TOILET HUMOR  2:17 pm December 8, 2011

Newt Gingrich Needs Two Times As Many Bathrooms As Everyone Else

by Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Where else did you think he writes his books?

Here is some particularly gross gossip unearthed by the Smoking Gun that somehow met the “news” qualification at the Washington Post: according to this rider from a 2010 speaking engagement in Missouri, Newt Gingrich’s lengthy demands include two bathrooms in his hotel room, because he is just that full of shit. But all things considered, this is the least disgusting thing we have learned about Newt Gingrich so far in history. A quick six-second search is guaranteed to turn up something even worse… let’s see, oh here we go, apparently Newt Gingrich is breaking the law now by announcing he wants John Bolton to be his Secretary of State?

Here you were thinking this announcement was actually in violation of the laws of the United States for the reason that John Bolton’s murderous madman tendencies make him an actual crime against humanity, but no — it’s actually for the more obscure/mundane reason that you are not supposed to name cabinet members before winning the election.

From Political Wire:

Newt Gingrich promised he would ask former U.N. Ambassador John Bolton “to be his secretary of state if he’s elected president next year,” the Washington Times reports.

Unfortunately, naming individuals you would appoint to office before the election is apparently illegal. Here’s Title 18, Part I, Chapter 29, Section 599 of the U.S. Code:

“Whoever, being a candidate, directly or indirectly promises or pledges the appointment, or the use of his influence or support for the appointment of any person to any public or private position or employment, for the purpose of procuring support in his candidacy shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than one year, or both; and if the violation was willful, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than two years, or both.”

You would think someone like self-described world’s smartest human Newt Gingrich would know this? Oh well, careful, Newt! In jail, they make you share bathrooms, if you get one at all. [Smoking Gun/Political Wire]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 212 comments }

jdoleman December 8, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Because he is full of Sh*t?

OneDollarJuana December 8, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Because he smears shit wherever he goes, and Mrs. Gingrich wants a clean bathroom for herself.

Flat_Earther December 8, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Maybe he is like Elvis and has a hard time pinching one. I suspect that is where he gets his “good ideas”.

Tommmcattt December 8, 2011 at 2:40 pm

It comes out of both ends.

GOPCrusher December 8, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Maybe the aroma being emitted from Newt dropping a Stink Pickle is horrific enough to gag a maggot on a gut wagon. No amount of Febreze will make the room safe for others to use for at least a half hour.

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:15 pm

You make me wish Twitter allowed more than 140 characters.

Negropolis December 8, 2011 at 11:39 pm

Newt Gingrich’s lengthy demands include two bathrooms in his hotel room, because he is just that full of shit.

Yep. That's what Kirsten said, up top.

Chillwaver December 8, 2011 at 2:18 pm

One bathroom for his fat ass and another one for his gigantic ego.

DrunkIrishman December 8, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Well, when you've got an ass as fat as he does…

freakishlywrong December 8, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Fine. I'll do it. Naturally, Newt produces twice as much shit.

BaldarTFlagass December 8, 2011 at 2:20 pm

One bathroom for him, one for the woman with whom he is cheating on his current wife. He doesn't wanna smell it when she goes in and drops a tear-inducing deuce. What's the big deal?

Not_So_Much December 8, 2011 at 3:16 pm

I just assumed the 2nd was for that woman to go cry in the shower in a fetal position for a couple hours after having to see him in all his vast, white, nekkid corpulescence?

freakishlywrong December 8, 2011 at 2:20 pm

He faucets a lot of guano, my friends.

ifthethunderdontgetya December 8, 2011 at 2:20 pm

#POOPSALOT
~

actor212 December 8, 2011 at 3:09 pm

o/~ I like big dumps, and I cannot lie. o/~

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:16 pm

You two!

memzilla December 8, 2011 at 2:21 pm

In Newt's campaign, this contract provision about hotel bathrooms is called the Dominique Strauss-Kahn clause. You never know where your next mistress might come from.

Schmannnity December 8, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Bolton is bad, but his picks of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. at Transportation and Chuck Norris at Defense are worse.

WhatTheHeck December 8, 2011 at 2:30 pm

And he's replacing Smokey the Bear with an arsonist

OneDollarJuana December 8, 2011 at 3:00 pm

John Denver picked for the FAA.
Stella Nickell for the FDA.
Typhoid Mary will head up the Centers for Disease Control.

