It is bad enough being a powerless Democratic House representative having to watch orange Juggalo John Boehner strut the halls of Congress every day with a trail of Chiclet-toothed goobers sniveling in his wake every single day, as part of your job. You would be sad. It would be terrible. But today, even more sadly and more terribly, Rep. Rick Larsen (D-WA) suffered the further indignity of finding out his own pack of drunk, goofaloofing staffers like to get on the Twitter and call him an ‘idiot’ and ‘a pussy.’ Aren’t the youth supposed to understand how this twatter machine thingy works by now, that it is public?
Apparently, a trio of staffers in the congressman’s office were dead-set on making this a ‘December to Remember,’ alternately known as DTR or D2R in twit-speak. Looks like the plan worked!
Over several months, according to online messages allegedly made by staffers with Democratic Congressman Rick Larsen, the D.C. office of Washington State’s 2nd District has been the setting of a staffers-gone-wild bash, a binge of embarrassing behavior including insults lobbed by legislative aides at the Congressman himself and accounts of on-the-job drinking, all broadcast for the world to see on via Twitter.
THE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING! At least regional newspaper NW Daily Marker is, and they captured the hilarious screenshots below from Larsen’s staffers’ Twitter accounts.
The opening games of D2R involved shots in front of the Cannon House Office Building. (Pro-tip: it’s actually more professional to arrive drunk.)
Now, everyone thinks their boss is an idiot…. and maybe he’s a pussy, too, cuz some percentage of the population has to be, right? But, just spitballing here, maybe don’t call him either thing on your public Twitter?
A Concerned Mom of September had the same qualms re: public twatting long before December to Remember. Of course, as moms frustratingly tend to be, she was both prescient and wise. How fun will Christmas @TheRocketship1ses’ be this year?!
Hey, you know what they’ll probably always “remember,” even more than the mid-morning Fuzzy Navels and the time that girl from Mizzou puked in the coat room? Getting fired in a jobless economy! Better luck next time, kids. [NW Daily Marker]
{ 143 comments }
My rule is always drink with the boss . And they're all pussies because serious drinkers are too drunk to tweet.
T
You may be ready to be the next BaconzGood, Jr.
Either that, or he needs to go work for Baconzgood.
Baconz hiring?Fuck yeah!
ZOMG, what have I done!
Pretty much all bosses are pussies and idiots.
Am not.
Are you hiring?
For drinking purposes, or tweeting purposes?
You know your life really sucks when you have only one follower on Twitter. And he wants to kill you.
and punctuation also
mmmmm, delicious… bourbon, brownest of the brown liquors… so tempting.
Shots of Bourbon starting at 9 in the morning will kill the germs for the rest of the day. Probably less expensive than the Blue Cross/Blue Shield premiums. But you're only allowed to do your drinking in-network.
Too cloying for me; it's Scotch or Irish here.
Amen, I'll wait until my innards need to be filtered with charcoal thanks.
@TheRocketship1
Seth
Just got pepper sprayed trying to rob a tourist on J street. Now heading to a fountain to harvest sweet free coins. I'm out of Popov. #D2R
If you tweet, don't drink. If you drink, don't tweet.
Friends don't let friends tweet hammered.
Alcohol and keypads don't mix… unless you've got a solid meth connection. That's the kind of bipartisanship we need in DC!
See, that right there is some amateur alcoholism. Loquacious doesn't even begin to describe the verbiage required to deploy the kind of language appropriate for wonkette.
Unless² you have access to Agent Orange John Boner's account.
Get off teh Twitters, drunk staffers! You all obvs belong on teh Wonkette.
A bunch of adolescent Hunter Thompson wanna-bees. If they really want to get serious, they should commence with the ether.
Psychologists have determined that taking psychedelics makes people more empathetic. Jebus knows we wouldn't want that in Congress! Empathy is, after all, as Glenn Beck, told us, just another word for soshulism!
You be tripping.
In their wildest dreams these people couldn't use language nearly as well as Dr. Thompson — and he was no genius writer. Genius observer, yes. But I suspect they lack that skill, too.
There is nothing more despicable than a man in the depths of an ether binge.
First they came for our twittered wieners, then they came for me.
