toilet humor

Newt Gingrich Needs Two Times As Many Bathrooms As Everyone Else

Where else did you think he writes his books?

Here is some particularly gross gossip unearthed by the Smoking Gun that somehow met the “news” qualification at the Washington Post: according to this rider from a 2010 speaking engagement in Missouri, Newt Gingrich’s lengthy demands include two bathrooms in his hotel room, because he is just that full of shit. But all things considered, this is the least disgusting thing we have learned about Newt Gingrich so far in history. A quick six-second search is guaranteed to turn up something even worse… let’s see, oh here we go, apparently Newt Gingrich is breaking the law now by announcing he wants John Bolton to be his Secretary of State?

Here you were thinking this announcement was actually in violation of the laws of the United States for the reason that John Bolton’s murderous madman tendencies make him an actual crime against humanity, but no — it’s actually for the more obscure/mundane reason that you are not supposed to name cabinet members before winning the election.

From Political Wire:

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Newt Gingrich promised he would ask former U.N. Ambassador John Bolton “to be his secretary of state if he’s elected president next year,” the Washington Times reports.

Unfortunately, naming individuals you would appoint to office before the election is apparently illegal. Here’s Title 18, Part I, Chapter 29, Section 599 of the U.S. Code:

“Whoever, being a candidate, directly or indirectly promises or pledges the appointment, or the use of his influence or support for the appointment of any person to any public or private position or employment, for the purpose of procuring support in his candidacy shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than one year, or both; and if the violation was willful, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than two years, or both.”

You would think someone like self-described world’s smartest human Newt Gingrich would know this? Oh well, careful, Newt! In jail, they make you share bathrooms, if you get one at all. [Smoking Gun/Political Wire]

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212 comments

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Because he smears shit wherever he goes, and Mrs. Gingrich wants a clean bathroom for herself.

    2. Flat_Earther

      Maybe he is like Elvis and has a hard time pinching one. I suspect that is where he gets his “good ideas”.

    3. GOPCrusher

      Maybe the aroma being emitted from Newt dropping a Stink Pickle is horrific enough to gag a maggot on a gut wagon. No amount of Febreze will make the room safe for others to use for at least a half hour.

    4. Negropolis

      Newt Gingrich’s lengthy demands include two bathrooms in his hotel room, because he is just that full of shit.

      Yep. That's what Kirsten said, up top.

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    One bathroom for him, one for the woman with whom he is cheating on his current wife. He doesn't wanna smell it when she goes in and drops a tear-inducing deuce. What's the big deal?

    1. Not_So_Much

      I just assumed the 2nd was for that woman to go cry in the shower in a fetal position for a couple hours after having to see him in all his vast, white, nekkid corpulescence?

  2. Schmannnity

    Bolton is bad, but his picks of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. at Transportation and Chuck Norris at Defense are worse.

  3. hagajim

    Twice as full of Shit as the rest…seems bout right. Either that or his shit stinks so bad Calista can't be near it #NewtShitPeelsPaint.

  4. sbj1964

    Newt Gingrick,and that is his real name not Gingrich needs twice what the average man would need in a bathroom. Gingrick, that does not sound American; we should ask for his Birth certificate. Was he even born in America?His name should be spelled Newt Getinrich.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    I've travelled around the world a number of times, and stayed in a whole bunch of different hotels, from fancy five-star to fleabag dive, and I have never seen a hotel room that has two bathrooms. Maybe I'm just not living right.

    1. memzilla

      The "two bathrooms" clause means he needs a second adjoining room for his, ahem, "aide." Also, because every tunneling animal always leaves himself a bolthole.

    2. V572 the Merciless

      Tapa Tower, Hilton Hawaiian Village, Honolulu. For one glorious week, right after 9/11 when they were hurting, they put me in Suite 3636, fronting the ocean, two lanais, a living room, a bedroom, and — yes it's true — 2 bathrooms, all at the government rate. I never wanted to leave.

        1. V572 the Merciless

          It’s the miracle of the government rate:  the feds negotiate rates for every city and hotels can get business by offering rooms at that rate. They usually limit the number, but when they’re hurting – as the HHV was the week after 9/11, they’ll take any business they can get. As I recall it was $112/night. Ask for The Government Rate® next time you travel. Most of the time they don’t even ask for any ID.

          1. PalinzADummy

            Brilliant, V, thanks! Will do.

            Of course, if I were suitably rightarded I would decry this as another example of Gubmint stifling Big Business, rather than the good sense of the economy of scale, but since I potentially stand to benefit I won't even pretend to be a rightnut today. Not even for fun.

    3. justkillmenow

      The Drake, in Chicago, has rooms with two potties. Or that was a waste basket. Not clear now…

      1. Fare la Volpe

        I was sharing a room with my pre-teen cousin at a fancy schmancy hotel in London, when he walks out of the bathroom and tells me, "I think something's wrong. That toilet's not flushing and it shot water in my eye. And why is it so tiny?"