Neilist_Returns December 9, 2011 at 12:38 am

Neilist as head of the ATF?

::::HopeHopeHopeHopeHope::::

hagajim December 8, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Twice as full of Shit as the rest…seems bout right. Either that or his shit stinks so bad Calista can't be near it #NewtShitPeelsPaint.

DonnyKerabotsos December 8, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Because he shits out of both ends?

Tommmcattt December 8, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Gah, you beat me to that! Mine is further upstream though…

FNMA December 8, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Two bathrooms and still full of shit.

hagajim December 8, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I just love it when we can all do poop jokes.

ManchuCandidate December 8, 2011 at 2:24 pm

He must eat a lot of Colon Blow Cereal.

freakishlywrong December 8, 2011 at 2:27 pm

In his case it's "Candidate Blows."

CarnyTrash December 8, 2011 at 2:44 pm

"This Ano-Weet really unclogs me!"

DemmeFatale December 8, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Either that, or SUPER COLON BLOW!!

sbj1964 December 8, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Newt Gingrick,and that is his real name not Gingrich needs twice what the average man would need in a bathroom. Gingrick, that does not sound American; we should ask for his Birth certificate. Was he even born in America?His name should be spelled Newt Getinrich.

BornInATrailer December 8, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Haha, Newt needs two bathrooms because he has aides.

donner_froh December 8, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Need 2 bathrooms because it takes hours to fumigate one after a typical Gingrich movement.

mavenmaven December 8, 2011 at 2:26 pm

His pristine diamond studded wife doesn't want to see him make peepee.

freakishlywrong December 8, 2011 at 2:36 pm

And given that she's made of plastic, she probably doesn't do such vulgar things.

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:19 pm

I'll bet she and the Mittbot entertain lascivious thoughts of sharing a charger.

BaldarTFlagass December 8, 2011 at 2:26 pm

I've travelled around the world a number of times, and stayed in a whole bunch of different hotels, from fancy five-star to fleabag dive, and I have never seen a hotel room that has two bathrooms. Maybe I'm just not living right.

memzilla December 8, 2011 at 2:31 pm

The "two bathrooms" clause means he needs a second adjoining room for his, ahem, "aide." Also, because every tunneling animal always leaves himself a bolthole.

V572 the Merciless December 8, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Tapa Tower, Hilton Hawaiian Village, Honolulu. For one glorious week, right after 9/11 when they were hurting, they put me in Suite 3636, fronting the ocean, two lanais, a living room, a bedroom, and — yes it's true — 2 bathrooms, all at the government rate. I never wanted to leave.

BornInATrailer December 8, 2011 at 2:49 pm

I saw this in the movie "Forgetting V572 the Merciless"

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:20 pm

Obvs, you have a better expense account than Baldar did.

V572 the Merciless December 8, 2011 at 10:45 pm

It’s the miracle of the government rate:  the feds negotiate rates for every city and hotels can get business by offering rooms at that rate. They usually limit the number, but when they’re hurting – as the HHV was the week after 9/11, they’ll take any business they can get. As I recall it was $112/night. Ask for The Government Rate® next time you travel. Most of the time they don’t even ask for any ID.

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Brilliant, V, thanks! Will do.

Of course, if I were suitably rightarded I would decry this as another example of Gubmint stifling Big Business, rather than the good sense of the economy of scale, but since I potentially stand to benefit I won't even pretend to be a rightnut today. Not even for fun.

justkillmenow December 8, 2011 at 2:44 pm

The Drake, in Chicago, has rooms with two potties. Or that was a waste basket. Not clear now…

Jukesgrrl December 8, 2011 at 3:37 pm

It's called The Blagojevich Suite. New name plate coming tomorrow.

Fare la Volpe December 8, 2011 at 5:10 pm

I was sharing a room with my pre-teen cousin at a fancy schmancy hotel in London, when he walks out of the bathroom and tells me, "I think something's wrong. That toilet's not flushing and it shot water in my eye. And why is it so tiny?"

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:21 pm

I don't think I want to know why he had his *face* in the bowl.

