she kept at it. But, yeah, apart from that, she was really trying to stay in their good company, which is the very last thing you want a moderator to do. It wasn't at all like when John Harwood, like a dog with a bone, kept digging for Perry's answer in that one debate. George Snuffaluffagus wasn't also very lacking, too. Between the two of them I don't think they called them on their bullshit, directly, even once.

BTW, I really like Diane, but she got off on the wrong foot and never seemed to recover. It was just awkward all the way through.

Veritas78 December 11, 2011 at 6:39 pm

I don't like Diane. She got her start by blowing Richard Nixon (not kidding here) and it's been downhill ever since. Next time you see her, imagine Nixon's jizz dribbling down her chin, and that should end any lingering sympathy.

Plus, she's not that bright.

Negropolis December 11, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Well, she has this wickedly effective "concerned look", which comes in handy when trying to pry information out of people. The only problem is that she's never been able to consistently use that power for any good or in conjunction with her actual job. If I had that kind of skill, I'd be manipulating the fuck out of it, let me tell you.

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 9:45 pm

Ha, Mittwit is looking at Perry with the most smarmy patrician sneer you'll ever see outside of the fucking English royals. The look says, "Keep trying to form words, you simian wannabe, you're just a dead moron walking."

Which, of course, is accurate. But still, that look. If I was anyone else on the stage I'd just run 30-second commercials of that loathsome arrogant sniggering puss on an endless loop.

Blueb4sunrise December 10, 2011 at 9:45 pm

Dern turned on the sound and they went to commercial.
Diane a little peeved there.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 9:48 pm

I've noticed that unlike Romney's lying ass, Newt is not at all convincing when trying to defend himself.

Dok-cupy Everything December 10, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Family values! Obama's War on religion!!!!

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 10:01 pm

I want schoolchildren to be able to celebrate Christmas openly again.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Oooo! Another Texass folkism!

Rick, you've had so many rentboys you are the very last one that should be talking about the sanctity of marriage.

Honestly, are they really going to go here?

V572 the Merciless December 10, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Rick! Rick! Cheat on wife = cheat on anybody. Awesome. Hope Newtie's got a zinger for that!

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:50 pm

I love the new attacks on Newt and fidelity! Yes, bloated stay-puf marshmallow, everyone is talking about you.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 9:52 pm

And here Ron Paul is the voice of reason, again. How sad.

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 11:31 pm

He's like the crazy old kinda lovable uncle at the holiday dinner table, and you feel sorry for him having to sit between your asshole racist loudmouth brother-in-law and your crazy-eyed evangelical twit of a sister.

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Ha ha. HA HA HA. Six people on stage. One fucking philanderer.

A viewer asks, "Should marital infidelity be an issue?"

V572 the Merciless December 10, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Ron's so sweet…"Sometimes I vote by myself!"

Is that what they're calling it these days? "I'm going back to my room at the Hampton Inn to vote by myself, if there's anything good on Cinemax."

Blueb4sunrise December 10, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Marriage Vows FTW!!!

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:53 pm

I'm noting that Mitt, for the first time, is talking about "the middle class." First in a repub debate.

Nostrildamus December 10, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Those that make between 1 and 2 mil per year.

DustBowlBlues December 10, 2011 at 9:58 pm

I noticed the new, Populist Mitt as well. No one ever accused him of sticking to any position stubbornly.

Blueb4sunrise December 10, 2011 at 9:53 pm

What the fuck was that sitting next to Ann Romney?

Blueb4sunrise December 10, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Measure the Man One-L !!!!!!!!!!

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Marcus does.

SudsMcKenzie December 10, 2011 at 9:56 pm

I'm bored, someone ask Rick to list something.

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 9:56 pm

"I've cheated on my wife, but I'm also a grandfather." WTF? If Chelsea has a kid, Bill's ok?

V572 the Merciless December 10, 2011 at 9:56 pm

What's the point of asking them about immigration again? They've all demogogued the shit out of it already.

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 10:00 pm

What's the point about asking them anything? And yet, they continue to spout out lies and flub questions.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 9:56 pm

OMG. Dianne's liberal side is coming out. She called them "undocumented people". Not "illegals" or "illegal aliens", but people. They are people, y'all!

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 10:01 pm

Maybe they incorporated.

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Maybe they're We. Oops, wrong party, my bad.

Negropolis December 11, 2011 at 3:42 am

Maybe, they're Xe. Oops; definitely the wrong party.

NYNYNYjr December 12, 2011 at 12:25 am

Think of them as american corporations that just haven't got their papers of incorporation yet.

DustBowlBlues December 10, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Diane Sawyer is okay. BTW–Did Newt just admit it's obvious he's loyal to blondie because he's too old for any young chickie to be interested in him?

Nostrildamus December 10, 2011 at 10:11 pm

That plus mentioning he had grandkids to pick from now.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Newt's pissy side is coming out…

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 11:34 pm

Newt has a non-pissy side?

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Dick Perry is freezing up, again. Someone get the replacement battery.

Blueb4sunrise December 10, 2011 at 10:03 pm

Spit it out there Goodhair.

[I swear I saw Romney's face kinda pulse like the reptile was about to burst through]

SudsMcKenzie December 10, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Yaay, the "Ottoman Empire" makes another return.

Dok-cupy Everything December 10, 2011 at 10:17 pm

I will never forgive them for their heinous attacks on Dick Van Dyke

SudsMcKenzie December 10, 2011 at 10:23 pm

Outstanding!11

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Van Dyke doesn't sound very Armenian to me.

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Rick Perry is NOT DOWN with the "catch and release" of people. Is this Wild Kingdom?

