Remember how Rick Perry used to be able to list a whole two things in a sentence before his mind started collapsing in on itself like a black hole vacuuming up stray brain matter? Right, that’s still happening, but the gravitational pull of his own stupidity appears to be growing according to new observations made back here on Earth. Watch him struggle to start naming “activist Supreme Court judges” he doesn’t like and then stumble on the very first one:

“Bonus”: How many judges does the Supreme Court have, Rick Perry? Answer: not “eight.” [ThinkProgress]

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  • nounverb911

    Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, and Alito would be a good start.

    • sbj1964

      Let's not forget Roy Moore.

  • Barb

    It's those horrible Texas wildfires. Rick, a mind is a terrible thing to baste. Pray harder for rain!

  • Bonghits4Jesus

    Rick Perry: better pray for brain!

    • dadanarchist

      Though it looks like he left Dorothy, the Scarecrow and the Cowardly Lion at home.

    • Goddammit, you stole my line. Even if you *did* post it first. Weasel.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      This is what happens when you pray away the gray.

    • Biff

      Mitt said: Pray for Bain!

  • OkieDokieDog

    I'll be so glad when this dickwad rides off into the sunset.

    • Not_So_Much

      If there is a god, he will be dragged off with his high-heeled boot caught in the stirrup.

    • yyyaz

      For those who remember Kid Shelleen, and those who need an introduction:

      (couldn't find the Kid-and-horse-leaning-passed-out-against-the-barn scene)

    • I don't care if he rides, runs, walks, slithers, or crawls, as long as he gets the fuck out of the public space.

      • NorthStarSpanx

        I think the real meaning of the now-abandoned "Texas Miracle" was that it didn't do more than just burn for a whole summer – it's a goddamn miracle the place didn't implode from the self-serving incompetence all these years he was in Texas politics.

        • And just think! He came right after G.W. Bush, the (now) second-greatest moron ever to run for the Presidency!

  • He really is trying to fit himself into a mold of Ronald Reagan and he’s succeeding in an Alzheimer kind of way.

    • SorosBot

      With Rick I think it may be more of a perennial drunken haze kind of way.

      • I wonder. W always sounded drunk and yet he was supposedly sober. Maybe there is something in that Texas water like Valium, lead or turkey.

        • Geminisunmars

          Or perhaps benzene. Do they do much fracking down in ole Texas?

      • Negligently_Joe

        I'm going to try this without the link, to try to figure out why the fuck my comments are getting auto-moderated, but look up Korsakoff's Syndrome on the wiki. It's sort of an amazing fit.

    • ProgressiveInga

      The Curious Case of Benjamin Perry. Instead of getting younger he's getting dumber.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Now, if he would only dump his wife for a women best known for her oral abilities, who he has knocked up, we might have the perfect Republican Candidate.

      • Negligently_Joe

        You know who else was best known for their oral abilities?

        (sorry, too easy)

        • HistoriCat

          Oral Roberts?

    • He shoulda stuck with slime molds.

  • V572 the Merciless

    About half the time, Perry looks and sounds like he's totally wasted.

    • user-of-owls

      And the other 75% of the time he's asleep.

      Dr. User O. Owls
      Professor of Statistics
      Fox News U.

      • MaxNeanderthal

        What does he do for the other 15.50000(recurring)% of the time…?

        • user-of-owls

          He eats pi.

    • Well, I want access to his fucking drugs. Because I'm wasted at least the same amount of time, and NOBODY has ever accused me of sounding as much like a dipshit as this godawful dipshit.

      • Biff

        His "fucking drugs"? ie Viagra?

    • PS: Lerve the new av.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Dumb Texan doesn't like wise Latina.

    • chicken_thief

      But those cabana boys, well that's a hoss of a different color.

    • dadanarchist

      Isn't that on state license plates?

  • MildMidwesterner

    Ruth Bader Ginsburg is an Activia judge.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Beats the atavistic judges that Dumbya left us with.