Fare la Volpe December 9, 2011 at 3:13 pm

I never ask with my cousin. I never, ever, EVER ask.

chicken_thief December 8, 2011 at 2:57 pm

I was thinking that he might put that bullshit request in knowing full well that most single bedroom suites do not have two full baths, so the hotel or whoever is picking up the tab has to upgrade him to a larger suite in order to meet the only condition that he included.

Kind of like requesting any mid-sized rental car, then specifically noting that it must be able to hold x amount of cargo. With x being the amount that only an Escalade would hold.

ShaveTheWhales December 8, 2011 at 3:12 pm

"One-bedroom suite" is required by the small print. They often have 1 1/2 baths.

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Exactly.

Barb December 8, 2011 at 3:21 pm

I stayed at the Cosmopolitan Hotel in Vegas 4 months ago and I had a single bedroom, two bathrooms, full sized laundry room, kitchen with two wine storage units, a private maid, oven, fridge and a wrap-around balcony that took me 85 steps to walk.

Geminisunmars December 8, 2011 at 3:23 pm

And you left because…

Barb December 8, 2011 at 3:34 pm

V is going to have to tell the rest of this story. It is just too strange for words. V, remember why I complained and left?

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:22 pm

May I come with on your next holiday? I'll be real quiet and tidy. With 85 steps, you won't even notice me.

GOPCrusher December 8, 2011 at 3:21 pm

In Missouri, Newt should consider himself fortunate to find a hotel that has indoor plumbing.

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:19 pm

You're not. It's a SUITE. Some suites have two bathrooms.

Barb December 8, 2011 at 2:26 pm

I can see Newt now, Wall Street Journal tucked under his arm as he heads to "drop a few political contributors over by the Potomac"

prommie December 8, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Apparently, the shit comes out of both ends of him. I hate the guys who proudly strut to the restroom, newspaper under their arm, as if to announce to the world "I am not merely going to the bathroom to perform a necessary physical function, no, I am going to enjoy it, revel in it, I am going to bask in the swirling glory of my own potent fumes and read a newspaper so as to luxuriate even longer in the delightful ambience of a shit-reeking public bathroom, thats what I am going to do.

Barb December 8, 2011 at 2:53 pm

I see your point there, Buddy. I hate people who have to tell us about their bowl functions. If you have the "green apple splatters" just keep it to yourself. I can't help you in that area.

prommie December 8, 2011 at 3:39 pm

And if I am in there, do NOT talk to me.

Barb December 8, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Would it be better to just text you, lol?

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:23 pm

Is that like "dropping the kids off at the poo-l"?

SmutBoffin December 8, 2011 at 2:27 pm

The second bathroom is for his next-wife-in-waiting, who travels with Newt's entourage. There is also a briefcase of legal documents that, should the blessed day arrive when Callista is upgrayedded, changes the name on the Tiffany's account to the new model.

actor212 December 8, 2011 at 2:27 pm

The extra bathroom is for the horse he rode in on

JustPixelz December 8, 2011 at 3:19 pm

The poor horse.

actor212 December 8, 2011 at 3:30 pm

That's no way to talk about Callista!

Serolf_Divad December 8, 2011 at 2:28 pm

I picture Newt & Calista staring lovingly into each others eyes, and shitting while holding hands on side-by side his 'n hers toilets… Encrusted with diamonds from Tiffany's, of course.

ManchuCandidate December 8, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Newty, Newty.
Give me your answer doooo.
I'm half crazy all for the smell of yoooo.
It will be from a Tiffany breakfast.
came to lead from dead last
You'll be stuck upon the seat
Of a Crapper Built for Twwwwwooooooo.!!!

WhatTheHeck December 8, 2011 at 2:39 pm

These are known as “communication” toilets in Europe where Newt can take care of his verbal Diarrhea.

ManchuCandidate December 8, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Newt: The Thunder From Down Under!!!

donner_froh December 8, 2011 at 2:29 pm

I wonder if Gingrich says "I got to pinch off a loaf" as he heads to the john with the collected speeches of Winston Churchill.

Schmannnity December 8, 2011 at 5:27 pm

He seems a more "gotta unhook a train" guy.

slithytoves December 8, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Damn! We really need George Carlin for this.

anniegetyerfun December 8, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Not a day has gone by in the past few years where I haven't said to myself, "George Carlin, we need you! Come back!"