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 10:22 pm

Marlin Perkins/Jim "The Guy Who Has To Wrestle Water Bison To Tag Them While Marlin Checks The Buttons On His Immaculate Safari Vest" Fowler 2012!

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Feed just up and died on me.

Maybe there is something to this whole "prayer" fad after all.

Jukesgrrl December 12, 2011 at 12:12 am

Just ask Tebow. Jesus won him another ballgame!

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 10:04 pm

"How would he know?"

Is he trying to get us killed? And, like trained seals, the audience claps and howls. And, again, loudest cheer of the night.

Blueb4sunrise December 10, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Did Newt say:
"No difference between frittata and Hamas."
?

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 11:36 pm

He meant frittata and "hummus."

mayor_quimby December 11, 2011 at 5:31 am

Mmmm, brunch….. Insomnia may interfere, but I got plans to fuck some brunch up today. are you familiar with the refreshing Pimms Cup cocktail? Goes well with any meal when done right.

Blueb4sunrise December 10, 2011 at 10:10 pm

Mormon right of return to planet Kolob!!!!

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 10:11 pm

Hey! I've been busy burning Christmas cookies. Did I miss anything?

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 10:12 pm

If you have cookies, you've come out ahead.

SudsMcKenzie December 10, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Santorum admitted there is no god, Rick professed his "special" love for Marcus, Mitt said he's actually a serial killer, Newt admitted his wife is actually a blow up doll, Ron said he was targeting the Fed reserve from space, and Michele adopted the entire audience.

At least thats what I saw. How are the cookies?

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 10:22 pm

What you've got is better than cookies.

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Cool! Thanks for the recap.

I've got a new oven and well, let's just say we're going through an adjustment period. The meringues did ok, the wedding cookies actually are fine, the macaroons got too brown on the bottom and refused to turn golden brown on top like they're supposed to. Overall, about half are edible.

Jukesgrrl December 12, 2011 at 12:13 am

Are we invited?

MzNicky December 12, 2011 at 9:55 am

I'd love to share my cookies with all you fabulous Wonkette people. Maybe the next batch will come out better, then y'all can come on over.

DustBowlBlues December 10, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Me, too. I'm making pineapple upside down cake (from scratch, btw) and have a marinated veggie salad (called Xmas Salad in one of my okie ext. svc. cookbooks) for the UM Church potluck/kid's Xmas event tomorrow.

Which means I'm closer to God than any of those clowns on the stage.

mayor_quimby December 11, 2011 at 5:11 am

I'm pretty sure the last supper was potluck, so, he'll yeah you are.

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Michele's wanting textbooks? So she can tear pages out of them?

Biff December 10, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Over an hour before the first reagan reference, a new debate record.

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 10:30 pm

The local debate committee is waiting outside the studio for the summary execution of the candidates.

It's only right, after all.

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Amen, Jesus-v-G.

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Oh fucking shut your pie hole about Libya, Rick Perruh, you dickwad. Oh suck Newt's dick why don't you while you're at it. Good god.

Blueb4sunrise December 10, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Perry : Obama time-machine at work again.

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 10:15 pm

The fuck is wrong with this country that all these Teatards really believe that Obama has done any of the shit thse yahoos say. Thanks journalists for not bothering to correct ANYTHING these cowards say.

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Half-time analysis. Time to go fix another Cosmo.

V572 the Merciless December 10, 2011 at 10:37 pm

I hate these "color" commentators, and not because some of them are colored. This is worse than the bloviation of the candidates themselves, if that's even possible. Keep expect to hear them say "Well, Clint, they're in a double-rotation zone, and you know the free safety's got extra responsibility in that setup."

Dok-cupy Everything December 10, 2011 at 10:16 pm

Obama is the worst drone pilot ever. That's why there's trouble in the middle east

Blueb4sunrise December 10, 2011 at 10:20 pm

Mescaline break.

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 10:26 pm

I could not possibly sit through these smarm-fests without the Wonkette.

Dok-cupy Everything December 10, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Michele was born in a wagon of a travellin' show. Her
momma used to dance for the money they'd throw….

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Wow. Was that Mr. Michele Bachmann they just flashed onto the screen?

Biff December 10, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Marcus is glowing tonight.

SudsMcKenzie December 10, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Marcus looks like a proud "father" on Toddlers and Tiaras.

Nothingisamiss December 10, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Nailed it.

Negropolis December 11, 2011 at 3:43 am

That fucker was beaming. He was practically glowing. I guess all of those facials really do the trick.

mayor_quimby December 11, 2011 at 5:12 am

Ewwwww

Jukesgrrl December 12, 2011 at 12:17 am

The one who goes home and later tries on the tiaras.

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Humble beginnings all, except Mittens, who bravely admits he's always been a rich boy. The rest of 'em sound like Monty Python's 4 Yorkshire men.

Blueb4sunrise December 10, 2011 at 10:31 pm

The feed is freezing…..yet somehow it makes Romney seem less robotic.

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Like I said, the feed died on my end. Thus I can safely know the debate signified nothing without needing to hear any of the sound or the fury.

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Are you getting a live stream on your computer? I'm getting it on rawstory.com.

V572 the Merciless December 10, 2011 at 10:38 pm
user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 10:43 pm

You're giving me a way to watch this? Christ, you are merciless.

V572 the Merciless December 10, 2011 at 10:48 pm

You’ll watch it and you’ll like it!

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 10:54 pm
RadioYKWE December 11, 2011 at 3:30 am

Faulkner You!

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 10:33 pm

Did they smear Vaseline on the lens of the camera that's trained on Diane Sawyer?

V572 the Merciless December 10, 2011 at 10:41 pm

She's lovely but not all that dewy-young-fresh anymore, if you know what I mean.