  • SorosBot

    "For Washington to be able to tell a local school board that you cannot have prayer or a time of prayer, I think most Americans find that offensive."

    Well any American who respects the Constitution would find that school board that wants to force prayer on the kids very offensive, Rick.

    • comrad_darkness

      Well, the real BS thing is any kid is free to pray, whenever they feel like it, as long as they aren't disruptive. Just because they'd be embarrassed as hell so they don't try it isn't liberal's fault.

      • Geminisunmars

        Oh yes it is. Liberals are against uniformity, and unless you have the entire class reciting rote prayers at the same time in the same way, the childrens is not learning the proper prayers. Hence – it is the liberals fault. See – logic.

  • But isn't "Sotomayor" a brand of tequila?

    • chicken_thief

      I thought that was hillbilly speak for the job title of whoever the Grifter Queen hired to help her run Wasilla – the soto-mayor.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Nah, it was Her Griftiness herself: the sort-of-mayor.

  • Indiepalin

    I always thought that there were twelve judges on the Supreme Court but now I find out there are only nine, due to budget issues.

  • user-of-owls

    Just go fucking gently into that motherfucking goddamn good night already, you scabrous cunt.

    • win.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Who asked Dylan Thomas for the long form?

  • chicken_thief


  • BarackMyWorld
  • I couldn't quite catch what Ricky isn't quite grasping for —

    "not-not Monteyor…"?
    "not Monte Cristo…"
    "not, not Monty Hall…"

    "For the love of God, Montresor!"

    Never mind that Poe's character was French, not Latino.. This mushmouth's campaign can't get bricked-up and walled out of sight soon enough.

    • LesBontemps

      Hmmm, Rick sure seems to like his alky-hall; but a cask of Amontillado sounds a bit too messican.

      • beavertank

        It sounds foreign… not that that's a bad thing mind you! It just sounds… TOO foreign, if you know what I mean.

      • Throw him in a vat of malmsey, then.

  • sbj1964

    Rick Perry Presidential bid is not just going to flame out.He's taking it SuperNOVA !

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Yes, but I suspect his stupidity mass is so enormous he'll be over the Chandresekar limit, and will collapse into a super-massive black hole of batshittery, wiping out the galactic neighbourhood in the process……….

  • paris biltong

    We're all joking, but this is getting increasingly scary. These guys a beginning to make a growing line of past barely competent Republican presidents look pretty smart.

    • I had that mental-hiccup the night of his Big Gaffe (a.k.a. 'the oops'). It was nearly enough to knock me sober. I figure it's cyclical. Perry is a conundrum, validating hearty yuks and eliciting trainwreck gut-wrenches by turns. Like in Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Cousin Eddie's puzzling over his daughter's mercurial visage:

      "She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know"

      I reckon I don't know either, why consistent conclusions are hard to pin down on this oaf-of-office. Nor can I decide who resembles him more, goofy Cousin Eddie or the crackpot kid whose condition he's describing.

    • DaRooster

      I really wasn't kidding a few months ago when I said I missed the days of G.H.W. Bush…

  • "You don't have to be in the pew every Sunday to know that there is something wrong in this country when yet another dumbass Texan can openly run for President…"

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      People in the pews every Sunday are a large part of the problem.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Rick Perry: Making Texas – and America – Proud

    • If by "proud" you mean "utterly fucking despairingly ashamed and suicidal," sure.

  • Baconzgood

    3 words. HE'S FROM TEX-ASS!

    Enough said.

    • ChernobylSoup

      Being a Texan is no way to go through life, son.

    • So's a good number of our fellow-commenters, and they seem able to go through life without someone helping to tie their shoes AND wipe their ass on a daily basis. There's something WAY wronger than TexASS with this boy.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Mental Rolodex: "Judges….Reinhold, no, he was that beatin' off guy in Fast Times at Ridgmont High…uh…"

    • loki_monster

      Uhhhh, Judge Dredd?

    • Indiepalin

      Or was that Judd Nelson?

    • DaRooster


  • BarackMyWorld

    "Ashley…wait, did you say 'activist judge' or 'activist Judd'?"