I'm from Washington State and and I don't think Larsen is an idiot.
He is kind of a pussy, though.
Since he is a democrat, that goes without saying. Must be in the job description somewhere'
Beat me to it. Meh, all Democrats are pussies.
Only the men (excepting Pat Leahy and Henry Waxman). The women are all like Gabby Gifford and Barbara Lee and Nancy Pelosi and Tammy Duckworth and Maxine Waters and …
You get my drift.
Do NOT insult my imaginary husband Bernie Sanders and the imaginary boyfriend I cheat on him with — Sherrod Brown!!
Nancy Pelosi is a pussy.
Agreed.
Is he your rep?
He's my rep and I've thought he was kind of a pussy for a while.
Our future leaders, ladies and gentlemen! Too stupid to not be narcissists.
Or: what a buncha twats!
They probably figured it was OK to get drunk at 9AM at work in the House because Speaker Boehner does so every day.
It's called leadership.
He isn't drunk. That's a common misconception. He's just a bit deranged by the chemicals he uses to keep his skin that enchanting tone.
It's called cirrhosis of the liver/jaundice.
Yeah, people think that's yellow, but combine it with a golfer's tan and you get that weird orange tone.
I'm just waiting for the day when his liver leaps out of his body, knocks that double scotch out of his hand, and chokes the living shit out of him. God knows if I'd suffered that kind of abuse, I would.
Please. That drunk is so drunk he's practically pickled.
He doesn't twat about it though.
Mom just yelled at me so I'm on Twitter probation until further notice.
Just wait until Mom finds out you don't have a fucking job. Time Out for TheRocketship1!
Fucking snot-nosed douchebag.
This is Obama's fault.
Well, it will be a Christmas Miracle if he isn't blamed for it.
Faux News: Argle bargle bargle Beer Summit bargle argle Youth Drinking argle bargle Kenyan Soshulism Campy Death Rayz argle bargle….
You speak Pox so well.
I'm afraid I looked at the comments at Politico. Yup, this is proof that all Dems and Obama's admin are all corrupt and horrible people. So now we know.
Like my Dad use to say. " The day I can't do my job drunk, I'll turn in my gun & my Badge."
FTW !!!
You mean shots of hard liquor aren't provided gratis every morning for all Congressional staff members? If not, what is it that makes them show up?
Only if the liquor lobby is looking to influence a piece of legislation.
If not, what is it that makes them show up?
The promise of future employment on Wall Street or K Street.
The shots of hard liquor are for Congress only – not staff! It's the one hard and fast rule in the Capital.
The good news is, that since the were getting staffers' salaries, they should be dirt poor and sober right about….now.
They are. They just got fired.
Representing Bellingham is hard work! And the 2nd District also covers Mount Vernon, once home of Glenn Beck, so I'm impressed they were sober for the other 11 months.
The Verns. I started doing Internet work to get away from there. Wound up in DC in a piqué of irony. The worst part was cutting across a park in Amsterdam and catching sight of a Tulip, and realizing that I've made it halfway around the planet and I'm in another goddamned tulip town.
I dunno, I'd rather have tulips on my organ than roses on my piano.
Slut.
You're a maniac — maniac — in the greenhouse.
Welcome to DC.
M.A.D.T Mothers against drunk tweeting ?
The Capitol Hill staff culture has always resembled a fraternity party for the just out of college professionals who dominate the offices.
So much was just explained. SO. MUCH.
Twitter'in drunk is ok, at least you don't end up with a down-syndrome half- eskimo kid!
See this is all wrong. If we want to get anything done in this country, it is the congressmen that should get hammered first thing in the morning. At least then they couldn't fuck anything up
oh for the days when i could drink at 9 am.
sigh.
That's what weekends are for!
Just sleep until 1pm.
No one came up with a Facebook page? I'm thinking that there's a photo out there with at least one popped collar.
LNS LIBEL!
These guys are obvious noobs.
Everybody else knows that the 2nd floor men's room in the Rayburn Building (stall closest to window) has a bottomless supply of nitrous.
There's usually a cluster of penny-loafered swells by 10AM, get there early.
Progress in inebrio-telecommunications:
1920-1995: drunk dialing
1995-2006: drunk emailing
2006-2009: drunk Facebooking
2009-present: drunk Tweeting
They'll all mess up your life!