SorosBot December 8, 2011 at 2:29 pm

It sounds like someone needs a little more fiber in his diet.

anniegetyerfun December 8, 2011 at 3:55 pm

It looks as though someone needs a little more "diet" in his diet.

OkieDokieDog December 8, 2011 at 2:30 pm

He needs the extra bathroom for his hair care products and of course, his anal bleaching products:
http://theskunk.org/2011/04/gingrich-paid-for-ana

superdave December 8, 2011 at 4:25 pm

WHAT THE ?????

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Oh, god, I made one of my partners read it yesterday and I'm springing it on the other one tomorrow. I'm sorry but that was fucking hilarious.

Baconzgood December 8, 2011 at 2:30 pm

That is the least of his crimes.

SpiderCrab December 8, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Promising to appoint a master-putz like Bolton to any position of responsibility is voter intimidation of the most blatant sort.

ProgressiveInga December 8, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Hey! Everyone poops. Newt just happens to poop even when he's not pooping. Newt is a stupid pooper's idea of what a smart pooper sounds like.

littlebigdaddy December 8, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Cuz you know one of the toilets is going to get plugged up, so he needs a backup. Just being prudent.

Jukesgrrl December 8, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Having resided in apartments with lazy supers much of my life, dual plumbing of all types a code I live by. One man's ceiling is another man's floor.

Baconzgood December 8, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Why would he need 2 bathrooms? He doesn't even shit because he's got his head stuck up his ass.

weejee December 8, 2011 at 2:35 pm

A self-contained human centipede?

prommie December 8, 2011 at 2:31 pm

I'm hoping that its because he has some kind of permanent chronic colon disease that causes monstrous flatulence and nearly-constant diahrea and makes it almost impossible for normal humans to be in his presence.

Tommmcattt December 8, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Pair that with the scent from the stuff growing deep in the folds of Chris Christie's belly and breasts and you have a nearly unbeatable olfactory ticket!

Vote Gingrich/Christie 2012! The Stench of Success!

GOPCrusher December 8, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Chris Christie was in Iowa yesterday, campaigning for Mitt Romney.

Fare la Volpe December 8, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Side by side they look like the number ten.

flamingpdog December 8, 2011 at 3:25 pm

I would think it would be almost impossible for normal humans to be in his presence even if he doesn't have some kind of permanent chronic colon disease.

Jukesgrrl December 8, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I thought that was Rushbo.

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:32 pm

If that were the case, he wouldn't be able to run for President. Would that it were so!

BaldarTFlagass December 8, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Maybe he doesn't lift the seat, and Callista's tired of having sticky buns.

Extemporanus December 8, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Finally, incontrovertible proof that Newt Gingrich cheats on his toilet.

ShitFilledExistence December 8, 2011 at 2:41 pm

in bed

Extemporanus December 8, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Worst. Fortune. Ever.

V572 the Merciless December 8, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Couldn't he just call a bellman to come flush for him?

JustPixelz December 8, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Or a Master Janitor.

Weallscream December 8, 2011 at 4:56 pm

He could probably just get poor kids to do the flushing. That would teach them the meaning of work!

flamingpdog December 8, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Couldn't he just call a bellman to come flush him?

/fixed

ShitFilledExistence December 8, 2011 at 2:32 pm

One for him and one for his jowls.

not that Dewey December 8, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Newt does have irregular jowl movements.

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:33 pm

And he's not even talking at the time!

CapnFatback December 8, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Sure, Newt loves getting his peanut butter in his chocolate on the way in, but he expects that they leave his body separately.

barto December 8, 2011 at 2:33 pm

I'm confident that Newt's going to beat this rap, and he and his various Johns will flush with glee and abandon.

OneYieldRegular December 8, 2011 at 2:33 pm

A chicken in every chamber pot!

(I have no idea what that means or what relation it has to this post. I'll be quiet now.)

Geminisunmars December 8, 2011 at 3:28 pm

FDR libel!!!