SudsMcKenzie December 10, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Its the "Barbara Walters" filter.

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 10:34 pm

People are sick of Washington DC, sez Ricky Perruh, so please send me there.

V572 the Merciless December 10, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Self-trepanation! That'll relieve the pressure! You don't hear about that home remedy much anymore.

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 10:40 pm

A wooden spoon? Geez, don't they have Williams Sonoma outlets where you live? They have a whole line of Auto-Trepanationware. It's worth it to spend a few extra bucks for the Rick Perry Professional Series. You can't argue with the results, right?

Dok-cupy Everything December 10, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Santorum: When I won my first term in the Senate, even the RNC didn't know my name. And just think, now, if you want to know who I am, you only need to Google it…

Blueb4sunrise December 10, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Perry claims that he read a book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barrelhse December 10, 2011 at 10:45 pm

As usual, the Guardian UK has hilarious commentary on the debate as they live-blog. http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/dec/11/gop-p

DustBowlBlues December 10, 2011 at 10:51 pm

What are we, chopped liver? Slimy okra? Smartest group of pundits right here on "our" wonket.

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Top of the world, ma!

Dok-cupy Everything December 10, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Heh:

Headline of the night from the Los Angeles Times: "Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich spar over moon mining, child labor"

Negropolis December 11, 2011 at 4:04 am

My favorites lines:

Romney says: "I think the Speaker [Gingrich] made a mistake saying the Palestinans were an invented people." Gingrich violently shakes his head. Some chins wobble.

And, this one:

"I was at a pharmacy here in Iowa – I have a cough," confides Diane Sawyer. So that's how she does research.

Dok-cupy Everything December 10, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Newt likes the consistency of Santorum

BarackMyWorld December 10, 2011 at 11:09 pm

ISWYDT

Nostrildamus December 10, 2011 at 11:18 pm

That is truly horrible.

Bravo.

RadioYKWE December 11, 2011 at 3:28 am

With two toilets, I guess he would know.

Dashboard Buddha December 11, 2011 at 8:42 am

…in bed (sorry – fortune cookie malfunction)

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Jeezus what is this, Newtie's rehab tour? He's trying to be nice. I think his face is cracking open.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Shorter Ron Paul: Can't we all just get along?

Non-violence, eh? That just lost you the presidency. Well, and being Ron Paul in a party with the attention span of a fruit fly.

Michele is really wrangling to hitch the broken Cain Train to her own crazy express, huh?

MzNicky December 10, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Is that why she dragged poor ol' Hermie Cain back into this thing? To try to get all 12 of his former supporters? I wondered.

user-of-owls December 10, 2011 at 10:49 pm

Michele wants to reduce things to a level simple enough that people like her can understand. I mean, the people doing research at the nano level have made great strides, but come on, there are limits you know.

Dok-cupy Everything December 10, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Noot Romney chootzpah!

SudsMcKenzie December 10, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Thank you all for making this night, like many days, tolerable.

off to Skyrim

BarackMyWorld December 10, 2011 at 11:05 pm

And not a single fuck was given that day.

mayor_quimby December 11, 2011 at 5:32 am

I found one! oh wait, that's a shit. Never mind

Negropolis December 11, 2011 at 3:44 am

Nostrildamus/Charred Remains 2012!

gurukalehuru December 11, 2011 at 5:21 am

Newtie Toot doesn't get to be the "definer of civilization." That honor belongs to the ancient Greek philosopher Civilitas, cca. 4200 B.C.

gurukalehuru December 11, 2011 at 5:41 am

Ol' Bullshit Mitt, the Taxachusetts dogdriver, is getting a lot of stick about his $10,000 bet. What was he supposed to bet? One dollar?

DahBoner December 11, 2011 at 7:22 am

Palestenians are just Jews, with nothing left to lose…

voodooeconomics December 11, 2011 at 9:11 am

Rejoice in the land of the Free and the Brave for the GOP is about to select a rotund hypocrite, womanizer idiot as a presidential Candidate. He also brings his private Robot, Calissa , as a prop.
Memo to Obama: If you lose to Gingrich, perhaps you should move to an igloo in Alaska's tundra to help you think it over.
Various Planets and Stars have lined up to help you out and the whole Universe has gone thru a lot of motion to hand you a Candidate like Gingrich.
The Guru says: Do not fuck it up, Kennya man

not that Dewey December 11, 2011 at 10:01 am

Thoughtful Newsbusters commenter DaMav has these thoughts about GOP debates:

Where are the conservative moderators? How about Bozell, Wayne LaPierre, Malkin, Coulter, O'Reilly, or some of the dozens of top notch center-right bloggers as moderators?

I understand his outrage. Why won't the Heritage Foundation and AEI sponsor a debate? Why won't CNN partner with the Tea party to hold a debate? Why won't FOX News stage four different debates? Obviously LIBs and the SOROS-BACKED LSM don't want you to hear what REAL CONSERVATIVES have to say.

And seeing some nice, moderate center-right bloggers like Wayne LaPierre or the Spitting Man would really round out the season.

weejee December 11, 2011 at 10:07 am

Or Skoal Rebel?

not that Dewey December 11, 2011 at 10:13 am

Larry the Cable Guy, Skoal Rebel, Pastor Terry Jones, and the Hutaree Militia present A Real Conservative GOP Debate, Without All That Liberal Meddling

user-of-owls December 11, 2011 at 1:16 pm

And I wonder some times why I simply cannot convey what "ideological spectrum" means to my students. Foolish man.

not that Dewey December 11, 2011 at 1:31 pm

The spectrum runs from reddish-orange on the one extreme, to near-infrared on the other, and spans all the colors in between.