    • EatsBabyDingos

      Winona's got herself a big brown beaver and she show's him off to all her friends…oh, that's Winona Ryder, not Judd. I get them confused.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Hey, he has good hair! I wasn't aware that there were any other prerequisites for the Republican nomination (since Cain & Trump are out)….other than hating browns, poors, gays and being a completely horrible human being.

    • Banelm

      His hate of browns has been judged insufficient, so he now must make up for the lack in some other category, and he is utterly failing.

      • HistoriCat

        But he's so good at killing people – doesn't that count for any thing?

  • I want to see a Jeopardy game show with Perry, Bachmann and Trump’s hair.

  • rocktonsam

    Texas, you should be so something about this guy.

    • user-of-owls

      They tried burning him out. They tried blowing up the mansion. Didn't work. It's time they buckled down and got serious.

      • Now that you mention it, there do seem to be an awful lot of … *suspicious* incidents around Rick Perry, don't there?

    • comrad_darkness

      They are pulling a Reagan, promoting him out of town.

  • Guppy

    It's not eight? What, are Scalia and Alito aren't actually the same person?

    • Geminisunmars

      I thought it was Scalia and that Thomas guy.

      • Biff

        Scalito and Thomas.

    • beavertank

      It's actually eight and three fifths since Thomas is… you know…

  • SayItWithWookies

    Rick Perry has a mind like a steel trap — a steel sink trap at a sketchy diner that was closed by the health department.

    • user-of-owls

      I was thinking more along the lines of a cold, metallic, mindless killing steel trap left flippantly along the path where the weakest and abandoned creatures tread.

      • NorthStarSpanx

        I believe Texas doesn't have a health department. Sound too big government unless it involves a tween's cervix.

  • Tundra Grifter

    What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Rick Perry?

    Lindsay Lohan can finish a sentence in four and a half hours.

  • Mahousu

    What are those weird objects on the shelves behind Perry? Certainly not anything he's ever had anything to do with.

    • ChernobylSoup

      They're Texas public school textbooks; he's been using them for debate prep.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Wall decorations … you can buy them by the yard at Ikea.

  • x111e7thst

    Are we observing the symptoms of tertiary syphilis here? Late neurosyphilis form?

    • What, are all the terlet seats in the TexASS Gub'nor's mansion infested with spirochetes? This is at least the second Gub'nor they've had with an IQ below refrigeration temperatures.

  • Callyson

    The activist judges…they're, um…you know, the chicks Obama appointed! Yeah, that's it…

  • MaxNeanderthal

    Has he been to the Uzbekikikikikikikikikikikistan Language school?

  • RadioYKWE

    There's three of them…ummm…yeah can i get a little help here?…ummmm

    • He should have asked for his right to make a phone call. It's guaranteed in the goddamn Constitution.

    • sbj1964

      Rick Perry makes Forrest Gump look like a Rocket Scientist !

  • DaRooster

    This guy should truly quit smoking pot…

    • iburl

      or start.

    • Geminisunmars

      That's his only saving grace.

    • I'm tellin' ya, it ain't the pot. I don't know anybody that sounds as dim as this dumb fuck, and most everybody I know smokes pot.

  • orygoon

    What ARE those things on the shelves behind Governor Rick?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    When I clicked on the video it said "An error occurred. Please try again later". Perfect

    • memzilla

      Same error message will appear on the Diebold voting machines next year.

  • Rayn_And

    ummm (:54) Montpelier?

  • Wonderthing

    If brains was vaseline, Perry couldn't even go fuck himself.

  • Joshua Norton

    His new campaign slogan:

    Rick Perry – when regular crazy just won't do.

    • sbj1964

      Rick Perry's kind of Crazy is as big as Texas!

  • BornInATrailer

    Pretty soon he's gonna need to get that bouquet of flowers to the pet cemetery or wherever it is they bury mice.