Goonemeritus December 8, 2011 at 2:33 pm

John Bolton … this just goes to show that Newt is out of step with the Republican base. Michael Savage would be a little closer but I guess Newt just too big pussy to name a real American.

meatlofer December 8, 2011 at 2:34 pm

He's a" Double Prick."

weejee December 8, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Maybe Newt can share a cell with Blago – it would be Hair & Derriere.

paris biltong December 8, 2011 at 2:38 pm

It took a while but suddenly the Blago/Newt jokes are erupting. You beat me to it.

Callyson December 8, 2011 at 2:34 pm

"imprisoned not more than one year, or both; and if the violation was willful, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than two years, or both"
Can he and Blagojevich be roomies?

ShitFilledExistence December 8, 2011 at 2:35 pm

He's rising in the polls because of extreme gas!

RadioYKWE December 8, 2011 at 2:36 pm

It's his new "Contract With America."
Another piece full of shit.

GuanoFaucet December 8, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Hehe.

Tommmcattt December 8, 2011 at 2:38 pm

That Secretary Of State seat is a fucking valuable thing…

(somebody had to say it)

Generation[redacted] December 8, 2011 at 2:50 pm

That mustache is golden.

WhatTheHolyHeck December 8, 2011 at 3:11 pm

If we can't trust the Pringles Guy to manage our foreign relations, we have no business being a major world power.

BarackMyWorld December 8, 2011 at 4:53 pm

YOU CAN'T JUST GIVE IT AWAY!

Mumbletypeg December 8, 2011 at 2:40 pm

This begs the question whether an "Idea Factory" is in store for the White House that can keep pace with Newt's verbal diahrrea machine [via Politico playbook]:

"@daveweigel: IDEA: Make John Bolton secretary of state, fire all of foreign service, replace them with inner-city 14-year olds."

Makes sense to me, duz it to Newt?

Jukesgrrl December 8, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Don't forget to charge the parents of the 14-year-olds for their housing overseas. They're only interns, after all.

SorosBot December 8, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Bolton as Secretary of State would just copy the work of Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill, but make it a lot slower and dull and boring.

V572 the Merciless December 8, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Garry Wills digs into Gringrich the "historian" here:

In his opening address as speaker, Gingrich told, in touching detail, the story of Franklin’s stopping the Constitutional Convention’s squabblings with a successful plea that they pray together. They never did so….

Repeatedly Gingrich makes a favorite point, to show how important property is: “Thomas Jefferson originally wrote life, liberty, and the pursuit of property. But they [Congress?] decided happiness is a nicer word.” If his students heard that once, they heard it a dozen times. But no one wrote “the pursuit of property.” Lockeans of all sorts used the triad “life, liberty, and property.” Jefferson did not. His first draft, unaltered by Congress on this point, said “the pursuit of happiness.”

chicken_thief December 8, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Which would make sense. Weren't those that the Founding Fathers gave voting rights to all land holders? They didn't need to "pursue property" – they had it.

Chichikovovich December 8, 2011 at 3:58 pm

I think it was referring to pursuing runaway slaves.

Chichikovovich December 8, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Since you raise the subject, I'll get to another (echo chamber sound): wingnut fact that drives me bananas. How many times have I heard Gingrich/Limbaugh types insist: "look, he says the "pursuit of happiness", not happiness. That's all the inalienable rights you get: equality (of opportunity, not outcome!), life, liberty and pursuit of happiness."

Here's what Jefferson says:
" they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Please observe that he says "among these are". Which suggests that he thinks there are more, he just isn't going to list them all right now, time's a wasting. I really with people would just learn how to read. It would save a lot of time.

V572 the Merciless December 8, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Or, in modern bureaucratese, “The enumerated unalienable rights shall include, but not be limited to, life…”

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Thank you. I really ought to set aside time to read the damn NYR.

BarackMyWorld December 8, 2011 at 2:41 pm

…you are not supposed to name cabinet members before winning the election.

I think the key words here are "before winning." If you're not going to win, then you're all clear.

coolhandnuke December 8, 2011 at 2:41 pm

When Newt checks in to a hotel, the front desk contacts the local plumbers union where they issue a Defcom 5 alert for major pipe obstruction and damage. Full hazmet suits plus hazardous duty pay is required when responding to one of Newt's loos.

Tundra Grifter December 8, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Reminds me of a graffito I read in a Boy Scout outhouse many years ago: "Anythingn over 5 lbs. must be lowered by hand."