    4. chicken_thief

      I was thinking that he might put that bullshit request in knowing full well that most single bedroom suites do not have two full baths, so the hotel or whoever is picking up the tab has to upgrade him to a larger suite in order to meet the only condition that he included.

      Kind of like requesting any mid-sized rental car, then specifically noting that it must be able to hold x amount of cargo. With x being the amount that only an Escalade would hold.

    5. Barb

      I stayed at the Cosmopolitan Hotel in Vegas 4 months ago and I had a single bedroom, two bathrooms, full sized laundry room, kitchen with two wine storage units, a private maid, oven, fridge and a wrap-around balcony that took me 85 steps to walk.

        1. Barb

          V is going to have to tell the rest of this story. It is just too strange for words. V, remember why I complained and left?

  6. Barb

    I can see Newt now, Wall Street Journal tucked under his arm as he heads to "drop a few political contributors over by the Potomac"

    1. prommie

      Apparently, the shit comes out of both ends of him. I hate the guys who proudly strut to the restroom, newspaper under their arm, as if to announce to the world "I am not merely going to the bathroom to perform a necessary physical function, no, I am going to enjoy it, revel in it, I am going to bask in the swirling glory of my own potent fumes and read a newspaper so as to luxuriate even longer in the delightful ambience of a shit-reeking public bathroom, thats what I am going to do.

      1. Barb

        I see your point there, Buddy. I hate people who have to tell us about their bowl functions. If you have the "green apple splatters" just keep it to yourself. I can't help you in that area.

          1. GOPCrusher

            It's about all I can do to keep from laughing when one of the V.P.'s at my company is in the stall and their Blackberry rings and they answer it.
            There is a reason there is a door on the stall. It's for privacy. And if you call me while I'm in there, I'm not answering.

          2. PalinzADummy

            I was in the terlet at a fancy-schmancy hotel in Singapore once when some lout came in, parked themselves, whipped out a phone (I'm assuming they didn't have it in hand when walking in, but only because I think that would be too declasse for words) and called someone, proceeded to hold a loud conversation, and then dropped the phone in the terlet.

            I'm sorry I laughed, but I still wonder what the person on the other end of the conversation thought.

  7. SmutBoffin

    The second bathroom is for his next-wife-in-waiting, who travels with Newt's entourage. There is also a briefcase of legal documents that, should the blessed day arrive when Callista is upgrayedded, changes the name on the Tiffany's account to the new model.

  8. Serolf_Divad

    I picture Newt & Calista staring lovingly into each others eyes, and shitting while holding hands on side-by side his 'n hers toilets… Encrusted with diamonds from Tiffany's, of course.

    1. ManchuCandidate

      Newty, Newty.
      Give me your answer doooo.
      I'm half crazy all for the smell of yoooo.
      It will be from a Tiffany breakfast.
      came to lead from dead last
      You'll be stuck upon the seat
      Of a Crapper Built for Twwwwwooooooo.!!!

    2. WhatTheHeck

      These are known as “communication” toilets in Europe where Newt can take care of his verbal Diarrhea.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Not a day has gone by in the past few years where I haven't said to myself, "George Carlin, we need you! Come back!"

  9. SpiderCrab

    Promising to appoint a master-putz like Bolton to any position of responsibility is voter intimidation of the most blatant sort.

  10. ProgressiveInga

    Hey! Everyone poops. Newt just happens to poop even when he's not pooping. Newt is a stupid pooper's idea of what a smart pooper sounds like.

  11. littlebigdaddy

    Cuz you know one of the toilets is going to get plugged up, so he needs a backup. Just being prudent.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Having resided in apartments with lazy supers much of my life, dual plumbing of all types a code I live by. One man's ceiling is another man's floor.

  12. Baconzgood

    Why would he need 2 bathrooms? He doesn't even shit because he's got his head stuck up his ass.

  13. prommie

    I'm hoping that its because he has some kind of permanent chronic colon disease that causes monstrous flatulence and nearly-constant diahrea and makes it almost impossible for normal humans to be in his presence.

    1. Tommmcattt

      Pair that with the scent from the stuff growing deep in the folds of Chris Christie's belly and breasts and you have a nearly unbeatable olfactory ticket!

      Vote Gingrich/Christie 2012! The Stench of Success!

    2. flamingpdog

      I would think it would be almost impossible for normal humans to be in his presence even if he doesn't have some kind of permanent chronic colon disease.

      1. Weallscream

        He could probably just get poor kids to do the flushing. That would teach them the meaning of work!

  14. barto

    I'm confident that Newt's going to beat this rap, and he and his various Johns will flush with glee and abandon.

  15. OneYieldRegular

    A chicken in every chamber pot!