    • Gleem_McShineys

      "I had more crazy tests today in case they use me. That same place but a different littel room with books. The nice lady who give it to me tolld me the name and I askd her how do you spell it so I can put it down rite in my preznit campane riport. DES MOINES EDITORIAL BOARD. I dont know the frist 3 words but I know what boards are."

    • Oh god. I used to love that story so much as a child, and you may have ruined it for me forever.

    • sbj1964

      Rick Perry is beyond mice&Gerbils he has graduated to things the size of his head up his @ss!

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    WTF, why does she help him out? Let him flap in the wind for another 15 seconds while he searches for a name, any name…

    • flamingpdog

      Compassionate mediaism!

  • DahBoner

    Black holes are festering places of suckiness, to use the technical jargon.

    Everything goes in, but nothing comes out.

    Say, that reminds me, how's that concert pianist, Condi Rice doing these days?

    • SorosBot

      Well things do come out – very, very slowly, one fundamental particle at a time, in the slowest process known to exist in the universe, such that it will take about 10^67 (that's a one followed by 67 zeroes) years for a stellar mass black hole to evaporate; to contrast, the universe is currently about 1.3 * 10^9 years old:

      • Cool info, SB. I didn't know that.

      • Thank you, SorosBot. You are such a delightful fount of information. It's *almost* enough for me to stop being an obnoxious crabby asshole for a few minutes.

  • They're "activist" when the Repubicans don't like the decision. But when they like the outcome, it's hunky dory. Like, Bush v Gore. No activists there, making new laws about who can be president. Or Citizens United, creating corporate rights* out of whole cloth.
    * I'll support "corporations are people" when they pay taxes on a 1040A with just a standard deduction.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I'll support "corporations are people" when I can shoot one of them in the head.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Very funny KBJ. Why don't you play the whole clip, where Rick settles down and explains why he thinks Simon Cowell is a total asshole, and that he shouldn't be on the high court at all, given that he is British.

    • chascates

      And Perry wonders why the judges have to wear those powdered wigs?

      • sbj1964

        Rick is no Perry-Mason.

  • chascates

    I think most Texans now realize what a dim bulb their governor is. Fortunately in Texas the Lieutenant Governor and the Comptroller of Public Accounts are the real power.

    • I know Texans have a pretty weird sense of humour, and I'm just wondering: did the fine movers and shakers of Texas who fucking hate Rick Perry's ass but wouldn't dream of ever saying so put him up to this just to watch the soon-to-be-ex-Guv crash and burn spectacularly?

  • __kth__

    Swarm of Palin-inspired Revere historians infesting Wikipedia to insist that the Chief Justice isn't "just a justice", and hence there are only 8, in 3.2.1.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Well, Rehnquist did have a "special" robe.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Look at it this way. Even if Perry looses his race to be President, he is well on his way to being qualified to do death penalty defense work in Texas.

    • sbj1964

      The only good thing that ever came out of Texas is I-10.

  • Schmannnity

    I hope Perry stays in the race and forms a 2016 exploratory committee. Think about every bad thing you have ever said about Texas. Whenever a Texan says something in reply, all you have to say is RICK PERRY.

  • bagofmice

    So it's an activist judge that you cannot name an action of.

    • sbj1964

      Your insight is amazing wtf you should be writing material for the obviously impaired.

  • ….. Judge Judy??? …. Judd Hirsch??? ….. Judge Crater????

    • Negligently_Joe

      Judge Reinhold?

    • Biff

      Judge Knott?

  • Fukui_sanYesOta

    That video still – he looks like an out-of-work car salesman trying too hard at a job interview for Home Depot Flooring Associate.

    "Well, yessuh, the Lord helped me quit drinking <hic>;"

    • The guy you *know* you won't hire, even before you catch the eye of the other interviewers, because *everybody* can smell the flopsweat of desperation rising off him in waves.

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        It's the look of empty desperation in his eyes which does it for me. At once longing for acceptance yet simultaneously the rest of the body language says "yes! I can do this! what will it take to put me in this position?"