ShitFilledExistence December 8, 2011 at 2:42 pm

High School nickname: Newt the Poot

HarryButtle December 8, 2011 at 2:43 pm

I think you've all got it wrong…it's CALLISTA that stinks the can up, not Newt.

GOPCrusher December 8, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Maybe that explains the rictus grin.

Jukesgrrl December 8, 2011 at 3:52 pm

It isn't the excrement, it's the hairspray. Once she lacquers-up, it's no doubt impossible to breathe in the room for several hours.

Rotundo_ December 8, 2011 at 5:14 pm

No, from the looks of things, Callista fires off one movement per year in the form of a perfect two carat champagne diamond. She can sell back to Tiffany without DeBeers getting their cut.

zappadoo76 December 8, 2011 at 2:44 pm

C'mon, folks! It's obvious why Newt orders two bathrooms. Callista wants her own bathroom so that she can put makeup on her decaying zombie flesh in private.

not that Dewey December 8, 2011 at 2:45 pm

He expects at least one of the bathrooms to experience a "government shutdown".

Jukesgrrl December 8, 2011 at 3:52 pm

That IS one of his specialties, isn't it.

not that Dewey December 8, 2011 at 2:46 pm

This is obviously a leftover fixation from that time Bill Clinton made him use the aft-most lavatory on Air Force One.

Tundra Grifter December 8, 2011 at 3:36 pm

NTD:

That wasn't the head. That was a ramp.

Generation[redacted] December 8, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Not even Newt Gingrich wants to go into the bathroom after Newt Gingrich has been in there.

Tundra Grifter December 8, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Personally, I think "…all charges to be master billed to the client" has a nice ring to it.

That would certainly include the $500 per hour "stenographic" services.

Generation[redacted] December 8, 2011 at 3:29 pm

"What are you doing in the bathroom for so long? Are you master billing again?"

Jukesgrrl December 8, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Is Master Billing what they're calling it now on Craig's List?

Tundra Grifter December 8, 2011 at 5:04 pm

JG:

I think it's more for people who can't afford Craig's List "friends."

fartknocker December 8, 2011 at 2:51 pm

The article failed to mention that the 2nd toilet is actually a bidet because that's the only way that the fat, bloviating shitbag can wash his cellulite encapsulated nuts.

JustPixelz December 8, 2011 at 3:24 pm

How you know some of that is a secret you really should take to the grave.

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:42 pm

And someone here had the NOIVE to claim Grape Nuts was NOT an STD.

anniegetyerfun December 8, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Well, you can't shower when Callista is enjoying her daily de-rusting lube bath and joint maintenance.

V572 the Merciless December 8, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Deep in the list of required items it says, "Two 64-oz cans of WD-40."

Love your new avatar.

poncho_pilot December 8, 2011 at 3:20 pm
JustPixelz December 8, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Because "Callista" is with him. Yeah, sure, why not.

Generation[redacted] December 8, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Callista or RealDoll? Only Newt knows for sure!

Mumbletypeg December 8, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Meanwhile Rick Perry practices extra hard for the next debate re: which levels of waste he'd like to eliminate; Bachmann, on the other hand, still can't count how many dimwitted ideas it takes to hold up her three-legged stool.

Indiepalin December 8, 2011 at 3:04 pm

And the other bathroom is for Bolton's cheesy mustache?

poncho_pilot December 8, 2011 at 3:05 pm

well, he does have two assholes: one does the talking and the other one ingests food.

coolhandnuke December 8, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Newt also said he will appoint Joe The Plumber as his Secretary of the Interior.

V572 the Merciless December 8, 2011 at 3:10 pm

That'll make him a lead-pipe cinch! Joe can fix the ballcock!

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Nothing can fix Newt's ballcock.

chicken_thief December 8, 2011 at 3:10 pm

You know the economy really sucks when someone is willing to work as Newt fucking Gingrich's aide and travel with the s.o.b. All the ditch digging and scooping horse shit gigs must have already been taken. I'd rather do Walnutz's time at the Hanoi Hilton than travel a week with that bloated egotistical bastard.

chascates December 8, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Newt will change all the laws before he's elected to completely transform America and the world. He's just being Newt. From Slate:
“I want to shift the entire planet,” he told the Washington Post as a Republican backbencher in 1985. "And I'm doing it.” Or, in another example from 1994: "I think I am a transformational figure. I think I am trying to effect a change so large that the people who would be hurt by the change, the liberal machine, have a natural reaction … I think because I'm so systematically purposeful about changing our world.” Another comment from that same year: "People like me are what stand between us and Auschwitz."

natoslug December 8, 2011 at 4:28 pm

So he's proudly comparing himself to a concentration camp guard? That's classy.