    (I have no idea what that means or what relation it has to this post. I'll be quiet now.)

  16. Goonemeritus

    John Bolton … this just goes to show that Newt is out of step with the Republican base. Michael Savage would be a little closer but I guess Newt just too big pussy to name a real American.

  17. Callyson

    "imprisoned not more than one year, or both; and if the violation was willful, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than two years, or both"
    Can he and Blagojevich be roomies?

      1. WhatTheHolyHeck

        If we can't trust the Pringles Guy to manage our foreign relations, we have no business being a major world power.

  18. Mumbletypeg

    This begs the question whether an "Idea Factory" is in store for the White House that can keep pace with Newt's verbal diahrrea machine [via Politico playbook]:

    "@daveweigel: IDEA: Make John Bolton secretary of state, fire all of foreign service, replace them with inner-city 14-year olds."

    Makes sense to me, duz it to Newt?

  19. SorosBot

    Bolton as Secretary of State would just copy the work of Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill, but make it a lot slower and dull and boring.

  20. V572 the Merciless

    Garry Wills digs into Gringrich the "historian" here:

    In his opening address as speaker, Gingrich told, in touching detail, the story of Franklin’s stopping the Constitutional Convention’s squabblings with a successful plea that they pray together. They never did so….

    Repeatedly Gingrich makes a favorite point, to show how important property is: “Thomas Jefferson originally wrote life, liberty, and the pursuit of property. But they [Congress?] decided happiness is a nicer word.” If his students heard that once, they heard it a dozen times. But no one wrote “the pursuit of property.” Lockeans of all sorts used the triad “life, liberty, and property.” Jefferson did not. His first draft, unaltered by Congress on this point, said “the pursuit of happiness.”

    1. chicken_thief

      Which would make sense. Weren't those that the Founding Fathers gave voting rights to all land holders? They didn't need to "pursue property" – they had it.

    2. Chichikovovich

      Since you raise the subject, I'll get to another (echo chamber sound): wingnut fact that drives me bananas. How many times have I heard Gingrich/Limbaugh types insist: "look, he says the "pursuit of happiness", not happiness. That's all the inalienable rights you get: equality (of opportunity, not outcome!), life, liberty and pursuit of happiness."

      Here's what Jefferson says:
      " they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

      Please observe that he says "among these are". Which suggests that he thinks there are more, he just isn't going to list them all right now, time's a wasting. I really with people would just learn how to read. It would save a lot of time.

      1. V572 the Merciless

        Or, in modern bureaucratese, “The enumerated unalienable rights shall include, but not be limited to, life…”

  21. BarackMyWorld

    …you are not supposed to name cabinet members before winning the election.

    I think the key words here are "before winning." If you're not going to win, then you're all clear.

  22. coolhandnuke

    When Newt checks in to a hotel, the front desk contacts the local plumbers union where they issue a Defcom 5 alert for major pipe obstruction and damage. Full hazmet suits plus hazardous duty pay is required when responding to one of Newt's loos.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Reminds me of a graffito I read in a Boy Scout outhouse many years ago: "Anythingn over 5 lbs. must be lowered by hand."

    1. Rotundo_

      No, from the looks of things, Callista fires off one movement per year in the form of a perfect two carat champagne diamond. She can sell back to Tiffany without DeBeers getting their cut.

  23. zappadoo76

    C'mon, folks! It's obvious why Newt orders two bathrooms. Callista wants her own bathroom so that she can put makeup on her decaying zombie flesh in private.

  24. not that Dewey

    This is obviously a leftover fixation from that time Bill Clinton made him use the aft-most lavatory on Air Force One.

  25. Generation[redacted]

    Not even Newt Gingrich wants to go into the bathroom after Newt Gingrich has been in there.

  26. Tundra Grifter

    Personally, I think "…all charges to be master billed to the client" has a nice ring to it.

    That would certainly include the $500 per hour "stenographic" services.

  27. fartknocker

    The article failed to mention that the 2nd toilet is actually a bidet because that's the only way that the fat, bloviating shitbag can wash his cellulite encapsulated nuts.

  28. anniegetyerfun

    Well, you can't shower when Callista is enjoying her daily de-rusting lube bath and joint maintenance.

    1. V572 the Merciless

      Deep in the list of required items it says, "Two 64-oz cans of WD-40."

      Love your new avatar.

  29. chicken_thief

    You know the economy really sucks when someone is willing to work as Newt fucking Gingrich's aide and travel with the s.o.b. All the ditch digging and scooping horse shit gigs must have already been taken. I'd rather do Walnutz's time at the Hanoi Hilton than travel a week with that bloated egotistical bastard.