Biff December 11, 2011 at 11:29 am

The feed I saw had one of Beck's honchos from theblaze.com, among other commentators.
I think they should have referees, complete with striped shirts and whistles, and instant replays.

not that Dewey December 11, 2011 at 3:18 pm

I picture something like this

Complete with "Kicking the Beggar"

ShaveTheWhales December 11, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Wayne LaFucking Pierre's voice is pitched so high, the candidates would need hearing-ear dogs (there's no possibility of thinking-brain dogs for them).

flamingpdog December 12, 2011 at 1:10 am

But, but , they're so adept themselves at dog whistle politics.

weejee December 11, 2011 at 10:19 am

Saturday Phizzics for Phun – Part 2, must be Sunday now, oh well

Sorry to have missed the live blogging last night as the postings are quite lovely. So as penance here's Part 2 of Phizzics for Phun. For ease of recall the chart of the soaring and sagging of last night's debasers' poll standings is here while the wondrous free body diagram is hiding over here.

Yesterday we looked at popularity trajectories of Mittens, Batshit Bachmann, and Rick Perry. Today lest look at the rest:

Hermie Pizzaman Cain: This former chief dough tosser at Godfather's should know about ballistics since the US Navy paid him to know about it. Clearly, Hermie's rise and abrupt fall shows that is not the case. In an effort to catchup with Perry, Hermie overreached when setting his angle of reach (that is the angle of the blue arrow in the free body diagram) too steep. Cain, given his Navy background, shoulda known that one of the first things they teach you in artillery skool is not to point your cannon straight up and then fire since what goes up, must come down. with Cain's trajectory having too much initial up, it now has come crashing down.

Newtie the Dancing Unbearable: If you compare Newt's trajectory with Cain's you can see that Neuter's angle of reach is even steeper than Pizzaman's. Hey, hey you say! How can it be that Newt has shot way beyond where Perry & Cain soared (well getting to about 25 points isn't exactly soaring, but allow some license here)?

Good question. The three arrows in the free body diagram are actual vectors, which means that the arrow points which way, and the size of the arrow reflects by how much. So even if Newt's blue V arrow is steeper than Cain's, he can soar higher than Hermie did if he has greater velocity and thus a bigger arrow. Well when if comes to bombastic blather Newt is second to none, and this has provided his vaulting to the stratosphere of 37%. Again, this may not be the stratosphere but cut some slack.

Newt Trajectory Part II: Where will this lead? Using my official Ron Paul adding machine and copious pencil ciphering of Newt's trajectory, I project there is going to be a massive crater formed in Iowa on January 3, 2012. This will be something on the order of the asteroid encounter the dinosaurs found so distasteful. The reason is the quiet, but steady, green mg arrow/vector. The g in mg stands for gravity, and is a constant. In terms of mass, physical or bullshit, Newt is orders of magnitude greater than his candidatual peers, and there are limits, even in Teatarded circles, to how much political velocity you can generate from humbug and hubris. At the risk of being redundant, recall that what goes up, must come down. Those of you Iowan Wonketteers, on caucus night please keep looking up for an incoming Newtcicle.

Ron Paul: With an Iowa win in his pocket, Ron Paul boards one of his blimps to float over to New Hampshire. With Newt's New Hampshire polling numbers now being the statistical equivalent of -5%, Ron Paul pulls a super surprise win in what for Mittens becomes the Granite Headstone State, while Huntsman who never showed any trajectory gives his sine die.

♪♫ And then? And then? And then along came Jones♫♪: Although there is no Jones running, we have seen a lot of Jonesin'. We now face a serious dilemma in continuing to use the physics of ballistics to cipher what comes next as we follow the Rethug Primary polls. This is because blimps do not follow ballistic trajectories. Perhaps from this frothy mix, a new fecal factotum will rise that will require a different form of physical analysis?

DustBowlBlues December 11, 2011 at 8:14 pm

Brilliant analysis, but on that last paragraph–ick. Glad that Santorum has no hope. Then again, with his record of winning, that would probably be a good time.

Rah, rah, rah, foamy fecal matter. Go! Go! Go! And if he were the Republic nominee, we could all enjoy his daughter in full crying mode. I hope he rises to the top of the heap and that child still fits into that absurdly ugly brown, Peter Pan collared jumper they had her dressed in. As if the child doesn't need all the help she can get.

ShaveTheWhales December 11, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Um, weej, you got too much time on your hands these days? I mean, I like it (e.g., "Granite Headstone State"), but it's almost like you're not taking seriously the very serious horse-race analysis of the very serious analists.

ChernobylSoup December 11, 2011 at 10:50 am

I just saw the following retweet from Dahlia Lithwick, who knows better and must be contractually obligated by Slate to pretend Davis Weigel is something other than a colossal idiot.

Here's a quote from Weigel's article:

"'Palestinian did not become a common term until after 1977.' That's the sort of knowledge-bomb that Republicans dream of dropping on Obama—they feel like this is right, but here's a candidate [Newt] who can say so.

Here's the tweet:

@daveweigel nails it l slate.com/blogs/weigel/2…
Retweeted by Dahlia Lithwick

Dashboard Buddha December 11, 2011 at 11:16 am

What the ever loving fuck does "common term" have to do with it. It's been Palestine since forever.

ChernobylSoup December 11, 2011 at 11:55 am

I realize going after Slate is akin to booing at the Special Olympics, but goodness gracious. Referring to anything Newt says as "…the sort of knowledge-bomb that Republicans dream of dropping on Obama" is too much, even for Slate.

user-of-owls December 11, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Maybe it's just an alternative usage of the word "knowledge" with which we are unaware. You know, one that means "rippling fat blob." If you replace the former with the latter, that sentence makes much more sense.