Wadisay December 8, 2011 at 3:17 pm

I am surprised Newt doesn't want a fire hydrant to pee on.

fletc3her December 8, 2011 at 3:24 pm

They're going to have to start building hotels with four or five bathrooms per room once the other grifters find about this.

Tundra Grifter December 8, 2011 at 3:37 pm

One is fine, thanks.

owhatever December 8, 2011 at 3:24 pm

All miscellaneous charges, including late night porn movies, will be paid by the client. Any such movies starring Mrs. Gingrich from her earlier career as a cock-sucking Capitol Hill whore will entitle her to a royalty fee.

Terry December 8, 2011 at 3:30 pm

"Newt Gingrich Needs Two Times As Many Bathrooms As Everyone Else"

That's because he doesn't want to touch his delicate heiny to the same please of plastic or painted wood that someone visiting his suite might touch.

That, or he and Calista refuse to use the same bathroom. Maybe Newt has a fondness for burritos.

DerrickWildcat December 8, 2011 at 3:31 pm

I saw this movie where this girl that was not very pretty called up one of her friends that was even less pretty to go out dancing. I think this is what Newt is doing.

Millennial Malaise December 8, 2011 at 3:51 pm

So Newt has extra bowls of shit lying around to make himself look better?

Mahousu December 8, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Newt gets out on a technicality – the law applies if he is pledging the appointment for the purpose of procuring support in his candidacy. But Gingrich is saying he will appoint a known supporter of terrorists as Secretary of State, which, in a sane world at least, should do the exact opposite.

YasserArraFeck December 8, 2011 at 3:33 pm

That a fat cunt like Newt can actually exist is a violation of the laws of nature

Generation[redacted] December 8, 2011 at 4:26 pm

He's the bumblebee of politics!

JustPixelz December 8, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Before Newt (and the Fux News and the Repubicans) start nominating people, they should pay heed to somethine Dick Cheney said:

"I think Obama will be a one-term president."

When was Cheney right about anything? Obama wins.

Generation[redacted] December 8, 2011 at 4:25 pm

"I think the Republican nominee and his running mate will be treated as liberators."

Somehow it feels wrong – harsh, maybe – to hope his prescience is as good as it was last time.

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:47 pm

Remember when Joe Miller was sizing up Lisa Murkowski's DC office and planning the new (haha) carpet and drapes?

That was an educational election, was it not?

not that Dewey December 8, 2011 at 3:37 pm

Newt names his turds "John Bolton"?

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:47 pm

Can you think of a better name for them?

not that Dewey December 8, 2011 at 10:58 pm

He'd be the turd that wants to dismantle the toilet, if his tenure at the UN was any indication.

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 11:41 pm

But so does Newt. Marriage made in heaven.

YasserArraFeck December 8, 2011 at 3:37 pm

You know, for every brag along the lines of "I had a suite with two crappers!", there's a Honduran chambermaid lifting turds out of a bidet…….

Geminisunmars December 8, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Clearly he WILLFULLY named Bolton. We, the people, insist that he be jailed for two years!!! I don't care what he is fined, I just want to see him jailed.

DahBoner December 8, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Newt Gingrich?

Is he starring in the sequel of Hot Tub Time Machine?

Indiepalin December 8, 2011 at 3:39 pm

John Bolton? I worship his entire catalogue. When he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman"…

Steverino247 December 8, 2011 at 5:12 pm

I prefer that he be treated like the piece of office equipment in that movie.

flamingpdog December 8, 2011 at 3:39 pm

How are Callista and Callisto alike?

They both orbit a gas giant.

Thank you, thank you very much. *tips hat to audience*

prommie December 8, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Second bathroom is for "Plan B."