  30. chascates

    Newt will change all the laws before he's elected to completely transform America and the world. He's just being Newt. From Slate:
    “I want to shift the entire planet,” he told the Washington Post as a Republican backbencher in 1985. "And I'm doing it.” Or, in another example from 1994: "I think I am a transformational figure. I think I am trying to effect a change so large that the people who would be hurt by the change, the liberal machine, have a natural reaction … I think because I'm so systematically purposeful about changing our world.” Another comment from that same year: "People like me are what stand between us and Auschwitz."

  31. fletc3her

    They're going to have to start building hotels with four or five bathrooms per room once the other grifters find about this.

  32. owhatever

    All miscellaneous charges, including late night porn movies, will be paid by the client. Any such movies starring Mrs. Gingrich from her earlier career as a cock-sucking Capitol Hill whore will entitle her to a royalty fee.

  33. Terry

    "Newt Gingrich Needs Two Times As Many Bathrooms As Everyone Else"

    That's because he doesn't want to touch his delicate heiny to the same please of plastic or painted wood that someone visiting his suite might touch.

    That, or he and Calista refuse to use the same bathroom. Maybe Newt has a fondness for burritos.

  34. DerrickWildcat

    I saw this movie where this girl that was not very pretty called up one of her friends that was even less pretty to go out dancing. I think this is what Newt is doing.

  35. Mahousu

    Newt gets out on a technicality – the law applies if he is pledging the appointment for the purpose of procuring support in his candidacy. But Gingrich is saying he will appoint a known supporter of terrorists as Secretary of State, which, in a sane world at least, should do the exact opposite.

  36. JustPixelz

    Before Newt (and the Fux News and the Repubicans) start nominating people, they should pay heed to somethine Dick Cheney said:

    "I think Obama will be a one-term president."

    When was Cheney right about anything? Obama wins.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      "I think the Republican nominee and his running mate will be treated as liberators."

      Somehow it feels wrong – harsh, maybe – to hope his prescience is as good as it was last time.

    2. PalinzADummy

      Remember when Joe Miller was sizing up Lisa Murkowski's DC office and planning the new (haha) carpet and drapes?

      That was an educational election, was it not?

      1. not that Dewey

        He'd be the turd that wants to dismantle the toilet, if his tenure at the UN was any indication.

  37. YasserArraFeck

    You know, for every brag along the lines of "I had a suite with two crappers!", there's a Honduran chambermaid lifting turds out of a bidet…….

  38. Geminisunmars

    Clearly he WILLFULLY named Bolton. We, the people, insist that he be jailed for two years!!! I don't care what he is fined, I just want to see him jailed.

  39. Antispandex

    Well, maybe it's not Newt making the demand. I mean, it could be Mrs. Newt….because would YOU want to share a bathroom with Newt? See where I'm goiing here? Marriage doesn't mean you have to share EVERYTHING, and I am sure that goes double if you woke up from a serious drunk and realized you married the Newt.

  40. delaney_blom

    All these comments focused on the extra toilet, but it's really the extra sink he's after for post-adultery junk washing.

  41. hebmskebm

    Assistant: "The tour rider's almost completed, Mr. Gingrich. Should I add the Van Halen Clause removing all the brown M&M's from the hotel suite snack bar?"

    Newt: "Are you kidding? What do you think the extra bathroom is for?"

    1. GOPCrusher

      I know. When I first heard that on Keith Olbermann last night, my first response was, "Yeah, so?".

  42. proudgrampa

    Has someone already said, "Because he's full of shit?"

    Because if someone has, I don't want to bore my Wonkette colleagues with repetition…

  43. littlebigdaddy

    Somehow I imagine if you looked at Sarah P's standard appearance contract it would be way, way worse.

  44. chascates

    The Great Idea Man today in South Carolina on 5-year-olds working:
    "Now, this is education in life," Gingrich declared. "This is bringing people into the world of work, the world or prosperity, the world of savings, the world of investment — and we want every young American to have an opportunity to do that."

    "So, if you took the cost of the New York City janitors, the most expensive janitors in New York are paid more than the highest paid teachers. The entry level janitor is paid twice as much as an entry level teacher. It's all because of the union. So, I say let's keep two janitors who are adults who are professional. They do all the heavy stuff and the dangerous stuff. And let's take all the other jobs and divide them up into part-time kids."

  45. ttommyunger

    "Newt Gingrich Needs Two Times As Many Bathrooms As Everyone Else." Because when Newt hauls ass, it takes three trips.

  46. zappadoo76

    "…And let's take all the other jobs and divide them up into part-time kids."

    What is a "part time kid"? Is it someone who is only a kid part of the time? What is he the rest of the time? Oh wait, I know: a school janitor.

  47. Redhead

    I really don't know how to say anything snarky about this that isn't so obvious it's cliche. The jokes more than write themselves.

  48. arihaya

    obviously Gingrich is not part of those people who just satisfied with one bathroom, or one wife for that matter

Comments are closed.