        • And you know if you hire him, he'll just try to weasel his way into marketing anyway, where he'll kiss the clients' asses and promise them all kinds of shit that you can NEVER deliver by deadline, and spend the rest of the time blaming the overworked engineers for failing to include every single fucking bell and whistle.

    • I've never had an associate at the Home Depot who couldn't answer a question that required them to remember one thing.

  • dennis1943

    Inactive is the opposite of active………like Perrys brain……..

  • The US America Supreme Court according the Rick Perry:

    Judge Dredd! Reinhold Judge! Judge Judy! Judging Amy! Judge McJudgerson Judge Wapner! Judge Harry Anderson! Judge Oral Roberts! Simon Cowell.

    • Judge Knott? See Matthew 7:1

      • flamingpdog

        Judge Don Knotts? See Mayberry 7:1.

  • I was just like that after 37 ECT treatments.

  • ttommyunger

    I could find Little Ricky quite appealing if I were a mouth-breathing Bible Thumper with three teeth or less and an IQ to match.

  • Biff

    8 justices, eh? Maybe he got them mixed up with Santa's reindeer. 'tis the season, amirite?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      So, Rudolf is the Chief?

      • Biff

        DAMN them Texans and their fuzzy maths!

  • Richard, why are you still here, you fucking dumbass? Hasn't it penetrated through that thick and barnacle-encrusted scumfilled skull of yours that NOBODY WANTS YOU?

    To my utter disgust, I hear rumours out of Iowa that this fucksock is actually looking better in the polls. Better than what, Lawd Jezus? Roast toads on lettuce?

  • At this rate, he'll be speechless within a week, and drooling, pissing, and shitting himself within two. Someone really ought to find out if his brain is being eaten away from the inside out by small insects. How can ANYbody show up so fucking unprepared for EVERYthing? I mean, all of us regular working folk who have ever held a job know, when you have a meeting or a press conference the next morning, you get your shit ready the night before. You write down bullet points of the really important things you need to remember.

    This feckin' feckless eejit has never held a job with any responsibility ever, in his entire life. Either that, or the last working brain cell just rotted away.

  • littlebigdaddy

    All of them, Katie?

  • flamingpdog

    Here's one that should get Rick's approval.

    Oh, I'm sorry, I thought he said "active tits judge".

    • Negligently_Joe

      I think it's important to have someone who's garnered a well-deserved reputation for absolutely despising women to be a judge for Miss America. I mean, you don't people to get the wrong idea about beauty pageants, or anything.

      • Biff

        Wait–which pageant is owned by trump, again?

  • fletc3her

    Think of the plus side. If there was a zombie attack, Perry would be immune.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      BRRAAIIINS ..wait a minute…what the fuck is this shit … fucking empty calories.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Or female, but insufficiently "normal".

  • sbj1964

    Poor rick,It is actually hard to watch him try to construct a complete sentence.He is like a George W, Bush clone.What do they put in the water in Texas?

  • Negligently_Joe

    To be fair, we need a leader, not a guy who's remotely familiar with the civic institutions that he wants to be in charge of, and says he hates.

    Wait, that doesn't rhyme.

  • BZ1

    From now on, no more charitable prompting from reporters …

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Rick Perry is the kind of guy that would have used up all of his lifelines on the first question of Who Wants to be a Millionaire.

    Maybe, after he fails, he can do his own gameshow, Who Wants to be a President

  • tcaalaw

    So, if the reporter had asked Perry to name an example of an "activist" ruling by Sotomayor or Kagan, how long do you think he would have sat there with his mouth gaping?

    • HistoriCat

      No way that editorial board would have sat and waited long enough for that answer.

  • occams8ball

    'from my perspective, inarguably, …' sounds like an executioner to me.

  • Might be a good idea if some gotcha reporter asked him to name the 10 Commandments. That would end his run right there.

    • finallyhappy

      in Hebrew- I can do it! of course, we actually have 613 but I can't name most of them

  • comrad_darkness

    I have a much more important question. Why in the hell was this waste of oxygen taken seriously for even thirty total seconds??

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