This shit didn't happen when we communicated with quill pens, blotters and sealing wax!
Back in college In the 90s I made a few drunk Usenet comments I came to regret to.
That’s the one I was trying to think of. Drunken Wonkette commenting, however, has a rich and honorable tradition.
Hell, during Republican debates it's practically required.
Do people ever do it sober????
We wouldn't be able to manage our hullabalootions if we did it sober.
That depends on what the definition of "it" is.
I am with you there – and a Google search for my name still drags them up.
Thos Jefferson
Monticello
Charlottesville, VA
Dear so-called President Adams,
Once again you have outdone yourself. Not merely content to strongly resemble a particularly oafish bonobo both in visage and your uncontrollable onanistic urges, you seek to further invite the comparison with your risible and simian attempts at legislation.
The Alien and Sedition Acts could only have come from the mind of a personage suffering from late-stage syphilis or having fallen from one's carriage and incurred a grievous, debilitating brain injury. My condolences on whichever of these is the case.
In summary, sir, you are a fool and bamboozled nincompoop of the first water.
Yours etc
Thos Jefferson
Well played, my good sir! And my coachman will deliver this encomium to your domicile posthaste!
Ah, yes, it is the claret speaking, and all too well…
See, there are no consequences for such things, these days. Adams would have called for a duel. I say we go back to dueling.
God, where is Martha Mitchell?
Little punkasses and their "drunk tweeting". Gah. In those "quaint" days of quills, blotters and sealing wax, we had a Secretary of Treasury and a Vice President who would drink and scribble and brood and drink and scribble some more, until one of them dared the other to show up at the Palisades in Jersey and bring his gun. They were men in those days, I tells ya.
Au contrare.
Wow. Nice. Thanks!
Boy, shit just got real. Well, 172 years ago, anyway.
Drunk pony express!
Yet another thing the private sector does/did better!
This is what happens when congressional staffers get better broadband.
@TheRocketShip1: next time use a designated tweeter! #deniedunemploymentclaim
Sam Brownback would never have put up with this shit.
If it's a December to remember, you're clearly not drinking hard enough.
Ext:
They forgot to remember to forget.
#50000000TwitterFansCantBeWrong
Frat boy antics like starting the day with a shot, calling your boss an "idiot" on twitter without seeing the irony – these kids are closeted Republicans.
oh come on. this is kinda charming.
if they were republican staffers there would have been several racial slurs, a hooker joke and homophobic cartoons.
Do we finally have the liberal counterpart to Late Night Shots?
9AM Shots! Look for the unpopped collars.
Bottle brunettes flashing their Hammer and Sickle bras!
Reality Kings just bought the rights to CapitolRules.com.
Lighten up old people! Fuck the establishment. I'm cutting the soles off of my shoes and learning to play the flute! Kiss my unemployed ass! Show me my tits! I'm going to Burning Man! Single origin coffee rules!
That was …… wonderful.
Only if it's Ersatz Brothers coffee.
How Hipster… you gonna let your beard grow too?
the messages describe on-the-job drinking, frivolous misuse of office time and resource
"If I could get hammered
I'd get hammered in the mo-o-orning
I'd be pukin' by that evening
All over the Twitter
I don't smell no da-a-anger
Projectile vomit without warning
It's about the lush that's me
My brothers an' my sisters
Tweetin' our illin' selves all over this land"
Can't comment now, my Mom just yelled at me…gotta go
So did mine, and she's been dead a few years.
These people are all stupid enough to get elected to Congress. Jesus!
When the world is in ruins, we will all realize it was because of Twitter.
"This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a twat."
In partial tribute to Lady Lynn Forrester de Rothschild's latest cri de…. what do rich people have instead of hearts?
Charity balls.
Biel_ze_Bubba would know, he's roasting them by an open fire for Xmas this year.
Where do I sign up?
"Young, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through Congress, son".
"OLD, drunk, and stupid, now that's another matter.
How do you get one of these government gigs?
Sounds to me like there might be some openings in Rep. Rick Larsen's office.
I hope they sober up just long enough to put together their own kremlin-style twitter botnet. Then we'll have some fun!