Carrabuda December 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Oh, but then Newt will cavil over how common is common *enough*.

RadioYKWE December 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

You have to forgive Weigel, he doesn't have Palin to bootlick anymore. And, why the fuck is he still on our blogroll? Ken must have a soft spot for him.

imissopus December 11, 2011 at 2:58 pm

The way I read this tweet, Weigel is quoting Newt and saying Republicans believe him when he says this kind of stuff and also think he has the credibility to sell such crap to a wider audience. Weigel is not saying it's actually correct and is using "knowledge-bomb" sarcastically. Like if Newt dropped that in a debate with Obama, the Repubs think it would just blow the prez's mind and he couldn't answer without a telemprompter, etc.

Smithboy December 11, 2011 at 11:18 am

A vote for Newt is a vote for four more years of war. Four more years of borrowing money from China to finance bogus, unnecesary wars. Let Bill Kristol and Jonah Goldberg and Newtie fight in the next war pushed by the Israeli lobby.

DustBowlBlues December 11, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Shhhh . . . that kind of talk can get you labeled anti-Semetic. The Israel lobby at work in this country is probably far more radical than the average Israeli, pissed that the government pisses away so much money bolstering the illegal settlements.

proudgrampa December 11, 2011 at 12:54 pm

I, for one, am glad that I missed the whole debate thing

Frankly, it just seems to me that the average American is going to get very tired of the whole process. By the time November rolls around, I predict that we will see the lowest voter turnout in history. That's bad news.

Time for me to mention that we are freakin' doomed…

user-of-owls December 11, 2011 at 1:11 pm

ABC is now calling the race and predicts that President Obama will be re-elected by a landslide with 17 of the 26 votes cast. George, I think we can safely call this a mandate going into his second term.

flamingpdog December 11, 2011 at 9:01 pm

Sorry, but that doesn't beat the lowest vote total of all time. Dubya beat Al Gore 5-4 in 2000. And with 55.55etc % of the vote, it actually qualified as a landslide for Dubya.

ShaveTheWhales December 11, 2011 at 10:47 pm

Your Supreme Electoral College at work.

Nothingisamiss December 11, 2011 at 9:13 pm

Down here in the south, proudgrampa, I'm sorry to say turnout will be high. Every freaking one of the people I work with is very excited to vote out the Kenyan Muslin. Like, this is a thing that's discussed nearly daily. All y'all in blue states better be prepared to get yer hiney out there and vote.

user-of-owls December 11, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Let's see, we're at 564 posts by my count. I think we could break 1000 if:

a) the NFL, in a rare but controversial move, only broadcasts an Indianapolis inter-squad scrimmage today.;
b) the GOP schedules an 'emergency debate' right around Happy Hour;
c) Two words: Ban Hammer;
d) someone puts up a, "You know who else…" post that's entirely new and original.

Ok, I guess maybe we just shoot for 600 then.

RadioYKWE December 11, 2011 at 1:24 pm

e) We could revisit the Hookworm Conjecture as it relates to the whole Republican party;
f) Get one of those long lost (interestingly) poopyhead trolls in here.

weejee December 11, 2011 at 1:36 pm

g) Perry & Marcus come out of the closet and say they are moving to Brokeback Mountain.

RadioYKWE December 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

h) Palin announces even she can't stand the sheer stupidity of the retard race anymore and announces she is back in.

Spurning Beer December 11, 2011 at 4:30 pm

i) Comedy Central airs a Friars Club roast of Herman Caine.

j) Incorporation papers are unearthed for Rick Perry's family trust, "Niggerhead Enterprises."

(Oops, I guess I should have made those two separate comments to boost our total.)

RadioYKWE December 11, 2011 at 5:54 pm

k) The War on Christmas is finally won and we don't have to spend our Sunday decorating.

user-of-owls December 11, 2011 at 9:17 pm

If we don't have to decorate, What Is To Be Done?

not that Dewey December 11, 2011 at 1:34 pm

*cough* Newt#Characteristics *cough*

user-of-owls December 11, 2011 at 9:16 pm

It is time.

Blueb4sunrise December 11, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Ya know who else envisioned a 1000 Comment Reich?

Spurning Beer December 11, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Verwender von Owls?

Nothingisamiss December 11, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Ceaser of Hoot?

RadioYKWE December 11, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Hitler's Optometrist?

flamingpdog December 12, 2011 at 1:28 am

Robert Reich?

Bluestatelibel December 11, 2011 at 2:49 pm

I myself alone could probably write 600 comments about what a cheapskate Mitt Romney is: http://www.sacbee.com/2011/12/11/4114821/frugal-s

And why am I not surprised? Cheap greedy bastard is cheap greedy bastard.

mayor_quimby December 11, 2011 at 10:34 pm

(variable) The real housewives of Atlanta are all missing in a fiery plane crash that lands on CNN's Heroes awards, where Anderson Cooper was being ambush interviewed by BillO's dorks.
The ensuing fire destroys the staples center, killing the lakers, clippers, david stern, but Octomom is pulled from the fire by Magic Johnson, who then says 'just kidding about the whole HIV thang'.
Booyah!!! Peabody!!

Negropolis December 12, 2011 at 6:30 am

NeNe Leakes Libel!

ShaveTheWhales December 11, 2011 at 10:49 pm

You know who else presented an extendible list of ways to get the comment count up over a thousand?

flamingpdog December 12, 2011 at 1:33 am

642 comments now. I could get it up to 1000 easily just be spending the next couple of hours typing "in bed" after a little over half the comments.