Antispandex December 8, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Well, maybe it's not Newt making the demand. I mean, it could be Mrs. Newt….because would YOU want to share a bathroom with Newt? See where I'm goiing here? Marriage doesn't mean you have to share EVERYTHING, and I am sure that goes double if you woke up from a serious drunk and realized you married the Newt.

iburl December 8, 2011 at 3:45 pm

You goin' to jail Newtie! (I wish)

Native_of_SL_UT December 8, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Only the conman people jack off where they shit.

Barrelhse December 8, 2011 at 3:52 pm

'One Boy, Two Bowls'

Jukesgrrl December 8, 2011 at 4:00 pm

I would be happy if only every news outlet in the country pointed that law out to its viewers. But they won't.

delaney_blom December 8, 2011 at 4:08 pm

All these comments focused on the extra toilet, but it's really the extra sink he's after for post-adultery junk washing.

Rosie_Scenario December 8, 2011 at 4:11 pm

What no "bendy" straws?

hebmskebm December 8, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Assistant: "The tour rider's almost completed, Mr. Gingrich. Should I add the Van Halen Clause removing all the brown M&M's from the hotel suite snack bar?"

Newt: "Are you kidding? What do you think the extra bathroom is for?"

Troglodeity December 8, 2011 at 4:36 pm

What? Newt Gingrich violating ethics-related laws? Who woulda thunk it?

GOPCrusher December 8, 2011 at 4:54 pm

I know. When I first heard that on Keith Olbermann last night, my first response was, "Yeah, so?".

proudgrampa December 8, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Has someone already said, "Because he's full of shit?"

Because if someone has, I don't want to bore my Wonkette colleagues with repetition…

Generation[redacted] December 8, 2011 at 5:11 pm

You know who ELSE bored their colleagues with repetition???

Nostrildamus December 9, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Wonketteers using the "you know who else" meme?

littlebigdaddy December 8, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Somehow I imagine if you looked at Sarah P's standard appearance contract it would be way, way worse.

chascates December 8, 2011 at 6:36 pm

The Great Idea Man today in South Carolina on 5-year-olds working:
"Now, this is education in life," Gingrich declared. "This is bringing people into the world of work, the world or prosperity, the world of savings, the world of investment — and we want every young American to have an opportunity to do that."

"So, if you took the cost of the New York City janitors, the most expensive janitors in New York are paid more than the highest paid teachers. The entry level janitor is paid twice as much as an entry level teacher. It's all because of the union. So, I say let's keep two janitors who are adults who are professional. They do all the heavy stuff and the dangerous stuff. And let's take all the other jobs and divide them up into part-time kids."

ttommyunger December 8, 2011 at 8:21 pm

"Newt Gingrich Needs Two Times As Many Bathrooms As Everyone Else." Because when Newt hauls ass, it takes three trips.

zappadoo76 December 8, 2011 at 9:25 pm

"…And let's take all the other jobs and divide them up into part-time kids."

What is a "part time kid"? Is it someone who is only a kid part of the time? What is he the rest of the time? Oh wait, I know: a school janitor.

Redhead December 8, 2011 at 10:21 pm

I really don't know how to say anything snarky about this that isn't so obvious it's cliche. The jokes more than write themselves.

arihaya December 8, 2011 at 11:36 pm

obviously Gingrich is not part of those people who just satisfied with one bathroom, or one wife for that matter

not that Dewey December 9, 2011 at 12:08 am

Newt Gingrich: Piggy in the Middle. Do a poo-poo!

Preacher_Griz December 10, 2011 at 9:08 am

I DEMAND to be appointed Secretary of Prophesy by Speaker unLobbyist Newt Gingrich if he wins.

GOPCrusher December 8, 2011 at 4:46 pm

It's about all I can do to keep from laughing when one of the V.P.'s at my company is in the stall and their Blackberry rings and they answer it.
There is a reason there is a door on the stall. It's for privacy. And if you call me while I'm in there, I'm not answering.

PalinzADummy December 8, 2011 at 10:28 pm

I was in the terlet at a fancy-schmancy hotel in Singapore once when some lout came in, parked themselves, whipped out a phone (I'm assuming they didn't have it in hand when walking in, but only because I think that would be too declasse for words) and called someone, proceeded to hold a loud conversation, and then dropped the phone in the terlet.

I'm sorry I laughed, but I still wonder what the person on the other end of the conversation thought.

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