Knowing the people in Congress, can you blame them? I'd have to have a few drinks in the morning to deal with them too.
Back in the day, we would always show stoned on the first day of work. That way they couldn't tell if we showed up for work stoned.
Brilliant!
Ladies & gents, I present your new daytime tender at the Old Glory Bar & Cafe — @TheRocketship.
#betsybites = this week's #brownbackblows?
I used to go into work stoned sometimes, but I worked for a movie studio so nobody noticed.
Man, in the early 90s I used to work for games companies where smoking weed was positively encouraged.
My first interview for a games company (at the tender age of twenty), I was handed a bong as part of the interview process to see whether I could answer technical questions about the finer points of writing 80×86 protected mode code whilst smashed sideways on thai bud. Good times, good times.
Obviously, I shoulda gone to work for YOUR company, instead of the one I did end up working for.
Although I did once work for a software company where the director of engineering was kind enough to share his bud with us. Go up on the rooftop at 5 with a beer and a smoke and watch the sun set. It was great till the fucking building security figured out what was going on.
Man, it was crazy crazy times.
There was the time where one guy had collapsed in the external door due to drinking too much and we'd just thrown a blanket over him, so the security guard wanders in at 2am to make sure everything's cool and catches three of us snorting coke off a playstation dev kit because, well, you can.
Then another time when we'd been allowed to smoke cigarettes in the office to stop us going for cig breaks during crunch time, so of course we totally abused that while doing all-nighters to just cold smoke bifters as we worked. After one all nighter, when everyone else had turned up for a normal work day and we had some guys from the Japan office over, I watch my friend start up a huge fucking cone at his desk because he was exhausted and wasted. I'm hissing at him and pointing at his hand, and he's got this "eh? what's the problem?" look on his face – until he looks twice, realises what the fuck he's doing and goes white and dashes out of the door.
I miss games companies.
That sounds like SO much more fun than pulling all-nighters in some giant corporation that had UNIX sysadmins on every floor, all wearing Birkenstocks with giant bushy beards and a bigger collection of guns in their offices than most small nations.
Isn't it great when you work for a company where being fucked up out of your bean is *expected*? Back in the '70s, I worked in advertising, and creative meetings were always conducted in a pleasant haze of pot smoke and booze and the occasional toot to boot. Geez, I've had a pretty drugged up life, come to think of it.
What a cool way to self-destruct one's career in public service: hey, kids-you know this shit is being archived for all fucking time, right? I've got over 7,000 tweets out there and some of them are real scorchers, but my life is over- I fucking care less. Word to the wise for the young out there.
How about don't tweet at all ever, anyone, because it's the lamest most self-absorbed activity ever created?
Twitter is like communism, free verse or most performance art. It could actually be awesome if people weren't, the vast majority of them, such incredible assholes.
Just pack up your Tweeter and go back to mommy and daddy. You have nothing worth saying.
Democrats should have a questionnaire to give to potential interns:
Did you go to an Ivy League school as a legacy student?
Have you ever taken a course in animal husbandry?
Does anyone in your family think gays can, or need to be, cured?
Did anyone in your family ever save a fetus in a jar?
How many guns do you own?
Do you have a charge account at Tiffany's?
Do you think "misspeaking" is synonymous with "lying"?
Do you think there are "cabins" in Vail or "beach cottages" in La Jolla?
Have you ever been ordered to a treatment program by the courts?
Name 20 bars in Georgetown.
Two yeses, or more than ten names of bars, disqualify the candidate.
These fools have sullied the heritage of ye Olde English D. Let me rephrase that, these fools have further sullied the heritage of ye Olde English D.
Also, Twitter is totally and utterly of the devil. Also.
If you can't Trink and Dweet… Fuck the shut up…
*hic
RT @RickLarsen
#youreallfiredyoufuckingmorons
Beat me, beat me with a stick! How could I forget MY imaginary Other Husband Bernie Sanders and my Imaginary Boyfriend Sherrod Brown!
Maybe that whole "Democrats are pussies" meme is just a bad meme, like bad oysters, or something. Needs to be vomited out of the body politic. Come to think of it, Pete Stark and Raul Grijalva ain't so bad either.
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