Geminisunmars December 12, 2011 at 1:39 am

All the wonketteers could become Bronco fans and discuss how once again g-d's favorite has won the game by tieing the score within the last two minutes and then winning with a field goal in OT. That would have brought the comment score up to 1000 within 20 minutes. But alas, …

rocktonsam December 11, 2011 at 2:49 pm

didn't see it either.
did Perry write the answers on his hands this time?

flamingpdog December 12, 2011 at 1:37 am

He did, but the ink got all smeared when he made Marcus glow out in the audience.

ThundercatHo December 11, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I'll bet 10,000 quatloos that Michele gives Newton a blowjob to make her VP. Marcus volunteers to do either Ricky and if Romney gives it to her she becomes his 2nd wife.

Mojopo December 11, 2011 at 4:51 pm

I had to not watch it. It was amazing how easy it was to not watch another GOP debate. I bet I could not watch at least 20 more of these.

Chet Kincaid December 11, 2011 at 7:25 pm

OT: GODDAMN YOU TEBOW/MARION BARBER!!

SudsMcKenzie December 11, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Jeebus>Bears

… sorry, that was mean.

flamingpdog December 11, 2011 at 8:47 pm

I was in the checkout line at Costco when I heard a huge roar come out of the employees break room and I knew teh Buncos had pulled another one outta their collective asses.
It's OK, my Deadskins won two Sooper Bowls, including one against the Buncos, with flash-in-the-pan QBs that washed out of the league within a year or two of the championships. As soon as the league figures out Tebow, he'll be off to the CFL.

RadioYKWE December 11, 2011 at 10:14 pm

The CFL? The Christian Football League?

Geminisunmars December 12, 2011 at 1:57 am

I went grocery shopping too, during the Bronco game – it's the best time in this town to go shopping. Although I was home in time to watch the last 30 minutes. I'm about ready to claim Jebus as my savior after these last few weeks. And I don't even like feetballs.

BarackMyWorld December 11, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Tebow thanked Jesus in the post game interview. I guess the Bears are entirely made up of Muslims.

Geminisunmars December 12, 2011 at 1:58 am

Clearly they are "not right with g-d."

Negropolis December 12, 2011 at 6:36 am

Well, Chicago is the old stomping grounds of Elijah Muhammad and the powerbase of the Indo-Kenyan Muslin Usurper Black, is it not? Hengh? Didn't you read the Beckian chalkboards?

ShaveTheWhales December 11, 2011 at 10:56 pm

My community chorus had a performance this afternoon, so I didn't observe this in real time, but holy shit. And Tebow kicked a 59-yarder for the tie. Just amazing.

Geminisunmars December 12, 2011 at 1:59 am

I think you mean Prater kicked.

BarackMyWorld December 12, 2011 at 3:25 am

According to the announcers after the game, Tebow did everything single-handedly. He slammed a revolving door, bowls overhand, and cured cancer.

Because needing to kick two field goals from the wrong side of the 50 yard line in order to win is the sign of a great offense.

Geminisunmars December 12, 2011 at 3:37 am

Oh….never mind.

ShaveTheWhales December 12, 2011 at 4:08 am

No, it was a (n obviously unsuccessful) joke.

Geminisunmars December 12, 2011 at 11:47 am

Clearly my sense of humor is off in the middle of the night. Sorry I didn't get it.

imissopus December 12, 2011 at 2:09 am

God broke Jay Cutler's thumb, you know.

ShaveTheWhales December 12, 2011 at 4:12 am

Despite being a Packer fan, I can't help but feel sorry for Jay Cutler. God really does appear to have it in for him. Well, except for the multi-million-dollar-a-year thing.

Negropolis December 12, 2011 at 6:39 am

I will feel sorry for no man who cozies up to one of the hangers-on from MTV's The Hills, or any MTV or reality program, in general, for that matter. That's right; I'm talking about you, Tony Romo, Reggie Bush, Lamar Odom, etc. You'll never be able to live that down. If y'all see a Kardashain, run the other way. For the love of god, run.

imissopus December 12, 2011 at 12:53 pm

And the "goes home every night to his hot hot 24-year-old fiance" thing, the poor bastard.

DustBowlBlues December 11, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Anyone watching Hopey at this moment?

flamingpdog December 11, 2011 at 9:08 pm

No.

Negropolis December 11, 2011 at 10:47 pm

I saw a part of it, but all it was like was the teacher from Charlie Brown. Just 'cause I'm going to vote for him doesn't mean that I think he has much valuable left to say. He doesn't have the House, anymore, and for all intents and purposes, he doesn't have the Senate, either, so anything he has to say he might as well be saying into the wind.

We're back to arguing over the extenion of the payroll tax cut and unemployment benefits, again. Not only are we not "winning the future" we can't even win historial arguments, anymore, with the GOP revisionist history. In a few short decades we've gone from landing on the moon to debating with Republicans whether poor people will be able to eat during the week. It's not much the president's fault, at all, but it also means he really can't say anything that's going to excite anyone.

Rotundo_ December 11, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Newt declaring the Palestinians non-existent, Lindsay Graham declaring the consumer advocacy agency in the works something out of Stalinist Russia. They really have sunk to the level of throwing shit against a wall to see what sticks, almost literally. Even the hardcore types have to be wondering at this point what the hell is wrong with the GOP. Lord knows the rest of us have been for 40 to 50 years.

flamingpdog December 11, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Jeebus, peoplez actually watched the latest debate w/o a live blog??? BWA HA HA, at least now I know who the truly self-loathing Wonketeers are!

RadioYKWE December 11, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Maybe we can just never get enough Santorum.

Nothingisamiss December 11, 2011 at 8:59 pm

You watch the debate with the Wonkette, non live blog you have, not the Wonkette live blog you want to have.

user-of-owls December 11, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Once, we drove the poopyheads from our midst. Once, we rose against the Wolf Who Must Not Be Named until she was Ban Hammered into the gaping maw of Hell. Once, we laid waste to the PUMAs pathetic dream of validation and left them wallowing in their bitter tears. Once, we were a War Blog. Comrades, we can be one again:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newt#Characteristics

Citizen Dewey deserves honor for discovering this soft underbelly of the enemy and has thus been awarded the Order of Newell Medal for his meritorious work.

not that Dewey December 11, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Quick! Go now!

I'll get a screenshot, just in case.

Negropolis December 12, 2011 at 12:06 am

We must fight them over there, so that we don't have to fight them over here. To the bulwarks and load the snark cannons!

flamingpdog December 12, 2011 at 12:53 am
imissopus December 12, 2011 at 2:52 am

Oh, that will not do. I made a few changes, let us see if Wikipedia notices.

not that Dewey December 12, 2011 at 8:51 am

Damn — I didn't get to see yours before it was reverted. Here's mine, now reverted:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/71912633@N02/6497298

It was my first act of wiki-vandalism, so I was a bit timid.

user-of-owls December 12, 2011 at 10:23 am

Who ever said penguins were harmless (from the edits):

Additionally, some newts are known for their rotund bellies, silver hair that looks as if it was styled by a retarded monkey with a prison shiv, a marked resemblance to the Pillsbury Doughboy, and their enormous self-regard. Newts often exhibit traits of psychosis and megalomania as defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV).

aaannnddd:


The main breeding season for newts is between the months of June and July or any other time Congress is in session. After courtship rituals of varying complexity, which take place in ponds or slow moving streams or under the desk in their Congressional offices, the male newt transfers a [[spermatophore]] which is taken up by the female. Fertilized [[egg (biology)|eggs]] are laid singly and are usually attached to aquatic plants, after which the male newt will often reward his mate with a shopping spree at a high-end jewelry store, or by promising to worship some sort of invisible sky-man through whatever ridiculous rituals a bunch of old guys in beanies made up centuries before the Enlightenment made rationality a popular mode of thought.

imissopus December 12, 2011 at 12:54 pm

I almost feel bad for the Wikipedia folks who have to deal with the likes of us.

NYNYNYjr December 12, 2011 at 12:23 am

—arouser (possibly) of those who form civilization, i.e., blondes.

ShaveTheWhales December 12, 2011 at 4:14 am

-arouser (in his dreams)

BarackMyWorld December 12, 2011 at 3:27 am

More on the debate: http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/ar
Lying liars are lying.

Rest of the world also beginning to notice Newt is a dumbass: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/10/newt-gin

Smithboy December 12, 2011 at 7:39 am

He later apoligized and said he was thinking of the Klingons.

bravo_sierra December 12, 2011 at 2:35 pm

You know who else had a "chance to go many places?"
(I hear Oklahoma is lovely this time of year, but not, perhaps, as nice as the Blueridge Mountains)

Tundra Grifter December 12, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Poor Ole Newt – victim of the Six Stigma.

memzilla December 9, 2011 at 7:55 pm

As Gen. Phil Sheridan said: "If I owned Hell and Texas, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell."

Negropolis December 9, 2011 at 10:02 pm

To be fair, Ha'aretz criticizes every Israeli government and everything, in general. lol I love that paper. You wouldn't find any paper of that size that critical of the government here in America, that's for damned sure.

Spurning Beer December 9, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Well, bless your heart, Sugar.

BTWBFDIMHO December 10, 2011 at 12:24 am

Here, an Argentinean Malbec, second bottle, from Central Market.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 12:34 am

It's crazy how much the Israeli situation reminds me of the Irish situation.

Fukui_sanYesOta December 10, 2011 at 2:57 am

I've not head of the UDL.

The UVF were a bunch of fuckers, that much is true.

this (possibly incorrect) link is quite interesting.

As a Brit, I always found the US reaction to the IRA distasteful – often treating them as freedom fighters. Then again, that's secondary reporting via the UK media, and hence viewed through a lens which is probably incorrect.

Also as a Brit, I'm ashamed of our past in Ireland. However, I despise killing of innocent civilians in any form, so have always held the IRA as scum … along with the UVF.

RavenRant December 10, 2011 at 1:08 am

Wow. Everything looks so lifelike. Except the face.

Scottsdalian December 10, 2011 at 11:28 am

what a GREAT picture!!!

RavenRant December 10, 2011 at 1:19 am

In general, I don't think the Catholics were treated as badly as the Palestinians, unless you go back quite a long way.

But if you look at military overkill against a hostile but mostly unarmed population, lack of civil rights and due process, and the treatment of prisoners… Yeah.

Also, South African apartheid has some strong parallels, as well.

I think that the belief that past injustices, however horrific, give you a pass from having to act in a civilized humane manner is incredibly toxic and destructive. Israelis aren't the first or last group to feel that their victimhood washes everything else clean, but they are pushing that idea as far as it can go.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 1:25 am

Oh, I wasn't talking about the force applied (though, you go back some centuries, and the Irish were something just above level of a slave), but the general situation – save for the fact that the Irish were able to maintain or win back control of the vast majority of their homeland – is very similar. Speaking on this subject, it's why I've always been so disappointed with Liberia. I just loathe persecuted peoples who get their own country and the proceed to repeat the same mistakes over and over and over again for centuries. It cheapens their own history, while destroying other peoples' history, to boot.

RavenRant December 10, 2011 at 1:35 am

I'm only familiar with the broadest strokes about Liberia's story. But you wonder what odds were stacked against them. A lot of people had a vested interest in 'proving' that Africans couldn't be trusted to govern themselves.

But what really has me worried is the growing awareness that a peaceful, reasonably uncorrupted democracy is extremely exceptional, and ignorance, hysteria, and brutality are the norm in human history. And I am seeing trends in this country that scare me to death.

RavenRant December 10, 2011 at 1:42 am

Interesting side note: Once Ireland won its independence, it maintained an extremely low crime rate, and continues to do so,

Now that the Church's stranglehold on the country is finally beginning to slip, we'll see if it stays that way. I'm betting that it will. I think the Church has been far from benign, although may have had a pacifying effect.

Or maybe all the troublemakers were drawn away to Northern Ireland to stir shit up there.

RavenRant December 10, 2011 at 1:49 am

Not to be a bore, just interested in the points you bring up.

It took Ireland more than 700 years to win (part of) their country back. Let's hope the rest of the oppressed people of the world have a better timeline. Especially women, whose rights tend to be ground underfoot even as their 'brothers' are liberated.

Negropolis December 10, 2011 at 2:25 am

Liberia's history is a lot like artificially created, colonized countries of the past few hundred years. Anti-slavery Americans, both black and white, purchased some random land onthe west coast of Africa, and then proceeded to expand and subdue the actual natives of the land. It wasn't until 1904 that the American colonizers even began to include the native peoples in some part of society, and it was a one-party state (the party of the colonists) for just a bit over 100 years. People fresh out of slavery resorted to many of the same tactics of their former slave owners. They quite literally lorded over the land and created a hegemony that wasn't broken until very recently, and broken very violently given how much the favored had persecuted the native peoples. To this day, the American descendants are still a seperate and privileged ethnic group within Liberia.

Dashboard Buddha December 10, 2011 at 10:53 am

I hope you get tons of upfists for Christmas.

Scottsdalian December 10, 2011 at 11:25 am

buncha elitists here

Chichikovovich December 10, 2011 at 11:31 am

Not even the Wall Street Journal and the Washington Times?

BarackMyWorld December 10, 2011 at 7:00 pm
Dok-cupy Everything December 10, 2011 at 7:55 pm

The Austin Lounge Lizards have defended newts from Newt

BarackMyWorld December 10, 2011 at 7:09 pm

He also wants to move the U.S. embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.

RavenRant December 10, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Thanks for the info, depressing tho it is.

A slightly more upbeat bit of info on Liberia:
http://www.rescue.org/blog/nobel-peace-prize-laur

RavenRant December 10, 2011 at 7:55 pm

No argument here about either. I would say the media here were extremely negative toward the IRA, and completely mum on Protestant violence, including that inflicted by the British Army. However, in certain densely Irish areas that might have been different.

In my Irish family, there was no sympathy toward the IRA, but an understanding that the long history of the British in Ireland was despicable.

Apparently, in addition to the UDL and UVF, there is also a UDA, a LVF, the Red Hand Defenders, the Orange Volunteers and God knows how many others. Quite a little nest of paramilitary organizations.

When I referred to the UDL, I meant Protestant paramilitary violence generally, but I admit I didn't realize the variety of groups involved.

That link is amazing, the number of paramilitary groups. I wonder how they compare to street gangs in the US.

anniegetyerfun December 11, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Among Americans, an obsession with an Irish heritage is pretty common. People whose ancestors arrived from Ireland in the 1800s still seem to believe that they are 100% Irish-blooded Irish Irishmen. I knew many, many pro-IRA Americans growing up, people who played the bagpipes and adored Sinead O'Connor and celebrated minor holidays like St. Patrick's like it was fucking Christmas.

RavenRant December 10, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Could this be Callista's before picture?
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iVD8DeT1_fo/Tc1gz_enLLI

hunnybee December 10, 2011 at 10:08 pm

deliciously wicked. good one Barb.

Barb December 11, 2011 at 10:01 am

Thank you and good morning!

DemmeFatale December 11, 2011 at 4:42 pm

And scholars have shown that there is NO WAY that all the Irish
that immigrated to the US were Irish Catholics. Population figures show that a lot of the immigrants had to be Protestants.
The fakey US obsession with Irish heritage is baffling to many Irish and English (I lived in the UK for 10 years).
Too bad phony sentiment trumps REAL efforts, like my daughter's teacher who fought (and won), to have the Irish Potato Famine included in the NY State HS curriculum.

anniegetyerfun December 11, 2011 at 7:45 pm

I dated someone who was OBSESSED with the idea of being Irish (from South Boston, and clearly barely a speck of Irish in her), and I swear, it put me off of all things fake-Irish forever.

Jukesgrrl December 12, 2011 at 12:05 am

Does anybody on ABC have a talent that involves braincells rather than "who you know" or what you look like?

Negropolis December 12, 2011 at 12:09 am

I know, right? I was never thought much of Charlie Gibson, either. It totally fell off after Peter Jennings.

BarackMyWorld December 12, 2011 at 3:52 am

I don't know if that's what Whales meant, but those guys doing analysis for Fox Sports sure did spend the post-game giving Denver's QB verbal handjobs.

ShaveTheWhales December 12, 2011 at 4:16 am

Hey, the guy willed a 59-yard field goal. Or something.

Negropolis December 12, 2011 at 6:29 am

The spectrum runs from reddish-orange on the one extreme, to near-infrared on the other

I can't believe I missed this. That was brilliant, Dewey; fuckin' brilliant. Near-infrared. Something else I'll have to remember for future snarkfests.

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